My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 81: Pizza Roll Suicide

Episode Date: November 21, 2011

Happy week of Thanksgiving, everyone! In this episode, we discuss the many, many things on this Earth we're grateful for, and offend the Pat Morita estate within the first 90 seconds or so. It's a holiday show the whole family can enjoy, assuming they are bad people. Suggested talking points: Sweet Potato Protocol, Five Years of Lovin', Sexy Kickball, Man vs. Sadness, Washing Off the Night, Risk/Reward, Before Twilight, Turbacon, On a Good Day

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? The New Recipe Crust from Domino's. My Tiger Print Silk Pants. Um, those pop tarts that don't have frosting on them. Asian people.

Old car smell. Old Asian people smell. We are thankful for so much here at my brother, my brother, and me. We just wanted to take a moment to express the things that we are thankful for. Now, was what I just said racist? No, no, it's a celebration. You love the smell of like Pat Merida and all other old Asian people? He's dead as fuck, isn't he, Pat?

I would not enjoy that smell, I think. I don't like it. This is Thanksgiving week. At my brother, my brother, and me. Just give a thanks saying, have you taken a moment to say like, this is what I'm thankful for? I'm thankful for that guy on my Facebook that only posts pictures that he found like that got forwarded to him by his grandpa and it's like, look at this girl.

Can you believe how chubby she is and she's in a wedding dress like that guy? I'm thankful for him because he makes me feel pretty good about my whole whole deal. I'm thankful for the people that every time you talk about how much you're looking forward to Thanksgiving, they remind you about, you know, genocide and stuff. Do you have people in your life like that? Yes, I do. Well, not anymore. Yeah.

Griffin, what is the turkey day procedure like in Texas? Everything's bigger there. Are there like giant- Do you, you know how turkeys are descended from raptors after dinosaurs? That's basically what we're working with down here is raptor-sized turkeys. You have to- Just a turkeys line the shelves the size of Sumo brand beanbag chairs. You got to come at them from the side, these turkeys, because they're so big.

They're goblers, they will just swing their goblers around like flesh maces. Yeah, they'll take it out. Is that what those things are called, goblers? I think they're called waddles. Waddles, waddle goblers. Waddle goblers. I made an ascot out of a waddle gobbler once. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, Tim Gunn panned it. He said, no. That guy is so authoritative. He looked at me, he looked in the eye and he was like, make it jerk. And I was like, you're hurting my feelings, but that wasn't like a good- Burn. You didn't do it. That's like a good burn.

Did not sense Tim. Tim? Timothy. Are you drunk, Tim? I'm super drunk. Justin, favorite Thanksgiving food, go. Sweet potato casserole. Me too.

Boom. Right there with you, Trevor. Hey, everybody. Is that all right if I, I mean- Give us, no, give us the dissentant. We have given the, the main- There's somebody- And concurring opinions.

Let's give- It's pumpkin roll. Pumpkin roll? Yeah, the dessert pumpkin roll. Let me show you a pumpkin roll. It's a pumpkin log though, isn't it? I always, I prefer- No, that sounds unappetizing.

Pumpkin roll. Anything with a log in it always sounds gross. Now this could be, I don't know if this is a, a Baptist thing, a Southern thing, what part of our, our raising this reflects. If you don't eat your, your sweet potatoes with pecans and brown sugar on top- What are you doing? I, what are you doing? When is our allergic to pecans?

I, yeah, eat it anyway. Suck it up. Oh. Suck it up. One day of eating. You have a, have yourself some, some pumpkin pie and epinephrine. Like just chill out. It's one day a year.

Treat yourself. If you were putting marshmallows on that, I- I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get what you're doing. Aren't you thankful? That, that seems to me like when people tell me that, that's like, it just seems like, and then I put some ice cream cake on top of it and then I covered it in chocolate chip.

You're an adult eating with pecans and brown sugar. Yeah. Something sweet, but it highlights the nutty. This is an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin. Hey guys, let's get right into the advice.

I'm dating a girl right now and things aren't going so well. Problem is that she thinks things are going fantastic. We started, this isn't funny, sorry. We started dating when we were 16 and now we're 21. I would love to start seeing other people and doing single guy things. I know breaking up with her is going to kill her, but at some point I have to put my happiness first, right? How can I let her down as easily as possible without ruining our lifelong friendship?

Oh no, no, no, no. So many bits conceptually. No, this isn't funny. Let's answer the last question first. How can you let her down as easily as possible without ruining your lifelong or your long friendship? You can't. You can't. Then goodbye friend.

Surprise. Goodbye friend. You know how people say like, I didn't want to date him because we were close friends. I didn't want to ruin it. That's what they mean. They mean this. To be fair, to be fair, they have been together for five years. So it's not like, well, this didn't work out.

They were together for five years. I mean, yeah. Five years ago. Five years of good, good, loving is roughly equivalent to one lifelong friendship, I feel like. I think you are being greedy for wanting more out of this relationship than is natural, than is reasonable. She ain't going to want to have shit to do with you. And honestly, I will tell you in all seriousness, we've had some fun here today, but in all seriousness, you are doing her a disservice by trying to stay in her life.

I feel like if she wants that at some point, that might be one thing. But you're going to have to just pull the bandage off and lean. I mean, just that's the situation. You guys have been together now from your teens and now you're entering adulthood. In one of the lessons you learn as an adult, sometimes for the greater good, you got to hurt somebody. And there is no way that you can end this and have it end easily and nicely. And you guys are like, okay, cool. Do you want to go get some frozen yogurt?

Like, you guys aren't going to be the same kind of friends after this. Just get okay with the fact that, I'm assuming she's also, yeah, she's 21. Get okay with the fact that she is 21 years old. And this probably isn't going to be the worst thing that ever happens to her. Even as far as romantic things go. There's a whole lot of other shit coming down the path. The most important thing is, don't let her listen to this because you're not going to have a way to do it.

But you just got to sit her down in person and it's going to be, I mean, it's going to suck. But you've given each other like five years of your life. That hurts. This is almost literally like surgery. No one's really excited to go under the knife and be put out and everything. But you're cutting this part of your life away. It sucks, but it's necessary. You have to do it.

Yeah. There's no anesthesia. Well, there is. You're 21 now. You're 21 now. There's adult anesthesia. It's just going to suck. You're just going to have to sit down and say, but be direct about it and be honest about it.

Just say that she's great and it's just she's not the right person for you. As great as she is, it's not. And I mean, that's going to suck for her to hear. It sucks to get dumped. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. But you're right in that you're not doing anybody a favor by staying in a relationship.

You're not happy yet. That's not good for her. It's not good for you. And her, she's quickly arcing past her sexual prime. Oh, you've got to let her. She has like another six months. Oh, six months tops. What is that?

What is a stop? What is the what is the prime? What's the prime? Is it when is it? It's well for girls, they peak at like 21 and then they're done by 22. And then they have like 20 low years. And then they come back up 40 and they're cougars. Yeah.

There's banging. I say, I think 21.5 is the prime. That's the target. It is a prime number. Jesus. What is it for men? For men 12, 12 and then 76, 12 to 14. Then we're out of it for a few years.

Like 12 to 14 is like your middle school teachers. Like those ladies are like, hey, I know what he's. I see what he's cooked up. The scrambled up spice channel. Grilled into their bodies. The aryl. Yeah. Then you drop out from like 14 to if memory serves about 25.

You're kind of out of the out of the game. And then once you get out of college, I hope you've I hope you've latched onto somebody by then. Yeah. By the time you get out of college, you have like three days. I have a chart somewhere. I'll tell you sometime. I'm driven.

It's a sliding scale. Here's the point. We're all past it. Yeah. Is the long story short. We're a world. It's basically like the lifespan of a fruit fly. That's how long we have to mate really.

There is no but here's the thing about this. You should dread it. You are not going to get out of it easily. You are not going to you're not going to get out of it without ruining your friendship that it is what it is. But don't but you have to accept that sooner rather than later. So you can get to the actual doing of it. Because after it's done, you are going to feel a lot better

and she will be better in the long run. Even though she can feel better for a much longer time. And there's also a good chance the problem of she thinks things are going fantastic is that that is a defense mechanism because she feels that you are drifting away. So that idea of trying to keep things going as well as maybe they went in the past. So she probably knows that something is going wrong. It's gone awry. Right.

Something is going to skew but you got to do it. Is there a polite, non-offensive way to ask if someone is gay? I have a friend and everyone who hangs out with him thinks he might be gay. But of course no one wants to ask him. It's not that we care one way or the other what a sexual orientation is. We just want to know. But it doesn't seem like something you can as point blank wondering in Wisconsin. I would argue you do care the one way or the other because you want to know.

Right? I don't care what the special is at Tudor's Biscuit World tomorrow. And as a result, I have not endeavored to unearth that information. Here's what you're going to need to do. It's stewed tomatoes. God. You're going to need to set up like a kickball game. And then when you're establishing teams, you say,

everyone who's straight is on that team. Everyone who's gay is on that team. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I think that's pretty good. Oh, God. Just a quick straw poll. Anybody here gay?

And if he raises his hand, you know that he is. Yeah. That's a good trick. That is great. What I find funny about this idea of like wanting to ask this in front, is that when you meet someone that you think is straight, you don't ask them if they're straight. Hey, what's up?

You straight? Huh? Huh? Like I don't know. Maybe the reason that he doesn't go around telling people whether he's gay or straight is he doesn't want to be identified by a sexual preference. That could be it. Yeah.

That's what he taught. What are you even talking about? That is how I define myself is straight. Hey, everybody. I'm Straight Travis. Hi, I am Griffin and I like ladies. To be fair, that was also the name of my spoken word album. Straight Travis.

Straight Travis, no chaser. That was a really, I thought you were doing some really bold work there there. Thank you so much. The one segment where you just whistled the theme song to MASH for like 15 minutes, I thought it was a really, really impressive statement. And you know, that was one take. You're no kidding. Yeah.

You didn't know chapping? Chapping wasn't an issue. I had an assistant with a spray bottle. Okay. Just keeping it moisturized. Yeah. Oh, God. That visual image is bad.

You know, you can't do 100% water blend. You have to do a 99% water, 1% Vaseline blend to keep it. That's actually what the Occupy Wall Street protests are about. They're about loopy lips. They're about the 99% water. Just letting everybody know. Make sure you have 1% Vaseline. What you're saying right now.

I'm going to flip. Gobbler. Don't do not ask if your friend is gay. Oh, of course not. Oh, no, don't do that. Oh, real quick, just to jump back. Yeah, don't do that. Either they're not gay and you're going to offend them.

Or they are gay and maybe they don't want to tell you that. Just mind your own, you got to mind your own business. And you can't make a video of it. Time, mind your business. Here's how it goes. It goes one of a few ways. One, no, I'm not gay. Why would you think that?

Whoa. That's a weird conversation you're going to get into. Other option. Yeah, I am gay. Why did you want to know? Are you gay too? Are we going to be? Do you want to go on like a date or something?

Yeah. Not saying they're like that is the immediate conclusion. No, that's it. That would be the only reasonable reason. That's the only reasonable reason somebody should be asked. Even the middle of the road. If he's a gay, why does that matter to you? Because it shouldn't.

Just, you know, I'm just wanting to crack the case. I just wanted to make sure you were different from me as all. Crack the case. When a gay person is sired, they will actually ask out the just the very next person that they see. Yeah, it's totally, it's totally weird, biological imperative. I don't, I don't understand it, but I like it. That's the only reason, that's the only reason Ellen DeGeneres was dating Portia Tarasi.

Yeah. Yeah. She's just an expert. She hovered into her field of vision. Hold on. Be luck of the draw. Watching arrested development and like a baby chick who hatches. Ellen was like, whoa, I'm gay at Portia.

I got it. I think that my, well, I think that it's the opposite of that situation. Oh, okay. Because that is the only thing that makes sense. Portia Tarasi. Yeah, you're with me now. Now, can we, hold on. Okay.

Now, no, hold on. Ellen DeGeneres is a very attractive woman. What are you talking about? She is aging very well. She is, she is well preserved. You could tell she's got her, her water Vaseline blend down. Oh yeah. Right.

You don't get to be, you don't get to be like a talk show superstar unless you have your Vaseline water blend down. Look at Dr. Phil. He is half Vaseline. Look at that. Look at him glisten and you could tell star power coming out his, his well hydrated bottom. I learned that in the classic biography, straight Oprah. Yeah.

Straight Oprah or Jaser. You know, I love that 15 minute whistling solo. She doesn't like album. This is a very cyclical episode. I heard it was a one take. Mm-hmm. That's true. But she had to have an assistant there with a spray bottle.

Yeah. Do you guys want to, do you guys want to stop this please? Desperately. This one was, this one was sent by Jacob Blocker. Thanks Jacob. Speya who answers user Edward. I like who asks, could I eat an entire bag of pizza rolls without dying? My friend says I'll die or something if I eat an entire bag of pizza rolls.

90 count. But I know that it's complete poppycock. I'm a 15 year old girl who's 125 pounds. Will I die? Doubt it. Get sick? Probably. I have a bigger problem than 15 year old girl using the word poppycock.

Yeah. What are you doing? So let me do a little quick math here. Okay. 90 pizza roll. It totally matters if it's Totino's. Everyone knows that those roll a little bit smaller. Are they super stuffed?

Yeah. Are they straight cheesy? Are they pepperoni? Because I don't know that your liver will be able to process all of the fat, the unsaturated fat. What if they're triple meat? What if it's double meat? Do I triple?

Triple meat. Triple meat. Triple would be more. Triple meat. So if you're looking- Your third one's more sausage. If you're looking at pepperoni, which I think is the only sort of- Yeah.

I mean, that's the only reasonable thing. In a 15 count bag, you're doing- 90. I know, I'm doing a little math here. Oh, okay. In a 15 count bag, you're looking at seven point five ounces. Okay.

Mm-hmm. Well, that's not that many ounces. No, that doesn't seem that bad. Then multiply that by eight. Six. Six. Yeah, seven point five times six. Times eight.

Four. Times six equals 45 ounces. That's about- Divide that by 16. It's about 12 pounds. So you're eating- We're talking- Okay, well, we're talking about three pounds of pizza rolls.

Basically. Man. That's going to be a rough night, huh? What kind of day did you have that you need to drown it in pizza rolls? Pizza in the morning, pizza after school time, pizza never a goddamn again. Because at one time I ate 90 pizza rolls. What I like is if- Griffin, could you read me the last sentence again?

Will I die? Doubt it. Get sick? Probably. So she knows that it is a bad idea that she will at least get sick. Well, if, if, sorry, if you're, if you were asking yourself the question, will this thing kill me? And your answer is doubt it?

That means there's a shadow of a doubt in your mind that yes, in fact, eating nine pounds of pizza. You know what though, Griffin? I would say that man could have safely stayed on the surface of the earth and just stared at the moon for the rest of his life, but he was willing to risk it. I'm saying that- Find out what would happen. Eating-

Yeah, Travis is saying this because Travis's daily diet is rated by how much the likelihood that it will kill him. I'm saying bacon and applesauce, maybe. Travis, using your space metaphor, eating three pounds of pizza rolls is going to be- Going to the moon. It's going to be the challenger, actually, is what's going on. Oh, oh no.

Yeah. Oh no. Oh golly. Three pounds of pizza rolls. It's going to be that fucking- It's going to be gluttony from seven. You're going to die fat on a table and Brad Pitt's going to be like, oh gross. I'm so thin and he's so fat.

High school, three pounds of pizza rolls. Imagine when you do have to go to the hospital, the doctor's like, we have a patient here. She's got an overdose of flavor. Yeah. She's got flavor. She's got terminal flavor. She's been flavor blasted.

She's got that Italian zest. Oh, I hit her right in all the right places. I tell you what's definitely going to be- What's definitely going to happen is your mom is going to get pissed. Yeah, because you ate all the fucking pizza rolls. We were saving that for pizza roll night. She just got that as a Sam's Club. She's got to go all the way back out to the goddamn Sam's.

Why the fuck did I even get the Sam's Club membership? I could have just bought you four bags of pizza rolls at the Walmart. And all the Vasilean's gone. Don't you know the blend? All right, nine to one. White nurse, get me the disaster. This woman ate the Super Bowl. Please.

Jesus. What if she accidentally messes up her digestive system so much that she can no longer be full unless she eats three pounds of food? Like she stretches it out to a point of no return. Right, exactly. It just looks like a colostomy bag hanging out of her navel. All I can picture is that she's just finished the 89th pizza roll.

And her greasy, slimy hands are clutching the 90th as she's like shaking and sweating. And she's falling over at this point because she is as fat as she is tall. And she's rolling around like violet Beauregard. And still she finishes the bag. Wouldn't it be? That was a really great dismount. You know, this sounds like an episode of my favorite show on TV right now,

which is Suicide Watch Man vs. Food. Which is like Man vs. Food. But instead of going to restaurants and trying their food challenges, he just buys a lot of shitty food and then tries to eat it. And eats it at home in the dark. All right, today, I went around, took a long time, but I collected every type of Pringles that there are. If the first half was him buying the food he was going to destroy it with,

and the second half was watching him eat it as sounds of silence playing in the background, I think that would be really into that show. Only if there is a special sound effect every time unattended at the grocery store said, can I help you? And you just look at him and go, yes, please. I need someone. Sir, I think you have enough Pringles. I think over the credits, he should be, he should say like,

oh, well, I guess I have to keep on living. And over the credits, should just be him trying to uncancel his dentist appointment. And the battle of man vs. food, everyone loses. I really want this show to be made now. I want to see a man astride a mountain of hot pockets just yelling that God is dead. This is what I want from television. Give me that.

I just want to see a man surrounded by an ocean of empty Pringles cans just saying, I thought the fun would never stop. Yeah, but it did. Once I popped, I couldn't stop until I died, until I died, until I was finally shuffled off this mortal coil. Take me there Pringles man. Here's the sad thing about all this. Okay.

Now I'm really wanting pizza rolls. I know, right? I could really, I could really go for some pizza rolls and Pringles for lunch. That'd be great. What's the like five o'clock cocktail rule for pizza rolls? How early is too early for pizza rolls? There's nothing, it's never too early. If pizza, if bagel bites can rock the like pizza in the morning thing,

then I don't see why they have more of a claim on it than pizza rolls. Do you know the coffee commercial where someone like starts a pot and it like wakes everyone in the house up? I would like to make that pizza rolls commercial. But then everyone comes out of Seattle and they're just like, what the fuck? What the fuck? It's nine in the morning. What's the matter with you Tony?

Jesus. You know, Congress just declared pizza a vegetable. So technically it's like, it's like a vegetable roll. You're starting the morning off with your, it's like a V8, a crunchy V8. Are you fucking kidding me? Is that a goof that thing you just said? No, Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable because of food lobby. Red is now a number.

What are you doing in Congress, Congress? Maybe Congress was just a rubber stamping a bunch of stuff without really reading it all the way through. And then like the next day they're like looking in the paper and it's like, pizza vegetable, and I'm like, damn it. God damn it. I'm going to be able to put the genie back in the bottle this time, guys. Yeah.

Pizza is unvegetable. Congress declares, listen, we were really baked. What's the point in- We rolled a big vegetable and smoked it. Can't we just leave that up to science? Can't we let science declare what is and is not of a- Or logic. Or the church.

I think separation of church and state. You let the church decide what's a vegetable or not. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. Unclean. Just watch it. It's just DDT.

Just watch it out. That's fine. Not a big deal. Hey, a lot of people say, guys, you are famous. Don't you have famous friends that you can bring on your show? Don't they need advice from time to time? Why are you keeping them out? Why are you in my room?

Why are you in my room? Get out of here. And then we say, but you have a point before you go. We should admit that you do have a point. So we asked some of our famous friends how we could help them. This week, we have a question from our dear friend, a video game parodyist, humorist, singer, songwriter, rental floss.

And let's listen to his query right now. Hey there, three M.E. bros. So I've worked from home for a little over a year now. The majority of my weekday time is spent in my room. I've recently started to worry that maybe the lack of social interaction isn't good for me. And I remember that at least one of you works from home. So do you have any tips for how I could continue working from home, but still be a healthy, productive person?

Thanks a bunch. Shall I be the one detained? Working from home, it's a mixed blessing, I think. More blessing than curse. I've been working out of my house for, I guess, three years now. It is really hard not to turn into a little bit of a little bit of a hermit. It gets a little hard to deal with the emotions of people in the real world. Because you're used to kind of controlling everything, like a hermit.

You see the allure of the lifestyle, the hermit lifestyle, and it's kind of hard to run away from it. You start to watch extreme couponing and go, yeah, I get it. I get it. Without the hermit. Without the aid of emoticons, I just don't know. I don't know what expressions people are giving me. I don't know.

That's actually, Jerry Griffin carries around a book of facial expressions just so you can compare what people are trying to convey. Your eyes look like semicolons, so that must mean you're trying to fuck. I, you do have to make every concession to have human contact when possible. I used to think that meant when I heard the FedEx truck pull up running outside to maybe just strike up a convo, but it's got to be more substantial than that. Hi, Deb. If you're listening, by the way, thanks for all the packages.

That's crazy. Marty is your dude? Yeah, he's really great. Sometimes it's a new person. I'm like, hey, get out of here. Where's Marty? Let Deb bring, bring Deb back. You got to do your laundry.

That's important. You're going to feel the need to not do it because who gives a fuck? You got to, you got to divorce yourself from the ideology of fuck it. You can't, you can't give in to fuck it. Who have I got to impress today in computer? Because then when people come over to visit and they can't open the door because of the stacks of newspaper. Yeah, exactly.

You are at a constant, Griffin's so right. You have to constantly be making the choice to not fuck it. Yeah. You have to be making the choice to say, I'm not fucking it today. Today I'm putting it, I can't, this is a true, true, I joke a lot about, you know, I work it out in my house somewhere in sweatpants all the time. I can't wear sweatpants or my, I don't have a work day. They're like, they're like kryptonite.

Like I wear them. It's like I lose, lose all my ability to function as an adult. So wear real pants. That really helps. Shower, shower by at least 10 o'clock or at the most 10 o'clock. And you got to put on real big boy clothes and you got to pretend that maybe your desk is next to a super cute girl's desk and you want to try and impress her with your good posture. You know.

Let me ask you guys this because I do not work from home nor have I ever. So let me ask you this. Do you guys set up like a work schedule? Do you know that at a certain time your work day is done and you can, is it like homeschooling? I kick it. I start kicking it at nine at one. I take a shower or no, I'm sorry. That's when I lunch it.

And then, and then I'm out by five or six, depending on the workload. Now, how much of that time is spent hiding from the boss? I don't know how much it a large amount of my day is spent flirting with Rebecca from accounting, which is weird. Standing around the water cooler. Standing around the water cooler. Just gossiping. Kind of so sad to see me gossip.

You should see it. I like to, I like to talk about the voice with anyone who will listen. But unfortunately, I'm the only person at home. So I usually just wait for Marty to come by and I say, hey, thanks for the package. Check the voice last night. But he never did. He never watches it. I don't think he has a TV Christmas gift this year.

It's you got to put, I don't understand these people, by the way, who are putting off their showers. Me, I get up. My day does not start until I show. I can't do anything until I've gotten the just washed off the night. And Jesus didn't have the day freshly, freshly baked wash off the sea salt. Grime from the docks. The crying myself into my pillow to sleep.

After judging through the seedy underbelly of Huntington, West Virginia. Yeah. After an ecstasy fueled night of raving, you got to get the ecstasy sweat off. Just wash the glitter off. It won't come off. Glow in the dark. You wipe off the grease paint. Glow in the dark.

As you cry in the mirror. Glow in the dark highlighter all over your arms. The residue from candy necklaces. Five different bracelets from five different dive bars. Seamen, strange seamen. Well, okay. You might have taken it a bit, a bit too far. This is a weird seamen.

This is like, this feels like a 99% 1% maximum. Perculiar. What does this seamen look like to you? Perculiar. It looks to me like the state of Montana. I want to do anything other than continue this conversation. So let's go to the Money Zone. Oh, this is a special one.

Yeah, this is our dear, dear, dear friends, Lindsay and Daven Pavlis. And I hope I'm pronouncing that right because they truly are a wonderful people. It is a happy one-year anniversary, birthday and Thanksgiving. It's a triple holiday and he says, I love you. Triple holiday wife. This is a great value, I think he's gotten here. Yeah. Because he is really covering all his base right now.

You know, the federal government can really learn something from Daven. Let's stack a few more on there. We're close enough to Christmas, I think, that we can throw Christmas up in the mix. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Chanukkah. Happy candle nights. Happy candle nights, everyone.

Happy candle nights, everyone. It's coming around the bend so fast. I'm just, I'm happy that these two people are on the earth. Me too, they're great people. They make my life a little better. I'm glad they found each other in this crazy mixed up world. It's so hard. So hard to find someone.

Against all odds. Against all odds. Happy birthday. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy candle nights. Happy anniversary. And just in case anyone was wondering, I've decided that from henceforth,

the one-year anniversary is the podcast anniversary. Okay. Is he getting a podcast? Can't say, everybody make your plan ahead now. Good to get your requests in early. Okay, good. It's by, oh, I did not read this name. I'm just going to run right at it.

Mike Scalindulus. Thanks. Thank you, Mike S. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Salim, who asks. Scalindulus sounds like something you chant before a football game. That's what it's going to say. Scal, go to the battle cry. It is by Yahoo Answers user, Salim, who asks,

what are the risks of at home circumcision? My girlfriend gets freaked out by my anteater wiener. I am going to please her and get a circumcision, but I don't have health insurance. I will do it tomorrow after school, but I want to know what the risks are. He says I will be using alcohol and scissors, but that is so dumb that I can't believe it's true.

Did he say it's so dumb or did you say it's so dumb? That was my own editorializing. I apologize. Ed note, this guy is fucking out of his mind, dumb. Oh, God. I guess the biggest risk is that he doesn't die from it. Yeah. What are the risks?

All of them. All of the risks. This is nothing but risks. Like the whole thing is a risk. It's a risk, no reward. What are you doing? Don't double down. It was okay.

I took a huge risk so that I could have a mangled penis. Yeah. And here you go, sweetie. I care about you so much. Every night I'm treating you to a poorly crafted turtle neck sweater, like we're praying at the edges. My poorly sculpted member. The reward is if he does it right, you have a clean and

a healthy penis tip, no toboggan required. Yeah. And that's a great look. It's a great. It's totally in this season. It's streamlined. It's streamlined. That's really the only thing that's going for it, I guess.

Yeah, and that makes the tip of your penis look like Joe Pesci's head and home alone. Yeah. Which is really nice. Oh, my God. After he gets his head burned by the, oh man. Yeah, I know. Fuck, I can think of, oh God.

I can think of exactly what you're talking about. And now I can't. Time for you to meet the wet bandit. Oh, it's sticky. Is it sticky bandit? Sticky bandit the first time. And then they become the wet bandit. They become the wet bandit.

Well, they find the right mixture of Vaseline and water. Fuck, fuck. Battletown. The risks are actually, this may surprise, no risk. Nothing could possibly go wrong. You have actually, yeah, there is actually no, there are so many risks, you've actually negated the risk. The risk all cancel each other out.

It's like algebra. Algebra is dumb. It's like that scene in the cartoon where somebody that goes flying off a ledge and like bounces past the glass factory and over the tack truck and into like the pillow canal. Like that's what's going to happen. What you've set yourself up with right now

is a sleepwalking olive oil situation. Just, just maybe hearing all the while you're fine. It's like a baby. You would play it basically. It's the baby's day out of dumb shit to do your penis. Oh God, you're going to. Peanuts day out. You are going to need.

Hey, Chris Columbus, you're welcome for all these guy named residuals. That's why I need today. Chris Columbus, you make me so sad. You are going to need the sharpest scissors and all. And the steeliest will. Yeah. And steel wool.

Well, because what you really can't do is get halfway through and give up. Just looks like a bankers visor down there. Surgeon's mask. What's going on? It's like a blooming onion down there. You got some hanging chat, it looks like. I got a Pez dispenser for penis.

The only thing it dispenses. Is he wearing a fanny pack? What's going on down there? Fanny pack. Look, it's like it's cool. It's like a visor. It's like a motorcycle helmet. You just lower it.

No risk. No risk actually. To make your your shroud of yuck. I would like to get a follow up on this, though. Yeah, I'd like to talk to that kid's dad. It would just be a Yahoo answer that just read. Oh, no. No, no, no.

There's blood everywhere. Uh, newly single, got a Joe Pesci penis down there. And I just want to know where can I meet some ladies who are forgiving. Hey, hey, don't do this thing. If you're listening, sir, don't, don't do it. It's good for us, but but bad for you. I honestly don't think it's good for us.

I think that like karmically, like from a zen point of view, this is going to negatively affect everyone in the world. This one decision, like a butterfly flapping its wings. This is a snake eating its own horribly ruined dick. Get your mouth off of their snake. Why is everybody, can I, are we living? Okay, the between this and the Pete and the the pizza roll challenge lady, I, I can't help but wonder, are we,

are we, is there some like primal instinct need for adventure that is not being met that we are somehow trying to generate danger in our lives? Like somehow it's overriding common sense to, to give us the feeling of being threatened. Like we need it. This king is cutting off the tip of his penis to feel alive. Instead of going like spelunking or whitewater rafting,

you ruin your, you ruin, you ruin your treasure. You ruined your gift. That was your gift. The God gave your perfect flower. God gave you the gift to give to a special, your wife. And you know what you did? You unwrapped it early. You unwrapped that gift.

He took the bow off. Took the bow off. Took the bow off. And then stabbed it over and over again. Stabbed it. Oh God. Stabbed, ugh. Now it just looks like those paper caps that you put on

turkey legs at Thanksgiving. Now he's just going to be cold all the time. I've recently started a new relationship. Sometimes when I'm chatting with my boyfriend, something that I did with my ex or something that happened while we were together comes up. Seems kind of tackless to keep saying me and my ex did this or one time my ex said this.

But I feel like I'm being disingenuous if I just say my friend. Help me, my bim bam. Which do I use? Or do I just avoid these stories all together and risk never having much to add to the conversation? Exed out in England. Whoa, bummer.

This is, this is, wow. This is like, it's a weird, this could be written by our first question asker just like later. I think you might be selling yourself a little short here. I don't, I don't believe that anybody, regardless of how like into a relationship they've ever been, I don't think anybody only has stories about their ex. Or why don't, why do you, like why do you even have

to address that there was another person there? Like, instead of saying like, oh, me and Chombers went and saw, you know, we wouldn't saw him in in Black 2. Why can't you just say, I, yes, I have seen him in in Black 2. And it was excellent. But it's another, why can't you just use the dude's name? Yeah, well, I mean, that's, that's. Why can't you just drop it and be like, yeah, Chombers

and I went and saw him in Black 2. Chombers is kind of, is it unique in any other? Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, but why do you have to say my ex and I? Well, that's not, it's, you're missing the point, I think. It's not that they, it's not that terminology is trying to avoid it. It's the.

The existence of Chombers. This dude doesn't mean the existence of Chombers. I see, I see, how do you broach the subject and the answer is you don't. Well, there's so many options here, really. One is, I think we've all heard a story that someone is told and then thought, oh, I wish that had happened to me. And then like six months down the road,

you tell that story and it did happen to you that time. Now it's happening to you. You just, you just repurposed the story. Do that, but outsource it to somebody. You can tell the story. It's just, it happened to other people. Oh, I see. Yeah.

Then you have something to add. It's been a little fiction. Double lie. Basically. Double lie. Super lie to him, this person you love and trust. Yeah. I think that in this circumstance, it's kind of,

you gotta, you gotta dip your toe in the water. And like the first time you mention your ex, just see how your boyfriend reacts. And maybe he doesn't care. I like, I don't care when Theresa mentions her ex boyfriend. Because she with me now. And that's all that matters. Yeah.

But you're very secure in your relationship. But if this is an early thing, we guys have been together for a while. If this is an early thing, you shouldn't be talking about it at all. Yeah. Right. I mean, you just. You talk about it exactly once to get that out of the way.

Like, yeah, I dated this dude. We lived together. I resuscitated him back to health after his motorcycle crash. And we proposed to each other under the Parisian night sky. And made. I think you, I think you go even vaguer and just say, I have dated before. Yeah.

We spent, we spent one entire day together in Venice. I met him on the train. He was a stranger. We fell deeply, deeply in love. That's, that is before, before sunrise, the movie. That's not what I think. That's not a real thing. No.

I mean, it is, the movie is real. The movie is great. And let me just say delightful. There's a real great performances by Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. Great work, guys. Keep it up. Yeah.

I wish Ethan Embry had been in it. I'm trying to bring him back. Where'd he go? Where'd he go? I love that guy. Can't hardly wait. Great. Does that one have vampires in it?

Can't hardly wait. Or before, before sunrise. Yeah, it does. Because that's, they're both vampires. They're both vampiric in nature. So. It goes, it goes. It's sunrise.

Before sunrise. And then the second movie is from Dust Till Dawn. And then the third one is Twilight. Yeah. Keep it going. Keep it going, Trev. You got a Lost Boys, you got Lost Boys Goof you can drop on us. Girlfriend, I think you're missing his Goof.

His Goof was Times of Deck. It was Times of Deck. It was a good, it was a pretty good run. And we were looking for Times of Day. What about? Times of Day. That was a uniting theme. Times of Day.

You just, just don't talk about it. No. Talk about other things. Tuesdays, Tuesdays with Maury. That's, that's not. What? That's a day. Talk about Tuesdays with Maury.

It's a day of the week. I read the best book. Have you heard of this book? Didn't they make a movie? Yeah. With Owen Wilson and a dog. Yeah. Jack Lemon was in it.

Okay. In his final performance as an old man that's dying. Which like, I get it, but. It was a little on the nose. A little on the nose, Jack. It was Jack Lemon, wasn't it? It was either him or Mathal. They're really interchangeable, aren't they?

Yeah. At this point. Yeah. I bet the two of them are getting into some high jinks up there. Oh, man. Do you think they live together? I would, I would say that, uh, to, you know, get back to X dot mingle.

All right. We're doing an advice show. Oh yeah, that's right. I, I, you know, if it comes up naturally, I don't think you need to be afraid to drop it. But if you're feeling uncomfortable doing it, then I don't think you feel the, you need to feel the need to bring it up.

You know, new memories. Don't feel like you're being disingenuous. Just because I do think that like, no matter, no matter how secure somebody is, they don't want to hear you talk. They want to think about the fact that you used to be with somebody else. And they start, they don't want to hear you talking about it enough that they start to assume that you pine for that life still.

And that may not be, I mean, that's not the most like sort of mature reaction to somebody talking about their X, but it's what we all do. I mean, it's, it's a very human, human reaction to it, I think. Yeah. This year is my first post college Thanksgiving. Now that I'm in my own household,

I'd like to bring a dish to the meal. However, all the traditional Thanksgiving sides in dessert are already taken. I don't drink wine and there's already going to be a few bottles. So that's not a great option either. What should I bring to Thanksgiving dinner, stumped over stuffing? Your own, your smile. Bring your smile.

I don't think that all the traditional things are taken. I think, I mean, they may be take the traditional things may be taken, but that doesn't mean you can't still knock it out of the park with a great dessert that people are just going to love. And I'm also going to point out, I've never made an entire traditional Thanksgiving meal, but I'm willing to bet that if you called the host or hostess and said, Hey, I'd like to make something, they're more than happy.

Oh, sure. Sure. Shovel something off on you. You know what I'm saying. Do you know my, do you know my power play? What's your power? Bring a turkey. A bit.

No, fuck that. A bigger turkey, a big buttery. Bring some turduck. Kill it. Kill their turkey with your turkey. Get a Texas size raptor turkey. They will never know it hit them because they will be lacerated by its claws and gobbler.

So just bring a live turkey. I have two classic dessert options that I tend to go towards. Ritz tort. Nice. Bring a Ritz tort and people are just going to lose their minds over that or make chess bars. Holiday favorite chess bars. Go get our friends.

Dave and Alexander have a show called the DNA Food Cast and they did our mom's recipe for chess bars last week, I think. And that's like you bring that and it's just going to be the talk of the talk of the party. You know what's always a fan favorite? Cheesecake. It's not hard to make. It's a little. And there's a there's a rocking like pumpkin cheesecake

that you can make. It's absolutely delicious. Can you bring a novelty erotic cake? Yeah. Thanksgiving. Yeah. I think so. Oh like so like a turkey with a big.

Like a big old boner turkey. It's like how kids used to make like the the hand print turkeys only with a. And if you can somehow make this turkey speak and by which I mean I don't mean a smaller speech bubble cake but a literal like some sort of voice recording like they put in those gift cards or he's saying like gobble gobble and he's like pointing to gobble it up like pointing to his his turkey boner and he's like pointing to it and saying like gobble like have it. I guarantee you don't have to worry about anybody else having already made. Yeah.

Because they will have left the party. We had we had someone ask us on Twitter a couple weeks ago one of our dear dear listeners said can you guys just for one episode cheese it with the dick talk so I can play this show for my family and and the answer is no the answer is no it's definitive no fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly and we gotta talk about those birds have big old boners because that boner is gonna weigh it down yeah hey hey here's here's why don't you bring an empty stomach and a big and a big oh bring your own Tupperware I love it leftover I'm gonna help you dispose of all this extra food but you know what speaking at somebody who's been in that situation before I would appreciate

some wouldn't you Tupperware so that way you don't have to worry about losing your Tupperware and you avoid the like make sure I get this back you know kind of moment there's like kind of things now don't just bring like a plastic grocery bag and like scoop it in just shovel it in I'll take three spoonfuls of everything hey check this out what do you guys think this this this move what about some cigars you know for the boys yeah hey hey the boys I uh brought some cigars let's real nice let's go watch and some weed for the ladies ladies we're gonna watch some ladies I got you some weed we're gonna watch a football contest and smoke these stokies you guys bake and bake that turkey is gonna taste especially awesome

this is the most awesome Thanksgiving ever why don't you go get there really early and tell them you brought your kitchen wisdom and then just say a bunch of folksy things as they're cooking to try them into doing a better job I brought a stern hand and a judging eye I brought an egg timer to make sure you don't mess anything up dummy I brought just bringing a vacuum in an apron and be like I'm here to clean up after I brought Sally fields from fried green tomatoes she is here to dispense all of her kitchen wisdom to you I brought my own pillows for when I take a nap on your carpet this is my Nana I made her come to cook for you she's got so much weed on her shake my Nana the weed falls out Nana Nana baked face we call her hey you know uh

if you're going to cook a turkey this year let me tell you what you do okay you uh you make bacon okay morning before and then you take the the grease after you cook the bacon then you pour it into a cup you put the cup in the fridge and then when you go to cook the turkey you drink that you cut slivers of the solidified bacon fat off and put it underneath the skin and then just throw some in the middle there and you know that's great because then the next day when you have leftover sandwiches you just keep putting slivers of bacon grease on them until you die Travis you just have a constantly regenerating supply of bacon grease I have nine mason jars full of bacon grease oh god and they're labeled Monday Wednesday Friday special

occasions birthday and then one that's kind of really old it just says the end you realize that the way you talk on this show makes you sound like the fat unabomber right some of the things you say makes you sound like the fat unabomber I'm actually very in shape very healthy I'm saying you're perfect but your mouth words make you sound like the fat unabomber I live my life uh like a Roman okay and that's my goal is to uh one day have a functioning vomitorium but for the time being uh yes don't eat bacon grease if you eat bacon grease then your whole house is a vomitorium is it sad that the other day I just bought myself a happy birthday ice cream cake uh for no reason you bet you bet it is you got it right that's a problem

hey Griff do you have a yahoo to cheer me up um this one was sent in by lisa holifield it's by yahoo answers user whey who asks why are you girls so damn mean when it comes to size and don't give me that love crap okay this what okay this girl told me that if a guy doesn't at least have a six inch penis erected sorry about the dick talk dad then he better not have sex or show a girl his penis or they will laugh at him I'm an 18 year old guy fully through puberty and I have a 5.1 to 5.5 inch ranging on good and bad days but that's depending on the weather that's usually where I am so I'm really nervous also it's not just this one girl it's a lot of girls who say this well step one stop asking girls if they like your dick here's the thing what isn't that hat that the human

race has been propagating itself that way for thousands of years don't look just don't look um also you did not hear the latest census data the average has actually gone down a little bit to 5.8 inches so yeah you're slightly below you're a little bit closer on your good days you're heavy flow day hey how's your day not great not great how's that hang in uh about 0.4 fully erect I fully erected uh that is a lot of that is a lot of variation uh that's a very specific measurement on the good day he still had the tip on the bad day I cut my I get myself a circumcision using alcohol and scissors so now all my days are bad that that one particular day was the worst they haven't gotten much better ladies don't give me that love crap what do you

wait why is there why are you I don't know why does it test and we just can we just be cool for a second about dick sizes can we just chill out about it like if one guy's arms are shorter than another guy's arms you don't go hey pussy I don't see why why a dick has to be any different to be fair though I do judge a girl on the size of her vagina oh god come on come on wait width or depth come on I want to hear from his last question first few little housekeeping notes we have a new t-shirt at maxfunstore.com so you can go pick that up and and still get the blue mb mbam adventure shirt

um got a uh twitter feed it's mb it's at mb mbam follow that to find out uh when the the show is is out it's your we post there just as soon as it it goes live um thank you to people who are tweeting about the show uh schraddy bones dan you and g alex sphere hooligan d89 rila wita uh sea kilgore uh gattie james jack digi sinesha a lot of people were uh a little upset that griffin was so mean about metal music I apologize some people really turned me on to some good stuff like uh really yeah like hate blood pretty good um devil devil puke devil puke is really is great and of course uh rose effer lots of fun people are out there uh uh talking about the show use mb mbam hashtag to to talk about it um and happy birthday anniversary and thanksgiving to lindsay

from daven yeah uh what I want yeah cut that out yeah cut that what are you doing I don't know I want to thank genesis today for endorsing our program after I I in turn endorsed their delicious and nutritious uh immunity boosting superfruit gummies available in your wild greens you get guys you get 50 for 10 49 how's your health it's pretty good 200 dollars on the jumbo tron full disclosure we are getting a whole suite of genesis today products for that I said they said do you want this and I said for christ's sake yes yes I need to keep travis alive he needs to live uh we have uh okay real quick stuff we will not be doing a show next week we're going to spend some time with our families and we're all going to be traveling

and thanksgiving and you don't really need us anyway you should enjoy the love and bosom of your family get your shopping started um if you want to get a personal ad like uh daven was kind of up to do for lindsay go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbo tron why are you there why not check out all of the great max fun programings to podcast yourself judge john hodgeman sonny young america jordan jesse go so much good stuff um two things I want to thank john roderick and the long winners for the use of their song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed uh as as they is their sort of theme song it's our theme song right at the beginning of the show and it's so great and by their albums and thank you second thing we have a location for

our live show in austin texas and tickets are going to go on sale um sometime this week um probably near the middle of the week so keep an eye out we'll announce it on twitter um so it's not a huge venue so those tickets are going to go fast it's not it's the blue theater if you live in austin that's where it is uh we'll probably go someplace after the show and get drinks and uh yeah come on out because it's gonna be it's gonna be a real fun time um but keep an eye out where is that again griffin so people can start making plans it's on east austin right off airport google map google map at you lazy fox what day are we playing on sunday december the 11th is the day of the show we're gonna put tickets on sale uh we have to do well simultaneously put the link up

on twitter and our facebook so and on the maximum but it is a it is not a big venue so uh uh you want to act fast to get those tickets on board and uh god i'm so fucking excited i can't wait to see everyone uh yeah that's all that's on my end oh it's also move ember i uh we would appreciate your move ember donations you can just go to us dot move ember dot com and search for either justin or i we're both participating i'm growing a mustache mine looks pretty fucking dope yeah except for the part where you look like you are are you about to talk smack about my mustache because i still my must i haven't seen yours well i'm saving it up in a jar in the jar and we keep our mustaches until the live show and then i will say i will say to a mustache for the live

show keep my mustache for live show justin need a firm commitment i will be divorced i will be a single man living with a mustache i keep it one moment longer than 1201 december first uh thank you guys so much for listening to the show as always we do this for you to entertain you and make you happy and we really love it that so many of you tune in um and and so thank you very much and thanks to dan do we mention dance average last week for for i don't remember well let's thank him again yeah thanks for for mentioning our show giving it the plug on your on your podcast post um on your site uh you can track down dance average but let's be honest you probably already know who he is and thanks again to our friend brentel floss uh yeah thanks brent see his videos

and his webcomic uh at brentelfloss.com make sure you check all that stuff out okay griffin i'm ready this is finally a who is sent in by alithia eckhart thank you alithia it's by yahoo answers user ah fuck jkfnbm who asks what would be a good tattoo inspired by the book the time traveler's wife i'm toaster macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this is my brother my brother and me it's your dad school wear on the lips keep your heart three stacks keep your heart hey keep your heart three stacks keep your heart man these girls are smart three stacks these girls are smart play your part