My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 619: Great Stuff You Can Do in the Bathroom

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

It’s a callback to the 90s, with answers to the terrible question “What’s up?,” dated commercial taglines, and bootleg Big Bad Beetleborgs. With featured guest, Justin’s new sound board!Suggested talking points: Vitamin D, The Snyder’s Cut, Time Zone Denial, Toilet Buddy, Sandwich By Number, Promote Chicken PlatformTrans Youth Equality Foundation: https://www.transyouthequality.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed Travis insists. He's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up you cool, baby? Precious friendship I could have never seen what was coming for me hangs at the skate park hangs by the beach my life It feels It's better it's better

It's better it's better It's better it's better Hello everybody and welcome to my brother my brother mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin I'm your middlest brother Travis McElroy, and I'm the sweet baby brother Griffin Andrew McElroy Let me just get ahead of it. Let me get ahead of it. I watched the first episode I watched the first episode. Yes versus B It was harrowing is the word I would use I was made certain assurances that we would not need to talk about members

No, but I also don't want people now what I've run into because of the blast on which I was put that yeah in in my life of Social media in streaming and everything I've done if I mentioned in your bedroom in my bedroom My wife my children my dog your professional when I'm talking to my priest My spiritual guidance my yogi when I'm talking to my yogi bear when I'm talking to them You gotta watch the movie boo boo, and I say I've done I did this today They're like you should have been watching man versus B, and I'm like, okay. I did it now I did it now never again. So here's the issue Travis. You're getting

Man versus B 1.1 I There were a lot of complaints registered toward Netflix with some of the gratuitous Male and B nudity. Yeah, I didn't in the original cut And so as they are want to do what with this streaming era and the death of art They went in and just took all that stuff out. So you know how the episodes are like 20 minutes long Yeah, they used to be like 35 40 and you were getting a good 15 to 20 minutes of Man and B nudity

Anticipated that because I know of Netflix's rampant censorship, and so I actually watched it in 90 second chunks on Daily Motion Yeah, I found a playlist and I just watched it that way now There were a couple chunks missing which frankly made it incoherent, but other than that Obviously, I dipped into Daily Motion for those clips for my own Purposes yeah, and my net nanny was like, yeah, well, you can we'll let this one go They're like it's miss they were like it's mr. Bean like there's no erotic Value the auto blurred out the bees huge ding along. Yeah

Which is understandable, but they were like it's mr. Bean's dick and his balls and butthole It's educational and it's edge it serves an educational purpose at that point now see dazzles I actually noticed Griffin that my net nanny was a little too lenient as well Which is why I hired a real-life nanny the standover my shoulder while I looked at stuff Specifically man versus being I got a Mary Poppins ask like no, no no mr. Bean's dick today master Travis Watching it too much apparently and it was affecting my relationship with my kids Yeah, you must go outside and get some vitamin D, and I said I get all vitamin D And she said no no you must sit outside. I I just want them to release the Snyder cut of maverick

I mean Greg Snyder who was the on-set intimacy consultant for being the man in the bee any time that there was Exposure happening like the scene where the bee climbs inside of his his mr. Bean's penis. Yeah, I Want to see he worked hard on that He had a coach both of them through that and it was probably pretty painful and Humiliating and it's wild to me that they made such a progressive step to hire an intimacy coordinator, which everyone should do But then also the rest of it exists and so that was that was difficult to me I watched the Snyder cut of

Justice League, okay, my big thing there was fucking fun Brace your asses everyone there is just so many scenes of people eating chips that it got Snyders is a chip brand which I think my only manufactured chips in They use peanut oil nice No Said there Appreciate that. Um, this is an advice show obviously where we Take your questions and turn them alchemy like into wisdom. I feel like it's been a

150 years since we've recorded one of these well, and we also know that Griffin Griffin decided to move Yeah Dengas like yesterday just real hair at my ass sort of stuff where I was like I'm gonna uproot my entire family and Relocate to the to the beast well most of your family you're having them compete to see Right be left behind it to make a new life in Austin. You don't want to see it all that territory Yeah, so you you want to leave a man in Kamchatka as a as it were it is kind of our southern HQ Griffin Which I am I I feel like I covered the Midwest HQ for a while Yeah

And and now I feel like you're kind of encroaching a bit on my territory, which I'm not wild about I will fight I do appreciate that we can finally make it permanent our Absolute denial of other time zones. Yes. Yes. If you don't know about this this little fact of ours We have people on on our our team all throughout the country And if any of them mention any time zones other than eastern and Santa time we refuse to acknowledge like we can't Process it. Yeah, I asked me again in the in a real time zone because if you talk about another one And we've been doing this with Griffin. Yeah, Griffin has had to pretend that he does not live outside the eastern time zone Occasional be like oh we can start at 11 and I'm like it's already 11 30 11. What are you talking about?

Yeah, we're like flat earthers, but for like a very specific sort of latitude range Yeah, and I understand like daylight saving time who's saving it and give me some back You know what I mean? I want some of that summer Travis's whole deal. That's my thing about time Let's do let's do questions. It's gonna be a while before I do questions again And I mean we are about to do like three live shows in a row, but that's oh, you're right We're about to be doing too many questions, but still my hunger must be sated Whenever I go to someone else's house even my best friends. I hate staying the night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not yeah Your stuff's not there. Yeah, your stuff's not there. It's not where your bed is

That's not the only one able to sleep always in a cold sweat and wake up feeling gross I'm happy to be with my friends. So what can I do enjoy waking up within the next morning? That's from anxiously awake in Alabama and you can't you can go home and then come back before they wake up and Then you're like whoa right there. I was here the whole time too guys There's that sleepover the the sort of like Logistics of sleepovers that math changes once you are sort of Independent and can drive because I would much rather I'll kick it with you until the wee hours And then when it's time for sleeping in a bed, I have my own that I have been sort of

nestling into Fucking hard for a long time now And that no interest. What about the dangers of driving in the evening? Oh, what time do you go to bed just because I'm heading home at like nine o'clock I meant nine to nine thirty That's when I come home and me and Rachel play we to get We play we played competitive very competitive boom blocks till we work up a nice sweat and then we instantly go to sleep The amount of props I need to sleep

When I travel is Truly, I mean it's truly toddler level. It's like we need I need I need the log pillow. I need my wrist Brace for my carpal tunnel syndrome. I need my special I'm ass that has the headphones built into it. So I go whoa everyone back off. He's married. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right I can't believe that the fact that there is no Sort of like well-known my bim-bam mythos about your log pillow, which is a what a bean filled It's a micro micro. What do you call that micro fill like a it's like a beanbag bean filled with Justin's farts

and then He carries it like Like draped over a usually a strap of his backpack turning it into The brawniest nut sack that you have ever seen and he walks through the air every airport like that And there's kids around And they and they seen it. Yeah, I mean, yeah What are you going to say here? Uh Um

You introduce this topic by the way. We didn't make you bring up the log pillow. You brought up the level I mean, I have pro I'm just saying I have props and if I don't have them. I can't sleep I've tried other things. I've in hotel rooms. I've gotten desperate and wadded up towels into kind of a log shape We've all been there. We've all been there. We're wadded up a hoodie, you know to try to make it. No Nothing doing doesn't work. It's not just bedroom problem when I'm away from my favorite toilet My toilet buddy that I know like I know I know how he works. I know I know where I know where I like to look for the tough moments

You know what I mean? Like I know the point on the wall that I'm making eye contact with but I'm struggling Like I know you know where you've uh etched your vince lombardi quotes Exactly. Yeah Times get tough. I know exactly and I know where the tally marks are for every successful completion. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know by the way, I was at your house the other day and there's only six Yeah, man. Why do you think I need so many motivational quotes? It's tough out there. I don't eat fiber. Yeah, I know that about you. I just eat cheese Yeah, you can't get a good night's sleep with someone else's house

You can't be done. There is a certain point of like there's a reason why I think maybe oh, I have a rectangle pillow. Yes Well, yeah, yeah, dude cube Oh cube Wait, what? Yeah, it's a pillow cube And I can't sleep without that either. It's a cube shaped pillow. Where does it go? Where does the cube go? Well We're supporting this beautiful thinker right here. Okay, right underneath the old knock. Yes, go I've searched high and low. Do you know how many pillows?

I've I've had to shove down on my garbage disposal because they didn't give my Head to support it crave like as a punishment. What like as a punishment for them disappointing you. I mean, it's a sack It's a sacrifice. Oh, I see. Yeah, I see but I think that I can't remember the last time Like I think 24 was maybe the last time I slept at a friend's house Because I was too drunk to drive. So I simply slept on his couch But it was not like a planned thing where I looked at my friend Bradbury and said and I'll bring my jam He's like I just don't and I think the reason is not like oh, it's weird to sleep at a friend's house when you get older It's like, oh, no, this isn't like fun to get away from my parents and my this is like, oh, no

Everything I know is back there. That's where I'm truly me and I can take off this mask that I wear for others Um, hey, can we approach the wizard? Yeah, yeah, I like that. Thank you. The other was too close. He's bitey. The other wizard Ben can't send this in. Thank you, Ben um This is uh, this is one that's again very useful For me is a sort of like gen Z Yeah, here we go. Yeah, I live on I live and die on like emojis and texts. Not me. I'm a boomer I don't get that stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah, so

Me and my gen Z friends are gonna love this one. We're gonna bust up super hard. It's 13. Is that how you pronounce it? I thought it was just jins Jins me and the me and my fellow jins, uh, are gonna love 13 clever ways to respond to what's up or what's up? Thank you. Ah, that age old question It's not It is as old as time itself. What's up? You might What's up? You might have heard it thrown around so often that it's hard to come up with a fresh and creative answer Yes

in 1999 Uh, don't worry though We've got you covered with tons of examples that show how to have some fun with this common question Read on and try them out to respond to what's up in a way that will breathe new life into your conversation Hey, have you talked to mark lately? Yeah It's good. It's good to talk to him now. It feels Revitalizing. Yeah, just the way that his mind works. It really excites me His responses to my mundane inane questions are a breath of fresh air in this otherwise empty

landscape on which I live So here's one way to respond to what's hot of 13 after seeing you my mood Hell yeah, anyone could use compliment anyone who could use an extra boost of confidence This is a great reply for everyone in your life from a friend to an acquaintance It's an especially effective answer if the person is shy or isn't used to the attention Fuck here's some more examples in this vein now that you're talking to me my happiness Now that's weirder though because now that's starting to trend into the way an alien would say it After seeing you my mood is up after this conversation that we had with our mouths

My endorphins are like, oh no. No, hold on With you in the room my energy level after after learning you went to spain my curiosity Whoa is up. Uh another way Uh Someone hits you with a wasa you hit him with a I don't have any complaints Stay upbeat if you want to charm a stranger with your optimism If you want to build rapport with someone or leave them in a with a wonderful first impression Be really cheerful and smile other options. I'm a happy camper. Life's been treating me really well

There's a serial killer. There's a darkness. There's a darkness behind those no complaints here Everything's looking up. I've made a lot of progress lately with what? Hmm Hey, I think we live in a time a current. I don't go deep into it folks, but if you have no complaints That's why if you can say no Nothing but good news on my end. I'm very grateful. All right asshole. Yeah should be there is Objectively bad news out there and you saying that it doesn't impact you at all is is is monstrous

Hey, listen, there's enough bad news to go around. It doesn't matter what side of any issue you're on Nobody's got it all good right now. How about this wasa? Hopefully not my rent get creative at a party and point out what you don't want to go up Hopefully not my dick while people are around that would be inappropriate. It's not the time for that It better not be my cholesterol levels. I've been eating healthy dot dot dot not my student loans I just have to keep making my payments with any luck not my grocery bill I'm not buying name brands anymore. I would turn heel and walk away and that person would be gone from my awareness

Um in a perfect world my salary make your bestie laugh with a sassy response. That's that is sassy Yeah, I say that's sassy Okay, you know what actually on that one if I walked up to my best friend Hank mardukas and I said what's up? And he said hopefully my salary. I would high five him three times for sure That's sassy and it's a solid response and this this is the obligatory. Uh, what's up if life was fair my grades My energy grades up. Yeah. Yeah. My energy levels if I had my way a lot of concern about my energy about my phatons Now I want to go back though because I like if life was fair My grades because that means is like I'm putting in the fucking work

And mr. Fucking johnson is being a real asshole because I did that assignment He knows I did and yet he's still giving me a c life's not fair man. My atheist teacher gave me an f It's because I love our troops so much How much what's up? How much time do you have do not do this one? No, no, don't do that one Um, can you stick or it does say play around with anyone easy to fool like an unsuspecting relative? So it's like Punk them by hinting at some deep Trouble in your life that you do need assistance with can you stick around for a bit? I'll need at least 20 minutes How long's your attention span? I'm in the mood to overshare. Okay. Let me tell you my life story just joking

Wow. Hey any one of those I actually would appreciate it because it would be shorthand for like, oh, okay I don't want to know you. I don't want to talk to you. I'm gonna overshare. Oh, thank you for the warning I'll be over here at the cheeto bowl. I wonder if it's some of you know, like I've asked you not to be like this Yeah, we we encounter we encounter each other in social situations I've asked you not to be like this. I think it's also not over sharing I asked you how you are and I I guess it depends on if you're like, what's up, man? And he's like, oh Or if you're just like, hey, what's up with you? I mean, it's like I want to overshare. I'm like, yeah, I I did just ask Um, I would up with you. I would take literally any response

Other than this one number six on the list. What's up our time on earth. So let's make the most of it What? Oh, no Shake things up and motivate whoever is talking to you if they're on autopilot and asking a basic question See if you can inspire them and tell them to live every moment like it's their last Don't what's up our chances to waste another moment. Let's go Now that one though is confusing verbiage. What's up our chances to wait? Sorry We've run out of chances. Some of us are out here barely coping with existential dread as it is If I see you at a party and I say what's up and you're like our time on earth

I'm in a spiral now. Thank you. That's not actually true either. It's like we're both here Like what are you talking about? What do you know Matt Damon and that Kevin Smith movie and you're like your time is up on earth. And then it's like, yeah, that's cool Yeah, I mean if you're an assassin Matt Damon gets a gun out. It's like Do you guys remember the bitcoin commercial where he was like? Get bitcoins and he pulled out two guns and I was like, whoa I was like, are you gonna hurt me and he was like, no, you can just look cool like me jason born These are my new bitcoins. They're guns

Um, I need to test something real quick. You guys got to let me know if this works. Okay. Okay. Can you let me know if this works? Yeah I remember him. Yeah, I like I liked him from Now jesson, you do you have to comment on it in order for it to be fair you Oh, hold on. Wait Travis. You can't talk over that. What was that? Go ahead juice. Yo quiero taco bear Oh, yeah, what soundboard are you on? Is it just like classic? Where is the beat? Okay. Yeah, these are some of the most sort of like low quality low big rate

Do you have the del guy? He's funny. What do you have the del guy? It's got to be in there No, that's intel intel. Yeah, that's not it. Um, okay, so there's a lot more of these. What's up? Who pays you to ask me? I feel like you're not dialed anymore. All right. Now i'm dialed. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back Pretend to be suspicious to put on a show for your friends. Have the secret agents found me. What have you told them? Hey, that's not cool of you to ask. You know, I'm on the run. I'm not sure how to answer that Do you have a wire on you? Oh my that's a good one message Oh my text message if someone asked me in a party what's up and I say why are you asking? Are you wearing a wire that is a good way to like kid on the square to gauge if your friends are narc

Yeah, I As somebody who has trouble with social situations. Yeah, especially like these sort of conversational things I think it should be illegal for the internet to publish a list of memorizable responses Yep to banal questions because that's not That's not right. Like I know I know that is memorizing answers That are supposed to be witty. That's not good. You don't want to do that This is yeah, this list should be one thing long and it should be not much you that is okay

I'll go ahead and spoil number 13 is not much you which is like think the only acceptable way of that's the only one It should be how's your day? Great you? What's up? Not much you? Hey, how are you again? Pretty good? It should Like three words max should be your response to a thing. I I I don't want a monologue I just I'm a human being who's bad at small talk and I had to say something because we locked eyes and we're sharing a physical space And so I said, hey, what's up? That's no the consent. Sorry. The conceit of this bit is that it's not that rarely the things that the wizard sends us are good Yes, but now it's you get into a thing where I'm imagining myself actually being in My physical meat body and someone's saying one of these things to me

And having to like roll out of the room as quickly as possible. Okay, but what about this? Maybe you can maybe this will be better for you guys not me because like I'm a Like cool confident popular. Yeah Yeah, but like if someone says what's up you could say when you ask that question my anxiety levels Yeah, oh, see that's okay. Can I say? There is a delivery you could put on that Where it would work. I think that one that one I could maybe sell. Yeah, that could work Yeah, don't now that you have asked me such a banal question. My anxiety currently

Is up now and then if you really want to I don't know that these three They escalate it with each additional one under this suggestion Uh with my blood pressure. What a loaded question moving on Is it loaded? No, not at all. Yikes Yikes my discomfort. That's way too hard to answer. What's up? Oh, why didn't expect the test? Oh, okay. What if someone said what's up and you just looked at her like yikes Whoa, that would be a good way of answering

Much when I go shopping and I'm buying a bunch of groceries and the checkout person says Oh plan on a fun weekend because maybe there's like two bottles of wine there. I think a good response now is like well not now Now I'm gonna be thinking about this moment for the rest of the weekend because I'm worried I bought too many I don't know hot dogs wrapped in pastry or whatever and I feel the same way you ever analyze whenever you buy Like I get my I get my my looker at CVS. Yeah, like a classy jet. Yeah, I end up a lot of times getting like liquor and toilet paper or liquor and um Hemorrhoid cream. It's like yeah, these two things it is gonna be a pretty wild weekend

It's gonna get pretty silly But then I'm gonna bring it down and really think about motivational quotes from Vince LaVarney I got this Gatorade all planned out because uh your boy is bad with with moderation Yeah, where do you keep the pd light to if I'm bad with mediate Bad with moderation good with preparation. So I went ahead and got me some preparation age some wrong uh Hey, can I make it sexy real quick? Yeah. Yeah, thanks. What's up my hopes because you swiped right on me Oh, no, right the good one or which one is the good one? I will never know with enough confidence

Okay, um, you could also if you want to keep being really flirty and spark up a romance with a new crush You can say my heart rate now that you're giving me the time of day my level of attraction your ig hypnotized me Um, what's up? What's up? Imagine imagine imagine? I can't my attraction is up Oh, you see milady Like humans, I want to say that my attraction is up to you. I'm definitely not a lizard that has gained access to your keyboard What's up my pulse your pics and your bio are so spellbinding They're in front of you. Is that I mean, is this on law? Is that the these are texts? These are text messages. We're texting now We're texting. Yeah, we're texting now. We've been texting

Uh, and then there's some uh asshole Responses the next two subjects are all asshole. Um, what's up the opposite of down Nice A two-letter preposition. You're welcome for the grammar lesson. Not that now too. Well, honestly go just fall in a well What's up? A super cute movie that made me cry. Check it out. Is it cute? That that would be good I don't know that I would respond. I don't I don't think I would call Up a cute movie. Uh, what's up? Come on. You know that the sky Um, what's the beginning part birds planes and on a good day ufo's. Is that a good day when they finally do

Get tired of tolerating us and they come and they zap You know they zap us into dust with their big tripod ships. Probably not. I think you could do There could be a sincere delivery of come on. You know this You can do this. You got this Yeah, I believe in you. You know what's up Uh, I'm not gonna do the rest but the last one is Not much Not much just that's the only correct answer to that question because it's

All they're looking for if they really wanted some detail about how you found their picks and biospell binding They would have said like What what do you think? What is it about me that's spellbinding? Yeah exactly Jessica can you play the beard joke again? What? What the joke the beers the beer the beer joke from the commercial Oh, it's too late now. No all the moment is past

Yeah, well dad You're my dad And I love you, man That one that one Wow, what was that? I love I love you, man. That was not as big of a hit back in the day I'm out in the one yard a little bit. I'm out in the boneyard a little bit. Yeah I went to the bathroom At a local grocery store and I was about to leave my stall and someone came in crying

And started to give themselves a pep talk in the mirror. I don't know if they know I'm with me But I would like to leave Is it acceptable to go wash my hands next to them as they have their moment? That was from bathroom boohoo buddy Oh boy, are you are you an older person? Who can provide a sort of sagacious? Little little little bit a little monologue for them. Yeah, or an older person that could pretend you're them from the future Who just came back to tell them that everything is going to work out just fine. Yeah, that one might be tough depending on like

If you look nothing like them at all at all, you don't know what what the future holds Griffin Yeah, maybe carry around like a cyber mask with wherever you go and That's great. You're in the stall You're in the bathroom and you hear somebody crying out in the sink area the hand washing zone And you're like, okay, hold on and you pull on the sort of like light gross suit and Cyber mask and then you walk out of the stall like It helps if you have some like DJ equipment with you and you can do like a smoke machine and a light show And you can be like contain your moisture

And they're like, whoa, what and you're like, yeah, I'm you from the future. I'm a robot cyber DJ I guess if this is the case, you don't have to be an older person Yeah, anyone could do that anyone could be that with a little with a little forethought Anyone can do that and you could say like I'm I am you from the future. I do look younger than you But that's because uh, that's time dilation. So good. So that and that's Einstein said that I feel like if I went out there when they're in the middle of their of their Challenging episode that might be a little too disorienting because like Imagine if one of your favorite podcasters just appeared out of nowhere

Yeah, it's like uh Justin McElroy is in this bathroom and I'd be like Gildy is charged. Well, that's that's what you say Well, your friends paid for what we're calling a real life cameo And so I I'm here waiting for you to come in so I could tell you hey man Everything's gonna be okay And make sure to check out trolls world tour Still get residuals. Bye residuals on that one, baby. You guys would not believe Do you buy that on we're gonna need you to buy a physical copy, but I know that that's not cool

These days, but they have them here at the store. I just saw a big display of them by the front. Hey real-life cybar If I had known That when you do parts in a movie They keep sending you money for no reason. Yeah, I would have tried to be in movies long ago We We're not putting in a hot tub with this This is a very small bit of mic, but it does come for no reason for no reason and it's

Just a little surprise letter from our friends at dreamworks. Hey guys, here's 20 bucks. Hey, thanks. Wow 20 who I love that man. If I was getting $20 checks from trolls world tour. I'd be I'd be a happy young happy young guy If you went to babysit and on top of the money they were paying you a babysit They said here's some money to order a pizza if you want and you're like Well, hey, and we'll keep sending you pizza money every few months for no reason for the rest of your life It's the closest I've come to that feeling of completing the the paper from book it to get a free personal Pizza pizza in my adult life. That's what residuals are to me. What I know

I'm not sure I understood that reference which makes me think that none of our lists pizza You pizza help book it you read enough books or get good grades or something you get free pizza Free personal pan pizzas I think it's a real nice moment for human connections. Some of the times I've had in my life that I felt like, you know The hand of of any sort of like divine forces or whatever is when I've been there when somebody else is upset That's great because it doesn't have to be about you for a little bit. You can chill in your own problems Just be like, hey, let's talk. Let's talk through it if you feel like it If not, I'm gonna wash my hands. I'm gonna leave but right now

I'm an open book. Maybe let's go through it. I'm a stranger. Who better. Yeah This is actually one of those rare times where pretending like it's not happening is what makes it awkward Like if you just walk out and like eyes forward wash your hands and dry your hands eyes forward and walk out silently Yeah, now whatever rough time that person's going through They are both embarrassed and isolated where if you come out and like, hey You know, you got this or it gets better or whatever and then walk out made it or Or I think we all agree or that being there for someone in their time of need is a very good feeling So whatever they're giving you from out there in sync zone

You walk out of that stall And you take it you take it up a level you escalate Your life is worse if they're well, you don't have to say that Obviously, that's not the right thing to do. But if they're giving you like You come at them with like Like and you're way more Yeah, and then they look at you and they're like, wow Wow, it could be a lot worse. What's going on with you? And then you're gonna have to lie and you know, say like, you know, I

I just watched up on my phone on the toilet You could also just walk out covered in blood and say like, oh, no, not again And now you've distracted them from one of them on such short notice though Well with a little bit of preparation, it's right there with your in your bag next to your dj equipment and your cyber helmet You're coming out on top. What's this this situation called for? What are they crying about? Are they got fired? Is that a blood situation or i'm you from the future? Oh, you also rip a big one and that's that's a bathroom joke that like Everyone really yeah

Gryffindor, I actually think that may be the best advice is if you just like Simulate a gigantic beaver There is no time that i've ever heard that in my life that I have not busted up a hundred Yeah, I was in the bucky's restroom with uh, Henry helping him do his thing when someone made a break Someone someone made a rude noise in an adjacent stall and Henry just started laughing And I had to look at him and be like you can't you can't do that. This is a special place This is a special place where you can do that without judgment from five year olds

It's the closest the everyday person gets to diplomatic immunity. Yeah Please But I think if you do it when someone's crying they know it's like for their benefit and they'll be like, thank you Um, so that should work too a lot of great stuff you can do in the bathroom. It's a funny room Yeah, we don't talk about this enough Why don't more people make bathroom jokes? I don't know Uh, let's take a quick break and then we'll come back with uh, lots more content through the money zone Okay, I guess the money zone is content, right? Yeah, it's all content. Maybe it's all content. This is content

Listen, they're paying by the minute. That's all I know What's to say about square space that hasn't been said before Huh? Does anyone know? I mean nothing, but they are continuing to pay us to say the same things Again, so let's respect that. Did you guys know you might not know this? But there are people out there who don't have websites Yeah, what yeah, can you imagine? Yes, right? What okay

All right, but I'm trying to make it like a like what why would you because square space helps you build your own website Where you can like showcase, you know your work or like sell things or like blog and publish content All that stuff and some people Don't do that Yeah, what what are they afraid of right? Are they afraid of cyber ghosts? Of course Of course, we all are but good news and square space doesn't want me to tell you this But all their stuff is blessed by cyber priests cyber ghost free 100 guaranteed or your money back There I said it

I said it and they are you gonna say any of the other things that they want us to say no add copy Or are you just gonna talk mostly about sort of cyber priests? No, no, listen everybody knows about all their cool stuff Right member areas where you can unlock a new revenue stream for your business and free up time And you schedule by selling access to gated content like video tutorials and online courses or like sell your products or like You know, you can sell physical or digital but all that stuff, right? But the main worry Yeah, cyber ghosts. I do think I'm not a hundred percent sure that ghosts are the

Main sort of pray for priests. I have always cyber peace Yeah, yeah, cyber priests. I think that I feel like like demons and imps are there a more their thing But like if you have a ghost in your house, typically you don't That's not like priest You're showing your whole ass on this one. Of course cyber ghost is a wide branching Like turn umbrella, right? It covers stuff like cyber demons and cyber imps and cyber devils And I've warned you multiple times about opening the door to allow Travis to enrich his own mythology Like, you know, you know what you've done

And so it's just a shorthand to say cyber ghost and you know what the fuck I'm talking about the square in the space is a box They put the ghosts into yes Now don't open that cyber box if you open that cyber box. Shit. Listen. It's a big twinkie. We all know that right? It's a big twinkie. Do not fucking open that cyber box or it's gonna get all over the internet And we're gonna have to deal with that. We're gonna have to deal with that the three of us So that's square I clicked away from the ad copy. So go to squarespace.com slash you've been reading it so diligently Go to squarespace.com laser like focus It wavered for one second or in hell the ghosts. They're getting to me. Um, go to square

Let me see where it was cyber ghost Here it is. Okay, go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial when you're ready to launch Use offer code my brother all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Squarespace free of ghost since 2019 Do you have werewolves problems? Is that a problem with werewolves or a problem werewolves have every time you go out to eat with your family and kids Do werewolves come to try to eat your family and kids? Well, good news door dash is here and they aren't scared of

Monsters and they will bring food to right to your house from the restaurants. You yeah What precautions are they taking to make sure my food makes it to be unmolested by werewolves? They have silver katanas every door dash every dasher has a silver katana. Are they trained? No, oh no They are not Um, but they I mean they're good. We lose more drivers actually Self-inflicted That's the thing that the katana industry doesn't want you to know you're actually more likely to be killed by a katana in your home

Right. That's what they don't tell you But they you know the hit rate is pretty good But hey summer is in full swing And the celebration begins during the summer of dash pass by door dash with weekly members only offers and new items released every week you can shine bright and feel cool all season long as skate grinders Grind the virtual rails right to your door katana in hand and also a bag of medicine From cbs. I bet they're listening to the first half of that ad wondering how you're gonna

We got it back. They got zero delivery fees exclusive items and more than 25,000 members only offers nationwide dash pass by door dash has everything you need to make your summer memorable Uh, we have a quick question. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was about to sort of like yeah a personal testimony about why I Yeah, they know you're right travis. Whatever you're about to say is more important than any personal testimony I was about to deliver for the company that has paid us money to deliver such a personal testimony What happened our podcast go ahead travis with your question What happens if the door dasher fails to fend off the werewolf the werewolf kills the dorsher and then appears at my home Yeah, pretending to be the door dasher. What do I do? Well, let me say first of all the stuff still gets to my house

That's door dash. They will always deliver even if they have been horrifically mauled by a werewolf. Yeah Um, it's personally if I might give a personal testimony. It's why I like to leave it at the door option Yes, even if it is a werewolf. I'm like, okay. Just leave it there Okay, I'll get it when you drive away or you know, leap over the fence and run off howling into the night And he's like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah, just leave it there. Please. I got dogs and I don't want to open the door And cove it's okay. So my testimony it's good It's good door dash is good and I use it all of the time for All of my my kitchen is packed up now door dash has been bringing me to delicious austin treats

Uh, uh, basically every night for the past few nights and I I do appreciate it Give 50 off your first order up to a $15 value. Use promo code mobim bam at checkout when you spend $12 or more That's 50 off your first order up to a $15 value when you sign up for door dash during summer of dash pass using promo code Mobim bam again, that's code mb mb am for 50 off your first order dash pass benefits Only on eligible orders that meet the minimum subtotal terms apply Door dash where food their food I don't think that's what about where food here food. I don't think that's gonna make it in the episode. Ah damn it In the briefest time I feel like we got to know each other

Bro, I appreciate you so much for that. Do you read minds or what? It's really a very sacred space you've created here Bullseye you've hit the bullseye, baby bullseye interviews with creators you love and creators you need to know from maximumfund.org NPR Hey, did grad school ruin your reading habits? Oh my god, all those books you had to read for grad school Did becoming a parent destroy your ability to focus on a book? Did the pandemic tank the number of novels? You can get through in a year. Oh that happened to everyone and we're reading glasses and we're here to help We'll get you out of a book slump dismantle all that weird reader guilt Which we know you have a lot of but most importantly we'll help you fall back in love with reading reading glasses every thursday on maximum fund

Okay I want a I want to Bah, bah, bah welcome on squads podcast of the podcast profiling the latest greatest brand eating KFC released finger sporks, and I'm not going to talk about it Please will you please at least tell me what it is. It's a spork goes on your finger To encourage you to make all their food finger looking good Now you can eat your corn with a finger spork

Does this does the spork? I don't want to talk about it anymore. No, no, no, but I do want to talk about it So does the spoon come up from the finger or do you like where do you scoop like you wear it on your finger? Right, but are you talking you could wear it either way Griffin? It's not I don't I can't imagine that it's like an intricate mounting process five finger sporks and then just pick up my tails Like that and just go blop blop blop blop. Yep. Okay, cool. It's all good stuff. It's all good It's like, you know just like finger-looking. It's just if you didn't want to talk about it I don't know why you would I'm just telling you that because I'm tired of people trying to bait me Yeah, he's like like anybody could do a hilarious run about that

But you know what I mean like we just did like three of them. We just did great and I I'm really torn though between these two stories Because one's wilder, but what okay, we're gonna talk about subway Subway has launched its most significant menu change in 57 years. Okay It's the subway series Okay, it doesn't sound that significant yet. Okay So here's what they've done have they made their shops not stink like the worst stink you've ever done ruining combination gas stations and subways It's the biggest menu update in the entire history of the franchise It tested hundreds of recipes to come up with the subway series

12 new signature sandwiches that can be ordered by name or By number wow, it's a whole new way to subway. Yeah, they're stealing it from jimmy john's 10 years ago Listen, this is gonna absolutely freak you out But you can now walk into a subway and say the name of a sandwich and they'll just give it to you No problem. How did it work before? at at the before You had to be like, okay, so take some yeast and sugar and flour and mix it up

And then wait, I don't know But now that's you know how it's always you've left a subway feeling like you just did like long form algebra You're like, why was that so tough? Why did they make it so hard? Why did I have to make eye contact with the person is their hand hovered over the vegetables and I said no no Now you could just say like give me Give me the boss Yeah, I can just throw myself through the front window of the subway and tuck and roll and just yell eight Give me the great garlic

They say here the series lineup isn't a swap and ordering options Customers can still walk the line and customize their own choices. Hell. Yeah So in case you were worried that they would say no, you have to have a lettuce or you'll go to jail Don't worry. You still can get it without less Intests the brand found the series to be easier for guests and employees No, this is a quote in fact in fort meyers after just a few weeks The franchisee reported guests were coming in and ordering the subway series by number or asking the great garlic By name

Imagine after just a few weeks people related to this new subway system and said fine I'll just have a great Great garlic and I won't try to make it my way I just want to say as I worked at a jimmy johns where this is the system you have The numbers and you have the names what you are now doing is requiring Let's just say it like underpay everybody in this country is underpaid at this point underpaid sandwich makers like having to Memorize artists. Thank you memorize and hey, thank you artists and you know what you're doing

You're making it sandwiched by number. You're taking away the artistry. Thank you And you're saying you have to fucking memorize the names so that when I say like give me I don't know the me the big meaty boy and they're like, oh, what's on that without the boss Is what you meant to say? Sure. Give me the boss. I I I don't think i'm gonna go into subway and order the mexicali I don't think I will I don't think I'll do that. I think I'll just order Whatever I feel like and then if you want to put a label on it You go for it. You call it the justin if you need to well, I just know if I commissioned something from an artist Yeah, I just say like I I want a landscape right and I let them do it. I'm not gonna say like hey

This is what I want it to look like exactly, right? Then that's not right Yeah, I'm not the artist you are like you make this as long as it looks like a car just drove over it Then it's the subway sandwich that I know and love. Here's a revolution. Here's what you do subway I'm gonna fill out a questionnaire that has nothing to do with sandwich toppings Then the artist is gonna read through that and get a vibe for me personally. You're like, oh, Travis likes, uh, You know a cool fall day. I know exactly what kind of sandwich he wants. Surprise me. Yeah, like a mixologist Surprise me a simple hundred question questionnaire That I I answer it and then you give me the sub sandwich or a drink filled out days in advance

I'm gonna come in on thursday So I'm gonna fill out this questionnaire on monday to give you some time an incredibly inappropriately intrusive a hundred question question. Oh, yeah Why do you need to know my sexual history in order to make me a roast a beef? I'm actually sorry, but I do need to It's been too long since I've done a munch quad and I need to tell you about this other one too It's hardies and it is maybe This may be the worst

Laziest terrible promotion. I've ever heard Of in my life hardies is partnering with nascar legend Richard petty to promote chicken platform. What to promote chicken platform to promote chicken platform Hardies is collaborating with one of the hottest drivers in history Okay, it's fuck Check out old dick petty one of his most popular menu offerings the hand-bredded chicken platform This month nascar hall of famer seven-time nascar champion. Come on. Say it with me guys, you know it Seven-time Daytona 500 winner and devoted hardies fan. Richard petty

Will be in his home state of north carolina to give consumers the bird Surprising restaurant goers with hand-bredded chicken sandwiches What is chicken platform? Oh There's a chicken platform, you know hand-bredded chicken platform. No, but it's the It's the idea of hand-bredded chicken sandwiches. I think Okay platform like a political platform or like some planks of wood actually closer to that than you would think traf Yeah, I think hearty hearty hurt. Where's my where's my dick petty hearties has always had a special place in my heart

Because it feels like a bite of home This seems like an apropos moment to reveal. I live in a hearty I live in a giant chicken like that James fellow except it's out of a piece. You see I live in an assisted living hearties Uh They help me with my dressings and some of my various household tasks And they keep me absolutely slathering and hand-bredded chicken platform I'm pretty sure that hearties could be more accurately qualified as a sort of hospice facility Spice um

I have been a true fan of hearties not like some of these fake hearties girls you'll hear about Oh You like hearties, huh? Three and four hearties members of the chicken platform Teaming up to celebrate this delicious hand-bredded chicken sandwich is a real treat for me Plus i'm looking forward to joining hearties. I'm in giving the bird a whole new meaning and surprising some deserving fans here in north carolina this summer Plus they said I could have a free sandwich Petty is popping up at a hearties location in the charlotte north carolina area. There can't be more than 30

Uh to give eligible guests a surprise hand delivery when they what makes you ineligible to get richard petty to hand deliver you a sandwich Oh, I don't eat chicken. Oh, fuck. Oh, okay The hand-bredded chicken platform launched last summer in the midst of the chicken wars and featured the which The fact that they're using the past tense means that there was an armistice declared that I am not familiar with as far as I know These wars are still raging out there Uh This summer these three craveable builds are back in the spotlight And are the ultimate

Cluck bait nope the ultimate one the ultimate cluck bait I Think travis might actually be right on this one each big juicy and crispy piece of a hundred premium white meat chicken is hand-bredded on site and now comes with a very small percentage chance that richard petty will give it to you I guess It's just richard petty has been a fan favorite for years And has always brought that extra flavor to the track like no one else can just like our hand-bredded chicken You know what it brings extra flavor to the track. I've lost my way Yeah, I lose it. I know I kind of I kind of rambled on there at the end

But you basically get what I was going for we really value the authenticity of this partnership because petty is an organic fan Yeah, not like some beavers Not like It's just What they're saying to you now is the this announcement is That if you order the chicken sandwich platform, yeah through the app or the drive through Maybe richard petty will give it to you. Oh guys It's not a chance that I'd allow for yet

But like I guess I do always kind of assume that maybe richard petty will hand my food to me And wouldn't that be wouldn't that be an amazing turn though if this time richard petty is helping the person in the vehicle He's your chicken pit crew this time. He's never been on that side before He's always been the one in because I assume now part of the pit crew duties for richard petty was handing him a chicken sandwich From hardy's every time he stopped in every race I think that hardy's is trying to throw shade at the kfc jack harlow collab By saying oh, it's not real shit like what us and dick have is real

What right this is real. He's a real american. I feel like this is a bad campaign because the very last thing that I want is to be at a Chicken platform restaurant and order some food and then a celebrity that I do not know who it is Yep, hands it to me and gives me a knowing smile like Vroom vroom order up and I'll be like. Thank you. Okay. Thank you must dash Gentlemen, thank you 85 year old hardy's employee very much appreciate. I like your hat. I didn't know that that was your hat too Yeah, what's your name? Let me check out your name tag as I always do because of my father of two richard Yeah, thank you very much richard. I appreciate you because my brain would honest to god kick into he's looking at me pretty hard

Does he listen to my brother my brother? This is the this is the this is would they say eligible guests? I think they are talking about like checking the date on your driver's license because richard petty has I looked it up real quick He is an 85 year old man that is not driven professionally for 30 Years his last ride. It was in 1992 professionally, okay, the wikipedia says he was in his twilight years as of 1980 Like you have you have to As they're coming through like and one other question

No reason, but do you know who richard petty is? Okay, go on in go on in go on it. Yeah on site though. Do you know richard petty? If you saw this man, would you recognize if they hold him a picture like a head? He's standing back in the kitchen just holding the bag just like looking like Do they know me? No I listen this is hey richard. Why you wait if you could sweep up back there Our pop culture is increasingly stratified. We have no monoculture to hold us together anymore I I have the narrowest possible sliver of celebrity

More people would know me as the guy who uploaded the berries and cream sound them for my entire professional career You would have to Like bring in the people that it would be exciting for me There's like 30 people that would be excited in a hearties to have me behind the drive-thru. Yeah Um, I'm not against that though If somebody wants to fly some people out to be excited by the three of us handing them a sandwich Yeah, I'd do it hearty hearties with the mackerel brothers and you can have that hearties You can use that for free

I mean it will I mean I know I want to get like six figures But yeah, sure for the idea is free the execution is will be Quite expensive. Hey, Justin. Will you read this third question real quick because I think that we can Nail it down really fast. Oh, okay. Sure. I collect vhs tapes not too long ago I acquired a big bad beetleborgs vhs tape that did not have a case Needless to say I rushed home to watch the tape But when it started it had a message that ran across the top of the screen saying it was a preview copy And if I purchased this tape I needed to call the number on the screen to report it to fox video

My question is am I good? Do I need to report this has too much time passed if I do report it? Well, they take this tape from me that's from mystified You can't report it. You know you need to hide it. Yeah Yeah, that's con that's contraband. They won't take the tape from you. They will take you From your home. Yeah, and you will not be seen again You you know too much, you know the uncorrected big bad beetleborgs Episodes like before they added it out all the racy stuff like you can't you can't be allowed to share this on Racist because the genie character was way more explicitly problematic

And challenging in the original cut. Um, and also can I just say now you've implicated us in this you put us at risk And now we're gonna have to go. Yeah, we're gonna. I mean we're gonna have to go on too or just to Till the heat dies down at this point. Where should we go trav? Oh, that's such a good question I was thinking maybe like salt lake city. They'll never look for us there Uh, and then to portland and then we can blend in with i'm a surprise to find us. There is anybody I'm surprised to find there's anyone sand ego comic con would be a good place to blend in we'll do some deadpool cosplay No one will ever find us That uh, well unless you buy tickets

And you know macro doubt family or you go to bit dot oi slash macroi two words then You might be able to find us at those places Salt lake city is like I guess the only place they could really nab us because that's the only show that's not sold out Um, thank you portland and San Diego. We're back. Yay Uh, november we're also gonna be in my new hometown of washington dc. Detroit and Cincinnati my hometown Justin you got to move to Detroit real quick. You can move back. Uh, if you have questions, have me there Oh, yeah, I'm not after the star wise thing um email us questions at uh

mbmbam at maximumfund.org with the city of the tour stop in the subject line so we can uh build up those question lists You got to wear a mask and have proof of full vaccination or negative covid test within 72 hours of the event start If you want if you want to ride with me Oh at these shows. Yeah, no scrubs. Um, and uh reminder with griffin move them We're gonna have a couple of live episodes in a row there Well, he gets settled in and can set up equipment and all that stuff. Please understand. Yeah, please Please your understanding is needed. Please Over at the merch store

We got the approach to the wizard shirt designed by dina wagner and 10 of all merch proceeds this month Go to the trans youth equality foundation You can find all that stuff at macro merch dot com and pre-orders for taz 11th hour are now open It comes out february 21st 2023 go to the adventure zone comic dot com to pre-order Thank you to montane for the use for our theme song. My life is better with you It's a track that will get that booty slapping. Yeah, that's what I've heard Uh, it's also, uh, worth noting. We're going to be doing some uh panels and stuff as well as andy uber calmacon I know dad and I are doing one sunday morning at 10 a.m. All about uh, like influencing the next generation of nerds

And that's going to be with uh brie angar and b day falters and johnny stanton It's going to be super fun and very uh, I don't know good and you'll like it Or else, uh, we'll take out those look it. Yeah fun and good We'll tweet out those locations and post the schedule and everything so you can find us at all those because we're doing a taz panel too It's going to be great. We'll see you there. Oh my gosh Um, I've been working on my james spader impression and I would love to try it out If I could I mean we can go amp versus amp spader versus spader and jesson can be jesson can be in Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah one issue is I don't know who that is. Oh james spader

Yeah, so my impression will be based largely off of whatever you do Okay, okay, let me let me let me do it in idea wait You don't know james spader is I know the name. Is that uh, is that boston? No, boston legal No, james. Hey, okay. You're thinking james mars day. Okay. This does get confusing. Okay. Let's talk about it real quick Okay, james marchsters Foot guy. Yeah, james mars den sonic's friend and and and and maybe potential foot guy

James harden Famously bearded basketball correct. Yes. I james spader none of those none of those He was he was weird boss weird boss on the office. He was don't tell me who it is. Okay Uh, that's the deal either you take it or you leave it Then let me try it now. Okay. I said, I'm the weird boss on this show I don't know which one and and you you're gonna listen. You're gonna listen to me now james spader Now now tell him i'm gonna put you on my blacklist. I'm gonna put you. Oh, is that who it is? Yeah, okay Gotta look black list

Uh now now uh now i'm gonna put you on my blacklist. You got it. You're like you have In the gold blue. You're in the right. You're right. You're right. There. It's surprisingly close Yeah, is it surprisingly close? Yeah, there's a thin barrier between spader and gold blue. My name is just the macaroy I'm travis macaroy. I'm griffin macaroy. This has been my brother. My brother. He kissed your dad square on the lips Oh It's better. It's better with you It's better. It's better with you. Is this true? It's better. It's better with two

Oh, it's better with you Maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported