My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 78: Fly Me to Heaven, Kid Vid

Episode Date: October 31, 2011

It's our super special Halloween Spooktacular, and you know what that means: We quickly forget that it's Halloween, and start going off on tangents about high school boners and how cool Randy Jackson's eyewear is. Pretty spooky, right? Suggested talking points: Dogg Pound, Hearse, Ingratia, Clownfish, The Fight Club Heist, Engorged, Cat-calling, Moving Like Jagger, The King of Dead

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome, my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. Griffin, I want to start the show, but I have to say, your eyes are looking so dope. It's, they really pop nowadays, don't they? Yeah, it's like your eyes have a groove, if I may say that.

My eyes are honorary members of the Dog Pound. Do tell. How did you achieve this look? Must have been expensive. I went to the glasses store, and the elderly lady who was making me try on every goddamn pair of glasses in the store, she was the proprietor, not just some old lady that was in the store, she was like, you know, your eyes kind of look like the eyes of the basis from journey. And I said, hell, that's funny. Do you mean Randy Jackson? And she says, yes, I have just the glasses for you. They're Randy Jackson's glasses. Oh my, how did you afford that? They were extremely expensive, right? But you know, I decided I'm 24 now, going on 25.

It's time that I have good things in my life. You burned it. So I, yeah, I joined the Dog Pound, and now I make sort of inane criticisms of things, criticisms that don't make any sense, nor mean anything to anyone. You make references to working with Michael Jackson that are apropos of nothing. Yeah. And just totally untrue, patently untrue. Speaking of patently untrue, this is an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your youngest. Randy Jackson is brother. Dog Pound. Can we start the Halloween talk now?

Halloween is today, and... Hello boys and ghouls. No daddy, no likey. But I've been working on that like all week. No last night. I feel like last night was the official Halloween party night. Did you guys partake? It's not the official party night for theaters. Oh, that's right. Sunday is the new Saturday. Sunday is the new Saturday for theaters. I was thinking we could maybe go around and everybody could say what they dressed up as. I was deposed head of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke. Well, that's a good one. Yeah, I thought so.

I was a drunk baby. It's a good look. It was a good look. I didn't start out... It's complicated, but I didn't start out that. I sort of became that. I was asleep. Yeah. Travis is Morpheus. It's pretty badass. That's what he said. Yeah. Everybody kept asking me, Justin, I think Ben Bernanke is the current head of the Federal Reserve. I don't think you know who this person is. I think he's just like his last name. But I addressed him deposed. I said, hey, it's Halloween. Live in the fantasy. A governmental figure somewhere in the world with the last name Skittlefingers,

then you would have said that you were that person. Hey, also, something else I was thinking about last night while dressing as deposed chief of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, from an alternate future where he has been removed from his position. Why is nobody saying drama, drama, save it for Obama? Why is that not caught on? See, that's exactly why I'm glad we have this platform. Yeah. Hey, everybody, if you could just drop that in a combo, I know I could tell from the roaring reaction it got on the show that it's a pretty good line. So wait, hold on real quick. So you're

not saying chant this at like a rally. You're saying like if you're having a conversation with a friend, find a place to work it in. Drama, drama, save it for Obama. Don't you think? I invented a kind of a fun Halloween party game this morning. And I think it only works on Halloween when you're a grown up and you've got drunk the night before at a Halloween party where everybody's wearing costumes and it's called I Blanked On or At Blank. And you just fill in you fill in the blanks with a with a verb and a thing like like last night, I threw up on a dinosaur. Last night, I farted on Skrillex. Last night, I yelled at the black eyed piece. Let's get to the advice. My trusty vehicular

sidekick has finally started to kick the bucket. Soon I'll be I'll have to be doling out some serious dough to purchase a new new to me vehicle. That's the only smart move, by the way. But of course, I want to get a great deal. It's been a long time since I've had to do this. And I feel a bit crusty. What are rusty? What are your best haggling tips? I feel crusty. See a doctor. That's from finagling film. I have bought a car recently. And it is it is an intimidating world out there, guys. What did you go with? What would you go with? I got tricked. He said it was just a long car. But it was a hearse. What do you look at? This is an old movie, a long car. This is an old movie, a long car. Why is there a picture of a ghost with a no sign over him?

So you're looking for a sedan or a hatchback or a truck. We got this hearse. A hearse. What's the brand? Oh, it's hearse. Hearse brand. Nobody knows who makes hearse. I wish I'd been there at that design meeting. Like, Phil, this is a really cool car. I don't know who you're putting in the back though. It's like, you know, you can just pass away back there. Just chill. It's like a portable nap room. It's like a portable nap room that I made. A portable forever nap room. I would love to have been in that meeting because I would have said, I'm going to throw something out. Flame decals. That would be cool. Because they're taking them to hell. Oh, I think that your best bet is to, and this is tough, but go to as many different places

you can. Look at as many different cars as you can. Because the only time that you're getting into trouble with this sort of thing is if you aren't willing to walk away. And if you get your heart set on a car and you think like, this is the one for me, then it's going to be harder for you to negotiate because you'll be worried about losing it or worried about looking like a jerk or whatever. And remember, the worst they could say is no. I bought those Randy Jackson glasses yesterday. It was the very first store I walked into and it was almost the very first pair of glasses I saw. I bought them for $300. I don't think I know how comparison shopping works. No, no. I'm saying, I don't think you're buying a car in this situation. You're buying the man and by the man,

I mean the salesman, that you have to find somebody who makes you feel like you're not getting fucked, like he's not trying to fuck you. But Griffin, don't you understand? That's how they work. That's the exact vibe that these guys work to cultivate. Like, they are trying to give you that vibe. Now, let me take that a step further to go and actually buy the man and start asking him questions like, what's your miles per gallon? Yeah. You have automatic windows? Do you take diesel? What are your safety features? Do you know kung fu? Can you protect me? I bought mine from a shady fat guy because I knew where he was coming from. I was like, hey, I get your, I get your style. You're not trying to pull one over on me. You're a shady fat gentleman. You're both blatantly

sketchy and obviously like Cheetos. You love food. You love food. When I got there, this is not a joke. When I got there, the hood of the car was open and all the tires were off of it and there was a guy in a hat trying to charge the battery and I'll take it. You know, somebody like that, they're not trying to pull a fat, they're like, listen, you get what you get, you know? Yeah. It is what it is. Is there some kind of event that you could stage that would strengthen your bargaining position? Like a hostage crisis? Well, I'm saying like a mugging or like a hostage You want to become the community darling. Yeah. No one would rip off little Rick. Mugging victim, little Rick. Little Rick. As you're walking across the street to the lot,

you like save a kid from getting hit by a car. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And you become like the light on the, on the hill for your whole city. Yeah. Who's going to rip that guy off? You know, an asshole. That's how he's going to rip little Rick off. He's the light that got us through the depression. Is there a way that we can get this guy a car for free? Yeah, that's easy. Kickstarter. What? Oh my God. What? Just go on Kickstarter.com and say, hey, help me buy a car. And then the payoff is I'll give you rides, whatever you want. Free rides. That's great. If you donate a hundred bucks, I will take you to the airport. Don't even worry about it. It's like a limited number of rides. Like it went for $100 at some point in your life, you're going to

need a ride. And maybe that person is not going to drive there, but they'll call someone they know or maybe get you a taxi. Yeah. Are you playing on flying into Boise, Idaho anytime soon? If so, I will pick you up. I will pick you up. No questions asked. I have a Toyota Corolla now, or I will. Give me a hundo. With your help, we can all own this car, by which I mean me. I like that. Or maybe you're feeling really generous. I'll name it after you. Dating 500 or more. I will name the car after you. There are five of this gift, so the car will have five names. My car is like the arcade fire. So many different names in there. Here's my bargaining. Go early, go crazy. Just tell them,

hey, I'm not going to pay you more than $17 for this car. Let them know that you're not coherent, that you're not. Oh, what have you just said? I will pay nothing for this car. Instead of low-balling, just no-balling. No-balling. It's like, nope. Actually, the last time I tried to negotiate with a car guy, my wife accused me of no-balling. Did you... I've never had to... I bought a car from a credit union. I've never had to haggle with a man for something that's going to be as ubiquitous in my life as an automobile. Is it something that still really happens? I feel like in this age of yell... You know what? I bought my car rebuilt, Griffin, the zombie car, and we knocked $1,000 off of it,

and it was already only $5,000. That must make you feel great, but I feel like that's the exception to the rule. In this age of Skype and Yelp and eBay, why can't I just eat, like, internet a car and, like, not have to worry about, like, I can... a comparison price... comparison shop on the... on internet. I was watching TV the other day, and Christian Slater told me about one of those places. But see, that... I feel like I'm being fucked by internet in that occasion, which is... which is way more raw than being fucked by a man. Right. Uh-huh. Well, Phil, here's my advice, because this is what I would do. Take my dad with you. Okay. Um, take Clint McRoy with you,

and have him negotiate for you. Have him be your proxy. Can we rent our dad out for situations that where you need a dad, and you... let me be clear, you need a dad when your car shopping. Uh-huh. Rental dad. Gots to have a dad in your pocket. That's the name of the business. That's the name of the business, dad in your pocket. That's also another good... if you ask your friends and family, if they know somebody who sells cars, who presumably won't flip you over and just fuck you dry. That's right there on the hood of the car! Like, you're in a poison music video. This is uncomfortable for me. You know a good... a bargaining technique if you're uncomfortable with the whole idea, like myself. Um,

get... tell them that your financier, whoever they may be, the bank or the whatever, won't give you as much as they're asking. That's a good one. Because then you decide how much you want to pay for it and say, listen, the most they're willing to give me is this. Can we work this out? Can we... can we do this price? I like that. What about just giving them the old, silent treatment? Hey, Dave, there's been a guy standing out a lot staring at that Subaru for the past two days. He's got snow and a sparrow on his shoulder. I've tried to talk to him like eight times. He just looks at me like a... like some sort of weird statue from Labyrinth. I think we should cut him a deal. Can we just give him that car for free? Can we just give him the car? I

hate that Subaru. I've never liked it being here. Drive it off the lot. Get it off the lot, Dave. Guys, last night... last night, I bit a child. I have one employee, a young woman, who is kind of a counterculture hippie type. She's great and... she's a great employee, but on warm days, she can have a pretty intense body odor. She is not dirty, so I assume she either uses no deodorant or some bullshit crystal thing. I feel like it needs to be addressed, but I'm not sure how to raise the issue without making her feel like she's in trouble or like she's gross or like I'm an asshole. That's from willing to be an asshole. If you want a practical solution, you could try to get an office conversation going

between the two of you about everyone's favorite brand of deodorant. That could make for an awkward way of bringing up the issue. I use Mitchum crystals. Who's using Mitchum? Anybody? You just... you hold them. You hold them like a foot out from your pit and it just absorbs all the stink away. And your bad vibes. And your bad vibes. Get them out. I think this is one of those situations where you should just say it. You're a boss. You're in a professional setting. She's got a job. And you should just be like, hey, I'm telling you this as a boss. You stink. My employee stink ratio is 100% because you're my only employee and you stink. All the people who work in my business stink. You know, it's... the thing is if she's not...

if she smells bad, I feel like in this day and age, if you smell bad, it's not because... it's because of a choice. You've decided to smell bad, which is not cool for anybody. I know they got chemicals in them, but I'm sure Tom the Maine makes a deodorant you can use. Yeah, Burt's Bees. Burt's Bees stink wax. Burt's B-O. I look at her and say, you don't want to be like Matthew Picano, hey, do you? I didn't think so. Can I give you the actual real answer to this question? Yeah. You're not going to say, God, you're not. You're going to live with that. And if someone comes into your business and they look at her and they say, hey, your employee smells bad, you say you tell him. How exactly do you

bring that up? Hey, it smells like a modest Yahoo concert in here. Do you have a friend or cousin or brother that's an amateur actor that could dress as a delivery man and come in with a package and just be like, whoa, you stink. And then you jump to the defense of this person, but she's made a choice to stink. She wants to stink. I got a delivery of truth here, CODU. And that way you didn't bring it up, but you started the dialogue. I think a dialogue is essential, no matter what. Well, if you have this other person as a trial log at that point, and one person's an actor. You only have one employee, so what if you went up to her and said, hey, have you noticed how that girl in her department really smells? Have you noticed how Ingracia smells really bad?

But my name's Ingracia. Oh, that's weird. Can you throw some misdirection down and wait for somebody to come into your store, which if she smells as bad is not going to keep happening for much longer. And when that person leaves, be like, man, he smelled like body odor really strong. And then just constantly throughout the day, like, man, that man's body odor stink is just sticking around. That act could go on for weeks. Like, I have to call a fucking exorcist to get that man's smell out of here. The other thing is, you know, sensey, man. You call my girl Christy. She's gonna set you up with a sensey burner. Get you some wafers, so you get something real nice to burn to melt in there. What scent wafers are you using this week?

Me. I'm using hide the hippie and my dear Watson. They're my two favorite flavors. Clothes and cinnamon and forget she's there. Those two wafers are the two wafers I'm using. I don't mean to, I don't, I don't want to sound sexist or set a double standard or something, but ladies, you are not allowed to smell bad. You know what? It makes me so uncomfortable. Everyone. Everyone, you're not allowed to smell bad. Yeah. It makes everyone uncomfortable. You're right. Because then everyone knows and no one's saying anything. And that is the recipe for an awkward situation. But if a dude sitting next to me on a bus smells bad, I'm like, oh, man, that dude smells bad. What a bummer. But if a lady sits down, a pretty free spirited

lady sits down next to me and she smells bad from her armpits. I don't just say, oh, there's a lady who smells bad. It's like, what? You mess with the whole image at that point. You're throwing griffin off. Are hippies walking around thinking like they got to get, like they want to get down people who smell bad? Is that the thing? Like, do they like that smell more? I like your musk. Your musk is so natural. This is me. Love it. You know what you're smelling? Me. That's me. That's where I am and smelling like. That's why I like Austin so much is because there are a lot of hippies here, but it gets to be about 108 degrees. And they know, they know, like they are like, I'm going to put deodorant on. Like it's against everything I believe in, but it's 108 goddamn

degrees outside. I can't do that to another person. But hold on. But just to get back to this guy's question, we all agree that as a boss, he's perfectly within his rights to smell bad. Yeah. Hey, you fucking, you fucking smell bad. Put deodorant on. You are my employee. I pay you and you smell like deodorant. Put on deodorant or I'll fire you. Okay. Give her a, don't do it in person. Give her an employee review and give personal hygiene a negative four. She has one to the bout. Say, what do you think it's about in gracious? You smell like Calamity Cafe. Get out of here. Or what about there's a fruit basket with a note on it? Like for the smelliest kid in the office. Yeah. I'm not sure

that that would be. Yeah. That's not very nice, but you get a fruit basket. That'll help all the hurt go away. It's going to soften the blow. Like, I smell, ooh, grapes. That's good Travis. Give the bad news a chocolate coating saying I'm giving you a bonus for smelling really bad. I'm an extra $5 a week to buy deodorant. You smello? Yeah. Running you to chief smello, smello. Get out of here. Is it possible that she does wear deodorant, but she's just this? She's just rank. Oh God, what if it is like a serious like medical condition she has and you're like, hey, why don't you ever wear deodorant hippie? And she's like, I actually have medical strength. I have prescription deodorant. I have prescription deodorant. It's a problem I've

dealt with my entire life. Thank you so much for bringing it up. I use, I use Old Spice RX. It's strong enough. I even had to fork out extra for new spice. It's strong enough. It's strong enough for a man and also strong enough for a woman with a horrible genetic predisposition to producing sweat from their arms. I had to go out and buy the deodorant that's strong enough for a bear. Griffin, how about you treat us to a yahoo? Sure. This one, this one was sent by Krysta Whalen. Thank you, Krysta. It's by y'all. Mr. Toucan who asks, what if everything was shaped like a penis? What if everything in the world was shaped like a penis? Buildings, buses, cars, shoes, fridges, etc. Would women like that?

I have news for this guy. Maybe you haven't looked at a skyline recently. Everything is shaped like a penis with a man's world. A penis has a tiny radio antenna coming out of the top of it. So that's, yes. Right. I would like to pick up all the vibes. The ladies. I would like to hear this guy's question as if he and his friends often like use the phrase, you know, everything shaped like a penis. And then he's like, what if everything was shaped like a penis? Literally everything. What if I was reading this question off a penis-shaped computer? That's just not the, that's not the best viewing experience I feel. Also, how would you give directions to anybody? To just turn left at the penis thing? I'll meet you by the cock. Like, I don't know,

I don't know which one because everything, your shape. No, no, the veiny one. Yeah. I think my favorite misconception about this is that women are walking around every day wishing everything was shaped like a penis. Man, I wish, I sure wish I could see some penis-shaped things today. Right. If only this cell phone was shaped like a penis. Well, this dog biscuit was shaped like a penis. Although, I bet there are probably some angry women somewhere that have penis-shaped dog biscuits. You know, it would help to lend a, just an extra air of whimsy to the poster for shaft. Just think, wow, that's a, they weren't really with the extra mile. But this, this man wasn't thinking laterally. Laterally, he wasn't thinking about- He wasn't thinking across all the different

possibilities. You've got to think about the big picture. We're talking about literature. We're talking about, try to read a book, but the pages are in the shapes of dicks. Right. So, you get like two words, three words, three words, three words, and then like ten words, this is the balls. What if this was like a fucking Twilight Zone episode and even the words were shaped like dick? Travis, this is every, we've got to invent a new language where every character was a dick. So, you're saying like, the book two would be shaped like a penis, you mean? That's what I'm saying. It would be like, eat, pray, love, hide it when the kids come in the room. Yeah. So, basically what it is, is this is a guy who has spent his life, I don't know, killing dicks or

something, or just like making fun of dicks, and then he wakes up one day and he's shaped like a dick, and everything's shaped like a dick, and the books are shaped like dicks, and the words are shaped like dicks, and like his breakfast is shaped like dicks, and he's just in the middle of Town Square spinning around the dick-shaped Town Square screaming, dicks! Yeah, and then a dick-shaped ghost comes up and is like, shouldn't it kill all those dicks? What? What are you talking about? Killing dicks? And then it pulls out to vagina-shaped scientists saying, shut it down. Yeah. That's my favorite episode. Twist. You know, uh, do you know that later New Moe directed that episode? A lot of little trivia. I could tell. It had a lot of his signature, uh,

uh, signatures on it. Dicks. A lot of signature dicks. A lot of his signature dicks in it. Can I? A dick-shaped lens on a dick-shaped TV? Is that what we're doing? Is that a dick-shaped filter? Mm-hmm. I could really tell. Put it on channel dick-dick, because the numbers are dicks too, people. Oh, god! I think that this man's main point is, um, is fallacious, and that is that, uh, women would like it, because I think that after a while, it wouldn't be, like, if every letter in the alphabet looked like a dick, then when I got a special woman in the bedroom and showed her my treasure, she'd be like, yep. Like, so? What if everything was dick-shaped except dicks? Yeah. And your dick was shaped like a sitar, maybe, or another? Sitar's kind of like a dick a little bit.

What if it was like you could choose it? Like, you know, maybe you want it to look like, you know, a clownfish. I don't know, it's up to you. Yeah. Maybe not. Wait, are they not supposed to look like clownfish? I have to go to the doctors, all the doctors now. Dr. Maya, my treasure looks like Nemo, and it's not supposed to. Can you, um, use all your dick tools that are all shaped like dicks? Get it from your dick-shaped bag. Get me the 916th dick. Nice. God, surgery would be awful, wouldn't it? Give me that super sharp dick. No, Phillips head dick. It was Phillips head dick. This is a flathead dick. Like Dick Tracy. What? Gumshoes. All the Dick Tracy villains would be dick-shaped. Dick head. That's why, this is why my rogues gallery, dick head, penis face,

rod pants, like. This is, and mumbles, mumbles. This is, uh, I hope that this is the first episode our grandmother listens to. Yeah. I heard what you said. I heard those things. Don't try this. Those things, but the dick world. Thanksgiving is ruined, boys. That's my favorite series of fantasy novels. Right, dick world? Yeah. They, uh, yeah, I really liked the most recent one. I don't have a punchline, which is a great sign that I need to move on to the next question. One of my best friends moved back to town in order to switch colleges, and he has been looking for a job ever since. I recently got him an interview at the store I work at, and he landed the job. It's just a crappy retail job. When I told my girlfriend this, she voiced her concern that

interacting with my friend in a work environment may adversely affect our relationship. Now, I feel like I just sabotaged my friendship. Should I not worry about it, or should I tell my boss my friend has a drug problem before he stops working? Help, brothers. That's friend of the financially flustered in Florida. Does your friend actually have a drug problem? Yeah, then it's just full disclosure. Do we need to have a talk? I think it's fun. Yeah. Personally, I mean, I've had friends work at most every job that I've had, and it's nice to have somebody else you can chat about work with outside of the workplace. I don't think it's damaging at all, really. The only time that it ever affected me adversely is when I worked

at Best Buy, and I was trying to get promoted. I was trying to get that cheddar, and I was taking it far too seriously. I worked with my dear, dear friend, Michael Bradbury, who's kind of a goofball, and people would constantly... Yeah, he is. He's a cat bird, and people would often... My bosses would be like, hey, where's Bradbury? He's three and a half hours late or whatever, and I'd be like, I don't know. He's your friend. Then it was kind of a bummer. You wouldn't throw him under the bus for corporate gain? No. Fuck no. I'm from Best Buy. He's my BFF. I've gotten many a friend hired at the institution I work with. There is always the danger. I mean, I think that's the bigger worry than... I think that's a bigger worry than your friendship going to pot is your boss, the first

time they fuck up, your boss coming to you and saying, hey, your friend is working out really bad. I don't like how they stock anything. Your friend's body odor is poopastic. Can you talk to... Oh my God. I hate your dick-shaped friend. I got the answer, guys. The guy needs to hire someone else. He needs to hire a second employee and then fire them for being rude and commenting on her body odor. Do you have a friend or cousin that's an amateur actor? Do you have a friend? Do you just have... It has to be just an outspoken... Can you... an outspoken person like... If you can get Jack Hay to come... Can you hire Star Jones for a week? And if your friend is Star Jones, then I wouldn't worry too much about getting them hired because

she's got enough charisma to light up a room. She's going to get the gig on her own, and there's not going to be any problems there. I've worked with my brother for four years, and... Yeah, well, we do it remotely, but still, yeah. Yeah, I think it's brought us together. I work with a lot of friends. I don't think it's an inherent problem. I think it... I'm trying to see what the problem would be if you don't care about your job. If you care about your job, but you describe it as a crappy retail job, like what are you going to lose? You know, as long as you keep your head clear and you're like, lose my best friend. I'm just happy to, like, hang out with him at work. Also, if it's a crappy retail job and you have a new guy in there who's your buddy, then you have two

people to plan Ocean's Eleven-esque heists with. Yeah. Because that's the only reason people have retail jobs anymore, right? It's just... It's just steel. Just steel. Just steel. Hand over face. Yeah. I got fired for stealing a blockbuster. Oh, please. Please tell this story. What? You got to tell everyone what you stole. So, I... Things got really rugged towards the last few months of my tenure at Blockbuster. And you know how you can sell... You know, people have late fees and you can put on your computer and dismiss them, but you can do that with, like, you could sell things to your account, right? So, like, if they didn't return the movie, you could sell the movie to their account and then it shows

up like a late fee, basically, and you can clear the late fee and you can steal things that way. And the special edition of Fight Club came out and I sold it to my account and then I deleted my late fees. And as it turned out, that copy was the copy that I sold to my account was the boss's copy that he had reserved to buy himself. So, what I had done was I had stolen my boss's copy of Fight Club. Now, I tell this story not to talk about my own failings as a human being, because I think we've all got dark things in our past. Sure. I tell this story to demonstrate how little he really understood the concepts being espoused in Fight Club. He should have celebrated. I feel like a true fan would have really enjoyed what I was trying to do.

Can I ask a question? Please, yeah. This whole scenario is very clever. Why didn't you just stick Fight Club down your pants and leave the store? Well, A, okay. A, cameras. Okay. B, a musky guy. I don't have a lot of room in there. I see. I think that's first degree stealing. I think that's first degree stealing, Griffin. Any Tom, Dick, or Harry can do that. Yeah. This was Ocean's Eleven style stealing, and I like it. Now, should I have sold it to an account that did not explicitly have my name on it? Maybe. That's quite a paper trail there, Macaroy. Hindsight and all that. And you would have gotten away with it, too. Well, no. If I had had a best friend working there,

they could have helped me plot through the details. They could have said like, hey, that belongs to Philip, and he does not really understand the movie. He is your employer. You should remove the sticker that says this is stolen from the cassette tape. So first day of your friend working at this job, pull him into the back room and be like, listen, I hired you for one reason and one reason only. I got you this job so you could help me steal some movies and stuff. You're our man on the inside. We're taking this back from Body Works Apart. I brought you here for one reason and one reason only, so you can watch for the boss while I huff off the helium tank. That is another thing I used to do

at Blockbuster. That is I do not have a good defense for. I thought that you... I was the watch guard. I should point out my friend, Jimmy, is the one who would get high and black out just in a big pile of amarrés. I always thought that the film that you acquired, which was your downfall with showgirls, I always thought that was the case. No, it was Fight Club, which makes the irony. I mean, I feel like... If I walked out with showgirls, I would have embarrassed, but Fight Club, I feel like what would Tyler Durden do? That was it. And by the way, I apparently bought into that mythos a little bit too much as a young man. I think we all did as young men.

I remember watching that film and then I went and I got in a shower and I just turned the heat up as hot as it could go. Yeah, the pain is real. It's not real. It is real. It just hurts. I watched that movie and then I got fired from my job at the dog kennel for stealing dogs. No. I think you can put them down in your pants, tough guy. You got fired from the dog kennel because you didn't want to clean... I didn't want to squeeze butts. You didn't want to clean out dog buttholes. I refuse to squeeze buttholes. I don't think that's a revolutionary concept. I thought I was taking a fucking stand being like, no, I will not squeeze that dog's butthole.

This is like dog equal rights. I wouldn't want someone squeezing my butthole. Do it to others. Hey, there you go. Say, Ingracia, can you come into my office? I think you may need to go have your anal gland professionally squeezed because you do smell very bad. I believe something on you needs to be expressed. Don't do that. Don't do that. That won't work either. I'm pretty sure if you say that sentence to a working good jail. Hey, there's this girl I like at school and before she goes to her class, we usually hug. The problem is that when we hug, I usually have an increased amount of blood flow to my nether

region. I am worried that she will feel it while we're hugging and end up thinking that I am perverted but I can't really control it. Is there a way to stop my mini me from rising to the occasion? That's from concern in California. I wish we got more questions like that. I love this honesty. I can't. There were more ways to say this man had an erection without saying that he had an erection that made me so uncomfortable than I could count in this. Well, why are you hugging? That's the thing I can't get away from. You're sitting there and it's before school and she has to go to class so you hug goodbye every morning. Why are you hugging?

Travis, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard and I don't want to crush it because I don't... Is he an 80-year-old man pretending to be a kid in school? That's a weird thing to do if it's just like your friend. Is she like your lady? Are you guys... You're making it sound like eight o'clock. It's hug time. He says they usually hug. So like Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. He doesn't force her to do it if she's uncomfortable. Yeah. Travis, if this is a thing that has happened before, you pop in an instant chubby in this embrace, an instant embrace chubby and she keeps hugging you. Maybe your boner knows something. She doesn't. You don't. Somebody. Your boner is the only one thinking through this situation. I think it's time to show the clownfish.

Give her the old sitar. Give her the sitar. Sighting. She deserves it. Um, you know what? Boners are beautiful and that's a way of life, especially when you're in school. Just get the boner. I wish I could still get a boner. Maybe yet. Not since me enjoying it. Instead of rubbing it in people's faces. Not since the fire. Has Justin enjoyed that feeling? Yeah. I can't get a boner anymore. I can like. Maybe, maybe you just go for it and next time you do it, just hug her real close. Here's the problem. Oh boy. You like that. That's good. That's not at all like sexual harassment. Nope. Um, you get bonus when you're in high school. They just happen. They, they, they

apparate like, like Harry Potter. Yeah. You get assigned bonus like you do a locker combination. Yeah. I do enjoy though that we, I, why do we have classes in high, in, in algebra two and trigonometry when hiding boners is not on the menu and it should be how to handle your boner? Um, you do not. It was an elective for me, but I, I mean, I wasn't on that track. No. Oh, I had a home back instead of cooking. I took hiding the boner a AP. So I got college credit for it. That's nice. That's nice. Um, I took how to cook with your boner. I just combined the two. It was a special track I created. Okay, double credit. Here's the deal. Um, I think that what I said before I'm sticking with, I think it's time for you to make a move.

Either poop or get off the pot and tell this girl you're interested in it. Start using those boners for good. He doesn't necessarily have to be interested in her to get a boner. I got a boner. But he says there's this girl I like at school. He likes her. Yeah. I got a, I got boners every day in Spanish class in high school and it wasn't because like my, I had a busty teacher. But like apropos of nothing, just the only thing I can think is that it's a romance language and that fact in and of itself is enough to stiffen. I say if he likes this girl, if he's hugging her and getting the bone, then he needs to be like, Hey, let's go see a movie. Travis, he could, he could, he could be, he could have a binder resting on his lap and get a boner.

Like it has nothing to do with him liking this girl. He likes having a warm soft surface to press up against. Oh, I see what you're saying. But he needs this one of those microwavable bean bags. He needs, he needs to desensitize himself. Yeah. He needs a, a sumo chair that he can really explore. He needs to explore his body on a sumo chair. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah. Can I say yahoo me? No, this one was sent in by Lisa Holofield or Holofield. I haven't decided yet. It's biathlon. Time is coming up. At times, fast approaching, you need to make that decision. It's biathlon. It's a loser who asks, what insults have you called your pet? My uncle just called his kitten a dumb bitch whore. How have you or your loved ones insulted

your pets? I love animals. I'm not mean to pets. I just think it's funny calling them names behind their backs when gossiping. Wait, what? Excuse me? Gossiping about the pets? Hey, have you, have you noticed how fat Whiskers has been getting? Okay, how chubby Whiskers smells like he has B.O. Who's going to tell him? Are you using Crustals Whiskers? I hear Professor Mittens will go down on any cat with just a little bit of nip. Yep. Oh, it takes. Hey, hey, hey, everybody, if you want to gossip to your cat or gossip about your pets, just do it to their goddamn faces. Yeah. They're stupid. Pringles. Pringles, you are a slut. You're a slut, Pringles. Oh, god. Nobody likes you. Rufy? Rufy? Yeah. Rufio? It's short for Rufio. Okay. Hey, Lord Barkington, Mayor of Puppy Shire,

come over here real quick. You're adopted. Oh, shit. Not that there's anything wrong with being adopted. Isn't every dog adopted? Well, some are birth dogs. Hey, Lord Eddard Bark, get over here. You're a dick. I hate you. Why don't you just name your cat Fartface? They don't know. They'll answer to you. They don't care. I wish I lived a life free of fear that was conducive to me calling other people's pets names. Oh, my. You know what I mean? Like, if I could just go to Justin's house and then go right and like, hey, it's good to see you. Oh, yeah, I know. I haven't seen you in so long. What's up you fat slut? Here's the catch about gossiping about your pets. First off, that's something a crazy person does. More importantly,

though, what burn are you going to lay on your cat that is equal to scooping their poop out? Like, oh, yeah, pretty good one. Pretty good one, Justin. Did you want to go scoop some of my feces out of sand? Because that's what you're doing this afternoon. Me, me, I'm going to lay on this chair and shed. What I do is I routinely withhold food from my cat, not forever, just like a half hour, just like a half hour an hour when I know she's really hungry. And then I tell her that I don't want to feed her because she's getting fat. Okay. And then eventually I do feed her. But I do it saying, all right, if you want to get fat, a weird relationship. I don't want the cat to like me. I don't like the cat. It's Teresa's cat. I don't want to like you. You want the cat to be the greatest

ballerina in here. Listen, she's got the skills. She's got the talent. She just needs the drive. That's what I'm here for. Huh? Your apartment sounds like Guantanabe for cats. She may not thank you someday, but the world will thank you for giving me the greatest cat ballerina. I am routinely also training my cat to make hilarious cat videos to the internet. It's basically like a boot camp for that. Can the cat upload them? Yeah. You guys know Maru? If she wants to get fed, she will. You guys know Maru? Maru was beaten to sleep every night as a baby, a tiny cat as a child. It's a cat child. I hear. She's a real bitch. And a real dynamo as a sack. Yeah, everyone here's my one problem with this and we can make fun of

this as much as we want. And I can never shake the feeling that maybe just maybe that cat or dog that I'm making fun of is a witch is familiar. Yeah. Oh God, that's such a present problem today. I know. What if, what if I might get out of here, you fat lazy bitch? Yeah. And then she goes back to her witch and I get cursed. Or what if she is a witch? What if it's Kathy Najimi just transformed, made feline and you made fun of her? Oh God, it's Sarah Jessica Parker, everyone duck. I'm sorry. Wait a second. You see a witch? So just SJP? Yeah. SJP, Kathy Najimi, and Bet Medler. That's the, that's Team Hocus Pocus. That's my new bar trivia name. We're Team Pocus. I actually am feeling right now like Griffin has not seen the film Hocus Pocus.

I think that's what we're getting at. Great. I need confirmation that you've seen Hocus Pocus. I've seen Hocus Pocus. What's the name of the cat? Welcome to our new show, Hocus Pocus Trivia. It's called Hocus. What's the name of the cat? It's called Hocus Jocus. It's a comedy podcast about Hocus Pocus the movie. I thought, and I was ready to go on this trip with you, Travis, that you were saying Sarah Jessica Parker is a literal witch. She has literal, she has literal children's bones in her house that she uses to cast spells. Listen, I'm not, I'm not ready to say that. I'm saying nobody can inherently prove that she doesn't cast the black art. I'm going to say that I don't not know for certain that she's not a witch. I think if you're saying looks alone,

witch Hollywood celebs look like witches. It's, it's uh, Laura Flynn Boyle, Laura Flynn Boyle, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Blythe Danner. Okay, I'll give you all this. I think Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning is a witch baby. She looks like a child witch. She's like aging in reverse. Right, yeah. That's what I, I, which, oh, which is age in reverse. And of course Brad Pitt is a warlock because his, his looks are magical. Okay. I'm saying it's not just looks. I'm saying if there's a person on this planet who bakes children into pastries, um, then doesn't eat them and then does not eat them. It is Sarah Jessica Parker. That's wasteful. Hey, my wife has been together for seven years. They're children starving in Africa that you could bake into things.

My, my wife and I have been together for seven years and for seven years I've been in utter disappointment on the dance floor. Whenever we go out, I usually end up just hanging at the bar while she dances with her friends. Uh, she says it's not a big deal, but I would love to be able to enjoy a night out with my wife without being the awkward guy at the bar. Should I take measures to learn to dance or just embrace my role as that guy that can dance? At least two left feet, maybe more. It's the name of that question asked. Hey, Brocef, here's the thing. The only person that thinks you can't dance is you. Oh, yeah. I think you can dance. I don't know what skills people think everyone else has when they say like,

I can't dance. I'm not a good dancer. Have you watched anyone else dance? The dancing used you used to be able to use that. I don't think people get this. When you see someone like in an old movie or something say, I can't dance. What they mean is like, I don't know. I don't I literally haven't been trained on the steps of the cha-cha and the bunny hop. Right. I don't know the Fox tribe. I don't know. Today, people just look like they're cooking. If you stand and to the rhythm look like you're like stirring some mashed potatoes or mashing some potatoes or eating mashed potatoes like any one of those. Yeah, any mashed potato based move is gonna help you out. Lugging in the beer. Instant mashed potatoes. Lugging in the beer to whip up mashed

potatoes. The gravy pour, the gravy pour, the gravy pour. Spice them up right, spice them up right, spice them up right. Like chunky, chunky, chunky mashed potatoes. Add the cream, add the cream, add the cream, add the cream, add the cream. This just became a cramp and I'm so happy. Can I give you the real secret? Can I give you my secret stuff? Can be all your dancing secrets. Here's my secret stuff. This is a true story. So last night I went to a party where I did not know many people and I was sort of nervous. And then, by the way, if you don't know any macaroys very well, I do not know many people is how every story of us getting too drunk starts. So what happened next was I got too drunk

and then I started dancing so hard that my wallet fell out of my pants. So I went, I went from, oh, I don't, I'm so, I'm kind of nervous to be here because I don't know any glug glug glug. Hey, where's my wallet? Courage, courage, courage. I dance so hard. Listen, take, take a page out of middle school and high school Travis and learn to dance. Go to your wife who is dancing, grasp her by the hips and then just do whatever she does. Just backwards. Yeah, just shadow her. Whatever she does, you lock on and you do that. Or you could just, the other thing you could do is some, some men take out this wrote this, sorry, I got an email that was just tracking. What you could do is you could just, and this, this works for some men, I can't pull it off because

people expect moves from me, but some men just get out on the dance floor with their ladies and then they just sort of stand there like a maple for their lady to dance around. You could do what our dear friend Bobby Glasser does, which is get out there and just fucking pull moves like Jagger. Just sway. Just go to town. Jimmy, shake. Just a little as expected from you. It really is. Most dancing that, especially the dancing that guys do in like this sort of scenario, it's basically just listening to the music really hard. Yeah. You look like you're really listening to it. Like, man, I'm hearing every beat of this. Maybe you got a pee a little bit, so you're kind of like shifting. Right. Yes, exactly. If you make really intense noises,

people are just going to think you're dancing really good. Like, oh fuck. Like, you don't even have to move your feet. Yeah. And if you get lost, this is pretty easy. Actually, if you don't know the next move, you raise your hand up and say, oh, shit. This is my jam. Yeah. Most people, you said, most of you used to do that. It's a stall. They're thinking that next move they're going to do. This is a common rookie mistake. Don't start singing along to the song. Yeah. That is a dead giveaway that you don't know what you're doing. Right. That is middle school hygiene. Sing one of like three or four words that really resonate with you. You know what I mean? Yes. So you'll be like, on that September day, and like the whole crowd will just like

raise their hands with you. Yeah. You know? Like, if you listen to Alex Jackson music. And then when the music ends and the next song starts that you're not comfortable with, they're about to get another drink. Yeah. Like, oh, I got to take a break. Too hard. I'm saying like, you're never going to get better sitting at the bar. Don't sit at the bar. You might feel foolish the first like couple of times you go out there, but no one's looking at you. No one gives two shits about what you're doing because they're all thinking about how awkward they look. Right. I cut my dancing teeth at a bar in Huntington called Club Echo. On Saturday nights, they would have five dollar pictures of mixed drinks. And I would get so tipsy, topsy-turvy

on Long Island Ice Tea. And then it wasn't up to me anymore. Like, no, then you get taken over by the rhythm. Yeah. Right. We'll let the rhythm move you. And once you do enough of that, then I think you can start dancing, um, Sands Booze. Just not when you're younger. Don't ever, don't ever dance Sands Booze. No. And your wife loves you. She doesn't care if you look foolish. And she's probably worried about how foolish she looks. Hey, guy, if you're not out there, if you're not going to go out there and you're going to lose her. Yeah. You don't want to lose her to you. Here's, I think that guy. Slick moves. Dancing, um, for men is almost always an active contrition. I feel like it's like I'm bringing myself to this shame level for you because I love you so much.

Look at me move. Look at my big dumb body move. Look at my stupid, stupid flesh. Just jiggle for you. I hate you. I love you. But I love you. And then if you find a weird move that you can do to me like this is the Todd. Everybody do the Todd. There is always the risk that you are going to start a dance craze. Um, that fear is present. Guys, real quick, Rachel Branson sent in this Yahoo! answer. It's by Yahoo! Answers user D who wants to know if you knew you was about to die, what would be your last meal? I was thinking if I ever get the death sentence, what would be my last meal? I'm wondering what other people would have. I was thinking a double, an extra large double bacon cheese burger meal super-sized from Burger King. But what to have for dessert?

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Why are you sad? You know what? The irony is that if you have a double bacon super-sized chunder meal from Burger King, that will be your last meal. A chunder blender. From Burger King. I prefer to go to Outback and get the chunder from Down Under. Yep. What did you get at Burger King? A mistake. Yeah. But that's okay. You get one last meal and you can pick from anything. And right after that, you're going to be killed. What do you want? Some Burger King? Yeah. Can you give me some Burger King? Can you tip down to BK and get me some twists? The only thing I can think is that that is a play. You're making a play so that the governor feels so bad for you that he decides not to kill you because you're already dead inside. Right. Yeah.

What did she ask for? She asked for Burger King. Okay, I'm going to give a stay execution here so I can talk to her. I want to find out what's up with this. She asked for shitty fish sticks. I get some of those crown-shaped chicken tenders. And the crown so everybody knows I'm and so I can say with my electric throne. I want to be the king of dead. I used to be the king of rape murder and now I will be the king of heaven. Do they still have those Oreo blast things? No, they don't. They're going to be an Oreo blast and an execution crown. What's up Jesus? Sorry, bro. Check the crown. Oh my God, wheels and the rest of the BK Kids Club.

They're all here. Welcome me in. Fly me to heaven, big kid. Dead man, why don't you die with looking at the picture of the BK Kids Club like Susan Sarandon. The last face you see is going to be a face of love from wheels and goggles. Well, why is wheels in heaven still in a wheelchair? Wait a minute. You mean it was an act this whole time? I wish I'd rape murdered you two wheels. My one regret. Do you have any last words? Yeah, I wish I'd killed the Burger King. They're a bunch of fucking. What are you? What are you in for?

Oh, God, I killed the Burger King. I wish I hadn't touched Grimace. I wish I would have saved it for the kids club. Hey, hey, Burger King kids club. I want to hear Griffin's last question. First, uh, first housekeeping, um, mbmbam.com is our website. We are hugely appreciative of I can't say we're hugely popular. We're hugely popular on the internet. Thank you. We're real big. Uh, uh, office underscore memo. It's been tweeted about the show. Our buddy Chunky Mouth Andrew Peters 88 X master B X tobacco Andy Hunt got some new people. Did you guys see any new, uh, new converts, people who had been putting it off and then finally got on board Randy Jackson,

Randy Jackson finally put down the base and picked up an iPod and listen to our, uh, listen to our show. So I appreciate that. Uh, weird Viking. Thank you for, for tweeting about the show. Thank you to everybody who, um, hadn't been listening before who just started, um, spreading the word. I think those are about to listen. Of course. We salute you. Our old friend Casey Green still spread the, spread the word. So thank you to everyone. That's really the only way our show grows is, is by, by telling people about the show and, and, um, et cetera. Um, also want to mention real quick, our buddy Bob Ball, whose dulcet tones you hear starting the show every week. He's got a new show that's a lot of fun called pop quizzical.

You can just search for that all one word on iTunes or he's actually on, um, uh, Twitter under that same handle, but it's a, uh, it's a really short trivia show where he does a specific topic every week and then you test yourself to see how well you can, uh, how well you can answer his questions. It's about nine living dead this week. It's really good. I really, I really do. It's very well produced too, which I like. Is it sounds like, uh, that, uh, wait, wait, uh, wait, wait, I need it. What is it? Wait, wait, I should know this. Wait, wait, don't do it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, don't do it. Don't kill wheels. Don't write murder in the Birkin kids club. Uh, oh, and mace in your face and always AMH spreading, spreading the,

the, the gospel as it were. And congratulations to church's wife, uh, who, who was our thousandth tweet. Girl Casey. So thank you and congratulations. Um, I want to thank John Roderick real quick. Can I, can I do that? Yeah, we got time. Uh, thank you to John Roderick in the long winters for, uh, the use of our theme song. It's a departure. You can find that tune and many other amazing tunes on the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Um, yeah, you should, uh, you should go, you should go pick up that whole discography. Um, I, oh, if you've got a query, something in your life that you need a little help with, why don't you email us in bnbm at maximumfund.org. Email us and just say, Hey guys, I've got a short question and I need you to answer it.

Maybe we will. Who knows? It's hard to say. You know, if you attach a dollar bill on there, yeah, couldn't hurt. Slide a picture of a dollar bill in and we'll see what we can work out for you. Uh, Griffin, I think it's time for the last, sorry, I know our new shirt isn't up yet, but, uh, it'll be up soon. I promise. Or just ask the people on topotako on, on to batiko on the, on the internet. Say, Hey guys, where's that new shirt? Hey guys, what the fuck? What the fuck? Everyone, we want to see your Halloween costumes this year, so make sure you tweet them out and maybe you want to touch mbmbam to there and we can see them. Yeah, do that, but put that in the hashtags, we can see them. If you go

in a, my brother, my brother and me themed Halloween costume, I will say your name on this program. Boom. There it is. There it is. Deal with it. And if you can get two friends and you can cosplay as us all the better. I, I will lose my mind if you do. But don't just take a picture of you and two friends. It's us. I want to see distinguishing features. Yeah. Or anybody goes, Hey, Jeffrey, if you want, I don't care. Yeah. You wear a Jeffrey costume, you are not getting any dream. If you go as a horny ghost horse, I will, I will hug you next time I see you. Well, not if you're wearing that costume though, because. Griffin. This final question was sent by Lisa Nikolai. Thank you, Lisa. It's by Yahoo Answers. Use your question, Mark,

who asks. Thanks for pooping in my car, Wendy. Thank God I had leather seats. What should I do? I'm just a macro. I'm trying this and I'm already a macro. This has been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad. So, wear on the lips.