My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 77: The Hole Shebang

Episode Date: October 24, 2011

Just one short week -- well, okay, one normal-sized week -- stands between us and Halloween. Are you ready, dear listeners? Have you assembled your costume? Planned your event calendar? Candied your corn? Don't worry if you've fallen behind; we've got some tips for the stragglers. Suggested talking points: Halloween Prep, Pay it Forward, Gossip Boy, Dracula: The Gun, Nailfreak, Family Ties, Prince's Business, The Giamatti Test, Facekissbook

I've saved this tiny green apple to eat during the show. The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Cut a hole in some sheets, cut holes in ushie, candy at apple, bob it, and get ready, it's H time. I don't think you can bob for an apple once it's been candied. They're super buoyant. You push it down far enough, it'll rock it through your ceiling.

I'm saying the rich, caramel-y exterior is going to wash right off once doused in water. I feel like maybe we should put a limit on the amount of holes one is going to cut in a sheet. On just some holes, was it three, four, 12? I think some hole, I think if you have, I think you got to have two for the peepers and one for the penis. Okay, that's my thing. That is a spooky ghost. You're going as a horny ghost. Yeah, because they can't, well, you know. They have to watch everybody having sex. This is my brother, my brother or me, an advice show and Halloween prep show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Do you think we should just start adding to that disclaimer, the advice show for the modern era, and also a show about ghosts that love to fuck? Because that's pretty much all we talk about anymore. Can you imagine if we destroyed a horse and it turned into a ghost that loved to fuck? That would be like what our whole show is. Yeah, hey, by the way, if you haven't had your Halloween costume planned yet, that's right there. You're a dead ghost horny horse.

You'll be the only one at the party, I guarantee. All you need is a friend who is a good sport. Did you guys ever read that old comic strip, Casper, The Overly Friendly Ghost? I loved that one, till it got canceled. Thanks McCarthy, thanks for nothing. Do you guys have your costumes planned? Yeah. You know what you're doing? Yeah. This is our Halloween prep show, this seems like the time to talk about it. I'm going to go as Freezer Gaddafi. I'm post street murder, currently housed in a freezer while the people decide what to do for my body. My whole line is going to be,

it's never been this chilly in Libya. That's your whole goof? That's a pretty good line. I made a Gaddafi. Libya been this chilly. I made a Gaddafi goof yesterday and somebody was like, whoa, man. The shit's still, that wind is still fresh. It's like, really? Like, him? Fuck that guy. Fuck that fool. I hate him. I don't even know what he did, but I know I'm supposed to hate him, so there. Yeah. I think he wore outlandish shirts and terrorized an entire nation. Okay.

Which is the worst crime? Both of those. Hey, every so often my wife or I will lend a small amount of money to a friend, usually small, like $20. Problem is that sometimes these different friends try to repay us in gifts instead of hard cash money. For example, they'll suggest buying me coffee or a bottle of wine to service the debt. I even had a friend add me to his Costco membership and then propose that it counts as repayment. These friends aren't in the poor house and have the cash on hand. Should I take these alternative gifts graciously or be firm and require money? That's from Vext in Vancouver. Who needs an amount of money that is under $20? If you just wait,

you'll make $20. Just chill out and somebody will give it to you. Money is so boring. Money is just, it's great to get paper, but once you get that paper, it's just paper. You can't do anything with it. You're basically having your friends go out and buy you exciting things like a Costco membership. That's worth its weight in gold, but it's not heavy. Additional details of this though, where he said the problem is that what they spend the money on is not things he would normally spend money on. That's not a problem. That's an awesome. That's the opposite of a problem. Right. A Costco membership is the sort of thing that you tell yourself you're going to get, but no one really knows how to get them or

what counter to go to. You'll go there and you might ask the wrong person. Then they're like, you're at a blockbuster. What are you talking about? They're like, blockbuster clothes. What they should do is add all of his friends to the Costco membership and then demand that whenever he loans them a trivial amount of cash like this, that they should repay him in something from Costco such as a four-pound bucket of gummy worms or something. I got you this industrial-sized silly putty. Hey, man, I hope you like Ferrero Rocher because here's a pyramid. I heard you like crybabies. I got you a bucket. She won this. I know that candy that you haven't had in 13 years. They've been talking about tear jokers?

Yeah. I got you some tear jokers. And then stop on them at Costco. Here's a whole barrel. I really did have a bucket of, that's the one thing I've ever bought a Sam's a bucket of crybabies. I used to be all about that. How about a bag at HEB last week? Did you? They're good for it. Here's what a lot of people don't recognize. They have such therapeutic qualities. If you have a sore throat or you're stuffed up, pop a crybaby in there. The sour will make it go away. That's free advice from us. Free advice from me. Tea is for bitches. Real makes you crybabies. I think that the problem with this whole situation that he's running into is I think it's different if your friends say, would you rather have a bottle of wine or that $12 I owe you?

But they're just going, I got you this wine to pay you back. That wasn't the arrangement, bitch. I hate buying wine though. So 100% of the time I'm going to go with the wine. Yeah, but then it's an awesome game show friendship. Yeah. Oh, right. Grab us behind door number one or you could take the cash. This is great. This is a great thing though. I'm excited about this. The cool play is to wait till your friend borrow his money, pay you back with a bottle of wine, and then the next time they hit you up for money,

you give them that same bottle of wine back. I'd say that's bartering. Oh, I thought this was the economy we were in. I thought we were in a wine economy. What kind of relationship do these people have with their friends? They're like, ah, man, I need $16. Better go get Jerry. I am not the town ATM. They have money. Why are they borrowing money from their friends? Nobody needs six. This is what I'm saying to you. This is the bigger problem I have. No one needs less than $20. Nothing costs that. Nothing costs less than $20.

Just stop going with your friends to the dollar store. Right. Like, hey, listen, I just parked outside your house and the parking meter is going to cost me like $8. Can you hit me up? You should have walked. You shouldn't have driven. Maybe a movie ticket, but even then, like, there's a... But why would you go to the movies and not bring money? That's an important question. See, and I also kind of feel like if you pay for a ticket for your friends to the movie,

here's what I'm having a problem with. Maybe this is just because I'm living... I'm in the 82%. So I'm living an affluent lifestyle, but I kind of feel like anything under $20 is almost like a gift you're doing anyway. Like, I wouldn't think of that as like a... I did this nice thing for you because I gave you $20 and I'd be like, oh, I got to do something nice and help you out and give you... So, you know, like... The way I look at it karmically is over all the times in my life that I've bummed money off people for things. Now I'm karmically paying that back by being like, no, I got it. No, worry about it. I got it.

See, in my head, I have a tiny bookkeeper with a green visor and one of those... One of those receipt machines that just like did the receipts fly into the air comically. And I have a running tally of exactly how much money everybody owes me all the time. And I'm not my user-ly about it. I'm not going to go after those people, but Travis, you owe me $364. I believe that. Justin, you and I are totally even. Nice.

Which is... Nice. Yeah. Which is nice. But I mean, all of my friends, like, Stu, Stu owes me $455. I'm like, I'm never going to forget about that. Ever. Ever, Stu. That's classic Stu, though.

Come and get you. Yeah. God forbid something happens to Stu and you never see that money. Oh, I have already lost a lot of funds, unrecoverable funds. Gaddafi at your 20 spot. Gaddafi? That followed me $12, $12 whole dollars. He was like, Griffin, is that you a bottle of wine? And you're like, no Gaddafi. Griffin, can I get a scarf? It's so chilly in Libya.

Give me a $12 scarf. And you're like... Well, we were hitting up the bars on Dirty Six and he was like, oh man, I left my wallet at home. I was like, Gaddafi, I got you. And I did got him. And then you know what happened? He went and got himself killed.

Thanks, Gaddafi, for nothing. Yeah. And all that full drink is buttery nipples. Yep. And see, you know, it's going to be a pricey night. Yeah, he's dirty. My serious advice to you is that you don't accept the money and you don't accept the gifts and you make them live with that.

You make them live with that debt and you cash it in when you are ready. Make the everyone you know... That's what it's there for. Live in constant feeling of being indebted to you. That's going to be a hard policy to reverse, though, because they know that they can come to you with a bottle of wine and you say, OK, we cool. So the next time they come to you with a bottle of wine,

it's going to be tough for you to be like, nope. No, I think you'd do exactly that. Hey, I got you this bottle of wine. No. No, that is not dollars. I cannot spend that. And he's turning the lock away in this economy. No, you got to go so hyper polite.

It's got to be like, no, no, no, I can't accept this. It was a gift from me to you. And then you just let make them live with it. It's the most sort of hostile generosity you can muster. If it's a small thing, if they're like, here's a can of planters peanuts. It was $2 at HEP. You can't be like, no, no, no. That dollar, that might be a gift.

What if you just fucking peanuts? You need to calm down. What if you set up like a godfather-esque kind of friendship economy where you're like, no, no, no, but there will come a time when I will call on you for those planters peanuts. Hey, you know, Stu, I need you to fucking murder him. It's like, dude, you gave me $13. I'm not going to murder Stu.

Maybe they come to you. They say, hey, I know I owed you $10, but I got you this jar of peanuts. You turn it up and dump the peanuts out in front of them and say, with juice, it's $12. I'll see you in a week. You got to put the juice on. That's the problem. What peanuts?

You got to put the juice on because a lot of people will love you. You got to get the juice on. A lot of people will love you. You better go to Walgreens. No juice. You better buy me a can, buy me a can of emerald nuts with the chili lime sauce on them. That damn will be cool.

Hold on real quick. Just to clarify, Justin, you're saying that when you loan your friends a small amount of money, you got to charge a really high interest. It's like a 150% loan. Yes. The smaller the amount, the more juice. Here's $2. Tomorrow you'll owe me six.

I loan someone a dollar and later they try to hand me a grubby piece of paper that has one written on it. I will tear it in half in front of them. What am I going to do with one dollar? I'm not the sort of person that accepts $1 bills from people. That's your department. If you, have you noticed that? I'm not the poor one.

You're the poor one. Whatever. What am I going to do with a dollar? Do I look poor? I'm rich as shit. I've got dollars all over the place. I thought you sneezed and needed something to blow your nose into. Tear this into confetti for a shitty party.

That's the only thing I could do with this right now. Give me a dollar. Keep it. If you are going to borrow money from a friend and you are going to pay them back with cold hard bills, make sure they're not grubby. Make sure they're not dirty bills. If they can't go through a soda machine, I'm not interested. I'm not even talking about the relative crispness.

I'm talking about bills that looks like you got it from a cashier. And you're like, oh, cool. I'm going to keep this right in my butt. Like I'm going to put this right between my cheeks and keep it there for a while. Why did you put this bill in between your cheeks? And then you give that bill to other people. God's dangerous wallet. Cash is so gross.

If God didn't want us to put dollar bills in our butts, he would not have left the slot there. That's what I'm saying. Don't talk about the change first. Nature versus nurture. Hey, that did not relate. Nothing in that. Do you need sense?

I have a problem with a buddy of mine that I'm hoping you can help me with. Travis used to be so good about pairing these questions down. I meant to pair this down. They're like epic poems now. But okay, he and his wife gossip so much, and I get uncomfortable when neither I talk to them because of it. I was talking to him earlier today, and I don't know where he brought up something very personal

that his wife had been told in confidence by a mutual friend of ours. I'm going to talk about a little secret nobody expects that will be kept. Neither of us have any business knowing it. And now I'm not the, and I know I'm not the only one he's told. I've tried to say things like, I don't need to hear this, or that should probably be between you and your wife and so and so. And he placed it off like it's okay. He's told me as long as I don't tell anyone else.

I don't usually like being confrontational, but this is the type of thing that I should be confrontational about. I don't feel that I'd be out of line going up to his wife and telling her to keep her mouth shut about these things, but I honestly feel like that wouldn't do any good. How is someone supposed to handle gossips like my big mouth friend and his even bigger mouth wife? Too mad to think of a clever name in Iowa.

Unacceptable excuse, but we will answer your query. I almost would like to say like emergency theory, eventually this will take care of itself. And like all your friends will be like, oh, we shouldn't tell anything to gossipy Jane and her gossipy husband. Yeah. But really in real life, people, you know, because people want to talk about their problems to whoever will listen.

Um, I think you got our show. You got to give them, you got to give them like a lesson. You got to treat them, you got to treat them to a lesson, like a hard, a hard learned lesson. Like go around and tell everybody about your big mouth buddy, Mike. And you gotta say, oh yeah, Mike, he's got, don't tell anyone, but he's got shingles all over his dick. And just tell it to everybody.

Tell it to every person that you know and see an encounter. And then when it gets back to Mike, he'll come to you and be like, hey Dave, what the fuck? And you say, now you know how gossip hurts shingled dick. I don't see this as a huge problem for you provided that you don't give these people any information. Like, don't you want this information? Don't you want to be Lord Varys, the master of whispers? Like, don't you want to know all the, the spider guys?

Come on. Don't you want to know all the secrets of the kingdom? Like, I don't see how, as long as your loose lips don't sink your specific ship. I mean, it, so you want to be able to trade in this information. So you're saying that he becomes like a vault, just a well of information about everything they know. Right, until that information becomes relevant or valuable to him. I think, I think the problem though is that sometimes like you find out the wrong thing and all of a sudden you're just laden with this power.

Like you find out that such and such is cheating on so and so and you're like, what do I do with this? Now I know this thing and every time I look at them, I know this thing about them. Right. Like that, that can be like, that can be destructive. That can ruin a friendship. And also this person's going to have to live in fear of his friend's big mouth and his friend's big mouth wife.

Like every time he does something that he doesn't want other people to know about. Like, oh yeah, he was at his in-laws house and he, he tooted and nobody heard it. But I know, I know and now you know. Is it a serious enough offense that you could stop being friends with these people? Because that's sort of where I'm at. Like I don't think you could talk someone into being more trustworthy. No. Like I don't think you could say it hurts my feelings when you're shitty

because you're a shitty person to please stop it. Yeah. Hey, everything about you sucks. Can you do something about that? Yeah. But that seems to mean like if someone's sharing these very personal things with them and they're going around telling people, they're like are fundamentally missing the purpose of friendship and trust.

Yeah. I mean, it's hard to, yeah. I mean, all you can do is sort of close yourself off to them and stop trusting them, which is kind of what I was saying before. Like you, you stop giving them your information. And what I would also tell you to do is encourage other friends, you know, to stop giving them juice. Yeah.

And if they ask like, why aren't you as forthcoming as you used to be, you say, well, because you're fucking gossipy. And that's sort of like cold, you know, I think it'll have a chilling effect that would hopefully correct the problem. And I would say to try to avoid, you know, too big a drama. Don't tell your other friends like, hey, they told me this thing about you. Say that they're very gossipy about your other friends, just so that you aren't gossiping about them to other people.

I don't know, guys. I think you got to keep feeding the beast a little bit. Because I feel like the second you start starving these people like this, they're going to start making shit up. And then, and then this shoe is really going to be on the other side. Are you saying feed them misinformation? No, I'm saying them feed them a little trivial stuff, like the time you tutored at your in-laws' house,

so that they don't like go around saying like, oh yeah, Mike got feline AIDS. Like a C. Yeah. I heard don't make a quick cold turkey. Yeah. You got to you got to drop them off a little bit. I don't know why it's got to be some obscure venereal disease that you've got, but that seems to be like the kind of like the worst kind of information to trade in.

My fingers smell like chlorine. Don't tell anybody. You promised. My socks don't match. Keep that to yourself. Do you guys want a Yahoo answer? Yes, please. I guess.

I have a few. This one was sent in by Diego Garcia. Thank you, Diego. It's by Yahoo Answers user Lewis who asks, I have a 20 gauge shotgun and need a nickname for her. Don't say Betty Lou or Old Yeller. How about shooty? Okay.

That's very direct. Shoot gun. Shoot gun. Very literal. Yeah. Gunny Gunnison. Got a very literal name. Doing good you so far.

Okay. Yeah. What about Kanafi Slayer? This is the one. Okay. This is the one that brought him down, brought down the big dog. Yeah. I went over to Texas and I grabbed him by a stupid collar and I said,

listen, Gaddafi, get out of town. Get out of here. Pulled him out of his trailer home. Punched his nail ticket. Can't hide in Texas, Gaddafi? Get out of here. It wasn't really. And he looked incredibly white.

That was weird. And he was a woman, which was weird. Yeah. What about shoot caliber? Okay. It's like a medieval thing going on. Can we call it Operation Iraqi Freedom? You can't.

You can. Maybe. I like that patriotic angle, the glittering eagle. It's got to be something. It's got to be something patriotic, right? Like for a 20 gauge shotgun, it can't be something like, I like the idea of a girl's name, but that seems more applicable to like an old automobile.

Yeah, our pistol. What if you named it Top Gun? What about Red, White and Boom? Because that's very, very, your pride is there. These colors don't fun. These colors don't gun? I'm sorry, Griffin. Ah, fuck me.

Shit. How about the only friend I'll ever need? What about Second Amendment-y? It's kind of a classic personification. The right to bear. Harms? How about Betty Blue? Damn it.

No, you did a bad job. Did a bad job. How about Dracula? No, this is okay. This is a vein we need to explore because your gun's name should be scary. This is my gun, Wolfman. This is my gun, the mummy, starring Brennan Frazier. How far out of the Universal Monsters over here can we go with these gun names?

I mean, can it be the creature from the Black Lagoon? Yeah, I think so. The creature from the Black Lagoon. Hey, what about Tim Gunn? That's good and butch. Yeah, I like that. Maybe Hot Shots Part 2. This is my gun, Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen, the gun. This is my gun shooting. It's my Charlie Sheen impression, everybody. If it's told, I couldn't bust it out. What about two and a half barrels? That's not bad. I think it doesn't make sense. There's only two barrels.

You got to put another half barrel on there. You got to put a tinier barrel. So here's some of the suggestions that Yahoo has provided. Big Mama. No, that's good. It's got a nice. Sure, I guess it's got a nice. Is there another?

Is there? What was the Big Mama's house? Big Mama's gun. Big Mama's gun. That's good. Norbert. Norbert, the gun. The wife, old blue, the terminator, the apple corer.

Now, hold on real quick. OK. Brother said not old yellow. And so other dudes just went for a different color. Shy greenie. Something for an old dog that's near death. What? It's a good dog name.

It's a good gun name, I mean. Oh, OK. I thought you were saying that was the name of the gun. This is for an old dog that's near death. Trust me. Stacey or Jeff. Mrs. Bang Bang. Baby sister.

Irene. Grace. Um, I call mine the 20 gauge. The shotgun is yet to complain about it. OK, what are you? What? Hold on. So you didn't come up with the name, is that what he means?

He just calls it what the gun is. And the shotgun hasn't protested so far. Um, Vern. Oh, Jesus Christ. Blood first, then a name. A gunner in its name when you make your first kill with it. Oh, no. This is, this is my gun accidental family tragedy.

I really wish I'd named it before. This is my gun. Take that up at the bus driver. This is my gun, Nirvana Ruiner. Oh, no. I'm tapping out of this. Hey, mbm, is it weird for a straight guy to pay his fingernails? I've been thinking about this for a while.

And I would really like to paint my fingernails a color like blue, but I'm not sure how socially acceptable this would be. I also wonder what girls think of they saw this and they don't already know me. What do you guys think inquisitive in Illinois? Real quick, I just want to clarify something about this question that I know to be true. Whether it's weird or not has nothing to do with you or a straight guy or a gay guy. Yeah, that's, yeah. That's a misconception that I find very funny.

Like if this was a gay guy doing it, it would be totally cool. Yeah, I don't think the gay thing enters into it. Like I don't think, I mean, obviously it's a gender identity issue, but I wouldn't think it would be any more or less socially acceptable for a straight or a gay guy. I don't think it would matter really. Did we get this because we talked about nail care last week? God, I never thought when we started this show that this would be one of our frequent subjects. I think, I mean, if you're asking the question,

I typically think that if you have to ask or something socially unacceptable, it probably is. Yeah, like yes, obviously it's socially unacceptable. It's not a thing that people do, but that shouldn't stop you from doing it, you know? Listen, you doing it isn't going to kill somebody. It's not like the end of the world. You do it and you want to do it, then do it. But yeah, you're going to get some weird looks and people are going to give you shit about it. But it is weird.

If you want to, isn't that sort of like, what was it we were talking about, if you're the sort of person that- Yeah, we were talking about manicures and hats. Yeah, like if you're the sort of person that can pull that off, that's your style, don't let it keep you from it. But you know, things like, oh, like take Penn Gillette, for example. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. Penn Gillette is a cool guy and he's rock and roll manly.

You know, I don't think he is somebody you could accuse of being unhip and he rocks some nail polish. Now, I don't know who that is, but I just assumed that it's somebody who's, is it somebody who's like Chris Angel? You know, you know, Penn Gillette is. Is that like Chris Angel? No, it's like, like Penn of Penn and Teller? Not. Are you serious?

I'm not familiar. I know who Chris Angel is, is it somebody like, because he also paints his nails. No, they do the magic goofs. Like, oh, kind of like Chris Angel, you mean? They're basically like Chris Angel, okay? Yes, they're like a fat and silent Chris Angel. You're telling me that it's people who do magic tricks and illusions and acts of misdirection. Prestidigitation, so that's-

Prestidigitation, ledger main, and their nails are painted. So, I mean, if it walks like a Chris Angel and wears big black pants like a Chris Angel, then it's probably a Chris Angel. If I see somebody floating above the Luxor, I've got to assume that's Chris Angel. Yeah. So what you're saying is, yes, he can paint his fingernails as long as he engages in Prestidigitation. Okay. I think, no, I think what he's saying is, if he paints his nails and engages in Prestidigitation,

he is, by all rights and purposes, he should be able to walk into any bank. And so, I would like to withdraw the $37. Can I see two forms of identification? Sure, check out these nails and this awesome card trick. Check out these nails, and I'm wearing your watch. Let me get a couple hundo. Just take it out of the Chris Angel account. Check out the one labeled fun money.

Sir, this is a Bank of America in Des Moines. You do not have fungible assets here. Oh, don't I? Check it. Holy shit, where did all this money come from? Chris Angel. It's in my hands, and it has your face on it. Mind freak.

Holy shit, I think maybe Chris Angel just robbed this bank. Either Chris Angel robbed the bank or he just ruined a $100 bill of his. I don't think he has those to lose. Should we call the cops? Let me just let me think for a second. My mind is still freezing right now. Just give me a second. I'm reeling.

I've got to unfreak it up here. You know, does anybody not mind freak still in the air? It's got to be. We all think about Chris Angel in the context of my break, but what we rarely think about is that Chris Angel is a real person who has to go. Who like does something that makes waffles. He goes to Whole Foods, and he buys kale. Like this is something, this is a real person that does these things.

Right. He's not just magicing all the time, or maybe he is. Wouldn't you like to think that he is, like even at home and no one's around, like all of a sudden the coffee's in the glass, and he's like sigh, mind freaked. Mind freak is that it's unfairly watchable because it's constantly taunting you with the possibility that you'll see Chris Angel killed before your eyes. It's like an irresistible ratings bait. I think it's not fair, and I think they do have to deliver on it eventually,

at least in amputation. Today, I'm going to set myself ablaze while a man shoots a revolver at me. Like, ah man, clear the tea, bro. Here we go. What if Chris Angel really just one day wanted to cash it all in? Like he just gave up, and so he filmed it, and it was like, oh, what an awesome trick. Oh, he's not moving. Yeah.

Today, I'm going to drink lava. Hey, Chris. Chris, I wouldn't advise that. Um, maybe you should cancel this one. He, I'm looking at pictures of him right now, and I cannot fucking handle his whole style. His whole, yeah. There's a thing on, there's a thing on, okay, if you go to A&E TV right now, there is an ad for the show, and the tagline of this, like, I think it's a,

maybe a trivia question or an interactive game, and the question is, will you save or kill Chris Angel? The game is called Kill Chris Angel. Okay. Like, they know what they're doing with this, and they're playing off her desire to see him die. Hey, world, if you see Chris Angel, give him a hug. Just tell him, like, it's okay, and it's going to be all right, and maybe, you know, he just wants to hang out.

Maybe just buy Chris Angel a beer. We could save Chris Angel's life today. I would, I would like to try to reach out to Chris Angel and say, it's not that there are many people I'd like to watch die on TV, but you, you are the only one that keeps taunting me with the possibility, and that's the only reason I'm so hungry for your death. Like, the first season on that show started out as real magic, right? And now it's just, like, fucking bear baiting, like, it's, it's waiting to watch Chris Angel die.

Did you see the bear baiting episode? I thought that it was going to gobble him up for sure. All I hope is that Chris Angel, when he, like, does do something like drink lava, I just hope that his last words are, like, mind-free. And now the mind that is freaked is my own. I have freaked my own mind. Good night. And now it's time to mind-freak Jesus.

Maybe flights of angels freak the mind to that rest. All right, you know, that's, I gotta go through the book here and look at all of your life's sins and accomplishments and what, you're already inside the game. Hey, Saint Peter, I'm wearing your watch. Oh, mind-free. You know, this is a, when I worked at Best Buy, there was a day when I swore Chris Angel came into our store and, like, walked around and bought some CDs and I'm, like, on the radio going, I swear to God, Chris Angel is here, it's Chris Angel.

But it wasn't Chris Angel, it turned out to be the lead singer of Hinder. He just had that look like, I'm somebody terrible. And the best part, lead singer of Hinder bought his own CD. You don't know me, but I'm the worst. I got a vibe from that guy, like, I wanted to see him die on TV. Was that Chris Angel? No, that was Hinder. Mr. Hinder.

Griffin, if I'm ever going to buy CDs at Travis's Best Buy, then I'm going to need a trip to the Money Zone. I don't own that Best Buy, just to clarify, it's not my Best Buy. First up, to Glenna from Patrick, Griffin, what's the message? Patrick would like to wish Glenna a very happy anniversary. She is his best friend. And you know what? His beautiful wife. Congratulations, Glenna, on both those achievements.

It's their 10th anniversary on October 27th. They've been married for 10 wonderful years, and he knows that they will have many more to come. A song from Griffin would be awesome, but I understand if it's not possible. I mean, I can try. Sugar, sugar, how you get so fly? Amber is the color of your energy. Glenna is your wife and will remain to be. Hey, Tyler, you don't get a song, but Chelsea and Trevor Woodburn

want to wish you a very, very happy 31st birthday. Ooh, the big 31. Justin, you're coming up on that one, right? Yeah, yeah. Not a very special one. On this screening train. Just that march to the old grave room. Me and Tyler, arm in arm, when your burden becomes too heavy,

I will help you carry it. I will carry that burden with you, and I want you to know that I'm here for you. Like a bridge over old-ass troubled water. What if, instead of celebrating your 31st birthday, you celebrated the 10-year anniversary of your 21st birthday? Oh, that's fun. That sounds really great, Cheryl, from accounting. Hey, this next one, guys, let's take a step back,

because this one's all about Joseph. Travis, give me the pitch. Well, here's the deal, ladies. Hey, ladies. His name is Joseph Buchanan, or JJ. He's 20, but he's turning 21 on the 29th of October. He moved from Wichita, Kansas to Lawton, OK, to Managers Subway. Well, I go to college.

Well, you go to college? I jump 10-thits. Hey, Joseph, would you mind just working at this? Would you be a sandwich engineer for me while I do my four-year? Can you work at Subway while I go to college for us? Thanks. He enjoys reading, playing video games, and you can contact him by searching on Facebook for Joseph James Buchanan.

This is a stand-up young man, and I feel like he's got, I mean, he's almost 21, so he can buy you booze. And he's getting himself a college degree, ladies. Yeah, and a degree in sandwich engineering. That's going to be a cool guy. I'm looking at this profile right now. He's got some great interests, like some great films. 300, Anchorman, Dune, he's there for you.

Mythbusters, Scrubs, he's into it. I'm looking at a picture of him. He's benching like 400, and then here's a picture of him, and it looks like he's been making love for a really long time, so he looks really competent in that department. It looks like he's been doing it really good, too. He's been doing it super good, because she is high-fiving him, and there's a clock on the wall that's a timer, a stopwatch, and it says 35.

So they've been at least doing it for 35 minutes in this good manner. Now Griffin, you're going into the realm of fantasy, like impossibility, but... So ladies, get at him, Joseph James Buchanan. If you want to get on to the Money Zone, our Jumbotron, where we focus in on one of our very special listeners, go to maximumfund.org.com slash jumbotron, and you can do that. And if you're a business that you want us to highlight, Griffin will write a professional style jingle for you and sing it.

I want to thank Joseph for being so brave as to be our first personal ad. I know. Ladies, please don't let us down. Get at him. Please get him some. Please get at him. Recently, an ex-boyfriend of mine has moved back to town. We get along. We don't really gel as friends. The problem is, he gets along really well with my older sister of one year. They hang out together often, which makes me jealous in a he-was-mine-first kind of way,

which was somewhat juvenile. It makes me feel silly, as without her influence, I feel no need to pursue him. Do you know if it's possible to overcome this jealousy? And if so, please share this wisdom childishly covetous. Oh, the heart, right? The heart. It's the trickiest muscle. Tangled web of tissue and blood and bones. That's the heart. Well, it sounds like it's a heart freak. Sounds like he's always trying to heart freak you.

I mean, this dude knows what he's doing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's like the Chris Angel of Hearts. He, uh... Nice to meet you. My name's Tom Jones, Chris Angel of Hearts. That's so on my name tag. Yeah, he knows that he's doing it, and I think... I don't know, your sister might not have

intentions like that, but you gotta talk to your sister, I think. I don't think this is such a ridiculous thing. If one of you two is hanging out with an ex-girlfriend of mine, just like, broing out, I would say something to you, because that would... It would be weird, yeah. It would be weird. It wouldn't necessarily... I don't think it would upset me in a way that would be jealous in any way, but it would be so weird that it would be a tough pudding for me.

Yeah, and I think that that's sometimes the heart's stupid, and I think your heart may be mixing up the fact that it's weird with making you feel like you want him. Like, your heart doesn't want him and doesn't want to be back with him, and your head, I can hear you saying that. Like, you recognize that. What's happening is your... The weirdness and the hurt of your sister doing that is making you jealous.

I think more specifically, you're a little hurt that your sister is doing this, more than you are jealous of their relationship. And I think if nothing else, just talking to your sister about it, just to clarify the situation, because your sister might say, like, oh, being nice because it's your ex-boyfriend, and you know. But finding out what's going on will at least help you clarify how you're feeling about the situation. It's... It's... You're on some tricky territory here because it's... I think your focus is off a little bit, and your focus needs to be...

This is a thing that's happening that could upset your relationship with your sister, which is so, so, so much more important than you being uncomfortable with your ex-boyfriend being back in town. And I'm willing to bet that if he told your sister, she would say, oh, I didn't realize it was bothering you. Cool. Yeah. Like, I won't hang out with him anymore.

It won't be that important to her. Yeah. Get out. Family first, you know? Family first, blood before wine. Sure. What? What?

That's what Dracula says. This yahoo is sitting by Dracula. Who is also known as Matt LaBelle. Thank you, Matt. Matt LaBelle is Dracula? Yeah, I know. I knew it. Son of a bitch, Matt.

It's by yahoo, answers Ysir Bobby, who asks... Neck freak! Who asks, is it offensive to dress up as a giant penis with a pair of boobs to answer the door for trick-or-treaters? I am planning on donning a giant penis costume complete with plastic boobs and a plastic butt piece. If I answered the door for trick-or-treaters,

would parents be offended? I mean, it's not like people have to ring my doorbell, and it is my house. Is it violating anyone's rights? I mean, maybe it would be better if I didn't answer the door. So you're just sitting in your apartment alone, dressed up like a boob dick? Drinking.

Boob dick with butt piece. Why does it... What? What's your theme? What's the overall palette of this costume? So why does the dick have boobs? I'm gonna be freezer Gaddafi. Oh, me?

I'm gonna be a boob dick complete with plastic butt piece. You know, I'm not doing just one. I decided I would go for the full Monty, the full Nightmare Monty. Yeah. You know, if you pulled down Prince's pants, that's what you would see, right? Pardon me.

The artist formerly known as Prince, you have... You have boobs and a butt on your penis. You have an anatomically correct penis. It's like you have a sexy lady as your penis. Yeah. What's going on down there, Prince? Does it... Does that even... Does it work? It does.

You know the only thing that comes out of it? Purple rain. Purple rain. God damn. Oh, no. That's the end of the show, folks. How many seven good episodes? This... How...

I think that the kids... I... Even the six of you that comes to your door and opens it is gonna be more confused than upset. They may not even make the connection that you're supposed to be a penis. Like, what do you... You're like a naked woman with... Mushroom? Wearing a mushroom on your head?

I don't... Are you naked Susan powder? Like, what? Here's the thing. I'm willing to bet that if you're the type of guy that sits around and thinks about this question, people aren't gonna be ringing your doorbell. They know that guy's house. Yeah.

I'm trying. Can we... Can we... But he does give away full-size candy bars and that's the trade-off. Can we get a vagina on this costume? And you can be like... You can be like, fuck us, God of sex. I am everything. It's easy.

You just put it over the mouth hole. No. What do you want? What are you in the mood for? Is that a... Is that a... I got it all. Does that boob butt penis have a van dyke?

No. I can understand your confusion. Is that a Hitler mustache? It is not. It is not. It is a... What if you just did the vagina as a hand puppet? Christ.

How good would the candy bar have to be? Before you... If some... It's a king-size payday. So I'm not certain because it's king-size but it's payday. Did you go to that house? There's a guy dressed up in there like Princess Genitalia. But here's the thing.

Watch him I call it. He is giving away rolls of quarters. It's like 10 bucks a quarters. Listen, that house there is a man dressed up like all the Genitalia and he's only giving out bit of honeys. So let's just sort of clear. That might be a crime actually. I think it's the law.

I saw his dick, boobs, butt and vagina and I got some neck away for his. So the crime did not fit the punch. You know what? I say that if he's gonna do it, he embraces it and he sits on a lawn chair on the porch. Yeah. Let him know what they're... Yeah.

Getting in. And wave. This man talks a big game but I have to believe that if a child came to his house and opened the door, he wouldn't just open it. Dressed up as all the Genitalia and then be like, suck. Hey.

What are you... I'm embarrassed. What are you? Oh, you're a ninja turtle. You'll know what I am later. Daddy's gonna tell... Daddy's gonna take you home and give you the worst talk of your entire life that anyone's ever received.

That may be to explain that costume to a child, may constitute child abuse. I'm not... I can't say for sure. And then like... Well, honey, this was a great Halloween but now for your own good, I have to murder you. Yeah.

Eight years later, that child is gonna be a senior in high school It's gonna be the night of his senior prom. He's gonna pull down his girlfriend's thing and then be like, hmm, this isn't how I know it to be. This isn't how I learned it. Maybe it's... Maybe it's a diagram costume. It's like slim good body.

You know, it's slim... Oh, no. Slim bad body. Just shows you all the bad things. Hey, where's your boob dick? This is... This is... I don't even know what to...

What the hell? What's this bait and switch? This is just like a normal vagina. You've only got the one. I need all four. I can't finish. I can't... Save me, Prince.

Save me, Prince. The only girl for me is Prince. I recently met a girl in a bookstore. She works there. And I really liked her. So next time I went there, I asked her out. She said she can't but I can always come by for tea at the bookstore which is also a tea shop.

I'm pretty sure that means she has a boyfriend. She was very nice and then every time I go there we end up talking for a few minutes. Should I go and ask her for that tea or just move away from the city, Mitch in Romania? Did you say Mitch or Dracool? Well, Dracool, here's the deal. I don't know if she has a boyfriend or not

but she doesn't want to have that tea with you. Well, I don't. Travis. I was reading a book and I wanted... And I forget the name of the book. Tyler escapes me. But it's a book about etiquette. And in that book, they introduced the idea of the Brad Pitt test

which I think is a wonderful, wonderful tool that everyone can implement in their day-to-day lives. If Brad Pitt asked a girl out at the tea shop, she wouldn't... It wouldn't even be an issue. She would have that tea. She would go wherever. If she wanted to have this date with you,

it would have gone down. That's what I'm saying. I'm not comfortable with the idea of every man on earth evaluating himself compared to Brad Pitt. How many steps down from that? No, no, no. I don't think that's it. What it sounds like to me is it's a criteria of...

People will often say like, well, she couldn't do it because she was at work or she couldn't do it because she has a boyfriend. But the deal is she said no without saying no. She was being nice. Right. You got politely turned down for whatever reason. Maybe she has a boyfriend, maybe she doesn't.

But I mean, it... Yeah, I mean, you got turned down. You have a great way of saving face because you already went... You already go there. Just go and enjoy her in the ladies' zoo that is her job and appreciate her there. I have another idea. And that is that you need to give her the Paul Giamatti test.

Oh, huh? And that is if she would go out with Paul Giamatti, she would probably go out with you. What are her standards like? Yeah. Maybe you need to meet this boyfriend and maybe he's just a real ego pile of crap. I feel like if you compare yourself to Brad Pitt

on a day-to-day, you're going to lose your mind. If you compare yourself to Paul Giamatti in any field other than acting, of which he is superb and sublime, then it's going to go much, much better for your self-esteem. Can we, for once, just take it easy on Paul Giamatti on one of these shows? No, you know why.

He's out there doing it every day, Griffin. He's... But he's so good. I saw him in Eyes of March, I wept, and his part wasn't even particularly sad. It was actually rather a happy part. It was, but he's... Eyes of March filmed in Cincinnati starting Billy J's.

Yeah, that's true. He looks like a... What are those creatures? A big toe? No, like a sleigh stack. I've recently been entered into your... We can't just bounce off that subject by me saying that Paul Giamatti looks like a sleigh stack.

That's usually when one of the two of you chides me, and I say, I'm sorry, Paul Giamatti. You know, sometimes, Griffin, you just nail it. Yeah, sometimes, you just leave. You and Paul Giamatti live in your own parallel universe together, and if you want to make amends with him, you go to his house. I'm tired of you using our show as a platform

to apologize to Paul Giamatti. You know what, Griffin, buy a fucking personal add and say you're sorry to Paul from now on, because I'm tired of using NBNBM as a bully pulpit to apologize for bullying Paul Giamatti. It's done. It's over. Hey, guys, can we cut out cyberbullying of Paul Giamatti, please? Can I just say one thing, though?

Yeah, as long as it's not directly addressed to Paul Giamatti. I thought as much. I'm recently entered into a relationship with this girl. I would like to issue a statement to all Paul Giamattis. And then I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. There's a Paul Giamatti in Idaho right now that's, like, crying. Messers, Giamatti, I apologize for my actions and workings.

I want to get through this question. I have recently entered into a relationship with this girl. Who has been out of a long-term relationship for a short time, as have I. One thing that kind of bothers me, and I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong here, but about 99% of her Facebook profile pictures are her kissing her ex-boyfriend. Am I in the wrong for being concerned with this? Is it OK to request these be removed? Ocarina in Ohio.

I don't believe that this young man is in Ocarina, but go on. No, he is not a sweet potato shaped flu. I think what needs to be removed is you, you got to go. And I'll tell you why. Because of anybody who 99% of their Facebook profile pictures, let me say again, if she has 100 Facebook profile pictures, 99 of them are pictures of her kissing somebody. That's not OK in any language.

Can we just, like, talk about this issue specifically? And this really is kind of a bugbear with me. But your profile picture on Facebook or any other social networking service should be an attractive, well-framed picture of your head and shoulders. It should be a headshot. And that's it. It should be a professionally taken headshot. It has to adhere to the rule of thirds.

I want lighting to be appropriate. And it should be at least two years recent. Yeah, within the last two years. Because I'm tired of these motherfuckers. Your baby. Stop it. Your dog. Just a weird color design.

What the fuck is that? You with other people. Hi, which one are you? Like, I don't know how to address you, because I don't know what you look like. I don't know if I need to talk to you like you're a fat person or not. Like, I don't know if you're living your life that way. The kids drive me crazy.

Why are you letting your baby have a face? Why does this baby have a Facebook? And why does Breakfast of Champions' favorite book? Like, stop it, baby. I agree. Also, don't put... I don't want to see you as a cartoon. I don't want to see you as a Mad Men cartoon.

Is that still a thing? I want to just see you. Just be yourself. Let me see your face. I need it. Now, back to this guy's problem. Are you in the wrong for being concerned about this? Is it okay to request they be removed?

It's not okay is the problem. They shouldn't be there in the first place. Like, my girlfriend, her Facebook profile, is just 100 pictures of dude's butts. Like, yeah, that's not okay. Yeah, I think the whole situation is just weird. So maybe you don't say anything and see how it shakes out. And you just accept that it's already weird.

Or you go down the list and you like each one. Or you just comment nice. Like this smooch. Everything's looking good here. Let's try this one out tonight. You guys look really in love. That must have been such a pleasant time in your life. I'm sorry, a second best with me.

I bet you're sad this is over. Is this the Applebee's on third? This looks so nice. Let's go there. You and me and him, if you want. I have a fun idea. Let's recreate all these pictures. It'll be like the soldier kissing his lady on V-Day.

These hit locations and reenact these loving moments. Oh, God, I don't have a picture of you kissing anybody on Facebook. And guess what? If you do have that picture and you think you're about to break up with this person, like as soon as the idea enters your mind, you delete every single one of those pics. And if they notice like, hey, what happened to all our kiss pics? It's got to go.

It's got to end right then. That's your entry into the situation. Yeah. I was hoping I would, you wouldn't notice because now I do have to in fact cut this off. Please, please come into my office, Bradley. Bradley, your performance lately. We really appreciate the time that you've committed to this relationship over the last couple of months.

But in this economy, it just seems like the kiss pics and the cutesy poking on Facebook, it's ruined and we're going to have to let you go. Can we please start breaking up with people and blaming the economy? Just calling it, just like, listen, layoffs are all over. I just, I haven't recovered from 9-11 yet. I keep saying I'm going to bow the back. Everything changed on that day, a faithful day. And that includes my love for you.

Yeah. So listen, just leave your name tag with Darcy on the way out, I guess. I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first real quick housekeeping stuff. This is my brother and my brother and me. We're at mbmbam.com. We're on Tweedow at mbmbam is our username. We love it when people talk about our show using the mbmbam hashtag. I know Carly Violet did Nick Claus, Guillermo, Croco Swine is still there with YHT and John

Kehoe and Invader Sham, everybody, Mr. Daniel Nixon, everybody, our Jowman, everyone has been super nice in promoting our show on that, on that service. And I want to throw out, Brent O'Flock's and I just did a video where we talk about this podcast and talk about his webcomic, talk about all that stuff. It's very funny and more than anything, I just wanted to say it was great catching up with my dear friend Brent O'Flock, so thanks Brent. And I also want to thank Letty Van Hemmer and Nick Rose for pimping us in meat space in the real world.

Thank you guys very much. That's how you make that. Two to three mouth tweets. We are going to have, if we do not already, I don't think we have this right this second, but I would not be surprised if by the time you listen to this, this is active. But we have a brand new, My Brother, My Brother, Me T-shirt headed to maxfunstore.com from our friends at Topodaco. It is a, should I say what it is, or should I just let people discover for themselves?

It is a fully erect penis with boobs button. Yeah, it's gonna. The whole shebang. It's called the whole shebang is the name of the shirt. Check out Max. And the hole is spelled H-O-L-E. Oh, fuck. Well, there's your episode, Tyler.

Listen, we'll tweet about it when it goes live, but keep an eye out for a maxfunstore. I don't think iTunes will let us put a thing on it called the H-O-L. There's all this, look, it's an opportunity to do research. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winners for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed, which a bunch of other people got on Twitter today and said they started listening to and then it's fucking dope. And yeah, if you could take a second to thank at John Roderick

and tell him you got on board with us, we want him to like us and think we're great. So yeah. Yeah, so thank you. We're not needy. It's not a big deal. Griffin. I'm a little needy. This one was sent in by Lisa Hallefield.

Thank you, Lisa. It's by Yahoo Answers user Florex who asks, Did anyone else hated Alan Alda and Mash? Just McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. Who's been my brother? My brother and me.

Kiss your dad. And it's cool, air on the lips. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart, three stacks. These girls are smart.

Play your part.