My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 549: Bros Better, Bros Best, Ch. 153-169

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

Because of storms and power outages we weren’t able to record last week, so it’s time to once again turn to the past for a Best Of episode. If you’re in the market for a crash course in Farm Wisdom, your time has come.Suggested talking points: Farm Wisdom, Sheryl Psy, Dad’s All That, Small Mysteries, Jawbreaker, Racehorse Witchcraft, Kissing Experiments, Stealing Sunsets, Plosives, Horse Emotions, Toilet Paper Wallet , High School 2, Larry's Fiesta Party on the House, Swords MythsWays to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

Here come the McElroy's, we've got jokes and bits, we're gonna give advice and you'll find these bits, laughter it is in store, come inside and sing, it's time to start, it's my brother, my brother and me. The answer once responded, flowers are a plant genitalia, secret exposed, secret revealed. Farmers probably know some shit though, they probably know some fucking earth wisdom. They're probably, well not these days, these days farmers just flip the switch on the machine that yanks the milk out of the cow's tits. Do you think, do you think that farmers still know how high the sycamore grows? I don't think no, no I think the only- Why does the grinning bobcat grin? They don't care about why the big bobcat grins, they just wanna shower him in chemical.

You know, I say- Can I hang with all the colors of the mountain? Listen Douglas, I think your farm is great, I do think that if you did not have that giant sycamore in the middle of it, just to see how tall it'll grow. What if I cut it down, I'll never know. You won't live to see it, no one will. My children's children will. Your children's children are gonna turn it into magazines. Man that bobcat sure seems to like it though.

That bobcat seems to please his punch, how did he do that? I don't know, he's just that way, that's just how he is. Call him Henry. Everything is shale colored, you had dog's mountain colors, idiot. Pay with the color of the mountain. That's what I do, apparently sunflowers fucking rotate to follow the sun across the sky. Yeah. It's called heliotropism, didn't know this, I just learned about heliotropism from Yahoo Answers, is it real?

I don't want you to learn from Yahoo Answers ever. This is the singularity, everybody- I don't want to learn anything from Yahoo Answers either, but if it happens that I'm willing to accept it because I love knowledge and I love drinking it up and apparently heliotropism is the thing. Wikipedia is telling me all about waggle dances now. I'm going down a fucking rabbit hole right now. Griffin to knowledge is like a sunflower to the sun. Griffin just tilts his-

I tilt my little head towards him. His genitalia. I tilt my plant genitalia, sort of. One of the Yahoo Answers responded, Carrots! Indeed, revealed. I bet you guys cows know some shit. But mostly farmers know some shit about earth and the way things work.

That they're not telling us. About good dirt and bad dirt. I bet that's something they know a lot about. You know what's funny is they know a lot about farming, but they've never seen like a tall building, like a car. Yeah, right. They would be horrified. It would be very scary, but I bet they know all about what happened in Benghazi. I bet they know the truth about Benghazi.

If you want to fucking suss that out, put a farmer on the stand. There's two things farmers know about. Like agricultural shit and foreign affairs. And Benghazi specifically. I've been trying to get into gardening. Sydney and I have been trying to plan some stuff. And speaking of secrets that farmers know, one of those secrets that I don't know that I'm betting farmers do

is basically not knowing what plants will emerge from the ground and which I will have to retrieve from there. I literally had to ask Sydney about basically every plant. Like will the pepper be in the ground or will it be above the ground? And I bet that's a secret that farmers have on law pretty much. Yeah, I bet that that's pretty important to just their general survival and their fiscal stability is just knowing where the carrots are at any given time. I can never remember.

Ah shit, I did it wrong again. Is it a carrot tree? Fuck. I can't remember. I did it bad. I am the worst farmer. I don't know any of the secrets of mother earth's beautiful womb that I grow my carrot children inside. I should never cut down that second one.

One of my neighbor farmers told me that if you feed a cow rocks then he'll poop out whole watermelons that you can sell at the country fair but they just killed them. They died. They're tricky farmers. That's the secret about farm wisdom. They're either telling you something that will enrich your life like heliotripism and bee dances

or they'll give you a little riddle. They'll play a trick on you. They're like bridge trolls. They're actually descended from bridge trolls. They are. All farmers are descended from bridge trolls. They only speak in riddles. There's another secret for you.

You know that poem God made a farmer? It's not true. God made a bridge troll. And then they just sort of naturally fell into another vacation. They defied his teachings and they left the bridges. And so they were cast out of Eden. That's Genesis 1-1 baby. Read a book.

Read a book. Specifically the Bible. Specifically our new version of the Bible. The brother's grandma presents the Bible. Take a chance. Is it appropriate to leave a small party? Six people. When someone puts on gongam style and everyone asks everyone to start dancing.

That's from unsure in Oklahoma. Oh, this is the shittiest. Oops, you're in the shittiest party. I would actually argue that six people does not constitute a small party. Well, it's not a party until gongam style comes on and then uh oh it is. It is a small party in the Dungeons and Dragons sense. But not in the typical social sense. Here's the verbiage in this question that really throws me off.

You said if you had asked, is it appropriate to leave a small party when someone puts on gongam style and everyone starts dancing? Yeah. If you leave that, then you're a stick in the mud. But if you, when someone puts on gongam style and asks everyone to... Attention please! Attention please! Get all rise to our feet. I'm going to teach everyone the dance.

I learned it from YouTube. Move it up! Move your legs from side to side as if you were straddling an invisible pony. Dance you beautiful bastards. We are golden gods. The fun thing about this question is that this person has already lived this scenario. And one of two things happened. Either they feel bad because someone said everyone start dancing to gongam style and they said I'm leaving.

And then they walk to the door and never look back. Or they did do it and they dance and they're wondering was there another way? Was there an escape route? Now I think it was the former and I think the next day the host of the party, this psychopath who dictates when the dancing occurs, came up to them and was like hey what the fuck man? We were having a great time last night. That was inappropriate Dave. You left and then there were only five people and that definitely doesn't count as a party anymore.

You ruined my birthday. Oh what if the host of the party was Psy? That is ego maniacal. He put on his own song and said please it's all I have. I don't think there is an organism on earth that is more sick of that song than Dr. Psy. I have to assume. Nobody likes his ballads you know what I mean? Nobody likes his tender love making stuff.

People try to get into gentlemen but they're not feeling it. People listen to gentlemen out of fucking courtesy. You know what I mean? But the hook. We owe him this one. He's given us so much and we in turn have also given him quite a bit. But the hook on that one does not bring me back. It's sort of like how people continue to listen to if it makes you happy by Cheryl Crowe

because they really appreciate it all I want to do so much. They did all they could do for all I want to do. They bought the single. They bought the album and then when that next album came out with it makes you happy they thought well you know what I still owe her. I'm still in debt to her for all the fun that first song brought me. Right. It's exactly like that.

There's so many similarities between Si and Cheryl Crowe that I feel like a lot of people just like goes right over there. Have you ever seen them in the same room together? I have not. No. I have not. Could it be a Phoenix rebirth? You think Cheryl could show a pro fucking die?

No. I'm saying that Cheryl Crowe met with like her advisors and she said I need a new persona. She went to Phoenix online university. Took some classes in Korean. She took a minor in hammer dancing. Did you guys see that mashup? Oh that went down good. When the two of them performed that together.

Take a chance. How can I get my dad to be cool? He's a really shy nerdy guy. He's like 50 so can he really change? My mom walks all over him and it makes me sad to see that my father's not a real man. Yes he's a responsible man and a kind man but not a real man. I want to teach him how to be cool and not so uptight. He needs to start hitting the gym going out to socialize and maybe pick up a fun hobby

like pool hustling or joining a motorcycle gang. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. 50 any too late to just fucking switch it and change it? We're talking about it dad's all that right? I can't. Hey dad take those glasses off. Ah shit.

You're a stigmatism I forgot. Hey dad get off that riding lawn mower kid mommy dad. Come on. He cleaned you right up. Oh my goodness. Wait dad of the year was that the Rick Moranis movie? What was the Rick Moranis movie? That was honey I shrunk the kid.

Honey I shrunk my swag. Honey I blew out my swag. How can you get your 50 year old? Well first of all you're going to have to have a frank conversation with him. With your dad Frank. If your dad's name is Frank it helps to say like listen you have raised me you're kind and you're responsible. Mom's walks all over you but I respect what you've done for me and my family.

But fuck you are lame. Manzo's you just man I look at you and it's just you're just a pitiful husk of negative manliness. The stork has not been kind enough to bless me with a baby from the cabbage patch but I am 32. Right. So I would I can't address something for you. Your dad is 100% aware at every waking moment how uncool he has become. This is not a wake up one day and you have those socks with you have Argyle socks on.

This is a slow descent from relevance that started like in his late 20s and just kind of got worse. I would bet statistically though at some point he was probably cool. He's but that's the thing he might be still he might be in full blown dad denial he might be in dad Nile like he might be like the big Niles is not a river in Egypt. I know it's not it's not it's not at all. He like he might be like a big parrot head and that might be like a mainstay from his youth and he might just think like I fucking get it.

The world is the world is moving in the wrong direction and that direction is away from Jimmy Buffett's relevance. I am still on the fucking cutting is going to be a Buffett full episode. Maybe it's his birthday. What? Like do you know what I mean like there are those dads out there that are like oh yeah man I saw the Eagles three times last year and it fucking shit like that's that's not that is literally only your definition of cool.

Even the Eagles don't think that that that that's the Eagles know the Eagles. So like here's the thing we need to talk about your Eagles consumption. The Eagles said to the Eagles fan the other side of this coin is so much more embarrassing that if you had a dad who suddenly just rolled up one day and full on like leather outfit and biker gear and like we ride in the motorcycle and he was like hey kids let's go check out the concert scene like you're not gonna be does anybody here like Drake and then he fans out some Drake tickets. Yeah you're not gonna be more proud of him.

I would actually that would be that would be if my dad rode his motorcycle from Irton Ohio to Austin Texas and then fanned out a fucking fistful of Drake tickets. I don't even I don't know a single Drake song but I would say yes and I would hop on the back of that Harley and we would go have the best ride in the sunset. So this will be interesting if the call and response works out this one was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray wow guys that's gratifying as by Yahoo Answers user Sammy who asks what are some simple mysteries that I can solve be serious.

My dad said to start it's misspelled start but it's hard to pronounce it small and build my way up to big mysteries like spirits and houses hauntings etc. I need to know some simple cases please and thank you one of the more manner Lee Yahoo Answers. Yeah I like the play don't start with encyclopedia brown those are way hard for me still I cracked one out I cracked one open recently I think I'm 32 now they should be and I'm cut to 20 minutes later well okay the first battle of bull run could have been this because the sword said on that love those books didn't make me any better at mysteries though.

I think your parents have to plan the mysteries for you right because I don't know how old this person is I hope not too old you got you got to get an early start on the mystery game it's like being a gymnast but it can't start young what could start as a small mystery could like unfurl to be like gang gang and like like national drug trade yeah just like just like just like a national national treasure he's trying to find the Constitution turns into a whole thing starts out with him doing a tricky Sudoku and by the end of it he's just wrapped up in a fucking John Voight shoot him up that is that is the problem with if you've I mean if you've ever read anything any mystery it always starts with what appears

to be a simple mystery there I don't think you can definitively say this is going to pan out to be very simple because what if it's like it's like that sweater you start pulling that yarn and then it's just well there's a whole case here then you have the mystery of the unraveled sweater yeah your mom is super pissed off that her sweaters fucking gone and she's like here's a mystery was me a mystery so I was simple and we look at some clues and we just think back yeah as me when I did that it's a pretty good clue of my memory when we were when we were little little kids I don't think when we were smaller I don't think Griffin was born yet and try not to tell the story then cuz like oh it gives us okay this

BGM before Griffin McRoy and Travis and I had discovered food coloring so we filled every drink we could get our hands on with food coloring and then we decided to see what effect would have on the carpets and and then our mom came down and I just wanted to tell this story because that seems like a pretty easy mystery for her to solve yeah so if you could set that up for him just put some food coloring on your mouth and on the couch and then sit there and wait and I think that as his parents you could be pretty easy and it was also that was also just like a really good bit for like the family circus fans in the audience like me people who don't like all the blue humor we usually do and just want some like

Dennis the menace ask shenanigans I don't think there's anything wrong with being tasteful for a few minutes I've been pushing to get us to be a little cleaner and I think that was a great start I told the story on Twitter today about the job breaker in the theater you guys know that one I don't think so we were seeing a play with that and he our dad used to be obsessed with these birds egg job breakers birds egg sometimes I call them psychedelic job breakers they're the white ones with the colorful flecks on them that when you eat them enough those flecks turn into like they become tactile they become they become like fucking birds they become a topographical map of the it's the worst thing to have in your mouth I don't

know why he was as obsessed with them as he was there were there why our daddy has diabetes now but he loved him back in the day he had a hole you could get him a cracker where it was like his exclusive dealer and I remember he had an empty shed spread country crock container that he kept up up out of our reach Matt you're back huh wait till you see this new shit I got in I've got the dopest prickliest kush but anyway so he was he was enjoying what some of his prickly kush and he uh he laughed and the job breaker pops out of his mouth and rolls down two aisles and without missing a beat he says oh my glass eye and he covers the socket with his hand and this one two aisles down picks it up and hands it back

to him and he pops it right in his mouth because he's a dirty creep our dad's a dirty our dad's a creepy dirty fuck just kidding he's the best dad of all time if you say anything like that about my dad I'll I'll take I'll take your skin take a chance farm wisdom farm wisdom get your fork it's not a spork farm wisdom I would like Griffin to read the first one please um I here's the first one I grew up on a racehorse farm oh the most exciting life I grew up on a racehorse welcome to the show paul bearer the late paul bearer who joined us when a veterinarian when a veterinarian castrates a racehorse they throw the detached balls up on the roof of the barn for good luck pretty gross jessie thanks jessie and I fact check that that's a hundred percent that's 100

wives tale 100 fuck you there's no doesn't horse sperm sell for like hundo thousand on you castrate a racehorse if it's having behavioral problems that's and then you you have like tell me though promise me that if you are going to do this for behavioral problems you definitely definitely bring the horse out of the yard when you throw its balls on the hey come see this what how did this old why you never playing in my yard how or come watch this see what's funny eat my pocket or come on how how did this fucking witchcraft kiss I can't imagine there was just a super lazy veterinary old-timey you never heard balls on the roof fast in the hoof I'm imagining like an 18th century veterinarian like what do I

what I do with these they're slippery maybe in that maybe in the heat of a passionate horse crime they they cut off a ball a horse's balls unwillingly and then had to dispose of the evidence chankel chankel oh god that is balls what do you know oh fuck you got a you got a time on the back of your truck so that they hang comically as though they're the truck's testicles it's very comical is that the implication I believe so I'm going to go back when I'm editing the podcast and find the minute mark where Travis said he was going to start adding whiskey to his beverage and then time it out to now and then we'll know like the porousness of his liver what's the other farm with him uh chickens play dead and fart through their mouths the best Smith's album

I don't care what anybody says it is the best hey everybody I hope you're enjoying this bros better bros best sorry it's not a new episode Justin and Griffin both lost power for a long time when I'm recording this Justin still doesn't have power in his house and is staying in a hotel everybody's safe everybody is warm it's just been very chaotic for the last week so I hope you'll bear with us and understand and now enjoy the money zone online shopping can be daunting it's listen I'm worried enough doing my grocery shopping online I still do it because it's cool and it's the good thing to do but it's even scarier buying clothes because I don't know what's

gonna fit on my body I don't know what's gonna look good on my body and I barely even know what my own style is that's why I love stitchfix this season let stitchfix do all the hard work for you they're going to find clothing hand selected by expert stylists for your unique size style and budget and one of my favorite parts you can try on pieces at home before you buy you try them on you keep your favorites you send back the rest stitchfix has free shipping easy returns and exchanges in a prepaid return envelope is included and there's no subscription required I've been using stitchfix for a while now so if you've seen me and you're like huh Travis's style game has really stepped up it's all thanks to stitchfix I wish I could take credit for it but so much of

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refunds at bit.ly slash taz refunds the show is virtual and interactive it's going to be march 5 and 9 p.m eastern time basically there will come times in the show where you're going to get to vote to decide what the players do we're going to be playing honey heist with special guest Erica tickets are only $10 and like I said you can get them at live dot the macro dot family make sure you check out the February merch especially that pin of the month before it's gone it's boy car from the my brother my brother and me tv show designed by Zachary sterling it benefits know us without you la know us without you is providing food security for undocumented back of house staff and their families in los angeles don't forget to check out the taste of

luxury stimulus wine glass the taste of luxury shirt designed by kevin budnick and candle nights video on demand is still available it's pay what you want and all proceeds go to harmony house and hey while you're thinking about it go ahead and pre-order the adventure zone crystal kingdom it's available now the pre-order is it's going to come out july 13th 2021 and you can get that pre-order at theadventurezonecomic.com now back to the show hey kid your dad tell you about the time he broke steven dorf's nose at the kid's choice awards in dead pilot society scripts that were developed by studios and networks but were never produced are given the table reads they deserve when i was a kid i had to spend my christmas break filming a psa about angel dust so yeah being a

kid sucks sometimes presented by andrew reich and ben blacker dead pilot society twice a month on maximumfun.org you know to show you like thank hobo with the scarf who lives in a magic dumpster sorry if this is too weird do you smell a person while hugging be true he adds definitely yes it gives you a kind of an idea of what kind of a person he or she is does it i'm trying to think of ever like intentionally yeah because that's the thing is you mean like oh i hug someone and you know like i'm breathing yeah that's the thing i hug someone go it's like when you scope it out when you scope out a situation and you see it with your eyes like the neurons are already in your brain once you perceive the thing the neurons are gonna

go where they want to go they're gonna fire off the synapses that they want to fire off and then all of a sudden you know if that person's attractive or not when you when you hug someone you have smell particles going in your nose that are firing off those your eyes can be deceived griffin right that's true but but smell particles can't lie i actually have i think that my usual mo is to like i'll do a regular inhale like as i'm going in for the hug just breathing oh man but then if i like sort of i like oh you're going for seconds is i'll go you'll take a second hey do you mind if i take a second scoop just real quick let me just get a second scoop real quick is this one for a customer can i have to can i have an how much for an extra shot i i feel

like if you get an extra extra with it though you definitely do have to comment oh man definitely you just have to say like okay can i hug the other shoulder now go to the right yeah like the french do it i have french do it double hug this is a serious serious problem for men of my cynocystic uh who have my particular uh almost constant set of of maladies relating to my nose zone um which is to say it's it's some kind of it's either hey fever season or mold season or some kind of season constantly here in austin so i'm constantly sniffling and if i'm hugging someone i mean every 10 seconds i have to sniff and like if they land in that in that period like it is going to seem like i'm like oh hey bring it in yeah haven't seen you in a while

what no it's just yeah i've uh i'm sick well then when i just embraced him like you smell great just say you smell great everybody was like that you brighten somebody's day they don't think it's weird or you've been working out a compliment it's a great compliment when not said right after sniffing because because when somebody's fit they put the scent that they produce is way way way better when they've just no i meant that they were working out immediately prior to the hug oh god like so they smell like jim funk that's also if you guys met my friend jim funk i want to ask you this is this is related and it's something that's been on my mind for a few days i uh was watching something on tv i don't i don't know but you see it all the time and two

people were meeting are they yeah a television program a few people were meeting and when they were greeting each other the guy goes in and kisses the woman's cheek as like a greeting right mm-hmm i and you see this happen was it his wife or his mom no okay well then you see people doing i mean it happens people do it i don't know i mean grown-ups are always doing this and i see it on television sometimes in real life and i don't know how you would even begin to add that layer to your social repertoire yeah i don't know i also i've tried it like i've i've done a couple of you know just preliminary tries of the just gonna take it for a spin hey listen i gotta hear about your dry runs i don't want to weird you out but do you want to experiment with me

i want to try something out it's like okay so you know that awkward moment when like someone goes for a hug and you go for a handshake yeah it's like that times like eight because it's like just eight that seems so conservative griffin i've done a lot of no a number crunching on this is eight because the person chances that someone's gonna fucking headbutt you is pretty high the person pulled back was like that was eight times weirder than when you go for a hug and they go for a handshake that was exactly 800 percent weird i took fucking statistics in college and i do in fact know what i'm talking about i've got a survey size of a thousand and it was well you just told us it was to you what no i said a couple how did you how did you what were you were you had you

been drinking like what i don't know what yeah i can't even imagine that's a horrible experiment i did it in laboratory conditions did you do one dude one lady just to see how it felt like i did 500 dudes and 500 and it was mostly for college credit because i can't afford to pay that many people sure sure when you you your fucking mouth would have been busted after a thousand smashes i had a robot okay i didn't do it myself right pretend this robot is a loved one you haven't seen in a long time your acquaintances but not lovers okay now the scene is set how many times worse was that enter the smooching chamber the background is set enter the smoochatorium well you don't want to skew the results so i had to tell them they were there for a sleep

something something is going to happen in this room with this stranger robot that's going to make you uncomfortable have fun science get your college credit on the way out it's important that they don't know that the robot is part of the experiment though or else it'll ruin the the truth of the experiment take a chance farm wisdom farm wisdom get your cow into a soup farm wisdom oh what if you put your cow in a person's suit uh yeah i'm a humie i'm a skin i'm a flesh show what would they be called humies humies maybe i guess i'm a humie cows are proven to have oh no you know what travis you should reform wisdom that's your thing i think cows are proven to have best friends if they're separated from each other they get stressed and their milk yields

suffer that's from victoria i i don't know why but i find that fucking like heartwarming oh it's amazing i actually watched uh there's this documentary on netflix about i think it's called animal odd couples and it's about like this dog and this cheetah are best pals and so to interview zookeepers they're like yeah i don't know what fucking happened this dog and cheetah just started hanging out together but you knew that they just put them in a cage like let's see what'll happen you know they went through like 14 dogs and six cheetahs before they found the right mix girlfriend i cannot imagine how bad of a day you have to have before you decide that you deserve animal odd we watched a very bleak marathon of homeland

and i was like we gotta fucking boost these spirits let's watch a monkey on a dog travel any other farm wisdom this yeah i want griffin to read the second one um this is on sin and by laura thank you she says if you want to get rid of a ground hog pee in its hole it will move to a better neighborhood oh the property values around here have just plummeted ever since jeff peed in our burrow like a bad elements moved in ever since jeff peed in here hey jeff what are you doing uh neighbor i mean neighbor hey neighbor i'm just gardening yeah just put in my last mortgage payment today we owned oh jeff oh just repainted the kids room i'm pretty happy ah damn it jeff at least the smell's gonna go oh you ate a spare

ah fucking jeff you know how many earlier today i was telling jeff about our groundhog problem ah god damn it god damn it julia i told you not to tell jeff about our groundhogs always outside already son of a yeah i kind of feel like that's a catchall way to get anything to move out of the neighborhood like is there an animal that like you pee in its burrow and it's like nice nice sweet probably prairie dogs fucking nasty ass nasty ass rodents let's get some piss up in here yeah now the party's really getting started we're all freaks you know rattlesnakes are getting dirty you love it uh you guys want to get who please uh this yahoo was sent in by bobby michael thank you bobby that's why yahoo answers user demonica who asks

do these guys want to steal my horse it's very complicated but i'm going to try my best of what's happening i got a healthy i sorry i already fucked up i got an healthy race horse he's four and beautiful and calm is anything he's a dream horse so anyway there's a group of lads they keep on pointing my horse out in the field or in the stable they asked me if he was mine today i was on a hack out with him and the guys keep their eyes on him and when they noticed i was watching them they turned the other way so when i came back to the stables they were outside my stable door and said oh he's beautiful isn't he but there's something suspicious about their behavior right they also won't stop beating it i also know gross i also noticed when i'm riding in the arena

they watch him in the far distance outside the gate so any idea of why they seem more attached to my horse are they flirting other people are also interested in him but they don't do what they do so i'm finding their actions very suspicious what should i do she means are they flirting with her god it's hard to tell okay by lads she may actually mean four other horses like horses are following her horse around gonna seal this horse it'll be like horse taken you know i i think that any i think she might be projecting a little bit she just loves that horse so much that she assumes ever when else would want to get into this dream horse get into it like get you know like get they just want to go you know they want to get inside like sit in the passenger seat

right right right get into its whole scenario they think hey like like you could you know really get into it like that scene in mace ventura when nature calls when he's inside the rhino god if we could go no i don't mean like literally into i mean like like when you go to the car dealership is like i can get you into a new sedan what's it gonna take to put you inside this horse you know i don't think a horse can have a sidecar justin if that's what you're if that's what you're suggesting does ac come standard is this a standard or automatic horse can you even steal a horse like if you can the worst thing you can do is sit there and go that's a beautiful horse no you know what what kind of oats does he eat any kind of special

barn or how would i steal him just hypothetically the problem with the idea of stealing a horse is because it implies that you can own a horse and as we all know not possible nobody can own a horse they are like freedom incarnate you can at you steal a dream you can you steal a hope you can at wishes at best you can form a partnership a voluntary partnership with a horse but they're at best there is no title involved in the process and then and if anything it's a ten us agreement can you steal a sunset can you take a chance how about a yahoo this yahoo is sitting by andy hill thank you andy it's about yahoo answers user john it's gonna get gross here goes yeah john asks detailed how to kiss please

i don't know some girls like making out with me and some say i use too much teeth help me out here guys how should you kiss it shouldn't use your teeth teeth is a bad well sometimes you get you know if it's um if it's getting old of the annunciators i would say that teeth are the least important in the equation and uh lips and tip of the tongue are probably much yeah i don't think he's worried about hitting his hard consonants while he's well he's mouth mouth deep help with my plosives guys i actually just got a letter from my lawyer he says that it would be too actually too weird for me to continue to participate in this particular conversation well then i actually just got a

letter from my copyright lawyer who said if i give away my secrets i will be infringing on my patents okay let's but then let's go off the record here oh let me turn the chair around and that officially means we're off the record and none of this okay just be clear any any kissing secrets they give away here cannot be used do not tweet them do not quote us in your local periodicals but we are about to drop some science on you girls love it when you just run your teeth into their teeth if there's not a loud click i did that i did a lot in high school and the girls would be like oh what the fuck and i'd be like what's wrong don't you know that's how it's good that's what's good that's good now the girls girls also like it when you sword fight with your tongues

when you really get in there like greppo roman wrestle with that if you make a mistake and you seem to set them off right uh set them off wrong rather you need to pretend that it's the way they do it in whatever the next level of education for you is so if you're in middle school and your teeth click and they say oh i hate that you're saying well that's listen this is uh this is what they do at the adult learning annex this is how they this is how they do it in my doctorate program so i don't know you just need to maybe get a little more mature if you do make a mistake though the best way to do it is to just lean in real close to their ear and just go uh oh cheerios yeah that's going to really ignite that i i think it's really going to set this situation

ablaze the trick the trick is to be thorough like a um just get your get your get your whole mouth in their mouth and just like sort of scout around like a surgeon fish my number one kissing rule is kiss every tooth kiss every tooth one by one let me see that we got a little more and then and if that starts to get stale just start going around the face you know go for the eyes um you know the nose uh no hold spark use your nose put your fucking eyelash on their tongue and like just give them some of that for a bit put your nose put put your nose in there ear yeah just act like you're a puppy looking for some stray pizza sauce after after pizza after pizza thursdays don't don't explore their mouth after pizza thursdays though

no and you know what else girls love women and gentlemen um enjoy that before you do anything you ask and i mean constantly is it okay if i kiss your eyeball may i kiss your nose you kiss him i'm gonna look behind your ear for pizza sauce yeah or just if you're doing the mouth too just just give him like a can't kiss your mouth can't kiss your mouth can't kiss your mouth again i really like it and and keep growing in intensity every time i kiss your mouth how about that mouth can't please can i ask give me a mouth how are we going to alert our listeners that it is now safe to walk across the room and pick up the headphones that they have surely right now cast cast from the i've got like at least

three more minutes to some dude with a notepad going ask before you do any of this is good pizza first day so okay this is all good chicken chance let's see how he was sent by wane rowan thank you wane it's about yahoo answers user sophie who asks do horses have any emotions that humans don't have i am actually doing a horse behavior presentation for an equine class i'm in but i was wondering if horses had exactly the same emotions that we humans do humans send parentheses as if like you didn't fucking know as we humans do i went on a website that told me the types of behavior that horses have buckle your asses in can i make one quick point

before you tell me the behavior that things that horses have i want to see if you do get something valuable from this before your presentation i definitely definitely can't wait to see this line on the bibliography i cannot wait to see how you cite the information you received from yahoo answers acceptance that's fair if you're professionally being ridden right well you need that for not ideal but i don't have a principle problem so i love oats and apples so what can i do um affection sure sure this is my favorite anger one and anger two anger one is like a quiet reserved anger and anger two is like an explosion of biting yeah it's

just spurs that's the only thing that the if they see spurs like oh no i am angry one breaking out the dose today annoyance it doesn't apathy well fine i accepted too much oats i guess another ride uh yeah sure perfect whatever jumps tricks it's all the same beautifully sorry for nature like an earthbound dragon sure why not anxiety what if i run out of oats it can happen boredom well what okay i can't blame them too much for that right it's like they can't even watch game of thrones like what like they don't get a video go turn the tv towards the window please

right towards the window i got a big day today i'm either gonna stand in grass or run in a loop i can't wait to see what fate has in store um well i mean that's okay tame horses yes i could see them falling prey to boredom wild horses are you fucking kidding me are you fucking kidding me boredom for a wild horse it can't happen wild horses aren't familiar with this emotion because they can just go jump over a brook they've never jumped over before i uh i have to imagine that for a wild horse it's mainly about anxiety because they're very fast and i can see a situation where you're in a conversation deep with another horse friend and then all of a sudden you look at me you think hey uh rodrigo did you have you seen any grass for

a while and then already was like oh my god you're right there's no grass and they're in the middle of a parking lot they're in a parking lot like oh great this is gonna be on the news was no one paying attention who was following who i'm feeling annoyance right now which could be upgraded to anger one if something doesn't change if you keep running your fucking mouth rodrigo it's going to get upgraded to anger too and you don't want to see that so maybe just relax let me figure this out compassion no it's got a fat rider it's too bad let's see lucy lucy's got a fat rider i know uh poor thing if you are being that is main this is mainly bred to be ridden and you can still work up compassion for anything else like god bless you that is that is a beautiful beautiful

reserve of good will they feel bad for the burrows sure sure they do for the burrows yeah no roll the r's because it's not thank you um i don't know what animal you're talking about if you don't roll the r uh contentment very few horses i imagine feel this or definitely feel or or appreciates the fact that he has reached the physical fucking apex of possibly any creature on the planet he's just anxiety right and you got it and even if you win the kentucky derby it's like well am i gonna get the triple crown that's what everybody starts asking that's a lot of pressure right am i gonna be able to fucking keep up this perfect body until the preakness they're gonna shower me in oats after this fucking thing i'm gonna put my perform my stud duties right oh man right sure um

curiosity doubtful based on what why is that doubtful like what are they curious about they have everything they need and i wonder what driving a car is like right if they are curious about it i refuse to live if they're curious about anything like they're not they're certainly not acting on because they seem to be kind of in a rut as a species yeah nobody's ever said curiosity killed the horse because a horse will see a horse will see like a fucking helicopter could land next to a horse and a horse would be like that's not an apple is that an apple when you're check for come check for a stem nope no stem no thanks come back when you're hay fear sure yeah yeah daily if there's a bolt if there's a bull snake around yeah those things

terrified loneliness not if i have anything to say about it um physical suffering yes sure yeah absolutely they are they are their entire being is suspended in a state of constant suffering so yes they're thinking about how sad when horses get the spurs and then they run faster they're trying to run away from a danger that is that is like physically attached to them right that's the saddest thing in the world um which most humans have but do horses have any emotions that humans don't have or that humans can't relate to thanks pro ladder yes what prancing prancing is like yeah i've never felt prancing i don't think that's beyond human it's beyond you yes just because of like your physique no offense wouldn't you think though that if the horses did

have an emotion that we don't have in humankind then we probably don't have a human word for it right right it's sort of like uh it's kind of like the the flavor umami sure it is it's it's an indescribable thing it's like if if there were any new colors that we didn't know we would we would know about it you know i mean take a chance you know i i lose stuff a lot because i have a tendency to like out of the mind only sit stuff down and then just keep going and it's like i i know that i've sat my keys down at some point but i can't picture where and what i do and i it's not exactly like a very proud moment but i'll just loudly announce like i'm setting my keys on the dresser and make it active it's it's pretty dorky but it works and i don't lose shit anymore do you ever

i you ever sing a little song dresser keys dresser keys will you be there when i need putting my wallet on the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom gotta do it gotta do it whatever if there's pee on the floor it's okay if it gets on my pants i'm just wearing these for one day but who am i mr buy a new wallet every week when i get pee on it guy no toilet paper wallet you're my best friend and i love you you know people say we're no yankovik has lost his step i think his tunes are as fresh as they were in the 80s take a chance um can a 27 year old sign up for high school again i want to see if i can go back to high school i have a car and bigger muscles now so i think i'll be more popular the second time around and i've i've always wanted to be prom king

so what do i need to go back to high school oh god bus marketing for 21 jump street i'm getting i'm getting my masters in high school i'm getting my my post grad in high school what you need is a is a teaching certificate and then you can go back as a teacher i guess that's true yeah that's the only way you can go like that and then beat up all the people who are mean to you i guess there's no loophole where you can like i recognize now at the age of 26 when i finished unless i go back for some some masters program which doesn't seem likely like i've done all the school i'm going to do and it's only now that i realize like man i actually like learning like fuck i wish i'd paid attention to like anything yeah i feel that

way too now i'm now that i'm older i'm like reading books to teach myself i'm like trying to teach myself like complex subjects that are impossible to teach yourself and i'm like man if only i'd fucking like done anything like any amount of work instead of just like the requisite shit to get by i think college should be something you get to do in installments because that way you really appreciate it because as you get older you you want to learn i like learning now back then i hated waking up more i think that after like when you complete your sophomore year someone should sit you down i'm like are you appreciating this they're like yeah i'm not i'm probably not i'm like okay great cool cool cool just go off for a while and uh when you do appreciate this we'll

welcome you welcome you back but that's but trap you can't put that gene like that if there's a definition of what adulthood is it's realizing that you didn't appreciate stuff enough yeah because that's that because if you can figure out how to turn back time and do that easy stuff again because like let's be honest going to college for all its ups and downs is a lot easier than having a job yeah so what if okay what if we start giving jobs to 12 year olds and then you work from 12 to 21 and then you get to go back to school what if but the only jobs we give them are college professors now here we are uh don't do this don't go to a high school like you are as you are now as a man you won't you won't be allowed in they won't let you in

like you are now you're old and they'll know they'll know that you that you don't want to do great things there so don't even i wouldn't even try it probably seems like a good idea in the brain but i'm pretty sure hindsight's gonna be 2020 on this particular thing that you want to do that's terrible especially when you're on 2020 and they're like what are you thinking and you're like you know in hindsight this grown man tried to wear a justin b british shirt and go back to high school what would you do what would you but fucking what if he went four years and he made to senior prom and he was in the running and then like two days before like i don't know some some kid lost his legs that it was also in the running lost his legs in some

sort of industrial accident and this guy's like fuck like i spent four years for this day and this is no one worse day of my life and this little kid's gonna fucking swoop in at the last second he probably won't be swooping like some sort of legless tarzan son of a bitch on the plus side gotta do it again gotta do it again start all over in a different town on the plus side i'm sick at times tables and my cursive is off the chart it's fucking insane take a chance how can i legally change my dog's name his name is larry i want to change it to larry's fiesta party on the house i'm sorry i'm gonna open up a food truck inside my dog or additional details or hot dog party days it's a really good name for a dog why do people keep sticking with one

word name for dogs what this person doesn't say is that this is the dog's request hey larry feels so unsophisticated so unironic um i don't know what channels you need to go through but suggestions it's why we don't teach dogs english because they ask for stupid things like this here's what i'm this is why i brought this question up is because it brings up a good point i'm learning all about sort of the life of dogs um we already discussed my revelation about dog periods like dogs go through a lot of the same shit that we go through but at the same time if i take my dog neigh larry right previously his previous given name was larry and i've decided to change it to larry's fiesta party on the house the puppy formerly known as larry

right and i take i take lfph to the vet and they're like larry and i say no it's larry's fiesta party on the house they're not going to be like uh says here on his documentation it's larry right or do i need to like go to the fucking courthouse get a new social security card for my god damn dog i thought it was just like my property like if i call my table jerry then i can change it to jerry's fiesta party on the house my tape i'm gonna throw this out there actually is a circumstance in which you would have to go through some channels to change your dog's name what the fuck if it is akc registered if it is registered with the american kennel club as a purebred dog then you have to if it's a competition dog is that what you're saying our dog nessie nessie was uh registered

with the akc as nessie bel mackerel right we would have had to contact them to change your name this makes me angry i think back to the pioneer days horses didn't have no documentation you know what i mean what about when the all dogs go to heaven don't you want st pete to have what if he doesn't have them then they go to hell i don't have a very fiesta party on the house larry can i break down actually larry's fiesta party on the house is on the house is a parenthetical i mean you could just do it i mean fiesta party is obviously problematic because you're really just saying larry party party this is my dog lorence party party larry's fiesta party casual get together the dog the movie did you see that movie

christ um it asks or hot dog party days i think we're larry's fiesta parties i think we're pretty i have my heart in case the first name's already taken what the heck actually we actually already have larry's fiesta party we have a champion bass at home named larry's fiesta party on the house this fucking the fucking commentators at the kennel club show the the annual kennel club show like ladies and gentlemen i know this is going to get confusing but here comes the second larry's fiesta party on the house another pure bread bass at home we have a it's a battle of the larry's fiesta party on the house we knew it wait somehow we all knew it would come down to this

a hush falls over the crown it all comes down to the heat of the genitals they they bend defecate at the same time it is perfect we may have a multiverse situation we may have a multiverse bleed it's made eye contact from across the river trafic you know about dogs and shit is a perfect defecation a category in the westminster kennel club only as a tiebreaker i've been researching uh extensively to try to find um some information about making swords and i found this page from anvilfire.com and they have sword myths slash fiction so let me hit you guys with some sword myths yeah what have i been getting wrong about swords this whole time is it actual slash fiction because it's really

appropriate with swords swords myths and sword fiction the buster sword from final fantasy seven and a samurai sword they met one day he said you looking really good buster sword and then they clanked they clanked and clanked i'm gonna clank i'm gonna clank all over your sheath so blood does not make a superior quenchant this is an old myth uh-huh neither virgins or slaves have been used to test swords that is a children's story what children's story get around get around help me test the blades how many y'all fucked none of y'all let me tell you you'd be good sword fodder you cannot chop a machine gun barrel in two with a japanese sword modern myth no i saw that on myth busters myth busted ancient steels were not superior to modern

alloy steels yeah another modern myth it's because our steels are like genetically like superior in every way they've been modified and enhanced and chopped and screwed here's where things go weirdly askew atlantis was not in the atlantic the story of atlantis was based on rumors of the demise of minnewan island culture in the mediterranean by volcanic eruption the story was handed down by egyptians to play dough who turned the little truth into a myth listen ammo fire i'm not going to tell you your uh straying from the path of sword myths but um adam and throw the word throw the word sword in there somewhere yeah they sometimes had swords somebody in there adamantium is a fictional comic book element without any basis in reality like kryptonite it's just another unobtainium

jfk was not actually assassinated by a sword like yeah dog like i know i know that swords are not good food yeah okay thank you okay clouds are not made of small white swords like thanks website myth roll jr our token is another myth equal metal the myth is all caps thank you last one you cannot and this is the one that i find very confusing on several levels you cannot cold forge a sword from a leaf spring modern web myth slash parody what was the most hilarious parody on the web is the guy who called for just a sword in a leaf spring everyone gets a real i think that's i think that's a weird al yankovic jam does it say anything on there just about whether or not steak knives or just little swords aren't cocktail swords real swords true or false i feel

like we all learned a lot about swords today sword wisdom sword was not a blade metal it is on intrinsically sharp or hard as recent tv commercial for razor blades indicates this more hollywood hype and bad science written by advertising executives that know nothing about an allergy big corpo selling out well what are you gonna tell me next that adamantium is real uh here we go last question this one is said by charles decker thank you charles decker it's by yahoo answers user ive who asks is mr pringle still alive why does my son make laser gun noises in the bathroom my name is just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy who's been my brother my brother made kiss your dad go where on the lips okay that was the show

hope you had some fun talked for an hour and now our job is done go back into the world face the day ahead please don't tell our grandparents all the cuss words we said maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported