My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 73: Gooshing from the Johnson's

Episode Date: September 26, 2011

On this day 18 years ago, the world of broadcasting was changed forever by the debut of one of television's finest programs: Boy Meets World. Today, My Brother, My Brother and Me does its part to keep the fires of Cory, Topanga and Shawn alive and roaring. Suggested talking points: Plus Zero, Greed of the Magi, Jerkin' Abbey, Almost Perfect, Homeless Delights, Scrotoshop, Taste My Steel, SMG Smooch

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Cory Topanga, the whole gang has gathered here for this, the 18th anniversary of Boy Meets World's special edition of My Brother, My Brother, Me. One other character from Boy Meets World. Mr. Feeny. Sean. Travis Nami and 12. 12. Eric. The dad. The mom. Three. Mr. Turner. Four. Minkus. Five. Oh, deep cut. Thank you. I can't remember Sean's brother. I think his name was

Sean's brother. Yes, it's Sean's brother. Brotherly love. Brotherly love. Joey. Clarissa. The whole gang. Phoebe. Blossonica was there. Family ties. Cory Feldman. What the fuck, guys? 18 years. We're celebrating. We've got confetti. We've got large pictures of Ben Savage pasted all over our walls. What an unfitting name for that gentleman. Ben Savage? Yeah. Yeah, he's about the least that guy that I know. Yeah, his name should be like Stephen Huggs. Did you ever see the episode? There was a special episode where his brother Fred Savage was on the show and for some reason they decided the best thing to do with his brother was to make him a teacher that sexually harassed Topanga and have Cory throw him through a door. Yeah, I remember that. I remember

watching that going, that was your play? Like you couldn't have them be like cousins or something cool and fun like he threw his brother through a door? She got Savage. Yeah. Have you seen that new ABC sitcom? Shit, got Savage. You got Ben Savage. You got Rory Savage. And you got Adam Savage from Mythbusters. Yeah, and they just fucking wail on each other for a half hour every week. It's a weird show. It's not very good. No, it's not a good show. This is a good show, though. It's my brother, my brother, me, and advice show. It's not starting out good. I thought it was pretty good. It's my brother, my brother, and me, and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your minimalist brother, Travis McElroy. I'm the Ben Savage of the family, Griffin

McElroy. He's the youngest, right? I think he's the loveliest one. Yeah. Let's get right to the questions. I'm ready to just dig in this week. I want a big mouthful of questions. Wow. How the imagery. Just put your questions in my mouth. Just put it right there. My molars are going to grind away on your queries. My prewife and I are getting married. I like that. Yeah, me too. Efficient. My prewife and I are getting married in a smaller venue for our very special day. The only problem is that people seem to think they could bring a guest to them to the wedding, even though only their name was on the invitation. We do not have enough space or alcohol for this nonsense. How should we drop the news? That's from no randos in North Carolina. I think what's

important to note is that you can't be surprised that people think they can bring a guest because that's how weddings work. Well, I think that's become the norm. I think you have to state. Is it too late to put on the invitations plus zero? Plus negative one. Yeah. Don't even blame yourself. I think in this case, if you didn't clarify on the invitation, I think if it's, if this is the situation, you find yourself and you got to reach out to those people. You got to call them or email them or probably email them. That's nice and impersonal. Just say like, Hey, no, I wasn't clear. They made this bed. They have to sit on laps at the church when it's time to go. I'm assuming you're getting married to a church. Otherwise, it doesn't count.

And so they got to lap it. That's all that's the choice. That's the bed they made. Is this a situation in which they should kind of maybe expect that when they tell someone like, Hey, you can't bring your SL, then that person might not come. I honestly, I, it is assumed if you invite someone and they're married or in a couple, even like they're going to bring someone else. Like that's just the price of doing business. Come celebrate our special bond alone. We want you to think about what you don't have at the moment and what we do. We don't want anybody's love distracting from our love. Yeah. It's like you, you can't wear white and you can't hold hands at a wedding because it's not your time. It's not your time. That's probably alone.

And you can just announce that your wedding is standing room only. We're packed. We're sold out. Yeah. It's the craziest wedding ever. This is Bieber's wedding. Bieber and Kim Kardashian got married. That never thought it would work between the two of them. But you know, there's something there. It's magical. I'll tell you what, there is between them and that's about two and a half feet of height. He would have to climb her like shadow of the Colossus to put it to pleaser. Like a midget change in a light bulb and a lamppost. It would be a weird scene. All kinds of shenanigans.

All kinds of things going on in that relationship. Where's that reality TV show of that non-existent relationship? How about a Hollywood? Yeah, you gotta assume people are going to bring in guests. There are a lot of things that if they said you can come but your wife can't, like, I probably wouldn't come. Like, that's kind of just shitty. I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you. But this is why you plan on like, you don't count on 300 lonely hearts coming to your shindig. Well, they probably, they probably did take into account. I mean, you remember how meticulous it was planning who to invite for your wedding. They probably did plan on couples, established

couples and marrieds and datings. But they didn't want like, you know, Roger to bring his friend from work, you know. I don't think I'm just doing that. This is, okay, to be fair, in my wedding, I wasted a lot of my invitations on people like Mr. T. Yeah. And the Harlem Globe Trotters and Voltron. I thought you got to say most RSVP'd. Why is he here? Yeah, you got to send those out because one of them is going to say yes. Like, yeah, maybe Voltron's like, I don't know anything going on that weekend. I'll be there. No big deal. The car from Knight Rider shows up. I think you just got to take your lumps. Yeah, because I think the problem is, even if you like, planned on married couple and dating couple, to expect like the single lonely guy to show it

by himself, knowing that there's going to be married couples and dating couples there. It's not you. Who's he going to meet? Someone married. One of them bride ladies. Well, they're brides, bridles. And that's the situation you're setting up, though, is infidelity, which I think is kind of fucked up at a wedding, you know. Yeah. It's supposed to be about vows and shit, eternal love. Not sex. Not sex. Not sex. Hey, on the subject of sending gifts, should I send presents to my Esso's family if, to be frank, they did not send any to me? That's from brides lady. This is one of the toughest questions in dating. The question, the answer is yes. Like, why not? Why wouldn't you? They didn't send any to her.

Yeah. Oh, that's a good point. No, I mean, send them some soap or some shit. Like, send them some soap. Just let them know that they are in your mind. I think we talked about it before, but giving gifts is like, especially, I don't know how long you've been dating your Esso, but especially early on is one of the, like, toughest challenges of, like, the beginning of a relationship where you go, do I get them a gift that's very personalized, or do I get them something that's safe? And I know I don't know, like a popcorn tin, like something that I know they're going to like. I would rather, I would rather them not have a gift than have the gift of guilt, which is what you're giving them if you get them a present, and they didn't get you one. But you always run

that risk of, like, maybe they didn't think you were going to get them anything. And so now it's just this, like, unspoken, like, well, we didn't get anything for each other. I don't know. It's so tough because you don't want to make them feel bad, but at the same time, maybe you need to break the cycle. How is it going to make them feel bad if they get a present? How do you feel? Because they didn't get you a present. Fuck that. They'll be so excited to get a present that they'll just be like, ooh, present. How does it look like a shiny present? Just go to, go to stop over thinking and just go to Pier 1 Imports and buy one of those wicker basket balls. Griffin, imagine gift to the Magi and the woman's like, I sewed my hair to get you this wash chain. He's like, oh cool,

that'll go great with my watch. Oh man, that was very thoughtful of you. But listen, I'm gonna need a new lady, your bald. Hey, I'm just looking at my watch. It looks like it's time to get a new girlfriend out of the way. That trade off is not very fair, is it? Hey, Vicky, me and Hellraiser split up. Yeah, I got a new chain too. I got a sweet ass watch chain. I said, there's the door, thanks for the watch. Oh man, what a horseshit. Yeah, I stole my watch. What did you do? Oh, you're bald now. That's rough. Yeah, but his watch isn't gonna grow back. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, because he had his watch gland removed. You gotta go to Pier 1. Gotta get him a wicker basket ball. Bitches love that shit. And by bitches, I mean this person's parents.

People do love, people love getting presents, and you're probably are overthinking it, Brett's lady. Just, Brett needs you to buy his parents a thing. And then, you know what, no matter what it does for them, it'll make him think a lot of you. And that relationship is important. Ooh, ooh, what about this? Get them the present, and they're like, oh, we didn't get you anything, say you already got me the greatest present, Brett. Don't fuck with that. Don't do that at all. It's just the right size. No, because if you say that, if you say that, then they won't buy you gifts anymore. They'll be like, oh, check it. We got you, Brett, again. You're welcome. You want to return him? I'll get you, get you a wicker basket ball. Those things are so great.

I got one that smells like cinnamon. Sorry? That put it in a bowl. It smells like cinnamon all the time. What does it smell like? Mmm, smells like fresh rolls. Do you guys want a Yahoo answer? I have one. How did Griffin just say cinnamon? This one was sent in by Justin Rousseau. Thank you, Justin Rousseau. You're a gentleman and a scholar. It's asked by Yahoo answers user Buck Peters, who asks... Come on now. That's not a good story. What a power name. Buck Peters asks... Whatever he wants to. Is it weird to watch porn with nine other dudes with surround sound and order pizza for the event, like with sports? Because that's what's happening at our bachelor pad right now. We started off

with four guys. Now the neighbor and his buddies came over and it's nine guys watching porn, drinking beer, and eating pizza. If my buddy Seth and his two other buddies come over, that'll bring the tally of this party to 12 dudes. Oh my Jesus. This is a question mark. Mathematically, yeah, you got it. Should we invite some girls to balance out a possible sausage fest? A possible sausage fest? You can invite girls from now until the end of linear time. Not one is going to darken the door of that party. So here's the setup. There's no... You use so many question marks in this question where questions marks didn't need to be like, yeah, you got 12 goddamn dicks. It's a sausage fest, also you're eating pizza with probable

sausage on it. I'm going to go ahead and say that. This is like sausage wood stock. Yeah. You called all the sausage together for nine miles. And that's why sausage on the TV too, wouldn't you imagine? Yeah. Some dude... Do you know what my biggest problem with this setup is? The surround sound aspect. Yeah. What was that? There's a dick right behind my head. I feel like there's just a dick on my shoulder. Is there someone gooshing behind my head? He's gooshing. Philip, are you gooshing? Yuck, oh, don't say that. How does this become like a regular, like, it's Thursday, poor night again? Like, what the hell is the matter with... Don't you call it an event? Only not with sports. Looks like that penis is winning against the vagina. He could go all the way.

Surround sound. Perfect choice. Gross. I don't get it. Of course, it's like... This is the thing where it makes us sound like we're gonna be, like, we're homophobic, and it's not it. It's that you're not embracing your own thing. Like, you're not embracing your own identity. Let's look at it through the eyes of the pizza guy who rolls up and delivers your pizza. Yeah. And he swings up the door and he's just like, um, I'm gonna go. I don't know what this is. There are porn sounds. There are porn sounds coming from every corner of your room. Is this like 9.1? Jesus, how many speakers are there? I heard your house gooshing from the Johnsons. Like, wait a minute. Wait one goddamn second. Can you please never say the phrase gooshing

from the Johnsons again? I can't make any promises, but I'll do what I can. He's psychically unpleasant. That bad, huh? I thought maybe it was, I don't know, evocative, I would say. 12 dicks is too many dicks. I'm sorry. I don't care. Sexual preference doesn't even, even, it's not part of it at that point. That part, it's fucking feng shui. Like, you have 12 dicks in one room, all watching porn, and also pizza, pizza, guys, greasy, slimy pizza. Don't, just don't put it away. Put all of it away. This is how you know it's not a, if the question was, is this gay? Like, no, because a gay person would never go to that. Yeah, that sounds like as much of a taste as that. Yeah. I mean. There are new movies coming out all the time. Did you watch Avatar?

Yeah, what the fuck is the matter with you? Nothing else on. Guess I better watch some porn. Get everybody in the minivan and just go see Contagion or something. Hey, hey, did you and your friends watch Downton Abbey yet? It's starting up second season. Just, just torn it. Don't get a bunch of porno and watch it together. I don't know. It's like a secret shame that I think it would be equivalent of me and my friends are bathrooming in the same bathroom with 12 toilets. We love it. The doors open. Ricky's playing guitar. Jimmy's roasted marshmallows. Oh, we are all just stacked from stem to stern. Bowling. Floor to ceiling. Just be a man. People are the worst. People are the worst. Don't watch porn together. Any answers?

Watch it alone. And don't even do that. At least don't tell us about it. Any answers? Did anybody have any answers? Any, any advice? Yeah, Chrissy says, um, just keep an eye on anyone taking a long bathroom break. If it's your house hire someone else to clean your bathroom tomorrow. And to which the asker responded, true that. Hey, but both of you answer and question. I mean, Travis has a good point. That's the, that's the main problem when you're throwing us around sound porno pizza experience. Because you don't want, you don't let, you know, strands of just seed hanging from the ceiling when you're done. Oh yeah. Cause it's so, the experience would be so erotic.

They'd had a for rush to the bathroom and go down as much as I don't understand this idea of like group thing, quatching porn together. Isn't porn like a means to an end? It's not like, I love the story and the character development was awesome. Let's watch it again. You know, like, I don't get this idea of like just chased 12 dudes just sitting around eating pizza, watching porn. I don't, I don't know, Travis, that's a pretty broad generalization, which, um, do you guys remember Scorsese directed one of the butt slammers and I can't remember which one. Those butt slammers 12, but slammers 12. Which ever one had Leonardo DiCaprio in it. I remembered it was in the low 10s. Um, but you got to be careful. Yeah. But yeah,

Leo showed up. Yeah. Uh, and he slammed all the butts. All the butts. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I've been dating this girl for a few weeks now and she's borderline perfect. The only thing that concerns me is that she's more into me than I am into. Any advice concerned in Connecticut? Yeah. So your problem is she's almost perfect if only she didn't like you so much. Here's the thing. Oh, to have your problems. That must be so rough. Almost perfect. You see, I want to close, she might not be close to that borderline, you know, she might have half a face. Start like right at sideways, like nothing below the nose. What are you talking about? I'm saying she's almost perfect. Yeah. The almost perfect thing is

that the only problem with her is that she likes him too much. This question makes me so angry. I know I'm trying to recuperate because like when people say that, when people are like, she's more into me than I am into her, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's because you are less into her than she is into you, so she's pushing, she's fighting to try to get you on the same level. Right now the ball's in your court. You need to give her the ball. Yeah. You are not playing teamwork style. You are not, I don't know, any more basketball references, but no, teamwork style. That was a good one. We're going to go into this with a

teamwork style defense. What you got to do, you got to get Bugs Bunny to pass it to Bill Murray and slam jam it on the Monsters. That's right. That's the only basketball. And also Wayne Knight is there. Wayne Knight is there also. He drinks Michael Jordan's special stuff, which man, that movie's pretty suggestive now that I'm older. Yeah, I think Travis makes a rare great point. She is trying to compensate. She feels things not working. She feels you're not putting the energy into it. I don't know what this, I don't like her. If she is borderline perfect and you don't like her to your full capacity, that's a problem with you. Yeah. Got this sweet perfect angel. Only problem though is that I want somebody who's terrible

for me. Yeah, right. It's one of those things that whenever someone says, you know, I should really like her, but I don't. Okay, well, then you don't. So I think you need to analyze like what your real problem is. And maybe she's not quite as perfect for you as you think, or you don't appreciate her on the level that you should. There's something stopping you from being happy in this relationship. When you think it is, you guys, without any information about this person whatsoever, except for a pseudonym they've provided with us, they live in Connecticut. Do you think that maybe their apple orchard has had a rotten harvest? No, I think that's a definite possibility. I think it's that, I think it's that they've only

been dating for a few weeks and that people in this day and age have a tendency to rush from dating to like we are boyfriend, girlfriend, and they don't take the time to like actually get to know each other and figure out if they're perfect for each other. They just kind of jump into it. Yeah, but that's not that's not that. No, I disagree. I don't think no, it's not always bad. It's not always bad, but it's this idea of it never put someone on a pedestal. She's not perfect. No one's perfect. What? No. Yeah, I think that that's the problem. You're saying that the problem, the reason he doesn't like her is because he thinks that she's perfect. I think he doesn't know her well enough. You've done lost the plot. You have no, no, no. I'm saying if you think she's

perfect, maybe you don't know her well enough. Maybe you guys just need to have some more conversations. I'm saying it's, I'm saying it's this person's problem. You're putting it on this person who now, now I'm assuming that the writer of this question listens and the girlfriend doesn't. So I'm going to put the blame on her because she'll never hear me do it. Hardly you say maybe. I say it's practical. Hey, why are you so amazing? Hey, you maybe need to aim even higher than almost perfect. Maybe you need to go take it to the limit. Hey, is there any way that she, that you can like him less? He's not, okay. I'm to completely shift gears here. How do you have that conversation? Can you like me less? Yeah, communication is playing your problems. And be like,

hey, you like me way too much. I am clearly too awesome. I know I'm great. And now I'm always cooking your favorite grilled cheese sandwiches and I always drop the best Napoleon Dynamite quotes the most appropriate times. But you've got to stop liking me so much. I get it. I get it. Maybe it's, it's time for you to, I don't know, just lower the bar a little bit. Yeah, you got to like, maybe you're being, maybe he's being too great. Yeah. Maybe he forgets, maybe he forgets the dinner date, stands her up once again. Well, no, no, no, no, no. I think that's disrespectful. I'm saying next time you're smooching her, maybe you burp a little bit. Maybe you invite her to a 12 man straight off Jerkoff festival, like a summer Jerkoff festival. Jerkoff Fest 2011.

Yeah, Jerkeru. Jerkerpalooza. Jerker sheet. Maybe make a, maybe make an offhanded comment about tomorrow's underwear change in day. Just mention it. Yeah, actually. I've been waiting for so long. Time's up. Maybe talk about your mites. Say bedbugs. Say something about bedbugs. You don't even have to like do a sentence, you can just say the words bedbugs and you drop like two rungs. Here's the thing, smother her. Not, no, wait a minute. Come back. Not like that. Put that pillow down. Put that pillow down. That would fix your problem, but not really in the way that you need to. It would create some new problems. Yeah, with the law, with Johnny Law. New one with Johnny Law to deal with.

I really, can I, in the serious advice realm, I would say that if you hang in there with this relationship and you really care about this girl, these things will balance out. But he doesn't care about it. You'll find an equilibrium. What? He's, he's bored. He's bored. No thanks, perfection. Too perfect. I think Griffin has already turned on this question asker and I'm trying to give him a way out. I'm saying just chill. If she's perfect, he shouldn't have any problems staying in the relationship. It should be a joy, a delight, unless there's something he's not telling us. Half a face. Vampire. Half a face vampire. Half a face vampire. She sucks other faces to get the other half of her face. Is that a thing? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably a

series in the BBC. Yeah. It's what's about half face vampires. Takeout and Netflix. It's not an appropriate second date, right? I just started dating a guy who's recently out of a long term relationship and he's jumping into a comfort level. We have not reached yet. How can I get into back off without being too harsh? Form spring. Yikes. Yikes. Oh, buddy. Can you put them on the line? Can we talk to them? Here's the thing. I think that's not a bad second date, but it is a bad second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth date. Yeah. In a row. It also depends on what the first date was. Yeah. Well, I imagine the first date. Nobody does have a first date. With their wedding. Yeah. Yeah. No, yeah. And that's a tough

conversation to have, too. Like, really, you want to, I guess, we can stay in. It's a little, it is kind of intimate, I guess, doing that. And yeah, he's, you know what? He's trying to slip into the sweatpants of stage relationship long before it's time. It's the hot pants stage. Is there a way to, like, jokingly bring it up? Like, we're not quite in the sweatpants phase yet. Ha, ha, ha. Without going, hey, put on some fucking slacks and take me out before I leave you. I'm beautiful. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm frumming. Your slacks are pressed. Promise of youth. Get in the car. Drive me to the dance hall. We're going to the DAV and we're going to boogie. What? Yeah. The where? The DAR. The Dogs of the Modern Revolution.

Or maybe the Eagles. The Dota. The Elks. The Elks. The KFC. The Knights of Columbus. We're going to go to the KFC. We're going to. We're going to go to the Veterans Hospital. And we're going to cut a rug. Yeah, I think joking about it is the, because there's a thing with a lot of guys, if you make a joke, he'll really take it to heart and it'll eat at him. So maybe that's the way to go. You know, just something fun like that. But don't make it too serious because this is going to sound weird, but your, I think, second date is too early to be having serious conversations about anything. Yeah. I don't think you can have a serious conversation about, hey, listen, this is really, this is moving too fast. Like, I'm just, you know,

make a casual joke about it. And that's the thing is what's funny is it's not that it's moving too fast. So much as it's, it's slowed down too fast. Yeah, it's slowed down like really fast. Yeah. He threw, he was just revving up the engine. He threw on the brakes. Who like brings it? He's like, Hey, I got Pad Thai. We're about to stream some Downton Abbey. That sounds like a good night though. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Chill out. Hang on. I gots to go. That does sound like a good night though. It sounds nice. I might do that tonight. Yeah, sounds good. Adam old. I'm 80 years old. This is called my brother, my brother, my octogenarian.

My brother, my brother, my grandpa and his sage, sage words. Yeah, I think you, I think if you make a fun joke about it, I don't think it'll be that big of a problem anymore. You can get over it. And maybe, maybe wait to see what the third date is because maybe he's roping open you. Yeah, maybe that's his pattern. Maybe it's like epic first date, lame second date, but then his third date is like hot air balloon ride and you're losing your mind. That's what you're eating Thai food and watching Netflix on a laptop in a hot air balloon. Listen, I love when you took me to the fancy Italian restaurant and we watched Netflix and he take out of the table and then you took me to your house and we watched

Netflix and eight takeout and now we're on the space shuttle and we're watching Netflix and eating takeout, but maybe change it up. This don't not be so gripping. Why do they only make seven episodes? You, you know what? I think you just got to take charge because this story shows in a long-term relationship, they probably would be very excited to, to go out and do things that they didn't do in their last relationship. If it was as sedentary as you're making it sound, like I think you just got to take charge and be like, today we're gonna, you know, go river rafting or something, something exciting. You know, I think that that person will really, really appreciate that and sort of break out of the doldrums and then, you know, try even harder to impress you.

Speaking of doldrums, guys who have been in the long-term relationship for a long time, don't forget that every once in a while you got to put the sweatpants up. You got to, got to put on some slacks again and do it for no reason. Don't wait till like an anniversary or birthday because then it doesn't count. It's got to be like, hey, you know what? I just realized how much I love you today. Let's go somewhere special tonight. It's, it's much like sieging a fort. The most important part in love is the element of surprise. That is correct. Yeah. Hey, Griffin, do you have a... And make sure you don't make her pay for it. Don't. Yeah. That really kills it. Yesterday, just yesterday, my lady, I went out to a fancy dinner. I had a, um, uh, the, the sea bass,

southern style sea bass coated in polenta. Delicious. Yeah, she had the swordfish. I, uh, last night I, I cooked for my lady. I made her, um, uh, salmon filets, which I stuff with baby spinach and pine nuts and, uh, and, uh, it's a real treat. What about you, Tra? What did you eat last night? Uh, Theresa made me a country dinner with mashed potatoes and chicken fried steak and damn. Can we all just, can we all hold hands across the internet and just appreciate how good our lots in life are? Yeah. I don't, I, today, today, who knows, but like dinner at least, we got our dinner right. My breakfast, I don't know what I'm going to do yet. It's still early. I wish there was some really squawky, harpy lady who is here right now and be like,

I ate a bowl of salad out of a bread bowl from Marie Calender's, and then it turned to a Marie Calender's commercial. Marie Calender's is good anytime. Let's get it anytime. Or like a woman who's like, I ate half a Hershey bar and some bunions. Who's this Kathy like character you're trying to cast? I don't understand that the sociological like profile you're trying to tap into with this new character. I ate cat food because it's all I had. So a homeless person. Is this a homeless ad from Marie Calender? This actually sounds like an episode of the New Adventures of Old Christie. Marie Calender homeless delights. Cat food surprise. Surprise. You only have cat food. I ate some microwave and now my teeth hurt.

I made soup out of newspaper. Today's headline. These is delicious. Do you know where you'll be going with all the savings from Marie Calender using coupons in the mail from the newspaper? With the money gone. That's so awkward when you go to buy a Marie Calender homeless meal and you realize that you already made the coupons in the soup. Thank you, Marie. Is this soup on? The soup that keeps on soupin'. What's got the money's in? Ethan wants to wish his girlfriend Ariel a happy 21st birthday. Today. Today. Oh, shit. Today. Both in Indianapolis, both devout in BNBA and listeners and

Griffin kind of channel Ethan and give me this next quote in the voice of Ethan. Oh, yeah. So Ariel, she's a model. I'm talking like fucking the guy from Min and Black. I was talking like the guy from Min and Black after he gets taken over by the alien. He's like. Ariel, he says, is a model. Good, good, good, get. She likes giraffes and penguins. She's hilarious and he loves her very, very much. Happy birthday, Ariel. Happy birthday, Ariel. Go get just wasted on Arbor Mist because you can buy that now legally. You got all the Arbor Mist you want. Go get some Arbor Mist in Wild Irish Rose and go crazy. They think it'd be cool. It would be a good promotion for Arbor Mist if they

could somehow make it where you could drink Arbor Mist when you're 20. Just as like a warm-up for real alcohol. Yeah. I thought that was Boone's Farm. It's like juice. Boone's Farm. Arbor Mist. Training wheels. Alcohol. Because let's be honest, you're drinking Smirnoff ice at like 16. Right. For that slow, slow ramp up. Yeah, for the slow. It's just legally instituted indoctrination in the culture of alcohol. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Hey, if you would like to be on our Jumbotron, you can go to maximumfund.org. Jumbotron, and we'll talk about your special event or your corporation, and there are rates there. And thank you for your money. And listen, don't actually drink before

you're 21 unless it's like Zima. Or you're being pressured to. If you're being pressured to drink a four loco, that's fine. That's fine. Especially if it's by a member of the opposite sex. Oh, yeah, yeah. Who's older than you? Oh, yeah. Because you might get the smoocher. Don't actually drink four loco. I'm 24, and I don't think I can handle one of those things. And listen, I saw it on Twitter last night. Oh, yeah. He's drinking trash monkeys. I can't stress enough. Don't drink trash monkeys. It was a fun little short story because she was like, my boyfriend's about to drink trash monkeys. And then like two hours later, she was like, my boyfriend's dead. My boyfriend died and missing very much. Thanks for the advice. Thank you. Just don't drink anymore,

you guys. Yeah. Griffin. A Yahoo? Yes. How about another one from Mr. Justin Rousseau? He really knocked out of the park this week. Thank you, Justin Rousseau. It's by Yahoo answers user Vic Philadelphia Freedom, who asks, this might be too gross. Let me know if it is and we'll do something else. How do you make a scrotum more attractive? I mean, if you leave it as is, it looks like a Velcro tennis ball rolled in pet hair. If you shave it, it looks like an orange that somebody forgot in the fridge for a year. How do you make it look any better? Serious answers only please. You can make it look like a kitty with like face paint. What's the additional info, Griffin? Additional details. Will you marry me cat? So I don't know. Maybe he's using this

as like the worst proposal. Like he was trying to genetically, scientifically come up with the worst proposal ever imaginable. This is pretty high on the list. This is actually an easy one to answer. What you want to do is go up to you, you go up and click layer and then click filter and then click artistic and then click scrotums and then click de-speckle, de-vane and uncheck smoothing. And you're just going to want to save that. If you have a tip, you're going to want to check check in laced hair. That's going to give you a look like the pubes are woven into like a, like a, a dick-dicky base. Yeah, yeah. Give me a really nice look. I tell you what, I usually just blur it, blur,

blur, blur, blur, blur and then I slap a mosaic filter on it and then I print that and I use it as a sort of a basis for my stained glass work. You know, and we run into this a lot, but you guys are just so much more computer savvy than me. I just use paint and just kind of do a spray paint smile on it. Yeah, which is fine. That's good, I guess. I have actually, I'm still using clip art. I've been looking into flash to like animate, to just make it like, make it look like the left and right gonads are sort of going up and down as if it were walking down like a path, like a rose, a rose covered path. So maybe they're not any more attractive, but they're definitely more active. Yeah. Well, and you can't spell attractive without active, you know. It's true,

so true. Everybody get fit. Just a reminder. You thought about maybe throwing a third ball in there? Giving something they haven't seen before. Just like that classic scene in Total Recall when that girl says, baby, you made me wish I was dead. Oh, man, was there, I don't think that there is a, I don't know, an equal thing for having three balls. Like maybe wish I had six fingers. I don't know. Which made me wish I had left after our second date something. How about this suggestion? One sentence, get yourself an Easter egg kit. Oh, you're saying that he should dip them? Yeah. But make sure you use the wax pencil before, because afterwards he doesn't do the designs as well. Yeah, yeah. You can write your favorite

Bible verses on there. And don't overdo it with the glitter. You don't want it looking like a Mariah Carey video down there. Yeah. Get your glitter straight. That is the most ostentatious scrotum I have ever seen. It's a little showy, okay? Listen. Did you bedazzle it? What is that? We're just 12 guys trying to sit around and watch the pornography. I don't need you showing off your, your Elton John disco ball scrotum. Hey, get those googly eyes off there. That's ridiculous. Tyler, you have to leave. Tyler, I'm trying to eat pizza and fucking pound it and I can't do it. Oh, you've just given me a great idea for like a survivor survivor style reality show about 12 dudes watching porn together. Yeah. Yeah. Would you watch that show? No. Okay. Not at all.

But you make it, make a, make a fortune off of it. Oh yeah. Can we give, can we give these testies some utility? Do we make them function, keep them function, not form? Because how about like a fanny pack for your balls? They, they have those. It's called being a transvestite. Can we please come up with something other than that? Who wrote about paperweight? I'm not talking, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about something that carries to hoist your, your grown answer. You're saying, you're saying dip them in, in like metal and then use them as paperweights. So just bronze them? No, no, no. I'm just, I'm confused. It seems like while that would make them more attractive on one level, I feel like it would be a little bit

painful. Yeah, it would not be pleasant. I'm, could we, ooh, could we, um, candles? Can we turn them into candles? Like candle dip them? That wouldn't feel good. That would never. Well, you know what, neither would bronzing. Your idea sucked too. Can you have them removed? Can you have them moved? Yeah, moved. Can you have them moved to a place in your body that's a little more discreet? How about on top? Stop it. Oh, no. Is that Gonzo down there? You look ridiculous. Oh, that's so crazy because mine looks like Rolf. Would you just put the balls up there or the whole thing? The whole thing. I don't know, it's impossible to just turn the whole thing upside down. That's what, that's what I'm wondering.

I don't want to do that. Can we turn it sideways? There's so many options. I don't want to think that it looks quizzical. I don't want to think these things anymore. It's like when you were a kid and you cocked your, sorry for the word choice, cocked your baseball hat to the side to let people know that you're a street. Oh, you got rally balls. Yeah. Come on, Reds. I turn my dick 35 degrees to the left for you. Come on, Gomez. Hit it. Oh, shit. Yahoo answers. These are Nate responded to this question. He said, I have a tattoo on mine. It says, please hold with a telephone cord wrapped around it. When I get really old, hopefully it'll say something else in between the wrinkles.

I have a tattoo on my penis, but that's a story for another day. Believe it or not, believe it or not, those are my only two tattoos. You, if you have two tattoos in your journals, you are not so busy that you cannot finish answering a Yahoo answer. Nobody's that, you're not that busy. I'll catch you on Tuesday to tell you about my dick tag. Tune in to the second part, click subscribe, and you're going to get the second half. Listen, a witty tattoo on your balls is maybe, maybe, maybe funny like the first time. And then after that, it's just like, yeah, I still have writing on my balls. I did not think this through. Didn't think this through, but when I get older, going to get some wrinkles,

going to say all kinds of stuff. Please kill me. Please hold. Please kill me. Free me from this flesh prison. Hello, brothers. I'm the proud father of two sons ages 10 and six. Individually, they're great kids. Together, however, they fight and bicker during every waking second. Do you have any advice on how I can get them to at least show brotherly kindness rather than brotherly, hurling harsh words and clenched extremities at each other? Perplexed, progenitor in Indiana. This is going to be trick. Progenitor is the way you meant to say it. What did I say? Brotherly, can I say progenitor? You said progenitor. Yeah. Progenitor. Sorry. I don't know what happened to me. This could be tough for us to answer because we were all very docile towards each other.

Not me and Justin. Do you think maybe that's it because it was just two of them? They're not three. Once I came along, I was sort of the mediator. I think that this age, I think 10 and six, it's like a pack of wild dogs and they have to establish dominance. Right. Exactly. Was that really important to you guys? Yeah. No, but I think that's what brothers do. I think like there's a certain amount of, it seems, here's what it is. Oh, this is a great example. With dogs, when dogs like snarl at each other and like nip at each other and chase each other, if you don't know better, you look at it and go, oh my God, they're fighting. But in reality, that's how dogs interact with each other. That's how they play. So I think that this is just the

way that boys of that age are relating to each other. By the time they're 15 and however old, 15 and 11 or 15 and 19, they're going to get along so well. So you got all that shit out. Sorry, do you just want this guy to live in like a waking, screaming health the next five years? Is that what you want? Well, what dad used to do when Justin and I argued is he would like try to, you know, step it up and say, I'm going to just, I'm going to make you guys fight. And then Justin and I would always stop and go, God, that's ridiculous. Yeah, that's preposterous. Yeah, arguing. Punch him right in the jaw. Like I don't want to. No, Sydney's mom, when Sydney and my wife, Sydney and her sister Taylor, when they would fight when they were little, her mom came up with a

game called pretend your sister's dead. They would start fighting and she would drop that one on him. And how it would pan out is Sydney would start crying and she'd say, I'm sorry, Taylor, I'm sorry we fought. And Taylor would say, shut up, you're dead. So you never know how that's going to backfire. But they worked it all out. I think, I don't know, I don't, I never fought with either of you guys, I don't think. Maybe you were so little, we were plotting behind your back really. I remember this one day where I was, I was smarted off to Justin. I wasn't doing my chores. And I think that you were in charge, like apparently the folks were away. And you slapped me. And then I was so upset by that. And

you were so upset by that. And I think that was the only confrontation we ever had. Except sometimes you would get angry when I would throw a baseball bat at you. You did throw a baseball bat at me. That was a pure accidento, right? No, that was a game we were playing. That was taste of my steel. But like, I feel like it was pure accident. And there was the time that you kind of swung Griffin around and like hammered through him. You did hammer throw me like, like fucking truncheable. But we've talked about taste of my steel before, right? Like, I don't think let's do a quick recap in case we haven't quick recap in case we haven't taste my steel is a game that I invented with Griffin, a real, a real collaborative. No, I'm your double day and taste

my steel is a real collaboration. Basically, I had an aluminum baseball bat and I throw it at Griffin, but he wouldn't know it was coming. How would I know? Because I would shot taste my steel throw the bat at him. I was, I was very live though. Yeah, wispy. I was wispy and I dodged it every time except the last time that we played it. You hit me right in the eyeball. I got the biggest, nastiest, shiner anyone's ever gotten. And then our mom was like, Hey, don't play taste my steel anymore. So maybe that's the solution. Get your kids some weapons and let them work it out. Or don't let the commission catch you.

Our mom was the commissioner of taste my steel. She brought it down and said, I'll hit it Lee. Yeah. She was the steroids that taste my steel because she ruined the purity of this. Travis just never allowed to play because he got caught juicing. He tried to up his taste average. He used to up his vibrancy. And I would have taken it and just made it violent. I would have taken out the beauty of the sport. Yeah, you would have made it more less of a ranged game or more of a melee. Griffin, let's have one more Yahoo answers question. I feel like that would go down real smooth. Okay. How about, man, it's tricky. Do you want a creepy one? Or do you want a

more thought provoking one? You know, I like to get creepy. Yeah, give me the creepy one. This one was sent in by Grace Russell. Thank you, Grace. It's by Yahoo Answers user here, who H I U H who asks, I want to kiss Sarah Michelle Geller on the forehead. How can I do it? Who can help me with that? Every night I'm going to bed on kissing something thinking of kissing her in forehead. I also dreamed kissing her in forehead. If there is none, how can I get over that? Why do I want it? Oh, no. He's actually being very mature because he's not just asking how he can go about kissing Sarah Michelle Geller right on her sweet forehead. He wants to know how he can get over it if it if it's if it truly is impossible, which so few things in this world are.

This may be one you don't want to do. You don't want to have to do battle. I think you have a better chance of kissing Sarah Michelle Geller square on the lips than you do on the forehead. If someone came up to her and he said, I have a proposition for you. I want to give you a kiss. One of these two places you think almost certainly would choose the lips. Yeah, not even a question. Yeah, here's the thing and I'm not condoning this action because it's wrong, but you could kiss her on the forehead if you found her, but it would be the last thing you did of your own free will for a while because you would go to your room. But how would you prosecute that? Like assault Travis. That's assault. That is that is assault with a kiss on the forehead.

That would be the greatest court case. Go around kissing anybody you want to. Is that no, I believe that it is illegal. I'm saying I want to know what the actual title of that crime is. One of my friends here in Austin was talking about this this sort of criminal that that played their school. I think it was a university in North Carolina and they called him the campus Cutler. I can't tell if this is funny or horrifying. It's a little bit of both. And what he would do is he would go to the dorms and look for people who were like asleep and their dorms who left their dorm door like open or unlocked and he would cuddle with them until they woke up and like were being cuddled with by a fucking stranger. And then he would like

rubble, rubble, hamburger his way out of the room. You know what's really important in that? The dismount. If you don't have a good one. If he doesn't say rubble, rubble or you know something similar. Hey, what are you dreaming about? What's the verdict on that? I think it's the scariest thing ever. Maybe we shouldn't joke about it because I think he was a student which makes it less creepy. If it was like a sociology professor, that would be mega creepy. If it's a psychology professor, it's an experiment. Yeah. It just has. I would say that that is really funny until it happens to you or someone you know. It's a salt though. So what I'm saying is if you kiss Sarah Michelle Geller on the

forehead without her permission, folks, it's a crime. Folks, I don't know how many times we have to tell you this. It's a crime. And make sure that you get permission from her in writing. Yeah. I don't want to change your mind when you start slobbering on her noggin. Yeah. But if you do get the kiss on the forehead, make it count. Don't do a little peck. You need to be like a barnacle up in there. Give her a forehead hickey. Do not let go. Never let go. That's your peak. You're peaking right then. Oh man. So, me or some superglue on your lips and go to town. Do you want to do this so soon in your life? You know, it's all downhill after you do it. Oh, you're saying like he saves it up.

Save it up. And like get permission from her and then just wait. Just wait. Say like, have her send you a coupon and then redeem it when it's appropriate for you. Oh, and then she dies in like a tragic accident and it's like the worst day ever. Now, why would you do that? I mean, I'm just saying. Why would you bring the cash? I'm saying take your chances now. Kiss someone on the forehead now because you never know when they're going to die in a tragic accident. Can we somehow capitalize on this? Can we put Sarah Michelle Geller on retainer and just sort of like the creepiest kissing booth ever?

Yeah, sort of like that for charity, though. Oh, yeah. I think a hundred isn't unfair. I think she I think she'll set the price point. I don't want to make that decision for her. Do you think maybe we could get like a sliver of it? And by which I mean the money and not like free Sarah Michelle SMG forehead kisses. Oh, well, can we just say like we'll get paid however we choose because I don't. I mean, you want 10% with an option of 5% and 5 kisses. Yes. Well, not me. Not me. I want to leave that option open in case one of us wants that wants to kiss her on the brow. Yeah, but not me. I feel like we could do that without a respective significant others getting angry about it because it's like for the story.

Well, mine definitely listened. So I'm going to go ahead and lean on the side of I'll take the money. Yeah, I'll take the money, too. Travis. I feel like I feel like my my significant other would get mad not because I kissed another girl, but because I kissed someone on the floor. I think she would just be mad. It's so personal. It's the worst. Is she your daughter? Because if not, get your lips off there. Hey, I want to hear Griffin's last question. First, thank you so much for listening to our show. This is my brother, my brother and me. You made time again. If you know someone who would like the show, please send them send them MP3, send them a link to mbnbam.com, send them a link to our sampler, bit.ly forward slash

it's mbmbam. That helps us out a lot trying to spread the word. It seems like more people have been talking about it on Twitter, which is like infinitely exciting and more people who are like just started listening to mbmbam thanks to the recommendation so and so and we see those and we love them when and when if you see someone say something like maybe it's time to find out what this my brother my brother and me is all about make sure you descend on them like jackals like yeah like a hawk like a cock and you gotta and if someone asks what's with mbmbam you gotta make sure to put that link in there yeah just type them just hyperlink it uh thanks to uh we got a new fan bilay Kojima is there tweeting about the show uh lyrical nuisance always amyh uh liquid

paper cut eric the wheeler so many so many people turning out to uh to to root us on join 11 after field robot atoms and the hot and you know if you have oh and uh nano blossom do appreciate rebecca eagle giving us the uh the plug aru thanks rake um if if you're done with our show if this is the last episode that you need to listen to to complete your collection to catch them all go listen something else on maximum fun go listen to jordan jesse go go listen to stop podcasting yourself go listen to judge john hodgeman you're gonna i guarantee you're gonna love them thank you to john rodrick in the long winters for the use of their song it's a departure of the album putting the dastard bed it's our theme song and uh you should listen to all the songs on that album

because they're all very good and if you um if you get our show off of itunes and you haven't been checking out max maximum fun dot org lately check it out because it's updated all the time and there's always great uh video clips and links to like new albums and interviews and stuff like that and check it out and while you're there make sure you go to the forums um and write about the show uh on the thread so just uh you know what it is there it's just uh just a think tank just dig in get into the experience get in the synergy and stuff get in the synergy and stuff hey we're talking about live shows we hear you yeah we're working on working on it i promise it's just hard because not everybody has shared the link to our sampler yet it's really yeah it's like

we don't want to do these shows and nobody shows up because you didn't whore us you know yeah because because you are failing you're failing us and like i don't want to put the blame on anybody but i'm gonna put it on you if i have to so yeah feel bad and stuff i guess let me down devin devin i have a friend named devin and i used that name last show he thought i was talking specifically to him oh shit um so anyway thanks thanks you want that final question is that what you want you know i do uh this one was sent in by nix nimby twitter user nix nimby thank you nix nimby it's by yahu answers user daniel who asks can you grow a rose from the waters of your tears i'm just a macaroon i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy

he's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips keep your heart three stacks keep your heart hey keep your heart three stacks keep your heart man these girls are smart these girls are smart play your part