My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 94: The Secrets of Dilbert

Episode Date: March 6, 2012

We know that you'd never be so bold as to ask us to talk about relevant events like college basketball championships -- so we went ahead and fulfilled that request for you. We know, it's like we share a single brain! Now, we're going to make you think about nachos. Suggested talking points: Hoop Bros, Stop Snitchin', Tieboner, Babydoctor, Lock up Your Kids, Coal-Fired Internet, Gallagher v. Gallagher, A Recap of Brett Favre's Career

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? What's up, sports fans? You've tuned in once again to Hoop Bros. It's a slam dunk. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy, and I've got March Madness. It's clinical. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis McElroy, and I'm taking it to the hole. Oh, sorry guys. I think I'm just coming down with a touch of basketball fever.

You have to say your name. Griffin McElroy, I have basketball fever. Griffin McElroy, basketball fever, man. It sounds more like a confession than AA. So, we are the Hoop Bros. It's March Madness, and that means only one thing. This is just way up central. I hear the Blue Devils got a stern talking to by the Tar Heels last night in terms of basketball points. Who is dunking more sweet on which one? Willis went balls to face on Reginald and in dunk mode. Wow. Just full on dunking, right on him. It was a nasty, he jumped from the half court and he stretched his arms and legs out,

and all the monsters grabbed onto his legs, but he still, he stretched his arm all the way. You're jumping into Space Jam again. What is it? We talked about how we're not going to let you on Hoop Bros. anymore if you keep talking about Space Jam. But this wasn't a work of Looney Tunes fiction. This was Looney Tunes fact. Looney Tunes fact. Travis, how in your, let's take it to Travis Corner. This is our weekly segment where Travis gets pretty deep into basketball b-ball strategy. How important is it to get more points in the other team? You know, I've been doing a lot of number crunching, and my statistics look like it's

real important. Travis, now can you tell me what's a good score to have and get? I don't know, like 12? 12, like 13? Now we have like 13 points? I don't mean to, I know that you are our resident math magician, but it seems like there are a lot of numbers higher than that. Yeah, but that's, that's like just an improbability that someone would score higher than 30. Do you know how hard you have to be working to score more than 13 points? Maybe, maybe Will the Stilt Chamberlain could do it, but that's it. Pretty sure he scored a hundo in one game. What? Like a hundred points in one game. And then he immediately died. Yeah. Like his heart exploded. Now Travis,

points in basketball are awarded by judges. How can you really wow them to make sure they're assigning you a lot? It's all about the flair, Justin. It's all about your, your spin and twirl as you do it. You can't just put the ball into the hole. You have to like spin around when you do it. Maybe stick out your tongue, just a little bit of flair to make you stand out. You, if you can, it's, it is the new rule in the NBA is that if you yell your catchphrase mid-dunk, you get bonus points for that. Or maybe sound like you just yell like dunking donuts or something like draining them. Yeah, you draining them. Drain it. People like that. People like draining them. That's uh, that's Coby's. Yeah. Coby says, does Coby say draining them or is he

like, he doesn't have to now because then it's, it's become so much a part of his repertoire that people say like everybody else yells it. Yeah. The other four guys on the team just sing it out like a chorus. It's beautiful. It's haunting. It's actually really touching. It's actually pretty lovely. That, that sounds actually really nice. But to be fair, sorry guys, that's the buzzer. That does it for the hoop bros for this week. Uh, don't want to get a technical foul. I pass the show over to my brother, my brother and me. We'll see you next week. That was a good bit. That was a real solid goof. We just did for a long time. I'm committing, I'm committing us actually to doing it every week in March. Are you going to do hoop bros from now on? Hoop

bros from now on every week in March is hoop bros week. Um, this is my brother, my brother and me actually. It's not really, well, the other show was a sports show that we do. This is the other side of the coin. It's a flip side of that coin. Uh, it's my brother, my brother made an advice show for the modern era. We've already introduced ourselves. So I feel like we should get right into the advice. I feel like it's like a bizarre world and hoop bros is the polar exact opposite of what our show really is. Except for the fact that all pretty much all the insight it espouses is useless. Yeah. Except for that. Uh, separate is complete. Just sort of useless. Somewhere in an alternate universe, there, there is three macro brothers that

like are just so on point with sports. They just don't have a podcast on, you know, inside our podcast. It's uncouped. Um, hey, about two months ago, I moved into a new apartment. Great spot. Love it. But a few weeks ago, someone moved into the apartment above me. He's loud and obnoxious, stomps around whenever he walks. And on an almost daily basis has loud drunk and conversations with his friends really late at night, often until two or three in the morning. I have to live here for the rest of the year and he'll be here for at least as long. What is the etiquette in this situation? Should I march up there and tell him to keep it down? Should I leave a note in his mailbox? Or should I just leave it alone and get used to it?

Can't sleep in San Francisco. Um, you gotta, do you know that there is a body, an agency that will just take care of this for you? Really? What are you calling Griffin? I call him the police. Griffin? Stop snitching. We talked about this. Snitches get stitches, Griffin. There are a number of horrible crimes that you can do in this world and snitching is high up on them. But keeping me up at two in the morning after I just drank a bottle of red wine because I watched a really sad episode of The Bachelor. Guess what? That's the highest crime in the land. But here's the thing. Here's the problem with this and people have dealt with this for, for ages, for eons. And that is once you call the police,

now you're that dude, like, and you have to keep living in that same apartment. Do you think that the police, when the police roll up and they're like, Hey, Roger down in 403 just called us up? No, they say like you got complaints from your neighbors, but like, but they don't have to know which, it's the guy below them. They don't have to know which neighbors you have with them. You have plausible deniability. What if it's the guy above them? You don't know it's the guy below them. Could be anybody, could be the guy adjacent. Why would you assume people below you are calling the cops? I rarely even think about people below me. Yeah. That's even existing in the world. I live in a duplex. So if I get called up, the fucking jig is up. He's like, fucking Roger,

you bitch. I'll walk next door and be like, Hey, Carl, what gives? Is this you or Rosario? Who, who fucked me? Thought we were going to stop stitching. Thought we had agreed upon that, but I guess that's not our policy now. Whatever you do, do not leave him a note in the mailbox. It gives me chills. That gives me chills. Don't do that ever. Taste a note to their car. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry to have a good day, smile. I'm just, oh, three o'clock's pretty late to be chatting with your bros, I think. If you could just keep it down. We used to get notes from the woman who lived in an apartment building sitting I used to live in. And she would, she was also an insane person who was living in the building at a discounted rate because she would take care of odd jobs,

sort of like a, a dumb superintendent, a less than super, super, if you will. And, and I remember in one of her classic notes, she left it taped to our door in the sort of insane person's scroll with like backwards R's and whatnot. It just said, I will take your Christmas tree for you. This is, this was in January. I will take your Christmas tree away for you. What, what do you want? There was no instruction on how the handoff would happen if she was just going to break in the back door. What should you do? I'm building a Christmas tree friend and I need yours. I'm so hungry for trees. I'm making pond soup. Please give me your trees. Was she affronted by the fact that it was after Christmas and that you, you still had your tree

up? Is that what the situation was? There's no way she could have seen. I mean, I guess it was in the window. So maybe she did see. But it was like January four. I mean, it was nothing. Yeah. Guys, it's, it is, what is it now? March three? Take them down. And there are, like my neighbors still have Christmas lights up, like on their house. Now, do you think that's confusing because it's like Austin and there is no change of seasons? So they're just like waiting for Easter, then we're waiting for the next big holiday, I guess. I think it might be more that it's Austin. And so people are kind of zany and like, yeah, this is my only source. It's trying to keep Austin weird. It's my only source of lighting now. Guys, I, I love anti-mame as much as the next dude you got.

And I love, I love free spirits. You're taking, every time you use up Christmas magic in February or March, that's Christmas magic that we will not have come December. It's not a renewable resource. No, it's not. The government has some reserves, but we can't have them tap into it any year without a Christmas. This is why I'm such a strong, I'm such a strong proponent of drilling in Alaska for more Christmas juice. Yeah. Yeah. Me too. And they're like, it's gonna harm the wildlife. And I'm like, fuck the wildlife. I need my agnostic. Yeah. Ironically, it will kill many, many reindeer to do so. Highly toxic to them. Yeah. But, but I think, I think it's worth it. Did you guys see, I think it was last month, there was a big Christmas spill in the ocean. Oh my God. Yeah.

And there were just like, there were just birds washed up on the shore, just covered in tensile. Was it, was it a Hallmark rig? Yeah. Yeah. So sad. The SS Hallmark. They're so wildly irresponsible with their Christmas sauce. The boats are so old. That's the problem. They've been using them since, I don't know, since deadly moor found Santa again. I forget when that was. It was a long time ago, though. Guys, how about a Yahoo answer? Yes, please. That was creepy. This one was sent in by Graham Wetterburn. Thank you, Graham. It's by Yahoo, named Graham. Yeah, it's by Yahoo Answers user Raj, who asks, why does Dilbert's tie curve up? Scott Adams said in an interview with GroundReport.com, no one really knows, including me.

Dilbert started as a doodle before I knew he would be famous. I don't remember what I was thinking the day I decided to curl his tie up. Wicky Answers search tells me, A, it's a metaphor for his inability to control his environment. B, he's just glad to see you. But IMO, a mini hurricane surrounds him and keeps flapping his tie, smile face. To all Dilbert fans, what do you think? Oh, God. Who thinks about Dilbert this much? Apparently, not even Scott Adams can be troubled to figure out why his dumb tie is standing up. Too busy hating women. Yeah. When you ask the sexist creator of Dilbert, like, hey, what's the deal with the tie? He's like, fuck, I don't know. Stop pursuing that line of

questioning. Yeah. Why is his tie sticking up? Because she didn't cook it long enough. In the kitchen. I was Scott Adams. Oh, shit. Why is his tie sticking up? Why are you not having kids? Yeah, my face. Scott Adams. Hold on. I really think this Scott Adams character is going somewhere. Why don't you workshop it and come back? Justin's going to go workshop his Scott Adams character. Travis and I are going to goof on the original cue, but Justin's going to go off. I will just workshop his Scott Adams. You guys go forward and I will dip back in a little bit with the worst Scott Adams. Let me give you a set up. It's Scott Adams in a pet shop that's run by a woman. Good, good, good. Okay. This is, I also like the person who ever said number two,

he's just happy to see you. Dilbert's just got himself a tie bone there. Nothing weird. That happens all the time. He's got a tie reaction. I think it's suggesting that Dilbert is so bound to his job that his tie has literally become a part of his body. And when blood flow increases to the tie, it forms a fully erect phallus. And he has a really curvy wiener. Yeah. Well, that's like a hook, like a fish hook wiener. It's just a half chub. If it was a full chub, his tie would be sticking straight out from his neck. Why are these, why are these poodles so expensive? Must be your time of the month. Well, there he is. Hey, Scott Adams, ladies and gentlemen. Closing. What's next? What's our next scenario? Scott Adams is an astronaut going to the moon with a female

astronaut. Okay, I'll check you out. This is the kind of question, right, that somebody doesn't just ask. Well, they did ask it. No, but I'm saying this isn't like, oh, it just popped in my head. What's up with Dilbert's tie? They stare at Dilbert every Sunday. Here's a few excerpts from my thesis, my master's thesis. What's the deal with Dilbert? I mean, there are a couple of answers from people who say Adams has also hinted that the tie may just be displaying an aversion to him. We may never truly know why Dilbert's tie does what it does. Dilbert's tie doesn't do shit. It's not a real thing. A dude draws it and he doesn't know why he does it that way. Like, there's no deeper truth. I just heard Justin inhale sharply, which makes me think he's ready to give

us his, Scott Adams goes to the moon goo. Why are you even coming, Angela? The moon's made of green cheese, not malls. Yeah. I feel like your first opus was a little stronger. He's also starting to mutate a little bit into the wolf man. Can I have one more? Oh, God. I need to redeem myself. Scott Adams is getting married. Okay, got it. The author answers your question mark, responded to me, I think that Dilbert's tie curves up to give him some individuality. He works in one of those office setting where he is really just another number in paycheck. Nobody's special. You can replace it any time nobody would notice. I think the curve is time makes him stand out, even though nobody really comments on it. Hey, I think you're projecting

a little bit, bro. Yeah, maybe just a touch. And maybe Dilbert's there on insulin accounting just doesn't want to talk to him, even though he's a super nice guy and he offered to make her dinner and that's why his tie curves up. It's hard, man. He just gets repressed by his triangular boss. And his dog talks, which is pretty cool. His dog talks and his cat is like an evil scientist. I haven't read it in a while. Yeah, it's been a while, but there's an intern or something and they're real. Do you remember we used to have that Dilbert screensaver and Yeah, the Dilbert, Dilbert desktop games. Man, when I was nine, I was a jam. Yeah, we played some real dumb shit. Hey, Justin, you got that goof ready for us?

For all that you are and all that you will be and all that we will be together. I do. Want you to get in the kitchen and make me some hamburger helper? Shit. Oh, is this is this the first libel we've ever done? No, it's not. It's definitely libel, but Scott Adams is listening to this right now thinking, how did I get on that podcast? It's probable. I don't remember doing this. Must have been another misogyny bender. Another another lost weekend. Another weekend lost to hating women and myself and loving and loving television and loving making subbar comics. I'm going to cut out that last bit. That's Jimmy and Justin. Okay, what? Dilbert is down some part.

Thanks. Thanks for thanks, Griffin. You complete me. Hey, I have a problem with people taking me seriously and it has a lot to do with how I look, but I have a baby face. Baby face. I can't not say baby face like the way we sound. I have a baby face. I typically get carded for R rated movies and at the hospital I work at. Clients always call me kiddo. Oh, no, buddy or something like that. Sport. The tiger. They also tend to question my almost said existence. That's not what he said. They extend the question, but they're not that old. They tend to question my experience, even though I have been at my job for eight years. I've tried growing a beard, but it comes in very

patchy. Any suggestions? That's from Darling Doctor. Well, I know the the obvious answer. What's that Travis? You need a sweet ass scar across one eye. Yeah, cut yourself on the side. You don't need a wicked like I know something like I got this in like the jungles of the Congo kind of scar. Something brutal. Yeah, so you can go with that and you're a doctor so you got a steady hand. Go to town. You can also with some baby powder in the hair and a stipple brush make a pretty convincing aging makeup. You look at take a Benjamin Button for example. He was not really an old man. What? Yeah, I know. So if you can get some of that, some of that whatever they were doing, I do not understand it, but whatever they were doing there, there's a way to make yourself

look older. So it sounds like you're saying the answer as to many problems. The answer is movie magic. Just movie magic. Just stipple it a little bit. Do you stipple, Darling Doctor? Do you stipple? Have you tried stippling? Did you even consider trying stippling? Maybe like different grades of stipple brush? Hey, here's a free, here's a freebie by the way, guys. Don't pay $3 for a stipple brush. Get an air conditioning filter and cut it into cubes. Yeah, silly bitch. God damn it. All your money on stipple brushes down the drain. I see people fucking just going bankrupt buying stipple brushes and foam wedges. And they're just standing by the side of the road. And yeah, their fake beard looks great, but there's signs like I stipple

myself out of a job. You don't need to go buy a box of foam wedges. Just buy a temporary mattress and cut it up and then use them. You can get like a 10,000 wedges out of one mattress. Lifetime supply. Lifetime of it, basically. So aging makeup, movie magic, there's two. Scar, that's three. Man, I feel like we're being super helpful today. Well, you could just start using words like 23 skidoo and calling other people kiddo. Maybe walk with a cane. Wait a minute. A cane is good. I like that. But they might think you have school. You could go house. No, you could go full on house. Yeah. No one calls doctor house kiddo? No, they don't. They're too afraid of his mean ways. You're going to have to go full on house.

You got to go just like house did it. I bet that's like doctors are just like sick of that comparison. Like people like rolling up to the hospital and be like, so which one of you guys is like the house of the department? And so I got it. No one's house. It's not a real thing. It's not a real thing. If you did that for like a day, you get fired forever because the one thing he just takes pills all the time. If there's one thing hospitals love more than a guy who cracks them all, it's a guy who doesn't get sued to do oblivion every other week. Can you put can you put phone books on your feet? I'll walk around. Okay, well, then they call you old elephant foot. They might look kind of ridiculous. Can you get a long

trench coat and sit on a short person's shoulder? Can you get another young looking doctor and you guys team up? Oh my God, because then you would be tall as two short doctors, but you would also have the brain of two doctors. You would be the smart, you'd be whispering up to you like, check his blood and bones. Oh, and you can say like, I need to consult a surgeon and you just like duck your head inside your jacket. And you put your head back up and you say, don't worry, my dick is a surgeon. Or so I've been told. And now he's ready to operate is the rest of that. Yeah, that's the the the cherry on top of that fucking yucky Sunday. It sounds like you're setting up like you need to start doing some experiments with like chemicals and stuff and you're going to

get yourself into a big situation. And you're like, I want to be big. Is that how big happened? No, these are chemical based. Okay, but I'm taking I'm taking the non it was nuclear nuclear radiation. Zartan. Yeah, Zartan is a real. You're talking about a real life. Chemicals are real. That's where that's good. Chemicals are real. You just and maybe it's a movie starting Timothy daily. I can see him in it. Okay. And he mixes up the chemicals and it makes him look older. See, I see this as a book that Travis has written and it's called chemicals are real science by Travis McElroy. It's almost as good as his book about basketball. All you want to know about science, but we're too afraid to ask because it's fucking stupid. I feel like I'm giving you some really

yeah, I mean, I feel like you've got enough. I don't know why you're still bothering us because I feel like we gave you some action items, some take homes. You guys want another, you know, another Yahoo. Yeah, give me somebody else to help. I already helped that guy. Yeah. This one was sent in by Eric Leiden. Thank you, Eric. It's by Yahoo. Answers user Sarah Sparks, who asks, why did most of my friends turn into whores when we got into middle school? Oh, no. Oh, golly. That's it. That's the whole question. Oh, no. I know. Listen, really? When you, when you hit 11, it is just you just go full bore now. You don't have a choice in the matter. You just go full bore. Is it 11? Yeah. 11's the new 17.

That is thing. 11's the new 15. Like, like just like 15 year olds in our age, 11 year olds just ramp it, ramp it up. They ramp it off of a cliff into, into sex sexually irresponsible canyon. This, see, this is one area where I agree with Rick Santorum. Let's lock our preteen girls in cages. Yeah. Well, let's, all right, your own, not other people's. No, no, don't come into my house and lock my family in cages. That's my daughter and I will lock her in a cage to preserve her. Kids grow up too fast, but you can stunt that if you have them in a cage in which they have to remain shaped. Because if you put them in like a round cage, they're going to grow round. It's really awesome. That's Travis. It's not like foot binding. What are you talking about? No, it is.

You know, like you grow like a cucumber in a bottle and you get a bottle. Yeah, you put a kitten in a mason jar. Uh-huh. Yeah, I feel you. That's stupid, but I feel you. What you got to do is you got a blackout, you got a sopa, they're like Wikipedia, because that's how you, that's how you learn like what a boner is now. Do we have kids learning about it? When you're, when you're nine and you get your first boner, you're the boner, the fairy visits you. You know what you do? You hop on Wikipedia and you look up a Wikipedia entry that somebody else wrote. Whoa, whoa, whoa. People are getting boners at nine? How are you this ignorant about this topic? You're saying nine? Yeah.

According to Wikipedia, boner is a slang term for an erection of the penis or a Zamboni ice resurfacing vehicle operator. What is going on around there? Or a jazz trombonist. Yes, that's one of them. Or a blunder, which is really funny and I wish we said that more often. I'm saying if you don't lock your daughter up before she learns all this stuff, then you've made a terrible boner. Yes. She'll start dating a boner or worse, a boner. And, and you'll, you'll, you'll live to regret it. Get it? Lock them in a cage. Before they make a boner boner. Yeah. And then in 18, you release them into the world. Just completely uneducated and then they're just so happy and blissfully ignorant. Yeah,

they don't need to know about all this stuff that we know about. God, do you think? I wish I could go back to the day before I knew how everything worked down there. Yeah. Yeah. It was, there was a lot more mystery and a lot more. I just thought it was movie magic. Like me, myself and Irene. Here's a little factoid for you guys. Did you know, is this a boner factoid? It is. Did you know that there was an American comic strip about a guy in an ark full of animals written by Mort Walker, creator of Beetle Bailey. And the name of that strip was Boner's Ark. It stopped running in 2000. I can't imagine why. What could have undone this hilarious? Ironically, that is why Dilbert's tie curves because of his Boner's Ark.

God, stupid dumb show. Can we just say that boners are a high schoolers game? That's when you should start meddling. In middle school, you should be more worried about being absolutely and completely ostracized. Can we also agree that by the end of college, you should have had all the boners you're ever going to have? You're done. You've punched your boner card. You get one more free boner, but then that's it. And that's for your wedding night. It's like that Eddie Murphy movie, A Thousand Words, where he only has that many till he dies. It's like that movie Brewster's Millions. He has a million boners, and if he doesn't have them all in one day, then he'll never have another boner again.

Also, the boners belong to an old man before him. He's borrowing them. He bequeathed his boners. It's like that movie on borrowed boners. It's a good thing they didn't cast a feeler in that flick, or it would have been a short film, you know what I mean? Because that's something you could say to make people think you're older. Also, I've used all my boners up. Should work pretty well too. My natural boners. My God-given boners. Natural boners. Do you have any pills for that? I don't want to have another one or all die. This is basically what I'm saying to you. I only have so much blood, and I need to use it in my essentials.

Hey, how do I handle the immediate derision I get? The, well, F.U. snob decision, derision I get when people find out I don't own a TV. Hey, I love TV. I watch TV on my laptop, which all of it means I see new episodes before they air on real TV, so I'm beating them at TV. I shamelessly invite myself over to friends' houses to watch things, and I will never, ever give up my love for admittedly crappy TV medical dramas. Is it possible, is it permissible to yell, F.U., I'mma go watch house- There's so much swearing. There's so much swearing. F.U., I'mma go watch house now at these people and storm off. Is there any way to defend myself as a normal member of society

who loves pulp culture and just happens to consume it over Wi-Fi rather than cable? And that is from, I kid you not, the future Mrs. Gregory House. You are riding on the vanguard of the new television movement. All those other people, they're the old guard. You don't have to worry about them anymore, because they're going to die soon, like the dinosaurs. You are in the fast lane of the information super highway, and they're over in the far right lane with their blinker on for like three miles. What are you, why are you even worried about the judgment of these dinosaurs? They're extinct. They're turning into coal and diamonds all around you, which will then go to

power your internet, your coal-powered internet, coal-fired internet. The way grandpa used to make it. I do not like people who don't have TVs. They'll stick with me. No, I don't have anything. I do want to say that everybody should have a TV. I have like four, so if you want one, I'll just give you one of mine, but you do need a TV. How else can you get emergency broadcast messages? I have three TVs in my living room right now. Jesus Christ. One for cable. One's hooked up to my in my video game system and one's just sitting under a table. It's just there in case one of the other ones stops working. I haven't had cable in a long, long, long time, but I have a TV. Is that weird? No, because you need it for a video game. I need it

for a video game. So you're just saying it's less to you about it being a facilitator for TV watching. You just want people to have a TV. Yeah, yeah. I trust someone more if they have a TV. Why do you think you're so cool? TVs are cheap and they're great. Just get one. I know that we're going completely against this person. I disagree, but I kind of feel the same way. Like when someone tells me like, oh, I don't own a TV. I said, they go, why not? You like just get one. But I can do all the things I do on my TV on my on my computers. No, but you can't. Here's one thing that I'm going to hit you with. Okay. No one's ever said like, let's have a communal experience. It's Christmas Eve. Let's all watch. It's a wonderful life. Please gather around my 13 inch MacBook air screen.

No, it's going to be very cozy. Flip side of that. Nobody's ever said, I don't want to watch the latest episode in The Bachelor. Let's pick up my TV and put it in the bed with us. And we'll just lie. That's why you have both. Yeah, right. Nobody's like, Hey, I'm throwing a big party at my house. We're all going to watch the Oscars on my computer. You are setting yourself up to be a lonely heart. Yeah, you can't have someone over to watch House with you. I want you to live a life that is full of love and companionship and you can't do that when you're squinting at your MacBook. Here's what you need. You need to get yourself that s video cable and just like connect your laptop to a TV, but they don't have a TV that they need to get the TV to. So you need to get the s video

cable. I am a TV. This is the most streamlined advice you've ever given anyone. Just buy it. Just go buy a TV. If you buy a TV, you know, you get one. Just if you have one, then you are, you know what? Just tell people you have one. Yeah. So I'm just spot checking the neighborhood. Right. TV's. Yeah, I love them. I can't get enough. Because if you can't say that to people, then you really are. You don't have a TV because of because you like how that sounds. You don't want to be that guy. Yeah. Oh, that guy can fuck clean off. I don't care about him. If you don't have that guy, it sounds like you're not that guy. And I'm proud of you for not being that guy. Yeah. Now, it doesn't sound like you're that guy, but don't be that guy. Do you think

that there was those guys like 50, 60 years ago who were like, Oh, I don't even own a radio. Yeah. I see those. I see those wavy lines going through the air. And I'm like, no, thanks. Keep on going. What is that? Keep your little orphan, Annie. I don't need it. Oh, that's the Gutenberg press. No, thanks. Handwritten for me. Yeah, I'll just let me get, I got a lot of illuminating to do. I'll catch you guys next week. Hey, you know what I do when I need a new TV? What's that? I talk about soap. Let's go to Money Zone. First trip to the Money Zone is being paid for by Sean Andrich, who's wishing Karla Andrich a very, very happy birthday technically on Sunday, but we're celebrating it

today. Observed. It's like a birthday time warp, because when you listen to this, it will be Monday, but we are recording this on your birthday. So it's Ernest. It's Ernest's birthday wishes, and I think you'll be able to feel that. She's happy birthday. She's a dedicated MB&B AM listener and all-around awesome lady who's working on her second novel, loves their two awful cats and is a quote, I don't want to say this, but I'll say it, and she is a total tiger in the sack. All right. Okay. So now the internet knows that. No, I know that more importantly. The internet can go fuck itself with a pile on. I don't care about the internet, but I care about me having to hear those words. Hey, I just want to wish her

happy birthday until the world she rocks my socks. I know Griffin won't do songs for non-corporate entities, but maybe Justin will. Okay. Will Justin? Carla's so beautiful to Sean. That's great. Can't you see? Yeah, something about being a tiger in the sack. She's a tiger in the sack. And now that's something Justin has to know. That's great. You are so beautiful to Sean. We really got to find a way to get you on Fox on all the all the songs we do from now on. You've got a beautiful set of pipes. Yeah, that was amazing. Thank you. Thank you very much. And also, we of course want to take a moment to love our friends at Stack Soap. Stack Soap is, do you ever have those stupid slivers? As I call them, trademark where you use the bar soap and

it's down to a dumb little sliver. You have to throw away or slip on and die. Well, not anymore. Stack Soap is a soap that has a special divot in it that lets you slide the stupid sliver right into it. And so you never end up having to waste it. If you pledge $10, you're going to get six bars of Stack Soap. And those kids, you only have nine days to get in on that deal. And if you go now, you could possibly be the 1,000th donor. Can you believe that? It's amazing. Like, you guys are incredible. Yeah, you guys are really actually crazy for soap. But I'm super happy that they have- Why you guys love soap so much? It's dirty. But go to stacksoap.com, bid on some soap, get in on the ground floor of soap. Now, part of our ongoing

engagement with Stack Soap is that Griffin has been working on a jingle for them. Griffin, how is that coming? Bad. People have been asking about it. I'm on the west coast, west coast, left coast this week. People have said, you know, John Drake, who works at a music video game company. Can't say which one. But- Can't say which one. The only one that hasn't shut down. Yeah, he works at Harmonyst said, I can't wait. We're all losing our minds over here at video games. Everyone at video games can't wait for Griffin to drop this hit. And he knows, and he knows everybody. He knows Feist. He knows Ravi Shankar. He knows all the music bits. So this is kind of your shot at the big time. And I think everyone's, I think we've only got one more week.

With our friends at Stack Soap. So like, you really got to drop it on us. Oh, it's not ready. Okay, okay. Next, but next week- Next week it'll definitely, definitely be ready. But this week I've been thinking more about like, I got the chorus down, right? Like I got the Put your soap in my soap. Right? Yeah, I got that part. But like the verses need something like, I've been trying to think of soap goofs. It's hard to do, isn't it? So like- Pop a bubble. I don't want to pop your bubble. It ain't no lie. And the lie would be L-Y-E. Because it's not in there. There's no lie in the product. There's no lie in it? As far as I know, no. No, there's like glycerin or something.

I could just do a cover of glycerin. God damn it. So, don't let your skin get dry. Don't let your skin get dry. Don't let your grandpa die. By slipping on a silver soap. There it is. That's who you're getting really close. I want- Here's the thing. When you finally drop that, I want full production. I want layered vocals. I want guitar effects. I'd like a drum track. If I could. Can you do the wall-wall thing? I love the wall-wall thing. You want me to fully garage band this shit. I just want you to garage band it. Yeah. I think everybody's ready. But anyway, that's stacksoap.com.

Don't let your grandpa die. Don't let your grandpa die. And don't let your grandpa die before he hears one of the fine programs on the Maximum Fun Network. What are we sure about to hear about right now? Hello there. My name's Graham Clark. And I'm Dave Schumka. And together we host a podcast called Stop Podcasting Yourself. This is a file that you download from the internet and then you listen to it in your pod. What's that about you ask? Well, who are you to ask? Who do you think you are? Yeah, get lost, bozo. We're a couple of stand-up comedians in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. And every week we bring a guest on the show. Sometimes they're Canadian,

sometimes they're not, sometimes they're a ghost. It's like you're sitting in on a friendly afternoon chat. Plus we're Canadian, so you get a tax break. You can find us on iTunes or online at maximumfun.org. One of my roommates has a tendency to be up super late talking to a boyfriend on Skape. It occurred to me, no, I'm sorry, that is Skype. It occurred to me recently that our router is in my room and I'm the only one in the house who is at all cognizant of the vagaries of home networking. Would I be like the biggest dick if I logged in and cut off her internet access for the night? Or is this totally justified at 3.30 in the goddamn morning when I just know that that bitch is going to give me a migraine? The ladies are fired up this week, right? They are fired up.

That's from vivaciously Viliurint for Virtual Visions in the Victoria. I love it. How do you know this is a lady? Vivaciously, I think. Tip me off. You know what? If someone woke me up three o'clock in the goddamn morning talking on Skype, I would melt the router down to its essential components. But you forget about logging her off. I'm going to log off the internet forever. No way. That don't, that don't, that don't don't hunt. Not my home. Sleep. You could talk to her about it. Say, hey, I'm trying to sleep. Could you please, you don't have to ruin this expensive piece of internet technology. It's pretty boring, though. Well, additional details that were edited out for time is that she has talked to her and that sometimes she goes and bangs on her roommate's

door. Well, those are, but she points out that sometimes it's late at night and you're real comfy in your bed and you don't want to get up. Just reach over, switch off the router. Those were salient details, Travis. And I appreciate it if you wouldn't send to them out anymore. Sopa. When, when I don't edit these out, I get bitched out because the question's like three paragraphs long. Yeah, well, yeah, but then you read them later. Like what part of editing for time are you, are you unclear about? No, but they say I'm later. They got to hear it in my dulcet tones instead of yours. Right. You reworked the verbiage. It breaks it up orally. Um, okay. Well, then if you've already talked to her about it, then yeah, I guess violence is the only answer. Is that, is that more

entertaining? Shut it down. Shut it down. Go full Gallagher. Wait, what? What? Full Gallagher fucking. You're seeing flageomatic. No, I think he's saying get up and leave. No, what? Like you would at a Gallagher show. No, I'm saying I hate these things. All the kids downloading all their pornography and, and Googles. Well, I've got a Google here dot.com. Smash it. Is this, was that Scott Adams pretending to be Gallagher or what was going on? Oh, that's Gallagher. How can you not tell that's Gallagher? It's clearly Gallagher. Do you want to hear my other Gallagher impression? Yeah, please. Is this Gallagher too? Oh, crocky. Wonderful. Oh, Justin. I'm not gonna do your Peter Gallagher impression. Oh, Jesus, fuck. Why are you sleeping? I smashed

you with a hammer. That works on two levels. Seth, Ryan, hammer. We've been going on. Oh, this is the theme song to OC. He was on the OC. Sorry? Peter Gallagher. What about him? He played California dad on the OC. Well, he was surf lawyer. Yeah, surf dad. Turn it off. I turned it off and in the morning to say like, I guess we had a ping in the middle of the night. Guess he has a latency. I guess he used up all the internet. Sounds like a hack attack to me. Anonymous came in and just stole our router. Soaped. I guess you got soaped. It happens. It happens. Maybe get politically active and stop the soaping. WikiLeaks. You got WikiLeaks. This Yahoo answer was sent in by question mark. Thank you question mark. It's

by Yahoo answers user Tom who asks, does anybody else abstain from masturbation sexual intercourse before a job interview? And if not, how come? I apply the same logic to job interviews as some sports teams do to important matches and it has become a ritual of mine. Does anyone else abstain from masturbation sexual intercourse before a job interview? And if not, how come? I need to take these things one at a time. First off, are people really doing that during sports? Yeah. That's a huge thing for like boxers and football athletes is that you don't mess around before a fight before a big game. Is that like a full blown barbarian thing and like it makes them hungry? Yeah, it's like you're like harnessing like your your your primal energies. Oh, yeah,

right? It is gross. That's disgusting. They also eat a bunch of fettuccine. That's just a carb up. That's just a carb alone. Coach comes in to the locker room says, sorry. Hey, everyone quit jerking. Instead, let's go to the Olive Garden. Yeah, that's good. Let's get some free breadsticks. I'm going to substitute your jerking with some good good pasta figholi. I don't think it I don't think it I don't think I would ever call any pasta IV nor gas. I'm saying that's not a very fair trade. But that is a risk. What if the breadsticks are too delicious? No. Mm hmm. Okay, right. You know, you take a bite and you said this is Splendor, and there's infinite of it. Whoops. Oops. What happened? Or I need a book to explain this to me.

I'll open up chemicals are real by Travis McRoy and figure out this situation. Oh, I just thought that was to kill the kill the sexual arousal. It's like you either think about baseball numbers or read. Is this a real fuck? I wish I played sports. So I knew if this is a real thing of coaches like I want you guys horny as hell. No, I don't think a coach can like legally say that when I when you are out there on that great iron. I want you grabbing at those guys. I just want you so desperate for any sort of touch. I want you hungry for any sort of companionship or connection. What you hungry for basketball points and some touch. I want you to crave human contact to some kind of affection in this cold cold world. Here's the deal I'm going to make with

you guys. First guy running in the end zone can jerk off right there. No problem. That was the original. No point. Say you jerk. No jerk until you point. I didn't do a field goal. You can do like above like through the clothes rub down. That's it. Well, that's why fucking that's why Brett Favre sent that sent all those ladies pictures of his member is because he was so sexually repressed for how long did he play football. I think like 53 years. He wasn't able to jerk it for 53 years then as soon as he got out of the game for the sixth time. That's why he kept quitting. He would quit football. I'm done for real this time. Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk. Okay guys, he's back for more football. And then when he was finally done so for real, he was like,

gotta send a picture of my Duke to everyone. And he just immediately lost like 20 pounds. Yeah. He meant to send it. He meant to send it. He meant to send the picture of as we entered to his team as if to say, look how good I'm going to be at football. This is how right I am for football this time. Oh Jesus. This has been a real sports heavy. So I think I love that this the gentleman who has asked this question feels the need to say like, does anyone not do this? If so, why not? Yeah, because they're not fucking crazy. There's a billion reasons why not. Well, let's let's let's get back to the original query, which was not sports related, but for a job at a review. I really want this job so bad. That's that that's what you need, especially if you have

a job interview with a with a member of the opposite sex or the same sex, if that's your if that's your bag that you find devastatingly attractive. That's what you need is the distraction of your your sexual organs telling you it's time to procreate. Yeah, that's gonna help Gilbert. Yeah, and his interview with triangle boss and he was like, I want to have that. Well, he's actually always interviewing for a job to leave the crappy job he's at. So he so he always has a tie boner. I've I've interviewed for a lot of jobs and I've interviewed a lot of people for jobs. No job interview is that important. No, not not no job interviews putting your sexual tiger in a cage. What skills are you trying to like improve upon?

Like if I don't jerk it before this, I'll be better with eye contact. Like, what, what are you bringing to this job interview? Employers can besides your boner. Employers can sense willpower. So I think that's right more what it's like instead of prolonging the boner magic. I think it's more about more about Oh, so you you didn't jerk it today. I like the cut of your chin. I'm impressed. Yeah. So like, you're envisioning a scenario where like, the dude has left the interview and the boss was like, well, he's got a solid resume, but I just got the impression that he jerked it before he came here. So where's the dedication? Oh, you can you not tell? I can tell everyone. I thought everyone can tell. Well, I mean,

I guess if I had like 30 years experience in a job industry, you know, like in a field, and I was interviewing someone, I probably be like, Oh, that's a young man who jerked it today. We don't need him here at Sears real buck. I though I that's where people get jobs, right? Though I don't, I don't subscribe to this. I have heard of needing to pee like drinking a lot and then needing to pee when you go into a job interview or perhaps a theater audition, you use that energy and biologically speaking, that's basically the same thing. Yeah. Well, that's an old actor trick. You got pee, you use it several problems. I have with the things you just said. Okay. You're saying the name one. Well, for one, you're saying that making pee

and the beautiful magic of the human orgasm is the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like sneezing, sneezing, having to pee orgasm, they're all basically the same thing. It's your body getting evil out of you. Yeah. What is it? That's why I do it in the dark by yourself when you cry. That's what I believe, Griffin, and I have a right to believe that. Second problem, if you're in a job interview and you use that energy and you piss your pants in front of another man or woman, you don't get that job. I'm sorry, you don't get that job. Unless you pee your pants. There's no way a sentence that starts with unless you know you can totally use it. You look at the boss and say, I am so committed

to this business that I will literally pee my pants right now if that's what will get me the job and then you do it before he can answer. I will pee my pants for this auto zone. You pee your pants and you say, if peeing pants is cool, I'm Miles Davis and then say get it, like in Billy Madison, and then just stare at him until you have a. Now, that only works if you're interviewing for like Adam Sandler. Yeah, if you're interviewing for Adam Sandler, he's really going to appreciate that deep. The real problem is if you hold in pee and you don't jerk it and then you pee in front of your boss and you get a pee boner. Oh no. That was the grossest sentence I've ever said out loud. Yeah, I want to not do this show anymore. Can we work that out?

I'm going to throw out one thing though that worries me more than this young man's philosophy on how to prepare for a job interview. I believe that in this world, there's always a balance and for like every vegetarian, you know, there's someone who just eats meat and stuff like that. There is someone out there who's like, oh no, before an interview, I just jerk it until I'm like fall down exhausted. Right. Like I just nonstop jerk it for like three days getting ready for any job interview or sporting event or anything. Bill, you just know like I can't stand. I like I like my hand and my genitals to look like I just dropped an iron on them, like just reddened and scalding and peeling away. Bill, you look pretty weary. Are you sure you're ready for

this? This big game and or job interview? I've never been ready here, sir. Sir. I'm kind of that young man's job. It looks like he just furiously masturbated for 72 hours. He's committed to this auto zone. Tantric. So that's our that's our dumb show about pee boners, I guess, is what girlfriend has made it about now. That's the only thing anybody's going to talk about. Thank you so much for tuning in. We're here every Monday morning, morning, afternoon, you know, Mondays. Yeah. Usually. You can find us at mbmbam.com at mbmbam on Twitter. We're on Facebook to search for my brother and my brother and me. Speaking of Twitter, keep an eye on like Jesse's Twitter account and our Twitter account. And I'm sure everybody who's associated with Max

Fun. We got a new Max Fun show coming up, I believe this week. We're really excited about it. You're going to love it. So just kind of keep your eyes glued to the Twitter. Yeah, keep it keep it locked. And thanks to everyone who is tweeting about the show. Uh, Kaley Buckler, um, nanoboy, Strackfilms, Seth Macy, Johnny Wags, Gerard E. C. Griffin. Uh, hello, Joe Ben, Mr. Eduardo, 21, Funny Source, and everybody, DCBY 11, Jake Farke, Baker, everybody, Ashley Love Martin. We really appreciate it. And, um, and if you tweet about the show with the mbmbam hashtag, make sure you throw a link in it, even if it's to our sampler, that's bit.ly

forward slash it's web and bam. Um, and I've seen a lot of those this week. So thank you guys so much. Thank you. Yeah, much obliged. Thank you. We don't advertise or anything like that. So telling telling friends is the only way we can evangelize. So you doing that for us, it means a whole lot. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure of the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Um, are they touring? I keep seeing tweets of his and he's in different places and I think they might be touring. Well, he was doing some shows with our dear friend, John Hodgman. They were in Tucson and I think maybe LA at the bar go. Is it possible he's just a ramblin man? I think that he has the look of a rambler.

Yeah. Yeah. So he's just a ramblin man. Go see him if you have the opportunity. I haven't yet, but I bet their shows are great. Oh, oh, oh, one more thing before I forget. Email us your questions. If you got something going in your life, you need help, mbmbamatmaximumfund.org. And if you want us to wish someone a special time or wish your business some more business, go to maximumfund.org or slash John Botron. Okay. This finally Yahoo was sent by Lisa Holofield. Thank you, Lisa. It's by Yahoo Answers user Spencer, who asks, Who's a bigger star? Alpha Tony Danza. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Charlie. I'm Griffin McElroy.

It's with my brother. My brother and me. Kiss your dad. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks. These girls are smart. Play your part.