My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 87: A Murder of Uncles

Episode Date: January 16, 2012

Yes, we took an impromptu vacation last week, for which we're eternally sorry. However, we come to you today as fully refreshed men, prepared to answer your queries and assail the internet-at-large with verbal and physical abuse. Come, beat up the internet with us. Suggested talking points: Footsmanship, Whipped, The Pebbles Voicemail, Goat Boyfriend, Twerk Squats, Mr. Paula Deen, Lettuce, Run-around, Full House Trivia, When to Hold 'Em, Pokeality

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Live from the second library of Downton Abbey, it's my brother and brother and me, Downton Abbey Edition. I cannot believe we got permission from Lord Grantham and his fam to let us hang here and record. We got chords strewn all the way to the third kitchen. Well, we had to run an extension cord from 2012.

Right, that is a lot of chords. And then we had to get that we have an internet antenna travel through time in the livery. But Griffin, how did we get here? How did we walk us through the process of you did most of the political aspects of getting us in here? So you mean the political aspects and not the chrono magic? The chrono stuff, that's old hat from my brother and my brother and me. It's like, how do you get permission? Well, I actually married into the family. I married a gay footman. Griffin gay married a footman and much to the chagrin of Granny, she was not pleased about that. I mean, we're very happy.

That's nice. Every night, polish the silver. As it were, as it were, as we do. Hong Kong, Hong Kong, if you know what I mean. And what we do is we travel through time and give people advice. Later on, we're going to tell Lady Sybil how to break free from the shackles of feminine imprisonment that the early 20th century has placed her in. But for now, and then we're going to berate the servants. Later, later, we'll be berating the servants. For now, we're all yours, though. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McRoy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McRoy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin McRoy.

Well, technically, you're the second Duke. I'm the second Duke of footmanship, your lordship, Griffin McRoy. I assume that footman exists just to give foot rubs. I assume so. Yeah. How is he doing with that on that end? Pretty good. Pretty good. Well, that's good to hear. Um, so let's get right into the advice. Hey, I was wondering if you have any insight into how to find the line between being a nice guy and being quote unquote whipped in a relationship. I'm a straight guy, but I guess this could be applicable to the fairer sex or anyone in a relationship, really. That's from bemused in Britain.

You know, I'm going to say that this is just like when we blew the lid off of bros before hose. And I would posit that anyone who says someone is whipped in a relationship, the person saying it is single. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whipped. Like, yeah, I get the idea. Like, and I, I, I have known people who, I mean, we've all known people, right? Who are, are in relationships that don't seem to be good for them. And they are, for some reason, blindly sort of adhering to. Well, either that or they are so just puss-crazed. They're like crazed for puss. And they, they'll do anything for it, like for a Klondike bar, only for genitals instead. It's like, it's like a Scooby snack, you know? Oh, that's.

What? I, I, I do think it's important to remember if you're the sort of person who maybe doesn't get into a lot of relationships, if there's a sort of person who maybe has gone a while without the companionship of the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Or the same sex. Yes. Thank you, Griffin. Or a dog. Or a dog. Or a rollercoaster. Not too. Doesn't matter. Of course. Not to say that someone who loves a rollercoaster is the same as a gay person. But thank, but thank you for that. I think coaster crazy is a pretty far cry from a some living alternative lifestyle. But anyway, Justin, you said, just because you said that, we're gonna, we're gonna get a whole bunch of shit from all the, the

objective sexuals that listen to our show. Yeah. Yeah, especially the homo objective sexuals. They just love people, but they, it's a long story. But only on rollercoasters. Only on rollercoasters. They enjoy the people. Now, I think that if you've been a long time out of relationship, it can be tempting to sort of sacrifice whatever you are to try to make that other person like you. And that's a good rule of thumb. If you say, so are you doing it because you want to do it for the person? Are you making the sacrifice or being, you know, very thoughtful and kind because you want to, or because you're afraid of upsetting them? And I would say, if you are doing anything in a relationship because you're afraid of upsetting your partner,

then you need to kind of take a step back and look at the way things are going. You should get married. Yeah. Because I would say about 80% of the decisions I make, I have a filter first and says, it's just gonna upset my wife because I should not do it. No, no, no. There's a difference between being thoughtful and not wanting to upset her and being afraid to upset her. I think it was either, it was either Gandhi or Hitler who said that half of love is fear. And now that I said it out loud, that was definitely, definitely Hitler. Definitely. I think that might have been Machiavelli. Okay. One of those guys. Wait, do you mean Machiavelli or do you mean Tupac? It might have been Tupacchiavelli.

Yeah. The great philosopher. Great philosopher. Great mind of our time, Tupacchiavelli. Can we also give a piece of advice to people who are unhappy and lonely and not in a relationship? Don't be that fucking person who's like, bad relationships. This guy, who are you even anymore? It's like, I don't know you. And even worse, don't, man, everyone knows that you're unhappy. Don't grumble about it and make everyone uncomfortable. Yeah. That's all you're doing. Another Valentine's Day alone. Like, yeah, just get out. If you're unhappy, don't grumble to your friends. Just get out. Valentine's Day is made by Hallmark and the Illuminati. That's not accurate, but no, I get the idea. Hey, guys, I need some advice.

I don't get this question asked. A girl gave me her number last weekend, which was a first for me. Unfortunately, when I called her a couple of days later, I ended up believing the most awkward voicemail. What's my next move in that situation? If she never calls back, do I ever try to call her again or have I lost my one chance wondering was in Wisconsin? Hey, wondering your instincts have not served you wrong here. You have in fact lost your one chance. Yeah. I find myself laughing, not at the predicament that you found yourself in, but trying to imagine what the most awkward voicemail someone could leave. I can't find. Hey, Susan, this is Steve. Oh my God, I'm peeing my pants.

Oh, God, there's pee and poop in my pants. Put this pee here. Poop and pee in my pants. Oh, Susan, your dad is here. I'm making him watch. Talk to your mom. Mom there. I am. I am a poopy robot. Listen, if you call this lady back anymore, you are running at a real risk of pulling a John Favreau from Swingers. Yep. And that is that is my living nightmare. What is that? The scene in Swingers where John Favreau gets a number and then he calls a girl and then leaves something like a desperate voicemail and then ends up calling her 20 more times until she answers the phone and says, try to explain it away and answers the phone and says,

please don't call me anymore. That is what you're that's what you're going towards. And that'll ruin you in the lady community. I feel like maybe if you had if you had been like building up to making this call and you finally made the call and you left an awkward message, then maybe you're just an awkward dude. And maybe you need to find the lady who celebrates that. Yeah, I was gonna say, just wait and see what happens. And maybe there's a funny story you get to tell your kids someday. Yeah, either she'll respond with, oh, that's cute or oh, he's a nut job. He is a stalker. You could weirdo call back and leave a more awkward voicemail or like a

very intensely angry voicemail. Now, what was that? Now, what is that idea? Isn't it? I just thought you might be looping around the bend to a good idea, but it never came. The turn never came. The river of that particular hand. Listen, it's all about it's like the first episode of The Bachelor. It's all about making an impression. So you get that first impression rose, you know what I mean? So like, it's not so much about offending her or playing to her sensibilities. You just got to fucking get in her mind space. You got to purchase a timeshare in her brain zone and then live in it and then be unforgettable. What if you hired a proxy to call her and say, please disregard Mr. Johnson's call?

He would very much like to date you. Please return at your earliest convenience. Maybe just call her back and say, hi, Deborah. It's me, Philip. I wanted to apologize because when I called you before, I was high on crank. A lot of crank running through this bloodstream. I was high on crank too. That is not a practice I tend to give up. I intend to give up, by the way, if we enter into a loving covenant, I will still be getting high on crank. I would say, for future reference, I think that if you get someone's number and you want to call them, don't leave a voicemail. Anybody? No, I think a voicemail is good. Really? Yeah. I don't like people who, I don't like people who don't leave a voicemail.

I think the idea of leaving a voicemail for someone that you barely know but would like to get to know better, it just seems so weird. I would be so afraid of them not remembering who I was right away. I'd be like, who is this person who left me a voicemail? It's a double-edged sword because it's a very, it's a very low stress stitch. It puts the ball in their court and if they don't call you back, you know it's because they weren't that interested and then that's fine. You can move on from that. On the other hand, if this is your first number, it sounds like this is this dude's first number that he ever got because he explicitly says it, you're going to do bad. You're going to do a bad job and that's

okay. You got to fail forward. You got to take some learnings from this and move on. In the future, with anybody really, if you're going to leave a voicemail, please be tactical about it. Know exactly what you're going to say and get in and get out because there is nothing worse than being ready to call somebody back after you hear what the message was and they're still praddling on. Yeah, I feel like you just need to say like, you know, you think of it like writing a letter and you need to have your greeting, the body of the letter and like your sign off and get out. Don't spend too much time in there though. Don't be like, like, hey, Deborah, this is Steve. We met last night at, you know, Dill's party. I think we should hang out sometime. Call me back.

Don't say, hey, this is Steve and I met you at Dill's party and if you don't remember me, I wrote you this rap and then rap. Yeah. Don't do that rap that you wrote for her. Don't do the rap. Don't do the rap. Keep it under like 15 seconds and get out. Hey, it's me. I just want to say love your boobies and would love to hook up. Just really chat them out. Hey, this is Steve and I'm here to say, I love your boobies in a major way. Now, that guy would get a call back from me, but I myself am not a female. I don't know if that would be an effective approach. I suspect it would be. Yeah. Anybody who parodies a fruity Pebbles commercial in a sexual phone. Ho, ho, ho. I'm hungry. That's from the fruity Pebbles Christmas commercial.

Sure. Do we know any other fruity Pebbles commercials we want to spoof or do we want to move on to Yahoo? We can come back around to the Pebbles later. All right, let's circle back. We'll put a pin in it. Do you remember the one where Barney burned Fred's house down? Barney, all my possessions. Yeah. Rise from the gash. Serial, dance in the flame with me. These are the bones, the bones of Bam Bam. Watch him crumble around you. Can I have some cereal? You guys want to get out here? Stare into the eyes. We must decapitate in head and burn your house. Your house is made of rocks. I guess if you leave that voicemail, then you're probably done. Yeah, you didn't do it right.

That would not be, that would not be the right approach to think. This Yahoo! was sent in by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Becky, who asks, where can I find an adult chew toy? My boyfriend has a really bad chewing issue. He chews on everything, mostly his shirt collar and plastic. Chewing on plastic is starting to mess up his teeth, and I'm looking for something he could chew on that won't mess up his teeth. He hates gum, so that's out of the question. Not looking for anything sexual. If anyone knows where I can find something he can chew on, like a toddler teething ring, except for adults, it would be great. Thanks, smiley face.

Your boyfriend's a goat. You're dating a goat. You accidentally dated a goat. You silly, silly Billy. That's a Billy goat. That's a Billy goat, silly. You did it wrong. You did it wrong with the dating. Why can't an adult chew a baby's teething ring? Would that just be too ridiculous? It would just be too silly. Why? He needs a man-sized pacifier. I would rather live in a world where an adult is chewing on a baby's teething ring than there's adult co out there making adult chew toys. It's a niche market. Hey, stupid, put this in your gob. Thank you for the money. I like that this guy is of discerning taste where he'll chew on his shirt collar and he'll chew on plastic, but you do not offer him gum. He hates gum. He hates gum. I think it's not so much

that he hates gum. It's that he's got pica. Have you ever caught him eating paint chips outside? He eats his hair. Yeah, is that a problem? Oh, god. I like that this person specifically says he's not looking for anything sexual and if you guys can tell me like a casual chew object that a person can have and then be like, mm, look at that guy chewing on that thing, how sexual that is. I don't even know what a sexual connotation chewing thing is. Did she really think one of the question responders are going to say, hey, maybe a big dildo chew on this boner? Why would anybody do that? There's nothing more sexual than seeing a grown man chew on a toy specifically designed for men to chew on it, though, if you think about it. Maybe smoke a pipe? I get it. I get the oral

thing. Yeah, but maybe don't be like a toddler about it. Maybe eat suckers like Kojak. Yeah, that's cool. That's a timely cool look. You could do a toothpick, corn cob pipe. I used to do thumb tacks. That's cool. That's dangerous. Extremely dangerous. Razor blades. Yeah, well, gun. Chew on a gun. Chew on this barrel. Actually, that would probably be the best for her relationship. This weird chute chewer. Shirt chewer. Sorry. Maybe you could play a game with him called like, what won't he chew? Yeah. Well, we know Gums out. Chew on this lighter. He's doing it. Chew on this cyanide pill and let me get into a real relationship with a person. Why does he have to die? Why can't she just leave him? He's a goat man. He belongs in a circus. He belongs in a museum. Thank you,

Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones. He stops by to tell us who belongs in a museum once a week. And it's Billy Goat Man. It's a new feature we're trying out. It's called Indiana Jones and Billy Goat Man. This is my boyfriend, Billy Gruff. That's a 1% joke there. Maybe zero. Oh, God. I am in my life. This is a dark secret. I've only beaten up one person in my life. And it was in middle school. And there was, I was, I was oppressed. I think it's safe to say in middle school. And so I sort of found the only person lower on the food chain than me. And it was a guy who chewed on his shirt constantly. Nice. And I picked on him once. So don't chew on your shirt, I think is the moral of the story. Or Griffin will beat you up. I'll

beat the shit out of you. Well, I didn't like it. You know, I've only ever beaten up one person, but I did it three times a day, every day for six years. So last week, he killed my family. Poor guy. Poor guy. I forced him into it. Hey, I was recently cast in a movie, which is exciting. The catch is that I have to gain about 20 pounds to look right for my role. And we're shooting at the end of January. What's the quickest way to put on the pounds? Irritatingly thin hipster in Portland. Eat a bunch of fucking food. Yeah, put some, put some food down your face. Get food and then eat it. It's the best. Now, if you have to put on 20 pounds, do you mean 20 pounds of fat? Or do you mean 20 pounds of pure American muskles?

Pure diesel. Get pure diesel. If you want to get ripped and if you want to put on muscle mass fast, the best thing for you to do is start lifting. Because I think that that works a lot of your muscle sections. It works your delums, your Michelle, Nino and cellos. It works those pretty well. Your pervices. It works your pervices out real tight, real nice. If you lift it while you're lifting it, if you can torque it, you can, you can boost your torque also. And maybe, maybe you should back it up and reverse it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just throwing up. Torque it and if you can, while lifting, torque it. Just a little bit. Torque it and twink it. Just make it torque. Yeah. I think pure squats. If you could just do pure squats with a big barbell, you're going to get

really strong. And I don't think anybody ever expects a hipster to be strong. Yeah. No, you should add 20 pounds, but all in your legs. Ooh, that's good. Just remain waist up, hips to thin, giant. So it's like a big, stupid upside down Popeye. So twerk it while doing dumbbell squats. Be careful because that is how people accidentally poop their guts out. That's a real, that's a, do you guys know about that? You can, everything that holds it in down there, if you squat it too hard, it just goes and then. It just gives up. It just goes and then like your, all your insides are outside. Whoops. You're going to look fantastic. You're going to look great. You're going to lose 40 pounds and also the ability to be alive anymore. Some crucial

pounds though. Some really good pounds that you really need. Have you seen seven pounds, seven pounds starring Will Smith? Kind of like that. Sort of that. I think that if you're trying to gain the weight, you should find yourself one of your overweight friends and make a deal with him where it's like, Hey, every time you're going to eat, let me know and I'm going to eat with you. Make enough for two. You're talking about, or you take the food away from your fat friend and then you do like a one pound in, one pound out sort of. Yeah. You're like, I'll eat that big plate of fried chicken and pasta you made and you can drink this PBR. I was going to drink. Yeah. Just make sure whatever you do, nothing too drastic. Still take your vitamins, get your omega

threes, get your immunity boosting superfruit gummies from Genesis today. You can like carb, carboload, right? Yeah, that would be the thing. When Ray Liotta started raging bull and he had to play Tony Montana at the end and be a really fat boxer, that's what he did. He just played after played a pasta. Because what you don't want to do is just eat like fistfuls of like twinkies or something because yeah, you'll gain the weight and also diabetes. Yeah, you don't want to over do it with a sugar, but take your vitamins. That's important. You guys hear about- Stop walking around everywhere. Do you guys hear about polynein? What about her? She got diabetes. No. Yeah. Well, she probably didn't get diabetes.

It was always nestled inside her core. Just waiting to strike, I guess. Yeah. The magic wasn't in the hamburger donuts. The magic was in you all along. I mean, let's not make fun of the lady. Why not? She has a debilitating illness now, Travis. Yeah. What are you- Well, I mean like she probably- What I'm arguing is that she might have had an undiagnosed case of diabetes for the last 10 years or so. Okay. It's hard. I don't know. I don't know an exact number. She had secret betas. Right. Well, for Bramley, has extremely, extremely evident diabetes. Public betas. He wears his betas on his sleeve. He's got betas on his sleeve. Anthony Bourdain, who once famously called polynein the most dangerous person in America, said in a quote,

he said something like, well, you can't really say this is much of a surprise. Yeah. Maybe this forces her to get fat and boring, like Graham Care. Anybody, you guys remember Graham Care? I have no idea what you're talking about. The Galloping Gourmet, who tried to get healthy and no one gave a shit anymore. Like, get out. We don't want our chefs to be eating healthy stuff. We want to keep- No, we want the two fat ladies that are like eating just bowlfuls of butter. I love those ladies. Yeah. You know what happened to one of those ladies, Trev? What? Dead. Dead is disco. Yeah. Now it's one fat lady, and that's not a cooking show. It's an episode of hoarders. What if they flip it? What if we get a Freaky

Friday one-in-one out, and we do. Paula Deen gets real healthy. I would watch a show about that, and then Jamie Oliver just loses his mind and just eats nothing but trans fats. And if they were doing it, there would be a moment on the show, an episode, where they were meeting each other. Two champs passing. And they would fall in love forever. Paula, I've always really thought you were real fat, right? But now, I'm sort of fat, and you're less fat. We're both at 220 lbs. We weigh 16 stones. However many stones it is, I forget. Sometimes I forget how many pound stones are. I know that's weird for somebody from England. Right. But like, would you guys say pounds? We think money, but

it's real confusing, right? So like, you say I think you weigh 220 money. Yeah. Hey, you look, buddy, the Mivo girl, I love the silver hair. I want to call you Silver Fox. I really love, please ignore my stretch marks. I've gained quite a bit of weight. Real close together, right? What if Jamie Oliver went to a poor city, and then make that city fat? Or he went to like a really skinny, like, well-to-do city, and said, I'm going to mess this place up. Let's plump it. San Francisco, you're making everyone else miserable. Let's get the average up. Everybody plump it up. Plump it up, right? Just like me. Fat Jamie Oliver. Mr. Polydeed. I took it away from that fat Santa Claus guy.

We're in love. The Lady and Sons and me, Jamie Oliver. We're all in love. We're all in love. No, that's not right. Griffin, do you have any yahoo's lying around? Yeah, I got a bunch. Let's keep the food train rollin'. This one is sent in by Gali Ayali. Thanks, Gali Ayali. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Hi. That's H-I-G-H. And then a question mark. Who asks, yes? Your own Yahoo Answers, I'm going to assume. What do you do to make the lettuce on your sandwich feel sexy? Wait. The responses to this question really shows off that Yahoo Answers is just an Algonquin roundtable of comedy. Wait, hold on. Is there no more to the question? That's it. No, that's it.

Megan responded, lay my meat on it real slow, then squirt mayo on it. Oh, God. I get it all wet, put it under water, just to make it so much more important that the rest of the lettuce, when really I'm just trying to wash any bacteria off, then I get kinky with it and bite it. That got, that took a weird practical turn in the middle. Yo, girl, you know DDT and what all, and then I frunk it. Dress it up in something sexy, not mayo. I can't enjoy it if it's dry unless it stays completely naked, whisper naughty things to it, put it in your mouth to bite it and suck on it. Everybody, it's lettuce. What's the matter with you? Let me suck on this sandwich, Fixens.

I forgot, I've lost the place where it's Griffin and the Yahoo Answers things and I just think my brothers is awful, awful mess of humidity. Add salad cream. Oh, God. No, wait, hold on. Does it say add salad cream? Add salad cream in all caps and a smiley face at the end of it. Hey America, that's not even a thing. That's not a thing. You made up salad cream for your dumb joke. You mean salad dressing? A special secret sauce. Why are you, why are you choosing on your sandwich? Why are you objectifying lettuce? Put that away. How about you just eat it? How about you just put it in your mouth because of lettuce? Hey internet, stop what you're doing, put down the mouse, open the front door and walk outside and remember that you live in a real world with

consequences for your actions. Call your dad, call your dad. Just call him what you're doing right now. You're talking about fucking lettuce. Can I give you guys just the fucking straight dope? Yeah. And here's the truth and if you're sitting at home, you're gonna, you're gonna, at first you'll, you'll raise an eyebrow and then you'll admit it's true. The only reason anybody has ever put lettuce on a sandwich is so it looks more like a sandwich on TV. Yes. That's 100% like, oh man, this really looks like a sandwich now, not just meat on bread. It looks like something on TV. If you want it cr- Sometimes I do it to trick my brain into thinking that I'm eating vegetables. There's people in our listening audience right now who are like, but I like it when the sandwich is

crunchy. Then put Fritos on that shit because Fritos tastes- You put potato chips on that shit. Fritos tastes great. Yeah. Fritos are great. Lettuce is, is for appearances only. It should feel sexy because it's, we only want it for its looks, right? I'm personifying lettuce now. And then I want to bite it. Suck on that sandwich. What are you doing? That's not how you consume it. Someone said, someone responded, I'd put it in between two big baps. What? Sorry, what? I put it in between two big African princesses. Is that what it is? I think that's what a bap is, right? Isn't that what Halle Berry taught us? To the Google. To the Google. Google away. To the baps. I'm pretty sure that was Halle Berry

and another lady who has not maintained the same level of fame over time that Halle Berry did. It is actually a flowery softbread roll, so not sexual at all. Oh, used affectionately to describe breasts, so. Okay. All right. Why do you want to eat boobs with lettuce in it? I want to put some lettuce between a girl's boobs and then she'll get real mad at me. Yeah, this is going to be mad. Because that's a weird thing to do to someone. Paula Deenio. Oh, was that the voicemail he left? Hey, listen. I want to put some lettuce between your baps. Hey, this is Steve. We met at Jill's party. Had a great time talking to you and I want to put some lettuce in your boobs. I would like to put some crisp iceberg in between your bosoms.

Just let's come on over. So, call me back. Let's split up a zone and do this. Get this done. We'll eat a bosom and then we'll take a pizze and I need you to sex up my lettuce. You know, speaking of lettuce, the best way I know of getting Eccomore is by going to the money zone. This message is for Scott Hammond and it's coming from your buddy, Josh. And we just want to say, hey, happy 24th birthday. I bet it's cold where you're at right now. Northern Ontario, Canada. Yeah, I'd say it's pretty chilly. Yeah, pretty chilly. I hope you're snuggling up with friends and loved ones. Not that those two groups are always mutually exclusive. I hope you're snuggling with strangers. Yeah. Making a love connection with some weirdos.

Like on the bus, right? Yeah. Snuggled up with strangers. Or in a subway. Like a restaurant. Subway. Yeah, like a restaurant and subway. You're snuggled up next to a sandwich artist. So happy birthday to Scott, 24 years young. You got one more year to start rolling towards 30. You don't look a day over 12. Yeah, gorgeous. Scott has asked that I sing him something, but he's spelled my name wrong. So I'll just sing one note. I feel haunted now. That was haunting. You can get the rest of the song on your next birthday. Just spell my name right. God damn it. Dan Rogers. You got a message coming from Mike and Tony and Danielle and Colin and Kristoff and Alex and Mark and Chris. Jesus. That's with a KRI.

You got a lot of friends, Dan. I wish I had more friends. Guys, do you know what today is? Well, you can't because Dan has all the friends. Yeah, Dan took all your friends and it's Dan's 24th birthday too. Oh man. What? He's a witty. Dan and Scott are separated at birth. Well, he's a witty, well-dressed dude. Now, I have no proof of that. This is second hand. He likes great music and has an eclectic taste for fighting game characters. Like, he knows his booze. Weird fighting game characters like Voldo from Soul Calibur. Yeah, like Pepsi Man. That's deep. It's a deep cut. Real deep. Like Spawn. Yeah. And he introduced all your friends to Mbim Bam, which is the most important thing you've ever done or ever will do. So thank you, Dan, for

that. And happy birthday, my friend. So go out there, enjoy some of the booze you know so well, and enjoy doing the hustle because that's your life. That's your day-to-day. And you've lived 24 years of it. No reason to change now. Lean into it. That's what I say. Cool to change. Keep talking about how Blanca is your favorite Street Fighter character. You've earned it. Hey, and speaking of people we love because we do very much love Dan and Scott, we also love the other podcasts on the Maximum Fun Network. So let's hear from one of those right now. Hello there. My name's Graham Clark. And I'm Dave Schumka. And together we host a podcast called Stop Podcasting Yourself. This is a file that you download from the internet and then you listen

to it in your pod. What's that about, you ask? Well, who are you to ask? Who do you think you are? Yeah, get lost, bozo. We're a couple of stand-up comedians in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, and every week we bring a guest on the show. Sometimes they're Canadian, sometimes they're not, sometimes they're a ghost. It's like you're sitting in on a friendly afternoon chat. Plus we're Canadian, so you get a tax break. You can find us on iTunes or online at MaximumFun.org. Guys, a couple of months ago I asked a girl out. She said yes, and we went on a couple of dates. Everything went fine at first, but for the next few weeks she was constantly busy any time I asked her out. She would agree to go somewhere, but sometimes

something would always come up on the day of. I got the hint, figured it wasn't going anywhere. After about a month she wanted to go out again, but yet stood me up a few more times. I understand things come up, but this is ridiculous. Should I continue trying to pursue a relationship or just move on? It's from Confused in New York. What's the fucking debate? You move on. Yeah, you get out. Just leave. And maybe take some of her stuff with you when you go. Listen, I have wanted to like pickles for as long as I can remember. And every few months I'll open up a pickle jar, I'll get a nice long kosher dill, something that looks real crisp and great, and I'll take a bite and I'll say no, I still hate this. That's what she's doing with

you right now. She keeps forgetting that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, so she'll call and she'll talk to you for a few minutes, then she'll say, hey, wait a minute, I still don't like this. I want to stand him up again. That's what's happening at best. Yeah, at worst she's just a fucking jerk and you don't have to waste it. At worst she's saying I'm bored, maybe I'll make plans with him until something better comes along than cancel them. You should do like pickles should have done to me long ago and dump me. Do you know how many two-thirds uneaten pickles I've thrown in the trash? That's what your heart is like right now. It's like a two-thirds uneaten pickle. Yeah. You're better than this. You're better. You are. Yeah. You deserve

better than this. There's somebody out there. You're in New York, okay? That's the Windy City. Windy City, the city of brotherly love and big shoulders. Get in there and find somebody who is worth your time because this person is not. And boy, howdy, if you've never gotten the opportunity to really hardcore reject somebody who asks you out. Holy shit. Oh man, that's going to do wonders for your body, for your ego. I think that it's, I mean, I've been through this before that person where you see other people going through it and someone like keeps canceling plans on them and like flaking out and you're like, hey, come on, why's up? Look at what's happening. But we've all been in that position before where it's like, you know, things are coming up. There's a good

excuse here. Like she had to hang out with her sister tonight, so she had to cancel. It's always so much harder to see it from the inside, you know? Yeah. And so this is us telling you from the outside, get out. Let us into your heart first. Let us inside. And now that we're inside, we're telling you like, hey, this is a mess. You need to get out. It sounds like she's a little bit evil. She's giving you the, just a little bit. She's giving you the run around. Why should I want to give you the round, run around? I mean, it seems like a surefire way to heat things up, but it seems like all it's doing is slowing you down. That's just from us. Us, us and our friend, John Popper, our dear friend, John Popper. We all agree. Hey, John. Hi, John.

Thank you for listening. Hey, John. We'll see you next week at the Catskills. We're worried about your weight. We're worried about you. Kind of up and down with you. Up and down, but I hope you're okay. You need a lot of lung capacity and it seems like sandwiches aren't helping in that respect. He's like wicked thin, but like every time he gets super thin, I think, well, that's a lot more Coke he's doing. Yeah. And then when he gets super fat, I think, well, I cut back on the Coke, but now I love sandwiches. So I don't know what to do with John Popper. It seems like Coke and sandwiches are giving him the run around. Why do they want to give him the round, run around? Ironically, if every once in a while,

he would just get up and run around. He would probably sit down a little bit, which would be Yeah, but then the Coke brings him back. Come on, Griffin, you know all the words. I don't. Please don't pretend like you don't know all the words. Do you want to do it? Go for it. I don't know it. I get the rap break of that song and the rap break of One Week makes stuff in my head because in my head, booze traveler and bear naked ladies are just one big blob of blue, average music. Of drug addiction. Griffin, you know what I mean. Don't hold back. Are you talking about a yahoo? No, I'm talking about a French kiss from a Parisian lady. Yes, I'm talking about a yahoo.

I'm ready. Here comes a yahoo. This one was sent in by Lisa Holofield. Thank you, Lisa. It's by a yahoo answers user steveman3015. That's a pretty good username. Yeah, who asks. What would happen if Uncle Jesse in parentheses John Stamos from Full House do if he got shorted a nugget at McDonald's? Say he orders a 20 piece nugget. He receives his order. He counts the nuggets and he sees he only received 19 of them. What would he do? Now, this could just be a thought exercise that this guy is doing, but I would like to think that this man, Steve Mann, has been shorted a nugget and he's like, I don't know what to do. That's why I have to look. Where can I look for advice?

Towards John Stamos. Uncle Jesse from Full House. His is www.ujfhdbracers. I think that John Stamos would get really mad at the person behind the counter, but then after a moment's thought, he would have mercy. Jesus. I think he would have mercy. Give me another nugget. I think he would. I think he would get up and he would leave the McDonald's restaurant because he's John Goddamn Stamos. Why the hell is he at McDonald's ordering chicken nuggets? He could be eating chicken nuggets. Rebecca remains back instead. He's there and McDonald's by now. Maybe this person was writing some really shitty fan fiction. They're like, well,

I'm stumped. I don't know where to go with this story next. Maybe to choose your own adventure starring John Stamos. I know I'm on to something with the missing nugget. Pretty sure that's a pretty deep vein. Have you guys read that new book, John Stamos and the Case of the Missing Nugget? You know what I bet happened? I bet Comet got up on the table and nibbled it. I'm just kidding. Comet's dead as fuck, everybody. And then Michelle looked over and said, how wound? And it was adorable. No, she didn't, Travis. Because she's 35 fucking years old now and John Stamos is dead. And that was Stephanie, you dumb bitch. Hey, Justin, it was an interchangeable

catchphrase that both of them said. That's incorrect. It is correct. You are an asshole and a liar. You, sir, you slandered me for the last time. Full house trivia. Michelle, did you know that Ashley Olson and Mary Kay Olson had to wear flippers that wear false teeth because they came in at different speeds? You didn't know that, did you? Well, now you do. Did you know that on that show, one kid was played by two kids and then two kids were played by three kids? Did you guys know that who could name the original name of Full House? That's originally called House of Comics was the original bitch and it was not a good name. Sourdough's Sweethearts was the original name of the show. What's with all these dudes? Yeah, you know what? The weirdest thing about Full House is

if the mom wasn't dead, it would be the weirdest goddamn show on television. Have you guys seen the new episode of Lazy Uncles? At one point, one of them was living in the living room. They just like strung up a sheet and that was his bedroom. The theme song originally went everywhere you look. There is an uncle. There are uncles fucking everywhere. And you know what's even weirder? Only Uncle Jesse was related by blood. Joey was just there. Just there. There's a fucking embarrassment of uncles in this household. A murder of uncles. That was actually the first. The original title was a murder of uncles. Do you know that for seven years Joey Gladstone would meet a woman at a bar and she would say, should we go back to your place? And he would say, I'm not sure that's a good idea.

I live with my friend and his brother-in-law and his three daughters and my brother-in-law's wife and their twin sons and our dog. And Kimmy Gibbler from time to time. And Kimmy Gibbler occasionally and also all of my puppets and then Popeye Toys. And I have to record the rush hour renegades. I just probably get going. You know if that show I recorded today, rush hour renegades would be a podcast, right? And I don't need the competition for it. That's true. And maybe the Smash Club? Is that it? The Smash Club? The Smash Club lives in their house? I thought so. I felt like that show was like some kind of horrific like MCS show drawing where no one could escape the house. Like Uncle Jesse got married and had twins and they put him in the attic.

Like some kind of crazy aunt. Let's also remember that Jesse's last name changed midstream and no one commented on it. I'm not sure logic and reason hold sway in this room. How do you know so fucking much about Full House Tray? It used to be Jesse Cochran, but John Stamos wanted something that sounded more Greek. Yeah. More true to his heritage. So he picked the most Greek name that there is on the earth. Yeah, right. A Stephanopoulos hero must dash back here. Please, can that be my name? Hey, I've been dating someone for a month now and have just been given a things have been moving too fast for me type speech with accompanying positive comments about me and the relationship

alongside their request to slow things down. Granted, we do have a high level of emotional and physical intimacy after only 30 days. But is there any translation of this kind of talk that actually means let's take things slower and work this out? Or is this just the beginning of the ending? And this is from nowhere to fold them. And a little bit of additional details here. This is from a girl talking about the guy she was dating. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So this is the guy had the speech of we're moving too fast. I would suspect and this is my cynical opinion, but I would suspect that the guy says that because, you know, he's not ready for that kind of commitment and wants to kind of look around.

No, I'm not sure. I'm not. I don't know, Trav. I think this might be the one case where like, I know coded language is huge in relationships and I get it and I know it's like it's value. But maybe this is a situation where taking it face value. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Yeah. You know, if you if you get spooked and you start trying to hold on tighter, that is certainly not going to alleviate this problem. Yeah, you know, I completely agree. I think that, you know, now that you've said that, I think the worst thing to do is to try to read into it and try it because you look at it one of two ways. A, take it at face value and it is true and he just wants to slow down and kind of take it slow, not rush it. B, he's not sure and he's kind of

doubting if it's going to work out. Like either way, play it cool, do what you do and don't worry about it because if you try to rush it and you try to push and pull him closer, that's going to scare him away. And otherwise, you're completely going against what he's just asked to do. I'm going to give an informed opinion on this. I'm going to need to know a whole lot more about that fiscal intimacy. I mean, Griffin needs you to describe, like, what's the lettuce doing? Yeah. Where does break it down like you were making a sandwich? Which one of you is the is the Babs? Can I also say, and now I stand by the advice we have given, I think that that's the right play here, but I don't understand people who want to slow it down. I don't get it. Like, are you,

are you a different species whose lifespan is not already, like, cosmically insignificant? If all of human history were a football field, your life would be a blade of grass at the end of the end zone. Like, you don't have time to slow it down. Mine would be the goalpost. Yes. Well, I lead a pretty important life. Your birth and eventual life achievements are the end point, the end game of human evolution. Everybody knows that, but for the rest of us, for everyone else, for the rest of us, plebs. Tim Tebow actually believes that it's like everything past the 20 yard line. It's like a whole bunch. Is that Tim Tebow? That is a very, very obscure Tim Tebow evolution joke. Okay, great. I think that it just seems like when you're in a relationship

and you met someone you really connected with and you have this passion and emotion, it just seems like the idea of saying, like, we need to slow it down completely goes against everything. Like, hey, this is going so good and we're having a great time, so let's ruin it. Yeah. The best. Wait, now, see, now I'm flipping on this. Yeah. Like, why, why should you be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't want more of a relationship with you? And this is completely a personal thing. I just don't get it. If you like the person and you're getting along, well, what are you waiting for? Why are you slowing down? Like, are you afraid you're going to use it all up? Let me play devil's advocate here because there is such a thing as moving too

fast. Like, let's not be, like, if this person, and I'm not saying the listener, I'm sure they have a good head on their shoulders, but if you can move it too fast and be like, hey, baby names, like we've been dating three weeks, it's not baby name time. So maybe we don't know the extent to how fast this thing is, how fast this bullet train is moving. Counterpoint, though, I think that you can, and maybe this is why he said it, and I think this is the way to look at it. The only way you can move too fast is if you're moving too fast for one of the people in the relationship. So I think it's not that there is a set speed that every relationship should move at, and it's like a template everyone should follow, but it might be that it is moving too fast for him

and fine for you. Okay, here's what you do. I got this. I got this solved. I think we're close to giving good advice on this. So I know we're looping around the bend. I think you need to slow it down maybe even more than that person wants and make them really think about what they want out of the relationship. Slow it down to the point where, you know, the phone calls don't come as often and that if they want out, let them get out. But if you pull back on some of the stuff, some of that good, good loving, both emotionally and physical, then they're going to realize what they've been missing. Let me say, and maybe that's all it takes. I don't think that him telling you this, like being open and saying that things are moving too fast for him, I don't think that is

as bad as him not telling you that, but still acting on it. Like everybody's had that happen to them and it sucks where they just like stop returning your calls or they, you know, they try to slow it down with actions instead of telling you like straight up, I feel uncomfortable with this. I think that that is better than them just acting like it and not telling you and you thinking that they just don't like you anymore. Yeah. Just, just, yeah, slow it down. Pump the brakes a little bit. Pump the brakes. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. We're here for you. Take good care of you. Hand me that lettuce. Let's, let's continue this serious streak by jumping into a very, very serious Yahoo. It was sent in by Daniel Parker. Thank you, Daniel.

Um, it's, it's by Yahoo! Inserts user Pokefan Jeremy who asks seriously, do you consider a Pokemon fetish as bestiality? I was arguing with my friends about that. I was saying, no, it's not as Pokemon are based off of animals. They are fictional and are not considered bestiality. They say that Pokemon are like 90% animal. So that makes it count as bestiality. What do you think? And BTW, no mean comments. I do not need them here. Yeah, you do. Not here. I think, I think you do. I think, I think Pokefan Jeremy might have a vested interest in this discussion. I'm, I don't think this is just a logistical exercise for Pokefan Jeremy. I like, I enjoy that Pokefan Jeremy felt the need

to clarify that he was arguing that it wasn't bestiality. I think we could have inferred that. Yeah, we know the side of the argument. You're on Jeremy. I think, um, the, the, I don't know. It's sort of a damn if you do, damn if you don't. Like, it's either bestiality or a sexual obsession with Japanese base monsters. Yeah, wouldn't you rather it be bestiality? I think I would rather it be bestiality, because then I could like go to conventions and stuff. I imagine the Pokemon fetish or community could probably fit in a very, very small room. Christ, I hope that that lasts. You go to the bestiality conventions and you, you reveal that the animal you're attracted to you is

Pokemon. Yeah. You're not welcome back to the conference. Yeah, I'm sorry to disagree with your girlfriend, but Pokemon fetish convention takes up a very, very big space. It's called Pax East. Oh, buzzing. That's probably not true. Pokemon are still a thing, right? The magic of Pokemon is still very much alive in some people's hearts. Okay. So can I get a, can I get a verdict on this? Like, can we actually rule on this? Is, is Pokemon, I mean, I'm going to say they're close, they're beasts. Can we get logical in nature, but they're still beasts, right? Let's get some opinions from the, the peanut gallery. There's actually only one answer, but it was elected as the best answer chosen by voters. I think that it isn't and

shouldn't be considered beastiality because of four reasons. One, like you said, one, god. One, like you said, they are based off of real animals. Two, it's not like you are having sex with them, they are fictional. I don't know. I think you could thread that needle. Three, even if they are 90% animal, having a lot of Pokemon is like having a lot of pets. Four, loving Pokemon and having a lot of them. Hold on. Yeah. Number three is saying it's cool because it's not beastiality if you bone your pets. Yeah, that's just great. That's cock-a-la-me. Four, loving Pokemon and having a lot of them is like being a cat lady. If you love cats and own 20 of them, does that mean that you have a cat fetish and it should be considered beastiality? Those are my four reasons

why a fetish for Pokemon shouldn't be considered beastiality. Sources, my perspective. What, what did you do your doctorate on? Actually, I did my doctorate on whether or not I did it on a yahoo interest form. It was a five-part dissertation. It's a, it's my, my capstone is called fucking Charmander. The word fetish means not like you're really into it and interested in them and a collector and a fan. It means that you cannot become sexually aroused unless they are present. Right. So it's not like being a cat lady and owning a bunch of cats. It's like masturbating to a Pokemon poster. Yeah. It's not like I, I really like watching Gentle Ben. So I'm beast you out. No, like just liking animals isn't the same thing. It's, it's completely different.

It's like you like to sex them. You want to sex the Pokemon. You want to sex the Pokemon. And as I looked around and you choose them for sexing. Yeah. I don't want to be a stickler about this, but if you want to have sex with Pokemon, it doesn't really matter what label you put on it. You're not, you're not going to, it's not like you need to make it easy to explain to your grandparents. Okay. Like for the last time grandma. Okay. Listen, just follow me here. Follow me. It's not bestiality. It's not weird like that. I just want to fuck Charmander. I just want to fuck his brains out. Is that okay? Except he's a fire type. It'd probably be pretty, probably be pretty uncomfortable on your, on your business region. That is simply ghastly. Do you guys think that

Herman Cain has this? He's got a poke addiction. Yeah. No, I think he appreciates Pokemon for their, for their, the allegory to humanity struggles. I guess, but I think that eventually that morphs, that metamorphs into sexual frustration. Why can't I fuck Squirtle? That's a good question. It's right there. It's right there in my Game Boy. It's so close. It's right there in my Game Boy color. It's so vivid. I'm going to close the lid on my wiener. That's life. Hey, listen, thank you so much for joining us again for another episode. You can find us at mbmbam.com. Don't forget there are forums at MaximumFun.org where you can go and discuss the show. And where you can also go to download all the other wonderful MaximumFun.org podcasts.

You need to grab the new episode of Jesse Thorne's show, Bullseye, which is sort of a, a new branding for the Sound of Young America. It's called Bullseye now and we were on the last episode. We did a segment about pop culture advice and if you would listen to that and if you like it, maybe send Jesse a note and say, hey, I really like this. Let's, let's have it again because I'm enjoying it very much. Yes, because we're enjoying being real famous and not just like you people famous. Yeah, you can actually hear, also hear that show on some NPR stations and it's on XM public radio. So radio guys heard of it? I bet you have. Yeah, radio. I want a new thing is Sleeping the Nation. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long

Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed, which it seems like in the past week or two, like I've gotten like 50 people who are like, hey, I bought that album. It's super good. It is super good. You should buy it. Also, if you haven't listened to Roderick on the line, it's John Roderick and Merlin Man's new podcast. That shit's super good too. It's not on the Maxfun network, but although the Maxfun network is adding a new show. So we don't know what we haven't heard yet. It's a secret, but we're getting a new brother and a little brother or sister very soon. So does this mean that Jesse will love us less? Yeah. Yeah, basically. Thank you to everybody who tweeted

about the show using the NBNB game hashtag, Ashna Basu, Johnny Maddass, J Wiltshire, JD Chen, everybody. I really, company pants. I really appreciate everybody. And that's how a lot of people find out about the show. And remember, if someone asks you what you're talking about, be sure to hit them with a link to our sampler. It's bit.ly forward slash it's mobim bam. And also, once again, happy birthday to Scott and Dan. And if you would like to have a message on the Jumbotron or wish someone a happy birthday, or maybe, you know, pimp your company or your business, just go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron. And you too can have a message on my brother, my brother and me. Oh, and I have a new show. It's about television. I do it with my

wife, Sydney. It's called the satellite. It's called satellite dish with Justin and Sydney. You can find it on iTunes and get it there. We're also on Twitter at the sat dish. And I also have another podcast called in case of emergency, where we talk about five step plans to survive all kinds of different emergencies. Check it out. I also have a podcast called I wish my fucking brothers would focus on one show at once and give it all the attention that it needs so it can grow into the multimedia empire that I wanted to become. And they obviously don't because they're fucking doing other shit instead of the shit that I'm on. That's on Twitter too. That's on Twitter. Facebook it and tumble. Grindr. This final grinder question was sent

by golly alley. It's by who answers user Harlem kid 82485 who asks, was anybody else touched by the curious case of Benjamin Button? I'm Travis McIlroy. I'm Griffin McIlroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kids or dad square on the lips.