My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 82: Fried Green Lockout

Episode Date: December 5, 2011

We're trying awfully hard to hitch our caboose of comedy to the engine of holiday cheer, but it's pretty difficult to do so when the world's events try to bring us down at every turn. Today, we mourn the falling of a political titan. Join us. Suggested talking points: Cain Train, Shorty, Aggro-Sexual Art, Bite the Rose David, Teeeeens, Instructions for Salvation, The Long Hoard, Gender-based movies, Podtraxx, MADDAFCS

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, after taking a week off to finish our groundbreaking work on the Herman Cain campaign, we return to you, my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era with heavy hearts today. We drove that bitch until the wheels fell off. Right? Somebody put a penny on the track and that penny was common sense and it knocked us clean up.

That penny is called sexual harassment allegations and the allegations of a long-term affair and that penny, it took the cane train clean off the tracks. Is that really? Where did we go wrong, Travis? Griffin, where did we go wrong? I just can't believe that something that minute ended our nation's most beautiful dream. Something as small as a 13-year-long illicit affair. Yeah, that's only an affair that is as old as a seventh grader. You know, if we looked at time in its completeness, 13 years? Not that much. Consider the fullness of time, Huffington Post. Give it a thought. Give it a once over. Give it a once over, you jerks. You know, I told my children that they would live to see a day when a black, unqualified man could be president

of this country and you are ruining it. You are making me a liar to my non-existent children. I told my 13-year-old love child that he would live to see his daddy in the White House. And mommy won to walk across that stage as mommy too clapped inconspicuously from the crowd. I promised him that, sir. Guys, a lot of America, you ruined it. This, of course, is an advice for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother and campaign manager, Justin McElroy. I am your middlest brother and intern, Travis McRoy. And I am Griffin McRoy, the charming and witty press secretary. Hey, I saw you and Danny Cancannon in the back room. Oh, you were smoochin. Smoochin. Do not approve. I'd smooch his beard clean off.

Hey, where's your beard to the bus field? Go and smooch it off, good? Smooch it off. Give me a sweet, gold fish. You sweet, sweet bearded man. So, brothers, I really like this girl and she likes me. However, she is two to three inches taller than me. Is this a deal breaker? That's from Compact in Kentucky. Why are you so small? Why are you so small? Why are you so tiny? Why are you so little? Hey, little guy. You know, two to three inches? Are you shitting me? We just wasted three months of our life trying to get Herman Cain elected president and you're worried about two to three inches? No, if it was two to three feet,

yeah, that's a deal breaker. She's like nine feet tall. Right. She's a big friendly giant. I'm dating Mandy the Giant and that's the closest female version of Andrea. As I said, you mean Mondre? Andrea. Damn it. Damn it. Yeah. Here's the thing. What I like about this kind of worry is if this was a girl and she was saying, I like this guy, but he's two to three inches taller than me, everyone would be like, that's stupid. What are you talking about? I think it's a little bit sexist. Is it sexist or is it scientifically proven that men are a little bit taller than women, Travis? Just a little bit, not a lot, just a little bit and not all women. I know women who are taller than me. I, Griffin, I did read your paper titled Women Be Short.

Yeah. And I thought that was really interesting. Well, it's not. They got those tiny little Robin bones like a Robin bird has. Travis, I wanted to ask you something about Herman Cain real quick before I return to the question. You're not so great with keeping up on the politics, right? You are sometimes out of the loop as far as that stuff goes. Yeah. Are you aware that in his final speech, suspending his campaign, and I promise we will return to this question in just a moment, are you aware that in his final campaign speech, he quoted the Pokemon movie and not just quoted the Pokemon movie, but specifically cited, I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie. Life can be a challenge. Life could seem

impossible. It's never easy when there's so much on the line. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not. Okay, I want you guys to know I was in no way invested in his campaign, but only now, when he's gone, do I realize what I missed. Yeah, you don't, don't it always seem to go. Hey, Paradise and quoted Pokemon. Somebody tweeted about him like he wasn't having a fair, he was just trying to catch them all. Yeah, ever since now. Guys, we have to go back. So anyway, we have to go back. We have to go back to the cane train. I'm gonna have to wait till 2016 to get that beautiful motherfucker back on the stage and just know it. Damn it. Damn it. Is there any other things that he can run for in the meantime?

Yeah, we could use a new mayor, I think. All cities, can he be the, can he just be the across the board mayor? The super mayor. Yeah. I have a problem. My super mayor is two to three inches taller than me. Is this a medal? He has made of metal and has missile fingers. Okay, you guys might tell me if I'm out of line here. Okay. I feel like this two to three inch taller problem is only a problem depending on how old they are. If they're in high school versus like 26, 27. High schoolers don't know how to use the internet to email though. That is true. They don't learn that till college. Yeah, they're not allowed. Hey,

why don't you know how, if you're so hung up on this, why don't you know exactly how much difference is? 2.4 inches taller than me. Yeah, we're on a metric system. You could do that. Yeah, right. God damn our stupid inch system. I know. But the thing is, like, I feel like maybe if she's taller than him, his worries that he'll catch some flak from like other students and other, you know, bullies and whatnot. Maybe she's so big that she'll absorb all the flak for him. Oh, I see. Right. She can take that flak. Leave tiny boyfriend alone. Maybe they're both super tall and one of them is less super tall than the other. She's seven foot five and I'm only seven foot two. Right. I'm afraid her parents are going to try to

dunk on me. No, it's not a deal breaker. To answer the question, not a deal breaker. If you're so concerned about it, then why don't you buy some man pumps? Yeah, man pumps are available. Slap some man pumps on that bitch and then height problem solved. No joke. Cowboy boots will give you like another inch and a half to two inches. Look, you're halfway there. Now put a nice spiky stiletto on your cowboy boot and you'll be five inches taller. And a 10 gallon hat. Get yourself a cowboy ugly boot and a coyote ugly fuck. You got to find yourself an ugly cowboy. You got to find an ugly cowboy and ride him to save a horse. Big and rich. Big and rich. Hey, in August, I moved into a house with three friends from college.

Well, I was out one day. My roommates decorated the house without asking me. I hate the art they hung up on the walls. Here's the rub. The art was all done by my roommate's girlfriend of five years. There's no way I can broach the subject without coming off like a complete asshole. What do I do? That's from Erkt in Indiana. You hire someone to rob your house. Oh my God, Travis. That's brilliant. Thank you. It's an art thief with great taste, apparently, because he stole all of Janie's paintings of her dog and her dog's friends. The other option is, I think, equally as good, and that is you hire someone to dress as an art collector and sweep into the room in their half cape and beret and say, I'll take them. Yeah.

That's going to require as the cigarette dangles from their the long cigarette holder with their tiny mustache. Speaking of cigarettes. An eye patch. Speaking of cigarettes, maybe burn the apartment down. Hey. Hey. That's another solution. Why don't you speak up and talk to your rude ass roommate who decorated? Yeah, I just put some paintings in your room. Is that cool? It's absolutely not. It is absolutely not cool. These paintings are not cool with me. I don't feel like an asshole because he's the fucking guy who made all the Martha Stewart decisions without asking you, and that's the best part of a house is that you get to decorate and make it your own. You didn't make it your own, though. You made it Jeff's. Jeff was the asshole first,

and now you are completely in your right to be like, hey, this decoration choice we tried it out for a while. I don't think it's working. My friends would come over. They don't like it. Maybe we want to switch it out for something else and see how that works. Is this art violently sexual? Like, really, really? This is all boobs. Aggressively sexual. Boobs everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you get your own art that is, in fact, violently sexual and hang it up? Say, I don't know. I'm just trying this out, too. This is my painting. It's five dogs playing poker. Also, they have giant boners. Yeah. You need to have this conversation with your roommate. That's option one. You talk to him about it. Option two, guy comes in and buys them. Option

three, burn it down. Option four, thief, art thief. Yeah. I think the other one is you just just suffer. Just eat it. You know, so often we rush to fix the little things that plague us, but it's like you don't appreciate breathing until you try to hold your breath. Yeah. Why don't you just try living with something you hate for a while and then it'd be such a refreshing change when you finally get out of it. But is it possible that our listener here would say his name is Stephen, that these paintings just say, like, Stephen's a dick. Yeah. And they're just like, pages of Stephen with a knife in his head. This is an apple, but the apple is saying, fuck you, Stephen. Yeah. I do not think that is. Oh, and then the roommate and his girlfriend

are just standing there going, what do you think, Stephen? I believe this is from her 2011 Stephen sucks dick collection. This magnum opus is titled, fuck off, Stephen. You're a jerk. And that's it to see in the painting. There's hands on ellipses because it's art. Is this that big of a deal? I feel like I don't even notice art most of the time. I don't think it's that big of a deal, but I can see where this would be the kind of thing that just kind of eats at you and just like you come home from a hard day at work and you look up and there's that stupid ass painting. It's like, here's one more thing I don't need. I could see where that it would like be a tiny thing. There's bugs at you. But if it's like, if it's like two

werewolves like sucking each other off, then you are going to notice it every time you walk into the house. You're going to be embarrassed to bring you up. I'm saying this is, we're definitely dealing with an aggressively sexual lycanthropic art situation. It's Taylor Lautner. He's man from the waist up, werewolf from the waist down, from the waist out, he is all boner, extending on the y-axis. Maybe you just one day when they're out, you redecorate and be like, oh, I thought this was the thing we were doing now. I'm just taking turns redecorating every couple months. Yeah. I thought it was my month to have up some shitty paintings. Sorry, Ginny. I didn't mean that. No offense. I didn't mean shitty, Ginny. Griffin, do you have a-

Maybe they are shitty paintings. Maybe that's her medium. It's human fecal matter. There's so many ways for this art to be bad art. Get out of here, bad art. I have a yahoo. This yahoo was sent in by Ateana Kuriana. Thank you, Ateana. It's by Yahoo Answers user Allison, who asks. Any good Facebook statuses? I know this sounds tacky, but I haven't updated my status in a while. And do any of you have any good statuses that will get a lot of likes? They have to be appropriate for a teenage girl because my mom gets on Facebook like every day. Any funny, meaningful, meaningless, or cool statuses? Stay tuned. All answers greatly appreciate it. Thank you. I don't want to live in this world anymore. That's what the status should be?

No. That's what the title of my autobiography is. Okay. Do you know that they just bumped up the Facebook status limit, the amount of characters you can use to 63,000? That's important. Sometimes people make fucking manifest. Sometimes people write novellas and post them on the Facebook. 63,000. And then they tag you in it and you're not in it till the end. Yeah. And you're at the whole dumb thing. I just ran about your whole fucking Christmas trip to Target. Thanks for wasting my entire life. Yeah. Why did you even tell everybody about that? Who has this much time? You know, when I last updated my status update, when I want people to know that I did something cool, that's the only time that you should ever update your status

or Twitter or anything. If you're doing something cooler than somebody else might be doing that exact second, that's when you tweet or you're making something good for dinner. Over half of my status updates just say, check out this thing I did. That's basically it. I made this. Did you need this thing? Okay. And as much as I hate people that are just like, I went to the store today, what I really hate is those ones that are like a, you know, a true friend will do this, but a dear friend and I'm just like, fuck you. You know, that's people that don't actually have friends. Can you give me an example of what you mean, Travis? Oh, you're gonna have to give me a second. I'd love an example too. I would love this. You're gonna have to give me a second. No,

no, no. I would love it just like straight off the dome, free stuff. I don't know. Oh, god, give me a second. So like a true friend will drive you to the airport, a dear friend will fly the plane. A good guy will get you flowers. The right guy will eat them for you. Eat these flowers. Prove you love me. Eat these rhododendrons. Prove your love and eat the rhododendrons. Eat them, David. Bite the rose. Bite the rose, David. Bite the rose, David. Um, guys. Gingerly? She needs a real knock them out of the park Facebook status update that's

gonna win her all kinds of awards. So basically what's gonna get her like the Nobel Peace Prize for Facebook status messages? Yeah, here, I'll give you an example. Dwight suggested another day, another food stamp. I don't understand, Dwight. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Give you a swipe. No, I can't because he didn't. Wouldn't it be nice if iPods could detect your mood and make a playlist for it? Oh, man, that's so now. That's so now and so hip. Kids care about that. No, they'll be terrifying. All about playlists and moods. When I fall down a flight of stairs, I'm not worried about if I'm hurt. I'm worried if anybody saw. Wow, I'm supposed to be good. Hey, that should be yourself. Yeah. Did you fucking snuff film videographer guy? How often

are you falling downstairs that you're thinking about this this much? Whenever I fall downstairs, I think I wish I could start falling down these stairs. I wish my legs worked better. I think I really got to put that light bulb back in. Damn these Crisco stairs. Wait a minute, what? What is the logic? They're made out of lard. They're made out of, they're stairs made from lard now. Well, not, I mean, not primarily, but that's just like the finishing coat. Oh my god. They put a coat, you wrote, you mean they pledge them, they use the pledge, and then they Crisco them. Then they lard them. Do you live in the home alone house? Is that what's happening? Damn you, Kevin. They tie some buckets of paint

on the thing. I slipped on these micro machines. I feel like a pretty good status update would be the wet band is right again. Would that be, I'm gonna make that my status update right now. I want my status update to be, you know, that old pigeon lady ain't so bad. What if our dreams are just blurred memories of our previous lives? What? These are all coming to us from Yahoo Answers user Los Pumas, who is really turned out about 60 of these. Okay. I would like to think that this is basically like the, the new guy who writes the music for jangles kind of thing, where he just sits and goes, okay, let me think. When I fall down the stairs, yeah, yeah, good start. Fall down the stairs. I hope no one's looking. Yes. I love it when Ron Weasley say bloody hell, smiley face.

Is that from the same guy? Yeah. Is he just copying all of his status messages? I think so. Dear parents, just because it's your house doesn't mean it's not my privacy. Sincerely, teens. Is this guy 45? Teens. Teens. Guess what? It does mean that. It means it. It means it all over. Teens. Teens. That's our new sign off for my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad's green lips is gone. Teens is in. Teens. Oh my God, there's websites that generate Facebook statuses for you. What? Nope. Teens. Now I have a virus. Teens. Now maybe, hey mom, get off my back. Yeah. Teens. And you gotta put, teens at the end is important. I think you gotta sign off all your Facebook

messages, the teens. Well, why don't you just put up some lyrics from your favorite My Chemical Romance jacket? My jacket, chemicals. My jacket of romance. My jacket of many colors. Um, I, I don't know, this used to be a consideration of mine when I was on live journal. What? Trying to think of things to say that people would enjoy. You know, I straight up no lie, remember being on live journal and putting so much thought into what emotion I was feeling at that moment. So I knew what smiley face to pick at the end of it. You're a terrible pile. You're a mess. You're both messes. I don't do that anymore. Now I just keep all of those emoticons locked up inside my heart. You'll never know. You'll never know what I'm feeling right now. People

are like, what are you feeling? I'm like, that's mine. That's mine. I feel quick, but shut it. It's my secret feeling. I always raise the Baptist. So if I don't know what emotions I'm feeling at any given moment, I don't see why everybody else gets to. I barely even have the words to tell people I'm happy. I stifle all that stuff and then later I turn them into jokes. I turn them into sandwiches. My heart is like a mine where I put the sadness and then out comes the chuckle bobbin. Oh, boy. Good show today, I think. It's going really well. Yeah, really, really crushing. Teens. Really? Teens. Christmas is coming. The goose is getting fast and I have presents for my boyfriend

and everyone in my family except my middle of sister. Wow. People are, guys, how's your Christmas shopping going? Are you like, are you? God's honest? Haven't even started. Nor I. Okay. I got that Amazon Prime. I could do that shit on the 23rd and Christmas would be saved. I'm thinking just making ass choice for everyone. Don't do that. I want shit. Make me an asterisk. Yeah. Teens. Teens. Go read it. My middle of sister, we aren't close and she's a listener, so I plan on an awkward holiday season. No. It says we aren't close and we don't spend time together more than once a month, so it's difficult for me to decide on my own what she might like or find useful.

I've asked her to list a few things she might like, but she hasn't offered any suggestions. What can I get my sister that she'll appreciate in case she doesn't tell me what she'd like in time to get it shipped by Christmas? That's from Christmas confounded in Carolina. You are you fucking kidding? You've consulted the three people who know your sister less than you. We don't know her. If you were about to get a gift, anyone could suggest it was like, this is safe for everyone and anyone would like this. It's so obvious that that is what you did. I got you some soap. Here's a slap chop. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you, I guess. I guess you were watching TV. Maybe get her up and saw it.

Maybe get her a webcam and say, I want the two of us to be better connected. Oh, Justin, slam dunk. I like that a lot. Maybe she didn't like her. So let's operate on that too also. You could get her a something of the month club membership. Like if she likes cheese or wine or something, chocolates. But see that once again, it's just such a generic gift that says like, hey, I didn't know what else to get you. Well, not if they know that like, like we got Sydney's dad a beer of the month club because he likes a beer. If it's something like they're a big coffee drinker and they're really into coffee and then

going with a gourmet coffee of the month club, you know, might be a great way to go. Yeah. Or if they're a raging alcoholic, get them, get them to the month club. They're getting to love it. You know, you, you, a lot of people have a coffee grinder that's not really good for them. Maybe get them a nice burr grinder. That's what you want and some fresh coffee from your local coffeeserie. What about, what's that sensey shit that you guys are always talking about? Sensey, man. Sensey is a great present, actually, because you get a warmer and you get some, some wafers. Right now I'm melting. What do I got in there? You're still on that, you're watching shit. Christmas Cottage.

No, no, no. It's the holidays. Griffin, please. It's the holidays. I'm sorry. I got, I got Christmas Cottage up in there and later I think I'm going to swap in Festival of Trees. Ooh. This is whatever you want. It's really nice. You could also get, get her some kind of decorative dagger. Okay. So you're saying let's go to the local Excalibur. Yep. And let's buy her maybe a Pewter Dragon statue with Fakie. It's just been a while since I mentioned sexual edge and business is really bad.

Oh God, no. Are we getting, are we getting that sensey money yet? Are we getting that sensey endorsement money? You guys know we got that Genesis Today hook. You know I got two big bags of Genesis Today swag here waiting for you. Oh good. Yeah. Oh, so it's, you've got it definitely. We've got the Genesis Today. We've got the Genesis Today gummies. You've got the clicky pins and the pins that like you can pull out the information sheet. No, no, no. These are all edible. We're talking about Omega 3 fatty acid vitamin C chewables. We're talking about a fucking super fruit immunity boosting gummies. We're talking about. So when you say you got bags though, do you mean you just have

like grocery bags full of pills? Two canvass, two Genesis Today branded canvas bags. It's filled with pills. It's full of health is what it is. Do you have anything in there that's like chock full of B12 another B, a sort of. I have a fucking, I have a fucking Acai chew with 2000 percent Acai daily value. Whoa. I just really need to set my kidneys free. You'll feel your brain. You know that's how to just get the powers. You'll feel all the tissues in your body, loosen and then tighten. Whoa. Where did that come from? It's the Acai. Can you just hand your sister like a $50 bill? I don't know you very well. So here's some money. Hey, you know what everybody likes? Money. Don't rate me. Starbucks gift card's always nice. No,

it's not. You get to go there, get a burr grinder. Here's the thing. The best thing you can do. So you asked your sister what she would like and you're waiting on a list back from her. Maybe ask around to other places, you know, ask your parents, ask, you know, your other siblings, like what are you getting her? And maybe you can do like a tandem gift where like they're getting her, you know, a new set of something. So you get a complimentary set of something. You know, but it's Christmas. And the point is that, you know, just get her something you think she would like and I'm sure it'll be great. But Travis, she doesn't know her very well. You didn't listen to the core conceit of this question. So then you have to go off of like your own judgment

and say like, I think she would like this because I would like it. Can you steal something from her and then return it? Get her something that's already in her house. She'll have doubles, but at least you'll know it's something she likes. Yeah, that's not a good idea. That's a stupid idea. Unless it's something that's awesome to have doubles of. Oh, right. Like a picture of two werewolves fucking. Or two lonely werewolves put the pictures next to each other, cut out the size of the frames, wait for the magic pictures, wait for the werewolf sex to happen, wait for the two werewolves to have sex in each other's paintings, wait for the Harry Potter magic painting crossover werewolf.

Fuck. Get her something really terrible and then you'll be given her the best gift you can give anyone, which is the right to complain about the shitty gift you got them all year. Yeah. And you'll be giving everyone else the present of knowing that their present to anyone else wasn't the worst thing. Yeah. Fall on the screen, ain't fair. Get them nothing. And then when she goes back and talks to the girls around the, at the steno pool, she could say, oh, and my younger sister, she's a real peach. Guess what? She got me did a big box of diddly squat. Yeah. Just give her an empty box. I mean, she opens it, say, you should have got me that list quicker, huh? Yeah. No, that's, that's, Christmas morning is

the perfect time to be vindictive. Yeah. Let's turn Christmas lesson into an object lesson. What about a box with a note in it that says, I wish I knew you better. That's the real gift is getting a little gift or gift certificate for one sister. Yeah. Or like 20 free phone calls. Yeah. Well, you'd have to go to her. You gotta, you gotta clarify. You're not like paying her long distance. That would get awkward. Don't get her anything. She should have been. Just don't show up to Christmas. Christmas is the time where when it started a long time ago, the, the, the wise men gave Jesus

those really nice gifts, even though he was a baby and he couldn't give them shit. Yeah. So nor can you do it? Like, what are you doing giving frankincense to a baby? Yeah. Babies eat that and it will kill them. It kills them instantly. The toxics to a baby. But what they were doing was they were making Jesus feel guilty from the very start. They wanted him to feel indebted to them. So he would, they didn't know how it was going to work with the cross and what all. So, but they did have a pretty epic payoff. I would say. So, well, he did, they didn't know how it was all going to work. So they thought, well, we want this guy in our pocket. You know, that's a scene that they usually cut out of that story where the wise men show

back up 33 years later and say like, Hey, remember when we gave you that stuff? Yeah, we're going to have to call in that favor. They all got together beforehand. They say, Darryl, I like this kid. Yeah. I want juice with this kid. It must have been tricky. Baby Jesus don't come with the rule book. You don't know how all that stuff operates. The heavenly salvation. Baby Jesus, baby Jesus is like the suit from Greatest American Hero. Nobody knew how it was going to go down. Yeah. But it happened. But it happened. But like the wise men, the reason they got him such nice gifts is so they could feel superior. Yeah. To Jesus for a little while and then he would be indebted to them and Jesus would feel guilty. I mean, he didn't have those emotions at the

beginning. He was just a baby, but he would feel guilty later about the nice gifts that he didn't return. Actually, is there any parallel we can draw between Jesus and the suit from Condor Man? I do not think so, Travis. I do not know what you're talking about is the problem for me. I can't get into a riff about where Travis explains the film Condor Man. I don't think it's a great fit for our show. Can I throw the car in a van? Can we talk about literally anything else? Okay. Sure, of course. God, Chris's gifts are the pits for people you don't know very well, huh? Yeah. It's just the worst. Why don't you give a preemptive gift, call her and say, you don't have to get me anything

and I'm not going to get you anything and let's just not worry about it because that would be the best gift anybody can get anybody else. Oh, just cancel it out. Yeah. Say like, listen, I don't like you. You don't like me. No gifts this year. Tell her that you bought her a goat through Heifer International and she's like, doesn't that usually come with this certificate? You'd be like, no, no, no, no, no. It's cool. It's a special goat. It's cool. Don't use that certificate overhead to donate to the family so they can have some porridge. And if all else fails, go on Thinky and get her something awesome. Okay, boom. And that's what Thinky exists for. It exists for like getting her some sweet-ass astronaut ice cream or something. Yeah. Everybody loves astronaut ice

cream. When they, when they 12. Good one. Good thing. You know what that hurts, Griffin. My new burn is, um, it's called when they 12. Yeah. I drop a riff on teens. Yeah. Teens. Teens. Preteens. Don't go trying to change. We just gave birth to this meme and you're trying to fucking chop it and screw it. It's not time for the week. In no way am I trying to chop my screws. If you want a show that is not like our show, that is, does not make terrible things like that happen with their mouths. Boy, have we got a recommendation for you. Hello there. My name is Graham Clark and I'm Dave Shumka. And together we host a podcast called

Stop Podcasting Yourself. This is a file that you download from the internet and then you listen to it in your pod. What's that about you ask? Well, who are you to ask? Who do you think you are? Yeah, get lost, bozo. We're a couple of stand-up comedians in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada and every week we bring a guest on the show. Sometimes they're Canadian, sometimes they're not, sometimes they're a ghost. It's like you're sitting in on a friendly, uh, afternoon chat. Plus we're Canadian, so you get a tax break. You can find us on iTunes or online at maximumfun.org. Celebrities. Who needs them? Who needs them? We do. Yes. I am so excited about this celebrity. Yeah, this is a really big one for us. We asked our, every week we start the show off

with the hit song It's a Departure from the Long Winters and we know that so many of you have gotten into the Long Winters as a result of, well, us, our personal influence. You're welcome. You're welcome. But this week we actually have a celebrity question from Mr. John Roderick of the Long Winters. Hello, my brother, my brother and me brothers. This is John Roderick calling and my question for you is I want to learn to be an eBay retailer. I have a lot of junk that I've, um, collected because I'm a collector and now I'm looking around my house and I'm realizing that I'm not I've crossed the line from being a collector to being a crazy person in a house full of crap.

And so what better way to unload the crap than to go on eBay, but I can't stand being on eBay whenever I'm there. It just confuses me and it doesn't fill me with delight like being in a room full of crap does. So what I'm trying to do is transition from being a crazy person in a room full of crap to a wealthy person in an empty room. And I think eBay might be the way, but I don't have the first idea how to begin. So any suggestion or advice for me? Thanks so much, homies. Thank you, John Roderick for that question. You have gotten to us just in time because you were about to make a terrible, terrible mistake. You almost did it. Almost made a mistake. So close. Here's the thing. No one puts you on TV

for reasonably getting rid of your stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad. I'm glad we're on the same page here, Justin. Yeah, you got to lean into it. You know that promo, you know that that digital ink, that TV ink of getting on the hit show Hoarders is going to be great for your band. It's going to be great for your image. Well, not only one paper coverage, one second. I'm not exactly sure it'll be great for your image. Not sure what the fuck. People kept people talked about that fucker from the Libertines for like two years just because he had such a terrible drug addiction. You don't think people are going to chat up the lead singer of a hit indie rock band who was also a hoarder? I feel like Hoarders is like just a hair's breadth separated from MTV Cribs.

I may be. It's just like MTV Cribs if they just had a bunch of shit around them. But oh my God, it's that hair important. Oh my God. Nobody's going to want to be the guy who's like people come up to on the street and say, hey, I saw you on Hoarders. Your house looks like fucking Scrooge McDuck's vault if Scrooge McDuck were a homeless person. But your albums are great. Your albums are great is the thing. Your albums are so cool. Hey, think about it. You never see the headline in the paper hit indie rocker killed by a mountain of air. It's got to be old newspaper or shoeboxes filled with toenail clippings. Pile of 45 gramophones, topples on.

The number one thing is you can't, and this is the mistake that so many Hoarders make, which by the way, we are definitely, definitely leaning towards you becoming a Hoarder. You can't go organic. You got to keep the organics out of it because then you're a dirty, dirty, dirty, shameful. Then you've got a compost home and nobody wants it. Right. Nobody wants that. You're fine. Find decomposed cats and old containers of the yogurt. It's terrible. Do you think that there is a style of hoarding you could do that would actually be awesome? Like I hoard old Nintendo power magazine. Oh my God. Yes. Yeah. But what he's saying, I think, is that like that does make you a collector.

What he's saying is that if you collect enough things, you're a hoarder. Well, doesn't that just mean it's time to move into a bigger house? No. You're saying it's all relative. You're saying if you have 20,000 square feet and you fill it with a thousand square feet of old newspaper clippings and coupons from the 1970s, you're no longer a hoarder. You are just an eccentric person with a large house. Exactly. And this is my room for Perfect Strangers memorabilia. Then you're not a weirdo, but if you're like, this is my house, which is Florida ceiling covered with Perfect Strangers memorabilia, you've got a problem. Now you've stumbled onto a hit new idea. We like to call

a museum. You're creating more problems. Then you got overhead. You have to get special tax classification. Oh, what about this? Oh, when someone's like, you're a hoarder, say, no, no, no, I'm working on an art installation. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of hard. I think we're being a little myopic by just focusing on hoarders. I feel like there's other reality TV shows that we can use to help John get rid of his stuff and make some money off of it. Like, I'm thinking, there's the triumvirate, right? You got pond stars. Drop that shit on them. They'll give you Mad Skrilla. That is their catchphrase. You got fucking, you got American Pickers. Call up the American Pickers guys. They'll just swoop in and give you fair trade for your stuff. And of course,

hail Billy Handfishing. There's fucking storage wars. You got storage wars. Just put all your shit in a storage unit and then go to Lincoln on the payments and then it's gone. You don't get any money for it, but your stuff gets on TV and you get to watch your memories picked over by heartless, heartless men. And you could go on LA Inc. and get tattoos of all the stuff you have. You could go on Real Housewives and marry a sweet, beautiful woman. Think about that, John. You could be the one guy with the beard who was a hoarder and married the one from Sweet Housewives of Atlanta. And then was on Ace of Cakes. He was on Ace of Cakes. We wanted to celebrate. You decided to be a hoarder. I want a cake that's just covered in shit. Sweet Housewives of Biloxi this week.

It was great. Those sweet, sweet women married John Roderick. All of them. All of them. And then they were on Sister Wives. Did you see Sister Wives this week? Cody, he's out. Did you see the Sister Wives? Cody's out. John Roderick's in. He just, he just swooped in. It was the world's biggest divorce. It was the quickening. He just swooped in and he got a bunch of wives and like 35 kids. Oh, he's hoarding kids. He's hoarding kids. Florida Sealing. My house is Florida Sealing covered with kids. Spawn everywhere. Now listen, now listen, John. If you want to put kids on eBay, let's go fast. We're going to talk about this. I know a guy. Let's talk to my guy, Rico. If you have to use eBay, the trick is as somebody who used eBay

once to, I think I bought a DVD and then the second time was I sold some Pokemon cards and they asked me to pay a fee for selling shit. And I was like, no. And I got banned from eBay forever. But you got to make it seem like a place, your space, your sales space has to seem like a place where it seems like you're not trying to fuck the user right through their pants. You got to make it seem like a safe space for them. Like you are actually going to give them the things that they want. And you know what? Why not use your name on there? People can get, think, you're not selling old newspaper clippings. You're selling rock memorabilia. Right. It's all rock memorabilia. Whatever you do, be careful that if you take a picture of something that is shiny and reflective,

that you are dressed in that reflection or not. You don't want to become an everybody's into something different. Hey, is that a picture of a werewolf in the background? What is it doing to him? I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take that one and its brother next door. Hey, I'm a 25 year old male at work. I share a small office with two lovely young ladies about my age, both of whom are close friends of mine that I adore, but the amount of girl talk and estrogen in the room can quickly become overwhelming. Unfortunately, there aren't really any dudes at work that I can nerd out with. I need a dude outlet. What can I do to get the old testosterone pumping at work? That's from Smothered in the South.

Okay, here's, this is where I'm going to completely go outside of what you asked and say that basically this would be like if in World War II, an American soldier was like, I'm stuck with all these Germans all day listening to all their plans and secrets. You are behind enemy lines collecting information. For the rest of us. Yes. Find out what they're talking about and what is going on in there. Did you guys even know that they have a thing called a brood pouch? This is all new information. Do you know where the brood pouch is? Now, it's also possible that the women are feeding you misinformation, which is actually one of their names. The jelly that I've been producing from my brood pouch

has been really opaque lately. I'm worried. Oh, Travis, don't get it. It's a natural, beautiful part of life. The brood pouch is beautiful, natural. Now, for actual helpful information, is it possible that there's like a crossover thing where like you can talk? No, no, there's nothing that both men and women like at the same time. Don't be ridiculous. Oh, wait, there's a billion things. Top chef for one. Just a big one of the things. Just a big one of the hundred trillion things that there are that men and women like together. And if I'm correct, a trillion is a trillion trillion, if I'm not mistaken. All the trillions that there could possibly be. It's a number only girls know about. So you can't talk about sports.

Ladies like sports too sometimes. Maybe it's how about how about top chef? Just talk about top chef that can last you like an entire day's worth of conversation. Like I like how about like any movies ever? Movies are good. Well, not any movie. Yeah. Some movies girls aren't allowed to see and vice versa. That's true. I've been trying to see fried green tomatoes for 15 years now. I would love to see love actually, but I can't get my passport cleared. I'm imagining Sally Field just runs in is like, no, slaps it out of you. Excuse me, ladies. I hate to interrupt our conversation, but I believe a boy has entered the room where we are. Our film is airing. It's very like she breaks the fourth wall like Zach Morris. Time out. Time out. This is basic who may or may not be in

this film. Calm down, woman from Jurassic Park. Ladies, just so you know, Jurassic Park is a movie with dinosaurs and Laura Dern in it. Sorry, ladies. I didn't. I wish you could see it. I wish you guys could see it. I feel like it would really bridge a lot of gaps. Let's tear down these walls, huh? Sort of like what I imagine the Hustella got her groove back. I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know. I'm guessing, but I'm hoping that whatever comes after Blu-ray has a feature where if you're watching fried green tomatoes and a man walks into the room just like happy bait, just like looks into the camera and like just stops talking

mid-sentence. He's here. Pretend your palace. A fee. Five. Four. Four. Wait. Travis. Someone make me some buffalo wings. Don't be mean to Kathy Bates. She doesn't mean it. She's doing her best out there. Her show just got canceled. Oh, misery. Do you guys want a Yahoo answer? I would like that very much. This one was sent in by Gali Ayali. Thank you, Gali. It's by Yahoo Answers user Eugwigwigwig. This is a bunch of E's and W's and G's who asks. When a girl wears flip flops, why do I stare at her feet so I can get a glimpse of her soles? What? Is he easy? When a girl wears flip flops, why do I stare at her feet so I can get a glimpse of her soles?

It's almost like he answers the question in the question a little bit, but he just doesn't understand why he's able to answer it. Why is it that when a woman wears a flip flops, I'm such a dirty foot bird. Yeah. What? A dirty bird. A dirty foot bird. Travis is really, really on a Kathy Bates kick right now. He's doing his impression of her from the film, the hit film, Misery. Is Kathy Bates a dirty foot bird in Misery? Yeah. She's a real nasty. That's why she, yeah. It's, is this person just now coming to terms with the fact that he's a dirty birdie? I don't know. He's a real dirty Gus. Here's the thing. There are so many things in this world that, you know, I'm not necessarily into, but I don't judge other people for it.

I don't get the foot thing. Like at all. I mean, I mean, do you want me to just show my hand right now? You want me to play show my cards? Just lay them on. Oh, yeah. Frey, Griffin. Yeah, show your cards, I guess, or something. Something about a delicate arch. Oh, well, okay, let's not talk. No, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. No, no, shut, shut, shut, listen, listen, listen, listen. Okay, okay, okay. The line between heel and ball, that delicate arch. Okay. Okay. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know, wait, what about those toesies? No, okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop. Wait. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you don't actually have a thing. That soft padding on there. No, you're just getting quieter

and that's making it worse. It's making it much worse for me personally. All right, so the quiet, you don't, how about that arch? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No. Now you sound like one of the kings of comedy. And I don't, I don't appreciate that. I'm not on my show. Do you think this guy actually does not know why he's doing these things? Or do you think he does know and he just wants to tell the internet about it? Maybe he just feels like he's like possessed by a foot demon or something. That's possible. There is what, there was that dirt. Well, that's what it is. I am pot tracks, king of feet, pot tracks, king of feet. Have you heard that new pot tracks? My brother, my brother and me? It's like a podcast, but

it's got lots of feet. Is there any way we can get around this man having a fetish? Is it, is it, maybe he just wants to be a podiatrist? Maybe he's got a secret podiatry. No, maybe he is a podiatrist. He's very forgetful. Maybe all podiatrists are nasty, nasty dirty birds. I just, I think he's got a double fetish. Like a lot of these yahoo answers people, it's not just that he's in the feet. You can be into whatever you're into, but by definition, you keep it locked away in your heart and never tell anyone. But these people have a double fetish where they have to be into something that is outside the mainstream and they have to tell people about it. So you're saying he's in the feet and he has like his other fetishers telling

people about it? Exactly. That he's in the feet. I, as somebody who works on the internet and is seeing the worst that it absolutely has to offer, I'm going to go ahead and say that a foot fetish is not outside the mainstream. I'm going to say a foot fetish is actually pretty milk toast at this point. No, but here, but here's, okay, I can grade. If you're saying, if your thing is cut off feet fetish, I only like feet once they're not on the rest of the body. It's the only thing. I'm into half foot fetish. Yeah, right. This is what bothers me more. Do you know when you get caught like checking out a girl's butt or something? No. Imagine if you got caught checking out her feet. No, because you can bite that off. You can be like, I like your shoes.

You like your delicate arch. I like that delicate arch. But I think in that circumstance, everyone knows what's up. It's like, were you just peeping my toes? No. Why are you looking at girl's butt straps? Travis. You're a dirty guy. Treat him like a lady. Because I'm a podiatrist. Podiatrists, of course, are notoriously nasty. Well, I was going to say I was a butterist, but that's not a thing. No, it is not. Unless you work at a bakery. It's a high and rising job. We have to end this show. Well, hold on. There's one last thing we have to do. If we have time, do we have time? I think we have time. No, we don't. We really don't. Well, here's the thing. Don't time. Do you seriously not have time? Do we have time?

We got all month. Can we make it quick? But here's the thing is that it's the first show in the month of December. And if we don't do it, then people aren't going to know that it's Bingo's birthday month. Oh. What? People aren't going to know that it's Operation Santa Paws. Excuse me? Do you know what I mean? Like, if we don't... Is that P-A-W-S or P-A-U-S-E? If people don't know that it's National Drunk and Drunk Driving 3D Prevention Month, then like, how are they going to know not to do whatever that thing means not to do to it? What is National 3D Drunk and Drunk Driving Prevention? It's like the drunk guy's coming right at me. Let's explore this. Okay, National Drunk and Drunk Driving 3D Prevention Month.

You have to have some other background. Are the 3Ds drunk, drugged, and driving? Yeah. I feel like you can't say the three words that it is or then say the thing after it. Possibly, the two concepts are completely unrelated. So it's like, hey, don't go see Avatar, but if you absolutely have to, don't be drunk in the car when you go to do it. Get drunk there. Get drunk. Hey, Hugo, cut it out. This is another one that we could do. Our country is plagued with 3D movies that are also full of drunk and drug drivers. Yeah. Yeah, like Drive Angry, do you see that? Yeah. Drinking Jack Daniels the whole time. Flying through the screen. Reckless Abandon. Man, Smurfs? Smurfs was family fun. I can't follow you down there. I mean,

fun for the whole family. It was. You're right, Justin. It was like watching two whole families get hit by a truck that was driven by a drunk driver in 3D. We got to prevent it from happening. Neil, Patrick Harris, what are you doing, Neil? You're better than that. Neil? Better than that. I loved you in that movie about Cheech and Chong. Yeah, so good. You mean Cheech and Chong today? Cheech and Chong now. Cheech and Chong back up in smoke, 3D Neil Patrick Harris. I mean, is there a warning about drunk drug and driving that we can dispense our people? Obviously, don't drink and drive, you goof, but like, and don't drug and drive. Here's the thing, at this point in the course of humanity, who doesn't know not to do that? Yeah.

Like, who said they're going, oh, that's a bad thing to do? Like, I think we're past the point of awareness now to like, just trying to stamp out forgetfulness. Yeah. If someone hands you some fucking a big dime bag of drug sauce and a fucking copy of Spy Kids 4D, you got to slap both out of their hands and you got to say. Now, Griffin, I got to stop you there. Okay, sorry. This doesn't say anything about 4D. The fourth dimension is smell. Yeah. Right, technically speaking, you don't want. Yeah, at this point, you're just, you're just piling on guilt because people know they're not supposed to drunk drive and you know what I don't need when I'm trying to drive drunk? What's that? Guilt to distraction. I need total focus. I need complete

focus and I don't need the echo of some nagging that I got about it to be reverberating around my mind. I already feel super bad because I'm super drunk. Yeah. Like, I am in a bad place. I just think, I just think National Drunk and Drug Driving 3D Prevention Month, I think that you, I think it's wrong to try and piggyback your own issues onto drunk driving. Like, you can't be like, it's National Drunk Driving and No Gay Marriage Prevention Month. Like, you can't, you can't, you can't be like, yeah boo. Wait, wait, what was the other thing? Wait, what did you say? Did you slip in? Yeah. We are mothers against drunk driving. And gays. Gay people. Wait, hold on. Boo. Don't drink and drive. Did you say mothers, did you say mothers against drunk driving and

four clubbing seals? Like, what kind of organization is that? Your acronym is WAC. It's mad. Mad. Coups. Mad acts. Hey, I want to hear Griffin's last question. But first, super quick housekeeping stuff. We are doing a live performance of this very show, not this one. It won't be a stage reading of this. It'll be another episode of this on December 11th at the Blue Theater in Austin. You can get tickets. You can look at our Twitter feed for the link. You can go to mbmbam.com and there's something there, right Tudo? Maybe. Maybe. You just got to poke around. You got to know that the theater is behind. Yes, there is. If you go to it. It's behind another building. You got to keep an eye out for it. It's giant and it's blue. But you got to look. You're going to drive into a

lot and you're going to think this isn't it. Then you'll see a big blue building and that's when you'll know. Just park anywhere and come inside. We sold out of our nine o'clock show. We have less than 30 tickets left for our 7 p.m. show. If you go to mbmbam.com, you can find the link there. We expect that, I mean, with any luck, we'll sell all those tickets before the show launches. The 7 and 9 o'clock shows will be completely different. If you want to come to both, we'd love to have you. I think everybody's gotten a chance to get tickets who wants them, so you won't be edging anybody out. Kind of the same MMO as past live shows. If you're going to be at the show and you'd like to have a question answered, make sure that when you email the question,

let us know that you're going to be at the live show and which one you're going to be at, whether you're going to be at the 7 or the 9 o'clock show. Yeah, please do that. This is the first time we've ever tried to do two shows in one day, so we are going to need as much content. Same for you, who answers two. If you can just send in a bunch of those this week, I would be eternally grateful. If you live in Austin and can think of a bar that we could basically occupy after both shows and hang out for a bit, let me know. He means after the 9 o'clock show. After both shows are over. Yeah, like 10.30 or something like that. And 7 o'clock people will expect you to come back out and hang out. Yeah, so just sit outside the

theater and wait for us for a while. We'll pick up a ticket for the 9 o'clock. They're going to be completely different. Somebody has something going to be the same, and if we could fucking manage that, that would be awesome. Your second show will be the first show, but backwards. We'll just have to cut out all of our references to the time that we read into the first show. Also, we're going to have our posters with us, so make sure you bring some cash money if you'd like to pick up one of those. Would it 10? Yeah, bring 10 bucks so they get it. Make sure you get it signed if you are interested in that sort of thing. And also, I shaved my mustache. I know I said I was going to keep it for the live show, but it was too gross. I have a giant beard. The

biggest beard. Travis is going to go full grizzly at him, so I'm looking at a fucking Joseph Gordon Leavitt situation over here. Smooth, smooth things. As always, thank you to John Rodger for the long winters for both his question this week and for letting us use his music. And thank you for people talking about our show on Twitter using the NBNBAM hashtag. I should play me, Babylonian, doing a lot there. Our dear friend Ashna Basu from New Zealand was wondering if we would be returning this week. DM Zilla, as always, complimenting our good friend Bob Ball, nerdy show. We helped to make their 16-hour drive survivable this week. Viva La Betty, everybody. We really appreciate it. Thanks, everybody. I can't wait to see you guys next week. It's going to be so great.

Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. So, yeah. Griffin, hit it. This final question is sent by Golly A. Olly. Thanks, Golly. It's by Yahoo Answers User, the hot dog bun who asks, Bobby Vernier ate my French bread pizza and I am still angry? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Teens.