My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 591: Bro's Better, Bro's Best: Ch. 217 - 230

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

It was some sort of holiday at the end of the year, so we’re kicking off 2022 with things we were concerned about several years ago. It’s the perfect look back if you’re really craving the infinite wisdom of Yahoo! Answers and want to learn some fun facts about horses.Suggested talking points: The Giving and Taking Tree, HVAC Plan, The Sha-Na-Nabyss, Scott Illuminati, Taco Neck Syndrome, You are the KrampusCenter for Reproductive Rights: https://reproductiverights.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed Travis insists. He's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up you cool, baby? Precious friendship Could have never seen what was coming for me hangs at the skate park hangs by the beach my life It feels It's better it's better

It's better it's better It's better it's better Here's a yahoo that was sent in by Matt Estevez. Thank you Matt. It's by yahoo answers user Yovill Posted in Arts and Humanities History Yovill asks what are the ranks in the Illuminati? Name all of the ranks or anything they Name all of the ranks or anything they use to describe their self as whoo

Well, there's the bluebirds and the cardinals and the bluebirds are the more advanced Illuminati And the cardinals are the ones that need some help Is that some redwall shit? No, it's like a that's like elementary school stuff. I Don't hurt that. I I think that if anyone answers this question, then they're not Illuminati Because they would know better than yeah, because they would know better than to reveal the secrets Let me bounce something that yahoo answers user armor. We're armor will mm-hmm Responded with very helpful stuff from wrong

They said the leader of the earth's Illuminati. So that's a pretty fucking crazy six words right there The leader of the earth's Illuminati is called the Pindar Cool the Pindar is a member of one of the 13 ruling Illuminati families and is always male That's kind of fucked up, but but 2014 But really there's probably a good reason for that in this next sentence the title Pindar is an abbreviated term for Pinnacle of the Draco also known as the penis of the dragon. Ah, I was so hoping that's what it would be The penis of the dragon is probably my favorite Stephen King book He doesn't get a lot of credit, but I'm deeply into it. Yeah, all hail me the penis of the dragon

Why are you giggling? Why are you all giggling? You're the worst Illuminati Scott? Scott Illuminati Scott Illuminati, I hear you giggling underneath your innate mask It must be so frustrating to be a member of the Illuminati as Everybody is like just spreading out this shit and you want to say like hey, that's not true. That's not how it's work It's gooch of the dragon God I'm the goochess, but you I am the goochess of earth's Illuminati Wouldn't it be hard to be the penis of the dragon and then somebody cuts in line in front of you at the Chinese buffet

And you're like because they want to last the coconut shrimp and you're like hey you better not do that And they look at you why and you got and you just have to stare at the floor and say I can't I never mind But you better not do it. I'm the penis of I'm the enus pay of the agon-dre Just pay you just make a triangle with your fingers Get it get it and then you put that triangle close to your crotch to make it look like a penis tip And then you flap your wings like a dragon Get it the shrimp is yours you win. I'm leaving

Um, there do have to be like certain levels of of Illuminati You can't just start as like full-fledged like on the the council Illuminati You've got to start as like junior Illuminati, right? I think there's a surefire like I don't know how anybody finds out about it But I've seen the yahoo's that drew Davenport since in if that cat has not found how to get into the Illuminati yet I don't think anybody ever will yeah, it seems like he probably would have unearthed it by now Um, well, but how would we know are you suggesting? Are you suggesting Travis that maybe there's like an Illuminati Awana's program?

Illuminati Brownies or something. Yeah, like you're a cub scout Illuminati You know you start you're making Pinewood Derby first and then like 10 years later. You're ruling the world You're controlling all the bank cartels and shit Yeah, how do they know they're not just gonna like first day Illuminati hands you the reins to the american government Yeah, they won't even admit that you're in it First you got to be really careful because they want to admit the Illuminati exists until your couple ranks in Sometimes it's just people trying to trick you out of your rent money. So wait am I in the Illuminati or not? Well

Are you the real Illuminati? Six months in it's like hey, you didn't show up to our bowling game on Tuesday Oh, so it is a bowling thing. Fuck guess wrong again. Shit Do you think when you start off in the Illuminati they let you like control a student government? And like just see how you do it The first the first thing you control is is a fantasy footballer That's where you start in the Illuminati But no one can know about it. My name's scott kinkins and i'm running for hunk in high school's tip of the dragon penis

Just a tip please vote scott I'm gonna sort down the lunch signs on taco the q's day vote for me for dragon penis Oh I've seen you run into halls. I have cameras everywhere Scott the principal comes to him in a robe. Tell me what to do Milkshake machine It's really the final level of adulthood and You you may think that you are ready for it when when you actually buy a house

You are not ready for it because It's still very bizarre to me that there are whole areas in my house If I open a door to them and I look at them. I don't know what they do Like I don't even know what they are or like why they are I had a thing Do you live in the winchester house? What are you talking about? No, open a door to a closet. You're like, what is this? No, I'm talking. Okay. I'll give you an example Uh a couple weeks ago. I went down to turn the furnace on for the first time I guess it would have been a month or so ago now

I go down and turn the furnace on for the first time and I see this thing called That there's like a humidifier that's sort of like built into The system there that like as far as I know I've never used And I was like, whoa, I could be having more human air This whole time but I didn't really know how it works. So I kind of turned some things and Open a valve and did all that kind of business and I was like, hmm. Okay humidity. Oh boy I go down three days later. My basement carpet is fucking soaked Like literally standing water in my basement carpet water everywhere because this thing just

Apparently it's like humidifying jam is just spinning water randomly. So I ruined my house So you just boarded up the basement and you called that one a lot? Yeah, I don't have that really anymore. It really is a weird island It really is weird like How many times have you been in your attic, Justin? Uh twice a year wants to get the Christmas lights out and wants to put them back Okay, I I've been in our attic, uh twice Uh once when we like right when we moved in and then uh again when our h-track, you know

It up there stopped working and that was after that we had roofers come and replace every single shingle on our roof A month after we moved in home ownership fucking rules you guys And I realized that in nailing those new shingles in they had turned our attic Into a fucking hellraiser pain box Uh because there are Infinity nails coming through the ceiling. It's like it's like a goddamn iron maiden up there. So no, I don't think I don't think I will Ever be going into that room again. Thanks. What on earth were you planning to do about your broken h-fac unit when you went up there? I thought I got what was your

Did you think there would be a switch that said broken and you would just flip it to fixed? Like is that is that what you were hoping for? He was gonna reason with it I went up there. I was using my phone's flashlight and I had a fucking uh hex wrench from an ikea cabinet I had bought and so Ready to do battle with it like I was seeing what I could do up up to just surveying the you know what Yeah, honey. I tightened a couple of hex bolts and started working again. Apparently just all the hex bolts were loose You're laughing. I used that fucking hex wrench to fix our garbage disposal. So you don't know anything about shit, do you? It's it is the universal nano tool. Um, how much is it? What is this where we need to know before they get a house?

You don't know you really please realize like you don't know Be be prepared to be reverted to like baby state, especially with like buying a house. That process is Inscrutable. I still don't know if I bought this house. Our our realtor. No one's got rid of me yet Our realtor would just come to us like hey any 300 dollars for the Yep, here you go. Take it. It's yours now. I I never had that money. I guess were you buying the house from the ancient ones? Yeah, it was a deep tongue I Hear the it's a really I got a really great deal on this house

But except for that the walls are full of rats. Yeah, and the seeping floors. They're this floors. Well, that's jessons Oh, yeah, jessons. I would say from my money like I'm so happy being a renter like Theresa and I have have often considered Home ownership, but like I don't know. I think what's always scared me most about is that like the permanence And I know you can always sell your house, but in this market It seems like such a The problem with renting is you just put your money into a shitter and you're shitting on it and then you're flushing it It's it's insult to injury. How are you paying your rent? Huh, is that how you were paying your rent? I pay it to my landlord. Mr. Toilet

Um, yeah, it's it's an investment Travis in yourself and your family I Had a baby this summer. So I spent the entirety of nature's bounty of sunlight watching Canadian dragonstone on youtube watching need to tell me what that would be different. Had the baby not been present what What yeah, you would have watched american dragonstone now I would because we both would have been drunk That would have been different. Now only one of you can be drunk at a time. You got a tag team it

Uh, is that how it works? I actually watched all eight seasons. Holy shi of canadian dragonstone on you They're all on youtube. Here's the weirdest thing. There's one episode Where it is inexplicably the only version of this one episode on youtube is tilted 45 degrees So the whole episode is that it's 45 degree tilt and damned if we didn't sit there With our heads slightly askew and watch that you gotta think that you don't want to miss an episode You'll be you'll be lost in the pot. You just gotta make sure you don't get taco neck syndrome Jamez asks Interview at mcdonald's should I eat there before?

So I've got an interview at mcdonald's and I've been craving a big mac for a while Will it look good or bad if I buy one right before I have my interview or right after? I I think you're missing the obvious and it's during Well, you don't yeah, you keep asking questions. I'm gonna get in on this big mac You purchase it and then you take it into the interview is what you're saying. This is what you're suggesting Yeah in your pocket and then you do like a dea mind. I'm nom nom nom nom nom nom nom Um, or right after I think right after sends a very good signal where you're like, well, I think this went well

So well in fact, I gotta get those two all beef patty special sauce those cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun Thank you very much. I think it'll be the first of many That you will give me for free for working here. It's actually free food working at McDonald's Do you think you have to you have to right you get the leftover burgers and fries at the end of the night The leftover burgers and they make them to orbit throw them in like a grocery bag But they make them the order season oh sure sure they do grab them Thanks for buying into the hype But that's the thing I think you eat it beforehand and you just make the person who's about to interview you watch you

Eat it to show you what a good burger boy you are and watch you enjoy it. Hmm. Oh, yeah Dripped on my shirt. I don't care I can't help but notice you got a little bit of dribble on your shirt there. Yeah, there's a good reason for that Your burgers are fucking delicious Can you uh buy two big macs beforehand Set them at a table and then like once your manager arrived Like the manager arrives you lead him to that table. Like oh look look what we have here

Isn't this convenient. I kind of slide it But what have we found and then see if he'll eat it because I've always been curious What do they know? Can you roll up with a big mac and then hold it in front of the person who's interviewing you and just tear it in half No I killed one one down right guys. I'll fucking kill every big mac in this place What if okay, okay, don't have a big mac during your interview You want to prove something?

Eat like a record number of big facts Have him join you at a table with like 20 big macs and try to send a big mac eating world record As you conduct the interview see now. Justin. I thought you were gonna say sit down with a bag open up pull out a whopper That's what I meant to say, but I said big mac the whole time Burger king does the whoppers, right? Yes. I fucked that whole thing up. Oh, you thought it was I fucked that whole sentence up when I was talking about go to burger king You get a whopper and bring it back and you tear it in half in front of everybody to say I've sacrificed one This is the sacrifices mcdonald's demanded. I don't eat a lot of fast food. You guys eat mostly ancient grains

Let me think I think something that would make a pretty good impression if you're interviewing to be like a uh, uh, Fry cook and mcdonald's is tell them how you would do things differently I think you should tell them like how you would slice them the burgers differently or some recipes you want to try I would throw in some black bean burgers Bring in a big like gallon bag of like your special spices It's your current product Fucking classic full of avocado out of your pocket

I want you to taste this burger. I just bought this from your from uh from the line Now I want you to try this burger. I made you like that It did take me two and a half hours to make so it might slow down production. We are describing the plot of good burger We just wrote good burger If you put three brothers in front of typewriters for all of eternity one of them will eventually write good burger That's the law of large numbers. Oh Jesus This yahu was sent in by uh, rachel spurling game recognized game

Thank you, rachel. It's by yahu answers user brian who asks Why is peepaw so rude? So today I was at my peepaw's household and he sneezed in my face It's pretty good then laughed about it. Yeah, he's always doing rude things like this and tripping me and my boyfriend When we walk by and spitting on my ferret The other day he even picked his nose and wiped his booger on my clothes Travis Patrick McRae. It's good. These are solid. How can we get him to stop being so rude? Why?

Spitting on the ferret is out of control. That's some next level rude grandpa technique You think your grandpa's rude talking about the war and and just incessantly talking about his friends and their sacrifices So rude my grandpa spits on my ferret. Fuck you. You don't know shit These are all good goofs. If I was watching this happen, I would I would lose it Why is this ferret caked in grandpa's spit? I'll tell you why It's good my my jeeps. I I if if I uh, god willing live to an elderly age I'm doing this. I'm hitting that. Well, in a heartbeat moray's out the window. What are you gonna say? But like this is your kin

Yeah Shouldn't you be nice to your to your kin? Don't you want them to remember you? I know how angry I am at people who are younger than me now I can only imagine that's going to be compounded in the intervening decades Yeah, don't even be young around me I live in an apartment with a shared With a shared court operated laundry unit the washing machine takes 40 minutes the dryer takes one hour

I know this because if you don't set timers and come and get your laundry nice and quick and unknown assailant steals it You come back a couple hours later and the clothes on on the floor and the sink or even the garbage. They're just gone Other residents have complained about the same thing and having bleach thrown on their drying towels help brothers What can I do to bring this full of justice and protect my stuff? It's happened three times now and I'm very low on underwear got swing through me on these just real quick Yeah, that's from got got done down got Got done down under I guess. Yeah, you got it

Got it one. Um Sounds to me like you got yourself a laundry crampus on your hands. Mm-hmm I've been watching a lot of leverage recently and I think you just need to set up an elaborate con Well, it's gonna have to be a fucking super elaborate con to catch a crampus Well, that's great. Yeah, I I missed that show to catch a crampus It was doing such good work Getting on getting the crampus. I mean it wasn't too many cramp. I it was crampus entrapment and and it's hard to argue that in court but um

But they were doing the Lord's work. What kind of weird dude is like, okay. I just saw someone take your laundry I'm gonna go throw bleach on their towels. That's the only way I can feel um, I uh I used to live in an apartment Where everybody kept their detergent Uh in the laundry room So you never had to buy and I did not buy detergent for two years Look around the room. Look around the room. If you don't see a crampus

You are the crampus Don't don't pick and choose Adult the life blood that you drain out of us. We're giving you food eat where you your three-headed giving tree And now that we're just a stump you're gonna sit on us. We also have three butts That's not important to this story. Why would you need to make that? Why would you need to specify? I'm just trying to clarify the mental picture Giving tree didn't have one butt Travis. Wait, wait, wait. How do you know that Griffin? Because I

Ask the author take a second to think about the fact that the giving tree had a butt I have read every piece of giving tree slash fiction that exists. That probably exists, doesn't it? Mm-hmm the giving and taking tree Hachi-machi Yep Uh, okay, travi you did some some weird Some weird gobby pause to hear my friend Oh, man. I am reading some giving tree slash fiction

It is all stump knots and bumps and dents It is it is all sap and Ruination no no No, no Turn it off Oh Oh

No A slice it was just a sample isn't it better just to know how it's affecting me Like griffin take this hit no reason no need to ruin it for all of us. No, no This is this is oh, this is illegal Griffin is absorbing all of this like John coffee from the green mile Fuck me Oh my god and it ends with okay, there's it's extremely explicit and it ends But it ends the way I think the book should end

This is the last sentence and this is actually kind of beautiful the ship before it Decidedly not beautiful The boy laid down and wrapped himself around his childhood friend and love of his life Ah with one final sigh of contentment gross and a smile on his face The boy closed his tired old eyes for the last time He dies on the tree that he just fucked with a huge boner and was fucked by thank you giving tree slash fiction Fuck the tree to death Did he that was just his laugh he fucked it in half did he this is last his last

last action Author's note author's note to enhance a reading experience of my tale of love and reconciliation I suggest that you listen to jeff buckley's hallelujah ball reading I heard there was a secret tree that you could fuck And all your childhood memories are dead Brothers my boyfriend's mother recently learned she would be receiving a sizable inheritance. I think it's around 30 k God damn Yeah

And has decided to spend it by taking my boyfriend myself her her other son her wife or A bunch of people on a big family vacation awesome Except the last time I spoke to her she was trying to devise between two possibilities the grand canyon and hawaii Now brothers, I'm not not a person. I have absolutely no interest in a grand canyon vacation I would love to go to hawaii, but I know that hawaii would be Significantly more expensive especially in terms of paying for my boyfriend and myself As we live on the east coast and the flights will be twice as much For anyone else on the trip would it be impolite to express my strong preference?

Should I let her take whatever vacation she prefers with her money? And that's from craving beaches over canyons in washington dc This is a really good question And I this is a great question My first counter question is what is your problem with the grand canyon? It rules it's giant. It's made of rocks and I've never been there But I imagine it would blow your tiny mind Now travis, I don't think you're the best person to wait on on this question because if I remember correctly

You were the man who wouldn't drive four hours out of his way to see the grand canyon now to be fair jesson I had a dog and a cat with me. It was the whole thing It was going to be a whole deal We would have had to take them with us and it was like day seven of our cross country What is your problem with the grand canyon? It's a big hole. It's just a big hole. I Maybe maybe fill up with water and let me swim in you lake and then we'll talk Can I? Grand Canyon is a shitty lake. It's a shitty dry lake. We've really turned around on the grand canyon since the beginning of this question

This is the very definition of a win-win scenario because if she chooses hawaii awesome, you are gonna have A fucking sitcom special episode and it's gonna be amazing and you're gonna love it You're gonna be the best member go to the grand canyon Gonna save a lot of money probably only gonna spend maybe five g's on that right getting there That leaves 25 g's of this inheritance left over I have to be very delicate with my next few sentences because I don't want to implicate myself in anything But as I see it

If you want this inheritance to kick your way you've got Maybe six or seven people standing in the way and the grand canyon while a shitty lake Gotta be so careful so carefully here um is If Things let me think jesus christ things that fall into it will pick up. Let's call it a fatal amount of inertia

Now I'm not saying anything about mirrored or most foul But I am saying how quickly can you push six or seven people all I'm saying win-win scenario I'm not saying murder these people if you go to the grand canyon But how much how bad do you want this money? Here is one thing now when you don't Decide to push them into the grand canyon. Don't do that. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I'm saying when I was saying when you don't do that Okay, when you don't do that and get them all on a line and push them in the grand canyon I have I cannot caution you enough against losing your nerve halfway through. Yeah

Listen, if you only do three or four if you only do three or four then lose your nerve That's no good that that nothing good will come of that. Yeah. Yeah. Um, we're not saying any of that I'm saying I saw a youtube video of somebody throwing seven watermelons into the grand canyon And they did not even come close to surviving the fall And I'm also saying that watermelons are the most human like fruit and that's all I'm gonna say That's just where I stand on the matter Do you know what this question asker did wrong What's their their opportunity for this

Not not the other thing, but when you were talking with your with your boyfriend's mother Why didn't you say it then why weren't you like oh hawaii would be great? Well, no because it's her I get it It's her fucking money. You don't want to be like you are not a member of the family You are dating a member of the family so it is super not your place to be like no But the loophole is it it's not like she said grand canyon and you said How about hawaii like she said either grand canyon or hawaii all you had to do is like oh hawaii sounds fun Or the grand canyon either way, but hawaii I've always wanted to go there because it's her It's her 30 stacks. She gets to make the call

Oh hawaii is I feel like once you um, uh, Once you pay for the grand canyon trip. It's pretty much paid for Once you go to hawaii though, I feel like you're just begging for upsells. But what about I think it'll be upsold a lot What what about burl rows? You gotta pay for the burl rows Burl rental. Yeah. Yeah, that's very cold donkeys You gotta get the audience. That was a shitty joke over here. Here's a whole thank you Griffin No, a lot of people give us give us shit for not recognizing your good jokes

And I'm trying to get better about that but that also means I'm gonna call you out when you do a fucking terrible No, because it's a burl Shut shut stop it. Please a chili donkey I I don't know how much shanana is is going to track with the humans who listen to your program but What I would encourage them not to do is

look Too deeply into the shanana bis Because there it's not these guys were you know, this is this this is this uh, this 50s nostalgia group That formed in 1968 eight years Eight years after the thing They formed a nostalgia group, but it only Oh, here we go. The only the only reason

Here we go The only reason it worked is nostalgia was that there had been this profound cultural change in in music and culture And so it truly was as though the 50s had been You know time warped out of existence 5 000 years and they represented a completely different culture These guys up at columbia university started singing these doo-wop songs from 15 years before or 10 years before And suddenly they're this oldies act and then they go to woodstock and then they get a tv show out of it They're all really talented dudes, but none of them have they have that that completely it like Weird rock and roll pedigree, which is that they're all white guys from massachusetts

No r&b behind them at all They're dancing and singing and gold lame and their show is somewhere between You know, uh, uh the malt shop and studio 54. There's so much beard chest hair One of the cool guys is like 37 years old and bald. It is insane This is like a warm this is like a warm blanket this description that you're just Draping over me on a camping trip the question. They're just so I know Now did you you shaved right? Okay, then i'll tell you the story of shanana The questions that these they're talented and terrible at the same time

They're dancing it is the laziest choreography that i've ever seen Big lenny who plays the saxophone who's from my home commonwealth of massachusetts and is still Still alive and still out there blowing sacks this guy This guy's got a beautiful tenor voice, but should not be on tv not because he doesn't have a good look But he has no presence whatsoever on tv. He's constantly flapping his arms around while he sings like some Obese bird. It's insane like everything about it and And then they all quit They all quit and became uh

Doctors and attorneys and professors one of them is a linguistics professor at Hofstra University And uh, and they're and they're all they're all professionals now those who who are still with us Except for bowser who's still out there selling the grease, right? And then and then jocco donnie and screamin scott the nice thing about his starting in 68 with the 50s Culture for bowser is that now If you are not aware of their history, he just looks like somebody who's aged Really really well

How is this guy still hanging with this this lifestyle because it was close enough To the 50s it seems like a really really old guy who looks fantastic Appending the words by the way, oh, I know. Yeah, this is what this is what i've been thinking about all night long you guys Everyone you know what you can all go down this hole together Let's go i'm catching up on this john and you are very right about this gentleman I got distracted from the conversation And I just wanted to say that uh bowser from shot on all is a co-founder of a group called senior votes count Which is a political action committee for old people you guys

I think the rest of this podcast should just be the the sound of us all just quietly clicking the internet And then just speaking up when you find an interesting shot My third of the program usually is I Want to talk to you guys about imperfect foods because i'm genuinely wild about it. Uh, okay Okay, so here's how it works. Let me give you how the the experience Uh every week that you hold on. Let me close my eyes. Let me get in the moment. Okay, you're taking a picture Okay, uh every week you get a cart

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Dot com and use promo code my brother. They sent us a freebie box of this I tried it and I've been doing it every week since uh, I can get produced there that I can't even get In my regular area. I got some bok choy. I can't find bok choy in west virginia But I found bok choy and imperfect foods 20 off your first four orders That's up to an $80 value at imperfect foods dot com offer code when you use promo code my Brother join the movement imperfect foods dot com and use code my brother Do you guys have any resolutions for 2022? You want to learn a new language? Here's my thing. You want to know my thing coasting coasting

Coasting in 2022. I just want to keep an even keel keep up between the navigational beacons, you know Maybe we'll talk about that next week when we do the the year the new year My thing trav is I actually want to learn every language on earth So I can get a job at the united nations and have a venture like nicole kibman did in that one cool movie Does she know every language in that movie? I can't be right. That can't be it griffin anyways Uh, then griffin you need to check out babble Because babble has 15 minute lessons that makes it the perfect way to learn a new language on the go

And they have 14 different languages to choose from including spanish french italian and german and The other ones that I definitely could name if I wanted to plus Babble's got speed recognition technology that helps to improve your pronunciation and accent That's incredible and you should go check it out right now When you purchase a three month babble subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free That's six months for the price of three Just go to babble.com and use promo code my brother all one word. That's b a b bel dot com code my brother babble

language for life Also, wait before we get back to the chucks and yucks Which is what I call chuckles and yuckles Then uh, we got some uh quick announcements. First of all, wonderful is doing a virtual live stream this friday january 7th At 9 30 p.m. Eastern time tickets are five dollars with an option to give more at bit dot ly slash wonderful abc 2021 It's 2022 now, but you get it it benefits the austin back cave Which is an austin-based nonprofit organization that offers writing programs for young authors age 6 to 18

Which is incredible. Also, we got new merch over at macroi merch.com We got the pen of the month that is everybody has a knife from adventure zone ether c Uh, which benefits the center for reproductive rights uses the power of law to advance reproductive rights as fundamental human rights around the world Uh, we've also got the guppies want me blink sharks fear me sticker That's designed by katlyn eberle. Who is at kiwi bewe on twitter So go check those out enjoy the rest of the of the best of episode Which are gonna because it's the best, right? It's the best we could do Hi, i'm anabella rich and i'm laura house and we're the hosts of tiny victories. My tiny victory is that I

sewed that button back on The day after it broke. We talk about that little thing that you did that's a big deal to you But nobody else cares. Did you get that guggenheim genius award? We don't want to hear from you We want little bitty tiny victories. My tiny victory is a tattoo that I added on to this last weekend Let's talk about it. My victory is that I'm one year cancer free But my tiny victory Is that I took all of the cushions off the couch Pounded them out put them back and it looks so great

So if you're like us and you want to celebrate the tiny achievements of ordinary people Listen to tiny victories. It's on every monday on maximum fun Boys This is a game full of horse trivia. Okay And I've got some today. We're dipping into the anatomy questions category. Are you ready? We have to Savor these because it's the next three years of the show All right, and go by okay. Here we go gentlemen

By age five most horses have how many teeth? 153 Okay, let's try again The answer we got a between 20 and 25 b between 36 and 40 c between 60 and 71 Are we just talking about the front row of teeth? By age five most horses have how many teeth on the front row or the back row? Face teeth or full body teeth. Are we full body teeth? Okay 35 three The answer was b

Between 36 and 40. Oh you're off. I won next question. I got one more question Keep going. This is the best game The left side of a horse the side of the horse that we mount is called the port the broad side It's called the left flank the mounter or the near side the meatus The meat is I think I think it's the horse's meatus I'm gonna go with the meatus Griffin's convinced that he's telling me It is the near side

You can really get a you can get a full boot in that fleshy meatus We got a this uh a horse has long legs So it can a fly run away from predators b jump out of the way of a predator chase dreams faster See stomp of predators things see defend itself against the predator. Uh, see keep dry when it floods So it can't de catch a predator. No, so it can be tall enough to eat birds right out of the sky Yeah, so it's a little bit closer to god God's that's why God made his giraffe Said get up here. He said get up your horse. I'm gonna give you multiple choice question

I'm not even gonna give you multiple answers When a horse's ears are laid flat. What does that mean? Horny? All right, this is lightning round Griffin you said horny wrong travis um Made a bad investment incorrect Griffin Not horny If they're a little horny if their ears know if their ears somewhat horny if their ears are down

They are explicitly not an ounce of horny Read the room steve right by omission correct. This is either angry or scared. So thank you read We're going to have oot. I'm keeping these like on my desk. Oh, yeah So at any moment I can reach out and grab we also have just so you know for the future We have care questions and breed questions. Oh tight. I can't wait for the breed questions I have a friend who absolutely hates the concept of laughing at bad movies For instance, he considers watching a movie like the room to be a massive waste of time when he could be watching something better Quote like transformers

You know Like trans brothers and mr. Corbett. How Can we get this farcical flick debbie downer in the right frame of mind or is this a lost cause? That's from bad movie buff in brooklyn. Oh my god with the alliteration in your listeners We have a we have a pretty savvy a pretty savvy audience This is actually this reminds me the first time griffin and I watched uh the room with my now wife Teresa The look on her face was like a combination of like confusion and frustration She didn't know why she doesn't know why we did that to her. Yeah, she just kept saying what is this?

Why are we no i'm testing you darlin. Yeah, and it was like get it and she's like no no It's bad. She's bad and then we made her watch it like eight more times and now she loves it Oh Uh stockholms. Yeah, it's very much like you'll get it honey He's from stockholms We've cracked it um, there is a uh, there's there's there's a real problem with the premise of this question and the transformers message

I mean I don't know where to go with that because if you don't enjoy the room and you do enjoy Transformers, I don't understand you as a human being It seems like to me like maybe his like through line like he doesn't like really good movies or really bad movies And he just wants it right down the center there like milk toast nothing He likes the movie protagonist of 1950s version of movies. Sure. Yeah, and he wants to be beat up by michael bay Um, well, I mean, I I guess there's why would you try to force someone to do that? I guess to marry them if Travis is to be believed, but that's the only reason

As a weird downer. I forget what the actual question was How do you fix this broken person if you really break it down to like really parse it is how do you get someone to like bad movies? and I don't I think it's Uh, a little questionable as a premise. I mean, yeah, you're not supposed to right? I mean Well, but here's the thing is because I was thinking about this on the way over when I got stuck in traffic is the idea of I didn't start liking bad movies. I started as a kid watching mst3k with dad. Sure. And then Through that like transitioning into liking bad movies, and I think that it's an acquired taste You know, it's a thing that's like you can't show someone who's only seen like

Current blockbuster quote good or bad movies and then expect them to like The room and man those hands of fate and get it like you kind of gotta like Clue them in with we're going to watch something that frames it like isn't this fun to make fun of I think I think you are really onto something and it it You know when I when I was working on the show my parents would watch and they could not they just couldn't get past the movies They would just go like Man, that movie was really bad. You know, I thought it was just a terrible movie. So I I couldn't watch anymore That's sort of the point. I really hope we could sort of take you through it a little bit mom and dad

But yeah, and I don't I would never force that on people unless I wanted to marry them Do you do you do you feel like you guys? Like provided a really valuable service to the movie industry the filmmaking industry where Um, if if a movie studio, I feel like made a really terrible movie Um before you guys came around it was just a total loss. It was it was a disaster for them But now if somebody makes it really bad movie, it's like well At least somebody's gonna get some sort of like twisted pleasure Like like there is a there has been cultivated among people and appreciation for bad movies that wasn't there before

So at least we've got that at least we'll bring some modicum of joy to people Especially now with podcasts and like youtube and it's like everybody talks about bad movies You know in a way that like people weren't doing you know in the 90s and I so for example I was a teenage strangler was filmed in our hometown hunting towards, Virginia So when it was on ms2 3k, it was like this huge thing of like it's back We've done it and and it also puts the lie to your old teacher's thing about nobody ever making it Take that mrs. William. Well, no because we're all getting strangled By by uh by a fellow native though, right? There you go. Yeah, so I so just looks our town in the best light

Just calling the herd we're building a Staircase of of human bodies for here. There you go. Well, you know, I don't know We've wanted Hollywood to appreciate that service. We provide them for years, but but so far so far nothing No, no fungible You know, we're just not big enough problems you affect their sales and that's all they care about and when we have actually Negotiated them via rift tracks for bigger titles. It is all it's like diffusing a bomb They're very sensitive about it and we eventually have shook a few, you know 90s to early 2000 titles away from them with money just with Kickstarter money

But they're just very concerned about the the relations the trail of relationships. They have in general I'm imagining that conversation like you want to make fun of casablanca No, no, you can't you can't come on. They're all dead. Come on. Yeah, you're right My girlfriend and I live about 1500 miles apart and one of our favorite pastimes is watching mst3k and rift tracks together Over skype. Which mst3k episode of rift tracks vod would you recommend for a young couple in love? Amorous in austin. I don't you know, I guess if he's asking me if something that would enhance their love or sexual pleasure I'm a little scared of that question frankly

What's the most erotic mst3k episode the apple hands? The roger daltry looking guy Running around in a loincloth. It doesn't get it. Can you just repeat the chapter with the sex song in it? The song that takes place in the sex. I was I was drunk at that point of the movie The the time that I watched it, but I do distinctly remember there being a sex Song that somebody's saying while having sex, which I'm guessing one of your brothers can sing it Sex song from the apple. Oh man. It's gonna make me mad We're gonna it's it's a double on tondra. I believe

It is a single on tondra. It's 1.2 on tondras. I'm coming. There it is Is memory foam bad for sex? Thinking of getting either a memory foam mattress or a topper update also, I mean good sex not boring sex Thanks for any insight Oh, well, I'm quite clarified because memory foam is great for boring sex I mean, I don't want to show my hand, but um, I make love like I'm slowly being absorbed by quicksand I don't want I don't want here's their problem You can use a memory foam mattress. It'll make sex sex better

But only if you get a memory foam mattress after you've been having sex for a while Because if you have sex for the first few times on memory foam mattress, and then later you're still having sex on it You're gonna look at those previous indentations and they're like, uh, what was I doing? Memory foam remembers don't remember that. What's with all the elbow imprints? What was I doing the weird thing is when you plug your memory foam into your computer and you you download all the information And it gives you all the stats off of your previous love making sessions Yeah, and it's me clippy a good number of pumps there trial You want me to keep trapping your pumps?

It's me clipping I'll track your pumps for you. Tralf. Hey, have you tried minecraft? What if it's whatever you do? I see you added a swerve, Tralf. That's fantastic Oh, you're trying to see a doctor, Tralf? We can take the virus alerts Hey, Trevi, you need to compensate for the angle, Tralf. You know what I'm talking about. You need to run a macaffe virus check, buddy Can't help but notice not cuddling afterwards. You jackass What if what if you read it his erect penis had a red squiggly line underneath it? Oh boy, you spelled oh

correctly Um I mean, I None of us own a memory foam, right? I I know that we're really expensive. I know we're making a lot of money on this show, but not that minecraft money. No It seems to me though, like It wouldn't be ideal unless for some reason while you fuck You like to have glasses of wine all around you that you don't want to spill over onto yourself

It seems it's so funny to me because it seems like 40 years ago the thing was like It was like water, you know water mattresses. Yeah, what are those called water beds water beds, which is like the polar opposite Of memory foam memory foam is like oh you can like bounce a bowling ball and nothing happens and like a water bed It's like oh you moved your elbow and you flipped the other personnel of the bed. Yeah Oh, well, I think that the I think that making love when you make love in a memory foam

um You are nullifying a lot of the earth's natural physics and effects and a lot of the um simple machines featured in a traditional mattress and I think that I think I I mean I love extreme restraints. Um But I I get by with those simple machines, you know, I mean springs levers screws Thank you incline incline planes things like that and in a memory foam you are floating In the negative zone

You know what? I mean you're in print you are imprisoned in the negative zone and I don't you and zahd making love making love and That can be pleasurable kneel before zahd Um, but I don't think it works for everyone But isn't that true of of of all love making griffin Maybe one man's memory foam is another man's sleep number bed And I sleep another is another man's inflatable camping mattress sleep number bed would be great because I have always wanted a fuck number That's something they do not feature in the advertisements, but you say what's your sleep number 28? What's your fuck number? 35

Yes, and then someone's like is that the number of people you've slept with and it's like no that number is zero I Just know my I know my fuck number in preparation for that special they find that for you in the store That number is zero and looking ladies zero plus and then you say why is it zero and he says True love waits and it was a commercial for true love waits the whole time Okay, guys, Mary fuck kill. Are you ready?

Sleep number. Yeah memory foam. Yeah, kraftmatic adjustable I didn't kill the kraftmatic just because it would kill you I think to try and um Make that two-back piece up on that you get fold up like a panini Um the sexiest panini Uh, is it weird to buy toilet paper in bulk? My husband refuses to buy it or be seen with me when I buy toilet paper Because I prefer to buy a 24 pack instead of a four or six pack because it's cheaper and something will always

I assume need you assume I assume. Oh Roger my butthole is just gone Sweet, you know, we don't need Roger leaves got really soft all of a sudden My husband is very embarrassed by my large toilet paper It leaves other people judge us and find us weird for the large purchase Is it a legitimate concern?

Is it worth sacrificing the extra dollars and time us been shopping more regularly for tp to avoid Having other people think I must poop a lot. That's from cabinets Full of toilet paper in term. I when I see that at the grocery store and don't get it twisted When you buy 24 pack of charmin at the grocery store, that's all that's going in your cart. That's problem number one Yeah, but when I see that when I'm exposed to that I just think like you've got a lot of shitting to do But I see

Hold on But what's the what's the worried implication that someone sees you pick up a 24 pack of toilet paper like oh lose butthole Like what's the you know when you buy? I'm saying that there should be a stigma and I'm saying like when you go to the When you go to a fucking Walgreens and you pick up a pack of rubbers or jimmy hats or whatever the fuck we call them now Jazz raincoats Jazz raincoats or you buy them you don't put them on in the store Although they should let you do that because it's it's not a one-size-fits-all thing no matter how much

It's not a one-size-fits-all and the case the thing is once you get them home and open them They don't let you return them. They don't let you return them Especially once after you've used them you have to google conom sizes like some sort of cave man But anyway when you kind of google cave man go to cvs. You say let me get they're all in centimeters. You go to cvs And you say let me get a pack of Smokes and they say we don't sell those anymore and you say fuck Let me get some jimmy hats instead then and you feel embarrassed about the jimmy hats because they know that your dick's going in that and they know that you're you're

Your detritus is probably going in that too and that's gross and you're embarrassed But you buy toilet paper like oh, he's doing some pooping. Yeah, cool cool cool and it's not a thing I think that you should apply the same level of discretion to tp that you do to to to condoms and diaphragms and and and Nouver eggs I feel like I've mentioned this before but I I can't help but apply narrative

When i'm buying toilet paper, I always feel like the implication is whatever i'm buying With that toilet paper is going to make me poop. I feel like if i'm buying like If i'm buying like a heath bar and some toilet paper, I think the short story big day plans I need this heath bar and it's going to give me diarrhea. So I need the toilet paper for that That's where you put the heath bar on the counter and then you put the toilet paper and say just in case What if we look at this as a business opportunity and i'm always looking at things like business opportunities um If we open up our own toilet paper manufacturer and distribution company

And it comes in an unmarked box and no no you sell it at grocery stores but it's just a single you just buy one roll of toilet paper at a time and the name of the company is Carpe Diem toilet paper company That price is living for today I i as much as I I mean there's another way of looking at this which is if you buy a huge bulk of toilet paper, that's rarer that people aren't going to spot you buying toilet paper. If you go at like two in the morning to the Walmart to buy your toilet paper, then, you know, you can never be spotted.

It could be a stealth mission. You do that once a month or something. Oh, or go every day and buy a 24 pack every day and look at the guy's square in the eye every time. I'm back. I'm back. I'm here again. There is.

I'm basically like a sandworm, essentially. Just I consume and process and expunge. I'm also not good at conserving toilet paper. No. How many pieces? Sorry, I got to go. Nobody likes buying a huge thing of toilet paper, but there is, I think we can all admit a special kind of feeling of security and luxury when you peel a single roll off of a 24 pack

at home and you think, oh, man, I have got a lot of toilet paper. Whenever that happens, I have the feeling like I'll never have to buy toilet paper. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You buy a 24 pack. You're like, well, that's toilet paper sorted for life. What next? Give me that giant container of oats. Okay.

Let's take my ID and flip it on the end verse. We started a company called For Life Toilet Paper and you buy it. It costs. How much would you pay? How high is the ceiling? I would pay $13,000 for a $4,812 pack. Are you ready for this? You call it call of nature box.

Okay. Every two weeks, someone comes to your door and just hands you the toilet paper. I don't want a shit paper interaction every 14 goddamn days. I want to knock it out once. I want to save up my money and put in a down payment investment on myself. Why are we shipping things to people? This is our living room and this is our toilet paper room. Why are we shipping things to people that I would like healthy snacks

that I would be proud to buy? I would be proud to stride into the store. Why are we not secretly shipping people toilet paper? It doesn't make sense to me. It's sickening. It's because it doesn't have that stigma and we need to we need to make people ashamed of their bowel movements. Everybody just should be more ashamed of their bodies in general.

Yeah, oh God, especially the evil that comes out of it. Let's try this Yahoo! Out of Sin and by Rachel Sperling. Game recognized game. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo! Me answers user Vicky who asks, could someone pretty please write a vampire story? Please start in a dark forest at midnight.

And there is a girl named Alaina who gets hypnotized and bitten by a van. Slow down, slow down. OK, OK, start in a dark forest at midnight. And there is a girl named Alaina who gets hypnotized and bitten by a vampire named Josiah. I want eye contact hypnosis, please. OK, first of all, that's called thrall. It's not called hypnosis. You're in the thrall.

Geez, amateurs. Glamour is what I prefer. Glamour is something that masks you. So it's more like you would cast a glamour on someone to so they would ignore you. Yeah, but in true blood, they call it glamoring. They verb it. I think he glamored me into doing this. I think it means you dress them up in sequence and you made them more glamour.

That's dazzle them. What a fucking stupid show that sounds like. Never seen it, but it sounds pretty goddamn dumb. Can someone please write me a vampire story? Please, please, please, please, please. I'm there is not enough vampire fiction out there, erotic vamp. So is the question asker asking someone to write them a story? And it's got to have a girl named Alaina and then a vampire named Josiah.

And it's got to have eye contact hypnosis. Can I just say I really like this because I think we could call it Choose My Own Adventure. And it's just like, hey, I'm going to tell you what I want in the story. I think I used to have a book like this where I was a little kid and mom and dad brought it brought it for me for my birthday, where I went to like Planet Travis and the machine that worked on wishes. I think a Choose My Own Adventure book is just a book. Right. I wish God, I wish books would just choose the fucking adventure for me.

Just tell me a story. I didn't buy this fucking thing to write it myself. This is garbage. Neil Patrick Harris, you lazy shit. What do you think this person wants the story for? The assignment where they have to write it and they're going, at least I've got all the bones of it, but I just can't put the meat on it. Yeah, from from their their teacher, Miss Clitoris. She's starting by fair.

Can someone fucking write this person? OK, so let's go through it. She's in a dark forest at night. OK, how much time do we have left in the show? Enough time to write some erotic vampire. OK, let's let's let's let's write one. I'm the oldest. I'll start. OK. And Travis, you want to take it?

Oh, like an exquisite corpse. Yeah, well, maybe not once. OK, yeah, we'll do once instead of time. That would be good. OK. The night was dark and also horny. The the forest was as dark as it was horny to. I'm my name is Elena, and this forest got me feeling real horny down there.

I tried to shape in the darkness that was white, but had eyes and a cape and maybe fangs. It was definitely glamorous, but also erotic. His name was Josiah. He didn't tell me that, but he looked like one. He looked like my friend Josiah. There's more than one. There was a semicolon in there.

He looked like my friend Josiah from work at Dress Barn. I got closer to him. I saw that underneath the cape, he was wearing some sensible jeans and no shirt, but he just had like a cape and his muscles were like, yes, and I didn't know much, but he was definitely bonered. I could see it through his jeans. I could see the boner through his jeans.

Another semicolon was in there. They were as sensible as they were see through. It's how you turn. Oh, sorry. I like to do his eyes. They remind me of Josiah, my friend at Dress Barn. And that's that's that's what it occurred to me. I'm going to bone this, dude. No, I feel good.

I don't know where these thoughts are coming from. They definitely weren't my own. You're not saying yes. And right now, I think you're saying yes. No, you said that to me, that I was going to bone this, dude. Well, and also I hate to take an on bridge, but and then it occurred to me is not a complete sentence. There was a high fit.

There was an ellipsis at the end. Chapter two. I got fired from Jess Barn today. I got fired by my manager, Josiah. I thought he was my friend. Also, he has amazing muscles and he doesn't wear a shirt and he wears a cape, but a different cape. This is we're talking about a different Josiah here.

I can't express this enough. I wish I wish I really try to get a hook into this story. Travis, you were just not letting me try. I wish everything in my house smelled like Dress Barn, Josiah. Suddenly, there was a clattering at my window. It was Santa Claus. He I fucked my brain in the sexy stuff. Turns out that was a was a dry cool all along.

Santa climbed in my window and he opened up his sack and he and he let it fall to the ground and inside there was just one gift. And it was Josiah, the vampire from earlier, not the Dress Barn, Josiah. He looked deep into my eyeballs and I got totally, totally bonered for him. And then Santa Claus was like, well, I guess I should get going.

Seems like things are about to get a little bit lusty in here. I've got other sex Dracula's to drop off at kids' houses like you. And then Josiah spread around and he drank Santa's blood until he died. And let me be honest, it was a huge turn on. So I reached inside of his sack and I got out hundreds of sex Dracula's all from me. I'm not done. I'm not done.

No. I crowd surfed on the sex Dracula's like Buckethead at a corn show when Buckethead was still in corn. Was he ever tamed? Did he glamour him? Yeah, I said the thing about the eye fucking. OK, I think we just covered all our bases there. Also, wait, hold on.

Oh, hold on. Somebody's at my door. Give me a second. Oh, it's a it's a major book publisher and we're all millionaires. So yeah, yeah, this is the last episode of the podcast, I guess. It's better. It's better with two. My life. It's better with you. Maximumfun.org

comedy and culture, artist owned audience supported. Are you feeling elevated levels of anxiety? Do you quake uncontrollably, even thinking about watching cable news? Do you have disturbing nightmares? Only to realize it's two in the afternoon and you're up. If you've experienced one or more of these symptoms, you may have FNO. News overload. Fortunately, there's treatment.

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