My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 71: Swaddling

Episode Date: September 12, 2011

We come to a consensus pretty late in this week's episode that it is, against all odds, our yuckiest hour of programming to date. We suggest listening to it in a warm bath, so's all the yuckiness from our mouth-words washes off instantantly. Suggested talking points: Hug Your Hound, Zune of Love, BBFFE, Bonejockeys, Doctor Llama, Babypolice, Wyngz, Roommate Date, What a Love, The Road, Destineeeeeeeee, Superman

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, we are recording this on September 11th, 2011, which is, of course, 10 years after the tragic terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. In times of strife, we look to some of our generation's wisest men. You, you work all night, and when you work, you don't feel all right.

And when things stop feeling all right, and everything is all right, we will never- I'm gonna stop right here. It sounds like you're suggesting that people have a 9-11 party. No, I'm not saying people need to have a 9-11 theme party. What I'm saying is, in the face of opposition, in the face of tragedy, in the face of suffering, we get a party going. Now it's time to party, and we'll party hard. Let's get a party going, let's get a party going. When it's time to party, we will always party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard. Let's do a show. This is my brother, my brother, me in a vice show for the modern era,

undaunted by terrorism. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I am Griffin McElroy. You know, it's a shame. What? Yeah. It's a real shame. Yeah. We just talked about it. But also, I'm looking at the observances, because we forgot to do them last week, and spoiler alert, we're gonna do them later this show, but I'm looking at the daily observances. And September 11th has Patriot Day and Remembrance Day, which makes sense. September 11th is how? Depending on your political affiliation, presumably. September 11th is also National Hug Your Hound Day, and I feel like people, I feel like that, I feel like there's a lot of unhugged hounds out there. I feel like they get lost in the shuffle.

Yes. Is it also called 9-11 Day? Am I making that up? No, I think Patriot Day is. Wait, hold on, hold on. I feel like I've heard it called 9-11 Day. Are you suggesting to me that September 11th is also colloquially or officially referred to as 9-11 Day? This might only be at my local supermarket, where they're offering 50% off American flags. Still doing it, huh? Mm-hmm. Still doing that thing. And you know what, I think what I hate most about 9-11 Day is how commercial it's become. Yeah. You really used to, it's just run by the greeting card and tiny American flag companies. Here's a fun fact. This is one of those crazy years where September 11th is also National Grandparents Day. It's the

first Sunday of your Labor Day that's today. It's September 11th, and I feel like hounds and grandparents are going to be underappreciated on this most faithful day. I think that's probably, I would say, you know what, take your time, think about the people we lost on that day, and go hug your grandpa. Or go hug your grandpa's dog. Peepums, I love you. I love you, Peepums, but my mind is in other places. It's elsewhere. Baxter, which is the name of my hound. I am also sorry to you, but I just don't have the bandwidth. People are listening to this on September 12th, and in a way, I feel like it's, we're just, they try to cauterize today, expurgation of pity and fear, just get it all out,

and then today we're like reopening it, like we're digging around in there. Well, guess what? And now they feel bad because they didn't hug a dog. Good news, Tomorrow People. It's the National Boss Employee Exchange Day. Can we take a moment to talk about the show Tomorrow People? Yeah. The Tomorrow People, today is National Tomorrow People Remembrance Day, where you can remember that that was a pretty good show. God, it was a wicked show. It was a good show. This is, our show is, is neither a September 11th Memorial

or a show about futuristic teens that can travel through time and space. It's an advice show for the modern era, and let's get into our first question. I've started seeing this guy. I like him a lot, and everything's going well, but it's only been about two weeks, so it isn't very serious yet. His birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I'm not sure what the expectation of me is this early in our relationship. Do I buy him a gift, take him out to dinner, and bake him a cake? I'm still in school, so my budget is limited, and I don't want to freak him out with something overly extravagant.

What's an appropriate birthday experience for a relationship of not even a month, my barely boyfriend's birthday? First off, I'm going to have to put the blame on you for starting dating him at such a terrible time. Yeah, don't start dating someone two weeks before their birthday, or two weeks before Valentine's Day, or two weeks before Patriot Day. Yeah, it's a mistake. Christmas is the worst, because then there's all these expectations of like, are you going to come over and like, chill with my fam, my peeps? Then you have to worry about getting their family presents. It's a little sticky morass.

I've had exactly 14 minutes of contact with you, so I got you a walk in the clouds on DVD. I think that don't take him to dinner, because he's probably already got other plans. Get him a gift. That's a cool bet. Well, you don't think he's going to do like a party of his friends when I take him to drinks, and if he blows off his friends to go out to dinner with his two-week girlfriend? How was your birthday, Martin? It was okay. I'm super hungry. I am just the most hungry, because all my friends thought that the other friends were going to take me to Applebee's. Pretty cool birthday. I stayed in, and I heated up a Marie calendar,

stuffing and chicken and gravy in my stove, and I ate it, and I watched like half of Miss Congeniality 2. To be fair, a Marie calendar pot party is good at any time. Except when it's your birthday, and you're awake. Except when it's your birthday, and you put a candle in it, and you cry. I think, okay, let's set a price point of gift. What's the most you should spend on a two-week boyfriend? 30. You think 30? Yeah. 30 is too much. 20. 30 is too much?

Yeah, I would say a new release DVD, nothing more than that. This is awkward, Travis, because you've just outed the fact that I am rolling in so much mad scrella, and you've got some, you're working with table scraps. Listen, it ain't about your budget. It's about the statement you're making with the president. It ain't entirely about your budget. No, if you go and buy a really nice present that they're not expecting, well, no way. I take that back, because it's different, because you're not exchanging presents. If you are a rich dude, and you spend more on your free-range toilet paper,

than your gift for your two-week girlfriend, you are actual. It's torture-free. Torture-free toilet paper. Torture-free T.P. I'm going to say, spend a lot of money, set a precedent. If you've set a precedent and spend a lot of money, then next time it's his turn to give you a present, you've set the precedent that you get each other awesome things.

Oh, man, that would be terrible. No way it wouldn't. Honey, I got you this Zoom HD for Easter. Holy shit, it's Easter. I just need some cab baria, so you wouldn't bust it out of your Zoom HD. You're the best. That's one thing. This is an awesome idea. So go nice, do something awesome. Yeah, go like really good.

I don't think anybody feels like, okay, listen. What's your worry? The worry is that if you have to split up, it'll be weird. Is that the thing? I think our worry is that she's going to give him something too awesome, and he's going to realize she likes him a lot. Really, that's what it is. Oh, fuck it.

Just throw your hat over the fence, go buy him a Zoom HD. Yeah, dude. Draw a line in the sand and say, this is for serious. Hey, I bought you this discontinued touchpad. Ooh, it was $100. That's good because that says nice gift, but hey, I'm budget conscious. You know? I'm all about charging forward as fast and recklessly as you possibly can.

Sure. Buy him a house. Yeah. Buy him a house on DVD. That's good stuff. Hey, I'm really friendly, and I like to make lots of different friends. I consider a lot of people my BFF. Well, that's a logical fallacy, but my mom says that it is not possible

for me to have so many BFFs. How many can I have without being excessive? And that's from your BFF, Sarah. Two. What? That's how many you can have when you're trying to get excessive. BFF is best. That's a superlative.

Best friend forever. You can literally, literally only have one BFF because even if you had a BF that you would eventually fall out with, you could replace another BF at some point in your life. This is your BFF. On the last. You're saying the best, the forever part is what is. If you declare someone your BFF, you are cryolocked. Locked in.

I think what I do to get around that, the loophole I use is to qualify everything and say, this is my best Cincinnati friend. This is my best Huntington friend. This is my best friend since second grade. And I'll tell you, as someone who's been on the receiving end of one of those compliments, they, they go down real smooth. Oh, no, it ain't about them. It's about me.

Just making myself feel better. What were you? I was your favorite brother in Huntington. Okay. This person is talking about geographically locating these friends. They're just, they're, can they have more BFFs? I'm going to throw this out. They literally can't.

I think the problem is that it's something we've talked about before and that we throw out words without really thinking about what they mean. And it's probably that you like these people, that they are your friends, but are they your, your best friend? Like that seems like a stronger commitment than, than you're really making here. Like people that say, I love my friends. I love that guy. I love this person.

And you're not thinking about what love means. I think that your best friend is a very special, like upper echelon thing that you should save for someone that's really important to you. What I have done as, as I grow older is I have sort of moved the goalposts back a little bit. Um, in that I, I don't have that many friends. I have, I have many social acquaintances. I have, I have peers and cohorts and contemporaries, but I don't have, uh, I've got like maybe five or six friends.

And then when it comes to like best friends, I mean, man, if I had to pick, that'd be tough. I don't even think I'm old enough for that kind of commitment. No, it's a huge commitment. You gotta live in the world for at least 30 years before you know what's up. Yeah, just get less friends. Everybody I think is the trick. I just, you can't, I don't care how many friends people have. I don't care about telling people you love them even.

I would rather someone get divorced and make those vows and then break them than to have the English language just sort of bandied about like a, like a play thing. If you say someone's your best friend forever, you can never have another best friend and you can never like someone like the use of the word forever supersedes any sort of future relationships that you might have. That's forever. And why can't people just be your friend? Like who's sitting there going, oh, so I'm just your friend, not your best friend?

I see how it is. And you can't, you're not going to be my best friend in two infinity? Oh, okay, fine, whatever. So if I loan you any DVDs again. Justin, I'm interested in another thing you just said about BFFs being stronger than a matrimonial bond. Is there, is there any way that we can incorporate that into the terminology of marriage? For instance, would you consider Sydney to be your best wife forever?

Yes. Well, Sydney's also my BFF. I made that commitment. I bought her a second BFF ring that she wears. Well, when you put them together, it spells best friends forever and you have half of the heart and she has half of the heart. Exactly, yes. You should marry your BFF.

That's why I'm saying don't throw these words around. Like they don't mean anything. They do. I think you should be forced to marry your BFF whether it is your partner or your friend. Oh man, that should be a ceremony with a priest and like you get a license and everything. So like at age 13, you're like, oh, Michael, you are my BFF. And then like 20 years later, it's like, I got married, Michael. Yep.

He's a bro and I'm a bro and I'm not down. But like, sorry. But then, but then the nice thing is you get all of the wedding presents. And you know, you have a really nice reception. Sure. And you know what? Maybe Michael is the one. Yeah, maybe that's what you learned.

Maybe that's what you learned about yourself. Everybody's best friend is Jesus. That's what I'm saying to you is your best friend forever is Jesus. The only reason you should say someone is your BFF is if you are trying to show off. Like if you say, like, I don't think BFF is something I would say to make that person feel special, but I would tell it to somebody else to make myself feel good. Like, oh, hero pilot, Sully Sullenberg, he is my BFF. And they would think.

Oh, John Stamos. John Stamos. He's my BFF. He's my bestest best friend forever ever. Yes. He's my BBFF. E. I love John Stamos so much. Hey, do you guys want a Yahoo?

Yes, always. This one was sent in by this one. This one was sent in by Jesse Thorn. Thank you, Jesse. It's by Yahoo Answers User, miserable little smug bastard. Oh, oh my. Who asks? Ladies.

Already winning. Ladies, if someone paid you $300,000 or pounds to sit on a real human skull, would you sit on it? What? Would you cross your legs if you did? Do we get an extra $300,000? I have actually asked this question before. Sincerely, Skeletor. Love Jack Skellington.

So many questions. First off, ladies, if you pick the $300,000 above the 300,000 pounds, then you are a rube. Yeah, I was going to say conversion rate. I think maybe that's it. It's like a deal or no deal thing. Like you could take the $300,000 or 600,000 if you cross your legs while you do it. Or you can get it in pounds and have to spend 10 minutes getting it converted to bank. Yeah, but that's an awkward story to tell the cashier.

Hey, how'd you get these 600,000 pounds? I sat on a real human skull. These smell like calcium and tape. Are you one of those bone jockeys? Are you a bone jockey? You're people sicken me. Hey, Carl, we got another one. Look at this one.

She sat on a human skull. She got boned. She got boned. And then they all chuckle. Chuckle. There are so many questions. God damn it. Is this skull inside of skin and muscles of living human being?

Is it a last request kind of thing? Is this how someone wants to get buried? Is what I'm saying. Is this a divo video? Are we talking about a divo? Is this a divo right now? Are you pulling a divo on us? How much?

A bloody divo? Why does the price point start out at $300,000? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you haggle up? I just noticed in the related questions on the sidebar, this question by a miserable little smug bastard. Ladies, if someone paid you $100,000 or pounds to sit on a real human skull, would you do it? He's driving a hard bargain if you're thinking about this question.

What do I have to say to get you on this skull before you leave today? If you get offended by this question, then ignore it. Would you cross your legs? If you did, you would get extra. It would be the skull of a serial killer. You laughed that out when you brought it to $300,000. Who? He's trying to, he's driving a deal.

He's trying to make this happen. Griffin, what is this user name again? A miserable little smug bastard. Okay. Miserable little smug bastard. He's like, he's been negotiating this. He's, for all his foibles, he's a pretty smart negotiator. He started low and made a serial killer skull.

He's like, he's like Ron Popeal. Like, okay, I'll take out. It's no longer a serial killer skull, just a regular skull. Just a real human skull. And also this set of chamois. Yeah. I will throw in a solid flavor injector. Oh God.

Would you slap chop a real human skull for, I'm going to bump it up to $400,000. You do have to sit on it before, but afterwards you'll slap chop it in the non-existence. It'll just be dust. I will sit on two horse skulls for $50,000. You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is one of those circumstances where I would rather that this were not a hypothetical question. Because if he had some purpose behind this, for some reason that makes it okay, then him just sitting around wondering.

Travis, the amount of work that he has put into negotiating, just yelling into the internet, it has to have been resolved, right? It has to have happened. It has to have. It has to have happened by now. Do you realize how much money, $300,000? What would I not do for $300,000 or pounds? Because sit on a real human skull?

Yes. It ain't on that list. Yeah, I would make this skull. I would. Nice and waiting. I would turn the person into a skull is what I'm saying. I'm such a fucking sucker though because that first time around when he's like a hundo K, I would have jumped at it.

You would have taken it. I wouldn't even thought to hold off. You got to check the trade magazines. What's it going right right now? For a, you know, I actually got a group on for sitting on a human skull. Yeah, a bunch of my friends and I are going to do it for $50,000. The problem is the same skull? Yeah, it's the same skull.

So there's always a huge line. You really got to. And after a while, you know, it gets warm. That skull is pretty rowdy. The thing is, is he doesn't even clarify and say like you have to be nude or it has to be set. He just wants you to sit on it, cross your legs and get off and leave. Can we, let's talk about the crossing the legs thing. Is he wanting us to incubate this skull?

Like a, like a, like a mama bird? Keep it secret. Keep it safe. You get $300,000. But he doesn't say naked. So what he's saying is just sit on, just. You just roll up in your mom jeans, sit on it. Sit on it.

Get off, leave, get out of here. Get your money. I need to know, can a human skull support the weight? Fuck no, it takes like 14 pounds of pressure to, we are, we are just skeletons with like big egg on top of our necks. So it's just a big egg in there. It's just a big, it's just like a big stupid egg in there. And it's, if a human being, if it was like a tiny, if it was a baby, maybe, but.

Oh, maybe he's doing that. Like age old, uh, like seventh grade science experiment where you have to like, uh, build a bridge to like save an egg, you know what I mean? And like, you have to walk across it and see if it was there. There were so much goddamn dumb stuff in that sentence. You just said it takes us a week to tear it apart. It was, it was the seven layer bar of dumb shit. You know, an egg bridge.

You know, egg bridge. I saw it on, uh, uh, Mr. Wizard. Five different science projects. How I was like, you know, an egg bridge and then an egg bridge, taking soda on it and, uh, and then it's a volcano. It's a volcano. I'll never forget the events of September 11th, 2001, when a volcano bridge burned down an egg. Jimmy, your book report sucks.

A book report? What book is he? You're put, Jimmy, your book report on the 9-11 commission is the worst. You, did you even read it? You didn't, did you? I, I did not. Myth and legend. That's, that's, you know, that in like a hundred years, myth and legend.

That's all. There will be no excellent records. It'll be so open to interpretation. I've seen enough futuristic movies to know. Oh, God damn it. Let's stop talking about sitting on skulls, because it's make, it's literally making my, my grundle uncomfortable. Like just the thought of trying to perch,

perch myself on a cranium. I don't think it would feel good. No, I wouldn't think so. But you know, you know, it would feel great. I could buy myself a new grundle with 300k. A 300 pounds. Jesus Christ. This guy, this fucking guy.

Do you think he's normal in his day to day? You think it's gonna be really nice and well respected? Do you think it's Tom Hanks? Oh, could it, wouldn't you believe it if somebody was like, yeah, he's a great actor and like, he's a real sweetheart. He's got this one thing. My wife and I have a four month old son, who will soon be celebrating his first Halloween.

And we are at a disagreement as to what kind of costume our child should wear. My wife wants him to be dressed as an animal, such as a turkey, a skunk, or a monkey. I would prefer to dress him as something cool and nerdy. This is where I need your sagely advice. Can you give me some cool and nerdy costume ideas with which to put this argument to rest? And that's from Kevin.

I got a cool nerdy one. Do a genetic hybrid of all three of those animals. Go, go as a most skirky. This is my son, Skyler. He stresses the most skirky. Justin, that is a, I almost made a furry joke and I didn't. Would you say, are you happy with the level of restraint that I have adopted since I started doing this show?

Yeah, we made a 9-11 joke 30 seconds ago. We won't make a furry gag. How is that? You're welcome. How's your sensitivity? Not good. I'd sit on a most skirky scarf. Your son is going to be, let's see,

if he's four months old now, he'll be like six months at Halloween. I think he's going to need to go his ash from Evil Den. That would be good. A little fake wig. What about a zygote? Who could get a real kick out of that? How would we do that? You could do a combination costume with the mom

and do the alien popping out of the stomach from the alien. You guys are not thinking like problem solvers right now. What you got to do is you got to have some, a nerdy, cool costume that is also an animal. And the answer is Bucky O'Hare. Oh yeah, Bucky O'Hare. I love it. You got to wrap it in there.

But he's also got a space gun. Are there any other cool nerdy? You could go as the cat from Red Dwarf. Yeah. There's one, cool nerdy animal. A ninja turtle. You could go as a biker mouse from Mars. Loving it.

You could go as a llama, but also it's Doctor Who. Okay, so hold on. Let's explore this. Is this a, is this a time king, a time king? Yes, it's a time king llama. Time king is a lot, no, no. A regeneration, okay, Doctor Who. Okay, so like Matt Smith, Doctor Who dies.

He was a llama. He, the only nearby, he funnels the regeneration energy into the llama to try to cast it off, and it becomes a time lord llama, and you dress your baby like that. Does the llama speak English? Well, if it's near enough to the TARDIS, of course. Okay, great.

And translate all languages. Does it remain on two legs, or does it like, or does it become like a four? Are we talking about a jump cool? Does it need to, well it depends on how much ground it needs to cover. If it needs to cover ground quickly, it will run on all four legs. I hope someone somewhere at BBC is listening to this,

because we've just figured out the next series. Yeah, I've always thought that that show needed a little extra spice. That's a llama. Yeah, time king llama. So that spice is apparently a desert pack of mule. Yeah, I think it would go great. Here's a fun suggestion.

I think it's fun for the whole family. Dress your kid like a doggy, and then put it in a cage, and then leave it home, and go get drunk. What party for Halloween? The spirits are out tonight. Me and mom, go in now, and you're gonna be all right, and your cage will remain for you. Just throw some candy in there, it'll be fine.

Put some candy in the clothes, hang a cage that we made for you. You just re-bend them. You just bend them in the bars. Babies aren't strong. It won't take long. Just go and get drunk with mom. You guys deserve it. You've earned an item.

It's 10 p.m. Do you know where your baby is? Yes, in a cage. He's in the baby dog. It's okay. He's like you dress up like a dog. He's a baby dog. That makes it better.

Do you know the kind of reputable harm you've done to your relationship by arguing about costumes? You've got to get on a retreat, and by retreat, I mean go to Shaky's and get you drunk. Make sure you take lots of pictures of that too, so that when your kid turns 18 and kills everyone he knows, you're gonna show those pictures to the news. Just throw some alpo in the cage, and go get your drunk.

Get that drunk. Mr. Siemensen, I'm sorry I'm placing you in arrest. Your son was locked in a cage unsupervised. What the fuck? That's a dog. That's a dog. That is actually your child and a dog. Well, color me embarrassed, officer.

Look at his nose. I have painted it brown like a dog's nose is brown. Officer, you are terrible at improv games. I, yeah, you're supposed to say yes. And we buy it. Yes, and. Yes, and my baby's a dog in the cage. Yes, and do you want some of this beer?

I have extra because we have so much in us. Do you want a brusky, and we'll forget about this, and also forget about the kid. He's fine for another hour or so. Let's go play some foosball. Let's go play. Let's go foos it up, copper. And then it turns out that the cop is a baby dressed as a cop.

He's sapted. Baby police, you just got busted by the highest authority in the land. Baby police. Baby police is the highest authority in the land. Sentient baby. We are under baby martial law. It's adorable and also restrictive.

This is a baby police state. Off TV as well. Watch Nick Jr. All things will go boring when you hit them. The cow says, move, you say nothing. Oh, fuck. I snap my fingers. You pull out a tit.

This is baby law. We're out of things now. You know, I would watch a legal drama called Baby's Law, where it's just about baby lawyer. Baby law and baby order? Yeah. No, if we don't need. If there's, okay, if there's baby martial law,

baby order doesn't have any place in it. How about baby chaos? Baby chaos, that, you know, you mean baby arky. Baby arky. Baby arky, yes, thank you. Baby arky, yeah. Um, babies don't grow up to be adults, because this is what you do.

You think about baby anarchy. Mm-hmm. And, um. Which is adorable and terrifying at the same time. Hey, but I, can we, can we, I want to take a brief hiatus here to tell you about the text. Oh, yeah. That I just got from my father, our father.

I see what I. Did you guys get that? Me too, yes. Okay, so he just sent a text that says in quotes, what day is it, son? What day? What could that, is that a reference to the hit film We Are a Martial?

I think it is. It has to be. Oh, but it's. I think there's a small sale on his football day or something. No, listen, listen, let's explain this, because people are going to think our dad is like some sort of crazy 9-11 guy. I don't think he knows it's 9-11.

I think the three of us should probably text him. I'm texting right now and I'm asking him if he means September 11. Okay, hold on, let's all take a moment. We need to text him back because I don't want our dad, like, walking through the day. What? Like, he's bringing his step. It's game day.

It's still going on. Hey, everybody, are you excited? Okay, um, my message is sent. I look, I've been looking forward to the day for so long. Yeah. It seems like it's been 10 years since this last happened, which I mean football. I love, I love football, getting the points, scoring points.

I get all the points. Should we even address the fact that we are in a family football pool? It seems like such a ridiculous. Oh my God, no one will believe it. If someone can give us some advice on what teams are going to win each. I'm actually, do you know, do you know how I picked, do you know how I picked my teams? This is how I picked the winner.

I read them out loud to Teresa and said, which city do you like better? Oh yeah. Like that was my method. Now, if I win, God bless it. It'll be awesome. To the dog track. Yeah.

I think that the three of us should have some sort of, uh, on air agreement to, uh, the, the, the winner should have to do something. The loser should have to. Okay. Here's what it is. Put some skin in the game because I feel like this is, this is a kind of low pressure situation. The last one to forget that we're doing it and stop picking teams,

um, is the winner. Whoever hangs in there the longest and continues to make their picks unabated. I think that that, I think that would be good. I failed on that in previous years. And I think that I'm going to hang in there this year. I think that this is the year I stick with it. I've already, I've already told myself, I'm going to watch every single Packers game and it's going to be trying.

It's going to be difficult. You guys, I will watch at least one football game that's not the Super Bowl. Can we all, I feel like we joke about not watching sports a lot. And I think it's time we reverse it, our position. We joke about how much we love sports. We joke about how much we love sports, but we, but we don't know. Do we actually have to watch sports? Yeah.

I think we should watch more sports is what I'm saying. Okay. Here's what it is. Um, somebody on Twitter after listening to the show, tell me what team I should follow and why and I'll do it. That's how committed I am to this. You bring it, I'll do it. I don't care.

You should follow the Reds. We'll think about, I follow the Reds. You should also follow the bingles maybe. Cause you will say. Who day? We'll let Twitter pick. Just make sure when you're telling Travis what team he should, uh, follow, uh, use that NBNBM hashtag and go ahead and put a link out to our sampler.

pit.ly.y4-swimmbam. People love it. People go crazy for it. Hey, uh, what I'm doing right now is shilling. And, uh, like Kurt shilling, popular sports star who I enjoy, uh, still pitching. See Griffin sports. He, I'm pretty sure does not pitch anymore. Does he, uh, I don't think he pitched ever.

I hear is what, uh, there are spots from Clint. Okay. Well, I was going for a game day. Got to play to the last whistle blows, but there's your thing too. Let's go to the money. This week on the money zone, the driver is duo dator. Oh fuck. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Sorry. Go ahead. You seem like wicked excited about duo dator.com. So this is crazy. Um, I, my, my group of friends here in Austin had come up with this idea for a website where couples would go on dates with each other to make it like as low pressure situation as

they possibly could. Only they called it wings, uh, w, y, n, g, z, uh, like wing, like wingman. And then they later found out that that site already existed and it's called duo dator. So duo dator is a, the, here's the idea. It, it's, it can be a little uncomfortable going out, you know, with a complete stranger. So what you do is you have a friend and you go on double dates with them. So like, so it's, it's like a dating website, but for like double date. Instead of like, yeah, that's awesome.

Yeah. Like pairs of dudes meet pairs of girls and it's like comfortable. Your friends there, it's a way more, you know, relaxed situation. And then it all ends up in a hot tub and where it goes from there. Is there, is there an option for an established guy, girl couple to meet up with another guy, girl couple and just make a fuck pile. Do the old swap Rooney. Oh, at fuckpile.com.

Yeah. You want to go, you'll want fuckpile.com for that. Boy, we need to register that one. If that's not, yeah, but duo dator is a, it is a, a really cool idea. And you can go to duo dator.com and just get your best bro. Do work out a hand sign for if you think you're going to be able to get some sex and you're going to need your friend to peel off. Like if you're going to need them to split the duo, like you have to have like,

I think you have to have two keys that you insert at the same time and turn and it splits the duo and then one duo can go make whoopee and the other one can have awkward. Actually, if you try to do that, a duo dator officer will, will come and stop you. It's important. It's a baby officer. You have to preserve the sanctity of their, their websites moniker. Also do a dator. I feel like you owe us some residuals because that is totally wings, wings.

What is he saying? What is he? So crazy if they follow us and that's thank you duo dator. Thank you duo dator Griffin. Oh fuck I need to write a song for him. Yeah. Hold on duo dator. See I just keep wanting to sing about wings and I feel like that would be wings.

You can sing about the TV show wings. What's better than going on a date with someone you don't know? Going on a date with two people that you don't know and one friend who's got your back. That's the idea behind duo dator. It was the idea behind wings first, then they stole it and that's okay with me. That's okay with me. Visit duo dator.com and get your idea stolen. There are a bunch of fucking inception mind thieves.

That was way angrier than I meant it to be. You think that's what they had planned on? I'm sorry about the jingle that I wrote for you. I should have talked more about your goods and services. Please accept my apologies. My roommate and I are pretty good friends. We watch movies and TV together, eat meals together, play games with each other, etc. But sometimes I just want so tired of myself.

I go in my bedroom and close the door but he always stopped by to ask what I'm doing if I want to hang out. I end up making excuse like saying I'm not feeling well, I'm working on something. But really I just want a piece of quiet. I don't like lying to him so is there something I can tell him? I want to be left alone without hurting his feelings? That's from Bothered in Berkeley. So how do I jerk off in a room with a roommate?

That's what he's saying. It's tricky. You got a fake a nap? Yep. You can do that. I'm taking a nap. It's going to last about 15 minutes. Pretty short for a nap.

But long enough for the other thing. Don't you tell. Do I see her forever? Don't you ever tell. God it is tough. See I don't know though because I got lucky because my roommate in college and I like seem to be on the same schedule of like hang out, hang out, hang out and then we break to our rooms and leave each other alone.

You know like we'd watch TV together for a while and then we just kind of simultaneously get bored with each other. Where roommate is this? That was Brent. That's hit. Brent O'Flaws. Hit internet personality Brent O'Flaws. Yes.

The problem is you could be friends with your roommate. You should be friends with your roommate. But you shouldn't be their only friend and that sounds like the kind of situation that you have going on. You shouldn't be there but you should not be FF with your roommate before you get married. It sounds like you're kind of filling a lot of roles for your roommate if he or she wants to spend like every second with you. Yeah.

Yeah I would say that honestly in this case I think it's best to be honest. Just say like no I'm just gonna hang out by myself. Like I just need some time right now. But what if they're like oh come on. What if you scheduled time like if you said hey don't forget tonight you know tolerance and TR is at 10 o'clock. Oh I like that actually. And so that way you set a time that you're going to hang out so up until then.

Well at that point Travis at that point you are dating them. Well yeah I mean it sounds like you are anyways they're just really needy. Yeah. And you don't get your thing touched. You know what you should do. Oh synergy duo date with them. Oh fuck. Go on a duo date with them and then they're done with you.

Yeah I love that. Go on a duo date with them. We need to get duo data on this show so we can talk about like I want to know about this statistic I want to know about the best practices like how many how often do two dude couples a dude couple and a lady couple or two pairs of oppositely gendered friends go on a duo date and but with intent like do you think they assign who gets who at the beginning like I get Susan you get Mark and then you get down there you get on the fucking ground and then like you want to swap and then you swap I bet that happens like 75.

What if you did like the two pairs were a guy and a girl and a guy and a girl so it's like a female best friend and a male best friend then they're like they're getting each other's backs that could also happen there's so many sexy options I love this I like that one better actually because it's like that there's not any other option there's no other way oh but you know what you guys know how that one ends right oh then they realize they realize they actually call that the Tom Hanks man grind you can get that combo it is at a discounted rate oh that's nice um because you should have realized in the first place I have bad news tell me as much as I appreciate duo data I have bad news and that is that I have opened

up trio data dot com and just it your your your fuck pile expands by 50 percent that is a 50 spread on the fuck pile we that is just sex math right there you can't deny it oh god I love the phrase sex math now to you because I got I got that skis down a little bit yeah a little bit the whole fuck wild thing is really grossing me out I'll tell you why it's grossing me out because once Griffin said trio data I almost said you ever wanted to date three brothers who do a comedy podcast and then Griffin took a test well you took it to the weird place of sexums you want me to like fucking like throw a picnic by the lake and then you're kind of like a chase like yeah a chase we're gonna sit around we're gonna you bring your parasols while

the gentleman played bocce ball what's wrong with a picnic why does it have to be a sex nick why can't it just be a regular picnic a dicknik you're thinking of a dicknik yeah so your roommate um just have that conversation with him and he'll never want to hang out with you again just play this last segment for them yeah say I'm not at him a lot smile I'm not kidding do a date with him do a dator calm I love it I think it's a great idea you know yeah get him out of the house here's another get in a circle of people this this yahoo answer was sent in by Catherine Rao what m r a u le if anyone has a better way of pronouncing this name apparently I'm wrong last week I am off my game if you can say that last name without sounding like a bear I will give you a dollar out of my pocket

what now what's the question uh it's asked by yahoo lady who asks this one might be too gross we'll see how is that penis put inside vagina will be held all the night during sleep time I really don't know if that is a good or bad for my health and my partner's health either if he puts his penis inside my vagina all the night what a love that would be my first time like that what what he's saying what this what yahoo lady uh I'm gonna be straight up guys I have a problem of falling asleep while cuddling yeah let alone let me get hmm let me just okay night is just good for you said the alarm good night sweet dreams don't shift around too much please please don't roll over I had the weirdest dream

you cannot imagine the dream I hey I love you I love you too uh do you want to fall asleep in this manner I just devise there's no love that great there's no love no it doesn't even seem like sexy at all no it seems like utilitarian like put it in and let's go to bed like what what that's weird that's very weird listen I have chronic wiener coldness it is a real thing not invented can you help a brother out can you swaddle my wiener please I don't see anything weird about this nothing weird about it just tuck him in and let's go to bed just swaddle me with you for $300,000 would you swaddle with skull

all my can we please please please god I've never wanted anything in my life as much as I want to get at my own sex term coined and that is swaddling that is when you enter a lady and then you just gawk just zonk it for eight and then doze off get your get your butt on purpose get your 40 winks and get your tiddly winks with swaddling the new thing that exists god I can't wait till it gets on time fellow what a love what a loving what a love I can ask it your love is so great that it's killed my belief in it in the concept so I guess it's a pretty good love god vulcanon responded I know some friends who do this what they actually cuddle with him inside her all night long I don't see anything wrong with it so long as you're both clean no reason get

a yeast infection over this what what let's stop right you want to do this all night odds are you aren't that's not healthy for you here's here's here's my problem once you have penetrated once you have once you've kicked off the swaddle you are no longer cuddling sorry that's no longer cuddling you're fucking you're you are fucking at that point hey here's a funny story for my former beers uh I thought this is what spooning was and you were thinking of swaddling I was thinking of swaddling I confused swaddling and spooning you could have you could have you could have been the creator of this new I could have made the t-shirt for everybody um that is wholly upsetting I'm really

entirely upsetting I you know it's even more upsetting that this person the answerer claims that their friends tell them about it hey Debbie and I had a fun night last night hey let me tell you about my Tuesday yeah well we wouldn't I'm in no way ashamed or secretive about this we went and saw contagion got some great Thai food and then I fell asleep with my wiener in her it was great oh that's called swaddling I didn't even I didn't even know I thought we invented it you're saying it's a new sex sensation that's sweeping the nation swaddling swaddling uh if that's not an urban dictionary by Friday I'll be despondent I will and then soon it will be in every r&b song um or at least every R. Kelly song yeah very at least

hey when this episode airs I'll be in a truck with my dad driving from San Antonio Texas to Georgetown Massachusetts with a number of stops in between brothers what are some good ways to keep up morale on the long and tiring road and that's from friend that's a long drive it is a long drive if you get on a long stretch where there's no other cars or people around and like you know it's just flat bad land all over the place pretend you're in a post apocalyptic world where you're the only ones left I feel like that could be pretty epic keep up morale keep up morale keep up morale uh I don't think that fits just recreate bill uh that that book The Road by Norm McDonald I do not think so Rory, Rold, Donaldson, Rold, Roger, Rold, Dr. Seuss, Tony Hawk um

you know what you know what did it for me on my drive from Chicago to Austin was just podcasts I my friend was in the car and we just listened to podcasts pretty much the entire way down and I like I'm not saying like listen our podcast I'm saying listen to listen I'm saying listen I am saying listen to our podcast yeah I think if you and now Travis when Travis went to uh when Travis showed to Louisville to see Point Break Lie with me uh what what podcast did you listen to to help pass the time oh we listened to our own podcast I listened to our podcast did you really yes I did Travis that is creepy with his girlfriend no I don't believe so with your girlfriend baby baby here comes my favorite goof I did listen I did it so good

well she hadn't heard the episodes and she wanted to listen to them but you were in the car giving like directors comments here like here's what I was thinking no she would actually ask questions my chusher like just listen shush just listen we explained all that you talked to her we're about to talk to her Justin's part and Griffin's part this is during this guys I think the best thing about listening to podcasts because I just told my friend about this when you talk in them yes is that for those long awkward pauses or you can't think of anything to say with your traveling companion podcasts are like other people are having the conversation for you in the car and you don't have to say anything it's great it's better than

music in that in that respect I think because it fills up the conversation voids and it can also give you a lot of new stuff to talk about don't be afraid to pause and talk because that can really help pass the time especially with podcasts like how stuff works and radio where like they're talking about interesting ideas yeah you know what I mean I think it's great conversation starters sometimes I listen to radio lab with a friend and then we have entire discussions about how to pronounce abumrod's name yeah I always say apple rod I say abumrad here's another one meth yeah yeah yeah makes it fly by yeah chomp it down like trail mix also trail mix it's a great snack for the road when you're on the trail the modern-day trail the highway mix corp corpse delicious can I do another

yahoo uh yeah yeah we have a lot more ground to cover but let's just let's just burn through this yahoo because I feel you know it's important this one's in and by ecie mendon hall thank you ecie it's by yahoo answers user uh anonymous okay who asks what are some really sassy baby names haha my baby girl needs to be a diva like me uh-huh I'm angry I'm so angry um one girl room precious do you want me to go down the list and that's not sassy do you want to do you want to hear some of the suggestions that yahoo is provided yeah um I guess okay she's a cutie patootie cutie cutie patootie Sadie Jackie Jamie Maddie Brooke Brooke is good these are all regular names what about sarsie oh I spoke hey guys how about sars you can't you can't take the adjective

and then like throw a r in it this is my baby she's a diva her name is durva yeah I need a I need a melancholic child name call him melancholic crystal bristol crystal all right what about bristol glowy silver gizelle wait jump back silver with a why like the horse they've spelled it with a why yeah because that's not gonna have any jokes about it whatsoever in grade school what about uh like what if you called your what if you called your baby like bitch patrol that's sassy in it what about this is my this is my daughter in no scrubs don't even this is my baby creeping this is my baby tlc wait I I don't think um the name of that song wasn't creeping was it it was it was just it was just creep yeah if you

name your baby creep this is my baby radiohead she's sassy this is what if you name your baby after like sassy women who have gone before and you're like this is my baby jonavark yeah what if you just called your baby uh-uh not on my watch important thing no sir what if you name your baby that was it was those three snaps just three snaps if you make your baby if you want a sassy baby give her a name that humiliates people to pronounce so if you said my name is destiny and it's got 40 ease at the end and some of them are capitalized and some of them are not and you have to voice that if you don't address me as destiny I will not I will not respond that sounds like it was like 38 ease so you can back that's gonna be tough to put down on her sat that's gonna

be i'm gonna need another sheet that's gonna be a lot of bubbles hey girth i don't think that's gonna be a prowl destiny you know what i am not gonna undersell destiny and i'll tell you why i don't think her name is going to prevent her from achieving the goals she wants in life i want her to be the first lady president of the united states wow madam president destiny i'm a ghost hey uh so did you always uh think you would be president uh yes i always assumed that i would so what would you say that is with which is it i guess it was my fate my fate to be no no no no like predisposition you know i mean like what if you thought you were always going to be it

it would be like your calling like my calling my destiny with hawaii i don't understand i don't understand um do you guys know what day it is game day game day it's it's the sept it's the first week of september no no and as it is that as is our calling we're gonna do things and we're gonna talk about it and we're gonna talk about the things that are important this month and we're gonna talk about them okay it's fall hat month what it's also happy cat month all right now i don't know if that's saying happy comment everybody or your cat looks bummed uh it is national coupon month obviously you know it is can we talk about lume's last time he has used you guys use coupons coupons are the worst thing to ever happen to our economy i literally used one last night to buy

a chocolate cake at heb really coupons are bullshit and they're ruining our economy i don't think that's true travis it is absolutely true that sounds like i don't think about those people that no think about those people that walk in and use coupons like on extreme couponing and they end up paying like ten cents for a hundred dollars i can't think of those things that you just said because they're not like any rational person those things you're talking about in all my memory thanks dude i work i worked retail where people brought in fucking coupons all the time they're knowing and i hate that shit guys it's pleasure your mate month no you know what have you heard of swaddling that seems to be big i heard about it on the news last night it was on 2020 update your

resume month you're fired i think you extrapolated you're fired uh those are the ones we're working with it looks like uh library hard sign up month okay that's good you don't have to use i'm having a hard time uh coming up with things between uh happy cat month and pleasure mate month can we make a combo month that's what i'm saying pleasure your fall hat month really get in there really get in there uh when they say fall hat is that like putting some fake leaves all over go wild during california wild rice month okay hey don't tell me how to fucking celebrate my fucking month september hey september you're apparently no one wants this month anymore i can't imagine why it's not like it's been ruined for celebrations

and it sucks does not suck because september it had so much going for it it had that that earth went in fire jam yeah that was a good jam everybody's birthdays it is today it's like it's ten years ago your birthday was ruined forever your birthday is actually ruined forever would you rather have a september 11th birthday or christmas birthday christmas birthday really at this point at least there's like presents going around everywhere everyone's in a good mood and there's decorations and it's a happy time guys it's a pleasure your mate month and you know what that means here at mabin bam what i don't know actually i'm kind of afraid you've got all the hot bedroom tips okay okay uh let me see if i if i got one here um maybe just

grab her nipple and just go for it my brother my brother make have you considered a sex nick my brother my brother and me turn that weiner like a key in a lock my brother my brother helicopter my brother my brother oh man what never mind i'll extract i don't know great but i'm not a fucking doctor root over here i can't explain it all take a moment look in your mate's eyes then superman that hoe yeah my brother my brother can you do that while looking in the eyes i don't know the the physiology of supermaning can you explain to me what supermaning is and i'll beep the whole thing out i if you promise to beat the whole thing out i swear to god i will do you swear i swear to christ

you superman that hoe you sorry radio audience that's what google's for i'm gonna black out that's what you hear when you're doing it so right my brother my brother um what would our kelly do my brother my brother oh man then then do the opposite thing do the exact opposite for the love of destiny how about this true pleasure waits that's what is this like tantric shit are you talking like what would sting do i'm talking about tantricize that and tell you're married to it oh so what if like pleasure mate month means take the whole month and really just like get some cliff bars and some you know energy drinks

and let's do this what if pleasure your mate month doesn't mean mate in the american sense but mate in the british sense where it's just like you're saying like hey buddy hey pal is this the month for you uh can't why do you have to pleasure him with adult things why can't you take him just get some fish and chips by me right back rubs galore take your mate to buffalo wild wings and whack and enjoy some buffalo wings together yeah and these are delicious and then later superman that hoe and then just superman him by which i mean it's to it yuck oh hey i want to hear griffin's last question but first i want to remind you this is my brother my brother and me if you have someone in your life that is not listening to our program uh send them this link bit dot

ly forward slash it's mobim bam uh tweet it mail it to people uh i don't care just get it out there and write it on a piece of paper get new people on board transcribe our entire podcast by hand and bind it in a book and then can i have it uh if you uh want us to be on your podcast just let us know we'll do that too we're flexible yeah we'll do anything we're looking to make some guest spots we'll do a guest spot on your show i'm actually doing a a piece on radiolab they're doing a whole episode on swaddling uh huh i'm catching on that quick i found this um i found this elderly couple that has swaddled every single night for 90 years they're actually setting a record they've never stopped swaddling they have been swaddling they said awkward to

walk around the house yeah i am so yucked right now um thank you to everybody who's been who's been tweeting about the show we really appreciate that uh thank you to imminent emily my love be out of pray brittany lee uh ducklips 513 chris wila always amh marshal dbdx bd shon everybody really i you i want to thank every i want to thank single girl 1983 because she's sending like 40 ahu answers on on the tweets thank you awesome thank you uh supply side jesus matt hushings so many people are are out there spreading the word um if you want to do that it's uh use the mb mb am hashtag and we would suggest actually i would suggest this at least make a column of the mb mb am search because you uh jb pd did that this week and you will be

amazed at some of the things some of the wonders the delights the the garden of earthly delights that is the mb mb am hashtag search so keep an eye on that i really want to thank john rodrick in the long winters for the use of their theme song uh it's a departure from the album putting the days to bend which is fantastic and while you're buying that uh john rodrick just started up his own podcast with merlin man uh and it's it is delightful uh it is called it's called rogerk on the line rogerk on the line thank you boom so thank you john and long winters and merlin man it's just yeah just for being you so uh girlfriend yeah i got it we're ready this final yahoo answer was sent in by fey style on twitter thank you fey style it's by yahoo answers user jiraya

jiraya who asks if you surgically attach two guys together in a 69 position will the p just go round and round in an endless cycle i'm genuinely upset this is what i am i got out of disgust this is the most upsetting episode yeah keep your heart three stacks keep your heart hey keep your heart three stacks keep your heart man these girls are smart these stacks these girls are smart play your card