My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 587: How Travis Got His Woof Back

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

It’s a holiday treat from your favorite brothers, serving up hot side dishes of unexpected rom-coms, unrealistic self-improvement, and understated casseroles. Suggested talking points: Notting Thrill, Twince Vaughn, Gooshers, Special Rubber Sweat-Free Clothes, You Loyal! Lemon Pepper, Fifty Shades of Beige Native Women Lead: https://www.nativewomenlead.org/ First Nations Development Institute: https://www.firstnations.org/ Harmony House: https://harmonyhousewv.com/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed Travis insists. He's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up you cool, baby? Precious friendship Could have never seen what was coming for me hangs at the skate park hangs by the beach my life It feels It's better it's better

It's better it's better It's better it's better Hello everybody and welcome to my brother my brother and me an advice show for the Montanera. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother Travis big dog woof woof McElroy. He's back He's back on that horse. Good job. Try this is Griffin McElroy the youngest one of them guys We've got a watch. I'm really excited big budget rom-com movies are back. They're back coming Valentine's Day 2022 if I could say just like movies for adults, you know Finally finally adult films are back shit

They're back marry me starring Jennifer Lopez aka J. Lo and Oh and Wilson aka Oh Will and I'm so excited classic pairing Oh my god, let me tell you this is a buy the book right down the line. Thank you classic story Right, so here it is J. Lo. Can I guess can I guess actually just yes in the title not knowing okay? marry me story of Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson. They are at a wedding venue in Vegas like a Cineplex of wedding venues and they're getting married But then they look across at the other venue like across the hallway and they see each other and they like

Want to switch and so they switch Marrieds this is starting to feel like a Stanley Kubrick. Yeah, like a psycho sexual Are their partners also cool with this? Yeah, they love it. Oh, they're cool with it. They definitely like it That's actually less Less than the actual marry me plot Well, then but then Owen Wilson and J. Lo they were originally gonna get married They switched and now they have to find their way back together. Oh, okay. Oh, they were originally gonna get married Yeah, but then they have to go through two very messy divorces and that sort of legal

Battle is what occupies most of the runtime of the film. It's like Kramer versus Kramer versus Kramer versus Kramer No, which is the alternate title screenwriter John Rodgers of leverage and magicians and a lot of other fame Wouldn't deliver such a let's say milk toast plot as you've just outlined Griffin the marry me plot John Rod You know, he's a family show right what? Yeah, I did. No, I know he and I talked about this movie last night I'm legitimately excited about this. Okay, so here's what happens. Hear me out. Okay J. Lo big famous musician Big like famous famous famous and she is gonna get married to her fiance on Stage in front of like the crowd and a live stream of 20 million people while they debut their new song marry me

But just before the concert. Oh Also cut to Owen Wilson single dad his friend Sarah Silverman Convinces him to take his teenage daughter with them to go to the concert, right? Just before the concert J. Lo discovers that her fiance has been cheating on her So she goes on stage by herself and she's like I was supposed to get married But you know, sometimes things happen. She sees Owen Wilson holding a sign says marry me and she goes, okay Yes, and then they get married on stage Wait, what just like right then just right then baby, and that's the beginning of the movie

That's the beginning of the movie. What happens next then they have to fall in love. Oh Marriage before the love but see here's the thing Justin. Here's the thing She's super famous and he's like a math teacher or some shit. So she's not boring He's like a boring is Elch. No one cares about exactly and he's not ready for it And then people are live streaming and they're like he looks like he's in math club And he's like I am in math club because he's a fucking dork. Oh Why not call this movie nodding thrill Like she leads this thrilling, you know rock star lifestyle

And then they get married at first sight another real television show in the lifetime network. Thank you very much for that gift So like I this sounds like an exciting film, but I've seen about 11 seasons of it Well, here's the thing I assume that they haven't given everything away in the trailer Which is a very good trailer by the way. So maybe I don't know there might be like a zombie attack in it or something Oh, can I give you a different just to spin it a little bit? She looks out and sees someone in the audience and she's like fuck it Yeah, let's get married you and on Wilson's like yeah, and he gets up on stage and she was like no not you Oh, the big the big the big hunky boy right behind you and it's been you should walk. It's it is the

The hunkiest boy Vince Vaughn Climbing this current movie Yeah, they're back and it's they're back together him and on Wilson the dream team fucking Dr. Hard body Vince Vaughn And that's and that's gonna be but then oh Wilson's so embarrassed But there's another person in the audience that sees sado and Wilson on stage and it's like I'll marry you and Then we're getting closer back to the plot of my original pitch for marrying me Um, can the person who then is like I'll marry you be a bigger like more famous star than or stronger or harder body

Harder body no one's stronger or harder Then Vince Vaughn. Yeah. Oh my god. You're right. Maybe it is also Vince Vaughn. It's Vince Vaughn's twin brother twins Vaughn No, yeah, I real quick. I come I came up with a new bit. It's just called lightning round impression Okay, oh of Owen Wilson. No, it's yeah, it's like we all go around we have to go to circle and anybody can call this at any point Right, but it's a lightning round. I'm only explain the rules once Okay, okay lightning round you just call it and then everybody has to immediately do their impression of the person in order I called it so I get to go last. Okay, Griffin. Who are you calling? Is it on Wilson or Vince Vaughn? Let's start with a neutral. Okay. You want me to start? Yeah

I'm a rhyme. Oh me. I'm a royal tenant bomb. No, you're not even trying. Okay. Here's mine. Oh, wow It's me on Wilson. I'm I'm marrying jail. Oh, this is so weird. Oh, fuck I was doing Luke Wilson in Royal Tenant Bombs. Okay, you try again And then I'll be my Luke Wilson doing an Owen Wilson impression, which I'm okay. Okay Come on big come on big blue. It's old-school time. It's pretty good. Here's my fuck that was Luke Well, I did lose died did fucking Luke again. What's Owen Wilson look like? What's his deal? He's the one with like the blonde hair Oh

Right from bottle rock. Right. Right. Right. Right. Most well-known from bottle rock. Okay. I'll do kind of one now. Yeah Yeah, sure Damn it Dennis get off of my petunias. No, that's that's pretty good. That was mr. Wilson. Okay. That's mr. Wilson Please mr. Wilson is my father call me Owen. Let me try let me try one more. I'm sorry. Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, stupid Well, Tim, I'll tell you what you got to do differently. Okay. I don't love your wife and your kids Hey, Tim stop being a complete dipshit all the time Let me try let me try one more real quick and I promise I won't fuck. I won't fuck this one up That's

Thank you, you know what griff. Yeah, I had it in my heart and I didn't think it would land So I thank you for going there because it didn't put me in the headspace to scoop you up. Yeah, sure Who used to pick the next one? This is fun. I like it now. That's it Yeah, it's just somebody comes up in conversation. Oh, right. Right. I think anybody can call it whenever because it's like I feel like if we're gonna start referencing these people we have to prove our bonafides Yeah, some expertise or else we're Joe or else. What do we even do? What are we doing here? Yeah? Yeah I'll tell you what we're doing here friends. It's an advice show. Really? We help. Yes. Okay. We help you the lip sinners Okay, we help you the listeners and yeah, you know

Do we we the people? Whoa? Hey, brothers, I live the end of the hallway in my apartment building next to each door is a wall socket Someone put one of those plug-in air fresher next to my door But no one else's oh man Wait, hold on but no one else's I don't think my apartment stinks Trash or unkempt kitty litter or anything and the hallway and building doesn't smell bad So I'm on a loss here. Do I leave it and have everyone think my apartment stinks?

Do I remove it? Did I put the the landlord put it there? Was it a rude tenant? Help me? That's from putrid apartment in Portland PS if it matters. Thank you for this. Yes. Yeah, thank you for this Cuz you could have just kept that quietly to yourself and been worried about it like internally like I don't know But and says you chose to tell us and tell the world Thank you need to you need to pretend like we're the doctor and you're like I do have this weird when I move my arm like this It makes me barf. You know, and it's like and then you don't want to leave the room like should I have told about that one? If you're gonna tell anyone about moving your arm and it making you barf it should be a doctor just to be clear

Yes, if it matters is a generic flower smell. Yeah, okay, you know what fucks this up for me is by the way I remembered another Wilson impression Is that Wilson Wilson that's Wilson Phillips Wilson Wilson Wilson Wilson Wilson All right, so what fucks this up for me is that they live at the end of the hallway If it was in the middle of the hallway, you could say oh, they just placed it there for maximum dispersal of the Flower scent you live at the end of the hallway. That is covering at best. You know 10 feet It's like just for you. It's only for you. There's no other argument I'll tell you what has to be because of some something you did

I'll tell you what I'm worried about what I'm worried about smell acclimation Where you get in there and you're like woo something sounds bad, right? But then like 20 minutes later, you're like, oh, I guess it went away, but it didn't go away It's just faded into background smell for you, right and then somebody like else comes in like what smells so bad You're like what oh no, right? Like this is what I'm worried about is this might not even be your fault You might have an inherently stinky apartment that this landlord knows is a problem, right? That they were hoping you wouldn't notice when you ran it That's why when you came in all the windows were open, right when you first moved in cuz he knows it's stinky in there, right?

There's some kind of like smell poltergeist and that smells never going away and Now he's just trying to give you a big boost of smell as you walk in So you won't notice it every time and complain cuz he's not gonna open up the walls and get whatever is in there out I'm such an old man when I heard read this all I think was like who's paying the bill for those outlets up there Oh boy. Yeah an attended outlet. Who's picking that up? Are you are you paying the electric bill for the? Air freshener someone saddled you with hey wait Hey, just life hack if each apartment's paying for their own

She's plugging an extension cord in someone else's outlet and running into your house Yes, how we're everything off of one power strip my dude free power off You can power the hot plate your parents sent you and your guitar amp. Hell yeah, dude The whole everything dude. Yeah, man Are your keys down the people waiting by the paper even better dude just Rewire an outlet so it goes out the wall instead into the wall right and then move out of the apartment Park your van right next to the apartment building run an extension cord up to that outlet boom Free me were it couldn't have been easy. It couldn't have been easier. That's what they won't tell you

I know this hack. They don't know. I don't know how your place smells, you know Yeah, that they say that I heard a life hack that if you're gone on vacation for a while when you Get back pay really good attention to how your house smells because that's how it smells to guests Where'd you hear that life hack Justin? Probably on tiktok. Yeah, probably and it's like Okay, but what I do with that, you know, I mean, yeah, it's just my house has a smell everybody's house I have to smell well, that's why I remember J. W. Neal's house had a great smell because he was the richest kid I knew yeah, and like that was right Baker. Yeah, man His house smell great and then like he would come to school and his clothes smell billy's house

Oh, yeah, I'm like, how do you smell rich? That's amazing. It's not so good. I'm doing awesome That's why I mean for me. It was if I if I smelled gushers and like you guys got Yeah, they had like gushers if they maybe it was just like a psychosomatic thing We're like I saw them have Pringles and gushers in their lunchbox and I was like damn So whenever I go to their house, I'm like, oh, this is the Pringles and gushers kids Smells fucking great in here. Yeah I got a knockoff star crunch in here. Yeah, I've labeled it's labeled crisp disc I've got

Longle's like gushers in here. Oh, no Mom said that's with gushers. Hey, what do you want to trade? I can't sit to the principal's office because I just sit the name of my snap treat out loud I exclaimed gushers and I got a pig's toe to the school psychologist guidance counselor you're going to Jarodc, but it's but it's called goose not a good gushers. It's a brand really good Really good if you try them you get used to it. That's what it says in the box Gushers you get used to them after a while fuck. Yeah, I got I got a hot pocket Pringles and gushers

What'd you get Griffin? Um an uncooked raw egg and Prongies and Gushers If you eat them all if you get it all in one bite, it's pretty good Egg and prongies and gushers liquid filled and no one knows why yeah, don't leave the factory that way That's the surprise it keeps you guessing Can you go to your landlord and say it's a medical Stink and then you can't do anything about it. This just makes it worse

You upset the medical stink when you try to get rid of it and it comes back in full force My wife would flip us to me did this because she's got allergies Yeah, my wife. Yeah, she hates Richard stink my friend wishes sink because Because it bothers your allergies never I told her she didn't have to worry about that until our first episode of winter when he'll be back Like frosty the snowman, you know, I'll be back someday. Yeah, but every season only quarterly. Yeah, um, he does our Like a financial report with investors and talk about, you know, even on some of the other You know ROI and so the big names big hey, can we

Can we supplicate ourselves and in front of the wizards? I'm kind of saving myself for that for marriage. Thank you. Okay. Well, Gwilliam sent this one in. Thank you. It's It's a wiki how article it was there's always a thing that says author info But it never like actually says who the offer the author is. It's just sort of a collaborative team effort on behalf of How anyway, this is how to be perfect. Oh parentheses kids slash teens. Oh And it makes me feel bad This article does because pretty much everything on it. I didn't

Do or even attempt to do so that makes me think that I was a a real stinker of a kid slash teen Because these steps I just never it would never be stuff I was interested in like step one make your bed as soon as you wake up. Okay now wait hold on hold on hold on When you say many children many children don't often do this So it'll be a nice present for you. So you're saying how to be perfectly behaved for appears not how to be the like perfect like No, we will get to more stuff But like you got to have a launch pad and making your bed immediately in the morning the second you wake up Um

Like you're frightened of the bed and you must clean it so to leave no trace of yourself Which including the last line in this this little article This this part of the article check for any stains or linkering odor from your pillow case bed sheet or blanket and toss them into the washing machine Oh, so every morning then Every morning that I can't make my bed immediately in the morning because I have to wash Pretty much all those things pillowcase bed sheet. Are you washing again? Yeah, I'm perfect Yeah, I'm doing a perfect job. I left a small stain I left a small stinky stain and you guys shouldn't have to interface with that

Debra and Mike you guys have a lot on your plate. I'm washing my bedding a lot Now yeah, it's like your bedding is like a promise you made to yourself that you're worth it You know what I mean? Yeah, you can go along no one's will ever say this is a life hack They don't they don't know I know this No one will ever say anything about it. You know what I mean? But you might you must as a gift to yourself watch your bedding. Yeah, that's true Not none of my friends are coming over to hang out being like oh man Is that a new glass and did you wash your bedding like nobody?

People will notice almost all other laundry you do right if you don't do any other laundry, but this is the one where it's like It's for you. Yeah, I mean like this is laundry Sure, like when I wash my toilet paper and put it back out everybody appreciates that like how did you wash the toilet paper? That's nice, but no one ever notices when I change the bedding, you know Because then I put the duvet over it anyways, right? So you don't even sometimes I just leave the sheets off there and I like to rub around on that weird silky feeling top of the mattress Yeah, hey, you guys are Not perfect kids or teens yet like you have only covered a single facet of it. I wish you guys

Very next one number two prepare nutritional breakfast On the there's a picture and it looks like just a slice of uncooked bread with It looks like a hundred basil leaves spread across it with a sunny-side-up egg on top of the basil leaves. Yum. Yum. Good morning Whip up a bowl of porridge with plump juicy berries cinnamon nuts and whatever you like on top that will keep you full until lunchtime Don't be tempted to eat those sugary cereals not a big fan of porridge No, there are plenty of there are plenty of other healthy breakfast options to choose from like egg bread leaf toast Like leaf toast egg egg egg leaf toast one of the like biggest disappointments of being an adult There's so many of them, but one of them is I really thought that when I became an adult

I would just know what a quote-unquote balanced breakfast was because it seemed like a thing that everybody talked about on TV all the time And then I'm 38 now and I'm still like does that mean like bread and fruit does that mean I got has an OJ in there They only used that phrase When talking about Cocoa crisps or whatever because they could be like make sure you eat it as part of a healthy balanced breakfast my cocoa crispy What is it balancing out? What's the other side? Right? Counteract that by eating just a fistful of metamucil and ride that shit right to school You're gonna be high as a kite all fucking day Derek gotta balance the highs and lows man

You can't just do the cocoa busy guy hit that with some Quaker Oats You got to bring yourself down with with Clean up after yourself wash the bowl spoon and cup and put it in the dishwasher again. Leave no trace You cannot you when your parents friends come over they need to be able to say Where is Derek and your parents should be able to say So far this article could have also been titled how to live in someone's walls without being the stuff All right God get ready for school head back upstairs

This is literally a checklist that your you teens and kids should be following head back upstairs grab a toothbrush Squeeze out some toothpaste and brush away and dry toothbrush thoroughly replace This is symbol toothbrush and hide it back in the Set a timer for two minutes and don't forget to use floss and mouthwash Use a gentle face wash hurry Mary will be up soon Yes, do something cute yet simple with your hair like pigtails messy bun, etc It's in winter wear some nice warm pants and jeans. It's just like Good get clothes on nothing with inappropriate messages since almost like he gave him big trouble. Duh

I'm trying to be a perfect human being of course. I'm not gonna wear like a fuck Mondays sweater or something What if it has an asterisk in the view? Oh Yeah, I don't know. There's more perfect stuff pack everything in your backpack, etc Pack a healthy lunch. Okay, just make it if it's a lunch you like but it's unhealthy Make it healthier by using less salt oil fat and adding I'm 12. Yeah, when I'm Yes, when I make a pepperoni and mustard sandwich, it's tough to Healthify that hey mom. I got my lunch. Can you run this pepperoni through the dishwasher real quick? Just get some of that oil off

Can you dehydrate this before tomorrow mommy, who are you have to get my house? Oh, right, right, right, right Well, I blew it participate participating class raise your hand. Don't fit fiddle with things on your desk I don't need a class and you play the fiddle Yeah, another great point Travis. Thank you. Do your homework This is the second time that it is mentioned doing your homework for the day Number nine go to your room and change out of your school clothes Hang it up in a place. That's nice and tidy in your heart into a bag. See a little light What are you talking seal up a bag and seal all of your farts?

You must do this bury them in the backyard at night. So no one sees Eat your dinner make sure it's floppy sloppy hogs. Just kidding. It needs to be Vegetables Remind me what we're trying to achieve with perfect child. So sure Justin work how to be perfect kid slash So far we got barrier leaving This is gonna cover you from like age 4 to 19 This is a good 15 years of your life that you need to be doing That accumulates on your parents like a plank. Yeah, can we agree?

We're all parents in the school if one day my child started doing these things. They're like, oh, no They killed someone they're red. They're flying as low off the grid as a child possibly can they did some shit The best part of eat your dinner is if you can't eat your dinner anymore Give it to one of your siblings and take smaller portions next time. Awesome. Cool. Hey, does anybody want my? My veggie pile because I only got through like a third of it if anybody's feeling like cauliflower broccoli and peppers I want you to I want you to have this for me now and for the next I have to say once again I got two kids if we be trying to pull that shit. I was like, I'll just give this the dot I'd be like that's not perfect eat it. That's not perfect at all. You must eat this you must have this

And then read a book for a while if you can't go to sleep set an alarm to go off an hour before school starts So you can get ready Huh, I feel like my entire like primary school going career. I made a game out of How little how close you can I give them how close I can cut it? I wanted I wanted to make sure I left a window so I could watch a pop-up video in the morning before catching a bus Yeah, other than that. Yeah, absolutely. I had a when I was in college I invented a class before my world history class that I could be pissed off at every time I showed up late to world history class. Oh, like oh this fucking guy you wouldn't believe it

Again with this fucking shit this guy and the fit the literally like probably 10th time I did it the teacher is like I'm gonna need his phone number. I'm gonna call this teacher This is gone. This is ridiculous. I'm like, oh, no, he would you don't know this guy's I'll take care of it. He'll cut you down in the streets. You don't want to mess with the last teacher But did that dad? Yeah, his name is Carl real guy Real son of a bitch There's some real cool extra tips on here But the best one is magazines and TV are fine in moderation

But you should try reading novels or other nonfiction texts truth can be stranger than fiction. It's true This is my perfect son. He's gonna play with you guys today. Cool. We're watching Pokemon Oh, you know, does anybody want to read infinite jest? You know what I've got here stranger Audubon's guide to birds and that's kind of like real life We're playing fortnight idiot. Um, actually I'm perfect Corrupted what did you have for breakfast this morning, huh chicken nuggets and pudding Beep beep beep beep. Oh, hold on. I gotta go change clothes

Gotta get a slip into something a little Close the mother must not wash them. I Have special clothes that I'm allowed to sweat into Your special rubber sweat-free clothes there is there are no community questions on this the community read this article And they're like, yeah, got it sounds good to me sounds good. Yeah, don't expect to be perfect in one day It'll take time. Well, that's a shitty like excuse That's it. I need to start being you can't tell me how to be perfect and then I knowingly continue to be Unperfect I have to immediately there's nothing in a list that you couldn't just change in a day

Right, there's nothing complicated here But I do like Griffin this article because it now begs the question what the target audience is Because if there's a child who wishes to be perfect, they're probably already doing these things And so is there an imperfect? Yeah, though. There's like there's gotta be a better way Every morning. I just eat some absolute dog shit. I'm wearing these stinky old clothes for six days in a row. This can't be it This whole article was written by an incredibly overbearing parent to relieve other incredibly overbearing parents who like get on Google one day and they're like, I mean Jimmy's got straight A's and the body of an Olympic athlete, but Is perfect though

I'm I doing a perfect I like how to be the super coolest kid and then that one kid with like the really nice haircut We'll think you're cool and it's just all these things and it's Because that's the only way a kid is ever gonna buy into this Absolutely, how how how Connor can become the Basketball captain and get a hundred dates read it up Connor check it out someone wrote an article just for you, but Yeah, you got to stop smoking Connor that's on there. Sorry that is on there. Sorry well I think it's a high time that we take a break. Thank you. We're working so hard Yeah, it's hard work and it's time for us to earn our money. Oh

It's in the money zone. Okay. Come on Good place. Get in the sun car. Okay, good state. Mm-hmm. I'm in There's two of there's two of them one on either side makes it look like a boner boner bike. It's cool It's cool Damn, I don't know if you've noticed when you shut the fuck up I don't know if you've noticed friends And when I'm coming up with great skits to entertain my family loving fans I love to go to the post office

But if you're anything like me that you noticed it's the lines you get a little bit longer People are starting to do some of that. Uh, you know huge pile of sweaters to mail But there's a way around the crowds and not all the mess. You just go stamps.com You got a selling online. You got a little side hustle I do your business person going to the post office a lot stamps.com can save you a lot of time Money and stress during the holidays you get discounts there. You wouldn't find anywhere else like 40 off usps rates and Get this 76 off

UPS well, that's more than 75 percent Yeah, if you spend more than a few minutes a week dealing with mail and shipping sams.com Is a lifesaver. I mean literally right because you're getting about these precious minutes that you need to run your small business or Watch Curse of Oak Island. Yeah, save time and money this holiday season with stamps.com Sign up with promo code my brother for a special offer that includes a four-week trial free postage and a digital scale No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com click a microphone at the top of the page and enter code

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Hi, it's jesse thorn the founder of maximum fun It's the Thanksgiving season and I want to take this opportunity to thank you the members of maximum fun This max fund drive your generosity and your love of pins Helped us raise over $90,000 to help bridge the digital divide Families without internet access struggle to do things that the rest of us might take for granted Especially during covet going to school applying for jobs fighting medical care Your donations help the nonprofit everyone on They provide equipment services and training to get people online so they can access opportunity

You can find out more about the great work everyone on does at everyone on dot org Thanks for supporting maximum fun. Thanks for supporting everyone on and thanks for being awesome people who want to do good in the world I Was on a zoom meeting with my boss and around five other people and my boss was sharing her screen She clearly forgot because I watched in horror as she pulled up A chat window to me and started talking smack about another person on the call. Oh my god Nobody mentioned anything and the meeting just awkwardly ended with nobody saying anything about it My boss still seems completely unaware

That her screen was live. My question is do I mention this to her After the fact so she can make amends with this other person or do I just let it go? I have to work with this other person and i'm pretty sure it's going to be awkward now Even though I didn't respond in the initial chat while everyone was watching Irrelevant. I think very relevant but also shameful Yeah, I would say semi relevant Well, it is your boss, right? You don't want to be like actually Lictoria is a friend of mine and I

Think that she does not have a silly fresh name and I think that you're being rude Yeah, no, I'm saying the fact that you did not chat back is irrelevant because in Lictoria's mind She's like also they go. Oh, yeah No one sees that especially like while a meeting is still going on and thinks this is the first time they've ever done this I think you have to go um to Lictoria and be like that's pretty fucked up. What was that all about? Does she does she talk bad about me to you? Yeah, this is gonna have to be like when you play your parents to go to a sleepover And you kind of got to play you got play play both sides of it

Like when I used to go to mom and then I would go to dad in both times I'd be like I want to go to a sleepover And that didn't work because it was nothing so maybe this is you didn't you hadn't gotten an invitation You're just excessive that you wish you had been invited to a sleepover. There's very little they could do about that Yeah, I would go to dad and I'd be like Mom said I could go to a sleepover and I'd do the same thing to mom But then both of them would talk to each other and be like son you didn't get invited to a sleepover And then I would have to be like

Yeah, I did a real cool one. So this is going to be more or less just that exact same play Hmm I I think you're probably lucky that no one is ever paying attention to a zoom meeting ever. Yeah, that is a good point What's the yeah, no one is lucky like if someone starts sharing their screen with me That is an open invitation to go to another tab and check my fantasy football scores right

This is okay. Absolutely. Okay. Sorry. I'm trying to make this show more relatable to a broader audience I'm trying to start everyone just heard a different uh activity that I could have been doing. It's it's a algorithmically generated for you Yeah, that's awesome. Nobody said anything, right? Nobody even like reacted Then no one was paying attention because if that had happened and anyone was they would have done like a uh um No, no, they would have sang completely much. What? Because they're not getting dragged into it. They're not because we go party to it Yeah, this is this is a we're playing werewolf at this point because there's like there's no way of knowing

Who knows what but for me? It's more about percentages. There's there's six people on this call, right? Oh, no, no, no wait the question asker the boss and five other people So there's seven people on this call, right? Yeah, don't think about yourself or your boss There's five other people that could have potentially seen this and you know I mean if lectoria saw it's it's game over whatever So there's four other people that if one of them saw it, you know, they're going to tell lectoria, right? Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay. The next time you see lectoria Do you need to do some leading like, huh? What a meeting, huh?

Oh that meeting, huh? But if lectoria knows like if lectoria knows that it was your boss chatting to you She is going to be aggro crag From the from the start of that conversation then maybe you're just like poof that meeting Right and like yeah Do you have This is why hr does exist though? Like this is this it shouldn't be your unless you are hr or if your boss. This is a whole nother or if lectoria is hr

Oh, that's hey lectoria. I just wanted to complain about I have an issue I need to bring to you about uh, this person I work with let's call her victoria. No wait Um, Jesus, this is a bad you've got it. Okay. Take it to hr assuming one of the three of you is not hr if you're hr Then just consider it resolved Yeah, you have to get you have to get a different job or a dress. I think there's two options. Oh and this economy Oh no, I know Try not to fuck it up next time. So I guess this is a learning experience. Good luck with your new part Your new employment

Yeah, but then you get the different job and you're in a zoom meeting And then the boss of the new job is talking to one of his flunkies and he's like Man gregory sure sucks shit. I heard he quits whenever he sees some dank shit on a screen share He doesn't have a real coward kind of a world competitive world of auto detailing This dumb shit just can't keep his mouth shut, huh? And then like there's no winning in that one If this ever happens again, god forbid it ever does when you get that message into you you respond something along the lines of Uh, who is this or I think you sent this to the wrong person or what good joke? Ha ha ha. That's another good one

Oh, is it sarcastic day again? That's a good one Oh, oh go to lictoria and say like pretty funny, huh? You did you buy it? Did you see like that was a prank we okay hilarious prank we did I can't believe we were wavy to say something So we could be like ah prank time And but then you're gonna have to get your boss in on the like it was a prank And there's no way they're gonna be able to like pull that off like yeah, I'm into pretty transgressive stuff I think some real I'm on I'm on some real andrew dice clay shit. I think once you introduce them like hey You fucked up real bad, but we can turn this around. I just need you to stay with me on this one. Okay, follow my lead. We can fix this

Mm-hmm. That's I tell you who's fat is really in the fire here. It's your boss Yeah Let it be because yeah, listen lictoria might be a little piss at you But a much bigger issue is the person in charge just like hey this fucking girl over here. Am I right? The in front of like the entire zoom call your damage is minimal You could just you should if it had been if you've been thinking quickly you could have been like What a great joke boss. I love saying that about a person that we really care about

Yeah, just as a good respect so much, but it's because we'd never say that in front of them on a zoom call It's a it's past that point now though, right? So now you're gonna have to get help of all of your other co-workers And we're reaching. Yes pretty gaslighty territory at this point That is probably a bridge too far But if you can get the rest of your co-workers to casually drop in conversation like Oh Derek and the boss. Yeah, they're the real like hearty boys of the uh, of the

I don't think the hearty boys are always pranking people, right? They're the real jerky boys of the skype generation. No, the jerky boys were the ones who solved crimes Yeah, I got them flipped and switched just a little bit Uh I was Welcome to my squatters podcast with in a podcast profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating I wanted to wait until we did a second question because I have so much fucking shit to go through This month the segment is back and better than ever and I

Normally I would not burn this many things in one episode, but there's so much to cover Honestly, okay. Did you guys hear that DJ Khaled is doing a wing thing? He's doing a wing thing Another wing is what it's called. Wait, what? Yeah, DJ Khaled's doing a wing store of a chicken wing restaurant. It's a virtual concept called another wing And it's um, it's a DJ Khaled um Wing store instead of wait, but I'm the type the name I don't understand why you're confused legitimately It's DJ Khaled. There's no I get that. Hey, that's not the thing

I'm trying to figure out if another wing is a play on words or some kind of it's a it's a play on another one Of course it is another Another one DJ Khaled. Okay, but there's but it's more like another thing than that No, but Travis it's DJ Khaled says another one. I know that But it's just one of his great say but then you just switched one whole word. That's not a play on words You just changed one word to a different word Like just real quick. I have so much other shit to go through. This is not even the story this week I just want to tell you guys the flavors

Uh, an unbelievable buffalo. Okay, don't quit Nashville hot. Huh you loyal lemon pepper Honey, honey, hot sriracha and the signature. They don't want you to win truffle. Oh, wow I'm a little lost on how it but okay, you could or Can order a la carte or choose from combos like the all I do is wing See now that's good your key meal. I like to his wing is amazing play on words another wing All I do is wing Maybe would have been a better. Yeah, but I'm not here to get I bet all I do is wing was the first thing They came up with like before even the concept of a restaurant

Like yeah, he was yeah, he just said it wrong one day and they were like, well, let's do Excuse me Khaled. Did you say I'll do his wing? Uh Yeah It's um A combo of rest. It's a restaurant. I'm doing you're doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I didn't misspeak. It's a restaurant Um, I wanted to just walk you guys through some of the um Thanksgiving offerings from brand eating because you know They're not content to let you eat at home with your family. Nope

Um, and there's a there there's a kind of different varieties. There's like some people are doing like Stuff for you to if you want to bring the flavor of fast food to your dining table a lot of people have that for you thank god 7-Eleven is celebrating the season with the Thanksgiving turkey sub boy It's packed with butterball turkey sharp white cheddar cheese and cranberry mayo I'd fuck that up. The debut of 7-Eleven signature stuffing flavored roll You read that right the roll is stuffing flavored What's the roll the roll of the bread roll the sandwich the bun is a sub. It's a sub the bun

Oh, the bun is stuffing flavored and it's the debut of it I would have to also imagine it is the finale The grand finale because like what are the applications beyond this Thanksgiving sub stuffing is 90% bread and like Rosemary and sage anyways You know, so they put some of that in there. Yeah, never it's brandy, but whatever man Um, the there's a lot to be thankful for this year says varisha. Sharif the 7-Eleven fresh fruit product director We know how much our customers look forward to our seasonal offerings And we're delighted to contribute to the fun and spirit of Thanksgiving with satisfying food that reminds our customers

Of those comforting holly day moments So just uh, just a quick reminder The spirit of Thanksgiving is like coming together with those you love and be a family or found family to share an experience together And so here is a sandwich you bought at 7-Eleven Yeah, if you want to be reminded of of better Thanksgiving's while you're sitting in the passenger seat of your Ford Fiesta because there's because the driver seat is too stained Then uh, this is the sandwich for you and it says here. What would a Thanksgiving turkey sub do without a side of chips, huh? Oh, no, you fucking hold on just fucking tell me what is it with the side of chips? It's an all new experience

If we are trying to normalize My son hates all Thanksgiving food. So if we want to start normalizing throwing some On the table too Have your have your stuffing have your corn, you know salad and all of your other wild Not ordinary foods on Thanksgiving. Put some chips in there. How about some dino shaped chicken nuggets? Thank you. Oh my god. Yes Hey, why are there turkey nuggets? Get my five-year-old in the mix Don't oh, we're very close to the beef nugget discourse again, which I would rather take 10 steps away

The honey baked ham company is rolling out some holiday meal options Wait for Thanksgiving because stay out of this honey baked ham. No, are you kidding me? You can't find turkeys except if our honey baked ham is how to get them. What? Yeah, it's like a turkey shortage behind big ham. They know a guy who knows guy There's different options here And for the season host There's a signature ham and turkey feast that will feed all guests With leftovers to follow and you can choose from some fine sides like a cranberry walnut chutney

Or or a green bean casserole. Okay, and then it says here my mouth is literally a second option here is For a small party of ham lovers That's not what we call ourselves Honey, honey, what should we put on our wedding rsvp's? Um We want it to sound pretty casual. Can we call it a small gathering? I said we like to pork to pork Try different for a small party of ham lovers

Try honey baked bone in quarter ham meal. What it's a quarter ham imagine if you got a small party of ham lovers together on this On the the agreement that you were all ham lovers and you unwrapped a delicious quarter of a ham For everyone to enjoy as as the four of you huddled in the darkness lest you be exposed as you enjoy your quarter ham Meet at the sign of the ictus and there we We shall consume our beloved ham For the traditional holiday host. Wait, what's that? There's a fleck of something in the corner of our mouth. He's that is that turkey?

What no For the There's a anyway, but first brunch. This is the fourth option for those who cannot wait till dinner. Try the new honey baked brunch That comes with a quarter ham Throw it all in honey, baby. What the fuck? It comes with a honey ham two heat and serve sized Honey baked bacon and coffee cake. This will have you ready for a nap. Yeah, is that what it says for the main attraction It just says that yeah, this will have you ready for an hour. I know thyself. I love that

Yeah, this is perfect. That's a perfect way to gear up for the big show Uh, let's see what else real quick. Uh taco bell unveils a new friends giving party packs. Yeah Yeah, so they got um if this really actually pisses me off because to get this one You had to be a member of their rewards community and you have to have reached fire reward status To gain exclusive access. I anybody should be able to buy anything. Okay Also, do they give it those awards out retroactively? Uh, because i'm pretty sure I could qualify. Yeah, just based on 1995 and 1996 Yeah, there's uh, they got cinamon delights candy. Hey, wait taco bell. You're listening lifetime achievement award. That's all you um

The cinamon delights candy yams its sugar spice and everything nice this decadent holiday dish is just like your mom's classic recipe with a taco bell twist It's just like it rolls with hot sauce packet butter. Is butter a carb? Who cares when it's blended with can I stop you there? It's it's not also if you're having rolls with it, you're worried about the wrong thing being a carb or not Yeah, you've just you put in a placeholder sentence there and didn't really Green bean casserole supreme. It's got all the cheesy and craveable components of a taco supreme The classic side dish just got upgraded to your favorite guilty pleasure. Oh my fairy ld pleasure green beans with garbage Does it include green beans because it just says it includes all the ingredients of a taco supreme? Nope. Nope. It's a classic side dish

It's reheatable but comes in talk about bakeware, which is like so fucking cold Which is like so fucking cold. Oh my god. I love that furious It's literal fiesta bakeware. It's not a taco with green beans in it though. It's yeah, thank you Travis Uh, yeah, it's a green beans casserole, but the stuff that makes it a casserole is like taco stuff. You understand nasty I love it. Yeah. Yeah, I understand it sounds fucking bad Bill true dessert nachos chocolate caramel sauces plus unique talk about crunchy toppings for your palates to drizzle over triangle shaped shortbread cookies. Yes These these this is the last sense of this these flips on the tradition

We're created by Come on. You were so close. You lost me at the end so close Okay, last one real quick Crystal restaurants, you know crystal. That's when you can't you don't want to drive to white castle You go to crystal. They got these tiny hamburgers Um, and that's the the brand there They're bringing back their signature secret stuffing. Yes, finally crystal restaurants The original quick service restaurant chain in the south

Is bringing back their stuffing recipe just in time for Thanksgiving and the holiday season The recipe features the popular crystal burgers with a unique spin on an already classic dish look Stuffing is the star of the Thanksgiving table And this recipe ensures that your star shines brighter than them all Says all of alice crowder. Hey, alice. You know, that's not true No, the star is stuffing and this is the brightest one in the galaxy But kids don't like sit around in kindergarten tracing their hands to make stuffing pictures

They could and now actually I've said it like I know I'd love to see it just Just a five wronged like splatter. No make a fist and then just trace the fist boom stuffing Yeah, we're encouraging everyone to bring this classic back to their table this season Or be delighted for the first time And this is the lessons here You won't even need a turkey. Wow Going hard on this going hard usually

like People who come up with Thanksgiving food. It's sort of a rising tide lifts all ships situation and not a Hey, what's up? It's us stuffing Like you need to you guys work together whoever wrote this hates turkey and assumes everyone else quietly does too And we've all just been looking for an excuse to like pull the ripcord and get out But everyone's been too afraid to leave the way but not alice crowder. Alice crowder is like, hey, let's fucking say it We all know stuffing's the star right for too long

We're all just waiting for stuffing um The last thing it says here boy um This crystal recipe was introduced in 2014 and has been a fan favorite over the holidays To create this get some paper To create this stuff and pin to create the stuffing recipe guests should purchase one steamer pack of 24 crystals If you can imagine that it's like a small like like sliders basically

The recipe serves between 10 to 15 people and requires 20 of the square burgers Your calculations aren't wrong. They're intentionally an extra four crystal burgers for the chef So they can enjoy a little treat. That's just standard practice They're good at any restaurant and like if a chef makes you a steak They cut off just a little bit of the steak and eat it themselves Just enjoy a little treat for their work in the kitchen And that's awesome because like your family's gonna be like, uh, hey, tommy. When's uh, when is Thanksgiving food gonna be ready? And you can be like five minutes ago idiot

Um, the recipe is great because it says, uh, the directions are Enjoy four crystal burgers now. Oh boy. Okay, then place the remaining 20 crystal burgers Without cheese or pickles and oh god, we should have mentioned this earlier. I already bought them. Oh, no No, god. Don't put cheese or pickles in the stuffing You put in the refrigerator. You let them cool overnight and then you brush a casserole dish with butter or cooking oil or spray With non-sticks It's a spray with non-stick spray Tear the burgers into bite-sized pieces and place in a casserole dish and then you pour chicken broth over them

Hey mom, are you okay? Yeah, honey. I'm just tearing the crystals apart. It's just We just love it if you come in and spend some time with the family. You've been in here a really long time Hold on the next step in this recipe says barf a hundred times God these look really good Of course it does. It's tiny hamburgers covered in chicken broth Hey guys, just hold on one second guys Oh, no

I was I was trying I was trying to drag this I was trying to drag this image of stuffing over in the slot so you guys can see And I actually drug it into my recording interface I accidentally dragged it into my DAW and so now there is a track There's a track on this episode. This says stuffing 252 pixels. Huh, why did you let me do that? So now we have a secret message hidden within the Yeah, it'll show up in the itunes metadata. Oh, fuck Is it it that's weird just because in the middle of this episode

It it just I heard a fourth track going burger mess burger mess burger mess burger mess It did it like 20 times and I thought it was a A possession I don't actually this this may be the first time juice actually where I don't want to click on your name In slack to see what image you sent us because it can't be good. It does actually look good. Yeah looks choice Guys It doesn't go that doesn't look good at all. I haven't had lunch. We're gonna have to put this up to I also haven't and I still don't want to don't want to see this this jpeg. I can smell this jpeg Um, and what does it smell like to you it bet and don't say cheese or pickles because then I know you fucked up the recipe

Uh, I think I I'm pretty sure I see pickles up in here or unless you have to also cut up celery in there I've dropped in also just so you could see for point of reference if you had to pick The most delicious looking I'm not kidding. I would hurt this sub voice this subway sub with the cranberry Okay, and to me fair, just to quite good guarantee that this uh stuffing picture This is a professional photographer right there. Show me a picture of a home bakers Uh, show me a home bakers Hamburger stuffing

Oh, yeah, let me see the nailed it version of that I also I also just I know why you don't like this subway sub is because I see that cheese And it is it is thoroughly rough thoroughly raw cheese. Nobody wants that The uh, I also sent you the picture of the taco bell dinner, which looks like they adapted beige into an hbo mini series It is literally just 50 shades of beige Okay, that is the that is your Thanksgiving offerings around the around the horn there So whichever one you want to enjoy

Um, you know, you have you have your your choice. You know what else you could enjoy on the choice if much till death do us blart Oh god, you're right. This is our last one before Okay If you've never listened till death do us blart is an annual review podcast that we do of the film Uh, paul blart mall cop 2 we do it with the guys from worst city of all time We've done it every year for this is our

Fifth sixth sixth Sixth year, uh, we've been doing it for six years improbably Um, and this year is is very fun Um for you the listener for you the listener. We are in uniquely great spirits enjoying this one Um And uh, we hope that you will tune into that, you know, it's wherever You find podcasts. I I don't even I we don't make any money off of it You know what I mean? Like just please listen to it. It's we have a really good time doing it

15 16 17 18 19 21, okay I just check guys. I have terrible news. This is our seventh. Oh boy This is our seventh one if you don't count the bonus episode that we did Uh, when when covid struck last last year. This is our um, this is our seventh episode with us We've been doing it since 2015. I can't believe that that is fantastic Here's what I'll say because we don't make money off it But if you go to bankroymerch.com there is a till death do us blark shirt there designed by Tyler Reed Which benefits, uh, the first nations development institute which improves economic conditions for native americans through direct financial grants

Technical assistance and training and advocacy and policy. So do check that out. Um, this is a shirt. I'm gonna buy this is so cute I do I want it very I do as well Hey, thanks to montaigne. Yes for the use of our theme song. My life is better with you Just go ahead and search for montaigne at your You know local sams or uh at the library Or just in australia if you're there, she's probably around somewhere. Yeah, she's probably around, um, writing more dope jams Uh, yeah, thank you montaigne. Uh, thanks to max. Thanks to max on phone

Thanks. Thanks for having us on the network. There's a bunch of good shows on there Maybe you found a new one during the block party. Go listen to it On wednesday of this week when you're listening to it If you listen to it after wednesday, then it's already out But these don't have adventure in balance final episode is out. Um, so go check that out. It's a tasmanish series dm by abria ingar Um, that's over on our youtube channel. Uh, also over at macroi merch. We have tas dice now designed by eva when

um, and it's oh So pretty it's created in partnership with diehard dice They come in a bag with a bureau of balance logo on it. They're incredible Do you grab that wizard of the cloud pin of the month designed by dana wagner? Uh, which benefits native women lead, uh, that revolutionizes systems and inspire innovations by investing in native women in business Uh, and the candle knights ornaments over there designed by kate may which benefits harmony house and the candle knights mug And there's a lot of a really cool shit on there that you're gonna love. I guarantee it Oh one more thing, uh, my podcast, uh, that i'm executive producing called chasing immortality

We just put on episode all about lady bathory who some people consider like one of the Like classic examples of vampires, uh, that she's supposedly bathed in blood to stay young There's a lot of interesting revelations in that episode Is that what's what's I don't understand what the revelation is Like that's how you that is how you that's how you get there. I mean, it's how you get there. Okay. All right Hey, do you want the final yahoo? Yep cool

Yeah, this one was sent in by um Clint mac Whoa, hey, thanks for finally listening then Oh, he listens. He's just too afraid to send in yahoo's. Um, yeah, and this one is sent in by strong Strong, uh-huh This one's sent in by strong

Michael Strong Michael asked this one in strong Michael Uh, that's what it says on you know how and yahoo you don't have to put your name So he's used the user name strong Michael Which I think is a pretty good one And strong Michael asks What it's from my class bud I'm looking at it. I don't know if I want to read some of these words. Oh, are they like

Troubling good. Yeah, they're pretty not pretty naughty stuff. Yeah, go ahead. Just read it. Yeah, we'll believe it if we have to yeah, right? um Yeah, okay, it says, um, does anyone Strong Michael asks Does anyone fucking Okay, yeah, that's one of them. Yeah, we'll get that. Do any of you assholes? Do any of you asshole fuckers

Do you? Hey, do any of you fucking assholes? Know how to get a fucking shitty candle that fucking smells like football Oh There were a lot of words in there we did have to be What the fuck Damn shitty Michael. Yes I hope strong Michael doesn't listen

I'm Travis right I'm strong like I'm Griffin My brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips Are It's better with you It's better. It's better with you My life Are

It's better. It's better you Is it true? Oh It's better with you My life Are It's better with you. Maximumfun.org

Comedy and Culture Artist-owned, audience-supported Do you sometimes wonder whatever happened to the kids at your school who really loved Star Trek? You might remember a kid like me, the one who read the Star Trek novels and built Starship models. I also took music classes to avoid taking gym classes that required sharing after, but I don't see what that really has to do with-

Or a kid like me. I introduced myself to kids at my summer camp one year as Wesley. But when the school year started and some of those kids were in my new class, I actually had to explain to my friends that I had tried to take on the identity of my favorite Star Trek character. The shame haunts me to this day. I'm sure some of those Star Trek fans from your childhood grew up to have interesting and productive lives, but we ended up being podcasters.

On the greatest discovery, you'll hear what happens to two lifelong Star Trek fans who didn't grow up to be great people. They just grew up to be people who love jokes as much as they love Trek. Season four of Star Trek Discovery is here, so listen to our new episodes every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.