My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 92: Ten Thousand Throbs

Episode Date: February 20, 2012

Happy Presidents Day, everyone! Join us as we reflect upon the executive successes of administrations past, present and future, and also as we talk about which Presidents are the cutest. Suggested talking points: Prez Fight, Pinterest, Fly Exam, Psychic Battlefield, Lady Dupe, Scoville Units, Tv Freebase, Dig Deep No Fear, Jeopardy Angels

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new craze, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Hail to the chief, he's the chief, and he needs hailing. That's of course a classic scene from the hit film My Fellow Americans, starring Jacqueline and Walter Mathau, both as president, John F. Two angry presidents. Two angry presidents. Grumpy old presidents. Grumpy old statesmen.

One of the classics of their later years, My Fellow Americans, but today we're celebrating president's day. Of course, here at My Brother in Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest president, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest president, Travis McElroy. Guys, President Obama is a space monster from the planet Muslim, and I don't understand why he gets his own holiday when he's trying to kill my freedom. Before we get emails on this, I just remembered Walter Mathau was not in My Fellow Americans, it was James Garner. Before we get other emails about this, Griffin is Griffin McElroy. My position on President Obama's space monstership stands. I know, but you definitely want to put

a signature at the end of that bomb. People know who that voice is attached to. How come, no matter how many times we ask him, he can't produce a birth certificate showing that he's not from outer space? Yeah. Have you guys ever noticed that? Let us see your earth blood. So I have a question for you guys. My dear friend Jeremy Dubin asked me this and it kind of started. So here's the situation. Okay. You're about to get into a bar fight, right? Okay. Just a big old brawl. Okay. You can have three presidents backing you up. Okay. Which three do you choose? Well, I think we can all agree that James Buchanan's right out. He died of the flu. Right. Yeah. Agreed. No Buchanan. Is that the one that gave the too long speech and died from

it? Yeah. I think. I mean, yeah, if you punch that guy outside, he's done. He's dead. I think we all agree that first and foremost is Andrew Jackson. No, that's right. Andrew Jackson has killed a man. Andrew Jackson is a crazy person. Yeah. You gotta have, you gotta have Andy Jay backing you up. Can I drop Polk on you guys? See, I said Polk. He's so thick, so hearty. I said Polk too. Can't knock him over. Yeah. I mean, another, I think solid choice would be Taft because you just keep pounding it and where are his vital organs? I don't know. And he can do that big belly bounce thing or knock someone across the room. And he does a thousand hand slap. I think you're thinking of Zangief. I am thinking of Ihonda.

Of course. That is. James K. Polk can do yoga fire, though. Yoga fire. Obviously, there's Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt, though, that's so odd. He's probably busy in somebody else's fantasy ballroom fight. You're not going to be able to get, you're not going to be able to get Teddy. He's going to be busy. And what about Franklin? Franklin is good for longevity. Who's going to go after him? If it's last man standing, he has got a distinct advantage or disadvantage, depending on how strict the rules are. Can I say Jeb Bartlett? Okay. Yeah, why not? His illness, I don't know, may not make him the fiercest competitor.

He's never been a military man, as folks on that show or want to point out. Sheriff Ford turned down offers to play in the NFL. Maybe that would be a good quarterback for your punch team. What about Bill Clinton? Fuckers, charming. He's so charming. Hey, we don't need to do this. Hey, that's all relaxed over Nazima. That's my impression of Bill Clinton. I'm actually actually statistically sneaky. A lot of people don't know this. I'm actually the only person on earth who impersonates Bill Clinton. So that is the actually first Bill Clinton impression that a lot of people hear. He really captured his Zima presidency so well. Here's the thing. The thing is,

you've got to talk like this. That's it. Step one. Talk like Bill Clinton. Maybe a fallatio goof. My fellow Americans love our jobs. What's that good? He's had a good impression. Do I have to capture his irreverence? Certainly. Hey, let's, as much as I love talking about which presidents can take a punch, we should probably help some people out with advice. This first question comes to us from Form Spring. I got a girl's number from a night out a few weeks ago, but after a few texts, nothing came from it. What's the protocol for the number? Do I delete it? Forget it ever happened? Or do I leave it and live in constant fear of accidentally dialing it? Oh man. Guys, is Form Spring like Pinterest?

I do not know Pinterest. Is that a social networking thing? It's like Skype, but with pushpins from what I understand. I actually have reached my limit on any joining any sort of social network. I think this is how you become an old person. I used to think it was so dismissive. You would try to teach an old person something new and they say, ugh, I'm not going to learn that. And then I'm just like, hey, you're already being cranky. What you discover as you get a little older, there's a great sense of power to say like, hey, I'm not putting that in my life. Get out of here. Google Buzz, buzz off. Buzz off. Keep it. Tweeter, twoto, tweet off, tweet out of here. Pinterest.

You are going to call that number. You will call the number and it will not be accidental. It will be drunk. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. It'll maybe be a year from now when you're real sad lonely on Valentine's Day and you just call her at night and you go, hey, hey, Deborah. Hey. We have a soak in here about a year. I thought we had something special together. Man, the whole episode, huh? This is former president Bill Clinton. I'm a ghost now. Now I'm a ghost who loves blowjobs. I love blowjobs, balance, budgets, and hauntings. And yours sounds more like Don Knott's. You got it. The secret to Bill Clinton is you got to sound like a ghost underneath a bunch of blankets. That's the secret. And if you throw a little

undertaker in there. Oh, yes. It's me, former president Bill Clinton. Blowjobs. I don't understand why you why you need this number. You know what I mean? I like to keep my contact list real tight. Real tight. I very recently deleted the Geno's Pizza phone number from Huntington where I don't live anymore. But I used to, I needed that quick access so I could call him up, get a pizza ready in 10 minutes, grab it and chomp. But now I don't need that number anymore. You have even less utility for the number you have. Yeah, you know, what if he does need it someday. It's good to let go. You know what? She rejected you. This is your chance. This is your only chance to reject her. Say, OK, I don't need you in my life either. Close the door

on her. I mean, who cares if they're already, they're already closed, but you know, you can close it on your side like a hotel room. Two doors. You closed your door. It doesn't matter if the other one's closed. You'll never think about it again because as far as you can remember, you deleted her number. And that's what you'll tell your grandkids. Or, or you taught me to tone her and you write it on a bathroom wall. Oh, don't do that. Again, you attempted that. Put it on Pinterest. Put it on Pinterest. No one knows what that is. It should be safe there. They'll want to find it and delete it. But yeah, you don't want to hold on to that. Yeah, delete it. Get rid of it. While working at Subway one day with my boyfriend, a customer came up and their fly

was down. We were both wondering, what is the proper etiquette of notifying someone of this? Since they are a paying customer, we don't want to embarrass them and loot and lose their business. But we also don't want them walking around being embarrassed that their zipper is down. What do we do? That's from a sweet sandwich artist. Oh, man. Okay. My, my feeling on this has always gone like the same thing with food in the teeth, right? If, if I, my rationale is if I don't tell them, then they're just going to walk around like a goof all day. They'll want to know it's there. But then as I got older, it dawned on me. If no one tells them, they'll just take no one noticed. Here's the thing though, because here's what I do. If I, like, if I've been walking all day

with my, with my zipper down, I get home and realize it, I do a mental checklist back through the day of all the people I had contact with and think, why didn't they tell me? Why didn't they tell me? Why didn't any of these people tell me? It's like drawing up a containment net and like a viral outbreak. You're like, oh man, I was at the grocery store. So they all saw it, told all their friends. Yeah. And then I, incredible arousal is the only thing, like a blinding arousal. Diving into a sun of arousal. Just burning your skin off with the heat of the passion of your self exposure to the neighborhood. I think my favorite thing about the, like the fear of being embarrassed about having your zipper down is unless your junk is actually like hanging out,

nothing happened. Like the only thing you're embarrassed about is that a zipper was undone on your pants. Like there was no other consequence to it. Are you saying, but Charles said that doesn't make sense because then we could just walk around zipper free. If that was the case, we just all have big gaps down there, big, big shitty pockets. No, I'm not saying you shouldn't do the zipper, but I'm just saying like that horrified feeling you get when you realize that your zipper has been down for like four hours. Isn't as bad as the feeling as realizing that you've been hanging, hanging, hanging brain. Well, yeah, I would say that having your junk actually hanging out of your pants is a lot worse than just having your zipper down. You're suggesting that telling

somebody to examine their zipper is like a warning that they are just a step away. Yeah. You are walking a razor's edge, my friends. Yeah. But I mean, but oh man, sometimes you say things I don't know if they make sense or not. It's hard trying to decode it. Like, I'm just saying it could totally be casual. It's like, Hey, your zipper's down. They're like, Oh, thanks, cool. But you can't be casual Travis, because in that sentence, what you aren't saying at the beginning is, Hey, I was just looking at your dick and I noticed. Now that's true. I was giving you, I was giving you a head to toe check. Yeah. See what various articles of clothing you'd forgotten to finish. Maybe you can, wait a minute, maybe you can trigger some synapse in their brain that

makes them check their crotch while like that's a great belt, like in the transaction, right? Like, say, um, did you want, did you want some extra salami on your sandwich? Did you want that foot long or six inches? Did you want a sandwich? Cause like, and I already see you've got a hotdog. That's the worst thing. This has the worst. That was just because of his wiener. Right. Oh, right. Okay, right. Did you, is it just as embarrassing if a woman has her zipper down? No, I don't think it's just, I don't, is it? You know the difference? What? Women would check because women aren't like men that just stumble out of the bathroom and hope everything's okay in there. Just blindly clawing their way out of the room. That's how we get through life.

I barely made it. Anytime a man, Lee is in a bathroom, it looks like a Jekyll turning in behind. Scraping at the walls and just looking for a way out. I am, every time I go to the bathroom, I'm basically just racing, right? Like I'm racing against my ghost from the last lap. I'm trying to beat, trying to beat my time and that effect, like I will just walk out of the bathroom with my pants around my ankles. And then hit the stopwatch. Yes, did it. Shaved off a few precious hundreds. This is, I guarantee you that every man has done this and I doubt, I hope and pray that no woman has. Do you guys ever, in your middle of your bathroom ritual, you know there's something else you need to do, but God damn it, you're done in there.

You're just done with it and that, whatever that thing is, it's just gonna have to, it's just gonna have to wait. Whatever, whatever thing, whatever part of your ritual you did not do that morning, it's just gonna be because you don't want to spend any more time in there. Usually for me, it's that someone else has just like walked into the bathroom. Usually someone I don't trust. What are you, what bathrooms are you in? You know, just competitive bathrooms. Is this a player versus player bathroom? Are you trying to take my secrets or cooperative bathroom or do we get cubbies? Griffin, how about a Yahoo? Sure. This one was sent in by the real Neil Orr. Thank you, the real Neil Orr. It's by Yahoo Answers user Lowell who asks,

do I have a right to do this? I'm paranoid and I needed to ask this. If someone is trying to see my imagination or hear my thoughts or sense my emotions, do I have a right to make a backoff face to them to make them get out of my head? I know some people who try to read me and want to stop it. Oh my god. Oh Jesus. They're afraid they're getting mentalistic. They're getting enceived. They're getting, what lie to me? Oh god, they're looking for micro gestures. They're getting horse whispered. Are you trying to horse whisper me? Are you seeing through my, are you trying to see context in my words? These thoughts are my own and they usually have to do with apples and sugar because I'm a pony. I'm a pony. That's why it's so easy

to be a horse whisperer. They're only talking about one or two things. Hey, get off or give me an apple. I don't even know what to say. All I can hope is that this person that is feeling this way is just completely misreading someone like walking up like, hey, how's it going? Get out of my head. These are my emotions. Whoa. Hey, whoa. I just asked you if you wanted extra slummy. I didn't mean anything else. There's no subtext there. Is the world we live quietly a psychic battlefield? People trying to get into your head? People trying to scope my business, my cranium business that they don't need to know about but they're trying to scope it out and I'm trying to throw up defensive barriers with my own prowess.

Griffin, it's 2012. Every minute there are 60 hours of footage uploaded to YouTube. All we want is for that to be true. All we want is to pray that someone wants to know what our dreams are. Someone be trying to get into my head because I'm just laying out the welcome mat for you every day on my channel, GlassesGirl for 2020. Isn't this what Live Journal is for? Live Journal Pinterest, any number of social networking sites. Yeah, my brain is constantly just outputting like a really foul-mouthed 12-year-old girl who's just talking shit about her classmates. Is that what your internal critics have like? That is. I call her a little shoddy.

When Griffin makes it huge, when you get big, you've got to have a vanity cartoon. Wayne Head, Hammer Man, Wish Kid. You can make it big and get a vanity cartoon. Griffin's vanity cartoon is going to be a little shoddy, featuring Wanda Sykes as the voice of Lil Shoddy. Griffin will write all the scripts himself in the last three episodes. Short-lived. Doesn't need to be long to be a good vanity cartoon. Everybody gets one. That'll be Griffin's. My internal critic is Rupert Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Whenever I have, no matter what entertainment or media I'm taking in, he's always disappointed in me. That's not a goof. I feel guilty all the time that I'm not reading books.

Sometimes for me it's Wanda, Sykes, sometimes it's Maggie, sometimes they're together. I would watch that buddy comedy all day long. They made it, it's called Taxi. I don't have an internal critic. Okay. Is that normal? You have a lot of external ones. It's a good balance. Everybody get out of everybody's heads. We're just trying to live day to day. Get out of there. Hey, I have been with my official, there it is. I just podcasted so hard that I got winded. Wrapping it up anytime now. I mean my life. I have been official with my boyfriend for almost two months and things are great. However, there's one problem. My best friend who is a girl,

his best friend, his best friend who is a girl has, who has been desperately in love with him for the past two and a half years. Although they go to school together and my colleges three hours away, I do not feel threatened by her. My issue comes from her refusal to recognize and respect my role in his life. When I go to visit him at school, she will drop by, refuse to leave and throw little jabs and backhanded comments my way. I've told my boyfriend that these things make me uncomfortable, but he sees nothing wrong with it. Although he never reciprocates her infections, he won't tell her that her behavior is both intrusive and appropriate. Perhaps I'm overreacting, but it's really getting on my nerves and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold my

tongue and play nice. What do I do? Olivia. Olivia, you need someone in your life who is going to give you the straight dope and you're lucky because we are here for you. You need to bounce the ripcord and bounce. Yeah, because I'll tell you what, here's my take on it. Your boyfriend is addicted to this girl's attention. Oh yeah, he loves it. Because she's so nice to him and says all these nice things and it's just so in love with him for the last two and a half years. Anybody that realizes their best friend is like desperately in love with him for that amount of time and doesn't back away from the situation or put it into it is just loving the attention. The extent to which you need to bounce is incalculable. You need to trust us on this one.

We can tell you why you need to bounce, but you have got to bounce. Yeah, you got to go. I mean, this is so obvious. You got to go. I was rereading the email because if you've been dating for like, you know, 20 years, then maybe you should reconcile. But two months and this, no, no, no, no. This is my main issue with it that she like talked to her boyfriend and said like, hey, this isn't cool. And he was like, ah, it's fine. I think it's cool. Time to get out. Go, go, go. Men and women can be friends. Didn't you see Will and Grace? That's a bad example. Uh, my best friend's wedding. Oh, wait. You mean Dupree? You are, you got a lady dupe and you have to, you have to get out of this. You have to, Olivia,

you are in the story of, of their relationship. She is the Kate Hudson and you are the Baxter. You are about to get Baxter'd so hard. You need to, yeah. It's brutal. You need to get out because you, uh, you, this is not going to end well. This is bad. It's really bad. And the fact that she's even around right now is, is wholly unacceptable. I don't know how one of two things is going to happen. Like she's going to win him or you're going to find your tires slashed or something. Yeah. She's going to go full blown swim fan and, and, and burn your apartment down. If you had told us before you got into this relationship that you were going to date someone that lives three hours away, we would have very sternly warded you off from it. We would have

said, no, that's a bad idea. Now we honestly have to put our foots feet down, our collective feet. And our foots. And our foots. All three, all three foots on the ground say you, that you can't do this, Olivia. You're too good for him. Too good for the situation. It's not him even. It's not, it's, it, I mean, it is him because he obviously needs to grow up and have some emotional maturity and, and make some boundaries with this girl. Yeah. What is she even doing around? If you see each other, if you live three hours away, it can't be rare. You know, it's got to be a rare thing that you guys get to spend time together. What is she even doing there? That's what I'm saying. And the fact that your boyfriend doesn't see any problem with it. And when you

confront him about it, he's like, no, it's fine. Like that's such an issue for me. We cool. We cool. You're not, you're not cool. Bounce. This is because if you put it in any other context, like I never get to see my boyfriend, but then when I do all he does is sit there and read a book. All he does is sit there and play video games. Like if he can't divide himself from this girl long enough to just hang out with you when you actually get to visit, like that's, that's an issue. Absolutely. And you know what else is an issue? Money? I mean, I guess. I guess. People need it. And people need it when you don't have enough of it. And people want it. Money's our own. This message is for food, Travis. Well, this first message is for Ashley Metcalf.

Oh, and it's from mom, buddy, Brandy and Kristen. And they say happy 28th birthday. They're going to have a listening party tonight, which is awesome. So happy birthday. You're listening right now. And yeah, so Ashley, it's a birthday. She's the youngest of three girls. She has a dog named Butters and she loves MB, MB, AM and unicorns. Two great tastes that taste great together. We are the unicorn of podcasts. So happy birthday to you, Ashley. She asked for a jingle, but we took this pretty firm position on only giving jingles to businesses and not people because that's weird. So instead, because it's your birthday, I'll give you the title of a jingle and it would have been birthday, boo. But now that's you have to make up the song

yourself. That's just that's just a leaping off point. So once you start Ashley Metcalf Incorporated, Griffin will do a jingle for you. Who else we got on the on the old birthday calendar, Trav? We've also got Sarah of Melbourne, Australia. And that comes from Tom, also of Melbourne, Australia. And Tom wishes Sarah a happy Valentine's Day and birthday and three year anniversary combo. So he's getting three wishes for the price of one. It's a great deal. We should have charged him triple. But in fact, we now will actively charge him triple. And he says that she's secretly in love with me, which I'm not. I don't really want to do any internet cuckolding today. Thank you. I will just not today hang out and not do that. But thank you.

But no, but I appreciate the offer. And we would be remiss. So happy birthday, Valentine's Day anniversary to Sarah of Melbourne. You know what makes a great gift for for anybody, any occasion? Eternal love, eternal love. And buying that is the gift of time. And buying that is the gift of economy. And buying that is the gift of environmental awareness. And you can give all three to people with a brand new project called Stack. Stack is a revolutionary concept in the world of soap stuff, you know, like soap, soapery. It's a revolutionary soap opening. Soapestry. Soapestry. So basically what Stack soap is, it's a bar of soap that wear that has a divot on the top. And as you wear it down to you just get the what we've trademarked is called

the stupid sliver. You end up with a stupid sliver. And usually you throw that away or you slip on it and die with the stacks. Sorry, no death. It's a murder sliver. You're watching it. You're watching your body with it. You're watching your butt and your butt swallows the sliver of soap because it's so tiny that you get sick. So stack soap is built with a divot. And when you use a bar of stack soap, it wears down so it fits exactly in that divot. So when you just have a murder sliver, you slap it into a new bar, you don't waste any soap, and you're back off to the races. And when you get another sliver, you slap it into the next bar. I have had a bar. Founder Eric sent me a few bars and I've been using it. I feel probably, I feel like I've never been

clean before, which is unsettling, but also, you know, I'm glad to discover it now before I'm my 40s. Can you describe the scent to me? Yes, the bars he sent me were prototypes and unscented. So it smells like clean. So it smells clean. It's a very clean scent. But anyway, he was looking for money to make get a copper die to make these bars. You need nine grand. You guys are insane people, and you have fully funded his project. The Kickstarter is fully funded. And because you guys were tweeting and talking about it, the story was picked up by like Boing Boing and Gizmodo and a few other sites. So you guys are, as always, the best. So thank you for proving that we are an economical juggernaut. We are a huge powerhouse in the world

of internet soapistry. Now Griffin, you've been working on a jingle of four stack soap. Can you give us an update on that? Yeah. You know, I'm all about, right now, I'm just sort of oscillating between themes, between genres, you know, between like, there's a lot of cleanness, I think has a lot of implications in the poetical sense. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. There was a few words that weren't words in there, but please go on. So I'm trying to find, I'm trying to like find the sign. There's like a lot of ether. I'm not used to this much ether when I create. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. And so like my net, I have to refine my net so that the ether. So where's your net at right now? Like right now I'm thinking like a southern,

southern rock. Southern rock and like the, it's all about getting clean, you know, but like the cleanness is also a metaphor for love. Okay. Human love between people. So what's it sound like? So like Put your soap in my soap. That's all I have so far is. Okay. Put your soap in my soap. I like it. You know, I think you just repeat that for like. Put your soap in my soap. And we'll both get clean together. Stack soap. I think we could work out pretty tight harmony for that too. Yeah. I think we're,

think we're really close on that. So stack soap.com again is the address. And right now we got a word from another Max Fun show that may or may not be trying to sell you soap. I'm Kessie Thorne. Bullseye is all about discovering the good stuff in culture that will do nothing less than change your life. You know, I've never heard anything like it before. It'd be like seeing a new color, which I guess is music's like biggest asset is that you can hear new sounds. I'll probably never see a new color. I'll probably never experience like a new crazy taste, but I'll hear new sounds constantly. Culture picks, comedy and in-depth interviews. It's the good stuff and just the good stuff in popular culture every week on Bullseye.

Subscribe to iTunes or find it online at Maximumfun.org. Uh, do you want to come back with a yahoo? Yeah, I want to come back to the, to the comedy with a yahoo. This one's sitting by Kit Reka, which is a pretty good name. Uh, it's asked by Avatar Tarsas. It's pretty good. Who asked that? Clever. Sure. I like it.

How big is love? How do you condense love into measurable units? My girlfriend asked me how much I love her. I don't know how to tell her because I don't know the formula of love and I don't know a lot about how to measure love. The correct answer is this much and then put your hands an appropriate distance apart. It sounds like the lyrics to the worst Coasters song ever. Like a, like a really shitty doo-wop tune that, that know it like B side maybe to who wrote the book of love. How do you quantify the relative side? Who made the ruler of love?

I have found- Who made the graduated cylinder of love? The closest approximate metric from what I found is Scoville units. Okay. Okay. Now is that a word you've heard or do you actually know what that concept represents? A Scoville unit is the measurement of heat in peppers. Okay. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean? Like it's a- Measure the kind of sason? It may not work for everyone, but my love has like a sort of, I wouldn't say Latino fire, but I would say it. I did. Uh-huh. So it's out there.

Say it. Right. So that's how I like to, that's how I like to think. And also Scoville units, like the measurements are really high. A habanero I think has like two million Scoves. That's shorthand for Scoville units. So that's sort of what I'm working with for my particular brand of love. I would have said stone.

Okay. I like that. Because nobody knows how much it really is and it's so mysterious. I like that. The thing that works for me about the Scoville units is that there are some real relatable peppers that you can just directly connect that to. Like girl, my love is like the ghost chili. Oh, that's- Yeah.

Oh, and then you can say like we've calmed down to like a green pepper. Right now I feel like this is more like a green pepper or a cayenne. Oh, and that's how you know it's like, okay, well, we've calmed down to like friend Scoville units. And then you'd be like, baby, we are banana peppers. And then you've, that's how you break up. Oh, we're like milk. We're zero Scoves.

We actually cool other people's love when they drink us. Just to be in our presence kills other people's love. Yeah. We're the opposite of love, whatever that is. They need to come up with an opposite of love. How about at work? Up the love. Even with all your science, you still haven't been able to come up with a word that's the

opposite of love. Yeah, it's pretty despicable. You know, you think about a Shakespeare. Shakespeare created eyeball. He created the word puking. Green-eyed monster. Skim milk. Obscene.

That's all luggage. That's all created by Shakespeare. Come up with the opposite of love. Pinterest. You did not. He did. He was talking about someone, I think it was in Two Gentlemen of Verona. Ray says, her practicing her sartorial craft, she had a lot of Pinterest because she had

a lot of interest in pins. And then the other gentleman of Verona responds, it's not that she loved her, he opposite of loved her. He didn't. Then he vomits and blacks out for six hours. It's his longest play as a result. And lots of theaters, they cut that. They term it down to three hours of vomiting and blacking out.

Well, you can usually just turn it into like a dream ballet that kind of conveys the time. Or you do like a War of the Roses kind of thing. You're like, hey, buckle in audience. Yeah. Purists to the whole play. This is a three hour song about social networking platforms. I am Barbican the Tumblr. Lord Stephen of Alive Journal.

I don't know what's happening. I would like to have been there on this day when this girlfriend asked this guy how much he loved her and he responded, I don't know. I have to go to Yahoo Answers. A hundred? I literally can't quantify it. How big is a house? We have an opportunity here not to equate it to another metric, but to come up with our own

metric that we can think about how much money we can make off it. If we sold that shit to Hallmark and we just said like, you know, 50 billion throbs. Throbs. Throbs is so good. I'm mad that we had this whole, we were going to have this whole riff and Travis just nailed it right out of the gate. It's throbs, obviously.

Sexual, but it's also heart related. Okay. So zero throbs is just utter indifference and negative throbs is that hatred or does hatred have its own? Now, what is hatred? What is hatred? I'm sorry. I forgot the goof.

Dullard. I'm not even going to do your throb goof now because you ruined my goof. No, this is, no, please don't take this out. Making opportunity that we have in front of us. Once a season, I get a goof V10. I'm going to get the goof as a punishment for you unintentionally killing my goof. In the annals of goofing. This is like a goof in the reservoir dogs.

Jesus. Travis is cutting a goof ear off. Dancing. Fuck. Say your dumb thing about throbs. I'm just trying to come up with for our listeners to use with their lovers. I just want us to come up with some sort of metric. We founded the term.

Travis founded the term. Let's come up with some numbers. So zero is indifference. That's how I feel about like Kevin Costner. Like fine, he can do his thing. What is, okay, so then it's like friendship is maybe, maybe 100? If you're going to do that, why have a scale though? Like what's in between those two?

I mean, there's a lot of acquaintance, business partner. And there's a level of friendship. You can be like, we, you know, we're like go to lunch friends and that's like 75 throbs. So it's nice because everybody's always saying love. Yeah. And the word doesn't mean anything. Let's get some numbers attached to that. That's what I'm trying.

Thank you. Welcome to that. Welcome to the team building exercise. A thousand I think should be friends of Benny's. You know what I mean? I think that pure, I think that pure and beautiful love clocks in around 10,000. But 10,000 is like, that's the kind of love that only your grandparents have because they know what sacrifice is.

Wow. Like they, your, your pat pat killed the Nazis so he can level a harder than you. The only way that you can reach 10,000 is if you've been married to the same person for more than 50 years and also one of you has been to war and you know the loss. Yeah. I like this. I like not only putting a number to it, but putting restrictions to it. So when something's like, I love you 9,000 throbs.

And you're like, no, you don't because you didn't grow up in the same town next door to each other. So sorry. How do we, how do we measure it though? Is there a device, like a meat thermometer? We can just plug into our hearts and know. It's a meat thermometer. Stab yourself at this. I gotta know.

I gotta test it. Right in the heart. You know those things they put in turkeys that you know it's done because it pops out? Yeah. It's like that. Yeah. It's like when you do your tire pressure and it shoots out a certain amount and you're like, oh, it looks like you're at about 5,000 throbs.

You guys are getting along well. I wish that, I think I'm just going to stick to measuring my wife's love the way I always have. And that's asking her to see a movie with Jason Statham in it. What about the day when she one day says no? That joke was actually donated to me by Ray Romano. I definitely want to thank him for all his. Everybody like 4,000 throbs Raymond. You know what I mean?

Everybody throbs Raymond. That impression with the Brooklyn. Was that the brother? That was the brother. Hey, I have found that I become too emotionally invested in television book series. I tend to overload myself in the beginning, like when I discovered Doctor Who and it consumed my every waking moment and then feel empty and sad when they're over. I'm caught up to the current season.

I don't know what to fill this void with besides more television and book series. Do you guys have any suggestions? That's from Immoderate in Indianapolis. I wish I knew the answer to this. Travis is the king of just he'll he'll call you'll suggest a new show to him and he'll call you at like three in the morning like well I watched all upon stars. Yeah, like literally I will consume them to non-existence like to the point where I use it all up and no one else can enjoy it.

For me it's like I can't be my work ethic goes right out the window when I know that there's TV that I should be watching. I've watched four episodes of Game of Thrones and all I want to do is watch the rest of them. But I'm trying to savor the experience but it's literally why we've been doing this podcast. All I can think about is that show. What I found funny is I love when something like that happens and it gets put in perspective for you because like I had never seen that as weird like just sitting down and like well I've got today off I'm going to watch every episode of season three of Doctor Who, right?

And then when I started living with Theresa she would come home like you were on the couch watching Doctor Who when I left. I was like yeah I've been doing it all day and she was just horrified like how do you do that? The good news and then I then I realized it was weird. The good news is that you've already found the answer to your question. You have to you have to just move on to the next thing. Yeah. You just soak up soak up the ratings to the next the next thing.

You gotta be constantly on the hunt. That's why we've got Twitter. Do you know you know what dad our dad does something that's always blown my mind and I first noticed it when we go on vacation. He will simultaneously read like five books like and that blows my mind. That idea of like not just one book that you're glued to. Like he'll read a chapter of one set it down and pick up another one and read a chapter of that one and set that down and pick up a different it's it's it's amazing.

He is an apparatus that he built that allows him to read and turn the pages of five books at once that he reads with compound eyes. Our dad has compound eyes. I have hard enough time finding one books that brain giles won't disapprove of. Like five that can read concurrently. So maybe that's it maybe pick like different shows and try to like cut Doctor Who with storage wars. Cut it you know and break it up a little bit.

Getting married helps this too because when I conned my wife into watching Battlestar she ended up really liking it. But at first when you're like and then and then this and then it's on space and then it's old timey and as the captain it's Edward James almost kind of a hard pitch. So we had to watch Dawson's Creek alongside of it which is which is good because it took us longer to get through both of them. And now Dawson's Creek of course went on a lot longer. So we're burning through those you got you got got though.

I got goofed. Yeah it was a it was a dirty trick but I fell for it because I do because that's my job. And I think that's another thing watching something with someone. So you have to like also match their schedule because like three some I've been watching down Maby. That's how you do it. Yeah. Yeah.

And because like we have two different schedules it's like hey let's find a special time to watch an episode together instead of like well she's off to work. I'm going to burn through the day watching you know every episode with something. You really really can't enjoy a show like that. You really if you watch if you spend an entire day watching the show it's not a special anymore. But now whenever new episodes of Downton Abbey come out like I watch them with my girlfriend and it's like an event it's like an exciting thing that I get so excited for. And when I said Downton Abbey I meant The Bachelor.

I wish we could talk about The Bachelor together because we can't. I need to air out some grievances I have with Courtney. Well I'll just take a headset off and hey. You can talk about it if I can pretend like you're talking about a flavor of love. Can you switch the names around. Just replace all the girls in New York. How many push-ups should I be able to do. I'm 30 and a guy.

Thanks brothers. There's only one way to solve this right. All three of us do push-ups right now to see how many. Yeah we got any push-ups right now to see how we do. I can't I just gotta. Only if we can edit it out later because I feel like it's only good if we can come back and say like 800. Okay all right here we go.

800. I did 802. I did 14. Wow that is not good. You really did them huh. But I had it but my roommate sat on my back while I did it. The thing is it doesn't matter how many that you do. It's how it's the next time you gotta do one more.

Yeah big big big big dog. No fear. 1998. Just keep no fear. Never give up. Never sit a render. You could fight. You could fly.

You could grow. You gotta say Maggie. Gotta say Jack. Let your roommate sit on your back. Oh my god. Bangerang. No fear. You just gotta get out there and bangerang.

You know what I'm saying. No fear. I have all this. I'm reading this off my card's rear windshield right now. Actually I have all this emblazoned there. I can't. I've been in several collisions. Travis you could probably do.

Where are we to actually do push-ups? You could probably do more than us. That seems fair. That is probably true. I have healthy upper body strength. Your physical form in the world in a way that Griffin and I are unaccustomed. I take a great offense to that

because I have recently been crushing it with Mr. Bob Harper of The Biggest Loser and he has been toning and blasting me in ways that I did not know were possible for my body to be toned and blasted. Is the titular it that you're crushing your dignity? Is that how that's taking off? I actually, no kidding.

I put the DVD, the workout DVD in my computer in my room so that no one can see because when I work out I look like a fucking sea creature. I look awful. I am like within three minutes. Before that fucking warm-up is over I am just drenched in sweat. I can't, I don't own free weights

with which to do the exercises so I have to use cans of pineapples. Is that why you keep telling me you're eating so much pineapple? One time I tried to do it with yearbooks but they got too slippery from the sweat I put on them. I think the rule of thumb, the problem is however many you say you can do

if a person cares enough about it to ask you how many you can do they're gonna say they can do five more than whatever you just said. Guys I live in fear of the night that I'm at a party and all the dudes are like let's have a push-up competition. I have to find my entire social life

around congregating with people who are not gonna put me in that awful, awful position. And you ask obviously where are the pineapples if we're gonna do that. We're gonna do it, do it right. Where's the cans of dole? I'm gonna need a pineapple can and I'm also gonna need the skinniest person

here to sit on my back. I've been trying to get a little more active and yesterday I was actually riding the exercise bike while I was watching an episode of Parks and Recreation and I thought if I'm not careful I'm gonna lose touch with the streets. This that's my concern is I might not have the urban the sort of urban edge that I once possessed.

Oh I should mention I was also drinking a glass of Pinot Grige. And wearing a vest. I was wearing a vest and nothing else and a monocle and a monocle and reading monocle. Griffin you got a yahoo? I have a few yahoo's. This one was sent in by Gali Ayali.

Thank you Gali. It's by Yahoo Answers user. I'm not even gonna try. K X F L E U G H which I think is pronounced clah. Who asks, how do I keep my bat let's sharp? How do I come out of the closet as a jeopardy fetishist? Oh no.

I mean there is nothing sexier to me than a good looking female jeopardy contestant. Wow what maybe that's because of the rarity. This is the only thing I can ever think about again that this exists. This is somewhere there is someone going what is my boner. You can do as much for the world as you want to to improve it and this will still be a thing in it. It doesn't matter.

It's sunk. The ship is sunk. You know we've had questions about wanting to bone Pokemon and like porn parties with your friends. This is the most upsetting sexual thing I've ever heard. Because you record the episode and you have no idea. You're just trying to remember what famous actress etc etc and there's some dude at home like yeah answer.

Yeah ring that buzzer. Do you see how she signed her name? Bet it all. Let's deal with some pretty harsh truths right now. If you think that Ken Jennings didn't get more trim than a Persian rug factory then you are fooling yourself. You are telling yourself goofs and lies. Yeah but Griffin here's the thing.

Him rolling up to a bar and all the jeopardy groupies like falling all over him that's perfectly fine that doesn't bother me at all. But the idea of someone sitting at home in the dark in the glow of their TV screen just like losing it not because the person is winning and they want to like latch on to their coattails but like just because the person is on the show. That's weird. Situation. There's an attractive lady playing jeopardy against two people crushing them.

Crushing them. By the time the final jeopardy comes there's no way they can catch up but she still bets everything gets the answer right and writes a little joke down in the answer field. How do you not. Yeah I'm beating it. All right dots the eye with a little heart. Yeah and the little heart has a mustache for well I guess Trebek doesn't have that anymore.

No and the little heart doesn't have a mustache and she and as she's leaving she books her flight home they say wait you've got to come back tomorrow and and win again. She said I just won jeopardy. Yeah. And then she winks and leaves. Bet in a thousand and then she gets and then they say did anyone catch her name. No she was a jeopardy angel. She was Roma she was Roma Downey.

She's gone now. Schooled by an angel. And that was the day I shaved my mustache. Alex Trebek. I'm saying there's there's a lot of I'll say sort of conspicuous sexual energy in jeopardy. It's it's I think it's under the radar. And it's all generated by Alex Trebek.

Well and also in every episode someone talks about Merv Griffith. There's never been a dirtier name I don't know what is Merv Griffith. I do love when that show gets accidentally sexual like that when the guy got the question about the garden instrument that also means a person of loose morals and he said ho the answer was rake or the one where the guy got asked what a punch to the back of the head was called named after an animal and he said donkey punch but it's really a rabbit punch. That's brutal. So you've you've been working at what are you writing a middle floss article about this or what.

Soon you're pretty well educated. Well listen thank you guys so much for joining us. We certainly appreciate you spending this time with us. My brother my brother me is the is the show if you've forgotten. Thank you so much to everybody who tweets about the show throughout the week using the MBMA hashtag. Our friend also named Mariko was was crushing it this week with I think 30 or 40 tweets. Clea Buckler.

I think this person's name is Donger Monkey Hallways. Scotty James is always church's wife. All the all the classic the classic hits Nikki the rat Chapman Cara. Just use that in the game hashtag Joshua Moore. Autism. Hooligan D 89 sport Burke so many. And thank you to everybody who who has shared the show with a friend told someone to listen. You can of course find us on iTunes search for you know our show.

And while you're searching iTunes might I recommend checking out the satellite dish with Justin and Sidney McRoy. It's it's just so good. Their take on on modern day television hilarious. And in case of emergencies on there too is Travis show where he talks about how you can survive disastrous in areas. It's practical useful advice which is pretty pretty different from our show. You can download my EP.

My tunes. Modern modern love. Is that the name of it. What did you decide on. It's called helplessness blues because I I am Fleet Fox. You just know that about me. I do not know. Congratulations.

You got your guys are having a great year. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters for the use of a theme song. It's a departure off the album putting the days to bed. Justin you recently got you you got you recently had a long winters experience right. Yeah my man John Roderick took a picture of him and Chris Bally from Presidency United States of America because he knew it made me happy. Waiting for that mashup. Send it to me.

Yeah super collider. So yeah get that out. You're going to you're going to love it. Your kids are going to love it. And it sounds like Travis is starting to open a candy of some sort. Wrap up. It's my Valentine's Day candy. I'm really excited about it.

I got 50% off. All right. It's so cheap because I waited till after the hunt. It's final. Yeah. You would find people. Griffa. Let's go.

It's sent him by Kit Rekka. Thank you. Okay. It's right. Yeah. Who answers use of George Costanza. Sure. My two hamsters escaped my hamster city and settled in my wall and won't listen to reason.

I'm just a McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffa McRoy. He's been my brother and my brother and me kiss your dad square on the lips.