My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 65: Lady Zoo

Episode Date: August 1, 2011

Let's beat that summer heat together, friends, by staying out of the sun's angry rays, and staying in the cool comfort of our loving advice. Come on in, partner. We've got central air, and ice-cold Diet Pepsis. Suggested talking points: HTMLOL, Dracula's Quiznos, Best Friend's Girl, Sloppy Rhino, S&M Cult, Eleven Keyboards, Two Sunsets, Bustin'

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother. My brother made an advice show for the modern era. I am your host, Justin McElroy. I am co-host, Travis McElroy. I'm co-co-host, co-co-macaroy. Hi, Coco. Hey, this is Coco. Today, we're going to kick things off. I've given everyone an assignment. We're going to put the debt ceiling on the old comedy juicer and just kind of

see what comes out. See what kind of jokes we came up with. Now, I like my comedy pulpy, so I'm definitely going to go with a baner sounds like boner joke. Travis, what do you feel like? I like puns, so I'm going to say my debt ceiling has a sunroof. Debt ceiling has a sunroof. That sounds more like the origins of a shitty political cartoon. What I was going to go with is something a little more man of the people. I was going to say, I don't know about the debt ceiling, but I've certainly reached my give a shit ceiling, and then I was going to go, a twang. If someone could provide that sound effect for me, that would be great too. Is that a spittoon sound you just made? No, it's a twang. Like a banjo riff?

It's more like a twang. It's like you've released a bow and arrow. It's almost sort of like a, it's like HTML, but instead of saying the previous text was emphasized in italics, it says the previous text had a twang to it. So it's like HTML for speech. Talk TML, yes. Talk TML, I like that. I like that a lot. When I'm using it for jokes, I call it hot TML. It's about comedy. How about HTMLOL? That's what we would also accept HTMLOL. I was just sitting here trying to think of flash base puns. I don't think this episode is off to a great start. No, flash mob puns are much easier. Hey everybody, can we stop with that? Can you just stop? Flash mobs were at a sprint commercial, so that's pretty much done.

So you got to move on to something else. Flash mobs are those things where like a bunch of a bunch of young kids go and beat the shit out of people. That's correct. This is free advice for flash. Why, how the fuck was that in a sprint? Like, hey, I'm so glad we can meet and get here and beat up this cop because we texted on our sprint phones. No, that's not like that. Flash mobs are when young people get together and just dance, but it's choreographed and they don't. All of a sudden, it's like at 12.01, everybody dance. Basically, it's like insane people have been doing for years, that insane homeless. Well, they're slightly less organized and way less interesting. Yeah, exactly. I think there's nothing more interesting than a group of young

kids coming to like break both your legs on the street. No, it's not. Why is it all about violence? It's not like a mob like soccer hooligans. That was used inappropriately. True flash mobs are about dancing. Now, okay, do I agree with you that that would be a better use of the word flash mob before? Of course, that would be a better use of it. It would make a lot more sense because what they're doing is flash dance. It's not a flash mob. Maybe because flash dance is already taken. Across this great country of ours, how many show choir ensembles do you think have named themselves the flash mob? And they were like a bunch of sequins. I think it's the kids inside the show choir. There's like a splinter cell inside them that like do things their own way.

You know what I mean? They're plotting the overthrow of their teacher. They wear their reversible vests inside out and. So you're saying by day, they all sing we built this city in a choreographed dance. And at night they tear you down. By night, they wander around town and beat the shit out of cops. No, there's no, again, Jesus Christ. Let's move on to the questions because I feel like you're going to grok those a little bit better. I'm going off to college soon and I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people. When I meet another guy naturally, we shake hands. But what's an opposite appropriate greeting for a stranger of the opposite gender? Greetings in Georgia. Oh, that's a great question. That's a really good question because I don't know what to

tell you. Well, in Georgia, don't you delicately dab your handkerchief to your forehead and wave your lacy fan? Uh-huh, right? You sip your mint julep and you talk about your land and how good it is to have it. Yes. Fertile. Do a little snuff. Just a little snus. I've experienced this a lot in my industry where you'll meet a woman who is in PR, perhaps, or marketing who you have never met before in real life and you'll go for the handshake and she'll go for the hug. And boy, howdy, is that awkward because that's what you can end up doing is putting an open hand right between her boobs. So what you're saying is it's... Not like you touched, but it looks like you're indicating to her. Yeah, like, hey, can I dive in there? What's up? You gotta make a bigger opening

bet than the person you're greeting because if they're going for a handshake, you have to go for a hug. If they're going for a hug, kiss them on the cheek. If they go for a cheek kiss, which is coming back and telling them in the mouth. Tell them in the mouth. You go for that? Marry them. I love you. Can we... What about just a big old flashy bow? Oh, you sweep your cape to the side. A pleasure. I'm sure. Greetings. I am Voldemort. Your name is actually Brian. Pleasure. I am Dracula. I'm so glad to have you working at my Quiznos. Have you been to the one Quiznos out Route 60 where the guy says he's Dracula? Whatever you do, don't ask for garlic. He will flip his mind. I think handshaking...

That's the thing, though. The problem is that this isn't just a gender question. We've lost that kind of universal etiquette of greeting. Back in the 1800s, it used to be so structured. This is what you do. You kiss the back of the hand. Across the board, there was a rule for it. Now it's so up in the air. Don't do that. It's still pretty structured, I think. I can't think of anything else you do, except for hugging. That's kind of weird to do. That's a good goodbye to a stranger. I like to drop that. Our relationship is moving faster than you probably thought it was. If you defy the greeting convention and you kiss a hand, or bow, or do the French cheek kiss. This is going to be a proper name for a genuflect.

Just do Chill City. That's just... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The only way you can... Any of those things are bad. You can take a shot. You're not going to go wrong. If you think about the... And we're mainly talking about the hug, shake, like that dichotomy there. You're not going to go wrong. I would rather be on the handshake into that than the hug end of that, by which I mean... You mean you go for the handshake? If you're not sure, go handshake. If you want to gamble and go with hug, if it's the first time meeting somebody, but you've kind of talked to them in the past, you know what I mean? Maybe that's very common in our society now. You've talked to someone via email or via phone this

your first time meeting in the meat space, as we say. You know, if you're looking at eyes and there's that recognition, maybe you go in for the hug. Still going to be a gamble. When you do the hug, you've got about one to two seconds of contact, and then you've got to break off. No extended hugs. Pat, then you're out. Pat, then you're out. There's got to be a handshake. Got to be a handshake. Got to be a handshake. Now, here's another question. Let's go to sleep in the subject machine and go another level down. When you shake a fella's hand, and it's a contemporary and not your boss, I almost always go for the three-pump, like, uh, uh, like, uh, and then maybe bones it, but usually I don't bones it. I just go in and then go thumbsies, and then nucks,

and then pull it back. Yeah. Can you do that to a lady's stranger? Or do you... How do you shake a lady's hand? I think with... How do you shake a lady's hand without breaking it? I think you just... You just give, like, one squeeze, and you're out. Like, you just grasp and stop. I don't think you pump. I don't think you do nucks. I don't think you bones it. I... You just squeeze and out. Some ladies are so delicate, though. They're like... You go to shake their hand, and it's like... It's like a bunch of glass sticks wrapped in silk. Like, how am I supposed to shake this? It's like grabbing a bunch of tulips by the head. Yeah, exactly. And I tell you, there's a whole social hierarchy for guys in handshakes, too.

We were at a family gathering this weekend, and I met a new member of our family, and he shook my hand with a sort of bravado, maybe? Or... Or maybe he's like, hey, this guy is somebody you guys take seriously. Yeah. He's fighting a wrestler. Yeah. Now some... I'm not saying, like, all ladies' hands are silk-wrapped glass sticks, but I'm saying, like, it's hard sometimes that you don't feel that sort of the meaty warmth you expect. I think when you shake a lady's hand, it's not a competition. You're not trying to... Right. As opposed to the dude where it's like, I can give a firm handshake. I am a man. With a woman, I think you don't need to crush her fingers. Don't come asshole.

You guys know that because of this bit, every time we do a live show and we meet our one-to-two lady fans, they are gonna fucking break our hands. Oh, crush it. Oh, fuck! Oh, I'm sorry! Yeah, but we'll deserve it, and we'll understand it. Guys, everybody, let's just chest bump. Can we all just chest bump? Can we just get back to basics and just bump our chests together? Hey, dear brothers, McRoy, I'm worried that I might be in love with my best friend's ex. I understand the rule is brose before hose. Please don't say that out loud. But when it is considered acceptable to proceed with getting my mac on, form spring. Never. It's never brose before hose. Never. Hey, whoever said brose before hose is lying.

Meet exhibit A in the fact that the world does not operate on that premise. I call it the continued existence and propagation of the human race. Hi, it's never been brose before hose until your brose learned to make progeny. Do you know who invented brose before hose? It was somebody who knew that his friend was interested in his own ex-girlfriend. Yeah, he's like, hey, wait, but you brose before hose. Yes. Gotcha. I did it. Came down from the mount. There's a stone carved brose before hose. I have another example. If you say brose before hose in front of a quote-unquote hoe, it'll be brose and just brose forever and ever and jerking it forever because what are you doing? Don't say that out loud. Don't even think it. What is it with that attitude? Brose before

hose. Like, have you met your brose? It's absolute nonsense. It's nonsense. It's just falderol. Can we make a less falderol-y, less inflammatory version of this? Yes. Yes. Pals before gals. Okay. That's perfect. That's much better. I thought we could get a good 15 or 20 seconds of riffing out of that, but you just don't shut it down. I just shut it down. Pals before gals. Everybody, no more brose before hose. Pals before gals. I want to do a slight addendum to one of our usual answers, and it's this. Just ask him, silly. Hey. Hey. Go to your best friend and be like, hey, you're my best friend. You want me to be happy. Can I put it in Debbie? Can I put it in her? Can we, how about buds before jugs? What? What? I got,

Griffin, I already did this part. Buds before jugs? I did this part for you. I wanted to make my contribution just since it's democracy and people can vote on which one they- I haven't already nailed it. Griffin, you've got, you've got buds. Is it buds? I'm sorry. Is it buds before jugs? Is that your rhyming? Okay. Travis, what is your- We have to find some way to say that the first one is guys, because pals can be lady, I have lady pals. Do you think, so you don't like how mine's more progressive? Oh, you're s- What if your best friend's a lady? I twisted it on you. What's up? Yeah, mine was not only less offensive, it also elevated all of humanity's dialogue. So did you have something else you would like to add? You took the game into account. I would like to

look into the future 100 years when we can just say human beings before human beings. Actually, it'd be human beings before human beings, which were created in a terrible Dr. Moreau style. Don't date your best friend's ex. He says. Period. Don't- What is it again? Do not- Do not date your best friend's ex or- or buds before jugs. Which one did you want? Which one on my bone wall? Which one are these pearls? I'll just open up another Griffin fortune cookie and see what spits out. Oh, buds before jugs it says. Listen, you can't like- She's just going to compare you to him. Comfy with that? The thing that's weird about this is that that I think it's- I'm less concerned about the- Your friend giving permission and

everything. I'm less concerned about that. More concerned about how your life, should you pursue this relationship, is going to splinter in a very real way. Like you're creating- You're basically creating a splinter reality for yourself. Civil war is what you're creating. Yes, you're creating a civil war. Bros against hoes. Rebels versus rebels before redcoats. I just- That was the revolutionary war. Okay, rebels. I'm sorry. Is it rebels before redcoats? Here's the problem. What this is that if you do this, there's no way your best friend is going to be able to divorce from his mind the idea that you were- You were into his girlfriend while they were dating. No way to do it. No way to do it. And that's it for you guys. That's pretty much- That's pretty

much the old ball game. Once he gets that- Once he plants that seed in the fertile, fertile loam of his jealous mind, you're done zoes. So I guess like to sum it all up, you can do it, but it will irreparably change your friendship forever. And by change means end. Yeah, kind of like how a building when burned down is changed. Back to not building. Back to zero building left. Love is- I would say that there's very- There are almost no situations where I say don't pursue love. I just want you to know that you are the risks that you are talking about here. That's all. And I think X is a little- I think we almost need more information to really decide- Yeah, if they just broke up like two days ago, fuck you. Or if it was like a two week

relationship though. Yeah. Like what if they just casually saw each other and then you just said, fuck you at him for nothing. That's fine then. You just yelled at him. Well now I feel bad. You should feel bad, man. You don't spring the conclusions. Peruse before abuse, that's what I say. That's my other one that I've got. Griffin. Hey. Hey. This Yahoo answer was sent him by Curly Head Poet. Thank you Curly Head Poet. Thanks buddy. Thanks friendo. It's by Yahoo Answers user Aum who asks, what's it do with my pubes and pit hair heart? Should I braid them? Curl them? I have a hot date tomorrow. My pubes and armpit hair need to be gorgeous. Smile face. Just as long as they match. Yeah, right. Don't do one thing up top and

everything downstairs. Consistency is key. Hold on. I think that you can- I think I'm saying that I think that you can mix it up. I think you can go bouffant and armpit left. I think you can go corn rows and armpit right and pubes. I think that you can shave your basketball number. I'm saying that's a good look. That's not just a good look. That's three good looks. Oh, so what you want to emphasize on this day is variety. I have a lot of different things on. Welcome to the buffet. What do you feel like today? I got all kinds of weird shit in here. I do a lot of bad things. This would take a lot of patience and some skill, but what if you raise up your right arm and there's a rhino in there and in your left arm it's one of those swirly tree

looking things. Hold on. You do some topiaries all over the place. Oh, you didn't mean like a literal rhinoceros. No. That'd be difficult to get up in there. We're trying to watch a movie. Can you can you please keep your giant horn mammal quiet? Can you keep your pit rhino just silenced? That'd be a pretty cool commercial for deodorant, wouldn't it? Can you walk me through it? Can you walk me through the visuals? Okay. No, just do sound. What's your underarm situation like? That's the rhino. It's like you've got to slam it down with some axe paste and then they spear the axe paste on the rhino and he shrinks down. Maybe the rhino's in a stained t-shirt and he's eating nachos. Okay. I mean, I don't know why we... I feel like a

seriously he's like a sloppy rhino. Like you got one of those well manicured caped rhinos you see in Georgia. Can we dye? Can we dye our miscellaneous hairs? Piedite, maybe. Piedite? Can we tie dye them? That's it. That only says I'm taking the care to get a cool look for you. It says very flexible up here. I don't know what's going on. Brian, I don't... I'm having a good time. We're both in a situation where I can see your armpit hair so it's got to be intimate. So straight up though, hold on. Let me pause just a second because is that cotton candy? What have you done? How could you do this? If so, can I get some? Can I get a nibble? Is it blueberry? Yes, please. I don't like the idea of people having hair anywhere. Even guys, I don't want to think about it, that reality. I just want people to have it

and keep it to themselves. Wait, you don't... you're not like... you're uncomfortable with the idea of body hair other than the kind on your head area? Like, I'm not uncomfortable with the fact that it exists. I'm uncomfortable with it being brought into the discourse. I'm actually more uncomfortable with the idea that there are people out there that are impressed with how well manicured your armpit hair is. I don't think those people exist. No, I think this gentleman has invented the situation for himself. I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud of your puberty bush, though. You don't think hair is sinful? Well, I mean, it is a sin to have hair on your mom's pupus, but listen, this just makes it sweeter. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's the sweetest sin.

It's having hair above your genitals? I just think that it's time for us to be proud of our bodies fully, wholly, internally, externally. You're saying ladies stop shaving? I'm saying ladies, gentlemen, no more maintenance, no more... you know how many hours in the day you have before you die? Not a lot, not as many as you might think. Let it all run wild, let it all hang out. So let's just sask watch it up. Yeah, just... and you know Griffin is living this lifestyle because he uses his shampoo suds to wash his body. So you know that he's committed to this... Groom Free is the name of this movement that he has initiated and he wants everybody to get on board with him. Why don't you spend an hour writing some poetry instead of moosing? I guarantee you

if they have a full, blown, poorly maintained situation, they write some poetry from time to time. They indulge in some creative writing. You know, if Uncle Jesse had spent half as much time trying to get a fan base for Jesse and the Rippers as he had spent moosing, blow drying, conditioning, endlessly styling his hair, that could have been a very different series. It would have been about his meteoric rise to stardom. Think about it, full house, think about it. Hey, I got a question for you guys. Is it possible to ask out a pizza girl or more importantly, should you ask out a pizza girl mystified in Melbourne? I think... Those are two different questions. Is it possible? Yes. Wait, should you? No, I think he means successfully. Can you close

the ask out deal? Oh, that's a different question. Here's my biggest thing. That sounds gross. Is this a girl made of pizza? Because I think if she could find someone to love her and not eat her, she should count herself lucky. And you know what? I don't care what people say. Yes, you can ask out a pizza girl and you know what? Yeah, you should ask out a pizza girl if you love her and if you think she's something special to you. If she has the toppings that you like. This is my supreme girlfriend. Hey, you are supreme. I don't care that you're a little bit big. I'm a meat lover. I'm a meat lover lover. That's me. I love you. You're a meat lover's pizza. I'm a meat lover's pizza lover. Meat lover lover. That's me. That's who I am. You are covered in sardines.

What? I am crying and it's not because of your freshly diced onions. It's because I love you so much. You are so special to me. Pizza girl. Pizza girl. That's my favorite dead milkman song, by the way. You guys should check it out. So, assuming you mean the pizza delivery woman, I think they prefer. They don't let girls do that job. They don't let girls do that job. You gotta be a real all woman. I think no because there's this inherent laziness that's like, is this a girl delivery service? It is not. She is just bringing me a food. I am going to say no because when someone is on delivery to a stranger's house in a strange neighborhood, they're already on high alert and I think that that is not the right time to ask them how.

When they're terrified? Yeah. They're prepared to open the door to an S&M cult or something. You know what I mean? Like, they're already afraid. An S&M cult? You think? Yeah. Yeah. Is that what they're prepared to open the door to? Have you ever been a delivery person? Either one of you? No. No. I have. And you walked in on an S&M cult? They're like, oh, Jimmy John's. Thank you. Hey, get out of, hey, can you get out of me for a second so I can pay this man for the Jimmy John? Could you undo my mouth zipper so I can eat this delicious submarine sandwich? Oh, I left my wallet with the gimp. Go get him. Hey, Daniel, can you plug my gapers for a second so I can walk in front of the door?

I got to get to the door and pay the Jimmy John's guy, but you're standing on my balls. Here's, I can only see one way that we can test this out because I'm still on the fence. Okay. We got to role play it. I think we just got to keep going until we find if it is, if it is what we can do. So I'll be, I'll be pizza girl and try as you can be the lonely customer and then we'll trade off if need be. Okay. Okay. I mean, I was going doorbell and. I'll adjudicate and I'll let you know in the situation. Okay, just narrate. Okay. All right. So ding dong. Hey, I got a pizza here for you. Well, thank you. You're awfully cute. Bye.

Oh, it was a good try. It was a good try. Travis seems to go play some more, be comfortable talking to women, I think. Hey, yeah. My problem with this is the same problem I have with asking out a bank teller and that they're trapped. Like it's a, that's a girl. You're just asking her out because she's a girl in a glass cage that you're asking her out because it's perfectly safe. Like don't, don't do that. If you want to be serious about it, follow her back at a, at a distance she won't see. Follow her back to pizza joint and then wait until she's getting out of her car and just as she's about to get out of her car, slam the car door back closed and then make her roll

down her window and then ask her out because that says to me romance. I, um, it's, it smells to me like a felony. I like your idea that banks are lady zoos. That's what they are. They're lady zoos. You go through the drive through, you get to see a lady, you pay your deposit, you pay your APR and you get to see ladies in prison. Yeah. Anybody could use an automatic teller machine for anything. You know why you don't is because you're going to go see a lady in a prison and you're going to think, oh, I should ask her out. You're going to treat yourself to a little midday, alternate reality fantasy about this girl, but you're just stop it. Just go use the teller machine.

Why do you want an extra interaction? I don't get it. I don't get it. So I think somewhere in there we've decided it's not a good idea to ask that. I think we've decided that anybody in any service industry, you should not, you should not court. Leave them alone. They're working. Leave them alone. Can you just leave them alone? I'll tell you what, here's the message you're sent. Let's talk about first impressions for a second. You order a pizza. So this person knows two things about you. One, you pay for it. One, and two, you don't cook. So that's not a good start. That's not a good scene. No, it's not a good start. Plus, plus, plus, you have to decide this so quickly.

Do you know absolutely nothing about them? No, nothing about them. It's like, it's like, it's like mystery day. You look at them for five seconds like, uh, uh, uh, I have to make a split second decision and you do too. What's with the science right now? We're making connections. You guys don't believe in love at first sight? No, not when she's driving a shitty rusted out dodge dart and holding the pizza box. Why can't you fall in love with a girl driving it? Like you said, Josh, you're throwing a lot of hate. You're throwing a lot of hate. I'm just saying that you know nothing about her. She knows nothing about you.

It's too long. I have built entire marriages out of less information than you like pizza and don't like driving to get pizza. You're down with Hawaiian. That must mean you're mysterious, cultured, and you have a sophisticated ballot. Can I appreciate the intermingling, the delicate dance of salty and sweet? It looks like you have also gotten brownie bites, so you are a little fat. And I can, but I can just see that I can, I can scope that one. You like it. Uh, I have a Yahoo answer that I'd like for us to discuss.

Okay. Uh, sent him by Oliver Brogdon. Thank you, Oliver. It's by Yahoo answers user Richard or Richard, who asks. That's a good, that's an early, early member, huh? Yeah, he really had, he's been sitting on that username for a while now. What is the most unique bathing experience you have seen or maybe even imagined? Hi, I am currently designing a bath house slash spa in Spain as part of an architectural thesis. This will be no ordinary spa. In fact, it will be highly experimental. Think Egyptians bathing in donkey milk experimental.

To get to the point, we'll get back to that. To get to the point, it is many different bathing, swimming spaces experiences. My question to you is what's the most unique bathing experience you have seen or maybe even imagined? Um, every time I go on Yahoo answers, I have to get into a sculling hot shower and scrub the top layer of my skin off. Does that count? Griffin, I know there are answers. Please give them to me. Um, I mean, there's an S, there are two essays that people have written that I'm not entirely.

The Roman baths at Bath look pretty inviting. The green color and warmth look good and tranquil. In Heragut, there was this very old steam bath complex with lots of rooms and different ways to hang out. Hey, let's go to the- Can I ask you something? Can I ask you guys something about this side topic sort of? Do you guys agree that like of all the historical knowledge you can have, historical knowledge about the ancient Greeks is pretty much the weirdest? Like it's like the creepiest one that when you know about it, like and mentioning it, like it's like, it's the creepiest, right?

It says a certain thing about a person. Like, um, if you know a lot about the ancient Greeks, then you just like the fucking party. You are just a non-stop, like put anything in front of me. I'll fuck it. Like that's what it says. That's what I hear is that you like that. You like just- Yeah, I'm going to put a stop to two things right now. The just preemptory stop. I don't want any emails about how wonderful bathhouses are. And I don't want any emails about how awesome the ancient Greeks were. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, I'm sure you had a great time. You had a great time in your Greek bathhouses and whatnot.

Is not for me. Can a bathhouse- Can a bathhouse be something that you can- you can go to- gosh, how to phrase this? Without the- a bathhouse, without making a bathhouse lifestyle change. Can it be something I just go to, like- So, like, can you dabble in bathhouse? My bath is broken. Is there a place much like a laundromat for clothing? I'm talking about a laundromat for human skin. Okay.

Just to chill out. Just to hang out. You just- You know what I don't have? I do not have a boiling hot pool of donkey milk. I would- yeah, I'd- hey, I'd kind of like to know what that's like a little bit. I would like to swim in a bathtub filled with silica gel. I would like to hear an undiscovered Barry Manlow and Bette Midler playing together for the very first time for an adoring crowd of gentlemen at a bathhouse. Like, I don't think that that's- and I want to be able to go to that without making a lifestyle change.

You know what I mean? I just want to be part of that experience. I would like to be a member of a bathhouse in the same way that I want to be a member of a gym, where I just show up and just go to the juice bar. Like, I don't want to actually work out or do any of that stuff. I just want to hang out and, like, get some juice. I mean, if you go to a bathhouse, you're going to get some juice. You know that there are juice stores. Yeah. Um, I do- I may have a fundamental-

Travis, will you do me a favor? Will you go to a bathhouse? Walk in the door. I just shout. Where can I get some juice? Give me the juice. Can anyone got juice? Um, I may have a fundamental misunderstanding of what a bathhouse is. I do not know. I believe it's, like, a skeezy YMCA. It's a sexy YMCA, where there's no workout equipment, just the bath part.

Just a large tub filled with naked people. Just, like, a hot thing. I don't think it's one large tub. See, that's what I thought. I'm almost certain it's one large tub, and then you have steam rooms off on the side. I thought it was just, like, a big, hot pool. Like, a pool that is heated, and also there's, like, 30 goddamn dicks in that thing. Well, someone please email us and let us know what their personal favorite bathhouse is like.

Oh, God, I don't want to read it. I don't want to read it. I want Travis to read it, but you're not going to have to read it. I'm going to have to read it. I'm going to get educated on that. I just googled bathhouse, and this hop result is a Wikipedia entry for gay bathhouse, and the second result is a Wikipedia entry for bathhouse. So even Google kind of... Google's bias.

But really, you two, let's dig deep. What is the most unique bathing experience you've ever seen, or maybe even imagine? Like, for reals? Because I've seen on some, like, travel specials where there's stuff where they bathe in, like, lava heated pools and stuff that I guess looks okay, and there's monkeys in them. On an episode of Three Sheets, I saw Zane Lamprey bathe in beer. It's supposed to be a hangover cure. Yeah, that looked nice. Oh, comfy.

Maybe bullshit, but... This is... I can't, in good conscience, come up with anything, because we've talked about how dangerous baths are. Yeah, I think we are pretty firmly anti-bath, I feel like. I mean, you can do it. You just have to be responsible about it, and there's nothing more irresponsible than a hot donkey milk bath, because what's going on in that water? To be fair, though, the nice thing about bathhouses is it provides you with 29 spotters to make sure that if you go down, there's someone there to pull you back up.

Unless they... Yeah, unless they don't want you to. Hello. Hey, the problem with bathhouses, we couldn't even afford to get into one, because we don't have the money to do it. Is there any solution for that? Is there a steep price to get into these bathhouses, I don't know? Let me hop on Ticket Hub. Did you say Dicket Hub?

Money zone. Money zone. So, Travis, our first is GameOverNation.com. Can you tell us about it? Well, Game Over Nation is a video game site. It's just three dudes, Javi, Ryan, and Dylan, and they give their thoughts in the video game industry. They have cartoon doppelgangers that star in their animated game reviews and webcomic, and they provide instructional videos on how comics are made, which is pretty cool. In addition to the comic, they have editorials, weekly podcasts, things about keep you entertained.

So, if you want to check it out, you can go to GameOverNation.com. GameOverNation.com. Wow, I didn't mean to say that. I hope Griffin didn't try to murder me for edging out his groove. Um, the other big exciting thing we have going on this week is, uh, that is, it's, it's for a lady named Melissa, and Melissa, hey, Melissa, this is from Chris. And Chris wants you to know, Melissa, that he wants you to have a happy fourth anniversary. You play Borderlands together, you play Resident Evil 5 together.

You're in love, one would assume. He kills bugs, she makes sushi, me hopes there's not a connection between the two. But you guys are, are in love and I support that. And I want you to know that you found each other, you hold tight to one another. Now that you've found someone who will have you, never let them go. We also have a third conductor. This, this train has a lot of conductors, which is insane. Yeah, it's a crowded train.

The conductor is a listener named Taryn, which is a pretty radical name, who wishes her boyfriend, Israel Briggs, which is the fucking coolest name, a happy belated birthday, his birthday was July 19th, and she wants to say, I'm gonna do my best Taryn impression. Happy birthday from your loving girlfriend, Taryn, and I guess I got my swagger back. That's so sweet. That's beloved. People are, people are showing their love for each other with quotes from our show. I'm in a couple with that, actually.

Now let's mock them in song. You've got a high score in my heart, and I hope that we never part. And you can be my player too, and I will do strange things to you. I said Melissa and Chris and Taryn and Israel. You've got to get your gaming news from GameOverNation.com. Happy birthday. Wait, fuck, it was somebody's birthday, okay. Someone's birthday.

Wonderful, Griffin, another fine job. These are getting badder. Yeah, maybe we need to stop doing these. Hey, I fear I might have a problem with hoarding. I just realized that within arm's reach, I have eight keyboards and three more within a couple of steps. I bought four keyboards in the last week. Do I need help, or am I just weird? Can I do those? Well, you're definitely weird.

Yeah, those aren't mutually exclusive, Kara. Yeah, weird people need help. You own 11 keyboards? Okay, what kind? Okay, so like, if you own 11 computer keyboards, you're definitely weird. If you own 11 musical keyboards, and after you buy each one, you're like, it's not the right sound, it's not what I hear in my head. Or you've built a keyboard wall, and you have this epic, you would hear it on John D.

Libertus soundscapes or whatever it's called. That'd be awesome. I'm sorry, how was that again? Sorry, Chav? And you said it'd be awesome. That sounds synthesizer sound? Yeah. That's the name of the show, Echoes with John D. Libertus.

What the fuck are you talking about anymore? You don't know about Echoes? You have to stop liking bad things. I don't like it. I can't stress enough. I don't like it. All right. This is what comes on NPR at like nine o'clock, so I was getting stuck.

I'm sorry, John. If he's a listener, of course. I'm sorry, John D. Libertus. Libertus. John D. Libertus. All right. Is it possible that she has 22 hands? Oh, like you think she can't input the data?

Like a men in black, like the alien for men in black, the one that hangs out in the central hub of the MIB headquarters, the MIB HQ, and keeps track of all the aliens. I think it was, you had a name like Bob or something, like something simple, a simple name that you wouldn't expect the alien to have. Fuck, what a good movie. I wish I had a keyboard to smash. That would be fun. But here, okay.

Breaking one of those keyboards over your knee or something. Don't be very stressed. I think that everybody has at some point, while they were like doing spring cleaning or something, realized that they owned. Eleven keyboards? No, that they owned like, why do I have three copies of the same book? Or why do I have, you know, all these movies?

Or why do I have four, you know, half empty spindles of Burnable DVDs? That's, that's normal. What's not normal is going out and in one week buying four keyboards in one week. That's no longer about four. You know you've got a keyboard. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I have, for example, I, if I, I realized yesterday when I was cleaning

out my cupboards, I have two boxes of kosher salt. If I have two boxes of kosher salt, that's a coincidence. If I buy four boxes of kosher salt in one week, I have an iodine deficiency. And I need to go to the doctor. That's the difference. So yes, if you find yourself uncontrollably buying computer keyboards, you probably have an issue. You think she only meant to buy it?

Like she went to Best Buy and she was like, she just wanted the one keyboard. But she'd slipped, she slipped up somehow and she accidentally bought four. Do you mean like she was tempted by the features offered? I'm saying she went to the counter at Best Buy and was like, let me get four keyboards. And they're like, they're like, okay. And they ran her up and then by the time she was halfway home, she was like, ah, fuck, I meant one keyboard. Maybe she said she, Floridian slipped.

It was too embarrassed to correct. They're like, are you sure? I see that. Did you ask her for four keyboards? Yeah, I did. Why don't you mind your own fucking business? I guess I would want to know like why, like, what do you think you need so many for? Is it so, is it because you keep finding better ones?

Because I own a lot of like, Mises. I own a lot of, um, headphones. I mean, I'm okay. Maybe she's really heavy handed and she keeps like breaking the keys. Yeah. And also for her to keep finding better ones and by four in the same week, that is predicated on her like seeing a keyboard at Best Buy, grabbing it, running it up to the cashier supermarket sweep style,

and then going back onto the floor like, okay, ah, fuck, there's another one. Oh, no returns, huh? Okay, fuck. Also, I'm not all that up on technology and computers and whatnot, but what kind of keyboard advancements have there been in the last, I don't know, say, week? I'll see, there's more than you'd think. Yeah.

Really? What kind of features does a keyboard offer? My keyboard. This one now with more letters. My keyboard's wireless. My keyboard is very light. My keyboard turns on when you wave your hand over it and glows from within. Did you get that, did you get that keyboard with the new letter on it?

This has Z2. Z1 and Z2. Yeah, Z2. It's the sequel to Z. What? This has Z and Z, which is pretty cool. I can't give advice here because I'm too perplexed. If I had 11 keyboards, I would just run.

I would just run away from my house as fast as I possibly could. Can I say something here? I don't mean to be a downer, but if we can't find a logical reason why Kara has 11 keyboards, maybe it's, and then she asks us if she needs help or if she's just weird, maybe it's that first one. Maybe, maybe you do need to talk to somebody about keyboards. It's like, I was watching David Hasselhoff on Same Name, of course last week, and he was, he was working in the electrical industry because David Hasselhoff that he was replacing

was working in the electrical industry, and they went to fix a giant breaker, a giant electrical breaker, and he was cleaning it out, and David Hasselhoff said, I don't even know where the electrical breaker is in my own home. If the lights go out at my house, I move. Hey, Dave. That's the kind of keyboard relationship. Dave, I. Oh, so she doesn't know how to clean it, so she just buys a new one.

I think that, Dave, I really appreciate everything you've done for our show, but you can't have that much money left, dog. You can't have more than, I'm going to say, a hundo thou in the bank right now at this very moment. He's got a guaranteed revenue stream because every time things get tight, he sells a shitty black car to somebody and says it's the real kit. Oh man. This is the real one they used in the show. Believe this.

I can't believe I'm partying with this. This is a minivan. Yeah, no, that was it. They just filmed it from weird angles. Bye, Feeny. This is the real kit. Treat him nice. Too good.

Thanks for the hundo grand. He said it's not a big deal of a problem for him. My younger brother has a tendency of doing overly romantic things for his girlfriend. For example, I almost thought that was going to say me, and I thought this was going to be the best question ever. I got so excited. For example, he took her to see the sunrise on the east coast of Florida, went skydiving, had a fancy dinner, and then watched the sunset on the west coast of Florida.

How can I avoid looking like a jerk to my girlfriend when my younger brother is clearly setting the bar too high with his girlfriend, says Dan. That's the sweetest thing I have ever read. Hey, bad news, Dan. You better worry about looking like a bad boyfriend to us. Like start with us and then work to your girlfriend. Because I'm impressed with your brother. I'm impressed with Dan's brother.

Dan Jr. But keep in mind, that date sounds great, but it may have been super stressful because he watched the sunrise on the east coast of Florida. He's like, get the fucking car. We got to go. Get in the car. We're racing the sun. I think you got to give up.

Love forever. Or go away. Or move away so that nobody ever hears about your younger brother's exploits. Because he is some sort of genetically engineered lethario that can't be beat. That's the sweetest thing I've ever read. A sunrise and a sunset and then went skydiving. Maybe you could hope that eventually and inevitably he'll run out of things to do and then he'll just start repeating himself.

Oh, right. I don't think he'll ever run out of things to do. I think date two is somehow they're going to go to space. I was going to say that. We watched the sunrise from the moon. Dan, I think your best point is to secretly, covertly tear down your brother when he's not in the room. So let him tell the story and then as soon as he leaves the room,

you lean over to your girlfriend and say, secretly, he does not have a penis. Or secretly, he's very abusive. Like something where it's going to tear Dan Jr. down and build you up and not true. It can't be true. Like what do you want, baby? You want the sunset every night? Or do you want a man who has a penis? Your call.

Do you want a man with a penis? Or do you want to see like taste oranges from every part of the state? Because he bought you a big box of them. Eat all these oranges. I love you. I'm sorry about my no penis. I'm like a kindle down there, but I'm hanging you to space. This is the weirdest card on a floral bouquet I've ever received.

Yeah, Dan Jr., what would you like the card to say? Sorry, I'm all smooth down there. Eat these oranges. I love you. Hey, check out sunset. Look up. Look up. Look up.

Roll it down. Roll it down. Ain't nothing for you there. It's my own orange grove. I love you. I styled my pubes to look like a penis. I love you. It's very romantic.

How did we not think of that? How did we not think of that when we were talking about the pubes question to make your pubes look like another penis? Another bigger penis. I'm sorry. A penis armor, as it were. A penis jerkin. Yeah, a gherkin jerkin.

A gherkin jerkin. A jerkin. A jerkin jerkin. A merkin jerkin. Stop. A merkin jerkin lurkin. Turduckin. I styled my pubes to do a turduckin.

Dan, I think you just got to chill on this for a bit, because Dan Jr. is going to get his heart broke sooner rather than later. I mean, everyone's romantic style is different. And maybe yours is more sustainable. It is universal. When Dan Jr. gets his heart broke, this shine is going to come right off that love apple. Going to come right up off it.

Sure, yeah. Today, I'm taking you to this table at Denny's, and then we're going to move to another table at Denny's, provided this is not an inconvenience. Why are you crying, staff? Why? I miss the sunsets. I miss my penis.

Bad things happen. That's where you get a sausage factory for you. Grow up. Learn to love again. I can't. I'm Dan Jr. Dan Jr. Griffin's right. Dan Jr., he is in a sprint.

And Dan is in a marathon. So you're saying Dan Jr. is playing a young man's game? Dan Jr. is playing a young man's game. That's exactly it. They're going to bench him in the 15th outing. Wow. Yep. You know what I mean?

Nope. You know, he's going to get a couple of hitems, and he's just going to ice it in the showers. You know? I don't know. Are these croquet terms? Why have I never heard these before? He's going to get a few hoops.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. A few long, some hung them, some RBAs. Tell you, and Dan, here's the other thing. He's your younger brother. Go to him and tell him to fucking cheese it. Yeah. Say, Dan Jr., can you cheese it with that?

Can you please keep it to yourself if you're going to keep doing it, which you should not. Hey, Dan, I spoke to every other guy in the world ever, and you're making us all look bad. Not me? Yeah. You guys don't know my style. You know what I do?

I give a lady two sunsets in a day. Like you cross that international date line? I fly backwards across the world, and I catch that. I catch the sunset, the sequel. You catch the 11 o'clock. Uh-huh. I get on my private jet in my G6, and then- G6?

And we fly, and we just keep catching and just chase that sun. Do we have time for one more question, or do we need to wrap up? We have time for one more Yahoo! question. Okay. This one is sent by- Make a good one. This one is sent by Michael Manie. Thank you, Michael.

Hey. Hey, you know that guy. He was also the artist of the amazing Giant Squad Backload versus Donner here. Oh my God. You should be following us. If you have not seen it, follow us on Twitter, please. Follow him on Twitter, too.

He's just Michael Manie. Yeah, Michael Manie. It's MAY and E. Yeah, who answers your bunny asks. Do ghosts see you when you are having sex or when you are using the toilet? I think my house is haunted, and I don't mind, but I was thinking that if it was my dead granddad

or anyone else I know who has died, then it'd be embarrassing if they saw me naked or doing things with my husband or on the toilet. Hey, dummy. Here's the thing. Let's play into the premise that your house is haunted with your granddad. Do you think that in the ethereal plane,

he's really super duper worried about what you're doing on the toilet? Yeah, that'd be really weird of your grandpa. Was your grandpa like a nasty freak? Is that like something you do? Like poke his head in ghost head style? Like, well, what's going on in here? Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize. If he was in that, I won't keep you. If he was a nasty gramps in real life, then I have no reason to believe he won't be a nasty gramps in the afterlife. You know, the idea of a ghost is that after they die, they had unfinished business. If his unfinished business is to peep on you

while you're doing it or hitting the toilet, then... If his unfinished business is your unfinished business, then... I can't move on until I watch you do. I can't move on until you make a movement. I would watch people fuck all the time as it goes, so... Eat your ghost popcorn. What is this question? Of course they fucking do.

Are ghosts not allowed to watch you fuck? Like, if you have sex in a room with a ghost in it, the ghost is like, oh, gotta go. This is awkward. Are they just colorblind? Like, they can't see naked people? Don't be a child. This is...

Don't be a child. Of course ghosts are watching you have sex all the time. You're not allowed to believe in ghosts and hauntings and also believe that ghosts aren't going to watch you fuck and use the bathroom. Because of course they do. The reason the rest of us are out here in fucking same town is because that idea is too creepy.

I can't even begin to believe that there are not only ghosts, but they're watching me do. Do you know why it's creepy? Almost a trillion people have walked the earth. Almost one... Really let that number sink in. A trill of people have walked the earth. The space is gotta be weird just kind of like a vlog of ghosts.

So what you're saying is the chances that when I am shooting a duke, there is a ghost not only watching me, but occupying the same space that I am. You are shooting at a ghost. You are not only having sex with your wife, you're having sex with like three to four ghosts that are in happening in the same space as your wife's. We need to deal with this astral infestation. This is ridiculous.

Really bad. Many of them have gone to hell. Oh, okay. For watching people use the bathroom. That's the secret about ghosts. That's the one rule of ghosts is that you get to walk the earth, but if you watch people have sex or make a BM, or if you actually see a penis or a boob, you go to hell.

It's silly. There's no appeal. So I'm suggesting that we could really get rid of these trillion ghosts if we all just walk around with our dicks out. My ghosts... What are you doing? They'll say as I walk down the street with my dick out, and I'll just say ghost busted.

Busted makes you feel good. Busted makes you feel good, which explains how fully erect I am. Don't mind me. What are you doing? I'm killing ghosts. Well... Makes me feel good.

It's finally happened. Finally happened. Griffin's chasing ghosts around with his penis. So... Did you guys hear Ray Parker Jr. got locked up for public exposure? We got a button. We got to get him out.

He's the only one who can stop... Oh my... There's a joke about me calling my penis Slimer in here. Give me a second. Okay, we'll just take a break. Okay. All right. I'll tell you what, we'll do some housekeeping,

and then we'll come back. Okay. And you can tell us the joke about your penis being named Slimer. You can follow us on Twitter. We're mbmbam at mbmbam, I guess. We have forums at maximumfund.org. You can email us mbmbam at maximumfund.org. And we got a forum string question in here.

So I'm going to start checking those again. So if you want to hit us up on forum string, you can. I suggest Gmail though. It's much more direct. Yeah. It's easier to catalog too. There are other maximum fund podcasts that you would enjoy. Check out Jordan, Jesse, go to the Sound of Young America.

Stop podcasting yourself. Our friends, our close personal friends. Also, we have t-shirts for sale. All the t-shirts are back in. They're all at maxfundstore.com. Some were sold out, but they are all back, all sizes. And any ones you want, some are running low. I see that the 2X has gone on back order.

Those will be back in momentarily, I'm sure. But most all the sizes are there. So go get them if you're buying them. And if you're interested in getting a personal message or a business message, go to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron. And fill out the forms there and send us your money. And your message in one night. As always, thank you so much to you guys for listening.

Not just listening, but also spreading the word to people. A lot of people, like a smart buddy, Joshba, Patrick Neville, Brendan from Beer, spreading the word. A lot of people trying to get the Onion AV Club to review us. I really appreciate that. Thanks to Indie Mike. Special thanks to all of our wonderful Twitter friends, but all of our real life friends that are going out there

and talking to people in the real world. Maybe you're telling your friends about it at work or something like that and you're taking a chance to mention it on Twitter. So thank you if you're doing, you know, fighting the good fight. And I want to thank our best friend of all, John Roderick and the Long Winners for letting us use the song. It's a departure as our theme song.

You can get that song and a bunch of other really good songs on the album, Putting the Days to Bed, which is on iTunes. So go buy it, silly. So I, dumb, dumb. All right. This final yahoo is sent in by Gray Dottridge. It's by yahoo, it's your suzer. Chris Monsanto, who asks,

Is family matters an accurate portrayal of African American families? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin Coco McElroy. This is for my brother and my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips.