My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 66: Beaches: The Book of the Movie

Episode Date: August 8, 2011

Unless this show ends up going on until the end of recorded time, this, our 66th episode, is likely to be our most satanic installment ever. We heard from this cool dude we met at our local incense store that if you play it backwards, you can hear all kinds of secret, totally psychedelic messages. Suggested talking points: Bad Investments, Dream Spelunking, Dorm Warden, Looking at a Picture of Tracy Chapman, Mark Twain's Latest, Mighty Max Hash, Cool Urinal, Love Lawyers, The New Lunchbox

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Time's are tough. I mean, you take a look at the stock ticker on the wall, and you'll see times are tough economically. We're going into a national economic disaster, but here, like a beam of light, is your surely temple of the modern economic depression. My brother, my brother enemy, an advice show for the modern era. I am

your co-brother and sunshine on a coddy day, Justin McElroy. I am Travis McElroy, and you're animal crackers in your soup. I'm the skittles in your pocket, Griffin McElroy. Guys, my blue chip stocks done turn red. I am insolvent over here. A lot of red ink. Don't know what to do about it. I've been attacked by the bulls and the bears. Yeah, and the pistons. And the oilers. They still around? Oilers? Yeah, sure. Texans now, right? I just made a lot of bad investments. Tell me, give me the number one investment that you regret above all the others. I mean, a lot of bad investments litter that path to financial ruin, but what would you say your number one worst investment was? Books.

Why did you think, like what, books? Like what, what do you mean? I put it all on borders. I put a lot on borders, but mostly just the medium of books is what I invested in. So like the idea of books? Stock symbol, B-O-K-S, which looks like box, but you, you know what it means. I thought, you know, I thought TV and movies, I thought this was just a passing fad. It was, it was a poor choice, and I wasn't counting on the illiteracy epidemic that's ravaging our world. You couldn't have known. How could I have, how could I have known? How could you have known? Let's, what I think we should do is to sort of make sure that nothing that bad ever happens to anyone again. We should answer questions on our advice show and in doing

so help them to avoid calamity. What do you think? And maybe convince them to, you know, buy a book or two. Hey, maybe pick up a book while you're out today. Maybe buy a bookstore. I don't know where you, I don't know where you would do that since there aren't any bookstores left and most libraries are pretty shitty, but, but I'm maybe a yard sale. Most libraries today are basically just a bunch of DVDs, like a bunch of bad DVDs that they bought from blockbusters that were closing. It's like it's just a bunch of copies of like Canadian Bacon and UHF on VHS. I'm sorry, did you say bad movies? No, I mean like easy to obtain movies from Amazon. It was way cheap to get UHF, like way cheap. Yeah. And your library, that's all your

library has anymore. Is UHF and Canadian Bacon and strange? She's out, she's out of control. Love potion number nine. Yeah, exactly. Is UHF in the biography section? Because that is basically the story of Weird Al. It's a true life story. Hey, my sophomore year, I asked out a girl. As you can guess, she said no. Okay, what? Why would I guess that? I know nothing about you. She, I guess like is the, is the assumption that since I'm writing to you and I listen to your show, she said no. She said yes, things are great. Don't know why I wrote you. How can I stop being so happy all the time and in love? She also said, I really like you, but I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now. We are going into our senior year and she's still the only girl I really like.

So my questions are these. When she said that she really likes me, but doesn't want a boyfriend, was that just her telling me that she doesn't like me at all? Let's start here. Yes. Yes. And do you have any advice on how to get over a girl? Because this is just starting to get sad on my part. Any help is appreciated, brothers. That's from infatuated in Florida. The line I, I really like you, but I'm not looking for a boyfriend slash girlfriend right now is like textbook, high school, letting them down easy. Everybody is always looking for a boyfriend and girlfriend. Always. Just wait till you get in college and you get that line and then like a week later that person is dating someone. Like that'll happen three or four times and eventually

you get the message. I don't know. I'm cool. I'm cool being lonely. I don't actually want my counterpart on this earth. I don't want my soul to join with another's. I'm looking to wonder like that dude on Kung Fu, just kind of going, going around doing stuff by myself mostly, by myself. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yes, she's not, she's just not that into you. Now, how do you get over her? That's the question. My, my recipe, my, my tincture, my, my poultice for this sort of thing is time and imagine her on the bathroom. Hold on. Making a, making a bathroom. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Why, why would he do that? Well, if he imagines her making bathroom, then it will ruin the construct of fantasy that he has built for her. It'll tear down the statue of sexiness that

right now he's put it up on a sexy pedestal and he's put her on a porcelain pedestal. Exactly. He needs to put it on a porta potty. Literally set her on top of a porta potty. Right. If you imagine her in the bathroom, that helps unless you're dirty. If you start to feel an inkling and inkling, you back out of that fantasy as fast as you can. An inkle of it, of a tingle, you bounce from that thought, bounce from this ring. I would blame it in reverse. And I need you to talk around your waist and leave, leave the slack with a trusted friend as you dip in. If I pull twice, you get me out of that. This is, this is Inception 2. This is Inception 2 poopy spelunking and I'm going down in this

Incepted fantasy. And listen, if I yank on this, you pull back. I don't care how much I protest. And if I yank on this, you kill me. You kill me. Here's the thing though, because you said time and I think that's absolutely true. But here's what most people fail to take in consideration with time. So this was his sophomore year. This is his senior year. So let's say a year, year and a half since then, going on two years. Time doesn't work if you're still thinking about it two years later. It has to be, I've made the decision to let this go. Now time will help. Not, it's been two years. Why can't I let this go? You need a catalyst to kick that kind of thing off, right? You can't just like, so you need, you need, you need an event to kick off the, that decision.

And I think that because you live in Florida, that there is a lot of options open to you, like a, like a weekend trip to Miami. Miami, all your troubles drown yourself and fly honeys. Because that's all, pretty much all they have, if Will Smith is to be believed. And his, his word is, has always been unimpeachable. Fly honey and serial killers. Yeah, serial killers. Is there a serial killer down there? Dexter's there. But he kills serial killers. So you're probably fine. So it's probably per capita better for serial killers, because he's really cleaning it, cleaning up the streets down there. God, we've got to get down to Miami. I know. It's popping off and every day, I think, as long as you're not serial killing, it's dope. I think serial killers

have probably started spreading the word now that you shouldn't go down there. There's a dark passenger, a vigilante, if you will. Hey, my brother, my brother, me, in a few weeks, I'll be returning to school and I'm going to start training as a resident assistant. Do you have any advice for me? Important in Ithaca. Did any of us live in on-campus housing? I did. You lived in a dorm? Yes, I did. For two years. So you're the only one, I think, who got into shenanigans on a school. So what bad things did you do that they can stop other people from doing? Oh, God, really? Well, I don't know. It was bad. My favorite thing we did is we had this one kid that we just terrorized. But in a friendly way. Well, he would leave town and we would convert

his bed into a castle. Or he left town and we converted his bed into a time machine. These pranks actually sound like awesome things that you're doing for him. Well, but yes. It basically consisted of taking his room apart with a drill and rebuilding it in our chosen image. So basically, what is your tip here? If you hear people using drills, if you see them making a time machine, then cut that out. Yeah. Well, I guess it's the question how to be a better RA or how to be a better light RA. Yeah. I mean, do you want to be cool? Are you cool, man? Are you cool with drugs? Are you cool with partying and kissing after hours? Yeah. You need to make some decisions about what kind of parent you're going to be. Do you want to be

firm? Do you want to be a nice daddy that they come to when they need something? Do you want to run the place with a totalitarian fist? That's what I'm feeling. That's what I'd be. I think the best RA is the one where you can't see their subtle influence. If they know that you're controlling them, then you've gone too far. I think you need to be there, but pretty much fade in the background. You're not going to be friends with these people. I'm talking about, I would be like a Stalin-esque figure. Like, no, no pasta. No pasta on the dorms. You lock the doors at 11. If they show up at 11.01, they're sleeping in the elevator lobby. Yeah. I love that. Like a psychological sort of aggressive psychological tool. There you go.

Assign half of your dorm to be guards and have to be prisoners and then just see how that goes. I'm not sure that the faculty of this institution would smile on that. Basically become a warden of the floor. You're talking about, you're talking about mind freaking an entire floor of students. Yes. I'm not sure that's legal. That's not a legal thing to do. Just, you gotta, the number one thing that you have to do to sort of keep, let's call it stability or just maybe just sort of control is you've got to pick out the cool hand Luke on the floor day one. Who is going to be the one? The Andy Dufresne. Who is your Andy Dufresne that's going to try to rally the other prisoners? You have to be

the Strother Martin for this floor, the captain for this floor. And then beat him in a golden eye tournament. Yeah. And then beat him in a golden eye tournament so they know, that's like swimming guy in the dorms. You gotta out sack him on the quad. Is that a competitor? Can you win at sack? I mean, if other people are watching you can. You can be more stylish. Because if they see you, you lose. But if you could secretly hack for long enough, then that's the only way to win. And even that is, you can see, Jesus can see you. Jesus always knows when you're playing hacky sack. And he's always, I bet, I want to hit you with this idea. I bet if they had been around and they may very well have been, if they had been around in biblical times, Jesus and the

disciples would have had. Oh my God, are you kidding? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Fully, right? Sandals. Drink this wine. It is my bud. Play with this hacky sack. It is awesome. What the law sources? That's in the Gnostic Gospels. Judas dropped the sack. Get out of here, Judas. Get out of here, Judas. I'll teach you. Do you still have my rusted root CDs? We're trying to feel something over here. See, I would submit that I think hack technology could have existed. It's a fucking bag filled with beans. Yeah, it ain't exactly space age. Like they could put bag of sand, a sandbag, basically, right? Problem with sand is that it's going to dampen the kinetic output of your limbs. You really gotta get beans in there because beans, they give you

for all we know, Jesus was hanging out playing cornhole. No, I, okay, that's possible, I guess, like that. I mean, again, that technology, he was a carpenter. Yeah, today. So Jesus invented cornhole. Today, Joshua, I will take you out back and teach you how to make a sweet cornhole bowl. You have to paint it with your favorite NFL team logo. My name is Jesus and I talk like my favorite team is the Saints. Bask in it. My name is Jesus and I talk like a text-to-speech converter. I have a Yahoo that I think we should explore. Hit me. This one was sent in by Adam Jorgensen, or perhaps Jorgensen. Thank you, Adam. That last name. It's by Yahoo Answers User, Big Heart, who asks, how many different types of sex is there? Things are about to get real blue on this

show, so this is a dad alert. Dads, click it off. Moms, you can stay. I mean, like, breakup sex, makeup sex, angry sex. I need a roof over my head sex or my personal favorite. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We just watched, I need to try that sex. I need a roof over my head, like, homeless person sex. I just wonder how many you can think of. I think it means, like, I need a place to stay tonight. Can I crash into your place? I'll fuck you. I'll give you this. I'll give you this. I need a ride to the airport sex. I need a ride to the airport sex is good sex. I ran out of toothpaste sex. A cup of sugar sex. Surf and turf sex. Mm-hmm. Time travel sex. The technology for that.

Well, of course, it wouldn't exist in the modern day, but, like, that time travel sex is when you go back in time and tell someone, like, if we don't do this, if we don't do this, scientists of my day, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. They have a calculator in the blank. Yeah, right. Hurry down Tuesday. That's that sort of thing. That's a fine type of sex. That's how you, that's, and then you birth yourself. You give birth to yourself. Uh-huh. You're your own dad. That's that paradox sex. There's, um, pretending to be someone's guardian angel sex. That's a great one. Mm-hmm. Can you, can you expound? Can we explore that? Yeah, what's the line there you give them? I'm doing this for your own good. Yeah. I gotta save you. There's a earthquake that's about to

happen. I gotta, I gotta nail you down. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. There's a lot of manipulation in your guys' sex. I wish it would be more consensual, because a lot of this is, like, putting pressure on someone of a sort of universal scale, and I'm not sure that's even romantically fair. I mean, there's all kind of, like, there's forthright sex. There's, there's straightforward no fool in sex. There's, thank you so much for the lasagna sex. Which is different than all the other, um, pasta gratitude sexual encounters. Right. Um, lasagna, you really give it that special something, because it takes... Well, it's multi-layer. It takes so long to make, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's commitment. Uh-oh, sex. Birthday sex, R. Kelly knows all about that. Mm-hmm. R. Kelly knows

about birthday sex? He has a song called Birthday Sex. Oh, does he? We could have a segment on this show where I just talked about R. Kelly song titles and how great they are. Like, like, pussy cry. There's, um... I think my house is haunted sex. Okay. Spectral sex. No sex. I don't feel safe, I don't feel safe in my own home. So you want to bone down? Uh-huh. To scare the ghosts away. Oh, that's right, because they can't look at this, at the sex happening. Uh-huh. Right. All right. Um, I think my bread is broken, but I'm not sure sex. Yeah, let's find out. Let's find out. Let's find out sex. Hey. Okay. To give you the acoustic sex. Taxi-acoust? That's my new sound proofing sex. Sex unplugged.

Did you guys hear Tracy Chapman last night? She was amazing. She needed a fast car, and I was like, slow down. Um... I'm going to lose it. There's a, there's a, I'm pretending you're Tracy Chapman sex. Is it all sex, is it all sex pretending you're Tracy Chapman sex? Yeah, technically all sex is pretending you're Tracy Chapman sex, but... Wait, pretending you're yourself? Other persons Tracy Chapman or pretending you yourself are Tracy Chapman? Yeah. Exactly.

Or pretending that you are Tracy Chapman making love with Tracy Chapman. That is a crazy, crazy afternoon. I'm gonna look up a really quick a JPEG of Tracy Chapman. Okay. Just not weird or anything, but let's just like... You, do you need to be able to like focus on her face when you're saying... Yeah, I can't make these goofs unless... Yeah, that's a good looking lady. She kind of looks like, um...

Kind of looks like, uh, I'm not actually looking at a picture right now. Let's, let's all take a break and look at a picture of Tracy Chapman. All right, everybody, let's take a second to contemplate Tracy Chapman. This is our, um, this is our new segment called look at a picture of Tracy Chapman. Guys, this is great, but I need to go have looking at pictures of Tracy Chapman sex. Okay, now how is that different from pretending you're part of Tracy Chapman sex? It's more active. It's more of a, it's more of a...

This is, this is the gun, the starting gun that kickstarted my heart. And now I got, I just have to go have sex. Got to. And of course I'm gonna think about Tracy Chapman during the act. Because I'm a man. You're saying it normally converts from one to the other. I'm saying there's a smooth transition. Not all Tracy Chapman sex is, let's all look at a picture of Tracy Chapman sex,

but all the other one, the other way around, flip it. So not all squares or rectangles, that kind of, all, yeah. Right, but all rectangles do want to make you have sexual thinking about Tracy Chapman. Okay, great. If you were to make a Venn diagram where Tracy Chapman was on one side of it and sex was on the other, it would be very close together. It would look like a match. Almost overlapping except for Tracy Chapman herself.

She would be on the outside. She is, she is of course asexual. She's in charge. She is, she's in charge. She runs this show. Hey Phillip, why is there not Evian in my, my trailer specifically says that I need that, need that thing. One of these days we're gonna do a bit where we make references to a relevant figure in the media.

And I think that'll probably be when the show ends. Well, you know why? Do you know why? At least for myself. First, I don't know that many new people that are around. Two, I'm not sure that I know enough about the new people to say things. If I say things about Tracy Chapman, no one knows enough about Tracy Chapman to call me on it. Hey, I feel like people who know me see me as a character rather than a real person.

It might be due to the fact that I'm very outspoken, wear big hipster glasses, or the fact that I'm a funny girl. I feel like when I talk to many of my acquaintances, they want me to perform for them or something. Anyway, how can I get people to see me as a normal person and not just a character? Should I just become more of an asshole and be less outgoing? Should I dress differently? Help me brothers, that's from normal and NYC. I think people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

Does that make any sense? Yeah. Hmm. So if you've spent all of your time playing into the perception that you are this funny performer for them, if that's the niche that you worked into the group, if you're like, hey, I'm the funny one and you embrace that and wanted to be welcomed in the group as that person, it's your job now to change that perception if you want to. The only thing you can do really is be yourself and if they like that person,

then you're going to keep hanging out. If they don't, you're going to be emailing us again in three months and say, how do I meet people? No one likes me. I used to be funny and outgoing and now I'm quiet. Yeah, I don't think the answer is like radically changing to the opposite end of the spectrum because there's a go, why are you being an asshole? And then you'd still be a character.

You'd just be sad girl with glasses. Right, the sad one. And I'd be willing to bet that without any background or further details, that this is a young person question. This is like either in college or fresh out of college, still figuring out who you are and like a solidifying personality. Yeah, because so much as you get older, so much of your, so much of this question is answered by your actions.

I mean, it has less to do with the sort of personality box that you built for yourself and more about the actual things that you do in your day-to-day life as things get, you know, as these relationships progress. Is there anything really wrong with being a character though? Well, I don't think there is. There are so many good characters out there. It depends on if it's sustainable. Like if you're the guy that drinks till five o'clock in the morning every morning

and then goes to work at seven and you're this wild, crazy part of your guy, that's not sustainable forever. You misunderstand. I mean an actual literal character from a literary work or movie or a book. You mean today I'm holding Caulfield for example? That is precisely what I mean. Like what kind of literary character do you... I mean like...

Like a Dorian Gray? Like a Dorian Gray? That's a little, I'm not sure that her friends would get that ref though. Also she would get that painting. I got that literary reference. There's a one with the painting in it. I mean like a character from Third Rock from the Sun. So you're saying she should embody a character played by say John Lithgow or...

I'm the Matrix. I'm the Matrix guy. Now the Matrix guy was not... The Matrix is not a character. You do realize that of course. Right, right, right. You mean that you mean... I'm Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

I'm the Goblet of Fire. It is a pleasure to meet you. Hippogriff. I'm casting a spell now. Hippogriff. I mean it could be a lady character. It could be a... Could be a...

Eat, pray, love. Who? Eat, pray, love. It could be eat, pray, love. Hi, I'm eat, pray, love. Do you want to go to India with me? This spaghetti is delicious. How...

I can do any... If you name any literary character such as anything from Eat, Pray, Love to the Goblet of Fire, I will impersonate that character. Mystic pizza. Mystic pizza? Oh, there's some spooky pepperoni. Pass the insight. Okay.

Okay. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Hey, come back here. Hey, hey. Hey. I'm all skin and undies down there. Come on back. I don't know how we can...

How she can use this. She can't just walk around without pants and say, Hi, I'm Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Because then... So, I got any other... You got any other characters for me? Or... All mine are empowered female groups.

Divine Secrets of the Aya Sisterhood, Fried Grand Tomatoes. This is all I got. These are crunchy, yet sour. I just learned about growing up. Um, Beaches? What? Beaches and or Moonstruck.

Beaches... Uh, Moonstruck, I have not seen. Beaches... When many throw wings? That's all I know about beaches. You got stomped. That was not good. I'm not sure of Beaches trivia.

Okay, was Beaches a book, though? I have a literary mind. I thought you were all into books now. You have a stake in them. Um... It proves me Beaches was a book. I have to believe that there is a book adaptation of the film Beaches. And I have to believe that I won all the book prizes that books can win.

Best book based on Beaches. And now, the 1997 Best Book Award goes to Beaches, the book of the movie with Bette Midler. You can only read it once because once you get to the end, your tears have soaked the book through. Just throw it away. Buy a new Beaches book. Buy two Beaches book.

I need your money! Mark Twain, come on up here. I need to have this award. I'm glad he came out of retirement to write Beaches, the book of the movie with Bette Midler. Also called Beaches. Also called Beaches. So, I guess, maybe act more like Mark Twain.

That your friends won't see that coming. Yeah, you know, don't sweat it too much. Here's what I would tell you. Don't start second guessing who you've been. Because it can feel like that sometimes. Like, oh, this is a front. This is a character. But everybody has a little bit of that because your true self,

you say, for the times when it's just you. I think, yeah, I think everybody, especially in like college, after college period, goes through that. Is this the real me? Or am I just being the me? My friends want me to be. You're getting too deep here. Just be you.

Be happy. Yeah. Eat, pray, love. Eat, pray, love. Pray, love. Go to India. India? Is that where they go?

Yeah. And eat, pray, love. The three of them. Eat, pray, and love. All go to India together. It's like Sex and City, but there's a lot more eating. Well, do you know where we're going to go? Uh, tell me?

The Money Zone. And first up on The Money Zone, we have some wedding well wishes to Jake Aaron and Lottie Young from Tom and Simon, who wanted us to know that they have two cats, Belle and Bowie, one of whom is presumably named after the musical star of Jake's favorite movie, Labyrinth, Belle and Sebastian. What? Okay. What?

Does the Belle and Sebastian you're saying was in Labyrinth? Yeah. Right. That's the fucking dumbest thing I've ever heard. What are you fucking saying? You have said the dumbest thing that has ever been said. I believe that's true. They're going to get divorced now.

Bummer. Oh, no. Good job, Drab. Oh, man. Thanks for your money, everybody. Use you soon to be divorced, lonely hearts. You give us money and we will give you lies in exchange. Also, we want to wish a super happy birthday to Anthony Edwards,

presumably not that Anthony Edwards from ER. That's from Melanie Lovelock, which is a great last name. Can we explore the possibility that she is wishing a TV show character a happy 36 birthday? We got to get into this thing again. Anthony Edwards is a real guy, okay? Not a character. God damn it. God damn it.

You did it again. I'm Dr. Anthony Edwards. I'm Dr. George Clooney. Do you need some medicine? I have it. So it's Anthony's 36 birthday, a great run on ER and many more birthdays to come. We also have Bloody Fantastical, that is a new dark fantasy slash horror podcast that's got violence and teeth and sex and fantasy.

Plus, there's English, an English guy with a set of pipes that will quote, I have been paid to read this, melt your socks right off. I cannot attest to that personally. My I do not wear socks. I'm more of a Sennachs type of guy or maybe like a slipper in the home. But I would like to think that my socks would burn, not melt unless they're plastic socks. What was it? Sennachs?

Sennachs, they're sandal shoes. Bottoms of them are sandals. The tops are just, I don't know. I think they're like hippie shirts that they cut up real thin and then sew them together in shoes. They're like. How can the bottoms be sandals? Like without the bottom sandals. But without the top part, it's just the sole of a shoe.

You're talking about water socks right now? No. You're wearing aqua shoes around your house. Do you wear these out of the house? What? Yeah, they're like socks you can wear outdoors. Socks or socks you can wear outdoors? Everything you're saying is bad.

They look great. It's a real beach you feel. Check out BloodyFantastical.com or subscribe. On iTunes. I can't do a jingle. I'm too fucking angry about you wearing beach shoes outside of your house at Not Beach. You don't live on the beach, Todd. That's your fucking name.

I love, I love that beach you feel. You have hookah shell, anklets, bracelets, and a necklace. Five, hey, five different hookah shells. If hacking is good enough for our Lord and Savior, I can wear hip sandal shoes. Think about it. Let me get my geek box. Just think about what you said. Sit me on my way.

On my way. Have we reached the new segment where we just do rested routine impressions? That's all I got. Now Griffin, you have, you have, rather than permanently stopped doing jingles forever. I came very close. I came very close to just smashing my guitar and never doing jingles again. Um, but Griffin has agreed to continue to do jingles, but only for corporate companies. He sold out instead of human beings.

I am not. He realized it's ridiculous for human beings to have jingles. I don't make any sense. I'm Michael. Michael's got the best hair in town. Everybody knows it's Michael. Like that doesn't happen. That can't do that anymore.

But he'll keep doing. So this week, uh, Griffin's going to, to the jingle for bloody fantastical.com. Um, all right. It's got a bonus English gentleman who himself might be a vampire. No weight. He just has bad teeth. Oh shit. That was kind of racist.

You paid your money and then I said a racist thing about you. Bloody fantastical.com. I am about to go to my junior year of college. My summer job is not paid well. I'm heavily considering selling marijuana when I get back to school to make some extra cheddar. Is this a bad idea? I am also a heavy marijuana smoker myself.

Great. Great. How's this business plan coming along so far? So far your business does not sound good. I want to open up a bakery, but I'm pretty much going to eat all of the bread myself. Love brownies. So I'm just, that's the situation. Listen, you know, you know who they don't let run the tricks factory?

Who? Tricks rabbit. Yeah, he'll chop them all down. All the best business plan. Google was founded when Dr. Google was super pot high. Really, really, really pot high. He was like, oh, I got an idea. The thing about it, though, the reason that didn't work out is he loved to eat

Googles. He was addicted to Googles and he was addicted to searching. But see, that was a good thing because that searching was not an inexhaustible product. I just don't see how you make the line between like, I'm going to go smoke some marijuana and I'm not going to smoke that, that I'm going to sell to people. I'm going to just smoke it. Here's the thing. I hate to be a stick in the mud, but of course it's not a good idea, dude.

It's sues illegal. It's like pretty illegal. It's like a pretty illegal thing that you can do. Not the most illegal place. You pretty much get caught doing that. You're out of college. You got the game. Maybe he's good at football.

You don't know. All right, that's fair. Hold on. You're allowed to just sell weed? You can do it. It is a fucking lawless, old West style. I got to get down on sports. You got to get up.

You just get the pig skin, kick it through the upright fork. You know, the big fork at the end. Yeah, sure. The score for kick it through that. Yeah. Get get through the score fork and get some girls. Full, full back and all.

You know, we can't tell you to sell weed. Obviously we have a lot writing on this program. We can't go back to prison. But we can't tell you to sell weed. We can't tell you the best way to sell weed, which is definitely by hiding it in those Mighty Max play sets and selling them on eBay. Okay.

You just sneak. There's so many secret chambers in that Mighty Max play set. You just sneak a little bit of conge in there and then. No, don't do it at all. Yeah, don't. How do you hit that in the eBay listing though? Say, he's got quite a yard. Mighty Max has got quite the lawn in here.

He's got a real, a real forest. Filled with pot. Oh, no. This Mighty Max is Mighty Green. Green. And then like a huge drinky face. This is his dankest adventure yet. Fighting is nemesis, the sticky icky.

Yeah. Um, I, you, I, I, I know that selling weed, I can't pass it. Apparently someone's doing it because everybody's got weed. Well, yeah, I, I imagine it's got to be like a, it's, it's like most things that are illegal, a quick buck. Yeah. Like, but it's still such a bad idea because the consequences, I think, outweigh the like, I've made some extra cheddar,

but also I went to prison for a little while. What you needed to find is a chemistry teacher who cooked for you. I guess in this case, like a botanist. A botanist who will grow for you. A down on his luck botanist, which I'm pretty sure is all of them. Pretty much all botanists everywhere. Um, you, you, you're not thinking of the long game, sir, Mr. Formspring, because you're going to need, you're going to need a new identity.

You're going to need a drug dealer identity. Have you even thought about that? What's your drug dealer name is going to be? Who's the, who's the best drug dealer name that you guys know in real life? Of the drug dealers, you guys know what's, what's the best, what's the best name? Dr. Shoot. That's not real. Nobody fucks around with Dr. Shoot for obvious reasons.

Travis, Travis, your turn. General Stabenstein. Yeah. I only know one drug dealer in Huntington. His name is Nike. That's all I got. That's really good. That says so many things.

That's pretty good, right? Because it's already branded. Like you don't even have to advertise. You got the advertisements covered. Um, this is my drug dealer, Vitamin Water. Yeah. You got to find some way to command respects so that people don't knock you over

and take all your, take all your jazz cigarettes from you. Because what I know about heavy marijuana smokers is those guys are fighters. Just spry and limber. You can't smoke it if you're selling it. You can't. You absolutely can't. You've got to make, and hey, you know, this is a great opportunity. You're about to make a bad life choice.

Why not counterbalance it? With a good life choice. I guarantee that if you stopped smoking for a while so that you could sell it, it would take care of the second one. You'd be like, oh wait, now that I've cleared this haze, this is a bad idea. Now, I think it's fine. Just, uh, don't, don't smoke it.

Maybe you could do a similar idea that's quite legal. And since you obviously know a bunch of other marijuana smokers, start a door-to-door hostess cupcake business. You're talking about a food delivery service for high people? Yeah, you just, you just bring munchies to them. Yeah. You guys need Starburst? I don't know.

You could drive them places. That would be a fun pot chauffeur. Ooh, you could sit next to them in class and movies when they start freaking out. And you just like pat their knee and say, it's gonna be cool. Carry a cool, damp rag with you everywhere you go. I see me when they freak out on hallucinogenic marijuana. Is that what you're saying?

Well, they start breathing heavy and they're like, I can't breathe. My throat's closing up. And you're like, no, it's not. You're fine. You're fine. This is just a SpongeBob movie. Don't worry.

Because that is what you would be watching. Don't sell marijuana. Don't do it. You're in college. But if you do- Just finish college. And then sell marijuana. Once you get your business degree-

You don't have to sell marijuana. You're gonna have a college degree. Yeah. Times are tough, Justin. It kind of, but it negates the purpose of having a college degree. If you also have to list on your application that you have been arrested for felony charges. Can I still just stop going to college?

Because you're already in the highest paying career you're gonna be able to net. Just go with this lifestyle. You just flipped a 180 sentence to sentence. Ride it dirty. That's all I'm saying. Listen, regulators, mount up. Don't listen.

Hear me out. Hear me out. I'm hearing. Go full criminal. If you're saying like, super criminal. Hey, why stop it? Why stop in marijuana? Go get some fucking sweet clunker.

It's still a clunker. Rob a bank. Stab a dude. It's time to break bad. Listen, the thing that is upsetting us about the idea of you selling drugs is you have so much to lose. Yeah.

You've got to get to rock bottom and then- Climb your way back up. You'll be unstoppable. The time has come for you to quit college and like break really bad. Do you know why they brought down Nancy Botlin from Wheeze? Because she got a family to worry about.

She didn't have a family. She'd still be on the streets selling. Yeah. Well, I stopped watching Wheeze a few seasons back, but I'm assuming that that's what happens. God damn, I want to go have some marijuana. Do you know where to get it? The question got me in the mood.

Hey, who do I talk to about marijuana? Where do you get it anymore? It's legal now, right? It's pretty much everywhere. More or less. Why don't you sell Salvia? Isn't Salvia legal? Fuck, don't sell Salvia.

No, that would be doing people a public service because nothing will make you want to never do drugs again like Salvia. Yeah. Oh, that's great. I just had tea with the devil and he told me he was going to kill me if I ever did this again.

Yeah, the devil was going to give me a prostate exam, so I think I'm going to go lay down in a room for a year. Okay, cool. Bye. Good experience. Bye, everyone. Good night.

Hey, great Halloween, everyone. Time to make a new set of friends because you all saw me cry and pee myself. I guess I'm not a character anymore. Now I'm that guy who pees himself. And rocks in the corner while the devil touches his butthole. Hey, how about a yahoo?

Oh, yeah, I'm ready. Okay, this yahoo was sent in by Mike Bernstiel. Thank you, Mike. It's by yahoo. It's a pretty cool name. Huh? Pretty cool name. Yeah.

Yeah, you know what? Now that you mention it, it is a pretty cool name. It's by yahoo. It's user PDFGhost who says, What are some good ways to look cool at the urinal? I'm trying to seem cool at work when I'm at the urinal lately while I'm peeing. I've been putting my hands in my pockets.

I've thought about resting my elbow on the wall and putting my head against my hand. Just kind of chilling. Acting like it's not even a big deal and I'm peeing. NBD. Any other ideas? It's not like I'm trying to hook up with any dudes. I just want people to think,

Man, that's a chill dude. And everyone has to go to the bathroom, so that's where you see the widest variety of people. Bring your office chair with you and just kind of recline. Oh, God, yes. Just roll in there like, what's up? Chill in, chill dude. Oh, and go to the tiny kids urinal.

Just lean back in your chair and hit it. It looks huge. They have a Mai Tai in your hand. I don't know how cool your office is, but if you can have a Mai Tai in your hand while you pee from your chair into a child's urinal, while your boss watches you. If you can do it hands-free and put both hands up

and a gesture that says, what the fuck? It's summer. Chill dude. And maybe like hang ten. If you can do some wall push-ups while you're doing it, get that, get diesel. Get pumped. Is it too complicated to do a touchdown dance

as you're like, when you're done or what? No, like as you're doing it. Yeah, I mean, it seems like a premature celebration because you don't know how long it's gonna go or if you're gonna go that dribble. If you do a bad job of it. Can you plank? Oh, you could if you had those like wall divider things

and you just laid across them. And you touch your wormy in one of the toilets. And you aim down. While you plank on it and you pee straight down. But if there are other people in that bathroom, I mean, if there are other people at the other urinals that you're planking on, that's gonna be a scene. That's gonna be a whole ordeal.

And what if they got one of those big pee troughs? I think there's laying in the trough. That would be perfect. I've seen some people at a Cubs game that just go to sleep in that trough. Daddy, is he planking? Like no, son. No, son.

He's half dead. That's JB. He's got pee around him. Although, although if you would look cool, pee on another guy. Who's the boss? Who's the boss? Who's the boss?

Oh, wait, you are the boss of this company. I'll go clean out my desk. Sorry about your... Maybe just move your desk into the bathroom. Yeah. Don't pee in a urinal. To take dominion back over your urination. Just pee in the middle of a conversation.

Pee in your pants? Then say I better go wash Bradley. Bradley, can you hold on for just one second? Okay, go on. Can you pee in your pants and then put your pants in the urinal while everybody's watching? And wash them in there like a little washing machine?

I'll get this later. Or just leave them behind. Yeah, I'll pick it up at five. Hey, Jerry. How are things in accounts? When Bradley Cooper took the limitless pill do you think he came up with the coolest way to ever use the urinal?

Can you just do what he does in that movie? So you've seen the movie, right? Have not seen it, but does he use a urinal at one point? He uses all the urinals. All of them at once. Limitless pill gives you five dicks that are very accurate each one. You know how human beings only use 20% of their dicks?

Bradley Cooper uses 100% of his five dicks. He does 500% all the time. That's what Limitless is all about. I thought I... Is that what it's about? To be fair, if that's what it was about, it would have been a way better movie. Just a ring of dicks.

Never any dicks around his... Like a Cthulhu. Like a very Cthulhu-esque situation. So I guess there's some cool things you can do. Can you flex? Can you thumb wrestle the guy next to you? There's so many options. Can you thumb wrestle yourself?

You can scream at the top of your lungs. Scream not again. Or I finally got it. Yeah, I got it. Can you open up a window and pee out the window? Just like... And put your arms up in a manner that says, I don't fucking care, man.

I think that part is good. I think that part is non-negotiable. You gotta put your hands together. It's gotta be like, fuck it. Just pee in. And I do love dropping pants and underwear. Hey, by the way... Oh, be a girl.

I think it's a pretty dope way to win at the urinal. If you're a girl, I think the day is yours. Hey, Dave, check this out. High five. I got it. You go to the stall and you sit down to pee, but you leave the stall door open. Oh, occupy.

Oh. No, don't worry. What are you looking at? Hey, we're all dudes... Hey, all dudes here. I'm just taking a break. Taking a... Taking a relaxer while I go.

This one's for me. This one's... Let me have it. This Tucker... This Tucker's for me. Does anybody have an O Magazine? I can prove. Got some good housekeeping in here.

You guys want to read? Oh, you can't read. You're standing up. Dummy's. You still use urinals? What a joke. I love this luxury. Like many of your fans,

I'm seeking a little advice about the ladies, specifically co-worker type ladies. I'm really into this girl and I'm pretty sure she's into me, but a lot of friends have told me that I shouldn't try dating co-workers. Do you guys have any advice you could give me bewildered in Brooklyn?

What is your job? I'm so angry at this person. Why? You gotta give us some detail. It depends on where you work. If you work in a blockbuster... Right, that's key. If you work in a blockbuster video,

then you should be fucking like the world is ending because it is for blockbuster video. If you guys are... At least your financial solvency is ending. If your lawyer partners, if your partner's at a lawyer firm, you probably shouldn't fuck because then you'd have to divorce the firm

if something bad happened. Then where would your clients go through? I know you and I are both lawyer partners, but I really think this is going somewhere. This fall on NBC, lawyer partners, they like Law and each other, and they kiss,

watch it. And Tom Kavanaugh is in it. And it's got Tom Kavanaugh. Of course he is. I think you ask her out. We know nothing about this girl. She could be poison. Like literal poison?

Like her skin is toxic? I'm saying that she has a big butt and a smile as I'm saying it's going to be a bad scene for you. Probably. I don't know. It depends. Okay, let's... There's so many factors here,

but let's say if this is a non-disposable job, by which I mean it's a job that... Like a career. A career. Thank you, Travis. Yes. If it's your career, I don't think intra-career dating is such a great idea,

but here's the thing though. Here's the thing. And this is where maybe I'm out on my own here. If she is that special somebody, if she's your special one, then you move heaven and earth. You quit your lawyer job. You get a new lawyer partner.

If she's that special somebody, but you need to make sure, I think you need to get to know her as well as you can in the office situation. You could date her. Absolutely. I think you got to quit your lawyer job for this girl. You got to open up a bowling alley in your hometown

and just chase her down this fall, Tom Kavanaugh. Catch it NBC late night, 8 o'clock Sundays. Catch it. Please catch it. And buy a book. Please catch it. Buy the book.

For the love of God. Buy the book. This is Ed, the book. I wrote a novelization of the TV show. I wrote a novelization of a show that was kind of okay, that got canceled a decade ago. Please buy it.

And also Michael Leigh and Black was in it. So you should check it out. Michael Leigh and Black isn't in the book per se, but his name is. Just over and over again. It's the title of every chapter. Please buy it. Hey, anybody smell that?

I smell another Pulitzer from Mark Twain. Coming this fall from Mark Twain. Thank you. Ed, the book. Ed, the book. You love Beaches, the book. The movie, the book. The movie Beaches, the book.

Remember when you love the book of the movie, Beaches by Mark Twain? Get ready, experience magic again. When he takes, takes to the page with his quill. Put in the paper. Foo Fighters come on up because you won Best Theme Song for a book. Every time you open it.

I think that you can take co-workers. But I think Justin is right. And it has to be worth it. It can't be like, oh, you know, we kind of click a little bit, I guess. And I think I got a boner. So you could get a lot of the information that you need by going to like business lunch.

Like, do you want to go to business lunch today? And, you know, that's great. You talk, you pick things up. There's nothing sexually threatening about taking a girl to Chili's. She will be none the wiser. Especially if she's in like a pantsuit

and you're in a suit. Clearly we're out of place here with the TGI Fridays. I have a negative, I have a negative boner right now. My boner went in. That it'll be the situation where the server will say, how are these checks being split up? And you just laugh and laugh and laugh. Because of course you're going Dutch.

Look at you, you're in business. She's wearing a pantsuit. She doesn't want you to take the shit. I've got a briefcase here at TGI Fridays. I'm going to put my styrofoam container of stakums into my briefcase. I spilled Chimmy Rito sauce in these documents. Guys, well, we're going to lose that big case.

We're going to lose our big client. He will be put to death in the electric chair because of my sloppy eating. But that, but she was right. The guac was worth it. Mm-hmm. I'd kill him. Now we're in love.

That is how I met your mother. The end. Season eight show. Season eight, the end. Oh, Christ. Man, I want some marijuana and some Chimmy Ritos right now. This show's just filling me with ages. I'm not even sure Chimmy Ritos is real.

Why do I need it up? Sure they are. That's Chimichanga Doritos. It's a mashup. Chimichanga. It's a food. Chimichanga blasted Doritos. It's a food portmanteau.

And also Tom Cavanaugh is there. Also Tom Cavanaugh is there in the sequel to Ed, the book. Ed closes down a bowling alley, opens up a Chili's. Do you guys know what day it is? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's gonna be a long episode, but we got to do it because people have to be aware

of the things that happen in August. What day is it, Griffin? What day is it? There's actually a list of days. It's a. No, I don't want to. Lighthouse day. It's assistance dog day,

particularly preposterous packaging day. Oh, how whimsical. Oh, golly. That is actually the most foppish day of the year. Every month, Griffin chooses an awareness. Justin acts like he hates it, but I think he loves. Secretly, he loves it. So what, Griffin?

Have you pre-selected one, I hope, this month? I have, I have, I have. I mean, there's plenty of good options, like motor sports awareness month, and celery, fennel, and cactus month. Like that's a lot of things for a month to have in it. But I think that what we need to go with. You think you're saying fennel should have its own months?

I'm saying fennel, celery, and cactus should each have their own months and not be. I just don't know how cactus fits in there. It's kind of an odd man. Yeah, I can't, I can eat celery and fennel. I won't like it, but I definitely can't eat cactus. I can just drink it. It is.

Get ready for kindergarten month. And we have a lot of pre-pre-pre-pre-teen listeners that I think we need to take care of their needs. Dear my brother, my brother, and me, I'm going to be a junior in kindergarten, and I need some more cheddar. Can I sell marijuana? Get ready for kindergarten by finding a bodacious

strain of marijuana that will take everyone to high town. Oh, this, this glue stick purple is delicious. Glue stick hookup? You want to go over there to short arrow? My brother, my brother, and me. What can we tell these, what can we tell these kids to get them ready for, because it's not just kindergarten, it's school.

We're getting them ready for the idea of school. Hey, shit's about to get really bad for like 13 years. Get ready to not do all those things you wanted to do whenever you wanted to do them ever again for 13 years. You like cartoons? Now we're going to see those again. Kids at school are going to know if your tan's fake. Don't let mommy spray tenure.

Good color. Good base. You got to get a good base before you go to kindergarten. Mm-hmm. That's so cool. You got to get a good base. You got to get a beach as a lunch box. Something relevant for the kids.

I don't even know what the, I'm, I'm no joke. I don't even know what an appropriate lunch box would be anymore. Do they do lunch boxes? Ah, fuck. They might not even do lunch boxes. They just all roll up with cliff bars. Cliff bar shake. Mal jeans.

To be fair, I went to kindergarten in the OC. So, yeah. Hey, teach this water fountain fucking suck. Sucks. Can I get a Brita in this bitch? Is this even filtered? I need it bubbly, bitch. Filter this.

Filter this shit. I'm leaving. Where can my security guard sit? What? Do, okay. I really do feel like maybe the most important tip is find out if people stop lunch boxes. Because god damn, can you imagine being the one guy to roll up and like

throw the explorer? Love it. I got my lunch in here. That's going to be your whole identity. Because you can like throw it away and be like, oh, it's an ironic lunch box. That's how I'm meeting you guys. This is a joke. I'm one of those hipster kindergartners you read about.

Oh, they have to exist, right? On their fixie tricycles? Like, yeah. This is a fixie big wheel. Don't worry about it. Are these free range animal crackers? Got to know. If these have been caged.

I'm ironically eating these animals. A droll. I don't even like Dunk Roos. I don't even like Dunk Roos. Oh, look at me. I'm part of the proletariat. They're delicious, get it? Where's my cliff bar?

Oh man, I really am so disconnected from... We got to have some fucking kids, you guys. Do kids? Somebody just like us. One of us needs to have kids like a scout. Yeah. Just so we know what's going on. So we can like, we got it.

We got our fingers in pretty much every demographic. But we don't have our fingers in any kids. Get ready for kindergarten. Don't let adults put their fingers in here. That's bad. That's not how it works. That's bad. It's a bad look.

I think that my problem in trying to answer this question is that I picture kids as just like tiny adults. Like that they're into the exact same stuff that adults are into. That's why we're not parents. Because we're, we all operate under that illusion. Like if we ever had kids, we'd be like, hey, there's a new Grindhouse movie coming, you're like, oh, you're three. Ah, shit.

Oh, you've got to try this seasonal ale. Ah, you're three. You can't do this. You want some more bacon? You're one. You're one. Don't have teeth yet. Can't nom this bacon yet.

Oh man, that is so weird to think about. There are humans on this planet that can't eat bacon. Like little, little people, just like you and I. Little people and also Jewish people. Also can't. I don't think that's true. If it's, it's not kosher. Pretty much.

I think everyone other than Americans. Yeah. And Canadians. Canadians are eating thin ham though. Don't let them fucking fool you. That's fair. Get out of here. Nice, nice try, Canada.

Canada, your music and comedy is great. Your bacon sucks. Your bacon is fucking really bad. I had some smoked bacon yesterday at the Blind Pig in Louisville, Kentucky. Boy, that was, boy, that was good. I had bacon ice cream. Travis had bacon ice cream. Big chunks of caramelized bacon in it.

I want to hear Griffin's last question. We really got off topic there. Yeah, that was a pretty, that was a pretty dramatic shift. But you know what? Topic and tone. When I was four going on five, nobody gave me any fucking pearls. Just tough it out, kid. That's how you get to be like us.

Tough it out, pussy. My brother and my brother and me. There it is. So this is my brother and my brother and me. It's our show. Thank you for listening to it so much. Thank you once again for joining us for this hour. I need a podcast where three people,

three grown adults yell at kids. We got that for you. Yeah, we got one of those right here. We really appreciate everybody talking about our show on Twitter. Of course, Austin and Mariko is there getting it, getting it done. Ducklips 513. Cocaine Lawls.

Oh, oh, oh. We also have to give like a huge thank you to Casey Green. You can find his stuff at CaseyGreen.com.com. And he wore a MBAM t-shirt in the Boston Globe in a picture. On a piece about webcomic writers living in Boston. And I want to take a moment to thank, we have, I don't know that we've ever thanked the webcomic community,

but holy shit, they come out in swarms to talk about them. Yeah. We're talking about, we're talking about big name players like Emily Terrible, talking about Boxer, talking about Boxer Hockey. Darben, talking about all, all the good, all the good comics. So thank you guys so much. If you ever want to make comics, let us know.

We'll pose. We'll pose for you. We'll pose for them. Pose, pose nude. Yeah. Yeah. We want to make nude comics. Sell them.

We'll be super nude. How nude do you want it? Pose. It's a sliding scale. Pose as nude as you want. You better give me Minotaur legs though. Minotaur legs are no deal. mbmbam.com is our website.

At mbmbam is our Twitter. Use the mbmbam hashtag. Congratulations to our buddy, Brennan Floss for crossing 10,000 followers. If you get, if you go to mbmbam.com, all the ways to contact us are on there, the email, and you can go to form spring and stuff like that. Guys.

And what? Holy shit. Jesse Thorn had a baby. Jesse and Theresa. Oh my God. Congratulations, you guys. It is the most adorable human being I've ever seen. Can't eat bacon quite yet.

It'll get there though. Yep. Simon Thorn. So welcome to the world, little guy. Um, thank you. Simon Travis Thorn. Yeah. I can only assume.

Simon mbmbam Thorn. Welcome to the world, little buddy. Thank you to John Rodgers, the long winners for our awesome theme song. Go buy that record. It's putting the days to bed. It's putting the days to bed. Just listen to it.

Know the record. Just go buy it and listen to it. Spotify. Is that a verb? Yeah, you can Spotify things now. Verbs are created instantly now. You don't have to wait on those. Okay.

And that's everything. Thank you guys so much. Make sure you come back next week. We'll do it again. If you wouldn't mind just like tell someone that you care about, maybe burn them a CD. Maybe burn them a CD or put it on a floppy disk and put it in their A drive.

Mm-hmm. For floppies. That's where floppies go. I have a Yahoo that I'd like to consider over the next week. Okay. All right. Something to grow on. I won't answer next week's question.

Something to grow on. Something to think about. Hey, you already, you skipped to the thinking. Mm-hmm. That's what I was wondering. Send in by LouisDog. Thank you, LouisDog. That's why Yahoo answers you as your Tom12.

That's kind of a long one. Who asks? Damn it. Can pregnant women go swimming? Is it possible for pregnant women to go swimming without unintentionally drowning the baby? How far? How can the baby breathe if the vagina is under water?

Should the mother keep her vagina above the water so the baby can breathe through it? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother and my brother and me. It's your dad. It's the way on the lips.

Keep your heart through stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart through stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. These stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.