My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 620: Face 2 Face: Djinnergy

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

We’re on the road, so we’ve got a different show from a different road to share. Straight from the better Kansas City, we bring you the world’s first Gurt Alert. We sure were hurtin’ for a gurtin’ on this show.Suggested Talking Points: Fast Cream for Business, The Art of Walking Down Stairs, Mr. Died in Fire, My Brother’s Idiot Fish, FILFsTrans Youth Equality Foundation: https://www.transyouthequality.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sex bird, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life. Ah, it's better, it's better with you. This is true. Ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life. Ah, it's better with you. Guys, you guys hear about this? I hear, I see iron mics back in the headlines. Jesus Christ. Hear about this? This is just how my mind works.

Should we go? No, no, no, keep it on hit. I don't, we don't need more light, Justin does. What he's doing, he clearly needs this. And listen, I don't want to tell the people who work here how to do their jobs, but what he's doing is more important than what me and Travis are doing right We're a glorified audience. Can you turn the lights off of me and Travis? And if you want to mute our mics, it's just always such a joy to be back in the in the Las Cruces funny bone. Y'all are always the best audience. So So iron mics back in the headlines. I've had, I've had some, they, they don't mention that in the safety.

That's great. He, he hits someone on an airplane several times. If you didn't, they don't mention. Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the Modrin era. Wait a minute. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McRae, and I'm guessing we have not been here before. Is that accurate? Because this, the second time you all will see it's much deluded from this. So I'm loving this, getting it wrong. The second time it's a lot of them like, oh, yeah, it's amusing, not funny, but amusing. I'm your middle is brother, Travis McElroy.

And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. If, if you say so, man, I am just so thrilled to be here in the Paris of the Plains, as I call it, the city, the city of fountains, um, soccer capital of America. We want the world cup. Am I right? Yeah. And it's also called the center of America mainly because it's the center of America. I mean, draw an X. We're here. This is the heartland right here. We're here. I call it the cool Kansas City. Am I right? Fuck the other Kansas. Fuck that other Kansas City for real. Hey, there's a lot of you here. If we all teamed up, we could beat bad Kansas City's ass.

They'd never see it coming. Um, this is an advice show. We took a don't be jealous, but we took a bus to get here. Now, just always at a fancy tour bus like Garth Brooks might have. No, it was just a regular bus with cup holders. Just like with some cup holders. There was a, there was a turlet in the back note, no TP, which I see you. Thank you. I get it. No TP, no sink. So it was really just a wet bus hole. The sink, the sink had a paper sign in it that said, do not use. So several of us did use the bathroom. So we all kind of exchange this glance like, we'll never speak of this, right? I didn't, you didn't write, did you bring hand sanitizer? Okay. But they did have one DVD on the bus and the one, one, a single DVD and the bus

driver found it and was like, let me see if we have any other DVDs. But we told them to stop because the DVD was space jam. And we said that stop looking. I want to talk about, and I'm so sorry. It's a beloved classic. Here he goes. There's a huge plot hole in this. He hasn't already lost you enough. Now he's going to attack space. But it bothered the shit out of me today watching it right at the beginning. Michael Jordan is crushed into a basketball by the monstars. And then later, he's surprised that his body can contort into different shapes. Excuse me, Michael, you already done, did it once. I'm just saying some inconsistencies in space jam. He's Andrew Dice Clay over here tonight. I don't mean to be. It did get, it did

inspire my oldest son to once again just check with me that Michael Jordan's a real person and not a creation of the Warner Brothers entertainment conglomerate. Our dad, as far as I know, did not read a book or look at a screen other than the movie space jam. He watched the entirety of it wrapped. And I know that because every few minutes he would announce the name of the person on the screen. Jim Rome. Look at him. Mugsy Bogs. Look at him. Five foot three Mugsy Bogs is. You can be anything you want to be. Thank you. That's the message of tonight's, tonight's evening is you can live your dreams. You can be anything you want to be. What a beautiful venue, by the way. We were blown away. This is so fortunate to have. This is a lovely place. I asked

who made the chandelier and nobody would tell me what. Yeah, I asked around. I was like, did you make it? They're afraid you copy it. Yeah, I guess this is, as you certainly guessed by now, an advice show. And we're you sent us your questions and we are going to do our very best to answer them, which isn't very good. No, it's not good. There will also be skits if you've never listened before. What? There'll be skits and sketches and bits. There'll be batches. Okay. Here's the first question for my job. One of the things I've always had to do is stock the work fridge full of snacks once. What a weird part of someone's adult job. Someone's got to do it. Someone's got to do it. I'm the CEO of Apple. I live in Kansas City. Once kind of as a joke, I got Gogurts. Much to my

surprise, they were almost immediately gone. So I restocked them and have been doing so for the last two and a half years. That's a lot of Gogurts. That's a lot of Gogurts. Mamma Mia. Recently, the grocery store I go to stopped stocking them. So I stopped buying them for work. That'll teach them. Yesterday, my boss's boss came up to my desk. Mind you, this is the first time I've ever formally met this person and asked if there's anything I can do to get the Gogurts back. Brothers, how do we get more Gogurt? Then that's from hurting for a Gertin. It's good. It's very good. It's excellent. Are you here? Okay. Got it. That sounds like someone who doesn't know how to source Gogurt.

Hey, real quick, just by a round of applause. If you live in this region and could buy Gogurt tomorrow, please applaud. Okay. Thank you. This was my suspicion. Just tell the truth. You didn't want to buy Gogurt anymore. I get it. No pricey. I do understand. If you go to the place closest to your house and they have everything but Gogurt, the idea of being like, time to make a second stop for the Gogurts was stupid. Gross. But like, what is this store that's like, I don't know, we sell through all this Gogurts all the time, but it's just one person. Maybe we should stop selling it. I'm worried about them. We had to stop selling it, but they're eating eight Gogurts a day. Maybe you've maximized efficiency so much that word has spread that Gogurts is the new work fuel.

Oh, because it's so quick. No spoons. No bowls to wash. I could blast down a Gogurt in... Can we get a Gogurt to try that if we can have it? Yeah, Paul, Gogurt. No, we don't have any Gogurt. If I need gut bacteria in the next 11 seconds... There is no way. I would swear on a sack of Bibles that there is no bacteria in Gogurt whatsoever. I mean, not the good kind. It's not probiotic. I was going to say it's anti-biotic, but we probably would have heard about that. Wait, why are both of those things good? Where's the middle ground? Where's just biotic? Antibiotic is good. Probiotic is good. It's when they get out of... It's like midichlorians. So that's why Jamie Lee Curtis can move things with her mind.

Gogurts is like the new soylent for people that like to have a good time. Yeah. Gogurts is a complete meal. It's got go. It's got Gurt. It's everything you need for the day. It's got cream. It's got flavor. It's got cold. And sometimes there's SpongeBob on the package. Yeah. Company is only giving 25-second breaks. That's perfect time to just slurp it down. You can do that as you walk to your one bathroom break for the day. No problem. You remember the commercials for like Yo! Play! Fruit at the bottom where they mix it up a little bit. And it's like, I've got reports to file. I've got clients. I need to interface with... With the fruit at the top, in the middle, in the bottom, I'm busy. No fruit. No fruit. Just cream. Fast. Fast cream. If I could crush it

to my face, what about Gogurts? Yes! They should call it fast cream for business. Sometimes when I'm on my way to do brain surgery and I only have a little bit of time between brains, I need a quick Gogur. I need a very fast... I'm an adult doctor with responsibilities. And a hunger for cream. Get me a Gogur with Anna on it. They do need to have, like, it can still be the same stuff in the thing, but do have it be, say, fast, fast cream for business on the label and have like someone with... They should have a lot of Gogurts. This is like black and white with like a business man in a suit. Like, huh, time to go. This tastes like tobacco. Good. Is this Resonator? I don't know how good of a job you do at your job, but if you've ever

watched Survivor, you know that you want to be the one person that knows how to fish, because they're not going to vote you off right away because they'll get hungry. Unless you're a big person, in which case they are going to cut you loose as soon as you hit the merge. A big, strong person, they'll get you, get rid of you at the merge. But the point is, you can't be sure that you are not hanging on by a Gogur. You know, like, you can't do one person that knows how to get Gogur, because apparently the boss's boss can't get their own Gogur. They have to come to you, their dealer. If another human being, the Gert Smith, if another human being who is in charge of people who are in charge of people

has to lower themselves to ask you, another human being, what can we do to get more Gogur? Yeah, that was not it. That person had to psych themselves over that conversation for days. Like, no, I'm just going to ask you. I'm going to ask you today, honey. I'm going to ask you. You can't. I have to. I don't know where to get it. My productivity's down some. I can't do it without Gogur. It's also an optics thing, though, because if you're somebody's boss's boss, you can't roll up to the Kroger and be like, hmm, 12 packages of Gogur for me, please. I'm going to the opera later. So you're saying the employees at this Kroger are like, wait a minute, you're a boss. You can't be buying Gogur. No, no, no, no, not just a boss, a super boss. You have bosses

that answer you. Fantastic. I hope that helps. Go to another store. I had you right early. Yeah, I have a I've got a Gogurt guy in Kansas City. I can hook you up with he's he's got the special swamp berry flavor from that was a promotion for Shrek forever after it's going to cost you extra, but your coworkers will taste the difference. It's a finely aged you can tell from the it's Gogurt cheese. You can tell from the rind on the outside. It's perfect. It's ready. Oh, this is this is funky. Can I say that? This is funky. This is a funky Gogur and I love it. Is this frozen? No, it's just solid. Yeah. I'm sorry, by the way, I'll I'll pack up my things and go. I work at a college and my coworkers and I yeah, okay. Yeah, college

is good. If you want, I work at a college and my coworkers and I volunteered to help some nursing students with a disaster simulation. I was giving closed head. Sorry. I think that should be I was given given, although I do like you're giving closed head wound. You're giving massive trauma category is closed head wound. I was given closed head wound, which basically means a concussion. My coworkers were given more intense injuries and some even used moulin. I don't know that we all know moulin is the art. I do know what it is. What is it? No, you go make make up. You say is it like deco posh? No, but I can listen to you say that word all day. Is it like deco posh? You say it like a spy in like a 1940s movie delivering a secret. Ah, my friends. Is it

make up? Is it like blood make blood? It's like a cast. Okay, that's fine. So fucking funny. I've been asked to participate again. And while I know it's important to have people with minor injuries, brothers, I want to know how I can beef up my performance. That's from it's only a flesh wound. Are you here? All right. All right, good. Now the first thing I do have to say before we move on is that there are no small injuries. Yeah. As we can get terribly infected and kill you. Travis or Griffin, one of them once got a pine tree needle stuck in their foot, had to go in for surgery. Anything can spiral out of control at any time. I got a kidney stone, little old thing stuck in my peepee works, took G-man out of commission for the better part of a

month. So they had to send Dennis Quaid in there in a tiny submarine to get it out. That's true, had to blast it. Anything can happen. I got a boner and crushed a man inside of me. Unrelated, those two things. And that's what happened to Randy Quaid. If you're curious, he's still mad at Griffin. You killed my brother. You killed my tiny brother with your boner. Again. Again. That's how I lost Ralph Quaid. He was the best of us. You did Randy Quaid get inside my wiener. No, Randy didn't. In this picture, Dennis did, was killed by your boner and it made Randy so mad. Oh, I thought you were saying Randy Quaid was shrunk down in a urinal and it's like shot up my pee stream the other way. So here's what you

could do. Screaming, hey boys, I'm back. Okay. So, hey, so here's one thing you could do. Because my wiener kidnapped Randy Quaid in the 90s. One thing you could do. You do the concussion. That's child's play. Anybody could do that. But you also add on another injury. Just sort of on the side. Just sort of along the way. Hey, while you're looking at this, is this normal? And then you pull aside your tuxedo jacket and you get a knife wound in there. Yeah, it's got to be good too. It can't just like, I got a hurt elbow or whatever, like a piece of rebar through. And you have like, you know, it's like one of those arrows through the head, but it's rebar. One, they do want an old sweeps week episode of Gray's Anatomy. Oh, there's a bomb in

my tummy. Something like that. Other students are like, hey, she's doing it again. She's adding other injuries that we're not supposed to do. Why, no, not be cool. Be cool. Be cool. I gotta follow my blade. They said that they have an alien in their head. And that's why the injuries, I did not. I did not. It's my tummy. We're aliens. What was wrong? You could draw like a with black marker, like a crack on your head. And it'd be like, this is a real humdinger of a concussion I got over here. It could be the story behind the concussion. It's not related to the hurricane that happened. No, it's just like, here's what, like I got a concussion for a long time ago. It's a long time concussion I've been meaning to see somebody about and maybe you could help me with

that. It always acts up during hurricanes. I got a concussion so bad. Oh, there's a hurricane coming. Oh, my concussion. Oh, what if the concussion gave you psychic powers and now they have to deal with that? Hey, I got phenomenon and now I can I have psychic powers. I got a concussion so bad. I fell on this knife. So I need you to do both of them for me. The knife hit me real hard and then bounced into my tummy. Phenomenon me. I did get telekinesis, but I do not know how to use it. Exhibit A, the knife, trying to cut a steak instead I cut a me. Well, maybe you will get a better injury next time. That's always possible. We're trained with somebody lazy. Yeah, somebody would love a concussion. Yeah, that way you don't you

can just show up tired. Nobody would be bad. I'm gonna go to sleep. Wait, no, no, stop. Or you could show up with rebar through your body and just be like, you can't give me something else. I'm you got to dress for the wound you want, you know. Yes. Yes. Also, how good are you all fixing stuff because I do actually this is not make up. This is I need medical attention right now. But please be careful. I'm just borrowing the rebar. I do have to take it back. My dad's going to be so pissed if I don't get his rebar back to him. He's a foreman. The office I work in in downtown KC, that's Kansas City has a big open staircases down the middle of the building, and I get the pleasure of sitting directly in front of them

on the second floor. Every time someone walks down the stairs, I have severe anxiety that I will look up, make eye contact and cause someone to trip. And then we will have locked eye contact for the duration of their fall. Are you a gyroscope? Yeah, I don't think that that part I don't think will happen to be clear. How do I ensure that I'm not the cause of these falls? Should I avoid eye contact at all times? Or will that make me seem unfriendly and stand offish? That's from stress star stair watcher in Kansas City, Missouri. Are you here? All right. Way back there because you know you can't make eye contact with us. With your incredible hypnotic eye contact, sends people to their doom. I'm pretty sure this is the plot of while you were sleeping.

Is it? I don't think that's right. And it's so old that it doesn't matter. That's my new persona, by the way. Yeah, guy who doesn't like while you were sleeping. What a, what a shithead. Who likes that guy? That movie's great. Nobody is going to look like after they fall and the police arrive, presumably. No one is going to say, it was, it was her. She did it. She locked me with eye contact and then I beefed it. It was all her fault. Because it could be just as likely they really wanted to make eye contact with you and were terribly distracted by the fact that you would not look at their eyeballs. That's true. Okay, but here's the problem, Justin. You're right. The first time.

But after it happens five or six times. Never happened. It's never, I want to be clear. It's never happened. This is because they're being careful now. Super clear. Love it. Has not happened. This is fun because you guys are like the good, like the angel and the devil of anxiety on my shoulders. That's like, if you look at someone, they will trip. And Justin's like, no, dog, don't worry about it. But Travis is anxiety. Like, yeah, man, it's definitely for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure. I'm just saying there's a middle ground between the fifth or six time. It's the third time. The third time. But if you're saying it hasn't happened or it's happened six times, the middle ground is three. No, the middle time is one time because it will

never happen. It could happen. Okay, listen, listen, less advice. The whole time you ever see anyone walking down the stairs, just go, don't trip. Don't trip. Do not trip. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Look at the stairs. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, grab the rail, grab the rail. I will say, you know what? Point of order. Anytime that I've ever made eye contact with someone I don't know, it did prompt me to immediately focus extremely hard on what I was doing at that exact second. If I even fleetingly saw was looking at someone, they look up back at me, I'm immediately like fascinated by the art of walking down stairs. I've never done anything so compelling in my entire life.

Yeah, if I know someone's watching me navigate stairs, I'm going to want to do the best damn job I can going down those stairs. Really? I might even do like a funky little stair. That's how you fall down. It's not your fault. Oh, it's hubris. You like this shit? Whoa. I deserve that. It's not on you. It's on me. It's on me. I tried to see walk down this. Oh, hello there. Didn't see you come in. I'm Travis McRoy. You might know me as the middlest brother from my brother, my brother and me, a podcast that you're currently listening to. But I'm also a language enthusiast. Yes, that's correct. Language. I love it. But how does it work? You ask. Well, it's easy. You learn the you learn the words and you learn

what they mean. And then you can say them to people and then they they so then they understand you get it, right? Well, if you don't get it, and I'm starting to think that perhaps I don't, you could check out Babel. Babel is the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions. It's fun. It's easy to use. I've used it to practice French. I enjoy it. I find the lessons easy to understand and fun to do with Babel. You only need 10 minutes to complete a lesson so you can start having real life conversations in a new language in as little as three weeks. Other language learning apps use AI for their lesson plans, but Babel lessons were created by over 150 language experts. And with Babel, you can choose from 14 different languages,

including Spanish, French, Italian and German. So right now save up to 60% off your subscription when you go to Babel.com slash my brother. That's Babel.com slash my brother for up to 60% off your subscription Babel language for life. I also can't recommend this enough, but you should be checking out Stitch Fix at this point because listen, we all have those clothes, you know, you're like, this is what looks good on me. I don't know. Is there something else? I don't know. But when you walk into a store, maybe you're overwhelmed or you don't even know where to start. That's what Stitch Fix is for because it's time to update your style. It is. All right. So maybe you need a little nudge to find some new looks. Stitch Fix will help you out.

I've done it. I've been using Stitch Fix for literally years now. And I've been able to upgrade my wardrobe, I would say 99% of the time, if somebody says, that's a great shirt, or those are great pants, or where did you get those shoes? The answer is Stitch Fix. So first, you take a few minutes to set up your Stitch Fix style profile, answer a few questions about what you like to wear, what you don't, and, you know, like styles you're open to that kind of thing. And then they have expert stylists that will go to work finding items that work for you that fit your size, style and your budget, which is one of my favorite parts. And they will send you five pieces to try on at home, you keep what you love, send back what you don't,

and only pay for what you keep. Shippings or turns and exchanges are easy and free. So sign up today at stitchfix.com slash my brother to get $20 off your first purchase. That's stitchfix.com slash my brother to get $20 off your first purchase. Limited time offer, apply within two days of sign up. And listen, before you go, don't wait, stop, don't go anywhere. Make sure to check out the approach to the wizard shirt over at macroemerge.com designed by Dana Wagner, and 10% of all merge proceeds this month. We'll go to the Trans Youth Equality Foundation. Pre-orders for the Adventure Zone 11th Hour are available now. You can go to theadventurezonecomic.com to pre-order. Thank you to everybody who came out

to see us in Salt Lake City, Portland, and San Diego. If you want to get tickets for our next tour, it's Washington DC, Detroit, and Cincinnati in November. Get those tickets at bit.ly slash McElroy Tours and mask and proof of full vaccination or negative COVID test within 72 hours of event start is required. So thank you and enjoy the rest of the episode. Hi, my name is Graham Clark, and I'm one half of the podcast stop podcasting yourself, a show that we've recorded for many, many years. And at the moment, instead of being in person, we're recording remotely. And you wouldn't even notice, you don't even notice the lag. That's right, Graham. And the great thing about this, go ahead. No, you go ahead. Okay, go ahead.

And you can listen to us every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcast. Your podcast. Hi, it's me, Dave Hill from before here to tell you about my brand new show on Maximum Fun, the Dave Hill Good Time Hour, which combines my old Maximum Fun show, Dave Hill's podcasting incident with my old radio show, the goddamn Dave Hill show, and a one new futuristic program from the future. If you like delightful conversation with incredible guests, technical difficulties, and actual phone calls from real life listeners, you've just hit a street called Easy. I'm also joined by my incredible co-host, the boy criminal, Chris Gersbeck. Say hi, Chris. Hey, Dave, it's really great to- That's enough, Chris. And New Jersey chicken rancher, Des. Say

hi, Des. Hey, Dave. The Dave Hill Good Time Hour, brand new episodes every Friday on Maximum Fun. Plus, the show's not even an hour. It's 90 minutes. Take that, stupid rules. We nailed it. Wait, is this right? This can't be right. Here, now? We're trying to do a live show, and there's a hot and dull watch? I am so, so sorry and honestly embarrassed. Let's meet our first guest, Positive Leroy. Well, his full name is Potters and Leroy, died in fire. Positive Leroy died in fire. Still positive, though? You don't have no limits. He's Positive Leroy, died in a fire. Oh, no. This is 18-year-old Leroy. He passed away a long time ago in, you guessed it, a fire. He's obsessed with girls now,

as any 18-year-old would be. A little heteronordinate from my taste, but all right. He had a girlfriend when he passed and washed over her until she went to heaven. Why is Positive Leroy wearing small zubas? Why is he shrugging so hard? David Spade's haircut. Nobody knows. He said he's stuck here, but won't explain why. It's because he's a doll. He wants the babes. He loves. No babes in heaven. No babes in heaven. Please show him love and compassion. Know that, yes, he may flirt with you. Don't give in. This beautiful boy, Positive Leroy. Died in fire. Died in fire. He's kind of selfish. Oh, please. Mr. Died in Fire was my dad.

Call me Positive Leroy. He likes to communicate through the necrophonic app, K2, pendulum, and lights up cat balls. I don't know what that means, but let's go with it. They're cat toys that light up. If you have any questions, please message me. I have a few. Your experience may be different from mine. I assure you, it is. I get just from that. That's Positive Leroy. Look at his little toes. He's like so beautiful and special. I don't think he's that creepy. And he's shrugging like, Died in Fire. It's 11. Thanks for the cardigan. Wait, this can't be right. Another haunted doll?

Oh, this one's negatively right. Welcome to the stage, Lauren. Neutral Lauren. Lived in fire. Whoa. No, no, no. That's Lauren. This is a hateful brooch. Haunted Dolls Act of Metaphysical. It's Lauren. I love that this spirit is so fun. Can I tell you what's weird, Griffin? That's a mirror. I love that this spirit is so fun. She is a mysterious lady, this one. She will always change her name and voice. Her story has yet to be consistent. She often says the name Lauren, so I'm going with that.

Lauren likes to just have fun with you. You'll hear her skipping, whistling. With what body? You'll hear her skippling, whistling. Falling down some stairs. Rolling. Only if you make eye contact with her. She also likes to show shadows. Lauren is very bubbly. Wait a second. Yeah, that's the way it shakes you. Don't do that that fast because it makes it alive. No! It's looking at me with that picture. Oh, no. She also likes to show shadows. Lauren is very bubbly and always happy for reasons that honestly escape me.

She has a fun spirit to have in a home. No! Why did you spend so much time on this animation, Paul? Lauren is very bubbly and always happy. She's a fun spirit to have in a home. No returns. How did she die though? She didn't. This is a living person's face adhered to an old picture frame. You ever seen Doctor Who? Yeah. If you choose to adopt her into your life, please understand something of great importance. You got ripped off. Spirits do not always reveal themselves immediately.

They do not perform on command. You need to give them time and space. Sometimes it happens right away, but it's quite rare. More often than not, a spirit needs months to feel comfortable. Well past the return window to feel comfortable enough to begin showing activity. By then, you won't even remember where you got it. Yeah, and I'll have canceled this account. Bye! Bye! It also depends on your own experience with the paranormal at times. I have had experiences right away, but usually I'll hear from them.

A month or even up to six months later when things are happening. Finally, I cannot stress it enough. Give spirits time. Give them space. Remain open-minded and you will be amazed. God, it's still there, Paul. It's still there, Paul. Hey, so here, so we've been taking haunted doll watching some interesting new directions as we delve deeper into metaphysical eBay. And I'm so excited about our next offering, our third and final offering. Paul, if you would be so kind.

What? Yes! He's my favorite SoundCloud rapper. Now, what do we have on offer here? Well, my friends, it's a wish from the Lord of Jiquitzqua, billionaire King Jinn. Now, I was worried with this that when I saw the word Jiquitzia, I thought that I might be stumbling into some like cultural territory that's outside of my... No, no, no. That's a made-up word for the exact most thing.

Google it. This is the only thing that comes up. So you can get a wish from the Lord of Jiquitzqua, billionaire King Jinn. This is one wish. I mean, no big... Like it's a wish from the Lord of Jiquitzqua, billionaire King Jinn. Manifest your desires into reality, powerful and unique to Godmaster healers. Hey, I'm a snake. What do you mean? What do you mean? I'm a big snake. What do you mean? Venom, hissing sound?

Oh, you want money? I'm not Jiquizza, but I know him. I didn't... Not available anywhere else. One would hope. Supercharged your life with real magic, unique secret magic to Godmaster healers. First time being offered to the public. Boys, let me ask you a few questions. Yes, sure. Are you tired of being poor?

Yes. Do you want obscene amounts of money? Absolutely. Wait, obscene? Would you like money coming to you from all directions? All directions? Fancy giving up your day job and live your dreams? Yeah, I would love to do that the most.

You would not see me on this stage again. Have you had enough just making ends meet? I may have the answer. A billionaire Jinn from my own personal collection. But wait, this needs to be clarified immediately. We're not buying a Jinn. No. No, you get one wish.

And not only that, I saw it on the page. You get a note card to write your wish. Just let me finish. Just let me finish. Billionaire Jinn, I'm offering one wish from my own billionaire Jinn. Lord of Jikwitzwa is over 42,813 years old. Wait, over that? Over that, so several months.

Yeah, 42,813 and a half. And a half. Years old and comes from first generation of Jikwitzwa family. My birthday is in September. Go ahead and let me rent a car, please. Be cool. This billionaire Jinn has plenty of experience in complex money making rituals. I have owned him just over 11 years and always helped me realize my financial dreams.

It's worth noting, this is on sale for $50. It's 50 pounds actually. Sorry, 50 pounds, which is roughly, let's see, $65 and $18 shipping. So the financial dreams can't have been that fully realized, right? Well, that's what it is. This is part of it. It's like, I would like to have a billion dollars too. Like, you can.

So we're going to set up an eBay account, my dude, and you and me together. This is how we're going to do it. You're going to sell wishes for me. Bang, bang, boom. And then you're going to hire people and they're going to sell wishes for you. It's the world's first pyramid scheme. I live in a pyramid. I'm a big snake.

I'm a big, big snake. I cannot guarantee. We love pyramids. I cannot guarantee the time or how your wish will manifest, but it will happen in time. It may be months. It may be 40,000 years. It may be years. Be careful what you wish for, as it cannot be reversed.

It's like hiring Dan Ackroyd and Gertz point blank. It cannot be reversed. It is not if it will work or not, but do you really want what you're asking for one more time? It is not if it will work or not, but do you really want what you're asking for? The sad truth is most people spend their lives not knowing what they really want in life. You have provided several helpful prompts of what this gin can supply you. To be fair, they were all money-based. And what if you write to the gin and I'm like, I would like to be happy?

And it's like, oh, I can't do that. Do you want some money? Important. This is in all caps. I don't think that's right. It'll be like this. Somewhere between those two. Important.

I do not want to know your wish. Please do not message me. It's birthday wish rules. Let me know your wish in the order details. Keep it secret, please, for your sake and your immortal soul. Holy shit. You heard me. I'm not responsible for how your wish manifests.

I will not offer refunds or return on this wish pact. I will send you a pre-charged magical card with my gin's energy. All you need to do is write your wish on the card and hide it. That is all. And hide it? The gin will do the rest. That's simple. No spells or bindings.

Hide it well enough so that your wife does not come home and say, hey sweetheart, what on earth is this? That right there? That's a 50-pound wish, my friend. 50-pound well-spent. I have limited wish cards available. Once the billionaire gin has placed his limit, I will end this listing forever. Buy it now before it's too late.

We gotta get this fucking note card. I mean- And then wish for at least 51 pounds. I'm not dabbling in these dark arts. Anyway, that's our Haunted Doll Watch. Oh boy. I'm terribly sorry to interrupt. This is tour manager Paul with an important interruption.

I promise it's important because this is the first ever Gert Alert. I have a very important update relating to Go Gert. And I really kind of have to show you rather than tell you. Okay. Okay. Did we get some Gert? Oh, awesome.

Hell yeah, my dude. Oh, cool. Hey, I'm not doing this, but this will be the live show that you saw Griffin house a whole Go Gert because he said he could. Thank you, Paul. Um, come on. I'm not absolutely not. I don't even like yogurt.

I saw, I saw you were cool. Okay. Everybody ready to film this great Go Gert race? Two brothers. Both alike. Countdown. Not a sponsor, Go Gert. I need you to countdown, Justin.

Okay. You guys ready? We'll count down with you. We'll do three, two, one. I'm gonna fucking go. We'll do three, two, one. Go Gert. You ready?

Go Gert. I gotta grab. Hold on. Wait, wait, hold on. I'm ready, I'm ready. I'm gonna burp. Okay. Three, two, one.

Go Gert. You guys are in for a raunchy night. Bob, that was good. Was it good? That was good as hell, my dude. That was really fucking good, Go Gert. I get it. That company, Jesus Christ.

If that was alcoholic, that's a party right there. I love that, man. You gotta do it. I'll sip it one casually. No, make it an evening of it. I'll just sip it while we answer the audience questions. Someone is at the microphone. Come on down.

Let's begin. Hi. Hi. Who are you? Oh, was it too spicy? I don't like it. I don't like it. Is it too spicy?

I don't like it. I don't like it. Hi. Hi. My name is Michael. Hi, Michael. I like your jacket. Love that look, Michael.

Thank you, sir. I appreciate it. Get right up on that microphone. So, Michael, your sentence that you sent us was, brothers, should I keep digging this big hole under my house? I might take an early guess at no, but I am going to need more context. Okay, so my wife and I recently got a new house,

or it's a very old house. Well, we started doing some renovating and dug under some concrete. Yeah. And we found like a brick archway. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. And so we started digging.

Are there any runes this season on the coast of Oak Island? I haven't checked yet, but we're about... You didn't check for runes, Michael? Michael, they keep glowing. I looked, but, all right. We're seven feet in at this point. I can stand.

I'm a pretty tall gentleman. Yeah. And I can stand completely in this hole and just... Just hide. To vanish. Yeah, sure. Have you... Okay.

We haven't hit the bottom yet. Of the archway? Well, it's a completely flat wall. It's like plastered in. Okay. Holy shit. Why are you worried about hitting pipes? What if you hit pipes?

Or demons? At a certain point, I either have to keep going or I have to stop. What do I do? Those are the options. Yeah. If you dig half a hole, that's really not anything, is it? So you haven't...

You have not exhumed the entire archway, is what you're saying? Not completely. I mean, do you have to get the archway out, Michael? What do I... What else can I do? You can film it for TikTok. How long?

Yeah. Yeah, you should have been filming this whole time. Well, how much of an archaeological background do you have that qualifies you to this exhumation? Also, did you call fucking 401-1 to make sure you're not going to zap yourself, you goofball? We did check that there's no electrical going through it. Was they asked, like, out of curiosity,

why are you digging a big hole under your house? Did you ask about lay lines between archways? What if you punch through the archway and there's more house in there? Let him talk! There's a big hole under my house. Yeah, we... Okay, that's established.

That's not new information, Michael. Don't waste fucking time, Michael. I'm drinking gogurt. I have places to be. Did you get another gogurt? I wanted to know if the banana one was good or not. Not as good as strawberry? It's not.

Michael. I'm scared that I will... Yes. Your house will fall on you? No. No, okay. Because it's like a 110-year-old house. Yeah, so it's definitely fine.

Yeah, no way it would fall on you. I'm scared that... I'm either going to unleash something or find treasure. And I don't know what to do. Wait, why are you scared of treasure? Don't be scared... Well, because then... Open your heart.

No, because then everybody comes knocking. Oh, yeah. Hey, Michael, I heard you hit me... Struck gold. Can I say there's a third option you should be afraid of, which is you do a lot of work and find nothing. Yeah, but like... I already found a kick-ass archway.

Oh, I found a cool archway. Michael, I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you do have to keep going. If you do half of this, it's nothing. Half of this is nothing. That's true. Thank you. You'll tell this story to people,

and they'll be like, so, and you'll be like, so I covered it up and watch Wheel of Fortune. Like, that's nothing. That's nothing. You have to finish. You have to finish. In fact, I would go so far as to say,

like, invite people over and make a day of it. Yeah. You know, many hands make light exclamation of the weird archway. Just get some friends in. And, you know, if a demon shows up, you got a little, maybe a little meat between you and them. Yeah.

Don't invite your best friends. Yeah. Invite people you know. You're strong, bad friends. If the moon is full, maybe throw a tarp over that shit. Yeah. If you hear whispers from inside that sound like long-lost loved ones,

don't throw tarp. Yeah, tarp it so hard. As bad as you want to know the truth, the archway wants you even more. Yeah. Yeah. You have to know that. Does that help, Michael?

That helps. Thank you. Excquisite. Thank you. Next, please. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Amanda. Thank you, Amanda.

Look, Tuxedo Mask. And, gentlemen, our manager, Amanda, with our debonair cape. Okay. And she's gone. Back into the night. Thank you, Tuxedo Mask. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hi. Hey, are you a fancy moth person or is that just what I'm gathering from the antennae? They're horns. They're horns. Obviously, Travis.

Monroe, you said, can I bring my unicycle into places I've ridden to and set it in a corner while I go about my business? And I mean, my immediate answer is only if you want to walk home, but go on. More details. So my car broke down this week, and my only way to get around is with my unicycle.

Yeah. So I'm wondering if I can bring it in places and, like, ask the cashier here. Do you have a unicycle parking section? I don't. And I don't have a bike lock because I didn't have one before, and I'd have to go out of my way to go right now.

There's no way to secure a unicycle. Yeah, you just screwed it up out. It's so streamlined and steel. Like, oh, ha, let them finish, because the rest of that was asked the cashier to what? To watch it while I get groceries. Well, you know that's unacceptable, right? You know that's not it.

Monroe, you could just, you should just carry it. Because what if there's- Or keep riding it. What if there's a long hallway? You want to be ready for that. You'll be so mad if you see a long hallway and you're like, god damn it. If only I had my unicycle, I could breeze through this.

You could also, oh, here's the move, right? You take it and you look at the cashier and you go, where do you usually keep this? You can at this point, like, unicycle? I have a unicycle. Where is your unicycle? Oh, I thought this was a high class establishment. Can you give me, so are you talking about like grocery shopping?

Is that the kind of thing, experience you're talking about that you ride your unicycle to? Yeah, or can I like take the class and put it in the corner? No, you can't do that. Unless it's clown college. I would say if you go to the grocery store, it's okay if you buy three round objects of similar weight and size. See, but I can't do anything with those.

I mean, you could, as long as you have like a big stick and equally weighted things on either end, you could do that too. I'd watch that all day. Here's what I would say. Oh no, at this point, I immediately poked a hole in my own point, but I'll say it anyway. Who's going to steal a unicycle? Because very few people know how to ride those home,

but I could just pick that shit up. Yeah. I've had one stolen from me before. Really? Yeah. I want to know that story. My parents left the garage open and it disappeared. Wow, but you think it would be easily identified later

as the only other unicycle in town? Yeah. Have you seen someone riding it? That's yours. Yeah. Unless you tape two of them together and you're like, oh, that could be a bicycle. Time for a little frontier justice.

Get it back. Does KC have like a very active unicycle scene? Holy shit, are you fucking kidding me? That was, I thought a goof, but okay, then yeah, apparently it's pretty competitive. Don't ever let that shit out of your sight. It's trying to sound like you could just take someone else's home with you. Yeah.

Does that, does that help? Sounds like the answer is no. No. Just fuse it with your legs and become gizmo duck. Yes. We can't keep giving that answer. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Sam, the person that asked the gogurt question initially, asked if they could have a gogurt, if they could have one. So I'll just leave one. Did you have one? Did you eat one yet? I did.

I'm actually like savoring it. I'm kind of having a good time just in eating goat, in fact. Actually, Sam, never mind. These are our gogurt. So I'm really sorry. Yeah. Gabriela, hello. Hi.

You sent many sentences, which we frown upon, and now we will shame you publicly. No, they were good sentences though. Basically, there's a fish tank pickup you're looking to make with baggage. Yes. Go on. So I grew up with fish, and I really want a fish tank. In the sea?

I wish. Is this like a raise by wolves scenario, or? It's a reverse limp it. Okay, we got a reverse limp tonight. We got to make a good impression. So I really want a fish tank, but I'm kind of lazy and cheap, so I'm not going to put in the money or the effort to actually do it myself. Sounds fantastic.

Yeah, it's a lot of work. Sounds like another amazing. Home for fish is in the works. Listen, I would take great care of them. Yeah, I'm sure. No doubt. So my brother is giving his away. The only issue is I have to take the fish that he is giving away as well,

and I really don't want them, and I don't know what to do with them. I would rather just pick my own cool fish. Yeah, his fish suck. They suck, and I don't know like. They're real, they're real betas. Yeah. Proud of you. Is the problem that they are not good kinds of fish,

or that the fish themselves have bad attitudes? Bad attitudes, isn't it? Yeah. What are we talking about? What kind of fish? They are sucker fish. Sucker fish? Wait, hold on.

They're, those are, those are nice. They keep the tank clean. But like, we're not here to critique Gabriel's cases of fish. Right. Well, kind of. What kind of fish are you looking to get? What kind of cool fish? I love like mollies.

Yeah. Guppies. Yeah. Not a sucker. Why do I have to be here for this? Come on, Gabriella. Is your brother, if you can throw your brother's fish in the toilet, you can. I am.

I asked if I can flush them down the toilet. You can't flush them down the toilet. You can put them in a pond or some shit. Don't do that. Don't do that with sucker fish. They grow so big. Yeah. They will ruin whatever you put them in.

So like, what do I do? Do I give them to a pet store? Oh, no. Do I try to sell them on Craigslist? I'm woefully unqualified to answer this question. I'm realizing this is the real stakes. There are real fish stalls on the line here. I can't just blow them.

You should take them to a fish store and give them to them. See if you can trade them for better fish. I'll give you four sucker fish for two mollies. Undercut people as they come in to buy fish. Like, don't waste money on these department store fish. That's good. I got some, some boys need a home right here. These are farm to tank fish right here.

Yeah. Hey, listen. Buy my brother's idiot fish. It's either the, it's either you or the toilet, friend. What do you think you taking home these beautiful fish today? Does that, is that? Is that anything? Is that anything?

It actually is really helpful. I think I might try to trade them. Okay, cool. Yeah. Awesome. Okay. Hello. Hello.

Hi. Tanner? Yes. Hello. Hi. Hi. What's your, I mean, I know kind of what your question is. We considered doing it in the first part of the show,

but then when we saw you send it in for this part of the show, we were like, there's, that's details. We need, we need, I'll just say the sentence. How do I get my boss to stop yelling frog bar at me? Okay. So there's a bit of history to this. Fucking, of course there is Tanner. So I'm in a design course in which one of our projects

was to create a hypothetical business. Yeah. In which we were going to design like advertisements and social media for. Right. So we initially thought about cat cafe, but someone mentioned something about frogs and we decided to make a frog bar.

Okay. My design teacher is married to my boss. We presented the project. She loved it so much. She kept telling my boss about it. Okay. And now every time my boss sees me, he'll be like, hey, frog bar.

Yeah. Is it possible your boss has forgotten your name? But remembers the kick ass frog bar idea. Cause I'll remember frog bar for the row. I'll be on my death bed like frog bar. Right. But what does it mean? Hey, what's a frog bar, Tanner?

No, wait, don't answer right away. Cause I want to guess. Give us a second. Okay. Here's what it could be. Okay. Obviously it's a frog theme bar. Yeah.

Better answer. We had like their senior frogs. There's frog land USA and Ironton, Ohio. Those are the two. Right. So other answer is it's a place where you can go and really be a frog. Sorry. How do you figure?

Well, you know how you're looking around and you're like, frogs got it good. You know, they just sit around all day. Oh, it's like a, it's like a farp. It's like a frog action role play. Yes. Okay. It could be a farp.

It could be a bar where they serve different kinds of delicious frogs in different prepared, different styles. No, Tanner's saying no to that one. It's not that. Okay. I know that's the wrong. Listen, in Princess and the Frog, the animated feature film, I think we can all agree the curves you, they gave those frogs are out of this world.

And I don't have a follow-up to that. It's just something I wanted to say out loud in front of an audience of friends. Those were, those were some filfs. Filfs, absolutely not. Tanner, free us. What's a frog bar? So mostly it's just a frog themed bar, but we did hypothetically create like a side room where you could play with frogs if you were a little extra.

Yeah, like a cat cafe. We have several, we have several tiers of interactivity. If you've got the money, we've got the frogs, baby. The more you pay, the more stuff they'll do. Well, you want to vet people before you want to know the frogs. You wouldn't believe. Okay. You're not a cop, right?

Okay. Hey, you want to tell us if you're a cop? What, Tanner, what, what, you had to come up with a better bar idea than frog bar. This obviously, that's not the, the quality of frog bar is not the fucking problem. No, what I'm saying is Tanner has a better something that is stickier than frog bar for the boss. Which it sounds like very little would be. Yeah.

I got nothing. Tanner, you got to open frog bar, Tanner. Yeah. Tanner, just make your dream come true. Yeah. If you make frog bar, then you don't have to see your boss. And he, oh, there's good. Yeah.

Open frog bar and then you have a new boss. It's you, right? And you can hang a sign. You can hang a sign on the outside of frog bar with a picture of your boss on it that says, like, this boss is not allowed inside of frog bar. This guy's a real frog pro bar. You don't go to frog bar, right? Oh, Tanner, there's a huge audience for frog bar.

Does that help? Sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. We just changed your life is all golly. God, it's like Tony Robbins is up here all of a sudden. We're in fire.

They said not shitty. All right. Yeah. Anybody else? Jenny, last audience question. Hello, Jenny. Hi. How's it going?

Jenny, the question you sent in is, I'm living in someone's attic and don't know the etiquette of bringing home a suitor, Teehee. The Teehee really sold it, by the way. Now, right off the bat, I have one question. The person knows you're living in the attic, right? Yeah. This isn't like a parasite situation. No, fantastic.

Not quite. Okay. So she... Not quite. No, she knows I live there. Okay. I pay her rent. Okay.

She owns the home. Okay. It's an old home. I don't know. I feel like you can hear everything there. She has a child. When you enter... No, hold on.

Can you say that last part again, but louder, for the audience at home? She has an eight-year-old child. Eight years old. Okay. So they know... These kids today. They have the internet. Okay.

Now, is it the kind of thing where, in order to get to your attic abode, you have to go through the house? Yes. Okay. So there's no way of bringing... There's not like a ladder that you can slam up through the window, like Sam from Clarissa explains it all. Jenny, I hate to bring down the mood,

but you really should have a fire ladder if you're living in the attic. Yeah. In case of emergency. Do you have an egress? You need to make a swift egress. Some way to get out? I don't. Jenny, you need to figure that shit out.

Yeah, Jenny, actually. I know that you love sex and stuff, but this is really... This is really... Especially, Jenny, I don't want to... If you're lighting candles or sitting in the mood in a new way like Don, like putting some silk over a lamp or something, that's so dangerous. So Sam wants to get a big fire escape ladder.

Huge. Something that unrolls in preferably seconds. Would be great. And you should probably talk to your friend that owns the place about your escape plan and the numbers that you would call it. And where the meeting place is. And if you want to establish a code word... Okay.

A code word would be great. Okay. And that's also good to set up a code word with suitors. Yes. Don't make it the same code word for the logon. Is this... Has your... Has the homeowner said something about this before?

Is this a problem that has been brought to you? No. Okay. I have only lived in Kansas City for six months. Okay. Okay, that's a weird... That's a weird way. Yeah, that's a great period of time to live in Kansas City.

It's fun. October for life. Go on. I haven't ever brought anybody over because I'm very nervous. Yeah. Yeah. I understand that. And the only...

I mean, okay. I don't know how to say this. You don't have to, Jenny. That's never stopped us before we just go for it. She hasn't known that I've been there before and she has brought over a man. And the entire house shakes. This isn't my issue. Wait.

First of all... No way. I haven't... Hell, yeah. Get it. Landlord. Yeah. Go for it.

What? So it's... My hearing's bad. What did you say? You heard me. I'm going to make you... I didn't. All right, Justin.

Jenny said that the landlord brought over a suitor and when they... Take it to downtown. The entire house shook. Whoa. All right. Nice. So you actually have nothing to worry about, I guess? A precedent has been set.

The problem with... They say something the next day. Just be like, I thought we got Rochi in here judging from your machinations. I thought... Also, can we get someone to come in and look at the joists, I guess? Something is seriously wrong. Nothing sexy about structural collapse. You don't want to be found that way and I know that helps, right?

Jenny, we've saved your life twice today. I think that's pretty good. Yeah. Thank you, Jenny. And thank you. If we could... The house lights, if we could dim the house lights, make them go away. They're beautiful, but they make me nervous.

Thank you. Thank you. There they go. Thank you. And thank you so much for coming. This has been so fun. Yeah. You all are really, really fun people.

Thank you to Paul Sabore, Amanda Freeberg. Thank you to Rachel for recording the show. Thank you to the staff of the Midland Theater. Yeah, it's amazing. Thank you to the incredible, incredible Shmanners. Yeah. Incredible to the show. Did you thank our dad?

Thanks, dad. Thanks, dad. My Goldie's Guide. You can get Goldie's Guide with Gryffindor. You can get Goldie's Guide with Gryffindor, hit under the table in shame. Linktree. I'm scared the... He keeps putting it up in front of us.

Like it's... That is true. Linktree, L-I-N-K-T-R-DOT-E-E slash Goldie's Guide. Pre-order it. My kids have been reading it obsessively. Yes. You will... It is a delight.

It's filled with dark twists and turns. It's no dark twists or turns. It is not. Well, thank you to Montaigne for these, our theme song, My Life Is Better With You. Anything else? Anything... Oh, we need to end the show with our classic bit.

Yes, impressions. This is our classic bit, celebrity impressions. Thanks, Paul. Yeah, I asked... I'm also curious about L-I. Nicholas Cage. Let's get some go-k-k. My name's Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. Kids, your dad's square on the lips. It's better with you.