My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 60: Discretion for Miles

Episode Date: June 20, 2011

We've wished our father a Happy Father's Day the only way we know how: By making him proud of the things we say in our audio podcast. We probably should have asked him whether discussions about Hitler's ghost are the kind of thing that made him proud. Suggested talking points: DickTwit, Hanging Out, Taco Bell Practicality, Hitler King vs. TMNChurchill, Dylan's BBGear, Tag It, Perfect Ponies, Pudcast, Pawnties, Grandpa Foot Fetish

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Father's Day, Anthony Wiener. We tried to come up with a way to combine those two openings for 30 minutes. Solid, nothing. He's a daddy, right? Instead, we'll just say Anthony Wiener, Father's Day. My brother, my brother and me. Sorry to begin in such an upsetting fact. Topical? Topical? Cutting edge. Cutting edge. Wiener, Wiener, Wiener.

Lots of comedians are making Wiener puns, but nobody's really embracing just saying Wiener Day. I've fallen behind on the news. What's this guy's story? What's his sitch? His story is he is a lawmaker with a really great sense of irony. And a really great iron, a really great nine iron down there in his zone, he means, I mean, in his pants. In his caddy shack? Representative Wiener represented his Wiener to a lady on Twitter. But it doesn't matter because the comedic ground has already been thoroughly sort of tilled. What I'm saying is we're going to, nobody's pushed at the extra level of blending

with Father's Day. Obviously. Right, right. I think it's going to give it that special pecante spice that we regularly provide with our topical mashups. Is that cilantro? No. So hold up, hold up. This cat, he tweeted a dick pic. I can't like keep you. No, no, no, hold on. This is a chance for real world wisdom. Unless you've got a sound effect somewhere of like a hyperbaric chamber opening and you stepping out of it. No, seriously. So he didn't text it. He tweet blasted his dick to a woman. Yes. How do you know you forget that hard? You forget that D to signify a direct message and says just like, hey, Lori, look what I did. Check out the stick and these balls.

Look what God did, Lori. Oh God, that's rough. That's rough stuff. That's rough, but it's been rough for like two weeks. Like what are you, what have you been? Like it's been like the biggest, because Wiener is his name. Like his name is Wiener. And like, Justin, I had to go on a spiritual spirit quest journey. Unless your ass is in a sweat lodge. I have no excuses. In the week, before and after, I went to an enema, a coffee enema lodge to prepare for the live show that we did. Isn't that right across from Kings Island? It is. You turn left to Kings Island. You, it's on top of the, it's actually on top of the fake Eiffel Tower in Kings Island. You get up there and you just, for two weeks, just like find your spirit animal and get coffee enemas back to back.

That's how it sounds, people. This is as you certainly guessed, my brother, my brother, me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. And I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm the baby Griffin. How do you tweet a picture of your dick at somebody? And then as, as an elected official, how do you do that and then not go, oh, damn, shit. Well, that's the coolest thing about this story. I cannot believe you've drugged me into talking about this. The best thing about this story is when, when everybody was like, hey, you tweeted a picture of your dick. He was like, hackers. What, hackers? Fucking low, low set, kicked in my door, pulled down my pants and snapped a JPEG

on my sweet dick. Happy followers. I could not get that dick out of a lineup. Shaggy was directly behind him, like, say it wasn't you. You got me, Shaggy. Are you sure, Shaggy? Say it wasn't you. And that'll work. Just tell him it wasn't my say it wasn't. All right. All right. You get it, Shag. Picture this. I tweeted a picture of my dick. Shaggy. So this is our advice show. Let's get to the advice. This girl I've been dating for two and a half months now, we have S-E-X on a regular basis. I come over her apartment often and we even go on dates every week. Despite all this, she doesn't want to be called my girlfriend. When I asked her what it is that we're doing, she says hanging out. When I ask her what she tells her family about me,

she says I'm the guy. What do I do, brothers? Sincerely, lost in translation. Just first and foremost, I think being called the guy is way cooler than being the boyfriend. Yeah, it's pretty fucking cool. This is my roofing guy. This is my fucking guy. This is my guy for doing it. Yeah, that sounds like calling somebody the guy is something you reserve for super. That's something you'd call Timothy Olafot or something. Like super cool people. Uh-huh. You don't get much cooler than Timothy Olafot. Demio, I think that you are a little too hung up on nomenclature and she's way too hung up on avoiding nomenclature. To a weird extent. I know those people that say

putting a name on it ruins it, but they're still dating. They're still doing the shit. But they're just not calling it that because they're afraid of spoiling it or ruining it or something. And that's dumb, but at the same time, it's straightforward dumb. It's like, hey, here's the deal. We're not going to call a boyfriend girlfriend. A rose by any other name is still getting a stick wet on the reg. Uh-huh. Yeah, if you're uncomfortable, now, okay, maybe it's not the labels. Maybe it's the lack of stability. I would say that he's unsure. He doesn't know what they're doing. Right, he doesn't know. It's not just that she is, but you know what? I think that that happens in every relationship

and it's not just with the title. I think that, yeah, the title is just a purity blanket that makes you feel better. But I think everybody always goes through that entrance period, especially two and a half months in. Geez. You're like, what is this? What's going on? Are we committed? I don't know. Am I the guy? Yeah, I'm the guy. I can't, I can't think of a, like a relationship status that is more secure than hanging out because you can't, you'll never stop hanging out. Like you can take that shit to the grave. Like, oh, do you, Laurie promise to take Jacob and just like fucking bro out with him 24 seven? I, uh, speaking of labels, I have hung out many a time. You are not hanging out. No,

in between, in between playing Sega and eating juice pops. Yeah. Hey, you want to pop in NHL 96? You want to fuck? Whatever. Whatever you want to do. Just come over to hang out. Make some bagel bites, see where it goes. Just throw out. Put some NES. I think that if it, you can ask her to label things all you want. She's obviously not ready for anything super serious. So I, I, if you're expecting that or wanting that, I don't think you're going to get it from this girl. Nope. At least not right now. Not directly, but I mean, well, it depends on, you could turn it into a relationship without labeling it without making it a big deal. It can become a relationship,

but if it's important to you that you know what it is upfront, you're not going to get that. I should ask her, am I a guy or the guy? As long as you're the guy, you're cool. Unless she's like got the man. Unless you're the guy number 26. The dude. The fella. The gentleman's suitor. This is my caller. He's taking me to Cattillion. He brought me a glassy unicorn. Watching way too much Twin Peaks. Yeah. I have, what? No, it's for Twin Peaks. I'm going to come through this fucking microphone. Clarence. Menagerie, you dumb bitch. There's also in Twin Peaks that seem where the guy gives the

other girl it's to the glass unicorn. Got you right. All right. Damn it. I'll let it slide this time. These nuts. It's a jail coop up in this bitch. All right. I have an etiquette question for you. Oh, you've come to the right place. Clearly often when a friend or family member is going through a difficult time and person will say something along the lines of I'll be praying for you. You'll be in my prayers. This thing is, I'm not a particularly religious person. So telling someone I'm going to pray for them feel a little fraudulent. Obviously, if someone is about to go into surgery or something, it's not a good time to say good luck with all that or that death is

probabilistic and ultimately inevitable. So can you guys help me come up with some other non-religious phrases that carry the same weight and meaning as these more traditional sentiments? Thanks for the help, Chris. Wow. Wow. Well, don't definitely don't say that shit about death being inevitable. No. I think there is. I think that there's such a wide spectrum between I'll be praying for you and good luck with all that. Yeah. You know what? I know there's some shit in between those two, right dog? I tell people they've been on my heart. Yeah, it seems that cuss that cuss to it. Hey, you've been on my heart lately. You've you've been you've been in my thoughts. Yeah. Thoughts. There it is. You've been on my heart. My thoughts. My whole thing has been about you. You could also

say I'll be playing for you if you're a professional athlete because then it's like all they're dedicating for a musician or sports or if you have a like a particularly intense like bocce ball match coming up. Yeah. This one's for you, Greg. That's what I'm going to pitch this bowl. I don't know. I think you can also say like, you know, I'm here. I'm here if you need anything. Let me know if you need anything and I can help you with that. Like, I think that I think that saying that you'll be in my thoughts is not practical. It's practical. Like if something happens, I'll marry your wife. No, no, no. Like, do you do you want any I'm about to run a Taco Bell? Do you want a fajita and maybe a medium Baja Blast? There's maybe some cinnamon twists. I know you have surgery.

Dangerous, dangerous surgery. But do you want a chalupa first? What a surprise. That'll be for the doctor. What's this inside him? This is a Baja fish taco that you ate before surgery. You were given explicit instructions not to eat and specific instructions not to eat Baja fish tacos ever. Why would you put two in here? Are these your car keys? Like what did you even do? Wait a second. Wait a second. The tumor is gone. This Baja fresh fish taco killed your tumor. This this Baja sauce is a cure. Eureka. Eureka. Thank you, you fat fuck. You did it. So what what what other? How about if something happens, I'll delete your internet history. It's good. I feel like that's practical. I'd appreciate it. Yeah. How about you are definitely

going to make it through this? Guarantee. I swear on every by the moon and the stars in this guy. Oh, the best part about that is if something happens, how are you going to be held accountable? That's true. That's true. They got well, you got hauntings. Oh, yeah. Obs, obviously. Oh, you're going to have a ghost writer situation on your hands. Yeah, he's going to haunt your words, your phrases, read your words, your writing, gonna make your words better. Talk about your grammar. Yeah, or your grandma. Hey, Griffin, you know, do you want a yahoo? Yeah, I haven't looked at these for a while. I should probably really having to suck at this thermos to get the coffee inside. So if you hear like a sort of like a wet wind tunnel, like a squishy wind tunnel,

that's me getting some hazelnut. This one was sent by the daily dosage of vitamin H. This one was sent by two people, hazelnut, which is weird, came from two different people with the same question. The internet's such a big place. Yeah. It was sent by Thomas Anderson and Jonathan Cole. Thank you, dudes. It's by Yahoo Answers user Lucretia Millicent, who asks, my 14 year old sister is afraid of Hitler. I thought she was crazy, but now I'm starting to wonder. My little sister is so scared to death of Hitler, she can't even go outside. It started when she had this dream about Hitler coming up through the plumbing and getting in the house, so she makes us keep cement blocks on all the toilet lids and also on the washer,

and she will only take baths, no showers, so she can plug the hole. She says Hitler can come out of the sewer though, and that's why she refuses to leave the house. Now, I was really worried and wanted to help her get over it, so I made up a spell to banish Hitler, thinking that maybe that would make her feel safe. Well, we were doing the spell in the bathroom and the toilet seat lifted, and I heard some man speaking German. We screamed and got up and ran off, and now my sister is putting chains on the toilet, so I hope no one gets the shits anytime soon. What happened? That's what I'm wondering. That's my favorite part of this question. Can't quite put it together. So, Hitler, okay, if you believe in Hitler hard enough, he will appear. That's an inevitability.

We have actually said his name too many times now, because if you say it too many enough times, he just, he apparates. With Betelgeuse. Very much like Betelgeuse, only instead of Mischief, he does unspeakable genocide crimes. Well, I think that, I remember from, spectrum, right? Yes. It's like the worst, the worst kind of. It's like the most Mischief. The most Mischief you could do ever. Like the highest level of shenanigans ever to the point that you're not thinking we can call it hijinks. Like it's, it's like a nightmarish crime against humanity. Hijinks indicates like a wink and a nod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hijinks usually is harmless. Like a fiasco. I would not, I would not call the. Planking is hijinks. Yes, thank you. Have you guys ever

heard that urban legend where parents buy their kids baby hitlers, and then as they start to get too big, the parents flush the baby hitlers down the toilet, and then you have to worry about the full grown hitlers down in the sewer, right? And it forms, if they get to in like a metropolitan area, this is true, I swear to Christ, in metropolitan areas where the population per mile is, is, you know, so dense that the, the hitlers, the flushed hitlers will grow together and form a Hitler king. That's absolutely true. That is 100% absolutely true. That is 100% true. The only thing that you can hope is that Winston Churchill has also been flushed and has been baited in some sort of mutagenic ooze. And then they have the most epic battle. The most epic battle.

Um, somebody, like, can we go ahead and option these rights? About TM, TM, by the way. TM, all that shit. See you with a circle around it. I'm Winston. I'm also Winston. I use the bow staff. I use the bow staff, but I am Winston. Do you know what, uh, Hitler and also Hitler King's biggest weakness is? Magic spells. Magic spells, obviously. That's why he got so fucking aggro and tried to come out of your toilet pipes is because you, you pissed him off with your magic spells. Most people don't know this. Um, Hitler hauntings. You can, you can comfortably live in, in a place and an apartment

or a home, uh, any sort of domestic setting that is being haunted by a Hitler ghost. Usually, usually you can make it work for you and see if the, the land will, will, you know, knock off a hundo from that. Right. Hey, I'm pretty sure it smells like mustache wax in here. Uh, pretty much all the time. Yeah. What can I do? Uh, what can you do? Um, also, people say, what happened here? What happened to Hitler? You mean? Or the mustache? No, in this whole situation, I'm so confused. What happened with their spell? Like, I don't know, was a Ouija board involved? Was there a Ouija? Cause I read a book, a tract, actually a Chick tract about Ouija boards and they're, they are evil. I know that much. Yeah, definitely. When, when you were talking about the part where like,

she's afraid to go outside. I had this mental image of like the girl looking out the window and Hitler leaning out from behind a tree and just like pointing at the girl and the girl was looking back down. Now I'm scared of Hitler. Thanks Travis. Thanks so much. That's a work. My long time boyfriend followed me when I moved out of state and it did not go well. We broke up and he moved back to our hometown. However, he left most of his personal belongings behind. Keep saying he's going to get them, but it's been almost a year since he moved out now. My lease is up at the end of summer and I want to move to a new apartment. Is it okay for me to throw his stuff away?

That's from Carrie Ann. Yes, of course it is. Of course it is. How's this a question? Hey, throw everything away. I'm, I'm, I'm moving to, um, to Austin in a little under a month now and I'm going to throw every- Watch out ladies. Hey babies. I'm going to throw every fucking thing that I own away that I don't use on a day to day. If there were other stuff that I own that you took with you. Oh man, it's gone man. It's fucking gone. If you have shit in my employ that I have not touched nor seen in 12 months, it's gone. It's gone though. I think Carrie, an important thing to keep in mind here is when he left that shit there, he was basically saying to you, Hey, make sure you move this with you when you go anywhere and that's bullshit.

It doesn't come to get it in a year or ask you to ship it to him or pay for shipping or something. It's yours. You need to sell it in a garage sale or give it away or burn it. Nobody wants things anymore. I think that since I turned, I'll call it 18, the, my main action has been getting rid of stuff, like trying to unload stuff and my getting rid of material possessions. In this world, you accumulate them so quickly. I just want to get rid of them. I just hate shit. I hate having shit. Yeah. I hate having things and I try to get rid of them. I try to pawn them off on people that come into my office. I'll hand them several books or maybe old fifth grade drawings, some masking tape that's almost all gone. I don't want

to keep the roll around. Like he just pawned all that off on you. I think you probably want to shoot him a text. Just like, Hey, your stuff's going in the garbage. Sorry, Dylan. Come get it. Come get it if you want it to the garbage. It's probably bullshit stuff. Anyways, I mean, if you didn't take it with him, he can't be that committed. Yeah, it's not like his fucking asthma inhaler. I said it needs to live. Like it's this fucking roll out desk. Like it's, it's, it's probably got all got bed bugs in it. Yeah. You know what else is in it? You know what else is in that stuff? Memories. Gotta get rid of it, girl. But mainly it is. It's all, he left you with a bunch of bed bug stuff, a bunch of BB gear. And you're supposed to keep it? No, let's go to the dumpster.

Sorry, BB gear. Sorry, Dylan. Your things are in the trash. I set them on fire. Also, I miss you. Come back. Dylan, I miss you so much. Please come back. How can I become cooler on Facebook? I try to post interesting status updates, upload wacky photos with my friends and I, and I often wish other people happy birthday, even if I don't know them that well. But I wouldn't ever give me any Facebook attention. I want to be cool in the internet world as well as the regular world. Help me, brothers. What should I do? Pitiful in Pittsburgh. That's no way to start. Yeah, don't be pitiful. Trying to buck up. Trying to turn this around. Do less. Yeah, that's it. No, you gotta make it work. Want it. Yeah. You think? How can they miss you if you're always there?

It's like this. If you accept every friend request and say yes to everybody who asks you to do something, then it's not special. But if you request like, if you accept like one out of every thousand, then that one person feels so fucking special to be your friend. How would they ever know, though? How could you ever know? You tell them. I'll tell you what discourages me from interacting with people on Facebook. You gotta get a good picture yourself. Don't put a weird picture of a weird picture of you standing in shadows that looks like you're on fire. Oh, you smell bad and there's pu lines coming off. Get like, get your sexy right. Get a really nice looking picture, you know what I mean? These people have photoshopped stink flies and pu lines coming off their body.

Somebody who would call themselves pitiful in Pittsburgh. Fair enough. Fair. You look at the picture. Make sure that you don't have a Facebook photo of like an animal or like you in a big group. Oh, I hate that. Are you in a baby? And the babies in the picture? That's not your baby because it confuses all of your friends from high school. They're all going, oh, is that your baby? And you're like, no. It's like, well, bullshit. I put my baby on the grid, asshole. My latest point of contention is for Father's Day, a lot of people have been changing their Facebook profile pictures to that of their dads, of their daddies. And it's like, that's pretty confusing for me when it's like, oh, Jennifer kind of looks like a dad now. Like, why am I friends with all these old dads?

Why are all these dads my friend, my ex-girlfriend is a dad? What? Things, I got that trade just in time, apparently. For the swap, the switcheroo. Also, I would suggest not wishing happy birthday to people. You don't know that well. I wouldn't want people, I don't know that well to wish me happy birthday. It kind of creeps me out that they know that much about me. I don't know about that. I like, I mean, we've talked about my, my policy on Facebook and how it's basically just a bed of human beings that I just roll around and get dirty. Okay. Their thoughts.

Just like, hey, weirdo, don't know you. Here's a poke. Is it possible that you, that you posted a lot of bullshit? Because sometimes when people post a lot of bullshit, I just give them the old blockerino. I send them straight to the block pile. And it could be that you've gotten the old, the old block. I don't have a, I don't have a better name for it, but like, it could be just got blocked and like, nobody can see your shit because forever you talked about how depressed you were and no one wants to see that. That's the first thing. If you're doing that, which if your name is pitiful in Pittsburgh, I'm assuming you've done it least once. Like fuck that noise.

She's it. You gotta have people want to be friends with. Happy people. Like I like to hang out with happy people. Those are the people I want to associate with. So just fake it. Put on a big plastic smile. Have you thought about, um, Facebooking pictures of your, of your, of your pee pee, of your wiener? Of your wieness. Of your wieness. Have you thought about Facebooking? It's caught on like wildfire.

And then with a caption that says wish you were here. In my wiener. What? I'm going to just tag your, tag your whole wiener. I guess that's what people do with photos and then see if anybody like, likes it. Do you like this wiener? Like 65 people like this wiener. Click here to see who these nasty fucks are. Nasty. That'll get you, you, you gotta start mixing it up. You gotta take it out there and just really

get crazy. Get crazy on the. Live on the edge. Change your, change your relationship status. To dead. To dead. That'll get some attention. No, don't do that because then you, you would be killed. I think that first off, you need a private message everybody and say, I'm sorry that I've been so depressing for so long, but I'm really turning it around.

Come back to the new, the new and improved pitiful and pits for Facebook experience. Now with a hundred percent more dick pics, check on, tag them, like them, Facebook. Change your real name to dick pic Danny, even if your name's not Danny. Come to dick pic Danny's Facebook warehouse, tag it, love it, Facebook. Now with t-shirts, come buy our t-shirts. We're talking about fall on rebranding, tag it, big it, tweet it. Bing and tweet my dick pic warehouse emporium on Facebook, poke it. Still free after all these years, always here for you since 1863, Danny dick pic.

Subscribe to the premium experience, no ads, just a streamlined dick experience on Facebook, tag these. How about a yahoo? A yahoo? Was that not a yahoo? No. Wow, okay. This one was sent in by Ousmane Marico. I've been made a super fan.

Thank you, Ousmane. We're getting there closer to pronounce that right. It's by yahoo answers user Rebecca Rose who asks, what would you consider to be personality traits of an ideal stallion? A-ha, go on. No, I won't go on because that's all that this question is. Set literal stallion. Yeah, like a horse, like a proud.

Well, I think we can all agree, unbroken spirit. Unbroken spirit. Unbroken legs also is important. Less of a personality. I think discreet. Able to keep us. Okay, great. What is the application of that?

Why do we need to discreet? Well Griffin, if I knew the application, I wouldn't tell you. I mean, I'm trying to be like a stallion here. It defeats the point of discretion if you just go pop in your wiener pics everywhere. Hey, hey horse, why did you tweet this picture of my wiener? Hey horse, I didn't give you my phone. That was between us. That was between us, horse.

I came to you in confidence. What kind of smartphone or horse possibly operate? This question is ridiculous. So there's another good personality trait, dexterity. Yeah, manual dexterity. Thumbs. A smooth tail, a proud tail. That's important in races.

And also not a racist. I don't like a horse. I want them to love all horses and humans equally. Open minded. It's okay if they're biasing against fat people because that's like a health issue. Yeah, they don't snap right in half. I think you gotta, it's gotta have some wisdom in its eyes. I think when you look deep in that horse's eyes,

you've got to know that there's feeling stirring around in there, you know. And no bugs. No bugs. I hate it when a horse has bugs in there and it won't even use its comically long tongue to lick them off or sweep the way with its mane, with a flourish of its proud long head. Have we mentioned time? I just love horses so much.

I love horses too. I love their thick trunks. And I think that I need a proud horse. I think I need a proud gilding. I want a horse that's gonna be more like a best friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. And maybe we go on adventures together and like my cowboy hat falls off

and he picks it up for me and nudges me forward and drives me on. That's so great. I just, I want a horse I can hang out with in every possible definition of the term. Yeah, just a horse who's fucking cool. You know, I'm not upbeat like some of those other horses. Just want to hang out. I want a horse that if I joke like maybe today you can ride me. He'll laugh, but he won't take the joke too far.

Yeah. Very painful. They're very heavy. I've ridden a lot of Pintos that will just like take the goof and run with it. And it's like, now it's weird Pinto and I have to put you down. Now I have to destroy you. Because I know you're not discreet. I was trying to forgive that.

But now I want a horse that knows that when I have to destroy him, I have to do it. Sure, like he's, he feels bad for you because of the position that he is putting you in with his broke ass legs. He knows it's going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt him. Yeah, I want, yeah. And I want him to make it easier on me by hurling some really hateful shit. Like hateful shit about my parents and loved ones. Oh, like, I bet you won't do it.

You coward. You coward. Well, that's it. See, we are, we're putting the horse before the card. You know, you're supposed to put the horse before the card. Shut your fucking mouth. You got to have. See, that's the kind of talk that'll get a horse shot.

He has got to be able to talk. He has to possess the horse before he takes it. Yeah. But what's the point? Which is rare, I think. Mayor. But worth, worth a couple extra bucks. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'll drop an extra. Oh, that's a big, he has to be cheap. You guys did not cost a lot of money. So we need a cheap talking horse that's able to use a smartphone. With a lot of my cowboy hat with tenderness. Just discretion for miles. In fact, that should be his name.

Discretion for miles. Discretion for miles. I want one that doesn't make you kill it to get the glue out of him. Yeah. I just show him where your glue is. Give him your glue, you stingy bastard. He's got to be just, you want to be able to lactate his glue gland. Exactly.

For a quick patch job. Um, I think that your horse feet. Is it too much to ask for a winning smile? No, a winning smile. I couldn't, I couldn't understand you. I would like my horse to enjoy eating apples. Can we make that happen? And oats.

Yes. Don't mistake my fingers for carrots. I'm just giving you this carrot. Silly oof. An apologetic horse for when he does nibble your fingers. Rainbows behind him. Leaves rainbows. Kind of ride rainbows.

I want a horse with a horn. Okay. Okay. That is a unicorn, but. No, because it doesn't have to be on his head. It could also be a deer. Like a buck. A buck is basically a horse with a horn.

What about a horse with like mini horns that makes it like a spiny exoskeleton? Ah, and maybe fire that she tied up his nose. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Can I, and he can fly. Yeah. And also he's got a big saddle on it and you can ride on him.

And he's got like a tank gun. Yeah. He's got a tank gun for a mouth. He's got like howitzer treads on his legs. Fuck yeah. And he can fucking like fly through space and shit. Yeah. And he's, he can shoot, he can shoot blood out of.

So fucking discreet. Just discreet as shit. You will never tell anyone about any of this. I want to ride. Oh, maybe he looks like a regular horse by day and then an awesome space tank. Spiny. Holy fuck.

Like a transformer horse. Yes. Yes. Juk, juk, juk, juk, juk. I'm a tank. Juk, juk, juk, juk, juk. I'm a horse. Come here, Shaya.

Shaya, come here. Grab my mane. Feed me oats and shoot blood out of my face. I'm eight feet tall. I'm a big robot horse. Does it look like a robot horse? Or does it look like a regular horse that transforms flawlessly? It is sort of a fleshy, many.

And sprays blood everywhere in the process. And it's killed. That's so important. Shaya, you're probably going to want to step back. Shaya, a little bit further. Here's your Gallagher, your Gallagher Poncho. Just tuck into that real quick. Transform from a horse into a horse tank.

You may get soaked. You will get wet with horse blood. With horse blood. That horse is not going to survive the transformation process. I'm sorry. I'll never tell anyone. You are rinding parts of that horse that you will not be able to reattach. No, no.

Welcome. Every time we talk about fucking horses on this show, we always talk about just mutilating them. How does that keep happening? Because there's something about destroying one of God's most beautiful creatures. They are. We basically. So powerful and majestic.

I just want to kill it. We've been going on this street for about 15 minutes now, designing the perfect horse. And we reached a point where we reached perfect horse that like no, nobody's ever been able to conceive of before. And then we ruined it. Well, yes. We as human beings often are jealous of the power and majesty of a horse.

And then it's time to destroy it. We reached the index of horse. Who's in charge of horse possibilities. I think that the most important thing about a horse, the most important personnel is let's get back to personality for a second. I think the most important personality horse is that it not be too beautiful. Because then you'll want to destroy it. Like if you got like some Jared Leto looking motherfucking horse,

you're going to want to take a ball peed hammer to its temple instantly. It's too beautiful. It's just it's just like fight club. You just want to destroy something beautiful, you know. Yeah, it's like mash its face. It's like a with another horse slash glass menagerie glass horse with a horn on it somewhere. And you just want to destroy it. I just want to slam two horses together.

Find the God particle. Oh, shit. So horses. I hope no jockeys listen to our show. Yeah. I hope no horses listen. There's going to be an uprising. Yeah.

And a discrete uprising. But an uprising all the same. Griffin, I think it's time for take a little trip. Sure. Let me strap let me strap into this roller coaster ride. Get on the saddle. The horse the horse coaster. The horse coaster to the money.

Yeah. Tim Mitchell, Jenna, let me take you back. Student 23rd, 2007. Des Moines, Iowa. A mountaintop. Is it an angel singing? Oh, a discreet horse watches from afar. And the two of you and the two of you get married.

I'm gonna kill that horse. You, Tim, he's come buggy. Her domestic goddess, baking, sewing, feng shui, feng shui, interior designing, no problem. Put that rug on the south end of the room because it's red. Because it's red and you're a fire. And we're married for four years. Um, did I have any kids in this four years of wedded bliss?

I think it's just around the corner. I have a good feeling about these things. But they do have an all black cat name. Here we go. Bagheera. Thank you. And an all white cat named Luna. Luna.

The cats are practically kids. They're like furry kids that, um, they're like, there, you know what that, you know what they are? Tell me. They're basically furry kids that are tiny. Cats are basically furry kids that are sneaky. Sneaky and they poop in sand. Yeah.

Which kids are like little kids. By anybody's like system of measurement, they are better than kids. Because sometimes they don't want you around. Uh, it's nice. His nickname for her is too personal to read on a comedy podcast. Her nickname for him is also too personal to read on a comedy podcast, but it's also funny and possibly embarrassing for him. That's chuchu.

Hey, hey, chuchu. Come fix this light bulb. I don't know. I like, I like his, his nickname for her. I'm just going to say it. It's Bride. And I like Bride. I like that a lot.

He's very utilitarian. It's, yeah. It's very, it's very old school Amish. Like his name for her is wife. Yeah. Wife pride. Goodly wife. Goodly wife.

Lady partner. Sately brides groom. Is it grooms bride? Is that how that goes? I have never understood that. Maiden head. This is my. Is that I don't know what that word means.

Build my life. She was traded to me for a fattened calf. And this is chuchu. The strongest man in the village. The strongest man in the village. Chuchu. With a powerful love motive. Chuchu.

The titan approaches. Oh, fuck. They love to watch movies together and they listen to creative podcasts. I'm assuming like ours. So thank you for that. Also in the money zone. Also taking us along with chuchu ride.

Come on, ride the train and ride it. Fast karate for the gentleman. It's a quickly paced lightly sauced comedy show. Delicately sauced. It's about video games. It's about bad Japanese cartoons. And it only takes you like 30 or 60 minutes to listen to. That seems like a.

So either one or double. It's kind of a scatter shot approach. No, they got the guts to say when it stops working. Maybe that'll be 30 minutes. Maybe it'll be 15 minutes. Deaf can make it 30, but never above 60. It's a dumb. It says I'm not saying this about it.

This is what they say about themselves. A dumb podcast recorded by two stupid jerks. I hope this podcast is not about branding or marketing because they're not good at it. But what they will do is they'll talk about seminal key for Sutherland Pro Torture conservative TV classic 24. And then talk about pudding. Hold on.

We'll talk about Guardian Heroes. Hold on. What? Okay. I don't listen to podcasts. I would get down on a pudding cast in a heartbeat. Yeah. Just talking about the opportunity.

Jellos. Just talking about flan. Which buffets had the best selection? Which golden corral pudding is served at the best temperature? With you guys ever had that one with Oreo bits in it? Fuck. Yes, I have. Oh, God, what is that shit?

Weekly segment on funny ways to mispronounce crème brûlée. Spray alert. It's crème brûlée. Yeah. Crème brûlée sounds like some sort of sportsman. Hey, Frank, bring me some crème brûlée. We got crème brûlée with the crunchy cinnamon topping. I can't make it.

I ran out of crème fraiche. If you want to listen to the internet's premiere pudding cast, you can do so at www.daveandjoll.com. That's their website for them. Oh, wow. OK, well, so thank you to Tim Mitchell, who wished his wife Jenna a happy anniversary, and a fast karate for the gentleman.

And now, my favorite moment that I've really been waiting for. Which acts do you guys want this time? You want standard e-tuning or open C? Because I can do either one. Do you have your double net? Can you just do maybe some drop D? Is that a tuning option that's open to us? I can take that open C and drop a capo on fret two,

and it's basically the same thing. All right, let's do it. Are you guys still talking about guitars? Yeah. Travis, I wish you would learn an instrument, so that I don't keep doing this. I learned a recorder in fourth grade. You can't take a jingle and play a recorder with yourself.

Yes, you can. A hot sauce bun is like a motherfucker. Yes, you fucking can. Don't you tell him you can't do that. That's the best idea. Fuck. OK, so a fourth wedding anniversary and a pudding cast. Thanks.

Hey, guys. If the two of you guys could maybe get together next time, and try and find two things that have similar thematic elements. Anything. Anything. By the way, by the way, paying for a personal message on your wife's, you and your wife's fourth anniversary is a out loud statement that either us or your marriage

will not be here in a year. There is no other message that I could take from that. And since you love your wife, Bride, and your husband, Chuchu, I can only assume that you're saying we will not be doing this show. We better throw this out now, because in a year's time, it'll be too late. Yeah, so thanks.

Thanks. I appreciate that. The only thing I can think of right now is the matrimony train. Take the matrimony train to Putting Station. To Putting News Station. Putting News Station. Is that like Shining Time Station? Can you do it to the tune of Dave Matthews Band's Crash?

No. OK, good. Fair. Fair. That's good. See, the problem is that we'll get taken down by a digital millennium copyright act from D&B himself. That's a little too dark, according to me.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Get on the matrimony train. We're going to take a trip. Nope. Fuck. I'm going to use you on a guitar. I think that's the problem.

That's the problem. It's not that you're trying to write as an impromptu song. A scene of a wedding and also a pudding podcast. God damn it. God damn it. Can we agree that would be a podcast? Hey, who's that coming down the aisle? It's a beautiful woman in white, and she's carrying in her left hand

a tube of gogurt and her man on one arm. She has her choo-choo in the other arm. She has the aforementioned gogurt, and she's slurping down the gogurt, and she's saying her vows. They have four long years together, and they're not stopping now. They're on the matrimony train to Pudding Town. That was good. I'm not positive, though, that it's a gogurt, or it's a gogurt.

Gogurt is definitely yogurt. I'm going to say there's a 50% chance that gogurt is pudding. I think that it's like squares and rectangles where not all gogurt's are pudding, but all puddings are gogurt. Well, here's the thing. Yogurt is basically bullshit, nasty pudding with cultures in it. Right. Right. To help Jamie Lee Curtis do her poopies. It says that right on the box.

Slam this gogurt and have regular beamers like JLZ. We're starting down this gogurt, and then enjoy a Jamie Lee Curtis style poopy. Every time a child eats a gogurt, Jamie Lee Curtis makes a poopy. Oh, God. That must explain why she hasn't been doing much acting lately. That's so popular. Kids, stop eating gogurt. With the love of Jamie Lee Curtis, please lay on the floor. She's so tired.

So raw. It's so raw. Oh, so dehydrated. I wish I could trade places with anybody. Kids, please stop. This is no true lie. So if you would like your own jingle and spot in the Money Zone, you can contact Teresa Thorn at Teresaatmaximumfun.org. Teresa with an H.

My boyfriend and I disagree on what the term underwear for women refers to. I told him it's just the bottoms, but he's convinced it's both bra and panties. Oh, Justin, you said that in the grossest way imaginable. It'll be fair. It's the grossest word. It's the worst word. Just panties. Oh, God.

What do you guys think? His name's Jeff. So if you could prove him wrong, prove. Because that's what we're into on MB&B and scientific proof. We're going to peer review this shit. I have a hypothesis. My hypothesis is that underwear for ladies, and this is just my opening statement.

Okay. I believe that underwear for ladies refers to both bra and panties. Oh, God. Please, please, please. Let's find a different one. Can we say bottoms and avoid that? Can we just say girl boxers? Can we just say girl boxers or girl briefs?

Yeah. Or lady briefs. Okay, we can remove panties from the discussion. Oh, God. That's the last time you get to say that word without me quitting the podcast forever. Okay, obviously. What is it?

Is it just the pronunciation? It's upsetting. You're saying it like some kind of super villain that seals women's underwear and collects it in a cave. So no more discussion of panties. I think that the discussion, the debate is really over bra. I think that it only refers to bottoms. Really?

Yeah. Because, okay, take the bottoms out of the equation and a girl just putting on her bra saying, I'm putting on my underwear. She's a crazy person. Oh, man. That's a pretty good argument. That is a really, really good argument.

I know, right? Can we just, can we get rid of the nomenclature all together? And can we just call like, just come up with a specific like, but like your, your, your panties will now be called bottom, bottom shorts. And your bra is, can be called like boob shorts. Your booby shorts. Your booby shorts.

These are shorts for your boobs so that nobody can see them. Hey, get those cans and some booby shorts today. Uh-huh. I, okay. I think Travis has in, in sort of unprecedented feet from a brother or brother to me, Travis is sort of single-handedly, I think, won this argument. Because I think that the thing about, you know, separating it,

saying like, that's my underwear. That's weird as shit, right? It's weird. And you can't say on the, I mean, following that, you can't say, I am, I am wearing a, I'm wearing booby shorts, but no panties. So I am wearing my underwear. And it's like, I beg to differ. That's like putting on a shirt and saying, this is my chest pants.

Like it's craziness. It makes you look like a crazy person. I think that, yeah, case closed. Final solution. Sorry, Jeff. So Jeff, you're wrong. Sorry, Jeff. You're so wrong.

Welcome to a new segment of My Brother, My Brother, I mean, where we stop giving advice and just belittle someone's opinion. Hey, Jeff, you're stupid. Can we just get rid of, can we just get rid of this whole thing all together? Just, you mean the whole bra panty enterprise? Just let them breathe, ladies. Yeah. Oh, that sounds like the real tangible items.

So Griffin, which frat did you rush? I'm curious. Delta, Delta. Get them out. Delta, Delta, Delta. Delta, Delta. You were a Quint Delta? Quint Delta.

They're good. Quint Delta. Fucking killer ultimate Frisbee team, though. We wanted to actually Delta so it could be sexed out, but nobody, we couldn't have it. It wouldn't give it to us. It's ridiculous. Griffin, you know what I need. I said a gross thing in there about getting rid of panties so ladies can let them breathe.

And it's like, that was so grody to like even joke about. And I don't know if I should like cut it out of the show or not. No, no, you can't. But if you don't say the gross thing about letting them breathe, we can't joke about Quint Delta. That's right. Fuck. You've got to die on the comedy cross.

How about, man, fuck, guys, I have like five really, really good ones. Well, good. Maybe next time you won't have to hound our dear sweet listeners. And you just keep your own strategic reserve. We're going to do this one because it's the fucking craziest thing I've ever read. It's written by Jacob Locker, of course. It's by Yahoo Answers user Gabby Bennett, who asks, Why would my grandpa kiss my foot?

What? Stop it. I was getting a much needed foot massage from my grandpa. Stop it. Yeah, stop it. He's a professional masseuse. And when he kissed, and when he finished, he kissed my foot. Should I be worried?

Additional details. Well, he's technically my grandpa by marriage. He married my grandma in March, but he gave my mom a foot massage and she said she was weirded out. So there's a, there's a, First of all, roaming step-grandpa given foot rubs to everybody, get him out of the house. There's precedent set by the mom getting the massage

and not particularly enjoying it. So that's pretty crazy, right? That's like a crazy fucking thing. That's like a crazy, crazy thing. How about some of these? Let's let's dip into these answers and just like, you know, let's pull the crowd. Let's pull the audience.

Yeah, pull the audience. Let's phone a friend on Yahoo. Answer one, Jacob Kohill says, What? No, he's your grandpa and he loves you. That's a good thing. He's not our grandpa. No, that one's got to be like a crazy outlier.

Right? Well, I just want to throw out real quick that he's only been her grandpa for like three months. Right. Yeah. He's probably pretty much not your grandpa yet. You got to earn that title over at least a period of half a year. Gabe Forrey says, not at all.

He's just being a loving grandpa. It's like a kiss on the forehead or something, but just a loving thing. No. It would be weird if he was touchy or kiss you on the lips, but a kiss on the foot is just a loving grandpa thing. What are you saying? How is your grandpa?

What kind of fucking situation is going on in America with our grand, what is our grandpa situation like that everyone's like, no, it's completely normal. My grandpappy kisses me on the feet all the time. Lisbeth says, I don't think so. I don't think so. This is him. Stop it, Gramps.

Lisbeth says, I don't think so. Was it a small peck kind of kiss or a deep passionate kiss? You know what? Does it matter? Hey, Lisbeth, it kind of doesn't matter. Deep passionate kiss? Creepy. Quick peck on the foot?

Just as creepy. Like, did you put the tip in or did you go shafty? Doesn't matter. You're pregnant. Like, it's over. It's over. You can only get so foot creepy wet. Chiquita Bonita says, no, I think you're just taking it a

little too weird because it's not something that you're used to. This is guys, I'm not leaving any answers out. Wait, say that one one more time. It's only creepy because it's not something you're used to. Because it's not something you're used to. Isn't that kind of the definition of, like, weird? Yeah. I'm just just think it's weird because it's something that's

never happened before and it's completely unacceptable. To a certain level of my grandpa kissing my sweet feet. Guys, it's not funny anymore. I can't laugh about this. There is a nation of people says. Might be a good luck superstition or he thinks of you as royalty. Yeah. Because that's exactly what it is.

Male. I mean, by reason it is. There are so much of people on the internet. They think that they're great. It's okay for their great. Like, it's not funny to me anymore. Beautiful tune. Number one says, I think you're just trying to show us innocent affection.

Nothing curvy. Nothing a grandpa does is innocent ever. Grandpa's are trying to keep their raging old man libido back and you let them wrap their digits around some tee bopper's foot and her feet still sway from being inside those hush puppies all day. You can expect the man not to kiss him. You're fucking grossing me out, Gramps. Get out of here, you old man.

There are eight. There are eight answers on this question. All of them are. No, he's being a grandpa. Here, here's a Werther's. Let me suck them toes. I want to take this one several deeper. Why did she have to go on the internet to find out if this was weird or not?

What have we done to our nation's youth that has made them like require the internet for a second opinion? Do we need to drop some PSAs? Hey, Peepaw, I just logged on on your pinium computer. Why do you have eight Yahoo! answers accounts? What is the purpose of those? Right now, Griffin, I want to hear your last question.

And I know that we could stay here and joke about this all day. It's not fucking humorous. Like this makes you want to cry into a cup of poison. I'm completely happy joking about killing God's most beautiful creature. But when it comes to kissing little girl's feet, game over. I would rather ride a beautiful horse and not kill it than continue to talk about this. Every time you grandpa kisses, they're off springs, off springs feet. Step off spring, step off spring.

They're step off spring, off springs feet. A horse is destroyed. And also Jamie Lee Curtis has a bowel movement. So she's a busy lady. She has a lot on her plate because she has to. Well, to be fair, she never should have signed that sponsorship contract. Yeah. She should have read it first.

She should have. She should have. Yeah. She's a fine friend. She's a fine friend forever. Forever and ever. I want to hear Griffith's last question first. A couple of real quick housekeeping things.

Thank you to female Kyle for posting the Equus video, I guess. Thank you, I guess. Yeah. Thanks for that. I love that the top Google result is a video of my of my brother penetrating my butt with a beer bottle. That's really good. So my future job opportunity is. In short, our live shows get pretty weird.

You should come out. It's okay, guys, because I was pretending to be a horse. So it's totally. Oh, so it's totally fine. Douglas 513. That's Lori. Confirm that Travis looked hubba hubba at the live show. Do you want to point out Travis puts together these Twitter shoutouts?

So I was flattered and I agree. Media underscore fairy. She risked her job to convert to customers. So thank you to her. She is an emergency brain surgeon and what she did was she got deep down in someone's cerebrum and then like touched the part of their brain that made them like listening to the weird podcasts. So thank you for that. That's just right.

Thank God. We got an email from Kara and Kara asked why we don't have a fan club and that she wanted to start a fan club and how to do that and all that kind of stuff called themaximumfund.org. That's not a fan club. Like that's the nomenclature fan club. By the way, fun drinking game for this episode. Every time we say the word nomenclature, just take a sip of your beverage. Yeah.

It's not. It's a it's a it's a fan community. A think tank of like-minded individuals. Okay. I like that. Think tank and and it's it's a great it's a great community and you should be on there. They're good people. You should also be listening to all the other maximum fun shows.

Yeah. I think the people who I meant to mention, the people who asked about panning nomenclature. Conti, did you say that? You should really that's a question for for the John Hodgman, just a Hodgman podcast. That's more his wheelhouse. Our close personal friend, John. Our basically our best friend and second dad. And step-grandfather.

Also, and this is speaking of maximum fun, the main reason you need to get over there is you need to see the MBMB AM Super Show, which is a cartoon made by Christopher Shonda Pew, the Pew Brothers. We'll put it in the forums. You can also go to bit.ly forward slash MBMB AM tune one. That's a little shortcut. Pretty good URL. You got there.

Yeah, thank you. It's really, really fantastic. We can't thank the Pew Brothers enough because it's unthinkably magical. It's a cartoon of one of our bits. If you want to see more of them, if you would write them a giant check, a giant novelty check to keep making them because you love them so much. Let them know. Let us know.

Talk about it in the forums. Share your adoration. We'll put it up there right as soon as we're done recording this. It'll be there and you should check it totally out. Is that everything? I want to thank Mr. Bob Ball. Oh, yeah. Bob Ball does the voice intro for a show every single week.

He flies to one of our houses and he records it fresh because he doesn't like to, he doesn't like the sound to get stale, he says, which like we've tried to explain to him that that's physically not how it works, but he won't have it. Freshest sounds, that's all he'll settle for. Thank you so much, Bob Ball. And thank you, of course, to all of you. If you get a second, please tell somebody that you care about to listen to the show. Send them a link to our sampler, bit.ly4 slash it's mbmbam.

And we haven't mentioned it in a while, but if you've joined the show in like the last 20 or so episodes and you haven't yet gone on iTunes and thrown us our ranking or a view or something, we always appreciate it. So we've got an app there too, an mbmbam app experience, you get on iTunes, it's like too much. Also, Happy Father's Day. Yeah. Hey, Papa Macaroy.

Happy Father's Day. You know, we should get everybody who listens to the show to like message or do a tweet at macclint. m-a-c-c-l-i-n-t, I think it's just one word, it's just Twitter handle. Just like sending a message saying, hey, you're like a really good dad. Good job, dad. Thanks for spawning three awesome children. Yeah, 12, 4. And then we'd lost Terry.

Yeah, he was caught that guy. He didn't have a chance. Couldn't have the chance to cut it life. Griffin, last question. I'm ready. Okay. Fill it right in your skin. This is one was sent by Krista Whalen.

Thank you, Krista. That's by Yahoo Answers user, Cheney Yo, who says, my son thinks that high school is going to be like high school musical. What should I do? I'm Justin Macaroy. I'm Travis Macaroy. He's Griffin Macaroy. He's been my brother and my brother to me.

Because you're bad. Just go around the lips. Come on.