My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 75: Everbuddies

Episode Date: October 10, 2011

We were on a pretty tight timetable to get this particular episode out, so it may not be the feature-length epic you've been hoping for. Don't blame us, blame the terrorists. (Also, the gourds.) Suggested talking points: Party Pupa, Homeschooled, Jeans-Vault, Gundammit, Grandpa Cop, Firework, Crocoswine

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? You've got 55 minutes to record this episode before Justin has to leave and go hang out with his in-laws. Where am I going? Did you guess the West Virginia Pumpkin Festival? Because that's exactly where I'm going. That's exactly the Pumpkin Festival destination that he is attending. Do you think I will see the biggest pumpkin in the country? No, it's not a national

pumpkin festival, but I will see the biggest in the state. That ain't too shabby. Tony, I made a hand me that gun. I have to shoot this pumpkin. Welcome to our Pumpkin Slash 24 Tribute episode 75. My brother, my brother, and me. An advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your sleepiest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sickest brother, Griffin. Guys, 54 minutes. Let's cram some fucking comedy into this shit. I work in a law firm, and I just received an all-office email inviting me to my workplace's first ever Rockin' Halloween Bash. Let me try that one more time. Rockin' Halloween Bash. My office has thrown some memorably awkward parties in the past,

but this one by far promises to be the worst. We've been told we need to dress up and there's a special award waiting for the least enthusiastic party attendee. Oh, God, this is a recipe for success. But my already planned Halloween costume is definitely not office-appropriate. I need some suggestions for a quick, inexpensive costume that I'll pass the muster at this god-awful party and help me avoid being pinned as the office party puper. I'm a lady in my mid-20s if that helps narrow down the ideas at all. Well, she definitely doesn't want to be the party pupa. No. Or the party kupa. Get out of here, crazy shell. Folks, when you ask a question like this, you gotta tell us what celebrity you most resemble, because otherwise I can't picture

in my head. I can't tell you a good costume. Let's start off by, what do you think that inappropriate costume is? What do you think she's going as? I think it's somebody like humping an animal. Like, have you seen what? You think she's just gonna walk around with an animal around her, like, on a belt? Then she's gonna be like, get it? I'm fucking this dog. That's my costume. It's probably that, it's probably that kid, that lady that gender baby. That's not appropriate. That's pretty obvious. Damn it. I thought of that costume idea, and I thought it'd be so clever. And apparently, I keep thinking of clever things, like, but they're not clever. Everyone thought of them first. What about this? This occurred to me in,

in listening to the question, do you have a buddy at your office, like a good friend that you really trust? Because if so, give him a micro recorder with your voice on it, and go as an invisible person. And then you just go home. Travis, that's brilliant. Yeah, that's really good. It takes a lot of, a lot of hard work to sync up that audio, but. We need, what you'd need is a webcam with some sort of 3G dongle, where you can watch the action and respond appropriately to your boss's racist jokes. Here's a, here's a cheap costume idea, easy to do that my friends in college and I did on occasion, was when we would need last minute costumes to go to like a Halloween party or whatever, we were all broke and, and, and

nobody prepared for anything. So we would all switch clothes and come as each other. I like it. It's a, you mix it up a little bit. You try, you know, as much as you're, because people at the office will get a kick out of that. I'm Gary. Do you get it? Like I'm just like Gary. I'm Gary. Gary would have to wear some pretty distinctive garb though, wouldn't he? It would have to be like Gary's Ducky Tie, Gary's Cumberbund that he always wears. Man, Gary's a fucking monster. And a Gary mask. And that's gonna be horrifying. You need to cut off Gary's whole face. I live inside Gary now. Did I go as Dilbert or is that like too meta? Holy shit. Dilbert themed office Halloween party. Can you go as sexy Dilbert? Is that a costume?

I'm slutty Dilbert. I'm sorry. Do you, do you mean Dilbert? The way that, the way that tie curves up, don't mind if I do those tufts, his no nose and very, very underspoken mouth. Lack of pupils. I dig that. I'm into that today. His ambiguous shape. Yeah. It's like a, it's like a uh, some sort of squash, like a spaghetti squash. I love me a bulbous, noseless fictional character. People at offices love, oh my god, you know what you should go as Kathy. People at offices love Kathy. Like put a, put a Kathy comic up, a Ziggy. They love that. It could be a Ziggy. You could just go as office supplies and sitting at your desk just start attaching stuff to your clothes. And it's like, I'm the office supply cabinet. I'm, I'm Rachel from accounting that used

to steal things all the time. Hey, uh, Katie, I'm going to take this a step back. I'm going to, um, I'm going to shake this dream and bounce up a level and say don't go to something called the rock and halloween bash. Just like life rule. Unless Dick Clark is going to, unless they're going to wheel out Dick Clark's fucking cryo chamber. That's a hell of a zombie costume. And I've actually Dick Clark. There's nothing they can threaten you with because what are they going to do? Fire you? Cause that's going to be an awkward lawsuit afterwards. Right. Like, why did they fire you? Uh, because I wouldn't go to the rocking halloween bash. Here's the, here's the thing, you guys. I've never worked in an office before, but I have watched every episode of the

U S office and parties like these is when you find your true love. Yeah, right. So maybe you should go Katie and meet that special, special someone. You'll go and you'll meet Mary Steenberg. She'll be the one that you've been meant to be with your whole life. And, uh, you make a special connection and Oscar will be there from the show, the office and Kevin's always getting into something. Kevin, Kevin, what's he doing with those M&Ms? Get out of here. Crazy kook hubby. Uh, Griffin, you want to Yahoo? You know, I do. I got a few of those. I saw some people on Twitter blowing you up. They blew my shit right up with the answers. You said, can I get dozens of them? And they literally gave me dozens, bakers. Ian follows clothes, BC Evans blowing you up. Uh, this one was sent in by

frequent contributor, golly. Thank you, golly. It's by Yahoo answers user Emily who asks, is it illegal to go to class in a high school you don't go to? I am homeschooled and recently went to class in my local high school just to see if anyone noticed. They didn't. In North Carolina, US, by the way, uh, additional details. I live in a town with 200 population. Everybody my age knows me. Anyway, I've been in public schools, uh, before I was just curious if they would notice or not. I think a better question is, uh, why didn't her parent teacher notice? Like, imagine that homeschool should have a pretty strict attendance policy. Uh, Darla Darla Darla Darla absent. Okay. Well, this is going to be an awkward class period. Mommy's getting drunk.

Why first? I think, why would you want to go to go to high school? Why would you better question? Like, why would you just slip in like, oh, high school? Yeah, you know, you can enroll in that shit. If you don't like homeschooling, you can be like, I'm just going to go to school, school, you know, school, school. Yeah. Not for play, play, school, school, school. Can, can she audit? Is that allowed? Can she just audit a class? I'm, I'm sure that in, in reality, in like real people world, all of these things are fine. You could be homeschooled, but there's like an advanced chemistry class you want to take or something. But what you don't get to do is just like, Jane Goodall slip in and see what it's like amongst the gorillas in the mist. Like, you

have to like sign up for this shit. Yeah, you have to go to the thing and because at some point, the teacher is going to look over and say, and you are, why are you here? Why are you standing in the doorway? I can see you. I don't want to, I'm about to knock both homeschoolers and my own father. And I apologize to both parties. But there's got to be a point in your life when you're homeschooled. When, for instance, my dad once dumped kitty litter down a drain in our basement, and the kitty litter got stuck. And so he tried to wash it out with bleach and then almost died. Right? Because of the fumes, those two things killed him. I don't want my dad to teach me chemistry. Does that make sense? There has to be a moment where you look at your, your parents and

you say, no, I don't want to learn this particular thing from you. If I ever have kids and I end up homeschooling them, homeschooling is going to become a euphemism for lying school. Because it's going to be like, how does the sun work? And I'm like, oh, it's a good question. The devil's inside of it. Next question. Are you just going to school in Texas? There's another option. Hey, hey now, that's, hey, just the bad parts where you hate people. I don't know. I know they're smart parts. Yeah. So if you're listening and you're upset, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the other ones. I just don't understand how you have to be very, very bright to be a teacher. And I'm not saying that everybody who listens to this show, your parents are stupid. I'm just saying

that they're teaching you literally every bit of information you're ever going to know. Maybe you want them to like super, super on point with their brain smarts. Like, and I don't think that everybody would possess that, right? Does that make sense? Like, I got taught by like 60 different people coming up. Yeah, right. You got their wisdom. You're like an educational highlander. You sucked their wisdom out. I sucked up the marrow of their brain bones. And now I'm the well-rounded person I am today. If it was just my dad like saying like, hey, don't. You would be a clone of our dad. You would only know what he is. Which I pretty much, pretty much already am, but. But like a brain clone. Like a brain clone. Yeah. And I think Griffin, you're selling yourself sort of if you

don't think teachers are making up most of it. Yeah. When I was in high school, that was the smartest I was ever, like the knowing the most things I was ever trying to know. And then after that, and now as an adult, I know barely anything. I think teachers are just struggling to keep their minds wrapped around the one subject they have to be an expert of. Because they're adults and they can't remember as many things as they used to. I used to know everything. I used to be the smartest man alive. I'm willing to bet that they are reading one chapter ahead in the book every week. You think? Yeah. Yeah. I think they assign a chapter and then they go home and read it too. And they're like, oh, that's some interesting shit. I should talk about that. I went to a bar

trivia night the other night and I got there and they were like, all right, all the questions tonight are going to be geography based. And so what I did, because I was there with friends, was I just got drunk as drunk as I possibly could as fast as I could so that I could have a reason for not contributing anymore. They'd be like, find Zimbabwe on a map. Like, I can't. What's Zimbabwe? I'm sorry that you can't go to high school and muddle with your peers. Can I go to high school? Yeah. I can just kick in the door to a high school and be like, hi, I'm Jeremy. I am in no way an investigative reporter. My dear friend Jason is an English teacher and I just walked in that high school that he teaches at and they let me talk to students.

So I always think it's a troubling circumstance when you drive up to high school and there's like that guard shack security tower and they just kind of go, go ahead. Yeah. Go ahead. What are you doing here? Failing at your job. Yeah. What do you think the parameter is that they kick you out? Like, I am here to not touch kids. I don't know. That shouldn't even come to your mind. Why are you bringing this up? Why did you even bring it up? Hey, guys, I'm an avid believer in the philosophy of waiting as long as possible to wash a pair of jeans for the sake of preserving the color in them. I will often go a few months without washing them. The jeans I wear are usually dark in color, so they do not show food and or coffee stains, nor do they noticeably smell

from a distance. My main fear of doing this is that those who see me on a day to day basis and work setting will start to notice that I'm rewearing my jeans every day for weeks on end or that I am a slob or a hobo. Is this a weird thing to do? Are my fears justified? That's from dirty denim in Detroit. That was my favorite Bruce Springsteen album. Hey, hey, buddy. You're a slob. No, Travis. Hey, hey. No, here's when you when your qualifiers are they don't noticeably smell from a distance. Yeah. And they're dark so they don't show coffee or food stains, not that they don't have coffee or food stains. Well, sure. A man's going to spill coffee on his pants. That's gravity. Well, but third is a few months. Like you're changing seasons with these pants. What I

need you to do, Travis, is I need you to go and watch the denim episode of put this on. You're supposed to wear those jeans out until they until the smell is so strong that you can't wear them. Wait, so okay. Is he saying you're like putting on your jeans and trying not to wrench? Oh, God. Is he saying that like, do you think he means he wears them like in a month, three times spread out over a month or is like every day for a month? I think these are his off court buddies and he's wearing them every day. I mean, if you're going to work in those. Yeah, he's also wearing them on the court. They're off and on court buddies. Yeah, they're just his constant buddies. They're just his constant buddies. They're his ever buddies. There are many

ways to preserve. Have you worn those ever buddies jeans, the new brand? They're nice. They have so many pockets. Your ass looks terrific in those ever buddies. They have little inserts for glade plugins that you can just like slide right in there and then the smell isn't noticeable from a distance. They have a Teflon weave. It really catches the stink and holds it in. But man, watch out when you take it off. There is a visible cloud. I hear people using those instead of security deposit boxes now. You just put them in your ever buddies. This is where I keep my stink and my bouillon in my jeans vault. There are just so many better ways to preserve the color of your jeans. Do this. Try like a cold wash. Now A, wash them inside out because denim's only died on the

outside. Wash them inside out in a bathtub of cool water with a little bit of color protection detergent in there. And line dry them instead of tumble dry because that's going to help. Put a little bit of vinegar in there when you wash them. It helps lock the dye in. Is that for real? Yeah, for real. I didn't know that. All my pants are covered in paint, so I really, I don't know. Travis doesn't own a pair. I swear to God, he's not making that up. Travis works in a shop and all of his pants are. That's good in specific, that's good in specific. Like a shop, like a workshop. Travis is in business. A set shop. I work with my hands. All of his pants are covered in paint and holes and like I can't go out to dinner with him in a

nice place. I actually went and bought one pair of jeans and it has remained untouched by paint. And it is like the holy of holies in my house where like I must know where those pants are at all times and that they aren't touching in my dirty shop pants. Travis and I went to America's favorite water park, the Great Wolf Lodge in Cincinnati. His chunks had paint on them. I can't understand it. Did you paint in your trunk, Travis? I paint in everything. When I started in the shop, I had such like high hopes of like, I will have one pair of paint pants and one paint shirt and then flash forward two years later where I'm just like, fuck it. I just pour paint right onto my shirts. I buy them and then just... It's like flash dance.

It pulls a rope and paint and covers them completely. Okay, listen, I don't know how much your jeans cost, but if you are so worried about the dye in your jeans and that is more precious to you than people think of you as the stinky kid, which they do because you wear cheaper jeans, I'd rather be cheap jeans Charlie than stinky kid Steve. Right? I agree. Get those, hey, right out to Target. Get those $20 Massimo jeans. They're fine. You know why? They're just fine. Why don't you just get instead of expensive jeans, more jeans and get like a wider rotation? Double jeans. Okay, get them double jeans. Have you worn... Have you worn double ever buddies? Have you worn those double jean ever buddies from Gap?

It's basically like an airlock system. They cost $300,000. Your dick will suffocate. They are airtight. They keep the lacerating sample of smallpox in there. That's why everybody's. My hermetic... More or less it's like an iron lung from the waist down. I'm not even sure that we understand the concept of everybody jeans anymore. Nope. Nope. Pretty sure we don't. And one more thing before we move on. I don't want to call you out on this man, but this isn't a philosophy. Like this isn't the kind of thing that you base your life choices on. Like this is something that like I don't think we should wash their jeans. It's not like you're starting like a temple on this. If your jeans smell like hot rotten wood, then like I think people...

I think that's going to inform a lot of the decisions in your life. I feel like this isn't like when someone's like, man, your jeans smell real bad. You're like, oh, I believe in the tower of jeans smelly. That's not a thing. Well, that can be a thing. And I feel like you're totally wrong on this. I feel like that if you say that word, that sentence out loud to somebody, a potential love prospect that they will leave you, you know, and then that will inform even more decisions of your life. So like in Facebook where it says like religious views, you put smelly jeans. Yeah, I don't wash my jeans to preserve their color. If you want to, if you want to really sell this, build a little, put a little portrait of Matthew McConaughey somewhere in your house,

like some votives around it and stuff. Does he not wash his jeans? Oh, crusty one. You are crustiest. Does he have crusty? He's wearing nothing but crusty dungarees. You know it. Have you? Oh, have you worn the everybody crusty dungarees? The double, the double jeans. They more or less stand up on their own. Double crusty. They got three legs. The only way to get in them is to be lowered in them because there's so, there's rock hard. They have to be fused onto you. Yeah. Thanks. They're worth every penny though. Worth every penny. How much do you guys spend on jeans? What's the, what's the maximum? I had this argument with somebody the other day. I don't spend more than like 35 bucks. 20 bucks. jeans. 20? I know I'm going to destroy them is the thing. Like I know

between wearing cowboy boots and like working in the shop, I'm going to destroy these pants in about a month and a half. Yeah. I, uh, Justin, I don't, I don't like to spend a lot because that's how I, as hell, if I'm going to lose weight so soon, they won't fit for very long. I'll say I'm going to be too skinny for these soon. Not going to be this husky forever. But I still shop in the Husky Boy section. Can you shop in the maternity section? Well, no, I mean, I'm not that. Oh, you're saying like you can cinch them up. You can cinch them up. Cinch them with a web belt. You know, you know, you don't have to worry about that with, with everybody's. Yeah. Why is that? Everybody's are, they are molded to your body and you can never take them off.

Do you guys remember in Back to Future 2? Yes. He pulls the thing and he goes, I'm like, sucks up. I want that. Why don't we have that technology? Everybody technology? Yeah. Because it was a movie. I mean, we don't have like hoverboards. It was a film. It was a fictional. You realize that wasn't a doc. That wasn't a docu-drama. That was a, it was a fiction. It was a piece of fiction. It was a, yeah. Fiction. What? It was a, it was a fiction license. Uh-huh. Do you know what a non-fiction is? It was a not, it was not non-fiction. It was fake. It was total fake Hollywood bullshit. Okay. So it was fake like Benjamin Franklin.

Okay. Back it up. Okay. If you see someone on money, they're real. Okay. Got it. He was really one of our, our earliest presidents, Benjamin Franklin. If you see somebody on, if you see somebody on Spin City, then it's fake. Uh-huh. Does that make sense to you? So Michael J. Fox is not a real person. Okay. Are you saying Griffin, are you only saying that people, projects that involve people with Parkinson's disease are fake? Wow. That's cold. That's cold. This whole thing has gotten away from me. Yeah. I, I think you're the one who maybe needs the word class on words. Whenever I talk to my friends about a cartoon, a comic, game, manga, or anime, they seem interested in it. What's up? No, you did, you read all those words.

You did such a good job representing our, our Japanese ties. Manga and anime. Is that correct? Proper. And they seem interested in it. I offer to lend them to disgusted media. The thing is that from time to time I give them stuff, I get it back, they never touch it. At this point, I'm considering if I should stop lending stuff out altogether, but I really do want to share the joy slash hate of these things and discuss them with my friends. What should I do? That's the lost lore lender of Los Angeles. Can I, can we take a moment and say that everybody is getting very good at those nicknames? Yeah. Everyone's doing a much better job. I think that sometimes people spend more time coming up with the clever nicknames than they do the question,

and I love it. Don't get me wrong, but I would like to think that people say they go, I have this really important pressing question, but not yet. Not until I know what my name is going to be. Let me say something up. I think that this question asker needs to be a little bit better to detect it when people are being polite. Yes. That's what I was going to say. You need to take a long, hard look and say, are they really interested? Because if all you talk about is Gundam when you're hanging out with them, then eventually they're just going to, they're going to say, yes, Gundam. Yes. No one sounds pretty cool. Okay. If you spend like 30 minutes laying out the whole plot to Gundam Onoriki B7 party down,

that's the one about the vitamins, right? That's the one about the vitamins that work at a catering service. Yeah. It's really good. It's, I mean, like it's underappreciated, but if you spend 30 minutes relaying the plot to them, they're not going to look you dead in the eye and say, well, that sounds like incomprehensible bullshit. They're going to say like, this sounds like some real made up rigmarole. Sounds pretty good to me. Pretty good. And so I would say good rule of thumb is if they asked to borrow it, let them borrow it. But don't be like, Hey, remember that thing we talked about yesterday that you said sounded kind of cool? I brought it in today. Here you go. They don't want it. It's also really hard to, you got to stop thinking of, I want to get them into

the things that I like and try to think of what, what they will actually enjoy rather than just trying to convert them because it's good. There are many things that are good that the people in your life won't care for. Like for instance, I watch Breaking Bad by myself because I know my wife would not enjoy it. It's very grim. But it's still a good show. I mean, I enjoy it, but it's not her taste. That's how I was with Twin Peaks. Twin Peaks is an amazing show, but I know that that is not Teresa's bag. I actually learned this lesson from my buddy Brent, Brennan Floss, when we were in together in college. I would come to him like when Family Guy first came out and I was sitting there going, dude, you're going to love this. Check it out. And he

more or less politely refused to watch it because I was so passionate about trying to get him to do it that he kind of pushed back naturally. Well, way to go Travis. Well, but then two years later, he started watching it on his own and came back and said, you're right, Family Guy is awesome. And like, but that's the story of how Brent started watching Family Guy. People have been writing in and asking us for the origin story of Brent watching Family Guy. And there you have it. I saw him hear the whole story. You can check out my blog. How Brent started doing stuff. The next issue of the Brent of Floss comic is good. It's going to be about his origins. And how did Brent start scrapbooking? That's what I want.

How do you have any? You got a scrapbook. Scrapbooking is awesome. Look at these, these pictures are everywhere. Check out these wallpaper samples I found. Check out this floral print. I got a really fun, really kicky foam font that you can stick on to just say like winner or home run or top prize or blue ribbon or science fair or anything wedding wedding day day before wedding day. Baby's first gum. Whatever. Baby's last gum. Put that gum down. Science fair. Never again. Dear bubble yum, your product choked my baby. I would like a refund and I will put your response in my scrapbook. I also think not to in any way put down these these media forms at all. But as you move into

things like manga, anime, comics, that kind of stuff, you are less likely to reach a wider audience. Yeah, they're pretty esoteric. And that's that's fine. Because the people that you are going to find who are going to be enthusiastic about them are going to be doubly, doubly enthusiastic. But maybe there's a difference between like, oh, you've never seen the Star Wars movies? Check these out. And like, here's vampire love diary killer Samurai 7. Yeah, because a lot of the a lot of the especially with things like manga and anime, there's a lot of cultural touchstones that you really need to be indoctrinated in before you you know, you can really get the most out of it. And it's kind of hard, I think, for some people to

just sort of get on board with that whole aesthetic without, you know, really growing up with it and being introduced to it a lot. If you want to do geeky, start out with something easier. Like Scott Pilgrim is a good place to start with manga. No, that's not. Yeah, that's a good idea. See, there you go. Get them, you ease them into the cues, the cute little story about a guy who loves a girl and also loves poutine. And you work from there, build from there. But I think good rule of thumb, wait for them to ask to borrow it. What is a manga? And you say, oh, friend, come to me. This is Evangelion. And I think it's also just like anything else where if you

are too forward, if you're the guy who's trying too hard, like if you're the guy that brings something in anytime anyone talks about it, you're going to become less and less popular. So make them want it. It's annoying. What you do is you show them where it is on your shelf and say, it's over here if you want to borrow it. It's over there if you want to borrow it. And then if they want to borrow it, fine, God bless. But yeah, don't pressure them because, yeah, you're right. I mean, it's a weird situation to have something that someone lets you that you don't really want to read or watch. I did that with Griffin's novel for about a year. I just gave it back eventually. Wait, what? Sorry? You said you loved it.

Are you talking about Grand Andrew's Kid Cop? I read the entirety. No, I'm sorry. Grand Andrew's Kid Cop, I loved. I knew I was going to love it. It was one of those, you know, when you meet someone right away, you know, this something special. I felt that way about after first three pages, like I read them. I think we can all agree that Grand Andrew's Kid Cop is lightning in a bottle. Yeah. It is lightning in a bottle. I wanted to save for it. I'm reading a page a year. I know you have to be careful with lightning in a bottle because if you let it out, you get struck by lightning and you die. I hope Travis said it's not lightning in a bottle because I'm already working on Grand Andrew's Teen Cop. He goes around patrolling the area for teen crimes

on his channel. I'm just glad, Griffin, that you're working on these sequels in a timely manner, like every 15 minutes. Oh, I'll be on my, I will be on my death bed working on Grand Andrew's 20 something cop. I'm looking forward to Grand Andrew's Cop because he will get to that point. And then crazy old Mr. Andrews in the house down the lane. If we get to crazy old Mr. Andrews, Griffin's going to really have to start doing some clean living to get to like 137. Yeah. I am looking forward to Grand Andrews meets Paul Bart. Yeah, that's the crossover that I'm doing with DC. Cop team. Man, what about Grandpa Cop? That's a nice little turn of phrase. Do you like Grandpa Cop? I like Grandpa Cop because, well, I mean, that's pretty much,

that's pretty much every Clint Eastwood movie that's been released since the early 90s. Pretty much. I want smothers. I know. I know you do. Was it justice? No, you gave away your worth. You gave them everywhere. I had a bag full of worthers. Yeah, I know you. I miss my dog. Which, which one? You've had many dogs over the years. I'm putting your baggy jeans under arrest. My gun is heavy. Come back here. I'm three feet away. I'm just standing. Come closer. We're making fun of Clint Eastwood now and I don't know how I feel about that. Let him come for me. Let him come. He will. He will come with a swift, swift breeze of death. Do you guys want a Yahoo?

Yes, please. Are you sure? I'm positive. Do you want us to get like riled up? Is that it? Psyched. This one was sent by Kristen Travers. Thank you, Kristen. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Oh, fuck. Siam, Siamara, who asks. This one was asked by Psyduck, the Pokemon. He asks, uh, can you list the reasons? Psyduck, Psyduck. That's what he asks. That's what he says. That was Justin's Pokemon impression. Uh, can you list the reasons why a man cries? As many as possible be appreciated. Um, like a full list? I think you want something comprehensive. Well, if, if it's me, uh, number one at the top of that list is Cartoon Robots. Cartoon Robots are the saddest, whether they be toasters or, or wallies, uh, Iron Giants.

Yeah, Iron Giants. Oh, God. Iron Giants the saddest. Um, and then like a subcategory of that is like any Pixar movie where somebody learns a lesson. Um, that's, I'm gonna cry in that. But see, that's a, I feel like Cartoon, Cartoon Robots is right because only men cry at those. Um, Pixar movies, I feel like it's more universal. I've seen, I've seen females cry at Pixar movies. Right. But like women cry, women cry watching up for the wrong reasons. They don't know that Ed Asner is a robot. Yeah. Yeah. They don't know, they didn't understand the subtle hints and clues that his character is actually an android. I mean, really, they're all robots. They're all kids. Look how, look how big he is. He's two feet tall. You ever see a person like that?

Noop. Yeah, he's like a little, he's like a little, he's like a little, he's like a little waker wave. Noop, robot. He's boxy too. He's cuboid. He was a little servo-bot. A little servo-bot with a dead, dead wife. Let's, when something falls on their privates, or something, something with velocity collides with their private area. I, I would say if anything falls on them in general. No, because I can take a blow to the head from like a, like an umbrella that falls down on me. But if that umbrella somehow squarely falls on my penis, then the tears, that's when the, that's what makes the tears. Hey guys, straight up, I'm going to call you guys out. What is the most random weirdest thing that you've

ever gotten choked up over? I, there is a Staples commercial where the dad is at the store and he says we have to buy all these supplies and they're for the kids and his wife's a teacher and she's like uh well the school doesn't have any money this year and then she sees him at another register later even though he was upset and he's buying some supplies from the class. Oh god. Oh man. I want you to know I actually just got choked up. Just listening to you tell about the store. That's beautiful. I'm getting worked up again. The Staples commercial. Uh, any more? Now that I'm an old man, any Christmas commercial? Literally any Christmas commercial. For me it's that Zales commercial or no it's K, K Jewelers where they're in the cabin and the girl and the guy are standing there

and the lightning strikes and he holds her and he's like don't worry I'm here. I'll always be here and he gives her the thing and I cry because that woman's about to be murdered. She's about to get, she's about to get murdered in a cabin and all of her friends and family will never see her again. I got a call called bullshit because I opened my heart with that Staples commercial revelation and you went for a gag and I had to call shenanigans on it. You want to know what commercials I've cried at? No I want to. You want to know mine? This is an embarrassing deep dark secret. Okay. Katy Perry's firework. Fuck you. What? Wait. Hold on. No more questions today kids. Hold on. One second Travis because was it because the song played right after you won the season finale of

America's Next Top Model? No wait you weren't on America's Next Top Model. I was having a particularly rough sleepy day. I was at the end of like a hundred hour work week like I often do and it, I just was singing at the top of my lungs but saying I'm a firework and it was particularly moving and now I wish I would just have that one to myself. I don't know if it's better if you're joking or not. Like I can't, I can't know. You can never tell me. Actually no I need you to tell me this is a joke right now. I need you to tell me you're kidding. Now I like the picture of a single tear rolling down your paint covered face and then resting gently in the nestles of your beard. Firework. Travis don't ever let anybody. That is true. You are a firework. I've long thought

when Travis McRoy springs to mind it's with the trail of sparks behind him because he, god damn it, he's a firework. You explode. You know what the worst part about that is too? Yeah I do Travis. I know what the worst part is. I know what the worst part is Travis. I do. I do know the worst part. It's the part that it is it. It is the thing that it is. The fact that it is that. The thing it is? The thing it is is the worst thing. It is the thing and then you do it. Like you've heard the song right? You didn't just cry at the idea of it. Like you heard the song. I want you guys to know I'm crying right now. So I changed it. That's the last thing I got choked up by. You guys being mean. I like to cry. I like to cry. Baby I'm a firework. Yeah.

How dare you talk to a firework like that. Do you guys ever just think about sad things to try and get a good cry out? I never, I didn't until about 30 seconds ago. Now I got all the sad things I need last week forever. Um, cause crying feels so good I think. It's like it's like it's like jerking it for your eyes. Forcing, forcing a cry is like jerking it for your emotions. Well have you ever heard someone say that anyone ever, when you hear someone say it's a tear jerker? That's what they're talking about. And now that is not using tears as a lubricant as you masturbate. That's something Jeffrey Dahmer does. Don't do that. Did Jeffrey Dahmer did. I'm sorry. Do you guys know what we forgot

to do last week? Fuck. Oh god. We've got to ring in the new month. Yeah. Like we do. Um, I just, and God time is so tight. Let's just burn through them. Apple month would be appropriate wouldn't it? Yeah. Appropriate. Properly moving. Uh, church safety and security month. Cut out dissection month. Eat better. Eat together month. No. Energy management is a family affair. Improve your home month. Shut the fuck up. That's not a month. You just said the whole, he took a whole month to say it. Um, feral hog month. Yep. Hog out month. Uh, feral hog is a good one. Uh, uh, watch out for that pig. That's pretty much sums it up. The end. Month of free thought. Just shh. It's national chili month. It's also national caramel month, but I would prefer chili,

I think. If you see a web that says holy fucking shit, feral pig, just turn around and run. What is it? What do I even know what a feral pig is? Cause I don't think I do. Yeah. I think it's a pig that was raised that a what like a pig that was raised by wolves. Oh, that's the fucking coolest month I'm going through. It's pizza month. Guys, it's sausage month. Guys, it's raptor month. What? What is the coolest things? Pizza and raptors. Uh, and raptor pizza. I'd like a pizza. If you could just put some sausage and feral pig on that. Uh, feral meat is something that it is domesticated and then became wild. It went from being domesticated to wild. Oh, so this is, this is like people that have released their potbellied pigs back into the wild.

Okay. Yeah. Let's do this. This is a good, this is a good thread. Um, how about, hey, have you guys seen babe pig in the city with a gun? My brother, my brother and me. Hey, that's much a PSA though, was it? No, how are this? Hey, stop flushing your baby piglets down the toilet because then they grow be feral in the sewers and it's terrifying. My brother, my brother and me. It's a little wordy, but I'll accept it. Oh no. You flushed your baby piglets and now you've made a pig king. Oh, the pig king. He was right there. Oh, a pig king would be so adorable, wouldn't it? With all of its snoots and snouts. Oh, look at all these little corkscrew tails. I want to pinch him, pig king. Um, my brother, uh, how about this? Um, why is no one

ever caught on tape a fight between a feral pig and an urban fox? My brother, my brother and me. Man, that would be fucking, that's the new sci-fi Ridge. How else are you going to get feral bacon? My brother and me. What do you guys think of, I mean, I, I, I would know more ways to warn people, like obviously you should stay away from a feral pig. How about, because I don't know what kind of diseases it's contracted. I just don't know how to warn people against this thing if I haven't seen it in action. Like is it fast? Is it dangerous? Will it bite you? I, I mean, pig, what is the difference between a feral pig and a wild boar? That's my question. Is that, are those the same thing? I think a feral pig

is known to luxuries, the conveniences of mankind. Yeah. And a wild boar hasn't and I don't know if that makes it, I don't know if that makes it tough. I feel like a feral pig is just going to be kind of sad. The feral pig is just going to think about the life that he used to have and he doesn't have anymore, you know? Right, right. He's getting bitter. It looks like they're going to be, I'm doing a little research right now on the internet. It looks like they're, it looks like they're going to be furrier. Okay. It looks like they're going to have big tusks. Oh no. It actually looks, they basically look like Peter Jackson in short. You can imagine Peter Jackson with bigger lower teeth. That's what a feral pig looks like. And slightly more charm. Hey, Peter Jackson,

I liked you way better when you were super fat. Yeah. You were so jolly. When you looked like the kind of guy who had spent his entire life directing a Lord of the Rings movie. Yeah. I feel like you're getting above your raisin right now. Yeah. You went from looking like a dwarf to an elf to use terminology that you would understand. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I don't like it. You look emaciated. I want to give you a sandwich made of the finest elven bread. And wild and feral pig. Sweet, sweet feral pig. Is this feral pig? This is delicious. And then I'll look at, am I a dad? It's not, it's not your dad. It's a feral pig. You know there are big problem in Cape Canaveral. Down in Florida, you'll see them rolling around. Florida can't, Florida makes

me so fucking angry the way they treat animals down there. Yep. They throw alligators and sewers. They throw feral pigs out in pig, pig bins. They throw alligators at pigs. They make pig gators. They put birds and slingshots and then throw them at pigs. Crocoswine! The monster I just invented is crocoswine. That's it. I don't have a joke. I just wanted to... He's got the teeth alligator. It is of a pig. He's got tusks and tusks and tusks and back ridges. Like a crocodile does. And he loves you. And he loves you so much. Give him a kiss. No, don't. He's got so many tusks. Crocoswine, tusks and ridges. Don't let him bite your face.

He's got a tail and another tail that's curly or... That's the one that grants wishes if you cut it off. He will give you bacon and boots. I'm going to be honest. I thought crocoswine would be much more intimidating, but he sounds pretty cool. I want to hang out with him. If it weren't for all the tusks, he'd make a great home pet. If it weren't for all those genie tusks, he's like the giving tree of feral animals. Give you bacon and boots with his meat and his skin. And he'll make you sweat penicillin, which is nice. He'll make people think you're hanging out with Peter Jackson. That's unfair because I feel like Peter Jackson is in his scaly as crocoswine.

That's true. That's true. Hey, if you guys checked out my new double crusty double gene everybody vaults made of crocoswine skin, that's a genuine crocoswine. Yeah, they're the ultimate callback pants. Hey, I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first, thank you so much again for listening. This is my brother, my brother, and me as you've gathered. Our website is mbmbam.com. You can email us nbmbam at maximumfun.org, and there's lots of other great shows at maximumfun.org you can listen to, in addition to forums where you can chat about our chat about our show and all the other great Maxfun products.

While you're there, while you're on maximumfun.org, you should probably RSVP to Jordan and Jesse are hosting a great little comedy event in Pasadena, California. If you live in there, you should go to it. They're going to have Mark Maron from What the Fuck and Chris Fairbanks and Al Madrigal and DC Pearson. Go get your tickets now if you live in California or if you even live around California. Chris, drive over. Just go there. Go to there. And thank you everybody for tweeting about the show. Thanks to Thoughts and Such and Nicky the Rat, Always AMH, Aaron Atchison, Emily Perper, John Empty, The Pilgrims, Ham Doctors as always, Shinizaru, everybody. Thanks everybody. And thank you to John Roderick

in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, which is It's a Departure, which is You Can Find on the Album Putting the Days to Bed, which you should find there because you should own it and hear it in your ears every day. You've earned it. You've earned it from me. Oh my god, we're getting down to the wire. Griffin, go. Last question. Hit me. This final question I found. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Frankie, who asks, me and my girlfriend want to have a role playing sex based on the Terminator? This is my brother, my brother and me. I'm just a McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. In case you're bad, square on the lips. Did I mess that up? You sure did. A little bit.