My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 621: Face 2 Face: That’s Not My Orb

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

It’s our show from mountainous Salt Lake City, UT, which we had to run through at a clip so that we could get our dear audience member to Olive Garden before it closed. We understand priorities.Suggested talking points: Damien Iceblayde, Grandpa Dan Goes to Taco Bell, Cars Is Big Scooters, Unexpected Surprise Milk, Fine Art and Green Candy, Skanking is Discouraged in the O.R.Center for Reproductive Rights: https://reproductiverights.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts. And their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert. But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed. It's wrapped into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like life. It's better, it's better with you. My life, it's better, it's better with you.

This is true, it's better, it's better with you. My life, it's better with you. Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm secret agent Damien Ice. I'm secret agent Damien Iceblade.

It's Griffin's first time wearing a tuxedo. Who, who the fuck is Griffin? Damien Iceblade, secret agent, government agent for the spy one. Wait, Iceblade of the Nantucket Iceblades? Yes. I heard you were fired in disgrace for playing by your own rules. But they needed me when the terrorists did a, did a, did a disease. Good luck picking something that isn't happening in the real world now.

It's a, it's a small, it's a narrow window, small sliver. And who knows when this will air by the time this episode goes out. They knew about the Jell-O disaster. How could they joke about it? Bring them in, bring them in. They knew too much already. I hate this. You hate what?

Being fancy and dressed up? I miss my tuxedo t-shirt for so many reasons. Which being that it breathes quite a bit better than my current attire. Okay. But hey, you're the one who after Fox was like, I'm sick of being the non-sloppy. Yeah, I want to be the non-sloppy boy. Everyone knows me as the sloppy one. No, no, no.

Yeah. No, it seemed like a great idea at the time. Okay. Hey, do you all want to hear, as long as you're here, do you want to hear a story? Is this about how the elephant got its tail? No. Griffin, are you going to leave the sunglasses on for the whole time? Probably, yeah.

Although this is fucked up, I can see my own eyeballs because of the lights. I'm going to spend this entire show delivering all my incredible jokes to myself point blank. Now, Griffin, you mean you can see the reflection of your own eyeballs, right? I don't even know anymore. It might be Damien. I think he wants out. Did you make a deal with Conchu? Because this could be a problem.

I want to hear Justin's incredible story. You all know my grandpa Dan. He's Sidney's grandfather on her dad's side. He went to Auburn. Okay. He's a southern fellow and kind of talks like this when I do an impression of him. It's more the essence of Grandpa Dan. The story starts off that he had a fall and he's so old that he couldn't get up from it.

Why are you laughing at that? That's so mean. We're not to the funny part yet. Still laughing? You monsters. So he fell over. He fell and he couldn't get up. He fell and he couldn't get up or get to the phone or call anybody.

Eventually, we went over any bed and we had to take him to the hospital and we thought... Pretty funny, huh? Yeah. Pretty funny stuff. Shucklebusters. Keep it going. Let me get past this part, okay? Yeah.

No, please, Justin. You saw it. No, Justin. They're relishing it. They're loving this. They're going to have to go to the hospital now to have their side stitched up. He thought he was going to die. Yeah.

Because he's old. He's not... He did it, which is... Which is not the story, but it is important to know that Grandpa Dan has been a reserved man his whole life and he's never done a lot of stuff that you've done, like, for instance, go to Taco Bell. So my 88-year-old Grandpa Dan this week went to Taco Bell for the first time in his life. Now, is this...

Are we calling this like a backdoor munch squad light? No, it's not. Okay. I mean, it is important to remember that brand eating affects all of us in different ways. Right. Sure, yeah. So Grandpa Dan goes to Taco Bell. That's my favorite children's book, by the way.

Grandpa Dan goes to Taco Bell and as he related the story, he said, I looked at the menu and I just... I had no idea what to order. It's overwhelming. So I got a taco. He got... It could be worse. He could have ordered a bell.

He got a taco with beef and lettuce and he said he was not impressed. No. You've really tied Taco Bell's hands behind its back. Not only that, but I love that no one had told Dan up to that point if your expectation is to be impressed. Well, no, you're not going to be impressed with a crunchy hardshell taco and beef and lettuce. No.

So Tommy got on his case, that's Sidney's dad, and said, oh, you should have let me take you because Tommy's got a whole thing, right? He's banging out a customized crunch wrap with beans and nacho cheese on there and like a quesarito and stuff like that. And I was telling Sidney, he can't do that. No. You can't jump 40 years of Taco Bell evolution. There's got to be a middle ground there.

You're handing a caveman a swift or wet jet at that point. He can't contextualize what are fours, you know, like he can't contextualize a swift or wet jet in much the same way that if you hand that man a naked chicken chalupa. No way. He's down on the ground again back in the hospital. But we are going to make a return trip to Taco Bell with Grandpa Dan. My plan is just to get him one thing from each decade so we can ease him into the naked chicken chalupa quesarito supreme.

Can you imagine sitting down and doing like the Munch Squad about the giant cheese at Tostada to Grandpa Dan? Oh my God. Where he's like, wait, did I die and wake up in an alternate universe? Is that what's happening here? I mean, I don't know. I mean, I just, the lack of cheese on there is really fucking with me, honestly. Yeah, right?

It is. He didn't want to go that far outside of his comfort zone. Anyway. Cheese? I don't know. I don't know. So this is an advice show. Grandpa Dan had asked for my advice about Taco Bell.

I'm sure I would have been very helpful to him, but I was not consulted. Did he not do cinnamon twists? Because that's like the best thing at Taco Bell. They still got that, right? Yeah. He did not get cinnamon twists. No. He got a crunchy taco.

I am. And he went crunchy too. I'm busting up over here. I'm trying to move on to the advice portion in Travis. I never talked to Justin. I want to know what's going on. Yeah. It is nice to catch up at these live events.

I'm also waiting for Justin's iPad to link to his phone so you can get Wi-Fi. Yeah. You guys vamp for a second. I was trying to. I can read the first question here, if you'd like, because I loaded it up backstage where the Wi-Fi is so nice. Swimming in it. You can feel it in the air, in the green room.

Oh, no, I got it. Will I have... This is a brief one. Will I have time to go to Olive Garden after your show today? And that's from Us Something in Salt Lake. Are you here? Are you? Wait, no.

This is a very important one. Are you here? Yeah. I think I heard a, yeah, okay. It's possible that they didn't come because they're priorities or... They Googled it and they're like, I'm not making it to Olive Garden if I go to that show. Now, okay, so I pulled the questions and I realized something now that I didn't realize

then. And I can assume what you meant, but I realized now that you just wrote, like, can you go to Olive Garden after the show? Yeah. You can go to Olive Garden anytime. Sure. I don't know that you'll be able to go in and dine there. It might be closed, but if you just want to see it after the show...

But let me, Travis, if you came to my house, they close at 10 p.m., by the way, so that would be... Yeah, you got time. We're going to get you out of here. Yeah. We got a timer going right there. We're going to go rain-pace everyone and get you out of here. It is.

And time to hit the OG. At most, how far are you drive? 3.9 miles away. Okay. We're going to do three on-course though at that time. It's an hour and 45-minute walk. So if you're walking, you're not going out. You need your phones, dude.

13-minute drive. There's trainers outside, though, just into the scooter here. Oh. Yeah, I guess I did. Thanks, Travis. Not in the tuxedo because that would have been too much, says the guy wearing a tiara. When I got it on the app, by the way, I don't do this at home. We don't have scooters.

So I was very swept up in the novelty and it was hot and I went for it. It says on the app, make sure you don't ride on sidewalks. Make sure you stay in the street. Do you want me to fucking die? Do you know how many? Do you know that's where cars is? Because they are. That's cars.

Cars is. Sorry, app. Cars is big scooters. Yeah. Cars. You know how there's two little wheels on a little scooter and no engine but my leg? Imagine if you will. No one's impressed if I if I leave the sidewalk, I lose my competitive advantage.

No one's impressed by a tiny shitty car in the street, but if I zoom someone past. Thank you, Paul. So here's what we're looking at. Here's what we're looking at. We got a diagram of the drive. Here's what I cannot imagine happening in a scooter on a street scenario. How long a drive are we talking there? 15.

15 minutes. Okay. We could get you there one minute before it closes. They ain't kicking you out after that. No. Because if Travis came to my house right before bedtime, I was like, can I have some spaghetti please? Of course I would do it because he is my family.

Now it might be begrudging and it might be begrudging there as well. I might say Griffin. I know it's 9.59 but I need some pasta. I'm carving up for a big race tomorrow like I do. Yeah. Like again and I get that, I get that. And then I would say you got to try this new shit. It's like spaghetti but not wet and it has this crunch to it that'll.

I wouldn't fall for it. Drive you wild. I'm a grown man with a pocket square. I would like to see a car wave a scooter in like no, you go in front of me. Please, please. I'm happy to be behind you. At what? Why would they up the ante?

You just gave me a direction in the app about how to go. And now you're like, you're ready for the big show. And now with that, at the end it says be sure to always wear a helmet. Hey fucko, if I had a helmet I'd have a scooter. Yeah. Like if I had a plan for this, I certainly would have like I'd have the things I need. I don't have the things I need. Because there's something on there that's like, and don't go on the highway.

Yes. And make sure you leave this here and get a car because you shouldn't be doing this. How about another question? I'd love that. Just give me one sec. Did you close? Are you new? It's just that my battery's really low so I'm trying to conserve it for you.

If only you had had a chance today. I had to be ready for the 10 PM show. I'm trying to get that. That's when we bring out the good stuff. All the jokes are the same though, you're not missing anything, don't worry about it. I oftentimes have a deep thirst for milk. And now the question, no. I oftentimes have a deep thirst for milk.

At home this usually isn't a problem. But wait, usually? They might be out of milk. Yeah, at home this usually isn't a problem, but some bar and restaurant waitstaff are taken aback and unsure if they can help quench this desire. The problem is that on more than one occasion the server will come back triumphant or surprised and say that they, quote, found some. Should I be worried about this unexpected surprise milk?

Would not downing the glass be a dishonor upon the hard work they did? That's from Leary Lactose in Las Vegas, are you here? All right. Thanks for making the drive. Says a strong, just calcium-filled woo. So calcified that woo was. I also want to say maybe the reason they're taken aback is if you say something like, I have a deep passion for milk.

Yeah, that's no good. I have an unslakeable thirst for milk. If you can give me some of that beautiful mood juice, please. This is not an issue if you only eat at Dave and Buster's because they got you. Dave and Buster's a lot of milk there. I, they got milk. I had Dave and Buster's milk today. It's very ethical.

They let Dave and Buster watch Netflix and they hook them up to this apparatus. It's got blood in your diet, vitamin D and B. Yeah. They like to watch old boxing documentaries as it withdraws. And they've actually scientifically determined there's more production during the actual fight. Yeah. Yeah.

It's, it is, it is gray. Yeah. Yeah. Don't look directly at it. And you don't drink, don't drink directly at it. No. And it costs 200 tickets. And don't drink Buster's before they mix it with Dave's.

It's, you know what I say, Buster before Dave catch the wave, Dave before Buster, you're feeling Buster. Oh, Dave and Buster. Don't drink that milk. Don't drink that milk. You have to know. You have to know. You have to know.

They worked so hard to bring you that. So? They worked hard. If you didn't want, you don't, you don't put the requirements of that on any other food item that they bring. If only there was some way, like maybe a monetary way that you could have reward someone for their hard work at a restaurant that had nothing to do with you consuming 25-year-old milk.

Everything's all about money. Yeah. If this is the sort of person that throws cash around to fix problems, I don't think they're quite so hung up on what the person thinks of them for ordering milk. Oh, sorry, Justin. You can't be conscientious and rich. No. I'm just saying.

I would say pretty empirically, no. No, yeah. Yeah. I didn't think I'd be able to ride that one too far. Um, could you ask, could you drink some, let me show you what drinking looks like. Could you drink some and say, I gotta be honest with you, this is the best milk I've ever had, and I need you to bring the container so I can always buy this milk, and then you check the date surreptitiously.

Is that our concern? The concern is the date, right? Yeah, you can check the date while you're having a conversation when you're like, oh, how interesting. Current events. It's just, is this Star Wars, the Phantom Menace? I love that flick. This milk is a tie in with Pirates of the Caribbean, the ride, unfathomable.

Um, I mean, I know how it is. I mean, you gotta have your milk. I think you just gotta take your chances. Worst case scenario. No! Milk is like the worst food to say, take your chances on that. Yeah, I need to see it from teat to bucket to, I want Louis Pasteur to be like, you're good.

You're good. You're good. I did this one myself, my man. I guess. I mean, I guess. No, it is the one food, if you say spoiled blank, the answer is, no one's ever like, spoiled potato chips. It's always milk.

Milk is the thing you're most worried about being bad. But expiration dates are made up by the government and they're not real. You're telling me about it, thank you. They're not real. If someone said, I've been saving this yogurt for a special occasion, no, don't act like that. Worst case scenario, you've got some celebratory cheese, no big deal. Sure.

No, worst case scenario, you have some celebratory diarrhea. Sure. That too. Thank you. The neighbors we share a wall with seem to be starting a band. We've never really spoken to them, but we think they sound pretty good and want to let them know we enjoy hearing them. What is the best way to say this to them without sounding creepy or passive aggressive?

That's from nosy noise neighbors in Provo. Are you here? How many of you are there? Wait, hold on, wait, are you here? Okay, thank you. This is a fast one. I have a slam dunk answer for you. Great, that's awesome because I didn't want to get a hand on this ball.

Yeah, this is about moving through these as quickly as possible. So we can get our friend Olive Garden. Change your Wi-Fi network name. Oh, yes. New band next door, love it. I don't know that they can be that long. New band? Cool.

New band, cool. New band, cool. N-U-B-A-N-D, cool. New band, cool would be a good name for a band. Yeah, we did also do C, if you're worried about characters, C, U with an umlaut, L. Yeah, that would save you some serious... That's the same exact number of characters I feel like. Well, the umlaut's not separate.

Oh, yes, fine, fine, fine. That would be cute, but we'll allow it. I don't think you can have an umlaut in the... Because the SSID, I think, would be... You'd have to have an umlaut in there. Anyway... Go over to their phone and write it on the... Love your stuff, by the way.

Hold on. Do you... Are you... Are you sure you want to be the only fan of this band? Because they're in Skunk Works territory right now. They're just playing to try to figure out if it's anything. And I feel like if you come in that early and you're just like, ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm loving it, you are setting up a wild, unrealistic expectation for support.

Like... You could be on a date in your apartment and just you're like, hey, what do you think about this? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Was that anything? You like that? Did that go too hard? I was worried it went too hard.

There's also the possibility that they're just like, noodling and having fun. And you're like, I love this new band. And they're like, I guess we need to... It's not ready yet. I guess we need to start a band now, guys. He's a little presumptuous, right? Like, it's not being played for your enjoyment. What if it's just a guy with weird sneezes?

Or a very, very lonely one-man band. You knock on the door, like, I love your stuff, and he's like, pshh, pshh, pshh, thanks. I'm gonna walk to the kitchen, sadly, now. Pshh, pshh, pshh. That's my impression of what a one-man band sounds like. Thanks. I would, before I would make this leap,

I would need to know what the music of every band in the world sounds like to make sure they're not playing a CD. Oh, my God. I would need to know with 100% certainty this is a new sound, new creation, new band, because I do not want to open up the door and be like, dude, this is fucking sick.

And they're like, it's Crosby Still's National Young. It's John Philip Sousa. What are you? It's John Philip Sousa. Yeah, I guess it's good. How did you get a key? Can I borrow it? Can I borrow your John Philip Sousa CD?

I don't think you need to be... I was streaming it. Can I borrow your computer? I don't think you need to be a student of music to know when someone's laying it down like they're in the studio versus they're in their apartment trying to learn Master of Puppets

because it was on Stranger Things. But you'd be, except Mountain Goats, you know? Yeah. You can't tell the difference. But doing professional band Mountain Goats and just some dudes... Someone plays early Mountain Goats through their wall. You're not gonna know if it's really someone playing guitar

or not. But that's why we like it. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying... You love that scuffed shit. Hear that, John Darnell? We love that scuffed shit. Keep it coming, baby.

You know, he's writing books now. Like, leave some for the rest of us. All right, dude. Dude? Finally, someone's putting him in his place. Somebody's finally putting that stinker, John Darnell, in his place. Another question?

Yeah, please. I'm about to start flight school to become a pilot. Yeah. While this is an exciting step in my career, I have a problem. I am terrified of heights. I have a practice flight coming up and I really don't wanna spend it

slumped down my seat, mortified and scrambling for a barf bag, bad first impression. What are some ways I can overcome this fear and walk into this first flight, cool as a cucumber, showing them I'm super chill about heights and flying around in them that's from my stomach would rather be a train conductor. Are you here?

From Mapleton. Are you here? If that narrows it down. Cause they're a little bit embarrassed that they're trying to be a pilot when they're afraid of heights. Yeah. And they didn't realize it until they heard a stranger

say it out loud. But to be fair, I was thinking about it, right? We all, well, two of us have almost theater degrees. You almost have a theater degree. I have a theater degree. I have a theater degree. I thought you switched to journalism. No, oh, no, I have a minor in journalism

and I use neither. Thank you. I went to this college for five years cause I have failed Spanish. I was able to, before going to college for a theater degree, act in stuff. You know what you don't get to do before going to flight school?

Fly a plane to see if you like it. But you know, they didn't discover the first time they went up in the big, beautiful sky. Like, oh, I hate this. I wish I hadn't picked this as my job forever. I have to assume you have a parent or overbearing grandfather who is a pilot who was like, this is the life for you.

It's unfat, you have, it's other than astronaut, you have picked the most up job that you could possibly have. Yeah. Maybe those people that do those fucking like Red Bull Halo jumps are a little bit higher than you. At least they're like, I'm headed down.

I'm going down. Yeah, I'm going down. I wanna fix this. Also, once they're in the plane, not up to them until you reach that point. Yeah. A pilot, you're just there the whole way. Just up, up, up, up, up.

You can't zone out as far as I know. I don't know why you would try to be, have such an up job. It's a very up job. If you don't like up. Yeah. But I will say this, in a plane,

it's not really like, you're gonna fall, you're not gonna fall out of the plane. In a perfect world. In a perfect world. If you are, if you find yourself falling from a plane, there has been a bigger whoopsy doodle

that has happened. I mean, in that context though, I do want the pilot to be afraid of not being up anymore. Like, yeah, I don't want, I don't want to, that fear is healthy, right? I don't want a pilot who's like,

I don't know man, up, down, it's all the same to me. Yeah. I want you to have a healthy, okay man. Hey, what do you guys want? Let's show our hands. You guys want to up or down?

Up or down. It don't make any difference to yours truly. I'm chill either way. Either way is fine. Who wants to see the stars? I can go further up, I can go further down. You know what I hate?

Radio towers. It's really. Because here's the, what's the number one piece of advice you give someone who's afraid of heights? Don't look down. That is also good advice for a pilot. Keep looking forward.

Because if you're just in the whole flight looking out the window, they have those, right? Yeah, yeah. They probably have a cool name for them. If you look in the wrong direction, you're going reverse. Solly, you're hitting the geese,

you're going down. Yeah. You got to look in front for geese the whole time. But the problem is that Solly was looking in front of him. Solly geese was like, I'm going to get those motherfuckers. You think you're so cool geese?

I'm a plane geese. Get out of my way. Oh yeah, okay. You bet I won't? Okay. They don't talk about that enough for the movie. No, they don't. Tom Hanks is there.

And he's like, I'm a perfect angel. When really that dude was like, oh, fuck these geese up. I lost it bar trivia last night. I'm fucking pissed. What's happening in the movie? I'm going to shred these geese. I need to watch Solly.

Yeah, that's a sick film. You ever seen it? Oh, good. So anyway, let me say that. Can we be serious now? That's my impression of Tom Hanks and Solly. Yeah, honestly, I can say it was really good. Can we be serious?

I can't do it a second time. But the first time I think we can all agree sounded a lot like Thomas Hanks. No arguments here. Is that him? Is that him, Livia? Hey, sorry to interrupt. I just had to,

I got to read this verbatim. I'm sorry. It's like I'm, I'm sorry, I'll just read it verbatim. If your power is a dream, then make the dream take flight. You and square space are gonna make it all right. Just a few clicks and key presses,

all that you need. Whether you're making a good website or a bad website. Hi, Justin McElroy here. Squarespace will let you make good websites. They make it easy to make good websites. Make tools that are simple to use, even if you're not an expert, drag and drop.

Beautiful, easy to make a great website. But what a lot of people won't tell you is that you are allowed to make a bad website with Squarespace. They will not step in and forbid you. They don't make it easy because everything's so beautiful and they have such a great customer support

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So fulfill your dream with Squarespace. Whether your side is good or bad. Head on over to Squarespace.com slash my brother or you'll make me sad. There's a free trial when you're ready to launch use offer code my brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Squarespace.

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I'm Lisa Hannawalt and I'm Emily Heller. Nine years ago, we started a podcast to try and learn something new every episode. Things have gone a little off the rails since then. Tune in to hear about low stakes neighborhood drama, gardening, the sordid nasty underbelly of the horse girl lifestyle, hot sauce, addiction to TV and sweaty takes on celebrity culture

and the weirdest, grossest stuff you can find on wikipedia.org. We'll read all of it no matter how gross. There's something for everyone on our podcast, Baby Geniuses. Hosted by us, two horny adult idiots. Hang out with us as we try and fail to retain any knowledge at all. Every other week on Maximum Fun. Baby Geniuses tells us something we don't know.

This can't be right. A Haunted Doll Watch? I'm trying to do a show. Did you all see that Vulture did a write up about the white wine, about this new drink that I invented? The drink of the summer, you mean? The drink of the summer, they called it. That's not it.

Look it up. All right. Yeah, you already did that bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, today we're going to be kind of zooming in, focusing in on one particular purveyor of Haunted Dolls and that is Haunted Honeys. So this is really a Haunted Honeys watch.

I don't think that's how you spell honeys. Yeah, it is. I'm looking at you baby right now. I mean, that's Haunted Honeys though. Yeah, but it's Haunted Honeys, I'm looking at it. No, but I mean, it might be spelled that way, but I'm just telling you, they spelled it in a different way.

Okay, let's welcome to the stage Stella. All right. Hold on, wait a minute. Is that a promo code at the top? Did that get cut off or is it really fucking 5% off? What do you want? There's slim margins here, pal. I guess so.

This Paranormal Doll, 70s neutral, please read neutral. This doll was part of a paranormal study. You will receive the physical doll. I should hope so. Hey, stop that. This is Stella. She's in her 70s. Oh, she looks great.

Well, her vessel is 16 inches tall. Stella was not very happy with me getting her at first. What? Then why would she be happy when I purchased her on the eBay service? I think once she saw the other spirits here, she realized she'll be okay. Stella passed away in the late 1800s.

She thought, she's how old? Well, she's dead. But how? Oh, so according to the haunted honey, she does not continue to age after that. Correct. She's 70s. Forever.

Yeah. Cool. She thought many times that her life was going to end, then all of a sudden, she would get better. Sure. I bet there was a lot of that in the 18... I bet pretty much everybody in the 1800s had a moment where they were like,

oh, I fell down once. This is it, I guess. Wait, you guys heard about all the diseases? Yeah, I fell down at work and now my arm is green. I guess this is it. Nope, cool. So you've talked to grandpa Dan already. You knew the story, you should have just said something.

I think, okay, Stella had many near-death experiences throughout her life. She lives in a void of paper towels. I don't think a near-death experience is when you think you're gonna beef it, and you're like, ah, everybody's getting better. She was known to be a bit of a careless daredevil in her younger years.

Okay. I can see that. Stella is neutral, but that doesn't mean she's not friendly. No. That neutral rudder is very friendly. Yeah, she's just got somewhat of a temperamental personality. She's like... Then that's not neutral.

She likes things to go her way, lul. She enjoys... Wait, why? Because she, well, doesn't everyone? No, why the lul after that sense? Because she's like sassy, lul. But we're talking about a ghost. She enjoys a spot in the living room

next to the cute decorations. She enjoys judging my company, lul. She works great with any divination tools. She's not really picky over gifts. She likes everything from jewelry to flowers. When you get her, don't forget to give her a gift in light of white candle with some incense to welcome her. I don't wanna be pedantic,

but jewelry to flowers is not a good scale of things. It's all the gifts that there are between jewelry and flowers. I'm sorry, everyone. This is a boring ass doll. Neutral. Well, maybe... I want something spicy. Maybe Jingo will be more dear-liking.

Now, Jingo, I can get into. Welcome to... Yes, baby! Yes, baby! Branded as shit! $35 with 15% off using the code Haunted15. I do believe I will thank you very much. This doll was part of a paranormal study.

You will receive the physical doll. Yes. This is Jingo. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. It's nine inches tall. Wink.

Oh, a little guy. Wait, is there a wink in there? Nope. Jingo is in his mid-20s, except he is dead. He's a friendly little guy. He was sent to me from Canada. The lady that had him felt he may be negative. She sent me photos and videos of him,

and I assured him he's positive, but she wanted him gone. Did they do your butt backwards, Jingo? Maybe his butt was not backwards when Jingo was hit walking along the side of the road. Jesus. He was hit so hard. His butt.

His butt was not... Switch sides with his privacy. We've all been there. That was my favorite Grey's Anatomy episode. We can save you, but your butt's always gonna be on the front. It's okay. I still love you.

And nothing but... I still love you. Dr. McPoop's weird. I think it's gonna be okay. I really believe that Jingo was a photographer. Does Jingo sit on the toilet like a cool teacher? When I did his reading... We've had a lot of fun the other day,

but you know it's not done. But I buzzed his doll poop. When I did his reading, I got a vision of him walking beside the road with a camera in hand, presumably moments before he was tragically killed, I guess. He's definitely got a very artistic side for a doll.

He gets along great with all others and pets just adore him. I bet they do. He loves... This sentence has never been written before. He loves any type of art as an offering and he also likes green candy. Oh, my two turn-ons?

Easy. Fine art and green candy. When you get in, don't forget to give a gift and some incense to welcome him. I do love how his hair has a natural, wind-slept look. Sure. Such a festive doll. But let's take a moment, if we may,

to meet a new friend. Hold on. Wait for it. Wait. Hold on. Hi, Miguel. Shit. Boy.

Paul. Now, why is Miguel worth $3 more, do you think? This is Miguel. He is a teenager. Griffin, can you just read the four descriptive terms there? Paul, if you'd go back. Paranormal doll, haunted honey's Miguel, M45. Teen, positive, very sweet.

Clingy. That sounds like the description of a relationship. Like, at first, he was a teen and really positive and so sweet. So sweet. But he got a little clingy. Little clingy when college rolled around. This is Miguel.

He's a teenager and his vessel is nine inches tall. Yeah, it is. Finally, finally, this little guy is ready to find his forever home. Every time I would ask him, if he was ready, I would get a strong no. Easy. Please don't sell me, mama.

Please, mama. It's time, Miguel. No, no. So here. This is my forever home. You're ready to find your forever home. I found my forever home. I need $38 for cigarettes.

So this is a challenge. Mama, mama, may I have my turn on the chair? No. Yes, Miguel. This is a challenging sentence. He has seen some of the updates from other spirits that got adopted in their new homes and he's ready. I thought he just said no.

Yeah, but now he's finally ready. And this does. I was on the forums on Reddit. Yeah. That's great. Is your doll on the internet? Are you? Do you have screen time?

Not the internet as we know it. Okay, sort of an ethereal bay. All right. He has seen some updates. He's ready. He's seen some shit. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, he had a tough time in the home I got him from

and that had him scared. What? Well, Miguel passed away in the 1950s. He was a very energetic teen and known to be a daredevil. And when he ate spicy food, he turned into a car. He was a very energetic teen. He was known to be a daredevil. He jumped out the window of the abandoned house

down his street and ended up breaking his neck. Some folks, I'm here to tell you that'll do it every time. I love that version of it's a wonderful life where it's like, I'm gonna buy that house and live in it when we get older and married. He's like, oh yeah? Well, check this shit out. Ooh, crack.

Oh, Mary, you gotta call someone, Mary. I'm actually gonna go. I can't, I got some briars. Joseph, did that man just die? Yes, he did. Jobs off. You're good, Clarence. He went hardcore this time.

One, two, three, and fuck it. So he jumped out the window. He's just a very, such an energetic teen that he is a daredevil. Like, a daredevil is one thing, right? We all know what that means. I don't think it means, hey, check this out. I do think, listen,

you know that stupid abandoned house? Hey, you guys wanna see a dead body? Cool. Wow! One thing, not to be pathetic. I think a daredevil has to at least survive one thing. Sure. You gotta do one thing.

Oh man. So he broke his neck. Look. He was, he was so surprised. Yeah, no, not about that. Not about that. Wait, what? I thought I could stick that shit.

He was surprised to see all the gifts and people who showed up to support and honor him at his funeral. Which like after the dumb shit he pulled, I get it, I guess. I would be surprised if people showed up for me too. Miguel is very sweet. He will bond deeply with anyone who shows him kindness.

He works great with any divination tools. He enjoys going through the home. Great at Adobe. Making little tipping and clacking noises. When you get him home, don't forget to give him a gift and light a white candle with some incense to welcome him. God, light a way.

And I am only reading this in part that's at the end of all the posts because we're coming up on the end of the show here in a little bit, follow Haunted Hunnies on Instagram and TikTok. Thank you, yes. But hey, listen, as some of you who's been by there,

who ducked his head in a little bit earlier today, you better really be sure that you wanna check in a lot on Haunted Hunnies on TikTok. Okay? And don't leave weird comments because I'm tired of people selling dolls, putting notes in the boxes that are like, I checked out your podcast, it was really funny.

And then they have my home address and I don't like that. So please stop talking to the people who sell the dolls, everyone. Anyway, that's our Haunted Doll Watch. Thank you for that. Let's take it to the streets with some live audience questions. We have prepared a list of people

we're going to call you down. Please do not approach the microphone. Oh, bye, Justin. Hello. Yeah, my name's Laurie. I got my sheet here. Hi, Laurie. Hi, Laurie. And my question is,

I wrote a steamy alien romance book. And I need a title for it. Can you give us, yeah, like a paragraph synopsis? Imagine bringing them back and getting all worked up. What sort of the, you know, what's the summation? It's about this girl who gets kidnapped by aliens, well, abducted, I guess, is the right term. Yeah, sure.

That's the term they prefer. Yeah. But you're the writer, of course, and you're a choice that you want to go with. Okay, go ahead. Spin your web. Story master. And then, so, she escapes the aliens and becomes a bounty hunter.

But then she falls in love with an alien who she's supposed to capture and they have a fun time together. Okay, all right. So the first two that occurred to me is Be Me Up Lover and Booty Bounty 2099. Booty Bounty 2099, is that what you're saying? Yeah, okay.

Is it set near 2099? Could it be? Could it be set near 2099? It could be, yeah. It's 77 years from now, are you sure? Hey, Griffin, you can't assume that aliens use the same calendar we do. Yeah, that's fair. Oh, that's so weird.

We're actually on the same month, 77 years different. It's also January. Ken, what about closer encounters? Oh, that's good. I like that one. I like it. Or it could be close encounters of the fourth kind, which is...

Parentheses, which is... Do it. Do it. I love it. What about... Is it regular? What about Probe Me, globular? Is the character's name globular?

It is important to ask. Get your hands on me, you bitch. Is he a big gelatinous sphere that you can climb inside and be transported into a dimension of X... Let me finish! Area 69. And here's the thing, I know I just said it. There's no way that's not taken.

Yeah, it's definitely... What about... No, seriously, welcome to Earth. What about Cocoon 2? Actually, I think it's already a movie. I think they made a second one. Cocoon 3. One of those has got to help, right?

What about Uranus? Call my... am I right? Okay, thank you very much. Thank you. Also, if you use any of those, TMTM. Hello. Hi, I'm Erin. Hi, Erin.

My question is immediately actionable. Yeah, please, please. So, before the show, I was playing with my fidget because I got ADHD, so I got it. You dropped it on your baby. And I did... I have dropped it on my face before. Okay.

I dropped it. It is an orb. It is a crystal orb, and it rolled forward, and I thought I'd never see it again, but I figured I'd toss out into the audience. Who's got the orb? Who's got the orb? Who's got the orb?

Jesus Christ. The orb made it so far! Erin, the orb went... Wait, I'm beginning to get back! Erin, where were you sitting? The very back! The very back? That little orb, it was like the fucking tourists go feathering.

I have the beach ball stuff. Raise your hand if something bumped your foot during the show. Now, hold on. Now, hold on. I have so many questions. The voyage of the water! Have you approached the microphone? Please, I need to know the story of the person

who a orb rolled up to your feet, and you were like, hmm, free orb. No, but wouldn't this be wild if it's a different orb? No, that's not mine. That's a different orb. Is that the correct orb? It is the correct orb.

It's the right orb. We got the orb back in Erin's hands. Hey, big cheer! You love to see it. I love it. We need to do more of those. By the way, we've never done lost and found audience questions.

I love that. You know what I like? No jokes required. And it does something good. Okay, next up. Hello, approach the microphone. Welcome, welcome. Hi, my name is Kaylee.

Hi, Kaylee. Me and my fiance are getting married next year, and he's pretty insistent that we cut our wedding cake with a sword. Yeah, hey, yeah. You don't like, okay. And I keep trying to tell him no. Why?

Yeah, I agree, agree. No, Kaylee needs our support right now. Okay, it seems great. Here's the problem, right? No, was that the rest of the question? Sorry, Kaylee. Oh yeah, how do I tell him no? It actually listens.

You cut, think about it, folks. You cut the cake with the sword once. Great. But you gotta cut a lot of slices of cake. And eventually you're just sitting there with a sword like a stufas cutting small slices of the sword and you look ridiculous. I will say, at mine and Rachel's wedding,

it was like 20 degrees outside. And we could not get through our cake. And had I known in the moment that having a fucking Hattori Hanzo steel was an option, I would have taken it. Now, I'm getting, this isn't funny, but have a groom's cake that your groom can cut with a sword.

You can fuck up like a groom's cake. You're gonna wanna have two? Like you do at a one year old's birthday party, you know? Yes. This was just for him, everybody. Let him have his fun. Yeah. One cool thing that you could do is say absolutely.

And then when he rears back and he's like swings forward, you pull out a short sword, block him. Hell yeah, dude. No, wait. Okay. I'm a mortal, I have inside me blood of kings. And then long eye contact, not today. And then that's first dance right there, baby.

Yeah, I don't know what happens after that. Maybe I'll sword fight or get hurt or something. He throws sand in his eyes. Yeah, that's good. No, no. Icing sugar. Icing sugar. And then you grappling hook onto the roof.

And then you run away. You stab him, you cut his head off. Wait, at a certain point, your stunt doubles have taken over. It's wrong. Yeah, you're not doing anymore. This is all CG. Yeah, I suppose.

Do you have the budget to motion capture your... Does your fiance know how to use a sword? Not yet, no. Okay, so let me tell you. It's not as easy as I make it look in the movies. He's just saying that. And I know what you're saying. Are you here, fiance?

Yeah. Okay, I know you're thinking big knife. It's different. Now listen, it's not gonna be, listen. No, no, no. Here we see Queen Elizabeth cutting a cake with a saber. I believe the wrong one. Yeah, the wrong one.

Yeah, hey guys, hey guys. Can I actually look so she's pointing to a part of the cake with it right about here? Can we not, can we not actually the Queen of England cutting a cake with a sword? I bet she probably does if she's doing it right, do you? Now, Justin, I'm sorry, but nothing about the Queen's face here is,

I know what I'm doing. Step back, idiots. The guy in the pink stripe tie in the background, is everyone like, can you believe this? Can I say, okay, real quick about this guy. The Queen of England is cutting a cake with a sword. Fucking Santa beckoned, check that shit out, man. How are you sitting there like,

oh, this happens to me constantly. No, okay, that guy is so thrilled. That person has been big from a 12 year old child to that age. Anyway, so sorry, Kayleigh, but I do need to ask, do you think Queen Elizabeth has eaten Taco Bell before? No, probably not, right? No, probably not. What do you think she'd go with?

Oh, if she did? Yeah, yeah. The Crunchwraps Supreme. For sure. Can I tell you? No joke, that was right there in my part. Kayleigh, has anything we've done today helped? Yeah.

Okay, thank you. Thank you, Kayleigh. Thank you, Kayleigh. Congratulations to everything. Congrats. We need to wrap up soon if they're gonna get to Olive Garden. Yes, Charles, make it snappy. Okay, I'm Charles, he, him.

Hi, Charles. How do I get my surgical instructor not to fail me after I made her listen to Ska for the entire duration of a seven hour surgery? Now, oh wait, Charles, here's my question. Sure. Have they expressed to you frustration about this? Like four hours in, they looked at me and were kind of like...

Four out, they made it four fucking hours, huh, Charles? It kind of plays low in the background because they don't want it to be distracting, but like at a particularly long trumpet solo, they looked at me and were like, this is interesting. Yeah, sure. Now, hold on, Charles, hold on. You all have, is it possible, real quick,

I need to know if this is a universal experience. Have you ever played music for like a gathering or a group of people or just one person? And you get to a point in the music where you're like, they're not going to like this. Yes, I'm seeing a lot of nodding like, oh man, this is really grating. I really wish this would sink back into the background.

I feel really worried about this now. I want to quit. Can I quit? Charles, Charles, someone while you're performing surgery saying, well, this is interesting, is it possible it was not music related at all? What were you doing in that moment with your hands? I was just standing there holding the retractor

uncomfortably sweating because I'd- How uncomfortably? Wait, wait, wait, wait, sorry, sorry. Were you skanking it while you were holding the retractor? Because that will, that is no good, my friend. That goes right against that Hippocratic. The Hippocratic though should say, do no harm. And also, when someone is open,

don't skank it right next to them. Skanking is generally discouraged in your- You're kind of a loose cannon surgeon who skah, powers you through. Yeah, have you ever had a knock on wood? What's great is there could be like a, I don't know much about medicine, but like a aortic. I know less about skah.

Yeah, right. But an aorta explodes while you're doing heart surgery and it's like the pressure is on and then you can just look at the like commanding surgeon, officer, and speck, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. This man needs mouth to mouth. As you trombone it to his-

Trombone in his mouth, yeah. Trombone into my mouth is- That's a good name for your book. If you can have an alien. Sure. I ate trombone. From the creators of call me by your name. Charles, I've lost the plot.

How can we help here? Hey, go to your commanding surgical officer, as Griffin has said. As Griffin has said, yep. Did you know Oscar Isaac was in a skah band before he became famous? You're gonna change the story. Everything, sure.

He was in the blinking underdogs, this is true. I'm just a big fan, their music rules. Yeah, sure. What are some of your favorite skah bands, everyone in the room? Did they pull through? The surgery went great. Great.

You can't say, oh yeah, like it's obvious. From what I understand- With Charles behind- It was seven hours long. Charles was behind the retractor, of course it went smooth. Yeah, sure, nothing detracted when it wasn't supposed to.

Did the patient wake up and was like, what the fuck was that? Cause I loved it. You had my brain open and I got that shit without the radiation shielding of my skull and skin. And you're not supposed to. I will say I followed up on them

for the past several days and they have seemed pretty chill. Okay. Wait, the patient? Yeah, yeah. Nailed it. Yeah, I mean, you crushed it. Did that happen?

You know what it sounds like now? You gotta write a paper about skah, my man. Yeah. The power of skah. Don't research it anymore, you have all the evidence you need. You did it. Does that help, Charles?

Yes, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Goodbye. Thank you. I don't know, Salt Lake City has, this is our second show here

as my brother and brother made. It is so fun every time. You all get so rowdy and I'm so excited to be here. I'm very, very here for it. Thank you very much, Salt Lake City. Thank you. Thank you. And all the usual thank yous.

Thank you. A huge thank you to Schmanners. Thank you to Paul Saboren of Paul and Storm fame. Thank you to the Abravanel Theater for having us. This is our second show here and it's absolutely gorgeous. Thank you to Tyler Reed for the amazing posters. Yes, grab yourself a poster on your way out if there's still something there.

Thank you to Rachel, yes, for manning the ones and twos over there recording our audios. And sometimes even the threes. Yeah, I know, it got wilds. Clinton McElroy. You all know him? And Carol McElroy, our stepmom Carol is here too

to make sure he doesn't wander into traffic. So it's always nice to have. Oh, thanks to Montaigne. Thanks to Montaigne for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You. Thank you to Matt. Oh, sorry. Listen, if we don't get them out of here in the next minute,

they're gonna knock it to Oliver. So, really? They're just gonna do it, yeah. So, Griff, just real quick, just a quick, real quick impression of Grandpa Dan ordering a naked chit-chalupa taco bell. Easy. Okay, can I have a naked chomp-bing-chicky-chubo?

My name's Justin McElroy. Justin! I'm gonna move back. It's been my brother, my brother, make his your dad square on the lips. It's better with you, it's better with you. My life, oh, it's better, it's better with you. My life, oh, it's better, it's better with you.

This is true, oh, it's better, it's better with you. My life, oh, it's better with you.