My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 74: Hey Baby

Episode Date: October 3, 2011

Is your body prepared for the ravages of cold and flu season? Are you all stocked up on vitamins B, C, E and J? If not, you need to listen to this episode -- it has all the nutrients your body craves. Suggested talking points: Contagion, Ectoplasm, Pants Music, Sexy Cops, Bruceaphobia, Tech Wizard, No Phone, 12 Angry Feet

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother and my brother, I mean advice show for the modern era. Folks, it's cold and flu season. I hope you have your your vitamin C, your echinacea, what else? What else is your portable bubble? Your bubble that saves you from infection. I'm talking like a shower curtain kind of like force field thing. Sure. Are you guys ganking? Ganking

out? Excuse me. Ganking is for your well a racism. Don't appreciate it too. Sorry. It's uh, isn't that for your memory? It's for your memory, but that's how you remember to take all the other vitamins. Oh, remember not to get sick. Right. You know, people in contagion, I liked contagion. I liked, um, how early Gwyneth Paltrow left the film, but I think get out of here, Gwyneth. Hey, there's the door lady. Uh, uh, go cry. I'm blithed in his shoulder. Uh, I, I do wish that there had been a boy in a plastic bubble who had risen up to lead them. Well, he would have been their hero. Hey, didn't you and McGregor do just that? I guess in a way he just, he did. It just didn't commit to it. That movie was startling for me on, on, well, three levels. The first being,

oh my God, this is how, this is it guys. This is it. This is how it happens. This is how it happens. I'm sorry. I hate to interrupt. I haven't seen contagion. Okay. Well here, let me give you the, uh, let me give you the elevator pitch. Everyone gets real sick. Okay. Just real sick. We've never been to a hospital. Uh-huh. It's like it made the world into a hospital. Got it. Yeah, pretty much it. The whole world smelled slightly of antiseptic. Yeah. Um, so that was part one. Part two is you and McGregor's head bubble. It's just so darling. He wears a head bubble, like it's like a plastic bag. It's like, you never see American beauty. You have a plastic bag. He wears that on his head basically. He wears that right on his head and keeps him safe from disease.

How many times in the movie do people, um, ask each other if they've been taking their one a day? That doesn't come up. Really? Yeah. It's apparently not effective in treating whatever, uh, contagion is. And the third point is that you and McGregor's got kind of a fucked up grill. Hey, well, how's your grill, Yui? I didn't know because is that, was that movie magic or does he really have that fucked up a grill? I think in every film he's ever made, it's been CGI'd out. It's pretty fucked up and it's only from one side. On one side he looks like, you know, Obi-Wan. And on the other side, it's like, oh no. Oh man, he looks like, um, Grady Wan. I guess? I don't know. So this is our you and McGregor fancast for Brother In Me. I'm your

oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin. And I apologize for how my voice sounds. I have the contagion. Griffin has the contagion. And for people who haven't seen it, I hate to spoil it for you, but apparently the only thing that treats it, more cowbell. I thought I was really surprised. That was the only treatment, that the only prescription that was available to people. There was a run on cowbell stores. But unfortunately it wasn't covered by their insurance, so it was cost prohibitive. Right, exactly. So people are like, dying in the streets, selling fake cowbell that are made of aluminum. This is a triangle. This is a horse bell, you fucker.

This is one of those things with the little metal beads on it that you rub to make it sound like it's raining. A shaka. A shaka. Two of my female friends are moving into a new house rent-free, because one of their parents owns it. It is a three-bedroom house and they have invited me to live there with them. They're my best friends and I spend most of my time with them. My concern is whether or not it's a good idea to live with two women with whom I have no romantic connection because TV has taught me that doesn't always work out well from Gmail. Just a reminder, if you're writing a gender-specific question like this, make sure to include your own gender, because it can get kind of confusing.

I'm thinking it's male. It is a male. I think you're right. I managed to piece it together from context clues, but I had to devote brain cycles to that that I could have been using coming up with a device and wisdom or a cure for contagion. I lived with a girl I was not romantically attached to for a month once. It was in an apartment. What? Travis did the same thing, didn't he? I did it for three months and it's not a good idea. I lived with a couple and it was great. Well, a couple is different. You're a secret third wheel. Wait, are the girls a couple? I don't think they are. I think they would have mentioned that.

If they are, then yes. Yes. Live in there. You know what? Here's the thing. I don't think it has any more complications than moving in with anyone. It's just different complications. Explain, Travis. Well, you move with anyone you don't know or anyone you haven't lived with before and you have a certain amount of houses going to go. Maybe we're going to do things that is going to annoy each other. Maybe we'll hate each other. Will they find it wherever I hit it? They find that thing that they can never find. Exactly. And with moving in with female roommates, there's a certain amount of like

what tensions could possibly be created over a year that you're not expecting. You're talking about sexy stuff. Yes, sexy. And you got to assume with two women, they're going to find it wherever you hit that thing because it's not deep enough buried in the yard where they can never, you know, the one thing, you know, the thing they can never, ever find. They're going to find it. You get two girls together. They're going to go full scooby-doo. They don't even know what it is or scoob it up and just be all up in your shit. They're going to be, they're going to find it. You would have gotten away with it too. That's the big worry. Yeah, I think it could work.

Especially, I think two would be easier than one, right? I think so too. You have to turn off that switch in your brain that tries to interpret things as like flirting. You know, that thing where it's like, oh, she just touched my shoulder or she said, I look really cute. Just turn that switch right off and just, you are like a monk to them. You have, you are, you have no feelings towards them in any romantic way and you have to set that up from the get-go. You do have to prepare yourself for some of the other unspoken things that come up when you're living with women, two women, vis-a-vis period stuff, you know. No, please indulge me. Well, they're just going to,

please go on. They're just going to, you know, they're going to period and when that happens, you've got to be prepared. And with two of them, they're going to sync up. They are going to sync and when that happens. So really, you're saying you're going to live in a place for three weeks, a month is basically, you're going to live in a place three weeks, take them a week off. I am not entirely sure that I know what a period is. I'm, in fact, sure I don't. I think that if King of Queens has taught me anything, there's knives involved and a lot of growling. I think it's when you get, and a lot of snicker noodles, I think. I think you get eaten constantly. You get like pregnant like temporarily for four days, right? Basically,

yes. But with like a ghost baby and then it goes away. I think that's where Casper came from. That's where ghosts come from, all ghosts. Wow. I have never been as uncomfortable in one second as I just was. It just washed over me. It's called the Justin Flip. He flips it on you. I think you're going to be fine. And I think that, you know what? Well, apart from all the period ghosts. Except for that, you're going to be fine. Hang some garlic up. That's key. The other thing is not knowing how a situation is going to work out is not a good reason to not do it. Try it. I don't know. Maybe it's awesome. Embrace yourself for becoming one of the girls. It's just going to happen. You've got to deal with it. Right. Top model. Yeah. And you know what?

Let's be honest now in this enlightened age. That can be kind of awesome. Yeah, sure. You know? Yeah. Girls have, they decorate better. The house always smells better. Oh my God, yeah. You know, most of the better TV is targeted at women. Yeah. Every time I went over to a girl's house in college, I always thought, man, I wish my house was decorated like this. Because it looks like an adult house. It looks like a nice place that we actually want to be. They always have juices and almond milk. Yeah. Sitting around superfruits. Just want to clear travel on the, before we get the emails and to make sure they get directed at the right person. You're saying that the nice thing about living with two women is that it's always clean. Is that

what you're saying? Wow. There's always a hot meal on the table when you come home from the salt mines. Can I say, can I say it? Because it's just a nicer place to be, a nicer environment, a gentler environment. That makes sense. Yeah. I'll let that slide. I don't think clean is right, because I know, I know some dirty girls, you know? I know some, I know some messy ladies. Kirk, that actually knows all the dirty girls. I know some messy ladies. And also you got to think about how much of that apartment, the square footage is going to be covered in ectoplasm. You know, from the ghosts. I think people knew what I was talking about when I said ectoplasm. Do you remember? Do you remember what we were talking about? Like five minutes ago,

was this whole goof? I want everyone to know that this whole episode for me is about period ghosts. Oh, good. So tune in. Go get the fam. Gather around the radio. Go get Uncle Dan around the radio. Do you guys want a Yahoo answer? Yes, please. Yeah, absolutely. How about this one? This one was sent by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers user Terry Banto, who asks, audio chip embedded in adult diapers. Good idea. What? Wait, what? Do you have an elderly relative who needs to wear adult diapers and who is also someone impaired in their mental functioning? My stepfather is 92 next month. He's been wearing them for a couple of years. He's also become rather negligent in terms of personal hygiene. And so I thought it would be a big advantage to

know that his diaper or as I called them, mantis is saturated. That's not okay. Wow. How great would this be? A diaper with an audio chip, like some of those musical greeting cards that's triggered by a specific level of saturation. It can play tunes such as moon river, bridge over troubled waters or rolling on a river, even handles water music. You get the idea. Anyway, when a caregiver or relative hears the music playing, it's diaper change in time and grandpa will not be able to argue over it. Anyone like this idea? Any venture capitalists? And then he goes on to say that this is an actual idea. He's been kicking around for a while and he's not just trolling. I think it should be an, I think the music should be played at ear splitting levels, but, but pipe

directly into the cerebral cortex of the elderly person so that it's blisteringly loud music that only they can hear. So, so that their, their own self-mess shame will be tied to a specific trigger that will just, I mean, it'll be like a whole cerebral shutdown, basically. I think that this is a great idea for anyone who's ever sat around and thought, man, I'd really like to ruin the song bridge over troubled waters forever and ever forever, forever for me and everyone around me. Every time it comes on the radio and you like, you're the passenger in your car is like, oh, I love it. You're like, no, turn it off. Turn it off. This is the pee pants diaper song. The real question, the reason I wanted to read this question, because it's not the typically

the kind of question that we would get into is what song do you want to come out of your pants whenever you, you pee in them, whenever you urinate on yourself? I want, whoop, whoop, that's the sound of the police. That's good. I think that'd be awesome. And people would hear that, they'd be like, oh, you did it again. I think my movie, don't stop me now by Queen. That'd be good. Some of you like, stop paying please, God. They listen to the tunes. I'm, I would go with something in red. That would really upset a lot of people. I would really like, I would really like Thunderstruck, but I want it to start out really quiet and slowly like over the course of a minute, like fade up to a point where anybody

could hear it. So it's like at the beginning, it's so like people would like be sitting around watching TV with me and I would have this big smirk on my face and they would hear and they'd be like, is that, do I hear? I love this because I would, now I want to change the mind to rock you like a hurricane. And so it's like just epic and triumphant. Oh, I want it to be big and proud. Like everything else I do. If I'm pooping in my pants, I want it to be bright eyes so everybody else can enjoy my emotional state. That's where I'm at. Hey, hey, everybody, come on down here with me. I'm pooping my pants. How about anything by puddle of mud? No, sir. No, sir. I do not like it.

Something they like. What kind of music do old people like? I thought that with 23s could do in it. Something with Glenn Miller, he seems to be very popular with the old people. I think that if I dropped a totally ferocious deuce in my pants as a grown up adult man and hubba stank started playing, I feel like people would be angrier about the hubba stank. What if it was like tub thumper? What? Tub thumper by Chumbawamba. You mean tub thumping? What is, yeah. Tub thumpers, they're ballad. Tub thumpest. I like tub tub. Tub again. I have a question here. Yeah, um, don't you get a question? Well, the person writing this, this Yahoo Answers question says it's their what, father-in-law? Yeah. Stepfather? Stepfather.

And the stepfather is 92? 92 next month. So even at like a lowest point estimation, the person asking this question is like 50 something. Oh, he's a grown ass man. I'm looking at his picture and profile. He wants this tech to be in place. He is a grown ass man who's, I would guess at two ages of 50 and 60 and who's like, this is a totally great idea. Yeah. I'm thinking that this guy just got his very first musical birthday card and he's like, you know, it'd be great if that only played if I peed on it. Oh wait, diapers, moon river. But he also uses the word mantis. Yeah. I have a pretty good detection system. If you walk into a room and it smells like the urine of the elderly, maybe change your dad's diaper. Maybe. If your

house so smells like the urine of the elderly that you can no longer detect a fresh cloud of that, move a fresh system, a high pressure elderly urine system, moving into your living room, maybe you should move. But what he is saying is he wants music to come out of his dad's, his step papa's lines so that he, his step papa can't say not my piss. I'm going to, I'm going to take this idea and tweak it slightly. Okay. And have you ever seen those cards where you can record your own message in them? So you trick your stepdad into saying, I just pissed my pants. Yeah. And so then when it plays like, well, you admitted it. Yeah. And I heard it come from your pants mouth. I think it might be time to put all that out to pass.

He's putting them on the ice flow. It's time to put them on the ice flow. He's had a good run. This isn't, that's not funny. You know, Eskimos have 86 words for snow and no words for singing underpants. Yeah. I don't think you should put your pop, pop peeps out on the ice flow. He's too bad. He's a, he's a revered elder in the community. He can't sing when he poops. Oh Christ. What are we doing to the elderly? Can they just poop in their pants? This is the greatest generation. If they have poop in their pants and quiet, they can poop in their pants. They went to that. Your step peepums was in World War II. His pants don't deserve to play Mamba number five when he makes peas in them. Your peepaw pooped in Hitler's pants and now you want

him to come around. Oh, that's the perfect song when Johnny comes watching home again. Oh, fuck. For old people, you're trying. Hey, I'm a guy who's been happily dating my girlfriend for a little over four years. I work with a girl who started calling me pumpkin in a borderline flirty way to make things worse. That's a nickname my girlfriend has for me to make matters worse. I'm a pumpkin. The girl I work with is cute and we are friends, but I have no interest in her, obviously, but I am afraid she's going to do it in front of my girlfriend, put it on my Facebook wall or something like that. How do I gently ask her to stop doing that without sounding whipped or mean? That is from the not so great pumpkin. I have an opinion. Here is how you stop her from

doing that. You do not. Now, bear with me. She's not hurting anything right now. You have to respect that if it's a situation where it could be bad, it could be embarrassing for her to call you that, she will not call you that. There's nothing wrong with her calling you pumpkin at work just because you have a girlfriend who happens to also really enjoy squash. Just roll with it and maybe do a preemptive thing and say to your girlfriend, there's this girl at work. She won't stop calling me pumpkin. It makes me kind of uncomfortable. Then if it ever happens in front of your girlfriend, you can just look at your girlfriend and go, Hey, and this just in your significant other, be a boy or girl, being a little bit jealous, not the worst thing in the world can have its

benefits. Is it possible that this girl that you work with is calling you pumpkin in a non-flirtatious way? Maybe are you extremely fat and jaundiced? Is that a possibility? Be honest with me, are you fat and jaundiced? Because if so, she might just be calling you pumpkin in a descriptive way. Maybe it's a mean nickname. Maybe your girlfriend's calling you that in a mean way too, and you just never picked up on it. She wants you to slim down. You used to be her little spaghetti squash. Fix your ketens. Here's the thing. I don't think there's any way to say it to this girl at work that doesn't sound mean, because like Justin said, she's not hurting anything. And two, what if she comes back and goes, I call everyone pumpkin, and now you just

look like a dick. I don't know anyone's name. Hey pumpkin, listen, bitch. Yeah, that's how you sound. Don't do that. Yeah, because she's doing something that's nice, and in her mind, probably just a friendly, jokingly flirting kind of thing, and you're going to come back at her and make her feel like a jerk. Yeah, and if you do that, here is every interaction we're going to have with her again. Here are those clothes you asked for. Kyle. Yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Just let it go. Let it fly. All right, it isn't nice. And plus, if she was really flirting with you, she wouldn't be calling you pumpkin. Like, that's not how girl flirting works. It's not that overt and just really smacking you outside the face with it. That's probably the

way she interacts with everyone. Let me ask you guys something. It is good to get, call the pet named by a stranger. Now listen, if you go to a bank, if I go to a bank, and I make a deposit in the bank, and the bank tailor like calls me sweetie, or something like that, that just makes me feel nice. You're walking on sunshine. I am walking on sunshine and clouds. They is made. Man, I love that. When I go to like, like a restaurant, and the waitress is like, and what do you have in Darling? And I'm like, Oh, I would like some hash browns, please. I'm disarmed. I like, I think everybody should start calling everyone by nicknames all the time. Okay, especially police officers. Well, hey, baby. No way. Are we talking to the police officer? Are they talking

to us? I think it's funnier if you are talking to the police officer. Hey, baby, do you know why I pulled you over? No, baby, what? No, baby. Hey, baby, baby, baby, tell me what's up. What'd I do? Hey, did I do something naughty, sweet girl? Oh, sweet girl. I'm so sorry, baby. Let me see that ticket. Was daddy speeding? Let me give you autograph, baby. Sir, I'm a 50 year old man. Baby. Give me your sugar, sugar. Give me that. Let me see that ticket. Let me just blot my lipstick with that. I mean, man, I mean, squeeze. Baby, I'm blotted. Let me get that. Put that pepper spray down, sugar. Sugar, come on. Don't you tase me. Hey, sugar, don't tase me, sugar. Hey, baby, sugar, I don't want to go to jail. Hey, open that door. Go ahead, open. Stop my head.

Take these cups off, girl. You're, oh, oh, oh, you're tasing me now. I'm being tased. Oh, this electric. Do you feel this between us, baby, baby? I'm on the ground convulsing, sugar. Oh, girl, I just threw up on the ground a little bit. Come on, baby. Oh, baby, look at my throw-up. Uh-oh. I know you got a wet nap, girl. Come on. Come on. Give me that wet nap. People are starting to stare at me. I'm pissing my pants literally as you watch me flail about. Come on, girl. How many more charges you got in that thing? Damn. Damn. I bet I got a charge for you, little electric kiss. Come here, let me kiss you, little police brutality. Oh, yeah, I got some brutality for you. I'll tell you what, I need some utility. Come here. I need some of that.

Oh, I'm in the car and you shot me. You shot me in the... I'm dying. I'm dying. Damn, girl. You gotta be dying on the crowd right now. Look at all that blood, girl. Oh, girl, I'm bleeding out. Let's get... girl, let's get... I'm dying, girl. Damn, girl. My extremities are so cold, girl. Girl, I can't feel my fingertips, girl. Let's take a break. Come here. Why don't you even blow on them a little bit? Come on, warm me on them. Tell my mama I love her, girl. Hey, girl, damn. I want you to meet my mama, girl. Damn. By the way, I literally want you to carry my remains to my mama for a nice service. Damn. God, those pants look good on you, girl. Damn. I think we just sexually harassed the internet. I'm... I'm in heaven. Damn, St. Peter, you look good, girl. Damn.

Who didn't next week? Who didn't that next week when not a girl cop? Why does that... that... I feel bad for the police officer. He should have manned cold blood, didn't he? Yeah, for speeding. But he was... He was violently sexually harassing him. He was provoked, honestly. That... the funerals are so expensive, so I think that... no, just let's just go to the muddy zone. Oh, a special one. This is a tender moment right now. Okay. So everybody just chill out for a second. Travis, I'm going to give the honors to you, Travis. Well, thank you very much. This is from Alex to his girlfriend, Mitchell. Happy late birthday. Your birthday was September 29th,

and we missed it. That was our bad. That's on us. Yeah, we ruined it. Alex, put this in for your birthday and stuff, and we blew it. So happy late birthday. Right now we're giving Alex time to... well, Alex, you know, go ahead and grab a... you know. And so just real quick, one more thing. Alex wants to know, will you marry him? What? What? She never saw this coming. She never saw this coming. Look, she's crying. I'm crying, and now she's running away. Uh-oh. Damn. Wait, girl, come on. Hey. Hey, girl. No, this is a... I shouldn't try to... I shouldn't turn this into a bit. This is the most magical moment of their lives. They're kissing. They're smooching. So I'm going to assume that she said yes. She said yes. They're so touched. Look, they're buying...

buying my brother, my brother and me t-shirts from xfunstore.com. Oh, they're in exchanging them. So sweet. It's better than rings. It's better than rings, I'd say. Congratulations to you guys. We hope your... your... your blessed day was all the more blessed. Oh, and now when you wear your t-shirt, people say, oh, do you listen to my brother, my brother and me? And you could say, I do. I love it. Thanks, you guys. Congratulations. Sorry we're late. We totally... we postponed your engagement. Yeah. That's the kind of power we wield. Oh, man, I'm drunk on it. But congratulations, you two. Love you very much. I love you. I love you more than they do. Guys, I... go ahead, Griffin. What were you saying? I was just thinking maybe a yahoo would be appropriate to come off

of that sweet, sweet wedding moment. I love it. I love this plan. By which I mean, let me pick the most inappropriate one I have in my quiver. Jonathan, just pull one out. This one was sent in by Johnny Wags, but he said that he found it thanks to his friend, never like that. Those are both Twitter... Twitter handles. Okay. I hope those aren't given names. It's yahoo answers user P.I. Stalker, who wants to know. Now, what I love about that question is there are three different things I can think of that either his fear of Bruce Willis is that like, he's afraid Bruce Willis is going to come get him. Yeah. Or two, he's just has an... like, there is nothing he's afraid of in particular,

just Bruce Willis in general puts him on edge. Or three, he's afraid of what Bruce Willis might become. Of what he represents, you mean? Yeah. He's like, I was such a huge fan of him in Die Hard, but I don't know what's going on now and I'm afraid. You don't know what his next career move is going to be. Is that what you mean? He's shifty. He is transformative. He's like Clayface. Yeah. Or Clay Akin. Or Clay Akin. You never know what he's going to be next. He's mutable. I feel what you're saying. He is going to make Dwayne the Rock Johnson like jump into comedy like soon, and I'm worried about it too. Yeah. Well, he already started. What was the one with Tracy Morgan? Oh, buddies. Cop friends. Cop friends. Cop friends in 3D. Soon he'll be able to take,

he'll get into that classic like Harrison Ford Clint Eastwood phase of the action here is life when he's like, everyone regards him as the biggest badass in town, but he rarely moves it more than like four or five miles per hour. He's like a really scary tank without guns and a hat and a nice hat. Yeah. Oh, don't cross him. People say back in the mid 70s, he kills 30 days. He will glare at you and just make you feel real bad. I remember seeing pictures of him attempting to keep a civil relationship with Ashton Kutcher as he fully knew that Kutcher is just slobbing all over his wife. Thanks for that, by the way, Paparazzo. That picture of Bruce is one of the most intense faces I've ever seen on a human being before. And if it's that image,

I am also terrified. Because now Demi's back on the prowl. Sure. Can we get those two back together? What if I run into her at Central Market and we both drop our groceries and while I'm helping her pick up her groceries, Bruce Willis fucking girots me. No, I think he's totally cool with you, Griffin. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Totally cool. I think it's great, Ashtoe. I'm saying he is Demi's private Batman. Oh, he's not the husband she needs. He's the husband that will choke out any man who ever looks at her. But I don't understand why you're drawing these conclusions about Bruce's relationship with Demi. Have you met Bruce Willis? I have not. Have you? I haven't either. So doesn't it make more sense that he would be incredibly just unnaturally violent?

I actually think that I bet that Bruce Willis in real life is, the best parallel I can draw is like a dad whose daughter has just brought in her first homecoming date. And so he's being very smiley and civil. But it's a thin veneer over like just troubled waters. Like he will kill you as soon as your daughter leaves the room. He like pulls you close and goes, now you know that's my special girl. Hey, I'm going to go ahead and say Bruce Willis has definitely killed a man before. You think? I think he's almost certainly killed a man. You know what I think the problem here is? I think the problem is that I am only familiar with Bruce Willis through his music. So the problem is, of course, you guys know Bruce Willis.

I know Bruno from the return of Bruno. Oh, fuck. You understand? I see him as a musician and a provocateur, I guess. I mean, he's a singer, songwriter, and performer. Poet, really. And I think that that's where this disconnect is coming from, because I only know his music. So you've seen the softer side of Bruce. I've seen the softer side of Bruce, yeah. Let's get to the heart of it, though. What can we do to get over this fear, this Brucephobia? Is it possible that we could start selling amulets? To ward him away? Yeah, like these are Bruce Bruce. Can you make an amulet out of good career choices? Because he seems pretty adverse to those. I think we're big proponents of immersion therapy. Is there a movie where you can

watch Bruce Willis not be intimidating? Because I don't think that... Hudson Hawk. Yeah. I mean, Hudson Hawk's a good one. Daddy Day Care. I don't think he's hinting. He may have confused him with Eddie Murphy, which I totally, totally understand because of Eddie Murphy's prolific action career. Pluto Nash. I do not think Bruce Willis is a Daddy Day Care. I recommend watching that to all my patients. Have you ever seen cop buddies? You may or may not be intimidating in that. I tell you what, I wasn't intimidated by him in Die Hard 4. Yeah. It was basically just him looking at helicopters for two hours. It's not that bad. Have you seen crazy cops? Wacky cops. Wacky cop

buddies. Which one was wacky cops? I get wacky cops and cop buddies confused. Wacky cops was the one with the like 15 minute long chase scene where he was just on the hood of the car saying, slow down. Yeah. Like over and over again for 15 minutes. What was the one where he's a cop with a heart of gold, but also one of the scary movie brothers is in it? Oh yeah. What's that one, Griff? That one is... Last Boy Scout. Last Boy Scout. There it is. Have you seen Two Protect and Chuckle? Uh-huh. You just got served. You just got served is one that is very... It's him and Gerard de Parteux. Hit one of them from across the Atlantic, trying to get his green card. They fall in love. Wasn't he in rush hour? He was in Russia.

During the... When he was... He tore down the... That cold wall. Mr. Willis. Mr. Willis. Tear down this wall. Help me tear down this wall with scary movie in Gerard de Parteux. This is the weirdest film promotional event we've ever done, but let's tear down this wall. The wall... That... The wall I'm talking about is Russia, basically. Right? Can you find Bruce Willis and have a candid discussion with him about your fear of him? Separated by bulletproof glasses. No, no, no. I want you to really get in there and say, hey Bruce, I want you to know this has nothing to do with your career. I think you're a fine actor, a fine thespian, but I am fucking terrified of you. What can I do to get over that? Have you ever seen

Last Man Standing? No. No. It's a it's a Bruce Willis movie where he's like basically a gangster cowboy. Okay. And basically the movie is a solid two hours of him shooting dudes. Sorry. Sorry. Constantly. What do you suggest with this Travis? Nothing. I just really love that movie. Fuck you. You're fucking... We were having... I'm not even helping anymore. No, I'm saying if you watch that movie, it's good. It's a good movie. I love watching it. Wait, hold on. Man, you know what? I just watched What Dreams May Come on Netflix Instant Queue the other day. What is just sterling film? Bruce isn't in it. It's Robin Williams, but nevertheless, this is movie talk. I'm just saying it's much better than surrogate. I'm saying you're a jerk.

I think I actually don't think the term mutually exclusive. I think you can I think you can dislike surrogates and hate Travis all at the same time. You guys watched Top Shot last night? You guys watched Top Chef? They used the music of Bruce Willis the entire episode. It really highlighted it. Hey, I used to think setting my phone to vibrate was much less annoying than having an obnoxious ringtone going off all the time. However, seems like with newer phones, the vibrate is just as loud or louder. I haven't forbid your phone is sitting on a coffee table and it vibrates. So I've come to you to ask, which is worse, a moderately loud ringtone that you have to hear all the time or having it sound like there's a

sex toy in your pocket every time you get a message. That's from Grant in Granger, Granger. I would like to throw out what I have been doing lately, which is if I am in a group of people, say we're going out to dinner, hanging out at a bar after a show or something, I turn my phone off. You wait, you don't mean power down? Yeah, I turn it straight off. Do you know why? Tell me. Well, I love the belief and I was actually just listening to an episode of Stuff You Should Know, our friends at Stuff You Should Know, and they talked about the future of the internet. And one of the things they talked about is that smartphones are literally reprogramming our brains to think differently. So those conversations of who was that guy in

that thing with that girl, like those conversations are disappearing because now everybody just takes a second and looks it up on their on their smartphone. Okay. So I turn off my phone so that I can continue to have those conversations about like who is that guy? What was that movie? Do you remember that thing? You are a proponent of returning to the caveman days where you couldn't remember the name of the movie Hudson Hawk. Only in social situations. Like if I'm by myself, my phone is on all the time. And it's my outreach to the world. But it sounds like you're a Luddite, though. Well, one of the things they said on this episode that I really agree with is if you wouldn't pull out a crossword puzzle and start doing it, you shouldn't pull out your phone and

start tapping on it. I think that it is rude in a social situation. When did the guys from Sophie's Nuggets are judgmental? I know, right? But I think that, man, just turn your phone off. If you're in a situation where you worry about the sound bothering people, like if you're in a movie or at a play or at dinner or something, just turn it off. You will be fine for two hours. I don't agree. Unless your whole family dies in a house fire. Yeah, right. Unless someone needs to ask you a question about it. For hundreds of years, we lived in worlds without cell phones. But we also didn't. The three of us couldn't have hosted a podcast then. We have new technology demands and I need your attention 24 hours a day. What if I need to ask you a question

about our technology show that we have? We have a technology. This is our tech cast. Tech and movie cast. Now, what I'm saying is like, okay, I'm trying to express this to you in a way that you'll understand because you are a Luddite. You've revealed yourself. You love bacon and you hate technology. What I'm saying to you is I don't hate technology. I fear it. There are facets of this technology that have changed our daily life so much that we need the technology to navigate them or will die, which I mean, we have a show on the Internet, right? Uh huh. You can't have a show on the Internet and also say like phones are rude because I didn't need to talk to you all the time before we had a show on the Internet. So like the technology is perpetuating the need for itself.

You can't just put the genie back in the bottle. I guess that's what I'm saying. All I'm saying is moderation is always the best way to go. I'm not saying get rid of cell phones. I'm just saying maybe you don't need to have one like surgically attached to your hand all the time. I am cutting the rope right now. Okay. While you guys are having this conversation because I got bored by it and I instinctively reached it in my pocket and got my cell phone out, I said, oh, there are some ropes that need to get cut and cut the rope. And so I started cutting right. Oh, you are playing cut the rope. You're not cutting the rope from your cell phone. I thought you were cutting the tether. No, no, no. No, no. If I could put more ropes onto it, I just,

I think it's phenomenal that there is a thing that I have in my hand that 30 years ago, it would be the size of a small library. And it also from two someone 30 years ago would seem like one of the tricorders from my iPhone is a goddamn is a fucking is a motherfucking lightsaber. My eye has a lightsaber in it. I am a tech wizard. I can't I can't shake the feeling that I'm a tech wizard. I'm a steampunk. I have to have it in my hands at all times on a completely different note. Just make sure that your ringtone isn't the same song that plays when grandpa pees his band. Oh, yeah. Or else it gets really confusing. Or maybe do maybe that would be a fun goof like grandpa, I do it too. Just kidding. There I go again on my own. This is a young girl that I'm going to

go have a good time with and you rub that in his face. We're going to go find Glenn Miller and spit on him. I think that Travis actually has a point that if it's if it's in a situation where it can be bad, I say go ahead and turn it off. Think of all the internet you'll have waiting for you stored up for when you finally do turn it back on, especially and I can't stress this enough just because I'm in theater. If you go to a theater event, turn off your phone off your goddamn cell phone. It ruins it for everybody because there's always like that one dude who doesn't do it and right in the middle of a really emotional scene, it starts playing some C. Lo Green and everybody's looking around and you've ruined it for everybody and you're just a turd.

Don't ruin the play. Come on. I feel like every theater in the country should adopt the rules of the Alamo Draft House here in here in Austin where if your phone goes off or you talk at all, they kick you out and then they shoot you in the mouth in the street with a gun, which I think a little excessive. Yeah, it's a little much. Hey, I've come to you into need of some sage advice. I got out of a five year long relationship nearly a year ago and have recently started dating again. Good for you. The woman I'm seeing now is great. We have a wonderful time together whenever we go out. So the issue isn't really with the relationship itself. It's when she's on the phone with me. When we're on the phone, a conversation usually runs upward of an hour before she feels like she's

ready to hang up and I'm not always in the mood for such extended conversations. So tell me, brothers, is there a way I can get across to her that I don't always feel like talking on the phone without hurting her feelings or making it seem like I'm making excuses not to connect? Silent in St. Louis. Oh, God, I'm having like a little I'm having a panic attack thinking about talking on the phone for an hour. Like I'm I'm I'm physically I don't know if it's still this way with you guys, but I know that for a while, like the three of us are incapable of talking on the cell phone you are on any phone. I'm so bad at it. With my ADD, if it goes longer than like 10 seconds, I'm staring at so many other things and I'm out, I'm gone, I've turned on the TV, and I'm I'm

watching SpongeBob. Well, you also have raging ADD. Like, yeah, I know that's what I'm saying, like I'm out. I'm impressed we managed to keep your attention for this hour. I've been playing fetch with my cat the whole time. I like that honesty. Yeah, man, like I hate the phone. My wife knows she'll call me, sit a call like on her way home from work or whatever, just to let me know she's she's coming and I'll instantly like, I'll just be quiet. Like I won't talk and she'll say you you want to wait till I get home, don't you? And I say, yeah, I do. I don't want to talk on the phone anymore, please. And when she gets home, like we'll talk, like I love talking to her and I'll talk as much as she wants to I I and we'll have long conversations. It's the

phone. Yeah, I can't talk into it. I hate and I used to and I didn't use to be this way because I could remember being in high school and being on the phone for long periods of time. Well, when I was in high school and I was because I remember doing the same thing and I hated every single second of it. But I did it because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. But then you get a car and then you learn how to drive and you can just go to that person. And so now, like I established with Teresa very early on, I was like, Listen, I don't like the phone. I'm not good at it. But I love text messaging and I love long conversations. So if we can meet like somewhere in the middle and do both of those two things in, you know, either talk in person or

just text message me one question and let me answer it. That's great. Talking in my life. That's usually what it is is like, What are you doing tonight? I'm doing this. Great. Talking on the phone is like sitting in a room with a person and talking to them only you're not allowed to touch them and your eyes are closed. Once you do that, it's like a scene out of saw. Yeah, it's like a challenge. I hate it. It is a challenge because there's so many things going on right in the periphery. What are you not doing that you could be doing? I don't know. For me, talking to someone is a full and this is part of it. I like to get in there. I like to get into that psyche. I like to look in the eyes. I like some occasional touching of the shoulder. I like to get in there. I

grab the head. It is intense. Grab the head with both hands. Hey, look at me. Basically, it's like a Vulcan mind melt kind of thing. Look at me. Did you watch Trotshot last night? And here's, so here's my, here's my advice. I think he needs to tell you that because what's going to happen and what may already be happening is like you see her call and you think, man, I do not have the time or patience for an hour long conversation right now and you don't answer the phone and like that's already planted a bad seed right there. Shine comes off the apple. Yeah. So I think that you need to say like, listen, I think you're great. I really love talking to you. But if, you know, why don't we just hang out instead of talking on the phone or,

you know, let's save all this up because what you don't want to do is get to a point where when you hang out in person, you have nothing to talk about because of your marathon phone conversations. Yeah. You'll use it all up. Yeah. And then be like, so what did you do today? And it's like, well, it's nine o'clock. So I woke up and that was it. That is it. I, you know what? I realized sitting here thinking about it while you talked about whatever it was you're talking about. I, I don't like casual conversations in any respect. If I see someone like, I'll sit down and talk with somebody. But if I see someone that I know in a public setting, I consider it a loss if I stop. Yeah. I like exactly as much time as I can

talk. I've actually caught myself walking in slow motion so I don't lose, like once I've lost momentum, I've committed myself to a casual conversation. I can't stand it. See, I always say I, I, I'm terrible at small talk and I'm really great at big talk. Like I'm great at epic conversation. Yeah. Like that, I can carry on that conversation for six hours. But if someone's like, how's work? How's, how's Teresa doing? I have nothing. I'm like, she's great. It's, it's going fine. Do you guys ever get, you guys ever get into a conversation with a casual conversation in public with, with someone? Maybe you don't know them that well or you don't see them that often. They'll go through the whole conversation and they'll ask you these questions

being polite. And then you'll end the conversation and you'll realize about 30 seconds later, like, man, I didn't ask them anything. What a monster I am. Like I, I will do that to a higher extent where I'll realize I never made eye contact with them once. I did. Yeah. I did not look at them. I was bad at that one. That one was on me. That's, that's a loss. We're going to put that in the L column. Do you guys think that we might be sociopaths? Possibly. We got a touch of it. No, I mean, I'm not saying like we're Bruce Willis level, but we're, we're so, man, what a bastard that guy is. He's terrified, frankly. Griffin. Yeah. How about it? You want a yahoo? You know, I do. Well, I've got five. Jesus Christ. Just read them all back to back to back. Yeah. Let's

cram it in. Yeah, I'll do that. No, don't do that. Um, no, this one's gross. All right. It's going to, this is what I'm sending by Josh Becker. Thank you, Josh. It's by Yahoo. And she's, she's your Seth Wolf who asks, how can I get my friend to kick me? Hi, I have a foot fetish. Okay. And I kind of like my friend's feet. We are good friends. And if he kicks me while he is in this action, I plan to grab his foot, take his shoe off in a playful, friendly way, like saying, you can't kick me now because I have your shoes. Then he will say something like, well, I don't need shoes to kick. And then I take off his socks. And then I take off his, and then I take off his socks and I'll be closer. So I need to know how I,

to get my friend to kick me by saying something to make him playfully kick me or something to get me to see and touch his feet without him thinking I have a foot fetish. So what do you think? I can either get him to kick me, but not be mad or take, or me to touch his feet and take off his socks. I really want to take off his socks, but just touch his feet. So any ideas, but please no mean or useless ideas, please. Can everyone for a week stop raping their friends, please? Can we just stop like tricking people into fucking them? Like, and this is what this is. This person is tricking their friend into raping their feet and I'm done. I can't do it. That's for them for in the, in the lens of their

perversion. That's what they're doing and they're killing me. The problem with this kind of question is it makes me go, which of my friends really like my feet? Is this about me? Who is this person that I know that wants to touch my feet? It changes your whole perception. Yeah. It's like when you were in the matrix, like everything changes after this. These are all mean and useless ideas guys. How can we get this guy back before the internet? This kind of person would have just been that lonely person down at the end of the block that everybody would be like, oh, oh, don't worry about old Mr. Jenkins, but no one would have known that his real thing was he wanted to rape his friends. We are going to sit down in this room, 12 angry men style, and we

are not going to get up until we figure out a way for this man to kiss his friends naked feet. You try to convince me to help this gentleman. I, the, the, the, the adjournment is in session. I am sitting here and I'm not going to help this fucker unless you convince me that I need to. What if he just did it? No. Give me that foot. Just did it. You're like the Judd Hirschger who flips right away, like you just gave in. I'm staying strong. I'm not helping this weird beard. And I know this isn't like the furries thing where I got mad at them for no reason. This guy is being aggressive, and I don't like that. I don't care if you're a foot fetishist who has a willing partner.

This is not good. This is a salt is what this is. This is a salt. Can you rub them? You can't rub them. You just rub his foot. Yeah. Without permission. No, I mean, hey, you, you could get permission. Who doesn't like a good foot rub? Me? Well, me too. Yeah. I like a good foot rub. From your buddy. From my friends. Hey buddy, one joke. I got a good way to trick your friend into kicking him. Tell him you'd secretly like to steal his socks and rub his feet and put it in your mouth. That's a pretty good kick trigger, I think. This whole scenario seems so unlikely. I got your friend would say anything like, I don't need shoes to kick. Yeah. What about socks? That's not a good singer. You never hear Spider-Man say that after a shoe's been stolen.

Maybe tell him you want to play shoeless Chuck Norris. I have this theory. We've had a few questions like this, and I think that we have probably. No, I mean, in this genre of like people talking about specific situations that they'd like to get into and like like the skull one is another is another example of this. I think that there are people who for whom have a fetish, but you know it only, this is how it manifests. By typing in this specific scenario into a public forum, they are living it out rather than looking for actual advice on how to do this. So you're saying if this person listened to our podcast, it would be like a double, double jizzaroo for them. So you're saying like they're writing like erotic fan fiction. Precisely. And we are reading it out

loud. I am slam poeting this person's erotic fan fiction. You are. Now that I've said that out loud, I really like the idea of writing like erotic fan fiction about yourself. Like this is a Travis story by Travis. This is Travis and Harry Potter. I write slash fic, but it's always me slash someone. Me? I tried me slash me for a while, but that was really depressing. It was really sad. Me and Metroid. One day, Justin and King of Queens were at the ice cream store. I love pie, said King of Queens. So do I, said Justin. And then they blasted each other in the butts. Sex was had by all. Oh man. Great sex, King of Queens. That's also my favorite Aesop's fable. Here's the moral. Here's the moral of the story. Neither a bar nor a lender bee.

Oh, fuck. I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first few housekeeping things. This is, of course, my brother, my brother, me. You listen again. So I blame you. I appreciate so much. Everyone taking the time to tweet about the show with the my brother, mbm hashtag. Tons of people on Friday tweeted about the tweet out our sampler link. We gave one of them a an FF, as they say, a follow Friday to our buddy, Brian Minsker. So next Friday, do that again. Tweet the link to our show. It's bit.ly forward slash it's mbmbam. And Justin, may I say real quick, just because I don't think we've talked about it yet. I really enjoy losing the sheen. Yeah. Well, what's losing the sheen? Losing the sheen is a podcast about two and a half men by two

people who have never watched two and a half men till after Charlie Sheen left. And it's starring our very own Justin McRoy and his wonderful wife, Sydney McRoy. If you haven't checked it out yet, go to iTunes and search losing the sheen. It's hilarious. Thanks. And yes, I've been writing a review. I appreciate that. Mm hmm. The whole bit. People tweeting about Kimbo, 2042, Jam, Collie. Who else who's been tweeting about our show this week? Joanna 11. Joanna 11. LGW green. I haven't been anybody else. I stayed off the grid this week mostly. Jeff Paulson. You're not you're not feeling good. That's understandable. Ducklips 5 for 13. Obviously, always super side guy. His wife.

Sean M.D. Cheesecake Jones. That's a man. So always so many so many awesome people to be about the show. It makes me really happy. And I would like to personally thank all the people who encouraged me through endless shrimp 2011. I couldn't have done it without your support. Hey guys, and I look forward to in the shrimp 2012. You realize we need three people to do this show, right? It's all it's funny to watch Travis hurt himself with shellfish. But if he dies from it, like the show is pretty much done. Yeah, it would pretty much be the end of the show. So stop being so shellfish. I want to thank Bob Ball for doing our of course our introductory warning. And I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of their

song. It's a departure off the album put into the days to bed, which every week I can get more people saying like, oh, I'm listening to the Long Winters now. They're fucking great. Yeah, they are fucking great. Guys, I told you that. Pay attention. We've been telling you that for how long now forever. Go if you just go listen to the Long Winters, you're gonna love them. They're the best band. Actually, if you go to to E music, our buddy Tracy Wilson found that on E music, the album putting the days bed or no, no, I'm sorry. The Long Winters gonna pretend to fall is $5. $5. Guys, go buy it. $5. Go get it. That's not the one with it's a departure theme song, but she's so good. It's still worth it. Jesus Christ. Okay. So that's our show. Thanks for

listening. Again, I love you. I love you Griffin. Um, which is the final this final question was sent in by Jacob Locker as well. Thank you, Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers user Gishal. Who asks? Are there juggalo animals? I'm Justin McAvoy. I'm Travis McAvoy. Griffin McAvoy. It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Squirre on the lips. you