My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 658: Bro's Better, Bro's Best: Ch. 231-243

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

We’re on the road, so we’re bringing y’all a throwback best-of clip show, including the historic first ever Haunted Doll Watch.  Suggested talking points: Teen Google, Beef Nuggets, Caterpillar Mysteries, Stroking to Death, Salmon Burgers, Spanky Gazpacho, Babypizza  Brady United: https://www.bradyunited.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? To a precious friendship I could've never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life, it feels like

It's better, it's better with you My life, it's better, it's better with you This is true, it's better, it's better with you My life, it's better with you I'm your minimalist brother, Travis McElroy Are you ready for some football? Hey guys, it's me, it's uh... Football Bobcat Goldthwaite?

No, mine, it's me, it's uh, it's BoSafus Hank Williams, uh, Hank Williams Jr. Hank Williams Jr. Hank Williams Jr. Hank Williams, quote, BoSafus Jr. BoSafus Jr. Hand it over to my friends Are you ready for some football?

How many names do you have? I'm very worried about you, uh, Mr. Williams, you sound like you are coming down with something, have you been inhaling so far? Look, I am coming down with something, coming down with football, a fever! Are you ready for some football? It's gonna be a party! Mr. Williams, could you explain to Justin that he still has to record an hour-long show after this? He shouldn't pry his voice if he weren't doing anything Listen, it's super old, sonny, let me sing my fucking song!

Are you ready for some football? BoSafus, to put this in terms that you can... Oh, just once, can I get through the fucking song? I just want to warn you that just in football, like, terminology, this is just like the beginning of the first inning and you don't want to blow out your treasure Yeah, no, that's a great point Are you ready for some football? Why do you sound like an animal?

You know, I can stop doing the fucking voice a lot quicker if you let me get through my goddamn song once Just once, once, once, once Will you get him next time, Gadget? Are you ready for some football? It's gonna be a party! Gotta toss the gridiron around, make sure everybody touches it If all of your players don't touch the ball, then you're never gonna win the game Hey, I'm inspired, Griffin

I'm inspired Let's start with the yahoo this time I know, right? This is the opposite day? Let's start with the yahoo this time This is fun, this is fun precedented Also, you don't have the email open, do you? I'm trying to finish ordering the pizza

You're fucking going on a pizza adventure, no way I'm gonna sit here obstinately Let me zest my baby for a second while you do your dumbass show You zest your baby on your own goddamn time Yeah, it is That's my favorite Dr. Spock book, by the way It's post 5 p.m. I am on my own goddamn time

I'm trying to feed my baby Can you feed her dumb shit? Pizza I'm trying to get my baby delicious Listen, we're trying to get this baby flavor blasted in here and Griffin's coughing his swag Do you know how much focus it takes to be on the Pizza Hut website and order a full baby bottle of marinara?

Justin, I thought that you guys were breastfeeding marinara, it's us So, genetically, it just didn't fan out for us Which celebrity would you like to stroke your hair if you were dying? You are lying on your deathbed and are about to merge with the infinite You can summon any celebrity, living or dead, to stoke your hair as you fade away Who would it be? Harvey Feierstein Oh, sorry, that's not in there, but I just got so excited about my answer

But of course it would be Harvey Feierstein Griffin Griffin, you're dying You're going to be with Jesus Gonna be with Jesus soon Against all odds Harvey Feierstein is outlived you I'll carry on your legacy

I'll tell the tales of your bravery Oh wait, Griffin, I'm dying too, can you stroke my hair? Griffin We'll do like a yin-yang of stroke We'll do a hair stroking dying 69, Griffin You actually sound like the female frog woman from Rocco's modern life Rocco You're jumping in the path of that bullet for me

That mugga's assailant was coming for me and you saved my life You're a hero, Griffin Oh, fuck, that's good You're the greatest man I've ever met, I'll never forget you It'll be good For several reasons, one, I bet he's very tender in that situation But he has a good bedside manner when somebody's shuffling off That's why I can hear him say, it's okay

It's gonna be okay It's gonna be a piece It's hard to say shh in a Harvey Feierstein voice It just sounds like a malfunctioning robot Also, I feel like after like a few minutes of it, I would just sort of be ready To just like not hear it anymore, to just be like anywhere else Including the infinite that I'm about to merge with I think Tommy Lee Jones would shame me into coming back to life

Oh, shit What do you think you're doing? You're trying to fall asleep to die You're ready to die now Come back to life I should have known that Coward I should have known that this question was going to surface the fact that we're fucking bad at impressions I don't know what you're talking about, we are nailing this

Now, what if Tim Curry was there stroking that? Griffin Griffin The impression all three of us can do slam dunk Griffin, I brought you a fresh cheese pizza It's full of adrenaline I'll shove it straight in your heart, Griffin See you met my faithful Saint Peter

All that would be good I would do Channing Tatum just because I'd like to like hang out with him The one thing that we're not addressing here is it's great to meet these awesome celebrities But who's going to be the best one that's stroking your hair, you know what I mean? Because I think Channing Tatum is going to end up being pretty lazy about it Yeah, and he would like do like a bro laugh Yeah And that's not going to make you feel comfortable

I want to be soothed, how about this, let me hit you guys with this, Dolly fucking a pardon Oh, that's a good one Very good I would do that today I would do that today I would die today if I could get Dolly Parton to stroke my hair while I go While I shuffle Can I say somebody who I think would be surprisingly good would be John Favreau

I feel like John Favreau You know what, yeah, because he makes it special He does, you know, he makes everything a little fun You watch Zathara and you think like this is going to be like a dumb space jumanji Rip off some dax shepherd action But then you know what happens there at the end, they make it kind of special, don't they? They do make it special What do you guys think about this?

Ving Reims Oh, damn Ving Reims Yeah, probably surprisingly tender I mean, he's no Michael Clark Duncan who would have been a fantastic Well, this says you can summon any celebrity living or dead So, oh my god, how could that? Okay, that's a game over

Well, no I'm going to summon Jesus Yeah, of course, Jesus, hey, what's up, where am I? You're in a hospital, I'm dying, cool So did you need anything? Yeah, can I get in heaven? I guess, sure, cool boob Perfect, perfect

Oh, I should have asked him to keep me from dying Oh, too late Plugging in an electro heater Am I here, cats? Boy, that was sort of a jarring moment for the cats too Like this is the entity that is charged with keeping us from dying This is our lot in life You think the cat's sitting there from the door going, no, don't plug it in

What are you doing? Idiot Idiot Come on I would have done to keep those kitties warm What? Snuggled them Snuggle them

Well, one of Justin's cats is snuggle averse I've never touched one of Justin's cats I don't think anybody has This has been Kitty Talk This has been Kitty Talk We're talking about our little bitty kitty Welcome to the little bitty kitty committee I'm Justin McRoy

Justin McRoy I love my kitty I'm grrrr Risen McRoy Like a grrrr, like a grow Cause my kitty's like a lion I'm Travis McRoy My workplace has become prank central

Oh, the kitty's getting in the mist, yo Kitty's getting in the milk and mist Over at all my sardines go My work and also all of my accounts Oh god, they clean me out The cat liquidated me This Yahoo was sent in by Level 862

Shaman, Drew Davenport And yes, he leveled up this week Because he fucking crushed it this week Thank you, Drew Davenport This might be an all-Drew episode, spoilers So, Yahoo answers user James who asks When a caterpillar is making a cocoon Does it know it's going to become a butterfly

Or is it just like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Okay, wait, I'm confused by the question What am I even doing right now? Do they mean, while it's making the cocoon Is it going, what the fuck is happening Or do they mean like, the caterpillar's going I've got nothing to do I'm just going to stay inside my weird shell thing

But see, that's the thing, it doesn't It's never made a weird shell thing, right? They just do that the one time, right? They can't switch between butterflies and caterpillars At will, they're not fucking like lycanthropes They just do it the one time So they're just like up in a tree And then all of a sudden like, I imagine it is

Somewhat similar to the first time That you discover a jaculate And then that starts happening And then all of a sudden you're in it And you're like, wait a minute What am I even doing right now? What is this? It's all over me

It's all over, why did I do this? It's got to be confusing as shit to be a caterpillar And be like, I was supposed to hang out with Steve today I went over to his place And there was just like a weird hanging shell thing Yeah, I don't understand that Wait, what am I doing with my butt right now? What am I doing with my butt right now?

What does this mean? Dad? Flat, flat, flat, flat, flat It's got to be your dad butterfly You've got to be like, I don't know, never happened to me I'm born a little like this Whoa, you must be like super sick or something I've never seen

We got to get to the bug doctor Or just say like, I'll see you in six years I've got to be in this thing for six years? Yeah, you'll probably die in there Come on That shit's got to be crazy Wouldn't it be great? Just the very idea of that

If human beings for the first like 30 years Looked one way And then went to sleep for like two years And they woke up and they were like birds And everybody was just like, yeah, that's normal That's just how it, that's what you do We have the internet, right? As soon as a silken thread

Emerges from the tip of my penis I can very quickly be like Siri, Siri, what's coming out of my penis? What does it mean? What does it mean? It's just like chill, chill, chill Griffin Chill, chill Boss Hog Because that's what I told Siri to call me Chill Boss Hog, it's going to be cool

You're cocooning and pretty soon you're going to come out And this is what you're going to look like And I'm going to go awesome Caterpillar's going to go Siri They don't, they just get up in a tree Silken thread And that's got to be so scary Is it possible we're giving the caterpillars

Too much credit that maybe like It starts coming out and they just go, okay I'm down, whatever, fuck it I guess this is my day now Sure, caterpillars really Easy going insect I'm apparently the Matthew McConaughey bugs Yeah, cool, whatever

You know, yesterday I tried I tried an Oakley for the first time Today I'm going to be trapped in a weird thing That came out of my butt, sure, whatever I listened, I listened to Fusion Jazz For the first time I tried Cuban food Very spicy, but I liked it

I did not hate it So I'm down for the adventure, you know what I mean Let's just see what happens I've never seen a butterfly come out Of a cocoon Actually, you know what, I think I have seen a video Of a butterfly coming out of a cocoon and they fly away How the fuck does that happen?

Explain that to me, science, because it's not like You get wrapped up in a cocoon Silk comes out of your butt You're wrapped up in a cocoon and then when the silk is done Coming out of your butt A caterpillar book comes out of your butt That says how to fly You want it to be more like

Greatest American Hero Without the manual, they're just flying around Slamming into trees Or just fall, they just fall Don't you think statistically There has to have at least once That a caterpillar went into a cocoon And then the cocoon opened up

And he was still a caterpillar And he was just like, ah, damn it Must be such a bummer when you're Find out you're a butterfly You're flying around, that's great And then you're like, so what do I eat now? Turns out it still leaves I'm almost certain it's like

Like a juice or some sort The juice of the flower They like pollen and dung And tree sap and rotting through Human beings Other butterflies We don't know anything about Bugs or anything, I guess

Even bugologists are like butterflies Man, they're crazy They're crazy I bet there's an entomologist Listed at our show They're like really excited And then really sad I've been waiting for this butterfly moment

This whole time I thought they were close There was something I care about They had that one episode Where they talked about the Ashen Kutcher film Butterfly Effect And I thought that was going to be my moment But very little of that discussion

Was based on the physiology of butterflies Here we go Time to buck up, I'm dead now One time I went on a second date To see the film 127 hours I forget how many hours that man Was trapped between those rocks

There was a bunch of hours I think it was 127 hours And I actually did throw up in my mouth While I was watching the movie And it was, it was super, like If you're going to throw up in your mouth I did it probably as smooth as you could do it But yeah

It was like two hours in It was like chewing through his own bone veins And I was like, whoa, hold up That's fucked up But I didn't know you had bone veins And Homeboy was like Going to Golden Corral on those motherfuckers And so I threw up a little bit

In my mouth, literally I know that's a thing people say It can, it can happen to you While you're watching 127 hours And I thought I played it off real smooth But we didn't see each other again Jane, if it makes you feel any better I, the first girl I ever actually dated

Our first date Was bowling with her family Be cool, you guys, be cool She's coming out for the first time ever I didn't even know that And our second date was seeing Bridges of Madison County Nice I spent

I can top that, I can top that Wait, I can top that Wait, not a joke I spent the, well it felt to me Five hours and 30 minute running time Of Bridges of Madison County Putting my arm around her So, literally

Show me how to Even if you had time lapse It would look like this And I mean literally this is accelerated Right, like five hours Elapsed in about 30 seconds She would not, she would have By the fucking time

She was swept away By fucking Clint Eastwood Spoilers Okay, sorry By the time the credits rolled She would have sworn with her hand On the Bible That my hand had always been on her shoulder

That was the speed at which That has always been there Will always be there Justin's hand, I think it was There was moss connecting Right In shoulder I went on a first date

To see the notebook Okay And I No brush I wept like a baby Yeah And she did not All right

And I chose to never see her again Because she was a robot Bounces off you First date I went on with this With a young lady We were in My god fuck

Like middle school And it was also my first date Ever And I went to see The Prince of Egypt The animated movie With Donnie Osman Got lured

For these I get you laid So, I guess what we're saying Jane is, did that help? We're saying you could have Fucked up so much Whereas this was like Yeah, this was Yeah

He didn't deserve you Yeah You're way better than that You said I made love On a cat on a patio Well, that was my favorite Jimmy Buffett song Stay

And my favorite scene From Garfield Tale of Two Kitties Stay Stay put Fluffy That's almost done Do you think that's what Cheeseburger and Paradise

That song is about Is that Jimmy Buffett Was starving to death On a family vacation He didn't pay for And then a miracle burger Just appeared on his Naked chest

Just floating Floating in the area To chase it down the beach It's not, it's not Your time, James Cheeseburger to Paradise Cheeseburger I found in the trash

In laws Leftovers Half of a burger Some old French fries And half of a cake It's just done Cheeseburger I found in the trash

Cheeseburger Or else I'll die I like my Before the packets Get to it Next to the ketchup But not next to Tempons

The culture The culture I fear None of that Is in the garbage Oh well It's just done Cheese

Cheese Temponi And Paradise Can't be too picking When you're close to the edge Jimmy, I don't think We can release this song Use your imagination

To just get it down Jimmy, could you come to my office? I want to talk to you About your latest single Yeah, it's just there It's just there They're might They're probably not going to be

Yeah, it turns out It's the most popular song ever We can't open up ourselves It's uniting the world Like wild stallions He had to travel 800 years to the future To pin

Cheese Tempons In Paradise What happens though When a vampire Bites a werewolf I made the werewolf goes What the fuck? Whoa

But does he gain So, okay Most of the mythology I've seen Is that a vampire has to feed on you And you have to feed on a vampire And normally you wouldn't think That a werewolf would do this But you would have to assume

A vampire bites a werewolf They're locked in combat, correct? We can all agree Vampires and werewolves Are better enemies Look in your hearts Watch fucking vampire diaries Or Twilight

Or any of our home movies You'll see Vampires and werewolves Are better enemies So, the vampire has bit the werewolf The werewolf has probably Been the vampire 69 in

60 I wanna hear Griffin's story now You're out You're out Jessica, tag me in 60 bite? Is that a thing? Started the beginning

And talk slow Well, it's not They're not really They're not really 69ing It's just, you know You do a double note They're 16, 69ing

Oh, shit Is there eternal? I figured it out Nothing? Nope It's fair They bite each other on the next Same time

Boom, right? And then they What? What's your addition? Do you know? You saw the answer? No, he's saying whisper Make it clear

Oh, you want me to whisper my answer? ASMR this, whisper it ASMR I guess everybody's thing I need to complete that or silence I can't finish You can't fucking laugh You do a bite, 69

And They both just like Just suck that Shut up We're never going to get a YouTube smash hit They both suck that Monster flew it out So hard

And then But they both suck all of it out All of a sudden The vampire's a werewolf Werewolves a vampire They fucking Swish All their fluids around

They do a complete fluid rotation Vampires a werewolf, werewolves a vampire Oh, so not like a vamp werewolf Or were a vampire They're like they switch places No, I'm saying a complete 100% Fluid transaction Do you think we could make

Total monster confersion I need a look at Gryffindor's face And how happy he is about this Just think about it First of all, why is a werewolf sucking blood? That's not his M.O. He's thirsty, what do you want from him? This is in a by-level billion

Drew Davenport Thank you, Drew It's by Yadru Answers user Masteramod, who asks Can anyone tell me who invented hatred? I mean, in other words Which specific individual that created Invented the idea of hatred

In the first place The answer is the devil That's Kane That's actually the top Top answer on Yadru Answers So thank you, Travis By which I mean Travis By which I mean Yadru Answers user

Wooferduff Who provided that answer for Kane Is that really where it came from? Like, biblically speaking Kane was like Ooh, dude Ooh, I'm gonna get that, Abel Yeah

They were kind of a They were very much like a Roadrunner in Coyote kind of thing So nobody up to that point Like, it was fucking There were only three other people Right, but Abel Like fucking kicks Abraham in the shins

Cause he's a shitty little kid And Abraham's like Thank you, I guess Abraham wasn't there, Griffin Yeah, it was Abraham, father Abraham Kane, Abel Uh-huh

Adam Uh-huh Not Steve, though That's important I've always found this story confusing Because I remember being in church camp And the guy, the youth pastor Made a big deal of

This is the first murder in the Bible This is the root of murder Kane and Abel And then as I was walking back To my door room Probably to masturbate I thought to myself You know what?

He's also the first person to die Which must have been a trip for Kane Whoa, wait, what? Whoa, hey, bro Dude, I hit him really hard And now he's not getting up I just like, Abel, get up I like hitting him with a rock

As a fucking goof Like, what the fuck I even said, heads up When I did it It was supposed to be like a thing Abraham, yo Abel's like, stopped Abel, like, stopped

There's not even a word for it Is there a word for this? He just stopped I broke didn't You know what? I had an Abel, but I breaked him What happened? I never thought about it

But it's like Edison, Einstein, Kane He invented death Yeah That's pretty big And hatred I don't know how much more We're gonna agree on this But Griffin, do yourself a solid

And stop referencing Abraham Because you were exponentially Increasing the number of tweets You're about to receive From the Bible The Venn Diagram crossover Of biblical scholars And my brother, my brother, my listeners

Please, just go get a life scale It's a great website Great service, Justin I do need to know if Team Google is taken Yeah And if you're going to buy it And if it's gonna read it If it's a weird porn site

Excuse me, time out I just bought Team Google That's the best one there That's the best in my life We're going to be rich I can't believe this Oh, man We are going to make that

We are going to make that redirect To the Mubumbama website for a long time Until Google buys it from you For $55 million We'll be rich Oh, my God, so worth it How much was it? Cancel the show

I can't even deal with the show anymore No, we're the owners of Team Google Who are rich How's the owner of Team Google Supposed to worry about Making a comedy podcast Have you tried Team Google? Well, it's time for Extreme Team Google

I feel like in another browser window I'm winning the lot Like, I'm in the process of winning the lottery I can't even focus on this show right now I'm the owner of Team Google I'm like, will it play for tees? Doing jokes about ghosts and voters and shit When I'm the web domain raster

Of Team Google I can't do anything with that URL That's my fucking meal ticket And you are all here for a tweet Oh, man Do we need to pause the podcast So you can call Sydney And tell her about the amazing

Reversal of fortune you've experienced It's like sobbing You'll never guess It's all happened You'll never guess In six months we're going to be in a Protracted legal battle with Google It's all we ever dreamed

It's everything we ever wanted Oh, God Oh, Christ Okay, so it's time for you to try Naturebox For free For free Maybe you don't own Team Google Maybe you can't afford a free box of snacks

We get it Not everyone's the owner of Team Google Just go to Naturebox.com Slaps my brother And even non-Team Google owners Like you can try Free Snacks Normies is what we call them Just go to Naturebox.com

Slaps my brother Now, peasant Brothers, please go to Team Google.com Christ, it looks good Yeah, and there it is It looks good in the search bar That's a good-looking Earl It looks exactly like what it is

What I need to do is I need The problem is I need to I need to turn on masking I need stealth redirection Yeah, yeah Okay Well What's the list so far?

We got MySmoothFace Team Google, of course I feel like you bought one very recently Let me see what I have It's bad that you- I think you have a compulsion Because you own too many health I have BooBooNanny.com

BooBooNanny.com These all- These largely go to My brother, my brother, me BooBooNanny.com FartPatrol.com GriffinSpaceJam.com is a different website

that we also own but GriffinSpaceJam.com MySmoothFace.com And now Welcome to the family Team Google.com To the-

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Oh, good. Yeah, you're in for a treat. Listen, again, seriously, though, can't like this is horny stuff. This is horny stuff, y'all. This is really horny stuff. If you got this is this is grade A horny material. If you got net nanny, she is going to throw down several flags over.

This is NSFW like team Google dot com. Right. Well, no, team Google isn't. No, we've been getting a lot of tweets and emails from people that apparently team Google dot com. Oh, yeah. Team blocked by a lot of by a lot of net nanny ask sites. People can't check team Google at work. Net nanny is probably also listened to the show before

and she probably knows the foul nature of our doing. Slipshine dot net slash in BMW and go right now after you master, right? Yeah, to that, to that, you'll be hungry. It's better. It's better with you. It's better. It's better with you.

You know what? Oh, OK. This is a great show I'm enjoying. What are you listening to ask today? This show kicks ass. The same shows the listeners listening to. Oh, really? Brother and me.

You know, I've heard it's really gone downhill. No, it hasn't. Actually, that's a popular misconception. I heard they don't make it anymore. They do. They do. Oh, yeah. They make it.

You're hearing it now. Well, actually, this is the best of clip shows. So you're not really. We're not. This is a proof that we're still making it. And if it's good, it's old good. So yeah. But you know what?

This these shows, these best of clip shows, you're only hearing our voices, but you wouldn't hear these come together without our staff like Rachel and Amanda working behind the scenes to pull together great clips from the show for you to enjoy. But you know who we don't talk enough about? What? There's two people.

No. I want to talk about George who does all of our shipping. I say it's short for Jordan. See, that's what I'm saying. I don't even know. I know so little about him and he does all of our shipping for us. And he's eight feet tall.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of them he can reach. Yeah. He can reach. He can reach. We put him on the shelves and then the shelves grow. The houses.

There's a lot of houses he can just reach. He can get up. He can get up. Jordan goes door to door to ship our stuff. He doesn't need to. He doesn't need to. He just reaches over. He just reaches over.

He was big on. And he's got massive, massive chucking speed. So he could like. He throws so fast. I'll get to him really. Guys, I've seen his trading card. I know what his chucking speed is. What is this ad even for?

What's about stamps.com? And I was trying to talk about Jordan, our shipping boy who does our shipping for us. And he used the stamps.com to handle over our heavy shipping. He's 12 years old. We gave him a job. And his answer to that is to hire stamps.com to do the shipping for him.

That's what I'm saying. We don't appreciate it. Jordan is a middle man. He's a jobs creator. He's a jobs creator. He's a jobs creator. He's a jobs creator. He's 12 years old.

He's eight feet tall. He's 100%. He's a mountain of a man. 16 foot. He's so tall. Yeah. Mountain of a boy really. Stamps.com all you need is a computer.

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They have huge. No jorbs. Well, jorbs limited time. Yeah. Jorbs only while supplies last. They got huge carrier discounts up to 84% off USPS and UPS shipping rates. That's wild.

For huge carriers like jorb. For huge boys. Plus stamps.com automatically lets you. Plus stamps. Hold on. Plus stamps.com automatically tells you your cheapest and fastest shipping options. That's great.

I don't want to look around for that shit. I'm busy. Very busy. So you can make time though. Set your business of success when you get started with stamps.com today. Sign up with promo code my brother for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free

digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. Click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code my brother. I want to tell you guys about a competing podcast to ours. Wow. Yeah.

I know. Listen. I know it's a weird. A weird thing. But basically. I just felt like we could throw him a bone. Once a while. There's all these podcasts that are just starting out up there

and I feel like we could do a little bit more to support them. So I want to tell you about comedy bang bang. It's a brand new podcast that started in 2009. I heard of that. Yeah. It's hosted by Scott Ackerman. A year before us. We don't even have longevity on this show.

Yeah. Well, I mean it depends on how you think about time. Certainly. Nobody's done more episodes of a podcast than us at this point. Right. This is so many episodes. It's got to be. Right.

I every for every one comedy bang bang episode. There's three. My brother. My brother means the copy here says it's one of the longest running comedy podcasts out there as if like it's not also like we're not also that's a plus for you. I guess I guess if you like listening to old comedy podcasts, you wouldn't be here.

Right. You like relics. Relics of men. You know what? Let's go ahead and try to do jokes. Let's just comedy bang bang has paid us to talk about the thing. Let's do it in the most effective way possible by narrow casting to the one person who listens to our show and hasn't heard comedy.

What's up Tyler? I know you've been waiting to give comedy bang bang a try. This is it Tyler. This is the time is the perfect time to jump back in or in for the first time. They got Scott Ackerman. Funny. Funny guy.

Funny guy. Tall. I believe. Tall. Funny man. Eight feet tall and he brings in a fun cast of characters. I don't know why I said that. I mean just people.

You said it in such a bad way. You made it sound bad. A real cast of characters. A real cast of characters. And you know what? You know what? If you like shows that turned into TV shows for a while and then we're also continued to be podcasts, then you're we got.

Yeah. If for you cause comedy bang bang. Yeah. It was a TV show for a while too. Just like us. They've had some caught. They have a lot of a lot of zany characters on there played by comedy favorites.

Some of whom I know in real life and many of whom I pretend to know people who have no way of double checking the information. Yeah. Bob Tompkins, Andy Daly, Matt Gorely and Bobby Moynihan. And you know, here's the thing. Everybody, you have no way of knowing if I know Andy Daly or not. You cannot prove it one way or the other. Yeah.

Unless he's done some terrible stuff, which I don't think he has. But if he does, if he's done some terrible stuff, I don't know. I've never fucking met him in my life. If he hasn't, best friends. They're going to get big guests too. Jay Farrow, Sharon Horgan, Andy Sandberg and Zach Galifianakis. I have been saying Sharon Horgan's name wrong. I thought it was Sharon Hogan.

And I've been saying that out loud to anyone who would listen. That's why she doesn't come on our show. Hey guys. Hey listeners. This is getting even more confusing because they get new episodes. Monday. Do you like Monday shows? Do you like Monday shows?

Do you like old, old Monday podcasts that was a TV show for a minute? Good news. Good news. Yeah. Good news. Now here's how you tell the difference. Has Paul left Tompkins ever been on their show? This is like one of those branching decision trees.

Yes. Right where it's like, come out Monday. It's an old. Hey listener, if you've been listening to this show for a while, a review and passing familiarity with us, every fiber of your body is telling you that Paul left Tompkins must have appeared on my brother, my brother be at some point. Nope.

It's a, it's, it almost seems like it's a beef thing. Yes. But it's not. It's not. It's just. It's an impossible beef thing. It seems like beef, but it's not. It's not.

It's not. But hey, listen, you should, you should give this podcast a try. If you have a chance, it could be overwhelming when you listen to a show. It has a bunch of episodes. Just hop in and get, just get on board. Get on the wave. Don't wait for the wave to invite you on. You start the way.

Get on the wave. You are the way. It's 2023. Sun and sea. Surf the vibe. Be the wave. Start the wave. Dive in.

Dive into Scott Ackerman. Dive into Scott Ackerman today. Pray him wide open and hop inside. This is the long side. Like taking first. Like you're on a hot. Fucking money's worth on this one. Like you're on the ice planet, Hoth, and you're freezing to death.

Slice open Scott Ackerman. Climb inside. He's not bad on the outside, but keep yourself warm. Don't freeze to death by sleeping inside Scott Ackerman today. Is this an ad swap? Cause there is no way they are giving us a four minute long. Like, like one act to play. Right.

There's no way. There's probably accurate at the end. Like anyway, my brother, my brother would be fine. No, no, no. I'm sure he's giving us the real talk shit. No, no, no, it's fine. Talk shit. No, yeah.

Talk shit about Scott Ackerman. I don't know. No, no, no. You're right, Justin. You know what? Fuck Scott Ackerman. Justin's right. Hold on.

We're like Scott Ackerman. Yeah. Scott Ackerman. Yeah, get him. They're all great. Just, just my brother. Just listen to comedy. Bang, bang on everybody.

We're fucking dope. Are you helping me listen to my brother and my brother and me? I almost didn't say listen to my brother and my brother and me. This is great. We're ad swapping with ourselves now. Oh, cool. Scott actually just came to my door and delivered the check for $100,000 for this great ad. Stop talking now.

Okay, great. Bye. Stop talking. The following pro wrestling contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way to the ring from the tights and fights podcast are the baddest trio of audio. The hair to beware, Danielle Radford. It really is.

Great hair. The Brit with a permit to hit, Lindsay Kow. The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen. And the fast talking, fist clocking, Hal Oblin. See, I can wrestle and be an announcer. Get ready for tights and fights. Listen every Saturday or face the pain.

Find us some maximum fun. No ring the bell. Hey, when you listen to podcasts, it really just comes down to whether or not you like the sound of everyone's voices. My voice is one of the sounds you'll hear on the podcast Doctor Game Show. And this is the voice of cohost and fearless leader, Joe Firestone. This is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners and we play them with callers over Zoom.

We've never spoken to in our lives. So that is basically the concept of the show. Pretty chill. So take it or leave it, bucko. And here's what some of the listeners have to say. It's funny, wholesome, and it never fails to make me smile. I just started listening and I'm already binging it. I haven't laughed as hard in ages.

I wish I discovered it sooner. You can find Doctor Game Show on MaximumFun.org. I have a new feature I'm bringing to the show. This is a haunted doll watch. I just did. Just in Texas. Just in Texas at two in the morning with this idea that he was so psyched about. I was so psyched about haunted doll watch.

This is my feature that everybody can hate. Haunted doll watch. Live for eBay. Just to set this up for you guys. I have a little bit of information about haunted dolls. This is from Miss Lady on eBay. In an article titled What To Expect From Your Haunted Doll. Hello, this is Miss Lady.

Yes, I am a collector of paranormal items. Dolls in particular. Oh, Christ. I guess a part of me buys the items for curiosity to see what will happen. Also to hope that there would be some particular activity convinced non-believers in my household that these things exist. For whatever the reason to buy these items there are some things to consider. I've purchased a few dolls and noticed that these items, some things do occur first.

I used to buy my items from individuals who would sell many other haunted items. For most of these, I've noticed no paranormal activity. Well, yeah, because I've encountered exactly zero haunted items in my lifetime. There aren't people that just naturally come across 300 that they sell on bulk on Amazon Prime. Be wary of the seller who has hundreds of haunted items. Let's be real. Who could actually acquire all these things? Fuck me.

Does that really say that in the next sentence? Literally the next sentence. The fucking singularity has occurred. I hate to say it. You could purchase a doll and the item wasn't really haunted. Just the item next to it was. Wait, what? Whoa.

So, okay, you get a doll, right? You think you have a haunted doll? And it turns out that the desk it was on was haunted the whole time. The house was haunted. Damn it. Or I hate to say it. You purchased the item that is haunted and the spirit eventually leaves. Yes, it's happened to me.

Wait, why does she hate to say it? I hate to say it. Sometimes the spirit leaves. My whole life is so shitty that a ghost in a doll pops into my house. I was like, what's your seat? What is your this place sucks? Bye. Oh, Justin, my favorite line in it.

I like Anne's Heek dolls because there are more chances of it having actually acquired that energy because it is so old. That's true. Because it bumped up against so many ghosts, I guess. Well, no, I mean, a new doll, you go to the Build-A-Bear Workshop. That is a 100% no haunting guarantee. I would say if you don't want to get a haunted toy for your child, Build-A-Bear Workshop is the only game in town where you will get that 100% guarantee

because you see the manufacturing process from start to finish. There are no ghosts. You pick the color, you pick the felt, you pick the stuffing, you stuff it. It doesn't depend on whether you put a toy heart or a human heart in it. No, don't do the second one. In the box that says haunted, do you want this one haunted? We can shoot it with a ghost ray. You check no on that and you know for sure.

But an old doll, who knows? It's Jumanji, baby. Also, don't check the box that says, do you want this doll to become life-size when you're not around and take your kid on adventures? Don't do it. It seems like a good idea. It seems like fun, but no. They're going to teach them about drugs.

Justin, I demand you buy a haunted doll. And I demand that you start reviewing haunted dolls on YouTube. Haunted doll. Now, okay. I have one haunted doll to talk to you guys about this week. This week's Haunted Doll and Haunted Doll Watch is listed in their Haunted Spirits Doll Caution on EMF meter paranormal magic with companion. I'm looking at a picture of a doll.

With an EMF meter next to it that says caution. Now, it's not danger. This creepy porcelain doll, but it is caution. So there's a spirit. Of course, measure spirit energy. There's a spirit inside, but it may not try to kill your kids. Is what you're saying. It may be cool.

I have there just in the description here to talk about this particular spirit doll. Apparently this question asked was getting a lot of flack about having a doll. There was a caution on the EMF meter and this particular haunted doll owner writes, I've been asked about spirit dolls that are listed as danger. Madame Christine never underlined adopted a spirit that was demonic. She would never expose her other spirit vessels to that. She had a way of knowing if there were trouble and she would not bring them into her home.

All of the dolls, et cetera, they're sold by me are of the white light and they will never hurt. Wow. They get along with other spirit children. And if they are labeled danger by Madame Christine's notes, that's because they were a little troublemakers of some sort or downright brats. Most of your spirit dolls are safe, but there are a few that were considered caution or danger, but not dangerous.

So these are like your super chill, like totally lax, like like haunted doll. Not like your Chuckies. These aren't like serial killer. These are the ones that like maybe they just are going to like hang out with you and say witty things. I guess. Yes. As long as you're of the white light, this, this, this child is going to get along

with you. Just find it. You could buy it now for $125 or make a bid at $55. You would be the first. I, well, I have something to say really quick. I have an apology to make. At this point in the show, I would do a sad lip, but, but they're encouraged him. There's nothing funny about it whatsoever.

We have sustained the Elder Gods to a point where we can manifest our own will in the material plane. So because of that power, we have eradicated it from existence. You're welcome, everybody, but I want to apologize because in the holiday, hustle and bustle, I ran out of time. We'll edit this out, right? Yeah. Yes.

Sure. Okay. And I apologize because I did not write one. Oh, really? Yeah. I just wanted to let you know how we may move on. You know that we had like a super long time to prep stuff and you could have done it during the time where we were upstairs eating subway.

You could have like sat down. You know how much time goes into creating a sad lib. Like four minutes. Four minutes. I saw it. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen it before.

I did not have. That one's unplugged. So I don't know what's going on. And that one's inflated. Wait, hold on. And that one's right in a sweet jet ski. God, if you're not here, guys, you're just not going to get a lot of this stuff that's going on.

What are you doing? It looks like there's something in the stocking. It looks like there's something in the stocking, you say. Oh, no. Oh, no. Thank you. You're doing the Lord's work out there. Wait, it says here that you guys helped with this a little bit.

We did Mary, Mary candle nights. Fun game for the audience. Listen and see if you can pick out what's words. Justin and I submitted to this horrible, horrible bit that has never worked. 231 episodes. Go for Travis. Twas the shunt before candle nights went all through the gulp. Not a corn maze was spelunking, not even a bum.

The dumpos were hung by the commode with Nugget. And the hopes that corn cob boy soon would be Travis. You're going to have to slow, slow down for laughter. Okay. So you got to pause for applause, baby. The dirigibles were nestled all snug in their butt kiss. I get it. While visions of Quasimodo dance in their butts.

That was a good one. And Muman, her buttress, and I in my front butt. Are you guys eight? Had just settled, had just settled our belch for a long winter squeegee. Went out on the flugelhorn. There arose such a jack and ape. I sprang from my jello to see what was the matter. Away to the embryo.

I flew like a skeet to open the Chattanooga and threw open the McLaughster. When what's my wondering razzle-dazzle did appear, but a miniature griffin and eight tiny Jortsman. With a little old with a little old wormy so lively and quick. I knew in a moment he must be St. Moist. Stop it. Now Zebra, now humdrum, now astral on chrysanthemum, on reiterate, on capitulate.

How much should we charge for tickets? Do you remember? He was dressed all in Pumpernickel from his head to his foot. And his pianist were all tarnished with ashes and soot. His forts, how they twinkled. Oh my God. His Teflon, how merry. His cheeks were like Constantinoba.

His nose like a scrum dinoleumches. He was chubby and plump. A right jolly old smackdown. And I puked when I saw him in spite of myself. And laying his molly- Is it the whole thing? And laying his molly- molly coddle aside of his front butt. And giving him a good word, job word, smiths.

And giving in, I'm so sorry. Up the dead Travis, he rose. But I heard him exclaim. And he drove out of sight. Merry candle nights to all. And to all a good worse thing that happens in the podcast. Let's like, if you have a song on your head, by the way, just try to get it out, get over it.

Go on. Listen to the song. Actually listen to the song. That's what did it for me. You have to listen because if you get halfway through something, that's when it gets stuck. So you have to like finish it. And then stop listening to it instead of midstream

because your brain gets hung up on things that are unfinished. And it wants to complete the loop. There's a lot of game design based around that. I'm just a bachelor. Okay. Looking for a partner. Beautiful. I'm loving it so far.

This is very romantic. Yeah. So far, this is good. Someone who knows how to ride without even falling off. Maybe you literally use horseback riding. Hold on. Are you having a problem with people falling off of your pee pee in very sex?

She's really bad at riding. Or you're very. Are you are you bucking down there? What are you doing? Yeah. Yeah. I'm very slippery. I'm very slippery.

I'm not a sex time like master. But I, I, I, you don't buck. Nobody falls. Gotta be compatible. Takes me to my limits. Girl, when I break you off, I promise that you won't want to get off. All right.

You're starting to confuse some of your. Okay. But then he just before you can like contemplate that line, he gets like in case you've been somehow confused, by the layers of horses or is it illusion? Right. Is that horses or is it fucking? Genuine dispels any,

any of that lingering doubt by saying, if you're horny, let's do it. Ride it. My pony. But he could be being, he could be being very obtuse there. And he could be, he could be just speaking politically if you're super horny

to ride a horse. I mean, cause I, that's me like basically every day I'm super horny to ride a horse. More general parlance, not the specific, not the literal horny, but the new vernacular horny. Like I'm really horny to try this burger. Yeah.

I don't want to fuck this burger. Right. No one would want to fuck a burger. But I will. I will if you need me to. If it's going to get me this job. Yeah, sure. Listen, I'm going to be devil's advocate here.

That's what's going to take to sell you this car. I'm going to be devil's advocate here because I feel like people have over sex this song way too much. And I am still unconvinced. It's not about horses. What a pretty fun interpretation of this song is that genuine has never had sex in his life and doesn't know the things that happen in it.

So he imagines that maybe falling off is a problem or maybe someone gets broken off at a certain point or like if it's not compatible because like yours is kind of shaped like this and hers is kind of shaped like that. It's like, well, I'm not going to fit in there. Some people have a duckiness. Just wear a whole round pack. I don't know.

What do you say before you do it? Probably something like really direct. Like if you're horny, let's do it. Do you think that's how people have sex together? Like they say that? I don't know. That makes sense. I can't think of literally any other introduction to the act.

Yeah. Then I'm going to kiss your butt. You're going to kiss my butt? Because that's... Is that what you... I'm going to pinch your elbows now. I don't think... And then he thinks saddles are involved.

My saddle's waiting. Come and jump on it. Now, here's where I think my theory is reinforced. In the next section of Ginny Wine's pony, he has completely exhausted any like imagined sexual prowess that he has and says the lines, sitting here flossing, peeping your steelo.

He's sitting here flossing. Yeah, he knows about oral hygiene. He's got a fucking amazing smile. So I'm not so surprised about that. Peeping your steelics. He's looking over their Pokemon collection. So like, yes. Again, I'm on board.

Is it possible he's so deep into pony play that when he says like you're falling off and like my saddle is ready, he's being literal. Like if you want to do this, put a saddle on me, ride me around the apartment. Do a horsey backer ride.

And then nine months later, you'll poop a baby out of your butt, I think. Yeah. Why there is no beef nuggets. But chicken nuggets. So the whole sentence, why there is no beef nuggets, but chicken nuggets.

Let me try and fix this. Let me take my red pen to this. Why there is no beef nuggets, but chicken nuggets is. That's good. Chicken nuggets is, but beef nuggets isn't. Why am this?

Why that is? Why that is? Just move that is over. You got it. Just pick it up, drop it in the middle of the sentence, nailed it. Thank you, ghost writer. Why there is no beef nuggets though, for real, and I was like, wait. And I was like, wait a minute.

There has to be a lab somewhere where the scientists who make the answer like we tried everything. They've come at it from every angle. It's got a good point though. There ain't no beef nugs, there ain't no pork nugs. There's beef jerky, I guess, but that's like super dry beef.

That's like a different type of thing. And you know, Jack Lynx is on that nugget game now, and they are nuggeting it so right. But I want to see it have more mainstream soft beef appeal. The Ben Bams got that soft beef appeal. But can we get that soft beef appeal at the winnys? You can have a chicken fried steak.

So why don't you have chicken fried steak nugs? Give me those steak nugs. You know Guy Fieri's fucked with some nugs though. You know he's nugged basically everything at this point. If you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. Oh, 420. 420 blaze it.

Beef nugs. Is it because it takes longer to cook? Is that like, is it a scientific problem? I think beef nugs would be good. I think beef nugs would be pretty tight. I'm kind of hungry for beef nugs. I'm kind of in the beef nugs, and it makes me sad because it's very rare that I get hungry

for food that doesn't exist. Usually most of my hunger pangs are tied to extant items. You try to keep it to the corporeal world. I try to keep it to the material realm. But the problem is. I have great ideas. But the problem is.

I crave materia. The specific everlasting cobstopper from the movie. Oh dog, forget about it. Weird colorful candies jutting out. Not like the fake ass jawbreakers that they try to market and sell.

And you stamp it, and you put it on a lunchbox and you put it out there. You're talking about a tasty fruity asterisk. Which is what they're selling there. Yeah, I would party on that. With that thing. Why are there no motherfucking beef nuggets? Okay, now I'm moving on to the third phase.

Where I'm just angry that there aren't any beef nugs. I think the fourth phase is negotiation and the last phase is beef nugs. And then I go out and I acquire the materials needed for nugs. There has to be a reason, right? Like this has to be a thing.

Have we done any research to see if like in 1960 McDonald's had like Mc Beef Nuggets? It's a dipamine. A1, right? Easy answer. We've already got, we have everything. It's not like somebody's like cracking away at a chalkboard

trying to like connect the molecules needed to form this shit. We all know this shit, it's obvious but everybody's too fucking afraid to do it. Not Obama. Last day in office. Supreme judgment, that's the fourth midnight amendment. Oh no, that was the third

and the fourth is nice. Nice, we did it. Not to put you completely in the right. You probably should have said something when your burger came from not only a different animal but a completely different like

That aversion to confrontation is pathological enough that they probably suspected something nefarious in addition to that. Wait a minute, so he just did it? He just ate it? He didn't say anything? He literally, you literally ate

the opposite meat. It's the opposite meat. Here's the spectrum of meat and beef is on one end and salmon's on the other. There's no, how goddamn delicious must that salmon burger have been that it completely removed you from your senses.

Awesome question, ask her in the future. Don't convince yourself that maybe this is what I ordered. That's very sad to me. The scam they're running that's a psychic scam they're running on themselves. They took one bite of that. The first thought was

this isn't what I ordered and then it was so succulent. Salmon, the beef of the sea. Knowing me, I always pick the best thing at a restaurant. I'm sure I've ordered this. Now to jump back to the restaurant being the worst the sheer balls

of the restaurant to say like hey, we brought you the wrong thing, but fuck you. You shouldn't. I gotta say, my position's changing a little bit because you should not have eaten that burgers, sir. Yeah, but he didn't walk up to the counter

and grab it and say this is probably mine. It was handed to him. But okay, but to Griffith's point he should think about the onion a little bit. He got the wrong thing ate it and then carried his trash around the restaurant

and didn't even give her a flag down. I think that maybe as a result of his carelessness, they did waste a meal. Toby's Double Burger is not made of burgers. They serve them, but the building itself needs

money and concrete. But to put it in a different context, say he orders a cheeseburger, right? They bring out a burger, no cheese. Travis, that is the biggest false equivalent. We've had some doozers in the false equivalence category on this show. That's the biggest one.

It's like a cheeseburger, but without cheese or meat and also fish is in it. No, I'm just saying that the idea of where does it end because they bring out that burger and then they bring out another burger and it's like, oh, that one was supposed to be mine, but they brought me this one. They're not going to ask for your money in that way. Is it just because

it was the complete wrong protein? That it's like, oh, you fucked up so bad. If these motherfuckers brought him a basket of boneless chicken wings instead of his burger and he eats all the chicken wings and said, oops, didn't even realize it's a whole different food kingdom, but those are free now because they're in me. That's kind of

busted, I think. All you had to say is what chicken wings? It's a perfect crime. Prove it. Well, you're a sloppy boy. It's all over your face. You got burn mouth. I didn't even consider the possibility that maybe it's somebody else's food and you just stole it from them.

I want to double, triple, double back on this again and say that I've switched culpability in my mind from this person to the restaurant for offering something called a salmon burger. No, it's not. It's salmon on bread. Fuck you. A burger has beef

and maybe ground turkey. I would hit you up there. A salmon burger is not a thing. That's like a wish broom. Like, it doesn't mean what, you know, like a wish broom. Like, okay, for what? Those two things don't go together for sleeping

even out the old wishes. It's a dog tank. It's a tank that your dog lives in. They're banana glasses. Glasses for a banana. Why would you even give a banana glass? That doesn't make any sense. That's about as stupid as a salmon burger.

Is the question does anybody here know someone that is nicknamed Gaspacho? Well, you do now. The top answer is from Spanky Gaspacho. He says, I see Gaspacho that is that cold,

emotionless, acidic tomato-based soupy guy. Gazy. That got all suspended by Yamster on Christmas day. Obviously, a beaten up individual bruised by years of haunting. Not like a sweet, juicy, dribbling, tropical mango man smothered with affection from caring

and giving strangers who've taken him under their wing. A truly one side affair for which he is overwhelmingly the person who takes the benefit of other selflessness. What? Wait, is this motherfucker just like a profit for mangoes? I think this

motherfucker is an artificial intelligence who is very slowly and surprisingly sensually becoming self-aware. Are you telling me right now that Spanky Gaspacho

was created in a laboratory? Absolutely. In a lab? Okay, I buy it. Is it possible that the deal is that Spanky Gaspacho represents everything that's wrong with humanity and he realizes, or she realizes

that mango that mango boy or whatever they said was the other person is all the good, right? And while they're in a constant locked struggle with their icy nature versus the juicy nature Spanky Gaspacho also realizes

the beauty and wonder that is mango and wishes they could just be closer to them, but knows that their yin and yang-like structure stops them from ever actually consummating the relationship. That was Travis?

The fucking craziest thing you've ever said. We have done this podcast for 242 years. And you literally just created a goddamn bonkers religion around some

wack yahoo answers shit that you just found. I'm just saying that it's easy for us to judge when we don't know the whole story. I was having a dissociative episode while you were talking because I was so unable to process the words coming out of your mouth.

This podcast is now officially this episode. I thought we had some pretty good stuff. Adam Levine Goose, I'm into it. Now it's the ring. And if you listen to it, you die seven times. You know what? What you said was so fucking weird. You know what? History will prove one of us right and one of us wrong, Justin.

Yeah, it's going to prove you right. Because Justin's going to be fucking dead. And so am I. And so is our millions of listeners unless they get somebody else to listen to our podcast. But not me because mango will have welcomed me into their arms and taken me away from this Gaspacho-y planet.

We get cold and icy human beings. This is great viral marketing I guess unless all of our listeners die in which case it's bad viral marketing. Oh, we have one more money zone from the mango council. Folks, thank you so much

for listening to my brother and my brother and me. It's better. It's better with you. This is true. Oh, it's better. It's better with you. My life. Oh, it's better with you.