My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 84: Face 2 Face 4: Sippin' on Chillerz

Episode Date: December 19, 2011

It's the second part of our recent live show double header in Austin, Texas. Don't feel compelled to skip it if you already listened to the last one! It's got entirely different questions, and also, we get significantly more tore-up on three-dollar Walgreens booze.

The McElroy Brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Here we are, it's a new place And the girls, do you want it to say that I want it? I didn't want to interrupt the flow, you know? Yeah, well I was kind of counting on the whole thing playing out, because that's the first physical exertion I've done in a decade or so.

It's the most exercise I've gotten. Hi everybody, this is my brother and brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest, most-winded brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm a sweet baby, Griffin. Guys, I got presents. Candlenight's presents. I got Candlenight's presents for everyone who is sitting at this table, and nobody in the audience, I'm sorry. Just from here, Candlenight's celebration.

Sorry, I swear from Genesis today. Now what do you got there? I got you the gift of health. I got you an acai berry shooter. Okay, I'm not going to drink that right now. I got you superfruit omega-3 gummies. Wow, all for me. I got you some goji, I don't even know what that one is, never heard of it before.

I think that's what makes you do back flips real good. I was just thinking, tell me. There's a second back. I was just thinking since we just did another show, an hour of Goose, and we never tried to do two hours of Goose in the same day that we need all the energy that we can get. And these have lots of B12 in them. So we got gummy vitamins, this is superfruit. We got five hour energy drinks, which are not from Genesis today, but I figured they get the job done too. Also at the Walgreens, where I purchased some of this stuff, they had these at the counter, they're called tropic chillers.

They are 17% alcohol by volume. They come in these delightful little spheres. They're little alka-balms. They're little alka-balms, and we should drink them and get... That translates to 17% flummy for you, the people. Let's do it. I really don't want to. How is it?

That's straight gross. Wow. Oh my God. That tastes like Radio Act of Eurush. It tastes like the bad part of vodka night, towards the end, when it comes back to you. Mine actually tastes like someone was floating apple slices in gross vodka, and then someone bombed it in it. I spilled tropic chill. I spilled tropic chillers with a Z all over my paper, so now I can't read it.

Oh, gross. And we'll combine that with the five-hour energy. I don't want to do that. I think the gag was initially that we would like jam. I'm like, ah, look at us. They're disgusting. I'm not doing that. It's repellent. I will drink a five-hour, and I want you guys to have the most pumped up.

Can we start a clap? Can we start a slow clap for Justin? Slow clap, people. A slow clap. I know that... Holy shit. He's gone mad with power. Don't encourage him. These are really bad.

They're really brutal, right? Let's get right into the advice. I feel like it was solved long enough. First bit of advice, don't do any of the things from the last three minutes or so. Don't do that, and you'll be good to go. First question comes from The Holiday Hater. Are they here? The Holiday Hater.

Hey, everybody. There's the hot... Hey, hi. Hey. Oh, well, come on, guys. That turned 30 quick. We get to do a live show where the audience turns on each other before they turn on us. But we will encourage that behavior. Hey, everybody, turn on that guy.

He's got straight hunger games in here. The candidate from Panama. Okay, so he says, I'm a Grinch. It doesn't matter what holiday it is. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Fourth of July. He did not include candle nights, but I'm assuming. Or anything else. I just can't get excited for him.

I want to get excited and enjoy the holidays, but I just can't seem to. How can I stop being a Grinch? I like things. Okay. Normally, we try to cut a little deeper to the bone here on our show, but I guess like things is a perfectly suitable answer. Like every holiday, like Columbus Day and like Canadian Thanksgiving and stuff? What about Independence Day?

Maybe all the aliens. Can you not eat superfruit gummies during the show? Sorry. You sound like my... This is my tall, addicted brother, Griffin. He loves two things, bad advice and smokeless tobacco. No, but really, Independence Day, not a fan of that. It's just fireworks and hot dogs.

How can you not get into things exploding and also there are hot dogs there? Wait a minute. Is every day of your life a holiday? Are you Tim McGraw, live like it was like I was dying style? Every day out there, skydiving, rockin' mountain climbing? No? Well, you're here so I can tell that's not true. Hey, I'm sorry.

I want to say that. I love the holidays. Why don't you like them? Wow. Let me say this. Do you have anything against them or is it just like... Yeah, I don't feel it. Oh, welcome to adulthood.

Guess what? Nothing's as good as it used to be. You turn like 16 and people stop giving you candy and sparklers and it's sad from now on. Yeah, you have to drink chillers and five hour energy drinks just to feel. Yeah. We have a cure for your problem. It's called alcohol.

Get on the bus. They sold these like next to the pay days and three musketeers at the Walgreens. I can guarantee you. Carried parents have picked these up as a treat for their young ones. Here. Oh, they like this. It's bright green.

They'll love it. I'm not even fucking kidding anymore. This is the grossest thing I've ever drank in my life. Hey, Frank, I know he's our son and I know how this sounds, but for the first time, I was able to really just chill with them. He just fucking hung out. Well, Brian got some serious hang time on the books. It was really good.

We went and hit the jukebox, played all the Toby Key songs, just flipped the table and left. What I found in my adult life is all the holidays that I loved as a kid, like Halloween and Christmas and stuff, I had to give those up to appreciate holidays like St. Patrick's Day. So here's things. Alarmist day. Sacrifice a few holidays so that the other ones mean more.

No, I'm just saying like I've learned to appreciate, I don't have to go to work today days. I get to drink all day days. How do you not like those days? And flag days. What's wrong with you? I think you're too broken for our help, but sir, I'm sorry,

you will be issued a full refund at the door. You will not. I have a yahoo. A yahoo, you say. I have a yahoo answer. From the yahoo answer service. From the yahoo answers platform. Okay.

That was developed. I can't stop drinking it even though I have to stop drinking it. I know. You have to stop drinking it now. It's like mouth art for your mouth. This one was sent in by Alithia Eckhart. Thank you, Alithia. It's by yahoo answers user,

Naveah, who asks, heaven backwards. Hey everybody, by the way, she's it with that. Alright. Who asks, how much your name is Naveah and you're here, in which case it's lovely.

Who asks, what can I get a horse and dog for Christmas? We're having a Christmas party on this Saturday, and we're doing Secret Santa, and I got a horse named Daisy and a dog named Bandit, which Bandit is kind of old and only has 20% vision. So I can't really get him toys. So what else can I get a dog that only has 20% vision?

Euthanasia. And what do you buy a horse for Christmas besides treats? Horse treats. Apple. Sugar. Hey, guess what? That's the only thing that horses give a shit about and not being,

those three things and not being kicked in the sides. Those are the four things that horses like. I got you this necklace of roses. I like oats and not having a man on me. Maybe you could get him a smaller horse and a smaller dog. But you know what? Even those horses give a shit about holidays. Just saying.

Hey. Just saying. Get it together. They got a little extra trot their gallop, right around Thanksgiving and stuff. I don't know what horses like anymore. But in my day, horses. I used to have my finger.

They appreciated the simpler things. Like smuckers, raspberry preserves. I used to have my finger on the equestrian pulse, and nowadays I just feel so divorced from it. You know what you could do? You could get the horse, a dog present, and the dog a horse present, and then they swap them, give to the magi,

and they become best friends. That's not how gifted and magi work. Thanks to the watch chain. It's yours now. Hey, gift of the lazy guy. Swaperoo. Use flash if you're a horse. You don't fucking know that.

Just take it for granted. Somebody tells you to run in a circle. You're like, okay, boss. I guess. Thanks. I hope I get oats for this. We've gone, I don't know, five minutes without addressing the fact that someone got a horse and a dog

and a secret Santa. That's how this starts. What kind of fucking secret Santa is this? What kind of secret Santa is there where you draw a human being saying, like, Oh, woo. Shots to blood there. Thank God.

Someone that wears shoes and pants and stuff. Yeah. I got the short straw. It looks like I got the horse. Good news. You can give the straw to the horse. Well, you will enjoy that very much. Why is your response not, this is a horse?

Uh, I part this, but excuse me. Excuse me. You have written. No, I entered the human secret Santa. I'm a human and I have a horse. This is the horse and dog draw names. What the fuck is that horse going to get? I got shoes and like an apple.

Do you want this eaten apple? Stephen, the human isn't going to like this apple. Bad news for Dorothy and accounting. You're not getting anything. Don't even buy a gift. You're going home empty handed. How did the horse write their name on the slip? There's a lot of questions.

A lot of problems. Why are horses even involved in the secret Santa? This, the horse doesn't give two shits about secret Santa. This is a part that someone's having a laugh at the office. I think. Yeah. Hey, Kristen, we're doing secret Santa here. The horse office.

The office where horses are. This whole thing is taking place on. Hey, dude, the television. Unless this question is written by somebody like Stephen, the weasel. You're saying that this is an Orwellian like animal farm kind of thing. Right. Another animal getting presents for that.

On the internet. Wait, it all fell apart. They can't. Can you get the dog and iPad too? Everybody wants to know how to skip this year. I got you. Never say never. Can you get it?

Some Genesis today. Super fruit gummies. Immunity boosting variety. At least the horse on the go. Horses need immunity. That's what I'm saying. I have another question here. Is Sam Panky here?

Sam. Where is he? Sam. Hi, Sam. Well, thank you for coming. Sam didn't create a clever nickname for himself for reasons that will become evident soon. My name is Sam Panky. And I have been blessed with a pretty wicked last name.

All my life, however, I've received the exact same nicknames and variants. Spanky. Pancasaurus. I'm going to call bullshit on that one, by the way. No one's ever called you that. Pankinator. And my personal favorite, Panky Doodle. These are all great.

But I'm looking for something with a little more pizzazz. And one that might reflect my life as a jazz basis living and working here in Austin, Texas. What about Pancreatitis? Okay. It's a good start. It's pretty good. I've got to start somewhere, I guess. You've never gotten Hanky Panky?

That seems like the most obvious answer. Every goddamn day, huh? Stanky Panky. That's not good. Has anyone just ever called you Sam by your first name? Mr. Sam. Excuse me, Sam? Excuse me, Samuel Panky?

Is that you? Never that? What about two in the Pank, one in the Stank? No, come on. Whoa, and now I'm the asshole. Can you not? Like, can you not? Could you?

There's a hundred people. I regret nothing. Okay. You've had as much of your tropical chiller as I have. There's really no excuse. I'm sorry, Mr. Backward, I'm cutting you off. I'll tell you what, I've had enough tropical chiller. I'll tell you what, it's exactly when I say two in the Pank, one in the Stank.

That is the specific moment. That is my alcohol safe word. Ugh, I can't stress enough how bad these are. Don't drink beverages with C's in the tile anymore, guys. How can I have Zima? Sam, what about Dr. Base? Now, stay with me. You play Base, right?

Yes. You're a medical doctor. Are you good at it? What about good Base? Yeah, about average Base. And then if you have like a really rockin' knife, you're like, no, he was above average Base. And that's good Press.

You can't buy that kind of Press. Yeah. Set the bar nice and middle. You can jump right over that with just a few... So it sounds like, that's what a Base sounds like. Yeah. Just play the phrase here. You can't see my mouth.

Can we get a nickname started for you that has nothing to do with any of your real names? Like the, like the, like Burger Master or something. Now, are you good at making hamburgers, Sam? I'm sorry. Do you eat a lot of hamburgers or are you good at making them? You talk about burgers a lot. Okay. Oh, there it is.

What's up, Burger Master? Oh, Burger Sam that you used to call him. Burger Sam. Nobody loved him. It was him. The Sam burglar. Him and... Take that to the back.

There you go. It was a Panky Banky. Monster. See, you go down to the bottom. And while you're down there, you find this with two in the Pank. And while you're down there, you find an oyster. You crack it open. There's a pearl like that.

That's it. Like, working with you so hard. That was beautiful. It's like, yeah. I know. You get down to the bottom of the oyster and you find a pearl. It's so unpredictable. It's like, it's like working with Flea at his prime.

It's like, it's hard to know when he's got... Flea's a basis. Do you want a yahoo to get out, get us out of this? Wait, did... I heard somebody... Did Flea die or something? I didn't know. No, he's still cool?

Okay. Flea's still kicking? Flea's still cool? All right. Go ahead, guys. We're cool on Flea. Thank you, Flea. This one was sent in by Nefariousity.

Thank you, Nefariousity. It's by a yahoo answer user, Dee, who asks. Dee. An old woman keeps trying to get into my garden. What should I do? Does he mean to see your garden? I think so. She is not violent, but she is very persistent.

She seems healthy and of good spirits. Additional details. She seems of a healthy stock. Additional details. This afternoon, she tried again, but she was wearing lipstick this time. Does this change anything? It changes everything. So, wait.

Wait, what color lipstick? Red? It's a game changer. Yeah, it's a game changer. Obviously trying to get all up on your arugula. Is that a thing people grow in garden? It's a purple fruit, like a plant. I know I've never eaten it.

Is it a flower? I can't. So, if I understand the situation properly, this man is looking out his garden window. Cautiously. Cautiously. He's afraid he'll see her again. Is she rooting through his vegetables? No, trying to get in his garden.

She can't figure out the gate. Yeah. Don't worry, she is very persistent. She'll crack that case eventually. Yeah, she'll dig underneath it. Not violent, though. She's not one of those violent garden crafts that you read about. I gotta say, this afternoon, she tried again, and she was looking good.

Lip-wise, I mean. Really hot. Really hot. In the real Fosse grandma. Everyone knows that old people keep away crows. That's just a fact of life. If you don't have an old people there, a weasel will come and eat your rutabagas. Have you ever seen Ricky Ticky Tabby?

It's about that. Ricky Ticky Tabby and my nani. Nani is our grandma's name. Backstory. Ah, the age-old battle of the mongoose and the nani. A few y'all who... There are 53 answers to this question. Fuck you, internet.

Fuck you, internet. Because the first one couldn't handle it. I'm going to summarize the thesis of about 20 of them who say... Summarize the thesis of them. They say, um, let her look. Just fucking let that old fucking lady into your garden. What are you doing? What's so important?

Hey, you get out of here. What? Okay. Well, that is a good question. What's your in-game worry? Yeah. Right. She's a carrot thief, maybe.

I don't know. She's just going to start godzilling it all over your garden. Ah, ah, ah. Grandma smash. I hide all my butterscotch candies in there and she's going to take them off. She'll find my stash. I mean, lock your garden, I guess? Like, what actionable advice can we possibly give this human being?

It sounds like the problem is resolving itself. She can't get in. You're cool. Unless you're worried about... No, she's, she's like the Balasaraptor. She's checking every point of the fence. Clever old girl. Clever.

She's trying to dig under it. This is great. Yeah. It is really good. Where's the goat? Just stick it out. Wait, wait. Is it a goat?

Because I get confused that way too. This goat in a dress keeps trying to get in my yard. Because if the goat is wearing lipstick, it has changed. The rules that you had before are evaporated. Get the horse and the dog lipstick. Yes! That's like... Let's get these barnyard animal sexy everybody.

It's like a key to any garden. Yeah. Oh, shit. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Sam Panky. Maybe the lipstick-wearing old lady.

That's like a neat name. Lipstick-wearing old... Lipstick G-Maw. No? I don't like it. No. You don't like it? Hey, one of my...

Oh, wait a minute. Hold on. Is Leviticus here? Boom. Leviticus. Front row. Front row. This is going to get awkward, but let's just stay with us.

Stay with us, okay? It's nice. Is that our goat? It's lovely. Oh, God. One of my friends... We'll talk more after the show. Don't listen to these...

They will too. It's not a gag. One of my friends... Yeah, it was good. For like three minutes, they talked about old ladies and it was funny. And then for 45 minutes, they talked about our guy on sweaters. It got weird. I asked for my $10 back.

They refused. One of my friends is trying to introduce me to a coworker of hers. I feel like I should direct this ad. He's close enough that I can just stare at him. I just haven't read it. One of my friends is trying to introduce me to a coworker of hers that she thinks I'm... Please don't look at him.

I was actually just looking at you really closely. If I'm going to divorce myself from him enough to goof on him, I need to not... Do you want some Masai? Yeah. If you could just super fruit me. You want one of these? I'm not eating.

Yeah, cool. You've got to come up here. I can't throw. Hey, everybody. Levinicus, everybody. Hey. He's getting his goji on. He's becoming too real to me.

I can't goof on him. If you keep reminding me, he's there. One of my friends is... I need to switch seats. One of my friends is trying to introduce me to a coworker of hers that she thinks I might be romantically interested in. I don't know much about her other than that she seems nice. And then I think we might share similar interests.

When asked if I had any deal breakers, I said smoking, and it turns out she does smoke. Should I completely rule her out based on this one condition, or should I quit being stubborn and just accept someone as they are? I've been single for a long time, and I don't want to keep missing out. That's a really good instinct, everybody. Minutes. Taking away.

Time to pair off. Your biological clock is ticking. Yeah. Noah's Ark style. Two, one by one. Yeah, pair off to die. Pair off and die, everybody. Hey, are you sure she really smokes?

She didn't just hear that. That's a deal breaker. Maybe she's trying to get... She's trying to calm it. What did you say? That was her discipline. What? I guess I smoke now.

I guess I smoke now. Yum, I love these. Smooth! This is the fresh baked tobacco leaf. I love how crisp it is in my mouth. This is not from my buddy Joe? Yummy. Thank you, Joe Camel.

Flavor country resident me. You know, there's a middle ground between being stubborn and accepting her for who she is, and that's changing her to the person you want her to be. You could do... You could do like my wife did, start dating a nonsmoker, and then convince them that they're not, in fact, a smoker. Three years clean, everybody. Flip it. You're saying, I'm going to go back to what Travis was saying, because it was funnier.

Funnier and less real. You want to flip it, Eliza, do little style, my fair lady style. Did you say Eliza Dooshkoo style? You want to flip it, Eliza Dooshkoo. Is she here? Eliza? Eliza... She was at the 7th.

She was at the 7th. You guys totally missed it. Ask everyone who was at the 7th. They'll... Rikin' young auntie. Who was at the 7 o'clock show? That C they voted. She was at the Dooshkoo.

She had to go. I think that you can't... I don't think you should try to change her. No, this is all it takes. This is all it takes. No. A couple of those. You throw like eight of those and she gets self-conscious.

Did you enjoy the date with Levinicus? Yeah, he's kind of coffee. He coughs a lot. He has rheumatism. Yeah, I think he's got rheumatism. He's got TB. Touch of the consumption. He's a longer.

He was a longer. I didn't enjoy the time I spent with him. We tried to watch a movie and he kept coughing. I'm sorry, he's right here. This is what's important to note. The fact that she smokes now is not a concrete thing forever. Right. She has blue eyes.

Right. This is like, yes, she smokes. That doesn't mean she's always going to be a skunk. She's going to want to change your taste in podcasts. It's going to be a give and take. She's going to insist you stop calling yourself Levinicus. Yeah, right. There's going to be a lot of changing on both sides.

And that's what relationships are, people. Yeah, just paving into each other. Right, finding out what you need to change about yourselves. It's all about negotiation. Can you get her to guards? Can you flip it and get her to smoke cigars? And then you kiss her and it takes that grandpa mouth? Can you start dipping and then tell her,

I'll give up dip if you give up smoking? That's great. In between vomiting. Hold on baby, I'll get it. Hold on. Can you take up snoozing? Can you snooze? Or snoozing.

Or you just say everything in rhyme. Can you talk about the secret a lot? That's something. I don't understand. What? The secret, the book, the secret. Is the secret that you do snooze? No, there's no...

Am I saying that right? Is it a umlaut over you? If you... If you tell him you're going to reinforce, it's a liquid you. Snooze? Snooze? I don't like how it sounds when you say it. Griffin.

Griffin saved me. Here's a yahoo that has nothing to do with snooze. It's by yahoo who answers... Or my... Or sent in by nefariosity. Thank you nefariosity. It's by yahoo who answers user question mark, who asks, What do angels eat for my book?

How to cook for angels. I am. I'd read it. I would. I'd read it. That Shinerbuck is so good after drinking that orange jizz for 30 minutes. That's because it's made in the US. It's just because it's made here in Austin.

Guys, you got to stop giving into me. I am writing a book, and the girl in my book is pregnant with an angel, and I want her to have something to crave. Hope! Unfortunately, it's a biography. You're not writing a book. Let's be honest. You're justifying to your dad.

Yeah. Daddy is an angel. Trust me, it's an angel, baby. I'm trying to win a bet with my stupid friends. What do angels eat? Two different people in the Yahoo Answers platform wrote angel food cake. Good one, guys. Quality.

Quality. Nobody said angel hair pasta. Couldn't get another angel-based food stuff. Where about devil's food cake? Can you believe it? Travis, if you make the jokes that are as bad as the jokes that are in there, then people don't have to listen. No, I said it in tone of voice like I'm mocking them,

but it's all I could come up with. If we just had bad jokes snidely for 30 minutes, would you guys be cool? Anything? Anything they want to. Obviously, their teeth are made of metal. Roman Downey's teeth are made of metal. Fuck you if you don't believe me. I had a brief fling with her.

What's the other lady on there called? Angel, baby. Mama Angel. Mama Angel. I don't know. I didn't watch it. Angels, I pretty sure only eat cloud-based foods. So like cloud burgers.

Like cloud burgers, mostly. Right. Do they eat like tacos? Cloud tacos. They can eat cloud tacos. They're not exclusively towards cloud burgers. There's a lot of cloud-based foods in this situation. I am whipping up live on stage.

Griffin's out there on a bold new frontier, and he's writing the rules as he walks. No, keep challenging me on this. About cupcakes. God damn it. Yeah, they eat those too, but cloud, they're made of clouds. In this situation I'm creating.

Have you guys ever seen improv before? This is how it works. Normally, we record for an hour and 15 minutes, and you get a 55-minute show, and these are the gyms you're missing out on. You can believe it. Jesus Christ. You would be robbed of cloud time.

This is my brother and my brother meet face-to-face. Three, Tokyo Drift, the cutting room floor. You at home are not hearing this, so I can say fuck anybody who doesn't live in Austin or the surrounding area. Or New Orleans. Really? There he is.

Good stuff. Angels have to eat. You know what I'm done. Do angels have to eat? Do angels have to eat? Do angels have to eat? Do angels have to eat? Let me bring it down.

Do angels have to eat? Things are getting too funny. Let's have a really intense theological discussion. What are you guys thinking about angels? If I get to heaven, taking all comers, when I get to heaven, and I become an angel,

because I think I did a pretty good job down here. Pretty sure that's how it works. I don't want to have to have the onus of eating on me. Angels will eat because they're hungry, because then, actually angels only eat to take food away from poor people. This is mine. This isn't made of clouds.

I hate it. I assume you mean non-Christian poor people. Yes. Right. Obviously. That's how they punish them. No such thing. But it's okay because they don't listen to our show.

Because they don't have iPods. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? The horse getting a present made more sense than what you're saying. Our show is the 1%. Yeah, that's all we're saying. Topical.

Jesus Christ. Shit. Hey. Hey, I'm talking to this guy who's on my paper. Hey, I'm a guy who just went on a first date with a girl today. She seemed really into me. So we'll go out again later this week.

Sounds pretty sure of himself. Well, forward. That brings me to my question. What is the Christmas gift? Did I add an extra key? The Christmas? Listen, I put the Christmas gift. What is the Christmas gift?

What is the Christmas gift giving etiquette for someone you just started dating? How much should I spend? And any gift ideas? You could give them a coupon that says they don't have to get you anything. Yeah, that's what everybody really wants, isn't it? They don't want to have to get you anything.

Oh! A coupon that says, hey, here's the coupon for let's pick this up in three weeks. You talking about a temporary breakup slip? Yeah. It's like we're going to take a break past Christmas, but we're going to kiss each other on New Year's, and then it'll be totally cool.

So they're going to be lonely for the holidays? No, because they have someone else, but just on lay-away. Such an asshole. Hey, um, don't start dating people now. Don't do that. What's wrong with you? Okay, like November 30th should be a cut-off.

Right, earlier than that. Earlier than that, I'm saying Halloween. You don't want to do that? You know what, let's just say June. If you haven't found them by June, you get their number and say, I'll call you in February. No, no, March.

March, not February. February 15th, I'll call you February 15th. Remember, remember the I's of February, because then you could hook up. But please don't forget my name, girl. I talked to you once. Hey, you're a down girl. I'm enjoying this.

I will catch you in March. But then you have to text them every couple of days, but like, you know, only a couple more weeks till we can talk again. Got my name on you. I like that idea, because I like the mental image of somebody being like, oh, fuck, it's June 25th. I better get on it.

I'm going to be lonely for the rest of the year. Who am I going to spend Independence Day with? Not that I give a fuck, because I hate all holidays. Monster. And then we invent a new holiday on June 30th called Last Call Day. That would be holy shit. That would turn the whole game on its ear.

The whole game of love. You're welcome, homework. It's no, it's not homework. It's dudes who are like, oh, I've got to get it down. It's the 30th. Everyone's going to be window shopping. It's the Last Call Day. Let's stand on the mound with some pretty shells

and do your mating call. Don't even do that. Just walk out on the sidewalk. People are going to run to you. Like, they're picking partners for Catillion. Like, come here. I'm ready. I'm ready for you.

I'm the best you'll ever do till February 15th or so. And I'll catch you then. Just listen, this is easy stuff. Just get them something related to the holiday. Yeah, Christmas, get them like that. Well, find out. How about the promise that you don't have to meet your parents? Well, that's a good start.

Christmas, you get them like a stucking. That's great. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, Christmas, you get them a stucking. Like one sock. Yeah, like a sock. For Hanukkah, you get them a dra... Like a dra...

A dradle. Like a what? A dradle? A dradle? That's good, Justin. Wait, hold on. What's a dradle, Justin? A dradle?

It's a... Made it out of clay. It is a... A dradle actually is a purple eggplant. Like... How many people know that? How many people know that? That hates holidays.

And is it... Is it fine? Justin, can you give me a Kwanzaa and also a Ramadan icon? Yeah. Kwanzaa, you will want to get them a Kwanzaa cube? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just can't solve this Kwanzaa cube. I got all the red ones matched up.

And it's a puzzle-based cube? Uh-huh. I was left there by the Transformers. The only way... The only way to stop is the Scepticons. Sab, what were key? You must take this Kwanzaa cube to the head of Mount Interdron. Take it to the peak, Sab, what were key?

Hold the Kwanzaa cube above your head. You know that Christmas is way better, in many ways. Stick by your conviction, Sab, what were key? Keep it open minds, what were key? It's just as good. This is getting weird forever once again. Have some awkward conversations with your school friends, Sab, what were key? These are our convictions.

Transformers only celebrate Kwanzaa, Sab, what were key? And Ramadan. And Ramadan. Hey, how about a Yahoo? Yeah, please. Yeah, please. Because I feel like we're like... Hey, sorry, everyone.

The next step in this comic... I'm screaming towards Unplayable for fun. Yeah. They just offended both all humans and Autobots. We're quickly moving towards the fact that Ramadan sounds like a Transformer name. And then we're going to talk about what kind of Transformer Ramadan is. It's just Ramadan that transforms and it's Ramadan-gul. And obviously the correct answer was Ramadan.

That was incorrect. Everybody knows. Ramabong? Anybody? Is that good? Pretty good. This Yahoo answer was... I don't know what religion I'm offending.

I hope it's not one of the ones... All of them. All of them. This animal... The Autobots versus the Decepticons versus the Ramagons. It's a three-way war. No one knows who's going to come out on top. I can't believe you finished your Tropic Chillers.

As it turns out, it's Sam Whitwicky. Okay, go ahead. This one was sent by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob. There's somebody wooed for him. Good work, Jacob Locker. It's by Yahoo answers user...

It's got cut off. NYC, Trim, I, and then... I don't want to know the rest. I don't either. That guy asks, Why are these cows yelling? Like, he's stabbing. You know what I mean?

They won't shut up. I live out in a field close to some farms. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How do you have the internet? Not near a field. It's up on it. Close to some farms. It's a full moon outside.

And these cows are making these loud screaming sounds. Do they do this on full moons? Or is it just them being killed by a predator? Or the predator. These tropical chillers are strong. Have you seen that new movie, Cow Worse Predator? That's actually how the catch predator guy starts. Did anybody listen for the screams of cows?

You know, I would like to think that most people, when they heard this question, are thinking like the cows are going... But I said they're going... The cows are going, Stop! Please help! Help me on the cow!

I'm being stabbed! Someone forgot to give me a gift for Secret Santa. My feelings will wicked hurt. Did anybody here have the kind of rural upbringing that would be required to shed some insight on this situation? Do cows actually scream? At the full moon. Do people...

I should fucking hope not. By the way, if you had told me that, I would have stood up and walked right out that door and never looked back. And now I have a new crusade. It's to destroy cows. So wait, so they do scream. Do they just move super loud?

Right! Jesus, that sounds awful! Whoa, whoa, whoa! One more time! Everybody quiet. Can you come up to the microphone and recreate that sound for them? Hold on, hold on.

Get up here right now. This is for our radio audience at home. Everybody, this is a howl at the moon. Say your name first. And introduce yourself to the America. Kate. Kate. And this is the sound of a screaming cow.

We're going to loop this and sound it as whether it's like tranquil tapes. This is a sound of the cow. I hate cow. This is the sound a cow makes. Man! That was awful! The worst we can say ever!

That's scary! Now, you know, I always wonder things about like, how do we get milk? How did that start? And I think if you heard a cow making that sound, you're going to try anything. You know what I want to do? I'm going to squeeze these pink things

and drink what comes out. Fuck, I don't, I have to try something. I've always been looking for a way to justify hamburgers. Yeah, right. It's our only defense. You make that sound one more fucking time. I'm getting the A1. Well, they're not screaming.

Are they screaming racist slurs, these cows? Is that how you want to eat them to punish them? What? Punk cows. What? I was imagining the cow screaming racist slurs. It didn't make any sense. I just like the mental image of it.

Next time, just maybe give me a, is there a hand signal we can work out to let me know you're going down a road like that? Sure. I might jump back real quick because I said punk cows and now I want to make a joke about them standing around wearing leather. All right, rewind it.

Okay. Do you know how you know they're punk cows? That sounded like a trantile sound. How do you know? They stand around wearing leather. That's just a scare. Don't. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Thank you, everyone. Pretty good. But are the cows, the question is why are these cows yelling? It's a trick. Come out here, Steve. Steve, we have presents. We can't.

Be cool guys. Be cool. He's coming. Steve, we can't work the VCR. Come out here, Steve. It's just flashing 12 again. Tell them that funny story you were telling me earlier, Steve. I don't tell like you tell it.

Come out. Steve. It's out here. We eat them, right guys? Now that's my problem. I don't think cows do that usually. Are you kidding me? Are the cows on the full moon?

On the full moon. There it is. Move it along. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking dare? Fuck. We know who the crowd favorite is. Yeah.

Two people managed to applaud. Enjoy your night alone. Hey, you're guts. You're out of the family. I'm just kidding. I love you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

They're billing you now. Guys, wait, wait, wait. Listen, they're still booing. Let's take a second. You might as well say they were mooing. I just turned Justin into a little girl, everyone. You brilliant son of a bitch. You got mad lives for us so you can bust out?

Let's just keep this shame train a roll. Don't actually do it. I've got a freestyle one. Who's got words? No. Stop it. How about another Yahoo? Wait, okay.

No, no, no. If you've got shit, let's do your shit. No, please go right ahead. Okay, fine. This one is sent by golly. Thank you, golly. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Totally awesome, who says?

Nope. I don't know what the question is. I'm going to predict that as an inaccurate username. But go right ahead. Unless the question is, how do I stop being so totally awesome? I'm embarrassing my friends. Help me, Yahoo. Is it a sin to have sex with a robot for the purposes of procreation?

Okay. I was right. It's not a sin. It's just really misguided. You know how some couples cannot have children? You know, because of an immune reaction by the mother. However, the husband could fertilize the wife's egg. And a child could be born if it is placed in a surrogate mother.

Right? Well, what if the surrogate mother is an android robot? A robot that is holding the wife's egg. Could the husband have sex with the robot in order for the couple to have a child? But what my book presupposes is... What if it's... Listen. Listen.

This is the guy who watched the movie Surrogates and got really confused. Why do you have to put it... Why can't you just like fucking put it in a petri dish? Why does it have to be inside of an android to do this? Or like another human! Why do you have to have sex with an android to do this thing? Gryffindor, I'm going to answer the question. I'm so sorry.

Is it a sin? Obviously, God didn't know about robots. True. No one knew about... John Park... John... Mark... Matthew...

Luke... Ringo... No one... None of them knew about robots. So it can't be a sin. That's why... There are... There's a lot of shit that God don't know about.

Yeah. Is what you're saying. Robots. The internet. Yeah. God doesn't know... You can jerk it to E-Porn in the Bible. Can't say anything about it.

Because the Bible doesn't know about the internet. Right. That's why we... My brother and my brother and me are writing Bible 2. Right. We're writing... We're writing the cyber... Cyberbible.

Cyberbible. Cyberbible for the digital age. I'll shout, not robo-freak. Not robo-freak. What is robo-freaking? Just so I... So I'm clear? How about anything where you talk about having a surrogate baby inside of a robot body?

That's a sin, I guess. I like to have that discussion and that the word sin enters into it. There's so many other things that is before it is a sin. Is it weird? Is it wrong? Is it imaginary? Is it not real in any way? Don't...

Don't... Don't fuck this robot. This robot is... I know how it looks, wearing lipstick, sneaking around in a garden. Looks great. It's got... It's got mystery. It's got intrigue.

Can it even feel things? Wait, is it a sin? Is it a girl robot? Uh-huh. You're saying... Wait! He weighed us on! Hold on!

Because you're saying if he fucks a... If this is a lady that fucks a boy robot, then it's bad. Is that what you're saying? No. Okay. You just want... You just don't want a bunch of robosexuals running around undermining family values. Hey, by the way, first Republican presidential hopeful to adopt that platform?

You've got my vote. I will... I will switch parties if you come out against robo-freaking. It is... Did you get one of those robo-calls? Yeah, I did. It was weird. It was about robo-freaking.

It was a robo-sex call. It was a robo-sex call. It was really dirty and there was lots of leaps and boops. Put it in my... Everyone knows that if it feels good, it's not a sin. Tell that to fuck poor Cyber Dave, the robot who keeps getting fucked by a human. Like, he doesn't care how it feels. He's a robot.

He doesn't even get a vote. Which, by the way, that is a sin. It's criminal. It is a sin. They've got emotions. They can decide. Their logic circuits are better than ours. Are you saying it's a sin that robots don't get to vote?

It is. Yeah, exactly. I don't think robots are advancing off yet to vote. Like, I've... Like, there are robots... Whoa! It's that kind of mentality, Griffin. There's a kind of...

No, no, no, no, no. Right. You're going to start spewing some anti-robo bullshit. This... My room butt doesn't grasp the subtle intricacies of our government system. I don't want to think that exclusively... The robots are coming here and taking our job. Yeah.

This thing... Vacuuming our floors, making our cars. If that doesn't preclude many of the flyover states from voting, I don't see why it should preclude robots. Well, most of the people who live in flyover states don't exclusively eat the Cheetos that I drop on the floor. Or maybe they do. Are you sorry?

I don't think Roombas will ever vote. Is that what you're saying to me? That's what you're saying. You just turned it back on me how to kill a mockingbird style. There was a large turnout for the 2012 election, but there was a huge turnout for the anti-dirty floors, Levy. I just called that book How to Kill a Mockingbird. I'm pretty sure it's not an instruction manual.

Use rocks and guns and stuff. Catch them in a net and then hit them with something hard and heavy. How to murder a mockingbird. Just get them. They're really tiny and fragile. You can step on them. There's lots of ways. It's easy. What do angels eat? Mockingbirds.

Feed them to an angel. Cook them. Throw fire at them. This is going to be great. What's his nickname? Mockingbird Killer. You got Yahoo or a regular question? That's not a crazy person. Where's hesitant in Houston? What?

Hi. Oh, a shadowy figure. He rises for the night. Hesitant in Houston says, I have a potential job opportunity in Salt Lake City, which is where my nuclear family lives. Whoa. However, all of my awesome friends

and the whole rest of my life is in Houston. Should I leave it all behind to join the fam and advance the career, or should I stay with the friends I love and hope for the best? It's from Hesitant in Houston. Listen, if you've got an... I don't care how awesome your friends are.

If you have a nuclear family, how much do you want to move there and focus on your half-life? That's bad. I've seen the Incredibles. Yeah, do they have alien tendrils growing out of their body? Because of the waste?

I want to know what your situation here is that you have to define it as hope for the best. You know, I believe you should be with your family. Record a podcast with them, just hang out with them, whatever. Yeah. I don't know anybody in Salt Lake City, but I'm pretty sure that's where they film sister-wise. Is that true?

It's around there. Can you get to know the sister-wise people? Because if you get in that club, there's like 45 people in it for you to just know and have in your career. Well, 45 people, 41 of which are kids. So if you want to be the guy who has a lot of little kid friends, which has worked out so well

in the past, by all means, befriend the sister-wives. Or you can be wife of a five. You can be the fifth wife in that unit and then get all the perks of being in the sister-wife unit. No, because he's a dude and then it gets weird. Oh yeah, be brother-husband.

This is my brother-husband, as in in Houston. I love him very much. I know nothing about Sally's, except that that might be where sister-wise is filmed, and that might not even be true. Don't they have a sports team? Yeah, the Jazzers.

The Jazzers-izers. Pretty sure it's not the Jazzers. I say family beats friends any day of the week. In a fight. Yeah. Unless your family sucks. Are you moving there from Austin?

Yeah. What, you're even... No, no, no. That was a good burn. In my defense, I drank like half of a tropical chiller's. I swear to... Now the onus is back on you. How many tropical chiller's have you drank?

Repost. Griffin, you got a yahoo? I know someone who's not getting a picture with us later. Ooh. Pretty much everyone, because we'll be passed out in the dressing room. We're going to black out on tropical chiller's. Did you go to my brother and my brother? Let me show you guys the last one.

It was really funny for the first 40 minutes, and then the tropical chiller's caught up with him. Griffin, help me out. Oh, God, this one is sent by Alithia Eckhardt. Thank you, Alithia. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Julia, who asks, Does anyone know where to find a gargoyle nativity set? I'm looking to find a nativity set

in the form of gargoyles. Any suggestions are helpful. Thanks. Not any suggestions. I bet the ones that we're going to have are not going to be particularly useful in my nightmares. Did? Are there other monsters that are getting

their own nativity sets that I didn't know about? Does anyone know where to find a werewolf nativity set? Yeah. It's like baby Jesus halfway through transformation. They didn't follow a star, they followed the full moon. We brought him frankincense and silver bullets.

I... Why do you need a gargoyle nativity set? You know, we don't take the time to ask the obvious questions and I'm here with my brother and brother. What are you doing with them? So their gargoyle friends don't feel left out. Yeah, right.

Oh, wait, they're Jewish. Well, I guess they... They don't do that at all. No, and I don't think they think it starts off right there. Wait, were you thinking of the golem? That's what it was. We'll just edit this one out later.

This is a director's cut goof for everybody here. Hey, let's say more things about Kwanzaa that we don't understand. I think anybody can appreciate the Kwanzaa cube gag. I've been working on that for ages. Can we help this person out and find monster theme nativity sets anywhere?

This is my problem. To have a gargoyle theme nativity set at some point, some stone mason or carver would have to sit there and go, I'm sick of all this human stuff. I know what the people want. Gargoyle babies. I need a Jesus with wings and a beak.

Also, he has made him stone. A perch is a high upon a watchtower. I don't think Jesus would be in a watchtower. I think we've got to stick with the major or else it's not really nativity. Keep perches on the edge of a manger. Yeah, because there's no room for him to perch. And then they say, get back in that manger, Jesus.

Yeah, you're a baby. That's dangerous. Watch out for the gargoyle cow, Jesus. There were no perches left on the end. So we had to perch. The real lie that this set tells is that you can get gargoyles to sit still for anything. You get a bunch of them in a room together

and they're going to start arguing. They're going to start having a political fight and it's going to be a real disaster. Humans, you can get them to stand around even cows and sheep and stuff. I have been trying to reference the TV show Gargoyles for a while. I have been trying to do it in a way that wasn't just saying

gargoyles, the TV show. Hey, you guys are at Cartoon. I have gargoyles in it. I almost said that one of the wise men would have to be voiced by Jonathan Frakes. Jesus. Like it's a real deep cut. I'm really going out to the bone yard for this one.

I would really love to see the look on your face as you look around the audience like, guys, Jonathan Frakes? Anyone? How about that Jonathan Frakes groove? Has the stars at night come bright? Yeah, it gets you anything. That's our fucking zip line.

Bad news, everybody. That's the ripcord. So after this, we are working without a net. You got anything else, Griffin? Do you have anything else to say? I do, but it's a question you hate and you don't want me to read. Oh, do it. Don't read this fucking question. Read it as loud as you can. It was sent by Lin W.

Can we just end the show instead of that? That's by Yann, who answers user KoopyKoo, who asks. I am against this. For the next 30 seconds, Justin is going to check out. How do I tell my girlfriend that her thing down there looks weird? Like everyone else does. It was the first time I ever saw it on a woman

and it looked weird. How do I tell her? Hold up. It was the first time you ever saw it on a woman? I was looking through the tree line and I saw it. It inspired me, like sunshine through the boughs.

The first time I heard dubstep, it was weird to me. You have to get used to these things. Hey, have you ever seen Skrillex's vagina? It's like wicked weird looking. I feel that this is like a whole avenue that a hallmark

could go down and just like a series of cards on the front says, hey baby, I love you so much and there's like a beautiful sunrise and then you open it and just says, but your vagina is weird. Your business region is like what? Your downtown area is like, what the fuck? You have to broach it with her

scientifically. You have to say, hey listen and push your glasses up your nose. Push your glasses up your nose and say, listen I need to see some of your friends vaginas because right now I'm going to need to do a side by side comparison. Yeah, I have no basis. This is

purely scientific, you understand. Clinical, a clinical study of a friend Darlene's vagina. I want you to read that just the first sense of that answer. Rosie says, you're going to destroy her self-esteem if you tell her so find a way to communicate that doesn't involve

making her feel gross. If her entire self-esteem is based upon the beauty of her vagina. I don't have a lot of things going for me. Man, it's my vagina great. I would like to formally apologize for thinking we shouldn't

read this question because it's gone great so far. What a gem. One for the record books, I'd say. I'm pretty sure that nobody with vaginalist is to our show. Oops.

Sorry. We should end this. Thank you guys. I want to hear Griffin's last question but first I should say thank you to all who have come to our show from Austin, the surrounding area, New Orleans. Thank you guys for coming. You're like the best people in the whole world.

Thank you so much. Sorry about that stuff I said about nobody with vaginalist. I feel bad about today. There's a lot of people. It's just looking around the room. There's like 30 to 40 vagina to people. That is what they prefer, right?

That's the PC term. That's the PC term. There's a lot of vaginids. The vaginids among you. The vaginies. The vaginies. I can't say that word anymore for the rest of my life.

I burned them all this, this night. Thank you. If anybody wants to see superfruit gummies, we got them up here. You got plenty of extras. Don't be shy. Don't eat more than two of the acai's. You'll freak out. You can buy and say hi and get a picture

and get something signed and buy a poster if you want the 10 bucks. Where are we going to after we're done here? We're going to the kung fu saloon. They have ski ball. Free ski ball. Free ski ball. Were you guys just disappointed

that the ski ball is free? I can't tell you it's real low level ski. I was going to be calm on it. Special thanks to everyone who upped out with the show tonight. Thank you. Justin, Tanner, Jordan. Thank you everybody.

Thanks to the blue theater for having us. Thanks blue theater. I want to thank the creators of tropic chillers with a Z. Don't tell them about all the mean things we said about them. Your shit tastes so bad. They probably don't have a lot going for them. Except for their beautiful vaginas.

Griffin, go ahead with the last question. This final yahu was sent by nefariousity. Thank you nefariousity. This final yahu answers user Zoro who is a top contributor. Who asks? Star Wars fans, can a Jedi mind trick to induce labor?

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. School away on the lake. Happy new year. Happy new year. Happy new year.

Happy new year. Happy new year. Happy new year. Happy new year. Happy new year. Keep your heart protest. Keep your heart hate. Keep your heart protest.

These girls are smart. Play your part.