My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 547: Chili Wonka

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

A decision for the ages arrives with little fanfare. A benign Yahoo Answer spawns a flashpoint that will divide and define a generation. The bath is now soup; this much is unavoidable. What you do with this revelation is entirely in your hands. Suggested talking points: McElbucks, A Light Dusting of Power Tool Talk, Dad’s Sad Jams, Watch the Arches, It’s Really a Kadoozie (feat. special guestpert Krystina Arielle), Soup Bath Ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter  

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Here come the McElroy's. We've got jokes and bits. We're gonna give advice and do funny sticks. After it is in store, come inside and see. It's time to start. It's my brother, my brother and me.

Travis, I don't know that I have questions. I had emailed them to Christina, but I can email them again. Oh, it's just in the same. I'm sorry. I probably didn't have ads in it, right? No. You can just save a little time and just say I fucked up. Well, I fucked up, and I didn't anticipate you're incompetent, so that was my fault. No, no, it's not my incompetence because you didn't know how to do that.

No, you definitely fucked this up. No, I fucked up because I forgot that both of you don't know how to search in your email. That's fine. No, no, the ads aren't. You didn't put the ads in. Oh, right, right, right. I fucked up by not spitting and feeding you the ads. I'm glad we decided to start doing these cold opens. I feel like it lends a real air of excitement and intimacy to the program. Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

I'm your middle brother, Travis McElroy, and I'm a dog. My name is Griffin McElroy, and I'm the youngest brother. I have the intro. That's what it tries to do. Can I tell you, that was a completely separate thing. Yeah, I simply am a dog. That's consistency, Justin, and we got to respect that. Okay, completely different thing. Normally, my kind of bit there goes a little bit longer, but it's because I have an important presentation for you guys,

and I appreciate you taking this time to hear said presentation out of our hands. Now, Travis, I need to sync up into the Google Buzz meeting room that you've set up here. Okay, well, hold on. I got to download a flash update in order to see these slides. Hold on. Okay, I didn't do slides. Was I supposed to do slides? Oh, then what am I down? Oh, virus. So here's the thing. I think I'll leave a space here for you guys to answer. What is so hot right now? Breakfast, fast food breakfasts.

That's right, cryptocurrency. And so I have been thinking that now here at the very start of the very idea of cryptocurrency, that the macros should get in on the ground floor. And that is why I have created MacBooks. MacBooks? Finally. How much is it, Travis? Just give me a number. Griffin, let me tell you, that is point one of two points that separate MacBooks from all of the cryptocurrency.

One, MacBooks will always equal $1. So it'll be one MacBook to $1 all the time. It will not change. And two, it is paper currency. Oh, so it's just like, it's just like, you can just call them bucks then. They are MacBooks. Do they look different? They look slightly different.

House light, because there's people. I have taped our pictures onto dollar bills. That is noticeable enough. I feel like we're not going to get, we're not going to get dinged. No, it's different. And they are worth, sorry, I should take that back. They're worth $1 and one cent because of the paper that I have taped onto there. So each MacBook, if you can trade, if you can trade one regular dollar with a MacBook with a friend,

you have made a penny, basically. I think you've actually lost a penny in that exchange. Someone has. I think we can agree on that. A penny has been abandoned. I'm looking at the, there's a Udemy course, $12.99 to learn how to make your own cryptocurrency just like Bitcoin. It's what it says, actually, it says right here. Create your own cryptocurrency just like Bitcoin.

So is $12.99 going to be a sunk cost into this? And does that need to be amortized into the cryptocurrency, the $12.99 I'm going to need to spend to say nothing of the time? Right. Obviously. Are you just talking about like funding MacBooks? I'm saying there's a sunk cost. Well, yeah. MacBooks of $12.99.

I did Xerox all the pictures of us. Like it wasn't free. I had to go down to Kinko's. Yeah, Trav, I'm afraid you've forgotten one important facet of cryptocurrency and that is the blockchain. And what the blockchain is, is math puzzles that computers work on and that gets you money. So for this, but listen, we don't got to toss all this out. I'll tell you why, because I'm going to write down a math problem right now. Okay.

I'm going to scrap a paper. Okay. And then once there, once there's enough MacBooks out there, maybe we can solve this bad boy. Can I just say, this is kind of getting away from me a little bit. And I was wondering if it would be okay if I just muted real quick and I called my friend. I don't want to say his name. So let's just call him Mellon Usk. Yeah.

Let me call Mellon. Yeah. The only. Griffin, I'm just going to mute. You're not calling the person whose name it sounds like that. And it has some hugely, hugely terrible ideas about life and existence. No, no, no. Fuck that guy.

I'm calling Mellon. Right. It's a different guy. Hold on. Hold on. I'm muted now. Mellon Tusk is kind of. Yeah.

Is that, I mean. Hey, Jeff Bezos? Yeah, it's Kevin. Yeah. No, I tried. I tried the cricket. Yeah. No, they.

What? Yeah. No, it was eight. I told them I taped our faces on the dollars and they weren't in. What's that? I mean, I can try. Okay. Let me try.

Try. Wait, if he's getting advice, like money advice from Bezos, this might actually be good, Justin. Yeah. I mean, if you don't buy into this, I'll kill you. Okay. Well, that's nothing. That's not.

I love the idea. The problem is you're not thinking big enough. Okay. A million Macklebacks isn't cool. You know what's cool? Well, it's not a billion Macklebacks. That's not cool either. Okay.

There's not an amount of Macklebacks that's cool. Well. A trillion? That's still not. No picture, Justin. Yeah. You have a trillion Macklebacks. That's not cool.

A trillion of anything. I hope it's cool. That's going to be a storage issue at that point. Where am I putting this stuff? Oh, they're very small. Okay. That wasn't clear. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. So people have to get their own wallets. I've cut dollar bills into tiny strips and each one is a Mackleback. Oh, hidden them in a 14-comment. That's great, Trav. Yeah. It's like confetti that was money. Maybe there's just one Mackleback, and that's what makes it so valuable.

Yeah, but I don't have to keep track of how much it's worth at any given time. That seems like a lot of work for me. That's true. That's true. That's why this show gets so corporate. Oh, when we started doing ads, probably. Yeah. This is an advice show, and what we do is we help you to build your wealth.

That's another one thing. That's our thing. Our thing is to help you get that dream of living on the beach and just raking in the dividends and help you build your wealth by following our simple tips. Can I give a piece of advice? Yeah, a piece of advice. If you can figure out time travel, and that's going to be a big hurdle here. Big one.

Huge one. But go back and buy Bitcoin when everybody was like, ha, ha, Bitcoin. How stupid. That's very good. And then sell it before everybody was like, ha, ha, ha, Bitcoin. How stupid. Again. If you can figure out how to split that upright, you're rich.

Or go into the future when Bitcoin crashes and buy it then and bring it back to now and sell it. That's another option. Or if you can know what's going to happen, you could just, I don't know if you can put out like a put order on a cryptocurrency. It's me. It's me. It's me.

Travis from the future. Macro Box is going to be huge. Everybody play into Macro Box now. Now wait, maybe this is what Jeff actually told him to do. Don't miss your chance to play into Macro Box now before it's too late. The squids. The squids. Hmm.

That's not what I expected. I think it's effective. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's why he got to be where he is. Is with that kind of lateral thinking. This is an advice show. Oh my God. It's an advice show.

We have people. I wish I'd love to have one episode in the past five years where I didn't have to say that line defensively. You know what I mean? Yeah. Almost like an uncle, uncle, let me up. That kind of vibe every time I'm like, this is an advice show, I promise. Why is this happening?

It's advice. I mean, we're doing our best. I'm not. Are we? No, I guess not. Yeah. So this is an advice show. I'd like to help a lot of people today.

I feel like we haven't helped. Yeah, I know. I feel like we haven't been particularly helpful lately. The vote, the everybody. The votes are in. The votes are in. Not helpful, say the, say the IITs interviews. So I'd like to be a little bit more helpful.

So I've got some questions here and we're going to get right down to them. I've been talking to this girl for a little over a year. A long, long month again. That's a long, that's a long time to be talking to someone, I feel like. Uh-oh, folks. It looks like we got Romeo. A little over a month ago, we got into an argument that ended with don't call me and her hanging up.

I tried to text her a couple of times and haven't received a response. So I'm assuming we're done. My problem is my drill is at her house and I'd really like it back. How soon is too soon to call her for my drill back without her assuming I'm using it as a way to reach out to her. That's from sick of screwing around in Charlotte. Don't call me. I won't, but I do need to call you.

Oh, but I do. Oh, if I could just get my DeWalt back. There is, you know this situation better than we do, but like Dr. Strange, I do not see that many scenarios where this pans out good for you. In most of those scenarios, the drill is gone and you need to be okay with that. Yeah. I want to talk to you about sunk costs. I want to help you build your wealth and here's how we're going to start your portfolio.

Negative one drill. Yeah. That is the beginning of your portfolio and let's build from there. Do you have anything of hers that you could organize a neutral party swapsies situation? Yeah, maybe on a long bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They send out their representative, you send out your representative. Each representative is walking halfway there and back.

Maybe it's time to upgrade. Maybe the universe wants you to upgrade your drill. Maybe treat yourself to a nice Milwaukee or a nice Makita. No, DeWalt's the way to go. DeWalt, you got a good DeWalt baby. I've already sunk so deep into the battery system for Milwaukee. I don't have a choice in cordless tool. That's a great way.

You lost the battery too, Justin. You think the question asker took over a battery of this drill? That word was one of the, that was one of the first. It got away from me. If you're not, if you don't have two batteries, you don't own a drill. But now they have a battery. Nobody says I want to drill later. You know what I mean?

Nobody's ever thought later I hope to do some drilling. I better charge. I want to drill now and then not drill for an hour while it recharges and then start drilling again. That is a good way to get out, like to excuse yourself from a job you gave yourself though. It's like, oh, I was going to put this cabinet, but who doesn't want to get some drilling done? I would love to. I mean, sometimes you're tired. You know, sometimes you have a headache.

Never too tired to drill. The drill's gone. Go buy a new drill. I'm so sorry. It's expensive. That's a good drill. What if it was like their grandpappy's drill? It's not.

I mean, if it's your fucking grandpappy's drill, you need to dump that garbage because drill technology has come a long way since your grandpappy's time. This is a hand crank drill that grandpappy used across the plains. It's been in our family for 2,000 years. He burrowed through the plains. Yeah. He dug the train holes with this. That may be true, Trev, but now it is in her family for a couple weeks.

That's just another chapter in its incredible story. No one saw this coming, but the drill is gone. I think for me, if that happened to me, the greatest fart in the face would be that if I left a drill bit in there that was part of a set, I think that would be worse than anything because then it's like, am I going to buy a whole new set just to replace the quarter-inch bit? Or am I going to try to find just a quarter-inch bit that matches that set and fits in the set?

Don't even get me started. Nightmare scenario. Have we ostracized, do you think that was the question we ostracized the rest of our listeners with? Yeah. We ostracized local currency, and then business, and then ostracized. Why are people ostracized? I just don't know that there's a big market for people who listen to our shows who are

like mega into hardware. Griffin, you have no concept of the restraint that I just brought to that question. I find it so disheartening that you think that was me chatting about tools. I brought a light dusting of expertise. Justin, I'll make you a deal. You can have two minutes unfettered. If I can have two minutes to talk about my new favorite show, Forged in Fire. No, we're not going to fucking do that.

I'm responsible to know and have the passion for tools that I do and not bring it to a show like this after 10 years of doing it. When I think I've earned it, in the words of Chris Fleming, that's grace. That's poise. The only thing that eclipses Justin's love for tools is his love for the band Tool. That's the only thing greater, and my passion for the fabric Tool. That's true. Yeah.

Can I read you? And Tucky's called Twiddles. Yeah. And a pair of the letter L. Uh-huh. So. Yes, Tools. Oh, God.

Oh, we just got canceled. Got canceled for podcasts? Yeah, just right there. It just came through the wire. This one's sent in by the wizard bin, can't thank you, Ben. It's Yahoo Answers. They're anonymous Yahoo Answers user. So I'll call them Patrick with a G at the end.

So yeah, it's a hot new name. Patrick asks, I don't like my dad's song? So I recently started playing guitar and I've shared the few I've learned with my parents. I'm in college and still live with them. My dad had the idea to write lyrics and for me to play, I thought he was joking at first, but we just now spent an hour dragging through his very depressing song. I don't like it, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?

A very new song, boy. I've written lyrics. The song is called My Disappointing Son. There's a very well thought out, I would say, heartfelt answer that is the only answer that has been left on this Yahoo Answers question. But the first two words, if this answer, they very much sum up how I'm feeling about it and it's just tough one. It is.

That should have been the name of this podcast. Tough one. Tough one. I think it is a parent's greatest wish is to be eclipsed by their child. Let me just say, good parents, great. Not mine. That's not my thing. But I think that if you come back and take down a few notes on this song you've written

and you've changed every lyric and it's better, but you still make him feel like he's part of it, that's really all he's looking for. It's huge, huge for dads. What do you think this depressing song's about? I mean, it could be about anything, you know, with dads. You know how dads are. You know how dads get sometimes. I have a solution of those.

You say to your dad, you say, dad, I love this track. And the thing is, we've got to get it out live. We've got to get it out there. And so you go with your dad and you get him on guitar, lead vocals. And this part is important. You're on drums. So you get upstairs and the announcer guy's like, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What is the announcement? Somebody's announcing your show about to start. But you're in your house. Where did you do the show? I just said you got to play it out live. Please try to keep up. But you said they go upstairs and it made it sound like they went up to the bedroom. They were in the great room.

The great room was downstairs, Travis. You said they go upstairs. It's the second floor stage, Travis. Shut up. Why would I say they go upstairs? You said they go upstairs. They go upstairs. Rachel, please play back whenever I play it and we'll move forward.

Okay. And this part is important. You're on drums. So you get upstairs and no matter what just happened there, I think we can all agree they're on stage and the announcer says, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage of the YMCA dad and him. And it's and then you get up and you get out your sticks and you put on your shades and you're like, yeah, and you're picking up the pace.

Your dad's looking back at you like, it's too fast. It's too fast. And you're like, sorry, dad, this song's a banger. And Steve's on like, let's roll with it. Let's roll with it. Let's go with it. I love it. Snowy Sunday thinking about the friends we lost.

Like, I don't know. This is it. This is a sound. Shut the war. But that is another option. Promises and broken dreams. And all the kids are like, whoa. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess it sounds like your ex-wife really is a piece of work. You got you got me. Everybody do the ex-wife. I just said everybody already has kids. Take it from me. Yikes. I'm canceled.

We had a short career. Burn out better to burn bright than the fatal way. How about another question? Okay. I love this. I love this image. It's so helpful. I have a question here.

You do? Yeah. Let's see. I interrupt it myself. I want to munch. Squad. I want to munch. Squad.

Squad. I'm not. You didn't interrupt yourself, Justin. You possessed yourself. Yeah. And also I'm not. I'm not. I don't know that I'm ready for the munch squad.

The munch squad is a little post ads like foothold that I get while climbing. We got other exciting stuff. We got exciting stuff for after that. I want to get it out. It would feel weird though if you were like in the middle of a fancy dinner party and they said, yeah, we're going to have the main course out in a second. But first, here's some brandy and cigars. You're like, oh, not yet.

Oh, OK. You guys know those parties, right? Sure. Sure. Sure. This is a munch squad. It's a podcast with a podcast. Only slightly munch squad related because my munch squad is not related to this.

But I did want to say it's wild that we didn't talk about the big game. I can't remember the last time a big game rolled around. Oh, I just assumed they canceled it because it wouldn't be safe to like play sports and stuff in the current pandemic. Yeah. Yeah. How are they doing that? Because I haven't watched any football this season, but I just assumed they were doing,

they were zooming it. Well, what it is, it's from six foot away. Like one of the, you know, the defensemen will say like, I tackled you and the runners like, oh, man, you got me. Yeah. Maybe they all have lances, like six foot lances. Yeah. It's Nerf guns.

That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, can I just say paintball, football would be amazing. I have a few sort of juniors. I just want to hit you all with it. The first is just the beginning of this story on QSR, which is one of my quick service restaurants, one of my sources, main sources.

It's your fucking homepage. It's my basically my own page. They have the headline is how Wendy's got people talking about breakfast in a pandemic. Huh. Subhead, one of the biggest launches of 2020 was derailed by COVID-19. Or was it? I don't know, dude, you're writing the story. Yeah.

I'm not going to do your work for you. And I did want to say that Hans Mast Carl Laredo is in this one. Everybody knows Carl Laredo is CMO of Wendy's. It's a breakfast. He said it was a competitive landscape that Carl Laredo, in classic Carl Laredo style, referred to as the world of frozen arches. Oh boy. It says here it's a not so veiled reference to McDonald's.

Why fucking McDonald's Carl at that point? Carl doesn't. Then it wouldn't be a Laredo. It would just be a regular burn if he didn't have a little spin on a little poetic license. You know how Carl is. So they're wild out there. Taco Bell's got a new $5 bill your own cravings box for the people. Okay.

You take a boring burger bundle. You had a celebrity in the mix. You put it online and you got the perfect recipe for, well, eating someone else's favorites. What? Taco Bell wonders, why not just eat like you? A lot of people watching the fucking throne right now, huh? A lot of people making a run at the king. So wait, wait, wait.

No, not the king. That's confusing. Yeah. Is this, is the statement here the accusation of like, you don't want to eat some famous person's favorite meal. You want to eat yours. And only with our help will you be able to do that. That's exactly right.

You're going to be able to rewarding their most passionate fans first. The new build your own cravings box will be exclusively available exclusively to Taco Bell rewards beta members on the Taco Bell app as a beta member myself. I have to say this is fair. And they got me stretching customers dollars further than ever before to build your own cravings boxes. The ultimate Taco Bell eating experience. So basically you tell them what you want to put in this big box of garbage and they're

going to serve it up to you. Right. No problem. And no questions asking. No judgment. Nikki Lawson, who's sort of like the Carl Laredo of Taco Bell, right? Says in honestly, one of the most inscrutable quotes that we've had in this segment. And that is saying something.

As we see it, there aren't a lot of choices out there when it comes to value. Huh. Forcing customers to play by others rules. Yeah. But when your fans have different favorites on the menu. Uh-huh. Why not celebrate that? Oh God, I feel free for the first time.

The Taco Bell, I'm proud to lead. Does it differ? Does it differ? The Taco Bell, I'm proud to lead. This is my Taco Bell. This is my Bell. Talk about I'm proud to lead. Does it differently?

We put fans in the driver's seat and allow them to eat how they want to eat. How someone irrespective of how famous they may be tells them to. Can I just say that that's a horrible kind of phrase to use? Because if I went to a NASCAR race and they put fans in the driver's seat, horrible things are going to happen. It's not going to be, it's going to be a bloody massacre. Right. I want experienced eating professionals in the driver's seat.

Thank you very much. Like your Travis Scott's, I think? Travis Scott did the McDonald's. What's wild about that quote is that it's not rules. Travis Scott wasn't like, you got this new McDonald's meal and it's all about me. And it's a weird burger and a flurry and a lot of fucking fries. And that's a massive, unconscionable amount of spray. And that's the, those are the fucking rules.

That's it now. And it's the only thing they sell. Taco Bell is, this is a great part. They've got a digital and social campaign for this, for this initiative. That includes some of Taco Bell's most influential fans, including actor Noah Centinio, Tick Tock Influencer, Nova Rose, K-pop star, CL, iconic drag queen, Onyx Black and BMXer, Brad Sims. I wonder if all of them agreed on BMXer way back in the day.

I can't imagine. But the celebrities aren't going to be sharing their own order. Okay. They're going to be reminding consumers to never settle for someone else's taste buds. Then I'm going to make my own fucking tacos at home. This is the weird thing. Don't listen to the celebrities when they tell you what to eat at Taco Bell. But do listen to the celebrities when they tell you to eat at Taco Bell.

Noah Centinio will walk you right up to the door and you'll turn around to thank him and he's gone. You can do a passionate Tick Tock duet with Noah Centinio, by the way, which I plan on doing right away. How many items do I get to put in this box? Is it like you get four items to put in the box or is it however much? Griffin ground beef. Anything they have. It's whatever can fit in the box.

It's like a yogurt place. It's by weight. Yeah. You can get a box full of hot, loose hot sauce. And that's it. And it still is $5. You could ask for the employees to put their wallets in the box and they have to do it because there are no fucking rules.

They have you choose from one of like four different categories, basically. So they got a rule to me, which is like a signature item, like the Chalupa Supreme rules. And then they have the charming charmingly named starters. And one of those starters is a beefy five layer burrito. Like just a loose. I'm feeling a bit back. I think I'll just have a fucking beefy five layer burrito for the table. I couldn't possibly eat six layers.

I'll take the five layer one please. Just five layers to begin. I do want to do that. Tiktok. Look for that on my Tiktok. My duet with Noah. Griffin, when are you going to get on that Tiktok? Soon as somebody tells me how it works.

Real real real quick. Before we head into the break real quickly, I did want to let everybody know that the this is just kind of a public service announcement. The Shamrock Shake coming back February 15th. Just in time. And I hear you saying I don't I hear you saying I don't give a shit. Well, that's not what McDonald's thinks. They're welcoming back not only this Shamrock Shake, but also the fan favorite Oreo Shamrock McFlurry.

I always like when restaurants call something a fan favorite, because the alternative is they're bringing back something that no one seemed to enjoy, but it was cheap. We're bringing back a real underdog. Shamrock Shake. We're giving you one more chance to enjoy. We think that this is an acquired taste and one more time. Please give it a try. We ordered so many of them, please.

This is if you learn to read between the lines in these things, they're actually pretty sinister. The Shamrock Shake features creamy vanilla soft serve blended with our unmistakable Shamrock Shake flavor and finished with a whip topping for a minty treat. Now, there's a lot of things that they said there. There's a lot of things they didn't say as well as like, what is in this? Like, why is it like this? It's minty. It's not mint though, is it?

They explain the burning that you feel when you eat it because you can just you can justify that. That must be that they're mint that they mentioned, but everything else is a puzzle box. I know Chef Mike would not do us dirty like that. Oh, no. No, no, no. But I got allergies, you know? For more than 50 years. It strains casualty at this point, some of these quotes from the marketing people.

And this cat, Chad Shaffer, is the director of culinary. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Senior director. Oh, OK. For more than 50 years, fans have eagerly awaited the annual return of the Shamrock Shake counting on the arrival of Shamrock Shake season to mark the unofficial start to spring. And we heard they especially enjoyed getting a taste of the one and only Shamrock flavor in a new way last year with the Oreo Shamrock McFlurry.

We know this winter may feel longer than others. So we're had to do it, had to get it in there. So we're thrilled to give customers something to look forward to by bringing both fan favorites back to the menu this month. So hang in there. The Shamrock Shake is coming. I cannot wait for like the first hint of like now everything's like on the upswing. 51 percent of the population is vaccinated.

Like, you know, we're seeing daylight because at this point, I feel like quick service restaurants have run out of euphemisms for saying like, I don't fucking know, man. Give them some new material about hope on the horizon and just watch them fly. I cannot fucking wait. They're gonna stop on that forever. You know, it's funny. You always see these announcements for like ding, ding, ding, ding, dinner bells on, dipshits, your favorite green shake is back in stock.

They never have a press release. It's like funeral for a friend saying goodbye. Once again, we know you've all looked forward to it and fucking clung to it to get through these cold winter months. But oh, well, it's March 18th. So this shit's going right in the dumpster. Come give it a look if you want. If you miss it, assholes is gone.

Anyway, that's a much squad. Let's take a break for some more positive commercialism in a segment we like to refer to as the Money Zone. You know, when I was a young man, I was told quite often that I was something of an upstart. Upstart. They would say to me, you whipper snapper. They would say. But now upstarts are having their day, aren't they?

Because if you have multiple credit cards, you know that tracking multiple balances due dates and website logins can be stressful. Upstart makes things simple with one monthly payment in one place. Unlike the premise of this. Right. Like, why do you need to be British? There's so many questions. I am not British.

I'm just old. You don't turn British when you get old. I'm an old-timey man. I'm from a time before when we lost our British accents here in America. I'm so old that I still have my. A residual British accent. And a lot of credit cards. Yeah.

No, that's for sure. Like a lot of. When I was a whipper snapper, I signed up for a lot of credit cards to get the free things that they offered at baseball games. Right. And how old are you? I am 175. Upstart is a fast and easy way that gets you a personal loan to pay off your debt all online.

You can pay off credit cards or consolidating high interest debt, whatever. Upstart is going to find smarter rates because they assess more than just your credit score. There's a five-minute online rate check. You see your rate upfront for loans from $1,000 to $50,000. So you can find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash my brother. That's upstart.com slash my brother. Don't forget to use our URL to let them know that we sent you.

Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and certain other information provided in your loan application. That's upstart.com slash my brother. Brooklyn sells very soft... When I was a young man, people used to call me Brooklyn. Brooklyn, they'd say, get off my bed. Now he's rolling his fucking Rs, dude. Get off my bed, Brooklyn.

They'd say, ah, ah, bean. They'd say, get off my bed, Brooklyn. And I'd say, this is my bed. And they'd say, oh, it is my bed. And then we'd fight in the street with pistols. Yeah, but we don't do that anymore. We just chill in our beds with our comfy sheets and stuff that Brooklyn and provides us because they got the really good stuff.

Yeah, they do. I sleep on Brooklyn and sheets, and I sleep like an absolute baby. And whenever I used to travel, I didn't sleep in Brooklyn and sheets, and that made me sad. Sorry, I just realized that I slept in my own bed every day for the last year, and it got me good. But they got a bunch of different colors and patterns and materials to fit your needs and your tastes.

And they got comforters, pillows, and towels. And if you want to just feel like you have a sheet on y'all fucking day, they got loungewear. So that's great. Go to brooklynin.com and use the promo code mybrother all one word to get $25 off when you spend $100 or more, plus you get free shipping. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com

and enter promo code mybrother all one word to get $25 off when you spend $100 or more plus free shipping brooklynin.com and use promo code mybrother at checkout. Welcome. Thank you. These are real podcast listeners, not actors. What do you look for in a podcast?

Reliability is big for me. Power. I'd say comfort. What do you think of this? That's Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go? They came out of the floor? And down from the ceiling?

That can't be safe. I'm upset. Can we go now? Soon. Another question that I would like to shoot your way. This summer I moved into a new home. Everything was good apart from each Friday when a loud ice cream van would park right outside my house

at 8 p.m. and serve customers till late. However, it is now well into December and the van still shows up each week. We're really getting to this question pretty late, huh? Yeah. What are you going to do? Well, we're well out of December and music well after dark.

No one is buying ice cream at night in winter and at this point I'm too nervous to go out and talk to the owner in case this is some front for legal activity. How should I discover what they're up to and do I even want to know? That's from John in Norwich, UK. I've got no idea.

Yeah, I don't see us being capable of answering this, but I have very good news. Yeah. My friend Christina Arielle, who I recently did some game streaming with, she was telling me that there's an ice cream truck outside of her house all the time. So I think we should call her and get her opinion on this.

Let me ring her up on the phone real quick. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Too many numbers. You don't have to hit that many numbers. Prrrrrrrring. Prrrrrrrring. Are we hearing the bells of Christina's phone through the phone?

Oh, I put a microphone in Christina's house so we could record her side of it. Yeah. Prrrrrring. Hello. Oh, thank God. Hi, Christina. It's Travis.

Travis McElroy. Travis McElroy. We did we did that game stream together where we played we played that post apocalyptic game and you probably stream with a lot of people though so like if you don't remember him is let's just let's just clean slate it right now and hi hi there's another trap that's not important we had a question here and I'm gonna repeat it so now we want to get your opinion on this cuz I know there's an ice cream truck that seemingly lives outside your house so what

what should the what what's going on here do you think well I think if you want to know if this truck is actually up to something actually have the perfect plan for you and this works in any case if you suspect that an ice cream truck in your neighborhood is maybe not just selling ice cream go and order a Sonic the Hedgehog ice cream with bubble gum eyes or a Ninja Turtle ice cream and how much frost is on top of it okay if this truck actually sells ice cream so yours is what you're suggesting Christina is they have a freezer and inside that freezer is one sell up the hedgehog popsicle with

gum ball eyes and one teenager Ninja Turtle popsicle with gum ball eyes and nothing else there might be an ice cream sandwich or a bomb pop one of each yes there's one of each and you gotta be careful it's an ah yes an ah ice cream pop you gotta be careful because one of them is also going to be the code word for the drugs that you are also selling today so if you are going down the list of menu items and it says like an it's a kadoosie is four hundred dollars and you can assume that that is some sort of slang for a drug of some sort I bet it's pretty frustrating if you have an ice cream truck that's a front for your

drug selling business but nobody knows it's a front for a drug selling business they just buying ice cream and you're like oh man nobody bought drugs for me today I need to work on my branding well I mean it's an interesting occupation but it's a it's a entrepreneurial intent I don't know what it is it's funny though do you know there this happens in New York City there are trucks that drive around and they have like pot leaves all over them and stuff and the like the candy will be called like hemp and honey or whatever but like there's no there's no actual marijuana in any of it it's just implied but it's

completely it would be completely illegal if it was actual if it was actual THC in these things but it just looks like it and so tourists are like oh my big city and then they just buy what is essentially regular candy for like $20 an ounce so this the impropriety that the appearance of impropriety here is a feature and not a bug is what you're saying yes and you know that if you go to this ice cream vendor who is selling in such a shady way you know that this sits a kadoosie is gonna fuck you up fam it's not a question about it is actually a kadoosie well boy is there's no doubt about it this one's a kadoosie

Christina how do you deal with your children constantly asking you to patronize the ice cream truck that is taken route outside your home because that would be I feel like a basically constant struggle between my children and I well I think the best way to interfere with that is the fact that my husband is an ice cream junkie so there's always ice cream in my house and it's like oh let's go to the ice cream truck but why would we do that when we've got good humor strawberry shortcake bars in the fridge do you want a fat boy like we that way they be like fat boys with peanut butter you can't do

that with your hard ice cream you're gonna get from the ice cream truck that's been sitting in there for 14 years Christiana my wife calls the strawberry good humor bars scooter crunch bars and I didn't know if I should divorce her or not what do you think I think that you should say you know what hun you call it whatever you want to and I'll call it what I want to you can be wrong but we can continue on we don't talk about it that much to be fair actually come up organically to each their own to each their own and also it makes me think about do you remember those commercials for Six Flags they had that old dude and

he had like a bald head and a black tuxedo and you can't see me but I'm doing like this little jig but that's what I always think about because there was like a 90s commercial for good humor man yeah yeah like they would play that in those commercials and I think the long the short part of the story is I really like good humor bars man yeah Christina so just to clarify talking about ice cream truck made you think about the Six Flags guy which then made you think about the good humor guy and not the other way around no the good I thought about the okay so I said we have good humor bars in the fridge which

made me think about that song which then made me think about the Six Flags commercial guys doing the dance which then brought me back to the good humor what ask speaking of I'm a good human man. I'm the only man with the ice cream pan. I take my ice cream across the land. Strawberry, shortcake, chocolate, they clenched. Oh, it's so hard right now.

Cookies sandwich with a chocolate chip. How about a sundae? Jam it. I'm a good human man. I'm a good human man. I'm a good human man. I'm a good human man. I'm a good human man.

I'm a good human man. I'm a good human man. I'm a good human man. I'm a good human man. I wish that God I could be there when this this ad exec pitched this. You know what the kids are so into right now is Scatman. I love Scatman, John. That's the wildest thing about that is it is a parody of the Scatman,

but not like the syllable count is so far off. They are jamming to extra. They are doubling the syllables of the term Scatman. It's wild. It's hubris. It's so strange that someone heard I'm the Scatman and thought, you know what that makes me think of? Good human man.

That's wild. You know what's great about it is that it was like during that area where that area, but during that era where it was like Alley Cat Strike came out as a D-Com. Oh, yeah, like a big boom and like what are those guys called the little like not the tub thumping dudes, but a big band swing kind of like. Oh, like the Ryan Sets Orchestra. Big band popping daddy.

Yeah, big band popping daddy. The squirrel nut zippers. Every band had the worst names, but it was the worst. What a miserable. It seemed like they drew their names syllable by syllable out of a hopper. Yes, it was quite terrible. Why couldn't they have a cool name like stained or puddle of mud or puddle of mud? Jars of clay, jars of blood, blood, creed.

You can't even tell. You can even take me higher with that name. I'm pretty sure most of the bands we just mentioned were undercover Christian rock bands. Sure, they were a great subgenre. Yeah, OK, not just rock, not just Christian undercover Christian rock. You might listen to several of their albums before you figure out. Gotcha, gotcha.

Didn't a big and like insane clown posse story come out? Oh, yeah, the most undercover undercover Christian rock band. They were like the juggalos were a Christian rock band all along. They the juggalos are like if you like they were a plant and a criminal organization, but they were under so long, they forgot how to live a clean life. And I'm like, I think we we start as a Christian band or didn't we just decide what's happening here?

Guys, they got they got they got departed. That's what I mean. That's it. Yeah, the juggalos got raptured. Yep. It's like the great philosopher once said, 50 told me, go ahead and switch your style up. And if they hate, then let them hate and watch the money pile up. Yeah, that's from the Bible, I think. That's also from the Bible. Yeah.

That 50 he was talking about was some what Jesus Jesus Christ. Sometimes they called him sometimes they called him 50 because he took the bread and the fish and he turned it into 50 bread and fish. Oh, that's cool. Good job, Jesus. That's not enough for everybody. There were hundreds of not even close, not even close, but still it was more than one. So. Yeah, that's true.

That is true. 10000. So, oh, oh, oh, my God, trust this is so awkward. But you go ahead and ask your question, then I'll ask my different question. OK. I just wanted to thank Christina for taking time out of her incredibly busy schedule of hosting the Star Wars High Republic web series, the official Star Wars show

discussing the Star Wars High Republic series that it must be so much more fun to do that than to record this show with us. So it means so much to us that you took the time to come on our show to talk about dumb things. Well, I like talking about dumb things and I like you. I will thank you. We talk about Star Wars sometimes on this show, but people weirdly don't like it.

No, no, no, no. We think Star Wars is cool. Spaceships and laser blades and all that shit is radical. But I guess our are we got a lot of just just a lot of jocks listening to our show. You know what you could talk about, though, and just changed all the discourse because it's one thing that everyone can agree on. What's that?

Ivan Ooz is one of the greatest villains in all of cinema, and he deserves his flowers. The courage, the bravery required to come on our show and and be a proponent of Ivan Ooz. It took my breath away, Christina. Some people say he's a bit much. I prefer Zed. I prefer Goldar, but no, no, no, no.

The best part of this entire movie is to think of all the things I've missed, the mighty bunch reunion. Are you kidding me? That is I'm sorry. I have a lot of shit. Who do you think it's a more iconic movie villain? Ivan Ooz or Raul Julia as M. Bison in the Street Fighter movie.

And don't make me choose. Don't make me choose. I know why. I think I think the reason that popped in my head is I think they're both playing at the same level in like, like just acting choice wise, the same incredible level. It's a high camp. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Camp and it is a fine art. And I think they are both incredible artists when it comes to the camp. And I had refused to make his choice on this, but I will continue to say Ivan Ooz as a villain had bars. That's fair. That's fair. I think it's just that it's now that we're into the New Year's 2021, I wanted to make sure that I could reference the best line in cinema ever and make sure we get it in before I have to worry about it,

which is the day that M. Bison invaded your city is the worst day of your life for me. It was a Tuesday. It's just the best. It's very good. And as long as we're quoting street fighter adjacent things, I got a I mean, I can't let the opportunity pass me by to quote the interview that somebody did with Jean-Claude Van Damme when it was revealed

that he had an affair with Kylie Minogue on the set. And he said, OK, yes, yes, yes, it happened. I was in Thailand. We had an affair. Sweet kiss. Beautiful love making. Thanks, John. Thanks, John Claude. To be fair, I hope Jean-Claude Van Damme says something about me someday.

Sweet kiss. Beautiful love making. Beautiful love making. All I can say is John Claude Van Damme. Do you guys know that the bad guy from Raiders? Belloq was played by the same guy who played Ivan Ooze. No, really? That's quite a trajectory, huh?

You must have had one moment where they were putting on the applique on your face, the blue, the purple tentacles. We were like, this is where I'm at currently. That's OK. I mean, it's OK. What's Harrison Ford up to? What's he doing? Yeah, I bet Harrison is maybe in the mighty. You think he called Harrison Ford like, hey, Harrison,

are you in this Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers movie, too? I assume you got the offer right alongside me. Got an opportunity for you. This is a rocket, baby, going all the way to the top. Harrison, can you put on your helmet? I'm not putting on my helmet. Love it. You're the Black Ranger, Harrison, please.

I'm not doing it. Where can people watch your your program? I mean, I guess the Internet, right? You get everything on the Internet these days. Yes, you can watch the Higher Public show on the Star Wars YouTube or on Star Wars dot com, and you can check out more information about the higher public in that little tab about said show. And other than that, you can find me.

Oh, on Mondays, I host a show called Improvised Champions with Mark Mear, who is the voice commander, Shepard and Mass Effect. Oh, yeah. And we there's someone plays through the game Idol Champions. We voice act all the characters. And we also commentate as two of our original characters. So it's really fun. It's on the C&E Games Twitch. Cool.

I also highly recommend if you are subscribed to Dropout, you can watch Dimension 20 and Christina just did a series there on Dimension 20 called Pirates of Leviathan. And when she played Barbarella, it's very, very good. I need to say it for you. OK, please. Her name is Barbarella Cesperla Ganglin, but you can call it Bob. Got it. That's really good. I tell you, people might be so angry.

It must be so stressful to have talent. I can't imagine. You were in trolls. You were in trolls, you were an icon in this house. They let us talk at the same time. And then they put it through a bunch of computers. You know how it is, the music industry. We watched it the other day and because we watched it like my son's in a trance by it.

So like my oldest comes in right at the part where it's the incredibly sad Kelly Clarkson song. Yeah. And out comes the tumbleweed. Oh, yeah. You suck at every one of my kitchens. Busting up, busting up. Some debate amongst the trolls community and our community about which one of the three of us that credited in the books in the IMDb books to the J-man.

Definitely. You listen to my ears. It's absolutely griffin. It's 100,000 percent griffin. No question, but I'm on the poster. So, hey, Cristina, thank you so much for joining us. We really appreciate you being here. I think we've really helped this time. This person we've helped. Yeah, by that ice cream, man. By that ice cream.

Hey, Gryff, how about a yahoo? Yeah, I have a very fast one here. I think this is going to be just a heads up call, like which way you're leaning on it. It was sent by a bunch of people. Thanks, everybody. It's an anonymous yahoo. He answers user who I'm going to call Dump D asks. Oh, challenging.

Do you wish your bath could be the soup? Imagine taking a warm, relaxing bath and you can drink the savory, fragrant soup as you bathe and dip crackers in it. Now, now, now. Let's talk about doing it in the Japanese style because there is a sort of usually you'll shower off and then you'll get in the bath, right?

And the shower gets all the particulate. The gunk. The gunk. Because you don't want to get in the bath and get your gunk all over the bath and then somebody else gets in the bath later. No, no, no, no, no. You shower off first. So I would need a pre-soup bath to even consider this. And even then. And you would never.

I'm sorry, you would never. I mean, you would never. We are all of us made of stardust and gunk. We are made of gunk. If we clean off all the gunk, we'll make more gunk. That's human. But okay, but let me, can I add an element here which is to say how big a container before

it would be dispersed enough. That's what I'm saying. That you would be okay. Like if you got into a lake of soup and you knew there were no fish or like rocks or anything, it was just you and the soup, is that then dispersed enough? Because I would posit the issue comes down to the twist is unless you have like a super long spoon,

you're still eating the soup from immediately around your body. Yeah, sure. You would want to get, you know, you would want to dive down deep into the depths far from where your butt stuff and your peepee stuff might accidentally get on it and your foot stuff and armpit stuff, like those are the worst parts.

Your body stuff, but just say your human body stuff. Well, no, they're saying if I spill some soup on my thigh, I'll eat that right off there. That's not a problem. If I spill it on my, if I, I'll spoon it up there, but if I drop soup on my foot or my penis or my butt or my armpits, then that's going in the trash. Or your hair or your face or your ears,

shoulders I think would be okay. Okay, you've never gotten, you've never been eating soup excited and you get soup on your face and you just kind of lick it off. No, no, no, I have a beard, friend. I can't do that. But God, Travis really fucking knocked this one out

of the park because the question is, how big a body of soup do you need to be in? Cause I would argue a bathtub is too small, too small. Cause like at that point, so much of that soup has come in contact with me. Can we just, can we, okay, can I, let me, in the interest of, oh, we all agree we're made of gunk. It's undrinkable, I think.

It's like Ralph Nader wrote undrinkable at any size, okay? No, no, but let's pretend in a world where like we have, we can divorce ourselves from like hygiene, right? What are you asking? I don't know, you get, you get laminated before you go in. I don't, I don't know. But like, let's talk about all other elements of this question because I feel like,

will you enjoy the sensation, you know, of floating in a lake of chunky chicken? Hold on, wait, now that is the other question, Justin, because I would argue, I would fight so hard for tomato soup. Yeah, wait, see, I go tomato basil bisque. Which is your shit. I mean, sure, as long as I can't see my own body in it,

so no broth. I want no chunks either. No chunks, no chunks. I got too many crannies and or nooks in my human body to do chunks. Yeah, I want, if I don't have chunks, I'll be hungry after. Oh, so Justin, we're not talking about Seicy, I assumed we were in a fear factor-esque scenario here

and not like, well, this is my life now. Yeah. No, but like, what is something gonna bring you, Brad? Like, it doesn't make sense. Okay, but here's me. If I'm already gonna, okay, listen, okay, shut up, shut up. If you baked in soup and an hour later,

you tell your significant other, feeling a little peckish. They're gonna look at you like, didn't you just fucking bathe in soup? Okay, Justin, the other side of that is like, if you said, I'm starving, what should we do for dinner? And then you saw a lake of soup and you said, never mind.

Not that. Not that. That would be completely bonkers. Here's me though, I'm over here getting showering off my pre-soup shower, or maybe it's a burning, like in Andromeda Strain where they just kinda blast you with hot light and your outer layer of skin cells just comes off de-hairing.

De-hairing, you are a perfectly hairless, beautiful, just heart-seeing. You're Neo in the Matrix, right? Yeah. When he first comes out of the pod. And then I walk over to the kitchen real quick and I do whip myself up a grilled cheese Sammy, cut it in half, one half in each fist,

run jump into the tomato basil bisque lake. Oh, boy. And now I'm having a fucking party. I mean, the ideal is you have a sandwich big enough to float on, got that grilled cheese out there, you're floating on the grilled cheese, you're just ripping tiny pieces off, dipping it into the tomato soup lake.

That's the ideal, but admittedly, that is not the question, right? I understand that. If I did enough deep grouting, I would get in a bathtub of tomato basil bisque and I would eat some of it. And I don't think that makes me nasty. I mean, you could think whatever you want,

can't you? Listen, Griffin, we can talk about if it's okay or not, the way you said it, made it a passionate thing, like a thing you wanted to do actively, and that bothered me. Since we got rid of the chunks, I feel like everybody has kind of lost the passion for this. No. You know, because it just doesn't make,

it's not appetizing. Okay, wait, Justin, can I follow you down this path then for a second? When you're talking about these chunks. Oh, wait, did you want me to list some of my favorite chunks? No, we'll get there. When you're talking about chunks. Orzo for this time.

Okay. Thank you. I'm thinking about a lake with now in the can, as exists on earth, guys, chunks, or that this whole thing is scaled up. In the can? No, no, no, hear me out. I'm not bathing in cans.

No, no, no, you're misunderstanding Travis's question. What I'm saying is, someone has taken soup that now exists on earth and filled the lake with it. Or, rather, we're in a honey-eye shrunk-to-kid scenario, where now you're shrunk down, the bowl is U-sized, and all the chunks are gigantic. Right, yes. Nobody wants that.

Okay. Okay, so you're just talking about small chunks. No, I'm just talking about open my mouth a little, or as I slip in, you know? You're gonna munch, munch, munch around this lake. Well, no, I think Justin's talking about filtering Orzo through his teeth like Baileen. Ah.

Exactly. And I'll actually have to filter out the Bailees, too, because it's a very fancy soup. It's a very fancy soup. Now, if you could give me a matzo ball, perhaps, to float on, now, that would be fucking great, as if there was lake-sized matzo ball soup with one big fucking matzo ball, right in the center,

that you had to sort of climb in the hill style, yeah. You can't just make a soup wonderland for you to play in. You're like inventing this chili wonka style landscape, where you're just floating, come with me, have a beam. Yes. You can't just make it a playground, it's just soup, fuck. But why not, Justin? Why can't we dance on moonbeams and have big old chunks?

You're like, you're like, you're perverting the whole idea of a theoretical question. It would be like saying, like, hey, imagine you could take a bath in soup, and also your right arm becomes incredibly strong and powerful, able to lift anything. It's like, well, yeah, I'd go ahead and do that. But you're not, you're just talking about

taking a bath in soup. It's not hard, it's just a question. I'm sorry, I apologize. I thought that was gonna be a quick one. Well, no dice, thanks for listening to our program. I feel like we, by the way, that we didn't, that is unanswered still. I feel like we did not reach a point.

I answered it. I said yes. I just feel like what we answered is something more important, which is that we're three different people with different priorities about. Yeah, but I feel like this is the first time in like 547 episodes that the three of us

have been so divided on an issue that like I feel, I feel like I don't know you, Justin. That's an exciting new chapter to end our show on. Thanks for listening to our program. We hope you enjoyed yourself. Thanks to Max Fun for having us as a part of their extended podcasting family. Thanks to you for listening.

I think we got some new, is there some new moments? Oh yeah, there is, Justin. Let me tell you about it, cause it's very exciting. We've got a really great boy car pin of the month designed by Zachary Sterling that benefits Know Us Without ULA. Know Us Without U is providing food security

for undocumented back of house staff and their families in Los Angeles. We've also got the Taste of Luxury stimulus wine glass. We've got the Taste of Luxury shirt designed by Kevin Budnick. It's so cute. The Candle Nights video on demand is there

from our virtual Candle Nights show. It's pay what you want and all proceeds are still going to Harmony House. And hey, if you like books, you can get the Adventure Zone Crystal Kingdom pre-ordered now over at TheAdventureZoneComic.com that comes out July 13th. And everybody has a podcast except you

is out now in an e-book, in paper, in audio, all those. Go get it at bit.ly slash McRoy podcast book. But the main thing is our Adventure Zone live virtual show happening February 19th at 9 p.m. It's a 9 p.m. Eastern, I should say. It's virtual and interactive. So there will come major points where you, the audience, will get to vote

on what the player characters will need to do. And we're going to be playing Honey Heist with special guest Erica Eche, which is very exciting. Erica is amazing. Tickets are only $10 and you can get them at live.themacroy.family. We're close on that new theme song.

Oh, so close. So watch this space. And when I say we, I mean the people who are actually working on the song, but it's nearly finished. We had input in it, like, that's real good. I guess so, yeah. You're doing good, do more.

Do a good job. Maybe more drums or maybe less, yeah. Have you thought about adding a note here that's like, buh, buh, buh. So here's that final. It was sent in also by the wizard Ben Cant. Thank you, Ben, you crushed it. That's from a Yahoo Answers user, Vic, who asks,

if Michelangelo painted the 16 Chapel, who painted the first 15 Chapel? Hey. Thanks for listening to our podcast. This has been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Wait, we supposed to say our names? Travis.

Wait, oh, Travis. It fell off. It fell off. And Travis. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis. I'm Griffin. I'm not saying it again.

Okay, that was the show. Hope you had some fun. Talked for an hour, and now our job is done. Go back into the world face the day ahead. Please don't tell our grandparents all the cuss words we said. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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