My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 70: Spit on a Dog

Episode Date: September 5, 2011

We hope you guys share our rampant fervor for Emmy season, because it's basically all we're talking about on this week's episode. Actually, we start out the episode talking about it for like two minutes, and then never return to it again, which is kind of par for the course. Suggested talking points: Nuclear Family, Lonely Dew, Recovery Sandwich, The Bounty Hunter, Expectorate, Cat in a Hat with a Hat, Ambiguous Boyfriend, A Lonely Year, Skinny Driving

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, you've found my brother, my brother, read advice show for the modern era, and we have Emmy Fever. Tonight, I'm gonna sit down with a box of popcorn and a bottle of Pinot Grige and watch Miss Jane Lynch do her thing tonight on the Emmy stage to honor some of my favorite programs of the year.

Who do you like, Justin? Who do you favor this year? Glee, obviously. I got Gleef. Like across the board? I got Gleef Fever over here. Gleefer, I've got it. Who's taking home that tiny golden angel? That little golden angel is going in the hands of the talent of Miss Leah Michelle for her portrayal of a role of Sing Girl from Glee. Jessica Singstar.

Jessica Singstar, the talented, upstart, half Jewish, half singer, talent powerhouse known as Gleea Michelle. Now, Justin, let me ask you this. Yes. Who's your pick for outstanding sound mixing for nonfiction and programming? Uh, that is going to go to the one and only Ken Burns for his documentary, Ungly. Ah, I see.

Okay. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm your oldest brother and I have Gleefer. Uh, I'm Travis McRoy and I think that that Ken Burns documentary would be called, uh, The Gay the Earth Sood Still. I'm Griffin. How's your Gleefer right now? That's low. I took a pretty intense regiment of antibiotics that really, really dried me up inside and out,

but I've finally beaten, I've beaten the Glee. You kicked it? I kicked the Glee. It was tough, tough stuff for a while now, but now I'm just hooked on modern family. Oh, so the scenarios that they get into on that show. Which one on that show is the robot? I always forget. The little child, the child.

The child is. Small wonders too. Yeah, they had to replace her because her, um, her robot batteries ran out. She died. Really? Yeah, she died from it. Don't you think that modern family, if you're going to use a name like that, you got to have one of the kids as an android.

And maybe one's like a mutant, like a nuclear, you know, kind of thing. Yeah. Oh, and then you call it nuclear family. There you go. Hey, ABC, you're welcome. Hey, TM, TMC with a circle. This is, of course, an advice show for the modern era. So let's dip into the questions that we've been sent by you, the listening public.

This morning I woke up from a fun filled Friday night and realized I felt like garbage since I forgot to take care of the ibuprofen before bed and the too early in the morning trick. You're welcome, by the way, everybody. Uh, so my question is this. When I wake up feeling nauseous and a bit dizzy, not that hangover headache style, which question without a question, is a splitting headache required for it to be considered a hangover? No, but just feeling disoriented and poopy.

Am I still technically drunk? And that's from, oh God, I hope I don't blow a .08, which says to me this color was drunk driving, which of course we do not endorse. No, because when you wake up in the morning, there's no way you're still drunk. Like if you were still drunk, you wouldn't feel poopy and terrible. You'd feel awesome. You'd feel great. Yeah.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly. It's fading fast. I think it's one of those things like a crazy person never, if you think you might be crazy, you're not crazy. Like if you have the coherence to go, oh, I feel bad and crappy. Maybe I'm drunk, then you're not drunk.

Yeah. What you have is a, it's called a loss of sense of well-being. It's one of the symptoms of hangovers, which don't require headaches. It can manifest in lots of people different ways. Some people get headaches. Some people get nauseous. Some people get cranky. So people get just really randy.

Yeah. Yeah. So people get like horny. Just real horny. I want to lie that out. At the very first time I got drunk on Mountain Dew Code Red and Vodka, I was the next morning just happy to be alive. Are you fucking kidding me?

What? That's the first thing you got drunk on was Code Red and Vodka? Yeah, that was a fun puke. Well, did you throw some combos into that cocktail? It was spicy tortilla and salsa. What kind of cheesy snack cracker were you pounding? You know, it's funny about that, that time. The very next night ate a pound of hamburger,

fud ruckers, and I puked then too. Oh, God. I puked two nights in a row, neither from illness. That weekend is your Everest. How's your lifestyle? Not good? Sounds pretty bad. Ugh.

Did this person ask for advice and I missed it? No, he's asking the question, is he still technically drunk? If I think what he's asking is, like, is he capable to function the next morning and do things like drive to the store and drive home from the party? No, no, I was watching the state line where they said if you're like mega sleepy,

if you're like the sleepiest, it's the same as being drunk. Here's the thing, people. Being drunk isn't the only thing that stops you from being a good driver. Like, I can't stress that enough. If you're super tired or meat drunk or like you're pot hot and Netflix on your laptop or pot high, don't drive pot high.

I can't stress that enough. No, because it'll get giggles. Oh, yeah. Rely on your pot show fur. Always range for a pot show fur before. Never forget. Giles. Giles, I need you.

Giles. Giles, take me to the Taco Bell. Here's, I think that what you should plan on is if you pass out at the party, general MO should be you wake up in the morning and you watch some kind of bro movie or terrible movie and have some eggs and just kind of lay on the couch for hours.

Eggs are good. They have selenium in them. Your body is craving that. And also bacon if you got queasy tummy. Can you give us a bro movie that like just an example of a bro movie Hangover. Okay.

A little on the nose, but... I mean, but it's perfect. You can watch Short Circuit. Anything with Steve Gutenberg is going to be great. Anything with Tim Robbins from the 80s. Gutenberg has plenty of selenium in them. And that's good. Yeah.

This is what your body craves. Your body craves the goot at that point. Idiocracy is a great movie to watch when you're hungover. My body craves Gutenberg. Got to get the goot. This is Gatorade G3. The first two Gs are Gatorade. The third one is Gutenberg.

Can we jump back to the 80s on He Was Real Popular so I can use the phrase get the goot more? Yeah. Get that goot. Get the goot. Get that goot. Oh, you guys saw him in Veronica Mars. He was great.

He still got all the old, old pizzazzle. Oh, his episode of Party Down is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. He's great. He's a talent. So I guess if you're... I don't know if you were still drunk when you wrote this email, but if you're still drunk...

Now you have a serious problem. You're a mailman, probably. I mean, I'm pretty sure he was drunk. I'm looking at his grammar here. I'm looking at his... He's got parentheses inside of brackets, inside of those curly brackets. I don't know what those are actually called.

There's a lot of things happening in the typography here. What you can do is if you wake up and you're still drunk, you can do what my friend Dan did in college, which is decide it's not safe to drive home and walk home and take a nap under a tree. Hey, that's what trees are for you, dummy. Yeah, they're right there. Shield you from the moonlight.

They're like, hey, temporary houses for drunk people. My girlfriend and elves and drunk elves. My girlfriend and I broke up about eight weeks ago. And even though I instigated it, it was still a very tough breakup. I'm feeling better now. Good. But I'm not quite back to my normal self.

Last week, a cute girl gave me her number and we'll be going on a date soon. However, I'm feeling nervous about the date. I'm not sure I'm fully over my ex and ready to go on a date with a new girl. How will I know when I'm ready? And is there anything wrong with going on a date when I'm not sure I'm ready?

That's from ready or rebounding? I think that's how you've... Isn't that how you find out? Yeah, yeah, you've come to the right place. That is how you find out. You're so inside your own head right now. I'm assuming that this was a long relationship that he was in,

if you still have enough time with it eight weeks later. At the very least, it sounds like it was important. So you may be ready, you may not be ready, but the only way to really tell is to go on a date. And there's nothing wrong with that. You should probably be kind of upfront about the fact that you just got out of a long relationship, depending on how comfortable you are with this person.

Yeah, don't bring it... That's not an open relationship. By the way... Yeah, I should tell you. Then you also don't want to linger on that point. You want to drop that knowledge and then move on. It's like, hey, quick... Yeah, I wouldn't stress too much about odd date.

You know what I mean? I think you could debate whether or not you're ready to get back into a long-term relationship or what have you, but it's a date. Just go on it. When I was young, a young man, and I still do this to a certain extent, when you're sick,

you spend whole days in bed, you know, eating your ramen or your noodles or what have you. And when you think you're starting to feel better, I would call it puttering around. You know, you put on some sweatpants. You just kind of move around the house a little bit. Get your bearings. If you stay there in bed,

even when you're not sick, you're going to feel like it. And loneliness and being single and getting over a breakup is a lot the same way. Until you kind of kick that in gear and force your body and mind into that, like, it's not going to happen to you. You've got to bring a little bit of momentum to that change.

And that's a really great analogy because while you're puttering around in the love sphere, you're going to still be wearing your sweatpants. And you're not going to be super good at pretty much anything. But one of these days, you'll shake off your contagion, you'll shake off the bonds of your plague, and you'll leave your house, and you'll fall in love again.

You'll let the sun shine on your skin. Feel the rain on your skin. Maybe this girl is that big bite of the recovery sandwich that you need to take right now. Big chomp of it. Have you used that term on this show before? That term was so important to me in my formative years. I don't think we've ever mentioned the recovery sandwich.

How did the recovery... Can you explain me the recovery sandwich a little bit, Griffin? I mean, anytime one of us, we get hurt by a woman kind, which was frequent. The others would sort of rally around. I'm pretty sure you incepted the phrase, Justin. You know what? I actually think my dear friend, Tommy Redd, incepted the recovery sandwich.

He sent me the first one, I believe. But you just take a big bite of that recovery sandwich. Just get on with it. You got to take measures. Yep. Just take some measures. Don't be afraid. Yeah.

Don't be afraid. Let love in again. Kiss her. Just kiss her on the cheeks. Just propose. Now, I will say the one caveat I will have is that sometimes in that rebounding phase coming out of a serious breakup, if it was a long-term serious relationship you came out of,

you're going to want to rush things to get back to that feeling. Oh, yeah. Miss that feeling. Yeah. Oh, shit. Pump those brakes, Parker. Please. Because you're not going to get back to that spending all day

cuddling in bed watching movies phase on the first date. Nor should you. Just be cool. Yeah. Just be cool. Low pressure situation. Just be your awesome self. This is a good chance for you to learn.

You got to learn how to be totally cash. Yep. Yeah, to be cash money. But not so, not sweat pant cash. Yeah. That part of relationship is your reward for doing all this dumb shit for a year or so. But you got to get there. You both got to earn it.

And ladies, by the way, I wanted to make this clear, you too can have your own recovery sandwich. I got you probably want to put weirder things on it. Because I think girls like weirder things on their sandwiches, like alpha sprouts. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God.

Yes. Like alpha sprouts and avocado. Gross and like that stuff. This sandwich is gross. I mean, what would that be for men? Man, we're so easy. We're so easy to pin down. Like my recovery sandwich could literally be a sandwich.

I would be eating a sandwich that was so good that it helped heal my broken heart. He has pulled you right out of the doldrums. Yeah. Just like Paul Bart fills in the cracks in his heart with pie with a sandwich. Mine is Goofy Movie. Yeah, Goofy Movie's great. I mean, for guys, it's going out and meeting another lady and having a good, good, low-priced, cash time with her.

Maybe it's something as simple as buying a whore. Yeah. Maybe go rent a whore from the rent-a center. Well, rent to own, and then after a while, if you decide to keep it, it's yours. You got a whore wife. You paid it off with no interest. It's wonderful. Hey, everybody.

Travis just casually endorsed slavery. How's your Monday? Pretty good. Griffin, do you have a Yahoo answer to dig us out of this hole? Yeah, that's our palate. This one was sent in by Emily Bartelt. Thank you, Emily Bartelt. It's by Yahoo Answers user Derek Muller or Mueller.

Who asks? Would you ever date a bounty hunter? This question is for women. The bounty hunter is a guy. I think we can ignore that. That addendum. It's tough stuff. Are there female bounty hunters around?

Oh, I hope so. I hope they're friends on my mind. My dreams. I can actually prove that there aren't. Okay. Because there's no series on the Discovery Channel about him. Fair enough. Yeah.

Right. Statistically speaking. I mean, Dog, the bounty hunter's wife does so much sort of ancillary work for him. I think she qualifies as a bounty hunter, right? Like, she's a fucking tough guy. I think she's an apprentice bounty hunter. I don't think she's mastered it yet. I don't think of her as less of a bounty hunter,

just because she's in the fair sex. I think that she is just... No, no, no. It's not that. I think she just hasn't started her own franchise yet. Yeah. The show's not called, you know, Glinda the bounty hunter or whatever. Exactly.

That would be an awesome show, though. Use this, the bounty hunter. I don't know. I like the idea of that, though. There has to be one. There has to be one. There has to be one. Yeah, because they have so many wiles,

and they could use those wiles to just entrap and snare a family. Oh, they're feminine wiles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And also, like, maybe she's like a super tough, feminine, wild woman Mm-hmm. who collects bounties on heads. Okay.

You know what sucks? You know what job sucks? Tell me. The bounty hunter. You know why? Why? It's so... so glamorous at first, I bet.

Like, you see Boba, Boba Fett? And you're like, you know, like, I wanted that life. I want to be that guy. But it's not all Boba Fett. But it's not all Boba Fett and Slave Ones, which was the name of his ship, and not a second endorsement of slavery on our show. It's all about, you know, jetpacks and grappling hooks and blasters.

But when you really get to that... You know, under that Mandalorian armor, it's all about Mandalorian armor. He's a guy just putting in nine to five, you know, just punching the clock. It's all about, yeah. But, like, in the real practice of it, it's just a lot of paper pushing.

It's just a lot of, you know, knocking on doors and sternly talking to a gentleman. Like... And if I've learned anything from talking to bounty hunter, then you offer him a cigarette and then tell him about Jesus. Yeah. If I'm not mistaken.

Yeah, it's like, I'm going to take you in. Like, you are going to the big house, but you can also go to the big house in the sky. Wouldn't that kill you? I have good news for you. Well, the bad news is you're going to jail. The good news is everlasting life. What's up?

The question is, though, could you ever date one? Oh, no. No. I think so. Well, what if you committed a crime around them? Oh, my God. The bounty. Oh, then it becomes a Harrison Ford movie.

Actually, it becomes a Gerard Butler, Jennifer Aniston feature. Oh, gross. Oh, no. I pulled that out. Put that away, Griffin. Now, what's the hit name of that hit film? It's called Bounty for Love.

No, it's not. It's called Friends with Bounties. I think it's called The Price on Your Head is Love. Can you hold my helmet? It's called Slave One. It's actually called The Bounty Hugger. Yes, we will allow it. Yes.

Oh, God, right at the wire. Got it in underneath there. It's called Jennifer Aniston's Done, Everybody. Wave goodbye to her. She had a good run. It's called the emasculation of Gerard Butler, the movie, in movie form. I think I could love a bounty hunter.

You think you could? I think I could. Well, of course, you'd love them. It's about the relationship. You know what I mean? Could you put up with the long hours and the sitting up at nights wondering if they've hunted their bounty or not? Yeah, I think I would love her so much

that none of that other stuff would matter, you know? Griffin, I want to say that normally there's a comedy show, but you've really inspired me today. I don't want to thank you for that. To become a bounty hunter? You'd be great at it, Justin. You would be phenomenal. You would be.

You are insatiable. You would just tenacious. Yeah. Yeah. You're unswitching. Once you have a mark, you just chase them down until you get your prize and you send them to heaven. Like, when I get my mindset on something, I can't be stopped.

Yeah. Yeah. And you look damn fine in a bulletproof vest. Like, for instance, right now, I really need to use the bathroom and even though we're recording a show, I'm just going to put my headphones on my mic and go do it and then come right back. See?

No big deal. Unswerving. Justin. You know, he's for real using the bathroom. He's really gone, huh? So here's another question. Hey, brothers, my friend won't stop spitting. He'll do it wherever me and my other friends go

and it's an extremely annoying and disgusting habit. So I was wondering, is there any way to stop the spit for good? And that's from Adrian. I need to talk to everybody. If you... Okay, listen. I want to address a specific branch of spitting, even though I don't know this is what they're specifically talking about,

but it is in the family. I don't endorse the use of any tobacco products, except for the ones that I myself use. Snus. Snuff and pipe. No, no, no, I'm sorry. Snus. Snus?

Snus. Snus. Snus. Hey, hey, everybody, stop dipping. Oh my God, it's the grossest thing. It's the worst thing that ever happened to anybody when they see you do it. Everybody wants to die and they hate you for doing it.

Please stop it. Sometimes I like to picture the smartest people in the world, great philosophers and great scientists in the middle of a speech just reaching down and grabbing their empty Coke bottle and just letting some brown-spittled dribble out of their mouths into it. Do you know what a fucking monster you look like? I'm not joking with you right now. Stop it.

There's my anti-dipping message for the... I am. If you're going to do it, practice safe chawing. If you're going to chaw, if you're going to skull it, like at least be safe and smart about it. I worked in a movie theater for a while and where I was a... I was a...

Not an usher. What's the... Who are the dudes who like cleaned out it? I was one of the dudes who like cleaned the theater out afterwards. You were a janitor. I was a janitor, basically. But like a... A stonian.

I was a stonian for the movie theater. And I would go in after John Cena's The Marine. I would go in after that showing. And this was deep in the heart of West Virginia and there would be cups. Just like those Dixie cups. And people would just have them sitting on the floor. And I would come up like sweeping like,

oh, let me get this half drunk Dixie cup of Coke out of it. Oh, no. It's human expector. It's fucking... It came from your mouth after you swashed it around with chaw and skull. You're fucking gross. You couldn't pick that up and throw it in the garbage can? You couldn't because you didn't want people to see you

carrying around a cup of your own spit. Your own warm human spit. Your own warm... That came from your body, dog. Like, I don't come to your house and like fucking jerk off in some sort of container and just like, I'm gonna leave this on the floor. We cool?

We are not cool. Everyone who has ever made the argument that smoking looks cool, it's like a million times the opposite for dipping. Like, I don't understand the appeal of it. There is zero appeal. I would rather eat a cigar. I'd rather feed a cigar to a baby than anyone ever dip again. But I think this person's talking about spit.

Just like normal spit. You look when you have it in your lip even. You look like you have a tumor. You look like you have a tumor in your face. You started eating a grape and then you stopped. You just gave up on it. And you said, I'll say this for later. This is mine now.

You look like a fucking hamster, only a gross hamster with brown lips. Go home. Okay, so, but spitting. Here's the thing. I don't even understand why someone... As much as I don't understand dipping and spitting, why would a human being just spit for no reason?

Like, what is stopping them from holding their saliva in their mouth? Just swallow it. Like, we're all walking around swallowing. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Let's set some ground rules, because we're in some pretty gross territory in this question that I don't want to tread. Don't say that.

No, you do it every day. You just don't think about it. Just regulate your own... Just regulate your fluids without like... Without showing them to... Just don't let things that are in your body out of your body. Can that be a rule? Just like, I don't want to see...

I don't get to watch... And by get, I mean half. I don't have to watch you pee or make bathroom. Like, I don't have to make you watch you make bathroom or... You don't... Griffin doesn't have to watch you pee. It's a privilege. I don't have to watch you make... It's a privilege, not a right.

Yeah, I am not forced to watch you make jerksies, but like, I don't... I don't want to see anything... If you have a fluid in your body, fucking leave it there. Don't spit in front of me. Don't pee or two in front of me. Don't cry in front of me, either.

I don't even want to see you sweat. Okay, but hold on guys. I'm going to turn it around. You're rocking the mic. I want to turn it around. Okay. I want to bring back spittoons. Oh, no, even worse.

That's not science's grossest invention, I think, is this spittoon. But it gives you an outlet, a receptacle. Yeah, a community hodgepodge of human spit, a hodge, a miasma of human fluid that is mixed together like a broth, like a rolling broth. It would make daring people to drink stuff more convenient. Because a lot of times you can just go to the spittoon.

A lot of times I want to dare someone to drink something. I don't have anything really good there. And if I try to do something weird, Pepsi's probably already made a soda based on it. Like there's not a lot of options anymore. People like so many weird things. Can we? Let's build off of this.

Can we make a private spittoon? Like a secret spittoon if you do absolutely need to spit. But do you mean like a mask? Like it hangs on your face? No, because then people would still have to see it. I'm talking about like a flask, like a secret flask that you spit into very discreetly. Even that's going to be kind of gross though.

I was thinking more like a gas mask where it was like a full face thing. And so then the receptacle was right below your mouth. But no one could see it or you. That would be pretty good. What about like a, well, you know how we have, you know, you have a Saint Bernard with the barrel of hot cocoa around its neck. You can just have something like that, but it would be a spittoon.

Like a cask, like a spit pendant? Are you saying like a dog that falls you around and you spit on the dog? Has anybody ever seen a dog? No, wait, what? Like my spittle, Saint Bernard. Spit, spit, spit. That's the saddest dog life.

Hey, why is your dog look really sad? All the time. Really sad and moist. Yeah. I spit on my dog all the time. It's a living. It's a living though. It's a dog.

It's a, you're spitting on your dog. Tell your friend to stop spitting on their dog. And every time they spit, I want them to imagine a Saint Bernard's there, you know, with the cask and what all, like they're spitting on him. Just remember Jesus is all around us. So every time you spit, you're spitting on him technically. And if you believe your grandparents are all around us watching you, after they pass away, you're spitting on everyone's dead grandparents.

If you spit and like it just sort of hung in the air, you're like, what? They'd be like, oh, you spit on grandpa. He's like, you found me. Don't you kids? I was going to watch the Marine with you. But now I'm caught and have to go to hell. Listen, let's move on.

Yeah, I feel like we've helped. What you do is you, if your friend spits, you go to where you go and you pick up his leavings and you rub it on his nose and you say, no. I think it's justifiable to just smack him in the face. Every time he does, it's just so uncalled for. So to spit on the ground wherever you happen to be, when he does it, you smack him just like every time. I guarantee that will stop so fast.

Push his nose into his leavings. That's the only thing you can do. No, no, no. Shake the no-no can at him also. Well, I don't have a good transition for this, but money's on. Hey, Joe Willins called us. He wanted us to wish his friend James Bannon a very, very happy birthday. Hey.

Yeah. Hey, Jim, James. We'll go with James. James is studying math and English Lit at Swarthmore College. He plays guitar. It's Big 21 and he's the one who got Joe into our show. So thanks, James for spreading the word. Can we suggest Joe a kickoff drink into this new world that he's entering into?

And Justin, if you say Code Red and vodka, I am going to get the show. Okay. Well, let me suggest maybe Mountain Dew and a little bit of Grenadine and vodka. Okay. Okay, what you just described is some sort of homebrewed Code Red. A little like your own blend. You're talking about DIY nerd beverages. Yeah, DIY, your own blend.

I actually just invented a new drink that I would like to suggest called the Southern Gentleman. No, it's delicious. It's a Bombay sapphire gin and a sweet tea and a little bit of lemon. Oh, I've had one of those. You mean a frat house blackout? No, it's delicious. Then it goes down smooth and you drink it on your back porch while you appreciate having land. When do you put mustard and salt and cheese on it and jalapenos?

That's the third one. And then you pour the drink on a bagel and you just hearty down. Yep. And I puke on you. By the way, the one time it's permissible to spit is when Travis makes you some food and feeds it to you. When you take a bite of Travis's lunch, you will biologically need to spit that out. I imagine the sandwiches I make are like the sweet embrace of death where you're just so happy to go, but you know it's the end.

What's the opposite of a recovery sandwich? The punishment sandwich. A dehabilitation sandwich is the Travis crash. I feel lonelier. I feel lonelier from eating this. This is a backwards concoction I made. So thank you to Joe. If you'd like to wish someone a happy birthday or promote your business or what have you,

get in touch with us. It's maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron. Get out of your very own. Hey, how about Yahoo? What? Oh yeah, how do we go down smooth? This one was sent in by Brussels Sprout. Probably not a real Christian name, but we'll roll with it.

Thank you, Brussels Sprout. It's by Yahoo Answers User. My college fund, 1988, who asks, can I sneak my cat on a plane? She is a kitten about a month old, and I was thinking of putting her in my pocket while I went through security. My pocket is loose. And since she'll be on me, she won't be on my stuff that's being x-rayed. All I have to do is walk through a metal detector.

Do you think this is possible? What the fuck? What the fuck? All right, what the fuck? What life are you living? How much do you love that kitty? How much do you simultaneously love hate your cat that you want it to be with you, but you also want it in your pocket for x-hours?

Yeah. Oh, god. I just, this is like a baby with a cup full of bleach. I just want to smack it away from it and be like, no, you can't have that cat. Don't you see the Mr. Yuck sticker? You will die. Oh, god. Oh, Jesus.

So how can we make this happen? How can we? All right, clearly it's the cat hat. It's a big cowboy hat and the cat sits underneath the hat. Yeah. I'm pretty sure you have to take this off. I like that. Let's take it off.

As Charmie said, sir, you have to take off that 10 gallon hat. It's, well, first of all, it's illegal. Second of all, it's ridiculous. Tell me it's prescription. It's a prescription hat. Sure thing, madam. And you take it off and your cat is standing perfectly on your head. Oh, no, the cat's doing that thing where it's holding its arms and legs up against the sides

of the hat and keeping itself inside the hat. And it's like, well, this looks OK. And you put the hat back on and that's how the cat. And it has its own smaller cowboy hat on it. Yee-haw. I don't want to even help it anymore, but I'm just making beautiful tabloos. These tabloos are pretty beautiful. I there is, of course, a pretty obvious problem with this plan that we're not

that we're not dealing with here. And that's cats have metal skeletons. You see a cat jump off of something high. You don't hear the snapping of bones. You hear like the clanging of metal on metal. That's how they're able to survive falls from great distances. There's cats. You make a great metal skeleton.

You're going to have to get those bones out of that cat. Can you put the cat's bones in your checked luggage? Oh, here we fucking can. This guy's not going to get a cat carrier, but he's going to spring to check a bag. No, he's going full carry on. Let me suggest it's not the it's not the transporting the cat. He cannot go. He is flying from fucking Denver to Seattle.

And you need to have that cat with him for that three hour drive. OK, I've got it. Tell the airline it's a service animal. OK, how can we do this? What is this cat? This is my service kitten. I have a severe nuzzle deficiency. Sometimes I need to get snuggled out mid-flight.

Is it going to be on this plane capable of snuggling? Is there a snuggler on the plane? This man took the bones out of his cat. It is no longer capable of anything. It is a cat bag. Boy, how how much is he going to regret wearing his My Kitty's the bomb teacher? Why did you even pick that one? That's going to make for some awkward conversation with the with the guy.

And cats are weapons, by the way. Duh. Yeah, I feel like this person isn't really thinking through the end game of this question. Oh, you mean a cat funeral for your baby kitten? Because you had it in your pocket? And its brains exploded when the cabin was pressurized? Yeah. Oh, God.

I hate this person. Like, I hate him too. What if your pilot is allergic to cats? Didn't you think about that one, did you? What are you going to do when mewing starts coming from your pockets? What are you going to do? He's going to know. Although it does make for the cutest sequel to Snakes on a plane.

Yeah. Single getting on a plane? I got to get this motherfucking adorable ass kitten off this motherfucking plane. I need to get this fucking adorable single kitten. Just the one. Just the one some pepper fur. This sweet, freshest, tabby pussy. Get him off the plane.

Open that door. Ladies and gentlemen, Kerber starts it. Play this out. Can you, can you, can you drug mule this cat? Are you saying put the cat up your butt? Can you even know? But in you somehow. In a shampoo bottle in your butt.

Is that what you're saying? I, I doesn't have to. You guys are not, you guys are not aware of the, the recent developments in drug mule technology. Oh, okay. Put the cat in your urethra. Yeah, put it right in your wiener. Oh, oh, oh, it's in my picture.

Oh, picture's in there. Just do like I do at the buffet and put it in a sandwich bag. And in your cargo pants. You put in your cargo pants. That's what cargo pants are for. Is this a tiny kitty? Can you keep them in your mouth? Like, so you're being very quiet.

So can I get you anything to drink? Milk. Caffeine sardines. Sardines, if you have them. What about buying them an extra ticket and then dressing him like a tiny human being? See, I love it. This is going to be great, especially if it's a Garfield, especially if it's a bipedal cat with human features.

Oh, and he's wearing a tiny suit and you make him look like a foreigner. And that's why he doesn't speak any English and you translate for him. Okay, okay. I think that this person doesn't want to buy an extra ticket because they can probably just put the goddamn cat in a box and buy the ticket. Yeah. Right? Isn't that the way these things work?

Cats are so low maintenance you can just fucking Fed Exum to your to your final destination. Just do what the cat wants and let it go. Just open your front door and let the cat be free. That's what the cat wants to do. If he loves you, he will find you at your final destination. Fucking Homer Bounce style. Fuck yes. That would be way hard.

Wait, wait, wait, why are you even flying with the cat? Just Homeward Bound it. It's going to be it'll leave the door open. It will Homeward Bound to you. And then on your return trip, it'll Homeward Bound back. Let him get a real good whiff of your musk and then just let him trace you through the sky. Yeah, just pray to God he doesn't Milo and notice it. Oh no.

Oh no. That's a bad thing. You really don't want this cat to Marley and me it. Oh no. Air Bud would be cool though. Let your cat play some sports. Hey, what are a few not incredibly obvious ways of finding out if a girl you like has a boyfriend or not? I'm currently in university and don't really know how to bring up that

topic without the girl realizing that I'm into her. That's from Con Fuzzled in Cincinnati. You gooster. Why? I have a theory that I would like you guys to to refute or agree with and that is that if the girl has a boyfriend and she is not into you, she will mention it awkwardly like in the first four sentences. Am I wrong?

But she'll be like talk, talk, talk. Well, I guess I better go meet my boyfriend. No, no, I don't think that. Well, it depends on the what kind of girl are we talking about? Because if she's the kind of person who thinks that everybody is into them, uh-huh. Then first off, you shouldn't be you shouldn't be pursuing her because that's not an attractive trait.

I don't know. That seems like it would put like more people off than it would. I don't know, Travis. I don't think that's true. I have a really, I have a really cool move. Okay. Ask her out. Yeah, that's and then why are you afraid of letting her realize that you're into her?

Can I make a metaphor here? But that's like rather than asking someone if they're allergic to peanuts, just shoving some peanuts in their face. No, it's not like that. It's like asking them out. And then think about this move. Okay. You ask her out.

She says, yes, you're on a date. Get married, have kids. It's wonderful. You ask her out. She has a boyfriend. Yeah, later. No. You ask her out.

She says, I got a boyfriend. You look her dead in the eye and you say, the question stands. Oh my God. That is kind of badass. How smooth would that be? That is pretty awesome. You won't sell it. No, no, no.

I'm not reading your question. You're not. Yeah, it's not going to work for you. And then she'll be like, okay. And you'll be like, oh, I can't. I can't be party to cheating. And then you walk away. How's your double power play?

Oh, you just convinced her to sin and then through the sin back in her face. That move is going to be so alone tonight, but it's a moral victory. The move is going to be so dope. You're going to need a hype man to like walk behind you. Like, what, what, what? Have you guys ever, have you guys ever been in a conversation with a member of the opposite sex and they will work into the conversation that they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

I guess if you were a girl and and like, you know that they're saying that. So you won't ask them out, but you weren't that interested in the first place. Yeah. You guys ever had that? I love that. But then I get, I get affronted at that point. It's like, I was going to, but now I can't. Well, now I'm just mad.

And then I ask them how I'm like, uh, so do you want to get coffee? And like, I just mentioned I had a boyfriend. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that. I get that. So you like a movie or dinner. Do you know what is fucking horse apples? Do you know what is fucking horse apples is that we had to deal with that shit?

Like me probably all the way up through high school. But now that Facebook's up and it's like, you know who is fucking who and who's kissing and who's neck and who's smooching. Like there's not a questioning that it's so unambiguous. Everybody knows what is up with everybody else's unless unless it's complicated. We've already talked about that before. That just means that they're, they're, they're still fucking, but they want that drama. They love that drama.

Yeah. Everybody knows what everybody else is doing. This is not a problem anymore. I think this guy's telling tales. Okay. So you think get on Facebook, check her status. Yeah. Here's an easy way to do it.

Get on Facebook and check the part where it says whether or not she's dating anybody. And if it says she doesn't, then you ask her out and she says she is. And so you should be like, well, you should update your Facebook better and you turn and you walk away. And I'm going to throw this out. If you don't know if she has a boyfriend or not, which is like a pretty serious thing, you don't know her well enough to say that you like her. Well, I don't think that's true.

Uh, I do. It only takes a moment. Yeah, maybe he fell in love with us. But I think it's the parliament. If, if he said, uh, a girl I'm attracted to, but not a girl that he likes. Like he doesn't know, he's not into her. He's attracted to her. This bitch can't get on Facebook and you think that you're going to fix his vocab?

Like come on, cut him some slack. He's trying to get his shit together. Fair enough. Hey, listen, I'm sorry, confuzzled. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry things got heated in here. Just get on Facebook, tweet at her, tweet at her and find out her status or Twitter status. Get on Facebook, look at every picture of her that's ever been taken and look for

fucking common dudes, like a dude who, a repeated dude. Like, oh, that dude's in a lot of pictures. They're, they're probably, which is also my favorite Mathematic principle. Yeah. The lowest common dude, they're repeating dude. Yeah. Uh, you know, you can also say, Hey, my girlfriend and I want to know if you and

your boyfriend want to go on a double date. And that's what she says. You don't have a boyfriend say I made mine up too. Let's go out. So much in common. This is, I'm going to go. My girlfriend and I want to know if you want to come to a couple's ministry with me and her cause she's real and you and your boyfriend.

Oh, and then it becomes an Adam Sandler movie. Yeah. Then you have to pay somebody, but you already own a whore, right Travis? Yep. What's a perfect. Well, I'm still paying it off. Yeah. Right.

Hey, I'm, I'm a senior in college and this semester I've napped one of the much coveted single rooms. Issue is this is my first time in my life. I've ever lived alone. Yeah. I'm five days in and I can already feel my mental health slipping away. Any tips on surviving the lonely time since from Nick. I've got a great tip.

Go find a roommate before you hang yourself. I've never tried this. I don't know how well I would adjust to it. I, this is not a joke. I did it for about three months and it was so miserable that I, one of my friends moved in with me. I did it for about three months and lost my mind. It sucks.

To the point where I was just walking around talking to myself out loud all the time. Your best bet is going to be, and like I have some experience with this. I don't live alone, but like I work at my house and pretty much all my, you know, day to day is like here. I find that you got to get out as much as humanly possible. Like go to Starbucks. Don't sit at home and watch a movie. Go to the theater.

Just be around people. But my folly, I mean, we're not reinventing the wheel here. You ever see old men by themselves and they look happy? No. They don't. They're alone. They're lonely. Like when you live alone, you get lonely.

That's sort of like an irrefutable word there. Yep. Yeah, right. I feel that living alone is like one of those that like, for me, it's like going to the pool where it seems like such a good idea. And then you do it and like five minutes in, you're like, oh yeah, this is boring. Oh, I don't know why I was so excited about this in the first place.

Quick anecdote. Have you guys ever gone to the pool by yourself? It is, it is super hard to do that and not feel like a total pedophile. Oh yeah. I think if you're alone at a pool, I think people are looking at you like, oh, that's a, there's a pedophile confirmed. You know, I feel the same way about going to magic quest by myself. Well, yeah.

That probably is a little more uh, uh, sustainable. I think that's a supportable theory there. Here's the point. Um, here's, this was my folly is that by going out, by leaving your house, um, a good substitution for that is not going out into the magical world of Azeroth to go on quests and online adventures with your, with your e-buddies. That is not a good substitute. Do you know what that was?

Not a good substitution, not a good supplement for the real deal. Right. So don't do that. This is key. Don't do that. Don't lose yourself in the world of computer games. You got to leave the house. You got to take up a hobby.

You got to find a roommate. Go quick. Yep. Quick before the semester is, it gets too deep in. Stop, and be careful. What happened to me in that three months I lived by myself is I was constantly contacting everyone I knew, but like, do you guys want to come over? I could come over there, we could go grab some pizza, get a beer or whatever.

I got some really cool records. I burned out everyone. Do you want to come hear them? Just come sit with me, please. Just sit here, be another living person in the same 10 feet square as me, please. Travis, are you trying to hold my hand right now? When you guys are done swimming, you kids want to come by. I got some like cheese balls.

We could watch a movie or whatever. See what's on TBS. Got some Code Red Mountain Dew. Just see what happens. Get some Mountain Dew ingredient. Just make your own. It's not a big deal. You know what you should do actually?

What? Just get super lonely this year. Don't let it always seem to go. That you don't know what you got till it's gone. Here's the problem. The only problem is that it's your senior year at college and you're supposed to be making memories and stuff, doing all that shit. So it's unfortunate that these two stars have aligned in this manner,

but you got to have a lonely year. I think we all have a lonely year. And that lonely year is so important to your formation as a human being, as a man. Do you know who I bet has a lot of strong memories? Who's that? Tom Hanks character in Castaway. Yeah, sure. Tom Hanks character in Castaway knows exactly who Tom Hanks character in Castaway is,

even though we cannot recall his name. It's Wilson. Yeah. Yes, Wilson and Wilson Jr., I think, but the two main characters of that movie. Beard. God, that movie would have been so much better if he thought the volleyball was his son. Is it too early to do a remake of that movie? Nope.

Where he thinks that this is his son starting Jonah Hill. How does she convince me to come to this movie? Terrible. Fuck. Oh, get lonely, Nick. Really live in it. Just live in that loneliness. It'll get back.

Wallo. Just wallo. Have a lonely year. Have a lonely year, even though both of my brothers just said they managed the last three months. You got to push yourself. Push yourself to the brink. Do as we do, not as we something. I don't know.

Yeah, something along those lines. Griffin. I have a yahoo for us. Who better? This one is sent by Alex Tegler. It's by Alex Hansen. Oh, thank you, Alex. It's by Alex Hansen's user, Cress, who asks,

is it okay for guys to skinny dip together? My friends and I are about to go swim and we were curious if it was weird if we all went skinny dipping. It's from four weeks ago, so hopefully they found the answer. I'll tell you what's weirder is like having a discussion. Like, so you guys ready to skinny dip or what? And one person going, well, let's ask the internet first. That's what's not okay. Okay, if you're a bunch of gay friends and you want to just go feast your eyes on some

man candy and like you're young, all fit, virile, like I say go for it. Oh, fuck. That sounds pretty great. That's not the question. Of course, that's okay. What are you even doing on the internet? Like just go for it. They're going to leave.

They're all piled into one car and it smells amazing. Like they're all going to the skinny dip. What is that smell? I don't think you pile into the car naked and arrive naked and get in the water naked and get out of the water naked and get back in the car naked and drive home naked. You guys want to go skinny driving? All the world's most tasteful colognes and just that smell melding into like one gay ambrosia.

Like, yeah, I think you should probably get off Yahoo! Can we answer this and go, can we say man, manbrosia? Manbrosia. But like, okay, if you're, I'm assuming by okay, this writer, this question asker, does not mean is it cool for me and all my other gay male friends to have a crazy bacchanal? This question is almost a little offensive because he's asking if it fits into the sort of the heterosexual social norms. Is it okay?

It doesn't fit into any social norms. Is it okay for a bunch of heterosexual friends to get naked and get in a lake together? And the answer is yes, yes, a thousand times yes. This is my question because I might be missing something here. I'm under the impression that skinny dipping serves two and only two purposes. One is nobody has a swimsuit, but we all want to swim. Right? Second is we want it to lead to some sexy times.

Is that it? I mean, this is the, this is the thing about, no, I think it has to do with perspective. I think if you're a woman, then you skinny dip because it's something wild. Like you're living this Natasha Bedingfield song. Like you are, you know what I mean? Like you're, but for guys, when guys skinny dip, it is so they can see some juggums. That's right. Like that's just how guys, that's how the sexes are different.

I think like no guy gets in a pool naked with a bunch of other friends. Like this is so wild. I can't believe we're doing this. Yeah. No. The balls are out and everything. Justin Travis, there is no freedom more free than just feeling cool, cool, like water right on your whatchamacallit, like right on it, like no mesh.

I'm willing to bet that out of these, what, 13 guys, like they said, Hey, we're going to go swimming. And like, well, let's say 12 of them were cool. And then the other one was like, I don't know that I want my zag nuts out. And when I show them off to everybody, right on my mouth, right on my mouth. Check the internet. Yeah.

Hey, do you have any answers? Yeah, the best answer as chosen by voters. Stealth answers are hard, who says it would be weird if you have never been skinny dipping with mates at some point in your lifetime. It's a pretty normal life experience. So there you go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So he's saying if you are a novice at it, if you don't know how to do it right,

it could be weird. I don't know. I don't think that's what he's saying. I think he's saying if you've never had interest in a nude moonlight swim with your bros with 15 year closest bros. By the way, I don't think it's that many bros because once you get that many bros agreeing on something, it is like it's a lifestyle. Once you get 15 bros on the room, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now you're living in some kind of weird cult compound thing. Let's do it. Yeah. Don't ever tell. Yeah. It's a decision that you've made and not like just three bros like, oh man, let's get in the water. You know what I mean?

I think it's a harmless thing. I think that you got to, I think you got to get some moonlight and you got to get some cool, cool egg water and maybe a duck will swim by. You'll be like, hey, duck, I'm naked. Don't ever tell. Don't ever tell. Don't ever tell. I'll get you, duck.

Duck, I swear if you breathe a word of it, I will find you. Duck, don't ever tell. Don't bite my, it's down there. Don't bite my thing. Don't bite my down there zone. We run a nice kick for naming our dick after candy bars. Is there any other? Don't nibble on my fifth avenue down there.

Hey baby, are you ready to take five? Oh, your name is Henry. You might I say just, oh Henry. Oh man. Oh my. Oh Hank. Hey, I want to hear Griffin's life. Toblerone.

Yeah. This is my baby roof. It looks a funky, but it feels fine. This is my chocolate boner. This is my Twix. I've got two of them. Don't tell, ducks. They, you're gonna actually get chocolate boners in the adults

only section of Honeydukes. A lot of people don't know that. It's behind a magical curtain. We'll take the lot, even the, even the charlotte boners. I don't know if that's. Is it weird for me and my 12 friends to sit in a circle in each chocolate boner as we're always staring at each other? That's fine.

Don't worry about it. I want to hear Griffin's last question. First quick housekeeping things. This is my brother, my brother and me. mbmbam.com is our website. You can go there to find all the different ways to ask those questions. You can email us mbmbam at maximumfund.org.

Don't forget if you wanted to personal message or a business message or something, go to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron. And if you want to write about the super robot, you go to maximumfund.org slash gumbotron. Thank you, Travis. That's not real. We also, you know, we want to do,

we've, I really, really, really want to do like a dating ad for somebody. So bad. So, so bad. I know. Please, please, please get in touch with us so that we can do that on the jumbotron. Please, I need to.

And that's not a corporate thing. That's a, that's a personal message for a hundred, hundred dollars and you'll have a girlfriend. I guarantee the love of your life. I really also want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of the theme song for our show. It's a departure off the album,

Putting the Days to Bed, which I bought again today. Thank you so much for all of our Twitter friends that, that a tweet about the show with the mbmbam hashtag. Thank you to Harley Grant, little froggies, a Marybeth, Jeff Bergkamp, everybody on the Parsipzilla, also I'm Mariko, Joanna Eleven, everybody. Thank you so much.

And a special thank you to Tracy V. Wilson, who Griffin and I met at PAX, PAX, PAX. And also there's been a lot of activity on the mbmbam wiki thing. And I want to appreciate, I want to say I appreciate everybody who's added stuff to that, so new people can reference stuff.

But I want to throw out real quick, my favorite sentence in the entire thing is, I asked people to add some stuff to my profile and my favorite sentences. For as long as he can remember, Chavis has been played by Albert Brooks. And it makes me so incredibly happy. Hey, thank you to Kieran D for getting that going again.

And if you want to hop on there and add to that, we would love that. How the fuck are we not on Wikipedia proper yet? Like our wiki's great and I love it. But why are we not on Wikipedia yet? Does anybody know that the owner of Wikipedia? We actually, we had a page once we got deleted. Did we really?

Yeah. What a stern webmaster that site had. We're not, then we had a page on wiki leaks and then it was like a huge thing. Oh, they leaked our documents. Yeah, leaked all of our documents. They revealed what the secret beeped word was. Isn't that what I was saying?

So thank you. Keep tweeting. When you tell people about the show, please include a link to our sampler. It's bit.ly. It's movin' bam. That's the best way to get people involved. Griffin, you know what I need.

It's the final Yahoo answer. It was sent by Jacob Blocker. Thank you, Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Tom's Daughter, who asks, Apart from the well-known book, Ghost Cats, Human Encounters with Feline Spirits by Dusty Rainbow, what other evidence is there for the existence

of an afterlife for cats? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Dusty Rainbow. My brother, my brother, mate. Who's your dad? Overwear on the lips. Keep your heart, three stacks.

Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.