My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 85: Candlenights 2011 Special

Episode Date: December 27, 2011

It's our second annual Candlenights special, and you know that means! Actually, you might not, since it's only the second time we've done it. Oh, well, it means that we go the whole episode without dropping any profane language, so you can share it with your innocent, nubile ears. Also, you shouldn't say "nubile ears" in front of them, because that's kind of profane. Suggested talking points: Raspberry Pillow, The Long Con, Santa Baby, Trampires, 1 P.E., Christmas Conspiracy, Forever Lazy, Mistlesmooch, Measure Your Year in Gifts, The Briefness, Unwanted Twilight, Cat Buglary

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to our, um, our Yule Tide sort of now flowed into Boxing Day. Don't miss it, or you'll be sorry. Okay, well, is our Yule Tide, uh, observation of candle knights? I am your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy, and I'm more embarrassed by that joke I just made. I'm a baby. I am a baby. I'm a man-sized baby.

And my name is Griffin McElroy. Baby G. Big T. Daddy J. Here with you again. My brother, my brother made an advice show for the modern era. This is a time for you to gather with your family and say, hey, I got this show. It's, it's for you sometimes. It's for you sometimes. Once in a great while, it's for you. There's 51 episodes in a year that you should not listen to because it gets coarse, I would say, the subject matter and language that we use. It's quite blue. It gets blue and coarse, but not this time. This time it, this weekend, it's red and smooth. It's nice and smooth. It's like a rough, most of the time it's like a rough blueberry bramble patch, and you don't want to go through that bramble patch because it's sharp. There are sharp edges

and it's blue. But this is like a raspberry pillow. This is a raspberry pillow for you to sleep on. Come with us. No curse words. Here we go. No curse words in this episode. Merry candle knights to all, and to all a good episode. Here, yeah, well, we'll see if we can do that, that cursing. I don't hold that a lot of hope. Uh, hey guys, my girlfriend and I were debating about giving children gifts early. I believe giving kids grifts. I believe grifting my kids is wrong because, uh, the long con rarely works on four year olds. Uh, it doesn't do anything detrimental harm to them and it's perfectly fine as long as it's approximately by the holiday they are going to get the presents for anyway. She thinks it would make the kids impatient and

possibly demean the holiday. We would appreciate your help in deciding who is right. Feuding, face off in Florida. How are you supposed to get, how are you supposed to get all excited for Christmas Eve and for ho ho to come if ho ho already came on like December the 20th? Well, here's the solution. What if they got to open their presents, but then you're like, okay, that's what you get. And then you rewrap it and then they open them again on Christmas. Travis, I don't think outside of some like wacky memento or if you will clean slate scenario that, that goof is going to work. What if you offered them like an envelope full of money or they can take what's in box number two? Hold on. I need a paper towel. Did you spill

Justin? This was supposed to be an edit free episode. Justin has spilled coffee all over his charger. Um, we have moments left before the computer shuts down, before the house burns all the way down to the ground with all of our gifts down inside of it. Hey, did you guys listen to that candle lights episode? Yeah, it was real good. Did they all died in the fire? I think we're not the right people to talk to about this because we decided to be elected to save our our candle lights episode for the day after candle lights happened. No, candle lights is a long celebration. It goes two months. It goes to like mid February. Oh my God. I know. Um, but when it starts is always a question. Yeah, that's the question. The question, well, it doesn't start

until we do this episode. Oh, okay. Right. Um, so I think it's bad because kids, I in this world in my life as a 31 year old man, I don't have to wait for anything anymore. I don't get excited about anything. I don't get excited about anything because I can just get it. If I want a new Rachel Ray 12 inch skillet with nonstick coating, I just buy it on Amazon and get it the next day. Yeah. $2.99. I mean, I, I, I miss looking forward to something that much and like your kids are going to be older and then next year after December 12th, we're all going to be dead. So why not let them look forward to Chris's one more time. Um, I think it's December 20th. So don't rob us of those precious eight days that we're going to. Also as a parent, I am not a parent yet.

Big announcement everybody, but I imagine as a parent, you get drunk on that power of your kids are powerless. They can't buy anything. Oh yeah. Your kids are poor and they can't buy anything, but you can buy everything because you're rich. Um, so why not lord that power over them? Like, I know what you got and you don't because you're a kid and you've never bought anything for yourself in your life. Unless I give you like an allowance and you go to KB toys and buy yourself a super soaker or something. I'm saying drink in that power. Just enjoy it. Ride that way as long as it'll take you. What if you convince your kids that like, yeah, you can open the present, but then you don't get any other presents. And then, and then you kind of like laugh when you

say like, huh, you went over that, but you won't get any other. And they're like, oh, we want to open. You're like, okay. And then they open and then Christmas morning, nothing is everything's gone. And you're like, see what you did? Cause you're greed and avarice. You get nothing and you teach them the hardest lesson. You can have these presents, but let's see you dance first. You know what? Now that, now that it's the day after Christmas, what you should do is really mess with them, get back that power trip and just put something else under the tree. Say, oops, just 364 more days and you'll be turning into this bad boy. Leave it there all year. Let him, let him know who's boss. I'm ready for it. Why are you like, you're like pushing against

me because you're pushing me out of the way. I own the couch. Hey, Griffin. You want a Yahoo? Yeah. Yeah. That's what we need. This Yahoo was, this Yahoo was sent in by Krista Whalen. Thank you, Krista Whalen. It is by Yahoo Answers user Angie who asks, what is the best Christmas song to strip to? Can we talk about this, our family show? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. As long as we keep the answers clean. Okay. Yeah. I'm doing a strip tease as part of my boyfriend's Christmas present. I have the Naughty Santa costume. I just don't know what song to use. Any suggestions? I wonder if you're just not getting that present. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with the holiday strip tease and the Naughty Santa costume? Why did she spend so much on the hottest Santa,

Naughty Santa costume if she wasn't going to do the strip tease for her BF? She really backed into this idea. I think she should have probably picked the song first and then gone out and spent $72 at Magic Makers to pick up the... Well, it depends on the song that you're stripping to. If you're going to strip to like Santa, baby, for instance, you want to put on a diaper and a Santa hat. That's true. And because that'll really ram home the theme. It'll really take it to sexy time. Yeah. If you're going to do Little Drummer Roy, you need some bongos, well-placed bongos. If you're going to dance, if you're going to strip to the Christmas classic, someone chopped off my arms, you're going to need commitment. You're going to need to really buy into the bit.

Actually, it's funny that you mentioned Santa, baby. That is, according to the best answer as chosen by Asker, number one is Santa, baby. It screams strip tease, she says. No, it's the steve-iest Christmas song. In that list is also Blue Christmas, which I could see. I mean, it's a slow Christmas song. Also on that list is Have a Holly Jolly Christmas. No. Unless her name is Holly. Or Jolly. Still, I think it would be a little too fast-paced. It would be too much. Yeah. She just passes out of the end. Do the Charleston. Get those Flappernies going. Is that what those are called? Flappernies? Yeah. Wait, Justin, I feel that you contradicted when I said Santa, baby, was the steve-iest song.

What's the steve-iest Christmas song? The steve-iest Christmas song is Grapinino. Baby, it's cold outside. That's the steve-iest. Especially when you get like some creeps, or like you get like Willie Nelson and Nora Jones singing it together. Isn't there a line and there's something about my mother will worry? Or my family will worry? And then there's the line where he's like, no, just drink this. Drink this. You can have to drink this. It's so tasty. Believe me. Yeah, I have to get away. Yeah, no one knows that you're here. I'll call you a liar. It never happened. The holidays are inherently unsexy, right? I don't think Christmas is sexy. I don't think

there's much sexy about Christmas about Fat Dude who comes into your house's exhaust pipe and leaves you gifts, none of which are sexy because your grandpa is there. And he's like, what's that? You can't have a sexy thing in that box. I would like to see the follow-up to this question. It's like, well, the striptease went well, but I probably should have waited till after the family Christmas to do it. My boyfriend kept saying, what'd you get me? What'd you get me? What'd you get me? And I was on the spot. Yeah, it is uncomfortable when you have to open your gifts in front of your family. And I'm sorry, a striptease just isn't a very good present because you can internet that, you know what I'm saying? And then it's over in how long is Santa

Baby? Three minutes? Over in three minutes. And then it's like, oh, your present's gone, vanished into thin air, into the ether. Unless it's like the ability to call for a striptease at any moment. A book of a hundred striptease coupons. Good for one wholly inappropriate thing. He used it in July. That's a gift that keeps on giving. Hey, Christmas tradition for us to adjudicate on. My two sisters and I have one incredibly important tradition, disaster-themed gingerbread houses. We've done tornadoes, gingerbread house foreclosures, Godzilla rampaging through gingerbread Tokyo, and last year it was a combo, oil spill and wiki leaks. That's relevant. I don't know what a wiki leaks looks like in a gingerbread house.

I don't know what wiki leaks is. Oh, good. Is that when Wikipedia stopped working for a week? It's when Wikipedia got a venereal disease. Oh, yeah. Christmas. There's the problem with this year, is that there were a lot of truly really rough disasters. I mean, you could go tsunami, not funny. Not funny at all, actually. That's pretty horrible. You could make a tsunami gingerbread house, but then you would lose your job at Geico. Could you do an Occupy Wall Street gingerbread house? Here, we'll try it again. You lose your job at Afflack, it was a duck voice. That's what I do instead of laughing now. Can you do Occupy Wall Street gingerbread house?

I think you have to do Occupy Wall Street. Just a bunch of gingerbread tents and hippies. Do that and twilight. Spray it with some sort of orange glaze. What if you combine twilight and Occupy Wall Street and like everything was going well with the Occupy Wall Street movie and then the vampire set in. What if the vampire, oh my god, what if Occupy Wall Street people are vampires? Think about it. Here's what I'm saying. What better place to hide in plain sight? We already know that 99% of the people you know in your day-to-day life are vampires. The other 1% are robots. 50% of those vampires and robots are wizards. And another 33% are robot wizard vampires. Okay, that's a horrifying Venn diagram you've just

created. Yeah, and 0.001% the mythological Jewish golem. So just to keep it holiday themed. The Golem comes at Hollenka, right? I would suggest, I think that this is a good Christmas tradition. There's a lot of creativity, which I like. There's working together, creating something edible, which is always good. Next year you're going to be able to turn it out. Oh my god. Just pictures of Quetzkotl and Ragnarok battling for supremacy. So it's going to happen a bunch of ancient gods are going to come. They're going to walk the earth. It's going to be Quetzkotl, Ragnarok, and Kevin Sorbo, battling for supremacy. Both of his fists are chupacabras. But John Cusack caught in the middle of it all. John Cusack run with your family.

You're not saying John Cusack is a god, right? No, I'm saying he is our window into the situation. We can see it through John Cusack's eyes, and that's how we know how it affects us. John Cusack is the universal humanity's representative. He is, but not a god. But not well. You never seen him play pop pop golf. I mean not a traditional god, but I mean he's a god among men. Sure. Do you guys want a yahoo or do you want to keep talking about Cusack? No, no, no. I'm not going to keep thinking about Cusack when he's not. Oh, this is fun. Crystal Whalen sent this one in too. Thank you, Crystal Whalen. It's by a yahoo answers user Superfreak who asks, I think I know who tried to kill me. Okay, sorry for the fake title. Just wanted to make it more interesting and something

to get your attention. Don't report it. Anyways, have a merry Christmas, everybody. And yeah, that's all I wanted to say. Wow. Isn't that sweet? Wow. That's not a question, really. It's not. I just wanted to pass along yahoo's Christmas wishes to everybody. That's what passes for holiday greetings over there. Okay, wait. So this is my issue with this. This girl, this person, wanted to wish everyone happy holidays, merry Christmas, and she thought the best way to get everyone's attention to do that, to let them know that there had been an attempt on her life and she thinks she know who did it. Do you know how many people have wished me happy holidays this year? How many? I can't even count a billion, though, if I were to guess roughly one sixth of the world's population. So

it doesn't matter anymore. But if someone ran up to me and bit me on the face and said, I'm a dog person, I'm a dog, I'm half dog, half man, I said, what are you talking about? And they said, just kidding, happy holidays. Also enjoy the rabies. That one's going to mean something to me. You're going to remember that. I'm going to remember that. Well, yes. Let's have another yahoo. What do you think? That makes sense. This one's sent in by horse lover fat. Thanks, horse lover fat. It's by yahoo answers user touch my pigtails and die. Who asks? Oh no. If you were a legitimate vampire, as 99% of the world is, who would you surprise with the gift of eternal life this Christmas? For me, it would be Bob from accounting. He has nice hair and it deserves to

look that way forever. Wow. A legitimate vampire. Not one of these fakey, not one of these fly by night. Johnny come lately vampire. Not one of these kids that go to the mall on a hot topic and they buy the fangs and they put them on their teeth and they bite each other. Yeah. And then they get sick from the bites. From the bites and the Chinese made fake fangs. They've made a lead and get sick from putting them in your mouth and then from putting them in the neck. I don't know if I can say this or not, but I think I would give that eternal life to the Pope. Make him forever Pope. Oh no. You're enjoying John Ratsenberg that much that you're going to keep him as a turnip? I just kind of like the idea of forever Pope. I feel like you could really get a lot done.

That's impossible. Think about it. If he... None of us are Catholic, by the way. No. If you're a vampire, you can't... How is your day going to be? He wears a cross on his hat. It's going to be unpleasant. It's going to be unpleasant. It's a labor of love. I'm going to live forever and I'm going to have migraines the whole time because there's a cross on my hat. Like, what are you talking about? The Pope is the worst. I don't know anybody... His whole style's going to have to change. I mean, that's obvious. I don't know anybody with more day-to-day cross exposure than the Pope. Okay, then I'm going to switch to David Boreonis. Well, that's a little on the nose. Yeah, he's a Pope of my heart. Well, I know he can do it. I've seen him succeed as a vampire previously.

You are the only one I know that can handle this power. I can't... Enjoy doing bones forever. I can't just aim sponsors with it. He'll probably just go to a comic book convention and try to make seventy-five dollars. I'm going to say Ellen. Why Ellen? Here's my reasoning. Can you imagine a world after Ellen, post Ellen, PE? Can you imagine the year one PE? I cannot and I don't think the world could either. I don't want to imagine. I just want to see her dance and she'll dance the whole show and never get tired because she's a vampire and then she'll get angry at her guests. You get tired because like when you're a vampire you can pretty much dance forever. Can I do Robert Pattinson just as like payback? Surprise. Surprise. Now you live forever.

Oh, what if you gave him eternal life and then immediately staked him to the heart? Just like right away. One, two, punch. Well, that would just be that would be murder. Or could you get it around the murder charge? Because that is undead. He was a vamp. Yeah, you can't. You cannot be tried for killing a vamp. Okay. That's true. Or a tramp. You get one from a rail car. Or a scam. Or a scam. Yeah, out of here. Oh, now I've got it. I'm going to turn all of the rail riders, all of the lovable hobos into vampires. Oh my god. Hey, ABC. I will sell you the series that I just created. Boxcar vampires. Beautiful boxcar vampires that ride the rails at 40k. Boxcar trampires. Boxcar trampires. Boxcar trampires. What they'll do is they'll

go around and have premarital sex and then they'll go to college. And some of them learn a little bit about love, but a lot about themselves. Yeah. And one of them is Nef Campbell. More like matronly, I think. I would have gone with Misha Barton because she looks vampiric in the face read. She does, right? She looks hollow. Her and Tilda Swinton, I think would be it. Tilda Swinton could be her mom. Can we sign Tilda on? I'm not ready for TV. You get to play a boxcar vampire. Where do I sign? Yeah. How many times do I have to sign to be a boxcar vampire? That is an undeniable role. I want you to know that sounds like Russell Brand doing an impression of Tilda Swinton. How about Russell Bay the vampire? What's he doing? Russell, he already

looks like he lives in a boxcar. Whatever the opposite of eternal life is, I would like to give to Russell Brand, I think. I'd like to give him like 32nd life remaining. Have one. Just to see what he does. Only now do I know what means to truly live. And then he's dead. Let's move on. Let's keep the flow going. Yeah, sounds good. My mom tells me the story of how once as a child, I noticed that the presents were wrapped in the same wrapping papers previous year. And shortly thereafter, the whole parents bring the presents deal had to be revealed. At what age and how did you all discover this parental Christmas conspiracy? Brian in Baron Quilla. It's Columbia. First of all,

wait, what? Wait, I'm going to read this again. Okay. My mom sometimes tells me the story of how once as a child, I noticed the presents were wrapped in the same wrapping papers previous year and shortly thereafter, the whole parents bring the presents deal had to be revealed. Like, wait a minute. The parent, what? The parents bring the presents to Santa Claus and Santa Claus delivers them and it seems like an awfully circuitous. No, I think Santa Claus brings the presents to the parents and the parents distribute them appropriately. I don't think Santa, I don't think, uh, Ho Ho seems her clues would operate with a middleman like that. I think he would. Why, why is his prices are so high? What is it? Cut out the middleman. Yeah.

There's a lot of overhead in the holiday delivery operation. To my knowledge, if there is this conspiracy of parents bringing the gifts from Santa Claus to underneath the tree, I have not been made aware of it. You know what else is a conspiracy that 9-11 was caused by aliens was the Illuminati's work. Right. And that's total fakey Hollywood BS. Santa Claus is Illuminati. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I jumped in in the end there. No, Santa Claus is Paul Joomati in the film Fred Claus. I can understand how you'd be confused. I'm not sure I understand what, I think this is one of those tinfoil hat nut jobs. Yeah. Yeah. Loose change, right? Loose sleigh. I get it. I just want to throw out that going with the concept that parents bring the

presents or whatever. If your parents, if you called them on that the wrapping paper was the same as last year and your parents couldn't talk their way out of that, man, they're not good at lying or they just gave up or you were like 14. Yeah, that's not a good way to get out of that situation. Oh yeah. The wrapping papers. Yeah, it was us, whatever. Why would Santa need to buy in your, okay. This is what I feel personally in my heart and new people at home may have a different opinion on this, but I feel like Santa Claus doesn't wrap anything. Yeah. No, he's all the phones. Santa Claus brings the, is he just the delivery man? Is that his only duty? All he does is brings him, eats some cookies and jams out. Santa Claus is like Amazon. The parents put in

the call for presents, he brings them. I'm not comfortable with that either. I like that there's a man somewhere in the world who I've never met nor will I ever see who knows the darkest recesses of my heart, knows what material objects I want. That's the scariest thing to me because he knows that when I watch TV and the forever lazy comes on, there's something that clicks in my head and goes, well, it looks like Travis is getting a forever lazy this year and I don't want anyone to know that I want the forever lazy. Here's the other thing is that Santa Claus was the only person that knew that this year for Christmas, I wanted a drive angry shot in 3D on Blu-ray. Did he get it for you, Griffin? Santa Claus did get that for me. Yeah, but he told, he used Travis as his

envoy. It came to me in a dream. Santa Claus appeared and said, hello. Griffin needs a drive angry. Travis was, for a moment, made Santa flesh on earth. That's what you're saying. Santa made corporeal. What's your best Christmas present ever? We asked you guys to tell us and our friend Cole said, I've gotten tons of video games and stuff for Christmas, but nothing beats my blanket. By the way, I'm doing that to people now. I'm putting in weird inflections. I'm a tallish dude and no blankets were long enough, so my mom made me a very long fleece blanket by hand. I'm still using it seven years later. You said that so precociously. That's my blanket. Touch that world. It beats my blanket. Don't touch my blanket. I mean, blankets are great.

I'm surprised that yours, I'm a rough sleeper. I sleep rough on my blankets, so like they don't last longer than two or three years. I got me a Scotty blanket, a Scottish Terrier themed blanket about like a decade ago. Went to college with me, moved back to West Virginia, then to Cincinnati. Still have it. Use it every day. It's made out of real Scotty skin. Yeah, and that's how you know it's good quality. I think every time you get a present, you should look at it and give it a shake and say, I don't know, it's no blanket. Throw it aside. I'm too tall for this book. Make a taller book for me. My mommy made a bigger book. I'm still using that book. I'm still using it. That's my tall book I've used for seven years.

This is an extra long slanket. Now what's the, hold on, I need to take a time out. What's a forever lazy? Forever lazy is like the next form of snuggie, but it's like a full, like it wraps around your leg. It's like a onesie with a hood that's a blanket and zips down. It's got compartments. So if you're a dude, you get the zipper to use for the bathroom and it's got back zippers so you can keep it on while you use the restroom. Nope, nope, nope. It's more or less like somebody looked at the sweatsuit and said this could be lazier. And you said that you, in secret, secret heart of yours, that you want one of these. You want an article of clothing that, let me get this straight, you can poop through. You want an article of clothing that you

can make bathrooms. The only thing I want it is because in the commercial, it seems to indicate that you could wear this to a tailgate party at a football stadium and no one would say anything to you about it. Everyone would be like, hey, sweet forever lazy, Steve. That's funny Travis, because it sounds like this art of cool clothing has a tailgate. It does. It has a little, a little portal. I have to take exception with the whole premise of your question. As everyone knows, the next evolution of the Snuggie is a closed garage door three hours and a car engine running and the courage to do what's right and the courage to do what's right. Exactly. No, I wish they made a Snuggie that was like separate for your legs and your chest and instead of being made out of

like a sweatsuit, it was like nice formal wear. You mean like a tuxi? Like a tuxi. Yeah, like a or just a nice shirt. A tuxi. A nice blouse and a casual skirt. So you're saying like clothes, like you wish they made clothes. A class Snuggie. I guess that's what I'm saying. I don't know what situation you would be. Is that business casual? Casual casual? Formal casual? I forgot one thing, the slacks also have a tiny zipper in the back that you can unzip and just go wild in the bathroom, just go crazy in there. Don't even, somebody walks, that's my biggest fear in this life, is that I'm going to be at a gas station in Louisiana somewhere using the car, like a gas station bathroom and someone walks in on me and sees, sees my treasure. So now he walks in

and just sees you in a tuxi. Sees you sitting in formal change. And he's going, oh, don't mind me. I mean, I wouldn't wear a suit jacket to the bathroom Travis, but I'd be wearing formal slacks and a cummerbund. They couldn't see anything. That actually, I'm going to get this real for candle nights. When I was a kid, I was eight years old. I know this story. We were traveling. It's not funny. It's horrifying. It is not funny, but you can get, come on, get up in here. There was a, I was at Cracker Barrel. We were on a road trip. There was a Cracker Barrel and I was at the bathroom reading newspaper and I was making a tuxi and a guy comes up to the crack in the door and he's wearing a tank top and he looks like a, some sort of vagrant, but he's looked, he starts

looking in and then he pulls inside his tank top to show me his nipple of spirits and goes, and then it runs out. And I said, okay, like out loud, like really loud to try to scare away or something. And that, that happened to me. So I guess, I guess what I'm saying is very Christmas. We're Cracker Barrel. We're pedophiles eat. We're pedophiles. You're down home pedophile kitchen. Come on, eat. Look at some kids on the John and play some checkers. Everything's okay. You all right, Justin? Yeah, I just went to, took me to sort of a weird place. Yeah. Maybe a yahoo? Maybe a yahoo. Oh God. That'll bring it out. It already is out. I need something to stuff it back down. This one was sent in by Krista Whelan. Thank you, Krista. It's by Yahoo. God. I know,

she sent in like 30. It's by Yahoo answers user, mycroft, who asks, what are some awkward places to hang mistletoe? Belt buckle. Gallows. Funny, awkward, uncomfortable or bizarre places to hang mistletoe? Shanks. On the top of the coffin. Oh man. What? It's Christmas. Yeah. Oh gosh. The top of the speculum? I don't know what that means. Okay. Um, what is it like? What's a funny, awkward place to hang? You know what I really like? On your belt buckle. That's hysterical. No, I already said that one. We know we're commenting on the comedy. Belt buckles was good. Yeah. Or about on the back, what about on the back belt loop of your pants? So it looks like you're saying, kiss my fanny. That's what I reduced to for candle lights. You have to say fanny. Now just so you

know, Griffin, in many countries that aren't America, fanny means something completely different. Is that true? Yeah. I didn't know that. What does it mean? That's dirty. I don't want to know about it because it's candle lights. No, you don't. What about anywhere? Anywhere in the world? Anywhere that you hang mistletoe is always awkward and terrible. Seriously, guys, have you ever been, you've been, we've all been on this planet for between like 28 and 31 years or no, like 25 years, right? 24. But that's okay. Yeah. It's Christmas. You don't know my age. That's all. I asked you for Christmas for a card. A birth certificate. I wanted you and Obama to give me a birth certificate. Like, have you guys ever been to a Christmas party or a gathering or somebody's house where

there was actually mistletoe on display? Yes, but not until recently. I went to a party and I walked into the kitchen. Hold on, wait, this story sounds like it's going to be long. Will it also be funny? Yeah, it's very short. Is it linked to the humor? Let me assuage your fears. It's very short, but not funny. Okay, break on through then. I walked into the kitchen and looked up and there was a mistletoe hanging in the middle of the room and around the perimeter of the room were eight guys looking really uncomfortable waiting for a girl to walk into the room. What are you doing? Look up. You got me. Get some chap's tech. Get your bird's bees. It's smooching time. I can't, I don't, maybe this was a fever dream, but I feel like I went to a boy girl party

in middle school where mistletoe was hung aloft from the rafters, like something that you hang from rafters. I think it's the most awkward thing in the world and I wish we would stop doing it. I've never been smooched. No, thanks to Mistletoe. Okay. Yeah, I don't think that's a real thing people are doing. Are there any good answers? The Fifth Street Overpass, the end of my dog's tail. That's awful. And last but certainly not least, all on your mom. Okay, it was funny for a minute. I don't actually, above the toilet. Kiss the toilet. Kiss that toilet before you use it. In the oven. Well, I guess. Isn't that how Virginia Woolf died? What? Looking for mistletoe? Yes, Virginia Woolf. There is mistletoe in the oven. Just keep looking.

Keep looking. Keep looking. Ah, darn it. We lost her. On the cat's litter box. What's up with people wanting to kiss cat butts? Hey, hey, everybody in Mistletoe, you know that you don't just have to kiss whatever inanimate object. It's not like a binding contract. On your dad's wardrobe. The litter box. On a table lamp. Lightswitch. Come here, lightswitch. Well, I guess that there's mistletoe there, so I have no choice, I suppose. Every time that I've ever been confronted with mistletoe, in terms of like, hey, mistletoe, I always just go, no, and walk away. There's no penalty. Cassandra says, put it in the guy's locker room, smiley face. I don't think that's going to play out how you

think it's going to play out. Good game, Brock. Hey, Brock, come here. Did you just name them Brick and Brock? Hello, Brock. Hello, Brick. I guess we should have seen this coming. Christmas law, boys. It's Brick. I know, Brock. Why are we so adherent to it? Hey, good hockey. Come here. That's hockey sweater. Let me take it off of you while I kiss you under the mistletoe. Hey, what's going on in here? Get out of here, Brock. Get out of here, Brock. Brick and Brock, kiss in. Come over here, Brick. You're cool. Brick. I'm just kissing your eyes. It's pronounced Bruce for the last time. It's Bruce. It's Bruce. I'm a 24-year-old dude, and I really just enjoy giving presents to my friends. I don't give expensive or ostentatious gifts. I generally just enjoy

being able to find and give a thoughtful gift. My problem is, I was feeling slighted or annoyed if my friends can't even bother to return the favor. That's how it looks to me when you say, oh, you are. Am I giving gifts for the wrong reason, or should I expect a bit of courtesy from my close friends? That's from Josh. Hey, Josh, you are taking a turn right in the middle of that question. We're like, I just like giving my friends presents. Turn? Oh, man, my friends have given me presents back. Yeah, I don't know. I just like giving presents, and I guess I also like getting them very much. I wish that that second part was happening. I mean, it has less to do with the fact that you're not getting back possessions that you can then have and add to your vault,

but that it makes it awkward when you get someone a present and they don't get you a present back. It makes it awkward for both parties. I think that you have to... I think we might have talked about this before, but I think the best thing to do is keep in your car non-perishable like 10 to $20 presents. But don't... If you know, you can look around at the people in your life and know like, they're not going to get me a present. Yeah. If you see something for them that you're just like so moved, like, oh, man, he loves, you know, these tiny figurines and you see those tiny figurines and it's like a buck, grab it for him. But it's not a contract. You're not making an unsoak and deal with him like, hey, I got you this. So where's my thing? I have a dumpster's worth

of Ferrero Rocher cartons in the trunk of my Toyota Matrix that I just keep like, oh, thanks. One sec. I left yours in the car. I forgot yours in the car. It's not wrapped. It's Ferrero Rocher's. It's half-eaten. I hope you like Hazelnut. It smelled just like it sounded. I thought your gift to me was that you're going to mispronounce Hazelnut. It's Hazelnut. Actually, you're the one mispronouncing it if you read the original German translation of the word, Hazelnut. You, I actually genuinely like getting people gifts. If you have a friendship with somebody, then you have to ask yourself, look back at the past year. Didn't they do some, I know that every friend that I have has done something for me or been considerate in some way for me over the past

year that makes, that is worth more to me than whatever gift they would otherwise get. That's a good way of looking at it. A phone call when I'm feeling sick or helping me out with a project or whatever it is. They picked up a movie tab or call you dinner. If you think back over the past year, I'm sure that person has done something. If they haven't done something that merits a $10 present, then maybe you need to reevaluate your friendship. But I bet if you think about it, there's probably something that's happened that just makes you want to get them a present because you care about them. Now, does that mean that they, that you should be hurt if they, you know, don't get you something? No, absolutely. Absolutely it should. No, no, no, it shouldn't. For all you

young guys out there, I'm going to clue you into something that I think is, is the best thing for the holiday season for this very reason. And it's Christmas cards. It's something that says, hey, you're my friend and I was thinking about you on Christmas and Merry Christmas. Sorry, there's no toys in this. I forgot to put the check in. I forgot any toys. Yeah, I mean, you, you are giving gifts for the wrong reason. If you really like giving people gifts, do it for yourself because it makes you feel good. But I mean, honestly, at this point of my life, the best gift someone could give me is to tell me that they don't, that I don't have to find a place to put a thing. Like you don't have to spit, you find a place to put this. So Merry

Christmas, I guess. I evaluate my whole year by the number of boxes under my candle mites, candle holder. Right. Have you been a very good boy? There's only one way of finding out. There's only one way of finding out my year's successes and failures. Yeah. Today, this, this year I ended up with 22. 22 boxes or 22 successes and failures? 22 boxes, which I guess translates over to 22 successes. I was shooting for 30 though. So I guess I wasn't as good a boy as I thought I was. Ow, CJ. My cat's trying to interrupt the show by attacking Griffin. Hey, here's a Christmas tradition. Many Wombat and I have decided all our Christmases will be spent watching Nicholas Cage movies and ignoring family phone calls. Okay, that last one is just mine. That's from

Julie, AKA WeezGirl. I think that that's fantastic. I think it becomes unsustainable unless you're going to watch the same ones every year. I think you could get a day's worth of solid Nicholas Cage entertainment. And I'm going to take it one step further and instead of just ignoring the phone calls, board up the windows, hunker down and pretend like you are the last people on earth and you're watching Nicholas Cage. Post-apocalyptic Cage. Yeah, turn it around like this. Post-apocalyptic Christmas. Now Travis, when you bought me, when you sent through via Santa Claus's Magic Network, Drive Angry Shot in 3D on Blu-ray, was it because you'd read this question and thought maybe this is a tradition I could get into? That you could hunker down and ignore your family for the rest

of our lives? Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Okay. I'm just looking for some logic in the in the darkness. Well, this is a place, a good point in the show to discuss the a little bit of Christmas knowledge that I've picked up, a little bit of Candle Nights knowledge. And that is when it comes to the idea of buying someone a quote unquote funny gift. It's important to remember that it's real funny for like three minutes. Yeah. And then they have it for the rest of their lives. Drive Angry in 3D is an awesome movie. It is. It's a real good film. I thought about it long and hard of if it was a funny present or something griffin. Now, Griffin, I want you to look me square in the eye and tell me you want to watch that movie. Am I going to get drunk in like two

weeks and just pound through it? Yes. Yeah, I'm gonna tear that movie apart. Exactly. Now, have you seen it once already? I have. Yeah, I saw it in 3D as God intended. What worries me is that the box doesn't have the full title. It just says Drive Angry, not Drive Angry shot in 3D. So I'm wondering if it's store brand removed from its 3D environment from its natural habitat if the film has changed in some way. It actually becomes a slow respectful meditation on the briefness of human existence or brevity or briefness. Both work. Briefness was my favorite 1980s rapper. I like Kumodi. I like the briefness and I like Slickmouth. Thank you for the gift, Travis, is very nice. You're welcome, Griffin. Justin, I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. Yeah, maybe next year.

Griffin, you got any more yahoos? Are we done yet? I feel like we've only been going like 20 minutes. Holiday comedy? 40 minutes. How do you... Here, this is good. I'm sorry, Chris DeWayle sent this one in too. Thank you. Jesus Christ. Happy birthday. It's your user, Monty, who asks, how to react to a bad Christmas present? My mom asked me if I was going to see Twilight and I told her no way. I hate Twilight. So the other day I ran out of socks and I opened my mom and dad's closet to borrow some of my dad's socks. Welcome back to that. And I found the Twilight book. The other day I looked at the tree and there's a present for me shaped exactly like the book. How should I react to the present? Okay, there's a lot of twists

and turns in this question. First, I want to say kudos to your mom that when you're like, hey, do you like Twilight? And you're like, no, absolutely not. And she's like, oh, got it. Light bulb. There's no way your mom, your mom might buy that book for you before that you have that conversation. There's no way your mom's like, well, now I'm pot committed. So I guess 1299 damage is done. I've got to get this gift for him. Crabby book it is. Yeah, so close. Um, man, why are you in your daddy's closet? Were you in his sock closet? Why does your daddy have a sock closet and B, why are you hunting for dad's socks? They're going to be way too big for your kid feet. They're going to fall down around your ankles. You're

going to look ridiculous. Like some sort of stupid elf. Hey, here's the correct answer to this question is this is how you're like, Hey, mom and dad, thank you for, you know, giving me life and paying for everything. And also this book, I really appreciate everything you do for me. And I'll totally read it. The end. Yeah, who is your user random number responded yell what the beep and go shoot up an airport source call of duty modern warfare too. I'm not sure I understand. That's how the call of duty game starts. He gets a Twilight book and then he just loses it. Yeah, that's post. That's a plot of postal for dude. Just be thankful for what you got, whether you like it or not. It's not Christmas do.

It's not Christmas do. You really want your mom's need to be like, why you spoiled a grateful brat? You might have more presents than that. Okay, Christmas. It's not about presents, even though that's pretty cool to include that in the tradition. I love that Justin didn't preface that by saying it was another Yahoo answers users. It does sound like flowed straight off the dome. I want to jump back to the middle of that answer there where the dude says maybe you have more presents than that. God, I hope so. I'm getting you one thing. It's I'm getting you one thing. It's the thing you say you don't like. Hey, Jimmy, how was it? How was your Christmas? It was pretty cool. I guess I got a book. Oh, yeah,

was it like getting complete encyclopedia? No, it was it was twilight. I just got a twilight. I definitely definitely do not like it. I was real sad to tell my mom's before hand. I didn't like it. I would rather just have the $13, but it's cool. Fonzie112 said she is your mom and you have to act like you like it, but don't overact once every once in a while. Look at it like you're reading it. I don't like twilight as well, but give it a shot. Like the rest of his life or like that day. I mean, your mom asked you if you want twilight and you said nope. And when you open twilight, you can't be like, yeah, I got it. Thank God, because I totally flipped my position on this in the past couple of days. I think you open you look at it and go, uh, okay. Yeah, you launch

it right at your mom. Oh, cool, cool. Just thwug your mom right over the head with it. She's asking for it. You can say this is that Kindle that I asked for and then you throw it in the fire. Look, now it's in the cloud. Let's see here. Let's see what else I got here in my candle, in my candlelight. In your candle sack. In my candle sack. My boyfriend and I will not be around family this year for Christmas. What's a good way to make a memorable Xmas for two? Stumped Santa in San Diego. Laser tag battle. Laser tag. It's not open. Buy your own laser tag. That's what I'm saying. You set up your own laser tag. You flip over the couches. You wait. Romantic holiday laser tag. Strip laser tag. Strip holiday. Everybody starts with

Santa suits. Everybody ends with birthday suits. Jesus, birthday suits. And also the laser tag vest so that you can track your score. I don't need to track it to remember this score. This is the sweetest Christmas score. I mean the doing it. All right. What have you just roamed through the streets of your neighborhood, looking for people that have gone to visit family, and you just do some Christmas cat burglings. Wait a minute. Are you saying you go to the houses of people you know are out of town and you rob them? Yeah. And they say, hey, look what I just got you for Christmas. I got you a DVD player. I got you a secret we could never share. Now we're bound together forever because if you ever leave me, I'll tell

everyone you're a cat burglar. How good at burglings do you have to be to be the creator of the cat burglar? I don't think you can just declare yourself that by the way. I'm going to go rob that house because I'm a cat burglar. I think you have to start off as like a rooster burglar because they're real loud and annoying. If you wear cat ears while you rob a house and then prowl around it on all fours and you paint little whiskers on your face. And then if you get caught by the cops, you can just say I'm a crazy person. I'm going to use the insanity defense. If you get that, that's the important thing. Dress like a cat because if you, a lot of first timeers say they're not dressing like a cat. Yeah, if you dress like a cat and you get caught the

first time, you can use the insanity defense. You can hurt and rub up against the police officer's leg and say you can't arrest me. I'm a poor little cowlico. Meow, I'm just a big kitty cat. Think of what they'll do to me in prison. I can't go there. I'm a big kitty cat. Meow. Where's your Christmas spirit? And then he'll let you go and then it's back to stealing. Immediately. Walk back into the house. You just got let out of. It's really going to drive home the insanity defense. Where's the cat going? How did you catch them? Well, sir, it seems the cat came back to the very next day.

That's how Catwoman started. This is a very CSI Miami candle. What do you guys do for New Year's Eve? My friends and I agreed that it might actually be the worst holiday. It's even worse if you're single because when the countdown does happen, all the couples kiss and then you have to stand there alone, a lonely doofus. How do you do New Year's Eve and insights for the singles? That's from Ed in San Francisco. If you can't get a smooch at midnight on New Year's Eve, you are unspachable. That's an excuse when that clock turns over and the promise of a new year fills us with a sort of drunken hope. And you just get to necking. Neck with literally anybody you see and they'll be like, yep, 2012. Yeah, you got to get your sexy

right and go to a party where there's a lot of people and then just pair off. Get there and be like, ladies. You don't even have to pair off. Just make sure you're standing near a group of other single people because you're not thinking about it. Coupled people will only be able to kiss one person. Yeah. You can bounce between people like pinball pinball. Yeah. As soon as the balls drop, you just, the ball drops, you just look at the person next to you who's also saying them and give them that nod like, is it us? What do you think? What's going down? And I think that, man, if you think New Year's is a boring holiday, I'm sorry what you're doing it wrong. Yeah, it's the best holiday. It is the time to be like, hey, remember all that stuff that we've had to

deal with all year? That's dead now. This year is dead. The next year is a bright, shining, clean slate until December 20th. Until December 20th when we all died. Then the whole universe is a clean slate. Then everything is a clean slate and God shakes the after sketch and we start over. Right. And Dana Carvey forgets what happened the day before. I'm not crazy about New Year's. Really? Yeah, I'm not. I've never enjoyed it. I don't know why that is. I think it's because it's so far from Christmas. Yeah, I guess. I like Christmas a lot because of all the gifts and stuff. New Year's eat gifts. Well, I think when it comes to New Year's, I think you have two options as far as the parties go and you have the quiet reflection with a small group of friends where you all sit

around like drinking wine and beer and champagne and talking about what's happened over the last year and things you look forward to in the next year, which can be nice. And then you just have the wild, crazy party till two. I think the problem comes from when you kind of end up at a party that's in the middle of those where it's like a bunch of people sitting around talking about how crappy the year was before. You've really got to make sure that you go to like a Skrillex concert at midnight, pop some X, listen to him chop and screw all night sign and just go for it. Yeah, I've never lived in like a bigger, like Cincinnati is the biggest city I've ever lived in. But like the idea of going to a bar or club as like my final destination New Year's party,

I don't know, that seems like you're setting yourself up to pay a bunch of money for drinks. You're never going to really get, you know, just pleasantly drunk. And also you're just surrounded by people that you don't know who are going to be, you know, that's the biggest problem it's the worry of lonely hearts that are going to be bumming you out. At a bar, there's going to be people who are just desperate for human connection. You know, one time I was working, I had to work New Year's Eve, the blockbuster was open inexplicably until midnight as it always was on the weekends. So I sat and watched the ball drop on a crummy little black and white TV and there were, I kid you not, two people in there picking out videos at midnight

New Year's Eve. Well, maybe they wanted to start out their year with a, with a six days and seven nights, you know, when they end up getting, did you guess hush and nutty professor to the clumps? Oh, because that is what they, that's how they're kicking off. That's the first movie they want to watch that year. But don't, don't paint this into a bad picture because as soon as that ball dropped midnight, they were magnetically drawn together and just started some mooching. You also like the clumps? I love the clumps. They're married now. Yeah, they're married now. And their last name is the clumps. How did they do it? I don't know.

I think it's pretty, pretty fantastic though. Do you guys have New Year's plans this year? I think we'll probably have a sort of a dinner party type thing with friends. Griffin, what are you doing? Skrillex, Skrillex concert. I'm going to do it in the mail and be really bored. Okay. I'm going to do a Skrillex dinner with friends. New Year. Can we all agree that 2011 was the year of the Skrillex? That's what it says on the Chinese calendar. Skrillex is my astrological side. Yeah, I was born under the Skrillex. My outlook for next year is...

That's all it said. Sorry again. Onomatopoietically written out. Why don't people do more on a monopoietic dubstep? I don't know. Like written word dubstep? Did you read that new dubstep book? What are you talking about? It said, Slap on the base now. Get on the base. I was written by Will I Am. It was really, it starts really slow, but once you reach about page 120 and you hit the drop...

Oh, man. It's so heavy. When it says call 911 now and then it really kicks in to high gear. I like the part in the third chapter. It really got to me when it said, I like that because it's kind of a high counterpoint to the that's also printed on the page over top of it. I don't know if the layering is working. I really liked in the about the author section when it was like, I found the flashback chapter really confusing because it's Ray Gay. Paul Skirlex lives in New England with his cat and his wife Dorothy.

They're two kids who go to school in Connecticut. Oh, Skirlex, he wrote the book on dubstep. The most important thing to say to his family is walk with Christ. This is, I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first, thank you guys as always for hanging out this year with us and spending so much of your time in our presence. And thanks to Maximumfun.org. This is basically completing like our first year with them. Yeah. It's been awesome. Thank you guys.

If you have not listened to any other Maximumfun shows, get out there. Maximumfun.org. You can find stop podcasting yourself. Judge John Hodgeman. The Jordan Jesse Go. We got a segment coming up on Jesse Thorne's relaunch of his song of his show, Sound of the Young America. He's relaunching it. It's called Bullseye now and it's going to be on NPR and we're going to do at least one segment. So, and it'll also be on the web. There'll be segments from there you can listen to and we'll be sure to tell you how to get those and make sure you tell them how much you like us on it. So, he'll continue to want to have us.

Just tell everyone you see how much you like us. Yeah, tell them. And also, Maximumfun is looking for an intern. So, if you're interested, I mean, it's pretty sweet deal. Go check it out. I think it's Maximumfun.org slash intern. Is that, is that where it is? Yes, I believe so. Is that the actual web address? I'm almost certain.

Or just yell at your computer intern. No, it's Maximumfun.org slash internships. They need a good intern and you'll probably end up meeting some really interesting people. Maybe us. Maybe us. Who knows? Probably not us. Probably not us. Maybe us.

We're creations of the internet. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winners for letting us use this song. It's a departure as our theme song. It's on the album Putting the Days to Bed, which hopefully everybody got for Christmas. Hey John, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas John Roderick and the Long Winners. Anything else to, oh thank you to everybody who bought t-shirts for your friends and family for the, for the Yuletide. We saw a lot of great pictures. I know Golly ALA got a shirt

and anybody else. You can always get more stuff like that at maxfunstore.com. Or.org. Try and both. Try and both. One of them will work. And thanks to everybody who came out to the live shows. We posted them for our last two episodes and we hope everybody had a good time there. We certainly did. And we're going to do more soon. So stay tuned. So we'll see you in the new year. See you in 2012.

Yeah, one last year guys. Let's do it. Let's close out human existence with a bang. J.C. Fletcher sent in this final Yahoo question. Thank you, J.C. Fletcher. It's by Yahoo Answers user Ryan who asks, What is the exact angle for getting gold properly with a sluice box? I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Wear on the lips. Teen. you