My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 659: Dom Jeans

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

You know, when we first made this deal with the djinn where we have to talk about Star Wars every May 4th in exchange for eternal life, it sounded like a great deal. But as time passes steadily into a future where the stars no longer exist, we find ourselves longing to talk about things like money candles, different Shreks, and stadium hamburgers.Suggested talking points: The Big Bazinga, Fump Kumpton, Beer Time-Out, Masterclass Perv, Is it Anointed?, Don’t Lick a ShrekBrady United: https://www.bradyunited.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? To a precious friendship I could've never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life, it feels like

It's better, it's better with you My life, it's better, it's better with you This is true, it's better, it's better with you My life, it's better with you Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother Meet, an advice show from the Maldren era. I'm your oldest brother, Gre Blasto. More like an advice show for a galaxy far, far away. I'm Jizz music fan, Travis McElroy.

And I'm Jizz, the friendly alien, I'm Jizz. I already said Jizz. Yeah, I know, it's a common word in our wonderful galaxy, which is called Jizz9. I'm Jizz9, cyborg alien, and I came here to fucking party with you on May the 4th be with you. 1,000 years ago, we made a deal with a treacherous gen that every May 4th, we would be forced to even if it had, no matter what, talk about Star Wars. And we made this deal for our very souls, and that's why even if we tanked a whole live show for thousands of people by talking about Star Wars, we just made the deal with a treacherous gen.

And here's the thing, it was 1,000 years ago, so at the time, the gen was like, I'll give you guys eternal life and you have to talk about Star Wars every May the 4th. And we were like, we don't even know what that fucking means. I don't know what a star is, man. Like those things up in the sky is like gods or whatever. It's fine. And here's what I didn't realize. With eternal life comes talking about Star Wars on May the 4th. Long past when like human records and any kind of like media will be expunged from existence, right?

So like, will we floating amongst the stars themselves as the planet Earth has crumbled below us and still have to talk about Star Wars once a year? We will be doing two things. We will be talking about Kit Fisto and we will be begging to die. That's it. That's every May 4th. And that's the thing. That's how the gen gave you, man. You never see that coming.

I think what sucks is the sun will explode. And then the days, the concept of days will take on no meat. They'll start to expand and contract. Well, the concept of stars. Stars. Even after the heat death of the universe, we are going to be in the void and we're going to be learning some secrets about existence. Like we're going to go Truman Show backstage of existence in a way that I am not like stoked about. But also we're going to be like floating in nothingness, just trying to make one more joke about Dash Rendar.

And that's not something I'm looking forward to. If time starts to bend enough. And it will. We will, all three of us, be yo-demand. We will be yo-demand. But we will also be not yo-demand. You know what I mean? It'll be yes and no-demand at the same time.

Can I tell you guys, my only glimmer of hope at this point is that the- All the matter- One second. I hit a button that made Abba's money, money, money start playing in my headphones really loud. Yeah, we've all been there. I dropped my stress ball on my dang keyboard and now it's playing Abba. I get it, man. My only glimmer of hope is that when all the matter in the universe contracts back, right?

Yes. That's going to be fucking great. And then we have the next big bang, right? That if we wait long enough, we will be able to intercede on Justin Travis and Griffin. That version. Correct. Now we're the treacherous Jinn. What will be good is, what we can maybe do is, if it's just us there and all the matter is contracting,

we can push for the big bazinga. Oh, yes. You know what I mean? Like not the big bang. This time it's the big bazinga. Let's give that a spin. Yes. You know what I mean?

Let's see how that works out. Let's try this one on for size. You know what I mean? Yes. And then also, since we're back at the beginning of time, we can write the Star Wars movies, maybe have a bit of a better hit rate than three out of nine with those. Yeah. And listen.

And we can... These three cis, white, head, dude. We've got some favorite ideas. We've got some favorite ideas. Let me hit you with this. Luke Skywalker done. His name is now Fump Compton. Is this your name?

I love that. I love that. So wait, I would like to talk more about Fump Compton. Yeah, sure. Where does he work? He works at Babbage's video game store. He's a gamer. Oh, oops.

I fixed another thing. Fump Compton's a gamer. Yeah. In this one. Yeah. Is he pro or just dreams of going pro? He's mid and he is... He uses gamer powers to like, that's the force now.

And Fump Compton's the best at it. And there was this game designer who built this super popular game and he hid keys and puzzles within it. And even though Fump Compton is... Are Fump Compton? No, you can call him. If Fump Compton feels better to you. Listen, guys, this is a three-person, this is a three-headed operation.

I want you guys to challenge my ideas as we are recreating Star Wars from the beginning of the universe. Yeah. If Fump Compton feels better to you than Fump Compton, that's like, run with that. I am not like in charge, even though I am the only published... This is anti-sky solution-eering. Sorry, if I could just finish. Even though I am the only published Star Wars author among the three of us.

But that doesn't mean much. That's true. But once all the matter in the universe is contracted, those books will basically be one with us. Meaningless. Sure. Yeah, sure. So with that money, it doesn't matter.

Okay. Well, I think we have some promising stuff here, guys. Yeah. This is good. And I think we legally... Are on the road. We're doing good. Darth Vader can stay.

I don't think he's his dad at this time. Can I tell this out? That was too confusing to me. Darth Vader? Yeah. Why did they make that? Darth Vader is actually better, Travis. Yeah.

So that's not his dad. He's just huffing a lot in the suit. Yes. What if then, when he finished huffing? Mad Cotton. Mad, mad, mad, mad Cotton. That would be cool. And in this universe...

It's all been one big inhale. Yeah. And since we're sort of recreating the whole universe from scratch, maybe we could make it so that vaping's cool this time. Yeah. Are healthier? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And the lightsabers are their vape rigs, too. That's cool, too. Shit. Is it too late for us to make that in this reality before the second one? It is. Unfortunately. It is, sadly. Yeah.

No, this franchise has very little... How many times do you guys think we've looped through this? Like gone through... This could be seven or eight, or it could be like the one billionth time we've gone through this loop of making a deal with a gen living forever and then seeing everyone, oh my God. Is this what interstellar's about? I think so. I didn't really watch that one super closely, though.

No. No. I like the robots. The robots will be exactly the same. Yeah. All of them. Oh. In New Star Wars?

Yeah. In our version of... No. All of it. Oh, okay. In our version of reality, that we're calling the Big Bazinga. The robot stuff is all... We got all that stuff pretty good.

That's a good test. Yeah. Yeah. Only getting better. But people need work, right? We could do a lot with that. There's room. There's room.

I mean, I would just make it so everybody has all the money that they need. But that's just like, again, like creative differences. I look around Travis sort of the state of things and I'm like, this isn't actually great. But if everyone had the money that they needed, I think that would be pretty cool. Hey Griffin, why did you single me out there? Like I don't want people to have the money if they need it. Oh, well, it wasn't your first order of business, which I thought was fucked up, was to make Luke Skywalker a gamer.

And mine was to make sure everybody didn't have the money. Yeah, you're right. You know what? In retrospect, that one was on me. I was very... For me... I was way too focused on that. I guess I've got my checklist here.

It says, number one, make sure everybody has the money that they need to get the stuff that they want. Wow. And then number two is change Luke Skywalker's name to Cumpfumpton. And then number... I don't... Is it Cumpfumpton? Number three, no more disease.

Wow. Nice. It's right behind Cumpfumpton. Cumpfumpton. Cumpfumpton, Griffin. Cumpfumpton, Star Wars. Check it out. In theaters.

May the fourth be with you. And also with you. And also with you. With his friend, Hump Yolo. I did say, and also with you, to a cast member at the Disney World, because I thought in my head that that is what you say in that moment. But then I realized that that's probably a Catholic that, like, they started it. Yeah.

Well, I think it's spelled over to Jedi. I think you just emphasized the you harder. So they say, May the fourth be with you. And you're like, May the fourth be with you. And then they know that you're just... Yeah. I mean, it's still not fun. Like, I get why people don't like when we talk about Star Wars stuff.

Yeah, it's still not good. I bought the Samuel Adams sweater wetter. What? Sorry. Sorry. That's okay. Sweater wetter. You mean wetter?

I hate when my sweater gets wetter. I bought the Samuel Adams sweaty weather. It's okay. How are you, bud? I bought the Samuel Adams sweater weather variety pack at Costco. The box had 24 beers featuring Boston longer. God damn, that's so many beers. It's a lot of Sam Adams.

Yeah. The box had 24 beers featuring Boston longer. Always a disappointment in a Sam box, I will say. In my... But not a surprise. Right? Not a surprise. They got loads of them laying around.

You would hope so. The box had 24 beers featuring Boston longer, Fest Beer, October Fest and Jacko Pumpkin Ale. They really hit the spot on those cool fall days. Yeah, they do. While most of the beers fit my style, the Pumpkin Ale is pretty sweet. More like a pumpkin spice latte sweetness rather than a subtle pumpkin-y flavor. Yeah. You're hitting the problem inconsistently.

We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. Yeah. Well, I still have three left from October and I don't know what to do with them. I thought about leaving them in a little free library mail box. You know not to... You better not to do that though, right? How quick did that one...

You thought pretty quick about it, right? Because after this, you say, I don't want the kids in my neighborhood to get them. Yeah, that's what we call intrusive thoughts and you did a good job. Yeah, Travis, actually, thank you. Let's touch on that for just real brief. You'd need to just... A lot of people say first thought, best thought, but they don't count on it. Not at all.

An intrusive thought. First thought. Take it from me, the one with ADHD. First thought, best thought is patently untrue. Yeah. Because sometimes that first thought is, I wonder what it sounds like if I drop this on the ground, right? Yeah.

It's not good. Oftentimes, my second thought is about how bad the first thought was. Yeah. And that's the one I... Yeah, you're four or five thoughts in before you get something good. Yeah. I thought about pouring them down the drain, but that feels rude. I've already attempted leaving them off at house parties, but now my friends call me

out because I've tried so many times, brothers, what do I do that's from pumpkin ale punner in DC? Give them to Griffin. He's there. Yeah, man. I love that shit. I love slapping down a multi-baby, especially one that you think tastes bad. That's my favorite one, actually.

I don't know about your father-in-law, Griffin, but I do know this about mine and Justin's father-in-law, that they have fridges, especially filled with beers, and those beers are almost exclusively... Yeah, I had two left of these, right? It never seems like they went out and bought beer to sock this fridge. It's just like, oh, yeah, I bought a six pack, I drank five of them, and then this one for some reason was put in time out in this tiny fridge, and that's there for when you come over and you're like, I guess I'll take this.

Anyone who buys beer to drink at home is familiar with the experience of having the nasty crew that kicks it in your refrigerator for so long that it builds a little like Pee-wee's Playhouse Society inside of it, and this is one thing that soda's got, a leg up on beer. When you buy soda, you pretty much know whether or not it's going to be good when you buy it, most of the time. Sometimes there's a stunt coke, but most of the time you sort of know what you're getting into. It would be wild if you were like, ooh, let me try this coke and you brought it home

and you're like, wow, this is the fucking grossest drink I've ever tasted, but that'll happen with beer sometimes. I've also noticed that in the variety packs, that very clearly, in 24 beers, that there like 18 of these are really going to draw you in, and then six of these, we needed to get some cheap space going, so you're taking those with you, my dude. Here's what I want you to do, okay? I want you to get three cups of self-rising flour, fourth cup of sugar, mix it up, dump in one of these beers, putting in a loaf pan that you greased up, and then put a stick

of melted butter on top, just dump a stick of melted butter on top, and then a freaking bake it in a 375 degree oven. Just freaking do it. And you know what? With a sweet beer like that, throw some chocolate chips in that bread. And now you can put it in the tiny library. Yeah. I think.

I've been drunk on bread. Kids, enjoy. Not sure if that is how it would work. I have lots of leftover beer, and I would say 90% of them are pumpkin flavored in my fridge where I have bought them, and I thought, I will love these forever, sometimes in like a large like a 12-pack, and then I'll drink three of them and I'm like, well, that was as much as I wanted. And then I think about like, Travis in college, and if I could tell Travis in college, yeah,

there's beer just sitting in my fridge that I don't touch, and like it just, I have more beer than I could possibly need. And I think that College A. Travis would assume that I was at a replacement for him because Travis was like, I'm living beer box to beer box. I'm scraping together quarters to buy a 12-pack of pig's eye, and like, and now here I am living the literal high life, not having to drink high life. If I could shout one message through the time tunnel back to College Travis, I would hope I would find a better use for that than to brag about how much beer you have.

Well, it would have been past 9-11, so you can't do that one. Damn it. Anything else. That was after, so College was after 9-11, so you can't focus on that. That was the last bad thing that happened too. Yeah. That was like the last big one that kind of caught us all by surprise. Since then, we've had our heads on a swivel, haven't we?

Yeah. We've been ready. We've been. We've only fooled again. We've got liquids on planes, man. No, sir. No, sir. We cut that out, and now everything's good.

Cut that out. We figured it. We cracked the case. Oh, is that a water bottle? Get out of here. I'm out of here. Get out of here, hero. We did it again.

You have too much hand gel. That's too much hand gel. Get out of here. Too much hand gel. Too much hand gel. What are you doing? You trying to sneak one passing with hand gel? I saw that coming a mile away.

Get that out of here. I'm employed by the TISA. What's that? The TISA? Oh, yeah. Okay. That's better than TISA. Yeah.

But you can't fool me with hand gel. Get out of here. Yeah. One time I went through security in Huntington, and I had a bottle of water that I hadn't fully emptied out, and then we're like making me go through again. I was like, okay. And they were like, hey, you're lucky that I'm just dumping it out. I could just throw this away.

And then I was like, this is the price of freedom. I guess this is the price of freedom, and if it's what it takes, I guess who am I to say, right? Yeah, man. Freedom is in play. This is how we keep America safe. Can I go to the wizard? Wait, wait, wait.

Before we go to the wizard, can I tell a quick anecdote that I forgot to tell at our shows that I wish I had told? Yeah. I just don't want to get lost in time because it was so good. Travis was seated next to a really chatty guy on a plane. Now it worked out that Travis and I were seated adjacent to each other. One row in front of each other, never made any real effort to try to swap that up so we'd be next to each other because we were both in the aisle.

So we were fine. We were just fine. And I see you. I see you a lot. We talk. It was fine. Trev, would you describe? You had two great interactions.

Can you describe the first interaction you had with this cat? So my first one at the table, this is before the plane has even taken off. And this gentleman, I would put like early to mid fifties or business like professional looking guy, right? Like if you saw him in a business setting, running his own business, you'd be like, yes, right, I've got my headphones on. I've got my my iPhone on my lap playing a video that I'm watching. And I'm like writing in my notebook preparing for the live show.

And this guy has me on the shoulder. Travis, because he's on a plane, has restrained himself to only doing three things simultaneously for right. He has me on the shoulder. I like pulled my air pod out and I'm like, yeah, man. And he's like, listen, if you get a chance, if you get a chance, you've got to check this out. And he's pointing to his screen on the back of the other back of the sea. And it's the master class episode on gardening.

Oh, cool. And now, listen, don't get me wrong. I enjoy gardening, but there's no way that this guy knew it. And he just had his life changed, like as at some point when he was just like, I got to tell the stranger who's clearly busy. And so he doesn't miss his chance. Now, the extent to which I would not pull someone out of the drift. Yes, if I, if they were like, I would sit there

and like stare at them full bore and poop my pants, like before I would like wake someone out of that vegetative state. And this cast, like, you got to check this out. You got to check out this master class episode on gardening, not five to ten minutes later, people are still boarding. This is still early. A person passes and they tell me that they are a big fan of our podcasts. And if you're listening, hi, how's it going?

They said, like, you know, I've downloaded some. You set Travis up for the biggest L. Yeah, the biggest. And listen, you couldn't have possibly known that if it wasn't for this master class perv on my right, right? But you, you said that you really enjoyed the shows and it was great. It was wonderful. Thank you. Then you walked away and then can I do that?

Travis, can I do that, please? Yes, you can. It was so devastating to you that I feel like it's not even fair for you to benefit for the for the anecdote, because the y'all this, I don't want to oversell it, but this is the most calculated takedown I've ever seen. This is the most complex bit of verbal jujitsu. OK, listen, this cat, the guy walks away and this guy looks at Travis and says, do my kids know who you are?

It's ice. It's like an ice cold dammer in the between the shoulder blades because it also everything about it is soap. It's like perfect. It's it's at Tori Hansen's. Yeah, it's so brutal. Because not only that, if you had said, would my kids know who you are or something like that, then I could formulate an answer. But do my kids know who you are?

I have so little information present. My response to him was, well, how old are your kids? And he said, I have several kids ranging from 17 to 30. And I was we needed to speak on this too. Very briefly, a range of you should know is not a family. That is an academy. Like you do not need to just tell me how old your kids are. I think in that moment, it's quite possible.

He had no idea. He just knew I can safely say 17 to 30, to which I responded. Then probably at least one of them. Yeah, like and suddenly I felt such an urge to justify myself, my own existence to this guy who bothered me twice. To one, make me just recommend this masterclass of gardening and then also make me feel very small. So if you're listening now, somehow.

Hello, were you wearing your dirty dungarees, Travis? Yes, I was dressed like a real fuck boy, Griffin. Absolutely. No, I felt I was dressed very nicely. I'm in like your gardening dungaree. I didn't mean like your. Oh, not my like my dumb pants or my dirty dungarees. Not your dumb jeans. No, not my dumb jeans.

No. Hey, OK, so the wizard we've been standing if we've been having this conversation in front of the wizard the whole time and he's actually been very patient. He really really knows our he knows our sort of shenanigans. Matthew, send it in. Thank you, Matthew. My car. This one's. Yeah. Fuck. That's a good get. Oh, Matthew McConaughey Fox, Matthew McConaughey Fox.

They did. They've been married. Congratulations. They share a full way now on the set of We Are Marshall. Love bloomed. Beautiful love. Great. Now I need to look up the John Claude Van Damme quote. And anyway, here's how to perform a money's belt. Wait, thank you. This one's cool because it's rare that we do one of these.

That's like. Honestly, pretty easy. Oh, cool, man. Do you need some extra cash for bills or another particular purpose? Always. What if I said no to that? What is no to that look like? Can I just say it's it's great when they run out of steam that quickly, like bills or fuck, there's got to be other things.

This is the spell for you. Other particular purposes. Have you talked yet about the effect that chat? GPT is going to have on WikiHow articles. Travis, I can't get there with you mentally, but I don't want to get there with you mentally. I'm sliding down a pit like at the end of Toy Story 3 towards the flaming mouth of being there with you.

And it's inescapable. If I'd like to just get to the question, if I could. And my question, I mean, if I may, because also the other day, I said to you guys, the NFTs were this generation's beanie babies and you didn't respond to that text at all. That kind of group chat kind of wasn't sure what to make of that one. Yeah, because it wasn't preempted by literally anything. And you did bring it to us like wisdom from like a tablet from God.

Well, it's just so true. And I don't really use Twitter anymore. So I thought I'd share it with my brothers who I love. And I thought they might be like, Holy shit, dude, that's really like appointing it in observation and instead crickets. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not even going to share my thoughts on how it relates to the gold rush. But it's fine, whatever.

Then that's great. Get your supplies. A green candle in parentheses, anointed. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'm going to use an anointed candle. If I have a green unanointed candle and a white anointed candle, which one? Oh, I guess I can melt them together and make sort of a pale green, mostly anointed. That'll probably get you there.

You could rub the white one all over the green one. Yeah. Hey, Aleaf, please try to find a suitable one on the ground. Let's not tear up our trees for this. Oh, but what's a suitable one? One that was on the ground, not one that you had to tear up your trees for this. No, I know that. But do you want something that's like reminiscent of a coin, reminiscent of like a dollar bill, or do you want one like with many, you know, offshoots on it?

So it's like prosperous. If you perform a money spell and you wish for coins, get the fuck out of here. What do you mean? We've talked about this before. There are some fucking pennies that are worth like. We talked about this a week ago. I know. A leaf, a suitable leaf.

Just one that you can ride on with a Sharpie, which is the next tool. I'm actually looking. I have a money plant in my office that is thriving. I guess it's got some big honking leaves on it. I could use that easy. Do you have a green candle? A nointed. Yeah, I do. OK, is it anointed?

Oh, yeah, is it anointed? OK, I have a guy. OK, so step two, use your Sharpie to write the exact dollar amount of money that you need onto the leaf that in the image here, they have written exactly ten thousand dollars, which on the nose is an exact amount of money that makes me think that you are like in deep with the mob or something like that. That's that's a really if you if it was a loan from a bank, that number would not be quite as round.

Ten thousand dollars is the number they use in the movie. If your life is like if you're a criminal, whose life is cheap. Yeah, but you need ten G's to like buy another week of life. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? Like ten G's like I'm working on my street contact. Kick ass amount of money. I would love. Yeah, that's the thing. It's a large amount. Ten G's.

Yeah, but not a greedy amount, which I like. Because if I wrote on that leaf like ten million dollars, it'd be like, yeah, you don't need ten million dollars to be a pretty big leaf. Also, I could write like dollar sign one zero million. Travis, ten thousand dollars, that can really get me out of jail. Yeah, man. Yes. And you guys know about inflation? No, what?

I'm just saying if we go around writing ten million dollar, you know, spells on our leaves, then pretty soon, we're going to be in a whole heap of trouble at the pump. How that works? Is that what the problem has been? Big, big heap of trouble at the pump. This is number three. Place the leaf under the candle. If you do it on top, it will make a fire.

That's not what we're going here for. Yeah, that's a good point. I'm not worried about the recession because we're in podcasting. Yeah, yeah, untouchable. It's basically recession proof. I think if COVID has shown us anything, it's that the number of people who listen to podcasts will never change. Yeah, it's only upside, baby.

Yeah, so focus your intent while you light the candle, which is I can't stress this enough above the leaf. If you burn up the leaf. That's really difficult for me. How do I have to focus only on that? Oh, yeah. This may be an issue to focus your intent while you light because I'm going to start focused on that.

Yeah, right. But candles take so long to burn. And this sounds really boring. Yes. So you got your leaf that you wrote $10,000 on in the Sharpie. And then you put the green candle that is anointed on top of it. You focus your intent while you light the candle and then you meditate on your intentions with the candle for at least 10 minutes.

10 minutes. Yeah, that's listen. If anyone could do it, then we'd all have $10,000 right now. We'd be partying. Man, fuck in 10 minutes. I'm buying and trading crypto. I've already made $10,001, you know what I mean? Wow, that's true.

Yeah. What's crypto? Travis, what's crypto? It's the superdog that flies around with. Let your candle burn down or extinguish it with your fingers or a snuffer, please. Those are two different journeys, pretty different journeys, I would say. How hard are you trying to impress someone to make them think you're tough, right? Yeah, because then it's fingers, right?

But if you're like me, a dainty Victorian Lord, get your snuffer out. You get your snuffer out. Yeah, let's talk about the snuffer, man. Who's still making these things? Cool. Did they even need him back in the 1800s? Thank you. Just put it out, guys.

Just blow it out. Spit on it like a normal person. Yeah, does it? Or use your fingers if you want to be a cool, a cool operator. That hurts, though. Yeah, that's why it's cool. Can you imagine if you did a spell for $10,000 and then you rolled up to whatever store you were looking to spend that on?

And they were like, OK, and with tax, it's like $10,000 and like $0.60. Fuck, I'll be right back. I got to go do another spell for $0.60. Sorry, guys. So then you've got to take that leaf outside and bury it. What do you what you do with the candle? I suppose your business. That's between you and God.

What if my candle is too small? It goes out after like before 10 minutes. Then you start over and you do the fucking spell again, Trav. I only have the one candle. I'm broke, Griffin. Listen, let me tell you some odds are you're not going to do this spell right, right? Like if you think you're going to crush a money spell, your first ritual out the gate. I got news for you is you're not.

So you should plan on having several candles. You probably just need a one sharpie, a mini leaves, but please Christ off the ground. Let's not destroy any trees for this magic spell. I think what you got to do with the OK, the first candle, I feel like you should ask for enough money to buy several more cans. Good call. Yeah. OK, because. But it's the anointing. It's the anointing that gets you.

That's where the upcharge is. Yeah, it's going to cost it's going to cost extra. But like you get what you paid for, you know what I mean? So then here's the last step in the article, the prestige like betrayal. Step eight, enjoy the satisfaction when the universe creates a way for you to have what you want. The end. OK, well, now hold on. The end. Here's a and the picture is a man holding two stacks of white paper looking out over the mountains as a flock of birds flies overhead.

Is that your wish, you pervert? Do that for free, idiot. You don't have to make you don't have to take God's attention away from like the big bad stuff that's happening in the world. So you can get $10,000 to go look at birds. It's probably bearer bonds, too. If it's just white paper, and I don't know how that works, but like yeah, it's probably bearer bonds if it's white paper.

Can I also just say if I'm going all the trouble of anointing and candle burning it, focusing for 10 minutes, right? And then I know then I would like the money to just appear somewhere. The idea of like, OK, great, you did that. And now the universe has provided you like a job opportunity to work for $10,000. It says if you know nothing of the ways of magic, Travis. Well, I know the old ways. All right, you're having a lot of fun here and I'm trying to help our audience.

No, I'm just saying like chaos magic, right? Where the money just appears in my pocket. But this kind of new fangled version of magic where the universe provides opportunities or some shit. No, thank you. Give me that chaos magic where the price is significantly higher than what I get, but the price is paid by somebody else. You know what I mean? Did you learn that from Gandalf because you're talking about bullshit

and I'm over here trying to help our audience. I learned it from the witcher, actually. But cool, man. Yeah, man, you've seen that show? Yeah, man, you see that dick? I haven't seen the witcher by assume. I think he does. Does he get his tongue out? It does in the game, I think.

So it'd be crazy. Yeah, I think I think Griffin, I think if you're really honest with yourself, if Henry Cavill hung brain in the witcher series, even if you'd never watched it, you'd know that. Yeah, sure. You wouldn't know about it. When Benjamin brought it out for Gone Girl, yeah, it's sort of I feel like someone did a like a skyriding.

Yeah, for my house. Like, hey, Benjamin gets it out in Gone Girl. And I was like, oh, if Henry Cavill got his Warhammer out, then everybody would talk about it on like everything from like Twitter to MySpace, right? People would reopen their Friendster accounts to talk about it. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, sure. OK. Wait a minute.

I am currently searching to Benjamin Affleck hang brain in Gone Girl, man. Yeah, pal, he does. And it's fun because he's in the shadows. He's taking a shower. It's towards the very, very end of the flick. And so when the flick ended, the group of people I had seen it with were walking out of the theater like, wow, crazy that Benjamin got his

dingling out for this one. And then half the party was like, what are you? Yeah, what do you mean? And it turned into where Yankees cat. But what were Yankees cat in a but in a sort of quantum way? Yeah. If Benjamin gets his out in Gone Girl and no one sees it, did Benjamin get his out? I leave that for you to think about as we go to the money zone, maybe.

Yeah, let's do it. Oh, is that a movie? Listen, if you want to share screenshots of the movie Gone Girl with people across the globe, any part of it, any part of it, any part of it, any part of it, we're not getting specific here. But if you're like, I found a high resolution, like perfect, non-granny photo from Gone Girl, that I need to share with my friends right away, who don't believe me, consider Aura Frames.

It's the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter, the strategist and selected as one of Oprah's favorite things. I don't think that's related to screenshots from Gone Girl, but it might be. Might be. She might have a slide show on there that we don't know about and needn't know about. I use Aura in my day to day life. I have one and I've given one to Sydney's mom and her grandfather and both of Sydney's siblings, actually, because once you start having

more people with more frames, you can get kind of a network going, right? If I take a great picture of my kids, I'm blasting it out to all these frames. And they're all excited or at least they better be like, ooh, a new dispatch from the McElroy Ranch. I got to see what this great, great pick is. Now, is it weird, Justin, when you're like looking at a slide show, screen shots from Gone Girl and also pictures of your kids pop up, is that weird for them? No, I don't do any Gone Girl stuff on.

Well, I have two different Aura accounts. I don't, I don't Aura Ben Affleck's dog. Well, nobody said anything about Ben Affleck's dog. Nobody said anything about Ben Affleck's dog. It could have been Neil Patrick Harris's dog. This is Aura. Is this Max Fudd? Yes, I'd like what I've decided to call a super refund.

I don't know what it means either, but you have to do so. I'm just saying there's some wonderful cinematography in Gone Girl that maybe are just like, I have to share this image because it's perfectly like rule of thirds and the lighting is on par and it's great. And maybe there's a dong in it. We can't be sure. So we have to study it at length. Hypothetically is all I'm saying.

Hypothetically. And listen, it only takes two minutes to set it up using the Aura app. And you can add photos from anywhere. No memory card required. So that's pretty good. Right? Pretty good. Yep.

So. Aura frames. We're sorry. We're really sorry. But right now you don't have to be sorry that you missed out on this great deal for Mother's Day from Aura. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com.

And if you use code my brother, you're going to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on their bestselling Carver frames. This deal ends on May 14th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. Hi, I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Teresa McElroy. And we're the host of Schmanners.

We don't believe that etiquette should be used to judge other people. No, on Schmanners, we see etiquette as a way to navigate social situations with confidence. So if that sounds like something you're into. Join us every Friday on Maximum Fun, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's John Moe, inviting you to listen to Depress Mode with John Moe, where I talk about mental health and the lives we live with all kinds of people. Famous writers.

David Sedaris, welcome to Depress Mode. Thanks so much for having me. Movie stars. Jamie Lee Curtis, welcome to Depress Mode. I am happy to be here. Musicians. I am in St. Paul, Minnesota. I'm talking to Amy Mann.

Great to talk to you. And song exploders. Rishikesh Hirwe, welcome to Depress Mode. Thanks so much for having me. Everyone's opening up on Depress Mode on Maximum Fun. Hey, everybody, it's Travis, and I am interrupting my own show to let you know about some very exciting news. A while back, I filmed this thing and it's called Foul Play.

And it is a series of fully improvised murder mystery episodes. My episode is all fantasy themed and it comes out this week. And what makes it especially special is that you can move between rooms at will. So if you want to see where people are going and follow specific characters or if you want to follow specific storylines or if you just want to stay in the same room, you totally can. It's super fun. And it was one of the funniest things I remember being a part of in a long time.

So if you want to check it out, you can head to foulplay.live and get all the details there. There's a bunch of other episodes as well. Don't wait. It comes out this week. Go check it out, foulplay.live. Enough commercialism. God, thank you. It breaks my heart every time.

Every time. But you know what, Bill's man, if this leaf spell thing would work, I'd be out. It does. You just haven't tried it. I know I fucking it up. I do like the frame, though. It's a great. It's a good frame.

I mean, it's a good frame. I just wish they would let me talk about it for free without all this dirty money. Thanks. I'll eat it. I would be doing it for free every episode about 30 feet from my apartment building is a little league baseball field. Sometimes my girlfriends work late. Sorry, I added a plural there.

You swapped out again wildly. It's a different journey. You sent the I moved the S. Yeah, from works over to girlfriend. And so I made this sentence. Sometimes my girlfriends work late. Yeah. And that's not what it said.

No, OK, it's different. I don't care if that was this person's situation, but it's not. Sometimes my girlfriend works late and trying to figure out dinner can be a problem. I mean, there's eight of them. So I can imagine figuring out any meal is an issue. Yeah, you're going to have to get a crystal crate and a bunch of little hamburgers. Maybe two crystal crates for your hungry days. I mean, come on.

It'd be weird if I a 25 year old man with no kids and eight girlfriends. I'm going to stop messing up. Yeah, ever. That's my commitment for 2024. Well, we got a lot left in 2023. Oh, yeah, there's going to be a lot of massive ups for the next seven months. I'm already messed up, though. And this that's fair.

We could talk about maybe our fiscal year begins in like, yeah, yeah. Would it be weird if I a 25 year old man with no kids walked over the little league field and got a burger and fries from the concession stand and watch some baseball? I'm worried people will think it's creepy that some strange guy has ordered food and sat down to watch some kids he's never met play baseball. Should I just get the food and go back home? That's from Stranger Danger in Dallas. I love that for you, Stranger Danger in Dallas.

Those are your only two options. Yeah, we got to get the boy goes. Got to get those little league field concession stand burgers. Hey, there is nothing. There is no better burger in my mind than when I am at a little league game. And I'm like, God, I got a powerful might that can only be satisfied by a hamburger. Any any port in a storm at that point is going to be the most delicious hamburger I've ever had my entire life.

I bet these are dope. I bet these are great. Can we can we agree that it is weirder and creepier to walk over, grab the burger and then walk back to your apartment building? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's a baseball game, man. You want to sit and watch the baseball and eat a burger? That's what everyone else is there for, right? Like, yeah, there's just one there is just one different thing between you and

everybody else there on the risers. I would say just one other issue. And that's that you are not sort of genetically or parentially invested in this one. Although, you know what? That's making a lot of assumptions on my part. That yes, that's true. I'm more concerned about the the the quality. Because I find that this sort of like short order concession stand hamburger fries thing

is one of the bigger ranges in quality that you could have in food service. Like, I feel like some of the best and worst, especially fries. I feel like some of the best and worst fries I've ever had have come from a situation like this. Like the the distance between, I don't know, it's like a half microwaved or either crinkle cut steak fry. Yeah, yeah, or it's like actually deep fried. Yes, someone live in their dream. Yeah, someone like going for it, like too expensive for like restaurants wouldn't do it.

Yeah, it's too expensive to do like this, but I'll dump like high quality peanut oil in here, get rid of all these trans fats for you. Maybe you can do it enough that you build a relationship with the people in the concession stand. And they're like, oh, you're like a regular, you know, OK, love it. Let's try to provide some roadmap here. If you do, I think it could be fun to just like eat a burger and watch Little League Baseball if you don't really have anything else to do. I imagine those scamps have a lot of unforced errors that can be hysterical to watch.

And then you get into the drama of the game. You know, Dylan Dylan, you know, gets hit by a pitch, chips a tooth, but then scores a fucking home dinger on the next bat. Fuck yeah, I'm on my feet. I'm losing it, right? Yeah, I'm if you if you start thinking that it's weird for you to watch a bunch of kids play Little League Baseball, if you pick at that scab too much, you're going to start to realize how weird it is that you watch any sports at all.

Yeah, that is the end of the. OK, this is your private. Any of these kids, Dad. Yeah. Well, yeah. But think about the Bengals, remember? Yeah, you're not any of the Bengals, Dad, either, right? Yeah, I would say if there was some kind of a buffer where you had to claim to be one of the children's dads to watch the game, probably any game of any sport.

Yeah, on earth. Yeah, man, if I could remember a single football player's name right now. Oh, William, William refrigerator, Perry, Shadow Chocinco. Yeah, I don't think either one of them are still playing, guys. I know William refrigerator, Perry, is it? But they did make a G.I. Joe out of that. It's true. And he had a football shaped mace. Yeah, that was Coleman.

That was fucking cool, dude. One of you guys got any of this football, Tom. What are you? What's your guy? Like, do you guys have any my best, like, little league ball ball field concession stand memory is one. Just fund it, fund it, fund it, fund it, fund it, fund it, fund it, fund it, fund it. And then the one time I like in in the as close as you get to throwing caution to the wind when you're 11.

Like, I don't care if a Chico stick does look like old man candy. I'm going to buy one. They're only 50 cents. Let's see what this is about. And then you find out it's basically Butterfinger guts. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember I wrestled in middle school. This isn't quite a little league, but wrestled in middle school

and going to the meets, I poured it. I was bad. I hated it. But the concession area, man, you could get fucking all kinds of little Debbie treats for like a quarter for. They were like, they buy just like a box of cosmic brownies. And then you give them like a quarter and you get a cosmic brownie. And I could just kept thinking like, I am really pulling one over on these people. They have no idea what this is.

Definitely illegal. Like, I don't think you can just buy a package for an individual sale. No, no, not even a little bit. I yeah, man, you did burger and fries might not be good, but I can't think of another restaurant where you can get sour punch straws like in a. Yeah, that's true. Or those little like a bubblegum like baseball things that have like the stitching printed on them and it's chewing gum.

Those are great. I love those. Oh, that's fun. Love that. Now, you could just doordash a meal. Just missed the pop rocks. Not anymore. Are you kidding? My age? Oh, the risk now feels bad. It sucks off the first time. They love it. OK. Pop rocks are mainly cool for giving to

the elderly who've never had them before. Yeah, putting that on TikTok. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And reacting to it. Yeah, like kids react to old person. Pop rock. Yeah. While walking with my children, I found the perfect stick. It was just the right height, shape and texture for me to use as a walking stick.

However, my nine year old claims that he had already found the stick earlier this morning while walking to the bus and it belongs to him. We're now engaging a custody battle over the stick, which of us has the true claim. Let me tell you, oh, boy, I just took my first gander at the stick and it is something else. You see this bad boy? Yeah. Oh, it has like some natural pattern.

Oh, my God. But it's marbled, marbled bark. Yes. And a good interesting, it's got this like, what would that be, like a 20 degree angle? You know, it's got a recurve in it, like a long though. It's this is the kind of this is the kind of stick that you expect Grindelwald to kick open the door and be like, you found it. I don't know which one is that.

Which one is that my incredible staff? No, Travis, I was actually trying to make up the dumbest was this is. This is I know that's what just happened. That's amazing, Justin. I was trying to make up the dumbest wizard name I could. And what my brain supplied for me was just Grindelwald. There's nothing dumber than that. There's nothing dumber than Grindelwald.

Would you like to say that? No, I don't think I would. Well, too bad you're talking. Juice, juice is mouth. I got two options for you. Grindelwald or Brumbleborf. It's up to you. Which one of these is wrong?

Oh, you thought about it too long and you said Grindelwald. And then the other part of my brain is like, I don't think we're doing Harry Potter anymore. Right part of the brain is like, shut up. It's happening. Listen, he's the mouth is doing it already. Got to me again. It's a great stick.

It's a great stick. Great stick. So I guess age nine or nine years into the parenting experience is when I'm going to start like caring about myself and my needs again and just sort of having any kind of claim to any sort of inherent dignity because the number of things that I have just sort of let go like a boat down like a leaf down the river because my son was like, actually, that's mine is let me check everything. Most of the things.

Even a stick this good, you would do that for Henry. Yeah. For a stick this, yeah, Travis, for a stick, we're having a lot of fun here. Gorgeous stick does look like a prop from Grindelwald, like Justin said. Definitely. I do. It is a stick, though, and that is going to go right down the ladder if it means that, you know, we're just going to kind of keep going on with the day in a direction

that is not, you know, it would be advantageous for all parties involved in the long run. Yeah, I guess I'm thinking even now that if my six year old was like, I would like to bring this stick inside that is apparently five feet long and wave it around a bunch. I would say, you know what, maybe no one needs this stick. Maybe this is going to remain out of doors rather than break everything in my house that I actually care about. That's great. That might be where I'm at with it the more I think about it because here's the thing.

If I'm being honest with myself, a hundred percent chance my six year old breaks something with it, 95 percent chance I break something with it. Right. It's not that much better. You will take it and say, we got to get rid of this thing. And as you are walking outside with it, you're going to try and twirl it once like a bow staff. Yep.

You're going to hit the urn. There go the ashes. Oh, whoof. Those are Grindelwald's ashes. Those are back now. Oh, no, and now it's his stick back and he's an evil wizard. I wish there were other wizard names. Yeah, me too.

Just give him the stick. Don't give him the stick. Thread and cut the stick in half. Yes, that's always a classic. Always works. Ooh, or say, okay, we will settle this in the morning. While they sleep, you go outside, you gather up as many sticks as you can. When they wake up, they are all around the room.

You are wearing a chain mail coiff and old man makeup. And you say, one of these is the true stick. And if you truly loved it and you truly deserved it, you would know the right stick to choose. Okay, get some fishing line. Tie it to one end of the stick, the other one in your finger. Lay the stick between the two of you and say, we'll both call a stick. And whichever is the stick loves most.

That's great. That's how we'll decide, right? The stick decide. It's the stick's choice. Yes. But you're an adult and they still have a child's brain. So you're using that fishing line, right? So no matter how hard the stick pulls to go to the boy, you're going to tug it

back with the fishing line. That's cool. It is cool, Griffin. You're right. Thank you. Most nine-year-olds are going to fall right for that. Yeah, man, because they still trust you and that's their mistake. This is the last time, though, for that.

Oh, they can never find out. Never. They can never find out. When did you start having issues with your parents? Well, I'll never forgive the day. I realized that they conned me out of the perfect stick. That really just never trusted them since then. I work for my local 4-H program.

In our office, we happen to have several Shrek toys just hanging around the office. They've been there since I was a child of 4-H, almost 20 years. At this point, no one on staff knows where they came from or why. We got a new boss in December and things have become really tense. How can I employ these Shreks to bring some levity back to the office? If it helps, I'm usually the first one in the office and have access to all the keys. Uh-huh. Yeah.

That's from stress in upstate. Down here at the bottom, we also have a picture of a couple of the Shreks. Yeah. Yeah. There's two Shreks of differing size. And differing pants, interestingly. And differing pants, really. The ones about two and a half feet tall seems like a pretty good Shrek. I'd give this one a six out of eight.

And then there's a smaller Shrek. It's a good Shrek. He's smaller, but he has a white shirt. It's very white shirts. And it seems like a leather vest, where the other one is clearly scot-pants. Yeah, he's scot-pants. I'm going to give him a four out of seven. I don't know why he

stole his pants from a sexy 90s goth girl. But I would prefer that she have them instead of this Shrek. He appears to have that Shrek appears to have homemade clothes. Clearly the one on the left store bought. The one on the right feels like a labor of love. OK, so these are the kind of Shreks we're dealing with. Oh, one of them has the horny ears and one of them has the sloping down ears. The sad, the sad ears.

Could you start positioning the Shreks in the boss's office with signs that say like, I'm the boss now, sign Shrek. Oh, that'd be cool. Get out or Travis, just put more simply, get out. Get out of my swamp. Get out of my swamp, donkey. You have to be careful because everyone knows you're in the office first. And everyone knows that the Shreks are around.

You don't want to do everyone knows that the Shreks are around. Be careful, folks. You don't want to do something. Keep your head on a swivel. The Shreks are around. I don't think you want to do something so low stakes that your boss. Let's call him Gwendolyn. Your boss, Gwendolyn says, hey, did you just put the Shreks in my office like there's really no

and there's no doubt about it and you have to come up with. And it's not enough. You haven't gone far enough for it to be self-evident as to why you would do it. Yeah, I mean, it just seems kind of like a a perverse little Shrek of so. You do need to, Justin is right. This gas lighting procedure that you're this Shrek based gas lighting, you are attempting here. It does swamp gas lighting, swamp gas like you're trying to do here.

It does need to be a bit, a bit, a bit longer road, a little bit longer runway on it. Maybe move a stapler around an inch little by little before you start introducing, you know, new characters into this sabotage like Shrek from Shrek. I would also, oh, oh, so maybe you move the stapler around and you leave like a green fingerprint on it. You start to build the stick and some mystery. Right. Yeah.

I don't know why you would eventually. What I mean, a muddy shut up. Why would Shrek, why would Shrek leave a green fingerprint? Okay. Thank you for asking. So Shrek's are not naturally green, right? Underneath they're gray, but they ooze like a green sweat. Like it's a lot like a like an aerofrong, right? Where there's like a green kind of jelly that oozes from every port.

Don't lick a Shrek. Oh, don't lick a Shrek. You're going to trip out, but that's oozing from his every pour, right? So that green material is left behind whenever he's up to his dark machination. Now, I was online yesterday and I saw a website where people were talking about licking the Shrek is. No, don't listen. It's so much fun for the 10 hours that it lasts, but when that high end,

cheap, clean, legal high, but when it ends, oh, now here's what you can do. You start with licking the Shrek and you alternate with licking donkey. And that's going to keep it pretty even. It's going to be a nice, even trip. If the donkey starts to talk, you've gone too far. Get the fuck out of there. You know what I mean? You got it.

You got to be careful when mixing ogres and donkers, though, because they it's it's a dangerous game you're playing. And don't eat the gum draw buttons. That's fucking funny, too. Hey, do you say a Shrek joke? You haven't done enough of them this time. Yeah, I did a lot of them, actually. I said Shrek a soad.

Yeah, I was talking about the green fingerprints. I did lots of now. I know. Now here before here is the donkey. You got to make sure you have all the donkeys. You have you get all the donkeys. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. Oh, no, we've done it.

We use them all the Shrek references we know. That's crazy. I've never heard them run out mid sentence. I've never heard us run out of joke mid sentence before. That was crazy. I was trying to make it sound like a bad edit. Sometimes I do that joke to Rachel. Wait, does I do a joke on our editor, Rachel?

Yeah, I stopped mid bit to make it sound like Rachel. Oh, cool. And I bet she loves it. She really appreciates. That is a cool look. Cool thing to do. Everyone loves it. I didn't realize I was doing it until.

No, listen, it's toxic behavior. And I didn't realize I was doing it until just then. So I do want to own it and claim it. OK, I want to own it and claim it. All right, you know what? I want to own and claim what the housekeeping coming up next week. Next week, Jesus, next week. Be right.

We're going to be doing my brother, my brother and me on May 19th in Columbus next week. When this airs. Yeah, man, May 20th. We're going to be doing Taz in Columbus, Ohio and May 21st. We're going to be doing my brother, my brother and me in Milwaukee. You can get info and tickets at bit.ly slash microwave tours. Also, just to throw it out there.

If you haven't checked out this month's merch yet, go to microwavemerch.com and check it out. I didn't mean to sound upset because we were going back out on the road. I think Rachel might have added me saying, fuck right there. Like to make it sound like I was very tired, but I'm not. I love that out there. I love to get out there and see everybody. We're going to tear Columbus apart, man.

We're going to, you know where I'm going to go to the center of science and industry. I love that. I hid that in the market. You guys been in the North market? Oh, Milwaukee, you're good too. You don't need you. You don't need a statue. You got a spy themed restaurant.

I'm excited to be in Milwaukee when it's not like February. Yeah, I'm very excited. Yeah. So those are those are gonna be fun. Actually, I'm excited now. Anything else? I mean, thanks to Montaigne for theme song. My life is better with you. It's a it's a bop and tune.

We got merch for the month of May. Over at MacRoyMerch.com. Beautiful now, Jeans. You should go scope, go scope those out. And we don't mention it at all. But like, we're on TickDark now, MacRoy family. And you also find MacRoy family on YouTube. We're putting out some stuff, though.

I think you're really going to like it. If you just help us with the algorithm. Oh, the algorithm. Oh, if you could help. Yeah. Do your part. Do your part. Feed the algorithm some beans. Trav, bring us home. She barely understands her dreams of belly button rings

and other kind of things symbolic of change. But the thing that is strange is that the changes occur. And now she's just a part of the herd. Jack Johnson. I don't like that one, Jack. My name is Justin MacRoy. I'm Travis MacRoy, belly button rings. I'm Griffin MacRoy.

This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Oh, it's better, it's better with you. Oh, it's better, it's better with you. This is true. Oh, it's better, it's better with you. Oh, it's better with you.

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