My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 93: Dax is All

Episode Date: February 27, 2012

We can't think of an episode that's as timely and relevant as the one you're about to listen to. Just in time for the Oscars, we're bringing you some truly sage-like movie talk. Sadly, that movie came out in 2004, and was the worst thing ever. Suggested talking points: P.O.D., Impossible Dave, President Lamppost, Getting Zucked, Squatching, Dickolletage, Without a Paddle

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Hi everybody, welcome to me. Hey Justin, what's wrong? My brother, my brother, and me, whatever. What's the matter? Vice show or something. Well, look at the calendar. Yeah. You see, you see, if you look at them, my brother, my brother, and me calendar, you see how

Sunday, February 26, was like circled, and there's a smiley face. You see, I put like a bunch of happy face stickers on it and stuff. You drew three people sitting on a couch, and they're eating popcorn, and they're laughing and jesting with each other. Right, that was us watching the Oscars, and it was great. Billy, well, Crystal was just so funny, and such a minch. Billy Crudup was in rare form. Billy Zane was pretty awesome. Billy O'Connelly was Irish, and Billy D. Williams was there. I got POD. Yeah. I got Post-Oscar Depression. It's a clinical thing. It's a real disorder, and I'm living with it. I'm not dying from it. Yeah. Symptoms include just the sorrow that

comes from knowing that you're just not going to see Billy Crystal again for another four or five years. No, I mean, at best. Justin, can't you self-medicate by watching the SAG Awards, and the Golden Globes, and the Grammys, and the Kids' Choice Awards? And City Slickers, and City Slickers, too. That's like going to the methadone clinic, though. It's good. It's definitely a way towards healing, but I don't want to kick this addiction. There are no after effects. There are no side effects of this addiction to glamour, this addiction to suspense, the anticipation, the drama, the pomp, the circumstance, the tradition, to say nothing of gowns. You can do what I do, Justin. What's that? Live every day like it's a red carpet show.

A red carpet show, you say? Yes. And as you're walking down the street, just walking up, people go, who are you wearing? Yeah. I've been arrested a couple of times. Who am I wearing? A smile, because I'm living my life on the red carpet right now. Yeah. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to live my life on the red carpet, and next year, when the Oscars come on, I'm going to T-vote, I'm going to watch a minute of the day. The problem is, I use it up all at once. I mainline a whole big chunk of Oscar magic, when I should be spreading it out as part of my morning prep, morning get ready. Slow drip it. Slow drip it. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McIlroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McIlroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin. Guys,

Vegas odds, what are we putting our money on? Best pick. Best pick. You mean for 2013? Best pick for this. Well, yeah, I guess by the time this episode will come out, we'll have missed it. I think it was Titanic again. Yeah, I think Titanic 3D is going to win handily. If you figure out how hard it swept. Can 3D remakes actually win Oscars? Because if so, that's probably not right. You just took the movie, and you stretched it out so that it comes towards the audience a little bit. When they have the power to move you, which I think Titanic 3D will do. Right, but Titanic 2D also had that power. Only now it's like, well, this ship's coming at me. All right. But I think because the economic collapse,

it's going to be especially relevant. I'm saying I have to put their glasses over my glasses, which are already pretty big, and I'm not sure I want to pay money to do that. Now, why does that have any bearing on its award show? You've lost me a little bit. Movies should be a pleasant experience, right? The movies that win Oscars, the critics, the academy, the people, when they walk out of the movie, they say, oh, right? They say, oh, man. Is that a good uh? Yeah. Or maybe a bad uh. That sounded like somebody who had super bad gas. Nobody walked out of No Country for Old Man with a fucking spring in their step. They walked out either confused or kind of lonely. Yeah. So that reminded of their eventual uh, on ever ever approaching extermination.

So, so it can go, I mean, it can go both ways, but you can't get that experience when you have to put a pair of glasses over your fucking glasses so you look like a dad on vacation. You know, I know Country for Old Men got people so hard is because you hear the author's name and it's Cormac McCarthy. Boy, does that sound like a cheery guy? He sounds Joe. He sounds like a, maybe like a pub owner who gives you a free bacon with your beer. Yeah. Like a festive jolly. And it's just not that. That's not his style at all. Justin, the name of the movie is No Country for Old Man. Yeah. Like there are no words in that title that are pleasant. Well, then again, unless you cut half of them off and put grumpy at the beginning,

it's like, oh my, this is very funny. I guess Travis is an idiot. Also, No Country for Old Man could be describing like a spring break vacation, right? Yeah. This place is not for Old Man. It's for sexy. No, you're thinking of No Old Man Allowed, which puts a much different movie. I'm starting a young Shia LaBeouf. I'm thinking of Coed Explosion, Shark Attack. Who would be in No Old Man Allowed? It would probably be Shia LaBeouf, and in his final performance, Mr. Pat Merida. I would think could be the cast. Oh, and like Shia LaBeouf dresses up Pat Merida like a young guy to sneak him in. Hey, kids, I'm here. Wow. Serves up. Wax on. I've just been dumped. Do you have any suggestions for getting over an X?

More importantly, how can I make my ex-boyfriend jealous and or regret leaving me? That's from dashed lines. Now, I feel like we've answered the first half of this question a lot, recovery sandwich, but I really want to delve into the second half of this question. Or how can I make my ex-boyfriend jealous and or regret leaving me? The problem is you can't do the second thing while also doing the first thing. Yeah. Wow, that's so true. Your heart has got to let go of him and you've got to move on to the next to the next man. You see that report that they just came out from all the scientists that said that love and hate in your brain is like the same part of your brain. So when you hate somebody so much because they hurt you, guess what? You might as

well still love them. Yeah. Yeah. And the thing is too, like if you're trying to make him jealous and trying to make him regret leaving you, you're doing the opposite. Yeah. Wait. And what? I don't understand. Hold on. I would say that if you are actively like, hey, look how happy I am now, you're confirming in his mind like that he made the right choice. Oh, you're saying that like you're removing that by moving on, you're removing one of your best regret weapons and that is guilt? Guilt. Yeah. Exactly. So you, she needs to hang on to loneliness and just look like super, super lonely all the time. That's not, I feel like that's not, that's not what Beyonce would do. No, no. What would Beyonce do Griffin? Beyonce would just get a new man and the new man

would be incredible. Yeah. He would at the gym every day and every night he's in front of the stove making up the finest cuisine. He's not wearing a shirt and he's hugging her from behind. He's hugging her from behind and they're standing in a window and the wind is blowing into the room. Now you have to be careful because if you're looking for a man that's not wearing a shirt, it could go either way. That could go one of two ways with this man. This man is impossible. It's impossible for a man to be like this. You've heard of a six pack. He has a 30 pack. It's disgusting. He has a cube of abs. It looks like bubble wrap down there. He's got a micro brewery inside. He's got a whole papst inside of him. But he is all man. That's, I mean, that's the,

that's the quintessential thing, right? Like, I guess you could also, I guess you could hit him up style, blue can trial style. Uh-huh. You mean steal his credit card and rub a bunch of bills? I mean, petty theft. Identity theft, which I always wish that song had ended with her getting locked up and then having her ramp it off of a cliff Thelma and Louise style. It'd be quite the caper, capertune. There aren't enough caper songs. I love capertunes. They really do seem just like the purview of the Dixie Chicks. I'm saying that Beyonce has had a much more illustrious career than blue can trial. So maybe you should take her advice, get a man who is just psychedelic to look at. If Beyonce is so much better than blue can trial, maybe you can

tell me why she named her baby after her. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. Get Beyonce to name her kid after me. Now you're jealous. Didn't you think I could pull this off? It was, it took 10 years. Yeah. Man, I miss blue can trial. That's the longest con, blue can trial. That's a pretty good, yeah, it's a pretty good con in her part. Quite a grift from blue can trial. You gotta let it go. Yeah. Because what I was about to say was that this is what Facebook is for, but it's not. It shouldn't be. Yeah. Oh, no, you block him. You can't see your shit anymore. That's the thing. I think anything that you do, you're just digging yourself in deeper. You need to let go of this on so many levels. The regret will come just naturally, I think. Yeah. You're

great. You're awesome. He's going to realize it. And then he's going to be like, what do I do? I did it so wrong. And then he's going to feel bad. You've got to make sure your Facebook is full of pictures of you and Impossible Dave, the impossibly handsome man. Just like skiing while like he's reading Bible stories to local orphans, just having the time of your lives. Standing in a window without a shirt maybe. Yeah. Just like the sun's rays. His muscles rippling in the breeze. He's ordering you a drink at Starbucks that's so big they don't even put on the menu. He knows about the name of it. And he's the only one. It's a really special drink and he's sharing it with you. Let me get a Gordo, please. Gordo drip.

Hey, I recently started Griffin. No, you know what? I was about to read the next question, but I'm going to do an executive order here until I'm going to tell you to read me a Yahoo question from the Yahoo Answers service. I will ratify that. Okay. Do you have to do that again? Can I get a second? Can I get a second? It's ratified. This one was sent in by Sarah Rimmer. Thank you, Sarah. It's by Yahoo Answers user firerescue343 who asks, I have been drinking help. This is my first time drinking alcohol ever and I'm drunk. How do I get sober? I've tried to sleep. I can't help. Oh, man. We've all been there, right? Have we? The first time your mind goes to a place that

it's never been before? Yeah, we all need an Apache guide. I have before been to that place that it's like, well, this is my life from now on. I'm never going to not be this ever again. This is just how I'm going to be now. This is how things are forever. But once again, I love our modern age because I did not run to the internet and tell everyone about it. That's a pretty good, the first time I got drunk story. You know, first time I got drunk, I got so drunk that I had to ask the internet. The internet had to guide me out with its trustworthy hand. And I'm sure the internet was super supportive. That's who you want. That's who you want is your wingman when you're tripping through the mind. Fantastic.

Step one, just breathe. We're going to make it through it. Okay. All you're doing now is exploring the boundaries of your own limits. I'm here for you, brother. I'm here. Just refresh. I'm here. Are there any people to help? I mean, there are people that are offering extremely helpful but thoroughly scientific advice. Your body will digest roughly one unit of alcohol per hour. One times 440 milliliters can of Stella is 2.2 units. A whole 750 milliliter bottle of vodka. I'm drunk right now. What does this mean? I can't do math. Get your science out of here and say maybe God. Take your shoes off, put your feet on the floor and feel it, and then make the spins go away. Drink a bunch of water and take some ibuprofen. Maybe do some,

and then maybe do some math, apparently. Yeah. Long-division to figure out how fucked you are. Answer very. What's your BMI? Okay, first figure out your BMI and then we're going to get through this. Can you remember the first time that like when you start drinking at the age of 21 legally, when you start, when you kick that process off, you have no context for how much of this devil juice you have to put in your body to feel good. And there's a thin, thin needle you have to thread between like, ah, this feels great, and oh, no. What do I do? Do you remember the first time, and by first time, I mean probably the first time you ever drank that you were like, oh, fuck, I shot the cannon indoors. Yeah. I can remember being in a hotel and running around wildly trying

to, just trying to find some sort of semblance of reality. Yeah. But this was so messed up about the Yahoo Answers question, is that I'm 31 years old, and sometimes I still mess it up. Yeah, I'll be at an event I'm uncomfortable with, and suddenly I'll realize that I'm trying to impress the international medicine doctor that Sydney knows while he's telling me stories about visiting Ecuador, I'm trying to impress him because once I saw Jungle to Jungle on TVS, the worst part of that moment is you're watching like a slow wave like hit you. Yeah. At first you're like, you're like, ah, fun, I'm drunk. And that lasts for about three and a half seconds. And you're like, oh, I gotta deal with this now. Oh no, this is my situation right here. It's a minefield. No one

else is this drunk. It's just me. And the one thing I find it impossible to do when I'm in that place, and the one thing that I should do to get through it, is I lose that voice that says, you don't need to contribute this to this conversation. Just keep your, just keep your, keep a lid on that. You don't have to let him know. Yeah. That's a keep, that's keep your secret. Wouldn't it be great if you did that one time and you were like talking to like a foreign ambassador and just like, bro, I'm sorry, I didn't interrupt your story about child labor or whatever. I just got real drunk and he was like, it's cool, bro. We've all been there. You know what I mean? You could get you some water or something. It's cool, man. You're going to come down from this. It's

okay. Mr. President, what happened to taste stations? What? Can you use like your legal orders? I was thinking about, you're the president and you could do an executive order to make taste stations again. Open up. It's think of jobs, job growth. Think of the job growth. So I heard you used to smoke. Do you want to dog pound it out of here? I'm sorry. It's outside and we'll talk about discontinued hard chocolates. You're the coolest president ever. You're really cool. No, I mean that. No, seriously, I mean that. And I think you might be a lamp post and I think I might be outside. I might have been outside this whole time. I might have been outside this whole time,

but listen, you know what? I want to go to Yahoo Answers. I love you president and lamp post. I got to go. I got to go see if they can help me because I'm so lost right now. I want, who is this person? Who's this person? I'm going to try drinking. I know the perfect time and place to do this. They say you have a problem with alcohol if you start drinking alone. This person like opened with that. Where's he got to build to? Yeah, I'm just going to sit in room and drink fuck. I mean that's not a bad idea because this dude can drape himself in the anonymity of the internet like a warm soothing blanket and then ride this out and then understand how much booze he needs to take. But if he's at a party, then it's going to be a bad, rough, rough scene.

Griffin, could you do me one favor real quick? Sure. Read me his username again. It's firerescue343. Oh no. Yeah. I hope he wasn't on Dr. Mann Call. This is why it's so important that our nation's 14, 15, 16 year old start drinking because everyone has that embarrassing college experience, or maybe they do, maybe not everyone, but many have that embarrassing college experience where they didn't know their own limits and they drank too much and they got sloppy. If we start our kids drinking in 13, 14, 15, or they're going to be like, they're going to be like Hawkeye Pierce and BJ sipping martinis and just living life, living it up. Can we not bring this into our public school system and alongside like Sex Ed,

have like Party Ed, where it's like, listen, if you're at a music festival and somebody offers you opium, don't do it. But if you do have a buddy take you to the chill out, you want to find the most air conditioned bus that is there and go in that. We had a Party Ed at our high school, but everyone told me he graduated in 87 and he was just usually sitting at the bleachers. That was my Party Ed. He's a, he was a good man though, and he was the best man out wanting. I love him very much. I love you. Everything I know. Thank you. Party Ed. Thank you for your tutelage. Hey, I recently started working on a project with a friend for the project. My friend was, I'm guessing that that, uh, that access is

appropriate. I haven't read the question. Something felt strange, uh, when I was reading his work. So I Googled a line of what he wrote, only to find out that he had plagiarized it. When I confronted him, he said that he did not and that I am crazy, even though he is clearly lying. This is not a new thing. He's even came, he has even come to me with an idea for a podcast where he gives out fake advice. What? Now it's personal. Help me, brothers. Do I take the project for my own or should I just cancel the project altogether? That is from Zucked in Zuckersburg. That's great. Oh man. He did, he did get Zucked. It sounds like we're about to get fucking Zucked. We need to shut this kid down. Okay, listen, you know account motherfucker.

You're dead. You're dead and you don't even know it. You're walking around talking, eating licorate and you don't even know you're dead. You are dead. We know lawyers and we know desperate, desperate people. People that would do anything for licorate. They love, they love licorate and we know where to get it. The only place you can get it is this one shitty gas station in Chilli Coffee. And we're not going to tell anyone which shitty gas station in Chilli Coffee. No, we're not telling anybody that we are, we have a currency and it's licorate and we can get anything we want. Okay, so you better back off and come up with another podcast idea or steal somebody else's. Maybe, maybe two friends chat about the events of the day.

Good one. Or a bespectacled man judges people. I love it. Fairly or unfairly. Maybe that's an idea you could do. Two Canadians and a comedian friend yuck it up. Right. That's the new tagline that I've come up for, for stop podcasting yourself. Oh, and call it start podcasting yourself. Yeah. Yeah, that's alphabetically you've trumped them, which is a, which is as we all know. Commence podcasting yourself. Start podcasting a time, time, time to podcast. Just bring it back, Captain Kangaroo. He's not making a TV show and you're making it into a podcast. Yeah, don't steal anything but our show. This is all we got. Don't steal. Remake. Yeah. Remake, reboot, refresh the franchise. Do you know what I mean? Oh my God. What if this kid

remixed, refreshed, rebooted my brother, my brother, and me. With Captain Kangaroo. The, my brother, my brother, and me. The sequel. It's new. It's got Vanderbeek. It's got totally Maguire. You just got to call it like the ultimate, my brother, my brother, and me. Right. My brother, my brother, and me, babies. Ultimate universe. Ultimate universe too. 2022. My brother, my brother, and me, 2099 babies. Reborn. Baby YZs. Rebirth. Rebirth. Exodus. Fuck. Holiday special. So there are plenty of other ideas for podcasts out there and honestly, aren't podcasts more important than whenever this dumbass project you're working on for school is? Listen, none of us are going to high school anymore. We all dropped out to make

podcasts. Yeah. And if you can get a pretty good idea, everyone, I'd drop this project all together. Yeah. But not when you stole from someone else. Or not when you stole specifically from us. Yeah. And you know what? I just realized reading back over this question, the project I don't think is for school. Like this is just a fun project they're doing together, right? This is, can you pick a more abstract word to describe the thing you're doing? A project. Yeah. We're building a soapbox. But I'm just wondering like, who's like, Hey, let's do a fun thing together. Okay, let me go plagiarize some stuff. Sure. Sometimes you get overwhelmed. Your friend Zuck and Zuckerberg has great taste in podcasts, and he's got a lot of great ideas,

and you think, I wish I had some of his ideas, and then you get some of somebody else's ideas. But there are fucking ideas. Yeah. Please, please stop stealing our ideas. You're standing on the shoulders of giants, and we're the giants. Do you know what plagiarists? Get off of our shoulders. You're a little giant. We can't take the pressure. We just plagiarized little giants, just by moving it. But he forced us into it. I feel real pressured now to come up with a new idea for podcasts as this guy's moving in. And the Little Giants fancast is it. That's right, Little Little Giants, more fancasts. Little Giants, where are they now? They might be Little Giants, a fancast about Little Giants. The movie that nobody saw but the three people who are currently

speaking. So hope you like the goose, everyone. Good night. Okay, if you were to make a kids sports podcast that is about, it could be about Angels in the Outfield, Little Giants, Little Big League, Little Big League, Rookie of the Year, Big Green, Guts, Global Guts, Guts, Global Guts, Bad News Bears, and Bad News Bears Remake. Yeah. What was that one with Keanu Reeves where he taught all the inner city kids a thing or two about baseball? Ladybugs? No, it was called a thing or two about baseball. Ladybugs would be good. Heavyweights? Heavyweights, sure, yeah. There's go-kart racing in that. Jop and LBs is the ultimate sport. Torturing Ben Stiller is the most rewarding game.

I think that would be a pretty good podcast. Why don't you make that one? Here, that one's yours. We just wrapped a little ribbon around it. Go fucking take it. But don't take ours. Take it. Take it. Are you serious? I'll plagiarize somebody who murdered someone sometime to your friend. I'll show him, I'll rip off their style, but I'll do it on your friend, the murder. Can he go over this for me one more time? Yeah, I'm trying. John Wayne Gacy, he was a murderer, right? He murdered kids though. Who didn't murder kids? Who was just like an all-around murderer? Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper murdered women. I'm gonna steal his style of murder and I'll kill your fucking friend. Okay, let's cut out all the jibba-jabba. You're

gonna murder somebody. You're just talking around. I'm not gonna guarantee murder this guy, but if a show called Three Siblings and one, I'll fucking kill him, he's dead. He's dead. He doesn't even know it. He's dead. So you do whatever you want with your project, because it might not be a problem anymore, because it sounds like we're gonna have to kill your friend. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry you wrote in and this blood is on your hand. You'll hear from our lawyers. Our dead. Our lawyers are ghosts. Everyone we know is a ghost or a horse. Griffin? That's sort of the theme. Sure, sure, sure. This will flow nicely. This is sent in by Emily Wall. Thank you, Emily. It's

by Yahoo Answers user, Nam, who asks, Demon Hunter, help me. Wait. I want to be a Demon Hunter. I beg you guys. Real Demon Hunters out there? Knock, knock. Answer me. Teach me. I want to be a Demon Hunter and the best. Please answer me. I only want answers from the real ones. Not the wannabes or the non-believers. I want to be Demon Hunters. Yeah. I'm trying to, they bought all their Demon Hunting gear from LL Bean. I'm trying to make a circle of salt to capture a fey and it's like, whoa, what a trip over. Get out of here. You want to be Demon Hunter. Some of us are trying to track down the bowlock. Buddy, buddy. That guy wouldn't know a werewolf from Wolfman.

Do you think in the world of Demon Hunters, the lowest tier are the Sasquatch Hunters? Yeah. They're just wandering around in circles and looking. I am convinced that Sasquatch Hunters are just looking for a cover to have gay sex in the woods. They do keep saying the word Squatch a lot. They say Squatch a lot. That's clue one, clue two. It's just two guys. Like in any other culture, the fact that two guys in a tent go to the woods, stay for some unspecified amount of time and come back with nothing. They're having, they're having secret gay sex with each other that they're hiding from their wives because the alternative is that they're looking for a shit that does not exist in the real world. I sooner understand fishing and that's just,

that's just hurting fish for no reason. That's just being mean to fish. That's just being mean to fish, which after seeing that movie about Nemo, I don't see how anybody could do that. You're stretching this out to encompass basically all folklore. So across the globe, like Chupacabra, Chupacabra, Loch Ness Monster, these are just different reasons for different countries and different cultures to have secret gay sex. Loch Ness Monster, two Scottish gay guys wanted to have sex by alike. Area 51, a bunch of people in Nevada got together in the desert. For dusty sex. A secret bone circle is what they did and then they came back like, yeah, we found a bunker. It was great. It's great. We can't ever find it again,

but it's no, no big deal. What other mythological beasts? I'm trying to, I'm, I'm, Spring Hill Jack. Spring Hill Jack? Is that Jack the Ripper? I don't know. He was quite real. So what about Champion Lake Champlain? What is that? That's like America's Loch Ness Monster. Okay. Well, no, remember what I was talking about? No, I think that's real. That one is actually that one's true. Jersey Devil, real Mothman, two older gentlemen from the Point Pleasant area who wanted to have gay sex under a bridge. I think Jackalope even sounds jackalope sounds like some sort of gay sex. That one's not even a clever disguise. That's two guys named Jack alope together. Yeah. Yeah, that's, wow, that's a little on the, I'm, what I'm saying is basically the entire cryptozoology

field. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs, obviously, cavemen wanting to have gay sex with each other. Oh, that's a huge conspiracy. A lot of bucks went into forging that one. That one must be for like, I don't know, rich museum owners to have gay sex with each other. My name is Steven J. Smithsonian, and I'd like to have secret gay sex with another man. I know dinosaurs. Welcome to Jurassic Secret Gay Sex Dungeon. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Oh, man. Hey, Deb, I'm gonna be back next weekend. I'm just gonna go out look for some megafauna with, with Gary. I'll come back. Hopefully nothing hurts me out there in the wild. That's not real. That's not a real thing you're going out looking for. And everybody knows it.

I don't think everybody knows it, just I think that there are some groups of people that have gone out there looking for el chupacab. And what they have found instead is, hey, I had such a fun time looking for chupacabra. Let's, let's. How much would you hate to be the rookie Sasquatch Hunter that's really in it to find the Sasquatch and you're really passionate about it? True believer. And like you roll up and like you find a group of guys who are like, yeah, we're Sasquatch Hunters and like they're all winking at each other and like, oh, they know where the Sasquatch is. I'm going with those guys and then you get out there. The fucking witching hour rolls around and it's, it's dicks out everyone. Everyone dicks a holey. Dennis,

unbutton your pants. We're going to find a Sasquatch. Come here, you big, you big, fire monster. You know what they say about big feet? What's up? Sasquatch. Squatchin' it. Let's squash together. That's why they call a secret gay sex Sasquatch. But this is, this is interesting. This only applies to men. If women want to have secret gay sex with each other, they just do it because they're grown-ups. They do it like adults. They don't hide in the forest and pretend to be looking for the, the globster or goat man. Oh, dog. What's a, what's a globster? Oh, sorry, say again. A globster? A globster is a bo, a blob. A glob that's also a lobster. Obviously. It's, it's a blob from New Zealand.

Yeah, it's pretty, it's pretty brutal. But listen guys, just admit you love each other and live your lives and stop going, just leave Sasquatch alone. He's got, he's got better things to do. He's got better things to do than avoid the, the, the clumsy advances of a bunch of closeted homosexual men. I'm a, okay. I'm looking back at the Yahoo page and I would just want to share a couple of responses. One was by Yahoo answers user Mastema, whose image is, I would say, an absolutely terrifying pale white face with murderous red lips and a long black hair. And he says, stop hunting. I came to you. Kill me. What? And then right below him is Wicked Vamp, whose profile I would say fits the exact description

I just gave you. Who says, pulls up a chair. Okay, demon hunter, let's see you do your thing. Mastema looks like we know what's for dinner tonight. Oops! And then the third one that says, guys, this is your dad. Get off the computer. Come down to dinner. Oh man. You act, it looks like you accidentally role played on Yahoo answers. That was the thing you did there. Oops. I'm waiting for a call from work and I can't get it while you guys are on the modem. Please lock, please lock off. God damn. People. Are they demon hunters? Are there more answers about demons? The thread, the thread there, just stop. I mean, there's somebody else who says,

you Twittered soul. Why would you like to become a hunter? You not join us. So I think they were also going for I'm a demon. Oh, let's be honest, demons would not be good at typing. No, because they have like three fingers that's like all claws. Yeah, it's all claws and prongs down there. What if the best place, would you be shocked to find that the best place to find demons is on Yahoo answers? I would be shocked. Like if that turned out like they've all been there. I would be shocked if the best place to find them was literally anywhere else. I think this is a breeding ground. I think that Yahoo answers web servers are built on a fucking hell mouth. This sounds like the spin off series

that Blake Lively is going to do. I used to be just a normal average girl to wonder on Yahoo answers. I found demons. Now I hunt them because I'm half demon. And also we got canceled. Sorry, dad. I messed up. Hey Griffin, you know where I go looking for demons? Where do you go? Where do you go? Money. That's that's my that's my demon. That's the monkey on my back. That's your vice? That's my vice is the pursuit of the green stuff, the old green bath, saw bucks. And there's only one cure for presidential flashcards, presidential flashcards, baby. That presos. We're getting taken to the money zone by Apple and Kiwi comics. According to the information that has been provided to me, it is the story of a moderately insane adventure with his lazier

and less insane adventure friend and they live together in a they live fairly average city lives not include the nightmarish creatures, the kidnappings and journeys to strange places. Also their dog is a cactus. You left out the fact that one's black and one's white because you won't guess which one they said they said that in the email to us to say to everyone else because it's one's moderately insane black adventure and his lazier and less insane white adventure. Right. I don't I didn't understand specifically what role race played in Apple and Kiwi comics. I assume that's like in Final Fantasy, you have like the the white mage and the black mage one's a black adventure and one's a white adventure. That's good Travis.

One follows the forces of chaos. The other the forces of peace. I like that. I like that possible. You might be getting racist again. Okay. No, no, no, that's not what I mean. I just mean. You mean that one is unruly? I mean that white is savage. Just white is good and black is bad. I don't see what's the problem. What's the problem in my so Apple and Kiwi comics. Apple and Kiwi comics.com. Check it out. Check it out. And if you need to wash away the dirt of our racism, read to wash away the dirt of accidentally thinking you might have sounded racist on your comedy podcast. Boy, have I got a soap for you. It's it's stack soap and it's soap that stacks. I know what you're saying witchcraft illegal.

Black magic. Black magic. Fuck. You need some white soap to clean up your black magic. God damn it. Shit. Shit. Okay, I'm gonna try again. Soap that goes into another soap. Can you explain explain the soap squashes together? When you when you used up one bar of soap till you just have a sliver, a stupid sliver, there's a crevasse in the next bar of stack soap that is specifically made so that your sliver can go inside the new bar. So you will never miss out on using soap again. How and how does this interface with the shampoo suds that I use as soap?

It is going to completely negate your need for them because you'll finally have real soap like a real boy. Travis, you use stack soap while visiting me this weekend. What'd you think? I was surprised to find it did not dry out my skin and it left me feeling cleaner than I believe I've ever felt before in my life. Wonderful. That's a God's honest. Stack soaps looking for your contributions to help get them off the ground. You can go to stack soap.com. They've already met their fundraising goal, but they're still taking donations and you can still get a lot of great soap for a pretty darn good price as you help burgeoning young business find its flooding. So go to stack soap.com. Griffin, I believe you have a song about apple and kiwi that you have

prepared that makes no mention to skin color. Can you swing that for me? Yeah, this is gonna be a tricky lick. I was gonna do a goof like I downloaded a fart piano app on my phone, but now the waters are choppy enough as is. Oh, I think I should really give this one. Okay. Whether you're black or white or wrong or right, not that black people are wrong and white people are right all the time. You gotta go on adventures with your ethically diverse friends. That's the best kind of adventure you can have at appleandkiwicomics.com. No appleandkiwicomics.com. Was that racist? Was the song racist? No, not at all. I said that black people were wrong. No, you said not that they were wrong. It was a couplet. It was obviously a couplet. That's the

listener introducing his own racist parallelism into your song that's just about friends and adventure and race and race. You've been working on a stack soap song. Yeah, I've been thinking about doing it right in the middle, like right after the first bridge doing like a fart piano solo. I shouldn't find that as funny as I do. You certainly shouldn't. Why am I four years old? It's gonna be good. It's gonna be good. How many more weeks? Wait, I think you got like two more weeks to come up with something. So Griffin will have something pretty sick by the time all is said and done. It's gonna be pretty great. But we'll have to keep following his jingle progress for our first stack soap. Hey, and if you're looking for a more racially sensitive podcast, might I suggest

any on the Maximum Fun Network? Here's an ad for one right now. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Every week on our show, Jordan, Jesse, go, I would say that we share a little slice of our hearts. Yeah. And a little peek at our dicks. But every week we have a podcast where we have fun and funny conversations with guests from the worlds of comedy, film, television. It's all online at MaximumFun.org or just search for Jordan, Jesse, go in iTunes. Hey, are bulges in the crotch area of a guy's pants socially acceptable? My friend is poor and has very few pairs of pants. One he got recently at a Google, it causes a rather noticeable man lump in his growing region. He asked me if they were okay. And being a guy myself, I had no good

answer for him. Do the ladies find this attractive? Are there specific social events where this kind of thing is accepted and encouraged? That's from Awkward in Arvada. Does this person think that this guy, when he bought the pants at Goodwill, already had a boner in it? I'm so confused as to the premise. Is this like the pants are so tight that you can see all the nooks and crannies? Or is this because of the way it's sewn and when you put it on a belt, it just naturally lumps up? Or are you saying your fucking buddy has got priapism and you don't know how to deal with that reality? I do think that if your friend has priapism and he's suffering from that, you do need to convince him to see a doctor. That's your duty as a friend. Do these new pants

rub against his thing in a way that is vaguely pleasurable? No. He likes new pants. He likes new old pants. He loves new old pants. Personally, I love this. The ladies have been walking around for a long time. 10,000 years. The ladies have them cranked up. Can you turn down your bosoms, please? Because I can't hear you over your bosoms. The ladies turned up the bosoms full blast and then they tore off the knob. I love that guys see that and say, you know what, I'm turning the tables on this. I'm going to go on my bulge on full blast. Now here is the caveat to this. The ladies will not enjoy that. It is not in any way intriguing. Maybe we're just not doing it right yet. Maybe we need to come up with pants with a little slit so you can just see like, I don't know, a couple

inches of the right side of the shaft. You're talking like junk cleavage. That's what I'm talking about. Why is it okay for ladies to show one-third to two-fifths of a boob and that it's not okay for a guy to walk around with a little. With an inch to an inch and a half of clear plastic right down there, just showing off one of the edges of the shaft. Just a vertical slice. Some mesh down there and the weave of the mesh is dependent on how formal the event you're going to. I love this. You're going, oh, did you see his dichotage? Oh, Christ. TM, don't plagiarize that, you fucking Zuckerberg thief. This is my friend, we're watching you. You know, you go to, if you're going to maybe a wedding or a funeral, you have a tasteful understated that maybe dichotage. You

don't want to distract from the groom's dichotage. Right, you maybe even it looks solid in certain lights. Ooh, that's a good look. Do you know who can make dichotage so great? If you're at Clooney at the red carpet. Clooney? He could go 2.5 inches of dichotage down there. I don't want to think about it. Colin Farrell says it often pretends it's something they've been doing in Ireland for years. Sure. That makes it immediately cool. Yeah, we call over there, we call it cockla bloggers and something. That's all the rage over there, the lads love it, the cockla bloggers. We've been wearing them since I was a week. You break that worry over here. It's like, I'm in, I'm down. I think we just need to figure out what the appropriate amount of shaft

to show is to get a woman to do the Diamond Dave double take where she lowers her daglow plastic sunglasses. Yeah. And then it does a triple like bam, bam, bam. I have this especially wired dichotage that every time I peel it open, it plays a record scratch sound from my crosshair. What? What? That sound a woman makes when she's doing a Diamond Dave double take. She does a fucking Scatman wrist. She turns into the Scatman brothers. Yeah. Well, if you guys have never made a woman do it that I'm not surprised you don't know what she says. I have never made a lady, I have never ever made a lady sweetie beep with her mouth. But I've never experimented with dichotage. Yep. Yeah. Well, I spent some time over in Europe. So. Oh, sure. So it's all the rage over there.

That explains it. My buddy Colin Farrell showed me what to do. I went to Burning Man. It was edible down there. What do I care? Set it off. It wasn't made to be edible. It wasn't made to be at all, but it was a long weekend. We all made a lot of mistakes. So I guess. Yes. Is that like, what's the answer? No, I don't. If you got a bulge, there's no guarantee it's not a tumor. Yeah. That's all I'm saying to you. I'll be worried about you if I see that. Hey, let's get you to, let's get that. I can see your healthy shaft, a healthy few inches. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. That's going to put my mind at ease, and you're going to look good doing that. I also want to take a moment to say hi to our frequent listener, our grandmother, Nani.

I certainly enjoyed your visit this weekend, and I hope you got back to Florida safely. You'll find this special cut down version episode of this episode that we sent to you through Hotmail so that you can listen to it, and you won't hear all the stuff we said about digtips and shafts. You're welcome. You're welcome. I love you. We make her a special nonny friendly version every week. It is four and a half minutes long. We get Diplo and Cascade in the mix, and they do a remix version of us. Our nonny loves one thing that's for us to be chopped and screwed. Chopped and screwed, the nonny club mix. Can you read me a yahoo, please? Sure. Um, I forgot about this one. This one was sent in by Golly and Yolly.

Thank you, Golly. It's by Yahoo Answers user Vampire Night Fan. Why did so many critics not like Without a Paddle? I mean, it was a good movie, had action, was really funny, and when I watched the movie, I was never bored. Was it really that bad? And if you don't know why critics didn't like it, then can you tell me what you think of the movie? Why did those Philistines not appreciate the beauty of Without a Paddle? Just a real quick, I know we make a lot of references here that people won't get, and you would be excused for not being on board with this one. This Starz. Matt Lillard. Let's say Matt Lillard.

Dax Shepard. Dax Shepard. That's from memory. Seth Green. Seth Green in one goddamn movie, I shit you not. And the three of these bros, these buddies, are going on a camping expedition? I think they're mourning the passing of one of their friends by partying in the woods. That's it. Let me go to the Google. Yeah, so they reunite for the funeral of a childhood friend, and they start looking for treasure? Yeah. And they get somehow their criminals, their dangerous criminals, they get mixed up in the, get mixed up. The Apple Dumbling Gang is also looking for the treasure. Yeah, they're on a race too. Here's all I'm saying. Budget, 19 mil, gross, 58 mil in the USA

to Sorry Haters. Hey Haters, what do you think about that? Oh, you gave it. Sorry Haters. You gave it no stars? Mr. Ebert? Well, guess what? It's got three stars. Dax Shepard, Seth Green, and Matt Lillard. And 58 million dollars. And it won the Oscar for surprising as gross. That's amazing. 58 million dollars in the USA alone. We are dumb assholes. We don't deserve them in without a paddle too. And Scott Adzit is in it. Oh, it's a great movie. He's Scott Adzit is in the film credited as greasy man. I love Scott Adzit, but that's that's actually sounds pretty accurate. It actually has a there was a person in the movie who was literally named Morgan Reese Fairhead.

That is not a good name. Listen, how long was this movie? How long did people sit in the theater and nod and chuckle a lot? 95 minutes? That sounds about right. The year was yeah. Listen, weird. It was 2004. We're still trying to get over 9-11. You gotta cut it some slack. Yeah, who answers? I don't know how to tell you this, but the film wasn't very good. And so the critics said mean things about it because that her job their job is to say, Hey, this film wasn't very good. And here's how you know. It had that shepherd in it. Yeah, that. Well, see, I think it breaks down. Everyone individually has been involved with the quality production. You tell me what that shepherd was good in right now and I will eat my own head off my neck. Get ready to say goodbye

to your head because he was amazing in idiocracy. Sorry, Griffin. Fuck. Sorry. I can only reach my left. Seth Green was in Buffy and Matthew Lillard was in the descendant. So what the fuck? I don't know. Like, I don't know. You get them. You get these three together and it's a it's a cinematic Holocaust. Sometimes they do okay. It's a that was actually the tagline of the movie without a paddle, a cinematic Holocaust. It's on the section on IMDb where it says stars. Matthew Lillard, Seth Green, that shepherd. If you mouse over the word stars, there's actually a picture of Tom Hanks farting weird. It's got a weird commentary on that.

So it seemed, I don't know why people didn't like it so much. Were there any responses from? Oh, God, were there some responses from defenders of the film? I can only dream. I mean, there's Hey guys, Seth Green here. I thought it was great because critics can't put bias into it. They look at it like you would look at a short story. If you're analyzing it, they look at things we don't really concern about like cinematography, speech, camera angles, etc. script especially. But I agree. Most good movies get negative to mixed reviews. Hey, no, they don't. Did they say one of the things that critics pick on that they shouldn't is script? They actually said speech. So Matthew Lillard, I have to say your one, your line delivery in the scene where the canoe flipped

and all of Seth Green's weed got wet and he said, oh, my dank herb is ruined. I was not convinced. No stars. I don't mean to be elitist here, but cinematography is basically what makes a movie a movie. So it's a pretty big deal. Because if it wasn't that, it would be a book on tape. And then you'd have to hear Seth Green said, oh, you soaked my ganch. What? What? I have two reviews for you. I'd like to read without a paddle. The first comes to us from John Jay Puccio from Movie Metropolis says, maybe the filmmakers should have called this picture without a laugh. That is from his review of the film. Just below we have another review. I kept looking and hoping for a laugh that never came. John Jay

Puccio without a paddle blu-ray edition. This fucking hero cracks open the blu-ray and thinks, maybe this time, the Yahoo Answers user saw something I didn't. Maybe on the blu-ray, I can see that thread, but no. But he did go back to give it another shot. So don't say that he doesn't know his business, because he most certainly does. So I found a copy of the without a paddle full script transcription on the internet. And I'll be honest, I spent the last minute or so searching for words like toot, just to see if like Matthew Lillard toots as italicized action. Matthew Lillard toots as a bear smogs weed nearby. And the bear says, man, this dank is wet.

Then Danny DeVito appears for a brief uncredited cameo as the bear. I really want to watch this movie right now. Yeah, I know. I pretty much want to, it's good, it has become my new Inspector Gadget tube, my new white whale. I've got to see it and watch it. We need to start having my brother, my brother me viewing parties where we invite a bunch of people like, God damn it. Okay, Rotten Tomatoes, the percentage of positive reviews that it received from critics is 14%. The number of positive reviews it received from the audience that watched it, 73%. We are 99% by which I mean 73%. That is, this is how I would like to point out that I'm sorry, math don't lie. What they've said

there is that that 14% of critics that when like the audience will love this, they were right. Like they called it. Yeah, they, I mean, 14% of critics were, I mean, is that true? I mean, is that accurate? Like 40% of critics or we're somehow more have their finger on the back. They're Hollywood elite. They're, they are New York liberals and they are tearing our country apart and they are raiding our Dachshund movies unfairly and they are a cancer on the organ of this country that is American made cinema. That's just where I'm at. It's all those things I just said. Rich Klein says, looks like another gross out farce, but it's actually a genuinely engaging

comic adventure. Wow. Is it, is it any of those things? And my brother, Dach Shepard was awesome in it. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is from Vince Kohler and entertainment spectrum yet another one of the few critics that really had his finger on the pulse enough to know that America would love this movie. These guys get in way over their heads stuck in the wilderness. The cover, the fucking poster is them standing in the water and the water is over their heads. This dude didn't watch the movie. He just looked at the poster. No, you can tell he watched it because his next sentence is the characters are developed so the audience cares for the guys. The characters laugh when funny things happen and cry when it is sad. Amy B and Collie says,

it's a successfully infantile new spin on deliverance. What the fuck do you laugh at? Like, what do you think is hysterical? I hear the original cut of the script was Matt Lillard and Dax. And can I, is it cool if I just call him Dax because I'm pretty sure everybody knows who I'm talking about when I just say Dax. Yeah, everybody knows Dax. So Matt Lillard, Dax and Seth Green go go river rafting to have secret gay sex with each other. It's called with a paddle was the original title. They changed it because they didn't think loose anal play would would freak some people out. So Americans with your pretension and conventional attitudes towards loose anal play. I bet you that if that shit had included loose anal play,

then guess what? That 17% would have been closer to 82. It would have gotten a certified fresh sticker. Yep. Think about it. Think about that. How about it without a paddle two? But there's already without a paddle two called without a paddle nature's calling that I'm reading about right now. How about it without a without a paddle three, uh, grinning without a paddle three, grin and bear it. And then, but there's this, there's a bear, but also it's talking about sodomy, I guess there's sodomy and also the bear is there. Dax Shepherd's back doing his thing. Oh my God. Oh my God. There are two reviews still reading without a paddle nature's calling. One of them is from John Jay Puccio, a movie about droplets. Back for round three.

You know what is a big spiral into a giant tribe about like the consciousness of America? We are the paddle. It just wants to understand. The paddle is all of us. We are the river of life that flows. And in doing so, we absorb our own Dax Shepherd and each of us are Dax and we are no Dax and we love Dax, but in the end we die with him. Dax is all. Dax is all. When it finally comes out of like the third one comes direct to Game Boy. Watch it. Now I get it. Press B to drop your weed in the river. Oh, when the third prequel comes out. Yeah. That it ties the other two together without a battle with a battle. The third triumvirate. The Legend of Curly's Gold. Without a paddle three. Try not to lose this paddle. Seriously, boys. John's. John's snippet is

clearly the words frivolous and scatterbrained are in play here. When you have been loved to have been there when they were assigning the review for Without a Pad on Nature's Calling. No, guys. Hey, Pooch, you're pretty much an expert on this, right? Please. Yeah, I got this, guys. This is my. The possibility that Poochiano was the only person who saw this movie, but he paid $58 million to do so. He's a little steep, but I gotta find out how these characters are developed, because I already really like them. He's seen it at least twice. By the way, Without a Pad on Nature's Calling, 22% of the audience enjoyed that. So we are growing as a country. This has been our Without a Pad fancast. My brother, my brother, and me.

Thank you again for hanging out with us. If you can take a second this week and you want to, and you say, this show is free. I love it. I wish I could pay for it. Well, what you can do is tell somebody you know to listen. You give them a link to our sampler, bit.ly forward slash it's mabim bam. And you send them to that. It's 14 minutes of YouTube gold. And here's how this pyramid scheme works. You tell them it costs a dollar to listen to, payable directly to you. Right. That's how you make the money. We get the ears, you get the cash. It works out for everybody. Also, you can follow us on Twitter. We're at mbmbam, mbmbam in the common parlance. And if you could also tweet about the show this week, maybe

throw a link to the sampler up and then use the mbmbam hashtag. Like so many people like DJ Pizzazz, Dirty Mustard, Kyle Mac13, Andy Talks a Lot, Dylan Duarte, Not Brandon Crane, Parsip Zella, our old friend, Christopher, an Omnitarian, Captain Novelin, just started. Hopefully he's enjoying the show. And everybody, thank you so much for tweeting about it. And that's because that's the only way we really have to spread the show's influence. So it means a lot. Make sure you go and check out appleandcueecomics.com. And if you would like to either have us awkwardly talk about your business or website, or if you'd like us to awkwardly wish you or someone you love happy birthday or happy anniversary, you can go to

maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron and get a message on either our show or any one of the awesome maximumfund.org shows. I want to thank John Rodger. Can I do that? Yeah, be quick. Thanks to John Rodger getting along winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album putting the days to bed, which is our theme song. Go buy it. I've told you to do it a hundred times, and I'm sure you've done it twice already because you respect my time. And you know what's, you know how valuable it is. Shane, you know what's good for you. You know what's good for you. I'm not going to lie, I am reading the script without a paddle, have been doing it for a while. Still into it, still feeling it. It is incomprehensible. And go discuss without a paddle

on our forums. Don't don't mention this episode. Just start talking about without a paddle and thread in the thread for this show, and it will make people who do not listen to the show completely lose their goddamn parts. Swap stories, swap fanfic. Maybe I want this third movie to get made. I want to see how the epic trilogy comes to an end or maybe just a 3D remake in theaters would be fun. I want to see how this episode comes to an end. Yeah, me too. And it's with a question from the Yahoo Answer Service that everyone's going to read to us to kind of just ease us into the week, something to think about, and we'll come back to you next time. Sure. This final Yahoo answer was sent in by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers user

Android5000 who asks, could Dragon Ball Z be possible in some way? I'm just a snack boy. I'm Travis McFly. Is that a dragon ball? It's real my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dads. We're on the lips. Man, these girls are smart. These stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.