My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 76: Food Versus Man

Episode Date: October 17, 2011

We'd like to take some time in this episode to apologize for all the straight-up erroneous garbage we've spouted in our previous dispatches. Of course, our apologies aren't comprehensive -- that would take the full hour -- but we come as close as we can manage. Suggested talking points: Fill in the Gaga, Raspberry Fizzlespritz, Choddler Boyfriend, Genuine Bieber Fur, Toker Grace, Sad Libs Two, Manicurious, Skittlenips, Frank Lloyd Dirty Boi, Ghostly Doorknob

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome, my brother, my brother, me, where this week we're, we just want to say we're sorry. We want to kick off by making some corrections and some apologies. And some retractions. And some retractions. Patently untrue stuff.

Patently untrue things. I should say this is my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show from the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin McElroy, and Benjamin Franklin, guys, wasn't a president. Nope, he was king. Apparently when you said that in the last episode, he was king. Okay, see, I said that, but I said it as a goof.

And I thought you guys would be like, that's Jay goofing again, and you called me on it, but no dice, he just let it slide. And I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to pick up the trail and say, hey, hey, guys, right there. This thing I just said was a joke. Remember that thing? Let's, let's move on to the other big thing, which is you and McGregor. He wasn't in contagion, was he?

That was on us. That was, that one, that's, that was Paul Rudd. Yep. That, no, that was, who's the other guy? Evan McGregor. Jude Law. That was Jude Law. And you know what, I apologize to you and McGregor.

I don't apologize to Jude Law, because guess what? Got a really fucked up grill still. I'm sorry about Evan's grill. He's got a real jacked up tooth situation. I said last week that I cried during Katy Perry's firework. I just want to correct that. It was Lady Gaga was born this way. Oh my God.

How can you cry during that song? How can you not just dance? No, it was a happy cry. It was just epic. I was born this way. Yeah. As a fair grown male. Speaking of Gaga, she's got a new track.

Sort of a country inspired joint. That's the weirdest shit. You and I, so here's the weird thing about it. The first 100 times I heard it, she sings about Nebraska. Last night, I had a little wine. I'm driving home. No, I mean, I'm not driving home. I'm sitting at home.

And that song comes on the radio, except instead of Nebraska, she's talking about West Virginia. What? Our, has this song been localized in other states? Is this going on elsewhere? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

You're telling me that there is a fill in the blanks Lady Gaga song that radio stations can change? Yes. This is what I'm saying. Is it like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? West Virginia. And Jesus Christ. Like it's yes.

Like West Virginia, West Virginia. I love you. Like that. Like I don't think this is going on in every state. It's a very country inspired song. I don't think she's somewhere like. You're saying she hit the fucking Bible Belt and then Nebraska. Also.

Yeah. Yeah. This is what I'm saying to you. That's the weirdest shit I've ever heard. If other people have heard this song, here's what scares me the most. There are maybe this like read geographically sensitive version. Maybe some people have only gotten that version.

So there are people walking around right now thinking like, ah, Lady Gaga, she really gets North Dakota. You know that that same thing happened to John Denver and fill in the blank Mountain Mama. Yeah. That was a weird song. It sure was. Florida.

It's New Jersey. Look at those moms. So the first version of the song you heard was Nebraska, right? Yes. And you heard that on the radio, I'm imagining. I'm guessing you didn't pick up the CD. Yeah, I didn't. Does the album have 51 tracks on it, including DC?

Puerto Rico. District of Columbia. So you heard Nebraska on the radio. How fucking dumb is that radio, DJ? How's that radio, DJ? Like, where are we? Somebody comes running down the hall, knocks on the window. You played the Nebraska one.

Just fucking play Nebraska. Close enough. So bad. I got to hear this track. Yeah. Yeah, you got to track it down and see if it's... Yeah, I think the original one is Nebraska. I just listened to the CD version that I have stored in my heart.

And it is, in fact, Nebraska. Hey, let's move on to the advice. My friend Kevin regularly drinks Smirnoff. My leg is bleeding. What's going on down there? My friend Kevin regularly drinks Smirnoff. Hold on. You need a second?

I mean, it's like... Did you stab yourself? No, it's just like, I think the skin, from where my muscles have stretched, my calves. The skin jumped off from being so diesel. It's like paper thin down there. It's like super muscly, but translucent. It's like popping a balloon. I look like someone on a Batman cartoon that's been coated with mutagenic ooze.

Yeah, you'd be like Paper Man, Tissue Man. Tissue Man. Tissue Man's so strong, but it's so vulnerable. It was so tender. My friend Kevin regularly drinks Smirnoff ice and not alone, but in public and during social gatherings. We all try to tell him it makes him look creepy and like a pedophile, but all the laughs, he hasn't curtailed his efforts or shamed of his poor taste. I'm out of ideas for discouragement.

He's an avid listener like me. Perhaps he will heed direct advice from our favorite brothers, Smirnoff in St. Louis. Did this person write into us so that we would shame Kevin into not drinking Smirnoff ice? Because we can do that. I'm going to pause it though, just real quick. I think it's better that Kevin only drinks Smirnoff ice in public, because if he were a secret Smirnoff ice alcoholic, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Guys, it's 11 o'clock.

I got to go home and get smeared. If he's just like sitting at home in the dark chugging Smirnoff icers. Hello? Kevin? Yeah, yeah. What are you doing right now, Kevin? Nothing. Don't worry. You've got it.

Kevin, you smell like sugar. Trust me, they've got this new cranberry fizzle spritz out and it's so good. I want to go out on a limb for Kevin and say that if that was really his favorite drink and it would just have a stigma attached to it, I don't think I don't buy a drink stigma. I think you should be able to drink whatever you want. But that drink has the most stigma on it though. Yeah, that's the old Zima has the most stigma. But what I'm saying is that the problem I have with it is that there are many better drinks.

Smirnoff ice is the grossest shit. It's just really gross. I don't understand being able to drink enough of them to get drunk. Yeah, because you get so much. You get tummy rot if you put too much in. Yeah. There's so much sugar. It's basically like you took a beer and then filled it with pixie sticks.

Yeah, you just put a bunch of sprees in there and then all of a sudden. Disgusting. I'll never forget there was a time, me and my friends in college, you know, were hanging out watching a football game, a baseball game, some kind of sports event. And we had drank all the beer in the house and there were three Smirnoff ices left over from some girls that were there at the party the night before. And we're like, well, this is all that's left. And we each took one sip and vomited like right then.

No. OK, hold on. I don't think that stopped. Stop right there. Absolutely true. Did they maybe was it the new if it got flavored Smirnoff? It wasn't like an instant thing. But it's as soon as it crossed your lips like, no.

But like, bros, let's do this. Clink bottles. Everyone lifts the cups at the same time to their mouths. And it just suddenly the room is a is a is a saw film. It's coated in vomit. I mean, more or less. That might be colored by the fact that we've been drinking all day. But I remember it clearly.

Vomiting right away. You're saying that smear before beer, never fear. Beer before smear throw throw up everywhere forever. Yeah. Get the fuck out of that room. Get out of the room. Stop drinking it. Like there are many better things that you can enjoy.

The thing is, you can have a whiskey sour. You can have. Yeah. Like that's good. There's so many. Start there. Yeah. Start and then work your way up to like.

Even those even those can rust out your insides like battery acid. You know what you should do? Like old fashioned. Oh no. Clashy shit. I think this man wants a flavor sensation. If that's the case, I'm going to suggest a seven and seven. That is still my DOC to this day.

Oh, what about a sweet tea vodka with a little bit of lemon? That shit is delicious. I just get a vodka again. Like a boss. That goes down smooth every time. What about a tulip? Like there's so many. No one can make those.

There's so many options for you. Straight up. Don't order a tulip at a bar. It's the most annoying drink. It's like, hey bartender. Get out that mortar and pestle. Yeah. I want to I'm ready for a project.

Let's get into a project together. It's like making an album together. Let's build a blanket for it. Oh, we're looking for something we want. We, you know, project we work on together. So we decided to make this meant julep. Uh, I'm a girl. Okay.

And I've been dating a guy for a couple of months and I really like him. But he's four years younger than me and it shows. I'm 24 and thinking myself as a pretty laid back girlfriend. Definitely not one of these overbearing types. But anytime I try to have an adult conversation with him or ask him nicely to do something, his temper goes wild. And he thinks I'm attacking his character.

Even if it's something as small as, hey, could you please not walk in my flower beds or will you rinse your spaghetti ball out? Spaghetti is a funny food. He always has to be right about everything. And he gets his front high knee hurt if he isn't. Is this something he will grow out of or should I dump him? Temper, troubles and doubt.

I don't think you're using that right. I don't like his dick. He gets his dick hurt. If he, he gets dick hurt. How often is the problem arising of him walking in your flower beds? That should be like a one time problem. Hey, wait, are you, are you dating a raccoon?

So you're saying that what she should start doing is just spraying him with the hose when she gets in the flower bed, right? I'm just imagining some fucking bumpkin, like wearing overalls and like stomping, like marching in your flower bed while eating spaghetti and just like sloshing it around everywhere. And he's whistling a tune.

What an asshole. You know, I don't think this has anything to do with him being younger. I think maybe he's just kind of ill mannered. I don't know why she's suddenly dating Boo Radley, but there you go. I have to imagine you have a cement path leading from your stairs to the sidewalk.

And does he just like, does he take a fucking shortcut through the tulips? What's he doing? I don't, far be it from me to, to pass judgment on anyone's relationship or character, but that's what we do constantly on this show. Yeah, but this is a serious one. Okay.

Should I break up with him or does he sound fixable? To me, you have great taste in podcast, if nothing else. You seem like a down girl. I would not stick around with this dude. He sounds, he sounds like bad news. I think what it is is you always got to give him the opportunity to improve. And she did.

But I'm saying like cutthroat ultimatum say that, hey, I'm sick of, you know, every time I bring something up, you flying off the handle. So either cut it out or this isn't going to work out. Yeah. It's, it's, it's more of a problem that he gets angry when you say, don't walk in the flower bed. Is he like, that's what I do.

I walk in the flower bed whenever I want. I'm the flower bed guy. Yeah. That's my bed. I'm going to eat that spaghetti later. Like, no, you're not. It's in the sink. I have a pan on top of that bowl

that had dirty eggs in it before. You're not going to eat your dirty egg spaghetti. That's a yeah, call them out on it. Yeah, but like, I don't know. How much are you in a relationship? How much are you sort of required to? Clean out your fucking spaghetti bowls? No, deal with somebody who, you know,

doesn't have their shit together. I think that it is, there's somewhere as an equation of like an inverse property of like the amount you, you actually care about them. The strength of your feelings for them is the amount of time you're willing to invest into making it work. Yeah.

So I, I'm not at all disparaging your feelings towards this person, but at some point the balance shifts and you go, you know what? Now I'm just fucking fed up with it and I put too much work into this and I'm out. You know what? The reason he's so, he gets so quick tempered about these things is because you're older than him.

And he has sort of an inferiority thing going for him about that. And so when you call him out for things like that, it's sort of, you may not be meaning to, but you sort of asserting your age over him. And, but I'm going to say this though, if, if he cares about you and you ask him to do these seemingly simple things

and he refuses to do them, he might not care about you in the same way you care about him or he might not know what it means to care. Because if you're saying like rinse out your bowl and he goes, doesn't go, okay sweetie, don't, don't worry about it. I got that. Like I, yeah, I think that a good compromise,

maybe if you don't want to ditch the relationship entirely, maybe you don't live together. I mean, if you're, does it sound like to live together now? No, no, no. No. Why is he eating spaghetti over at your place? Go home and eat spaghetti. Yeah.

Don't eat that here. I got to say a couple of months is not long enough for you to make the spaghetti jump. No. No, you should not be cooking spaghetti for him at that point. That's, it's it. It's a sin.

So I would just let him know that it's not that you're trying to change who he is or anything that you're just saying, hey, these are things that are kind of bugging me. And if we want this to work out, I would really like it if you would, you know, treat my ship better. I think the definition of maturity in relationships is when you get to the point where you realize that the whole point of being in one

is so that someone can tell you how to live your life. I got to that point where I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe someone else has to figure it out because I have no clue. Theresa will tell me something like, you know, you should hang up your towel before you throw it in the dirty clothes.

And I'm like, what? But it's dirty. And she's like, yeah, but let it dry out and then it won't mildew. And I'm like, it's like I've just learned some kind of, you know, like mathematical like property about the stars. It's amazing. But how?

Thank you for making me better. How pants on head stupid do you have to be to walk through a flower bed? Like those, that's like, that's like the tantamount walking through a sandbox full of light bulbs. Like you don't do that. They're delicate things. It's something a five year old does.

It's something that a toddler does. A toddler. Are you dating a toddler? Are you dating a Chandler? Cut it loose. He's too tiny. Let that salmon grow and then harvest him. Chandler, I will smack that smirk right off of your face.

Clean that spaghetti out. Chandler, come get your spaghetti while you're left at the flowers again, you pumpkin. You goofy. You big goof. I love you. I'm sorry. I love you.

Hey, Yahoo Answers. Yeah. This one. So you learned it. Uh, this one was sent in by Galleale. Thank you, Galle. It's by Yahoo Answers user Marco who asks, girlfriend wants a lock of hair.

Where to get one? I need a birthday gift for my girlfriend by January. And she says that she will dump me if I can't find her a lock of Justin Bieber hair. Oh, no. It costs $40,000 at auction. And my only option to get a lock of the golden hair is either to steal it from a museum.

Fucking oceans alone. Cut it off. Cut it off. Justin Bieber also risking serious legal trouble. Is there any way I can acquire that golden hair so that I can appease my girlfriend so she doesn't dump me? How about cutting off a Yorkshire terrier? And then say, this is genuine Bieber fur.

Or cut off some of the genuine's hair. What's he doing? I was almost about to create another retraction for us where I would name an R&B song that I'm positive genuine didn't sing. Yeah. And then we have a whole other situation on our hands. What about this? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I thought you said Justin long. You're a PC and I'm embarrassed. I think she's going to know, right? She's going to know if you try to pull a fakie on her. You got to get the real, the real. She knows what his hair smells like. How can you, I just watched a few weeks back the documentary Never Say Never, which no joke is a goddamn revelation.

Um, if you haven't seen it, Netflix it, do whatever you need to do to get your eyes on this movie. Because it will make you look at this young, uh, ingenue in a whole new light. But how do we get that hair off that sweet head? Maybe just. I'm sorry. Wait a minute.

Did you, was there a point of that digression other than you wanting to pimp Justin Bieber's movies on our show? I mean, I saw, I saw. You guys know, you should check this. This is a preface. This is a preface. Sidebar. I'm saying he seems like a very nice young boy.

And I think he likes to just pal around with his friends. He likes to, ooh, that's your, that's your in. You got to go to Manitoba or, or whatever Canadian province he lives in. And you got to become his bud. And you got to like shoot hoops with them and like bro out. Hey Justin, who's this 36 year old dude you're hanging out with? I don't know. He just wanted to shoot hoops and then he cut my hair.

I, yeah, I hope this 36 year old man isn't dating somebody who wants a lock of Justin Bieber hair because that either means that she's an insane person or she's 14. You, you realize that like, that's how his like fan base works. It jumps from like 16 year old to like 46 year olds. No, no, no, no. Yeah. The last.

And Griffin, 16 year old, 46 year old and Griffin. About half of Justin Bieber's fan base. The last person they obsessed ever was Jonathan Brandes from Sequest. There's a big, there's a big gap there. He's the next best thing since River Phoenix. He's like, he's like today's Rob Lowe. Nah, just kidding ladies. Rob Lowe is today's Rob Lowe.

Yeah, but you ever. Will he ever age? Nope. Some of us are trying to live out here, Rob. How do you expect us to be what we be when you're around? How could we do what we do with Rob Lowe is just out there making the curve up. He makes it so hard.

In the documentary, it goes around. Good concerts. Listen, I'm the one that's best fucking suited to answer this question. So if you want to hate on me because I'm so well informed and that's fine. I can take it. Every show he does, he brings on that special someone during his song. I believe it's somebody to love. I'm not sure, but he brings a sweet, a special lady on stage.

And that special gets to sit in a chair while he dances around her and gives her flowers. So you're going to have to find a lady that can get up on stage because that's the closest you can get to Justin Bieber without like five layers of security guards between you. It's a shame that he does it during that song, as opposed to girl, Holt the Scissorby, stand real still. Can you imagine if you leaned in to like snip off a lock of his hair and he shook his head at an inopportune time and he was blinded, Justin Bieber. Tragedy stuff today.

Justin Bieber's new album is so edgy. It's probably because of the iPads. It's probably because of the Cybertronic Eye. What if you cut his hair and all of a sudden he starts singing like Carol Channing? Turned out the whole time. Samson like this part is belt out the sweet melodies is up there the whole time. I can see that. No.

And then the devil appears and says, we had a deal, Bieber. He's just dragged into like, you know, the cave of wonders and he's gone. Make a deal with the devil for some of Justin Bieber's hair. Like I feel like we're giving this guy so many options. How much we charge? You're saying he enters into a contract with Bill's above. He's just saying he sells his soul. It's important.

This is only if he accidentally cuts Justin Bieber's hair, thereby nullifying the deal Justin Bieber made with the devil for his singing talent and forcing the devil to drag but Justin Bieber to hell. At that point, Justin Bieber will be under the possession of Beelzebub so he can trade for Bieber's hair. I mean, as long as we're shooting for the stars, why isn't he trying to find like a being John Malkovich sized door and climb into Justin Bieber's hair and mail some hair to himself? Cut his own hair off and milk Travis.

Come on. I mean, come on. Let's just jump the shark here and go for it. We need to take the perfect idea. We need to fucking occupy Justin Bieber. Have you guys heard about that new protest? Occupy Justin Bieber. Yeah, it's all about just getting right in him.

You know, 99% of Justin Bieber is controlled by one Justin Bieber. Yeah. The problem with the Justin Bieber door is that it's actually in Justin Bieber's house. So, good luck. I mean, I watched the documentary. I know where his house is. Oh, we're doing this again? Cool.

Let's just backtrack to talk about his film. Are you guys pretending like you haven't seen it? How many stars would you give it? Out of how many stars? Bieber. On a scale of zero stars to Bieber, I would give it to Jonas Brothers. Sounds fair. Yeah.

So not perfect, but not bad either. It's informative as fuck and it's in 3D, which is great, because they really don't take much time to... They really don't pay much attention to the 3D aspect of the film, except at the end, when he does the song Never Say Never, he does this whole pump-up speech about how he came from nothing, and now he's this big, big star and anyone can do it and follow your dreams and make sure that you never say never, and the words never say never appear,

like they fly into the screen in three dimensions. I'm so sad right now. It's fucking incredible. What's your favorite Justin Bieber song, Travis? Shut up, Griffin. What is it? I don't know anything about Justin Bieber. You don't know any of his songs?

Nope. I feel like you're being... He did Baby, right? Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. Yeah, there are other words in it. Just then, just then. There are other words in it than that one, Just? The only song I know is...

I know that because it was on a commercial about a Justin Bieber doll with real hair. There it is. The next best thing. Yep. Is this a real product or are you... It is. That is a real product. It's a Justin Bieber doll and it's got real hair on it and you can get his full...

I don't think it's real Justin Bieber hair, but it's like real hair from somebody. Can you imagine Justin Bieber, he's like got to take a month off his tour to become a hair farm? I don't... I like cage-free Bieber hair is what I prefer, I think. He drinks freckled juice and it just all goes crazy. He's got hair everywhere. Oh, God.

What a reference. I know. Justin, what's your favorite Justin Bieber song? My favorite Justin Bieber song? Don't say baby because Travis already said that one. No, I didn't say it was my favorite. I said it was the only one I need. So your favorite then.

I think Pussy Control. Okay. His cover of Pussy Control? Yeah. Well, he wrote it with Prince. I didn't know that. Yeah. I don't think Justin Bieber knows what a pussy is yet.

Have you seen his haircut? I'm pretty sure he's an expert on being a pussy. Oh, Justin. That wasn't on the show, right? That's just a wrap-in. I'm going to need to form my brother and my brother and me, Justin Bieber Defense Force. Okay.

That's cool. We'll finally get some traffic on Google. Okay. Hooray. Finally get some traction. Can we become the official Bieber cast? Yeah. There's probably no other online resources dedicated to him.

Preserving his memories. He's pretty underground at this point. I want to be the go-to internet destination for Justin Bieber Goofs. Can you create a groundswell grassroots Bieber fan club to support him so you can basically be on, he's going to fall off in popularity and then there will be an inevitable resurgence.

Can you be the underground groundswell grassroots fan club for his inevitable resurgence? So, let's start when, as soon as we're done with this episode, I will start the Occupy Bieber hashtag. I actually already used the Occupy Justin Bieber hashtag earlier in the week, so. Under what pretense? That if they wanted the Occupy Wild Street thing to

trend on Twitter, they should call Occupy Justin Bieber. Did you really say that? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, check the hashtag. It's crazy. Hey, do you have any advice for coping with stress? How to make sure your relationship stays strong during

stressful times? I just started law school and my girlfriend is in her last semester of undergrad. It works two jobs and is preparing for graduate school. As should be playing, we both have lots of stress in our lives and sometimes it seems overwhelming. Haven't had a romantic date night in over a month. Do you guys have any wisdom for keeping this spark alive

during these rough times? Stressed student in St. Louis. Take it. I personally feel like the most important thing is to remember that they are not an outlet for your stress. They can be a sounding board for when you're having a bad day, but they are not the cause of your stress and therefore you shouldn't unload it on them.

Or how do they get rid of it then? How do they get rid of it? You can talk to them about it, but I'm saying talking about it is different from snapping at them and taking it out on them. In my experience, my limited experience, the most important thing is boundaries. When you're with the person, be with them a hundred percent. Because you could be surprised, even if you don't have time for a

romantic date night, you would be surprised at how much you can connect in like a half hour of just exclusively looking at each other, talking not about work or anything else. Not even eating, just doing exactly that. Just mindless staring. Yeah, just staring at each other. Slack jawed. Yeah, I mean, and so when you're doing that, be doing that.

Don't try to be doing a bunch of other things, put the funds away and just do that for a few minutes. I would suggest that whenever you two do have free time to spend together, you relax and just hang out together in a room with some good buds at the microphone. Do you mean some of their friends? I mean, those friends? If you're trying to get rid of some stress, maybe you should hang out with some good buds. Are you saying like their friend Mary Jane?

I'm saying like their friend, Toker Grace. I'm so confused. Reefers Sutherland. Okay, wait. I'm talking about that dank ur... I'm talking about that kind gange. You mean some of that Ashton Kooch. Don't do that though.

Sweet marijuana? Is that what you're talking about? Canvas, yeah. But don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. I said that. We just get really drunk.

I said that in remembrance of you. Hey, find some. Just let me know where to buy it. I'm dirty. I don't know. And we are not cops. We're not cops. We're brothers.

Because I am. I am Johnny Cash over here. I need some. I need some of that kind. Kind herb. I am George Jonesen. Shut up. Hey, you know, if I were to buy all this weed, I'm going to need some money.

Travis, who is this message for? This message is for Rob Starbin. All right, Rob Starbin. Who is it from? It's from Allegra, Alexis, Paige, Wes, and Brub. You guys are excited. Hey, happy 32nd birthday, Rob. There's 10 exclamation points.

That's how it sounds. Griffin, real quick, give me the highlights of Rob. What's Rob into? Rob? What's Rob all about? I hear Rob's into video games and board games, all kinds of games. He's into cats, his cats specifically. He likes the Mets.

He likes the Gamers with Jobs podcast and website. It's a website, too, right? Sure, yeah. He likes AB's music and, of course, my brother, my brother, and me. Thank you, Rob. Rob sounds like a down guy. You know what I like about Rob? The many, many pronunciations you can apply to his last name.

Yeah. Starobin. Starobin. Starobin. There's just so many options. There's a lot of options. Happy birthday, Rob. I got to tell you guys, different ways of pronouncing Starobin

is going to be one of our classic bits. Uh-huh. Put it on the sand. I think that's one people are really going to treasure. It's like they're going to forget all about that peepum stuff and crocuswine. Forget that. Crocuswine.

And there was this one part where he said Starobin. One guy was like, it was awesome. Rob Strusel. Happy birthday, my friend. Happy birthday, Sturmie. If you want us to make fun of your last name, get on the Jumbotron. It's maximumfun.org.

Ford slash Jumbotron. Give us some money and we'll give you some fame. Um, you know, I was a special president to Rob. I wrote him a little something. Fuck, really? Are you doing this again? I've written a magic book. Oh, fuck, no.

No. Everybody's seen it like it so much last time. Yeah, guess what? I'm going to edit it right out of the show. But I wanted to give the people what they want. Is this what the people want? Can we put up a fucking straw poll? I feel like this is what the people, they crave.

They crave that crazy crunch. I feel like people out there crave, like, me and Griffin being angry at you. That's also possibly true. Travis, the last time you did this, after I read the last one, it was so bad that I almost got bone cancer. That's bad. He would have had to go get some of Bieber's marrow to cure him.

Is that what you want? Sort of. Okay. All right. Well, Travis, I'm not reading your stupid thing. Yeah, if it makes you guys feel better, I will read this one. You're going to read it like a dummy, though. No, I'm going to read it so good.

Do a good job. You have a reading voice that makes you sound so precious. Oh, thank you. Like the movie? Okay, here we go. Take it away, Gabriel. Hey, hey, hey. It was a moist and stormy dongle.

The bulky maid was in the conservatory with the wonderful botanist playing the savory flugelhorn. Suddenly, the cacophony was interrupted by the hullabaloova chocolate wazoo. Corporal Buffalo recently returned from his voluptuous tour of the lumpy Madagascar, was flabbergasted. He swung his girth around the unfathomable piano, only to find that the rat king had been crunchetized.

Fiddlesticks yelled the corporal, what humpardink has snogged my bountiful rat king? Cool your paella, ricocheted Professor Pumbanickel. Oh, fuck. Your hubris could outweigh fraggle rock. Now stop being such a harbinger, and come try these totes delicious crepes. Excelsior decreed Madame Jambalaya,

and a moist time was had by her. God damn it. God damn it. Watching a man die in front of me. It's like watching a man bleed out. It's like watching the last Native American bleed out in front of me. The last of his people.

It's like watching them die in front of me. That's the level of sadness that your mad libs ring me. God damn it. Pay everybody else to like them. No, they didn't, Travis. Stay. No, they didn't.

Travis, there's maybe this bit might make the show friendly to four-year-olds who find words like Pumbanickel's still amusing. Travis, if those cheese eaters knew what should be in a podcast, they'd be making our god damn podcast. I don't know what should be in it. I've read rat king and fraggle rock and crunchetized. It makes the people happy.

Don't you say those fucking words again. I'm outlawing every word you just said for this podcast forever. You kill those words for me. I can't say it was a moist and stormy. Travis, I fucking, I fucking, I will hang up on you. There's nothing funny about it. There's nothing funny about it.

You love it. You love it so much. It's opposite of comedy. If you're my bones, throbbing with cancer. You know, it was a wise man who once said that comedy is mad libs plus time. So in like three weeks, you'll go back and listen to this and you will be laughing your butts off.

It's mad libs minus mad libs plus dick jokes. Can we get back to our core competency? Yeah. Sorry that we ruined your birthday, Rob. Hey, Rob. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Mr. Staribi.

I'm a mid-20s guy. Lately, I've been thinking about getting manicured. I keep hearing people talk about how relaxing they are and how good they feel. I know that some guys get them, but I just can't quite bring myself to get one. Is it worth the certain ridicule for my friends to give this a shot?

Or will my man card be permanently in jeopardy if I go through with it? Man curious in the Midwest. It's man. You know what? I feel like, let's make sure. Manicurious. Manicurious.

Not manicurious. Manicurious. I say, you do it. Do it. Treat yourself. Hands up. Hands up. Who on this podcast has gotten a manicure before?

Hands up. I have. I have. It's glorious. It feels great, right? It's like a massage. Are you fucking with me right now? No.

Here's the thing about it. I think that society needs to swing back to the 50s. Like this idea of when dudes were like suits and hats all the time, classy as shit. We have turned into this grungy asshole world and I want to get back to you. A beautiful world. When it was more respected that you took care of yourself.

Justin, you've never known the thrill of having shiny fingernails? It's fucking exhilarating. You feel like a new man. It's a confidence builder. You're like, yeah, I'm better than you because of this thing I've done. I don't think that's true.

I don't have a problem with it if you guys want to, you want to do, I live in West Virginia. I can't have shiny fingernails. I'll be run out of town on the rail. Shiny fingernails are like a flag that says I've risen above the rabble. Yeah. It is like shiny finger armor.

It is. It's like shiny finger armor. That keeps away the bad feelings. I feel like if everyone got manicures, then there wouldn't be such a, there wouldn't be class warfare going on right now. Everyone would be upper class. Yeah, because we'd all be rich.

Because we could afford someone. Well, that being said, we'll make a really awkward conversation. It's on the job site. They're like, hey, Frank, what'd you bring for lunch? Oh, that's cool. Can I just say your fingernails look fabulous? They look delectable.

It feels great. It looks great. Do it. Get it done. Yeah. And if your friends give you shit, just be like, hey, it's because I'm classier than you. Yeah, don't be jealous of my class.

There is something cool about a guy that can own that look. Yeah. That you can get a manicure and just own it. Can I ask you guys seriously, what does a person pay for something like that? I got it done by a friend. What? I got it done by a friend.

It wasn't a license to manicures. 30, 35 bucks. Fuck you. What? Yeah, but you get it done like once. And if you're growing really nice, you can get it done for like 20. It's a luxury.

Yeah. It's not something you get done like every day. Do you get your shoes shined? Do you get massages every day? No. It's a luxury item. Travis, have you ever turned a homeless person down when they asked for you for money?

Well, yeah. All the time. Okay. So next time you do that, I want you to look at them dead in the eye and say, sorry, bro, I gotta have the shine. Can you give that person $20 to rub a rough pad over your fingernails until the grime comes off?

So you're saying that we need to mobilize our homeless and make them like a manicure army? That's exactly what I'm saying. A manicure, a mobile army of manicures? Of Manny Petty. Don't be afraid to be who you are. If you're the kind of person that wants to have beautiful, pristine fucking Gina Davis hands,

then you should be, you shouldn't be afraid to get those Gina Davis hands. You know what, Griffin? I think you've reminded me of something, and it's a debate I've gone through with myself for a long time about getting a motorcycle. And I would love to be the type of person that rides a motorcycle,

but I often have to think, am I the type of person that would like to ride a motorcycle or am I the type of person that should ride a motorcycle? That's stupid. Well, I think that's what you have to ask yourself is, am I the type of person that thinks it might be fun and weird or am I the type of person that is a manicure person? Because if you are a manicure person,

your friends aren't gonna give you shit about it. If it is incongruous with your personality, you're gonna give shit about it. Right. Yeah, that's a fair point. Like, have you built up enough of a persona that you could carry that you could pull that off? I think that's horse-up.

I think you need to reinvent yourself as frequently as you possibly can. I think, guess what? If you go get a manicure, a manicure, if you go get a manicure and you love how it feels and you say, I'm gonna keep doing this, then guess what? You're the type of person who gets a manicure.

Don't be so excited about it. No, I'm not saying not to do it. I am saying that that is what makes people respond to it in a mocking way, is that it's incongruous with you or the image of you they have in their heads. Yeah, but that means that that person never gets to do any new stuff if they're gonna live in fear of that perception. No, I'm just saying be braced for that.

And that's why they're mocking you. Well, yeah, I could tell this dude, if you go get a manicure, people are going to make fun of you. Like, yeah, for show. But what I'm saying is not because there's anything wrong with it, but because they're surprised by it. It's like how some guys can wear a hat. You're a hat guy or manicure guy.

Yeah, I get it that. I'm not sure you're right, but I certainly understand what you're saying. Justin, I'm almost positive I'm right. Homework is time for Justin. I want you to go get a manicure sometime this week. Yeah. I'm serious. I want you to know what it feels like.

I'm gonna do it because I have paint in my cuticles that I just cannot get out. Can I be honest with you? I'm kind of afraid that they'll make fun of the finger that the heebie fell on. Oh, don't worry about it. That's so weird. That's your special special spatula finger. Okay, well, I'm just afraid they'll make fun of me.

Sweetheart, that's my favorite finger. I've been living my life with a handicap for 20 years. Let me see it. Oh, that's your lucky finger. It looks really bad. Oh, stupid. No, it doesn't. It's just a little flat.

They're going to hate it. No. No, that's your flat Stanley finger. That's your flat Stanley finger. I hate my finger. Then I hate them. It only has half a nail and it has a big scar on the back. Hey, hey.

Who's my special guy? Terrible finger. That's why I can't play guitar. Who's my special guy? I guess I am. With you. With you. Griffin, will you real?

Yahoo! And cheer me on. Manhole cover finger. Okay. This Yahoo! answer was also sent by Golly A. Olly. It's by Yahoo! answers user Patrick, who asks, I have tiny nipples.

How can I improve their size? You go obvious, tattoo. I get made fun of at school for the size of my nipples. Please help. Wait, what? Yeah. How often are you setting yourself up for that? Yeah.

What's up, Skittle Nips? Yeah, does that happen like every day? Yeah. I mean, where'd your nipples go? Sweet. Nice, bro. High five. I mean, tattoo, there's the, the...

Are you saying tattoo bigger nipples on your nipples? Tattoo bigger nipples on your nipples. It won't fit. Oh, that's my secondary, Ola. I have rings. What if you just went old fashioned and just went for like tassels? Oh, that's not bad. I like pasties, maybe.

Yeah. Pasty, fake. Where do you buy fake nipple pasties at? Pasties that look like bigger nipples than the nipples you have. What about the Spencer's gifts? Always the junior contingency, just get pregnant. Oh. Yeah.

Does that make your, does that make your nipples bigger? Yeah, when you're a nurse. Yes, makes them bigger and from what I've heard purple. Oh, man. I know. Yeah, it just ruins them. That whole situation, F'd up. Yeah, it looks like a coca-cola faucet in there.

It's disgusting. What is that even? Maybe just constantly give yourself purple nipples. I get someone to nurse on you, but you don't have to be pregnant. Can that just be a thing? Oh, so you're talking about nipple hickeys? Yeah. Oh, man.

Are you sad now? I was sad before. He was born this way, baby. Can we, can we put these nipples in some sort of rack, stretch them right out? So you're not talking about like size, you're talking about length. No, no, no. I'm saying side to side. Uh-huh.

Okay. Like a taffy pulling machine. Yeah, some sort of taffy machine. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Um.

That's a ticket. A taffy machine. How do you, this has to be an issue, right? Because this is, not all nipples are made equal. Some are, some are weird. And it sounds like these are, if they're so small that people are making fun of them, we're talking about fucking dimes. We're talking about some, we're talking about some minuscule nippies.

What about just like the power of positive things, like mind over matter? Have you read the secret? The secret to big nipples. The secret to dilating those nips. There have to be some sort of drops you can put on there, right? Some sort of salad. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Or salvia. Yeah. That smoke and that will make your nipples bigger. Scientifically proven. Hey, is it okay to bring reading material into a group restroom? Is it okay to bring a Kindle into any restroom? Especially a group one.

That's from boredom to bathroom. There's so many. Oh, that's easy. No and no. Well, there's so many questions here. The first being, what isn't a group restroom? God, I would love a private restroom. This is Jeremy's bathroom.

No one can come in here but Jeremy. You gotta like fingerprint lock to get in. Man, that would be fucking great though, wouldn't it? That would be so good. I would also like to pause it to go true to the name and have an actual group restroom. And I'm just like, everybody goes in at the same time. It's like, let's do this. Well, what are you reading?

They have those, Travis. They have those. They're called restrooms. No, I'm saying like get rid of the walls and everything. Oh, you're talking about... Okay, you're kind of an open plan. That's the worst thing I ever did. Yeah, like done by Frank Lloyd Wright, you know?

This is my bathroom falling off. Frank Lloyd Wright was fucking nasty. I'm making some falling water over here. That was a Frank Lloyd Wright joke. You know, he actually built a house like that. That was like based on a desert. And there were no walls and nothing separating like the kitchen and bedroom and bathroom. Like just wherever you were in the house, you could see every other part of the house.

And I think that's gross. The toilet was right in the middle of the living room because he was so fucking nasty. Frank Lloyd wrong. Frank Lloyd dirty boy. Frank Lloyd wrong. Frank Lloyd dirty boy sounds like a pretty good hip hop name. So like soldier boy, tell him. Frank Lloyd dirty boy.

It's got a good cadence to it. I'm not sure. It's, I don't think there's a big problem with it. I think that if you are carrying a mag, like let's say a magazine. If you're carrying a magazine, I think it's okay to have one in the bathroom. I don't think it's okay to be spotted carrying one to the bathroom. Yeah. I think it says too much like, Hey, I'm going to go settle in for a while.

I'm getting cozy. Yeah. Yeah. If you need me for like the next 20 minutes, you know where I'll be. A Kindle. Absolutely not. Because if you drop that between your legs, it electrifies the water and the water might splash up and shock your gooch. Yes.

That's science. Science. Scientific desperation of electricity immersed in water splashed on gooch. The reason I would never use a Kindle in the bathroom is because you're paying a lot of money for that and for that service. And then that's always going to be your poop Kindle. Yeah. I like to leave my iPhone 4 outside of the restroom whenever I use it. You stay right here.

I'll be right back. I don't want anybody stealing you. Don't. Yeah. Make sure you scream. Do not wander off. I don't know. I think that it's fine to bring material in, but I don't do...

How much time are you spending in this restroom? I don't do anything in the restroom. And let's try and keep this as not gross as possible. When I'm in the restroom, I'm doing restroom stuff and I'm out. I don't bring my Game Boy in there. I don't bring my Game Boy. I don't have a big John's bathroom buddy or whatever it's called. I just get in there.

I get it done and then I leave and I go do other things. Justin's laughing because Justin fucking posts up, like, brings the TV in. Bear kid's the door. Yeah. He's like, I'm watching Man vs. Food. I can't leave middle up. I'm halfway through this through. What am I supposed to do?

Man vs. Food would be an ironic choice because you're always just losing into that. God bless it. There should be a... There should be a show called Seriously Man vs. Food. That's just him on the restroom after he just ate 36 chili dogs. That's the thing they never tell you about Man vs. Food. In the end, the food always escapes. The fight always runs through the hills.

And when it doesn't, God help us all. Can that show just be called Food vs. Man? Food strikes back. Another news. TV personality Adam What's His Face has died today. True story. And in the challenge of Man vs. Food, food is one. Yeah.

He tried to eat all the spaghetti, and then on the turlet, he just died from it. I feel like if I don't bring something into the bathroom, what I'm saying is, I really want to focus on what I'm doing. Yeah, you should. Focus on the sin. Yeah. How are you not, like, buckling down and just... Get in, get out.

What kind of dirty boys are you? I like to distract myself from that evil. And you guys like to really, like... I run my bathroom time like a fucking pit crew. Yeah. I am in and out. I got a stopwatch going. And I'm out.

What happens down there? I don't know what kind of situation you have. It just doesn't happen. You know? You got to make it happen. And I can't... I feel like magazines are the epidurals of the bowel movement process. You make sure you're dilated comfortably.

Right, exactly. You guys both work from home, though, so what you don't get is that moment when somebody walks up and grabs the doorknob. Travis, listen, we're on the same team here. Don't try and... Oh, I know. What I'm saying is... I live in constant fear of that, even when I'm at home by myself.

You know what the worst word in the English language is to say out loud? Occupied? Occupied, yeah. Because it always is said in fear. Occupied? Please, no. Occupied, please, no. My penis is out.

Everything. You would see everything if you came in here. And now you know that I was making doos. Everything. And the worst is when that happens and then they stay outside the door waiting for you to come out. Yeah. And you have to, like, quietly open the door and say...

I agree that the proper etiquette, if you try a knob, and it is locked. You run away as fast as you can. I feel like it is the social, your social responsibility, social contract to not be in that person's field of view. Nope. They have to think it was a ghost or the wind. Oh, something must have fallen against the doorknob. I will sometimes go 30 feet away, wait until I hear the door open, and then re-approach.

Just to say, I don't know... You flunk it. You come in from the left. There was some real dickhead over here grabbing doorknobs. He ran away twisting his mustache. You know, there was a moment when we were in Chicago for Griffin's birthday and doing the live show last year where we went to that brunch place and the men's restroom was occupied. And one of the hostesses was like, oh, you can just use the women's.

And I was like, okay, because I felt pressured to do it. I'm in the women's, and I'm using the bathroom, and somebody does the knob when I'm in the women's restroom. And so then I come out, and there's a lady standing there waiting to use the restroom. Travis, do you know what the problem is? Do you know where your folly was in there? When you went in the fucking women's restroom? What?

The hostess told me to do it. Yeah, you should say, oh, thanks for the advice, hostess, but fuck right off. I have my own restroom that I'm supposed to use. There are labels on these doors for a reason. What I find funny is that we live in fear of that when the worst that will happen if somebody opens. If you somehow, if they get past the lock, which, let's be honest, sometimes they do. Sometimes you're dealing with a Danny Ocean out there that can get in that restroom. The worst that's going to happen is they look in, they see that you're in the restroom.

They probably don't even hang out long enough to see, you know, your thighs. Oh no, they close that door for Griffin. That's amazing. It's like I live in fear of the fact that somebody's going to come in and be like, let me see your butthole, spread your cheeks, let me see everything. Like that's not, show your world to me. Like that's not going to, that just won't happen. Get out of here, Dave Matthews.

Let's be honest though, like let's get real frank here. When you, on those rare occasions, when you do open the door on somebody using the bathroom because they forgot to shut it, isn't the thought that goes through your head? Gotcha. Hey, gotcha. My thought is, well, now it's sad that I'll never be able to acknowledge their existence again. Yeah. Well, we had a good run, but I can never see you again.

Well, guess I got to quit this job. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Ask Tom. In my number two weeks notice. I want to hear Kevin's last question. But first, some quick housekeeping. We have forums, they're at MaximumFun.org.

You can contact us, mbmbam at MaximumFun.org. If you have a question, something you need advice on, we are there for you. We usually record Sunday mornings. So, you know, send them before that, if that's when you need advice. We are talking about the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org. We've got shirts there at MaxFunStore.com. And if you keep an eye on that store, I heard here the next week or so, there may be a new mbmbam shirt for you to buy and enjoy.

Ooh. That sounds nice. Maybe something related to America's favorite chickle based product. I don't know what you mean. Like chiclay? Like chiclay. And chiclay? Yeah.

We got live show announcements coming soon. We're in the planning stages of four all across this great country of ours. So, hopefully those will all come to fruition. We're talking about four shows before, but basically within the next nine months to a year. So, we'll have some announcements about those soon. And Travis, you were talking about our thousandth tweet is coming up. Yeah. I think what it's going to be is we're going to keep an eye on the mbmbam hashtag and whoever

can dig up the most obscure funny quote that makes us really happy. You're going to be our one thousandth tweet. So, we'll make sure to pimp your shit on our thousandth tweet. So, start talking on Twitter as much as you can. We won't talk. Put it like that. No. Yeah.

And don't put it at us because then only people who listen and see it share with the world. So, put that mbm hashtag in there. Speaking of, I want to give a big shout out to ducklips513 because basically everything she says is apparently about us. Our two us are like includes us as a thought. Everybody on the show that has been, everybody on Twitter has been super generous as a restaurant called Miss Scrabble, Ham Doctors, Ham Doctors, Box the Stars, Daniel Huffman, of course, Real Chase Fisher, who has been working very hard for his particular shout out.

And Croco Swine. Oh my God, so much Croco Swine art, an embarrassment of Croco Swine art. I love it all so much. Yeah, thank you to everybody who. I feel like he has what it takes to be the new mascot for something. Something? How about at corporate America? How about it?

Do you want to appease the 99%? Here's our first demand. Croco Swine is your mascot. I want to thank Nick and Nicole, the host of Epic Bros podcast for having me as a guest. I think that episode will be on Wednesday. If you want to hear me talk to Nick and Nicole, Epic Bros. Did it go good or was it weird? I mean it was pretty weird.

They asked me about like my sex, like my sex. Yeah. They asked me about how much I do and it's like guys, I don't know you. So they're dirty birds over there. They're dirty. They are Frank Lloyd dirty boys. I also want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winners for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed.

I got like 10 more people on Twitter today or this week who were like, man, I just started listening to Long Winners. It's so good. Yeah, guys, it's super good. No shit. No shit. Just listen to all their albums. It's fucking great.

He can't. It's fucking great. Griffin, speaking of fucking great, I'm ready. I'm ready for that big last question. Sure. Thanks everybody. This final question was sent in by Jacob Locker. Thanks Jacob.

It's by Yahoo! It's your user, Scroodle, who asks, how can we request a white waitress without offending anyone? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McClure. You're Griffin McElroy. You've been my brother, my brother and me. It's your dad.

It's true where I'm at. Keep your heart through stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart through stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. These girls are smart. These girls are smart.

Play your part.