My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 83: Face 2 Face 3: Tokyo Drift

Episode Date: December 13, 2011

We're live in Austin for the first part of our two-show comedy extravaganza. As it turns out, everything is bigger in Texas, and boy, does that include shame. Come, listen to our ill-conceived goofs and monkeyshines.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. Hello. Hi everybody. Welcome. Welcome to my brother, my brother and me and advice show for the modern era. I am your oldest brother, Justin McElroy and Travis. I can't

believe you went with the walking thing. We said, we said the elves, right? I'm walking, buddy. Okay. We said that we were doing elves and ho-hos. Griffin. Okay. Oh, sorry. I'm Griffin McElroy. You're the youngest brother. It's not timely. It's not appropriate. 2011. Okay. And the other thing is, I don't think you know who walking Phoenix is. I think you just

had a big beard and you were on the plane and you're like, do you know anything other than his visage? Can you give me some deets? It's like he doesn't have an accent, whatever accent that is. Why are you so hard on walking, buddy? Okay. Can you just put on your god damn hat? Yes. Put on your Christmas hat. Did you focus group that goof out before you brought it to the show?

No, I did not. Did you focus test the goof? You got to run the goofs by us. I didn't. So this is an advice show for the mo- I need a beer. What's up? This is an advice show for the modern era. We're going to get to the advice in just a second, but first, some lady in this audience has a secret about these two. Yes. It's true. She knows who she is.

She is probably too ashamed to admit it. When I get nervous pre-show, and I always do, I got to make peeps. And sometimes I have to use the one closest to the green room, which in this case was the ladies room. We didn't want to, I guess, ruin the magic of the show by exposing ourselves to the audience. There were two stalls in there. Travis and I agreed on peep procedure. We both went in, went in both stalls. There she is. There she is.

I'm sorry. Okay. Normally I want to apologize, but you did not follow a bathroom procedure. You didn't take all the handle, didn't knock on the door. She didn't expect there to be two dudes. You always had to expect two dudes. You always expect two dudes in a bathroom. This is a classy show.

She didn't, she didn't have to expect two dudes hanging out, crossing the streams. They were separate. No, they were two different. They were separate stalls. We are- Cross the stream. They were separate stalls. We did pause in the middle and switch stalls.

But that's just so we could get the full experience. And I giggled in the middle of the act, like, because it was so ridiculous to do it. And I high-fived as we were passing. That part's not true. I definitely giggled, though, and I couldn't just- Was I giggling when you came in? Because that would-

God, God, damn it. I don't think it's rid of the pre-show jitters, like supreme embarrassment. Yeah. That's a deep shame. God, damn it. No, my dad reads those. The jig is up. Oh, man.

So, hey, we're going to get to the advice right now. Is Greg here? Yeah, boy. Okay. Greg. Holy shit. Greg is pumped. Oh, no, that's not Greg.

He's just a huge Greg fan. He didn't come to Austin for us. He came for Greg. Greg says, I need a gift for my wife. She is finishing up vet school this year, and has only asked me for boring veterinary handbooks and the like. I want to get her to hear something fun and exciting, i.e., not a textbook, on how to cut up horses.

Do you have any suggestions? Sounds like good reading to me. Yeah. First off, there's an audiobook about how to cut up horses. It's called My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's pretty much all we talk about. Is your wife here? No.

Okay, good. Does she listen to the show? No. Okay, good. We had worked out some goofs about how you were messing up by asking in front of her. Yeah, you're bad at presents, but you're actually pretty good.

Yeah, you're basically... Did you stop her from coming so she wouldn't find out what you were getting her? Classic Greg. He's right. Classic Greg. That's what the fans come to see. Classic Greg.

Classic Greg. Classic Greg play. So, boys, gifts? Okay, so we've ruled out books about cutting up horses. So, like, anything else? Yeah, what else is there? The whole world of other things. Yeah, a cup.

A cup isn't a bad thing. Or a cup. No, damn it. Damn it. Okay, what about... Let me hit you guys with this. Okay. What about a pet?

A pet, she could... Would be like a practice dog. Like, you could... Oh, this is my dog, Ginny Pig. That dog? Yeah, this is my dog, Ginny Pig, or a Ginny Pig, Ginny Pig, and you test out...

Or a Ginny Pig dog. Why are the dogs' legs on its back now? Exactly. Exactly, there's like a new... You made an upside-down dog. Right, there's a Franken-Dog. A Franken-Upside-Down Dog. Wait, how did these go from her being a veterinarian

to like, creating animal atrocities? Have you ever read The Island of Dr. Moreau? Yeah. I haven't, but I'm about to reference it. He basically just turns dogs upside-down, that whole book. How is that different from just turning a dog upside-down? Because his face is right side up. You know, you could also...

The dog could be a really powerful bargaining chip. You know, you could say to her, this is your dog and you love it, but if you mess up, I'm going to kill it. That you're... Is she messes up in veterinary school? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If she...

Or she messes up in general. Burn the roast. Get out of... No, no, no. That's just called an abusive husband. What I'm saying to you is that you have a sign at her vet place... clinic.

I think... What? Her meat locker or she works on the pets? Okay. Now, her pet... Her pet... Pet shop. At her littlest pet shop.

At her littlest pet shop clinic. And you say, if we... This is our guarantee to you, our pledge. If we kill your dog, we'll kill our dog. Or they can kill our dog. This is a dog for dog guarantee. Yeah. You can kill our dog while we watch in horror.

We'll make our kids do it. How much to kill that puppy in the window? I am now looking to see if there are any kids in the audience because that's horrifying. I think you just said. Any kids? Good. No. No kids?

Cool. Cool. But a Yahoo answer. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good. Thanks. Yeah.

Yelling. This one was... Are you Yahoo representatives again? This one was sent in by Nefariousity. Thank you, Nefariousity. It's by Yahoo answers user... Who asks... Is it possible for internet radiations

to cause somebody stretch marks? I think they are causing me. But I love internet and computer. It helps me so much. But each time I am doing it, there is some tingling sensation. And then I notice at that place, a stretch mark appearing.

If I tell my family members... If I tell my family members, they think I am being stupid. Is it possible? Really? Do you think it's instantaneous? Like they feel a tingle, and like they lift up their shirt

and watch the stretch mark appear? Yeah. I think it's Google.com, Enter, and then they are doubled over in time. Yeah. And then also the net moda appears. Trademark. TM.

Don't even try. Are there possibly... And I'm just... I'm going out on a limb here. Are there maybe some behaviors that you have adopted? In addition to internet and computer time, like is internet and computer time

also sandwich time? Because that might... If you sandwich while you internet, you may get stretch marks down there from the sandwich though, not from the internet. Is internet radiation a real thing? Is what I'm too afraid to ask.

That's the question. That's... Yeah, that's the secret that's holding the stars apart right now is, is there a... A radio... I mean, obviously there is, right? Yeah.

That's what the 1% has been using to control us, but... I do enjoy though that this person has convinced himself that A, internet radiation is the thing. Uh-huh. B, acceptable risk. Uh-huh. C...

Uh-huh. C... They don't know it's properties. They're still out on the fucking forefront of internet radiation research. They don't know if it's causing stretch marks. They don't know what it's doing, but they do know...

They do know it's worth... Whatever the help it's provided them is definitely worth the risk. Hey, if a stretch worker appears in the day, they'll say, there's nothing good happening. This radiation's not like... I mean, how many stretch marks until you stop?

Right. Well, I think it's... I think it's beautiful that this person thinks that the stretch marks may be caused by the internet and yet they're willing to use the internet one more time. Just what?

One last chance, internet. One last chance to solve this problem for me. Turn to... To... And Yahoo is the source they talk to. Not fucking, like, belly-stretching. Like, yeah, Google, maybe? Try that.

A real doctor's phone number? You can maybe Google that? Yeah. Skype that out, maybe? Yeah. Uh, I do... I think it's a testament to their family, though. At least they have a supportive...

Well, not a supportive, but... No, their family said they were stupid. Hey, you're stupid. Like, you're stupid. Hey, you're like twice as tall as you once were because of stretch marks. Is that how that... What happened?

I guess they can't say internet. No. No. Third world internet doesn't give you stretch marks. No, that's true. Here in America, we have the filter stuff. It's not as fast, though. Hey, I have another...

The question here says I'm... What's your name? We've got a whole list here. Hey, MBMBAM. Hey. Hey. What up? Hey.

My wife has joined a roller derby league and is in the... Fun. Yeah, it's good times. And is in the training period where they learn how to kick the shit out of their opponents. At the end of this three-month program, she'll need a derby name that is both clever and tough sounding.

Her name is Emily and she is small, but fast on her skates. Do you have any suggestions? Emily's small, fast. Emily, skates go. Skates, tiny skates. Tiny blur. Skate murders people.

I don't like that. No, no. Skate or Emily. That's not very good. Skate better, Emily. Practice. Practice, hard worker. I don't think we're good at this.

I don't think we are either. We have many talents. This is not one of them. Some friends of ours have discussed this because we have friends in the roller derby community. More of a family, really. And the best name the week cooked up was Angela Lansfury, which I like.

I like that. Yeah. Is she very old? This girl? Yes, that would be good. My elderly wife, Emily, is participating in roller skates. She is fast and small and solves mysteries sometimes. Actually, a lot of people don't know this.

When a roller derby player turns 50, they throw him into the tar pit like on dinosaurs. That was the most obscure fucking reference that we've ever done on this whole show. Hey, I'm the baby, gotta love me. I guess. Don't you fucking groan. If you got it, you laugh.

You paid Tim Dollars to be here. Why is it a little chuckle while the sun's shining? What did Juno use in that movie about? What did Juno use in that movie? Roll it? Roll it? Roll fast. Roller.

Roll fast. Roller girls. I don't know what she did. I didn't, I missed that. Directed by the incomparable auteur Drew Barrymore. Sure. You could be Drew Scarymore. I like that a lot.

Helen Rage. God damn it, I was just about to say Helen Rage. That's it. That's it. That's it though. Helen, but then it just sounds like you're saying Helen, which is also in Lady's name. What about Helen?

I was saying Helen with two Ls. Oh, it's like Helen Keller. No, wait. That's not good. She's from Austin. Miracle worker. Okay. No.

Is she from Austin, though? I don't know. Neither does she. Oh no. There it is, folks. Put the kids to bed. Put the kids to bed at 7.30. The kids are deeply offended by Helen Keller's notes.

Shut the front, but too easy. How about a yahoo? Yeah. This one was sent in by Golly A. Yolly. Thank you, Golly A. Yolly. It's by, oh, this one's gross. This one's by a yahoo answers. These are Serg J. Who asks,

What would you do if you catch your husband pooping in the backyard? Additional information. I did. I don't know if I'm in troubles. So wait. Is this question being asked by the catcher or the catcher? Catchy. I don't know.

Husband or wife. Am I in troubles? I got busted. What would you do? You'd be totally cool, right? If you were married to a person who thought it was okay to just poop in the backyard, you would also be in troubles. You would be legally bound.

You would, you would share taxes with troubles. I mean, you said for better or for worse. And this is basically like the worst. Yeah. Do it. Doing dirty in the hydrangeas is about as worse as it gets. Doing dirty. In the koi pond, Steve.

It's steaming. Really? In the koi pond. Koi pond is the worst, but the kois hate that. I imported those from Japan. You divorce, you divorce them. Right? I mean, you divorce them?

You leave him instantly. You rub his nose in it? I guess. Definitely an option. Just bap him on the schnoz with a rolled up newspaper. Steven. Steven. Shake that no-no can at him.

Someone responded, I think I would be really shocked. I think I'd be totally cash about it. Oh, Jim. I would try to be cool. It wouldn't make me mad, but I would question a sanity. It wouldn't make you mad. I'm not mad, Steven. I'm just disappointed.

How many times do we have to have this talk? I'd say disappointed would probably, I mean, yeah. Jesus. Mason. Troubles. Somebody said start serving his meals outside too. You want to be a dog? I'll treat you like one.

Look at a human sanity. This is the way we should treat the mentally disabled in our country, right? All right. Well, this is what we're going with. You want poo outside, you eat outside, you sleep outside. Yeah. Problem solved.

He just has a dog fetish. Maybe he saw that hilarious Tim Allen vehicle. Dog fetish. Dog fetish, the movie. Tim Allen, road dogs. And I forgot what I was talking about. Shaggy dog? I missed road dogs.

Shaggy D.A.? Is it just about Tim Allen wanting to fuck dogs? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I haven't seen it, but I haven't seen it, but I assume that it is about, what? Husbands don't do that. Hey. How about no one showing humanity?

It's not like if you're a bachelor, swinging single, pooping your backyard all you want. Is it possible that she doesn't specify did she maybe marry a dog? Ah. Then the husband, Marmaduke, keeps pooping in the backyard. And sitting on that couch like a person. He thinks he's people. He always stales the newspaper.

And then he poops in the backyard. Don't get me started on that mail, man. I would prefer to think that this is asked by the guy who got busted. Oh yeah, I think so too. And dogs aren't allowed to use the internet. And the old battle axe came down on me real hard. The old ball and chain. Everybody, the old ball and chain did this week.

I was just trying to poop in the backyard like a grown man. I just wanted two minutes of quiet. Just the only place I could get any peace in that house is outside next to my shed in my special spot. As somebody who was very recently shamed for using the restroom, I do sort of feel for this man. I feel his pain. I don't think my crime was quite as intense as his.

Right. It was. I mean, it was in public. It was around people. Yes, that's true. How was his not in public? He was in the backyard. I mean,

He was in like the backyard of Walmart. Oh, if you had like a really high fence. Did it cool? If you're going to do that, that thing, there's exactly one by one foot square where it is not in public. If you bought a house with a room in it specifically for that thing to be done in it. Right. You don't see me storing my cigars in a room other than my cigar storage room.

You're a humidor. I'm a humidor. Hey, uh, is Lonesome and the Lone Star State here? Hey, how's it going? Lonesome. Hey, you sound too friendly to be lonesome. Hey, over the past few years, Lonesome and the Lones star state asked, no fewer than five of my very dear friends have all moved to the same Midwestern city.

I've visited a lot. Really like it. But my boyfriend is a little more hesitant to pack his bags and move away. How could I convince him that this is the right move? He's becoming more receptive, but I still got a ways to go. I know personally, I don't know why anybody would want to live anywhere other than Austin. Don't, don't give it up. Shinerbock.

Alamo. It's not, it's not in this one. Draft house. Yeah. Alamo draft house. That's what I'm at. Is your boyfriend here and sitting somewhere other than with you? What?

It depends. It depends entirely on the Midwestern city, right? Like if it's Chicago, then that would probably be an easy sell. But if it's like Poo Poo Psy, Missouri, I went to Chicago, you couldn't pay me enough to go back there. Do you know how cold it was? I waited for a train for 10 minutes. Are any of you here from Chicago?

Cool, go on. Cool. Fuck that. Fuck that place. That place is great. No, if you're listening on the internet later, I'm just kidding. If you could see me this whole time, I've been winking, right? Audience.

At winking, they vouch for it. You're saying no fewer than five. Is there more and you're just not sure that you've lost out? You got up to five and then you just stopped. I see what you're saying. You don't know the metric for... People that used to buy sensei from you, you just want to be closer to your target demo. You know, what about a treasure map?

He might not even know where he's going. And then all of a sudden, he follows the clues, legend of curl is gold. A million paces to the north. Yeah. Walk, walk until cold. You have arrived. Are you bored? You are there.

Empty warehouse district marks the spot. See an abandoned train station. Or our friend. Congratulations, Midwest. If you see our friend, Darlene, you have gone far enough. She will be waiting for you. And look, there's me in a U-Haul. Surprise.

Surprise, you moved. It's all your shit. No, don't do it. Don't do it that way. It's a lot harder to dole these out and feel consequence free about it when they're actually here and the repercussions are so terrifyingly real. We're just kidnap them. Kidnap them.

Whatever. Yeah. Drug him. Drug him. Don't. No, don't. Don't do that. Yeah, this is really much harder than I thought it would be.

You got to get... There's got to be a good re... What is the city if you don't mind my asking? Kansas City. Okay. There's a lot of stuff there. Are there multiple Kansas cities? Kansas City, Missouri.

Is it in the Kansas side of Missouri? Oh, no, never mind. No, no, no, no, no. Now, I believe my wife, Sidney Sidney, you're here. Hey, everybody say hi to Sidney. Now, Sidney, you've been to Kansas City, right? Would you say everything is up to date there? God damn it.

Yeah. Under the wire. Yeah, that, you know what? That Oklahoma gag went over just as well as it should have. Congratulations. You just bought your own coffin, stupid. Joke coffin. There's another one.

So it's a... Is it cool? She says it's very cool for a home audience. She doesn't have a microphone. Yeah. Yeah, I guess just give them that. It's very cool. Sounds good to me.

That's great. There's two of them, so if one burns down, there's another Kansas City. Are you sure all your friends are in that one? Okay, good. Check, because that one's important. Yeah, that is key. How about a Yahoo?

Yeah, definitely. This one was also sent in by Nefariousity. Thank you. It's by a Yahoo Answers user, Ray, who asks, How can I become like Jackie Chan? I want to learn how to fight like Jackie Chan, or learn how to do Kung Fu pro-early. So shall I go to China and go to a special place?

Because I want to learn how to do it proper and a little early. Like Jackie Chan. Not the way they do it near my dojo. I love that. Wait, wait, wait. Did he said near my dojo? Not at my dojo. We have a small club.

The dojo's prices are outrageous. We meet outside in the alley behind it. We're in front of the frozen yogurt place. No, not that one. Walk to the employee parking lot of the Dairy Queen. You have arrived. Let the kicking commence. Walk to the dojo club.

Meet me at the dojo and you can follow me. You know why? Everybody just said that. In Huntington, Virginia, next to the Dairy Queen, there is, in fact, a dojo. This is accurate. This is an accurate goof. Um.

Historically accurate goof. There are a lot of ways you can become like Jackie Chan. Can you throw- Friend, Chris Tucker. Can you be best friends with Chris Tucker? Can you throw fast punches? That seems to be that whole guy's whole shtick. I guess.

I'm not an expert. You know what? Are you Chinese? Because if you're Chinese, my papa probably already thinks you are Jackie Chan. You are like halfway there. Oh. I hope he never listens.

And here's about how racist we say he is. Jackie Chan? Yeah. Can you have lots of goof-ups during a filming of the movie, and then those make their way into the credits? I'm like, the ladder opened. Oh, am I not? You get hit like really hard with a sword or something.

And then you just laugh it off because we're Jackie Chan. Because you're invincible. You're invincible. You're so charming. Why kind of kung fu are you doing out your dojo that's not like what Jackie Chan is doing? We're doing tickle-foo here. I don't even like this.

Excuse me. Teach. Teach. Teach. This isn't like Jackie Chan. I have slid down zero buildings. I have punched absolutely no helicopters. Where's the part where I gotta go?

Whoa! Yeah. I barely catch myself. Where's Owen Wilson even at? I don't know. Was that the right Wilson? Shanghai Nune. Shanghai Nights.

Shanghai Nights, Shanghai Nune. Justin, was that the right Wilson? Should I say again? Owen? I don't know. He has a nice pump walk. OK. And he thinks all white people are Owen Wilson?

He thinks all white people are Owen Wilson. He is the worst. Yeah, he really is. At least he's an equal opportunity racist. Yeah, I guess. So, in this lull, I would like to take this opportunity. To acknowledge the lull? I wrote a little something.

I asked everyone for some words. I'm not a goof. Like we told you not to do this. And so I wrote just a little Mad Lib. No. I'm not. No. Just, I mean, just a little thing that's special for you guys

because you're special. Can we call them Sad Libs? Officially, can we get the branding on Sad Libs? Sad Libs. So I'm going to read this Mad Lib. I'm not. I'm going to go use the Mitt's restroom. I just wanted you guys to hear this as they wrote it for you.

I'm going to play Chrono Trigger on my iPhone. I wrote it especially for Justin, but Justin will hear it in the bathroom, I guess. So here it is. I hope you guys like it. Jesus. One jiggly candle knight's eve. Diesel McGillicuddy was snorkeling patiently in his lavender vestiboodle. This is even worse when I'm with you.

Diesel was Santa's most tingly advisor, but his wankalicious swagger landed him in the Mongoose house. Come in here, super creeps called Santa. You've really outdone yourself. Can anybody in here give me a drink? Thank you. Your most perfunctory haikunus responded diesel, straightening his brazier preposterously. Not so bubbly, farted Santa.

This candle knight's nonsense has side-saddled long enough. Six billion gray palapeno smoothies, and on top of that, nine whole bubbles. This is your last opus. Luckily, right at that moment, Santa was arrested on charges related to Watergate. The rarity of the anachronism ruined camera lights forever. The end. Thank you, everyone. I love you.

That's the worst. It's the worst. It's the pits. It was bad. Thank you for enjoying my art. My hope is, in the future, that you will remember their faces. You solve them, right? It's so nice to be appreciated in my own lifetime.

So I don't have to wait till after my tragic death to be appreciated by those that love me. Mad lips are bad, and I don't like them. They don't love you. They hate us. They just enjoy punishment. Wow, just the worst. That might have been the worst one. I didn't even listen to it.

I've been working on that for two months. Do you know how much worse it is when I have to hear people not being entertained as you're doing it? No, no, they were wrapped. They were just so hard to pay attention. They weren't laughing. Were they wrapped? They were wrapped. They paid $10 to be talked to.

They were so focused. They paid $10 to be talked to, like children just now. Crystal, don't laugh. I don't want to miss a word. Did you hear that? He said Santa farted. Ah, oh no, I'm doing it myself. Oh my god.

Can we move on? Please. Well, I did have a second one. Do you want me to go ahead and read that? I'll break this bottle in your head. Fair enough. Hey, uh, dear brothers, I'm about to move to a new city. Since, oh wait, wait, first, before I start, is the Shazinator here?

Boom. Hey, what's going on? Hey, everybody. Hey, sweet sweatshirt. That is a cool sweatshirt. Dear brothers, I'm about to move to a new city. I don't know why anybody would want to leave Austin. Woo!

No, no, don't give him those cheap heels. No, no. Stars at night, big and bright. This bottle's broken. Does that work? What? Sorry, my bottle was broken. Go on.

How does it work? How do you, how does it work? I go like this. The stars at night are big and bright. Clap, clap, clap. Deep in the heart of Texas. That's great. That was very great.

We're going to do that in the next show too. So if I said we are. Marshall. Okay, so it doesn't. Boomer. No. So I'll do that here. So, okay.

Yikes. And then the crowd turned. Sports team. Let's hear it for sports. Hey, please guys, you like our show. Let's not pretend. Okay. That's super fancy here.

Besides I hear that. Your favorite sport is Mario Kart. Nerd alert. Dear. Did you see that my brother, my brother and me show it at seven o'clock? Yeah, it was good. Started out real funny.

Then it sucked for like two minutes. While Travis read his thing. And then it got super antagonistic afterwards. They were like just egging on the audience. I'm just going to start throwing like rotten peaches that you guys see. Dear brothers, I'm about to move to a new city. And since finishing college,

for difficulty meeting new people, my boyfriend will help. But I'd like to space out my time with them as to not drive him crazy. Nice. Nice. What are some good ways to meet friends? What?

Sorry, go ahead. Sorry. What are some good ways... Oh, you think that might have been alienated. A little mean, yeah. For those of us with wives, right? Yeah. Yeah, well.

That was... I like to call that an emasculifice. Yeah, you are paying for that later. Sacrificed for you guys. She knows... Luckily my girlfriend doesn't listen to the show. She heard you were doing a sad live and she just couldn't break...

She couldn't see you fall apart like that. So what are some good ways to meet friends in a new city? I'm glad you asked. I'm glad you asked. Is Austin the city you just moved to? Wait, I'm confused. No, I'm moving to Albany, New York.

Albany, New York, that's the furthest from here. We had talked about this before and what we had agreed to do was to introduce you to everybody in the audience. One by one, it would be the rest of the show. It has only just now occurred to me... That's a dumb idea. That's a stupid idea

because you're all in Austin. Anybody else here live in Albany? No. How many of you would be willing to move to Albany with her? If she could take a group with her, I can offer you a $30 to $33 moving stipend. If you can move with her to Albany right now. We got like half a pizza backstage that...

Yeah. I don't know, feed you on your trip. I don't know. This would be a bit of a pizza. What's up with Albany? Is it the skiing? Is it... I'm here for a kind of job.

At a skiing lodge? I'm in it now. I'm interested. I want to get into your life. Now he's in your story because we can't do the other thing. What's a good way to meet friends? Go to a live show in Albany

and then they'll do a similar case. Go to my brother, my brother and me, Albany. Yeah, which now we have to do. We'll see you there on Tuesday. We can just do a franchise. We'll sell a franchise there. Get three other brothers to do it. Oh, God.

We're the Schmacklerois. My brother, my brother. We're McElroy's too. You know, like Gallagher. I tell you, don't you do that sad libs bit. It's not because we have a copyright and we just don't want anybody else to have to go through it.

It's an art form. No one else can do it. Do you have anything to offer? Like other people? Jesus. I'm selling. I don't know where. Ow!

That's like super on the nose. What are you? I haven't tried that with a different tone of voice. So what do you have to offer? That's not. Now you're giving our job interview at a ski lodge. What's wrong with you? How are you with sloping?

Are you a slope? Are you a slope, sir? That is ski terminology. Yeah. Okay. Just go to talk to somebody you don't know. That's the real trick of it. That's what people came to see, right?

Yeah. The real hard hitting advice that only my brother, my brother and me can offer. I don't know. I'm pretty bad at getting to know people in new cities. I like to have this install base there already. Can you get on the internet and use internet today? Can you start just adding people on Facebook

who live in Albany? Hi, Pete. I'm like half-joking. I hear you're a laid-off dock worker. Well, my name is me. Can we be friends? We are both one of the 99 percent. Let's be buds.

Say it now you have something in common. Griffin. How about you? Who? Please. Oh, we're burning right through. This one's sent in by Nefariousity. He sent in like all of them.

Thank you, Nefariousity. You really killed it this week. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Why? And then an exclamation point. And then it's so Siri and it got cut off, but I imagine that is the Joker thing. He asks, have you ever kissed like you invented it?

Does he mean like you kiss someone and then yell, that's copyright? Yeah. Don't you try and do that to anybody else, because that's mine. I don't know that inventing it is the right word. I've kissed like I've patented it. I've kissed like I own the concept in IP.

Yeah. First hand. I've kissed like I've made it my own. Yeah. Hey, only he kisses like that. I kissed like I reinvented it. Yeah. Who's ever been kissed him and like,

what did you do? What did you do? What the hell was that? That's usually not a good sign, gang. We've been around for a few thousand years. We've pretty much sussed out all the ways. It's like you had a finger in your mouth. What happened?

It's like you hitchhiking inside of my mouth. It was like kissing four thumbs. It was incredible. Weirdly aroused. How do you even know if you've kissed like you've invented it? I've never gotten. You feel like you've kissed like you invented it? You're a douchebag.

Yeah. Yeah, kiss like you invented it is my favorite Tim McGraw song. I kiss like I barely grasp the concept. You can kiss like you chopped and screwed it, like you remixed it. Yeah. I like that a lot. Yeah.

Maybe while you're kissing a lady or boy, you like spin them, you like flip them around on your mouth. You would have to lay on the ground. Okay, so like a sit and spin. You're not talking about like a human centipede situation. No, no, no, it's mouth to mouth. So that would be a human push me pull you, if anything. It's not weird.

Wow. Yeah, surprise. Hi. It's our show. Kiss like you. Are there any answers? Did anybody talk about kissing like they invented it? Someone without a name said,

I only wish I hadn't been at it. Then I would have been the first to kiss those sweet, sweet lips. Like the metaphorical sweet, sweet lips of humanity. Like I get it. I brought love to the world. I'm the shining light. I'm the prometheus of kissing. That is also the name of my band.

The prometheus of kissing. I haven't... Brought smooch down from the mountain. Still smooch from the gods. And I brought lip-locking down to you humans. Plebes. I didn't read these. Somebody said, hello, sir.

New you'd ask something soon, low. No, I can't say that I have, unfortunately. Thanks for the input. Wait, new you'd ask something soon? Yeah. I've been eyeballing your account for a while now. Just waiting for a little activity. You came out with a clubbanger.

Unfortunately, I have no input for you on this one. I wish I could respond in the affirmative. Yeah. I like to kiss them dang lips like I'm mad at them. No. I'm not a kissing expert, right? As my wife will attest. Even I can tell you that's the wrong way of doing it.

That's not true. Stupid lips. Hate your lips. Give it a bit of sweet lips. Press them against my face, my lips. Hold still, I hate your lips. Rub them on me. I'm chapped.

I put some cherry lips markers on the brow of my hate your lips. You sound like an angry Bill Cosby. I got yellow pudding all over my lips. Rub them on now. You have to stop doing that. I want to do it. Have you ever kissed someone like Bill Cosby? I need to save my lips because I'm going to do a scat bit on a Harry Mellon Monty record.

Can the mother turn her? I can't feel anything in there. They're frozen with a booty pop. It sounds like Bill Cosby being drawn and quartered actually. I'll never turn my back on the scats. Man, they're truly nice, right, Coach? I forget the quote. I don't remember the quote from Braveheart.

Oh, Jesus. Tell me about it. Okay. Oh, fuck. Is that enough comedy yet? No, never enough comedy. Like 20 more minutes of comedy. Oh, God.

Come on, more comedy. It's like a comedy marathon. Hey, listen. It is every week, Travis, every week. Hey, it is becoming more and more obvious that one of my best friends doesn't brush his teeth. Okay, so just so you know, this is not from someone here, but I would like to look around the room

and see how many people just looked at their friends that they came with. God damn it, Dylan. His breath is so bad. Yeah. It sounds so bad, isn't it? It's so bad that I have to cover my mouth or hold my breath while he's talking to me. I mean, it's not. Sounds really bad.

It's not like a good dozen spit. In a confined area, in a car, for example, thank you, question asker, for clarifying confined area for me. Like a car, or a shower, or a coffee, or a small box, a small shower, a veterinary stand, a littlest pet shop. All of the other guys that we hang out with think the same thing. We want to tell them, but are not sure how to approach the matter. Do we straight up tell them, Chris?

How do you not know that your mouth tastes bad with your own tongue that's in there? It's like spoiled hummus in there. I know. Usually, I hate my mouth. Usually when we advise against it, it's like straight up telling someone something like, it's because, you know, it's like we're awkward and we don't want to bring it up. There is literally no way to bring this up that isn't this.

Your breath stinks. Your breath fucking stinks. Brush your teeth. What are you doing? Get out of your seat, you mouth jones. Your teeth are your treasure. Take care of them with a brush. Get a brush and pamper your teeth.

Um, maybe you could set it up like a trust exercise and you brush his teeth and he brushes your teeth. And then you do it every day for the rest of his life. That was so nice, Stephen. Let's never stop. Do you, can you, let me see a show of hands. Would, if your breath- The breath is their teeth. If your breath-

I only saw those two guys raise their hands. I'm not trying to call you all out, but go work you two. And gross everyone else. If your breath was so bad that people would write into a comedy advice show about it, knowing full well that they were going to really eviscerate your buddy, would you want to know? I mean, would you want someone to raise your hands? Let me see. Who would want their friend to tell them?

Whoa. Okay. So we see about half of these people want to live their life, live a long life. And the other half have stinky breath. Yeah. Not me. Not me? I think I would want them to tell me right before it got to that point,

where you wrote into a comedy advice podcast. Your bad breath is about to come, become a meme. Who wanted to warm you ahead of time? Can you brush your teeth while they're sleeping? Are they mouth breathers? Are they really heavy sleepers? Can you get one of those fish, those tiny fish in the ocean that clean off whales for them? Oh, right, like a pilot fish.

A pilot fish. A pilot fish. That lives in your friend's mouth. You know, you can't do that until they wake up. And then you're just standing over them and there's a fish in their mouth. Yeah. Yeah. And then you gotta say, gotcha.

Gotcha. And run out of the room. Psych. I'll never see you again. I'm moving to a Midwestern city. What do you want to know about one of those birds? Get one of them birds. It's one of them rhino birds.

One of them rhino birds. There's so much wildlife. Cooper. And one of those rhino birds to get the fish out of their mouth. It's a cuckoo bird. That mouse smells like fish. Your mouth smells like fish. I'm going to eat the fish out of your mouth that you got to clean your teeth.

Then I'm going to eat the other things on your teeth. Maybe you wait till they do something really awesome. And we're like, oh, that's a really great haircut. And also your breastings. You're saying. And so that way they're going, oh. Miracle Mac style. You give a little chocolate coat.

It makes it go down easy. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I like beautiful new shoes. Also your breastings. You probably shouldn't say it like Eddie Griffin. Just for the record.

You probably shouldn't say, hey, yo, your breastings. Maybe get their celebrity hero to say it to them. Oh, that'll be much better. Hi, I'm Scott Bakula. And god damn your breast. I don't know what's going on in there, bro. But god damn. Hi, I'm Jeff Goldblum.

I'm Jeff Goldblum, but I don't like it in there. I do not like it very much. No, thanks. Can you wait until they're 85 and have been lonely their whole life? And then they come to you and ask why and you then you drop it on. Can I not tell you? Oh, sorry. I meant to tell you we're 25.

Can you pretend that you are them time traveling back from the future to tell them that their breath smells bad? I know that that's my answer to a lot of questions, right? Thank god I found you. If it's not too late, you're going to meet Queen, some Queen. Queen Elizabeth, still she alive? Yeah.

Okay. They're going to meet the Baron Queen. You're going to meet Queen and Paul Rogers. This is a reach toothbrush. Fucking use it. Oh, wait, you can do that now in the present as his friend. Just hand me a reach tooth. I was my new friend at the dentist and he has a movie he's going to show you.

Get him a reach toothbrush for Christmas. This is not joke time anymore. You have to take care of your friend's mouth. Yeah, this goes past like my friend Chew's too loudly. Like your friend's got mouth problems. Serious change of eye to problem. Dad, take it from someone who's gum's of blood. Oh, god.

You're doing him a favor. Gross. Hey, how did you know two secrets about traveling? Yeah, it's getting a little too real in here. Come for the eggmogs. Say for the terrible revelations. How was that eggmog everybody? Everybody get eggmogs?

Yeah. Do you want to brush your teeth now? We thought we'd get you really heavy with eggnog humors before you. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, please. This one was sent in by Gali Ayali. Thanks. Gali Ayali.

It's by Yahoo Answers user fashion A and then it cuts off. So I don't know guys. I printed these out. I'm sorry. Fashion A ellipses asks, where can I find the hottest sexy Santa outfit? That's that's the end of the question. Oh, okay.

They can borrow mine. You're sexy walking. If they promise not to stretch it out. Would they're tied in all the right places? All the right places. I would actually call those wrong places. I prefer you're close to be loose fitting in those places. Don't you, I mean,

can you make it, can you start with, it's entirely possible to start with a not sexy Santa outfit and then with some scissors and some imagination. You're going to play, you're going to pay really up market prices for a sexy Santa outfit. You could make it home. Really.

Hey, where are your valuable bits? Just cut holes there and then we can see them and then. No, that's pretty sexy. That's just really up front, Santa. That's weird. That's not sexy, Santa. It's not sexy. We're like, look at these.

You're wearing a Santa smock, but I can see both your boobles. Like it's like almost the same. I bet your balls are really prominent. You've just been really upfront about your balls. And then they're just out there. You know, my favorite holiday song is, I saw mommy grazing Santa Claus.

That's the problem. If you just cut a hole for your balls, it's like, okay, present. And then you're just, this is sexy yet. I didn't plan past this. I don't have an exit strategy. I was going to do the two hand cup and shuffle off.

You should, first off. Okay, the one hand cup. The one hand, yeah. Okay. I had a weird childhood and subsequently, any Santa outfit to sexy Santa outfits. I had some things go, it broke bad. Let's just put it that way.

And, and, and I can't see. You can't catch a whiff of the smell of Ho Ho's beard. If I smell frankincense, myrrh, it's just, whoop. I just want to, I just noticed this question does not say where can I find a sexy Santa Claus outfit? It says, where can I find the hottest sexy Santa Claus outfit?

Meaning some clerk or salesperson has presented a sexy Santa Claus costume to them. And they said, no, that's not it. Nope. Nope. I need hotter dammit. Hotter. I'll know when I see it.

Not sexy enough. Sex you're moral. There's no way I'm getting this promotion. Can you just low ride a regular Santa outfit so people can see the back good? The what? The good's on the back. The good's that you have on the back end.

There's no way you can back it up and make it shake like a bowl full of jelly. That's the fucking grossest thing you've ever said to me. That's the fucking grossest thing you've ever said right to my face. You've said, you've said some things too. You said some shit. You said some things.

Are there any answers? Did anybody have any suggestions? Somebody says, oh, there's this place called the Naughty Nook. You might want to see if there's one in your area. Someone says, Fredericks has one too. Hit up your local Fredericks. Internet, stop helping these people.

The proper response when you see that is close the tab. Don't like further push them down this road or this horrifying bath they've started out. There's a chance if you wear a sexy Santa outfit, there is a chance. Slim though it may be. Passing motorists, whatever. Some kid may see you.

And that's it. That's it for him. That's it. Then he converts, right? Something happened to me. I mean, I'm a quantum man now. I want you guys to follow me here. But the only thing that gets me through questions like these

is to think that I believe in alternate realities. In some way there's an alternate reality. Yahoo answers question that says, where can I find the most modest, nonchalant Santa outfit? I am Santa in my child's school play. I am trying to be a good person. Where can I find a Santa outfit that will hide my balls?

Every Santa outfit I've talked about has been too revealing. I need it to hide my balls the best. I need so much coverage down there that it looks like I have padding. And then you've circled back around. Now you're terrible again. I need the most chaste Santa costumes. So holy is the holy of Santa costumes.

Excuse me, where do you have the Santa costumes that include Berks? I need one of those. I need to hide everything. Can we try to acknowledge the situation within which one would need a sexy Santa outfit? Because it's not for a school play and it's not for Christmas morning.

Are there a group of people who want to fuck Santa Claus? Is that somebody's thing? Is that somebody's dish? It's just, have you heard the song Santa Baby? That's what it is. I don't like this world that you're introducing. I'm amazed that somebody wants to punch line to some sort of down your chimney gag.

That's what they're wearing. Jinko balls. That's an awfully big investment for one goof. Hey, when it comes to dealing with my fellow co-workers, I tend to have a rather difficult time with the volume of my voice. I usually mumble quietly, even when just saying excuse me or I'm sorry.

And fear the day I might try to say something and just end up yelling. Is there? So the problem is like they're saving it all up and one day the dam will break. It comes to my volume. Stop yelling. They're just going to care bear stare the person's ears right out.

Is there a simple solution or should I just start giving awkward stares with my mumbles? Talk. Just talk. No, just talk like a person. Listen to how we're talking and then emulate us, except for the subject matter. Slightly quieter.

Slightly quieter. We're doing a live performance, like quieter than this. But still, like there is a simple solution. Talk like a person. Talk like a grown up. Or. Or. Unless.

Unless. Just talk loud all the time. Yell all the time. Yelly Steve. Yelly Steve, the office's talent crier. You're right. Or. Or.

Don't talk at all. Just stop talking. Monkey Steve. When someone bumps you in the hallway, just stare at them. They'll never bump you again. Yeah, because you're fires. Excuse me, Johnson. Johnson?

Johnson? Johnson? Johnson, come back. Johnson? Johnson? Keep doing it. Johnson? This is good.

I think the audience is thinking, when's Griffin going to do his terrible bit? You'll have to come back at nine to see that. I think if this person is, if their worry is like, I try to control the sound of my voice so that I don't like freak out my other employees. Then I would say that you're already doing that, because you're the quiet mumbly guy that everyone's afraid of.

Right. When people say like. Don't, don't bump Steve, whatever you do. I don't know what his plan is, but he's making a list. Right. Checking it twice. In the sexiest setup costume you can find. If you, if you, uh, yeah, you're already that guy.

When they talk about the last one you ever suspect to do, something like this, they're not talking about you. You're the first one they suspect to do exactly what you're. The bad news is if you start being loud now, now you've made the jump to the other side of like, now he's just screaming all the time. He was quiet for like three years and now he's screaming. I think like the fuse is lit.

Yeah, that damn's about to break. We need to treat him with kid gloves. So maybe you quit your job of starting a new job as the normal guy. Regular guy. And maybe disappointing for them too, if you just talk about dumb shit all the time and then be like, Oh, that's what you were saying that whole time. I'm sure you're just doing bad lips over and over again.

I'm sure he doesn't say dumb shit though. He's a listener. He's very dear. He's very dear to me. Oh, he started saying dumb shit really loudly. I forgot we were talking. Some people will be like, go back to mumbling. Yeah.

I forgot we were talking about a person. I just know he doesn't mumble when he tells them to listen to my brother. My brother made this great podcast. He loves so much. If you say the title of a podcast, it sounds like you're mumbling. It does kind of. My brother. That's why we haven't had more mainstream success.

It's just because whatever the anchors or like Ryan Seacrest mentioned our show, it's all it's all sorted down here. I don't know who that is. Do you want another Yahoo? Yeah, we got time for one more. There's one I sent in by it's 756 Travis. By Yahoo Answers user Lynn W who asks, My cat's ghost is haunting me.

My cat committed suicide three days ago. Now she's haunting me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. First up. Oh God, there's so many first stops. But I think the main first off is if you have the whole question. Yeah. If your cat committed suicide, it does not get to haunt you

because that was in its own pause. It's your first decision. First, as we all know, suicide is straight to cat hell. I mean, it's in the Bible. I eat cat Bible. I would love to see that episode of like cat CSI. We're like, no, we're ruling this one a suicide. Yeah.

They don't want. Wait. Okay. Can you not double up on the fucking craziness of cat ghost and cat suicide with cat CSI, please? Spoiler to everybody to see stands for cat. I can't tell you about SNI, but I'm pretty sure. And meow is in there.

I thought he could withstand the fall. I guess he was a real pussy. I liked it. Looks like we're going to have to cat nip this one in the bud. Okay. Justin, let the circle be unbroken. This is the perfect crime. Okay.

We should, yeah, I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first, thank you guys so much for coming out to see this dumb ad show. You've been, you've lifted our spirits. We hope you enjoyed the cookies and eggnog. We also hope that you will on the way out treat yourself to, we have posters there out there. Don't treat yourself. They cost money.

I believe I will. Thank you. Don't mind if I do. Don't mind if I do. I can run you down in the parking lot. I'm very fast. Yeah. We, we also will come out there as soon as we're done here.

So we can say hi to everybody. And we're also going to be probably around 11 o'clock heading over to what's it called Griffin? It's got a Kung Fu saloon. Kung Fu saloon. It's in Austin, Texas. Don't shine in our box. I didn't reserve it or anything. It may be super full.

We'll see. It's an event, guys. If it is, you, seven o'clock, we will go now. Save us a table. Start busting heads. Yeah. Everybody out of here. Just toot and have bad breath and just get everybody out.

Anything else? Anything I'm forgetting? Thank you. Thank you to everybody who helped make this show a reality. Thank you to. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you to you.

Thank you to Tanner running sound over here. Thank you for Justin. Realize. Thank you to Bristol. All our girlfriends and wives. Rachel and Sydney. Rachel and Sydney. Is there anybody, Jordan, for helping with the door and the blue theater for having us here.

It's a beautiful venue that they pretty much always do whatever we want to in. So that's nice. We didn't end up setting up the table on fire, but. And mostly thank you guys. Thank you so much. Yeah. Yeah. You long time friends of ours.

This very. Et cetera. Whose final question was sent in by Gavin Burke. Thank you, Gavin. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Vicky Six who asks, does anyone know where to purchase and or make a coffin shaped bed? I'm Justin McRoy.

I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This is my brother. My brother. Me. Kiss your dad. School. Wear on the lips.

James. James. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls smart, three stacks. These girls smart.

Play your part.