My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 56: Wet Hugs

Episode Date: May 23, 2011

After recording in the comfort, safety and familiarity of our daddy's house, we've returned once again to our respective Midwestern and Appalachian home bases. It's sort of like that song "Country Roads, Take Me Home," only ... um, in reverse. Suggested talking points: Kirk Cameron: Envoy to the Stars, GORP, Never Been Embraced, Candybeer, Crushed by a Yeti, Futureballs, Blanketarian, Where's Falcone

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to the first, my brother, my brother and me, direct from heaven, the holy of holies. Post Rapture got swept away. If you didn't get left behind, you got swept away. Now we're here. We're up here. We did it. It's super nice. Nobody has belly buttons, which is kind of weird. That was a surprise. They show to catch a predator reruns all day,

that shows pretty much always great. There is one downside. Griffin got left behind. Griffin did get left behind. What we have done is made a deal with the devil that once a week, we can go back to earth to record an advice show for the modern era. Not this week. This week, Jesus let Griffin come up to see what he's missing. You guys, seriously, me and Kurt Cameron are tight, tight bros now. Wait, did he get left behind? He did as sort of an envoy to the stars. His new role is Kurt Cameron envoy to the stars. It's just me and him just fucking rapping about bananas and how good they are. Wait, is Kurt Cameron into bananas?

He's like super, have you never seen that clip, that YouTube clip? No. He's like, he talks about bananas and he's like, bananas prove that God exists, because they're just so perfect. These bananas could not possibly be some sort of cosmic accident. I get it, Kurt. They're delicious and they fit right in your hand and they have a natural shell and they have potassium and shit. Yeah, definitely. Good delish. So yeah, it's just me and Kurt now. Wait, so everyone got swept up except you and Kurt Cameron? Yeah, we are the only two people left on earth. Whoa, is that weird? Is that awkward for you? It was, I'll be honest, it was weird at first and I'll be even more honest, it's still really weird.

Still pretty weird, right? It's still like pretty weird all the time. So I miss you guys. I miss everyone who was in Kurt Cameron at this point. Oh wow, so like a lot, there's a lot of people you miss. Is that weird to tell him that? Fucking non-stop bananas, like dude, I get it. Talk about something else. You were on growing pains, right? Let's wrap about growing pains, please. Anything but these bananas. What was it like? Literally anything else. The video game Horde, was that fun? Just tell me anything, Kirk. So if Griffin had a question about how to best handle Kurt Cameron, he could turn to my brother, my brother, me. It's an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McRoy, heaven. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McRoy.

I am your youngest, uh, heathenest brother, I guess, Griffin? Yeah, evilest. Heathenest. Well, let's be honest, Jewish-ist. Of the three of us, I think that, no, that's fair. Yeah, you're the most Jewish, I think. Which again, another huge point of contention between me and Kirk. Loves bananas, not quite as big a fan of the chosen people. Kirk loves bananas, and Griffin loves Elaine Boosler. I think she's just a hoot. Let's get right into the questions. My six-month anniversary is coming up, and I don't know what I should do. I've been told everything from just dinner to a movie to flowers to jewelry. What? What do you

guys think is the appropriate thing to do for a six-month anniversary? I am 22. My girlfriend is 21. Our anniversary is on Monday, the 23rd, but I'll listen to your show in the morning and won't be seeing her until the evening. So I will be able to act on your wisdom before I see her. That's from Joe. Joe, do you want to clarify real quick? We do not advise you take any of the advice we give you. There's a lot of pressure on me now. Do you skip the first 45 seconds of the show? Like, how do you not know? Don't do our shit. Our shit is bad. Don't do the shit. The shit is bad. Now, what I'm about to say is going to sound like one of those like, wow, Travis just said really bad advice. Wow, and Travis has to preface his bad advice.

You know it's about to get dirty. I'm almost starting at a six-month anniversary. What you have to do is say, oh, hey, happy anniversary. It's been six months, I guess. I go, you know, I'm going to go with Travis on this one. You do not want to set. If anything, the six-month anniversary is the appropriate time for an expectations low ring game. You do not want to start pushing the bar up. Is that just so you can flip it at the one year when it really counts? Do a dynamite job at the year. It's about six months. No. Just figure out right now what you are going to get her at one year and then cut that thing in half and give one. Right, with this samurai sword. Like, uh-huh. Well, cut like, baby, I got

you this sweet diamond brooch. Just kidding, I got you half of a sweet diamond brooch because this doesn't matter what we're doing. Or it will in six months. And I do want to thank you for my gift crumbed lawn, a broadsword that cuts diamonds. That was very thoughtful of you. You got me to give me crumbed lawn. You got me the blessed sky blade and I used it and I cut, this is, this is Rufus. He is your dog, but this is half of him. You'll get the other half in exactly six months. If when in doubt, ask your partner. Ask like, hey, so we're going to do something for the six-month anniversary. What would you like to do? Yeah, get that dialogue going now. I want to treat you right. How do you want me to treat you? Tell me what you need. She can come back

and be like, I want to do something special or more than likely she's going to come back and say, I don't really care. I hear Burger King has a new sandwich. Let's check it out. Honestly, man, six months, the victory is going to be that you remembered. Yeah. A card? A card, yeah. Like, just get her a card. I remembered this. You impressed? The odds were against me recalling this, but I did. I triumph over the odds. People who listen to this show regularly know that we have, we do have a romantic streak, but this is the sort of empty sentimentality that I don't think serves anybody any good. It only is like a stressor for you and it's false importance. And just to break it down and take it a little bit further, anniversary,

like the word means the celebration of a year gone past. Anna is a year. So to say a six month anniversary. What is an anniversary? Aversary from the old tongue. It's a pagan ritual. We fucking did it. It means we fucking did it in the old tongue. Like a couple of sports players high five in the changing room. Give your girlfriend a nice pat on the bottom and say, good game. They said it couldn't be done. That's a good tone to set for the day, actually. They said it couldn't be done. Maybe you should finally tell her that you love her, Joe. You've been holding on to that card for a while. Joe, play that card. She's ready. Hey, get this next question. This is weird. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost six months and we're

gonna live together. I know. It's a crossover. It's a crossover event. I have, it sweeps, so we gotta go big. I have way more vacation time from work than he does and that sucks, but I want to be able, did you like the, how emphatic I'm reading questions? Yeah, you really got in there. I'm really bringing it and I want to be able to have fun with my time off even if he can't be with me. I love to go backpacking and I'm in a backpacking group. That's not exist. Refuse to believe that exists. That plans on five or six trips a year. There's an awesome one planned for the other month, but my boyfriend said he can't get the time off from work. He is self-described as very jealous and he doesn't like any of the men he knows who are

going on this trip. I want to go. He doesn't want to go and we've been fighting about it every day for too long. If you brothers tell me I'm wrong, I am ready to give in. Help please. Controversial in California. Oh, God, this is a fucking sticky one. Listen, it is a, that is exactly right because things are going to get sticky on that backpack. We know what happens on backpacking trips. What do you have in that backpack? Fucking whipped cream, fucking those like the balls that you put in your butt to make the sex feel better. We know what is your backpack say lube bag on it. We know what you're doing in those deep, dark, stinky woods. We know what you're getting up to. Like don't play us and don't play your boyfriend on these backpacking trips. When you want to

keep bugs away, you spray on this way because that's how that's how on it is. That's how deeply, deeply on backpacking trips go. It gets sticky in there. It gets so sticky that that deep has pheromones in it that just drives fellas wild. Hey, hey, Philip, do you need me to help you put your tent up? Bad news, Shelly. I already popped a tent. Check it down there. I mean my dick. That's what you did to me with your curves and your burkeys and your Birkin socks and your sweet khaki shorts. Let me get some of that GORP. I got to carve up before I love you. Jealousy is a bad vibe, especially for somebody you've been with for six months. Six months is a really important amount of time. Take it from us.

I think that that is, this is like one of those, we've been together six months. He's got this big problem. How do I step around it? I honestly think that whether this is your battleground or not, you've got to get past that jealousy thing. Yeah, because the root of jealousy is always trust. And guys will always say, people will always say, it's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust everyone else. It's like, well, you should probably still trust me. And the root of a tree is a root. And you got to get up in nature while it's still here. How much longer do we have all these trees? Oh, you're saying, I read a science book the other day and it was like, guys, we got like maybe another five or six years with these trees and then

they're all gone. And then they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. Just the whole planet, just one big parking lot. And then who's gonna feel fucking silly? Then you have to go backpacking through the tree museum. And then it's like, get those people out of here. You're going to have these giant natural sex orgies and you won't have the shade provided by Mother Nature. And everyone's going to get burns on their privates. Everyone's going to get private burns. So just do it while you still can. God, you're so young. You're so young. Just go love the world. Just get out there and love Phillip, the guy you're backpacking with. Have fun, eat some gorp, maybe have a little sex. Watch out for mosquitoes. And don't tell him about what happens. Don't you ever tell him?

Just to relieve your guilt. That he'll never get over that. Griffin, three barn owls watched me have sex in a tree. It was the most spiritual erotic experience in my life. Do you want a yahu? Is that what you're saying my name for? Who is boning so good down there? Hey, how about this yahu? I'm going to go snatch a field mouse out of that man's. Why is that man having a field mouse down there? This is weird. I'm going to turn that into a bolus. Why is there a condom in this pellet? Hey, science, get over here and look at this pellet. This yahu was sent in by Curly Head Poet. Thank you, Curly Head Poet. It's by Yahu answers user Kevin B. And it's the saddest thing I've ever read. Okay. Kevin B asks,

what do hugs feel like? I see people hug in school all the time. What's it like? I've never hugged. I've never hugged or been hugged by anyone. Can you please describe it in detail? Oh, God, no. Oh, Jesus. I'm going to cry. I know. Oh, it got real. It got so real in here. Give me the guy's name again. Kevin B. Kevin B. Kev. I mean, let's break it down. You're not that great, Kev. Yeah, hugs are gross. I wish I had never had a hug on me from a parent or family or a loved one. This feels like the beginning of a Pixar movie where Kevin B now goes off and events a robot to hug him. I just can't. How do you go your whole life avoiding? I hug people. I work from home and rarely leave my home and I still hug 10 to 12 people every day. Yeah. You know what, Kevin,

you got to get out there and start hugging strangers. Is it possible he's like a human porcupine? Oh, you think he's got porcupitis? Yeah. You guys remember that Dave Matthews banned video every day where you just like go, the guy wakes up and he just walks around the street hugging people and it's like, he just goes around hugging people. You know that music, the music video I'm talking about. Yeah. Is that who that is? Uh-huh. All right. Wow, Travis, you're like a fucking DMB scholar over there. Yeah. That's what you got to do. You got to go get your hands dirty and by hands, I mean arms because hugging is a dirty thing. You know how Dave Matthews banned is weird because pretty much every band

that people like to brag that they were into them before something. I think with Dave Matthews banned, the more impressive thing is to be a fan after. Yeah. I'm still into them. After Violin Guy died, I was still there. I was into Dave Matthews banned far, far, far after it was fashionable. Even after he just became Dave Matthews and then realized he still needed his banned. I'm still there. Still there for him. Still with him. A lot of people heard American Baby and were like, oh, this is the worst goddamn song ever crafted by man. I can never listen to this band again. A lot of people quit ban. Crank it up. It was like a Dave Matthews Rapture. Yeah. And I was left behind. Hugs feel like you're wearing another person.

Is that a person jacket? It's like you're wearing another man or woman as a jacket or coat or scarf. And they protect you. A lot of people say sex is like the closest the two people can be to each other. I disagree because I think sex is like a wet hug. Sex is like a wet hug. Go on. You've got me so far. Sex is like a wet hug that you can only do with like one or two people once you marry them. A hug. A dry hug, if you will, which is the parlance I'm going to use for the rest of my life. A dry hug. That was a good dry hug we just had. That was a good dry hug. Could have been moisture, but we're not at that level yet. I think a dry hug is the second closest you can be to a person, I think. But you can do it to more people and you won't get

any STDs unless, can you? From a hug? Yeah. An HDD. A really good dry hug. I don't know if you're at a Dave Matthews band concert. Absolutely. Certainly. Certainly. Certainly. You're not coming out of that dog pile without a few fleas. A few sex fleas. If you know what I mean, I think you do. As a home brewer, a few times every year, I host a beer party to share my works with about 10 to 15 friends. I decided trying this with an MB&BA and listening party could be fun. I would be compelled, however, to make a brother's macaroy ale, which brings me to my question. What should be in the MB&BA? What should it be called? Brian. I think MB&BA. MB&BA is pretty good. My brusky, my brusky and me. What about sex gas? It gives you the energy that you need to make sex.

Sex fuel. That seems, I would never say that about beer. I've never, I can't think of a single beer I've ever drank where I felt more virile after considering the beverage. I would like if it had notes of coriander and blueberries. Fennel seeds just floating in there. I don't want the flavor of fennel seeds. I want whole fennel seeds. You know what, let's just say, think of all the flavors and notes and hints you could get into a beer and just put them all in there and call it my brother, my brother and me flavor explosion. It would be disgusting, like hands down. What do I like? I like beer, crisp pale ale. I also like candy. So what if we threw some skittles and starbursts into a pale ale and we called it my brother, my brother and me

candy beer. Candy beer. Candy beer for kids. For the rest of us. Diabetes. I've always thought of pale ale to be like a medium through which candy can be delivered. I've just never had the, I don't know, courage, I guess, to mix those two worlds together. Hey Brian, this is pretty good beer, this sex fuel that you've made, this ambient sex fuel. Why is there a whole worthers original in the bottom of this? How do you do that? I'm trying to get drunk, but this beer is just full of gummy worms and I don't know how to deal with that. Brian, this is delicious. Are these sugar babies? Because I didn't even know they made these anymore. Why did you find sugar babies, Brian? This beer kind of tastes like necko wafers and I'm upset about it. Who can I talk to? But I'm

getting drunker. I am drunk. Is this bubble tape? The whole beer is wrapped in bubble tape. That sounds delicious. There's a lot of possibilities here. A lot of spaces we could explore. It doesn't even have to be the same candy in each beer. Like one could, like you could buy a six pack and in that six pack, oh this one's got dots and this one's got a bit of honey and this one has an entire Snickers bar. How did they get that Snickers bar in there? This is incredible. They must have brewed it in there like the mouse in the Coke bottle. So Brian, I look forward to drinking your beer. Travis made beer one time. Do you remember that? Yes. How would you rate the flavor factor of the beer that you made? I thought it was just fine. Okay. Did it do the job? It did. I would say that's

a satisfying drunk, the drunk that you made yourself. It's like a little red hen though because no one would help me brew the beer but then everyone wanted to help me drink the beer. That's not true at all. Except no one wanted to drink the beer. Yeah. This is like the little dead hen. My BF broke up with me six months ago and I was devastated. He moved home. We only talk about once a month now. He constantly texts me saying I miss you or I've been thinking about you a lot or I am still very much in love with you. Oh no, no. She's still very much in love with him is confused by the mixed signals. What's the deal? Confused in love. The most bullshit. He's such a cocksucker. I fucking hate this dude instantly. What a bitch. Fuck that guy.

Hey, try this one on for size. Next time he texts you with any of that garbage or anything at all, I don't care if it's like a mass happy birthday, like happy birthday Jesus, Christmas text. Tell him to go fuck himself. Yeah. Go write and fuck himself. Trust me on this one. Burn this fucking bridge. This cocksucker moved on, said I'm going to find a BBD that of course stands for as developed by Richard Ginney in the hit film The Mass, The Bigger Better Deal. He went on for the BBD and he got some other something that he liked better, something new, a girl he met at a Matthews Band concert. Hey, before these crowded streets, I want to have sex with you behind the door to John. And then he moved on. It's hard for you to move on.

Tell him to go next time he texts you. Just write away text back. Go suck a dick. What he's doing he's either a string you along so that when he comes to visit, he's going to try to sleep with you. No strings attached. Be like that movie. No strings attached. Exactly like the movie. On direct TV now. Or he's going to he's using you as an outlet for like he's kind of lonely sitting at home and he wants to flirt with somebody and he thinks you're low hanging fruit. And you need to tell him to fuck right off. You are the highest hanging fruit. You are perched atop the tree like a Christmas star. You are not in love with him. You may think you are, you're not, because he's an asshole. You need to listen. He may be just not that into you,

as they say. Available on direct TV. Available on direct TV now. But you need to get you need to get out of this of this sort of this tete-a-tete. You need to stop being into him at all. You need not to be, whatever the opposite of into somebody is, you need to be that. Do you want me to fight him? Griffin will fight him for your love is what we're saying to you. It would mean more to me. That's for god damn sure. I need it. I'll fight for it. Griffin needs to fight somebody for something. God damn it. How about a yahoo answer? Yeah. How about this? This one is sent in by golly a olly. Thank you golly a olly. It's by yahoo answers user yeti education committee. Do you want to go ahead and imagine what the tone of this question is

going to be? Somebody finally stepped up and started educating these yetis. You dumb fucks. Yahoo answers user yeti education committee asks, do you think it is possible for yeti to accept jesus christ as their savior or does god not want yeti in heaven? Assume the yeti speaks english the language of jesus. Fuck. Okay. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This question supposes so many things. First of all, do people who not speak english are they just automatically they just don't get to go to heaven? Uh-huh. Okay. That shouldn't be my main problem with this question but nope. This is the first thing that sprung to mind. Yetis have souls I think but they're like pet souls. Every rock and tree

and creature has a soul. Rocks I'm going to quibble with you on and probably trees. All right. Well trees grow. Rocks. What kind of trees? Don't. Not fir trees. No. Fuck fir trees. Deciduous trees. Deciduous trees have souls. Caniferous? No. No. Are you saying you don't want trees in heaven? That's what this has to boil down to. I don't want deciduous trees in heaven. God may or may not want yeti in heaven. I certainly don't. What if like maybe he lets him in heaven. Maybe he doesn't but he starts spreading a rumor that there's some yetis up there. Wouldn't that be a bummer if you got to heaven and again the existence of the yeti was not confirmed? It was rumored like can you leave giant paw prints in clouds? All right. If my choices are to be ever

tortured by the possibility of sesquatches or to be literally tortured by having my arms torn off by sesquatches which is their favorite activity, I would go with the former every time because I love my arms. I hug with them. If you're Kevin's friend of course that wouldn't matter. Wouldn't be quite so big of a deal but I'm not acquainted with Kevin. I like my hugs. The sesquatch that is a mythical creature which means that he comes down from heaven whenever he's on earth. Like if you see him on earth that means he's vacationing basically from heaven. The yeti is an angel? Yeah. He's down there spreading the word of God in English, Jesus's language, to the penguins. Do you guys know my favorite episode of Touched by an Angel? It's the one where the yeti came down

and fucking hung out with that Scottish chick. Touched by a yeti. I like the little Roman downy ripped that dude's arms off. I'm a yeti. Sent by... Give me that arm. Arms rich off by an angel. I think the big surprise for this guy is going to be when he gets to heaven and Jesus is a yeti. This whole time. I know you guys were like... You speak Arabic. You guys were arguing like is he white? Is he Arabic? What's this? No, you missed it. Not even human. I'm a yeti. Yeti. Guess what? The big man, big God, he's the yeti too. I'm cutting his image. Pretty much everybody. Loki, he was a yeti. He's up here making tricks and jokes. Thor is half yeti. Thor is half yeti. Jim Morrison was a yeti this whole time. He's a yeti. Jim Morrison won't be

in heaven. Don't be ridiculous. Jim Belushi, complete yeti. Shaved yeti. Getty Lee, his actual name is Yeti Lee. He's not dead yet, but he is a yeti. Yeah, that's where he gets all his base groups from. From his yeti powers. Buti Collins, most bases and bands are yetis. Most people, you see on the streets are yetis. I would say. Guys, I have something to tell you. Yeah, tell me. My yeti. That's why I didn't get into heaven because I'm already a resident. We've been saving it for the season finale and this is the twist. Shocking reveal of my true nature. I've got yeti DNA and yeti skin and fur and teeth and stuff. That person you had at the live show didn't look like a yeti. It's because it wasn't me.

What? Is it an actor? It was my familiar. Every yeti gets a familiar. And one human familiar. So that was mine. His name is Mike. He's pretty cool, I guess. Yeah, that's just something I hope that you will still let me do the show. Honestly, I don't know that I'm comfortable. I think we need it. After the summer, we'll leave this as like a cliffhanger. So to recap, Griffin told us a yeti and we may not let him stay on the show and Bernard, our lovable lab tech was shot in a hold up and he's in the alley. We don't know if he's going to live or die. He has no arms, but I have nothing to do with that. Stop trying to pin this on me. Especially you without arms. That's possible.

Could be in so yeti-est. Yeti-fobe. Yeti-fobe. Griffin, I, all this talk of yeti's has watered my mouth for money. Yeah, me too. I'll take some cash for you. That's a happy trip to the money zone this week. First off is our buddy, Michael McLaughlin, who wants to congratulate his friends, Ginny and Zach, on their recent wedding. Travis, tell me about Zach and Ginny Murphy. Well, they've been together for six years, beginning in their sophomore year in high school. Wow, high school sweethearts. Love it. They said it wouldn't last and look at him killing it. They have a beautiful child named Kennedy. Have they been together for six years or have they been together for 12 six-month periods?

It's something to think about. Ginny is a big fan of podcasts, especially our podcast. Zach, not a fan. He's not enjoying our show. Doors that way. Hey, Zach, don't let it hit you where Yeti God split you. He will tear you in half. By that, I do mean tear your arms off, yes. So, we got some good vibes going on to you guys from Mike, Kourtney and Kyle. That's Kourtney with a K in case you know Kourtney with a C. And Kyle with a C. And Ginny with an I. Mike with an R. Zach with a T. They wish them all the best and many happy years. Can we make that less... Can we just clear that out like exactly how many years? For $100, they get 20 happy years. Whoa. If he had... That's a minute.

If he had paid a little bit more, we can guarantee you up to 25, 26 to 27 years tops. Enjoyed the next two decades because it's all downhill after that. Well, no, then they can re-up and pay another $100 for another 20 years. I can't guarantee the same rates, but yeah, they can re-upload it. Oh, no, by that point. With inflation and whatnot, it will be like a thousand Mars dollars. And the popularization of space credits, sure. Yeah. Also, another one, Ryan Math wants to congratulate his girlfriend Kat Croslin

on getting admitted to the NYU Nursing Program. Nice. Congrats. Way to go, Kat. She's currently living like a bum without a job in Brooklyn. I say like a boss without a job in Brooklyn. Till she starts nursing school in September while the rest of us slave away in the heat. So, Kat, that's exciting. We're proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you, too.

I'm not proud that you don't have a job. What's up with that? Just because you're in school, you think you're too good for employment? I will emphatically say that I do not respect your choice to not be employed, but sounds like Ryan's able to pay to have us take congratulations. So, he's obviously rolling in it. Can I suggest as a job freelance nursing? That's illegal, I'm pretty sure. Oh, so like he gets, she gets like an early start before she knows anything.

Yeah. So, she just starts rolling around and like she sees someone fall down, she slips a bandage on him, she's like, that'll be 10 bucks. Well, listen, from what I know about nursing, it's a lot of disimpacting bowels, which I'm not sure you want to do to a stranger. There's a lot of touching dick, like shaving dick, like a lot of shaving dicks. Like Kat, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but this is a life that you have subscribed to. And maybe you don't want to do that to strangers on the street. I'll shave a stranger's balls.

Maybe she could have me come in as a sub. As a substitute. Like tag team those balls. Now, Justin, were you going to finish that sentence with for money? Are you just saying like in general, you're out there? Yeah, that's what I, that's what I meant for money. Sure for money. I wouldn't, I wouldn't shave a man's scrotum for free.

Unless it depends on the man, right? Like, what if it's George Lucas? I wouldn't mind hanging out with him for like a minute or however long. Well, depends on what the minute is. Like for that minute, I think I would mind it pretty bad. You can't think of it like a person you want to hang out with so much that like you wouldn't want to hang out with Elvis Costello so much that you wouldn't mind that during that minute you'd be shaving his balls.

There's not a human being on this, on God's green earth. On all of history. On all of history? There's not a single person in history whose balls I would shave to hang out with. Thomas Jefferson. You wouldn't shave his balls that you can hang out with the father of America. No. George Washington.

He had slave wise for that. Amadeus. Amadeus, I, he was hairless. Nikolai Tesla. Tesla fried all his balls like hair off in a failed experiment and he looked like David Bowie. I, I'm going to reject the question. David Bowie.

David Bowie cosplaying as Nikola Tesla maybe in, in the hit film The Prestige. Prestigianist. That's all like, those are the best people that I just named that ever. Have ever happened to us. Yeah. So why don't you give me a quick list there? Weird, weirdy. Your future child all grown up.

Think about, think about that. You're saying, you're saying to get to see him, this future theoretical baby. As an, as an older adult. He's an adult. He's all grown up. Like see, okay. If I could see all, if I could see all of my ancestors, like through history, like the ones that will come after me.

If I could see you down that particular future well, like seven, eight, nine, 10 generations down, I would shave each of their balls to get to meet them. Because I think that would be pretty spectacular. I found it. I knew I could find it if I went long enough. You could get a sports almanac from one of them. Maybe like, what's the secret to your success?

And it's like, oh, I shaved my grandson's balls. I shaved my great, great, great grandson's balls. So congratulations, Kat. Oh, this is going to be a fun jingle. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, I almost moved on without, without the jingle that they paid for. Oh Christ. I forgot that we do these because I haven't done it in a while.

Nope. Nope. Something old and something new and something borrowed, something blue and something shaved and shorn and shiny. Yeah, the first thing is about Zach and Ginny. They got married yesterday. And the other thing is about Justin and Kat Crosland. They formed a crime fighting team shaving grandson balls.

They are the worst crime fighters that I've ever seen. They don't fight crime. They fight hair on balls. Happy wedding. I ended that one on a minor chord to show how very displeased I was with that jingle. That was the worst jingle I've done so far. And I'm sorry that you paid for it. It's beach shaving your great, great, great nephew's balls.

That's for sure. I think it's time for Yahoo! Yeah, I think so too. Okay. This one was sent in by question mark. Thank you, question mark. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Bill Steven who asks,

How can I touch my girlfriend in class? Me and my girlfriend want to touch each other. Just squeeze her ass or squeeze her boobs. But we can't hang out after school because she's grounded. We only have one class together and we sit in the back. And I need to know how I can do that kind of stuff without anyone like other kids or the teacher seeing us. Help please.

What? So like they're like, Hey Jennifer, can I come by after school and maybe just squeeze your boobs? Oh, Alyssa. They're like your ass or something. Alyssa, I'm going to squeeze your boobs all night long. Hey, this is a text from me. I just wanted you to start thinking about how I'm going to squeeze your boobs tonight. You're squeezing them.

There is nothing more romantic than just like a vicious unending groping of someone's bottom and or breasts. I can, I will latch onto that boob, that left boob, and I will just hang on it all night like a three-toed slaw. It's going to feel so great. I hope you don't have to run to the convenience store for anything last minute because once Griffin's on there, he is. Are we done?

Cut it off. Are we? Are we? Because I'm latched. You are done moving. I bought these special gloves. It's like putting on sweatpants. Once you're in, you're in for the night to get comfortable with the fact that he is going to

be groping your boob that hard. I've got a dry hug that I do that involves squeezing a boob for hours unlike the sting of boob squeezes. Also really sorry about the bruises. No, that's the thing. I'm so good at it that I don't leave any evidence. Now, as far as the question asker, if you want to do this kind of stuff in school, first, the first thing you got to do is take a bullshit class.

Cooking would work. Acting, that if you have a theater class, oh, forget about it. That's where the gropes are happening. Are they by the most attractive people? Nah, you know, probably not. There are people that are like berets. Does your school offer a like a mammogram training seminar? Because that would be very on the nose.

Also, you could consider a big blanket. There are laws that prohibit a school from, because of religious reasons, that prohibit a school from looking underneath a big blanket. I know you're going to put underneath a blanket. Maybe your math teacher is going to be very confused as to why you've spread a big blanket over two desks in the back row. So you just tell them, I'm a blanketarian, and I don't like the persecution that you're putting me through. I'm going to bring a civil trial against you.

I am quiltished, and I don't actually appreciate this hate that I'm getting from you. Why are you so anti-snuggy is what I want to know. You know what's going to be embarrassing, though, when there is a quiltist, like a real one right next to him, they'll have to look at him with that judgment. Aren't Quakers, aren't Quakers quiltists? Isn't that a thing? Isn't that one of their beliefs? God damn it, you guys, I miss high school.

Do you remember when the biggest concern in your life was that you wanted to squeeze a boob, and you were like, oh, how do I, there aren't enough hours in the day? I got to come up with some sort of heist so that I can squeeze boob. You're standing there looking at your schedule and your trapper keeper, and you're like, well, I got math at 11, and then I have band at 1230. When am I supposed to squeeze in squeezings? If I eat my lunch really quickly, maybe we can go out into the commons and hide behind a tree, and I can squeeze a fucking boob.

Do you remember the feeling of it being three o'clock in the afternoon, and you are done with your day? Like, you don't have fuck all else to do. Being an adult is like being at school all the time forever. Like, you're never not at school when you're an adult. But I have to say, my boob squeezing career improved drastically after I got out of school. So I guess that there's a trade-off is what I'm saying. It's like school that you can never get out of, but there's so many more boos to squeeze.

I'm in a bit of a pickle. See, a lot of emotion this week I'm bringing. I have to plan a bachelorette party, but here's the kicker. We can't have boos. The other bridesmaids don't drink for religious reasons. Sorry, Padre. I stopped drinking for religious reasons. Ken, I don't care how much you offer me this vino.

The only reason I drink is to party, to get down. No religious drinking for me. Now I have to come up with something sassy and fun that doesn't involve drinking. I got it. And I'm betting that penis paraphernalia will be frowned upon as well. That's from bum-fuzzled bridesmaid in Nashville. Cacheville. You know what's always fun with parties?

To do a theme party. And your theme could be worst party ever. Yeah, bad. What's your theme? It's bad is my theme. The theme is boring. We do boring things. Like you're going to have a party without drinks or dicks?

No dick paraphernalia? What's the point I want to know? It sounds like the problem is I feel like the premise of a bachelor slash bachelorette party is one last time to cut loose and be stupid. And like let's do something that you're not going to be able to do once you're married. So we're going to go, you know, say it's a bachelor party. You're going to go drink all day with the boys and play miniature golf. But to say I need a really chill party that fits into the bounds of religious specifications

is like well then don't have the party. What is her way that she cuts loose that she won't be able to anymore after she gets married? Maybe you kind of focus on that. Like maybe you get all the girls together and watch a marathon of NCIS LA and talk about how hunky Chris O'Donnell is. And if you've had time, Chris O'Donnell, take your shirt off. You take a bite of a cookie. Yeah.

Not a dick shape. With no nuts. You have one time in your life, one time where you're allowed to eat dick shaped foods and it's during your bachelor party because it's fun. It's fun and it's funny. Why would you give that up? You don't get to do it again. I just don't get it.

You know what you should do though? Tell me. You just squeeze each other's boobs all the time. That's a good feeling. That's okay, right? That's permissible. I'm saying it's dry hugs all around. Dry hugs with boob latching.

With optional boob latching. You know, there'll be so many girls latching on her boobs. It's going to look like somebody's playing barrel of monkeys in there. Exactly. You just can't even start to separate this tangle. Exactly, Mundo. I just recently discovered that I am gay. I couldn't be happier.

Well, that's the definition of it, isn't it? However, I had been going out with a girl for a few weeks before my discovery. And now I need to end it between us. How can I break up this relationship while keeping her as a friend? Oh, no. Mitch, Mitch, I can't stress this enough. You need to just flat out break up with her. Do not mention the gay thing.

She could never know ever. Although she probably kind of does a little bit. She probably knows. She probably knows. But you can break up with her for any reason. I would rather you break up with her because she's really fat. Even if she's not fat, she's like, I'm breaking up with you because you're fat. Then tell her you are breaking up with her because while with her,

you realize that you want to be with someone who's the complete opposite of her. Physically, biologically, the complete opposite. Hormonally, like, just the opposite of you. I get what you're laying down. I want not that, basically. I want the reverse of that. Maybe you can, maybe the best way to end this is for her to mix the disappointment of the relationship inning

with the satisfaction of knowing all along that you were gay. Like, maybe you walk up to her and just be like, oh, you got me. Catch you later. Thanks for done here. God damn, this must, I'm trying to piece together a timeline of Mitch's discovery. Okay. He's been dating this girl for a few weeks. How did, was it, it's like flipping a switch, right?

Like, a few weeks ago, you were, like, toad straight, me and Jennifer are going to be to-gets, pho-evs. And then at some point in the past few weeks, that just seems like an awfully long amount of time, or a short amount of time to just be like, gay now. I'm pretty much gay now. I'm pretty much, I like guys now. You know, she was probably part of an extensive,

maybe sort of like a denial type thing. You were my, like, she was, he was trying to convince himself, trying a little something of everything, you know, like a little, trying anything to sort of keep, keep that part of himself sort of quarantined and had a bust of loose. It's like your first plate at Golden Corral, you get, you get a little bit of steak, and you get a little bit of fried chicken,

and you get a little bit of pasta, a little bit of potato salad, and then you try them all, and your second plate, you know that you're supposed to focus on fried chicken. And your second plate, you get dick. And the second plate, you get, oh, just a buffet of dicks. This is a special thing, and this is good. This is great, and we're all very proud of you. She won't be, though.

She's not going to be out talking in general. I mean, in this one specific conversation. All I'm trying to say is, in this conversation, he is embarrassed to be gay. This is the one time where it's okay. Do not expect any high-fives, is what we're saying, from this particular woman. But on the upside, honey,

I'm really happy. I'm like the happiest I've ever been. I wish, maybe things would have been different if you could have made me feel this happy, but we are beyond that point in the conversation, and now I'm gay now. Hey, listen, if it'll cheer you up, maybe you're going to bet I'll introduce you to Tim Gunn.

How would that be? Wait, hold on, because we've already established that this has been a sudden, immediate thing, like a switch flipping. You're saying that as soon as that switch gets flipped, Tim Gunn. In your email the next day. Welcome aboard when you join MySpace,

and Tom is immediately your friend. And when you turn 100 and the president sends you a letter, it's sort of like that. And some smuckers. Is that right? Yes. Is that what the president does? Yeah, so I think that he'll really,

I think that that'll help to turn that frown upside down. And you know what? She's, everybody remembers the guy there with, when he discovered he was gay, and he didn't want to be with you. You got to make sure that you're the first and only person this ever happens to. That's the important thing.

It can happen once and it's funny. If it happens more than once, it's abysmally devastating to her. What you've got to do is make sure she doesn't date any more secret gay dudes, because then it would be bad. You've got to be like Batman for her, except you're protecting her from secret homosexuals.

You have to be her. Although I do think Frank Gorsher was a secret homosexual for what it's worth. You have to be her dark, super gay knight. Protecting the city by wearing leather. Wearing leather. And are you saying like you should like blow a dude in front of her?

Like never forget this. Keep this in your mind forever. Remember this feeling. If you see her talking to a guy who is secretly gay, you need to stand next to her and just kind of shake your tush a little bit. Hey, you like the distraction you're going with? Look at how he looks.

He likes this. I bet he likes this. You don't want to have anything to do with this guy. Where's Felcote? I'm gonna fuck him. Don't forget this. Remember this feeling. Remember this pain.

Pray to me. I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first super quick. We have, we neglected to do this last week, and we have to say this week, Patrick and Jimison both got MBMBAM tattoos. What have them got at MBMBAM? What have got hashtag at MBMBAM?

Here's the fun thing about this. Jimison, professional tattooer. Yeah. Patrick, never a tattooer, nary a tattoo applied to a human body. Has he done? It's unthinkable. This whole, this whole setup.

The whole setup is bad. But I'm proud of them, and I'm grateful. I'm very grateful for them. Certainly. They joined the tattoo club. Which attacked the club of three. Yeah. Which if you want to join that club,

I really ask you to just sit down for a second. Maybe talk to a loved one. Maybe take a look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror and really consider the possibilities here. But if you go for it, we're happy. God bless. Immediately let us know. Yeah, to send us pictures.

Just a reminder, June 12th. We are sold out for our Cincinnati show. Tickets sold so briskly. I think we pretty much have got to do one again soon. Not that I'm encouraging this, but there is going to be a waiting list, day of, in case people don't show up. So if you're in the area,

I wouldn't recommend driving like eight hours hoping to get in. But if you're in the area and you didn't get a chance to get a ticket, feel free to stop by the theater and check and see if maybe there's some seats available. Should we talk about our opener? We got an opener for the last show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dizzy Gillespie. Dizzy Gillespie's coming back for the dead. No, you're close though. You're not too far off Felicia Gillespie. Yeah, she's a stand-up comedian. Super funny. We reached out to her and she was into it.

She's going to be there. Going to do some comedy before we go. Some jokes. Do us a favor and more mind you there, but like buy our CDs or something. Tell her that she did a great job and buy her stuff. I don't think, I do not think that they are going to need us to tell them to do that

in order for them to do that. No, she's so fucking funny. We were, I can't, like I am no lie. We, when the three of us were all together in Ohio, we sat down and instantly like, we're like, yeah, she's great. Yeah, we were watching her clips and they were, she's hysterical.

So look her up. She's going to be opening for us. We couldn't be happier about it. We're stoked. Real quick, MB&B AM app experience. If you search on iTunes or droid store for MB&B AM, you'll find our app. It's, you can stream all of our episodes.

You can ask us a question directly from the app that we have extras on there. Occasionally we'll put in like a deleted bit or something. What's on there right now? I never wondered what a pee gas them was. What's on there right now? The pee gas? That was our latest.

So I, uh, I want to wish a happy birthday to close personal friend of the show, Kristen hot. So happy birthday. Actually Travis wrote happy birth that which is that. So run tell that happy birthday. Is that run tell that birthday that you just had? I hope it was happy, Kristen hot. And that's, oh, oh, we got a new t-shirt design coming.

It's going to be really good. It's the fucking best design. You guys, it's so, Justin Russo like out did himself. You guys are going to take those old Mbem-bem shirts you have and you're going to throw them right in the garbage because they are poop compared to this gym. But don't do that though. Um, no, don't do that.

Thanks to everybody who's out there. Thanks to the future cat and the future cat's friend Russell who, but Russell turned the future cat on the show. And then the future cat was spreading the word. Hold on. Is this an actual, is this an actual cat from the future? Yes. Yeah.

Be afraid. Yeah. Warren Blender, Carly, um, shoes out there. Rory Michelle, as always. I want to give a shout out to like our, one of our newest listeners, WarrenG1983, just started listening to the show. Um, and a big thank you to Matthew Oten,

who apparently tried to pimp our sampler to our friend, Sarah Benincasa. And, uh, that's the whole show that we have for you. We'll be back next week with another podcast. And we hope that you'll, uh, subscribe to us on iTunes or through your RSS feed so you can make sure to, to hear it all. And, uh, Griffin hit us with that last question.

Uh, this last question is sent in by John Ireland. Thank you, John. It's by Yahoo Answers user Jacob Magnetti, who asks, What can I use as an alternative to milk to get the calcium I need for strong, healthy boners? Ha ha ha ha. I'm Justin McAulay. I'm Travis.

I'm Griffin McAulay. This has been my brother and my brother and me. It's your dad. Let's go wear on the lips. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart.

Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks. These girls are smart. Play your part.