My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 86: Get It

Episode Date: January 2, 2012

It's a new year, and a new you -- and man, we really hope that the new you likes goofs about wieners, because we have them in spades. We've also got a little bit of warm encouragement to help you complete your resolutions, couched comfortably within even more genital humor. Suggested talking points: Twenty-Dozen, Hairstyle Secrets, Taco Coordinator, Hipster Walrus, Along Came Polly Museum, Dickbats, Bathroom Brother, Feety Pajamas, Loveboss

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, let us welcome you to 20 Does. 20 Does, or 20 Doesn't? I have a, what do you guys feel about 20 Does? Because I feel like it's going to be real super hyphy. I'm thinking that in the future people will refer to this year as the really doesn't.

I want people to refer to it as the My Brother, My Brother, and Me year. Is that, can we do that? The year of My Brother, My Brother, and Me? Yeah, My Bim Bam year. I have resolved myself to making 20 Does the year that I just get it. Yeah. Just, I just want to get it this year. A lot of times I see Griffin and I'm like, he is going at it full bore, but I'm not sure he's getting it. Yeah, when is he, when is that fool just going to, just going to steal his nerves and ready himself and just get it? Seems like we're like always so close to getting that brass ring, you know? That 20 Does I think is the year where we grab it just by this big round body and say hello ring.

Hello ring, you're mine now, I got you. We got you this time. We got you this time and 20 Does. This is My Brother, My Brother, and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin McElroy. And let's, let's, for the new listeners in 20 Does, maybe we can explain what we do. What is it we does on this show? We get it. We get it? Every time. You give us your questions and you say, guys, I'm not, I'm not getting it. I'm not going full bore. And we say, listen, amp it. First you amp it and then you get it. You got to fire on all eight cylinders all the time. All eight. You got to punch this guy.

Yeah, punch this guy. No, we take questions that people send in and we answer them to the best of our ability, which usually isn't pretty good. And also we, we do the same thing to people in the Yahoo Answers service who did not send in their questions. But we still give them the full consideration of our heart of hearts. And then sometimes, and then sometimes we do a mad lib. Sometimes Travis does a mad lib. You won't hear that on this episode because it's the new year and we're all far too hungover to put up with that. Yep. Yeah. Like for example of the level, a comedy you're going to get when Griffin said far too hungover, I heard fart toot hungover. Okay. So that's, that's about solid gold, solid gold brass ring. Did you guys,

did you guys take 20, 2000 and heaven out with a bang last night and by a bang, I mean, it's ringing. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And hey, can this is to like everybody on TV. Can I go through a year? Can I, is it possible? Is it legal to ring in a new year without the black IPs there? Like, do they, are they just, are they building the ball and making it drop like the beat? Because I have to assume one of their parents is financing the whole thing and that's how they get to be playing. Has to be. Like they sponsored all of 2012. It's like third year. Yeah. It seems like you can't do anything without one of those guys sneaking in. Yeah. They, they officiated my wedding. Yeah. Against your will. Against my will. I didn't want to, but

God, once they make the beat drop. Yeah. Let the beat drop. I didn't have a say in the matter anymore. Yeah. And you were like, I thought it was supposed to be a different priest and they were like, dude, this is mega switch up. Yeah. Last night, there was. Is that a Black Eyed Peasley Ark? Yeah. Yeah. Mega switch up. Last night, well, I am did a solo number and he was introduced by Fergie and not, she didn't make reference to the fact that she knows him fairly well. Being in the black IPs and all. It was like, he, she just said, now this is new up so well I am. Check him out. My former cohort. My former cohort before the debt, like no, an associate. Will I am. We were employed together by the beat. Now, a man I know from a Dr. Pepper commercial we did

together. It's will I am. But enough advising Fergie. She stopped listening after the first time we did a fun drive. So she's a fair weather fan at best. Let's move on to the real stalwarts. Guys, I just got a haircut and I hate it. At the barbershop, it took off my glasses for the haircut and when it was over, I couldn't see how it looked. I just assumed it was fine. When I got home, I looked in the mirror and noticed that it was horrible. Is it okay to go back to the barbershop and demand a redo? How can I make it as unawkward as possible? That's from Campion 10. Campion, I don't think you know how hair works. Yeah. Yeah. You don't get a mulligan. You just get a mullet. Yeah, you, you, it doesn't, like you're not a play-doh man. Yeah.

I'm confused by the concept that like, so I get me to, I have to take my glasses off too when I get a haircut. Everyone's glasses does. Did you fail to put them on before you got home? Yeah. Like, scratch. Bad haircut. Is it possible that it actually looks pretty dope? And you're just not, you're just not used to it? Yeah. Hey, let me see. Let me take a look. No. Pulled your haircut up to your iPod. Yeah. It was good. The trick, the trick. Do you guys want to know the trick to always getting a good haircut? What's that? I know this. Did people, people, stylists die for this kind of info, so I, I can't believe I'm giving out for free. What you have to do is get a haircut from somebody who you think is attractive. Oh really?

Yeah. Because they're not going to cut, they know what looks good, obviously. Look at how attractive they are. Right. They want to shape other people and the other good-looking people, so there's more people at the sex parties. Uh-huh. Right. They want to make it. That it makes them fight it too, if they're ugly. Right. I'm saying no pretty is going to make you into an Elko. Unless. Unless. They're recording it. Oh. Unless they're doing it on a purpose to make themselves look better. That's why you gotta go to the opposite sex. If you go to someone of the same sex, they don't want the competition for the pack. Yeah. And they'll, and they'll just, they, they might give you like a, a, a tonture up there or they might just slit

your throat. Yeah. Yeah. Bake into pies. The barbersaw erases fingerprints so they would never be caught. Yeah. I mean, they're sitting in a chair that's surrounded with pictures of your kids. So that, there are clues. I'm not saying there are clues. Yeah. Before you return to the barber and ask for a redo, did you save your receipt? Because without your receipt, you don't get that redo. Mm-hmm. Really? Yeah. You have to present documentation, huh? Yeah. Otherwise, your roll up and the barber's like, I don't even remember you. You just have an ugly haircut now. Get out. I would never cut that hair that way. If it's a bad haircut, I think you need to go, I don't think there's an awkward way of doing it. I think you need to go to some place, somebody

else and say, Hey, what can you do for me? Because obviously you don't like their haircut style. You don't like how they're doing it. Go to someplace else. Good to know. I've actually done this before. I've actually gone back to a place and been like, Hey, this is kind of weak. And it was like the sides of my hair were uneven or something. They cut one side shorter than the other. It was real bad. And I rolled back up to the place and I was like, Hey, fix it. Yeah. Can you, I mean, that is just, that's just shoddy worksmanship. That's not even a style question. Unless that's a hip style now is the R. Kelly long on one side short on the other. Right. Nine tenths of good haircutting cutsmanship is preparation. I think you got to go. You got

to find the right person. If you go to a barber shop, I had this a lot in Austin as I'll go to a barbershop and it'll be one of those rando situations like a upscale fantastic Sam's where I, you know, sit down and who knows who I get this time. And sometimes it's an attractive woman. And sometimes it's a man and half of his hair is bleach blonde and the other half is bright pink. And he's like, let's do this. And I'm like, I don't think I want to do this. I don't know what's going to happen up there. If this happens, I want to hold out, hold out for a new. I'm going to hold out. I'm going to sit here. I'm going to finish my Shiner and I'm going to read the paper. Ladies and gentlemen, if you, if you, if you get a good haircut, once ever, never, you can't move, you

can't go hold on to that person. They're the most valuable person to you in your whole life because they know how to cut it the way you like it. I have for a while, I was driving back to my girl, Mo back in LinkedIn once a month, right? Yeah. My man, my man, Sonny up at the up at the master cuts up at the Huntington mall just, just just next to tilt the arcade. He will, he will take care of you. Tell him, tell him Justin sent you because he remembers my name. Well, he calls me buddy, but I know he knows my name, I bet. Yeah. He always just calls me buddy. Why don't you buzz it? Ooh, buzz it down. Self, self medication there, huh? I've been actually thinking about it's ridiculous. I go to a barber and I pay them $13 to buzz my hair with a size six guard. Like,

I think I could probably do that myself. I'm impressed that you know the size guard that you use when I go in. If I don't, what if they use a size four guard and then it's like, well, see, that's, it's weird. I walk in and they say, what size? And I'm like, I honestly couldn't tell you. And they're like, you know, we'll start with like a three or something. And then it's always too short. Oh, it's too short. Learning a number. Life is so hard. Yeah. I, here's what I do. Hair cut, hair cutters love this. Just start, just say, just clean it up a little bit and then just keep telling them that. Like, no, not quite clean enough. And that way you can ease them into it. And then if it, when it works, take a picture. Yeah, but be careful because you're going to sound

like you have like OCD or something. My hair is not clean enough. You're the one that has to live with the haircut for six months or eight months or maybe even like 12 months. I need you to make it cleaner on the sides by which I mean, shave my basketball number into, into this. They call me clean sweep. The basketball is take up one side burn, but just the one. Can you put those fun lines in the side? Hey, I have a job car up there, please. I have a job interview in the new year for position I'm totally under qualified for. It'd give me a great salary. It's pretty much my dream job and it would allow me to move to London. How can I fool my interviewers into thinking their company will go into administration unless I'm on board? That's from Skeptical and

Scotland. For those that don't know, going into administration is like going bankrupt here. Ah, okay. Here? In the US of A. Oh, okay. What did you think I meant on this show? Well, you're my brother, my brother and me. You made it sound like we were in the UK. Oh, okay. I thought you made it so. Okay. Yeah. We'll get over there, UK. You just hold out. Start sending us money now. Why wouldn't you qualify yourself for your dream job? Why is the one thing you want to do more than anything on earth? The one thing you're not qualified to do? What have you been preparing to do? Yeah. What have you been preparing for? Did something else fall through? My dream of being a ballerina, so I've trained to be a lumberjack

and I just hope it works out. Maybe just don't tell them you're underqualified. Yeah, Travis, I think that that goes without saying. Don't give me this job because I'd be bad at it. I don't know what special prep you would have to do because they can't read your mind. They're not going to give you an on-the-spot test. My name is Dylan and I'm from Scotland and I'm unqualified for this position. I suck at this. I don't know where I am. This is my dream, so you've made this come true. Maybe. Maybe you could play that aspect and be like, listen straight up. I have no idea the fuck what I'm doing, but think about how educational this experience is. I am a love of clay. Think about how I will learn from this. Think about how I

will better my... Oh, no. Oh, okay. You're standing up. Is that it? Okay, I should go. Okay, so I should just... Here's the thing. In this day and age, people change jobs, millennials. No one is tied to any one position anymore, which makes creating past work experience just the easiest thing. Pick a friend, write down their cell phone number, say they were the manager at the now defunct, et cetera, and then have the manager call them. Your friend will say whatever you tell them to. Have the manager call us. We'll say whatever you want. Yeah, I'll lie. I'll put a message. $5, I'll tell them you were president. Can you stretch your job titles at your jobs? Because definitely nobody's going to check that. Instead of being a cashier at Taco Bell, say you

were like a taco coordinator. I was a sort of a gordita middleman. I guess you could say I wasn't. I think what you're looking for is Chalupa Artisan. I was a nacho cheese engineer. That part is true. Is it possible that it's not like they're underqualified, like they don't have the use of experience, but they're underqualified? It's a job as an engineer or as a surgeon, and they just don't have any knowledge of these things. Well, I fucking hope it's not a surgeon. Yeah, I would hope so too. I don't think the people who listen to our show are clinically unstable, which seems to be the picture that you're painting. Now, come in here, Dylan. What prepares you to be a marine biologist? Nothing. Nothing. Absolutely

nothing. I like fish and I'm scared of water. Let's get this done. Let's learn some shit about others. I got you. I got an underwater microscope. Come on. Science. Science. Where's the whale? Where's the whale at? Which one's a shark again? Okay, yeah, that's right. I want to put my microscope on a shark. I want to call in that big fish like Jonah did, remember? We'll learn about his inside part. By the way, I only believe in sciences in the Bible. Let's do this. I'm unqualified. The Bible at Pinocchio. This is my dream. This is my dream, sir. This is my dream job. I fucking hate fish. I hate this. Let's do it. Come on, you slimy bitches. Look at him flop brown on the table. This is crazy. Now, somebody get me a science knife. I'm going to go to town on this fish.

Get me a science knife. I gots to cut this whale up. Tell you what, I'm not qualified for this job, but I'm going to dissect this octopus right in front of you. Watch. You watch. You watch. I'm going to cut off some squid legs, put it on this octopus, make the ultimate tentacle monster animal. Is this science yet? Did we do it? I want to do some science. Drop me in this tank. I'm going to tie this octopus's legs together like Popeye. Come on. I'm going to do some science. Drop me a beat. Drop me a beat. I'll write something like Bill and I, science guy, like a science song. You guys are all marine biologists. How about you didn't know your job was that funny, but that's exactly the kind of insight you can

expect every week in 20 does. Here are my brother and my brother and me. You want a yahoo? Yes, please. First yahoo at 20 does. 20 does. Let's make it count. It's going to send him by T money. Thank you. T money. You're welcome. It's by yahoo answer user chi who asks, Is there a charity where I can donate to walruses? I really love walruses and I would like to donate to them. Is there one you can think of? Thank you for your help, everyone. Happy new year. Like directly to the walrus? That's what it sounds like, isn't it? He wants to get right at him. He doesn't want it to get hung up in like overhead. Yeah. Where can I take my walrus sweaters? I want this. I don't want this

overhead. I want to under tusk or what in their in their mouth. I think the most direct option is obviously go to the Arctic Circle and fucking just make it rain. Make it rain fish. Just like stick some hundos to their blubbery, wrinkly gray skin. A lot of people don't know what walruses need walry need now. What do they need? Like after the terrible earthquakes in Haiti, a lot of people are send money, send dollars, just send them some cash, but then they didn't realize they have different money in Haiti. So they couldn't do anything with it. They used to sell our bills to make compresses and food. They didn't know what to do with it. You know, I actually read about this. You know what walruses need more than anything? What's that? Counseling. Yeah. Really?

Are they? They just need to talk. They just need to talk. They are the ugliest thing on the earth, I think. You know, it's that kind of mentality that are giving us walruses issues. That's kind of cool of God, isn't it though? And he's like, let's make them, let's put sharp stuff on their face, let's make them fat, and then also let's throw a mustache on them. And then let's make them really, really sensitive. Not a lot of people know that. They are the most emotionally sensitive animals. Now, they don't seem awful enough, so let's make them eat seals, which is nature's most beautiful animal. Yeah, and make them look like ugly seals, so like the parallelism is lost on no one. It's going to be really great. Can you imagine when you're a walrus, like at first you think,

well, this sucks, but at least everybody else is in the same boat as me. And then the first time you see like a beautiful deer, or like a beautiful, beautiful pelican. Just a water deer, skippering. Look at that beautiful water stack. Like, oh, you got, you have four legs instead of one stupid leg. Oh, you have a, oh, you don't bark like an idiot. Okay, great. That's great. Hey, where's your mustache? Don't have one. Don't have one. Can we get these walruses, some like mustache tremors? Um, I don't think they want that. That's the sign of, everybody knows that the walrus's facial hair is their mess, is the sign of their masculinity. Okay, what about mustache wax? Let's turn that into handlebars. Yeah, and I see that with some preening. I bet they love that. That would

help them to feel not so bad about themselves. Walruses do love irony. If we could wrap some tight denim around their chubby, chunky tails. Can we get some walrus skinny jeans, please? Thank God, I know they could use it. I was in the krill long, long before it was popular. Hey, did you guys get the new krill X? Krill X. Goddamn. Yeah, he's, he's always good for a laugh. He sure is. Well, at least for me, he is. Hey, brothers, I was wondering what you thought about dating girls who have a much different personality and lifestyle from your own. I have this friend, and I was thinking about asking her out sometime soon, but the more I just hang out with her,

I see that her lifestyle is very different from my own. She's the kind of girl who would go out to a party at night. Well, I would rather spend a night relaxing in my dorm room. And now, I just question whether having a different lifestyle should stop me from asking her out at all. That's from asking in Alaska. No, it shouldn't stop you. Next. I mean, that'd be exciting, right? That's love. That's, yeah. What's what the heart wants? I mean, not a lot can be done about that. Although, I mean, will it force you, you have to realize that, in a sense, this could be very good for you, right? Like every, I think it's good to have that balance in a relationship where one person wants to do this, another person wants to do

another thing, and you find a happy medium. Now, there might be some friction as a result. But I think it's better for yourself in the long run. It's better for your day to day. Just be prepared to, you're going to have to be prepared to be flexible about it. You're going to have to be prepared to give a little. Exactly. I would say the only concern I would have about it is if her behavior is in any way self-destructive. Like, you know, if by partying, I mean, like she's going out and just, you know, do a bunch of drugs and destroying herself, then I could see whether that would be a problem. But if she just likes to have a good time and hang out with her friends and as a social person, then maybe, you know, when you're in that relationship, maybe there's a

balance where you go out more often than you normally would and she stays home with you more often than she normally would and you find a good balance and kind of, you know, are good for each other. Guys, what we're dealing with here is a classic along came poly scenario. Yeah, classic poly. What you got to do is you got to just let let let yourself live, let yourself love, let yourself and then eat some sidewalk nuts. Don't eat spicy Indian food at a party and then have diarrhea and wipe your butt with a ferret if I remember correctly. Oh, is that really that? Oh God. Can you stop dropping like specific references to this movie like you just watched it this week? It really creeps me out when you do that. So you don't want me to talk about like

you got to watch out for when you go on your honeymoon and then your wife sleeps with the Sagoob instructor as played by Henke's area? No, I don't want to know about any more along came poly related things. When you go see your best friend, Philip Seymour Hoffman in Jesus Christ Superstar at a community theater. This is a new year. It's a new slate and you are muddying that slate with your shit with your human feces, which is along came poly. Yeah, but to be fair, that movie didn't introduce me to the word shark. So good. Well, as it introduced America, sir, sir, and all our lives are richer for it. I would never take that away from from Philip Seymour Hoffman. But you know, you can guys can give me shit or you want to, but I'm just preparing to

be qualified for my dream job as along came poly historian. Okay. I that is my dream job too. However, I am woefully uncalled for it. Have you seen that super meta movie one night at the along came poly museum? It's great. It's about Ben Stiller working in a museum for along came poly and then all the characters come to life. He is still very, very sad. Could not keep my Stiller straight. Actually, the role of the Ben Stiller mannequin when he comes to life is played by Henke's area. It gets very confusing. Yeah. And Owen Wilson, I bet it's in there somewhere too. You know, he's in the mix, maybe playing Luke Wilson to further muddy that weird. I just act. Just, just try it. What's the worst that's gonna happen? I mean, it's, listen, it's 20 does.

I'm gonna give this blanket advice out to everybody who's under the thrall of my voice right now. It's 20 does get it. If you have a question about should I the answer is get it. Yes, get it. Just get it. And maybe it'll work out. Maybe it won't, but you won't know until you get it. Yes, no regrets in 20 does. Just say yes. Just say yes. Just go on a rampage. We're gonna go get high and then go the bowling alley. Are you in? Yes. Yeah, I am. I want to do high bowling. I want to get strikes. I want to get striked up. Let's go get striked up and let's go, let's go bowl together. Do you want to go to a funeral with me? I would rather not, but I will, but I will do it. Because I'm opening myself up to new experiences, even if they're depressing in

some way. We'll have some smelling salts. We'll rave and we'll get it at the funeral. We'll see. That's what your grandma would want. That's what she would want is for us to rave and get nuts. 20 does, guys. I'm done. I'm done equivocating with people. I'm done. So that's the slogan. 20 does rave at a funeral. 20. Yes, we're gonna rave into this, into the great good night that will come to claim us all in late December. But until then, everybody, let's just give it a shot. Can't we? I'm going to stave off Quetzalcoatl with two glow sticks on the top of a fucking mountain just blasting Skrillex. Just like, come get it. Ready for you. Not this day. If you're gonna eat me, you're gonna have to eat my stupid cat in the hat hat, too.

Enjoy this adult-sized pacifier, you bitch. Let's make Quetzalcoatl our bitch this year and just say yes. Do I want to ask her out? Yeah, sure. She broke my heart. Ask again. Ask someone different. Ask that same person, but in a different way. Ask her out using a Quetzalcoatl line. Like, listen, time is limited here. We need to get moving. Can I ask you a Quetzalcoatl? Oh, shit. Hey, Griffin. Yeah. Before Quetzalcoatl comes, I need to build a bomb shelter, and the only way I can do that is with money. And the only way I know how to make money is with the Money Zone. This week on the Money Zone, we are being driven there first off by our dear friends

Vincent and Paul Goldberg. Goldberg? Goldberg is getting butt cheek friendship tattoos. They didn't know what it was going to be, and this is a Christmas present for Paul Goldberg, which is, everybody knows, the perfect thing for Paul Goldberg. They want to know what they should get on their butts, on their bottoms. Well, a butt tattoo that just says butt. No, that's not very good. Can the tattoo be butt-colored? Uh-huh. A butt-colored tattoo? So that nobody is going to see it. I have always wanted to get a tattoo of Jerve Villaches, and he's rolling up his sleeve, and on his arm is a tattoo of the band Tattoo. So if you guys wanted to get so many layers to that. I know, right? If you guys wanted to get

that tattoo of Tattoo with the Tattoo of Tattoo, that would be, I think, ideal. There's probably another level of abstraction you could get there, but I don't know what it would be. Can I get a, what about a Tattoo of Bob Seeger with a Tattoo of me? Now, why would Bob Seeger get a Tattoo of you, Griffin? Well, he wouldn't, but in this fictional universe that I've painted on my body forever. What about a Tattoo of Bob Seeger except with my head? There's Bob Seeger's body. Okay, but I would have to say under it, this is Bob Seeger. Yeah, he has to wear a T-shirt that just says Bob Seeger.

Nobody could tell Bob Seeger just by his body, or at least more specifically, nobody who's going to see my butt could tell Bob Seeger just from his body. So guys, I hope that helps you, and I hope that that's enough of a inspiration that you can find something that really works for your personal butt. Also, take you into the monies of this week, our friends, our dear friends, Topotaco, Topotaco, Tupitiku, it's Topotaco.com, T-O-P-A-T-O-C-O.com. You buy stuff there, and you're going to be supporting independent artists. You're going to be supporting people like our friend Corey Schmitz, our friend Justin Russo.

There's all kinds of great artists on there who are making Skrilla off of your purchases. They are the world's largest collection of quality merchandise from the internet's very best artists and musicians, and of course, like us, podcasters. You can go to topotaco.com to buy things there, or you can go to maxfunstore.com, and you're going to find some really unique items there. You're going to find things you won't find anywhere else. You want to pee from his nasty gum shirt? They can make that dream a reality for you.

Do you want them to draw a really crazy picture of a rhinoceros? They might do that, too, on your receipt. They're crazy over there. They once drew a picture of a really disturbing picture of Lisa Loeb's glasses on somebody's package once. It was all very upsetting, but they're the best people in the world, and we love them very much. So here's a shitty jingle for them. I don't have anything.

You can't do that. It's not a taco. It's a website, and they sell t-shirts for free. No, they're not free. They cost actual money, but that money goes to us. So go to topotaco.com and buy stuff, specifically maximum fun gear. I want that maximum fun. Don't buy anything that says stop podcasting yourself or Judge John Hodger or any of those

other guys. Jordan and Jesse, no, I say, just buy our stuff and give us your money. My brother and my brother in Glee is what you'll have in your heart when you buy our stuff. In fact, what you should do is you should pay them extra money to not send you the other stuff. Here's $10 to not send me a Jordan and Jesse go ship. God, I love money. I love it, too. But actually, buy their stuff, too, because we love them.

Yeah, their stuff is fine. But first, buy our stuff. Don't use up all your money. We need it. You should buy our stuff and then buy their stuff to keep our stuff in. Just a t-shirt I bought for my t-shirt to keep it warm. Hello there. My name is Graham Clark and I'm Dave Schumka.

And together we host a podcast called Stop Podcasting Yourself. This is a file that you download from the Internet and then you listen to it in your pod. What's that about, you ask? Well, who are you to ask? Who do you think you are? Yeah, get lost, bozo. We're a couple of stand-up comedians in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada,

and every week we bring a guest on the show. Sometimes they're Canadian, sometimes they're not, sometimes they're a ghost. It's like you're sitting in on a friendly afternoon chat. Plus we're Canadian, so you get a tax break. You can find us on iTunes or online at maximumfun.org. Ooh, spell. You guys want a yahoo? Yeah.

This one was sent in by Lisa Holofield. Thank you, Lisa. It's by a yahoo answers user CrashFoo, who asks, What is a good team name for a softball team sponsored by a male performance enhancement clinic? True story, I was thinking 10 bats and 20 balls, but that's a load to put on a shirt. Help. Big swingers. Well, that, I guess that has a certain charm, a certain feel.

Bat boys. So you're just sticking with the, a bat looks like a penis. Yeah, bonus. Okay, I got you. Okay, well that one was not very good. That one. Uh, can it be like a traditional team? Like the Levitra Lions.

Is it Levitra's? The Bono Tigers. Okay. Charm is, I don't think you're really good at this. Cox, Cox, and it's like penis and a rooster. No, that one needs to be workshopped a little bit more. Let's start over. No, let's think about this because there's a lot of questions you have to answer first.

Okay. Let me ask you this. What do you think about not so shortstop? Ooh, that's good. That's not bad, right? That's, that's something, something there, male. Do you think? Hump pyre.

Hump pyre? Hump pyre? No. That's not bad. Do you think anybody? RBI runs bonered in. Okay. I'm more confused by the mechanics of the team.

I want to know if anybody on the team is physically capable of diving into a plate without, I think they're going to land right on the boner, is what I think. And I think that that's kind of put some friction on the ground. And I think it's going to keep them from reaching their destination and also break their penis in half. At least break the bone, look at a fracture. But definitely fracture that PNP bone. I think it would be, this would be the team that you would probably dread playing against.

Because they got that self-satisfied look on their faces. And you can't bring your children. Yeah, concession stands hated because nobody wants to buy a corn dog and watch the team. Can anybody, can any local business have a baseball team? Because if so, that seems, that seems kind of fucked up. Like, can funeral homes be like, hey, we're the dead people team? And can like, can like sex, sex candy toy stores be like, you know, sex candy toy stores? Yeah, well, at least it would make, it would make lion's den.

That would be very easy to pick a mascot. Yeah, and the Pleasure Chest Pirates. Right, exactly. I'm willing to bet that when you are a, an amateur softball team, beggars can't be choosers. Yeah. I doubt very much that there's, there's much wiggle room there, as far as who you allow to sponsor your team and who you don't.

What about wiggle room? Yeah, I think there's going to be a shortage of wiggle room all around. Um, can we get back to our community and start our own softball team? Ooh. My brother, my brother, and me boners. Well, can we actually look into how much it would be, how much it would cost to sponsor a softball team in someone's area? 200.

Topps, right? Topps 200. Yeah. Like, so well worth it. I mean, how much does that cost? They only need the one bat. That's like 10 bucks. 10 bucks for the bat.

If you're a local softball team would like us to sponsor them, please email us. No kidding. We have a, like, I don't want to toot our horns, but we have a grip of listeners. Certainly we can find 10 people who are. Can you be the bin bambinos? Who are my, oh my God.

That's a, that's a fucking awesome name, right? Yeah, it'd be good. It'd be really good. But I would want to go with something like my, the, my brother, my brother, and me, like home runners. Murderers. Yeah. The murderers.

The molesters. Well, I don't want to play. Okay. So we'll sponsor your team, but in exchange, you have to have like the most embarrassing name. I don't think that, I think that no matter what you call your team, people are, are, are not going to, they're not going to like you because of, of the connotations of your sponsor.

That, that, that's all they're going to be able to think about. They're not going to, maybe that would be good as a smoke screen though. They're giggling up their sleeve about how you're like, the Viagra Vagabonds or something. And meanwhile you're getting all the touchdowns. Yeah. I think that, I think that you just hit on a great name, Justin, and you could be the Viagra Gigglers.

Hmm. What about hard dicks? Uh-huh. Go on. That's it. Okay. Okay.

What about? All right. Well, that's a pretty good starting point. What about? Guess what? Erections with a Z. New erections. Second chance erections.

I feel like baseball doesn't have enough sexual innuendo goofing possibilities. Like I feel like if this was basketball, we would already have like 100 to 125 different names. You think basketball is the sexier sport than baseball? No, I just think that baseball because they've got like the bats and balls, it's so as far as like penis jokes goes, it's like it's making the joke already. Like it's already so clear. You have to go real deep cut to find anything worthwhile. I think we've all been to a baseball arena and seen a guy with a baseball bat duct tape

to his crotch like, oh, I've got a big wooden penis. Yeah. We've all seen that. We've all seen that in our dreams. That could be their mascot though. Dick bats. That's inappropriate. Can that be the name?

The dick bats? Dick bats. I did really love his talk show back in the late 60s. The dick bats variety. He goes by Richard Bats now. He was sort of like a more ethnic Lawrence Welk. But I really liked it. Did we have a single good joke in that entire question?

We said dick bats. I don't think that was funny. Hey everybody, this is my brother over there. This is where you get to make your own gag just right in. Say, hey, I came with a better gag than you guys did. But you got to make sure to drink a lot the night before else you're cheating. Hey, I have a brother. He lives in another town, so I keep in touch with him mostly through phone conversations.

The problem is sometimes he'll decide to use the bathroom in the middle of our conversation. He doesn't think it's a big deal, but it grosses me out. I told him that I would stop speaking to him if he continues to do it, but he's starting to simply continue doing it without telling me. You can't give your brother an opening like that. Please tell my brother to stop making his bathrooms while we are making conversation. That's from Euphemistic and Eugene. You can't tell your brother that you don't like something,

especially something that he can continue to do to you. How bad are you at brothers? You shouldn't be able to have a conversation with anyone except your lover in which you can have a conversation with them and also be able to see and touch your penis. That's just my ground here. That's where my base level for conversation skills is if you can see and touch your penis. You shouldn't be talking to anyone. That's a good rule.

Yeah, it's a pretty good rule, Travis. It's like the best rule that there is. If you can see and touch your penis, see and or see and or. I can't imagine. I guess you can always touch your penis. Trust me. Trust me. As numerous suspensions in grade school will attest,

you can always touch your penis. He is your constant companion. I can't imagine actually in scenario where you can see your penis when not touching it. I can only think some kind of like bound and gag situation. It's right there. Why are you in that glass cage? Unless you're Pikachu, I guess, in which case. What if you get stuck in like a glass floor?

Sorry, what was I saying, Travis? You're stuck in a glass floor. So your top half is above the glass and your bottom half is below the glass. Like if you're in a big glass castle. Just think about it, guys. It makes complete sense. It's so fucking dumb, though. It's a dumb thing.

I said this funny thing about Pikachu and then you're like, how about a word fart, everybody? I got one for you. I remember when I said that thing about Pikachu. I love that you said Pikachu and not like a T-Rex, which I think more people would understand the arm to body ratio of. Pikachu's got wicked short arms everywhere. Wait a minute.

Travis is inventing a scenario with half body glass cages. Hey, you get me out of this. No, you're a key member in this. You're deep in it. There's no extraction from here. What are you and your brother talking about that you can't, that he can't take like a five minute break from the phone combo? Yeah, it can't be that important.

That's what you say. Hey, I'll call you right back. I got a deuce. Maybe when you call him, you say like, hi, I wanted to catch up, but I just, I want to know if you were going to have to do to you in the next 15 minutes or so. What's your bowel situation currently? When did you last evacuate?

Tell your brother to do it right last because by 2015, I think every call will be a video call, right? I mean, we'll all have moved on to that tech. So he's not going to be able to sneak one in on you anymore. Well, it doesn't sound like he's sneaking it. It sounds like he's proud of it. Unless. Yeah, it sounds like he's reveling.

What if he decorates the wall behind his toilet to look like some sort of cafe? Oh, so you're saying like in Pee Wee's playhouse that he pulls down the screen behind him. Yes. He pulls it down and then you FaceTime with him and then you think, oh, he's at a Trinity Beast show. But really, he's dropping, dropping trowel, getting it done, getting it.

I think that if you make a one, that's OK on the phone. I think I think once he's more upsetting. Yeah, because you can hear a onesie. There's also the chance that he drops you in the toilet. Mm hmm. And then you're in his pee. Guess what? Your brother peed on you.

Oops. Whoops. Oops, you have to kill yourself now. You're a dead man. Now you're dead. Dead man walking. Hey, brother, stop, stop doing this. Sorry.

No, not you. OK. The email. Me? The me? I am happy to tell you guys that I have never made a bow movement while I've been on the phone with you. I have been podcasting with you.

That is a different story altogether. But as far as phone calls, direct one-to-one telephonic conversation, no. No bathrooms. So you've bathroomed while on the phone with the world, but not individually with us. Justin has made millions of people watch him as he uses the bathroom. Well, Griffin, otherwise I can't finish.

OK. So. Can they choose in the bathroom, I hope you mean? And not the other. Christ, I hope so. Hey, I recently introduced a friend of mine to your podcast. He loves it, but he's recently given me calls to question his taste. He has raised the subject of wanting to buy what he calls

feety pajamas, the one piece sleepwear of children and crazy old men. I, a girl, find this to be terrible. And I'm hoping you guys can set him right. And that's from Concerned in Canada. He should get it. Get it. It's 20. Does get it.

Does it have rubber soles? Are the rubber soles and the fuzzy slippers on the bottom? I just, I just want to throw this out because as I was listening to the question, I had the best image pop in my head. And it's of this dude in feety pajamas just raging growl. Does he have a big beard? Because in mine, he has a big beard. Yeah, a big beard.

In mine, he's in a half glass case in the top of his body. And he can't, can't adjust his feety pajamas. Oh, feety pajamas. That's a perfect example of when you can neither see nor touch your penis. Are you supposed to get it? That's fair. What if it's a forever lazy and then there's the zipper in the front? Is there a flap in the back for his fanny to hang out of?

Oh, that'd be adorable. Look at his little fanny. He's going to get a suntan. So he's got a big old beard and the flap is open and he's raging drunk. And he's got a cute little fanny, except he's 36 years old. And he's got a tattoo of her baby village eyes on his butt. I think if I could pull it off, I'm not sure I could pull it off. I think maybe a little claustrophobic, because I like my feet to be out there.

Like I want them, sometimes they want to go off on their own. They want to get out from under the blanket or peel off a sock or what have you. But I think if I could really commit to the look, I think it could be super cozy. Super cozy. I wonder what it seems like such a specific time that that would be appropriate. And that is when you are alone forever. Yeah, it doesn't seem like you could wear that to anything. Like if you had friends or family with you, you can't wear that.

But you shouldn't be in your PJs with friends and family around anyway. Like you shouldn't be changing into those. Yeah, but if you're having like a lazy Sunday afternoon with a lover. And you curled up on the couch and you're watching Netflix. You just finished a session of love making in the afternoon. You just finished making love. And she's wearing some cute. Literally anything other than one piece Fede pajamas.

And you roll up in there and you're one piece Fede pajamas. The game. The jig is up unless you turn it around backwards and the flaps on the front and your dicks hanging out. That's a look then the look that it could possibly be. That's a power move though. That is she will know who is dominated that relationship. And it is her.

And then all you can that be the official uniform of the boner soft fluffy. Yes, it can. My brother, my brother, me. Check it out. I think there's so many other sleep sleepwear alternatives that are more comfortable. It's Fede pajamas. There's like a big fucking full body textile prison. Yeah, you can't get out of it.

All it is is it's a it's like a bathroom booby trap. All your smells. All your smells get trapped in there and they come out your neck. And you know what's right above your neck. Your nose. That's not going to be good for you. What about a big shirt? Would you guys wear a night shirt?

Yeah, I'd wear like an Ebony's their Scrooge style night shirt every day of my life, right? With that little bed over hat. Why are you wearing a hat to bed Ebony's your Scrooge? I'm in a pickle. My boss at my current job has a crush on me. This works out pretty well generally. And she is fun to talk to but office ethics aside. I'm not attracted to her.

I'm worried if I'm too forward in shooting her down. It may make working under her more complicated. What would a McRoy do in my shoes? Thanks from Dave in accounting. Get it. Get it. Just get it. Get the brass ring.

Full bore. I just why don't you just say I don't I love you. Just tell her. I love you but I'm not in love with you and can I get that promotion? Then you're getting it twice. Why do you have to shoot her down at all? Yeah.

She's your boss. She's the boss. That means if she says you're going out you are. That's the way the world works. Dave. Otherwise it's insubordination. Dave. That's how I think of you court marshal Dave.

Make her make you go out with her. Run that shit. Run that flagpole. Run that up HR's flagpole. And then you she gets fired. You get her job. You get it three times. Listen you have a you have a perfect out here and it's that you don't think it's ethical.

Say listen girl I want us to be together. I love your look. I love your style. I love your ways and your moves. But I can't I can't two people who both work at TJ Maxx in the infant and mom section. They can't date each other because what if it goes wrong. But what if she loves you so much that like she quits her job. And then you're just like oh I was kidding.

Though that she cuts her job she's not your boss problem solved. Oh okay I love it. It's win-win. Yeah she can't make trouble. I mean she could go out to the parking lot and slash your tires or something but she can't make trouble for you in the office. I'm upset about how you think of TJ Maxx as some sort of feudal hierarchy where the boss can make you an indentured servant.

There's a tiered you're my dating slave. Yeah I'm a oh I'm I work at TJ Maxx I'm a surf. It's great. The hours are awful and I have to marry whoever my boss tells me to. But it's okay because I get an egg or a land. TJ Maxx named the business after himself. He's clearly a despot. So obviously.

Right exactly. There's a feudal system. Tiberius Jonas Maxx is an asshole. I'm naming you I'm naming you Lord of Incidentals. You shall be the ruler of all the intimate section. I was going to say that TJ Maxx is part of the 1% but I don't think I've ever crossed the threshold of a TJ Maxx. Is that a lady's story?

It's like a. It's an everyone's story Griffin. The thing I know about it is that they provided most of all the outfits from Sally Jesse Raphael. Oh okay. So most of her clothing. A lot a lot of good looks on that show so. Yeah and those glasses.

Don't mind if I do. I'll take two. I'll take four because I want to do it in 20 does. Speaking of 20 does this has been my brother my brother and me and if I show for the modern era thank you so much for listening and for for fjording into the next year with us by your side so much more good stuff to come we had an amazing 2011 because mainly because of you guys at home listening to us we got to do some live shows we'll do some more this year I'm sure of it but thank you for all your support and spreading the word to friends and everything

means a lot. It means a lot to me. It means a lot to me I guess. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for letting us use their song It's a Departure of the album Putting the Days to Bed which is it still five dollars? I saw a tweet out somewhere they said it was five dollars somewhere. It was five dollars I don't know let me check. Just buy it no matter what doesn't matter what the price is just buy it.

It doesn't need to be five dollars. It's so good. It's worth upwards of like eight dollars. Yeah and you're well. What? Maybe more. I would say. I don't know how many works.

I would say it's worth. I personally paid fifteen dollars for it and have not regretted it. I bought the CD and then I bought it on vinyl. So I've spent at least forty five dollars on that record. Whoa forty five dollars in a lot of credibility. Yeah. Just buy a CD already. It was on Amazon Streamies.

Oh yeah. They're streamers. Yes you can get any Long Winters album right now on Amazon for five dollars. Do that. Trust me go there get Putting the Days to Bed. Get the worst you can do is harm. Get what I pretend to fall. Get Ultimatum.

Do you know what you can get for less than five dollars? Any of the other podcasts. Those are the delightful podcasts on the Maximum Fun Network. Go give them a try. Go Jordan Jesse Goh. Stop podcasting yourself. Judge John Hodgeman. Get at them.

Check out Bullseye. That launches this week. This Wednesday I think. You're gonna love it. And if you're if you're interested in working with Max Fun, I believe they're still looking for an intern. So if you're interested in that you can go to maximumfun.org slash internships. And check it out.

Yeah if you're in the LA you just need to be in the LA area. Thanks to everybody who tweeted about the show with the NBNBM hashtag. I see that our friend Richard Porzak not only tweeted about the show but is wearing on my brother and my brother in me t-shirt in his icon. So which is pretty pretty amazing. Thanks to Bombsfall. Dirtland, Steven Kelso. The Mike Bachman.

Devin Goodsell. Everybody. Aaron M. Office Memo. You've all been so good to us this year. Locked by Proxy. Everybody who's tweeting about the show. As always Church's wife and everybody. You really help to spread the word and help us have a great year.

Thank you guys. So we love you. Thank you. Thank you so much. This final yahoo is sent in by Cody Cowan. Thank you Cody. It's by yahoo answers user Sessy who asks What time does Pizza Hut open?

I'm Travis Sack. I'm Griffin McElroy. And this is my brother and my brother me. Kiss your dad's underwear on the lips. Stain. Keep your heart. Three stacks. Keep your heart.

Hey, keep your heart. Three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks. These girls are smart. Play your part.