My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 79: Who Guginoed?

Episode Date: November 7, 2011

This week, the McElroy brothers are celebrating their own birthdays. All three of them. They were all born on the same day, because their parents would never do something so cruel as to leave one of them out of shared birthday festivities. Suggested talking points: Birthdaze, Trivia Stragglers, Itchy Secrets, Lump Sums, Heart's Desire, Five Minutes of Seaman Humor, Purest Truesilver, Goof Ya to Sleep

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's the most wonderful time of the year. Pretty sure that's exactly how you started it last year. Is it really? Well, that's a tradition now. Now it's not me ripping off a bit for myself for a year ago. It's a tradition. It is the birthday episode, all three of us, November 8th,

blowing it up with our big B-day, a B-day spectrum. Time for a birthday to all three of us. Travis, are you stoked about your B-day? I'm so stoked. What are you looking forward to the most? The presents, the gifts, the cheer? The chicken fried bacon. You're going to get some chicken fried bacon for your birthday. I'm going to get all the chicken fried bacon for my birthday. Is that a gift? What's the opposite of what a gift is for your heart and liver? It's a punishment. Now Griffin, what is your big birthday plan? My big birthday plan is to put myself into a state of cryo sleep for six months until it

is really my birthday. Okay, well let's take a quick poll. I feel like everybody on the show's birthday is November 8th, so let me go around and we'll see if we at my birthday is November 8th. Yeah. Oh, my birthday's November 8th. My birthday is November 8th. No, wait. No, it's not. That does not ring true. It's April 17th. Wow, that sucks. It's so fucking far. I could not be fucking further away. And it sucks because I know the two of you were conceived on Valentine's Day. It just adds up. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. And when was I? Not on this day.

What could I possibly have been? What special? Fourth of July? Fourth of July. I guess I could be. Those fireworks going off. It's pretty romantic. I can't do this to you. You're killing me. I love you. Let's conceive. Two birthday presents now is what I mean. I can't even handle this advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your minimalist brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your youngest brother. Most independent. Not celebrating. No birthday today. That's patriotic, brother. My wife just brought me coffee. That's awesome.

Oh, man. Yeah. Wait, your wife just brought me coffee. That's impossible. Holy shit. Time Walker. It's a birthday miracle. It's a birthday miracle. My wife's the Time Walker. This is, of course, an advice show for the modern era. Let's dip right in to the help, to the advice. I feel like it's going to be a good show. We got a lot of exciting stuff today. We got guest stars, several guest stars. Is it their birthday? Do we even bother to ask? It may or may not be their birthday. Let's assume it is. Let's assume it's all of their birthdays. We've got a big, big live show announcement.

We've got lots of people to help and so much more. Let's dip right in. My friends and I go weekly to a pub trivia night. About two months ago, two strangers asked to join our team. That was fine. But then they started showing up almost every week. This could have been okay, but they're both quite full of themselves. Talk over the other people. Don't let people provide questions to answers. They're sucking the joy out of our trivia experience. So how do we get them off the team? And that is actually from Team Krakoswine. It's one of the oldest stories in the book. People who have spent years educating themselves on trivia, the one area in which minutia escapes

them is in matters of the human heart. That's why we're here. That is rarely a subject of pub trivia night. Yeah. Usually just go with superior vena cava. That's usually what's up. I think I maybe have done bar trivia once. Yeah. Is this like a high stakes game? It gets pretty high fee. Yeah. It gets hot. It gets hot. I've been on two award-winning trivia teams. The Amazing Larry and the Robert C. Bird Institute for Trivia. And both like Real Grand Slam high stakes teams. And we got to the national championships. Won a few grand though. I mean it gets hot. I just don't understand this kind of heightened emotion where you can't just be like,

hey, I think maybe it's just going to be me and my friends tonight. Well, friendship honestly can't factor into it because you need to build a streamlined minutia-knowing machine that you need to put together an internet of people that know everything. You need to build it. You need to make a human Google. And it's hard to do that when you let a bunch of randos in. Well, what if you just like wore a visor and carried around a clipboard and walked up to them and said, hey, you're cut. Yeah. You're out. I think that's an option. I think you could show everybody could show up as a new team next week. A Reformed. Like, you know, when they, you know, when they reform a band with everybody except one guy, you're like, wait a minute.

Oh, you were a member of Jefferson Airplane. Right. You're Jefferson Starship. We're Jefferson Trivia Starship. We actually are going a whole new direction. What am I thinking of? Who did that? It was a whole same band except for the one person there. I mean, I guess Van Halen is sort of like that, but they remain the same band. It'll come to me. I guess the Elvis Costello's imposters are sort of like that because they're the attractions. And they cut Elvis Costello out. And they cut Elvis Costello out. Now they just bad career. Now they just do Jefferson Airplane songs. That's a good that's a good option to make a new team. Also, if they're randos, just say to tell them to start their own goddamn team. Yeah, like, hey, I don't fucking know you.

I don't know. Please stop. You're not my buddy. Yeah. We're not bros. Could you do like a surgical like skip three nights? Yeah, see that I usually do that whenever I used to do karaoke at this one place. I had some cleaners, you know, people liked my star power, right? That you have a star quality and I'm attracted to that. I want to be near you. I want to be near you. And eventually, I want to be nearing around you and eventually I had to stop coming for a little bit and give me time to cool cool their jets, you know, ice their heels, let it orbit around another star for a few minutes, see how that works out. And and and after a few weeks, I came back cleansed, cleansed, but they were doing them. I was doing the master cleanse, weren't they?

That's important to the stage, the stage door, Johnny's waiting. We're doing the old juice karaoke diet, nothing but ginger water. And I was saying so good afterward. No toxins, no toxins in this body. That's a good remedy. That's a good home remedy tip. What about just sitting in a smaller table? Why don't you go fucking solo? That's a power play. That's like that's like going solo in Uker. It's like you got it. You got to have the faith in yourself to achieve your dreams. If you do, if you do do it, though, please refer to yourself as Cromdor the all knowing. Oh, no, no, I'm a member of Team Jeff. What's your team name? Dave. That is that's just that's my name is Dave. I think you just tell him to stop. I mean, like America, we got to get better

at telling randos where to get off. These are randos and their stop is this week. You tell them, listen, guys, this is kind of a French thing that we did with friends. And we we need you to go. You can go right there. There's the door. Here's the thing there. I can't think of any repercussions that could happen. It's not like you're going to kick them off the team and they're going to like make your tires or make a better team. See, that's all I can think is that they come back at you as like the, you know, river bottom nightmare band and they take you out. I can't. I think you have to be very clear if they're the weak links in your team. That's the more important thing. And maybe if you have some sort of, wait a minute, what if you have some sort of

trivia showdown? You say the team's too crowded, we need to winnow it down to the essentials. And then you have a series of questions that only relate to things that you and your friends need to know. Do you remember at Steve's birthday party last year? What kind of cake did we have? Darla, who did you blow and never tell anyone about it? It's me. Sorry, Jeff. Sorry, Randy. You're off the team. Assholes. This situation seems to happen a lot. More than just team trivia occasions. It happens a lot and it sucks every time it does. If you're at a concert and there's somebody there who doesn't know anybody, so there's like, hey, can I hang out with your group? You can't say no. But at the same time, I guess. This is a much different question though

if it's one person. Because I feel like one person, that's just sort of like a nice thing you're doing. These guys are a unit. You know, like they're two dudes. Just tell them to go. Tell them it's time to go. I think that the problem is if they had been like, can I join your team? And then they would have been awesome and like buying drinks for everybody and super cool and getting all the questions right. No problem whatsoever. But they failed the audition. They suck at this. They're not getting the questions right. They talk over people. I think that you're perfectly within your rights. Be like, hey, we let you onto our team. We tried it out and it's just not working out. Thanks. Can I can I talk about it? A serious character deficit that this

country is experiencing right now? It seems like, and I don't know if I've ever had this kind of friend, but it seems like the pushy sort of bossy sassy friend is gone. It's no longer exists. He's like the bee. He's like the modern bee. He's gone. He's just vanished from the earth. You need a pushy bossy friend that can be like, nope. Everybody needs a Vince Vaughn. Everyone does need a Vince Vaughn. And it just seems like that that person no longer exists. And I don't know why. Do you think it's because the internet? I think it's because of like PC movements and everybody trying to be very delicate and careful about everyone's feelings and all that stuff. See, I'm that though. Am I part of the problem? I don't think I can experience a

sea change like that or all of a sudden I can walk into a bar and be like, I don't like this. You know, here's what it is. The Vince Vaughn friend is a friend that it's difficult to keep them around all the time because that's the friend that you end up saying like, well, if you knew him, he's a great guy. You just don't know him like I know him. You're right. Right. And I think everybody does have that friend, but it's harder to keep that friend as time goes on. I'm saying if you're young and you're still trying to figure out who you are in this world, I think maybe put your chips down on sass, double down on sass, but not everyone can do it. I've known some people who are just assholes, but then there's the really likable asshole. And that if you can't pull off

likable asshole, you really got to the game. You got to thread that needle. But listen, like, if you don't want these people on your trivia team, they have failed. Like, that's the most sort of regimented social interaction you could possibly have. There's a designated start time, a designated stop time. If you don't want these guys in your trivia team, you don't want them in your life. Fuck them. You don't even know them. They're strangers. It's not like there's a history. You're not going to ruin your friendship with these weird guys. What if they're strong? What if they're grown-ups? Oh, they're big kids. You're saying like physically imposing? I mean, if they're big and strong. What if they're big kids? You can't tell a big strong grown-up where to get off.

Yeah, right. Didn't think about that. An older boy said you are on my trivia team now, so I guess you are. Yeah, I talked to my dad. He said I'm on it, so handle that. It's not a big deal. Hey, guys, is it acceptable when you have a back itch to scratch it on various public surfaces, like the corner of a wall or a shelf of some kind, itchy in Indiana? Well, belue the bear. It sounds like you're in a tailspin. Let's just boil this down to the bare necessities. Oh, God. Use your hand. Get your hand back there or a friend's hand. It doesn't work. I reach for Richard Headey's bear scratch when I'm in this situation. You may remember him. He was balloon boy's dad, a real nut job, but he has a device that he will sell you on the internet, 30 for 2.

You can find this at bear scratch.com. The tagline is if you itch like a son of a twitch, oh, God, God, you need the patent-pending bear scratch. It is basically a piece of wood that you tie to your wall. It's basically what's up. If your son is a guy that you shoot into the sky, balloon boy jokes. It is not acceptable, but it does feel so damn good. I do it all the time. Sure. You're more animal than man. But what do you say when you're caught in the act? What are you doing to that shelf, Travis? I say, don't judge my love. You don't know me. You don't know this wood. He started it. He just blamed the wood. He itched. He was scratching on me on the wall

on Richard Headey's bear scratch. Can you not just wear like a wool sweater and then just shimmy around and it scratches all of you at once? What can you not reach? How big a boy are you? That's what I'm saying. Oh, what if you just started screaming, there's ants in my clothes? Okay. Who's going to judge you then? Well, there's an emergency yet. Every person. Why is it why are your clothes so sticky sweet? Why is it preferable, Travis? Like, why is it preferable to think for people to think of you as the guy with bugs in his clothes? Yeah, you can stealthily scratch yourself on a shelf. But if you yell, oh, I am. Okay, let me throw this out. The awkward part of scratching your back on an object is like you

get into it and you close your eyes and then you open your eyes and realize people are staring at you, right? What if you just kept your eyes open the whole time and stared right back at them while you did it? It turns it gets into a weird erotic territory that I'm thinking about you. Watch me do this. The weirdest scene in basic instinct. Can we invent like a fun dance that you do when you need to itch yourself and then people be like, oh, he's doing the itchy jiggle. Well, the bear scratch dance is actually available on iTunes if you want to grab that. Do the bear scratch. Do the bear scratch dance. I have a one wall of my apartment is sort of just covered in stone outcroppings. And let me tell you, it's like it's like God's fingernails.

You just get right up against that. And no, you I have never I haven't itched since I lived here. Wow. That's a good record. It's pretty great. It's a good streak. You got to keep that going. It's like a lulufa made of stone. I wouldn't leave my house because I'd be too worried that like what if you get out and public your back starts itching and streaks. Yeah, I gotta I gotta go home you guys. Guinness. It's me. It's Griffin. It's over. Shut it down. Try my best. Didn't work out. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah, that'd be great. This one was sent in by Jacob Walker. Thank you by Jake. Thank you by thank you by Jacob. You're welcome. It's a by yahoo answers user Jess who asks what is the stripper etiquette for Canada. Okay, this is a random thought.

I have no intention of going to a strip club even though I am legal fyi. It's just this is bugging me. First off, you're totally thinking about going to a strip club. But yeah, you know how in movies they toss strippers dollar bills. Well in Canada, we have loonies and toonies. So do you like toss coins at the person? Oh God. Or are Canadian strippers more costly than Americans just because of our bill system in Canada is the minimum bill tossing rule is $5 since that's our smallest bill. I'm honestly not trying to be rude. So if it offends anyone, I really mean no harm. What I want you to know Griffin that after what is this episode 79 79 episodes, you finally asked a yahoo answers question that made me go wait, that's a good question. Yeah,

is it? What do you just throw the coins at him? That seems rude. Hey, whatever happened. Excuse me, whatever happened to golexia who used to dance here. Yeah, that was real sad. Hey, she got a loony in her poony. It was a real sad situation that one. So a loony I just googled is a Canadian $1 coin. Yeah. Here, first of all, I would like to point out that I believe that this person has never been to a strip club because no strip club I've ever been to incorporate to just throwing money at the stripper take these like wadding up the bill and trying to hit her in the face with it. That's not how that works. I actually I have to disagree with your trials. I actually saw a stripper who was I believe a

little person. If not, she was she was quite short put a cup in front of her zone down there. Her sense. Yeah, she had a cup in front of her boson and people took turns throwing $1 bills in there. And if they that's the worst show game I've ever sunk a shot, then they got well, it's unspeakable. What happened to them? Oh, Jesus, it sounds like he was not there Travis. Not there at night. So the Canadian version, it sounds like whenever you go to like a Taco Bell and they have that little thing where you drop the quarter in and you try to land it on the plates and you get like a crunch a crunch trap. But instead of that, you try to you try to throw

a loony on an old lady's bosom. I understand now why every time I've gone to a Canadian strip club, they had those little bus driver change things on their on their belts. And you give them a $5 bill and you're like, I need three back. And they're like, okay, good job. Good job. And they hand you three coins. I get it now. That's that's a very erotic exchange. So erotic. Yeah. And it's nice because you can get Snickers to strike the machines right there. So yeah, they hate that, though. Canada, your money, your money is really weird, Canada. You have things called loonies and toonies. But, but this is thing every, but I'm so on this tip, though, because every other country, besides us, they are off like the $1 bill, they realize it's not worth anything. And you can

buy nothing with it. So there's has as a, as there's a coin in England, they have coins that are like worth four of our dollars. It's ridiculous. I love that every time we do it, every time America tries to do a dollar quarter or a dollar coin, it's such bullshit. And everyone's like, what is this? Never mind. And like the only time you ever need them is if you pay like a parking garage, or when you go to the bank and they give you like a stock at your way of coin, you're like, ah, damn it. And then it sits in a drawer forever and ever and ever. Yeah, because you can never fine. It's like, it's, it's enough of a big deal to find a machine that uses it. They like advertise it like you can use a dollar coin here, except at fiend parks amusement parks.

They are crazy about the Sacajawea dollar coin. For some reason, the only time the only way to get like a locker is to turn your money into Sacajawea coins and then put them in the locker. It's like, why don't you just take dollars? I, this is all very funny. I think it's dangerous to throw coins at a lady. Yeah. Can we agree with that? Because these, I mean, like what other circumstance would that be okay? I'm looking at these loonies and these tunies and they look like some heavy alloys. So you got to throw a fiver. And if that's the case, Canadian strippers must be like balling like Scarface totally, totally rich. Well, the trick is you have to form it into a paper airplane and they have to catch it out of the air or else they don't get to keep it. And

they can't use their hands, which I think is awful what you just said. Is it possible that you only throw it a fifth as as frequently as Americans do? Are we talking about are we talking about lump sums? Okay, so you're saying like it's five dollars, but the standards of performance are much higher? The standards of performance. And instead of throwing like a buckaroo every, you know, every, every five minutes or so to get a, to get a, you know, a look, a look seat, you throw a fiver every half an hour and then you just get the whole kitten caboodle. Lump, lump sums for some lumps. It seems to me. Maybe, maybe our Canadian erotic exotic dancers are working at five times as hard. That's what I'm saying. Maybe they are getting, yeah, maybe that's like, hey, Darla,

you look like an American up there. Five times more than that. Shake it down. Get that stuff everywhere. What I would like to imagine is they've just done away with like the slow, sexy, like, takes five minutes and they've just like pumped it up and it's like house techno beats. Oh, they put on some dubstep and they are fucking sweating their asses off the whole time and it's a challenge. It's like, do you want this five dollars? You're going to have to work it. Are you crumping right now? Is that Zumba? Let's, let's move on to another, to another question. Although I would actually, we've never asked this. If you do have some actual insight to that question, right? You kind of want to know now. Yeah, I kind of would like, I am kind of curious

about it. I'm going to say, I'm going to say, no, I think instead of being inquisitive, we need to be instructive and I'm going to go ahead and say blanket statement. Don't throw a coin at a lady. Right. Don't throw a coin. If you slide it across the floor to her. Yeah, you can, you can slide her a little, a tiny bag. Oh, you flip it like you're an old style gangster. He has a dollar, chick. Let me get a pipe. Like, oh, I can't. I don't have a pipe. I've got a pasty. Hey, when does a 17 year old male get his female friend of the same age for a birthday gift? I haven't been to a girl's birthday party outside of family and I'm confused as to what I should get her for a gift if I should even get her one at all. That's from Vex in Vancouver. Yikes. That's a tough one, right?

Yeah. I mean, like I say, he's going into hostile territory. You get a gift card to Brookstone worth like 15 loonies. I think the safest way to go and what I would recommend is get her like a movie or book or something that you like and you can say, you know, I like this book and I thought you would too. Well, I'm just saying like, if you don't know what to get her, don't try to get something huge and elaborate. Just say like, you know, this was a really good movie and I thought you'd like it. No? I got you Sky Captain in the World of Tomorrow on DVD. I really like it. By the way, can I borrow that when you're done with it? Happy birthday. You don't have to tell her you got it

because you liked it. I'm saying like, I thought you would like this movie. She's not going to throw it back in your face and be like, bullshit, I don't like this movie. You're wrong. I think that, but see, here's the thing though. When you're at a girl's birthday party, where if you're the only person who got her something like that, you don't know, I have no idea what girls get each other for birthdays. I could not, especially when I was 17. What is it? What is the cutoff? What? Like, at what age do presidents stop being mandatory every year? No, you do need to bring a president because that's a fate worse than death. If you bring, you're the only one without one. I just feel like something that everybody, is there a gift

that you could name where you always need another one. And if we could just pick that one gift, that you could always get anybody and it's always appreciated. What do you always appreciate when you get? For me, it's those tins of butter cookies, you know, the blue ones. I love those, man. You give me as many of those as you got. A fancy food item or something potable? Either way, you can't lose because everybody eats and everybody likes to get dropped. Yeah, especially if it's something like kind of special, not just like I got you a bag of M&Ms, but like I got you this box of chocolate covered potato chips. Okay, that's fun. It's interesting. It's different. It's a girl, though. What if she's like trying to get fit or something? Yeah, what if she's like, are you

getting them fat? Then you get her fitness bars, Justin. There's fit food. He doesn't know, though. This is what I'm saying. How could he guess what's going on? Oh, no, because if you get fitness bars, you're saying she's fat. I had to get it straight up saying she's fat. I have to talk to my wife each morning for a good 20 minutes before I have any idea who she is. Like, I don't know what's on her mind that day. I don't know what she's thinking about. I don't know. It takes me a while to get acclimated. Do you think he's just going to walk into a birthday party with something? Here's an item and it is appropriate. Like, I don't think he can, I don't see what he's going to choose. Oh, I've got it. A dream catcher. Oh, that's good. That's good. I think the problem here

is that you are assuming, and I can say that you're assuming this because of your email, that you think there's one present that's good for girls because the information that you have provided us about this girl is that she is a girl and that's all we know. I need a gift suggestion. Here's what I know. She's a lady. Period. Well, let's see. Yeah, I mean soap. But that's as much as I knew about girls when I was 17. I didn't even know how they got their hair to smell so good. Like, what am I going to get them that they don't already have? And then you learned that they just put honey in it every day. Is it possible that we can get a gift certificate? Is that a good, is that a good person? I don't like gift certificates. Never? Never a good present?

I feel, well, they can be if the person says I would love a gift certificate to blank, but then, but just doing it voluntarily always strikes me like I couldn't think of anything to get you, so I just got you fake money. Rarely do people give you that opportunity though. Like, nobody's ever like, man, I haven't been to Applebee's in a while. I would love to crush some tiny desserts. I feel like the presents I always like the best are the ones that I secretly would kind of like, but would never buy for myself. Like, my dear friend Jason for my last birthday got me an RC car. Yeah, I'll take it. Thank you. I do want this. How did you know that I wanted this but would not buy this, but I do want this. So you're saying easy solution is you get her the gift that even

she doesn't know that she wants, but she wants it. Good suggestion, Justin. He's going to have a real easy time. You're saying that even with even with fucking psychic powers, he couldn't divine what this gift is that she wants, that she doesn't know she wants. Yeah, that's great. Just get her that thing. Maybe like a gap gift certificate would be good. Maybe like a snuggie. Everybody wants one of those, right? Does she have a snuggie? Get her a slap chop and just fucking hope for the best. Get her a slap chop. Get her a fucking slap chop and then don't go to her party because if she hates it, you'll never know. Can I tell you something right now? Next, next to Vancouver, this is the end of your relationship with this girl. Oh yeah, it's over. I'm sorry. It doesn't

matter what you do. There is literally no, there is no right thing for you to do here. We've, so just embrace it. Just lean into it. Just put something in the card, like just give her a note that says, I hate you, happy birthday. I got you some toonies. I got you some, I got you some Canadian stripper battle armor. So when people launch toonies at you, I got you a shield. I got you a stripper shield. It's got ballistics, but sexy ballistics. Yeah. It's Kevlar, but with booby holes cut out of it. Very hot. Very hot now. Yeah, it's, listen, you guys have had some laughs together. It's over now. Sorry. And you'll always look back and remember how great that friendship was.

Used to be. You can't go to the party. That's the only, that's your only option. You can't go. Insomation, body armor, a paid vacation to Applebee's or her secret heart's desire. Is that even not, even she does not know. Even she does not know is her heart's desire. Yeah. So just get one of those. I would recommend the last one. I think that would be a big hit, but. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah. This one was sent in by Krista Whalen. Thank you, Krista. It's by yahoo and it's just user cuckoo who asks. It's kind of gross. I'm sorry. OMG, my tropical fish are eating it. What? I'm so sorry. Someone just into my aquarium and now my fish are feeding on it.

Don't let me finish. Will they get pregnant and what type of fish can I expect? Well, they hatch out like tiny mermaid things. What kind of mystery is this? Yeah, let's slew this one out. You know what, not to get a girl for a birthday party jizzing in her aquarium. Hey, look what I did. Happy birthday. Happy bday Cynthia. That beta has human feet. Who jizzed in this? My beta has a human face like seaman. I am upset. I want to make an open appeal to the gentleman who committed this heinous crime. Why was that your best option? And what was the timeline like where someone jizzed in this aquarium,

skedaddled and she entered the room fast enough to see the fish eating the juice? You know, fish will eat anything you put into an aquarium instantly. So it had to be like, whoop, done out. Hey, jit, they're eating it. You know, I blasted a mysterious stranger coming out of my room. People say that the American Pie movies aren't having a detriment on our society, but look, teenagers out there are reenacting these scenes. And I, did you guys see that one? I think it was Banking 3. Oh, the one where Stifler ejects the legs? No, well, it's actually, it's, I popular, it's actually Stifler's cousin.

Stifler's cousin gives his seed, the gift of his seed, to an aquarium. Yeah. And then fish eat it, and then it creates horrible sea monsters. I am so upset, like physically angry at all of this. Yeah, there's nothing to care about this. Because you're thinking about fish, thinking about fish with human arms. No, you know what Griffin? And you think about how you'll never be able to hang out with it. I'm eight steps back thinking about like, the, the prior situation before this girl walked into the room, was this gentleman like standing there and he pulled out a chair and stood on top of it? No, no, no, I'm sure this has to be the ground. The problem is that maybe you're just assuming that this person started out with the intention of,

oh, I'm going to jerk it in this, in this here fish tank. I think that it was an emergency. I think he was short on time. Right. I think he said, gotta, I need to, I need to do this somewhere. Gotta be somewhere. So you're saying he just didn't have an exit strategy when it started? Right. His plan was jerk it. And then that was it. That's the end of the plan. It's honestly her fault for hanging that poster of Carla Gugino behind her aquarium. What were you thinking with that Gugino poster? You can't just put a Gugino up in your room. Put a Carla Gugino poster anywhere. And you, and you put it so close to the aquarium, you were almost begging for human fish monsters. Ew, you nasty. That's what you like. Dirty girl.

You like it when people jerk it to Carla Gugino into your aquarium. You nasty. I would also like to say to this girl, uh, whose room this is and who's concerned this is about horrible fish monsters, maybe you need to be more selective of the people and you invite into your house if you had a party and you don't know which one of them came in your aquarium. You know, you have to know. Line up the usual suspects who, who Gugino'd write into my aquarium. Didn't think they're on them through, did you? Typical. You should, everyone in your life, you should only have one person that you, that could possibly have jerked it into your aquarium. If you have less than that, boring. If

you have more than that, you're on bad girls club, but you need to limit that to one, one person. Got to have one sassy friend. Got to have one person who may or may not jerk it into your aquarium. Just be glad it wasn't a terrarium because yuck-o. Yeah, double yuck. That was actually. That was one pissed off turtle. That was actually the plot of Biodome 2. Yeah. It's stuck in development hell, but perhaps apparently so. Jesus. Jesus. No, he's not involved in this one. I am thinking about Polyshore in ways. I'm thinking about whichever Baldwin that was just, just doing it on a turtle. Just breaking love. Now, why did, okay, what, is it possible that they would eat it and make Seamus? Is that, does she need to be concerned

for her safety? Justin, not only is it possible, it's impossible. It's not nothing that can happen scientifically. So you're saying not probable, but it is likely that it could happen. It's not. It's not just going to happen. It's happened already. That's where, that's where Snooki came from. Snooki is just half beta. Half beta, half fighting fish. That's betas, right? Betas are the Asian fighting fish, is that correct? Yeah, I'll put two of those in a tank. They will, they will wrestle over that semen. They can be only one. I think the worst part of this situation. It really is like an episode of Bad Girls Club at that point. As this manfish develops, it'll probably get really annoying to constantly have to listen

to Leonard Nimoy describe his life. Seaman deep cut for everyone to enjoy. We're going to make jokes right now that maybe 10 of you are going to get. Let's just buckle up for a minute. Just a real quick seaman story. We went on vacation ones and left the adapter for our Dreamcast at home and flipped out because our seaman was going to die. Well, okay, not all of us flipped out because I wasn't, I enjoyed, I played seaman maybe twice and the first time it was, oh, I have given birth to menfish. And then the second time was, let's see how high I can turn up the heat in this tank. Cook em. That's the only thing you can do to your betas, by the way, to your half beta, half mans. You got to cook em. God did not intend for this to happen.

You've got, you've got to boil the water. I'm sorry. It's sad. You got to think about it because God made beta fish and he also made seaman. So he had to assume that eventually the two would meet. Yeah, but I'm going to say that that's not a part of God's wonderful plan. He also made people, people of different races and religions and he never intended for them to mate. So what are you, you know, what are you, what are you trying to, what are you getting at? My, my manfish is a pescetarian. Gross. And now a message from our favorite half men, half fish, Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Every week on

our show, Jordan Jesse Go, I would say that we share a little slice of our hearts. Yeah. And a little peek at our dicks. But every week we have a podcast where we have fun and funny conversations with guests from the worlds of comedy, film, television. It's all online at maximumfun.org or just search for Jordan Jesse Go in iTunes. Tune in. You, you will, I guarantee you'll enjoy it. Guaranteed. Travis, you tell me they talked about werewolf periods this week. They did. They talked about werewolf periods and how horrible that must be for the werewolf boyfriends. I, I know what you guys are thinking. Boy, they've got special guests out the wazoo. Why don't you guys ever have any special guests? And I say, listen, dad,

we'll get around to it. We're trying our best. We had John Hodgman. We had you. It's not enough. But actually, we do have a special guest question right now from our friends, Chuck and Josh. Hey, guys. Hi. Hi, it's Josh and Chuck. That's Chuck's voice. And we have a question for you. Well, we're from the Stuff You Should Know podcast. Yes. And we have, we have a question. Yeah, we have a question, very important question. We're both very interested in learning this. How would one, if one needed to or wanted to say, get rid of a muffin top, I believe is the colloquialism for it. Men or women? Both. It doesn't matter. But yeah, well, let's say, let's say a man wanted to know. Okay. That's, that's a question. So that's our question, guys.

Let's hear it. A fine, a fine question, guys. I'm at, as somebody who I have met, Chuck, I'm not personally met. Josh, I don't, I do not believe either of these gentlemen suffer from muffin top. I don't, I don't believe either of them are rocking that look. You know, I think they're just mining us for information that they can steal, wholesale, and then use on their podcast, which is full of enriching information. Right. This is how they get it. They, they send guest questions into other podcasts and then wheeze off that juice. Yeah. Here's my first, my first sort of sub, answer is do you need to get rid of it? Some people can lean into that look. Some people

don't need to get rid of the muffin top. Society may want you to. Some people don't need to. Some people have a great look at that Pattinson kid. Steve Pattinson, Steve Pattinson. What's his name? Steve Pattinson from Twilight. From Teen Vampire. What's it? What's it? He's got Roger, Roger Pattinson, Roger Pattinson. He's got some stuff hanging over the sides, like a Santa costume hanging on a costume rack. He is, he is convex. There's no. He shaped like a Hershey kiss. Steve Pattinson was my favorite dream mom. People talk a lot about Roger Muring's and, and, uh, Glenn Tyler. I really like Steve Pattinson. But I'm just saying it's a good look because it looks like a, it looks like a,

it looks like you got your shirt tucked in to your pants and you got a little bit, a little bit coming out, but that's just your flesh. Yeah. I think it's very natural. I think most people have them. Sure. I've got them. Just more to love. Now Travis, you're sort of our fitness go-to fitness guy because you get, you get, you get active. I think on a daily basis. I do. What are your tips? What are your tips for getting rid of the, the old MT as we go? As you know, uh, I researched Muffin tops just about every day. Yeah, right. Um, and what I've learned is, uh, that there are just as many helpful suggestions as there are bad suggestions. Sure. And something I learned that was very interesting is that, um, you know, people think

of like doing sit-ups and crunches and everything. Not going to help, is it? It just makes it more robust. No, it tones the muscle underneath, but it won't get rid of the fat. But my favorite suggestion that I read was, uh, buy loose or clothes. Okay. That does, that does, but it looks like you're wearing like MC Hammer shirt. Well, apparently there's a concern that if you wear pants that are too tight, it forms you into your muffin top. Sure. No, it squeezes your leg meat up to your tummy area. It does. It pops out like a toothpaste tube. Yeah. Your meat, your meat is very malleable. You can, you can go all over. You can make yourself conical if you want. You know, in the, uh, in the 1800s, corsets were so tight that sometimes girls' legs bones would

pop out of their tum-tums and it would make a bone muffin top. Yeah. They call this, they call this stale muffin top. It's pretty, pretty brutal up there. I have muffin tops, but they are around my collarbone areas. Yeah. Just because that's where I want them. That's where I've smooshed, I've smooshed them up to my collarbone reach. But you're always wearing that adorable little Lord Fauntleroy collar cinch done. I do. I look like a, uh, some sort of judge, some sort of, some sort of old, old British judge. Yeah. Some sort of old British judge. It looks, he looks like Rumpole of the Bailey up there. It's a good look. I think everyone knew what I was talking about when I said an old British judge. Well, if that doesn't conjure

just a clear mental image, I don't know what it does. Sure. You know, I actually look like Ashley Judge. I look like Judge Reinhold. You look like Judge Dredd, but like if he was fat. I look like a fat Judge Dredd. Dude, that is a good look. You have a muffin top? You look like that Judge Dredd. I would rather have, uh, muffin tops than these damn muffin bottoms. Yeah. Coming out of the box, kind of oozing around here. Are you wearing Reebok pumps? I am not. You have these sort of alien cylinders coming out of your hips, and I don't know what's going on. Are those wrapped in paper? What's going on? Are those gel outsoles for your shoe? Is that comfortable? Is that a, it's for your arch. Your muffin bottom fills in the arch of your

shoes and gives you a real nice, it's like gliding if you've never experienced that. Hey, uh, hey, why don't you put down the corn dog, pick up a carrot? Where'd those muffin tops go? They're gone, and you can see really well because of all the keratin. You can see everyone else's muffin tops and judge them. Just, what if you were just constantly 100% of the time doing like side bends and twists like all the time? No, no, no, no. You don't want that. You don't want an hourglass shape. That's what Jack LeLane looked, didn't look good. Well done. Didn't work out for him. He only lived to be 143. Yeah. And he could bench press a bolt to him. He could beat up a fucking bull with his fists. Jack LeLane. I miss you, Jackie. I'm glad he's gone.

Wait, hold on. Why are you glad Jack LeLane's dead? Because he scared me. Yeah. Because it was a long life. Yeah, he intimidated me. I did feel like he was, he was kind of, he was, I think, I think after 70, if you're active, you're active in a real judgy way. Like, I think you're, you're judgy fit if you're past 70 and still fit. To know that I, as a 27 year old male, would not be able to outrun a 126 year old dude, it made me feel bad every day. I woke up every day going, well, I'm not going to be as good as Jack LeLane today. When you see someone who is 151 goddamn years old, you're not supposed, you're not supposed to see a muscly old. If that's like seeing like a really, like a seeing like a really tall cat. Like it's just not a, it's not a trait that that

thing can have. Right. And there's that motherfucker who's always in the, the airplane magazines that, you know, one guy who's got an old man's head for the young man's body. Yeah. He said he did it with science. That's that, that guy, talk about nightmares. He, he is obviously the, the product of human beta crossbreeding. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I don't know how Jack LeLane died, but I assume it was like a Rasputin kind of thing, right? Yeah. He, they was stabbed 14 times, then wrapped in a carpet and thrown off a bridge. That's the only way to bring him down. I actually had to wake up in the middle of the night, go put a steak in his heart. It's really unfortunate. His only weakness is being stabbed 14 times.

Someone had to blow off a dusty old tome to try that incident. Jack, you were trying to bring down a Jack LeLane. I believe I have one book here. Procure a true silver knife. Then stab stab him. Not 13, not 15. The 15th shall reawaken him with more vitriol than ever. Thou shalt not stab him or bake his dozen. Upon the 16th Sabbath, he will rise again, try to sell you a juice machine branded with his name. That's the secret, by the way, everybody. Juice, juice, juice.

Can you just cut them off, cut those tops off and then stitch it, stitch it back together? You don't got any organs in there, right? Unless your kidneys get real lazy. I'm not trying very hard. I'm sleeping in a skin hammock. That's what my kidneys say. My kidneys are fucking old. So tired. You know, a new person can't be born, build an old person dies and they take their kidneys. We're using the same kidneys from Adam and Eve. What about duct tape? Can you duct tape it back? Give yourself a duct tape corset?

I like that duct tape corset. That was the band that the All American Rejects lead singer was in before they got reformed without him. I don't like that because then I'm imagining you taping up your your your rolls on the side and it looks like it's gonna look like your torso is smiling and it's gonna be weird for everyone. It's gonna push up. You can't squish a muffin top away because then you're just gonna end up with like a muffin chest piece. Like that's what Christina Hendricks has been rocking that look and I guess it's working out well for her. Poor girl, poor girl. Yeah, that's actually two muffin tops. Poorly deformed body. Yeah, she is really, really misshapen. It's a real tragedy. So sad.

Our national obsession with her has to end. What are we teaching our children? Tape up the muffin dubs? I saw a nine-year-old girl yesterday with a duct tape wrapper. I can't. I actually thought I could but it turned out that I can't. So, Chuck and Josh, we hope that that answers your question-ish. Tape them up and get those Hendricks boobs. Christina Hendricks look. And it's sorry to the family of Jack LaLaine. Sorry, Jack. I didn't mean it. And if you want to listen to those guys, search iTunes for stuff you should know. It is an informative podcast about a different topic every week and I'll make you an expert on things and make you interesting to talk to you unlike now

where you just recite the bullshit that we say and that's all lies. We make all that up. Do you guys know what day it is? Oh, shit. It's our birthday. We don't have to do it. Stop it. Happy birthday. I do have a, it's a day of the month though. It's a month, it's a special month. It is, I didn't pick it but I'm gonna say there's banana pudding lovers month and I don't think that's gonna get anything better than that. Should you explain what you're doing? Oh, every month we take a subject, a national month, observance. There's got to be a better way to say it, right? Yeah. Well, there's a better way to say it is to stop doing it because it's a month and every month Griffin makes me and Justin sad. Sure. Now, we have another bit where

Travis basically just screams nonsense for 10 minutes and I like it better than this bit but you like, you like his fucking Adam Sandler fucking Rick? Whoa, whoa, whoa. How dare you, sir? How dare you? How dare you? Jack and Jill in theaters. Don't you fucking bring Jack and Jill into this. Let me get out there and see it. Oh, god. Oh my god. On Survivor this week, I don't want to change the subject but Survivor is actually a couple weeks ago. Their reward was an exclusive screen of Jack and Jill. Those motherfuckers went on an island of love for 18 days, nothing, no entertainment whatsoever. They get to go to a theater and see Jack and Jill. There was actually a Jack and Jill themed challenge and then the winner and I use that like in the

loosest sense of the word but like backward sense of the word got to go to a sort of straw theater and watch Jack and Jill. It's a challenge to bomb it on a plate and see how many people you get to eat it. Yeah. What a great metaphor. Adam Sandler's been playing that game for years now and actually the year before was Sculliver's Travels. Oh, Survivor? Yeah, Survivor. That's just part of this. I don't know if I would prefer to be the guy who fell asleep and fell into a fire that one time. He's got a better, he was watching Survivor this year. It's like, well, it's way tougher than it used to be. We got to sit through Jack and Jill. I like to think that the people on that island think, man, we've only been here for 18 days and already the civilized world has

devolved into some sort of apocalyptic movie scape where Adam Sandler plays every part in every movie. All the actresses are dead. All the actresses are dead. All the actors are dead. Save one. Save the sand, man. Save the sander. I wish you to dream land, take you away to an entertainment nightmare scape. It's National Impotency Month. Okay. Oh, what a letdown. It is, oh man, it's not, not that much funny shit in this list. You guys just want to do Banana Putting Lovers Month and then pull it off like a Band-Aid. Yeah, Banana Putting Lovers Month would be great. Yeah. I like it. I like to throw some yellow wafers in there. Of course. But of course. How about, um, hey, get your dick out of there. Yeah. Banana Putting Lovers Month.

That's not where dicks go. No, come on, guys. But I get it. My brother, my brother. Can we just work clean just once, please? Yum, yum. It's delicious. My brother, my brother, and me. Affordable and easy to make for the mom on the go. Banana, but it says I love you like a big bowl of banana pudding. But it's my brother, my brother, and me. Make this for your pet orangutan. He'll love it. He'll go eight. He'll go eight for banana pudding. Your pet orangutan will go eight for banana pudding. My brother, my brother, and me. Only terrorists eat chocolate. You don't like bananas? You must be putting me on. My brother, my brother, and me. Hello. Hello, Jello. Banana pudding. My brother, my brother, and me. It's good. Time to do a jihad on rice pudding because

you hate it so much, right? That's good. Like orangutans. I guess. Bananas? Like, I'm really, I'm scraping grass. I can see the peel of banana pudding. My brother, my brother, and me. That was a slip. Hey, don't, don't split. Stick around and have some. Welcome to my brother, my brother, and my show for your, your G-pa, your grandpa's grandpa. He's going to love these gags. We're talking about Jack Lane. We're doing some great pudding puns. Next, next week, join us as Sid Caesar takes us on a journey to Laftown with his hilarious character, Jui. Jui? Jui McMidget. He's an Irish-Jewish little person stereotype that, uh, I think you're really going to get a kick out of that character. He's been working on it, working at the, he had the

Catskills, Honi's character. Make sure you and your G-pa turn in to that. With special guys, Zero Mostel. That's been a number from Fiddler on the Roof. It's going to be a great hour of entertainment. Of course, we will have, uh, mandatory prayer in the middle of it. So it's going to be a really great night. Come on out. What's the, what's the best brand of battery for my hearing device? What's up with the young people today? Uh, if you're in your G-pa show up 30 minutes early, you can hit the buffet at 7.95. Got some real nice Porsche on there. It's, uh, got some real nice potatoes. It's a great, it's a great time for everybody. So come on out. Make my brother, my brother and me the last thing you listen to before you die of old age. We'll, we'll

goof you to sleep. Goof you to sleep, G-pa. Here. Goof you to, goof you up to heaven. We're like a choir of angels. Goof thee to thy rest. We are the Cracker Barrel podcast. Come on down. Yep. You gotta love it. We're the sweatpants of podcast. Just slip us on and slip off, slip off that dreamland. Slip off the dreamland. Pop in those buds and think about your life. Don't, hey, G-pa, I don't want you to go out like Jack-o-lanes with a bunch of gungtos stabbing you with a silver knife. I want you to die with dignity and jokes about being up-putting. Tune in. Did we cover all of our bases? I feel like there's not a goddamn thing that I could have said. I mean, we did, we did make a bunch of jokes. Yeah. Orange, you glad I didn't say banana-putting?

What are we fucking doing anymore? This isn't what, let's end the show. Yeah, this is what, this is what we do now. We tell, it's a joke for us to tell jokes. If we tell it, that's so, it's so ironic that we would actually tell a joke rather than talking about killing Jack-o-lanes with a silver knife, that we're laughing at the fact that we're actually trying to tell a few good jokes. Justing. Adjusting. Some solid gag. Hey, that split thing I did, you remember? That was good stuff. A true silver knife. If you stab Jack-o-lanes with a silver knife, he will only get stronger. And angrier and juicier. Thank you to Chuck and Josh for sending in a question. Thank you to you guys for listening. I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first some super

quick housekeeping stuff. You know he's gonna, okay, I will prove the existence of ghosts this week. If Jack-o-lanes does not haunt any of us, ghosts don't exist. We got a new shirt, it is out, it is a Peepham's nasty gum shirt, it is at maxfunstore.com. You can go there, it is our, it is our second t-shirt. It is a lovely brown color. It advertises the, the, that you have terrible taste in gum, designed by Charlene Tedyevsky, I think is what I'm gonna go with. That's on a nice American Apparel t-shirt in camel and brown for the ladies. It's dope. It is dope and you can get over to maxfunstore and pick that up for yourself. I don't get a few for the holidays and you can save five dollars when you buy three, when you buy three shirts. So yeah,

get that. What else is going on guys? Can we, can we talk, can we talk about another important monthly observance that's going on? Yeah. It's a, it's, it's Movember, which Justin and I are participating in. Travis, the only person who can grow facial hair with any level of confidence for some reason is not. I'm growing it right now. But yeah, Justin and I are both raising money in Movember for, to raise awareness for prostate cancer. And yeah, if you, if you search on the Movember site for either one of us, you can find us and give us a donation. And it's, it's for a really great cause. And I have never seen Justin with any facial hair. So I just can't wait to see what happens on his, the lower half of his face. But yeah, thanks to everybody who's already donated.

Joshua Koss, Don Schultz both gave pretty sizable donations to me. Very generous. Thank you gentlemen. Thank you very much. Our boy, our boy Daven. Daven Pavlis. Thank you. Thanks to everybody seriously. And if you, if you, yeah, if you give a donation, then I get your email address. I will send you a personal email and name one mustache here after you. That's the current deal. So, and I'll send you good vibes. Justin will just vibe out. I'll just send those vibes straight out to you. Make sure, by the way, we've mentioned Jordan, Jesse, go, they're coming up on their 200th episode. Is that this week? It's next week. Next week. So make sure you tune into that. If you would like us to talk about you and you're not our boss, so you have to, you have to make us like, like Jesse,

you can get on the Jumbotron. It's maximumfund.org slash jumbotron. And we will, we'll do a personal message for you. We also have forums at maximumfund.org. As long as you're over there, go talk about the new episode, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Oh, Griffin, the big, the big, the big news, the big, oh yeah. Let's drop this on me. Travis, you want to do it? No, seems appropriate if Griffin does it. Okay. Griffin, you do it. So we've, we've been planning some live shows for a while. And the next one that we are trying to do, we're going to go ahead and announce it on the show through our hat over the fence. It's still in the planning phase. But, but I think it's going to come together. Pretty good chance. The weekend of December the 11th, right? December the 10th

or 11th. Probably the 11th is when that will go down. It's Sunday. We are going to attempt to do a live show in my current home city of Austin, Texas. So we will hopefully have more details for you next week. Start planning on not doing any shit that weekend. So you can come out and see us. If you live in Austin or have lived in Austin, and you have a good idea for a venue, if you would email us at mbmbam at a venue or a place nearby to get crazy afterwards. Yeah. mbmbamatmaximumfund.org and drop us a line. We've got a few places in mind, but we haven't locked anything down. And if you think you have a winning solution, then please let us know. And yeah, we're going to combo spot would also be great if we can perform there and then hang there

afterwards would also be awesome. But so yeah, that's that's that's the second weekend of December. And I'm going to try and get it together. Try to get Justin and Travis down here in the ATX. Yeah. So we're with that is our first one coming up. That'll be our actually our third live show. We're trying to get to every city in this great land. But you know, it's a it's a big undertaking, but we will have more live shows some back at the East Coast all over this great land. So stick with us. But if you're in Austin, clear schedules, because I promise that we will try or Houston or San Antan, San Antan. Now San Antan, the S.A.X. Is that the sex? Yeah. So or or what's the big one Dallas? Yeah, Dallas, you're back cool, too.

Dax. So Dax Shepard stacks on my phone. What's hacks or acts, acts and acts body spray is our sponsor. I have no idea what you guys are. Don't worry about it. It's gibberish. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winners for the use of the team song into departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It's they're just such a great band. And we are honored that we get to use that song because it's good. It gets me so hyphy every week. Yeah, I'd like to thank everyone Twitter. I just kind of threw out if anyone wanted to like wish us happy birthday. And I was just swamped by people wishing us happy birthday. So I'm not going to read all of them. But thanks to FartStore, Magic Wisdy, Magic Whiskey, Krista Whalen, Anaphylaxis, Bersar,

all of you guys. You're great. And everybody else. You guys are awesome. Thanks very much. And guys, thanks. Happy birthday. Hey, thanks. And thanks to people tweeting about the show like Cast Iron Brick, Nick Kink, Demi Poser, Real Chase Fisher, JT Homeslice, Alex Batty, Spikes and Beer, Preveyor of the Trash Monkey, Jesse Worker, everybody, Carly Violet, you're all sweethearts. We love you very much. Let's shut this shit down. Blow it up, Griffin. This Yahoo Answer, this final one was sent in by Jason Hellman. Thank you, Jason. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Elacho, who asks, can you train a cat to know when it's your birthday? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. It's been my brother,

my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Come on. Play your part.