My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 89: Grab the Merkin

Episode Date: January 30, 2012

We're centering our chakras and aligning our voodoo power centers to bring you our most spiritual episode to date. Come, join us as we look not only into the problems of our dear listeners, but also, the maladies of the soul. Suggested talking points: Prisoner of Worship, Fridge, Third Wheel, Arch Duke Zach Morris, Dupree'd, Merksmanship, Bakulover

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother and my brother, I mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy, and I was just talking with my middle brother, Travis McElroy. You just went to Zen Church, I was correct. That is correct. And you and I have been told by you that your chakras are really right. They are gaping open. Your chakras are so sharp that

Zena could throw them. That's right. That is correct. Now, I did have a question about Zen Church, and I think you're probably better equipped to answer it than my youngest brother, Griffin McElroy, who's also with us. When you go, do you have to renounce Jesus and his teachings? Or how does that work? I wouldn't say renounce, but he is not allowed to come in with me. He has to sit on the stairs outside and wait for me, like that scene in Peanuts, when Snoopy has to wait outside the library for Charlie Brown, and the music plays, and it plays, no Jesus allowed. Wow. Does he mind that? Is that hard on him? No, I give him some money to grab an ice cream bar from the ice cream man when he passes, so he has a pretty good

time. Okay, good. This podcast is like a pretty sharp anti-Jesus term pretty quickly. Why? I'm giving him ice cream. How's that anti-Jesus? You know, I went to see my voodoo practitioner today, and you guys didn't seem eager to talk to me about that. You're really, you've been a hugely, hugely different personality wise since you started. Every time I tried to eat a frog, you're like, hey, what are you, what are you doing with his gizzard? That's racist. Can I have his gizzard? That is, what? That thing you just said is racist. I... voodoo practitioners love gizzards, frog gizzards. They use them in everything. It's racist of voodoo's? Is that... So the voodoo people? Oh, like me. The voodoo. The creole, ah, fuck it. Jesus lives in my heart, and I never let him out.

He's like a prison. You don't let him get ice cream? I don't let him get out for anything. Only the ice cream that Justin eats. I'm afraid, I'm afraid he'll leave. He says, I just, he needs to get out to stretch his legs. I say, no, he's staying there. He's a POW. Prisoner of worship. Prisoner of worship. So let's get to the advice. I'm 22 years old, and I've never been involved in any kind of sports due to the fact that I used to be rather overweight and hated any physical activity. That never stopped Goldberg the goalie, but we'll move on. After deciding to lose some weight, I've dropped over 80 pounds and have found myself in an awkward situation. I want to get involved in team sports, but due to my lack of effort

growing up, I feel inept in any physical activity besides running on my own. Not really a team sport. Do you have any suggestions on sports? I could easily pick up or ways to join a sports team and pretend that I'm good. That's from inept in England. And boy, have you come to the right place. Well, first, congrats on dropping 80 pounds. Jesus Christ, dude. Is it that easy? Can I do that? Can I just be like, I decide to weigh 80 less pounds? I feel like there's a couple of steps in the middle there. Like I decided to lose some weight, so I dropped 80 pounds. Bam. Willed it off. Yeah, right. I don't know. First off, sports in England, you're, I don't know what you guys are doing over there. So you're going to have to take our American advice and maybe

there's probably a parallel sport for every sport that we're starting in. Running through Google Translate or something. Cricket. You got cricket. You got Crockett. You got darts. You got lawn darts. That's huge over there. Rugby. Darts. Extreme rugby. Double extreme rugby. And boring rugby. Boring rugby. Rugby. No hands, anybody. This is, this is, this is no hands rugby. No hands, no feet rugby. The thing is, uh, you, you, there are, there are sports you could play if you're just a big fat guy without athletic talent. Like you'd be, I, I, I know when I was playing Midget League football, I was the center, which meant that I stood there. I was not aware of the rules of

football. And people just kept running into you. They kept running into me and it would hurt. Hey, excuse me, bro. I was staying in there. Got me again. You could be, yeah, that's a great, center is a great position. I believe that was the position filled by Fridge, the refrigerator, Perry. Yeah, but he's not, he's not big anymore. You know, Griffin, I'm almost certain his first name is not Fridge. He's Fridge nicknamed the refrigerator. Hey, I got a great nickname for you, Fridge. Let me guess. I thought that. It's Whirlpool. It was because he was shaped like a refrigerator. And also his first name was Fridge. And so it was really logical.

They put two and two together. What about Warren, Warren, the refrigerator sap? John, the refrigerator, Elway. It's just a, it's a, it's a name that gets passed out. Chris, Chris, the refrigerator, say both. He means the letter. Sports Maria, the refrigerator, Sharapova. You know, as far as team sports, I know what you're saying, because it's like, a lot of people depend on you, like catching the baseball and knowing where to throw the baseball. That's why I didn't do very well. I tried to join a softball team and I would, I would catch it. I got good hand to eye coordination from the Vigia games,

but then I would catch it, just sort of look panicked. And just drop it on the ground and go, I don't want it. I don't want it. It's too much. Not mine. My legs lock up like one of those fainting goats. Whenever anyone pays any amount of attention to me, which made, which made playing the infield and baseball really, really terrifying. Cause like it's a shortstop. If you catch that ball and try to run it to third, but then your legs lock up and you fall over and you poop your pants a little bit, they won't let you play sports anymore. The Griffin McRoy story. Starting Chris O'Donnell kind of a theater near you.

Do you guys have over in England, do you guys have kickball? Do you guys do kickball? Cause I find that that's really easy to like just step into a game and like call your friends, like, Hey, you guys want to get together a kickball game? Like kickball is pretty good. It's not really, I don't think it qualifies as a sport. It's more of a game, but I think it'd be a good place to start, but it's a good place to like start learning the basics of like team sports and everything and kind of get out there and get active. Here in the Americas, we have social clubs in some cities where you can come and play. There's actually two here in Austin and one is for people who are actually good at sports.

And I think they have like a softball league. And the other one is for people who just want to like drink and hang out outside and play like kickball and the like. And the best is when the two of them compete for the citywide trophy, it just gets rambunctious. You basically get a heavy dual scenario going on. They have a name for people who just want to drink and play outside. It's called all of sports ever. The good news is I found because I, you know, I to you, I'm not the biggest sports nut, but I find that you've probably got a friend that if you said to him, you know,

I'm kind of interested in sports. He is just going to inundate you with help. Yeah. Yeah, I can be like a sport friend. Well, come on with me. Let's go down and watch a cricket bout. You know, it's funny by definition, if you about the phrase, I'm not a sports nut, is that if you actually use the phrase sports nut, it automatically disqualifies you from the distinction. Unless you're Bob Euker. If you're Bob Euker, he can say he's a sports nut.

Yeah. Other than that, like, you don't like sports. You're saying something you think someone likes sports. I'm a bit of a sports nut. I think you could call me a sports nut. I spend time at the BW3s. One could accurately classify me as a basket ballman. A soccerista. A soccerista in your country of, well, I don't know what they call it.

Footballerino. Football, footballist, I guess. You know, it's great. Long games. I don't know if you can solve your problem with long games, but long games are like sports. They don't require any movement whatsoever, and you can drink outside while you play them.

And the more you drink, the better you get at them. Yeah. Can you, like, frisbee? No, I mean, like, Ladderball. Baggos and Ladderball and Washers and Croquet. Croquet is my new jam. If you guys haven't played Croquet, go to Target.

Buy yourself a $30 Croquet set. Get a bunch of people together. Drink mimosas and play Croquet all day. I would love it if Croquet would have a big, like, resurgence. I'm trying to get it started here in the ATX, but it's hard. It's hard. We're so separated from the rest of the country.

What about... No, I got nothing. I like that honesty. Polo. That's what I was going for. Polo. Polo. We need more horse-based sports.

That's... We need to be more honest about the production of this show, Travis. I like that. When Griffin was talking about mimosas and Croquet, I should have just said some sort of dot-nabby reference that I can't come up with. Yeah. There's something about the guy Carter said his name.

Fuck. Mr. Bates. Mr. Bates. It's good. Croquet. God damn it. He got me. So maybe try fencing.

No one knows how you're really supposed to do that. Don't do that. No, don't fucking do that. It's just sword fighting. It's just sword fighting. Trapeze artist. Trapezing. No one knows how to do that.

Now that you could get Jack. What if he broke his back? Put the weight right back on. You want that heat? Then it becomes a lifetime movie and it's awesome. The Griffin McRoy story. I lost my fat, but then I broke my back and I found it again. And then I fell down.

Then I pooped my bands on the infield. I pooped my pants a little bit while people watched me the Griffin McRoy story. And my fat is played by Jack Black. It's a pretty good movie. What's he doing? Nothing. Gulliver travels, too.

Still traveling. How about a Yahoo? Hit me. This one was... This one was sent in by Lisa Holofield. Thank you, Lisa. It's by Yahoo Answers User, the Leviathan who asks, How do you prepare for a staring contest?

I always get into a staring contest with my cousin when I see him and I want to prepare to finally beat him over the holidays. What can I do to become a champ? This is a good sport you get into, right? Step one, training montage. Mm-hmm. She loves her cousin, right?

I mean, by staring contest, she means staring at her cousin who's staring at her. Just deep f-me eyes. Just wanting to break Colonel Law's Travis. What? What? F-me eyes? I'm not...

F-me eyes. I censored myself. I'm not surprised at you. Thank you, Justin. Look, this is my brother, my brother, my brother will be 2012. It's about honesty. I believe you said that.

Valentine's Day is coming up. What can we do to make people's lovers give them f-me eyes? Staring contest, you're gonna... Step one, you're gonna want to moisturize. Yeah. Is applying vizine during a staring contest legal? Is that allowed? As long as you don't blink.

If you could do that blink-less? Then you're a fucking robot with robot eyes. Yeah. Oh, robot eyes. Steve Forbes up in this pitch. A robot eye. Stab both your eyes out. Put some glass in there.

You'll never... I don't think you'll have to poison them. Wait, do you mean just like shards of glass or like a fake eyeball? Glass eyeballs, not shards of glass. Okay, shards of glass is a very intimidating technique. Yeah. I don't see how that helps you.

Did... Can I get a clarification on this? I find that I travel all around this great, great blue globe and people have different definitions of staring contest. Growing up in my neck of the woods, it was if you... Laugh.

If you blinked, you lose. If you blunked, you were out. If you blunked, you're out. But a lot of people seem to roll with if you smile or laugh you at it. It's about keeping a straight face. No, then that could just go on forever. See, Griffin knew what I was talking about, though.

Griffin complete. Yeah, yeah, that's how we did it. I know, I've heard it. Do you know what it was? It was a lot of kids were doing it the original, the original full game version of staring contest. And they were going blind. They were just going blind.

And so the academia, the public education system of this great nation of ours sort of enforced the second, the second rule set and taught that to my generation so that our perfect peepers would remain. And then when that started to get boring, they introduced pogs. They actually recorded a lot of... There was a lot of public awareness.

The same people who did are not going to play Sun City, did a tribute song. If you care, please don't stare. That was kind of swept the airwaves, Lionel Richie. I think co-wrote that with Andrew Dice Clay, which was kind of a weird pairing. And then there was the one Stop and Think and then Take a Blink.

I really like that one. Who co-wrote that, Trav? Because I was trying to remember. I think that was Elton John and Billy Joel together. It was amazing. Okay, yeah. There was a redo of the Donald O'Connor song Make Him Laugh, called Make Him Laugh,

colon the new rule set for staring contest. You're right. For God's sakes, Make Him Laugh. Who co-wrote that? I forget. It was originally written by Donald O'Connor, but the new version was written by Rosie O'Donnell. And Donald Loge.

That's weird. That's weird. And I know that there was another one, Song for About Blinking Laugh. And that one was My Tears for Fears. That one was My Tears for Fears and Infant Lady Gaga. Embryo Gaga. I basically wanted to say Infant Lady Gaga

and didn't come up with the part with the song. I don't know if you guys can notice, but I kind of flubbed my way through that. No, no, you totally covered it. Welcome to the Mbem-Bam Sausage Factory. We're taking you inside with director's commentary this week. 2012, deep cut. Sorry, guys.

I got a lot of coughs. You should get all those coughs out. Find a head cold. I'm zinking up. I'm doing everything. I got my Akai. I got my Blackberry. It's pronounced Asahi.

Asahi? I got my Akai. I got my Blackberry. I got everything that I need. Can I make a wreck? Yeah, please. Can I drop a wreck on you? Hit me.

Goji. Goji. Goji? Oh, it tastes like fish jizz, but oh, man, is it going to... It's called a row. It is going to fix you upright. And then maybe you need to get flavor blasted.

You can flavor blast the goji. I haven't found anything that you can put in the goji to make it palatable, but good luck to you. Yeah. Hey, one of my best friends wants me to take a trip to Chicago with her. I've never been there before, and it seems like a pretty cool place

to which I'm sure Griffin could attest. Yep. So naturally, I'm totally down. However, there's a twist. My friend is planning on bringing her boyfriend, and now I'm wondering whether or not I should really be going. Can you guys please advise me

on how to navigate the perils of Third Wieldom and whether a trip I'd take... Whether a trip I'd like to take is worth the potential awkwardness that could be incurred, and that's from the Vancouver Voyager. Important detail here that they left out. This is a guy asking the question.

Okay. So it's a guy and his female best friend and her boyfriend. Oh, yeah. So it's mo... Oh, God, I'm so glad you clarified, because yes, that is going to be kind of weird. Yes.

So it's more like the Vancouver Voyager. Yes. He plays his cards right. Now, this is the one... Before we get too into it, I will say this. If the friend invited you first, and the plan was like the two of you as friends were going to go to Chicago,

and then the boyfriend got invited along, that's a different situation than, hey, my boyfriend or I are going to go to Chicago, would you like to go with us? And if it depends on... See, here's the thing. It depends entirely on what kind of dude the boyfriend is, and the fact that you're writing us to ask

makes me think that he's not the kind of dude that you want to go on a road trip with with his girlfriend. If it's just a cool guy who's like, yeah, man, whatever, let's go hang out. All three of us. Come on, we'll go see a movie. Yeah, is it going to be like Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Yeah.

And your Cameron. Perfect. Right? I'll tell you the kind of guy he is. He's the kind of guy who said, you're going to Chicago with Kevin? Yeah, right. I'm coming with you.

Oh, that's true. I can't leave you on watch. That's what happened. That's how it shook out. And so I would guess just to infer here that the girl and the boyfriend have only been together like six months. Oh my God, we are fucking sure locking this.

I know, right? I've been reading How to the Baskervilles and I'm on point. We are giving this the Cumberbatch treatment. So I would say like, even if there were no layers of like being a third wheel, you don't want to go because I don't think this guy likes you or at least he doesn't trust his girlfriend with you or something along the lines where

it's awkward for the levels. I don't even think you realize yet. It is a trip you'd like to take, but if it's really a trip you'd like to take, you wouldn't be asking us about it. Yeah. You would just be going. There's something deep down in you that knows

you're not going to have a fun time. It's going to be weird. Yeah. Also, if you're planning on fucking going in the middle of February, stop. Like, don't do that. Chicago's awful then.

Also, I went in April and it was still pretty brutal. Yeah. Wait until July or something. That's when the city starts popping off. And man, if you really want to go, you could still go. It's not like it's a hard to get to destination. You know, if you're like, you know, I really want to go, I really want to visit Chicago,

but maybe this opportunity isn't the opportunity for you. Maybe you set up your own trip with a friend. I thought you were restating for her that even if we said she couldn't go, she could still go. No, no, no. What we say is our word is law. Legally binding decision that we're making here. Hey, he wrote in.

This is his mistake. He shouldn't have asked if he wanted to go. All right. If you're just worried because of the social norms, it really depends on the dude. So if the dude's cool, then there's no reason not to. But I think you know the dude's not cool. Yeah.

Also, the sleeping arrangement. What's the housing? Are you staying like in a hotel? Or do you guys know people there? Or what's the deal? Because if you're staying in a hotel in all three, if you're going to be sharing a room, that I think that is the deal breaker right there.

Yeah. I really do. I mean, like, you know, if it's going to be good or not, like, you know, trips are expensive and they take a long time. So if you have doubts now, like, just hold off. Yeah. Wait till they break up and then swoop, swoop on her. Yeah.

I mean, you know the situation better than we do and the fact that you wrote in. I think it's what we did all before. That's true. But I think that we can all agree that the fact that this guy wrote in and asked, means he knows the answer is not to go. But she kind of goes so dope, though.

Yeah. So go another time. Go by yourself. Not in February. Yeah, go by yourself. Strike up a conversation with somebody. Just have you ever seen Midnight in Paris? Just be like that.

Midnight in Chicago. Or lost in translation and go and meet Scarlett Johansson. Or before sunrise, before sunset, both of them. Following over the stranger on the L train. It's going to happen for you. Big things. 2012, 20 does. Meet Upton Sinclair.

He's from Chicago, right? I don't, I don't know. I think he had John Updike. I can never keep the two of them straight. Yeah. Guys, this Yahoo answer was, should I, should we Yahoo it? Yeah, I was about to ask you for one, and then you fucking incepted me.

All right. I love it. This Yahoo is sent by Lisa Holofield. Thank you. Lisa is becoming, quickly, our top gold contributor. This question was asked by Rezion, R-E-Z-X-I-A-N, Rezection. Or perhaps Rezion.

Oh, no. Rezion. Gucci, Gucci, Vinny, Vinny, many, many products. Creishan asks. Gucci, Gucci, V... Gucci, Gucci, V-C-V-C marijuana. What's up with these basic bitches? Rezion asks, if you could assassinate

any of the characters of Saved by the Bell, who would it be and how? Zach, Slater, Screech, Kelly, Lisa, Jesse, or Mr. Belding? I feel like that's really limiting because you're leaving out Max and Tori and whatever the character was, a king or queen's wife played. Oh, somebody did some quick Google research, I think.

I did. I'm looking at the Saved by the Bell wiki right now. Okay. Makes me sad that that exists, but go on. I've been Saved by the Internet. Okay. And... I've been Saved by the Internet.

And what was her name? Leah Remney. Who did you play? She played... It's some really good radio. I'm going to see if it doesn't matter. Stacey Carosi. Yeah.

Jesus. Carosi. There it was. I would have to go with probably AC Slater. Oh, my God. Why would you kill AC Slater? I answered it. Yeah.

Why would I kill AC Slater? I don't know. It would be like traveling back in time to kill Hitler when he was a baby. I would kill AC Slater so that he couldn't go on to host all the Miss America Pass. And do all that genocide. Do all that preppy related genocide.

Oh, that was... I'm sorry. That was in Saved by the Bell College years. You probably didn't get to that subplot. I'll probably get to that here in a little bit. Can I kill all of the cast members of Saved by the Bell the new class for their own good? Not the college years.

No, there was college years. There was college years and there was also a new class. Well, you know, the funny thing about this is that this is actually how Good Morning Miss Bliss ended was with the assassination of Miss Bliss. And it was the catalyst of Saved by the Bell. That's how Saved by the Bell started. As I'm going over this...

Hayley Mel's character, Miss Bliss was assassinated. As I'm going over this wiki where my favorite things that I've learned is that the creators and writers and their producers and everything don't give two shits about continuity in the Saved by the Bell universe. Because like, so they cancelled Good Morning Miss Bliss after like 12 episodes and relaunched it to Saved by the Bell. And so then when they sold it into syndication,

they just kind of wrapped the Good Morning Miss Bliss episodes into it. And they're like, fuck it, no one will notice. And nobody did. They're kids, Donald. They're kids. Kids are stupid. They just love Zach's hair and they love romance

between him and Kelly Kapowski. Did you see, he said, time out. And he had like a phone and shit. It's awesome. I would, of course, assassinate Zach. Because you do that, the infrastructure crumbles, and you can slip in there. And then you're the cool guy.

You can't let anyone know you did it. What you're failing to take into account, Justin, is that all of this is the dream of Zach Morris. Oh, shit. He's staring into a snow globe while his dad and mom sit in the corner going, he just stares at it all day long. When he frees his time,

he actually is talking to his therapist. Yeah. We need to consider this question a little more deeply because you don't... Wait, hold on. Sorry to interrupt. Is it possible that all the characters on Saved by the Bell represent different aspects of Zach Morris' psyche

and Screech is like his nerdy, self-conscious side, and Jesse is like his empowered feminist side, and AC Slater is like his jock, powerful manly side. And Mr. Bell is his impotent side. His bonerless side, and Max is his magician side. I think the problem with your theory is that Lisa Turtle was on the show. I think we could all agree that Zach did not have a black side.

Okay, you got me. There's no... There's nothing... You foat holes through my theory. Let's back up really quick because first off, I don't think you assassinate a Saved by the Bell character. I think you can only murder them. I think if you kill Zach or AC Slater,

it's a murder and not an assassination, right? What's the difference? I thought you were going to say that you can't murder them because they're all vampires. Well, that, but I don't know... You can only slay them. You assassinate a king or a political figure, but you murder a high school student.

I would assassinate Senator Zach Morris. I mean, to be fair, Zach is basically the king of Bayside High. I think he may have even referred to himself as such. Justin, point of order. If you remember, Zach is actually of Native American descent, so he would have been chief of Bayside High. That's true. As we learned from the terrific episode

in which Zach ran track for all of one episode. Yeah, he got kind of lost. They're kids, Donald. They won't notice. Fuck it, Donald. Kids. They all look the same. That's actually how the high schoolers were started,

is that Archduke Zach Morris was assassinated by one of the cast of California dreams, actually assassinated Archduke Zach Morris. And that was the start of... And the problem is, is that the kids from California dreams had assigned a treaty with the cast of Hang Loose, that in the event of war, you have to fight with us, and pretty soon it just got really hairy. The Zach attack proclamation.

Right, we all recall. Let's play a game called... The shot heard around Bayside. Let's play a game called Who On Yahoo Answers Scares the Shit Out of Me The Most. Okay. Is it Best Answers Submitter Autyana, who replies AC Slater? I don't know how, but I'd make it painful. Whoa.

Okay. Is it Cutie Pie 1987, who says Kelly, suffocation on pom-poms? Wow. Is it Chris, who said Screech? I would choke him. I hate his voice. Jesus Christ. Was it James A?

It was James A, who responded, I would handcuff them all together in a circle, then I would stand in the center wearing body armor and drop a live hand grenade. Whoever lived would be subsequently beheaded. Wow. I would watch that movie. Dear Internet, this is Travis. We're breaking up.

Jesse. He's been a good run. Jesse, I'd make her watch showgirls over and over again until she killed herself. Wow. Hey everybody, maybe you don't remember, but save by a bow. You loved it. You were good.

You loved it. You had good times. And to be fair. What's the matter with you? To be fair, Elizabeth Berkeley already committed career suicide, I would say, with a showgirl. So, yeah. And if you were wondering what the number of times she would have to watch

showgirls to kill herself is, it's 1.2. Guys, Bryn MacDonald 2005 said, Jesse, because she was one of the ones who left for most of the show and returned only till the end for Kelly and Zach's wedding. I would have her fall out her window room. Wow. Jesse, you fair weather bitch.

Wow. Yeah, she's there when she suits her. Yeah. I would kill Tori Scott because clearly she is a phantasm. We just kill nobody. Can we not kill anybody on this fictional kids show? You fuck. It's over.

And the fact that the show no longer persists, although you know that reunion special is just around the corner, America's dying for it. You're, of course, not counting my fan fiction, correct? Oh, no, no, no. That's in a Splinter universe. OK, thank you. That's Canon T for Travis.

I'm talking about Canon B for Bayside. Do you think that Dustin Diamond will be allowed into any sort of reunion special after having publicly smeared doodoo on a woman's face? Well, that is so screech. It is not screech, sir. Something screech would have done to my fan fiction. Sir, I protest. I, guys, I'm not kidding you.

There are dozens of answers on here that are like screech. He's so annoying. Like, you guys don't have to watch screech anymore. You're safe now. Do you see screech? Oh, it's by your own screech because he caused my nightmare. How is your day? Pretty bad.

It got screeched over. It's just like he kept, he was in my periphery the whole time. Why haven't I changed my desktop wallpaper? Maybe these are people talking about how annoying Dustin Diamond is because they're frequent visitors to the Chipotle in Petaluma. Every time he's like, beans or beef, I'm like, I sort of leap across the counter fucking murder him. Griffin, in those answers, how many of them are like,

Zach Morris, because I love him so much. And if I can't have him, nobody can. I would want to put him in a jar in my basement. Brock Hoon. Nobody did. Nobody? Mostly just screech to Jesse. Or the hand grenade.

I would say Kelly Gapowski, and I kill her with kisses. Oh, and suffocator with pomp. That's just horrifying. No, you took a wrong turn. My friend just got dumped after a little over a month. His lady seemed to be really great for him, but things just went sour. But now, the proper time of morning is over.

And I need a friend back. Brothers, should I force feed my dear friend his first bite of the recovery sandwich? And that's from Need My Friend in New York City. I think in the rules of the recovery sandwich, I don't think it's something you can force feed. Oh, that's not true. You think?

Yeah. I think by the very nature of the recovery sandwich is something somebody's forced to eat. Yeah, I think more often than not is force fed. Hmm. Here's my problem with this question, New York City. The intent is maybe noble, but your motivation is all screwy. Yeah.

Everything I'm hearing from you is about what you need and how you need your friend back and what he is to you. If you want him to break out of the funk, it has to be about him wanting him to get out of it, or like him wanting to get out of it, or you wanting him out of it because it's what's best for him. And that's not what I'm hearing right now. Let's also acknowledge that the elephant in the room,

that being that you are probably the reason that his relationship didn't work out. Now, what are you basing that on, Griffin? He needs it so much. He needs them. And when you get a need that is that strong and that deep, you get that's a guaranteed duperie. Okay, so you're not saying that he caused it

by like cheating with the girl on him? No. This is his very presence. He, I have not seen you me in duperie, but I don't think that cheating happens. I just think that there's an anchor that weighs that ship of love down to the bottom of the ocean and that anchor is duperie.

You know, I also have not seen you me in duperie, but I'm almost certain that it doesn't end with the woman leaving and duperie saying, well, at least we still have each other. Justin, did you see you me in duperie? Can you clear this up for us? I saw Marmaduke and at the end of that, he's a dog acting like a human.

I thought you were going to say at the end of that, he gives a synopsis of you me in duperie. At the end of it, he's like, well, I guess we've all learned a lot here, but not as much as I learned watching you me in duperie. In that charming film, Mr. Sarah Owen Wilson. So wait, okay. I need a whole backup.

You me in duperie. Marmaduke. Gotcha. And the one where he... No, Marley and me. What is, what is his game? What is he playing at? Marley and me is like a remix of those two movies,

but it came out before Marmaduke. What's his story? Wait, is Marmaduke in Marley and me? Because if so, I'll watch that movie. No, but it's about a... It's part of the Marley and me verse. Right. The Marley verse.

It's canon M. It's canon M of the Marley. Marmaduke is the lobo to Marley Superman. Right. You know, have you seen Marley and me terrible twos? Yeah. Is that a thing? Yeah, I watched that back to back with Space Buddies.

It's a, it's a prequel to Marley and me, even though everybody knows that in Marley and me, the dog fucking dies. So here's the prequel of this dead ass dog as a puppy. Also, Owen Wilson is there, and he's staying at his friend's place with his girlfriend. These are real awkward. So back to the recovery sandwich.

Back to the recovery sandwich. You philanderer. That's not the right word. You philanthropist. You philanthropist. Yeah, I think, I think your motivations are whack, but you should still, still do this for him.

He's, he's ready. How long has it been? A month? A month. He may not be ready. Yeah, I was gonna say it. I'll say it depends on how long the relationship was. My friend just got out of a seven year long relationship.

It's been a month. Come on, buddy. I know that. I know what I said a second ago, but he meant, you know what? He may just be stretching his bachelor legs. You know, he may just be enjoying eating hot pockets. I'm watching, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger,

but he's still three o'clock in the morning. What does he care? Yeah, I know whenever I got dumped, all I did was chew down on some lean pockets and watch Junior over and over again. I just watched twins and cried for so many reasons. I always knew when Griffin had been eating lean pockets and watching Junior,

because he'd call me three in the morning and say, I just want a baby. My biological clock is ticking. I'm 19. My man womb is barren. I'll never feel what it's like to have a life inside me besides these lean pockets. Is the bigger stretch logically required

that a man gets pregnant in that movie or that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a scientist? That's harder to believe. Like, it's sort of like jingle all the way. Is it hard to believe a man would turn a town upside down for a single action figure and fight Simba for it or that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a dedicated father? What's harder to wrap your mind around?

That's the problem with any Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he's not like ripping enemy skulls out of their heads. There's something to be said about playing against type, but right, man, I don't buy it. Arnold Schwarzenegger, he's a Philanderer, right? That's the right thing. He is also a philanthropist. I would assume he makes a good deal of money.

So maybe make your friend watch Junior. That doesn't help. I think after a month, he may not be ready to get back in the game. He will let you know. You're right, Travis. It's all about how long the relationship was. A month?

That might be pushing it. I think you could present the recovery sandwich to him and say, like, hey, I'm thinking about maybe taking a trip to, I don't know, where are you? You're in New York? Whatever. Yeah. So you could say, like, down to Atlantic City, you know,

or maybe someplace that doesn't suck. But, like, it sounds like crappy swingers. Yeah. Hey, let's have a shitty swingers moment. But, you know, maybe, like, try to set things up. And if he's like, no, man, I'm not in the mood. I don't want to do it. I think that it's been short enough that you have to respect that.

That this isn't the time to, like, drag him out of his house. I don't know. A month is a long time. And you're going to, everyone dies. So I just take him out to a shitty club and just, like, see what happens. Yeah. Let's just mix it up. And you know what?

He's never going to be more attractive to the opposite sex than when he has no interest in being in a relationship. So now's the time to strike where the iron is lonely. So cold. So cold. So very, very cold. So cold. So ice, ice, cold.

We have a lot of famous friends that we've helped recover from bad relationships. And the way we ask that they repay us is by sending in a question to us. This week we have a second question by our good buddies, Chuck and Josh, from Stuff You Should Know. So let's check it out right now.

Hello. This is Josh. And that's Chuck from Stuff You Should Know. The podcast. That's right. And we have, well, you go ahead, Chuck. I have a question. And guys, from my brother, my brother and me, thank you for having us on.

Yes, thank you. And allowing us to ask you this question. Josh refuses to take part in this question, but I would like to know what the deal is with male grooming. And I'm not talking about eyebrows and ear hair and nose hair and head hair. Talking about other kinds of male grooming. And again, I want to make this point.

This is Chuck's question. I reject any participation in this question, but I'm just glad to be on. I'm looking for tips, guys. Josh, first off, I want to first thank you, gentlemen. Josh, I want to say you made the right call not getting involved there. The Chuck's driving this team ship.

You just need to let him navigate into these waters. But while we're here, there's nothing we won't talk about. I don't think you should be ashamed of your flora, as it were. Nope. Or if you don't have any down there and haven't been able to your entire life, that's nothing to be ashamed of. There's nothing to be ashamed of wearing a merkin.

Oh, why? Now, what is that? A merkin? It's a pubic wig. You know what it is. They wear them in the movies. Yeah, like a hair donut. Oh, no. Yeah, deal with that image.

Why? Why? Why? Why wouldn't you? No, why? Am I any of it? Why do you know it? Why does it exist?

Why do I know it? Why, too, all? Why? It's just why, over and over again. Does it cross the board why? What do you think people talk about at Zinn Church? And now, as we breathe peacefully and sit quietly, let us think on the humble merkin.

Check this out. Merkins. What's the deal with merkins? Consider the merkin. Align it. You know, I didn't really get into World of Warcraft until they let you be a merkin. I have a merkin warlock that is just unbeatable.

Listen, sometimes a lady plays a lady actress in the 70s, and they need a merkin down there. That's just that's just that. What did you think it was, Justin? What it works? Do you think it was Hollywood magic? CGI? Huh?

So I could, I could, I could tell the ladies that I'm trying to invent like a merkin bald cap, and I'm, I'm prototyping it. Would that be a believable scenario that I could try to put out there on the public? I am learning more about you. Are you looking for an excuse to be baby smooth down there? Yes, yes.

I think I either got to go bear, bear merkin prototype or horrible fire accident. Yeah. Oh, but horrible fire accident while saving a child from a burning building with my penis. Grab on, we got to get out of here. Come on. The chopper, the ladder hanging from the helicopter

isn't long enough. I know. I know. Grab my merkin. Oh no, it tore off. Superman, you a freak. You nasty superman. Nasty.

Can we give Chuck anything actionable? Go with the high top fade. Okay. Go. Are your basketball number in there? You go down, you go down the earliest barbershop in age. Tell me what a number, a number three with a light. Number three with burns.

Number three with burns and a lightning bolt shaved in. As I see it, you got two options. You either go full blown, laissez faire, like Van Morris and Superbush. Or you fucking burn and salt the earth down there. You do psychological warfare down there. Yeah, Agent Orange. Shit.

Man, I could give real advice, but I just don't want to. Yeah, I don't want you to either, fucking weird motherfucker. Keep it to yourself and your merkins. Ask your partner, what style they prefer. Oh, no. Oh, no. Ask about erotic cornrows. What is the most sensuous way I could touch your undercarriage?

How can I maintain my masculinity in a way that pleases you? My lover. Check out this sexy perm. I got a perm. It's like Gabe Kaplan down there. It looks like I got Gabe Kaplan in a scissorhold. Oh, Jesus. You know, having Gabe Kaplan in a scissorhold

is how I won the celebrity poker tournament in 1888. That's true. Can I leave? Can we all leave? It would be a question that I'd like to ask you. Let's do one more Yahoo question. This one was sent in by Liam Dines. Thank you, Liam.

It's by Yahoo Answers user Timonator who asks, how would it make you feel if your partner kept constant unblinking eye contact with you during love making? He's talking about them FMI eyes. Yeah, he's also talking about a staring contest. Yeah, sexual stare. Well, in the animal kingdom, that usually implies a challenge. I would feel not good, I guess.

I guess I would feel sad. I guess I would feel out of place, really put out. Like if it was a person I cared deeply about and then they dropped that bomb on me, like I don't know how I'd respond to it. If they were doing, I feel like I would just, every couple seconds go, no, but seriously, is there something I can help you with?

What do you need? What do you need that I'm not providing for you? Is there something you'd like to share? What does that look mean? I'm gonna go. If there is one place I want a lady to look during love making, it is above me at the poster of Scott Backwood. Scott Backwood gave him a big thumbs up,

but just as you're doing it right, when Griffin was 13, he finally discovered himself and turned from an oh boy into an oh man. It was a really proud day for all of us. I asked this question on Twitter the other day and I don't think anybody took me seriously, but I was watching Quantum Leap and it was the first episode, I believe in season two,

where he jumps into the body of a woman and I asked, is it okay to be aroused by that? For who is Scott Backwood? It's okay to be aroused by anything, but as me, a young heterosexual man, it's like Scott Backwood but a pretty lady. That's the best of both worlds, isn't it? Right, because you can hang, you can pilot the enterprise.

You can talk to Ziggy. Talk to Ziggy, whatever. And maybe God? It's still unclear. Griffin, does he still look like Scott Backwood? Is this one of the things where he looks in the mirror and he's the woman? You would have to have some sort of mirror apparatus,

where that's all you saw. Wait, wait, wait. Or maybe it's not, depending on the flavors. Wait, are you saying that you wouldn't be able to do it unless you could constantly remind yourself visually that it is in fact Scott Backwood? There's a lot of questions here. Okay, let's not just jump to conclusions because,

okay, he's way bigger than the lady that he was in the movie, yet he's still in the episode, but he's still put on her shoes. So he must have a lady's body because Al sees him as the lady and he's aroused by it and he doesn't know how to handle it. It's sort of like the choppy waters I'm navigating right now. Right, because he sees the lady. I kind of, I want to point something out, Griffin. You, the fact that you're struggling with this

is kind of like the people who still want to kill Screech. Like you don't have to be encountering this quandary right now. I watched this episode yesterday. Griffin, is it possible? I mean, I feel like this is something you could easily just pretend away, you know, just have a girl say, hey, I'm really Scott Backwood. Or pray it away. I think I'm just going to have to,

does anybody have the contact information for executive producer Donald Bellisario? Just do what I do, go to the set of NCIS and wait to be cast as a corpse. That's usually how I connect with him. It's sort of like the bat signal for really talented people. Can I just call up Scott Backwood? I bet he could talk me through this. I bet he's handled this situation before. If you've got, oh, you got a bad case of the number 26 is, huh?

All right. Scott, I might be in love with you. Help. Does Scott Backwood have his own advice podcast that we can reach out to? And my back, my back on me. I actually worked with him on, it's not worth the prize if you can't shut your eyes.

A tribute song. Back a long time ago. So Backwood, everybody discovered that was making you blind. So I could probably get in touch with him. I've only got his, I've only got his pager number, so we'll have to open that small. Backwood's having a little trouble moving into the 23rd century. Well, and what's funny is to get his pager to work,

he has to whack it with like the palm of his hand every so often. Yeah. What if that, you know, that's it. By the way, you know, that's his ringtone. You know it, 100%. So this has been our, our advice podcast slash bacula fanfic slash testicular grooming show. Another point.

Is it bacula or bacula like Dracula? It's bacula like Dracula. Yeah. Okay. Cause I say bacula and that's the point of some cases. I honestly, Griffin, I think to each his own. Yeah. I feel like a bacula would be cool either way.

Tomato and a motto. So thank you for so much for listening. We put out a new show every Monday. So if you could, you know, tell your friends, ask them to subscribe. We need your questions. If you need help navigating livestock, your waters, email mbmbam at maximumfun.org and we will set you up with some wisdom.

We got samples on YouTube and search for mbmbam. I just put a new mbmbam mini called kick boss, which is about our ghost boss, which is about exactly what you'd expect. Best way to get the inside scoop on those and those go live is to either join up on our Facebook fan page, which you can find exactly how you think, or follow us on Twitter. It's at mbmbam. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song.

It's a departure, which plays at the beginning of our show and is incredible. You can listen to that gym and other gyms like it on the album, putting the days to bed, which I expect everybody owns at this point. But if not, get you some. And I'd like to thank our buddies Chuck and Josh from the Stuff You Should Know podcast from howstuffworks.com. If you've never checked it out, do it now. It's awesome.

They just did an episode on the moon not too long ago that I listened to. So if you'd like to spend a half hour thinking about Portal 2, you should go and listen to Stuff You Should Know. And check out the other shows in the Maximum Phone podcast. The Jordan Jesse Go, Bullseye. Stop podcasting yourself. And George and Hoffman, yeah. Get them all.

Collect them all. Thanks to everybody tweeting about the show this week. Tom Knopp, Tom. ES Bunton. Costy Bizzle. Jimmy the Sip. Our dear friend, Porter Robinson, spreading the word about the program. Ryan Pequen, Babylonian, everybody.

Jeff Shearer, all of our dear friends who tweet with the ABN hashtag. We really, really, really appreciated it. Thank you all. We appreciated it and continue to appreciate it. And may appreciate it in the future. It's hard to say. And keep an eye out for something that may be coming out this week. Which would, can we tease it?

I think something of the more musical variety, maybe? Keep it locked to our Twitter feed and find out. There will be a little bit of chopping and a little bit of screwing. And if you play it at the right time with your lady, a lot of bit of screwing. A lot of bit of screwing. And if you're a psychopath murderer, a lot of chopping too. But follow us. And you might want to follow our friend Rocky Horror.

Because I don't know. Maybe he's a cool guy. He's a cool guy and no other reason. We haven't mentioned it in a while, but if you want to subscribe and rate and review on iTunes, we continue to appreciate that as well. It's cool too. And that's everything? Yeah.

I'm going to finish it. Do it. I'm going to kill it. This final Yahoo! It was sent in by Tim. Thank you, Tim. It's by Yahoo! It's user Good Time Charlie who asks,

How long should I sit on the loo to chase these Tuesday blues away? Four times. Four times. How long should I sit on the loo to chase these Tuesday blues away? I'm Griffin McRoy. He's been my brother and my brother and me. Kids do that. Keep your heart, three stacks.

Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks. These girls are smart. Play your part.