My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 612: Love is a Competition

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

We recorded this early, but we desperately need an answer to a mystery. It’s been haunting us since the letter came in. PLEASE release us from this torment.Suggested talking points: You’re the Blood in My Bread, Gozer Beer, Work Glitter, The Tushless Town, Dark Green Iridescent MysteryNARAL Pro-Choice America: https://www.prochoiceamerica.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed Travis insists. He's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up you cool, baby? Precious friendship Could have never seen what was coming for me hangs at the skate park hangs by the beach my life It feels It's better it's better with you

It's better it's better It's better it's better Hello everybody, welcome to my brother my brother and me if I show for the modern era I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother Travis McElroy, and I'm Griffin. Hey guys. Hey guys Hey guys, well remember when we were kids Yeah, I'm publishers Clearinghouse Like people would win, you know, like a million dollars to get a big check who delivered those checks What who delivered those checks on the publishers Clearinghouse? Yeah

Ed McMahon Ed McMahon never worked for publishers Clearinghouse And like I just found this out seconds before we started recording that it's just like a huge Mandela effect No, no, no, no Mm-hmm. No is Ed McMahon from publishers. It was not Ed McMahon Justin Ed McMahon briefly worked for a competitor called America's publishing house But never worked for publishers Clearinghouse even though in there are like clips from TV shows Where the people on the TV shows were like it was Ed McMahon. He just called I've won the publishers Clearinghouse Are you fucking with me? I am not fucking with you Justin. Is it okay? Remembering now and first of all most of our young listeners are 12

Yeah And so they used to just come to people's doors with a big check and then like some balloons for some reason Yeah, like if they came to my door like hey, you're a millionaire and here's some balloons I would the balloons would not even I would not clock those the balloons for the kids this is Mandela effect like the baronstein bears and All the all of I can't think of another for some reason people there are some people who think Sinbad was in the Kazam movie And it was called shows they am or something And I know that was Shaq, but I don't that one's never done one

I don't subscribe to because I'm not a dumb dumb But anyway, they used to just come to your door and give you money I don't even think you had to put your name in sometimes Ed McMahon would just roll up to your house and be like here's But it wasn't a man is actually Vince McMahon and he would show up and be like you got some money for you And then when you took the check it's don't call Steve Austin would come and he would punch the check in half And he punched your neck in half and then and then he would get in your house and he would just take whatever he wanted Oh Griffin, I'm sorry. I actually just looked it up It wasn't Vince McMahon

It was Vince Vaughn and he would show up with John Fadrow mine But if you and they would say like your money, baby Yeah, you got so much money and you don't even know it Yeah, but there's a lot of like wrestling jokes we could make if we did go with my one I know but I can keep going with the swingers thing if you want But actually, you know what people thought that Vince McMahon was funnier. So that's like a Mandela effect too. Oh my god They're so weird and you know how people used to think that Cheerios were called yummy. Oh, that's a Mandela That's a Mandela effect. This shit freaks me out. It freaks me out, too

Yeah, so freaks out. I think it's kind of bullshit that like we're just now discovering that Nelson Mandela Acted like he was doing all sorts of good stuff. Mm-hmm, but really he was like He's just a dirty dog inside all your memories Changing everything up. Well, yeah, he built that alternate universe switcheroo machine Yeah, and there's like this. Do you guys know about the thing in Star Wars? Go on. The line is Star Wars. Ben Grimm. Ben Grimm is Star Wars. It's like it's Claver and Tom Yeah, that's right up the he actually never said that he said it's clubber in time That's a little thing Darth Vader part where you think he says

Luke I am your father spoiler, but really the real line that he says it's lightsaber time bitch. Yeah Yeah, I didn't know that I don't like repeating that I don't say that word like ever But it's but he that is what he looks up at him He's like my father's not like you and then Darth Vader is like it's whatever whatever idiot It's like yeah, yeah Yeah, a lot of people there's a lot from Star Wars that people forget about like yeah The one scene where a lot of people think Obi-Wan could only says like this lightsaber belong to your father Yeah, he says it saves time dingus. Yeah

Stands next to Luke and there is rewatch it tonight There's a 10-minute sequence with where a Luke is like trying to find the on switch Yeah, Obi-Wan Kenobi's just like blaze it blaze it blaze that shit and blaze it and then there's a part where Jabba's penis Is my clunky please his mclunky is just like out Yeah, and but and you see and you think about that you're like that can't be real Mandela effect And it's funny what our brains can do. Yeah, cuz Han keeps tripping on the penis He does trips on it. He falls in the star-lack mouth and dies and a lot of people get that to a lot of people don't remember that

Do you remember in Casablanca? He never says played against Sam? It's just when Sam started he yells that's my fucking jam Hey play my joint Sam. I think the line is he just goes up to Sam. He's like Sam Please play it for daddy, but we think that's so stupid. So our brains are like, you know, it'd be a way Hey, what's up Griffin? It's me Nelson Mandela inside your brain. You know, it'd be a more badass line and He twists it up on me. Yeah, the actual line He says doesn't amount to hill beans which sucks because I fucking love beans and like people always cut off that last part in Their brains because they forget about that long

Really long sequence of him just eating a bunch of beans A lot of people think a lot of people do think Justin go ahead. No, you go ahead No, I was following I was trying to like enhance yours. No, please go ahead Well, I was gonna be a pivot out So if you've got a chunky one go ahead and let it fly which is the classic line from Sandlot Yeah, that James Earl Jones When he's taunting the kids from over the fence He's peeking up over the fence like Wilson. He's like, you don't fucking got it

If you got a chunky one, let it fly No, then he's actually standing on the other side of the glove and has been for the past few months He's the one they crank one a lot of people remember the dog catching it in his mouth It was James Earl Jones caught it in his mouth and in gone with the win everybody thinks with guys my witness I'll never go hungry again, but really what happens is the wind Blows all the food out of the house and she says I got the monkeys like a motherfucker Yeah, and then they they don't have any more food because it's on with the wind And so she's like get back here with the wind, but then they go to subway. Yeah

And you know how everybody thinks eat fresh was a subway line. What I want that one's right Sometimes they're sometimes your brain's not playing tricks on you That's when it's the weirdest A lot of people think that this used to be an advice show that we actually did advice No, I'll win point to win point to win send me a clip of when we did this I'll wait I Couldn't find anything. I did it. Oh, yeah, but I couldn't couldn't find anything Let's start let's turn it over a new leaf and try to help people

This is an advice show if you have an actual advice query that we could help you with MB MB AM at maximum fun dot work is our email address. It's important. We give that out every four years or so Yeah, cuz we I don't know. I bet we see an influx. You're just sitting around. You're like, hey I gotta I need some help and we'll help you. It's not a problem. I don't mind I like doing it. I like doing it Contrary to the evidence of the past few hundred episodes. I like doing it. I do like doing it My favorite Korean sandwich place gives out punch cards For every ten items purchased you get a free sandwich

I've been collecting full-punch cards for years some have been gifts when I even found on the street Nice leaving towns soon and I want to claim my free sandwiches as soon as possible But I'm scared of being recognized as having received a free sub the day before What do I do if that happens? I have about six cards left. That's from nervous sandwich eater in Nebraska I mean you got to roll in and get all your sandwiches at once Yeah, you do this every if you come in for a free Sando every day. They're gonna get pretty annoyed and peoed with you Here's come in once and you're like seven sandos, please

Then it's always over and done with us. It's done. We need to hey, we need to as a society Start thinking more about whether or not employees are paid commission or not And I think that that will lighten up a lot of these concerns for you Five o'clock. They're going home no matter if you take all the bread and feed it to ducks outside Right, and then walk out. They're going home at five this person at this They're getting paid the same amount almost certainly and and here's the thing It's not like you've conned the system these punch card the punches only come when you buy a sandwich So they knew when they established this punch card deal

They knew what they were getting into that they were like, yeah, ten. We are charging ten percent more Then we should per sandwich you bought it. You already bought those sandos. That's what I except somebody Somebody bought this it's been paid for you gotta give gotta give credit though I I can never keep track of a punch card long enough to fill it out I don't actually understand why you didn't redeem You know, that's true because you buy enough sandwiches To refill those which means you could have used some of those To get free the sandwiches you paid for to get the punches on the card. Yeah, why didn't you redeem it?

You should have redeemed it. Were you saving it for like I'm gonna need I need to feel like I've Really achieved something today today's a free sandwich day, right that when they're like that'll be I don't know like eight dollars And you're like, no it won't and it's just like I need to know that the universe is on my side for this one today Get those sandwiches nobody cares nobody there cares nobody there is gonna get mad at you. This is you're overthinking it Go get those sandos and eat them all in one sitting in front of them You're overthinking it by the way We need to be careful because we could put ourselves out of business By just having that each episode is now five minutes long because we can answer

75% of questions with you're overthinking it. You're overthinking it just like you know go get some sandwiches Yeah, I mean, I don't know what to say. I mean, why didn't you redeem them? You could invest in some Why didn't you redeem them? You should have done this a long time when you fill one up? You You're hooked on the sense of achievement. You gotta let yourself Luxurious spoils you worked hard for those ten punches. Go get your free sandwich. There's nothing more delicious except a little pepper a genie unless I Don't know Trav. I don't know. Okay. Here's what I don't I don't want to break ten years of tradition

But I don't unless you're gonna get five friends and You're all gonna go in and each one is one by one gonna get the sandwich, right? And then what you're all gonna step outside and then they're gonna hand the other five sandwiches to you now It is important because this is the prestige the employees need to see this happen and they're like, oh They got us We fell for the oldest trick in the book. What does now it feels like I tell me now how that's better Because now it's a it's a bit now and it's a thing and you think that's people working at quiz nose one is Korean quiz

Sketch everybody likes to feel like they're a part of something Guess so and then even Andy Garcia Andy Garcia joins in in like the third one You know what I mean? Like he wants to be part of it, too Actually Travis it that doesn't happen in oceans and if I can't Andy Garcia is not even in them Holy shit. It's cherry. It's cherry Garcia his sister Carlos Mincee. Oh Carlos Mincee a place the bad guy in all of the oceans movies But it's not the same character. Oh really? Yeah, Carlos Mincee a place different bad guy characters throughout it. So Can I do a wizard?

Can you I guess I might do a wizard now Ben can't send this one in thank you Ben crushing it has always it is how to win And I love you more argument. Oh, thank God Which is also my favorite line from Star Wars where lay is like I love you and he's like I love you I love you the maximum amount, baby And then he gets frozen. Yeah, how do you win? I love you you more argument It turns out that there are a ton of ways you just have to get creative here We'll share some sweet and sassy comebacks that will make your so admit defeat read on to come out on top the next time you hear I love you more. I'm just glad that this

Articles finally acknowledging the truth, which is love is a competition. Yeah as our things as all and a battlefield But that's a different thing and a and a flower a rose with thorns. That's so true. Okay, fine Okay, so I number one. I love you the most dazzle them with a word. That's even better than more a child wrote this one Somewhere that's better than more a dish additional Even more I Love you incrementally a top your love. I double dog love you I have the ultimate level of these are more suggestions for I love you the most I have the ultimate level of love for you. My love for you is unparalleled. I love you more than what's humanly possible

All of those are okay. Okay. Stop. Yeah, you're a human. Yeah, you're a human. You can't right? I Love you. I got dog love for you, which is more than human love It's a special love my love for you who's exceeded maximum recommended settings. Yeah, I'm terrified The I'm burning up inside Because of the love I have for you my processing units just can't handle it. Oh god. Oh god I need a doctor For how much I love because I got a bad case of loving you like the song says but my serious because I could die I could you ever thought about that maybe it's two different statements and he's saying dr. Dr

Give me the news and then also doctor. I've got a bad case of loving you So it seems like he knows the new he has a diagnosis already That's the score but his is kind of WebMD like you just like googled it and the doctors probably got you're like the third dude today I Think about you day and night. Say you're totally smitten to be 100% victorious. Here's some suggestions Even after all this time. I'm absolutely obsessed with you. You're on my mind 24 7. I totally adore you I'm head over heels for you every second of the day Some of these are starting to send a little bit

Less of a I love you more competition and more something one might find in the journal of Someone that needs some help like you know what I mean like a killing guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I think about you day and night. I'm so obsessed with you I like even after all this time. I'm absolutely obsessed with you Acknowledging that times ravages should have reduced my love for you at this point Even though I know all the horrible shit about you and how terrible you are like 40% of the time I'm still pretty obsessed with you. I frequently forget to eat poop and sleep Because of the way the commas go in there Griffin. I

Gross I love you to the moon and back declare your loves out of this world to win your silly fight Tell them that there's nothing on earth that compared to how you feel about them You'll make them swim with your adoring words Suggestions you're my moon and stars. You're the sun in my life. My love for you is out of this world When you say you're my moon and stars, what does that mean because it's not like on a normal basis You the moon and stars are so very important to every individual that I'll my love for you has replaced your love for the moon and stars No, I think it's saying quite literally and it's stupid because you know what my moon and stars is the moon and stars Yeah, there's they're great. Yeah, they're up. They're up there every night doing it

I'm just saying that there's what you could say like you're my bread, right? I love bread You're the blood in my body, and I do need that. I don't know that I love my blood though I'm saying like I'm making optional. Well, okay, your blood is great though I got amazing blood But if I say like I love you more than I love Detective plus weird consultant procedural shows and that's a lot means something that means something You're gonna be here's where we really start to get into it You're gonna be my number one friend eternity

Tell them you'll always be their biggest fan to win them over bring up words like eternity forever or endless It'll be unmistakable that you'll always be there for your SO. I don't want a fan. I place you above everything else I worship you. You always come first. Your happiness is my biggest priority, babe. Gross. Babe, babe forever, babe We'll never die Hey, this is all shit that like 15 year old Travis said cuz he thought it was romantic. This is gross But it's getting there, isn't it? You think about this Mandela effect your brain is like that sucks, but really is good if Teresa said to me I'm your biggest fan for that is eternity for eternity for an endless forever. No, thank you

I worship you Travis Travis. Hey real quick. I worship you. I worship you eternally. Well, I appreciate that guys I mean that's definitely uneven as far as our yolks go I place you above everything else Travis forever and for eternity that is putting a lot of pressure on me as your brother But I really appreciate it and I also know frankly I can rise to that challenge If I had to choose but I'm not married to you guys here Let me try this next one if I had to choose the best part of my life It'd be you kissy face emoji con. Well, you're right about that They say they're say they're a gift so they'll melt and admit defeat say that just their presence is the highlight of their life

What? Your presence is the highlight of your life. That's great. That's actually pretty meaningful Can I just say this as whoever has written this article also does not know how to win and I love you more Competition because the way that you win I would argue is for your partner to be the one who loves you more like I love you more If you love the other person more you've lost, right? Yeah, so if they're like, I love you. I love you more good Well, I appreciate that. That's great. That's great for me. I guess checkmate. Oh Sorry, I don't love you as much as you love me, but I'm over here Loving it. Yeah, I appreciate hey awesome

Because I know how much I love you. Yeah, if you're small that fuck. Yeah, dude Or you could get really but her about it just like wow, I thought I love you the most but fuck me I guess yeah, I guess I'm the asshole. I guess I'm the real big butthole. I got proof I love you more. I bought you a ps5 be over the top and give them a gift to come out on top in your quote-unquote fight This is a great call for a special milestone like their birthday or an anniversary use a thoughtful gift as evidence For how much you adore them now? You do have to sit on that gift for a while. You're like, I have the okay I bought the ps5 now to get into and I love you more. I love you. I love you too. Fuck. Damn it. Fuck

Damn it. What are you sure you don't how much? What how much do you love me? What do you why why are you asking me that? Quantify it fight me. Just compare it to my love for you. Come on. It'll be fun I don't want to do that. I love you. I love you too. What are you fucking afraid of? Challenge me, but come on put yourself out there Here's some suggestions. It's obvious. I love you more. Just check out the package on your doorstep I think these concert tickets show. I love you more. I but I blow your love out of the park I booked us a trip to Maui. I like wow

The tents in that one sounds a lot like they're doing a little bit of role play Like oh, yeah, well my love. I blow your love out of the park. I cast Trip to Maui It's a critical. I wish I'd been there when this kid was like, what do you what do people? Where's a romantic place to go? Maui, I guess I also just say that sounds a little bit like whilst in the middle of the argument I've pulled up like Expedia or something on my phone and it's like, oh, yeah

I just but it's like you booked us a trip without talking to me for like how much did you spend? I'm busy that way. What if I was busy? I can't go. Don't get mad cuz I played my trap card We're gonna Maui. You lose. Good day, man You lose. All the dictionaries in the world wouldn't have enough words to describe my love If you're left speechless say words can't express all your love Let them know that there's no way you could tell them how much you love them even if you had all the phrases for love at your fingertips if you're with each other in person give your SO a hug to really seal the I love you flubiddy-bluiddy. Yeah. Yeah, I run out of breath if I listed all the ways

I love you. So what you want me to die Sheila? Come on. That's very selfish of you You're supposed to go buy all the books. Come on It take more than a lifetime to share everything I love about you So do not ask me to because we will both be dead at the end of it A trillion here's another one a trillion poems couldn't capture how much I love you You really use impressive numbers like 100 a million or a thousand to express that you can't qualify all your love Do they know that those three are not in order of size a

Hundred poems couldn't capture how much I love you. That's not really that impressive There's a grip of poems out there also almost certainly not true Right like this is that when you get into that like all these poems couldn't express how much I love you It's like, I don't know man. See like one you haven't even tried these good poems Like there's a lot of poems. Yeah, even that if it was just like roses are red violets are blue You're really great. Like I okay cool. Yeah, nice man. Like I love you a lot That's all you're expressing this whole time. Like you're not rewriting anything Yeah, and a lot of poems and a lot of people don't know this but I'm married to a poet and she has taught me a lot about this stuff

Is that some poems aren't even about loving someone? Yeah, I'm about like like a big strong baseball player And get this they don't even have to rhyme which I think is absolute horseshit Cuz that's just a story at that point right but a bad story where I didn't fill in all the details I just said a bunch of phrases together and you're like, oh the imagery. It's like, yeah But like how tall was he? We don't know. Yeah, I didn't put it in the story, right? Yeah, you know I was actually I was referencing Casey at the bat there, but then I forgot that at the end. He does strike out So like what spoilers he's not actually a star Wars and Casey at the bat He's not a good baseball player. So I'm saying he's a big strong idiot

Well, hold on. Fuck you Griffin even the best baseball player doesn't have like a one-point like batting average Everybody misses some time. This was an important Homer for him. So he's not clutch He can't handle the pressure doesn't mean he's not a good baseball player I'd like to see you try Casey's out there every day at the bat putting the work in and here you are doing it Are we finally? Are we finally talking about Casey? Yeah, man. Okay. We've been putting it off for a decade But let's fucking get this dude Why? Okay

The poem is about a guy that tries to hit baseball It's so hard. It's so important that he hits it. Oh my god. It's so important. They really need him to hit it Yeah, right. Yeah, it's like and he swings his great power and he misses only on the third one though The first two he lets go by and says not my style and like I didn't want to hit it. What an asshole Right, and then he chunks it and he doesn't do it and like Everyone this is how things went in the 1900s or I think yeah late 1880s Then he did it and everyone's like fuck. Yeah

This is my favorite poem ever. Yeah, I'm gonna keep bringing this up Go to my friends and be like guys. I just read the fucking cool It's about a guy who doesn't swing at a baseball a couple times and then he doesn't misses and bums everybody out And I think it's the best poem I've ever read Someone must have I think it's Melville, right? But somebody must have gone to him been like hey one note great problem Love the poem all the baseball stuff love it one note. What if he hit it at the end?

What if he hit it? Like and he cranked it Everybody was so jazzed and they went and had a great afternoon. No, it's Ernest there And it's like what if even the other teams fans were like Casey did a great job Casey okay, well he swings at the first pitch two notes He swings at the first pitch and totally nails it and everyone's like oh, thank God And then if you want maybe it's not like a walk-off for a month. You can change it be like he hits it They're up by two it's on base. He gets on base or something and then the next guy starts and then Jameson comes to a bat

Yeah, yeah, we can call it Jameson at the bat the sequel We call it the name of the poem is now Jameson cranks that shit after Casey puts up an impotent single Maybe and maybe Jameson really cranks it, but what's this? Oh the player will call him It will call him doing doing just like really leaps in the air like a nine-foot leap It's tremendous catches it out of the air. Yeah, so now it's like oh everybody did a great job Everybody did a great job doing especially swimming in tush. Oh, yeah, there could be four or five more stanzas And that's like and then yeah, maybe they're going over time. They're tied. Oh and the game never ends Everybody's swimming in tush by the end. Hey, everyone's swimming into it

That's the only way they can get them to stop playing They just call it and you can have all the tush you want There are two different towns in America that claim to be the real mud Why would you want to be that loser ass town sucks? Why do you want to be this beat down? Shitty town. Yeah, we're the biggest thing you got going is a dude lost at baseball and got no tush. That's us We're the tushless town All right, we're the ones where it happened or didn't happen You could give up and respond

I know in the argument by soaking up your so's love get a little cocky and say you're already totally aware They adore you. It's a great way to stop them in their tracks and make them laugh suggestions. Tell me something I don't know. Okay, sounds good to me. How could you not shrug emoji? Wow, I love you more. You're right. I'm sorry I'm trying to love you more, but I've just never known how to I'm the casey at the battle of love I'm trying to swing away and I keep missing and this won't for sure get you broke up with let's just agree We love each other equally. You're not really arguing Truth is truce is still pretty cute remind them that love doesn't have to be a battlefield even though

We have spent the last ten tips Demanding that love be a battlefield. I love you so much really matters your feelings for each other and celebrate that you're both completely in love Suggestions, why don't we call you even we're both a hundred percent in love? I don't want to argue. Let's just call it truth I'm really love. I think we should call it a day and just cuddle. I'm not gonna. I love you I love you more. Don't do this. Don't do this. Let's stop and cuddle. I'm not gonna cuddle with you You're fucking weak. We're driving a good thing to say. Yeah Okay, cuddle me. No, I'm driving cuddle me if you love me now If you love me, you'll let go of the wheel if you don't cuddle me right now means I love you the most and I will be

Consistently dissatisfied with the level of love that you're giving me. That's the subtext of this whole thing That's all don't do any of this Don't do any of this. No, don't do it. No, don't do I love you in a different way. Oh, that's cool I love you. You may love me more in the way that you love me But I love you in a very special way like the way a dog loves a person Oh, this okay, this is great when when your partner says I love you more you say like are we talking like per Pounds it's a ratio thing or is it just like right? We're just doing one-for-one love comparison Let's really break this down because I'm about four inches taller than you right so I would say my love per square inch

Yeah might be lower than yours, but still my overall number and by this one they've left the room They've left you. Yeah, you say I've got 60 pounds on you and that's pure love muscle And I'm not my wiener when I say that I mean the if you got 60 pound wiener. Oh my god Go to the hospital. That's my favorite stanza in Casey at the bat where it takes like actually it's like two or three stanzas that talks about like Every dimension of Casey's wiener. Yeah Where it's like He's like Now the leather-bound sphere comes hurtling through the air and did you check out?

This dude's on that massive hog They keep having to redraw the baselines because as Casey goes from base to base normal member just Dusts it away It's not just like a physical thickness. It's got a lot of emotional depth as well. Yeah, it reads the kids Little and everything. This is one incredible wiener. It's symbolic weight can actually be measured by physical scales That's how important this wiener. It's amazing and maybe he can't close the deal when he needs to But his automobile has a special side car

for his thing for that dirty thing that damn dirty thing case he's got Um That's it for this article. I feel like we did a good job with it. Yeah I'm glad we could help and I want to help somebody else. I'm not a mom. My thirst is still unslaked. Let's go wait What it has to wait we got help ourselves first Money I Can't tell you guys something

Okay, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry to be bringing this up now my time my time is valuable Yeah, money. It's my every second. I've done the math. Yeah every second of my life is worth 73 cents and I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but there's a lot of seconds in the day guys It adds up. Yeah, that's like $14 or something. Yeah, and you know what? I don't have Time to waste at the post office. That's time. I could be making money on Stocks and bonds and dividends. Yeah. Yeah, right or losing money Griffin with this market. It's tough out there Griffin not now. I'm really sorry the market. I've lost my shirt pants underwear kidneys a nut and

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So it's gonna reflect your look and you work with a stylist It's gonna try to anticipate sort of what they think that you will love Shipping is free returns exchanges all free and easy So sign up today at stitchfix.com slash my brother to get $20 off your first purchase That's stitchfix.com slash my brother to get $20 off your first purchase limited time offer Purchase within two days of sign up Hi, I'm jesse for an america's radio sweetheart, and I'm jordan morris boy detective our comedy podcast jordan jesse go Just celebrated its 15th anniversary. It was a couple months ago, but we forgot

Uh, yeah completely our silly show is 15 years old That makes it old enough to get its learners permanent and almost old enough to get the talk Wow, I hope you got the talk before then a lot of things have changed in 15 years Our show is not one of them. We're never changing and you can't make us Jordan jesse go the same forever at maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts I'm going first it's me jackie kaysha man. She's always is bossy I'm lori kill Martin we're a bunch of stand-up comics and

We've been doing comedy like 60 years total Both of us but we look amazing And we're running out we drop every monday on max fun And it's called the jackie lori show and you could listen to it and learn about comedy and learn about anchor management And all the things and jackie is married but childless and i'm unmarried but child full so together One complete woman Is that just what that what's gonna Yeah, and we try to make kyle laugh just like that and say oh my god every episode. It's a good job

Jackie and lori show monday is only our maximum fun Now now can we get back to help me? Yes, I would love this. Yeah, please. Thank you, but let's not help him too much No, I yeah for sure. I don't want to make ourselves obsolete. You know, you know, I get people an unrealistic expectation Thank you her abilities I'm at the bar and I need to order a beer Beer yippon there you go easy. Oh wait, they're in america Listen to this fucking guy I'm ordering a beer to celebrate getting my reports done

But he's distracted. Okay. I'm at the bar and I need to I don't know who the he is referring to probably the president Yeah, the one you might order A drink from yes, I'm at the bar and I need to order a beer to celebrate getting my reports done But the bartender is distracted watching austin powers and seems really into it Am I legally allowed to interrupt his bliss and order another bariski? That's from chillaxing in chapel hill now I want to talk to you for a second about an interesting little little thing you've done with your pros here You made it sound at the beginning

Like you're ready to begin drinking beers And it sounds by the end of the question Like you're settling in for another beer And I feel like you need to decide which one it is. Have you already been enjoying beers? Yes, Justin Or are you a new arrival here? You got that because I feel like it changes the tenor of your relationship with the bartender I would say that if you walk in

It sounds to me like the first beer was a motivation to work on the reports Right, this is my this is my co-worker now Well, this is a team effort between me and my friend beer And now I finished the reports and now it's time for a reward beer, which will be perhaps higher gravity Um, perhaps now I'm going to go for a goza. You know what I mean? I was having a lager before A gozer a gozer Yeah Gozer the gozerian indeed

Drink that spooky beer up I'm gonna let him take over my body and use me as the gatekeeper. Now. Here's the thing. I'm so erotic I also would guarantee I've been to a bar too. I said that that's all right. It didn't need to be said It's fine, but I thought I'd be thinking it. I thought it would be funny But I don't think it's actually that good if gozer gets in your body and Uses you as a vessel. Okay. Well, we all have our feelings about it Griffin. You've made yours clear That when you walked in you got your beer the bartender said it kind of get you anything else and then you said No

And that bartender then said to themselves cool back to austin powders Now it's your turn to reestablish the connection because you said you didn't want anything else Here's my suggestion. What do you guys think about this? You're going to laugh maybe a little too hard at the next justifiable joke That one might laugh at yes, you're gonna break them. No Until they look at you're like, oh laughing this hard sure makes me thirsty Okay, that's great. That's great. I love Travis. That's actually a good one. Just like He's proven next to tom arnold. That's hysterical. That's a good one

Why I got your attention over here. I would love a big bottle of wine. Yeah, or whatever You know, whatever you should or if you can get a word in edge wise you should just order Eight or nine beers so that you don't have to get them lined up. Maybe a flight Yeah, flight of big beers because I mean you can say like, oh, I'll get one during the funny poop scene with tom arnold but then like You're not gonna really have a big window there because the next joke is just gonna come Fast and furious right after that Either okay either the bartender is watching on dvd, which is a possibility I guess or way more likely it's on tbs

At which point there will be commercial breaks, right? I mean, I guess but like Who wants to wait for that? I can't keep tabs on awesome powers long enough. No, that's the bartender's job to keep tabs Yeah Thank you. God awesome powers is fucking funny. It's so good. I wish I was watching that instead of this When I get it man, because you look away from that for two minutes you're lost in the plot Yeah, it's it's going too fast. Yeah, man. It's really doing a balance of like comedy and Action and there's so much character work that you're like wait. Why do you see care about this now?

If this was the love guru, you would have plenty of windows to get in there and get the beverage that you need Yeah, there's some lengthy not that it's not funny But that it's they give their jokes a little bit more room to breathe in the love guru Yeah, they don't let you they don't let you get up No, no, no the page it's it's it's funny because it's like they said and how I married an expert It's like we're gonna have some jokes but mostly we're gonna have like a real story here that you really had to fall And then you got to awesome powers. They're like, you know what? We can focus a little bit more on the jokes all the jokes and they're like, you know what too many jokes

Love guru. We're just gonna have a few jokes. What about story? No No, so I mean love guru's got a good story in it. Does it Griffin? Yeah, and and also speaking of the been tavern Did you know that it is a spin-off of So I'm going to that I did. Yeah, I just can't get enough of that fact in the loosest In the loosest sense in the loosest sense Mike Myers you whatever you think about the quality of the pentaverate, which is wild and unassailable Um, it is wild that Mike Myers did a call shot of laying. Do you realize?

Mike Myers laid the mythology out of the pentaverate In so I married an expert wrote the check put it in a bible put the bible on a shelf Came back 25 years later opens the bible. What's this? Oh, that's right that check definitely forgot about the bible Definitely didn't completely forgot about the bible And then and then makes the pentaverate based on the mythology he established in so I married an ax murderer Un unfathomable Unfathomable, isn't it? Justin, I'm sorry. Isn't it more frankly that someone maybe edmund man showed up from

Netflix with a giant check and said but we do need you to give us this an idea right now And he just finished rewatching his own movie because that's what I would do if I was Mike Myers and I'd made so many classics God knows I watched my own tv show also I wish there was I wish there were more episodes just so I had more to watch over and over again man We're fucking funny, but then he was like not funny enough or too funny possible Pentaverate and they're like sold Mike So Mike thanks

Here's your big check. I'm Ed McMahon. Oh Sorry, I've recently taken up salsa dancing lessons and it's going really well The only problem is I get very sweaty when doing even the slightest amount of exercise Yes, me too This makes it particularly awkward when my dance partner has to touch my sweaty self Plus it doesn't look too graceful. How can I sweat less or at least sweat with style on the dance floor? That's from sizzling salsa boy in sydney. I mean I wish I glistened right the sweat the sweat is part of it It's part of it. It's part of it, but it shouldn't be all of it. Justin. It's all of it. It's sensual

It's connections. No, but this is the thing Justin There's a difference between him that glistening sheen of sweat, right, which is what we all strive for all the time Versus that just like oh, is it hot in here like that? I I did two hours of yard work this weekend And like you would have think I was thrown into a pool by a big bully I Call it work glitter because it's when I'm putting in the work Yes, you know what I mean when I'm putting in the work and I start to glisten with possibility of a renewed me That feels better and has more confidence

Like that's that that I treasure that sweat. I treasure it and for this the the the Sweat is just the sexuality oozy out of you all dances sex all sexes dance. This is my this is my theory That Lay it out. You can't think you just said it. No, he just said the whole theory. I believe which is all sexes dance I don't think it's sex sexes dance salsa dance, especially the wetter the better people will know Leave no doubt in their mind when they see how wet you are on that salsa dance floor So, okay ice dancing. That's ice sex. Yes, you're saying you dad, but you don't get that wet What about cha cha slob? Oh fuck. Yeah, that's sex man

The cha cha slob is a sort of prescribed sex It's like wait you guys don't have a caller during your sexual uh Exploits. Yeah, who's like no glide to the left and I would be like that's not the direction possible right now Side to side move. I said glide to the left. I'll try it. Whoa, you were right Whoa, that's why you hired me man. Now follow along Reverse reverse. I don't know but It feels great cha cha real smooth. I do I don't How

What about like shaker style dancing that's very Like does it give to be sit that kind of I don't think they do a lot of dancing in the adjustment Unless you like I guess they're shaking. Well, they move around a chair. There's a they move around a chair Oh, no griffin. You're thinking um of the uh fuck That's good. You're thinking of the fuck. Yeah, I'm thinking of musical chairs as long as trying to get to it just wasn't there I remember doing a chair based choreography in elementary school to Is a gift to be simple Um and think the whole time thinking like this is deeply deeply

erotic I think anybody who salsa dances and doesn't sweat is a cyber is a cyber person Yeah, that is and that's fine. You should be able to express your cyber feelings through the art of dance But you can't beat yourself up if you're not sweating. Yeah And you know what next time you're dancing with that partner and they feel that she never sweat on you You just you don't have to say that loud because don't be that person But you can think like you're welcome. I'm in it. Right. I'm in it. I'm here. You see my commitment It's easy. Thank you. It's a good sign. You ain't phone right in right like I'm literally giving it all I've got if I gave

Anymore I might pass out and every every dry Dave In that fucking dance floor probably looking at you the whole time like I wish I could get that wet also Who's to say you got to do this salsa dancing in like a big fancy suit or whatever you're wearing you're getting so warm Maybe just some shorts and like nothing else man. I'm that's I'm imagining them in a big talking head suit Just dancing and just like just just so Damp all over inside also just don't drink a lot of water for the 48 hours beforehand So that way you don't have any bad advice. You don't have any water to sweat, baby

This is bad advice. You'll die. No, you can't do that. I mean, there's other liquids You can drink the one thing I won't joke about on this show is hydration. Yeah, that's true. You're you know, you're right I'm so sorry, but I didn't mean it Drink water all the water you can't don't pee until you get on the floor I thought they in silver linings playbook. They were both and they were both so dry At the big scene in the end we're like time to win the dance contest and they do win it But they're dry. This is our third one that we have ruined. You must stop Hey, you ruined star wars casey at the bat silver linings playbook

We've you know who does this fucking right dirty dancing at the end when he's doing dirty dancing She was sweaty as hell and that's such a good work. That's the called sweaty dancing dirt is the man wet You see that room and you're like that man brought the humid in with him I think that um, a lot of people get yearbook quotes from this show and that's fine And if you do want to use the dirt is the man wet for that To let people you're uh, yeah your health yourself and your principal's gonna call you and be like What's this mean? I'm not saying no, but I mean letters and letters. Is there conjunction that should be in there?

What's happening be like you obviously don't know how to dance Yeah, man And he's like, oh, yeah, and then challenges you write that in there But he's gonna be so dry because he doesn't fucking know if he knew he would know what the dirt is the man wet means Kevin bacon's bringing the man wet too. Yeah, Kevin bacon bring and I'm not just talking about footloose He brings it in tremors too Lesser than dancing movie, but that's just the climate. Yeah Well, no, that's a dry climate. It was the being afraid of big worms

That makes that that makes the man wet also. He would be terrified of Casey at the bat It's not the it's just the tremors. He's afraid. It's not the heat. It's the monstrosity. Yeah, that's true Do we want to do another if we've been really zooming through these? I love these. I've never done all the I want to do another one. Let's do it A while back. I was a member of a fan forum for a show. We get it. Yeah, okay You don't have to play koi with us You used to like our show enough to be on a fair. I don't think that's it Keep going the rest of this question might rule us out. Who knows though?

I was chatting with the other four members about how much I love the beautiful dark green iridescent suit that one of the Griffin wears every recording The the what out of the blue one of the other members of the forum offered to give me an identical waistcoat from their closet That they need to get rid of I at the time I declined because I didn't know them very well But now I'm starting to get into wearing gothic style clothes and that waistcoat is really looking really tempting The only problem is it's been over years since they offered should I reach out to them and see if they still have it Or have I waited too long and lost my chance at having a sick-ass beetle vest

Okay, so that changes it at the end there doesn't it because I'm mine. I would not describe A beetle vest. I would not describe my dark green iridescent suit that I wear every recording as a beetle vest Oh Travis, I feel like you've got the highest likelihood of knowing what this person is referring. I'm trying to pull it, right? I'm thinking it's big bad beetle borgs I mean can't be that Wait, were you listing things you wanted to rule out? No? Tell me why it can't be big bad beetle borgs

If I'm right into my brother my brother me and I have a question that I I'm gonna take to them And I do have a way of and I want to make sure this this gets answered And I have the ability to tie it into big bad beetle borgs and thereby guarantee My participation in the program. I'm going and that's like we don't we don't do roommate questions or anything anymore But if somebody was like my fucking roommate stole my stole my potato chips again How do I make sure he doesn't steal my potato chips? also Big bad beetle borgs then guess what you're we are going to get into that

But please don't listen don't Does it not only set it the rule it's gone But that that has been the truth for a long time. So it's I can't help with your question, but I can't help with the mystery I love the dark green iridescent suit that one of the characters And it's a beetle vest. Well, it might not be an actual beetle. It might just be like uh iridescent and similar to A beetle's carapace, but they said that the person offered them a way to know who I bet I bet it's aro ARO

I bet it's aro Fuck aro have a waistcoat. Oh, I got a look now, but when I'm thinking dark green iridescent Aro beetles was Beatles Aro character suit very did you guys know hey griffin? What's a waistcoat? It's a waistcoat Travis shut up. Oh, what griffin? What's a waistcoat? It's like what pirates wears. Yes Griffin, what's a waistcoat? Just describe a waistcoat for me. It's a coat That cinches around the waist and it's what's pirate wears. Does it got sleeves? Yeah, it's a coat. Oh my god

No, it's a vest. It's a vest a waistcoat. So well, then they should fucking call it that Did you know I just learned this like Just oh, that was fun. So me and Justin were both dumb dumps, but Justin educated himself and then thought he would turn No, no, no, I just wanted to see if you were saying I'm admitting to my ignorance. I'm not like I'm not hiding You didn't let me quiz you so let me quiz you on some shit that both of us don't know but I'm gonna google real quick Okay, good. I believe you guys didn't know This is really embarrassing You know what's funny is the capital of arkansas

And a lot of people thought and just and what are you real quick? What do you think the capital of arkansas is? Little rock god dang it That's actually try different try different girlfriend. I'll try a different city Yeah, do you want about like animals? I'm over here trying to google beetle colored vest. Yeah I need you guys to And what you should be googling is the capital of um, uh fucking wyoming because I know it I mean, I don't know it, but what do you know? Oh, you do. Oh, you don't know what is it?

Justin you say it now quick before you try and google that you Yeah, what I go that one. I had to google that one. I had to go. It's gotta be aro It's gotta be aro. I'm not finding a lot of pictures of him in a suit though I mean, you wouldn't heard that you just need it in a vest Just need aro green vest. He was just as green now. He said okay, but wait if they said is a vest that one of the characters wears That tells me that that's like a uniform. This is their costume, right? It's not just like They don't say sometimes with yeah, they say like all the times where it's all the time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Okay, and it's gotta be show the fan for him beautiful darker. See that's what's making me think

Yeah, nobody cares nobody gives a shit about aro. That is not true Griffin. I've never met anybody who's like Love you gotta be watching then you need to get your fucking shit together, bro That's not true at the first comic con I ever went to I thought I would be trampled until dead by by real aro heads Yes, that is what we call ourselves somebody else. I was chilling and I was like looking at pokemon cards and somebody's like It's a fucking aro and then all of it was like a herd of wildebeest Just set upon me It might if it's a gothic style, you're doesn't green vest. It might be Aro something supernatural, but I don't I don't I can't picture it

okay, hmm does anybody on um Riverdale where vests don't watch Riverdale. It doesn't have a you don't have to watch Riverdale the google Riverdale vests I'm just I want you to know if it's not detective plus weird consultant. I don't watch it Justin If it's not lucifer or numbers or mentalist or monk or psych or lie to me I found it. What is it? What is it jughead? Where's the power vest? Jughead, where's the power vest jughead? Where's the power vest? Jug like jughead vest. Jughead. Where's the power vest when they are like doing when they're like trying to find out who the criminal is

Jughead, where's the power Justin you mean when he activates Justin, please tell me, you know all the weird shit that happens in that tv show. It's off the rails It's yes. What I have said was clearly a joke, but also like wilder shit hath happened Um, yeah, but jughead jughead does have the power vest and that's what he wears to go fast Well, I love that bit when he's like gotta go fast Then he puts on an emerald beetle vest and he zooms away and everyone's like whoa And then he zooms back because he forgot all of his cheeseburgers I googled characters who wear vests. That was a mistake. That was let me see. I'm looking at now

It's a lad in it said jughead and then parentheses power vest wearer and then um aero So it's one of those three Um, yeah, there's a lot of vests in popular culture Really? yeah, interesting like um, wait a minute is it the from is it um Somebody from neruto neruto wear a vest

The waist cut this is what's problematic about this is the Well, one it's not entertaining, but the second thing is that Oh, maybe it's outlander seems like people are wow outlander. It's probably outlander in fact Let's just assume it's let's just call it for outlander. Oh, yeah It's joker. It's gotta be joker. Then what's the what's the tv show? Justin? Joker's wild Show Yeah, you got me

Yeah, yo, you know what there was that crossover event outlander big bad beetleborgs Where they travel back in time and they're like you want a shag baby? And then she's like, yeah, but then the big bad beetleborgs show up with their crazy genie ghost And I remember that you better not that was basically uh jay Leno Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I mean everybody knows that But I guess it is important if you don't know that that the genie was jay Leno to know that they hate sex And so they show up time travel they go back in time. They say you better not do it

It is weird how much they brought up abstinence on that show and not just like premarital abstinence. It's just like forever Yeah, the biggest baddest beagle beagle bork is Abstinence that's where the beetle bork's power came from. Yes of the the cages around their genitals Yeah, man for sure definitely That was rarely talked about except on the fan forums. Oh, what about the boys the boys Wait a minute. No, wait. It's got to be the boys or Loki. Oh, I bet it's Loki. It's got to be Loki It's got to be because the boys if you're talking about the aquaman, dude The aquaman I wouldn't call that away. That's not very gothic though, but Loki for sure

Loki all right. Hey gosh, I love this. It was Loki. They would have said Loki This is clearly something they're deeply ashamed of the same. Yeah, there is shame there. We like Loki We hate beetle borks Don't even email us about the beetle borks. We hate those abstinent freaks Please write in What the vest is from so we could die And Justin you're saying Loki Travis

No, I want to say the boys. I'm going to say Loki. Loki feels right. Okay I'm going to say Oh, but wait a minute The clue of gothic style. Yeah. Yeah We've ignored that Loki doesn't have a gothic style And I wouldn't say that the when he's wearing the president Loki off now when it's not it's not like a beetle at all It's just green I'm going to say Samurai pizza cats and leave it there. Okay

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. If you can help us This is all that I care about it. We're also recording this a week ahead of time And don't think I won't be thinking about it for an entire week. We're not going to get any Any sort of that's probably gotta publish this episode early. So I could yeah, this guy early. I have to have it I mean Ozark I'm I mean, I literally just found a listing for Loki necessary evil gothic vest Why necessary? I don't know what that part's about but the gothic vest It's right there

Okay, thank you for thank you for listening Please email if you can help I don't normally do that, but I also don't read our email. So I'm feeling pretty confident about it right now Um, thanks to everybody that has listened to our show for 10 years. That's cool. Thank you We're recording this early. So if there's like some funny Fast food thing that happened in the past week and you're like, why didn't they I'll get you next time no big deal

also, no, we uh We've got a live show too. We're coming up in june June 17th through the 19th. We're doing an adventure zone and an mb mb am in Boston on the 17th and 18th and we'll be doing another mb mb am And mash and tuck it on the 19th get those tickets as well as tickets for our salt lake city show Portland show San Diego, Washington, Detroit and Cincinnati shows at bit.ly slash McElroy tours They're super fun and we love doing those live shows and we hope to see you there Mask and proof of full vaccination or negative covid tests within 72 hours of event start is required

Dad's got goldies guide to grandchilding. It's out now Go get it It's really good and really cute and you and your kids or any kid in your life. He's gonna love it It's at link tree young at heart. Okay L i n k t r dot e e slash goldies guide Uh, we got new merch coming out this wednesday. We got a count doughnut pin designed by kevin budnick Uh, we've got a taz sticker sheet designed by lindoyle Uh, we've got 10 percent of all proceeds this month go to fairness west virginia

The statewide civil rights advocacy organization dedicated to fair treatment and civil rights for lesbian gay bisexual and transgender west virginians Uh, so go check out all that new stuff and all the cool stuff that's already on there mackroymerch.com Hey, thanks to montane for these four themes so my life is better with you Got a new single coming out that montane. Oh, yeah Uh, you should you should just go listen all of montane's music. Uh, she's been really cranking out some real jammers Um, and you're gonna you're gonna really shake shake your booty to him and griff, you know What I need I do. I need that tom hiddleston

Impression from you. Okay to close this out. Sure Who is that? Loki He is the remember we saw him one time walking out of a party that we were going to go into Oh, you're right highlight of my life. Okay. I'll say what he I'll say what he said then when we saw him walking out Yes, please this car. Okay um Where's my fucking spaghetti

My name is jester mackroy. I'm griff and mackleroy. It's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips It's better with you It's better with you Maximum fun org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported