My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 97: Stevurkel

Episode Date: March 26, 2012

It's the first part of our two-part Max Fun Drive extravaganza! Reach into them pockets, and pull out whatever's in there, and then throw that away. We don't want your change, folks. We want sky-high stacks of crisp American bills. Suggested talking points: Chuckle Tax, Terra Nova, The Thickness, First Impression Beans, Secret Marriage, Dungeons and Death, Dropping LBs, Step By Step

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. Griffin, it's the most wonderful time of the year because it's time to pay the piper. Bill has come due. Chuckle Bill has come due. You're not talking about the tax burden, the remarkable tax burden.

Yeah, you're ha ha tax. I'm confused. Who's Chuckle Bill? See, Travis, for every chuckle that we distribute, we have to then pay to the American government 25% based on our tax burden. They get 25% if our gaffaws? We increased our chortles by a significant amount this year, I would say, just based on how the show has grown, and now we have to pay back 35%. Wow. Our last bracket is through the roof, and this is the one time a year where we come to you and we're just like, open them up. Open them up. Let me see them wallets. Open up them wallets, let me dig around in there, and when I'm done, you will know, because I'm gonna wreck your wallet.

What is in this wallet? Is this a diners club card? Oh, this wallet smells awful, but the money's good. Oh, man, it spins. It may smell like an old man's a sock drawer, but it spins just right. On a different note, why you guys are thinking about wallets? Think about why you kept that fortune cookie fortune, because it's not as funny as you think it is. On the subjects of wallets, I ain't trying to discriminate. Let's see those purses too. It is. Pop them open, 20 clips. Pop them open, flip it upside down, shake it out, and let's just see. I'll take your crystal light powder that you mixed with water. I don't care. I need a refreshing beverage on the go. The taxes do. It's Max Fun Drive.

2012, I'm excited because we get to record a lot of extra stuff for people who keep this network going, and this is the one time a year that we asked you guys to help us keep it running. I'm excited because we are just fucking running on fumes over here. I've had nothing to eat for the past four days except for saltines and saltine water, which is when I crumble up saltines into water and make a protein slurry. With no protein, it's really not a good nutritional option. This is the Max Fun Drive 2012. Of course, you can go right now to maximamfun.com, it's not maximamfun.com. Maximamfun.org, it's okay. I've only been here for a year and a half. Do you guys remember back when we joined the Max Fun? We used to be the new kid on the block.

Last year, we were the new baby, the new face, but now we are the wizened older brother to throwing shade and technically international waters. I think we're adopted, guys. I'm worried we might be adopted. Have you noticed how we don't look anything like Jesse? We don't dress as well or anything. He's very tall. We are all, I would say, stocky. I would say stocky is fair. Hey, let's get into some advice. Well, let's introduce ourselves first, maybe. Oh, hey, fuck, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm your rich uncle, Justin McElroy. Feed me, see more, open up. I'm your upper middle class brother, Travis McElroy. I am the 1%, but on the bottom part. Griffin is the other end of the bell curve. This is our advice show. We'll talk more about Max Fun

Drive here in a second, but first, let's get to some advice. First question comes into us from confused in Calgary who asks, I am going to be moving to a town in the Arctic this summer and in the Arctic, there we go, in the Arctic this summer and I don't have enough room for all my stuff. I'm only going up there for a few months and I have storage space lined up for everything I can't take. How should I prioritize what to bring and what to leave behind? I'm going to be honest I don't think it's a good line of goofing, but all I could think is like parkas and harpoons and that's probably not. I don't know, it might actually be racist. A little bit, yeah. Yeah, you might have tapped a vein there. We haven't even fought with Eskimo racism, yeah.

Oh man, we're going to get deep. This is the show to do it too when we're finally asking them for money. Well, not them. No, I'm asking them specifically for money. Hey, open your wallet and dip in you it. Dick. All right, idiot. Well, hey, how about this? Don't go there. Do you know how cold it is? Why didn't you come to us for advice when you were like, hey brothers, think about freezing my nuts off for three months? What's a scoop? Hey, brothers, I just saw a grizzly man followed by Into the Wild and man, I just can't stop thinking about how I want to go to a cold place and die.

Hey, brothers, I want to live my very own Taranova with me as Robert Falcon Scott, leading an ill-fanted band of explorers to the South Pole. Oh Lord, the toes come off in the boot. What can I do? Please help me. Extra toes. Can you pack extra toes? Bring extra toes, bring your ticket home when you realize you made a dumb choice. That's the only thing you need extra toes in your ticket home. It's too cold up there. It's not meant for people. It's meant for bears. Native Americans built a bridge in ancient times from Asia to Alaska

so they could pull it out of there. Now, Justin, wait, I'm sorry, Justin. Yes. You do realize they did not build that bridge, right? It was a natural land bridge. They built a land bridge. What else were they going to build it out of? Travis? Plexiglass? Like, of course, it's a land bridge. You paint with the medium that's given to you and they had a shit ton of land until we came in and snatched it. Hey, Bill, bring some of that land over here. Boy, I bet they wish they had not been so wasteful with their land as to build a bridge out of it. Had they known that we were going to come for it so hard. And I'll be the first to say it.

Not a very good bridge because where's that shit today? Yeah. How's your longevity? Not good. I am sorry to the name of American people for that. That's our bad. That was fucked up. Everything we said. We really blew it. Not the jokes, but what we did. I'm sorry about that. I wouldn't do that today. I'm sorry for us. I mean, obviously, whenever I go into any sort of situation where I'm not going to have access to all my beautiful things, my bubbles that I bought with the money of Max Fun listeners,

the main concern I have is entertainment. What if I'm bored? That's the terror that keeps me up. And you know what? The amazing thing is about our modern age is that you can do things like the Kindle and laptops and condense all your media and stuff into one tiny container. One single geocache and then hide it in the snow where no one will come for it. Yeah, that would be my favorite first thought. Get a Kindle or a Nook or an iPad or whatever. Can they get a Nanook? Get a Nanook. Wow. It's one of those shows.

What would you guys bring? What would be the first thing you would pack if you were leaving your home to accidentally go freeze to death? I would bring a hatchet and a copy of Gary Paulson's hatchet. So I know like what to do because that kid got out. A-okay. Spoiler. He gets out all right. I would bring a hatchet hidden inside the book hatchet. I like it. That's a big part of it. And you open it up and you get the hatchet out. You say, okay, my book's a big empty square. Fuck.

Can't read this. I will say this as a person who's crazy and has taken every opportunity to own knives and swords throughout my life. This would be like the time to buy a survival knife with like some flint in the handle and like a compass and shit. That'd be awesome. Well, preferably you would buy it before you go to the Arctic. I want an authentic. No, I want an authentic Arctic knife. You're saying step off the boat like where's the knife store? Oh, fuck. Nobody's here. Nobody. I'm the only one. It's the Arctic.

Why did I ask them? Why did I ask my mother, my mother, me if I should do this? Pardon me. Where is the local Excalibur store? Oh, that's those don't exist anymore. Anywhere on the planet. Anyways, damn it. By the way, guys, Excalibur is the name of the, the, the, uh, how would you even describe it? A sword. It's a curio slash weaponry shop. At the Huntington Mall, you can find Excalibur, which is a store that sells glass baubles. Like, like I'm talking like porcelain firemen. It's like glass menagerie shit, like tiny crystal unicorns.

Don't sell them short because they also trade in pewter. Yeah, right. Pewter dragon, pewter figurines and knives and swords and throwing knives, non chakoo, ninja stars. Yeah, you can fully go to Excalibur if you're in Huntington, like, don't miss it because it's a bananas. Like we don't have niche stores here because there aren't enough niches to support them, but they will combine two niches, like our Mexican pancake place. Also very real. Huntington is really into mashups this year. Have you guys been to the bowler rank, which is like the roller rank, only with bowling

in it? It's hugely dangerous. It's well, but I mean, a ship in harbor, you know? Griffin, how about you hit me with the Yahoo? Sure. This one was sent in by Lisa Holofield. Thank you, Lisa. It is by Yahoo Answers user ek who asks, he's being called thick and insult or compliment?

I am five foot seven and 140 pounds. This guy called me thick, saying he liked it, but all I hear from that is fat. I do have a donk large booty and muscular thighs, but I have no curves in my boobs and not really large hips. So it's being called thick a compliment or insult. I simply can't do this. I can't, Griffin, I'm trying to stay posy. I'm trying to march into positivity this.

I have been the entire time you were reading that question. I was trying to, in my mind, formulate a sentence in which thick could be said in a complimentary way. I'm going to go, you know what, I think it's complimentary. Say it and use it in a sentence. Travis, you're a real thick guy. Nope. Let me try that.

Let me try that. You kind of look like Alan Thicke. Oh, that's pretty good, right? Uh-huh. Listen, thick could mean that the stuff of which you are constituted is rigid. So you're commenting on my density. Yeah, you can't be just blown over, and you can't be swayed because you're made from really...

Hardy stock. Yeah. You're viscous. You're sturdy, sturdy. That's good. Reinforced. You are a reinforced person. You're like a McDonald's triple-thick milkshake, and you're like, you get it, and you're like,

oh, great, I'm really going to enjoy this in 30 minutes when it's sippable through the straw. You are like right when it comes out the window. I see, fresh out the window. When you were just reading that letter, I had this animated character in my mind that was supposed to change its appearance as you read the descriptions because I was building a mental picture, but it just started at one and just kind of stayed there. Oh, okay, yeah, you look like that.

That's understandable. Maybe you have other gifts. Maybe these aren't the gifts you should worry about. Is it possible this person is a dollard, and that's what the person meant like you're thick? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yes, obviously. Well, but the guy said he liked it, so like, you're so fucking dumb, and I love it. I love you for it.

You do have a Donklarge booty, and I can't... I do love your Donklarge booty. What does that mean? I don't know. I haven't... That's like the Starbucks size above Vinty. She didn't hyphenate. She didn't hyphenate.

She didn't... Donklarge mocha frappe. I almost wish that she had hyphenated Donklarge as if Donk was a modifier for large, and then I could use that term to describe other things. Like, what? So is it Donklarge and Donkmedium and Donksmall, or is just Donk heightened the adjective? So it's like, man, I'm Donkthirsty. Yeah.

I don't think anything can be Donksmall. Yeah? No, pretty sure. Well... Except for... I wish that were true. That would mean a lot to my marital happiness. Wait, why?

What? Because he's... Because my Donk's... What? You mean Donk like... You can't... I just invented a new nomenclature for the gag. So when you say Donk, you're either referring to your butt or your penis.

So if Donk became penis, it changes the song Hockey Donk for Donk-a-Donk to a whole new level. Yeah. It's a really weird... Hockey Donk, but penis, but penis. That hit song that he has. Oh, girl. Girl, you have many strengths.

You literally have a lot of, I mean, just pure leg strength. Just pure... I bet you're really good at, like, lifting things. Powerlifting, you have that going for you. You're not very good at finding online forums to ask questions in because you picked the worst one, but that can't stop you. Don't slow down. Is saying someone has lifter's legs a compliment?

If I call a lady sturdy, is that all right? That's not all right. No. That's not all right. Sturdy sounds like a phrase you use to describe a woman in the dust bowl. She's a... She's a... She's a hearty woman.

Hearty stock in her. Hearty stock. I'm going to go buy her a larder of Calico. She is hearty. Hey, if I want to buy a larder of Calico, the only way I'm going to do it is by the support of Maxfun listeners for Maxfun Drive. I know you guys are dying to hear about it. Let's pop it off.

Griffin, give me the big pitch before we get into the specifics. Why do we do this? We do it. It's not just us. When you support us for the Maxfun Drive, you're supporting us, you're supporting Jordan Jesse Goh, Jesse John Hodgeman, Stop Podcasting Yourself, Throwing Shade, all these great programs that are totally free on the Maxfun network, which are funded, I would say, only slightly by the promotions and money zone stuff that we do, but almost all of it comes

from listener donations, which is unbelievably radical. Since we joined the network last year and started getting the donations from the Maxfun Drive, we've been able to grow and do live shows and add more podcasts to the network. That is why we do it. We really appreciate your support. Here is how it works. You go to maximalfun.org for its slash donate, and you're going to have a few different options there for your donation.

Our lowest level, which is just our least expensive level, in no way changes how much we care about you for making this choice, is $5. That's all. I mean, $5 a month, and you can do something really great for us and also for yourself because you're helping to support great stuff. Travis, obviously, when someone donates, they're going to get the gift of entertainment. They're going to get the gift of feeling good about themselves. What else can we offer them?

At some of the beginning levels, $5 a month, the biggest thing you get, you get bonus episodes. You get access to content that nobody else gets to see. You're going to get special episodes with Jordan Jesse Go, Judge John Hodgeman, stop podcasting yourself, My Brother, My Brother Me, and the new one, Throwing Shade, along with three rift movies where we take some of the old educational films and just mock them. You will want to hear our bonus episode. Yeah.

Our bonus episode has a super special guest. At the $10 level, you'll receive Max Fun friendship bracelets along with all the content. You'll get the friendship bracelet, and it's a way to show the world that you're a friend to Max Fun. Just like when you wear a carnation on a date, you will be able to recognize rad people by just by one glance at their wrist. Think of it as like a WWMBAMD bracelet. A-J-J-GO, A-J-J-H-O.

Keep all those characters in your head at once. So these thank you gifts apply only to new monthly donors. If you're a recurring member whom we love so very much, you're still going to get the bonus content, and if you're at the $10 level or above, you're still going to get the Max Fun friendship bracelet. But for all of the levels that are higher, you will need to increase your monthly membership level to get those thank you gifts. I really like Max Fun Fun.

I love MBMBAM, I love Throwing Shade, the new program. I want to give $20, $35. I can do that. Well, let me throw this phrase out to you, Justin, the Diamond Friendship Circle. Those are the best, Jim, that there is. You can join the Diamond Friendship Circle and you'll receive a shiny new stainless steel water bottle and a handy on-the-go size screen printed with our simple and tasteful Rocket logo.

You'll also get the friendship bracelet, all the content, the rift tracks. Let's go back to the comedy for a little while, and then after that we're going to play by the $35 level, and it's really going to take your breath away. It'll be like that, like an audible gasp. You can read about all of the donation levels and gifts and everything you get for supporting us at maximumfund.org slash donate. Please go check it out. We really do need your help to keep growing the show, and we really appreciate it.

What's the best way to inquire to a potential employer about a job? I am doing everything I can think of to get this potential employer's attention and make me a valuable asset for the company in the future. How often is too often to inquire? I just do not want to be forgotten. This particular job is something that would revolutionize my life. It is something I would want to put my all into. That's from Erin in New Zealand.

I think you were raised, every time that I ever applied for a job or anything, mom and dad always encouraged me to call and check and be like, hey, so I was just following up on my application and resume and whatnot. Now that being said, eventually when I became the person that was interviewing people for jobs, I hate that shit. Yeah, God bless it. It's so terrible, especially when they call like the next day. And you're like, I haven't even thought about you in 12 hours.

Give me some time. The fact is, the fact of the matter is, you got to make that big first impression. You don't get another chance. If you make the right first impression, and I'm not talking with a cold application, I'm talking about with an interview or whatever, you got to make that big first impression because if you do it right, it'll make that person, they won't be able to stop thinking about you. It'll be all they think about.

They'll want you to come over and braid hair and stuff. You got to get that first impression rose, which is, of course, the rose that you get on the first episode of The Bachelor. You can't talk about The Bachelor anymore. This is what I love about his show. Before that dude talks to anyone on any substantial level, he gives someone a rose, like, yeah, you can stick around, just based on how they hit him, how the light catches them when he first sees them, like, ah, yeah, she'll do, she'll, yeah.

She's great. I love her. She's a sturdy woman. She came in on a horse. She could stay. They do something similar on Flavor of Love, except Flavor Flavor throws a can of beans in her face. It's not a classy show.

It's my first impression beans. Please help me be relevant. I'm forever slipping over that precipice. That show has been on in the last five years, right? I think it's still being recorded. It's just not airing anymore. It's just called his life now. It's just his day to day.

I mean, I think one follow up is like, you should be able to get a pretty good vibe from it. If they're stalling you, then I think that, yeah, but I think it should be the same as like the getting a girl's number, getting a guy's number. It's like, don't call, like, that day or the next day because it's probably an interview process where they're interviewing more than one person for the job. So they're probably not all taking place on the same day. So give it like four or five days.

Can you, why don't you watch the TV show, The Pickup Artist, and then use the skills that you learned from that show on your potential employer? You know, Griffin, you joke, but as someone that's interviewed, like countless people. You like to be seduced. Interview skills have so much to do with that. It's the personality, eye contact, being engaged, you know, like answering the questions that's asked you being prepared, all of that dressing the part, don't roll up in jeans and a t-shirt. Yeah, that's actually really important.

Don't go, don't go turn it into job application if you're not dressed classy, dressed like a gentleman. But don't overdress either if you're going like a retail establishment and you wear like a suit and tie. People are going to think you're making fun of me. That is the first thing they tell you on The Pickup Artist. Dress over, but not under, but not too over. I think it's like, it's sort of like with sales or anything.

Don't check in just to sort of keep yourself top of mind. Check in with an intention. Check in and say like, I'm going to move this process forward or die trying. So don't call and say like, hey, I just want to remind you I'm alive. I wanted to call and get this interview. Let's get this set up because I know you want to move on this with me. I know you're into this as much as I am because if you show that kind of enthusiasm, that says like, hey, let's book this job.

Let's do this. I like this suit. You're looking thick in those jeans. Who's your friend? I'm not interested in you anymore, but now I am. You want to drink? Come here. Is that a direct quote from The Pickup Artist Griffin?

That's actually the poster catchphrase. How is that again? What is on the poster? You look thick in those jeans. Who's your friend? I'm bored with you now. Now I'm not. You want to drink?

Come here. Now, eight o'clock on its TV. Mystery. Mystery. Come get it. Pick a artist. Have you seen the hat that guy wears? It's the best hat.

You got an Excalibur. It's true. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yeah. This Yahoo was sent in by Catherine Burgess. Thank you, Catherine. It's by Yahoo Answers user Waldo who asks, is it possible to marry someone without them knowing?

Oh, no. Like, get them to sign a paper saying you're married without them actually being aware you're actually getting married. What if you've actually never met this person? I want to marry Liam Payne from one direction, but I've never actually met him before. And if I ever do meet him, could I have him sign like an autograph that's actually marriage papers? How?

Also, how do you cure a phobia of spoons? What? Additional details. Wait a minute. I don't have a fear of spoons. It's Liam's phobia, duh. I think maybe if I can help him cure this, then he'll marry me. Also, congrats on your marriage to Neil Patrick Harris.

I heard he's gay now. What? Who? Hold. Wait. I don't know where to start. There's so much going on. First off, who is Liam Payne?

Who was one direct? Is that the fucking Glee Club on Glee? Oh, wait. No, wait. Is it? No, no, no, no. It's a British boy band. Oh, thank god.

Wait, is that better? It's like take that or the Beatles or many more. These guys are the famousists and I've never heard of them. How famous are they? Can't be that famous. Is it spelled right or is it spelled like W-O-N-D-I-R-E-Z something? You guys are my metric for this stuff though. I'm 31 years old.

If something's huge and I haven't heard of it, I'm out. There's five of these little creeps and there is a Daily Mail article that the headline for which is One Direction to have 20 bodyguards each for their Dallas performance and it only lasts 45 minutes. That's not a very good headline though. If these fools look like they're like 12. They've got 20 fucking bodyguards each. And they've all got to learn the dances.

This is ridiculous. This is the tough part. So this girl wants to marry, let's just say Davy Jones so I can wrap my mind around it. Well. Alive Davy Jones and his prime. Okay. Okay. She wants to marry Alive.

That's something from my time period, so I can relate to. She wants to marry Leif Gallagher. Is that like Leif Garrett? I love you, Leif Garrett. I love you, Leif Garrett. I'm sorry you are so bummed, Buss Boons. I'm not crazy about them either. Can we get some sports up in here?

Like I will never serve you soup till death do us part. I promise. I love you. You are missing the best part of this question. What is that? The vehicle, the mode, the method which this person could take to get a signature on a marriage license. You're right.

You're right. I mean, I need you to sign for this package. You could do the classic full house like scoot up the front page on the science fair form and then they sign it and it's like oop, field trip to Rome. That's a good one. Come on, Comet. Bye. Ciao.

I'm riding you out of here, Comet. I pretended, by the way, just now that Comet was a luck dragon. Sorry. You can't trick someone into marrying you, Baba Yaga. That's not how that shit works. You trickster, you naive. What sound would that person make if it worked? Would it just be like an audible sort of whoop?

We're married. The person who's been tricked or the trickster? Oh, the trickster. The person who's been tricked is into indentured servitude for the rest of his life. She would probably just yell like, I'm your wife now and then one of these fool's 20 bodyguards would murder her, just like take this shot right there and then he would be a very young popular widow. I'm the most famous widow that there is.

The only way you can separate yourself from the rest of new direction choices, the rest of their bodyguards is by killing a fan that gets out a lot because people are going to remember that kind of dedication. That's why you need- Oh, and then carry one of them out. You think this is the first time this has happened? A bodyguard killed a fan? No, I think it happens a lot.

No, I mean- Or you mean secret marriage. A secret, a fan gets a secret marriage. Do you know Justin Timberlake is like fucking Cody from Sister Wives because he's got like 20 secret wives. And that fool will sign anything. Yeah. He'll sign anything for you.

JT, you haven't stopped signing things. Why would you- Why would you consider signing a baseball card? You don't even play baseball. What are you doing? Why is all these people in my house? Ah, signed it away? Nope, just getting punked by my good friend, Ashton Kutcher.

That was a real episode. That- What? That was a real episode of punk. Did he sign his- Did he sign his- Signed a fake wedding? No.

I think A-Cutch just rolled up in J Tim's house and like started like taking all his shit away. And he's like, sorry man, you got repossessed. It's not really Jermaine. Let's move on. No, no, Gryffindor. Continue. How's the girl play out?

By all means. Yeah. He's like, no, don't take- that's my car. He takes his car and then A-Cutch comes out. Why is he so sad? I gotcha. Sign this. That was the name of the show on MTV A-Cutch's I Gotcha.

Sign this. Sign this. Sign this, please. They probably actually didn't have to sign this. Sign this half of David. Oops, we're married. Gotcha. Again.

Sign this now. Sign another thing. Why does he keep falling for it? That's my question. He's not very smart. No. God damn, he can dance and act. And well, dance.

And sing. And sing? He's a triple parent. What can he do? Stop signing things. Stop signing shit. He can't be legally, fiscally responsible. That's why he's his own- he has lost his own power of attorney.

He actually cannot sign anything. It's not legally binding. If he signs it, it has to be his manager, Lou Perlman. I don't- what? No. Go on. No, you're right about everything he just said. Hey guys, how do I break up with my D&D party?

I'm really busy and I haven't been having much fun lately. I like my friends and my dwarf is kind of a big part of the party. But I don't have the time to play and I don't know how to end it. Please help. And that's from Badkins. Hi, Badkins. Hello, Badkins. First off, Badkins, why don't you invite me to your group?

I'm in Huntington. You're in Huntington. Let's do this. Let's quest. Let's quest together. Badkins, the answer is so obvious. It's right in front of your face. It is time for your dwarf to start playing fast and loose.

That's exactly what I was going to say. Live like you were dying or want to die. Is that how that sounds? Is that what that song's about? Uh-huh. Have you seen this Jeff Bridges movie Fearless that's been going around lately? Go- that's the life you're living. You're just standing on the edge of buildings.

Like anytime there's a drag and you're like, hey, fuck you. Just like you're like, I'm going to solo it. Yeah, maybe we're Jenkins. Eat me up. Every few minutes and my dwarf wakes up from his bed and wanders off into a cave, bringing no armaments with it. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't.

Badkins, he doesn't. He doesn't do that. No, I'm pretty sure he does. This is what happened. Or he puts all of his armor on, walks into the lake. Oops. Or how about a completely like non-tragic turn where your dwarf retires from adventuring to start a life as a blacksmith and while your group continues to play in the dungeon,

you're off playing a separate game of balancing the books for your blacksmithery and trying to get some food on your family's table. He's out the game. He's out the game. You can't do this anymore. There's some natural causes that you hint at. My dwarf's brain feels funny. My dwarf smells burnt toast.

It's nothing to worry about for a while. The left side of my dwarf's face is numb. This is weird. My dwarf has just gotten a note from the doctor that says it's malignant. No, he didn't. He didn't do that. I'm the dungeon master. You can't just make up notes at your dwarf kids.

My cleric heals you. Oh, it's inmagicable. It's inmagicable. My dwarf can't stop peeing. Is that trouble? Do I need to see somebody for that? A magic doctor. What's that?

You do not actually have doctors? Well, that's pretty scary. I guess I'm going to die then. You got to kill him off. If you kill him off, then he can't be around on the adventures anymore. That's pretty obvious, right? Mm-hmm. I think the bigger problem is, now you can't tell people in your group to listen to our

show, and I don't think you really thought about the repercussions first before you did this. Justin, would you be up for a Swaparoo, a Swaparoo-ni? He taps in. He taps out. You tap in. I will take over as grizzlethorne beerbelly or whatever the fuck. I will be your dwarf now.

I will take over. You're a sickly, sickly dwarf. You're sickly to crimp it. He lost another tooth. He's on the inside. He lost another tooth. Damn it. Guys, I have to stop and put on my robe.

It's not magical. It's just terrible. He's got a chill. I've got a chill. I have to sit down. Can we rest, please? Can we please just take a break? I'm so tired.

The party notices that my dwarf has been having prolonged conversations with people he cares about and trying to give them things he owns. Is that a problem? You hit for one damage again. What's wrong with your bones? I'd like to roll to see if the treatment is working. Oh, no. No, critical miss.

Bye. Critical miss. Just... Well, you guys just name a sword after me. Just remember me some way. Keep me in your heart for a while and just... And wait for the appropriate amount of time before you hire another dwarf, please. Please.

And now, I'll do the sad hulk walking away music. I want you guys to remember me as I was, not as I am, and not as this disease will make me. I'm going to go spend some time with my clan. I just had the horrifying realization that this thing we are goofing about is something that has probably actually happened in a game of Dungeons & Dragons without Sans goofing. Like a real, someone tried to work like a natural death in their storyline and had to act it out to the point where like laying on the bed, like, I've always loved...

Bye, guys. My dad's here. My mom's here. I gotta go. I have a date. Okay? I have a date. There.

I know. I've been married for three years. I can't do this with you fools anymore. Please remember me as I was. And make sure that you take my jewels back to my fake in-game wife. And save my character sheet and cryogenically freeze my fake body. God damn, I miss Dungeons & Dragons. Yeah, man.

It's a good time. Can we start like a D&D podcast so I have an excuse to do this every week? Why don't we turn this... Is this something we can do over the internet? Let's just turn this dumb show into a weekly D&D session. We don't need to do advice anymore. Let's fucking go on a quest. We can do D&D advice.

That's the advice. Yeah. That's what our advice... Hey, we should do that as a bonus episode instead of our current plan. We'll just play D&D together and make people listen to it. I mean, I got all this stuff if we need it. This is getting too close to reality. I want it to be on reality.

I want it to be on and in it. Well, let's think about it. Let's not do anything too hasty. I don't want to rush into it and then later have to fake my own death. Oh shit. Fake your own death. Die in the game. I love it.

Fake your death in the game and then in like three months, smash into a window and be like, What's up, Twizz? But smash it through your actual friend's window. Yeah, right. No, no, no. Yeah, absolutely. You got to work that out with the DM first.

You got to say, Listen, I'm going to fake my own death and I want you to conspire with me. Well, I'm bumming myself out. What if I love podcasts? Okay. Okay. And I say, I have an extra $35 a month that I could donate to those podcasts

to help them out, help keep the funny coming. What would you give me in exchange for that? Well, I would make a case that you shouldn't donate to any old podcast. You should donate to our podcast network. Okay. Which is maximum fun. We have described the five and 10 and $20 levels at $35 a month.

It is the Judge John Hodgman's post-apocalyptic Justice Squad. For $35 a month, you get all this stuff we talked about before. You get the stainless steel water bottle. You get the friendship bracelet. You get all the donors only episodes, camp vats for the quality of the rest, but ours is going to be totally dope.

You also get our highly collectible, totally proprietary friendship emergency kit, which includes Maxphone playing cards, some Mad Libs, which is different from Sad Libs, two bubblegum cigars, two packets of Alka Seltzer, two temporary tattoos,

headphone splitters for your friends to share media, a box of Kashi Good Friends Breakfast cereal, best friends necklaces, and also a half bag of Tonks coffee. I'm sorry, I read that wrong. It's a donk large coffee. Yeah. Tonks coffee.

Can you tell me about Tonks Griffin? What is Tonks? I'm not familiar with the brand. I believe that is one of the wizards in Harry Potter with the Lady Wizard, right? Yep. The Lady Wizard went to make some coffee. She is a Lady Wizard and a Coffeteer.

Tonks is a coffee that gets delivered right to you and it's fresh and delicious, right? And it's fresh roasted with care, so it's none of that stale stuff that sits on the shelves that supermarkets forever. It's fresh roasted. And it's not that bullshit shit

that you put in, it's like a little cup, and you put the cup in the machine, and then it makes you a bigger cup of coffee. It makes Christ sad. And each one is like eight and a half dollars. Yeah. Tonks is like Netflix,

but instead of getting movies in the mail, you get coffee to do it. But you get a free half bag of that also. So it's everything you basically need to survive an Arctic expedition. And we would really, really, really, the support means so much to us guys and it helps us to do this show

and keep it running and do cool stuff like live shows and everything. And here's the important thing. When you donate, when you commit, when you support us, make sure that you tell them you're supporting my brother, my brother, and me.

Even if you don't like our show and you like the other shows better, we are Baptists, so we will guilt you in a way that you will not be comfortable with. If you don't support us with money, then we know that you don't love us. That's facts.

That's facts. That's love in our house. Ladies and gentlemen, we're passing the hat. It's time for you to tithe. 10% of you, just take your monthly salary, divide by 10,

give us one of them. Let's move on to the third stanza of our podcast. As long as we're keeping the Baptist theme. Being Baptist is so great to get all these jokes. Yeah. I have recently embarked

on the year-long personal crusade to shed a bunch of extra LBs. I've got a lot to lose, so I've broken it down into 20-pound milestones, so I have goals to plan against. And the first one is coming up soon. In general,

I fit the heavy set ponytail bearded nerd stereotype, so recently I had the idea I should probably mix it up at each 20-pound milestone, cut my hair, shave my beard, start dressing a little nicer.

Do you guys have any other ideas for potential me-changers, health style or otherwise that's trying to rock it in Rochester? First of all, good on ya. Yeah. Good on ya, my friend. I love this question so much,

I could faint. Getting it in 20 does. Get that shit. 20 does, you were getting it. Here is something that I, and it's an attitude thing that I actually learned from Jesse,

our podcast ad, and have tried to sort of implement it in my day-to-day life. And it's that when you're talking about stuff for yourself, grooming, hygiene, style, whatever, sometimes the quickest, cheapest way,

the most efficient way is not always the best, because you're sending a signal to yourself that stuff for you is worth rushing through or is worth cheeping out on. For example, here that I'm on board with is the wet shave.

You use a brush, you do the foam, you use a safety razor, it's great, it's how old men did it and it's how you could do it and it's awesome because it takes a little longer, but it also will save me

some money in the long run, but it's a real sort of like ritualistic way of approaching it and it's not the fastest way or the easiest way, but it sends a message to yourself that, hey, I'm taking care of me. I'm worth it.

And you're saying at this next upcoming 20 pound milestone, he starts the wet shave? I say start the wet shave, do a little research, you can look at the, put this on the episode that talks about,

I think the episode is just about grooming in general, but it'll tell you how to wet shave, there's a lot of resources out there about it, but get into it, it's fun. And also make sure, I love the physical appearance and caring about all that,

make sure that you're taking care of your mental self as well, so maybe on the next milestone, you try something, food or beverage related that you've never tried before, something a little adventurous, and maybe you find that you have

a great palette for wine or you really like Italian food, something new. Wait, hold the fuck up, Travis. What are you, are you saying, to reward yourself on this quest to lose weight,

what you should get into is wine and Italian food? Okay, let me strike that. Oh yeah, I lost 60 pounds, time to go to the OG and gain it all back. Time to carve up and slurp down. I will have all the fujul.

Let me see all the fujul that you got on your shelf. Well, just let me introduce myself. I'm fat again. Then, can I say art? Yes, not only can you say art, you should have said art. I'm going to double back

and say art. You can't. You can't. I can't. You guys edit out your shit all the time. He's right about that. He is not wrong. So let's say rather than food and beverage,

let's say culture, and maybe go to a museum or go to see a ballet or go to see a symphony, something you know that maybe you're not normally into and you just want to check out and see if maybe you dig it.

You guys are thinking so small scale. I am amazed at you. This guy is offering us a chance. Every 20 pounds he loses, he can totally and completely reinvent his entire persona so much so that his friends won't recognize him. Like, you lose 20 pounds,

cut your hair, shave your beard, wear sunglasses constantly and say your name is now Roz. Lose another 20 pounds? Maybe you go hit the tanning bag constantly and you bleach your teeth and then you change your name again to Brock. Or the Brock.

Or the Roz. Mr. The Brock. And then next time, you're going to be really fit. Maybe get that asshole bleached and let's see if we can't get a porn career going. Lose 40 pounds, bleach that asshole, regain 20.

Where are you at now? Your friends don't know which side they're coming from. Lose 40 pounds of fat, regain 20 pounds of fuck muscle. Get in there. What is that? Fuck muscle. It's what you use to thrust.

It's your thrusters. Your thrusters. You just got to get your thrusters going and your afterburners. I learned these. I'm going to take your hyper stress. Try a barrel roll. I learned these.

Our shields are failing. Girl, girl. Fire up the tacky on cannons. Oh, man. I need some more dilithium crystals. By which I mean meth. Of course, in that case, it'll be fuck meth. Because it's the meth that you use for sex.

I learned in school that every muscle is a fuck muscle or you're just not doing it right. What class was that in? Health school. What school were you going to? Health school. Health school.

You dummy. So, I like that. I'm excited about this. Man, in the midst of a change. Man, if you want to, keep us updated. Keep us updated. Let us know what your current name is. In fact, you know what?

I'm going to lay it out there more. I'm giving this man the greatest gift, which is accountability. If you don't send us pictures of you as you continue to lose 20 pounds. Fully clothed. And how you're reinventing. Fully clothed.

I can't stress this enough. Then you will have failed us. We're giving you the gift of accountability. We need you to get fit. Ross. And bleach that asshole. Don't show us that one. Don't show us that you can tell us about the asshole

and we'll trust you. Show us a receipt for the procedure. Unless it depicts an asshole. I don't know why it would. Is this your business card? That's disgusting. A gun over his transcript. It looks like he did just spend $80

to the asshole factory. Which is of course where you get new assholes. Fresh off the line. If you go to the asshole factory, you're discounting all the mom and pop asshole stores like asshole in the walls. But the asshole factory is really nice because they let the kids stuff themselves

and they get to pick different accessories for them. Build an asshole. Build an asshole at the asshole factory. This is a better approach. Do you want a yahoo? Griff. Yeah, I do. This one is sent in by Sydney Pendle.

Thank you Sydney. It's by yahoo answers user sleddog who asks, Why won't my dad let me have any Steve Urkel objects? I like Steve Urkel. But my dad won't let me have a shirt. A doll. Anything Steve Urkel. But I want Steve Urkel stuff.

What can I do to get Steve Urkel stuff? Who the fuck calls him Steve Urkel? If I knew where to get Steve Urkel stuff, you know what I would have more of? Steve Urkel stuff? Steve Urkel stuff, yeah. I would have it every day. People wouldn't know me as Justin McRoy,

video game writer and media gadfly. They would know me as Justin McRoy, the guy who wears the short that says, Did I do that? Got any cheese? Yeah. These are all great Steve Urkel jokes. I remember a kid in elementary school

who 100% did have a fully rad t-shirt that had a picture of Steve Urkel that just said, Did I do that? He was of course scooting his glasses up his nose. I have an important question for this question asker, which is besides a Steve Urkel doll and a Steve Urkel shirt, what the fuck other Steve Urkel stuff is there?

By the way, I just love the nomenclature Steve Urkel objects. Where can I find a Steve Urkel totem? This belongs in a Steve Urkel museum. I actually, in elementary school, I had a t-shirt with Cody from step by step on it. Didn't catch on so much. Didn't get me as much critical of a claim as a Steve Urkel shirt might have. It had Cody's hit catchphrase on it.

Which was? Yeah, right. He said that all the time on step by step. I did not. I don't remember that. I remember the episode that Steve Urkel was on. I'm going to give you guys, let's say that this,

okay, so apparently this person's never heard of eBay. I'm going to help them out and say like, here's where you can get your Steve Urkel stuff. So here are some of the items that you can no bullshit get right now. You can get a 1991 Hasbro Steve Urkel 17 inch doll that talks. And it does say here returns not accepted. I don't want this shit back in my house ever again. I'm tired of this doll trying to kill me at night.

This is the person who thought the Steve Urkel movement would be bigger and they just ordered like a wholesale on mass boxes and boxes of Steve Urkel dolls. Must move. Oh my God. You can get right now a box of an unopened box of Urkel O's. The fruit, the fun fruit cereal that does not contain any cheese but does contain essential vitamins and minerals.

And it is flavored like strawberry and banana from the fine people of Ralston. You can get that for a starting bid of $74.95. No takers at the moment. Wait, just clarify. Did you say opened or unopened? It doesn't matter Travis. Now there's also-

Porous is that cardboard is you are paying $75 to get diarrhea forever. There is a shirt that has a picture of Steve Urkel with like that cool sort of neon scribbling that was so big in that time period. It says no sweat my pet. Oh Jesus. You can pick that up and you can also get a WWUD shirt that says what would Urkel do on it.

Okay this is the last one I promise. You can get the Urkel board game called Do the Urkel Dance. It's just called Do the Urkel. It's a risk and roll game. Okay this is actually the tagline. The risk and roll game that lets you be Urkel. Finally. Thank God.

Finally. God we were into that huh? Yeah. D-Bin. Can you real quick just eBay search Cody from step by step? I will. I bet you can actually buy the man. Let me see what I get with-

No return. No return. No items. I'm so sorry. I mean where do you think step by step went wrong? Do you think the problem is that it just- it was family matters? Yes.

I think- That was their first slip up is that America's Heart- there's a family size hole in America's Heart which was profoundly filled by family matters and then step by step came in and was like hey can we just scooch? Can we? Nope.

Oh and then to be fair Cody did leave about two or three seasons in and was replaced by Flash who was on just massive amounts of speed. I think the problem was it was like the Brady Bunch except where you wanted to have sex with too many of the girls and it got pretty emotional. Unlike the Brady Bunch? I don't understand. Unlike the Br-

Oh yeah. Sorry. Plus you know what the other problem was? It was confusing to try to remember- Who was with- Which ones- Yeah. Who was with which family.

It wasn't that clip. Brady Bunch had it right? After a while they started like I guess like morph into one solid family unit and I hated it. I wanted them to stay on separate sides and continue to dislike each other forever and ever. You were looking for like a Game of Thrones style family battle.

Mm-hmm. Do you think that there's a separate side series to the Brady Bunch that features the two parents that they divorce just living cold lonely lives where they never see their children ever? Here's a story about a guy named Jeff and a lady named Mary. They never meet and then they died.

So alone they never heard from their kids again because their kids have new brothers and sisters. Their kids never mention them. They seem to have forgotten them or that they ever even existed at all. So Jeff and Mary live lives of desperation renting movies at the Red Box. And that's the way they became depressed

and forgotten, dead and forgotten. They are dust now and their memories evaporated. It's like they never were born. That was dumb. Oh man, that's a tough life they led. We sure do have a good time here and my brother and my brother and me.

Well, let's get serious. Well, let's get serious. Every year. Hey guys, we've had a lot of laughs today. Every year. Julia White dies a little bit more. Just trying to get that comeback. We really need your money

so that we can go on eBay and buy some more Steve Urkel stuff. Will, other than Dancing With The Stars which is where he is right now, right this second, will Julia White ever be on another hit television program? The Bassler.

You know the madness that would ensue if he were to roll up on... I don't... Literally anything? Like what would be the show? Where would he have to... It would have to be Big Bang Theory, right? No.

Like he would have to roll up on Big Bang Theory as Steve Urkel. No, I don't want... As a professor at the... Oh my God! I would lose my mind. Not that I would see it, but I would presumably see it later on YouTube or something.

I will also accept a community guest spot. I'm saying... I want him to explore his dramatic roots and I want him to like maybe hop on Southland as like... I'm Detective Humphreys. Everybody else is like, no, you're definitely not.

Guys, we've had a lot of fun. Just... We're about to wrap up the show, but just real quick, the last few gift levels. If you donate $50 a month to our Max Fun Drive to help support the show

and keep us afloat and aggro and $50 a month, you are a member of the Thorn Family Blondie Brigade. You will get all this stuff, the John Hodgson Friendship Emergency Kit, the water bottle, the friendship bracelet, all the donors-only episodes. You will also get a batch,

a homemade batch, I should say, of Jesse and Teresa Thorn's signature blondies. They will FedEx these blondies to your door. I hear they use special preservative chemicals in it to make sure the blondies don't get riddled with... with male worms. You are gonna love eating these with your mouth. So sweet, so savory,

from famous people. You are gonna love them. I guarantee it. That's the $50 a month. $100 a month, you're a member of Jesse's Golden Eagles. You get an invitation to the Max Fun Dinner, which is a thing we do every June

when more Max Fun Con starts, where you get to just eat dinner with us and with John Hodgson and Jesse and Jordan. Well, we don't know who will be. We can't promise who will be there. Last time, me and Griffin had dinner with John Hodgson and Chuck Bryant from Suff, you should know,

and it was great. It was totally rad. Neil Pollock was there? It was bananas, actually. So you get that, you get the blondies, you get the friendship kit, you got all the friendship bracelet in the episodes, and if you really want to keep us lined

with piles of sweet coca, you can donate $200 a month and join Jordan's Platinum Angels. You get all this stuff, the invitation to dinner, all that stuff, and free registration to next year's Max Fun Con, which is Max Fun's annual convention

that we are going to be at this year in June. So just go to maxfunfund.org, forward slash donate, and just look over the levels, reach into your heart, grab the love that you have for us that's in there, and then pull it out,

and then put it on your computer screen, spin it on it. And guys, do us a favor. After you listen to this episode, go on Twitter and let us know when you donate because we like to know that you're supporting us

and make your friends feel guilty. And you could be superior over everyone else that has not donated. That's the big thing. If you use that Max Fun Drive hashtag, just be like, hey, listen, fools, I donate it, and then start bullying other people into it

because that's the whole point of feeling superior, I thought. Don't get on Twitter, though, and use that hashtag and talk about how our big Corpo sellouts. Because we really only do this once a year, and the return really is overwhelming, and we just love you guys so much.

Thank you, John Roger, for sending us questions, and let's use their song, It's A Departure, Off the Output Today's Bed. You can go grab that. Thank you to everybody tweeting about the show

and sending us questions and everything. We love you very much and we appreciate all that. And if you want to send us a question, it's mbmbamatmaximumfund.org, and we will try to answer it or you can send us a Yahoo there

or what have you. Griffith. This final Yahoo answer was sent in by Mark Touretzky. Thanks, Mark. It's by Yahoo Answers user Corin Piper Chafinch. Fuck.

Who asks, Is it normal for a woman to arrive on a date dressed as a clown? I'm just a McElroy. I'm just a McElroy. I'm a McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This is my brother,

my brother, me, kiss your dad. She'll wear on the lip. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. These stacks, these girls are smart.

Play your part. I listen to actually every show on Maxfund. You could say relentless positivity. I think that's probably a good way of putting it. They're always looking at things in the way I'd like the world

to be looked at. Hi, I'm David. And I'm Lindsay. And we donate to Maxfundfund.org. Probably my brother, my brother, and me was the first full episode I listened to.

Yeah. Mabin Bam was a pretty great way to start her off because those McElroy's are charming. Listen to people be friends. Best thing. I'm super excited about throwing shade and it's so funny

and it's so charming. Yeah, honestly, I feel like every year Maxfund adds new shows and every year I step up my donation to make sure that more shows can join. Yeah, I think it's really easy to support people who make fantastic things.

I get a ridiculous amount of entertainment for Maxfund every month and it doesn't cost me a lot. Support Maxfundfund today. Just visit Maxfundfund.org slash donate. Thank you.