My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 615: Face 2 Face: Zap Daddies

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Live from the road in beautiful Beantown, it’s the Fancy Takes Flight Boston Show. Now there’s only one McElroy brother who hasn’t gotten stuck in a bathroom before a live show, but don’t worry, his time will come sooner or later.Suggested talking points: Personal Pan Watermelon, Bring Your Python to Work Day, Goodbye Vessel, It’s Time To Summon Grandpa’s GhostFairness West Virginia: https://fairnesswv.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's rapping into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like... It's better, it's better with you. My life, it's better, it's better with you. This is true, it's better, it's better with you. My life, it's better with you. Hello everybody and welcome to my brother. My brother made an advice show for the Modrin era.

Your starting lineup. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. Does anyone know the Wi-Fi password? I'll share it with you Griffin. And I'm the sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Hey, thanks. While they're doing that, this is perfect.

Hi, this is an advice show. And Boston, one of our favorite towns, like the Chilean miners, before us we have reemerged from the ground to be with you here. What a thrill it is to be back here. Only now do I think about the fact that we didn't talk about what our intro was going to be. Oh, I think we know what the intro is going to be. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so here's the deal.

At a rough time getting here to your beautiful town, through no fault of yours, I assure you, unless you work at the airport, in which case, better luck next time. Or if you control the weather. If you're a storm from the X-Men. So anyway, my flight got canceled. I ended up being rerouted instead of going to Cincinnati to Boston. I got rerouted Cincinnati to Norfolk, Virginia,

which actually made me further from Boston than when I started at my house eight hours before. So, I take the, I drive, I get a car, I drive up to Washington DC. Show me how you drive? Show me one more time driving? Yeah, that's what it looks like tonight. Please don't drive like that. Oh, God, no. You and Mutley out there with the other wacky racers.

I got up to Washington and then DC and then took the beautiful acela train all the way. Beautiful steel beast. Anyone who's listened to enough, my brother, specifically live shows, knows how rejuvenating a train ride can be. So I'm having an amazing seven hour train ride up to Boston, loving it. Don't laugh. It's amazing. My kids aren't there.

I can't be clear enough about that. I'm having the time of my life. I'm catching up on Barry. I'm 10 steps from the soda and popcorn. I'm living my best life. Anyone who was here, I also have to say last night, dad was not able to make it to the test show because of similar travel things. And in the middle of a thread of probably 200 texts as we're trying to figure this out.

Justin texts, I'm worried. And Paul, our stage manager slash tour manager says, oh my God, what? And Justin says, I'm worried they'll make me get off the train when I get to Boston. Don't take that as a slight notice that he can measure up to a train. So I'm on the train. I'm about five hours in. I decided to treat myself to perhaps my eighth bathroom break. I'm like, it's for the DVTs.

It's important to stay mobile. I go into the bathroom and I shut the door and a gentleman over tells. As one does, I go to leave the bathroom. The door does not open. And I try and I try to really pull and then the claustrophobia starts really setting in really bad because I'm trapped in a bathroom on the train. And I'm pulling on the thing and then I notice there's a button to call attendant. So I got problem solved.

Yeah, problem solved, right? Can I ask how long you tried to get out of there yourself before you press the button specifically for getting trapped in the bathroom? 45 seconds. Oh, wow. Actually longer than I would have thought. The panic was kicking in at this point because I was in a closed space. It's a dilation of time.

Einstein talked about it when you're trapped in a dream bathroom. I'm leaning on the button and pressing the button. I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting. No one's coming. I don't know if the button is creating a sustained noise or it's like I push it. It's on. Just chill. Did you try a few different patterns?

No one comes for about five minutes. And I'm still in the bathroom and I'm starting to lose it pretty bad at this point. I'll be honest. And I start pounding on the doors. Help, help, help. And I'm pounding. I'm pounding. I'm pounding.

I'm finally like in all my moving and jerking. I find that what has happened is the train has come off the track. No, not the train. Sorry. Holy shit. Jesus. That was a pretty bad slip of the tongue. My apologies.

What a lie. And so here's the thing. There's fire everywhere. No, no, no. So this isn't happening. This was fine. The door, you know, the sliding door to the bathroom has come off the track. So I think, okay, well.

That's a different, the stakes of that sentence are so profoundly different. Because even if you arrive to the station trapped in a bathroom, you still got to the station. The distance between I was trapped with my own embarrassing doodoo smell versus a hundred souls. So the door had come off the track through an impressive amount of Herculean effort. I lift the door up and get it back in its track. It pops right open.

Great. Now I also have not thought about this the first time you told the story, but also you must have closed it too hard. Right? No. I closed it perfectly. Yeah. What'd you do?

Everyone knows that I closed bathroom doors. You must have been so excited to do this. Okay. So I open the door and I very coolly walk back to my seat. Now I walk past someone who looks at me when I come out and it occurs to me. This must be very confusing for them because they're seated right next to the bathroom door. So in their experience, a Husky Boy walks into the bathroom, they hear a lot of pounding

and screaming for help, and then same Husky Boy walks out of the bathroom, not a care in the world. Now hold on. Well, okay, that side was very concerned about what that person thought until I realized this motherfucker, there it is, listened to my cries of agony and terror. And did nothing. So their experience was, help me, help me, I'm like, oh man, I hope somebody helps that guy.

Or alternatively, help me, help me. What did they do to deserve this? Can I ask what you all would do in that seat though? Because I imagine my thought process would be, this would probably be a pretty uncomfortable social engagement for myself. So I'm going to hope that someone else comes or the Husky Boy dies inside the bathroom. Because here would be my fear, I would engage and then realize there was nothing I could do to help and then have to hit that point of, well, I'm going to go back to my seat.

One of my, no, no, no, no. One of my favorite ways to help strangers is when the job is to get an adult. That's fantastic. I can get an adult every time. You look for someone in like a hat with something on it usually, a clipboard preferably, a clipboard, a name tag, and then that adult takes over. Go grab, pull on the collar of CGI Tom Hanks and get him to... So that was my harrowing journey here to Boston, but I'm so happy to be here with you now.

This is an advice show. Here's advice. Here's advice number one. If someone needs train-based bathroom help, be the change you want to see in the world. Thank you. Listen, there's so many problems every day we can't do anything about. One Husky Boy trapped in a bathroom. You can beat the Cyberman.

I can say I'm a Husky Boy. Don't take liberties. I didn't do it for shorthand, Justin. This is an advice show, still, and we're going to help people. You all sent us some questions, and I'm going to read the first of those questions now, and then we will turn that question out to me like a wisdom. Here we go. Fruit is my favorite food already.

That's a bad start. That's a bad start. Fruit can't be your fit. That's like, building is my favorite rectangle. Like what do you mean? The wild, there's literally a saying about comparing one fruit to another fruit. Yeah, that is so different. Fruit is my favorite food.

Yesterday, I brought an entire watermelon with me to a theater rehearsal along with a knife so I could slice it up to eat. Good so far. I brought a knife to my job. Now imagine you're at a rehearsal and you see someone doing that and think about what you would assume. Then this question continues. My castmates all assumed I had brought it to share.

Brothers, is there any acceptable way to explain that the whole watermelon is for me? From Mellon Collie in Massachusetts. All right. Hold on. Wait, wait. It's a very good name. It's a very good name. It's a very good name.

Here. Okay. Now, here's, do you have a knife now or a melon? No. Okay. That's great. So here's the thing. There was a point where someone said, oh, he brought a watermelon to share or some variation

of that. And what you could have said was, yeah, but you decided in that moment or maybe didn't and you just said there's no going back. No. No, this is a personal watermelon. It's a personal pan watermelon. Because there was nothing stopping you from sharing it from that point forward. Right.

You had not written all over it like just mine. Except maybe you had planned your whole day around and joined this beautiful juicy boy and you didn't feel like sharing. Did you wait, did you break down and share? You did. Congratulations. Wait, hold on. After you said it's not for sharing and then broke down because lose, lose.

Yeah. That's the worst of both worlds. I think if you have a snack that requires a knife, people are going to think you're going to share it. If your snack requires a knife, then it's for sharing. Then you might be right now. If your snack requires a knife. Can you get real quick, can you break me off a single other knife based snack?

Peanut butter crackers. No, no, no. It's like cheese block. Cheese block. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Are you sharing cheese? No, I'm not.

You also. Okay. Fruit. We covered that. Loaf of bread. You bring a loaf and a knife sharing. Bring two slices. That's your snack.

An odd snack, perhaps, but a snack it may be. Did you think about afterwards like, I should have cut this at home? Probably. I'm going to say probably. That probably crossed their mind. If you had a big Ziploc bag of wedges, you definitely would not be getting hassled. No, here's what you do. A bunch of individuals Ziploc bags of one wedge.

With your name on every bag. You eat the wedge and then you put another one like, didn't they already? They definitely are. This is my first watermelon course. And then my second watermelon course. What I've done is I've created myself a feast of watermelon nine ways. Fruit's your favorite food? There's a lot of wicked, good, not fruit based food out there.

Also, it's your favorite food group. And that's an answer. But if I said, what's your favorite food and you said fruit, I'd be like, you've got a mirror there. Now, okay, but wait, I say my favorite food is cereal. Yeah, that's, but that's a variation because I could say like my favorite food is steak and you could cook a steak different ways or put different toppings on top of it. That's like my wife says her favorite food soup.

She doesn't say her favorite food is liquid. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. There you go. Okay. What's your favorite food? Beverage. They do sell personal watermelons.

I know I've seen them at the Kroger, the Cha-Cha Fancy Kroger, not the bad Kroger over on First Street, the good Kroger. And they have watermelons there that are just personal. They're called personal watermelons. That's very helpful. Thank you, Justin. I'm just saying, if you want to probably answer. So if you find yourself in Huntington, that's where to find the small watermelons.

Don't go to the, don't go to the bad Kroger on First Street or the Fifth Avenue Kroger, but I shouldn't need to tell you that. Can I say, I actually envy it a little bit because my wife and I were talking about this the other day. My wife. My wife. When we buy a watermelon, because our kids say they like watermelon, and they like it to a point.

Yeah. And unfortunately, that point is not finished, right? And so it's like, oh, I do want some watermelon, and the rest is for the gods or whatever. And I know we have a policy of like not giving each other parenting advice, but I think it's kind of messed up that you do make them eat the rind and everything. Now Gryffin, it's so funny that you should say make them, well, I would say actively have to work to stop them from eating the rind as they go, I don't like this part. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm going to say no one's making you.

I got in this bad, somehow the TikTok algorithm got fucked up for me and I'm getting tons of videos about how to make jellies out of food scraps and it's like, use the watermelon and you can make a jelly out of this. And it's always some charming woman with a southern accent. She's like, anyway, you got a bunch of corn cobs, don't throw those corn cobs away. And it's like, can I please throw the corn cobs away? I don't, I, now I have, every time I eat corn, I am now going to be burdened with a half second of like, should I hold on?

This is perfectly good jelly. I'm basically tossing. I'm throwing away jelly ingredients between Facebook videos and TikTok. My aspirations have reached that point of like, listen, I loved to be the kind of person who did something with corn cobs. I used to have dreams and that's what, that's what I started to give. They should have a service where someone comes in, picks up your corn cobs and makes jelly out of them for you.

Ethical sort of. Yeah. Ethical corn base. Farm to table. And then back to farm. They drive an ethanol fueled car and they just, okay. The office I work at is pretty small and laid back. Some of my coworkers will occasionally bring their dogs or cats in for the day.

It's a great way to brighten up an otherwise tedious work day. I obviously want to get in on the fun and when I don't have a dog or cat, I do have a four foot long ball python. I wait. He is very polite. It says right there. Excuse me. What?

Oh yeah. If I may. If I may, I don't mean to interrupt, but also if I may, your mouse looks delicious. Is anyone going to eat this mouse, if not, I know, I don't want to slither on any toes. What are your thoughts on snakes in the workplace? Should I do this? Also, what's the best way to sneak a reptile onto public transit? That's from the, the snake whisperer in South Boston.

Are you here? What? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Wow. There's five people. Are there six of you? A lot of snake, snake people in the workplace.

Okay. Listen, two things about the second part of that question. Yeah. Do not sneak a snake onto a bus. I would much rather see a human being carrying it above their head than suddenly look over and be like, well, there's a snake. I wasn't exactly to see there. Also, I've ridden public transit a lot.

They won't stop you from bringing a snake on a bus. No way. Especially not if you put a little hat on him. Oh, that was also my answer for the office part. Put a little hat on him. No matter how upset you got, like, wait, is that a, oh, what a gentleman. What a little hat. Oh, hello, little snake Lincoln.

Like that's so good. In fact, a monocle would take it one step up. That's ridiculous. Yeah. You're not going to say it and I felt it too far. You're going to have to glue it on and that's immoral. Well they would shed the skin that the hat is glued to. So it's all okay.

And that's kind of like temporary. Yeah. And you can also do a little elastic strap around the bottom and he's going to love that. It's going to come off in the first bath. They give him though. Well, you're not giving him a bath at work, Justin. Don't be silly.

That's right. That's true. That's a good point. I don't mind if you bring a snake. Sure. Huh. That wasn't what I thought your answer would be. In the workplace?

I'd rather you bring a snake. Well, you don't know what the job is to be fair. Now I'm saying if I brought a snake on stage, since this is our workplace, that doesn't... That's very generous. Thank you. I... I fuck with snakes. I fuck with snakes.

It's fine. Do you think that that was a weird conversation? Jake the snake? I have to have a lot. I was like, and you guys are okay with... Is everybody okay with this? Is everybody fine if I bring a snake in? Because it's kind of my thing.

But if not, I get it. I will say this. I'll be Jake the Rake tonight. I will say this. If you bring a... There's a snake with a hat on the screen. Who's gonna... Why does he look like he belongs in a Wes Anderson film?

He does. I believe he means... Wes... That's what Paul is doing instead of refilling my drink, Paul. If you bring a dog in the workplace and someone's like, how's it go? And you're like, it didn't go great. That means that the dog peed on the carpet. Correct.

If you bring a snake into the workplace and someone says, how did it go? And you said, not great. It ate the dog. Yeah. It's what happened on that one. It did strangle John Voight a little bit. No big deal. I think the snake's fine.

I just don't... I'm not bothered by snakes. Can I tell you? Can I tell you what's messing me up, Justin? What's up? Don't bring a mouse? I know what animal one could bring though and mess you up. And I know what animal one could bring though and mess me up.

I got no idea. Yeah. What's your... I have no fear. Hey, Griffin. Yeah. That's patently unsure. What animal, if you walked on stage, right?

If there's a spider of any size, I'm out. If there's a mouse rat in like, rodent. I've seen Justin big, small, whatever. It doesn't matter to me. It's off. What's the thing? I'll give each one of them a sweet little kiss. So what's the thing that you came out?

I... I'm not... I'm not going to tell you, and I'm certainly not going to tell... No, you know too much about Justin and I. It's too much of... Yeah. The imbalance is powerful. Yes!

The snake is the natural enemy of the mouse. I don't like mice. And the spider, I'm pretty sure. What? Yeah, the snake would eat a spider. And John Voight, I'm terrified of that, dude. I knew it! So if you came out, there was a John Voight on the table.

I shit my pants. I live at the corner of a very busy intersection, and there's a bus stop directly in front of my steps. Snake people, keep getting off of it in droves. Wait, hold on. People with snakes or snake people? It's terrifying. Yeah. I'm just kidding, snake people.

Go for it. Chase your dream. Which one? Yes! I live at the corner of a very busy intersection, and there's a bus stop directly in front of my steps. Whenever I order food, I ask the delivery person to leave it on the porch. When I come out to get the food, there are usually several people facing me as I walk out. What?

So they're just standing at the bus stop. I assume the street is away from your house, but they're all turned. You're getting hung up on geography. You need a diagram. They're chanting my name in harmony for saying. Oh, I'm Shabbat. Okay, okay. The other day, an old man saw me do this and said,

What do you got there? Pizza? Nice. What do you got there? Pizza? Nice. May I take a run on that? Yeah, sure.

What do you got there? Pizza. Nice. Real nice. Is there something I should have said in that situation? Walk off, Perv. Should I? Sorry, Noid.

Better luck next time. I saw right through your old man disguise, Noid. Wait, your face isn't coming off, Noid. Oh God, it did come off. Should I pretend I don't notice the people standing less than 10 feet away, or would that make it worse? That's from the food goblin of Waltham, Massachusetts. Are you here?

Wait, are you, are you here? Yep. Yep. Yep. I just realized that someone who asked this question probably doesn't want the eyes of thousands of strangers. Suddenly, what are you watching? My brother, my mother, me?

Nice. Nice. You could do what I imagine, or I've been told or I've seen in videos, that like actual celebrities do when there's like paparazzi and people outside their house on like Hollywood tours and they come out to get their paper, you come out and you get your pizza or whatever and you're still like, oh, all right, hi. I'm just like you. Hi, right, yes.

Hi, it's me, the guy who ordered food to here. I got Duncan too. It's just like everybody else. Just like you. You could do what my son Henry does whenever somebody asks him a question he doesn't want to answer, which is that you do your best Shrek voice. And you say, get off my swamp. So Griffin FaceTime with Rachel before the show and we were talking about going to the

aquarium today and Henry started telling Rachel about seeing the Shrek's at the aquarium. Yeah. And then Rachel asked like, did they do tricks and Henry said, no, they just slapped each other. Just slapped each other. Which is like, yeah, that's what a bunch of Shrek's at an aquarium would do. They would probably just slap each other quite a bit while shouting, get out my swamp. Hey, I'm just going to say, I really think that, and I know we spent a lot of money to

build it. This Shrek enclosure was a mistake. Yeah. Shrek's should be in the water. Shrek's run free. This is what I'm saying. Were there really Shrek's at the aquarium? Yeah, you missed them.

Oh man. It was, there was penguins in one section and then Shrek's in another. But they had to keep the donkeys really far away. Okay. Do you know what kind of donut Shrek loves? What kind Travis? Donkeys. It's fucking nothing, dude.

This is my favorite part of our podcast, which is where I make Travis till three more Shrek jokes. He took off the crown, which is an acknowledgement. This part's not for you. It's for me. You know what the most awkward part of being an ogre parent is? What's that Travis? Shrek's talk.

There you go. Y'all are going to freak the fuck out when you see how fast my cool brother Travis thinks of two more good Shrek jokes. You're going to be like, hold on, hold on to your ass. Hey, did you hear why the Shrek got overwhelmed by bills? Why Travis? They were swamped. I'm going to say you need two more Shrek jokes.

Fuck, that was one. That was one and a half. Okay, I'll do one and a half. I'll give you that. Tell half of one more Shrek joke. And this one can just be a setup and you don't have to do the punchline. Everybody get right on it. All right, all right, all right.

Because they were stalking them. Oh yeah, what was it? I don't know, but I don't like it. I know. Do you know why Shrek's love onions? Why Travis? They appeal to them. Fucking hell, man.

You didn't say they had to be good jokes. That air horn was sick. It was a sick and broken air horn. It's a living. I don't want to be agist up here, but like, you'll notice that like, once you get old, you'll just say whatever. It's all I want, Justin. Whatever hobes into your brain at that moment, you'll just say.

Especially if you get a bunch of old people together. Yes. Four. Four specifically. Four old people together, get so rowdy. I was waiting for the elevator at the hotel, right? To go back. I had just gotten a breakfast to enjoy by myself without my children.

Very much looking forward to it, honestly. Just a donut. You won't have to bite a bite off of to get it like, oh, man. So I bought this for me. I'm waiting there and a sweaty guy runs up to me and it's like, fine. And then, um, I get, we all get it, pal. Okay. You're actually.

Wait, you're not going to give context. He probably was working out. Exercise. We're not, we're not in like a kind of on the run from the government kind of sweaty. I don't know that. It's just. You don't, you don't have that. Travis, I love you.

Just please let me tell this not very good story. So the sweaty guy runs up to me. No problem. Then four old people just rolled up in like a wolf pack, like an old person wolf pack. And they're like, welcome to this dude. And they're standing there at the elevator. They managed to wait all of five seconds, restraining themselves before the lady who I think was their leader looks at this guy. And it's like, somebody's been exercising.

Oh, can you give this guy anything, give him something to respond to that is some, some sort of prompt that requires a response. Then immediately the terror starts to seep into my heart. I've just got a big bag of waffles and eggs. Oh no. Last thing I need is these old people interrogating me. Oh, looks like somebody's eating good or the classic. Have you got enough to share? Oh God, because then you're like, I don't, but should I say that?

I don't, but should I be like, I have an English muffin. I'm probably not going to. Do you guys like loose pads of butter? I don't know what it is. They feel so empowered when you get four older people together. It's fantastic. Good for them. They've earned that.

Today I was at the old North church. I sat down with my daughter for one second and I heard behind me, purple, huh? And I looked and there was just an old man with a very big camera in his hands. And then he proceeded to say nothing else. Excellent. Excellent. So all he gave me was purple, huh? A color and a sound.

I'm into an age where you feel like talking, but don't feel like listening. Yeah. And these are the things that you say. I want to say something right now, but I don't want to hear what the person says back to me. One day I will be old enough to think, I just want to say something that haunts someone for months. Yeah. I want someone to talk about this on a podcast. I'm a shore bird monitor on Martha's vineyard.

A what? A shore bird monitor brag on Martha's vineyard. So my job requires me to interact with a lot of beach nesting birds who are very much not chill with me. Yeah. Some particularly aggressive birds will even dive bomb my head with their razor sharp beaks. And it's pretty intimidating. How do I communicate to the birds that I'm a cool person who doesn't want to eat their babies and that I'm here to protect them?

That's what you would say. That's from bird brain and oak bluffs. Are you here? Right. All right. And you definitely won't eat their babies. You promised. Thank you on behalf of all the birds.

You promised. You're not going to. Before we can address this, we need a solemn value. You are not going to eat any shore bird babies. If there's like a .0001% chance you might eat their babies, you have to say so. Just scream at the top of your lungs. I promise not to eat the babies. That wasn't what he said.

That's not what I said. That's my pinky is down here. It's meaningless. It's too late now. I'm going to tell the birds. The birds are wise to dislike you. You're a human. Yeah.

I bet pretty much all animals, but dogs agree we're the worst. The animals that are right humans are the worst. The worst ones. And I guarantee there's even some dogs that are like, I think they're okay. I think they're all right, but they don't say it to other animals. Hey, I'm not getting down with this bit, man. I'm proud to be a human. You are?

Because I drink Coca-Cola with my mouth, got opposable thumbs to play Xbox. And I drive my bike down south and I proudly stand up next to you, my human friends and kids. I said I'm proud to be a human. God bless the USA. Okay, that's good. You know what actually grievance changed my mind? Okay. I made a lot of good points.

A lot of solid points there. You need to walk out of these birds, look them right in the eye and say, I'm the alpha now. Yeah. 1v1 me a halo. Oh, wait, you can't. You're a bird. No, Justin, I don't want to hear it. You're going to make these birds look like dumb shits.

One bird could say- You're flustered over that because you know I kicked ass with my good song. And I know which side of the bread I'm buttered on. One bird could say to another, I don't know, Sheila's not that bad. And then the second bird says, you realize that her species made the ones of us couldn't fly fuck more to make nuggets easier. You know that's the kind of species we're talking about, right? And she was like, that's actually a pretty good point. Fuck Sheila.

Okay, counterpoint. Okay. Oh, it turns out that human knows where to buy sunflower seeds. They can just get them, hey, get this guys all the time. Even like, I was like, I don't even think there's a sunflower over there. But then boom, they wrote up, and you know what? They were barbecue flavored in it. It was fucked up.

I don't know what teriyaki is, but they are onto something. Fucking rule, dude. Hey, you guys ever heard of bread? This person's got it. They're great. Yeah. So I turned some of you into nuggets, but also teriyaki flavor. That's all humans.

They turn our babies into breakfast, but also sunships. Hi, everybody. Hey, it's us on stage live. Well, not live. No, the house is empty and we're recording an ad read and I'm now feeling the weirdest energy I've ever felt. We're here to tell this very haunted casino about stamps.com. When you need to mail something and you're going to go to the post office and you think,

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I mean, Stitch Fix, they provide high-quality clothing that matches your style, budget, and size. But also, if you need clothes to just be sort of a nasty skater boy. Just to scuzz around in. Then they can do that for you as well. I think that they read my mind actually, because for a while they were sending me like, oh, here's like a blazer. And we're going to give Travis his fancy.

And then it suddenly been like, hey, do you want some like hyper-colored shorts that could be trunks or shorts? We get it, man. Here you go. Where does? They're going to send you five pieces of clothing. You're going to check them out, try them on. And you keep whatever you like, what you don't like.

You send straight back to them, shipping returns, exchanges, always free and easy. So, sign up today at stitchfix.com slash mybrother to get $20 off your first purchase. That's stitchfix.com slash mybrother to get $20 off your first purchase. Limited time offer, purchase within two days of sign-up. We can talk about table manners from the Victorian era. Sure. Or what it's like to attend a Regency ball. Yeah.

You can find all that and more if you listen to Shmanners on Maximum Fun or wherever your podcasts come from, I guess. Shmanners. Shmanners. Get it? A man was walking along a beach which represented his life. At his feet were two sets of footprints, his and God's. But looking back down the beach, the man could see that in the hardest part of his life,

there was only one set of footprints. So the man said to God, why is there only one set of footprints when times were hard? Where were you? And God replied, my precious child, I was in my car listening to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is a multi-award winning comedy podcast and you can find it at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Alert.

Alert. There's a hot and dull watch. Alert. Alert. Should we go? No, we're safe here, I think. Let's meet. Don't do the picture yet, Paul.

Save the picture. I just want to tell you all a little bit about today's subject. There's a sort of preamble to the description. Thanks for visiting us. We'd like to make you aware that we put 10-day shipping so we can perform a goodbye session with each vessel. What? Positive or negative to let them know where they're going.

Wait, a negative? There's a negative? Like, hey. Get the fuck out. Sorry, Samantha, but his profile makes it seem like a real stinker. It's about to get real bad for you out there. We mark items as shipped while doing this. Some spirits take longer than others to say goodbye.

This is a person that does not like going to the post office. No. Yeah. Okay. So let's talk about ROV. ROV. Wow. Wow.

That ain't it. ROV is this. No. Can we get an enhance on ROV? ROV. We don't need to enhance on. No. ROV.

Let's see. I'm going to say fourth word in the ROV title was unnecessary from that big chair. Okay. ROV is... Did you guys see the production stills from the new Barbie movie? Yeah. I found them challenging. They were challenging to say the least.

This is ROV. ROV, if you're listening later, is a... Well, it looks to be like a naked boy Bratz doll with tiny feet or no feet. Okay. ROV is a sexual demonic spirit that is wanting to find someone who is highly charged like him. Oh, God. ROV likes to be your one and only.

Oh, boy. If he could, he would show you off to the world. He will fall in love with you. ROV will protect you with all he has. He won't let anyone hurt you. ROV likes to lay in bed with you and watch films. And you watch films with ROV. What kind of films?

You will... Well, it doesn't matter, Trev, because you will feel him place his hands on you in a sexual manner. Well, he's... Obviously. He's certainly not going to place his feet on you. Oh, ROV. Tell...

Did fucking Sid from Toy Story make ROV? Tell him what you want to do, guide him to your weak spots, and he will remember what you like. He's... Hello. Nice. He's back there, too. ROV shows himself as a heavy-built man with strong arms and muscles.

His skin glistens with sweat. Now they're just describing the doll at this point. Oh, boy. Sorry. Yes. That's a very good sign. I'm more interested in the tablecloth, which... Do we have a close-up on what's going on?

We'll work on that. Bottom right corner, especially. Bottom right corner looks like the cover of a babysitter's club book. I think it's a Ouija board. It is, but it's like two... It almost looks like two parents like, this is fun. Okay, so the way you will see him will be in visions, dreams, nightmares, and meditation state.

I once meditated so hard, my doll tried to have sex with me. It's a normal thing. Yeah. Oh, he's just working. That would put David Lynch off of meditation. He will also manifest around that home, but only you will see and feel him. I was hoping he would do some chores as long as he was there, big, strong man like that. He isn't keen on sharing.

Stop it, Paul. It's a close zoom there, Paul. He isn't keen on sharing. Okay. He'd rather... Tell me your weaknesses. Tell me your weaknesses. I'll remember what you like.

He would rather have you all to himself. Yeah. I know that about him. Stop it, Paul. A feeling of not being alone is common with Rob. Go to jail. Oh, wait, right there in the doll's eye. It's the moment of Paul's death.

Well, I can see it. It's going to be soon if he keeps this up. A feeling of not being alone is common with Rob. He likes you to know where he is there with you, no matter what you are doing. Communication with Rob has been Ouija board, spirit dance, spirit box, man, if you come over and you see your aunt spirit dancing to communicate with her sexy doll, that's pretty much it. You know, you're in for the weirdest summer of your life.

Hey, that new Neil Simon play is real strange. The spirit dance, spirit box, manifestation, loud bangs. Thank you, Rob. Don't mind if I do, ooh la la, and scratching around the home. All right, that Rob and a gervel have that in common. Excellent. Hey, what's that? Is that squirrel in your walls?

These spirits will need time to see you and know what you're about. Please be patient with him. When he arrives, light the candle, welcome him into your home. This is a bonding process. We have excellent feedback on Rob. This is our 15th, Rob. And I think, I speak for everyone here when I say we really nailed it this time. This one's even rarlier than the last.

So that's Rob. Rob is available for 23 Stirling. Listen, I know it's too late now, but don't buy Rob. Rob costs 23 pounds and it costs 56 pounds a ship, his incredible, huge muscular body. Don't buy Rob. No, they're going to buy Rob. Someone always buys Rob. Someone already buys Rob.

Somebody already buys Rob. Someone always buys Rob. So that is our Haunted Doll Watch for this week. Thank you. Keep your eyes peeled for Rob. Okay, we have asked you all to send in your questions to be addressed live. Please understand that what we can see right now is like a shadow meeting us in a parking garage to give us government secrets.

And so please understand that's the dynamic we have with you. I understand. Okay, hello. Oh, no. Are you Brendan? I am Brendan, yes. Hi, Brendan. Okay.

I want to start by saying my mother-in-law is a wonderful person. She's like a kick ass. This is such a good start, Brendan. She's like this old school kick ass feminist. She rules. Okay? But whenever she texts, she likes to use a lot of abbreviations and she will save every character she can.

She spells the word come, C-U-M. No. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Because that could be the correct spelling based on what she's talking about. Yes, context is, oh my God, the most important. I have some examples.

Sure. Yes. Brendan. Just in text, we've gotten from over the years, what time should we come? And can we just say, sting like control at that point? And the answer is always 8.02. Should we bring snacks when we come? I mean, it's polite.

It is a nice thing to do. Not sure if your father will come. It's nice to have an honest understanding of one's ability. Open sexual conversations with your mother-in-law. It's progressive. Listen, sometimes I'm phoning it in. So how do we make her stop? How do you make her keep going forever and ever and ever?

Hey, Brendan. Brendan. I'll ask you an honest question. I want an honest answer. Yeah, sure. Has there ever been a text on a stage where you were confused about the actual intention of it? Or did you always know what she meant?

I hope I always knew what she meant. And you don't have to fix it. Yeah, this is a great thing for you to enjoy. That is both clear communication and something you can share with friends. Hold on. No, hold on. There's a fun police over here. No, it's not the fun police.

It's just Brendan is probably not the only human this versus the text. Oh, shit. They're texting like the pool guy. And it's like, hey, I'm coming in the pool right now. Hold on. Wait, what? When will you come, Pullman? Will you come in my house?

I mean, there's a lot of opportunities here. Can I just say... Hey, are you going to come all over the place? Can I just say that as a sexual proposition, when will you come is amazing. It's a really confusing one of them. What's the rush? Relax. Don't do it.

Um, Brandon. Yes, sir. Is the relationship you have with his mother-in-law such that if you said, hey, you know that the spelling of that means something else, would she laugh or would she be so embarrassed you could never see her again? I think she'd be very confused, but allegedly her son, my brother-in-law has raised this with her before, but to no effect. Oh, hey, not your job.

You're fine. You're fine then. Congratulations, Brandon. I've just elevated this to not your problem. Can I just, though, let me, let me, let me devil's advocate this for your mother-in-law. And I guess everybody else's mother-in-law, that spelled the correct way, still means the thing. So...

Less, obviously, though. Yeah, I guess that's right. No, but also, we just talked earlier about how we can't wait to get old so we can say things that people talk about forever. I could see me being a father-in-law, and I'm like, they think I don't know. I'm cool. I live in the 60s. Does that help, Brandon?

Oh, sure, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't seem like it, but thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you, Jupiter, for sanitizing the microphone. That's incredible work. Jupiter! Jupiter, everybody. Here's on our team, Jupiter rules.

Hello. Hi. A lot of places can't afford a full-time microphone sanitizer, but that's the kind of show we do. Hi. Hi. I'm Shayla. My pronouns are she, hers.

Hello. And my question is, tomorrow is Father's Day, and I haven't gotten my dad a Father's Day gift. You are all dads. What should I get him? I am currently wearing my Father's Day present from my family. It's these incredible jeans. I was in another room, and I heard my wife talking to my children about what my, yeah,

thank you, about what we should get daddy for Father's Day. And my daughter, Baby, said, I know, she's five, a nesting doll. And at first I was like, what? And then she said, get this, because I was a genius, the biggest doll looks like daddy, the inside doll looks like mommy, a smaller doll looks like me, and the smallest doll looks like die. Right? Can I get, holy shit, dude.

I know it's a little cliche, but kids really do say the darndest things. Because I think me and my wife are totally ready to dunk on her. We were so ready to be like, you dumb piece of shit. Travis. I know, announcement. I know the perfect gift for every dad. A grill. No.

Nope. Here it is. You ready? Yeah. Yeah. A stud finder. Now, why is that the perfect gift for every dad? One, you lose the damn things all the time and you have to find a stud, so you have to

go searching before it's annoying. You can have a stud every floor of your house too. It gives your dad the opportunity to take it out of the backage, put it on himself, and say it's working, which is shit dad and gull, and let me tell you, in, in the operating room when Henry was born, the nerves I felt, it's indescribable. It literally, you feel your life change when you hear the sound of your baby, you know, making the first sounds for the first time. And also, this thing happens in your brain where you're like, a stud finder joke would

be pretty fucking funny right now. Yeah, right? I can't explain it. A thing clicked over in my brain where it was like, think of all the things you could fit a cow joke into. It's so much. It's constant, it's like, move fits into so much. So it sounds like so many great words.

Cash. Yeah. I think I already crushed it. I feel like, I feel like stud finder. We're all kind of agreed on a stud finder. I think a stud finder's a really good one. Hey, listen, my friends who are a bit younger than me, who are here, I know most of you are older than me, but for those of you that are younger than me, get yourself a stud finder

if you don't have one yet. Oh my God. And have some pictures like a pro. Okay. Have some extra nine volts around because you never think about them because they're so weird. And I know you're- But when you need one.

You can drywall anchors will get the job done, but the cavities, they leave in the water unsightly. Oh my God. Does that help? Yes, that's perfect. Thank you. Do you want to talk more about stud finders and drywall? Because they have them now.

They have them now with a metal mode, and I just got this one with a built-in laser measure. Oh, forget about it. What's nice is if you can find the ones where they can detect wiring in the wall, that's the safety hazard. Oh my God, so important. Let's keep that data around. I see someone nodding behind you.

Yeah, you don't want to zap that dad. I saw your dad get zapped. I saw a TikTok recently, which like kids introduced me to, and someone drilled a hole in the wall and there was water sheeting out because they went right into a water bottle. Yeah. I watched one where a dad drilled into a wall and got zapped and fucking died. I watched just- You could see a skeleton through his body while it was-

It was like, and it was a TikTok stuff film, and it's still up. You can watch it if you want to. If you Google totally dad fails, you'll find it. If you Google- Uh-oh. Come on. Come on. Follow up.

Follow through. If you Google zap daddies, you'll find it. I don't know if that helps you, but I bet it helps a lot of people in the audience. Thank you so much. Just going to go to zapdaddies.com real quick, Justin, have you ever bought a URL on stage at a show before? Hey, don't do it. Don't.

Please don't. That will be so rude. Go ahead, guys. Do your show. Next. Yes. Hello. Hello.

Hello. What's your name? Max. Hi, Max. Hello, Max. Can you just keep it down a little bit? Sorry, Justin. He's listening.

You want to say- We'll scoot over there. That's fine. I don't know how much. He can use 10% of his mind to buy a URL. You are racing over a thousand. I'm on the limit. I'm on the limitless pill right now.

Max, what is your question? All right. So I have an issue. Might be an issue. Might not be. Oh, okay. Well, 10 o'clock, 10.30 every night, no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I get really, really tired and start to fall asleep, all right?

But I fall asleep for like a half an hour. I wake up after that half an hour. I'm perfect. Disco nap. I was living with my parents where this wasn't an issue because they did the exact same thing. But now I'm a young person in the city and I go to events and parties and hang out with people. And so now at around 10 o'clock, when other young people are not falling asleep, I need

to take a little half hour power nap. Sure. It's gotten to the point now where my friends have whole albums on their phone of me just asleep on the couch. That sucks, Max. No. Yeah. I don't love it.

Hey, Max. Can I stop you real quick? Yeah, of course. How old are you? I am 23. Oh, you are actually a young person. Okay. Yeah, no.

I'm fairly young. I was ready to have a tough conversation. I was like, if you had said like 28 or above, I'd be like, yeah, no, hey, listen, it's time to brace yourself. Hey, you heard it here, folks. If you're 28 or above, you have one foot in the fucking grave. Yeah, dude. Yes, Griffin.

I stand by that. Okay, Max. I've been coming to that realization in five years, but like I kind of have a little time. Hey, Max, please. This wasn't your question. Enjoy it while you fucking can. Max. AmandaZappDaddy.com costs $100.

Can I buy on the company card? Yay. Just give it a big thumbs up. Okay. So is your question how to serve? Amanda, I got declined. Are we in trouble? Everybody buy posters on your way out, okay?

As many as you can carry, all right? Can I just say, actually, if our bank was like this, we're not going to let you do this. Good on our bank. That's a fucking good bank. That's a good bank. Max, sorry. Yeah. My question is just how do I take a half hour nap without people finding out?

Sure, sure, sure. Oh, here's the good news, Max. All right. Most people do not think about you as much as you think they do. No, hear me out. Hear me out. This is a good thing. You can disappear for a half hour.

That's a good window of time before someone goes, where's Max? As long as if it's like three people hanging out, you say, I'm going to go snooze for 30 minutes, so like that's fine. But if you're like at a party or a club or something, you just need to find a pile of coats or some warm dry hay, right, whatever, and just curl up on and sleep for a half hour. It's fine. That's okay. I was going to suggest coat bed.

Coat bed is amazing. Yes. The fact that they provide coat bed for any other purpose than having a secret nap in is outrageous to me because nothing's better. What's better than wearing one coat, being in a big pile of other people's coats? Just tell everybody that you're getting really into meditation and it's really interesting. Wait, is that why you do it? Listen, I can't deal with your stuff right now, okay?

I'm really trying to get zappeddaddies.com. Do you live in the city? Listen, we're just a small community of daddies that love the movies zapped. Okay. What was your answer to that? I do live in Boston. Yeah. Okay.

So I don't, I mean, do you have a car? I have a car. Yeah. It was my grandmother's, if that, uh, not as fancy, but I mean, is it, does it have enough room for you to go sleep in? It's a super outback. It's got a lot of room. Oh my.

Oh, hell yeah. Oh yeah. I love a super outback. Next, there's so many places to sleep in this big, beautiful world of ours and only a few of them are going to get you in trouble. I just, I want to stop my friends from taking pictures of me while I'm taking my shoes. Hey, listen, hey, now we're going to move beyond the problem you asked about and the problem you need us to answer.

Yeah. Do you want to reframe everything? I was going to say, I think my question has transformed a little bit. Yeah. How do I read your question? What are your relationships with the friends around me? My friends are planning my death is the only, okay. I'm getting an error that says there's a problem fulfilling my order.

So if one of you all bought ZapDaddy's.com, respect, respect, you did it. Max, does anything we said help so far? We've given you so much good stuff. That's all good, right? Yeah. I mean, the thing is, I already take all my friends' coats when we like, take their phones. So I just, I think I just make a nest in kind of control of it.

Here's what it is today. I'm going to go lay down, put your phones in this bag and you magnet seal it so you're done. Yes. Yeah. Like you're a problematic comedian. Yeah. Does that help?

That's incredibly helpful. Thank you. Fantastic. Thank you. Okay. One more. Who do we have here? Looking very fancy behind you.

Look what the cat. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The mic must be sanitized. Oh, no. Thank you, Jupiter. Who the hell are you? Who might you be? What's this all about?

Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi, Adrian Cowles. Hi, Adrian Cowles. What? I'm going to say a Yahoo enabler.

Adrian Cowles. And now WikiHow enabler, Adrian Cowles. Thank you for your years of hard work, Adrian. Now it's all come full circle. You had a question. You sent in a couple of questions, which usually we frown on, but you're Adrian fucking Cowles. And also, you only know how to send in a couple of questions. You also know how to send in 15 questions.

So you had one about cards. Yeah. So is there a statute of limitations on repossessing Yu-Gi-Oh cards from a child? Now, hold on. The way you just phrased that, Adrian makes it sound like this kid is defaulted on a loan. And you need to go to their house and repossess their Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Adrian, can you get right up on that microphone and tell us exactly why you gave your Yu-Gi-Oh cards away to a child in the first place?

Panic. Panic. So were you held up? That wasn't going to be you up. Well, so my dad had a colleague over. I was probably like, I don't know, 19, whatever, home from college. Did you just say the sentence, my dad had a child over? Colleague.

Colleague. They brought their kids who were like 10, and I was entertaining the children. I don't know. But they were in my room and they were like, what are those? And I had my like gold-sleeved Yu-Gi-Oh deck. And I was like, oh, those are my Yu-Gi-Oh cards. And they were like, can I have those? And I said, okay.

I mean, listen, in fairness, I hadn't used them in a couple years. And I hadn't really thought about this until a child, I'm a teacher, this year was like, oh, Yu-Gi-Oh is really cool, huh? I was like, it was. No, dude, it's back in a bit. Yeah, it is back. It's weird. Is it still okay?

So how do I get those back? How old would you guess that child is now? Probably like, probably like 18. I don't know. They don't have those cards. That's not a child anymore, Adrian. That's an adult who stole your Yu-Gi-Oh cards. You have a legal case against this adult.

Hi, I'm Justin McRae, attorney of law. Did a kid steal your Yu-Gi-Oh cards six years ago? Third force and intimidation. Did you feel bullied in the mid-hatred? Maybe. Just saying no is hard. And yeah. Do I have to find the kid that he gave them to now?

Is that? It's like Toy Story 3 rules. My second Toy Story reference of the evening. Was he wearing like a little propeller hat and suspenders? And he's like, please, Mr. Cow. Please, Mr. Cow. I just need these Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Can I have your blue eyes, white wagon?

Adrian, there's only one option for you. And I'm sorry to say it because it won't be easy. You're going to need to buy a basic starter deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. And you're going to need to play this kid for all the marbles. It's time to duel. And he's going to have all the choice cards. All the greatest Yu-Gi-Oh cards like Rizzo and Stone Guy. All the good ones.

And you're just going to have the basic ones like Bulbasaur. And Doug. But you're going to have to come out on top playing for all the marbles. High stakes, I know, but I think it's your only play. And if you're going to need to let the ancient spirit that lives within your brain come out so that you can defeat him. Or let your grandpa's ghost come out of a pyramid. I've never watched Yu-Gi-Oh, but I think that's what happens.

Griffin and I are referencing the same thing from two different perspectives. Does that help, Adrian? Absolutely. Thank you, Adrian. You've helped us a great deal. And you all have helped us a great deal just now by being such a wonderful audience. Thank you so much for being here. We really very much appreciate you.

Boston is always uniformly fantastic. We say this shit to a lot of cities. We especially mean it for you all. Boston has, every time we've done a show here, it has been incredible. Thank you to Jupiter and Rachel and Amanda, all of whom work for us and all of whom are fantastic and all of whom are here. And Paul.

He's a contractor, so it's not the same thing. Yeah. And Alice, without Alice, Theresa and I wouldn't have been able to do swanners. Thanks to whoever got Zapp daddies for saving me from myself. I appreciate that. Thank you to Montaigne for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better with You. Thank you to Liz Fernandez for my makeup and tiara.

Thank you to the Wang Theater for being the, just the prettiest, the prettiest and best theater. So beautiful. Make sure you look as early, but it's gorgeous. My child was out here during, during mic check and just pointed over and said, the angels are eating fruit. In that voice. Which was, for someone who didn't know what she was referencing, pretty confusing.

Yeah. Griffin, I would love to hear an impression of Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, sure. Pitching, Mark Wahlberg pitching his family on the idea of Wahlbergers for the first time. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. What if we did it more Boston? My name is Justin McElroy.

Is he from Boston? That was not a word. That was not a word. Okay, wait, wait, wait, hold up. How do you like them apples? Don't get. Don't get? But it's Justin McElroy.

I'm jealous. I have a swamp. Get out of my swamp and I'm like, this is my brother, my brother, my brother, my minute driver. Square on the lips. Oh, it's better with you.