My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 63: R.I.P.B.E.P.

Episode Date: July 18, 2011

Do you guys remember the day the music died? We certainly do, because that day was last week, and also because we have super good memories. We're all up on that Ginkgo Biloba tip. suggested talking points: The Meaning of Creed, Dale Carnegie Jr., Skin Adjacent, References, E.E. Cummings Pie, Rumping, The Cat Talk, Sandwich 2.0

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Allstars, I saw the Allstars play. Allstars are baseball, no. Allstars of Chuckles. Chuckles stars? Justin, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I know that we- You're in the middle of this home run?

We try to have a good time at the beginning of the podcast, but I have something really serious to talk about, and I think it's going to affect everyone pretty strongly. Brace yourselves. The Black Eyed Peas have announced they're taking a break. What? What? The Black Eyed Peas are breaking up. I mean, I heard the words you said, but they didn't. Like, something's that terrible. I can't comprehend it with my brain. Yep, so we're going to have to say goodbye to Fergie, Will I Am, etc.

Apple the App, please. Proust was right. You guys, God is dead. I'm not sure that I can- I want to pitch this to you guys right here and right now. I don't think I can do a podcast today that isn't about this national tragedy. This is so weird because I'm on Facebook right now, and as you said that to me, simultaneously all the parties that I was invited to got canceled. That's weird. That's odd.

I'm only going to get it started. It looks like every football and hockey game also could put- I had a beat that I was holding that I was expecting to drop, and it has not happened. The beat has not dropped to my knowledge. I'm still holding it loft. Does Will I Am have to change his name to Will he was? I don't know why them- I don't know why them breaking up with Will I Am no more. Would change his status as Will. Will he is, and may again in like two to three years after we eat-

Oh, how dope is that reunion show? Ah, people in the place, you're going to get down again. So fucking sick. It's going to be ironic by that point, and then it's going to be double good. I just really wish I could have been there at the meeting when Fergie was like, you know, I think we should break up so I can pursue some other things, and Will I Am was like, yeah, me too, you know, my solo career started, and the other guy's like, yeah, we're working on a lot of big stuff too.

I believe you mean Applebee app and Pogo is the other one. I think it's Ghostboy. Ghostboy? I think it's Ghostdog, the samurai. I think it's Pringles. I think they just call him Pringles is his name. Hey, Pringles, could you go get us some more snacks? That is how he developed the moniker, because what else is he fucking doing?

Dropping jams? Nope, that's Will I Am. He and his pants on stage? Nope, that's the other one. Transmorphing into Ferguson for no clear sense at all? Nope. That's Margie. She has a lock on that market.

My brother, my brother and me, it's an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McRoy. I'm your middle brother, Travis McRoy. And I'm Griffin McRoy, the youngest brother of them. We're all pretty heartbroken. I don't know how we can go on. I am actually sitting here having trouble imagining a fabric of our universe where the Black Eyed Peas have not permeated every inch of it.

Who's got the cocaine habit, you think? Who's really? Probably Pringles. Probably Pringles. Yeah, you're probably right. That was probably a double. He's just snorting cheese. Because I mean, when everybody thinks of the Black Eyed Peas,

they always think of that guy's boundless energy. Let's be honest, though. If it was him, the announcement wouldn't be, we're taking a break. The announcement would be, bye Pringles. Pringles out the bay. Bye first, Pringles too. We're really going to miss you. Or maybe we'll replace him, but no one will notice.

Advice show for the modern era where we take your questions and turn them into wisdom. Let's get right into it. Well, I mean, I think, actually, I think the window for getting right into it. We're about six minutes into it already. Let's get currently into it. My first child is due on July 12th. I am in search of the perfect phrase to welcome my son into the world. How about sorry I'm six days late?

Happy belated life that you have now. You're welcome. I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you for a week, my newborn son. Well, I mean, welcome to IRF. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's it. But can we do a runner up? So that we can keep this question going.

Well, that song that sounds specific says you have to be carefully taught to hate and fear. So you should probably get cracking on that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got to tell them which groups he needs to be afraid of and loathe for their, you know, how they, you know, butterside up or butterside down skin color. Is get a job too direct. Get a job, baby.

How lucky is this? And now this isn't even luck. It's sad. This this child is the last of the Black Eyed Peas generation. Sort of like how John Lennon died a month to the day after I was born. This is similar, don't you think? It's like I think this is basically exactly the same. This is worse.

I would rather every beetle be killed. That's true because John Lennon died. It was just John Lennon dying with the Black Eyed Peas dying. It's music. Someone look at Dr. Pepper sponsorships and etc. Music is debt. Do you remember the day the music died? I did.

I was listening to my brother and my brother and me and they announced that the Black Eyed Peas split up. Are we breaking the story? Yeah, this is it. Oh, God, I'm sorry that your baby is first my brother and my brother and me. And I assume they're listening. Has to be such a downer, such a downtrodden, brokenhearted podcast. What else can expecting in Seattle say to welcome the child to the world?

What about Hakuna Matata? That's good. That's a good one. I think we love that shit. You could you could decry him for his tardiness if he's late. Be like, what took you so long? Did you get lost in the in the urethra? I still why the fuck every time we talk about childbirth,

I think the urethra is something is a necessary component in that mix. At least you're correcting yourself. You could be straight up with him and to to avoid like any surprises for him and to say, hey, I hope you're prepared to not be cool for like the next 18 years. Yeah, you're going to turn it around though. Yeah, at 18, you're going to enjoy your baby. But first, can you say, do something funny? Do a trick.

Do a trick. You could start prepping him for toddlers and tiaras like right off the bat. You will be named Brock and he will be fabulous. Now start pumping iron. Start pumping iron. You will be the strongest, baby. What about, hey, baby, thanks for ruining one of my favorite spots. This is good because because you later you will regret not having said it to him

back before he could comprehend speech. You can't say to him when you're seven. That's going to jack his scene, but at least you'll get it off your chest. Hey, baby, you ruined that was like my vacation destination. And you you have done muddy those waters. And now I can't can't go back. You can never go back. You know, a lot of women literally do muddy the waters.

It's not a lot of people don't talk about it. It's pretty embarrassing. But they listen to muddy waters. So they aren't childish. Yeah, sure. That's what I'm going with. Yeah, that's probably best. Just cover your ears and scream and make the pain go away.

I there's got to be some good in there, right? Maybe just play this episode for him. I bet at least one of the things is a thing he could say to a baby. How about can you say get that placenta off of you and we'll talk like look at yourself. Look at yourself right now. You're a fucking joke. What are you? I love you so much.

You changed my life. You're all you're my whole life now. But seriously, get that. Listen, I can't touch you covered and put that. What is that even? Baby, thanks. Thanks to you. I understand so many more Creed songs.

Thank you, baby, for this insight. Can you just gently sing to him arms wide open when he comes out? Baby, and make sure you're doing your Scott Saffin pressure. Now Travis, what would that sound like? Well, I just heard the news today. You sound like a drunk, sleepy Neil Diamond. You sound like a man who's having infrequent, periodic, painful bowel movement. When was the last time you heard Scott Stapp?

That's not funny. Scott Stapp has terrible IBS. Scott Stapp has terrible everything. Did you hear the black high piece are going back on a tour? Yeah, they replaced Pringles with Scott Stapp. It's a really weird fit. What's the appropriate polite response when a friend of a friend asks, have we met before?

When you know for a fact that you have, you don't want to embarrass them by recounting the details of your first introduction, but you don't want to seem like you've never registered them either. Meet up in Manhattan is who that's from. Why don't why don't you want to do that second thing? If they're not bringing the effort to register you and their memory banks and their friend database, then what's wrong with you also acting like that? I see.

I completely disagree. I don't think you could be more off base here, Griffin. I personally believe that if you've got the opportunity to embarrass someone. Yes, to get the upper hand. Yeah, sure. It's all about power plays. Yeah, make the power play play. Oh, yeah, of course.

We did this and this and I bought you that drink and you loved it. We laughed about. I agree. And here's why. If they have the balls to ask the question, have we met before? I think that's in the same category of you don't remember me, do you? Have we met before? I hate that one.

Have we met before implies I can't be bothered to try to remember you, so you just tell me how I know you. Like it's putting you in the awkward position of having to confirm or deny, because what if the answer was no? It's like, no, you don't know me now. This is weird. Like who asked that question? Can you further bust it out, flip it and reverse it and just be like, yeah, we fucked.

And then see what they do. Yeah, this is but I'm like a 65 year old dude. And it's like, I know, I know. That's why it was so tender and real. We start for like six months. This is our daughter to Banga. Why don't you remember her? She has your eyes and your way with words.

When she was born, I told her welcome to IRF, and I told her tenderly about the Black Eyed Bees breakup and look at her. She still has dark eye. Stop screaming. And you can't stop screaming since. Can we all just be cool? Yeah, can we just chill out? Like I I'm so I can't joke about this question because I do this constantly

because I forget every person that is not related to me or I don't live with. Like if I don't see your face like two to three hours every day, you're gone from my brain because I got I got so little space up there and I have to save it for like the Pokedex and like Everclear song lyrics. So I don't think the problem is not remembering. I think it's asking the question like I don't care if you don't. Yeah, but it bothers me because I I have enough flash memory up there that I can kind of remember like how he knows and a mouth go together

and say hey buddy a lot and you're like, hey man, what's going on? Oh, that's so disingenuous. I want to know because maybe I will live with that person. You might want to live with them. So I might maybe you don't rule it out. This is one of those do as we say not as we do type situations because if you can remember someone's name, that's that's a huge end with them. That's always like the best the best thing you can do.

If you learn how to do that, let me know. It helps to use it a lot. That's everybody's you know, Dale Carnegie says the everybody's favorite sound in any language is the sound of their own name being said. And and so if you use it a lot in conversation, then a they're going to like it. B you're going to remember it next time. You're going to have to bring some new Carnegie to the table because we already dropped that shit on them with that Jeffrey bit.

Remember our Jeffrey goof? That was a hundred years ago. We've done Carnegie that one out. That was over a year over one calendar year ago. I know. And if if pearls of wisdom go out of style, then this is a reboot. We're rebooting this franchise. This is a relaunch.

This isn't Dale Carnegie. This is the Dale Carnegie. This is the sequel. The revamp Dale Carnegie, Jr. The race. So yeah, try to just try to match their level wherever their whatever level of remembrance they're at. That's what's going to make them most comfortable.

And I know it's dishonest, but hi. Welcome to all social interaction ever, ever, ever. Yep. Because if you're we're all being honest, here's how that conversation go. I'll give a shit about you. I don't give a shit about you either. I clearly didn't care enough to register the first time. I do not know your name again.

I do not know your name, but here is the chorus to father of mine by Everclear. Well, do you want to hear that? I've got that for you. Here is every first generation Pokemon. Are we okay? I made this first generation Pokemon list for you. Oh, I told you that the first time we met. Well, this is embarrassing.

Well, shit. That's kind of my a material. How do you remember that? But you don't remember my name. I got to be honest with you guys. I want to keep the walls coming because I think we're in some fertile ground here. But while we were sitting there talking, my ankle inched its way up my chair and accident. Like I was kind of playing with a stick on my chair and not knowing what it was.

And it was the button that makes me fall out of the chair like a child. So if you heard a noise that sounded like an overweight gentleman falling out of a chair and then trying to cover it up, that's basically you basically assessed that. And then if you heard a sad trombone, that was me editing in a sad trombone to go along with Justin to come with Holly. There's no way here. Remember to do that. But I'm I'm maybe you can all imagine it.

Sometimes Griffin. Yeah, I got you. I was going to send him by Dan Devine or possibly Dan Devine. I'm going to go with the latter one because nobody's named Dan Devine. It's by Yahoo! Enters user Abby Kate who asks. It's Pringles real name who asks. What do you love the feeling of next to your skin?

And then in the body of the question, she has put in a smiley face emoticon, which isn't particularly helpful. But OK, wait, read the question one more time. What do you love the feeling of next to your skin? Uh-huh. So she's saying besides your skin. Adjacent skin adjacent. She's not saying other than the feeling of your skin, what feeling do you love?

There are three different ways she can mean this. One is is there's something hovering centimeters away from your skin and you just know what you feel. It's ghost pressure. You can feel it. Two, you love your skin the best. That's the best feeling is your skin on your muscles and stuff. But what what's after that?

What's the what's the runner up? What's second? There's nowhere I would want my skin to be other than around my muscles. Yes. And three is I believe what she is asking is what you like to touch? What do I like to touch? What do you touch and like it? Creepy question.

What are really innocuously weird? You know what I like to feel? I like the feeling of. What do you like on you? What do you know what I like on me? I like the feeling of the sort of material they use in playgrounds now instead of gravel. Yeah. You know what I mean?

That spongy shit. That spongy shit. I love that. I'm down with that. I love that. I love to touch it. Just sit there, splay leg for the milkshake. Maybe three milkshakes because who knows who I'll meet there and just really feel that stuff.

Well, hold on because I have a pretty good idea of who you'd meet there. Yeah. Well, you never know. You know, you like to maybe you'll meet make some new friends. Like, you know, do you mean like the police? Some friends of all ages. Yeah, sure. You know what I like.

Young at heart, maybe. I like I like a good role of packing tape. Like when you get that like there's something about the layers of it that really just gets to me because it's really it's smooth and it's heavy like a stone, but then on the sides, it's a little sticky just a little bit. Do you know what I like? What's that Travis? Floam. Okay. Well, where does that even exist in the natural environment anymore?

Well, I don't think it ever existed in the natural environment. Pretty sure this is fine a vein of floam. Yeah. I've got a rich vein of GAC over here. You gotta watch out for claim jumpers. The problem with floam is that they stopped producing it in like 1994. And I'm pretty sure all the floam in the world is now just like crusty bullshit. So like, I don't think I don't think anyone's going to be born into this generation and A be able to listen black eyed peas or B be able to feel natural sticky foam.

I'm not saying I don't miss it. Yeah. He's not saying it's a tragedy. It's a tragedy in one act about how Travis can feel floam anymore. I like it at playgrounds when you're sitting on the bench. And maybe there's some extra room and you're like, I wish someone would come. Yeah, sure. Take one of these.

Yeah, you know, a lot of tactile experiences tied into a play a good playground. Maybe too many for me personally. Hey, you know what I like? Tell me. Butterfly kisses. Because I always kind of thought I never have received any that I know. I mean, maybe really an intention. What?

As far as I know. Next time we hang out, I'm giving you butterfly kisses. Well, you better not. Oh, I wish it was up to you anymore. Oh, good. You know how we're always trying to find things to replace business handshakes with? Oh my God. Yes, I think it doesn't have to be on the face.

It could be like on the back of the. It's got to be on the cheek and it's got to be after bedtime prayers. Griffin, are there any answers to this question? And if so, can you read them in like sort of a low guttural mode? Feathers. My girlfriend's skin. Oh, like the outside of it, I hope dog. And bullshit, no one likes feathers.

Pirates and sharp and shitty. Pirates and cowboys. What? What? You like the feeling of pirates on your skin? Griffin, I feel like you didn't sell that one. Can you try again? Pirates and cowboys.

That's way better. Hello, Abby. I like being in the garden and feeling a cool afternoon breeze against the skin after some physical work. The sun. It's so hot. I'm burning on the sun. Why do I like this?

Why am I touching this with my skin? This sucks. I think that velvet pet. What? A velvet pet? Velvet pet. That was my favorite 80s band. No joke, like 99% of these are female skin.

Lady skin. What? Really? Female flesh, Robbie says. Robbie says female flesh. How does Robbie say that, Griffin? Female flesh. He said it from inside a basement.

From handcuffs. It's a high jail basement. It's a jail basement. I like, I guess like, sure, sure, a female. Here's the thing, 90s people, here's what's not going on. Nobody's saying the touch of a woman. They're saying female flesh, which is not the same thing, guys. That's like a weird version of that.

It's like they don't know you're there. You're almost right, but you're not quite there. Because you don't need a woman inside that skin. You can just have it. You don't have to have an active participant. Stop being weird, everybody. You're upsetting, Griffin. You happy now?

Sometimes my friends rely too heavily on quoting TV shows and movies for humorous effect in lieu of saying things that are a unique engage on their own merits. What should I do when this happens? Ignore it. Make up quotes to fit in. Change the subject. Narratively nonplussed in the net.

Definitely don't make up quotes. I like making up quotes. From TV shows that don't exist. Talk to them sugar smacks. King and queens. Jerry, I'm getting socked about my shoes. That's Kramer. From Kramer, remember?

Oh, you mean the spin-off series Kramer? Remember the Kramer show? Kramer v. Kramer. Yes. Remember Kramer v. Kramer? I don't think you should make up quotes. I said that earlier, but then I try to make one up. And it's really hard to do, right?

Unless it's about sugar smacks. Unless it's about sugar smacks. I'm convinced you just said that because you have sugar smacks somewhere in the room that you're recording in. And the rest of us don't have props, Travis. Yeah. Well, let me try it. Let me try.

I'll try to make one with, uh, let me guitar that half empty diet Pepsi in a chained up kid. From the playground. Don't make me zoom my replica buster sword. Yeah. I would actually prefer you not zoom your replica buster sword. It's very dangerous. It's super dangerous.

And you have to get a doctor to come. Quite remove it. I don't think it's inherently wrong to make, uh, jokes based on movies and TV shows and stuff. But I think you can rely too heavily on it. Yeah. But is it worth bringing up though? I mean, dude, when, oh, when Napoleon Dynamite came out,

it was all I could do not to murder every single person I met. Like everybody was doing Napoleon Dynamite impressions and Napoleon Dynamite quotes. And it made me want to kill them. I, I appreciate what Justin tries to do, which is every, I would say about once a year or so he goes through a phase where he tries to bring back, um, catch phrases from, uh, like an Austin Powers or an Ace Venture, a pet detective.

You never know until you guys see if it'll stick. Are you, are you on that tip now? And if yes, what is it, what does it sound like? Dumb and Dumber? Or how about, how about to show you, I will do my Napoleon impression. Oh, Jesus. Okay. No, it's been, it's been long enough.

Ziggy Piggy. Ziggy Piggy. What do you think? It's pretty good. Pretty good. Well, it depends on how they're doing it. Like, are you doing it? Like, hey guys, Dynamite, that was mine.

I made that. Are you doing it like all the time 24 seven and just a little too exuberantly? Or are they doing it any clever, funny way? It's like any joke where if you do it, well, yeah, it's funny. If you do it poorly, it's annoying. You know, you should, you know, you should do is every time they do it, you, um, you cite them. You just drop a quick citation in there.

Like, oh, it's good as it gets. Like, I don't like them really cognizant of it actually. You don't have to be malicious about it. Like, you're not, you're not picking on them or anything. But I think if you, if you cite it, if you give it a parenthetical citation, fucking AP style, that's not right. But they're going to stop doing it.

I think they'll cut back at least cut back and probably stop. By the way, if you at home or someone who likes to quote movies to try to, um, or quote things, the trick is to take in media that is obscure enough that no one knows you're doing it. So they just think you're off the wall and really creative. Or find like, I've been doing that for years. Yeah. Find one friend that shares that kind of eclectic taste. Like I have some friends I can quote Mystery Science Theater 3000 with

and like everybody in the room isn't going to jump on board, but the two of us have a good laugh and then we move on. Like that's fine. I think, uh, the only references that I think are funny are Tennessee Williams references. Sure. If someone like, if two guys are fighting and someone says they're bickering, like Jack Straw and Peter O'Cello, I'm going to lose my shit every time. God, you nailed it.

You nailed it with that cat reference. Have you considered making a really funny friend and then drinking their funny up and then, like, murdering them? And then like those jokes are all yours now. Uh-huh. Like the Highlander. Like the Highlander, like the Highlander of jokes. It's all in it's name.

Like the Haalander. The Haalander. Maybe. You actually. The Highlafter. The Hilarious Ander. Two more. Giggle killed.

I got nothing. How about the Smilelander? You didn't even. The Smilelander. This has been a great goof and some great riffing, but I, I'm like you guys have bills to pay. And, uh, in my world, that means a quick trip. I did the money though. Thank you for marrying Hayden on June 18th, 2011.

We really appreciate it. You did me a big solid there. You bit the bullet and you jumped on the Hayden sword. You really took one for the team. We all knew that you, somebody had to marry Hayden. And I'm glad it was a compassionate speech therapist in her second year of law school and not, well, not me, I guess. Hey Kim, you're a speech therapist who's attending law school.

You're kind of doing a lot of things. Yeah, you can have a lot of shit on your plate right now. That's some free advice from us to you. So thank you is what Hayden wants to say to Kim for marrying him. And that's what we say too. So you guys enjoy your lives together with Sabrina and Roger there in Baltimore. And, um, thank you for marrying each other. You keep teaching people to talk good and or punishing criminals.

Like Batman. Hey, or Kathy criminals to talk good. Correct. Kathy, thank you. No, I don't actually have one on this one. Kathy just wants to wish her boyfriend Paul a happy birthday. He's, uh, that he's big, big 30 for Paul, who's a computer animator. And apparently good looking.

Yeah. He got to hug me and he called it, get this, one of the best experiences of my life. Of your life, of your just in life, of his, of his life. I'm sure it's in my top. It's up there. But he scuba dives in on shipwrecks and hugging me would like took him to another plane. It was like some next level shit. Like seeing, like seeing the black eyed peas in concert.

Oh, ah, it's still hard. It's too fresh. His birthday is July 20th. So we want to wish him a happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Paul from your beloved Kathy. And if you would like to get on our maximum fun, my brother, my brother, me jumbo Tron, you just need to go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbo Tron.

Right? Correct. And that sound can only mean one thing that Griffin has written formally composed a song about everyone on the jumbo Tron today. Take it away, Griffin. Well, shit. Good start. Let's see.

Got to find those connecting elements that make these jingles so cohesive. It looks like Kim and Kathy's name is supposed to start with K. No, no, no. Kimberly, can you teach me how to talk? Kathy, can you teach me how to love? Everything I need, a gift from you. Everything else I get from a hug. But you gotta get a lady with a K name.

Hold on to your lady with a K name. I'm not saying that these are OK names. I'm saying they're top flight ladies with a K name. Beautiful. Happy birthday, Paul. I'm sure there was a better connecting thing in there. No, I think you found the best one.

My boyfriend of two years lives about three hours away. Seeing each other is difficult and sometimes downright impossible. I know he wants to move closer, but he's still hasn't done it yet. Our relationship is solid. Seriously, who wouldn't want to live closer to my baking abilities? You can all attest to this. That's not threatening. How do you, like a cue, attest to this here?

We can. They're great. Assuming the lady who made us bake goods in Cincinnati. Because I thought that was fresh. Anyway, that's so good. Anyway, how do I get him to take that leap? That's what I slated in Indianapolis. Bake better.

I guess just keep baking. If you leave a pie on a windowsill, that'll travel three hours. She will float off of the ground following this distinct stream. Tex Avery curtains are taught me anything. I am. And I think Griffin and I are going to be on two opposite sides here. Good. Moving is such a hassle.

Moving is such like there's so much involved with it. I'm not saying that you're not worth it. I'm not saying that he doesn't want to do it for you. I'm just saying it seems like kind of thing. You don't really rush and be like, yeah, why not? And just like pack up and move your shit. I'm not joking. When I say this, I would move to be closer to pie.

Like that's that reason is good enough. Like that's adequate for me. If you're not joking. That's what I'm saying. You got to get your baking scene. You got to take it to that next level. That next level shit much like the black eyed peas used to be great. Hey, come on.

I just forgotten. I know that's how that's the circle I keep living in. So yeah, just like rhubarb looking to like graham cracker crust. And just if you're doing cheesecakes, I'll move to live with you. Can we all just move in with this lady? Because she sounds great. Hey, guess what? Boyfriend, you waited too long.

Oh, you missed your shot. Always want what you can't have. And now we got it. Huckleberry. That's our pet in her. Huckleberry. Now we're your Huckleberry. We're up in that pie.

Loving it seeds. Don't mind. Love it. Crunch pie crusty sweet. Enjoy. Like a Maya Angelou poem. Possibly coming. Crusty sweet pie on the window.

Your pie. I carry it in my mouth. I don't need punctuation. I got pie. Thanks, E. I wish E.E. Cummings made pies instead of poems. I know we couldn't enjoy them now, but those would have been some fucked up pies.

You think? Yeah. The pie isn't contained. It's just hot filling. It just made a pile of hot filling. Unless you have a table, E.E.E. Dude, this is just cherry soup, which you have made. You did a bad job.

This is just a pan full of cherry stems. E.E. Cummings, you did a really bad job with this pie. Here's the thing about this pie though. Ariadite and inspiring. I appreciate it. God, I wish I could have come up in the Harlem Pyre in a sense. Don't you guys? It was an exciting time to be alive.

Those were some revolutionary pies. Going back through the Key Lime Club. They'll tell you about pies. You won't find back in Kansas City. I'll tell you that. So I guess what we're saying. I think we've got to be on the point now where we can go back. Like, we can get back to this place.

Oh, fuck. I mean, we jumped off the advice train, like half sentence in. I think this sucks. Get into. Just get him to do it. Just get him to do it. So get the fuck over here. What?

Here's a great question. What is three hours away from Indianapolis and also awesome? Nothing. I think you need to find out what it is that's really keeping him from doing it. Because it may be that he doesn't, you know, moving can be pretty scary if you've never done it before. And if it's a question of scary, you can help him through that.

It's a question of he's. I bet he's scared of stock car racing. Do you think that's his hang up? No, I don't think he's scared of stock car racing, Griffin. It's scary. He might be scared of the Manning family. No, Travis means literal, like literal horses. Like little tiny horses.

What if they run out in the stock car racing track? Oh, and then there's just chaos. That's just that's a that's a hullabaloo is what that is. I'm trying to save this relationship. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Let's buckle down. Let's buckle down and really save it. Listen, can you put him on the line?

What are you doing? She's great. You know what? Can I give you a scoop that would help everybody with their fucking decision making? And we talk about this a lot, but in 100 years, you'll be dead. You're wasting your time. You're wasting your life separated from this person who you love.

And there are moments you can be sharing with them all the time that you're missing out on for stupid three hours of geography. I think that's absolutely missing out on because you don't want to miss this opportunity because you were too scared or preoccupied or worried to do it. Just get off your duff and go do it. Put your shit in a box and drive there. I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to burn down your night. I will seriously fuck you up if you don't get to Indianapolis this second. Here's the thing. If you're still living where you're living, whatever place that is in a week, we're burning it down. How does that sound to you? Burning it down style. We're wrecking your whole shop.

Salting the earth, you lazy bitch. Get in a car and go get into your life with this woman and stop wasting your time. And our time. Son of a bitch. God damn. Griffin, cleanse my palate. How about a Yahoo answer? No, no.

Literally cleans his palate. I don't. Pringles, cleanse my palate. Pringles? Pringles? Bring me a Jordan almond. This one. This one was sent in by Tom Burkhart.

Thank you, Tom. It's by Yahoo. It's usually your Mitchell London who asks, need an old fashioned term for sex? For a novel based in the late 1800s, I need a term that could be used back then for something sexual that could end in ING. Snorkeling. Coiticing.

Can we say 23 skadooing it? I think that's OK. What about the piggy dance? What's that a term that was used? Rumping. Rumping, gross, gross. Sock hopping, I guess that was like the 50s. I don't know time well.

Yeah, it's OK. What decade are we in now? Theoretically, what decade are we operating in? We're the 21. The 21st century doing something into it. I mean like for this question. Oh, the decade. I'm going to say the 1890s.

So that's like gold rush. That's like prospecting. Prospecting is good. How about fumbling with buttons for 45 minutes? That's good. No, that's not ING. Damn it. Gats being.

Can we mining? Pickaxing. Clean jumping. They didn't mean to get you guys on a 49ers' tear. Panning for pussy gold. Is that an option? Dead wooding, dead wooding. I feel like that's if you do a bad job at it.

Yeah, almost certainly. The only thing I know about this time period is from Oregon Trail. So I'm going to say yellow fevering. Did you see Becky? I heard she got cholera. You know she gives cholera too. What's up? She loves it.

Snakebiting. Transcommon railroading. What? Wow. Hating orientalings. You're just picking things from the thing and then saying it. Like is that even about sex anymore? Carpet bagging.

Like what? Reluctantly releasing your slaves. You can't just say shit from the late 1800s and over sticks. I don't think we should worry because I'm pretty sure most of the things that we're saying didn't happen in the late 1800s. That was a very that was a very unimportant era. I mean what was it? Constitution?

Nope. That happened a long time before that. TV? Catch me in 50 years. No, I don't think that. Maybe Marconi was getting ramped up to do his thing. Thanks for nothing, Uncle John's bathroom reader. Don't worry.

Prepare me for this era, for this call as much as I thought you would. Let's let's do another yahoo. Yeah, okay. This one was sent in by Kayla Doherty. This one was sent in by Kayla Doherty. Thank you Kayla. It's by Yahoo Answers. She's your bomb soldier who asks,

When is the appropriate time to give my cat the talk? My cat, Kate Kate, is turning eight years old tomorrow and I've considered talking to her about sex. Not sure if she's ready though. Somebody please help me. This is another one of those that, if you had asked me before we started doing the show, I would have said it was someone on Yahoo Answers being funny.

But now I know too much. And nothing's funny anymore. And now I know that someone is really stressing over this somewhere. I'm sorry, I misread that it's somebody please kill me. Release me from this prison of tears. Because everyone knows it's 10 years old. Can we not use 10? Can we not just leave these fucking cats alone for a day?

They already cut off their balls. No, well, I'm assuming what kind of talk would she need to have with her ballless cat, Travis? Here's this awesome sex shit you can't do with though. I'm sorry about the apology talk. Hey cat, I'm sorry I sewed your vagina shut. Do you want to know about sex? Why aren't you listening to me? Come back.

Why are you just eating and lapping up milk? Because that's all you do all day. I'm pretty sure that if this person has a cat that they need to talk to, that they ask the internet how to talk to about sex, they don't actually know like a whole hell of a lot about it. Right? Oh, you're saying that the next question for this person is, so can you suggest some things I might say to my cat?

Like, how am I to explain to it? When should I have the talk and what should I say? And what is it that happens exactly? This is really a case of- Diagrams, please. This is a case of the blind leading the fucking domesticated animals that don't possess the capacity for human speech. You dumb asshole.

You're killing Griffin. Look what you've done to him. You've snapped his spear. Can we just leave these fucking cats alone for a day? Like, every time you get on the internet, it's like, I got my cat, I got my cat drunk. It's like, I put my drunk cat on YouTube and it makes me so fucking angry.

Like, don't talk to your cat about sex because that's it. That's the only thing your cat has is that it can just fucking garbage cans all day long. The rest of its life, it has to eat shitty dry cereal, basically, and have a fucking terrible human master. Just let him fuck all day. He's always trying to talk to them about the birds and the bees. You hold it too close when you go to bed at night

and it gets weirded out. Just let him get his gig wet. I want to half, I want to put this out there. I own a cat and I think my cat's great and everything. Your cat, aside from you feeding it, doesn't give two shits about anything you say to it. Yeah. Like, your cat isn't nearly as about you as you are about your cat.

Here's the thing. If morning comes and finds you dead on your couch, your cat is going to instantly take in the situation and start looking through your ratty robe pockets for meat. Like, that's your cat's relationship with you. How is that? How is that working? How about you don't talk to about sex

and you talk to your mailman about having sex with you and you move on? By the way, if you're speaking of, if you're looking for the right time to tell any living being about how to have sex, I maybe wouldn't wait until five years before it dies. Like, maybe shoot for a little bit sooner than that. This fucking cat is 49 and cat years.

Hey, my boyfriend has a boyfriend. Now, hold on. I've been dating this guy for almost a year and he's absolutely wonderful. I even really like his best friend. But the problem is he's more dating his best friend than me. They spend more waking hours together. I usually claim to slinky sleeping ones.

They have so many inside jokes that it's often hard to hang out with just the two of them together. And sometimes I feel judged for intruding on their bro time, which happens weekly. And bear in mind, they live together. Am I just jealous of their manly love or is there something weird going on here? Third wheel.

I'm really sorry about your gay boyfriend. I'm sorry your boyfriend has sex with guys so much. He loves guys so much that he has sex with them. No, he's not gay. This is pretty natural. No, this is what she wants to hear. Let's just give it to her. Let's just give her a little treat.

Oh, we've gone from advice to placation. It's totally weird and freaky and not okay and you're right. Look behind you, they're blowing each other. Hey, I never thought you would look. I have an easy solution to this problem. Have sex with a friend. Do it once. Hey.

That friendship is over. Solved. Don't do that. Solved. I don't think... I don't think there's anything wrong with a dude enjoying time with his best friend, but I think that there's got to be a balance, you know, where he should probably like you slightly more than his best friend.

I would really look at your feelings and you need to put this in a different perspective. What you need to figure out is how much it's actually bothering you. Not, he spends a lot of time with his friend and I should be bothered, but think about what's actually impacting your own personal happiness. Is the concept bothering you or is it actually bothering you? Like, yeah, right. Are you actually feeling neglected? Because I think in areas that you're feeling neglected, then that's one thing.

And I think that that's something you should really address with him. Otherwise, it's jealousy. You know, like you're... It's not that you're neglected, it's that, you know, you feel jealous of the time that his friend gets to spend with him. And that's not... A, that's not super healthy. B, that's not something he's going to guess.

Because in his mind, if he's not neglecting you, then it probably hasn't occurred to him that you would be upset at all. And I'm going to guess, I'm going to guess though, I'm going to infer because they live together that you guys are probably in like your 20s. It's something that I think as everybody grows older, you spend less and less time with your friends and more and more time with like your family. So this isn't going to be a forever problem. So let him have his time with his friend now and develop this, you know, lifelong friendship.

Because eventually, you know, he's going to have a job and kids and everything. And he's not going to get to hang out with his best friend all the time. You can't deep six this friendship because it's going to put too much pressure on you. Trust me, most guys are secret needy. And you don't want to have to hang out with him all the time, play halo with him and like, if I can scarf a bunch of four loco and pizza rolls, like you don't want all that responsibility. Trust me, his friend has taken a lot of the load off for you.

Now, if you are actually upset about it, you need to have a talk about it. But not in a, you need to spend more time with me and less time with him, but address the things that you need. Like, you know, I think that we should spend more time together. I miss you, that kind of thing. But don't make it a choice between you and his friend. Right. He's not going to end well.

Yeah, exactly. Don't make him spend more time with you at the expense of spending time with his friend. Let him figure out where he's going to make the requisite cuts. And, you know, also, you would also do yourself a big favor if you'd get it out of your head that you are the third wheel. Because I think if you really just ingratiate yourself in there and be cool, then it would probably help to make you not feel so isolated. But I don't think she should have to hang out with them

when they're trying to touch their balls together. I'm not sure that's part of the equation, Griffin. All right. Do you mean metaphorically touch their balls together? I mean spiritually touch their balls together. Okay. I'm talking about it. She should have to hang out with them every time,

but I'm saying when she feels isolated. She shouldn't feel uncomfortable hanging out with them. She shouldn't feel uncomfortable hanging out with them. And if she, if she feels that way, then that's something she definitely needs to address. You know, even if it's something as simple as having him sort of explain to you where these inside jokes came from and stuff like that. Yeah.

Because he probably doesn't realize that you feel excluded in those moments. Like he's laughing and having a good time and he's probably not sitting there thinking. But is she having a good time because of those moments? He's a boy. He's a stupid boy. He doesn't think that way. Sorry, his brain doesn't work very well.

Guys, let's stop talking about that. Because I feel like we, You mean that lady's elbow boyfriend? We solved it so good that let's move on and talk about this month and the things that are going on that people need to pay attention to. Because we didn't do it like that. Griffin, the month's half over.

It's more than half over. Hey, half a month of wisdom about mango and melon month is better than no months of wisdom. I feel like this point you'd have to choose that it'd have to be mango or melon month. Yeah. Both. You got to let go one of them.

Quit trying to have your mango and also eat a melon with it. Greedy bitch. So Griffin, why don't you tell for those who may just be joining us? Why don't you tell about this terrible thing? Every month shit happens. Well, no, shit is constantly happening. It's like just like molecules colliding and bad shit happens all the time.

And people are getting killed by their baths and by ice cream cones that they ate the wrong way. And so like we got to warn them. It's just us on the edge and we're warning people about shit that happens every month from a list that I find on the internet. So we are there every month is a special month. It's a special day, a collection of 30 special days.

It's a collection of 30 special days. What is what has July been officially recognized as Griffin? Well, according to this website, which based on the animated gift background, I think is a legit operation. There's there's all kinds of flavors. We could go with National Doghouse Repairs Month is get out there. Your dog's house is busted.

National share a sunset with your lover month. No, I like that skin on your skin month. I like that. There's National National Wheelchair Beautification Month, which I do not think we could talk about without not safely saying some kind of goof that would be import taste. Sandwich Generation Month. Now, this I want to know more about.

Because there's one there's one of two pretty awesome ways that this month could go, right? One is one is well, OK, I can think of three. The first is I'm making a sandwich. All right, hold on. We'll be generating a sandwich. Let's yes. It's Sandwich Generation Month, everybody.

And you know what that means. Yeah, the Sandwich Generation Month, it means it means forget two slices. This is a new day and the next generation of sandwich. Oh, shit. Yeah. You're talking about taking it to the next level. Oh, God.

What are we? It's like like the new revolution in in recipes and cooking, like kind of, you know, there's the micro foods kind of thing or the stuff like you freeze shit and deconstruct a hamburger. Is that what we're talking about? Yes, it's like molecular gastronomy. But instead, you're just using one slice of bread. Bread Sandwich Generation.

It's a thought sandwich. It's sandwich 2.0 for your mind from the second slice. So it'd be like I had a piece of bread on Monday and a slice of bologna on Thursday. Yeah. A piece of bread on Saturday. A procedurally generated sandwich. Procedurally generated sandwich.

Hey, did you have to single down at KFC? I did. It sucked. It was it was just a piece of bread and I charged. I was charged four dollars for it. This is the next this is the next sandwich. So the next sandwich, the sandwich of the future, people are busy.

They don't want to carve up. What they're doing is they're getting right at the top slice. So we can just we can say hold the mayo and also the ham and also the lettuce and the mustard. No, you're not understanding. The things are still on the sandwich. You're talking about an open face sandwich though. And that's not particularly revolutionary.

An open face sandwich is just a sandwich too. You haven't folded yet. And an open face sandwich is also a name for sex in nineteen ninety or an eighteen ninety eight. Justin. Yes. You just invented bread tacos and I don't. I think we skipped over it too quickly.

No, you're. Yes, bread tacos. This is about what about like nine steps into the future? Like three thousand eleven. OK, you just think about a sandwich. You just you just listen to the black eyed peas. They're back together. And you think about a sandwich.

Travis, by that fucking point, we're all sandwich passes, betwixt your lips. We're going to have matrix ethernet ports in the back of our brains and we can just download a sandwich thought. You can just download a sandwich. You can download a flavor taste direct from Subway. It's called a five dollar gigabyte. The byte is spelled B I T E.

And then by dollar, he means five billion dollars, five billion space credits. At that point, it'll be like five babies. Yeah, sure. We'll all be baby factories. What are you saying? We'll be trading in babies. Sandwich. It's all it's in my my new novel.

Am I the only one who went to like the Pepsi generation? Like everybody who is currently ages, let's say. Fifteen. How about this newborn baby? This new born baby. It starts at the end of the black eyed peas generation. Yeah, because black eyed peas generation sandwich generation, Skechers generation.

We haven't reached that one yet. But you guys put some money, drop some money on your Skechers stocks. So wait, X generation, X generation, Y X Y Z alpha, beta, theta, Zeta, Pepsi, black eyed peas sandwich, Skechers. Okay, I think I'm on board. So welcome babies of the future to the sandwich generation. I'm curious though, just real quick. Are there any obligations of being in the sandwich generation?

You, you're drafted into the military just instantly. Just right, like straight out the gate from the jump, you are in the military. But you get all the sandwiches that you need in Crave. Like forever? Forever, yeah, sandwiches. That's the new social security. Instead of getting any social security card, you get a subway punch card. And it's already filled out?

Yep, it's like, what's your social security number? Eight punches. Two more. And I get a BLT. So got that. I wish there were more wars. I have only found eight of them. When I fight in that 10th war, I'll never pay for a sandwich again.

Unfortunately, all sandwiches are downloaded through brain ports. I miss eating. I have mustard in my brain port. I tried, I did it wrong. I didn't download it. I just wanted a mustard on it. I just put the God mustard on my mind now. I see the silly, lighthearted fucks walking around their Skechers.

And I think what could have been. I think you youngsters today with their Skechers. You youngsters today, you don't understand the service that I provided this country. I earned these sandwiches. Killed so many. You all killed so many Martians. Nine months today where parties aren't rocking anymore. And the black, because the black IPs aren't making the beat drop there.

So how are babies going to get born without that boom, boom, pow? This is my question. Think about it. The human race might. Do they have to get back together at that point? If we see like a dramatic. When like the sun stops providing heat. I feel like this is the setup for like a Bill and Ted's

excellent adventure style movie where Rufus has to travel back in time and make sure the black IPs get back together. Yeah. Good job. Good job, America. I'm saying. Black IPs were our wild stallions that we let them go. I say things are way more dire than that.

I'm saying, you know how, you know how like when there's a flood or a tidal wave, mice and dogs and cats will like run away from it. I'm saying that the black IPs know that like the heat death of the universe is coming. And so they they they have broken up because they're leaving. They're leaving this planet. Oh, so by the them breaking up. A typhoon in Japan is a vert like the butterfly effect, right? Is that what you're saying?

Like the apple, the apple. I'm saying that read the book of revelations because this is fucking verse one, chapter one. The four horsemen of the beat. Uh-huh. Of the funk ellipse. Uh-huh. I miss him so much, guys.

I'll miss I'll miss him so much. I can't even process it. All of our listeners, um, get off your asses and write a letter. I don't know to your representative. Is there a petition? Congressman. There ought to be a law. There ought to be a law.

Get along the book. Yeah, we should have done. Hey, if they aren't going to be the black IPs, somebody else needs to. It should be a title that's handed down. It's exactly. It should be like the dry pirate for you. You know, this was all, we can't be angry at the black IPs. This is all bad planning on our part.

What we should have done is we should have taken 10 to 20% of every black IPs album that came out and held it into a strategic black IPs reserve so that we could keep the black IPs train rolling sort of social security style. Instead, we're in a double dip black eyed peas recession and everyone's feeling it. The black eyed peas balloon, the bubble has burst. Oh God. This is my black. This is my black eyed peas lock box.

So it's like body odor. Dr Pepper in here. Why are there so many black eyed peas? Hey, listen, I want to hear if it's the last question. But first, thank you so much for listening again to my brother. My brother, I mean advice show for the modern era. You keep tuning in every week and telling friends about the show. And I, we seriously can't thank you enough.

You're also hugely helpful in making the show what it is. And personal thanks. Thanks everybody for jumping on board that Take Your Podcast to Work Day, Jim. Yeah, it was a fun little project. And that Travis came up with that I thought was a real thing. But I guess it's better. I made it a real thing by my actions. Yeah, sure.

Sam Barcanti has listened to 27 in BNBM episodes in the past two weeks. That's crazy. So what's up to racing freak? He's a fan and we're happy to have him. Thank you to our buddy, Mike Dowling, who had some really nice words for us. Tony Goll, Zookeeper780. You guys are all just really the best. And, and you've really helped us to spread the word about the show by tweeting with the

NBNBM hashtag. Make sure if you're tweeting about the show that you include a link to our sampler. It's bit.ly. It's mbmbam. And if you do about the show, then give that to people so they'll want to hear. Hey, and make sure if you update your relationship status on Facebook to reflect your recent divorce, you include a link to our sampler. And if you send condolences to a friend, make sure to include our sampler.

Make sure you go buy a t-shirt, maxfunstore.com, our friends at Topotico. You did so much better that time. Thanks. They're refilling the ones that are sold out. We are going to get more in. We promise this will be ongoing availability. And I think that's that's it. Right.

That's everything. Make sure you listen to stop podcasting yourself. A Judge John Hodgman and Jordan Jesse go in San Diego, America. I just assumed that everybody did that because they're like really good shows. And you all like nice things. Dot org is the site to find them. So check them out if you're if you're looking for something to listen to. And we haven't mentioned in a while, but you should subscribe to all of those podcasts,

including ours on iTunes or whatever you used to download the programs. So that way you get them automatically each week. And you don't even have to think about it. So break this. Break this off a review. Griffin. Hey, Austin, by the way, I'm going to be up in you next week. So yeah, government's moving to Austin.

Brace your butt. Brace your butt. Your buttholes. Are you saying you're going to have anal intercourse with Austin? No, I'm just going to look at him. Fine. How do you do? So prep your buttholes.

Going to check them ready for inspection. Going to peep them. Hey, let's end it. This one was sent in by Krista Whalen. Thank you, Krista Whalen. It's by Yahoo! It's your user, Afaf, who asks, why can't I stop watching porn? And what is your favorite Disney movie?

I'm just a McRoy. I'm Travis. I'm Griffin McRoy. This is my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad's school you wear on the lips. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks.

Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.