My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 96: Ven Conmigo a Jurassic Park

Episode Date: March 19, 2012

Ssh. Oh, man. You guys are going to have to keep it down this week. We're feeling a little under the weather, which is to say, under the exorbitant number of St. Patrick's Day beverages we consumed. Let's just get through this one, okay? Suggested talking points: A Quiet Podcast With the Lights Off, Hunger Games: Abridged, Little Monsters Only, Playplace Wedding, Its'a Me Kevin, President Doritos

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? We're coming to you today, we're coming to you today, so loud, so loud, quieter still? Yeah, ow, ow, ow, ow. Hello, hello everybody. Travis, drink this oyster water.

Thank you. Hello everybody, welcome. Welcome, shh, welcome to my brother, my brother and me. It's an advice show about quiet people for quiet people who don't make a ruckus and don't turn on the light for the love of God, just leave it off. I know it's dark in here, sit down on this futon and relax. Oh, my nose is bleeding. Oh, God. Oh, that's bad, that's bad, it's green, that's not normal. That's the worst. That's the worst yet authentic. That's a lot of food coloring in your diet you have to put in there.

I am wearing five sleep masks. So loud, so loud, please just, can we all just be quiet? It's the day after St. Patrick's Day and Travis and Griffin are really hung over and I'm sort of hung over because I was cleaning up pet stains all night with my new spot bot by Bissell. So I guess we all had pretty crazy nights. This is an advice show for the modern era, I guess our first piece of advice is don't drink. Don't have that drink. I had six sore teeth last night. No, Griffin, no. Six of them. Bartender was just like, you won't aim more? I said yes, one more and I did that five times after the first one. I had eight baby makers. Oh, wowzers. That's the one that actually has turpentine in it,

doesn't it? Yep, it's like a boiler maker but you drop in a shot of turpentine. Yikes. Yeah, I had, I was only supposed to use one third part pet stain remover to water and I said, what if I did half and half? You said these are some hearty stains. And you burned right through your carpet. I can't burn, well no, I mean I drank it. Right, yeah, but no, no, I did really eradicated, really eradicated the pet odor. CJ's got some hearty piss. I've always said that. Gotta go industrial on that. And she did drink yesterday. Oh, I see. Yeah, so she, that, you know. This is not a goof, I feel like dog shit. Well, I'm goof, Travis, how do you feel?

I actually feel great. I went for a walk this morning, I went out in the sun. I felt great, I sprung out of bed with a spring of my step, sat down, played some Mass Effect 3 and then I was, I felt great and I burped and that burp turned into a throw up. And I was like, what? You burped? But I felt, but I felt great, body. It's the older, it's, it's, Sydney gets this, you call it, it's passed down on her mother's side of the family, they call it the Meadows reversal. You wake up, you wake up feeling good and then oops, oopsies, it's done reversed. Anyway, this is an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy.

I'm your baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Griffin, these footprints in the sand will be where Travis and I carried you. Yeah. I don't, no matter how sick you are, we're gonna help with the chuckles. But if you vomit on my jacket, I will leave you on the beach. Vomit on my sandals. This place on the beach where you are sleeping is where we left you, because you vomited on Travis. Because you threw up on my sweet members only jacket and I left you behind. We paid a hobo $3. And then when the tie came in, he pulled you off the beach a bit. And he stole your jacket. These drag marks are where he dragged you. These drag marks are where he dragged you. Those, uh, the, the dookie stays. He's homeless. I don't know. He's had a rough life.

Listen, he's a vet. He gave everything. Some gave all, all gave some. He's played by Danny Trejo. He is played by Danny Trejo. Danny Trejo's finest acting role was as the homeless man who drug me in a story that Justin and Griffin made up about me. Can we start the show so that we can be done with the show soon? Yeah. So you can go die. Yeah. Your last will and testament will be this program. Yes. I have two really good friends and they both have girlfriends and I feel left. People, do you, have we helped you too much? I feel that while the, the universe itself continues to put questions into the Yahoo answers system that are both terrifying and wonderful. I feel like our listeners don't need us as much as they used to. We get questions that are,

they're, that are easy, easy stuff. Yeah. You know, but I like, I like this. It's a nice slow ball to kind of get us past St. Patrick's Day. Okay. Yeah. We'll start, we'll warm up. I have two really good friends and they both have girlfriends and I feel left out. What should I do? Get yourself a girlfriend. Get a girlfriend. See, that was an easy one. Wait, hold on. You guys, see this is 96 episodes ago. This is the, the caliber of advice that we are handing out, but we've come so far. Holy shit. Our 100th episode is coming up very soon. Then we cash it in. It comes so far. We got to come at it like a raptor, like two raptors. Pins it. Give it the pincer. What if I told this guy, or girl, guy, well, I don't know.

By the way, you got to get new friends. Okay. What about that? We're in a whole new life. Now, like witness protection kind of thing. Okay. That seems drastic. In this, in this modern world, you guys, sometimes you got to take drastic steps for results. I don't know. I feel like the witness protection program. The third wheel protection program. Yeah. There's a, there's a mystique to the witness protection program because we've all thought about in some point during our lives, usually during middle school, like everything's awful. What if I could just start over? Witness protection program will give you that kind of, that kind of service. I, I am, I think that maybe as we move into the next era, my brother, my brother made 2.0 that kicks off

with episode 100. When we go public. When we go public. We do our IPO. Yeah. Maybe, maybe the new pack your bags and move away is pack your bags and inform on the mob because then, then that's a clean start. It doesn't matter how many of your good friends have girlfriends. Hey, can you, have you considered trying to split them up like in a Jennifer Aniston movie? This is great. Give it the Janiston. Give it the Janiston. Go find one girl, sleep with the guy. Wait, hold on. Wait. This isn't good advice. Sleep with both. Those guys. Those guys. Rupert Everett movie. Um, pit the couples against each other. Oh my God. In a double there. Oh my God. Hunger games. Hunger games for your love. You got, here's what you should do. Here's what you should do. This is easy. This is a way better

answer to your problem. Hunger games. Have you, have you considered hunger games? Hunger games is the new pack your bags and inform on the mafia because if you have hunger games, pack your bags and eat your friends. Don't think that's what happens in the hunger games. I've never read it, but I assume it's a lot about cannibalism. Fuck, I'm hungry. Let's play Monopoly. Winner take all. Winner take all your bones. Liver. Winner take all the bites. So if you eat their girlfriends. Then you've won. You've won the hunger games. Here's a medal. That is the way the hunger games are played. Weird fucking board game. What is this movie rated? It seems unseemly. I watched

Woody Harrelson eat stealing Tucci. Unhinged his jaw and swallowed him whole. Is Tucci and Harrelson really in it? Oh yeah, the Tucci is loose. The Tucci is fully loose in hunger games. And Woody Harrelson plays, well, I'm not going to let it in on how much hunger games inside I have. Have you seen, have you, you've read the books, how about you? All of them, baby. And here's the thing, Travis is on the money. Yeah, it's all about cannibalism. I knew it. Yeah, Woody Harrelson plays the, the, the drunken tutor of the lead lady and Stanley Tucci is sort of the talk show host that makes her a star. All right. And they eat each other? Well, yeah, Woody Harrelson, unhinged his jaw. It's now Griffin. I don't want you to be scared.

It's all, it's all special effects. Because the twist is, as Woody Harrelson is eating Stanley Tucci, Stanley Tucci is eating Woody Harrelson. Right from the inside out. Yeah. And here, and here, here, and here's the weird thing. You remember Coach, the original bartender on Cheers, he finds a baby one inside Woody Harrelson's belly. Wow. Yeah, he, apparently Woody Harrelson ate Coach on Cheers and that's how he got to be famous. I see. So Tucci goes on a fantastic adventure inside of Woody Harrelson. Uh-huh. Right. Have you seen Innerspace? I've seen Innerspace. It's like that, but what if they didn't shrink? You could just, you could just see Stanley Tucci's weird bald head poking out from the distinctive belly of Woody Harrelson.

That's like three, that's like three-fourths of the Hunger Games. Right there. That scene. We need to retroactive, spoiler warning, retroactively. Retroactive spoiler warning. We spoiled your life. I was talking about this and we're sorry. So I guess that should solve your problems. Guys, I have a handful of choice. Just dank Yahe's. This one was sent in by Tim. Thank you, Tim. It's by Yahoo Answers user Anatolya Monster, who asks, Monsters, what do to for Lady Gaga's birthday? What? Mother Monster's birthday is approaching. Have you decided what to do to celebrate? I'm planning on making a video for her, even if she won't see it. Have you got any better ideas? We've got 10 days to Lady Gaga's

birthday and I haven't made her a goddamn thing. Why do you know that? What? Why do you know that? How could you know that? Because I remember it. It's pretty easy to, it's not like I'm a super fan or anything. It's pretty easy to remember. I have tickets to The Monster's Ball on June 19th and that's exactly 87 days after her birthday. So that, it's pretty easy to remember when you're using that, when you're using that metric, you know? Do you read The Hunger Games at the Lady Gaga party? She out loud. She projects them on a screen. There ain't no reason for me to eat Stanley 2G tonight, baby. Come on, Woody Harrelson. If that were true, I would, I would get the whole Lady Gaga thing, finally. Finally. She just said, Reed's Hunger Games to you. I can't. Additional details.

I was asking little monsters only. As opposed to like medium average monster, like what? Well, Lady Gaga fans come in three distinct size sets. You got little monsters. Starting from Savage. Which is, it's actually exclusively for Savage. Fuck, I feel bad. I'm gonna drink some water. Okay. You got medium monsters. Now, what is a medium monster? Like, what does that entail? You ever just look at a person and you learn their name and then you look at someone else to like have a conversation and you immediately forget the face and name of the person you were just talking to? Uh-huh. That's a medium monster. Got it. Okay. And then there's huge monsters, which is fat people. Okay. Which actually makes up 89% of the Lady Gaga fan base,

which is interestingly enough. So, yeah, you slot in one of those three and then you know, you know, like which monster union you belong to. Now, the title monster, is that like a self-imposed thing by the fans? Are they like, we are monsters because I agree? No, she's actually, she is actually chupacabra. Right. She is chupacabra made woman. Yes. She's been given a basically, well, that is a woman's body. That's one of the powers that chupacabra brings to the table is Lady Transformation. That's right. That's how it gets you. And also, you can eat, just pause the lettuce. Just disappears. You try to leave it around her and it's like, whoop, gone. Travis, I want to get into something. What is your, what would you say is

your, what's your beef with Gaga? What is it? What's your problem? Well, my issue is this. I have no problem with like the persona of Lady Gaga. I have a problem with that she is Lady Gaga all the time. Like, you know that you're not at her house. You're not watching the bachelor with her. Yeah. I can't believe that she's not, I can't believe she goes home and like takes off a funky wig and she's like, whoo, what a day. Takes off her, takes off her baking dress. That's the face you only get that face of her. That's, Mama Monster is a character that she is playing, right? And I see, I don't think that's true. I think that she is serious, like psychological issues. Like, I worry for her. You are leveling some, some heady, dank claims on Mama Monster. Serious

stuff. I worry for her. I'm concerned. Lady Gaga has her public face and you only get to see her public face because Travis- When she's Mrs. Gaga. You're not her close friend. When she goes home, she's just deaf. Eating cookie dough, watching the bachelor. She's just deaf. Normal, normal stuff. And her studio apartment. When I'm going to get her for her birthday is I'm going to convert Travis into a, a real monster. The highest level of, of Lady Gaga fandom is, is the real monster. That's it. I have no problem with the music. It said, I just don't like, got a heart, don't you? You have two ears. Of course. The Yahoo Answers user called Walker responded to the query of what to, what due to for Lady

Gaga's birthday. And he said, I will probably go to the bathroom and take a dump and watch and then sleep. You know, actually live instead of freaking over a person that I'll never meet. That guy's like the fourth, fourth brother. He's like an honorary brother right now. Me, I'm going to go to the factory. I'm going to make some salt and I'm going to go home and I'm going to watch the bachelor with Steph, who is my wife in real life and not Lady Gaga. Now, Justin, I love, first of all, I love that fiction that you're spending. Second of all, that's what her husband does. He works at a salt factory. Now Lady Gaga's husband works at a salt factory. Yes. Now Mr. Gaga should Lord Gaga should Lord Gaga do something for her birthday?

Probably. I mean, it's Steph, Steph has the same birthday as Lady Gaga. Take her out to TGI Fridays or something. Is he the daddy monster? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like this idea of like a Bernstein bearish thing going on. Yeah, there's there's so many different levels of Lady Gaga fandom. That's the hardest thing is like fans will have these squabbles, these inter inter monster squabbles. And it's like, I thought we had this all, all situated, but I guess we got to get the sorting hat back out and figure out what kind of monsters everybody is. I just love her music. I don't know what to say. I love her music. What's not to love? I just love her music. Pulse. Pulse pounding. Rhythms. All the beats. Miracle fancy. Hey, my girlfriend and I recently

got engaged and we're looking for out of the box wedding venue ideas that are relatively cheap. Both of us want a short non-church related ceremony and a cool reception. So you don't want your wedding to count? Yeah, you don't want Jesus to recognize your marriage? That's fine. We are thinking March of next year. And since we live in the Deep South, something outdoor is easily an option. Help us, brothers. Don't do an outdoor wedding in Louisiana. Don't do an outdoor wedding. What if it rains? How's that? It will rain. You ever see, you ever see November rain? You ever see that video? How'd that, how'd that squeak out? How'd that go? Axl Rose died. That's how it got shot or something or some plates fell out.

I don't remember the video. It ended poorly. It did not go well. In the cold November rain. McDonald's play place? What are the advantages there? Wide selection of ring bearers. Ball pit. Hey you. And then even sweet built right in. Just drape some a tarp over it and go to town. Travis, I like the idea of dragooning toddlers into your wedding. You, you're the priest now. You, you've been conscripted. You're my best man. What's your name? Ralph? You got an old man name. Come here. Hold this ring. I'm so nervous, Ralph. Don't put it in your mouth. Ralph, talk me through this. Freaking out, Ralph. Freaking out. I'm gonna bolt. Ralph, your hands are so slippery from

cheeseburger grease. Can you hold these rings? What'd you get? Is it? Ralph, did you give me a McGriddle ring? You're always there for me, Ralph. You're always there for me. You're right. I love Susan so much. Oh, shit. I don't have a wife. You come here. What's your name? What's your name? Is this legal? Probably not. What is her name? Is this legal? Why would she be named? Is this legal? No one has ever been named that. I said is this legal? Oh, okay. Come here, Smeagol. I love you. How old are you? Six? Fuck. No, well. I got to get my green card. That's all there is to it. I'm marrying one of you little kids today. One of you is about to be a seven-year-old divorcee with a Canadian husband, a Canadian ex.

I promise I will let you live your life. Which one of you is an old soul? Which one of you has an old soul like in the luckiest? I need that one because this is gonna be bad otherwise. I am 45. I'm 45 years old and I want to stay in America. I love it here. It's the greatest country on earth, but they will look at the size of these fries. You can't get extra large fry in Canada. If I put these, this extra large fry in your hand, it looks like I'm okay and I'm ready to do this. I'm ready. I'll throw the fries. I think no really don't. They're delicious. Ronald McDonald's is gonna give me away with the purchase of an extra large fry. He will give you away. Why can't you marry kids? Hold on. At McDonald's only. That's the only

situation. So it's only binding in the city state of McDonald's. Right. In that fiefdom. Then you leave, you get married to a real woman who is your age and she's like, let's go to McDonald's. Anybody like that? If I can't. That would be complicated. We cannot go there. Our relationship that I love and treasure will be null and void. It will be dissolved. I know we're goofing about kid preachers, but wouldn't you, you would have to get married by Grimace, right? Yeah. I mean, he is ordained. I've always thought that he was the wholeness. Wait a minute. Or Merrimick cheese. Oh, it's definitely Merrimick cheese. You want somebody official. Right. Grimace is the one who stands up in the back and he's had like

one too many McFlurries and he objects. And the other thing is that Merrimick cheese is a preacher in that racist church that protests gay people's funerals. Bet you didn't know that. That's true. I was about to say in Fred Willard's church, but I don't think that's his name. The church of comedy got goose. You know who you got to watch out for? Of a hamburger. Yeah, because he'll steal your bride. He'll steal your toddler bride. He will. Happiness. And I'll keep an eye on Dr. Apple Pie. Okay, you made him up. No, Dr. Apple Pie is a newcomer. Have you not heard of him? It's a doctor in history. It's not like a medical doctorate. Everybody in McDonald's getting so sick. Probably in a McDonald's foods nonstop. Why do I always feel sleepy and dead?

My liver is just like, it's just full of fat, just full of it. And it looks like a marbled steak down there. Can someone please, please invent a caretaker for us peoples? Also, nobody was buying fucking apple pies anymore because it's not 1952. So they wanted to get that brand awareness going. And now they, and now they, apple pies have fruit in them. Yeah, I'm a doctor. Trust me, you're not a doctor. You're a cartoon. You're a cartoon. They have three to 3.5 essential vitamins that you need for life, including bread, apple and syrup. Crunchy. This has got vitamin syrup. Delicious. How do you prevent scurvy? That's how. Vitamin crunchy. A little vitamin syrup. I like him a lot better than a strange Uncle McRib.

What? Hey, Uncle McRib. He only comes in town every so often. Uncle McRib, it's been a while. Yeah, I was hanging out with your Uncle Brotwurst and your Uncle Pizza. And your Uncle Fajita for a bit. They're all dead. But Uncle Apple Pie killed them. But listen, Ronald, I want you to know I'm clean. I'm sober. And I'm going to stick around this time. I'm going to be here and I'm going to be a real member of this family. Three weeks, always. Three weeks he lasts. He's drunk on the couch. He's making out with Wendy. Yeah. And he's back to wherever he goes. Pulling the tubes out of Grandpa Speedy's nose. That was a deep McDonald's cut. That was a deep cut. Next up, Griffin Goose about McPizza or

something. I already did that. I already did that one. God, you know what? McPizza was good. McPizza was good. McBrotwurst was fucking delightful. I don't know. Okay, Griffin, I've never heard of McBrotwurst. Oh, I remember McBrotwurst. I remember McFahitas, too. I used to always get McFahitas. Not a joke. Sometimes McDonald's sets their eyes on these, like, fucking, like, jack-in-the-boxes. Like, their menu is just like freestyle jazz. Like, what do you want? Slurpee. Sure, fucking throw them in. McDonald's is like, you guys know your thing already. You don't have to have, you don't have to have Slurpee. What do you got? Pasta? Put that away. You don't, they don't know what they're doing. They just want to be involved in the other part of your life.

They want to stick their finger in all sorts of pies because their own pies are the worst pies. They're like hot fucking. Have you ever had a holiday pie, McDonald's? A holiday pie is like an apple pie outside. It's got sprinkles on top and inside it's filled with, I kid you not, hot custard. Happy holidays, everyone. Happy holidays. You're crying. You're sad. You're so sad. Sad. What's that? Hot custard pie. What's that? A dribbling down your chin. Is that hot custard and sprinkles? Ah, it's December the 24th. Happy holidays. Now I get it. Happy holidays. You look awful. I don't think we answered that at all. Yeah. I feel like we covered it. Yeah, we touched on it. We touched on it. That's, I mean, the McDonald's

play place is a pretty good suggestion, I think. Yeah. Where else would be a great place to hit your wagon to somebody else forever? You could look into independent concert venues. Like what? What? Like theaters that, you know, that, you know, take, there's one here in Cincinnati called the Redmore and basically it's like an open event location. Okay, like an outdoor amphitheater. I'm with you. Yeah, that kind of deal. So that's pretty good. And in a church. In the front of the eyes of the Lord. Maybe you want the Lord to come. Maybe invite your friend, God. Maybe have God, you know, God is everywhere except when people are getting married outside of churches. God is everywhere except outside of churches. Oh, get married. Build a big

like lead line bomb shelter and say no God allowed because I guess he can't get through lead. Keep God and Superman out. Get out of here, Superman. You know, our stepsister, Abby, got married in a park and that was very nice. It was lovely. Yeah. I mean, it's such a risk. If it pans out, you know, you've got, well, I was going to say the Lord's blessing, but obviously you won't have that if you're not in a church, but you have the blessings of Gaia. Gaia, small sir. I went to a wedding a few months ago in New Orleans at a wax museum. It was really, really cool because the building was really quite lovely and the upstairs is like a reception hall and that's where the reception was

a natch and I got drunk up there and then went downstairs where all the wax statues were recounting recounting the history of New Orleans, which I don't know if you guys know this, is horrifying is the scariest founded city ever. Did that now these weren't celebs. These weren't celebs. These were historical representations of events like the Mexican jail massacre. All right. This is pretty good. I've had about 10, seven and sevens. So this seems, this seems like a pretty good fit for my current state of being. Oh, what's that? Oh, voodoo ceremony where they tear snakes in half. Great. Great. Great. I always cry at horrifying weddings. Yeah. There was also a nightmare. I'm not making this up. There was a nightmare dungeon

section for the people who don't give a shit about New Orleans history and it had like, it had Sasquatch, it had Frankenstein, it had Jason and it also had the man in the wax museum, which just stop it. What? I'm not ready for this. Man in the wax museum? Yeah, it was like two people. It was just a mirror. Two people. Behold history's greatest monster. You, you know, do you know how, how much of a less you're going to feel like we get a call from that wax museum tomorrow and they say we don't have a nightmare dungeon. They have a we found you crying on the floor of the gift shop. You were actually on the gift shop begging for help. There is no nightmare dungeon here. Oh, I'm sorry. That was the, that was the origins of

Mardi Gras exhibit. There were a lot of feathered masks. Girls who have to go wild forever in perpetuity. They're locked in a state of wildness. We'd like just one quiet night. I don't think that's how. I just want to stay in and watch The Bachelor with Steph. Justin, did you watch, did you watch The Bachelor? Is this why you've referenced it four different times? No. Well, it's tied. The Bachelor is tied to the fiction of Lady Gaga at home. Okay. So the two are being mentioned in conjunction. I'm only asking because I watched every single episode of The Bachelor this season. I was hoping we might have brochettes about it. Did she end up with the, did he end up with the bad girl? I don't want to spoil it.

So take your, take your earphones off everybody. Yep. Really? Yeah. I'm glad I didn't watch that. That would have been hard. It was rough. He got, he got rid of KCB. America's sweetheart. Like, like four episodes from the end. Like, what are you doing, brother? I've never watched The Bachelor before, but now that he's made his final choice, they're married. No dog. They went totally splitsville almost instantly. What's the point? What is the point Travis of Love? But if Love can't thrive in a reality TV show or at McDonald's, then what's the point? What's the point? Or a reality TV show set at McDonald's. I would watch that. Oh my God. In a play place, you're just, it's like sister wise.

On the next episode of Kid Marriage. We're canceled. Sorry, police. We did not know. On the next episode of Kid Wives, we formally apologize to the families we've devastated. We did not know about the laws. On the next episode of Kid Wives, we do an unintentional mashup with to catch a predator. Is that Chris Hansen? Ah, fuck. God damn it. I love her very much. I love her very much. I just like Smirnoff. I like to drink it myself. This is for me. This Smirnoff is for me. I bought this for me. I bought this for me, Chris. This is a treat for me. I bought it for me. I've earned it. Oh, I haven't. I'm a Pito. Okay. If you are going to, if you are going to

go to an underage girl's house to sleep with her and you are bringing a lot of alcohol beverages, that don't do that. But if you do, take two cups with you because when he asks you what the Z was for, it is such a baller move to say, it's for us, Chris. Let's sit down. Let's crack one of these open. This is for us big guys. This is for us. You never get to hang with anybody. You just sit in kitchens all day like a creepster. Yeah, no, Chris, Chris. I'll go quietly, but let's talk about you. Chris, I'm your biggest fan. I got into touching kids just for this moment, just to meet you. Love you. Just for this moment. I love you so much. You do such good work. Pito's gross, but I'll become one to meet you. To meet you. Oh, Pito's, you're the pit. You know how we catch

predators. That's what the money we earn from the money's up. We're out there every day. When we're not recording these podcasts, we're busting Pito's. Yeah. A lot of people know that. This message is for Merrily Bramble Pelt Griffin and Holly Lillipad Gibbs, and it's from Nadja, Will, and Tom. Travis, what's the message? Well, I can give you what I'm guessing is the first nine tenths of the message because, unfortunately, it cut off. But here's what we've got so far. We would like to give a birthday shout out to the almost twin mayors of birthday town, Merrily Bramble Pelt Griffin, March 16th, and Holly Lillipad Gibbs, March 23rd. Holly and Merrily are super fans of

my brother and my brother and me. I've been spreading the McRoy Brothers Gospels since they started listening to the advice show. Arquintet has been getting it every and then the message cuts off. Okay. Okay. So hold on. We can figure this out. Arquintet has been getting it in every back alley. No. Oh, God. No. No. That's the worst thing you could have. It's the worst answer. I want you guys to note that I censored myself for the other terrible things I was going to say. Oh, good. Wonderful. You get that. You get that in mbmbam xxl. Get raunchy. You're gonna say the rump. Good one, dirty trap. You stumped him again in your dirty ways. This is the best CD I ever bought. How is this only $3? mbmbam xxl get raunchy. Why is it extra large? Because it can't contain

all the raunchiness, Griffin. The raunchiness is bulging at the seams. No one CD can contain all this raunchiness. The corporate suit said make two CDs. We made a giant one. It's like a laser disc of raunchiness. Of raunchy. You can't fit it in. Anything fit it in your rump. Brab. Is it your grandma's CD? Sorry, people. Turn it down. Too much raunch. So happy birthday. Happy birthday. Sorry about everything. Sorry about Travis, specifically me. I'm so sorry. And hey, don't forget MaxFunDrives coming up. Get your given hat on. We are planning a salvo of awesome shit to give away to people. I'm gonna throw our hat over the fence. It'll change you. Wow. In ways you can't even imagine. Well, you could probably suss it out, but

you will be changed. You will be defined. For the better, you ask. I don't know. Not necessarily. It's impossible to say. I know what will change you for the better. It's another show on the MaxFun network, like this one. Hello, fake radio listeners. I didn't see you over there. This is Judge John Hodgman relaxing in his chambers. You know, I've resolved the greatest moral conflicts of our time, like the potluck problem, snob versus slob, and of course, the toot dispute. Do you have a pressing issue that needs swift decisive justice? Visit us at www.maxfun.org slash jjho. That's jjho for Judge John Hodgman. And here are the results of each case on my weekly podcast, Judge John Hodgman. You can subscribe in iTunes or find it online at maximumfun.org.

This is the sound of a gavel. That is all. This, uh, I have a Yahoo answer that was sent by Gali. Oh, thank you, Gali. It's by Yahoo Answers user Kevin Crawford, who asks, If I go to Italy and talk with an Italian accent, would I offend the Italians? I'm going to Germany, Austria and Italy May 23rd for 11 days. I just wanted to ask, I talk with an Italian accent, but don't speak Italians. Will the Italians find that offensive? I can't imagine why. Why would they? I think they'll find it flattering. They might think they're having a stroke. Why do I understand? I don't understand what you're saying, but it's Italian. It's got to be. It's got to be Italian. Look at you. What are these new words?

He's an innovator. He's a pioneer of the Italian language. I don't understand any of it. You douchebag. This you doucher. This is either like you either are planning on doing this, which is bad, or you already speak with an Italian accent, but you don't speak Italian. And your name is Kevin. So you're not from Italy originally. Do you know why people have accents? Do you know how that happens? Because they're from the place, Kevin. Jesus, Kevin. Kevin, you are from Nebraska. You speak with an abrasion accent and abrasion brogue. I've never been to a foreign country, but I have to imagine that it would be the same as if anyone from Italy rolled up to America. It was like, now I'm going to speak with an American accent. Like, I don't hope for that.

It wouldn't be a thing. Because I don't think it would be like, Como es Don mi amigo. I'm no Hispanic. Don de esta biblioteca. Can't tell me amigo. I sound like the DNA stranded by that part. Yes, you do. Dinosaurs. Mi amigo. De inyay ah. It's too, it's too, it's too amigo. Oh my God. Don de, don de estorla. Don de estorla Stunder lizard. Bien con mi amigo a Jurassic Park. Can't es tu nombre. Mi nombre es Jose Hammond. Can't es la problema mi amigo. That's a high serratops. I wish I knew more Spanish. But I don't know any. I know how to ask for the library or maybe bookstore.

I know how to say bathroom and Mr. Ian Malcolm. Oh, baby finds a way. Esperada. Christ. Yeah. Oh God, don't do this thing, Kevin. Kevin, just go to Italy and enjoy it and talk like yourself. Just go and talk really loudly and slowly in English. Yeah, that's what people like over there. They want to, the one thing people always say this, why should I try to speak in the language, even if I don't know it? And the answer is yes, always. Because the one thing that people in other countries like to feel is superior to you. Oh yeah. And if they can't kind of tilt their head to the side and okay, come here little slow person, come with me. You're adorable. I'll protect you. I don't

know. They might actually appreciate the comedy of this. You think? Yeah. Like, hello, I'm trying to go. I find a sandwich. Which way? Tell me, please. Why is the Italian borat? My brother, my brother and me come for the child marriage. Stay for the accents. We are like you guys could do a better Italian. Griffin, I did Mexican. I did Mexican English DNA DNA. So yeah, I could probably swing it. I'm not just not going to lower myself to that because it's offensive to Tony Danza and all the other fine people of the Italian faith. And we can all agree that Kevin's Italian accent is, he's just doing Mario, right? Yeah. Right. Okay. It's me and Kevin. He just comes out. Every other American is doing when they do

Italian. They're doing Mario. I'm a Kevin. I'm going to win. Or the something about spicy meatball. This seems to be the two things that everyone says in their Italian accents. Here's a Yahoo answer that was sent in by Keith Marnock. Thank you, Keith. It's by Yahoo Answers user Matilda who asks opinions on the name baby for a girl. I'm sorry, but I love this name. It is so graceful, elegant, informal, upper class name in all caps. I want to call my kid. I want to call my kid this, please. Opinions, please. I think anytime you have to ask a question that starts with, I'm sorry, you've answered it for yourself. Yeah. That's a fine point, Travis. I'm sorry I have this opinion. I'm so sorry.

If you think about class, the idea of class, it is tied pretty much inherently to maturity. Classy, mature. How could a name that means the least mature thing possible be a classy name? Let's walk this backwards. Can you name your child Grandpa? This is my baby, Grandpa Baby. I love him very much. He's a classy guy. Grandpa Baby. What? I'm picturing it and just makes me really happy. A grandpa Baby. Sorry, go on. No, this is, I love it when you interrupt the show with your own brain pictures that nobody can see. Tell me again. Does it please you? Are you imagining a still frame from Benjamin Button? Are you looking at your commemorative Benjamin Button Viewmaster that you receive at the streaming?

Yes. Click, click. He's older. Click, click. He's young. I love this Viewmaster. Why is the writing backwards? Ah, fuck the things in backwards. These are so hard. What does, do you think, do you guys think Viewmasters would still have the power to entertain and ensorcel the youth? Or do you think their, their novelty will have worn off by now? I don't understand. Wait, is there a thing that doesn't exist anymore? They don't make Viewmasters anymore? They probably do for like the, the toddler-iest toddlers. And hipsters. Yeah, I could see that. Just like a disc of PBR pictures. These are real things that people spent money on. And I imagine that the replay value on a Viewmaster disc is negative 10.

You flip through it. There's eight pictures. You flip through all eight and you're like, ah, done. Thank you for buying this, Dad. How much was it? 250? Yowza. You got burnt, Dad. What, maybe spent that on milk or gas? But this is great. Thanks. It lasted me four and a half seconds. So thanks. It was really, it was really super fun. Next toy. Again, something with electricity, please. Can I get a light bright up in this bitch? Man. Don't name your fucking baby, baby. Because that baby's never going to grow up. It's going to be a forever baby. That baby's never going to grow up. That baby, if that baby is, is it a baby girl, baby boy? Doesn't name it. Baby girl. Let's say baby girl. It says for a girl. Oh, right. In

the question, right there in bold. Don't do this. This baby's going to be 15 and it's going to hate you already, but you know what's going to make it double hate you? Swinging y'all. Hey, baby. Bring me down my socks. Baby, give me socks. Baby, give my drinkin' socks. You know, baby. No, no, they're next to the meth socks. They're next to my meth doing socks. Baby. You know, you, you people get mad at adults who wear diapers as part of a sexual, or, you know, sexual pleasure thing. Oh, you mean age play? People get mad about age play, but I think if your name is baby, you pretty much have carte blanche for sexual dysfunction. Not, not to say it's a dysfunction. It is a, it is a perfectly

viable erotic alley. All of the chrono, all of the chronosexuals out there, like you keep chasing your dream and like we are not going to stand in the way because who are we. But you should stop listening right now because that's gross. The big diapers aren't what bother me. It's the pacifiers. It's the pacifier. For me, it's the goos and the goggles. See, for me, it's the bonnet. I can't get behind the bonnet. Yeah. And it always is a big fat man. It always looks like someone put a diaper on a giant egg. Now. And I hate it. I hate it too, but if they put it in a Cirque du Soleil, I'd pay $100 to see it. I would pay $100 to see it. So, oh, so what you're saying is you have a problem with an amateur

baby dress up, but professional baby dress up is fine. Professional age play is, is a, is a site to behold. If I saw a fat man in public and he was wearing a diaper and a very snug shirt, um, that looked like a weird fucked up version of Jack, the movie Jack by somebody who had never seen the movie Jack, but was told to recreate it. Um, I would get angry at that scene until I said, hey, brother, what's your name? And he said, my parents named me baby. Then I would say, I get, I get, I understand everything. Everything is illuminated. I get it. My love is your love. My love is with you. I miss you, Whitney. Um, I kind of get it a little bit. Hold on. The baby, name it a baby on one level.

Okay. What's the one level that you get at Travis? Is that when you have this baby, if you're a stupid person, you look at it and go, this is a baby. Like what I, what I can't envision doing is looking at a baby and saying like, this is a Eustace. Yeah. This is a Hortense. But that, you realize that that's not how people don't look at their babies and just go pizza. No, I'm saying in the naming process, it's a really difficult thing because you're looking at this thing, this baby and saying like, I'm going to label this thing for, you know, possibly a hundred years. What's this thing? What's this thing? Is this Doritos? Nah, table? Nope. No, it's a baby.

Put that down on the certificate. Are you saying that it's okay if you as a parent lack the conceptual the ability to abstract a baby from like to an actual name? Like if you can't, I'm saying that if you have to go on Yahoo Answers question and ask, then chances are you're lucky the baby's not named Doritos. This is why baby Doritos. This is a Doritos. It's doctor. Too late on the certificate. Stepping up to the plate. It's Doritos Atkins. He's had a hell of a season and earlier when I said plate, I meant podium because he's the president. He's the baseball president Doritos Taco Bell shell. Baby president. It's also a baseball man Doritos. He goes by one name now like Madonna or Coney.

Just Doritos. So this has been our dumb show. My brother, my brother, me. We got to stop. We got to stop Doritos 2012. We got Doritos 2012. Bring them down. Thank you so much for listening to it and hopefully making it to the end of this very, very strange episode. What is already a pretty strange show. If you would like more, go to iTunes, search for MBNBAM and you can find 95 episodes of this stuff and you can listen to all of them and maybe leave us a rating or a review while you're there. Subscribe there and spread that. Spread that around. That's the best way you have of growing the show and making sure others get to enjoy it. And remember coming up is Max Fun Drive and you're going to help support

all the shows of Max Fun, including our new shows Bullseye and Throwing Shade and us, because you love us and you want to buy us things. It'd be nice to us. We have been on the network for a year and it was, you know, a year ago that we did the last Max Fun Drive and the extent to which we have grown and been able to do new stuff because of the people who supported us last year. Like thank you guys so, so much. We don't thank you enough for the people who already are donating, but it's been absolutely incredible and we couldn't have done it without everybody's support. So hopefully people will come out this year and we'll be able to grow even more into 20 bakers, does. Thank you, John Rodgerick, The Long Winners,

for letting us use their song It's a Departure from the album Putting the Days to Bed. You can find that on all your music outlets. Thank you to everyone who tweets about The Long Winters for attaching the NBNBAM hashtag. I don't know why you guys attached the NBNBAM hashtag to some of the things you attached it to, but God bless you because it makes that stream. If you don't have that stream saved in Twitter, it gets pretty rambunctious in there. If you use the NBNBAM hashtag, thank you to everybody tweeting about the show this week with that. Thank you to OXOBOXO, Sarah Jones, Iggy Kay, Visanjo, Ham Doctors, Jason Berry, Cambo Soup, Mike Susak, Two-Headed Nerd, Danger Monkey, Dirty Mustard, everybody, Dirty Mustard, what are you doing?

Alpha cheese. You guys, you're the best. Thank you everybody tweeting about the show and throw, if you're going to tweet about it, maybe throw a link to our sample in there, bit.ly. It's NBNBAM. Let's shut it down. Let's shut it down. Griffin. This final y'all, who was sent in by Lisa Holofield, thank you Lisa. It's by Yahoo Answers user MrCool, who asks, is there going to be a Good Burger 2 movie coming out? I'm just a worker. I'm Travis Nackler. I'm just a back girl. This is my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad. It's a little way out of the way.