My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 662: The Consequence Rate

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

We know sometimes the advice we give is unusual, but we would have a 100% success rate if people just followed it. Like some of the questions in this episode, which could just be solved easily with a desk full of jelly and knocking down all of the walls. Or, if all else fails, dual percussive massagers.Suggested talking points: Simply the Guest, Cyber Salsa and Cryptacos, Deez Sour Balls, Theraguns Akimbo, Talk Nerdy to Me, Flay Bobby FlayBrady United: https://www.bradyunited.org/ 

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? To a precious friendship I could've never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life, it feels like

It's better, it's better with you My life, it's better, it's better with you This is true, it's better, it's better with you My life, it's better with you Hello everybody and welcome, my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the Modrin era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy And I'm noted intellectual and middleist brother, Travis McElroy And I'm Griffin

I wanted to play a new game I invented Good For you guys, and I am pretty good at inventing games And this one was just whatever Until it congealed last night for me, I'll tell you how Cool So this game is called Simply the Guests And I'm gonna take you inside a celebrity podcast

And you are gonna tell me who the host of the podcast is Okay From me giving you the guests Can I just say to the title, a touching tribute What do you mean? To Travis' bit No, Tina turned her past yesterday She did?

Oh, yeah This is... That didn't text me, so I didn't find out about it That's sort of my... Simply the guests Can you guess from the guests Simply the guests Can you guess from the guests

Yeah, so thinking about Tina Turner really helped me to come up with the name for this Good And it's supposed to be the guests Good Okay, are you ready? Yeah, man I only have one round Then today

So this is sort of a mini pilot version of Simply the Guests You're assuming that this will take a lot less time than I think it's gonna take Are you ready? Yeah, let's go Yes Okay, the first guest on this podcast, Billy Ray Cyrus Are you gonna tell us the name of the podcast? No, that's what we have to guess

No, I can't No, no, no, you have to guess the host Based on the guests And then the bonus extra credit will be for the name of the podcast Let me ask you a question before we get any deeper into Simply the Guests How feasible is this? Is this a game where we can take the data that you give us, just goosh it around in our mind cavity Can I say to you?

Yeah If your third eye is fully open Okay It will be an absolute breeze If you are half paying attention, I give you even odds But I think the two of you together absolutely can guess Okay, because sometimes, Justin, when I bring a game to the table The difficulty level is like first time you fight Sephiroth and you're supposed to lose

And then you like wake up at a different caffeine level Okay, great What I'm saying is if your heads are on a fucking swivel, this is a big brick of marble And every single one of these names will be a piece that you're chipping away until you're left only with this person Okay, I'm ready Billy Ray Cyrus is the first guest ever Billy Ray Cyrus First guest ever on the show

Yeah Oh, okay I'm writing to you the guests in order, unedited That is extremely helpful information Thank you for clearing that up, Travis Yes John Carter Cash It's the second one

That is the son of Johnny and Jim Billy Bush Okay Albert Pujols Okay Justin, my head's on a swivel, but it's hurting my neck, me, to do it to go around Okay, okay, okay Adam Corolla

Does that help? It doesn't, it hurts Huh Clint Black Okay Is there a reason why there's so many country music? Interesting Interesting

That's like, that's maybe a macro that you could put a pin in Okay Hey, here's the next guest, is Gary Busey? So Phil Okay, is the host Blake Shelton? No, not Blake Shelton Okay And what, okay, this is the most natural, obviously the abuse

And then you have Katie Couric Whoa, okay, that gets rid of a lot of my guesses, actually It starts to chop away the base It chops the list a lot, because I was starting to think like, you know, early Sorbo But I don't think Katie would go on Sorbo You're like, okay, you're like Griffin Yeah You're doing good

Can I say, you're both doing good See, I'm thinking what's the crossroads between country music and cinema Okay, I'm afraid we're gonna have to give it, this will give it up soon But we're gonna keep, we're gonna keep moving, okay? Okay Dr. Drew Dr. Drew But Katie Couric, Gary Busey, Katie Couric, Dr. Drew

Dr. Drew Okay, wait This is what you can say about this person Big tent A big tent Yeah A big open mind This is outside of the information you've agreed to give us, so you don't have to say yes or no here

Would we agree to be on this podcast? It doesn't, it does not fucking sound like it I think, I like to think we'd have a nice long talk about it How's that? With the host of the podcast I like to think we think about it Okay I am, I am, I'm feeling good, I have an answer that feels good

You have, we have, can you say what it is, Griffin? Can I say what my guess is? Yeah, do you want to guess? I'm thinking of online Wait, wait, wait, okay Online, somewhat conservative leaning movie stars I think it's fucking Randy Quaid Here, let me finish the list, we have like four more guests, okay?

Your reaction makes me think it's not Randy Quaid Sharon Stone is after Dr. Drew Okay Interesting Dr. Drew Sharon Stone And here, we're ending the, these are, we're coming up in the last five episodes of this podcast that exist Okay Is it ongoing this podcast?

Oh, that's a good question too, it's so rocking No, it did one season at the same time Everybody else did a podcast Okay, got it, got it, got it Martin Short, oh my god Interesting I'm way off Mike Lindell, the MyPillow guy

Oh wow What? I'm back to Randy Quaid I'm back on Randy Quaid Jim Brown Say that last one again Jim Brown, Hall of Famer Jim Brown, and the last guest In, in this podcast history, Anthony Fauci

What the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah man Dr. Drew and Anthony Fauci on the same season MyPillow guy and Anthony Fauci separated by two episodes Okay When, when did the MyPillow guy episode come out? Cause we were all swept up in MyPillow guy fever

When MyPillow guy first started jumped out on the scene The episode is called MyPillow guy Mike Lindell on addiction, pillows, and receiving God's message Huh Travis, if you would like to request one episode title from any of the celebs mentioned Yeah, yeah, yeah We'll provide that to you now Oh, is that mine? In fairness

Okay, that's fair No, no, no, you've introduced the idea so you get another one If there's a, if there's a celebrity you'd like to hear the angle they're coming at it from I want to hear the Sharon Stone title Interest, that was a great choice Sharon Stone on pandemics, social justice movements, and animal actors Interesting Here's the thing, is that I want to know Albert Pujols, but I don't think the information will be helpful

You want to know Albert Pujols? I want to know Albert Pujols' description, but I don't think it will be helpful For the, for the solution to the crime that we're trying to solve I'll say I want God Geez Yeah, this is You know what, let's go first

Albert Pujols, Albert Pujols may help Okay, Albert Pujols then Albert Pujols on baseball, down syndrome, and living the American dream Baseball Hmm, why, was there another baseball player on the list? There was a football player on the list Jim Brown was a footballman Yeah

Alright Now, here's the thing Here's also a note, lose sight of all the country music stars in the beginning Okay, okay, that's fair I skipped Jimmy Morris is another baseball player that has been on the show Interesting And that's helpful in some way

I did not say that I'm gonna, I'm gonna give one more guess You asked about baseball, I skipped him because I don't know who that is Okay, okay Maybe gonna use fun, I didn't want to confuse things I got it But he's another baseball player You guys need to talk to each other

Travis, if it's not Randy, who is Randy Quaid adjacent? I don't, it's not like, it ain't Sorbo, it ain't fucking Randy Travis I think has recently expressed some stuff And this I don't even know who Randy Travis is Country singer Country music's Randy Travis Wait, not Travis Tritt, I might be thinking of Travis Tritt

No, you're thinking of Randy Travis Tritt, their son Their son that they had together See, I'm still doing a podcast, you guys, you gotta do a podcast with me I'm trying to Griffin, you just froze, you just frozen the most thoughtful possible expression, it's amazing I gotta look at my Travis's No, okay, I'm thinking of Travis Tritt Justin, can you at least tell me, am I going down the correct path?

I'm walking down a path called Randy Quaid, am I walking down a true and correct path Or am I way fucking off? Yeah, yeah, you're not in the wilderness Could be Dennis Quaid Dennis Quaid, I feel like has a strong connection to baseball And Christ And I'm gonna say Dennis Quaid, final answer Final answer, Griffin

I think Travis has got it It's Dennis Quaid Now, stop, name the show Here's the bonus to Dennis Quaid It is a pun A Dennis pun? A Dennis pun The Dennis office

Okay, keep talking The Dennis office The Dennis office is no Travis, that Griffin did bad, what do you got? It doesn't have to be funny or clever Cause it's not ours, we're just trying to guess it Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm trying to Chip away

Dennis something, it's something with Dennis It's something with Dennis, so it's not like Quaid I will warn you about this It fucking hits Shit, you're gonna, you will be like Yeah, that's the best one You guys found it Dennis, it's not Dennis the Menace

It's not Dennis the Menace, no Dennis There's just not many words that sound like Dennis It's the Dennis Chair One word One word, the first half is Dennis Is it Dennisance?

It's the Dennisance That's it, that is it The name of the podcast is the Dennisance That is it Yeah, that's good Let's say this To protect ourselves When you started, you started

When you started saying Randy Quaid In my head, I was like, I felt like Dennis was like Kaiser Soze Blending it behind him I forget about Dennis's leanings sometimes That's Dennis's whole, well, here This guest list is wild

It runs again Has to be the most diverse crowd of like And Justin, you weren't wrong If we got an email from Dennis Quaid Being like, come on our show We talk about it He's our frequency I don't know, man

He was in frequency, that film slaps He was in frequency That baseball player, by the way, was the rookie Yeah And I thought Martin Short would When you said Randy Quaid And then I said Martin Short right after I thought you were going to make that leap to Dennis

But people forget about Dennis Well I think for a long time People forgot about Randy And then Randy was like, how do I come screaming in here In such a way that I'm going to overshadow You know what, I've got it Randy is like

A zucchini you left in The bottom drawer, without our attention He has grown feted and wild Yeah, sure He's built his own ecosystem Around himself down there I'm part of the CRISPR Okay

This is an advice show This is to Dennis Keep it up Keep it up, get back in the game I guess you did that one When everybody else did one Hey, do you know that there's two other Quaid siblings? Fuck off

No way Yeah, Randy Quaid It can't be that That's not it And Buddy Quaid Randy Quaid Sounds like if he was casting a remake of some Like it Hot, that would be like his

His character Now, oh, I see, Randy Quaid is a stepsister Okay, that actually makes more sense Weirdly, that you wouldn't arrive at that Naturally I think is It's very encouraging My boyfriend and I were looking

For a bar Before your Columbus Taz show And walked by one that looked Empty and not like our vibe But it had tended windows, so it was hard to tell We walked to another bar And inside the door person flagged us down And said someone was looking for us

We were already inside this other bar When the woman who was working at the first bar Said she saw us looking in And said, please come into my bar We have cheaper drinks Get out now We were confused and started Startled and decided to stay at the bar already yet

But we weren't sure if we regretted it Because this person went through the effort To not have a block, crossed the busy street Went through an evolving door to get to us Also, the drinks at the bar were expensive Should we have gone back To the other bar instead That's from Confusing Columbus

You should not have gone back to the other bar Let's answer that right now One, Justin You were pursued And you know what, even removing Is like, oh, it's a trap kind of feeling If you go in there The owner of this bar, the person working

There is so little business That they can leave The bar To pursue you There's going to be so much focus on you The singular customer That could be good though That could be good

Because what if this Young entrepreneur has some Stories Do you know what I mean? I'm always Young entrepreneurs talk to me more I'm always Just waiting for

The next entrepreneur to tell me The big cool story At a business or party That I go to And this is an opportunity It may not be a very good story But they are going to be focusing completely on you You're not going to have to wait for drinks

In fact, I bet you can probably get those bad boys first Dime in a song if you really wanted to Say, it's either this Or no business You hold a tremendous amount of power You can negotiate Don't do that Don't negotiate about drinks

But I would also ask In reading this question It seems to me that Whoever has done the bar Design Branding Has done a poor enough job That this isn't the first time this person has done this

The idea that it's like The next person that looks in this window I'm going to get them This is something they have had to do Yeah I don't care for that The story that you're going to get From this young business person

Is very exciting and could be anything War or like a celebrity Or like any kind of Cool crime Like any kind of cool story But their windows on this bar Are so tinted that you cannot see into them And I don't like being in any kind of

In closed space where that's true I want all eyes on me Outside for accountability Purposes and security purposes If someone's like where was the last place You saw him, I need someone to be like It was like 20 minutes ago over there In this big window, he was on display for everybody

And he kept his hand up against the window And like every so often would move And hold up today's newspaper It was very helpful I do like though I owned a customer based business I do like the move Of like if I had a restaurant

Next to another restaurant And I saw somebody go in that restaurant Of walking in there and walking up to him Like hey before you order, my food is cheaper Are you certain You don't want and this bread Is fine, my bread I put way more in the basket for you

Here's what I'll say, Tom Green did do this He got to this first He used in on his television show He had a thing called undercutters Where he would travel around With a tackle box Of toppings and a crust And then as the person was going to the door

To get their pizza He would open his and make the pizza they had And try to sell it for less To them and leave the other guy out of the car That's very good And that didn't catch on because I kind of felt like He might shark tank that if it was Effective

He probably would have called it shark tank though He would have called it shark tank He would have called it shark tank Yeah, it's kind of south part Very irrelevant A reverent is what I meant to say And I feel like I might have Didn't mean to drag Tom

It's irreverent He's clearly irrelevant I just talked about There is In Austin On 6th Street There's just all bars They have to compete

For foot traffic so much That basically every bar has A sentry posted outside Who is Handing out flyers and yelling And trying to get you to come in That energy sucks for me So bad

I guess people on there grind It's an avenue of broken dreams Anytime I walk down 6 And I'm like no That doesn't quite seem Nice but The windows don't get to the game stop If you guys could just let me

Excuse me Why don't you just This person should be advertising on the outside That they have the competitive advantage In a specifically hyper local sense The sign outside should say Cheapest drinks on the half block On this half of the block

This is the cheapest drinks I would like to Griffin Big investors Real angel investors I might get a crack at this beautiful egg Justin will see how Competitive the video gets

Maybe your crypto shit is going to pay off someday I don't have crypto shit I want to buy Cybersalsa Cybersalsa Crypt tacos And then I do You know what Superman hates cleaning up

While I tell you it's crypto shit I get it Hey did we ever talk about how The thing that kills Superman Is also what he named his dog Okay so That's pretty good Traff I want to buy up a line of those bars

On 6th avenue But then I'm going to knock down Whatever I'm going to knock down the dividing walls But keep all the facades the same That kicks ass Travis You are basically pitching A Exiting a Disney park

Turbo store Where it's just one half mile long corridor Of shops With basically the same shit In all of them So that way you can go into the entrance Of whichever one feels like your vibe But then inside it's all pretty much the same bar

That's fucking great Like a little Mars bar Of just different experiences That's really good Traff This is what Disney does Outside the thing it'll say Crystal shop enter here And next door it's like framed photos

And then you go in and just like Here's Mickey's balls on his shirt It's all the same shit You want some goofy Hey we let goofy make sour balls No they don't do those anymore They don't do those anymore They don't do the goofy sour balls anymore

Listen that was the only confection That that mouse in his business Has ever created That I was like deeply into And then goofy took his sour balls away There is only one way you could know that And that is if you went to someone Who was employed by the mouse

It was like what's up I said where's goofy's sour balls And they said we don't do those anymore People were saying too much rude stuff About it Goofy got upset They said why are your balls so little Goofy

They said that to Goofy To George Gief George Gief they would go to him And say your balls are so small And so sour Wash your little balls Goof Gooster And he'd be like wash these

And they'd be like these what And he'd be like these nuts get out of my fucking house But then they would be like we were already talking About testicles Goofy You can't these nuts that Borsh yeah Borsh You guys have another question

Yeah I feel like Travis is going to do a shark tank bit But forgot about it and that's fine No I said I said I was I want to knock down the walls between the bars Oh okay I got you I need six million dollars please I'm enrolled In summer college courses

In one of my classes a guy in front of me Likes to stretch backwards over his chair with his eyes closed His head basically ends up right on my desk And he will breathe in my face I had uh I've had to move my laptop To stop him from laying on it Am I the weird one for staring at the guys

He disrupts all my belongings in my personal space He does it more than five times a class It's very awkward and it makes it hard to focus on the lecture Should I say something Help me brothers how do I stop this Stretching bandit from stealing my peace of mind That's from cramp college Co-ed in Canada

Very good I got it I got a way you can fix this real quick Get your laptop Close it up Open up a quick jar Just get a quick jar of it Smell a whole bunch of jelly on it

On your desk On your desk Smell a whole bunch of jelly on your desk Sort of a double edged sword though Bubble leans back Is that jelly Never does it again Never does it again

Game set Match You gotta This person's obviously crossing Some pretty literal And figurative emotional Social boundaries Unthinkable and tenable

But If you wanted to deal with the problem Just a quick like Obviously they're having some upper back Neck, shoulder Issues Give them a little A helpful chop

We're not saying to hurt them But obviously some shits out of alignment Oh they need a chiropractic Adjustment Give them a surprise chiropractic adjustment No don't do that But Theragun's a Kimbo Get in there and get into those knots

And those muscles Just to clarify so far The options we've offered I think in jelly Come at them with Some surprise therapy We have not offered Saying excuse me you're kind of in my space

If you could not do that anymore That's out That's wrong And the only reason Travis is that it's not very funny And it doesn't give us very much room to play with And what if The obvious concern for all of us Is that if you said that

And this person said you're nothing Funny and no one likes you And it's like they see right through Then you gotta drop out of college Then you have to quit college And never talk to anybody ever again Okay so if that's the case then Bunch of broken glass in the jelly

Justin, Travis This person is in pain This person's in pain You need to get dual percussive massagers And help Your fellow person That's nice Another thing you can do is when they lean back

Hover over them and say there's my sweet boy That could be a little kiss on the forehead Probably not a little kiss on the forehead No we're not just gonna randomly kiss somebody You're right Little close This is a good opportunity for you to teach him about Constant

You don't know how my permission to get up In my DMZ That's my desk militarized zone That's where I have all these little toy soldiers here In jelly Here's a sticker on your forehead instead Think about it Of a kiss

Here's a Hershey kiss on your forehead Oh no, I've incentivized the leaning back Please don't do that anymore That's a gold star, dang it Damn it Now you start leaning forward to stretch And see if you can time it out So you're going back and forth

Until everybody's doing it, what's that? It's the wave, you're welcome That's interesting Here's one thing that I feel like gets lost In the shuffle sometimes with my brother If you did all these things The problem Would cease to be

This would fix the problem Like this one's solved Like you do all these things This isn't a problem anymore We've got like a 100% success rate If our advice is implemented What we don't talk about Is the percentage of the consequence rate

Which can sometimes far exceed Far, far, far exceed The original problems We don't give tactical advice Consequences, go to the Denisons Consequence free Come here Or Randy Quaid's podcast that he probably does

Probably called Consequence Free The Randy Quaid story It's called the Denisons The Denisons too The Randy Sauce It's called Randy Sauce It's called It's called Randy McDowell

It's called Randy from Toy Story It's called Randy's Mints And he just lays out his little bomb moths for you That's cool He needs to stop changing the title though Because it's getting hard to search for it Every time he thinks of a different Randy-based plan

Oh fuck yeah What about like the Randy Bowl And someone's like what does that mean Oh you already changed Yanky Doodle Randy No you already did that podcast Back in 99 After these messages

We'll be right back Let's go to the Money Zone Listen Justin Well Justin I didn't have the window open And you can't tell our voices apart That's cool

Now listen Justin You know you've got symptoms You know you do And you don't have anyone you could talk to about My back's aching We're not talking about your symptoms right now I wouldn't even begin to know Where to start categorizing

My back's aching My hips popping from left to right To the left to the right Left right left right left right My back hurts my feet stink Peanut butter in a cup We sing this song to bump us up Come on Travis do that thing

And so I was told to do that thing Justin if you'll check the stenographer's notes I believe that Commerce does not bow To having to do that thing I was specifically Handed the ability to do that thing

And then you stepped in and you started doing The thing which had become my thing Well my thing was doing the podcast for money And I love that I actually like Justin's thing way better You do your thing now Okay I will tell you That it is tough to find a doctor

That's a great fit for you And that can lead to you trying to diagnose yourself For the internet and it's a whole thing You're going down there like well I sometimes My left leg does it Like well you may Be a redneck A redneck

My neck is really red Well you just might be a redneck ZockDock is A place you can turn to They'll help you find The perfect doctor for you It's the only free app that lets you Find and book doctors who are patient

Reviewed take your insurance Are available when you need them And treat almost every condition I have used ZockDock a lot since moving to DC Because we had to find all new doctors And nobody else has a good way Of booking appointments Even at their own practice

And ZockDock is Pretty much the best in the game Not pretty much It's definitely the best in the game at finding doctors In appointments Go to ZockDock.com You got this Go to ZockDock.com

Go to ZockDock.com My brother Companies love it when you say their name Over and over and over again They also love it when you say it right And not ZockDock Go to ZockDock.com To download the ZockDock app

For free Then find and book a top rated doctor today Many are available within 24 hours That's Z-O-C-D-O-C .com My brother ZockDock.com My brother

You probably already have a favorite animal Maybe it's a powerful apex predator Like the tiger or a cute and cuddly panda And those are great But have you considered something a little more Unconventional? Could I perhaps interest you In the Greenland shark

Which can live for nearly 400 years Or maybe the jewel wasp Who performs brain surgery on cockroaches To control their minds On Just the Zoo of Us We review animals by giving them ratings out of 10 In the categories of effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics Listen with friends and family

Of all ages to find your new favorite animal With Just the Zoo of Us On MaximumFun.org Or wherever you get podcasts Jordan you've interviewed so many directors Actors, writers, film critics And I like to play this little game Where I take a sip of coffee every time someone says

That's such a great question That's such a fabulous question Or they tell you how smart you are I think that you are rather brilliant And of course the big one is When they cry unexpectedly Jordan I don't want to cry on your podcast I wouldn't expect them to cry

I mean it makes me kind of want to cry Feeling Scene comes out every Thursday On MaximumFun.org Listen already, what are you waiting for? Jordan that's such a great question May we approach the Wizards We may This is the Wizard of the Cloud bit

Where we go to WikiHow And Our friend Joe sent this in Thanks Joe Not Joe Biden It was a real Joe who sent this in But not like the fake made up Joe Biden Right

This is a real Joe This is an average Joe I wouldn't say that This is how to talk nerdy To someone Talk nerdy to me is a play On the phrase talk dirty to me But how do you actually do it?

If you want to impress the cute nerd in your science class Or the geek in your life Speaking their nerdy love language is a good place to start To help you be more adorable We've gone a deep dive into the world Of geekery Read on for a crash course in Nerdspeak Oh my god, all of this hurts

Yeah strap in fellas Cause there's some cool shit Number one, science and physics Are you a carbon sample? Because I definitely want to date you If you've seen the Big Bang Theory Then you already know Science and physics nerds are the best nerds Science and physics nerds are the best nerds

Is that you have to distinguish The pickup lines From the like Narration here because I It seems indistinguishable Sorry sorry, every one of these opens with I guess the best pickup line in the category Are you a carbon sample because I definitely want to date you

Can I also just say I love the premise of this entire article Which is If you want to talk dirty Slash pick up A nerd person Well you can't use regular means Because as we all know

People who like nerd shit Hate Any reference to romance or sex Or anything like that You gotta talk to them in their language If you can just Quote Big Bang Theory

Alright There's some more, none of you agree That we should Big Bang That's actually pretty good That's good That's actually pretty good That's good Mathematics is cool

You've got more curves than a triple Into Into girl Can math be Dot dot dot sexy Yeah look at an 8 man Look at it 8

Look at it, it's really the only one Oh pretty close to mine My love is like a 88 Sounds like a busy night for me There's a lot of 8's in there Try plugging one of these solutions Into their equation

My love is like a fractal, it goes on forever Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational around you Some of these Gotta recognize it That sounds like a threat Actually I feel irrational

You make me feel like I could do anything Outer space That enters your solar system Let's take a pause Let's take a cleansing breath here That one didn't feel right When you typed it You had the whole

Universe of heavenly bodies References And you will You guys have established Pre-established Outer space theme pickup lines That are out there already And I feel like everybody knows a few of them

Mind if my comment enters your solar system So Such a misjudgment Of taste Of astronomy Of norms, social norms When you're doing a punny pickup line Or something like that

You need to know in your own mind Exactly what the words are referencing Even if it's a pun And here's the thing you guys That can only mean Like one, maybe two things And saying, do you mind If

Do you mind One of those space ones Is, hey, nice asteroids Nope Technology This place must have free Wi-Fi Because I'm feeling a connection Not terrible

You shouldn't You can unzip my files anytime Now once again Just even putting unzip in there Okay Was that even me? But unzip my files You can open up my genitalia

I think files is referring to A zone Okay Another one of these that I don't hate You're even hotter than the bottom of my laptop That one's actually Kind of got some heat I feel like no pun intended

You're hotter than the bottom of my laptop And yeah, I am sterile Thank you very much Very intuitive I own an early, early aliaware laptop It's a scorched wasteland Down there The built-in fan burned out

Overclocked I wasn't getting enough polygons In my doom I went back to that guy and said, make me a Kindle down there I just want Burn it out Alright, it's time to get into video games And you guys I know are crazy about these fucking things

Yeah, dude And this is where we really start to get into some good shit Like really kind of hot shit Honestly Your beauty rivals the graphics of Call of Duty Now Is that a game? You guys are both big game bros

Big game hunters It is a game, yes Is it a game known for its graphics fidelity? And known for like when people are like Oh, if you want to talk about graphics Got Call of Duty Call of Duty You have, I mean you've

Hoved in the Maybe the least The smallest problem with this Call of Duty is a Showpiece Then there's no problems with this pickup line No, it's good, I'm glad we clarified that Kind of graphics

For sure Call of Duty is kind of Infamous for its updates are like huge Like half a terabyte That clogs up your computer So you could say something like your beauty rivals the Shear Mass of the file size

Of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 Remake From 2021 If you want to get to the next level With a gamer you have to get their attention first Hey Hey, hey, time to game Tetris

Considering how focused they can be on their game That's easier said than done You love me Give one of these silly lines to try You and me, tomorrow, my fort If they don't know If they don't know, if they think that's like A toly

Just like an inch thing A small building That you made in a yard Maybe out of blankets even I don't think that That one would work on anyone I need experience points, will you help me out Yes

Bonk Now I have your horns and I can sell these Back to the warrior guild master Okay, once again, hey, just to Let's decipher that pun What you're saying is I'm bad at sex If you could help me

Get a little bit better Man, I'd appreciate any tips You've got I'll bonk it as many rats as you got Just tell me, man I want to go On a side quest To the bedroom

It's not the main quest The main quest is A search for purity in the eyes of Jesus And a side quest that we're doing That may or may not advance that particular role Is you and me making tender love And if you want to get We can get distracted just by collectibles

That aren't necessarily a quest If we want to just get tacos later That won't advance the story in any way whatsoever But they're good Listen, here's what you do You go in Disrobe in front of your partner and say, dang I wish this game had photo mode

Because I would love to be taking pictures And video of you right now Hold on, you said you disrobe So you're negative You both disrobe, okay It would be weird to have the person disrobe You just met each other and they know you're a gamer And you won't disrobe, what are you hiding

No, but I do love the idea, Joseph Looking at your partner and be like, hey Will you come in here and disrobe with me Because I want to say something to you And it really is important to say It would be, if you didn't Clothes is a nightmare You have to be fully vulnerable

It's a naked moment Well then why not you disrobe And walk in and be like, I wish you were taking photos And videos of me right now That's self-aggrandizing Travis The problems before you say them Listen, Star Wars And we'll get through this one fast

I'm rock hard, how'd you do that You are the droid I've been looking for No, that's No, not a droid You are the droid I've been looking for You're a piece of machinery If you're crushing on a Star Wars nerd You may need to use the force

To woo them effectively Luckily your midichlorian count is high in Europe For the challenge, try one of these Yoda approved pickup lines She's saying the midichlorian count is high in Europe Try what? Did you say your midichlorian Count is high in Europe And you're up for the challenge

Okay, that makes more sense Yeah, try one of these Get me over there in Spain, see how you do Where do they do metric? My midichlorian count I'm off the charts Try one of these Yoda approved pickup lines I'll approve your pickup

Pull down some trim You will Got real Must be cocky shell Where's some real count Puss, I can't assure you Get some strength No

I knew you'd be here I did not Man, shoot, gotta just Where you will get Okay, turn it down Stop it, clipping Yoda could make me laugh at something That I don't feel comfortable laughing at Yeah, sure, turn him down

That's one Of our two clipping Yoda appearances For the rest of the year One of these is just I'll save this one Want to take a spin on my Millennium Falcon There's some people that if you said that to them They'd be like

You've got like a Like some sort of big wheel Situation Some sort of hover Craft situation Let's get hot and heavy If you said that to anyone Even the biggest Star Wars fan

They would say sorry Did you say hot and heavy No, you heard me And I understand what you're going there for Hot, notably cold It is an ice planet It doesn't work there Because if you said that to me, I'd be like

Now what about I'd let you climb in my tauntaun Any day Okay Okay We'll get this in post Something something something And I thought they smelled bad on the outside Some sort of like

Something something I regret this I regret this whole segment Except for this next bit That they have written down Which is truly truly next level Which is simply I find your lack of nudity

Disturbing Are you sure? Are you sure about that one? That's all time Now I will say this If this was I've been in an established relationship with this person for a long time And maybe things have grown

And we're both huge Star Wars We're huge Star Wars nerds And maybe we've become too comfortable With one another We spend a lot of time The heat's just not there anymore And we're looking for ways to spice it up Go fucking for it man

It's risky But if that fades off Yeah But as a stranger I know It's such a cold shot Yes There's one out of a hundred people

Where you'd be like There's one out of 56 million people No way There's seven people on the planet earth Now who would hear that and go That's pretty good my man I also say this Justin There's also not just

Deploying it Got to deploy it with confidence But knowing the right time Within this beginning of a You couldn't say it first I don't think you'd say it right away to start The interaction You also couldn't say it

You can't say it It's funny because actually it says here If you are in a social situation where you are flirting with someone Your brain actually will not allow you to On the table but you can't lift up your pinky It's one of those like your brain simply won't Let you say that and that's good That's an evolutionary success story

Can I do this one from fucking Lord of the Rings Because there's a real good one in here too I did not see when I was Vetting this article So I mean are you smog Because you look like you have treasure in your cave I don't think that's something that anyone Really wants to hear about themselves

But then this Are you from Mordor Because you're melting my precious Huh Now huh It's so Hot down there Because of you

That it has melted If my precious Are the emotional walls I've built around my heart That stopped me from being open to it But if you're saying you've You've burned my penis away You've burned my penis away like chaff

I think Now If they turn around to you and like One does not simply walk into Rebecca Sure I think I'm gonna end the bit now Now here is a good denial If somebody uses the Lord of the Rings pickup line on you

And you would like to reject them You respond, hey how about you make Like your photo and I'm Legolas And just go ahead and forget my name Do you guys know about this theory That Frodo doesn't know Legolas' name In the Lord of the Rings If you, it's a great theory that

Like the only time Legolas ever talks to Frodo Is when he says you have my bow And at the end of the movie When all the people are coming in in Frodo's bed He like smiles everyone's name Except Legolas Like Aragorn comes in and he's like You see him say like Aragorn

And then Legolas comes in and he just goes Oh It's so uncomfortable The whole time He heard it like when they were like Forming the fellowship and he was like As he was walking off with his hobbit bros At the end of that he was like oh fuck

What was the elf's Shit did anyone hear the elf's name He's so pretty that when I saw him He was like hello I'm And I just my brain didn't hear it It's not there man It was together long enough that I think it was like Midway Frodo started thinking like

I didn't learn this elf's name And at this point it would be So wild for me to ask I didn't think he'd be around this long If I'm being honest Boromir got that one Where's that guy? Alright

Rather than you in the article I think we could come up with our own I don't One of these Boy You make me feel like John Reese Davis And Sliders because I want to climb in those holes So this is what I was afraid of

How about Right That was good John Reese Savies in holes Sorry Sliders Holes is Shia LaBeouf And that's not nerd shit I'm talking about John Reese Savies in

Sliders Griffin are you googling Shia LaBeouf's holes notable Jock fodder Griffin are you looking Up a nerd joke that you could tell I'm just looking at Nerd movies You couldn't think of nerd movies

Well Griffin's a known Jock Ask Griffin about sports movies He's got those Hoosiers Pork balls Fucking Space Jam 2

Fucking The whole kitten caboodle The whole kitten caboodle Don't get me started The whole bud franchise All the buds Hoosiers I don't know what you're doing

Griffin but the wheels have fallen off Of your segment I'm taking the reins from you Oh no Griffin's glitching out Hoosiers My bank has My bank has been advertising A home ownership service to help folks Buy and sell homes

I usually ignore them but this time I bring a chance to win a flat top grill package With a $100 gift card To a very expensive butcher I've been really wanting to get my dad a new grill Brothers I have no way of buying a house loan to sell one They are contacting me and trying to help me buy a house How to explain them I've only entered

To maybe win the grill And I have no interest in this service Don't say that That's not a good thing to say Hold on That's from the poor hopeful Embi If you didn't win the grill To me

Why not say that Now that option has passed That's gone They call and say We want to help you buy a home Guess what I only signed up for that To win the grill and the card which I didn't do

If you do win the grill And the meat You will need to buy a house Travis you are misunderstanding This is a real time dilemma This is a real time dilemma The drawing has not yet concluded They don't know if they've won

But they are getting realtors Pounding on the walls By house by house or sell this one I've got it Next call you get You say okay great My budget is about $750 Do you have anything for $750

Like $750 Move in ready Gotta be moving ready Furnished would be ideal Because I don't have any of that But like $750 Tops I have a down payment of about $10

I could probably do So first of all I'm going to need to see What the APR Is on a $750 loan Yes I might be able to do $11 I think I have a dollar I'm going to check my jeans

This is a $6,310 Is that standard That seems like a lot You just tell them The truth like hey I'm going to wait And see how this whole girl thing shakes up Because honestly if I don't have a grill I don't need a house

If you Now if you want to talk to the grill The candy man over there with the girl Girl giver wear guy If you guys got a few grills you want to slide this way Maybe we'll talk, maybe I'll start to need one Get enough grills going I need a home to put them in

If I don't win the grill I don't need a house If you get the grill You're like well I was going to sell you my house Damn thing burned it all up This GD grill burned my whole shit down So now I got no house to sell to you Tracy I got no house to sell and I kept all my money In bill form inside the house

It's gone to you man What insurance I wish There's a ton if you win The number of avenues now open to you For to see are simply tremendous You could say like Listen I was going to sell you my house But with this GD grill

I've made so many precious backyard memories With my family I thought of leaving this home Is just seems wrong So I am so sorry I was going to buy a house but then I grilled so good That Bobby Flays showed up And said come live with me and be my son I'll train you

I want to fight you every day I'll fight you every day to make him stop He wants to do his own beat Bobby Flays And I battle him every day Welcome to my new show Bebop Bobby Flays Come hang out with me I'll teach this guy And grill

I want to watch Bebop and Bobby Flays So bad now Yeah it's the ZockDock.com Of cookie shows Thank you for listening to our podcast What about a show called Flay Bobby Flays And you gotta find him Bob Bobby Flays is when you sink him in a river

And you fish with him We gotta find out if he's a witch or not And I only know two ways to do that Bob him and Flay him I want to watch Flay Bobby Flay Bobby Which is a British police officer Trying to get to the bottom of Bobby Flays Flay Beats me

What's up Bobby? You solved it Thank you for listening to our podcast It's called My Brother My Brother Me I hope you enjoyed yourself I felt a little silly And I hope it wasn't too silly Oh okay Yeah just that one felt kind of silly

I just want to make sure it wasn't too silly Just letting you know Starting June 1st we'll have New Merch Over there which we'll talk about in the next episode But if you are someone who's like Ooh New Merch gotta check that out Starting June 1st Mcroymerch.com Also want to let you know Griffin and I

Are going to be at AwesomeCon Washington DC June 16th through the 18th Got some panels and Q&As And photos and stuff like that You can get passes at bit.ly Slash AwesomeCon McElroy Also I'm going to be at GenCon

August 3rd through 6th You can get details on badges Tickets and appearances at bit.ly Slash McElroy tours Yeah Thank you to Montaigne For the use of our theme song With you

When it comes on I Feel something stirring in my bones Ooh It's the spirit of dance Montaigne by the way They provided some background vocals For James Lee Caster's new

Party Gator album And just saying that Those words together in sequence Makes me happy On the inside Yeah Travis do you have anything you want to close out with I do

I got a quote here And Just by reading Reading it in different tones I don't know which tone to go with here You better hope you're not alone Jack Johnson You better hope you're not alone

You better hope you're not alone I think depending on which Jack Johnson Really depends on what the tone is My name is Justin McElroy I'm always with someone Jack Johnson, please don't I'm Griffin McElroy Kiss your dad

Square on the lips It's better It's better with two My life It's better with you