My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 569: Planet of Valjeans

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

Yet why did we allow these boys To touch our souls and teach us love This episode’s like any other It’s full of advice, from funny brothersYour life will never be the same Just wait and seeHear from the wizard of the cloud On My Brother, My Brother, and MeTake a trip into spaceWith a whole melon sliceAnd then celebrate shark weekWith a flavored shaved ice Suggesting talking points: Spaze Bois, Who am I? I’m Derrick’s Dad, Christopher Walking, Blood, Coconut, and Shark Gummy, They came for our meats, Avocado OpportunitiesSupport AAPI communities and those affected by anti-Asian violence: https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/stop-aapi-hate For resources on anti-racism and fighting police violence: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed Travis insists. He's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up, you cool, baby I could have never seen what was coming for me hangs at the skate park hangs by the beach my life It feels It's better it's better It's better it's better

It's better it's better Hello everybody welcome to my brother my brother me an advice show for the future era What an honor and a thrill it is to be presenting this show. I'm the oldest brother of the program. My name is Justin McElroy My name is Travis McElroy. I am your middlest big dog wolf wolf brother out here. It is absolutely beautiful Hey there come on back now. This is your baby brother Griffin McElroy space cowboy We are doing the first this is the first my brother and brother and me from our limited

Interstellar tourism business that we just started space boys with a Z and We're not what you think by the way the Z is where the C should be Space boys No, there's just one S it's space boys boys Yeah, yeah, so we're up here a listen pretend I didn't start at the usual way cuz if you go to space for the first time you get to say some like cool shit So can I can we all take it? Let me adjust the let me adjust your audio calibrations. We can get that smoothed out. Okay. Is that any better?

So I was well, you know like that's one small step for man one giant leaf for me that whole thing It doesn't make any sense by the way doesn't make any sense. Don't get it What if we all I was wondering if furthest enough girl launch we're up here in this beautiful You know obsidian sky we call space Big sky above the sky we call space the sky Sky yeah, guys dad. Yeah, no, this is guys dad guys dad space the dad of the skies Uh-huh. I was wondering if we could all take it take a chance and take a turn at like Drop in our like space

Oh, like what's the thing they're gonna like put on our like tombstone? What's the thing? It's gonna be car. I wasn't going in that direction all more thinking like when people watch video of this You got a pole one clip if you're making the movie where the aliens are looking at all the cool shit A humanity did and decide not to wipe us out. You know what I mean? Yeah, like a Nelson Mandela quote There's probably Malala and then there's us listen. I'm not space thing I don't know if Neil Armstrong is dead or not, but you don't think they'll put like one small step on his tombstone We have to go we have to one up that is what we're saying Okay, I got one. I got one. I got one. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, two twenty twelve. Okay. There's some pieces of Armstrong

Oh, okay, good stuff for sure. That's two small steps for man two giant leaps for mankind Okay, you doubled it essentially. Yeah, cuz it's more than a Yeah, no, it's awesome. I mean you could say any number there. You could have been like that's like a hundred steps Yeah, and then oh man That's way bigger big jumps and then we hopped in like a cool space car and drove for a while Okay, how about this one? When you not it does push you back. Yeah, we can confirm that that is built on both of these are

Lacking sort of a ring of like timelessness because they are based on references to things of so far Decreasing relevance. Okay. Can I try one? Yeah, please and mine's more of just sort of like an acknowledgement of like our space accomplishments So I was thinking like I Am the first man to have eaten an entire water melon aboard my rocket ship But it made a big mess and they made me come land it back on earth early Say it again. So this is the thing you got to be it has to have a ring of timeless I'm the first man to have ever eaten a whole water ballad up in a space rocket ship But ding dammit made a big

Fricking fucking mess and they made me land it early cuz all the juice and seats that got everywhere in the apartment Justin that's a good point because the one of the main problem if I could get some notes on yeah I'll step for man a lot of words a lot of what if we just shorten it to space? It's fucking cool out here No, what if we shortened? What if we shorten one small set that whole bit? Okay, like what we need is it's you know Twitter didn't even have time for the You know we have to shorten this how what would you guys think about this like big step in oh It's just like that you get the idea big step it up here in space step for me. No to jump Boom, that's good. It's even shorter and punchier. Oh, oh watermelon mess coming home

Yeah, that's not bad. What is I'll tell you what's even easier remember Houston. We have a problem Yeah, right very short very memorable. Maybe it's like oopsie. I ate some melon Do you think do you think that when Tom Hanks when he wouldn't that really happened the real Tom Hanks? Yeah, when they did Apollo 13. Do you think when he was like she soon we have a problem Do you think a brain juices like looks at each other like I know I know we're all worried about this But that was like pretty close But I love him and I'm we're gonna get these these fighting boys home safely. No problemo, but wasn't it cool Can we take like five second? Hey Johnson write that down Houston. We have a problem. Oh wait

Sorry, hey Tom Hanks was there a comma in that between Houston and we or was it a period do you think just if you had to specify? Hey, we're just trying to get what's that you can't breathe right right right right right you need to find an egg crate or something I don't remember that movie. I was just looking at Richard Branson's Wikipedia Sir Richard Branson's Wikipedia page and in his like His I guess resume that they have here. They have listen, you know He has five billion dollars and did he's a knight and apparently a virgin But anyway, it's Space career virgin galactic commercial astronaut time in space one minute twelve seconds

That's a cool career Sir Richard Branson the trajectory of your shit. Yeah awesome, man. Awesome, man Good job. You did it rich. I'm an astronaut for a minute for 72 seconds dick Branson I'm an astronaut like all the big boys You're a one-minute astronaut partner Hey, sir Richard Branson, could you possibly pay off? I don't know like a thousand people's hospitals. No I'm going to space for 72 seconds and by and by a thousand people's hospital bills Travis means all Hospital bills ever for everyone on the earth who has ever gotten sick or hurt But it's space but it's 72 seconds. I could be closer to the moon

You can't even eat a little bit. You can't even pierce the hide of a watermelon Using the tools available to you on a spaceship in They don't they don't let you bring a knife to space They simply don't tune in to this season of Taskmaster Featuring five rich assholes and we say hey you have 72 seconds of space How much watermelon can you eat over and over? That's the only challenge. We just repeat it over and over Real quick. I do have this is connected Virgin galactic we're gonna be following this story pretty closely because it's just well they're competing with us

You know what there's only enough room in space. You know what I mean? Yeah for space boys And virgin galactic I want to bring this breaking news story From ashton kutcher if I can stand by When I got married and had kids uh, my wife basically encouraged that it was not a Smart family decision to be heading into space when we have young children So I ended up selling my ticket back to virgin galactic And I was supposed to be on the next flight But I will not be on the next flight

But at some point I'm going to space So, okay, here's the story. Here's the scoop Okay, I got live here. You guys were listening there. Obviously a plus k was gonna go to space And then his wife said he was a lot of guys space and now he's pretty dejected about that As you can imagine, he really wanted to go to space. It looks so cool up there But uh, but uh calso from that Sony show will not be in space everyone right now like calso Does ticket master have

a refund option for space I mean virgin galactic is is wanting like some other luminary can get that right He put it up on stub hub griffin. So like it's a resale thing now at this point So a plus k is a space ticket scalper. Yeah Essentially what you're saying. Okay. All right. All right. Is it is I got a question. Yeah another question They're gonna go to space again. You'll shouldn't learn unless the first time they're going for 73 seconds this time Yeah, they're gonna go big again

There's gonna be a conversation where richard branson's like employees are like So do you want to go to space again? And he's gonna have to be like Nah, I think I got it. I did it already I think I got it the bit like you just go up there and uh, yeah, I get it I thought you're gonna say the opposite justin which is like, yeah I can't wait to go to space again And they're like, well richard you've already been shouldn't someone else get to go and he's like

What but It's more rocket in there, but I've got more money than anyone I think I left my keys up there richard branson. Is that true? I'm not entirely sure where richard branson is from. Maybe it's space. Maybe he's just trying to get home Are you sure you left your keys up there richard branson? Well, you haven't seen me drive recently, have you? Well, no, that's true richard branson. Oh I left me car up there, too What?

Yeah, like, you know how elon put his car on the rocket there. I did that Uh, boy Ah, his rocket took off. He's gone. He distracted us Well space boys, uh, I can't wait for our next big adventure. We should say our rocket our whole program was entirely free We we built it out of stuff. We found the dad's garage free and guess what guess how many times this exploded None times Every time I turn on the news it's like you want to blow it up another one up in the ocean and I'm like you fucking dummy It's not that hard

No, space boys. We got a hundred percent success rate. Yes out of stuff we found in our daddy's garage Can we land real quick? Yeah, okay bringing her in Oh, that's smooth. Yeah, thank you. That's real good juice. Thank you. Yeah, no big deal Uh, no big deal So, uh, this is an advice show also which it seems weird. It seems kind of antiquated at this point Well, we gotta keep getting the money They're not going to let us keep going to space and abandoning the many many solvable problems of earth unless we Keep getting the money. So right. I'm not ready to give up on fixing all of earth's problems

I just also want to fix the moon's problems So good to you trove. Thank you. I'm a big man with a big heart and a big hunger Not anymore because you know the water bill. I'm saying I was the one to wait that you guys No, hold on. This is revisionist history You to and I don't want to tear space boys apart right when it starts But the two of you if we could actually play the tape back because you know, they're recording that shit non-stop uh because the surveillance state in space it it was a lot like

That's the sound of me pulling the watermelon on my bag and then you two were like griffin What the fuck we told you not to bring that and I was like Come on. Come on. Come on guys. It's my birthday But griffin we had weighed everything very specifically Like yeah, we had and we did not account for one whole watermelon And then it was a lot of And then Justin was like griffin your teeth aren't strong enough to gnaw through the outside And I was like, well, they don't let you bring a knife to space

And then Travis was like griffin. What are you doing? Griffin stop stop stop because you saw me lift it up over my head and smash it on the ground And then start just sort of scooping it. Well You know catching it out of the air with a small net that I did manage to bring on board But there was a lot of you two can't claim credit for eating the watermelon. You're right. You're right. It was just you Can I move on please? Yeah, thank you I'm staying at my family friend's house for a bit while I started a new job I brought some avocado with me for a healthy lunch

The problem cool Nice problem is my avocados aren't ripe yet My friends have an avocado that is ripe, but they're out of town right now So should I just eat their avocado replace with one of my avocados without asking? Would it be even weirder if I asked the perfect stealing? Would they notice that's from potential avocado band at nsc south carolina anybody who would notice that Is not is no friend of yours

anyone who has Is keeping such close tabs on their avocado That they can tell when it's been indiana jones switched out with another avocado Is not someone anyone should be associating with not only that but when my avocados go ripe the chance that The venn diagram overlaps of like they're ready to eat and i'm ready to eat them Is not always perfect and so the idea of someone be like hey you weren't home When your avocado was ripe, so I bought you some time By consuming that already ready avocado and giving you like that's

That you've done them a favor Yeah, you know I I said what I said, but it was wrong because charis brings up a good point if they if they have been sitting on these emerald beauties Until they stop being Hard and disgusting But before they get soft and brown and gross But then you switch it out with one that is not in that sweet window They I would actually the the game would be a foot at that point

I think it just it depends on how long they're gonna be gone You know if they're back the next day No, but if they're gone for a couple days that window is short, you know I think it's a great business to Like right okay, so I placed a grocery store order and the grocery store just like Brought a bunch of avocados for free. Oh, yeah Sample and it says in the bag like sample avocado bonus boys. We know about this We've been a grocery store before you need to stop accidentally spreading these kinds of feelings about west virginia because that makes it sound like

Like the grocery stores in west virginia are like, how do we get people to buy these avocados? They're so scared of them. We must give them samples. It's well. It is kind of a weird like I don't feel I feel like even if the anyway avocados should have been my house Okay, a bunch of free avocados except I had not structured any sort of avocado Dish avocado opportunities You know yeah in my head So there's just they're just sitting on the counter and getting riper and riper

And I don't have a plan for it and don't tweet at me No, I know I can make ice cream I know what the fact welcome allay. I know about this. I know about avocado toast Not allowed to eat it because i'm 40, but I'm gonna know about it Don't know what to do with these bad boys. So they're just sitting there. I would love a service Where someone's like comes to your house. You're like, do you any produce you feel guilty about? I'm like, yeah, actually This is asparagus looks like thick spaghetti because it's got some limp and bad And and I would you eat it and they're like, yeah, absolutely. No problem

No problem. Oh, so no guilt for you for the for the stuff where you're making your grocery order And you're like, I'm an adult. I should buy vegetables until you get some zucchini Yeah, and then the zucchini comes and you put it in the crisper drawer where things go to die Yeah, and then it's like two weeks later. You're like, oh, yeah, I need to do someone without zucchini Yeah, I'm gonna do it that zucchini. I like I like the scam Where you put a bunch of fresh produce in there and then you start to feel guilty about it And then you're like, wait, I left an onion in here a month ago. This rotten onion has ruined everything I had to start again

No more guilt for me. One thing is sticky in here. You all gotta go. Man, every crisper drawer is the fucking grossest You know, I ever get in there and it's like time to clean this fucking stinky box out The worst is when you when you pull the drawer out and underneath there's just this reddish brown film Yes, yeah, what is it? What is it? Nothing's leaking. Nothing's leaking. You check everything Yeah, it's the tears of the fruit and vegetables that know that they'll never be They'll never live up to their purpose. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what to do with these avocados I think in this case though, like It's a it's it's wonderful because they're gonna go over right but go bad. It's perfect. It's perfect

It's a wonderful thing. You're doing. Yeah, this is great What a sign help What a sign help. Well, I but we don't know the owner's feelings about the avocados Well, but if you're worried about getting caught or whatever, just leave a little sign that says I switched out my unripe avocado for your ripe avocado You're welcome This is it. No, this is a victimless crime. Okay. This is this is wild You can eat all their avocados when they get home. They're not gonna say shit to you. Do not even sweat it Um, hey, can we can we approach the wizard's throne?

Yeah with deference Hang my head. Yes Okay No, he actually hates that you have to keep constant eye contact with the wizard of the cloud I can hang my head and make eye contact and bend the knee at the same time. Oh damn it. Travis turned you into a fucking pig Oh, that's what I wanted Oh, good job. All right. Well, they're very smart I know somebody who's got a birthday coming up

Who? Who? I guess dad. Yeah Yeah, this is probably about a month from now I know somebody's got a birthday coming up and actually this would be great for dad This is uh, this is now us planning our dad's birthday party a good, uh, almost a month in advance And that's because thanks maria who sent him this wiki how article titled how to throw a lame is a rob birthday party Hell, yeah

That's perfect for our daddy. I think we can all agree Uh, lame is is a fantastic musical beloved by millions around the world If you're a theater geek and want to proclaim your enthusiastic admiration of lame is this guy He'll help you plan a fun party based on it. Yes Yes Well, now let's not limit it because fans of french history will probably enjoy it as well Do fans of french history actually like lame is or does lame is take too many? Are there like people who are like, yeah

Yeah, anyway prepare invitations your invitation should look old-fashioned Maybe written on old aged parchment paper in a fancy font and should quote some of the songs here's an example Do you hear the people sing the birthday song? Sorry, i'll try to get those in there a little more discreetly Do you hear the people sing the birthday song the time is near epanine? Thin our dear is turning 12 So do you put that if it's if your peeps if your if your clint macaroy and you're turning 12 66 years old. I don't believe so come meet at the abc cafe epanine's house 1 2 3 4 5

Thin our dear lane on october 2nd 1815 to celebrate if I get this fucking invitation. I'm like, hun We got invited to a 12 year old's birthday party at the turn of the 19th century Bring your bestie is hey, my daughter's having a fucking lame is theme birthday party. I know I know but please come Please make your kids come too. I know she's not cool I know the cause doesn't want to come Come where? To the abc cafe

Oh Yeah, I guess so the cafe that's inside of epanine's house. Anyway, bring your best singing voices lame is french parentheses french revolution more specifically june rebellion era. Ah, fuck My only clean french revolution costume Is from the fucking july party era when they finished the rebellion and everybody was just like ripping it up and a loaf of bread And a loaf of bread smiley face don't steal it Oh Let's get some lyrics going. Um, if we could just I'm sure everybody's been sort of cooking some of the back of their head

Here's the best that one that I've got right now at the end of the year. You're another year older Yeah, that's pretty good. That's all you can say for the life of the poor and then you just keep going exactly the same way Yeah, that's pretty good. Uh, how about this? Drink with me A cool aid zero sugar jammer My kids love those. Yeah, how about this? Who am I? I'm garrick's dad Please come to my house Good way for garrick's dad to enter

Yeah Here in my bounty castle in the yard There's another one. It's not bad. We're good. It's not bad. Yeah Damn, you know, I was about to say we're we're narrow casting right now, but I think we're pretty pretty well in the wheelhouse Okay, decorate. Obviously you got to build a barricade. Hey, wait, wait. Nobody did your very suicide. I'm trying to think man I got stars. It's right there Oh, what about confrontation? Come on celebration. That's easy decorate. Yeah, perfect. Obviously you got to build a barricade Hunt. Yeah, um, did you smash up all of our dining room chairs?

I did do that because it's my fucking birthday dad get the get the net Or you go all the way out and build a ginormous one in your backyard with old junk You can even ask your guests to build old junk that they have and you could assemble it to build The building of the barricade at the party or pile up bits of furniture in the corners at home So let me get this straight You want me to bring some of my old wooden furniture to your house? What are you planning to do with it? You'll see Are we gonna get to like eat pizza or something at some point? No, keep building the barricade

But it's just the middle of your yard. What are you barricading against the french pro terrier or something? I don't know. I don't know. I haven't seen the show. You haven't seen the show Nah, I just love the posters Try to avoid balloon streamers or typical party stuff But if you absolutely need a birthday banner then try having it be a neutral color with the lay miss font on it You know the classic lay miss font How about why can't we do just like big if you're gonna do streamers and should just do red white and blue? No, it's red and black

Red and black is even better Red the color of the cake black The color of the cake the both colors are on the cake the cake is mostly red Okay, it's a spider-man cake It's all the store had Oh my Am I the man the spider that they say I am?

Am I the Peter Parker how to throw a spider-man turn off the dark birthday party? All right, everybody you see the barricade we built last year for the lay miss party We're all gonna take turns jumping off of the top of it. Are you sure? Yes I I'm sorry I'm sorry Vicki. I guess I should say now at this point a year out. You're right. I did not clean it up You are correct. Never got a round to that. I did not have an after plan for the barricade I just assumed it would wash away We got themed food get miniature sausages or hot dogs to stick toothpicks in and put papers on the toothpicks labeling them

Kidney of a horse and liver of a cat Okay, that's not very good fun fun loaves of freshly baked bread You stole a loaf of bread and various friends when it suckers away for the jimmy dean companies showed up and they were like How did you know? I don't know. Oh no. Get some red Kool-Aid and call it the blood of angry men Um, and then there's a cake and you can make you a cake look like You could either have cakes look like they did in that era frost some kind of lay miss design on it barricade Etc. Or use some other kind of french dessert instead of a cake the clues are starting to point to this person genuinely not having Any idea what it is what the show at the very least you should have to make your guests decide

Whether they want to have their cake or eat it Right, they shouldn't get to have they cannot get to do both. That's an excellent point travis Welcome the guests. Okay, you're all ready for your party decked up in your best epanine costume And the guests begin to arrive make sure the guests know that they must come dressed up to the party They'll be no talking Only singing and some yelling when the battles come if they break that rule send them to javert Oh, boy. Have someone dress up as javert and tie them to a tree for five minutes or so. What? Excuse them. Whoa

Hey, can you imagine anyone that like just popping their head over the fence and seeing this and there's like a 13 year old Get tied to a tree. I love I love this party. I love everything that we've done. I love all the plans What I am thinking about is the moment when I've got it all set And then I realize that it's the child's birthday and I do have to invite grandpa dan Yes, because grandpa dan is gonna have to come and see all this happen and he's gonna try to talk We're gonna have to be like No, you gotta go you gotta go to javert You gotta go to javert he's gonna tie you to the tree remember next time sing or scream

Those are the two options dan Yes, what I love too is just listening to this you get such a great Like there's this scale of like age plus this party Equals fun question mark and like there's a track because at like 19, right in theater school You throw this party. It's a rager, right? This is amazing, right? 12 years old you throw this party. No one comes right comes now. Here's my question Is there an age past? Let's say 30

Where this really hits? Hmm No, I mean 40 is what I am and I would be Very into somebody putting this kind of work into a party. Yeah, it doesn't even really matter. I would just love a theme You know, yeah, right? I miss it This is this is still part of welcome the guests a play lay miss soundtrack throughout the party But don't watch the movie adaptation from 2011 some guests may not consider it appropriate even if you fast forward through lovely ladies Which I guess is a very sexual song from the movie the 10th anniversary concert from

The 10th anniversary concert from 1998 is less visually explicit. So oh if we could talk about that fucking show Callum Wilkinson fucking Wilkinson. Are you kidding me? Oh my god? Hi You're my bro. Who am I? Who am I? Can I get this man to slavery slavery? Uh, if I can come with Wilkinson and then what is the best is at the end They have all the Jean Valjean's ever from all across the planet And they all come in and sing their own lay misses. They come in and sing their own. Who am I?

Are you kidding me with this incredible? It's incredible this version of it. I want this party now I've just sent trance full of weight. Just be quieter. Be shut up Yeah Here comes weight Fuck yeah It's the best. Yeah, it's the best. Can you imagine? That's what you play open and close with the plan in the valjean's Yeah

Uh, I just sent justin to travest some key art from this uh wiki howl article That I know this visual humor doesn't play at home But it's just two boys with their arms around each other standing in front of a door with a small welcome banner on it And then boy a what appears to be Oh my god 15 foot tall man dressed up as javert I believe They're either three feet tall or he is 10 feet tall. Yeah, that's pretty excellent Oh god, we gotta put that we'll put that up. So the final tip is just to play games But tweak the names and rules

So that they're lame is theme pin the tail on the donkey could be pin the bread on valjean Okay, no in the crime on someone else That's what a crime is amorphous. They've done that but no, this is what I'm saying That's what who am I is it's pinning the crime on another man I know but a crime you can't fucking put you start to play it. Yeah, you know So now you could pin the pin the silver candle sick on valjean and he's got the one and you're you take on the role Okay, in this in this pin the tail game will be in having the role of the priest the kindly priest It looks after valjean

Monsignor bienvenue This is name I only know isn't it weird how with some things like lame is I can't think of a time in my life where if you'd ask me like are you fucking deep in the paint with lame is Yeah, absolutely. I'm very deep in the paint with lame is and just like at some point It's like apparently I've absorbed all this. Yeah, and I'm extremely deep in the pain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you want to know? What do you want to know? Yeah. Yeah, anything all the songs on the lyrics apparently I did like I did this intentionally with rent But with lame is I just sort of I don't know. Yeah, I can't remember

From the botany class I took in college, but do you want to hear all the lyrics to master the house? Send it to the tune of fucking stars and we'll talk. Yeah Quick break and then we'll come right back and talking about lame You want to make a lame is a rob fan site The fad is there'll be the first time I do it. You can call it uh lame is Happy Rob because it makes you happy and your name is Rob and your name is Rob Yeah, and we're sponsored by Squarespace and Squarespace can help you do it because they can help you showcase your work

Like if you've written, I don't know a lot of lame is fan fiction Uh a sequel to lame is Uh, which come on guys. Where's that at? Uh, if you want to sell products and services of all kind if you want to cosplay and go to children's parties dresses You're there and you can promote your physical and online business and more. They have beautiful customizable Customizable templates created by world-class designers everything right there out of the box is going to work for mobile Analytics that help you grow in real time free and secure hosting and nothing to patch or upgrade ever

Just go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial when you're ready to launch use the offer code My brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Uh, we've been using stitchfix for a long time to get our fashion right And now that uh, some parts of the globe are beginning to in some ways reopen and in ways that are both scary and not Uh, you gotta get your fashion going And uh, it's time to get back out there and it's can be a little challenging But stitchfix is going to do all the hard work for you of helping you find the right look now You know this did you know that stitchfix also does kids stuff?

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You just pay a $20 trialing fee for each box which gets credited toward the pieces that you keep There's no hidden fees ever So get started today at stitchfix.com slash my brother and you'll get 25 off when you keep everything in your fix That's stitchfix.com slash my brother for 25 off when you keep everything in your fix stitchfix.com slash My brother Since the dawn of time screenwriters have taken months to craft their stories But now three hollywood professionals shall attempt the impossible Break a story in one hour. That's right here on story break I freddy wong mad arnold and will campos

The creators behind award-winning shows like video game high school have one hour to turn a humble idea into an awesome movie Now an awesome movie starts with an awesome title I chose the billionaires marriage valley. Mine was christmas pregnant paradise Okay, next we need a protagonist. So I've heard barrio best described as libertarian mario And of course every great movie needs a stellar pitch in order to get to heaven. Sometimes you got to raise a little hell Check out story break every week on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts Yeah, hey, dave this party sounds great. Where's it at? That's the last one that's that's all I got

That's the last one, but you did run a real risk of pivoting us right back into which I thought was if I could say Reckless I was right out. But you know what that's me. I'm kind of the bad boy of the lame is seen You know it's sad. I was just looking for like When you mentioned lame is fansite. I thought oh, that would be fun. I'm gonna find one of this You can't find fucking fansites anymore. It's all been commoditized. I love the wikis. Yes, you know what I mean? You can't just like get into like a dirty Geo cities web ring and just surf for a little bit. It's not a mumble there and it's kind of like giz cities It was very obvious cities. Hold on one second giz cities.com. Everyone be patient

Patient everybody urls on this show He didn't even say url this time. I just kind of thought wait giz cities.com Find your domain. Okay. Let's let me check this raised company. Please be taken. It's not taken I can get it. Wait. I tight. Okay. Wait a little brave for here I did type giz domain.com. That is also So I might have to get both giz cities and giz domain Giz cities is available. I'm leaving giz domain. You can have it friends. Whoever gets to it first Uh, it's it's right there for you. If you just can someone please make giz domain redirect to giz cities

I'm gonna make giz cities redirect to giz domain. So it's kind of like load the internet Well, that'll teach them to search for something so naughty Oh, dang it done melted my damn computer down. Why did I search for giz cities? What were you doing on my computer? It it imploded it sucked in on itself like a black hole. No, no nothing. What were you doing on it? Well, I was searching for giz domain It looked like you were trying to go to a website when the computer Sort of dissolved. It's club penguin club. Penguin's been closed for many years Oh

There's a guy This is on uh, so there's a Canadian version of dragonstone Uh, uh, and there is a guy out there who came out a couple seasons ago whose name is currently, uh escaping me I'll find it in just a second Uh, but he is the dude behind club penguin and no matter who's lane maryfield is his name And no matter who comes out there every time this man opens his mouth practically. He's like, you know, when I created club Of course like incredibly rich because everything that you think is uncool it has made a billion dollars. Okay I'm gonna bring it in because I feel like things are getting a little out of hand a bit a little out of hand

I walk quietly and as a result. I always startle people when I just appear out of nowhere I'm about to move in with five new roommates I mentioned this to them and they all said it would freak them out for sure So how do I stop jump scaring people slash seeming like a magician? That's from christ for walking Uh, they've also added ps no tap shoes on for char hardwood flooring, which is uh, uh, that's an excuse Yeah, that is an excuse you could you could do it could traction becomes now this is

This is where I really think if I may a sign might help Because much like you drive down the road, right? And there's like watch out for deer signs and I might not see a deer But I'm ready to see a deer. Maybe you just have like watch out for dave Or or don't here's here's my thinking on this one. This this is This is a them problem. It's not even a them problem. It's a them opportunity because you are giving them a

an intensive training protocol for situational awareness You want to stop being afraid by me when I appear when you weren't expecting me then know where I am at all times train your train your mind to have complete Perception of the world around you. That's an incredible skill that you're giving them And then you're gonna scare them so bad a few times and they're gonna spill a big bowl of soup On their body and it's gonna hurt a lot, but pain is weakness leaving the body I think that the problem is you run the risk of surprising them and them hurting you

You know sometimes that's you're gonna get a little soup on you, but your pain Is their weakness? Entering your body. Yeah, that's what they say. Maybe you could announce yourself Or oh even better You're gonna need a herald to my friend A herald. Yeah, someone who announces you Someone who goes before you oh not an h.a.r. No, no, no, no, they blow a little trumpet and say presenting Steve what if you're just going to the shitter doesn't matter

Steve's going to shit What if you're just passing through the verandah avert your eyes steve approaches I don't need to be announced every time i'm going back to get more bagel chips, you know Someone can't say no to bagel chips Did we already say a bell? I mean no because it's a person If it is a person, but it's not cool that we do it to anybody. You know cows are like, uh, this sucks this fucking bell um

Get all of your roommates heat vision goggles Oh turn off all the lights now everybody's mysterious level the playing fields That's cool. That's cool. Hey, guess what if you live with five other people You you do not it is wild to ever be surprised By seeing someone do you know what I mean? Like I don't I don't know how big the space is that you're you're living in But when you cohabitate with that many people Just assume around every corner. There is a there is a human soul and I I don't know why you would do any differently What the fuck's a person doing here? There's five of us. What about hot wheels?

What do you mean? Hot wheels all over the floor Can't help Legos I guess would serve this same purpose If you're constantly walking up and down the hall going Yeah, well, you could just do that with ruffled potato chips too less painful, but very Scatter some dried leaves around a lot of twigs Try the leaves and twigs would be good. Yeah, and it's good for the environment because that's going to naturally compost

And you're going to get a lovely forest floor in your apartment Yeah Yeah I want a munch I want to munch squad This I have a munch squad many and then a full munch squad investigation. Okay, so we're gonna begin with this Um, because this is kind of a special episode for us. Um, I don't know if you guys realize but this is Our shark week episode. We got the recording, you know, not releasing during shark week obviously, but like recording during shark week

So if we seem a little observed Yes, if you if we seem a little, you know, shark though. Yeah And uh, we're not the only ones taking advantage because sonic drive-in is uh, also Did you know by the way that they're putting a sonic in uh next to the walmart where the bow jangles used to be? No, what a coup. Yeah, it's a big it's a big glow up Uh, so sonic drive-in introduced the new shark week slush Now there's many different ways that this could have gone But it ended up going the weirdest possible way the limited time slush is a if I told you guys that this is not a cheap

Cache in but rather an opportunity an attempt rather to capture the grace and beauty of sharks with a slush drink You would not believe me, but that is exactly what is transpired here The limited time only slush is a diorama of refreshing tropical flavor To delight the senses while diving into one of the discoveries most anticipated programs of the summer shark week How is a diorama? Well, but the eye-catching shark week slush has layers of fun with real strawberries and two shark gummies Atop an ice cold blue coconut slush

Creating a feeding frenzy for shark aficionados four two ninety nine, which I think we'll all agree is a steel Uh, I've linked you a picture so you can see basically you got a blue slush. You got a big Big mount of cherry And then uh, yeah The two gummy sharks on top awesome. Yeah. No, it definitely looks like just sort of stagnant gore Uh, uh, nest nestle the top of some anti freeze. Yeah

Yeah, we're excited to capture the beauty of shark. It looks like a lot of work for an underpaid employee Yeah, no one's they're never gonna look like this. So enjoy this picture You'll never see one like this in a while We're excited to capture the beauty of shark week and the awe-inspiring ocean life The program showcases in an exhilarating treat with a trifecta of flavors It's worth noting those trifecta flavors are blood Coconut and shark gummy So we've really captured the spirit of the thing says scott the vice president product innovation and development for sonic

The beachy cool blue coconut slush lays a bright aquatic blue base down for shark gummy candies and juicy strawberries Creating a vivid ocean scene within a slush Forgets to celebrate both the magnificent creatures and the delicious fun of summer So you're really celebrate celebrate sharks. They're very existence with this slushy So that's it's just yet another way to honor sharks and that's wonderful But from one sea light, but but the thing about this slush that I want to be really clear about

Is it contains no shark? That's important Not even a bit of shark, right? No shark dna is present in the start us. We're all star stuff, man Yeah, but you could say that this is a place where you wouldn't expect to find fish One place you might expect to find fish is in a subway tunas. Oh, no, this is ongoing This is ongoing folks This story will not die to catch you up So

New York Times did a test in subway tuna and said it's there is no tuna at all Not even the trace amounts of tuna that you'd expect to find in any one of us There's no tuna in it at all This happened and everyone kind of looked at each other like so what do we do now? What do you want me to do with this information new york? What do we do with this information if I remember correctly the like head of subway Or someone said like stood by their guns and said no, it's tuna and like it's not Subway. Yeah, somebody says it's a hundred. It's absolutely tuna

No question. This story is ongoing. This lawsuit uh started recently in january um Subway subway uh ceo The subway ceo said and this is a direct quote. He absolutely eats Subway's tuna sandwiches. Oh, he doesn't that. No, he's never had any of them. He no, no, no. He absolutely Definitely eats the subway sandwiches. He says it's one of my two favorite sandwiches Not

What's the other one? Just say it's your favorite sandwich He said it's definitely tuna. He said he absolutely eats them This is just a listen This is just one of one if you're ever trying to get away with a crime and you're running for questioning Don't start off with I definitely didn't kill him and I absolutely not a murderer So it's so they're saying it's tuna. How far they are willing to go. They've launched a website Yes called and the the website is let me get the url for you

Giz domain. It's giz domain. No subway tuna facts. Oh boy. So if you go to subway tuna facts You're gonna see a huge banner and it says I'll just read it to you even though i'm probably um This is probably propaganda Arguably subway tuna is real tuna That's right. The truth is subway uses wild caught skipjack tuna regulated by the food and drug administration A favorite among sub lovers our tuna is and always has been high quality premium and 100 real Now, we know there's been a lot of talk on this topic including misinformation generated in the media

So we created this page to set forth the facts and help clarify any misunderstandings myth the new york times reported the subway's premium fan favorite tuna wasn't actually tuna The new york times said our kick-ass tuna. Is it tuna? And and I would actually argue what you stated is a truth That is that did happen. That's not a myth Myth the new york times reported subway's premium fan favorite tuna wasn't actually tuna truth not true What actually happened is that the new york times commissioned a test that couldn't detect tuna dna in their sample Okay, but according to scientific experts, this is not unusual when testing cooked tuna

And it absolutely doesn't mean the sample that was tested contained zero tuna Do you understand? Oh, wait? I'm kind of swayed USA Today did an independent fact check of the new york times conclusion Which found it lacked important context about the limitations of dna testing in denatured proteins, which you would expect in a cooked Down tuna product. I see So by cooking the tuna all that important tuna dna They cook the dna right out of it. You you reduce it to create that strong tuna flavor Now they've got a chart here

That shows the sort of the flow of it Um And it says at the top of the chart subway tuna is real. Okay And they're just really banging that drum extremely hard one thing that would be I feel like use the problem is Is that we're getting into this like we've always been at war with Eurasia territory where the new york times our most respected Publication says this is not tuna and then so he says I believe you're mistaken. This is tuna. In fact, it's all tuna, baby Like there's no middle ground in this once one person just says this is absolutely not tuna

And subway says oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's tuna What they lack in this in this entire webpage is one picture of a man or woman catching a tuna and saying this is going straight to the subway I'm shipping this to subway you can watch I need to at this point fucking go pro a tuna Throughout the processing until it's in someone's mouth. Yeah, that's what I need. I need that level Does anybody read this? on the planet Does any sapient being on the planet earth read this website and go, you know what I could fucking go for right now You know what I would crush right about now. I'll tell you

It's kind of convincing your Travis now now listen now listen now listen now listen now listen now listen Am I saying I believe it was a hundred percent tuna? No, of course not. Am I saying I believe it's a hundred percent digestible. Yeah, sure And now listen guys, here's where the plot fucking gets really rippled Here's where the plot gets really thick the day And I'm looking at the time stamps here this story from grace dean and business insider about subway launching the tuna website is from july 14th The day before july 13th

In qsr magazine, which is my sort of go-to for quick service restaurant. I would trust them over anybody more than the new yorks They are the paper of record. Yeah, there's the new york times of burger boys Subway launches unprecedented campaign to support menu updates Okay, there's it's called the eat fresh refresh which features more than 20 changes to core items It will be supported with multi-platform content from steve curry serena williams Uh, uh, tom brady. Wait, are they all making sandwiches? It's an extraordinary group of athletes that reinforce the scope of these tremendous changes And embody the idea that to be fresh

You need to refresh. Hey, i'm tom brady and this is my sandwich two pieces of bread and then there's a Sealing sort of mattress between them and I just eat it. I eat all of it. Just so you guys don't think I'm making this up I have one of these ads for you right here. It's six seconds long. Here we go There's so much new at subway. It won't fit in one ad so there's sandwich in the sandwich ads between other ads That's a real one. Cool. That's a real ad a real six second ad that subway's doing right with charles barkley He's the new voice of of subway of that made it It it says here. I will lend his humor and familiar tone as the new voice of subway. I love that dude. Yeah I like his familiar tone

So it's a huge. I mean like there's all kinds of big changes like they improve their turkey ham steak and bacon Pretty low bar Well and the rotisserie chicken and they elevate that's a lot of protein. That's all of it guys Hey, well no griffin. It's not all of it. Oh, because that can you just get it? Is there one protein? Oh the tuna It's perfect Can't be improved. It's perfect and real and we can't evolve it because it's so real that it's a hundred percent tuna

We're you know what? In fact, now that we think about it It's great that you brought out how much we fucking love our tuna because we need to fix our chicken and bacon and everything else But tuna so we'll live up to the standards that are 100% Actual tuna is we asked Branson. We said hey while you're up there Keep your eyes out for space tuna because that's the only way it's getting better my man It's gotta help top this our other meats are if they come You know what honestly now that I think about it folks if they come for any of our other meats the bacon That's the old bets 100 percent. It's all belts

You got us. We've been doing plant-based chicken for 30 years. Okay. It's all fake bullshit, but the tuna It's perfect and real and it's real tuna What's a shame is that Branson could have found space tuna and come back and be like good new subway space tuna It's haste 100 percent better and fresher So go ahead and toss that on the menu and then dr. Subway was like We fucking we fuck we can't because everybody will think it's a new york times switcheroo swaparoonie dammit Fuck why did the new york times have to write that article so we can't put kick-ass space tuna in our sandwiches? The optics Branson are so bad

Again Oh my god, this is a quote from the ceo subway We've been working on this refresh for 15 to 16 months. And if you notice the one thing we did not touch is our tuna People love our tuna. We're very proud of our tuna. So I think that's really the end of the story Guys, that's just cool. They're like queen tumbling down comes by the way at the end of the story It's the CEO like oh So the last thing I wanted to say is that The tuna is real and we're all agreed on that and you could just put a period

Right there and that's the end of it And I feel like the one thing we could all agree on is that our bacon has always been bad and hopefully now it's better And that our tuna is real And that's it. That's the whole I love you. Bye Oh, we're sorry about jared by the way. Yeah, I'm sure we should say still sorry about jared For sure. Come on that one. But the tuna perfect tuna. Oh, baby. And um, I would say at this point With absolute certainty that the new york times is two biggest whoopsies

Was in this order number two, they're full-throated endorsement of the war in iraq And then number one when they fucking lied about subways tuna for some reason. Yeah, I don't get it I don't get it. Thanks you so much for listening to our podcast Which is this one my brother my brother and me. It's a it's a delight to have you with us as always Uh, thank you if you pre-ordered, uh, the adventure zone crystal kingdom, which is graph and all we work with our daddy based on our adventure zone podcast Uh, if you haven't gotten it yet, you can go to adventures the adventure zone comic dot com And buy a copy and that would just be the best We've also got a lot of new merch over at macquariemerch.com

We got a pen of the month gushi wolves from the ether c set up episodes Proceeds from that benefit the innocence project which exonerates the wrongly convicted through DNA testing and reforms the criminal justice system To prevent future injustice. We've got a really cute. I'm just gonna say it's trash sticker from the my brother my brother meet tv show a really cool Green stoneware mug with the taz logo on it and a besties video game club shirt Which I will be getting as a big fan. I brought a bunch of I bought like 30 of those Justin macaroids trash stickers to put on uh, my daughter's homework when it doesn't Cut the monster. It's weird that you did that. I wouldn't not a good person. I don't know what to tell you

Griffin tell us about the game Oh, you're talking about the adventure zone bureau balance game that you can play with friends Yeah, that one that's the one well two gather studios is the the the creator on that one And they are celebrating a safe return to the game table this summer with local retailer events giveaways and live streams of Of the bureau balance game, which if you haven't played it is a hoot and a half They're gonna have gameplay streams every Tuesday evening at 8 p.m. Eastern time at twitch.tv slash together studios and that's two gather studios

and You can follow together studio on twitter for weekly giveaways of swag from them and for a second the publisher of our Recently released graphic novel, which please please get it along those same lines I stream on twitch if you ever want to check that out twitch.tv slash the travis macro. I've been Getting good at overwatch I'd love to see that. I'm almost ready to do competition level Yeah, yeah, I've almost hit 25 god help us when travis puts that like laser like focus onto a game that has like competitive Yeah, well, this is

I'm getting paid to play video games in front of people. I'm a pro gamer Yep, I mean, you're basically put it on your card. Hey, thanks to montane for the use for a theme song My life is better with you. Uh, I mean, we can't we're behind the scenes on this one folks Oh, yeah, we we have the screw where it's so rare that we're the one that you put about the curtain. You know, we're also there Um, but it's it's coming. Hey, do you want the final yahoo? Yes, please this one was sent in by near This one's sent by normal from the garfield comments. Yeah, and uh, thank you normal. It's not asked by normal though

It's asked by um, james not normal. Yeah, it's asked by james um Who asks How many times have you Been to how many times have you gone to the movie store? how many times have you been to the movie store and They didn't have a cop. They didn't have a copy of your favorite movie Which was a walk to remember with mandy moore

Is your favorite movie? Thanks love james Why don't you show some i'm travis macroi i'm griffin mackleroy This is my brother my brother because your dad's grown the lips Oh Maximum fun org comedy and culture Artist-owned audience supported

Hey, i'm jordan morris creator of the max fun scripted sci-fi comedy podcast bubble We just released a special episode of bubble to celebrate the launch of our new graphic novel at sf sketchfest in 2019 We recorded a live show with allison becker eliza skitter mike mitchell cristela elonzo and special guests gene gray jonathan colton jesse thorn nick weiger and a bunch of other cool folks We suspect he'll show signs of mutation when in a state of excitement now annie matched with him on tinder So she's gonna act as the honeypot I do enjoy being called a honeypot Hey, you know what's better than honey?

gravy Oh, yeah, can I be the gravy sack? Out now on maximum fun org and wherever you get podcasts and pick up the graphic novel at your local bookstore today