My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 69: Krumbelievable

Episode Date: August 29, 2011

We're coming to you live (see: pre-recorded) from the Pacific Northwest, talking about all the important issues that saturate the worry centers of your brain. Like, for instance, are we having a pleasant time in the Pacific Northwest? How is its temperate climate treating our sensibilities? What's up with the Puget Sound, you guys? Suggested talking points: Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs, An Olyphant's Faithful 100 Percent, Funnel Cloud Coitus, Skittles and Romance, Screaming Brain, Rubberbaby, The Taking Tree, 4th President, Legs and How to Use Them

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Live from Seattle, baby, we hear the blues of Colin, tossed salad and scrambled eggs. All three of us here in beautiful Washington, tossed salad and scrambled eggs. What the hell are you talking about? All three of us here for my brother and my brother and me.

Just kicking it in sunny Seattle. Beautiful weather, I don't know what people are talking about with the cloudy and the rainy. It's been gorgeous. It's just been sunny, funny summer. Yeah, and all three of us are here, gathered around one microphone. I'm Justin McElroy, live from Seattle, I'm your oldest brother. I'm Justin McElroy, I'm just kicking it in Seattle, just with my two brothers. Best people around.

I'm Travis McElroy, I'm live from Seattle. Travis, if you are live from Seattle, I do not currently see you. Yeah, what's going on? I'm in the other room. I'm not with you guys, I'm here for a different event. Okay, you're staying at a much nicer hotel. Yeah, I'm here for the former Saturday Night Live lookalike convention. That's very good.

Say hi to Reggie for me. I will. It's just like Charles Rocket. I don't know that there is a nicer hotel than the hotel that we're staying at, because we have the four regular pillows on our bed, you know, stacked too deep, too wide. But then we have another... Too fast, too furious. We have another pillow that is sort of a sliver of a pillow,

just sort of like a suggestion of a pillow. And I'm not sure... Is that a pillow for the pillows? I think it might be, like it might be like a little baby pillow, so the other pillows feel like they've accomplished something in their life, but I don't know what to do with it in my body. Like, do I tuck it, but twist my legs? Because it's even too tiny for that.

It's hard to say. Is it butchery? Does your hotel... Does your hotel have a pillow menu? No. No, no pillow menu. This is, of course, an advice show for the modern era, where we take your questions and we turn them alchemy-like into wisdom.

Let's get right... Wait, before we start, Justin, I put up that cursive thing, and I need you to apologize to me. Okay, I will admit you're a good cursive. I don't think that is how the E is, though. I don't think the E is right. That is how the E is. I do it with a flamboyant flair, but that is how the E is.

The E look like a methodic hooker's mouth. It look like a sea with a bouffant. But it is correct. That is, that is, though, maybe not so over the top, but... Yeah, yeah, you like to take your written language over the top. Yeah. It's kind of your whole style. You like to zazz your prezizzle with all your writing products.

Exactly. So, let's get right into it. I was having lunch with three people I respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of mine, not knowing she is my friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What should I do in this situation? Should I keep my mouth shut and move on,

or defend my friend, and lose respect for my other friends? And that's from Jake. You think this is a veiled way of saying that we insulted his friends? He doesn't know if he should stop listening to our podcast or not? Because if that's the case, like, I'm not, I don't want to apologize for anything. Oh, wow. I mean what I said.

Say what I mean. Take no prisoners. Elephant says shit, and he means it all 100% of the time. Wait, did you say the elephant says shit? He means it 100% of the time? Or did you say elephant? Are you referencing Timothy Allafant? Timothy Allafant says what he means and means what he says.

He stops his cowboy hat to you. He saves you. Says good day. Timothy Allafant is faithful 100%. He's got your back. Just a real quick shout out to Timothy Allafant. To me. Thanks for everything, big guy.

I think that you should, it is actually a very admirable quality, I think, to defend anybody who's being attacked and isn't present. And it's something that I think we all fall down on. But it's certainly the, I know I do, but it's certainly the right thing to do or the respectful thing to do to try to defend people, or at least not attack people who aren't at a place. Although I would say from personal experience, if the person doing the like the back stabbing is drunk,

it's best to just let that one go by. Because I got into a screaming match with the girl on her birthday once for defending another one of my friends and it was a bad scene. It was a real bad scene. I'm not sure that it's the right, it might be the right thing to do, but I don't know that it's the pragmatic thing to do. Like, I didn't have, I haven't had so many friends lately. And I think it's because I keep getting in this situation,

and I trade in the three friends for one friend. And then it's like, I'm down two friends, mathematically speaking. I don't have the two friends I would have had if I had stuck with the three instead of the one. You know? You gotta keep them mine. How many friends can I keep in my life at all times, and have the maximum number of friends? I think what you need to do is you have to sit back and say,

is this one friend worth these three friends? And it sounds like if they're being distasteful and unjustified, like, they don't really sound like great people. Well, but you're not thinking of it pragmatically. It's all about pragmatism this episode, you guys, because that's three warm bodies. Three friends. Or maybe, maybe they're one friend.

It's gigantic. Oh. And that's why the three friends were picking on her. Like a baby Huey situation. Yeah. I think that it's a fine opportunity to practice decency, which you should try to defend people, even if they're not your friends. So don't make that, like, I don't know.

Don't make that a huge part of your decision-making process. But what if it's Osama bin Laden? You still want him to defend Osama bin Laden? I think friendship is sacred. With terrorist leaders? I don't think that their friends, what are they gonna say about Osama? His ass is dead. Yeah.

What are they gonna say about Osama bin Laden that is distasteful and unjustified? That hasn't already been said in an infinite number of Toby Keith songs. I think that the answer is yes, but to not get belligerent about it. There's a polite way to defend people without turning it into us versus them type situation. And usually, if you say something like, well, actually, you know, I'm pretty good friends with them and they're all right. Everybody around you will get the hint and not keep talking shit. If they do, it's turning into a whole different situation.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, then you just need to get out of there, maybe smack a few faces on your way out the door. Yeah. As you run with your hand out into the smacking positions. Or it's also would be great if you didn't say anything. And then later, so how made sure they found out that you're friends with this person because then they retroactively feel guilty and that goes down the road.

What's up? Remember her? The twist. Did you know you didn't see this coming? Hey, is it is it possible to get my hopes up for a first date without ruining things? Is there a happy medium between too high of expectations and pressure and being hopeful and excited about the possibilities of that relationship? That's from form spring.

Oh, God, what do you mean by ruin things? Like, are you I peed myself? Yeah, you're rolling up and being like, marry me. Oh, damn it. Ah, fuck. You look great. I peed myself. I put pee in my pants because you're so beautiful.

No. No. You have to go and jaded? Totally better. No, not that. Just totally cash. Talking about cashmere, baby, because you don't want to freak her out. You don't want to freak yourself out.

The best way to get to know somebody is in a no, a low to no fresh situation. And you can't craft that for yourself. You go and think and think about wedding bells. I actually, I completely agree, Griffin. I think that first dates in and of themselves are like booby traps that are set up to make you fail. Literally. Literally. Good one.

But I think that I said some dismissiveness there. I think that it is a built in high pressure situation. You know, like everything about it is, is like built to be awkward. And if you bring your high pressure situation into her low pressure situation, you get a tornado and thousands die. Very, very sensitive, Griffin. Think about it. People are friends on the East Coast.

Travis right now is batting down the hatches. I'm, I'm in the midst of, of the storm. That's why I said tornado and not hurricane. Thanks guys. But pretty much all the same thing. Bad weather. Like there's bad weather everywhere. I can't talk about bad weather.

The hurricane made the, made tornadoes. That's the fucking scariest thing I've ever heard. Baby, baby tornadoes. That's spun off the hurricane. Have you ever seen the day after tomorrow? Like it all happens at once. You dare see it? Do the tornadoes make earthquakes?

Yeah. Hey, and then the earth core starts to stop spinning. Speaking of this hurricane, I hope everyone is, is safe. And is, it is, I guess by Monday, this is all sort of blown over for, for our U.S. friends, maybe not some of our friends in Canada. But I, I hope you were fine. It sounds like the, the death toll is relatively low. I didn't want to mention one that I saw.

One of the very few deaths was listed in the news as a, and I don't want to be disrespectful here, was listed in the news as a 55 year old surfer that died. And to me, it just screamed like, that's a full on, that's a full on Bodie situation. A guy can't live in a cage, the cage of, of going into that dark twilight and he just decided. I have to imagine that that is like lifeguard lingo.

Like there's a dude, there's a lifeguard on the beach, radioing other lifeguards like, I'm going to need some support out here. We got a full on Bodie. We got a full on Bodie. Like this, like. Bring in the chopper. They wouldn't list him as a 55 year old surfer,

unless he was fucking carving the waves right then. I actually, I read it his a little bit in the New York Times. Cause I got, I got news for you. You're 55 year old. You're not a pro. It's not your career. I read his a little bit in the New York Times. Then she said, um, 55 year old radical surfer.

So that they added that extra thing to let you know. What is it? Did I something on my teeth? I was trying not to distract, but. No, no. Which one is it? Let me see, smell. No, the other one.

This guy? Yeah. One of your canines. Yeah. You got it. Great. Um, don't start from hurricane. Can we give out general advice for surviving?

Yeah. Sasters like this? Genic, general hurricane advice. Um, there's no laws anymore. No, everything, everything's fucking on the table. Grab, snatch and grab. Snatch and grab. It's all yours.

It's what I've also learned from so many, um, like weather horror movies. Don't wear a Hawaiian shirt and put down your video camera. Oh my God. You'll be sucked into the vacuum. Those two things will kill you. Also, this is a great time, uh, to listen to Jimmy Buffett back catalog. Yeah. Because if you don't now, you'll die and then you'll never have heard it.

The, uh, the, uh, and he's got lots of songs about surviving this sort of thing. And that's a pretty good attitude throughout. Um, you, uh, you should remember above all that, um, hold on. Shit, I forgot my thing. Hold on. Love conquers all? No, not love conquers all. True love waits.

True love waits. They don't get Hurricane Nasty. I know Hurricane Nasty is sweeping the Gulf Coast. This is the windiest Nasty. It's dirty with four Rs. It's quite a storm. Uh, is there a good hurricane pickup line? Um, I want to batten down your hatches.

I mean, yeah, but I guess I want to, I don't want to turn this into, I don't want to turn this into a high pressure system. We better, we better go to the grocery store and before it gets raided and buy condoms to have sex with it. Okay. A little on the nose, maybe. I think. Or we could just raw dog it.

Hey, there's a hurricane coming. We should probably bone. Have you ever made sex in a swirling vortex? Maybe that could be nasty. Wouldn't that be the dream? Like I don't want to get weird, but wouldn't that be the dream? If you were sucked into a swirling vortex,

like made coitus, like, whoa, this is the most intense experience of my life. Check it out, Poseidon. Think that was me. I was getting enslaved by the cyber building. I mean, killed inside. How? Couple having just totally righteous.

Fifty-five year old boner. Another couple having totally righteous sky sex. Bode. Get in that, Bill Pullman. We got to save them. What about that 55 year old Poseurfer? It's too late for him. Too late for him.

He's surfing the sky. Maybe the 55 year old surfer was trying to save a sky sex couple, and that's what, like, I've got to carve into the storm and save them, or get a better look at least. I'm 55. I got nothing. How hard do you think Mizer Lou was playing

in that dude's head as he surfed a hurricane? Fuck. What a cool way to go out. That's what he was thinking. We didn't think he was going to, like, wake up the next day. A 75 foot wave tower door is, like, worth it. Done. How about a Yahoo answer for us?

Justin's, like, looking at my computer right now. I don't want him to... I won't look. I don't want him to see it. I don't want him to see it. I don't want him to see it. Okay, here it is. Yeah, don't look at the question,

because this one's pretty important for you not to look at. Okay. This one's sent in by Daisy Gray. Thank you, Daisy. It's about a Yahoo answers user, Rashi, who asks, is it bad to run to girlfriend in the rain, like in the movies?

Okay, I just left my girlfriend's apartment seeing her and my daughter. Well, tomorrow morning, I'm going off to college for basketball, only about 40 minutes away, but still, and I want to surprise her one last time. I want to run to her in the rain, like in them corny movies.

She loves that stuff. I already got Skittles, her favorite candy, and it's pouring rain. Should I do it? Would that be stupid? Wait. Hold on.

Hey, buddy. Have you guys seen the notebook? I love that scene where that one guy, who's that one guy? Is that Ryan Philippi? Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling. Man, there's a lot of sexy ass Ryans out there.

Yeah, they're doing good. Ryan Gosling runs up to that other chick and is like, hey, before he gets to her, he just throws a pile of Skittles in her face. Just like throws a handful. Like, if you're a bird, I'm a bird. Skittles, take them. Whoa, did you just quote the notebook?

Was that a notebook? I might have quote-booked it. Selection? You know, the tricky thing about running in the rain is where do I park my car? Where's far enough? How far away is far enough, but not too far?

About the time you get there, you're just like tired. You're like, you're like, hi, I puke. Puke up all the Skittles you ate on the way over. I ate your Skittles. I'm so sorry. I needed the carbs. I'll be like, you get there to her,

and you re-put your hand in your pocket, and you pull out crazy core Skittles. And you're like, I'm sorry, all they had was crazy core. And she's like, I don't care. You've got a crazy core. I love the idea of like completely contextless running to someone in the rain. Like, you run up to them and then what?

Like, you run up and you're like, hey. You're talking about a stranger? No, but like, he's leaving for college later. And so like, he's like, I want to run up to her. And say what? Like, make sure that you're there when I leave tomorrow. So wait a minute. Did he say his girlfriend and his daughter

and he's going to college to play basketball? Yeah. Hey, if you want a grand romantic gesture, take your daughter with you. Yeah. How are you doing? Take your daughter to college here. Yeah.

Maybe like, get in a part with the both of them and don't be a Debbie absent father. If you want like grand gestures, that would be a good start. Oh, maybe the Skittles are for the daughter. To like, ease the pain. He doesn't say he's going to college to play basketball. He's going to college for basketball. Oh, you think he's playing like Duke?

And he's like, I just love them blue devils so much. I actually think he's going to study basketball. Like a basketball doctor? Yeah. I'm Dr. Basketball Jones. Please step into my office. Your hoops are all wrong. Let me show you about free throws.

I wrote my thesis on two points. My prescription? Sick dunks. Sick dunks. Oh, I see your problem here. You seem to affect the funk on a nasty dung. Nothing but that. I said Jordan.

I'm running out of things I know about basketball. Charlotte Hornets aren't a team anymore. Have you met Dr. Jones? He's an odd duck. He wears Reebok pumps with his tweed. I like it, though. Yeah. And those are still things.

Reebok pumps? Pumps? Are Reeboks still a thing? Reebok, I think, is still around. I don't think that's a company anymore. I think we need to snatch them up. You know that indie song that's so popular right now? Are they saying all the kids with the pumped up kicks?

Is that about Reebok pump? Patience? All you're talking about is written by all American rejects. Thus cannot be qualified. I don't think it's written by the sick ninis or something. Some sort of righteous indie name. What did you just say? The Richard Grecos.

There it is. The Sky Surfers. Oh, the Sky Surfers, yeah. No, we're not the Richard Grecos anymore. We lost our base. Now we're just Greco. Ah, Richard Greco. We're the Richard Greco experience.

Hey, this Monday, my wife and I will find out if we are indeed going to be parents. We're excited at the possibility and have started trying to plan ahead things to get. One area we're stuck in is a baby-themed room. We wanted something different from the normal aminal themed room. Whoa. Whoa, Doc.

Whoa, animal themed room. Nope, or a single with aminal. And felt that the wise brothers three would provide us with some great thoughts. That's from Confounded in K.C. I'm gonna throw out, and this is kind of meta, but what about a baby-themed, baby-themed room? Oh, man.

And you just paint babies all over the walls. Yeah, and with signs like, you are this. Like, I love that. I think that's important for human beings to know what and who they are pretty much instantly, so they can start growing and learning from it. Like, I think you learn from yourself. Maybe instead of a baby, it's like a zygote,

or like a fetus. And you know, like, you were this, now get better. Ooh, I like that. What if you put, what if you took it as an educational thing and you put just a ton of objects in the room that would say maybe like out loud, perhaps with one of the greeting card sound chips, they would say out loud what they are,

but they would all do it at the same time, and they would do it 24 hours a day. Chair, chair, chair, chair, chair. Chair, chair, chair, chair, chair, chair. Bad, bad, bad. I am drums. I am drums. Drawers.

Dad's hidden pot. Dad's hidden pot. Pump shoes, pump shoes. Why did you hide your pot in the baby's room, Dad? You had a touch on him. He just said, baby, baby, baby. and just be Justin Bieber. Oh, that would be, that would make for probably a Unibobber.

That would make for a Unibobber. How was my baby hood? I will tell you. Not great because I'm looking at that lamp and it's screaming in my brain. So, it could be better. All I could think of when I blew out the building was, well that's one building of things that won't be screaming. A building, building, building, building, building, windows, windows! I have to kill the building.

But now it's screaming pit, empty pit, empty pit, empty pit. It's just like my heart, heart, heart, heart. What about Steve Gutenberg theme group? Guten baby. Yeah, that would be, or just let's go full, whole hog. I won't go three and a half men and a baby. Wait, what? Three and three quarters men and also a baby.

Who's the three quarters man? The Gutenberg. I'm pretty sure he was listed in one of the original men, right? It was Steve Gutenberg. Steve Danson. Steve Danson. And Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd in his acting debut as the baby.

He was awesome as the baby. No, there were three dads in that shit, right? Yeah. Greg Evigan. Paul Rudd and Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser, Peter Sarsgard. And Stellan Skarsgard. Skarsgard.

Hey guys, can you get together and fucking pick one? Yeah, just pick a thing. Just pick a, you can't throw K's in there. It's one name or the other. What about Skarsgard theme room? Skarsgard. You got a baby in the room, did you Skarsgard everything? Which is the Skarsgard in the True Blood?

Is that Stellan? Stellan Skarsgard. Skarsgard needs to stop taking pictures on magazines with like him pulling the front of his pants down like hey, maybe we'll see some pubes. Like, I don't want, actually I'm checking out at HGB and I'm buying like bacon and dates. Like I don't want to see your almost pubes, Sarah.

And I certainly don't want my baby to see them. Bad idea. I vote down your idea. Okay. Yeah, V10. V10. Because now that I'm thinking about Gutenberg, I'm just thinking about Short Circuit. What about just like an all Short Circuit themed room? Right.

What if we went over the top and said just a robotic room? See, this is something I could get behind. I don't like it. Robots had such a big influence on me in my life. Vis-a-vis Short Circuit and Iron Giant. Robots are important. And I think you need to,

I think the next generation of children is going to have a very good reason to be scared of robots. Right. So if your baby's half robot can communicate with them, it'll help. Yeah. You don't want your baby to be a robophobe. You got to get them in early.

You got to get them in deep. If you make a robot themed baby room, can you make an exoskeleton for your baby? Because I think that would like an animate. Okay. We've seen in a lot of science fiction, exoskeletons used to give

disabled people the ability to, or people with disabilities, the ability to walk. I'm saying, could that technology apply to babies? Is this example based purely out of Robocop? See, you're saying Robocop, I'm saying it's more

of like a Power Rangers Megazord situation. Right. Maybe an Evangelion. What if you raised your baby and convinced him he was a robot? Like an AI situation. You convinced him that he was a baby robot. Like, oh no, when you die,

you're not going to go. You're not going to heaven. I have seen Bicentennial Man. You are going in the garbage. I don't think that's what happens in Bicentennial Man. The last shot is him

in the garbage. The only travesty is that robot Robin Williams can be thrown in the garbage, but Robin Williams can't legally. He can be thrown on the scrap heap of Hollywood. That's the best we got. RV is the scrap heap of Hollywood.

Ugh. Hey, Robin. Stop it. I hate that guy. Does anybody ever just refer to him by just his first name? That was just so strange to me when you said that. I feel like you have to call him Robin Williams.

I call him Rob, just because we're so tight. Bob Williams. And sometimes I call him the most hair suit man in the world. Yeah. Or Mork. He loves that.

He loves that stuff. Hey, Mork. That's a good one, Justin. Ugh. Sorry. Was that your Robin Williams? Man, I only got one voice. Yeah. It's also by Paul Rudd's impression.

You got a Paul Rudd? Yeah. That's a good one, Justin. Paul Rudd is kind of talkative. Yes. Hey, I started the new job in April supervising employees who have been working longer than I've been alive.

I'm well qualified, but I also happen to be a young, somewhat petite blonde female. How do I present myself in a way that lets people know that they can't take advantage of me? Gmail. I think... Exoskeleton.

It's the obvious answer, but I assume she would have thought of that already, right? Oh, okay. You know, I think if you go in with that attitude, then it's going to create a real contentious

workplace situation. I'm of the opinion that the best way to supervise people is to be, as Dale Carnegie said, lavish in your approbation in your praise. Are you

kidding me with this Carnegie cast? No. I'm just telling people that that book turned my life around. Just don't approbate anybody. You know, like that word. You know, lavish with your approbation. Don't drown these fools in approbation.

Don't be mad because I've won friends and influenced people. Don't hate. Don't hate, celebrate. God, I will give you $5. The word was approbation. It means praise. It means approving of people.

Approvation? Fuck that. What is it, Dale Carnegie? You just say, hey, tell him good job and pat him on the back. Pat on the back, good job. He's dead, he can't say anything anymore. Wow, way to really bring it down.

He died surfing in the hurricane. Yeah, you win. I was right. I just think that if you go and say you guys aren't going to take advantage of me, then it's going to create a bad work environment. It's not going to be the kind of work environment. I would be more concerned with

setting a good role model and leading them rather than worrying about people taking advantage of you. Is there a concern that they're going to ask off extra day's work, take advantage of you? Do they often not do their job? What does it mean take advantage of?

I'm confused by the parameters. Well, she can't answer your question because she's not on this call. Because she's words on a screen. I understand the concept. I know how that works. I'm wanting you guys to tell me what you think it is. Yeah, I like that kind of stuff. Just not showing up for work

and then being like, what? Fire me. I've been doing this longer than you've been alive. Or stealing rubber bands. Stealing all the rubber bands. What are you doing with those rubber bands? They're all mine. I'm making a child. Rubber baby.

Just love that song so much, gotta make it human. So it's like, maybe taking advantage of leaving a rubber baby in her chair without warning her. And with a sign that says we wish rubber baby was our boss. Yeah, rubber baby do better than you. Have you? You shouldn't be my manager, rubber baby.

He's very, he's bouncy. He smells like an old newspaper. He's very quiet, but he's very resilient. And you can play hoops with him. Like with him. Like with him. On him, to him. You can play basketball to him.

The one baby, it's okay to drop. I think that, I understand you're worried, but I think if you focus on having a good relationship with these people, that's gonna be your best bet. Especially for people who've been doing this for so long, you're not gonna whip them into shape. You're not gonna whip them into submission.

And I don't think you should look at working with them or trying to appease them as a loss. I think it was just plain good leadership. I agree. You should have an unsheathed samurai sword open on your desk.

That is absolutely right. That when someone comes in to ask you a question, no matter how benign the question is, just slowly stroke the hand. Yeah, just stroke that was I.T.T. and just let her know what's up. Sorry, Travis, go right ahead.

I was just gonna say, I think a good rule of thumb for pretty much every situation like this is if you respect yourself, if you have confidence in yourself, then that will carry over to them. If you go in afraid that they're gonna take advantage of you, if you go in feeling underqualified because you're younger than them,

that's gonna be the image you project. But if you go in saying, I deserve to be here, I deserve to be the supervisor, they will they will respect that. If this were a Reese Witherspoon movie, she would have her gay best friend who doesn't work there

come into the place and do something wrong, and then she would fire him in front of everyone. What do you think? Oh, and he would like that. How does she be so mean? I got a sick kid. I got a sick baby. I don't understand why the friend has to be gay.

I just thought that later he's gonna help out with her relationship. Is this Timothy Oliphant? Can I imagine? Actually, if you imagine Timothy Oliphant as a gay man, you have to go to jail. The man only wears cowboy hats. He wears cowboy hats in the shower. And if you picture Timothy Oliphant in the shower

in a cowboy hat, you have to go to jail. We have an Oliphant Laws. I don't want to go to jail. Oh, I'm almost sure Isaac Asimov wrote the Oliphant Laws. Yeah, sure. A law one, cowboy hat.

Law two, draw. How about a Yahoo! Answer question? Please. This one was sent by Daniel McKinney. I'm almost certain Justin just looked at it. It's about Yahoo! Answers user Garland Garcia who asks, is it legal to have sex with trees on your own property?

Oh. Oh, my. Now, the top answer is, unless the tree can be seen by a passerby, it's not illegal. It's not as if there's a precedent to making it illegal. Despite the foolishness of the question, I've decided to address it seriously.

And I appreciate that, John Lennon. Just to use your name. I don't think that that's accurate. Oh, yeah, sure. Here's what's terrifying about this question and why I decided to discuss it. Do you think I meant the answer or the fact that that is John Lennon?

Or the fact that there's no precedent for this. I know, I agree with that part. I don't agree with that that is John Lennon. He's a ghost in the machine, but he's trapped in Yahoo! Answers forever and he just wants out so bad. Please let him on another site. You can't find his way out because it's elaborate.

Take it from me. Our show is really about trying to find John Lennon's ghost hidden in Yahoo! Answers. Hidden in the hedge maze of terribleness. Is there a concern that a tree would report him to the police? For treesay, for arboreal sex crimes? Uh-huh.

I don't think that that's a concern. Then what other law, besides just being completely indecent and public, which is a law no matter what you're having sex with? Wrongo. Wrongo. Here's what I'm saying.

Here's what's upsetting. If your fence is high enough? People could be fucking trees. They could have trees fucking them or each other. They could have grown the trees into a position that makes it look like they're having sex. I'm talking about branches and the bird holes

into fucking, man, a nastiness. A nastiness. So wait, is your concern that this is like rampant? I'm saying who knows if you walk by a house with an 8 foot fence, you just go ahead and assume that they are fucking something they should not be. And spray paint on the fence. Tree fuckers

go home. Crop some trees. And then just spend every night worrying about white ash beetles. Termites. I mean, I think people are stumping on the reg. You do? I think people are stumping

right now, somewhere in this world. Well that explains okay, now I get the t-shirts stumpers have wood. Yeah. I get it now. It's over. It upsets me that we can find loopholes

in the legal system to allow this kind of thing. Shouldn't our law system is to keep people from doing really upsetting things, isn't that the whole idea? I don't want the fucking law and order special victims unit to like kick in the door and be like, hey sex police don't move!

Why do we even have special guests here? Is that on the floor, tree fucker? Yeah. Why even have the SVU if they're not going to stop shit like this from happening? Basically, it's in my brain. Here's what you guys may not realize about my brain is just by saying that word saying like tree fucker

now in my brain there's constantly 24-7 until the day I die a tiny man fucking a tiny tree in my brain and he's just shouting tree fucker tree fucker tree fucker tree fucker or tree man penis intercourse intercourse intercourse like it can't be stopped

please stop the noise but you can't stop the noise of the tree to kick in the door and be like, stop SVU! and he can't do that in your brain I can't hold on, I gotta incept him in there get him out, brain iced tea ahhhh guys, Gryffin's eyeballs are bleeding

I think he incepted too much don't have sex with trees don't have sex with if only to avoid the horrifying half human half tree babies and also the dick splinters stop it! dryads have to come from somewhere

I want them to walk the earth and it's the only way to get it done it may not be pleasant, it's questionably legal but if we're gonna have someone to bestow upon us like special tree power dryad magic shit I would like to imagine that dryad babies

are just completely like boring and normal people and you see like a half human half tree and you're like give me your wisdom and he's just like dude, I work at the plant I got nothing I work on my shit models when you guys were younger did you ever read the taking tree?

taking tree give me that sap God I'm sad in my brain just ruined a children's book for everybody how many other children, I've done Horton here's a who and I've done the giving tree, what else can I ruin today?

yeah, the show podcast? hey my girlfriend and I have a long distance relationship for almost nine months now we're both about to be college freshmen at different universities as of the past few days however she has determined that she wants

to back out for a semester or two and go home to build her confidence I think this is a huge mistake but don't know how to correctly approach her about it I want to be supportive of it at every corner but at the same time

I want to make sure she's making the right decision worried in Wilmington you know worried, it's a funny thing about being supportive it's that once the person makes the decision you support them

interesting yeah I know, you back them up you just do the thing the word says right, because if you say like I don't think you're doing the right thing you're messing up you're going to be perpetually messing up in my eyes I don't think that's supporting the person

like she's a big girl but at the same time okay so if you're just trying to be supportive I agree with Justin however there is a certain amount of like teaching someone to drive if they're swerving towards a tree

you grab the wheel and you guide them away from hitting that tree nope, you got to be supportive and you got to respect their decision to drive you into a tree seriously think about this for a second how many times have you

how many times have you made a decision and then someone tells you a big serious decision and someone tells you you know it's the wrong way to go and you've changed your mind against your own free will it's something that you didn't want to do

but that person changed your mind the only time we take people's advice is when it's justification for what we already want to do that's not true I think that's an excellent point I think it's absolutely correct when people ask for advice what they want is someone to support them

and if you really care about her I say you just support this decision she's smart enough to make her own choices she knows her own life and her own mind I don't think trying to talk her out of things is the way to go in your own brain

when you have a tough decision like this you can be leaning towards one or the other but I think you're still susceptible to advice I think that's kind of a messed up way to look at things well no, especially in this case she didn't ask for advice she didn't want his opinion on what she didn't say like hey

if someone's asking the reason I point this out is that if she was asking for your advice and she was kind of like on the fence one or the other for sure like tell her what you think like convince someone to do something they don't want to do I think is going to be a huge source of undue stress

in your relationship let's get specifically into this question though she wants to go home to build her confidence and instead of giving her advice I think that you can help her do that and still get her to go to school still get her to keep up her regular school schedule

because this is the kind of thing where I'm not saying it's the right choice for everybody all the time but if you think it's the right choice for her and presumably you know her pretty well I think that you I think it's your duty to to try and influence her decision I just worry that

going home and like backing out of school isn't a good way to build confidence not at all it seems like she's afraid to start this next step of college and so she's just not going to do it and that is not confidence building at all

so that like what turns me is that it's not the idea of you saying it is a bad idea is that it is a bad idea and you said you're going to different universities if it's because she doesn't want to leave you you need to

that's not good at all that's not good well is she is her staying like is the place she's staying near the university that he's going to I don't know but if that is the case you're going to interject and be like

hey don't do this for me this is a super important thing that you have to do and don't do it for this relationship I think that in all things if you're looking for a way to approach it and actually like bring it up asking questions is better than making statements

if you're like why do you think why do you feel you need to do this what's your plan that kind of thing is supposed to go like this is a bad idea that's you but asking her questions will help her to realize if it's something she really wants to do

or not yeah it's a sticky it's a sticky situation but I just don't try to impose your own thoughts because she's looked at this at different angles but there's ways to

what I would do if I were you is really talk to her about it and really figure out what's really at the root of it and understand it because if you understand what she's feeling completely then you are going to see things her way you will see why she is staying there

and then you can kind of go from there but I would first I think your first step is to try to to um understand where she's coming from personally that's what I think

yeah and I think do you do the one about the tree sex again yeah sure hey, tree sex what's up with that um how about this one this one is sitting by golly a. olly

it's by gahoo answers user jordan crumb remember that last name everybody jordan crumb my last name is crumb and I am running for 4h president at my school I need good slogans for my posters 4h is green and for the planet please put more than one slogan done and done

crumb believable fuck you beat me to it can we send it to that song he's crumb believable I wish that that wasn't always in my head all the time 24 7 just that like 2 seconds of music unbelievable unbelievable

unbelievable unbelievable time to pull the crumb believable chord and succeed pull it cut it cut the crumb get out of this get out of this one he's not like that we are cartoonist crumb it

Jesus um uh come and I'm looking at you give me something look at my eyes crumb crumb I think there's nothing I don't want to say that isn't

put it on your earmuffs everybody calm I mean I'm glowing let's see some of the uh some of the really some of the really stellar answers here uh several slogans for crumb for 4th president are don't be

no I'm sorry what crumb for 4th president okay it's the 3rd president down the line don't be glum vote for crumb 4th president not so great not a good start I was going to be glum but

give a ho ho hum vote for crumb 4th president nope that's not it at all who you voting for ho ho hum crumb typical new and Tyler too I give out chewing gum if you vote for crumb nope nope

all these things make me want to not vote for crumb make it all a thumb vote for president crumb that's if he's president crumb he doesn't need your vote to be fair president crumb sounds like a warlord and I love it don't become numb vote for crumb

he will lead us alive our school will thrive what the fuck to a glorious revolution over lord crumb and the in the floor of the cafeteria we stayed with brad I'm seeing in my mind like a chubby

version of beans from even Stevens that kid only he's in the Obama poster the hope poster I mean it's a hope it just says crumb fuck Justin Russo make that Justin Russo make that teaser by the way those suggestions came from George

he's a college professor of education at four universities in Illinois New York South Carolina in the District of Columbia he likes making slogans so if you go to college in one of those four states you should probably move dude listen DC why didn't he give Obama some of his help for 2012 like Obama

yo mama vote for fourth president what is fourth president he makes that like a fourth meal president Obama he killed Osama fourth president get him give him your votes let's keep this country alive

it must thrive Obama is there a who's hairy chrome angle we're not approaching um no okay alright that's good enough for me hey you're a college professor

of education you're fired go find another state that happened to him three times your slogans are terrible do you think he teaches politics I bet he teaches education about politics I bet that he knows every single study that's ever been done in any presidential campaign

and he has compiled that information to create these surefire winning machines you gotta come up with something snappy I like Ike that's great I chum crumb is that good um no

big tum crumb I think it's time to accept that you don't have a successful political name can we change it to like Broderick yeah rock broderick president and king rock broderick

sexual desire what is this voice that you're doing what about what about if you ditch all the president's shit what if you focus on your sexual potency yeah crumb he is adequate he'll get the job done crumb

he'll do the electric slide with you at the dance crumb sporting boner since 2006 crumb's got more boners than he knows what to do with fourth president crumb he'll help you with your long division he's got that shit down he's in fourth grade

yeah I mean the trick for winning a presidential election with Travis I'm sure you know all about is to find your sort of your area of expertise in fourth grade like are you a basketball star

because if that's the case crumb makes all the points for the big team slam dunk I would suggest just a series of how about a series of pictures of him as a basketball star as a chemist

as president Obama but just the exact same facial expression than ever his arm around Barry we caught him together Barry you caught him couldn't have done it without you and you couldn't have done it without me oh fuck you're so good

you are easy fourth grader yeah but he's also sexually potent I'm trying to I'm bringing all of our birds into this oh my god Griffin that answer was put onto this question 13 hours ago I've been hot

oh fresh out the kitchen Georgia's still out there helping people wait he must be stopped crumb just put this okay guys this is such a rare opportunity crumb just put this question up 15 hours ago and there are still three days left to answer if you can find this

question and start giving him some crummy suggestions that would be I love that okay we just tapped into it you're crummy as president yeah well I know I think it has to be his name's crumb but he's not crummy vote for him don't be a dummy

whoa his name's crumb he's not coming fuck he's not coming don't tell listen I'm saying get your mom get a fucking almost glue stick get some sprinkle sparkles and just fucking make that slogan happen

give me a picture of you high fiving Barack Obama holding Osama bin Laden's head fantastic guaranteed win so hey I run a lot just a fact and because of that I'm usually wearing short shorts around my house and just in general

I love them because they're so comfortable and easy to wear everyone I know that isn't a runner hates them and sometimes they're even appalled by the fact that I'm wearing them stop going to funerals in your short shorts what I'm asking you is

why do people hate short shorts I love them you know what Bobby just told me about this show we say pretty clearly I think in all of our promotional materials our TV ads Super Bowl spot it's an advice show for the modern era

David has come to us not seeking advice he has his decision about short shorts is cast in iron I think this is an opportunity I think it's like one of those things where no one

goes to a psychiatrist because they're afraid they have narcissism like they go because they're depressed because nobody realizes how awesome they are I think that that's what this is David has not asked for advice but I feel David needs

advice how short are these shorts dog that's my question what are we talking about here are we talking about some Daisy Dukes are we talking about some Jordan crumbs like how short are these in order for that joke to make sense you have to see the picture

of Jordan crumb that we're both looking at right now his t-shirt is so long I can't even see it it looks like he's like a girl in a poison music video right now there's sparks everywhere I would also say that short shorts in this situation sound like a uniform

for running so you should probably relegate it to that time and only that time yeah just wear them while you're running and no other time ever that's like if I were a 55 year old surfer and I just rolled around in a wetsuit all the time

it's like all the time or floated around in a wetsuit until the Coast Guard came by I'm not sure I'm even cool with it while it's running because when I when I express myself through movement and I see a gentleman pass by

which they're keen to do because I'm not the fastest runner and I see them wearing those short shorts and it sounds like their thighs are high-fiving over and over again well then you just do a slight wave and say please don't try to see my balls yeah like I can I can't not see his balls they're in my everything

at that point like in that brief moment where they pass by and they always touch me they always just brush up against and I feel their moist leg his balls? no not his balls don't be crass his almost balls

still his no-no zone but like his almost balls why are you not wearing them why are you wearing them any other time that's a running uniform like I don't wear my cleats for sports inside the house my sport cleats

I'm saying don't wear them at all when I've been done with my desert horse race I think off my job purse yeah yeah and David just so we're clear people don't hate your short shorts people hate your legs they don't want to see you all the things

they don't want to see your pasty sweaty getaway stance yeah what kind of legs are we talking about here are we talking about like some daddy long legs lanky ass pale and pasties or are they jealous are we talking about legs that look like

Robin Williams fingers maybe we're talking about legs that go all the way up and everybody's just jealous are we talking about some Michael Sarah's or are we talking about some Bruce Valanches they're both bad

I don't understand what you're saying I know I'm trying to gauge what kind of have you ever seen a dude's legs gone aw yeah except for Timothy Oliphant 11 Timothy Oliphant yeah go to jail do you know what best go

I don't think that's a good look for a dude I don't think a I haven't talked to a lady who appreciates a good leg I know ladies like buns yeah they're like a tight bun but like I guess you get that by running so you want them to run in assless chaps

or just just running jeans everybody can you hide your fucking gross legs nothing like the comfort and ease of jeans you can get some cargo jeans going and you can tuck bottles of water in there you can put your zoom and your bottle of water

and your bag of cheese nips yeah bag of cheese nips maybe a game boy because it gets boring out there on the street I want to get a little bit tetris like how's your run going good catching them all you hungry I got nips and if it helps you can wear your short shorts underneath the jeans

yeah that makes you feel better if you just need to feel that mesh close to your skirt hey I want to hear Griffin's last question but first quick housekeeping stuff we are at mbmbam.com that is the

address of my brother my brother mb.com our twitter is at mbmbam Griffin can you tell how they can reach out to us how they can reach us

you can email us at mbmbam at maximumfund.org or just mbmbam at gmail.com if that's how you like to do what you do or you can just shout at us on twitter we're always looking we're always looking for that hashtag if you need a more direct way

you can call Griffin at 1900 hotpants with the Z don't call that number though because it's probably something bad I want to thank John and Roderick for the use of their theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed

just go buy that we're in Seattle right now I've just been thinking about hunting him down like an antelope some sort of wild creature well then you tag him and release him back tag him and release him but thank him I just want to thank him personally for it hey John thank you for the use of your song

it's so good I'm sorry people have asked what's our closing song oh it's off girl talks feed the animals it's player part part 2 the very ending of it thank you girl talk player part part 2

and thank you to everybody who talked about us on twitter this week always Amy H always devoted in her talking about us rocks in his head I appreciate that Ryan Winslet

Galen our bold hero Bird Lord I want to thank Ashbrook Ek it's probably Ashbrook Kay now that I look at it again who wondered if the quake mentioned on this week

my brother my brother and me and sadly it will not thanks to ham doctors we met we met Oni Daven and our friend Lindsay here in Seattle so thank you to both of them for being so sweet

and speaking of people we met we met Emily Carroll who you can find at Emily Terrible on twitter she does the best art I was super nervous she's super nervous because it's like you make the best art now you're talking to us

she made an mbmbm art I'm sure everybody saw it got blowed up worldwide but if you didn't just track her down it's in the forums maximumfund.org and I want to throw out a special thanks to Joel Siebert

who also thought that all checks had to be in cursive so I'm glad that he was there with me if you'd like to have us talk about a special event in life or your corporation that wants us to promote your product

or if you're a lonely gentleman and you want to still haven't done that personal ad if you want us to boost your sexual confidence so you can go to school so you can go to school finally then we can do that for you listen I'm so hungry right now you gotta give the address stupid

it's maximumfund.org maximumfund.org maximumfund.org jumbotron and we will blow your shit up it's affordable we'll talk all about you only nice things

unless you raise our ire and we'll blow your shit up and we will literally say anything you want we will suck anything we'll say anything from what for money I'm so hungry oh 69

oh guys it's episode 69 30 open a window Christian say the last question I read it I can see your computer but listen episode 69 I feel like this is a good moment

because I think that we pleased our consumers and they pleased us and so I just want to thank this is the time for thank yous and I want to thank every single one of our listeners we couldn't have done it without you and you couldn't have done it without us yeah you have to have us

just fucking remember that you're nothing without us and we're nothing without you so thanks for let's just rub each other's gins they're gentles just rub some gins thanks everybody

this is finally Ahu was sent in by gollyayali thank you gollyayali it's by yahoo institute user hottyheart25 I have canker sores in my mouth is it bad to eat spicy Doritos? I'm Justin McRoy I'm Travis McRoy

this has been my brother and my brother and me kiss your dad square on the lips you