My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 18: PB&C

Episode Date: August 16, 2010

We're back, and arguably better than ever. Well, in the sense that we're a week older and wiser, and now Griffin also has a good mic, and we're telling you, Sally, August is just our month. Not too hot, not too cold. Just the right amount of dryness.Suggested talking points: A beautiful mind, a series of plateaus, hosteohorosis, dominIQUE, wedding krump, a needy crotch, pecking, a fleshy acorn, this big hollow bitch

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? If you change your mind, on the first in line, honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go when you're feeling down, if you're all alone, when the pretty birds have gone, honey, I'm still free. Are you aware of the eyes of August?

No, I don't think so. I think you're exactly where you need to be. Today is August 15th, and you're listening to my brother, my brother, and me. Well, you probably won't hear it until the 16th, but God, the 15th. If you've heard it today, today's the day where it's really fresh. This is an advice show for the modern era. I am your semi-host, one of three hosts, Justin McElroy. I'm another partial host, half-host, third-host, Travis McElroy.

I'm quasi-host Griffin McElroy. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one, Tim. That was the way. You and your words. Where you get them words from? Where you get all those words? I read lots of thesoruses.

Slow down. I didn't want a whole life story. Yeah, one of the words. You go ahead and keep that locked up, son. How do you guys feel about helping some people out with their lives today? Do I have to help them move? Nope, nope, nope. There will be actually no effort required, either physical or mental.

You just said the secret word. We'll always help you, just not with moving. Or money. We don't even help each other with moving. We can avoid it. Yeah. I've moved too many people in my life. Whatever.

Eat a big and you two bastards move like every few weeks. Right, Justin. I gotta throw him off, Justin. The carpet looked in one place for too long. The carpet looked to be wrong. Chris via Gmail asks, I find myself feeling horribly embarrassed when I'm with a girl who says something that doesn't live up to my exacting standards of wit and charm.

Where can I go to meet some intelligent women? I was honestly considering going back for my postgraduate degree in the hopes of meeting someone. I know that Justin is with us. That's a terrible reason. I know Justin is with a smart lady. Where do people like her go to socialize? Because I haven't met them where I'm at.

Chris. Gmail. Here's the thing, Chris. You're looking at bars. Nobody's smart when they're at a bar because they've been on the booze on the sauce. If I've learned one thing from Ernest Hemingway, the smartest people are the stupidest drunks. So...

Hmm. It's true. And he was impotent. My impotent's stupid there, but... My was what? He was impotent? It's pronounced important. No, it was impotent.

Impotent. That has literally nothing to do with this situation, but it's all I know about Ernest Hemingway. He may not even be impotent. Let's move on. I prefer Papa. That's how I always think of him. Yeah.

The thing about this question is of the qualities that are worth looking for in a person, I think intelligence is good, but I don't think it's like a number one thing. If that's what you're looking for for a connection, I don't know if that should be your number one standard. Intelligence is humor. It's relative. You know what I mean? Yeah.

There are people that have never read The Great Gatsby, but their street smarts, their common sense is off the charts. You know what I mean? A lot of my friends can't do math, but they're way smarter than I am. And there are so many people out there in the world who are wicked stoops, who are with somebody who's similarly wicked stoops. And they think, like if one of their girlfriends asks them, is he smart?

They say, yeah, he's got a beautiful mind. The way it works, you wouldn't even believe it. He says these things. I don't know where he comes up with them. It's beautiful. But really, he's just quoting Rush lyrics. He's really just quoting Rush lyrics. He's not from YYZ.

So Chris, to answer your question, just, you know, I don't know. Where do smart people hang out? Men's Starbucks. Don't go back to, don't go back to, I think Starbucks is not a bad idea. Do people really hang out at Starbucks? I do. Just to do, yeah, I'm there on the rack. I always thought there was a myth.

No, well, I go there to wheeze off the internet sometimes. Yeah. When you work from home and have literally zero human contact, you have to make a pilgrimage to the box. You've got to get the box to get that human connection. Sometimes I just, I don't even get a drink. I just rub up against people. And hey, no one says you have to be pursuing your graduate degree to hang out on college campuses.

You just have to be faster than campus police. Hey, Phil, there's a guy. That guy again. Who? The guy who's always with the wide-spread hat. That speedy one. He never has any books, ever. That's why he's so fast.

They're used to catching people with books, even have any. He just has sunglasses and a wide-bread hat. He's just hanging out by the quad playing guitar. Hey, I took a trip home. I go once a year. And my best friend of almost 10 years bailed on me the entire time. He has a new girlfriend, just moved in together. How do I handle this using the least amount of curse words possible?

I'm a girl, if that matters. That totally matters. Hey, that totally matters. Of course it matters. Let's break down the sentence structure here. Let's break down the actual question. The most important sentence in there? He has a new girlfriend, just moved in together.

I am a girl. Your friend did not bail on you. Your friend is protecting his relationship. Yeah, sorry, lady, but the whole, like... No matter how secure somebody is in their relationship, and I hold hardly with it, no matter how secure somebody's relationship, it is really hard for them to handle their SO,

or significant other, being friends with, especially best friends with someone of the opposite sex, especially if they're not also friends with them. Because for starters, they probably think they should be their bestie. They should be your best friend. And they should. And they should, you psycho.

No, they should be their best friend. So yeah, of course you're going to feel threatened. Of course it has everything to do with it. And what you need to know is, it's not that you can't still be his friend, but you have to be sensitive to the fact that he is, especially if he just moved in with his girl, they have reached this new plateau,

and they are getting used to each other and dealing with that. Be sensitive to that fact, and don't try to rush in and be like, why are you hanging out with that bitty? Hang out with me. You gotta be cool, homie. Hey, plateau is totally the best word for that, by the way. Yeah.

You can keep reaching other plateaus. It's like a series, steps are just a series of plateaus if you think about it. I think that's a great MB&BA motivational poster. Reach for the plateaus. My advice in this situation, my advice, I can't tell you to move away, but I can tell you to never go back home again.

Because you already did that. You already did the best that you could do, was move away. So you did step one, which is pack your bags and move away. Step two, never ever go home again. You're done there. They say you can't go home again for you.

That has become literal. You can't. You just can't. It's actually, you shouldn't go home again. What happened to my best friend, Jerry? It doesn't matter. He's dead now. He's dead to you. He's gone.

He's dead to you for all intents and purposes. They told me on this podcast that let's do that he died. It was very... Yahoo Answers user, Ashley P. This question was sent in by Twitter user, thatgarretkid. So thank you, thatgarretkid. Ashley P. asks,

is this true? My mom said that after you have sex, you won't grow taller anymore. Example, get taller. That's completely true. That is completely true. You're spitting out all your bone juice. Because it does some to your bones, right?

Yeah, that's what makes your bones, is your bone juice. They call it boning down, because it literally compresses your bones when you do it. Yeah, that is correct. And once you break the seal, you're donezo.

You actually start shrinking. Yeah. If you constantly keep licking all the time. You know how old people are really small? They only get like that because they're total sluts. Osteoporosis is more like hostio-hoporosis, whore. You old whore. You old whore.

You old whore. By the way, Rupaclanahan was three feet tall at her death. That's why she didn't do any more TV appearances. That's a fact. You ever see that episode where Blanche was like, I can fit through a mouse hole. It's become despicable.

It's too soon to joke about that. Is it? It's never too soon. It's a little too soon. Not so soon enough. It's too soon for her to hop back in bed with the guy after guy after guy after guy until she was two feet tall.

Didn't I go to bed with Rupaclanahan? She's gone. She's not gone. She's at the foot of the bed. She shrunk again. She's boning down that Indian from Indian in the cupboard. What the fuck, man? That's where he went.

Travis with those classic literature references. That's the easier guy. To be fair, I was just hitting the times by watching my audacity go across the screen and Indian in the cupboard popped into my head. I'm just going to go ahead and apologize. He just said the first thing. Listen.

We all need to get our heads back in the game. Yeah. I can tell we're starting to drift a little bit. You think? Where do you think that started? It's hard to say. Hey, I have a problem with my name. It's from Gmail.

I'm going to guess it's from Sarah from Gmail. I have a problem with my name. I find my legal name, Sarah, to be too boring. So for years, I've gone by Sashi, pronounced Sashi. Sorry, I shouldn't have read that part. However, people seem to be easily confused by my nickname. I've seen it misspelled myriad ways.

Sushi, Sasha, Sashi, Sashank. Perhaps more frustratingly, people tend to think it's a man's name. What should I do? Become a more boring person to fit my legal name, undergo a sex change, or legally change my name to Sushi. Help, Gmail.

Where does a sex change come into the equation? She just wanted to slip that in there. That's what she's really asking about. Listen here, Sushi. Don't get a sex change. That's not going to help your problem at all. I think Sarah is an okay name. But maybe that's the problem, is that it's just an okay name.

There's so many of them. Listen, Hashish, there is never a time in your life where your behavior is dictated by your first name. If you're living your life that way, you're doing it wrong. Unless your name is dictated. Then you're just awesome. I really am of the opinion that half of the things that happen to you in your life are because of your first name.

Wow. I think if you have a dull first name, you've got to work harder to make awesome things happen for you. That's true. Does that make sense? If you're looking at a list, you're looking at a list of people who you're going to hire for a job. They're all equally qualified.

One's named Steven. One is named Robert. And then one is named Pygmalion. Which one of those three guys are you going to pick? The trick question, it's Rob. It is Robert. You got it. Damn it. Do you know why you pick Robert? Why?

I didn't. He's more qualified. I don't know. The problem that you're running into, Sasher, is that the reason people use boring standardized names is to save their children the embarrassment of having to explain their names to people and to help make their names a little more streamlined in their life experience. Let's say that.

You need to change your name. The problem with Sashi is, of course, that it's not a word. It's not. You can say it all day. It's made up gibberish. She's like a crazy person. So what you need to do is pick a new name that is a word already, but it's also your name. And I know that you came to us for this purpose.

So now we're going to go round Robin for you and suggest to you a new name that you can use that's going to be impactful. It's going to make a difference with people, but they're also going to know what it is. Griffin, let's start with you. What's Habib's new name be? Dominique.

Whoa. Yeah, let that one just roll between your lips. It feels so good to say it. Dominique. You have to say it like that, too, as if it's kind of a question. Hey, whatever happened to Dominique? The first five letters are all lowercase and the remainder is all uppercase.

That's how people will know. What I like about that is it serves two purposes. It can be her name and then the name of her clothing line. Dominique, it's her clothing line. Oh, wow. You have got upper level management written all over you, Griffin. I'm not giving her a name.

I'm building an empire. It's about a brand, OK? I'm, of course, going to go with Bennegan's because they closed so they don't need the name anymore, but people still have some pretty good feelings about it. They had a good Monte Cristo. I love it. I love it.

But here's the problem. It's not going to solve her being confused for a man problem. She's property of Bennegan. It's easy. I've got it. Well, I guess that is... I've got how to solve the man problem. OK.

Here's the name. Lady Farquhar Duchess of York. Now, why does that fix anything? Well, because it's got Lady and Duchess right in there. You think it's definitely... It's clearly a female's name. How about Lady Bennegan's? Lady Bennegan.

Lady Bennegan's of Dominique. How about TGI Friday's? Follow me. Follow me. I like that. You're going somewhere with this. OK. Applebees.

So you weren't going anywhere. You were just... OK. P.F. Chang's. OK. Speaking of people with names. Outback Steakhouse. This next email comes to us from Lask via Gmail.

That's fucking awesome. Pretty good name. I'm getting ready to pop the question, the marriage one. Thanks, man. I knew. Pieced it together. To my print. To pop the question.

To my princess. But I'm dreadfully boring. And she's made it clear that the proposal has to be special. Not some ho-hum. Hey, you want to marry me? Thing. Do you guys have any ideas how to make it sufficiently amazing, Dominique and wonderful?

I think, hey, you want to marry me is a great proposal. But get a sky rider to do it. Yeah. Hey, you got anything to do in like a year and a half? Want to get married? This is the one. Great. What if you faked your own death for two years?

Oh, my God. I love this. And then two years after... You have to fake your death on like whatever anniversary you have coming up. Two years to the day. On your anniversary, you come back with a wedding ring. She will be floored. But make sure when you figure death is something like really tragic,

where it'll take her like a solid three years to get over you. Yeah, because... You don't want her to start... It's got to hurt bad, man. You got to ruin her. It doesn't really wreck her. It's got to be her fault. Like...

Oh, yes. I told you to do the dishes. I fell over on the dishwasher. Like that dude's mom in Garden State. I have a better idea. Actually, Guy. Whoa. Whoa.

Make her marry you. You have your twin brother propose marriage, too, right? But it's actually you. But... No. Wait. Okay, there's some holes in my plan. There are some definite holes.

I think the main thing to do is to remember that she is going to be repeating this story to people over and over and over. And you're going to have to repeat it over and over and over again. And I cannot tell you how many people I've talked to. And I asked, like, so how'd you do it? And they were just, well, I don't know. It was just a dinner. And I was like, hey, what about this?

And they were like, okay, fine. And then that was it. And you need to bring the heat. It's not about being boring. And it's not so much about being creative, I think. It's about effort. You have to come up with something where it's clear you thought about it and put some work into it.

Let me suggest this last, this is not a joke. Look in your area in the yellow pages to see if there are any quartets or sometimes very large quartets. On my wife, the first Valentine's Day we were together, I had a 20-member quartet. They call it a very large quartet, which is funny. It's the best joke that people in large singing groups have. The very large quartet came and sang to her on Valentine's Day. Now, did I regret that for all the years following when I had trouble topping it?

Yeah, you bet. But that's okay for this. This is one where you can go all out. So I say call a quartet to do it. And not only think about what's in your area and what's available. Think about her. You know her pretty well. What it will make it specific to her and not a real in general, like, do you want to marry

me thing? What is a specific thing you can do that only she would appreciate? Yeah. Or you could do it. Do it. It's Coke did and get us to ask her for you. We are always here for this. If you need us, we are here.

Just don't. I've seen enough TV to know that you shouldn't hide the wedding ring in some sort of food item and a table like mashed potatoes. This Vichy swat is crunchy because Uncle Phil will eat it right up. Can I just say, I think in the mashed potatoes, though, if you're going to go with the food one, mashed potatoes is the best. Yeah. It's really sexiest.

It's easy to hide it in a pile of green beans. OK. Josh writes to us from Gmail says, I'm getting married this October. And of all the things I'm worried about, the main worry I have is dancing. The first dance, he means saying I have two left feet is putting it nicely. I'm more of a quadriplegic with one left foot and one club foot. That's kind of mean. It is a little means.

It's Daniel Day-Lewis getting married. What does being a robot have to do with it? I mean, my fiance has made many mentions of how we're probably going to go to the old high school dance route where we just hold each other and spin in a circle slowly. I can tell by her less than enthusiastic tone, this will not make her happy. I am too poor to afford dance lessons thanks to the wedding. And I'm wondering if MB&B AM has any tips or advice on what I should do. Oh, Jesus.

Josh. Oh, dance tips. Perfect, Josh. Hold on. Here we go. Sway. Let me give you, I'm going to give you a five word answer right here. Watch, save the last dance.

Step up 3D. That's the cheapest dance class you can get. Because at the end, you don't just learn the moves. You learn about the passion. And that's the important thing. Justin, you're married. What did you do? I'm a grown up.

So I held my wife's waist and she held my shoulders and we spun in a circle. Like that, guys, that's not boring. That's like what people do. Because I cannot, like seriously, if you guys choreograph a swing routine, the douche chills will hit me from hundreds of miles away. And I'm like, oh, what did they just do? I just got douche flu. I think you should freak dancer.

Yeah. Crunk that shit. In front of God and everyone. Just really start crumping and like just go to town on it. Just cramp it. Just cramp across the dance floor. That's the thing, right? Cramp it.

And don't let her know you're going to do that. Start really sweet and like swaying in like in a circle and then just go to town. Somebody help me. My new husband is having a seizure. Help. So many people do first dances at their wedding receptions. Like there's got to be other things that you can do to symbolize like you and I are together for revs, right? Right.

First arm wrestling. First, first staring contest is why I was thinking like put on a slow song, whatever, just go on the dance floor, don't touch and just have a staring contest. Yeah. First knife fight. Well, that might be a little grisly. Can I tell you it seriously? On the day when you are married, there's so much else going on and so many people there

that care about you and things like that, you will not worry about your dance. I promise you it will be like so low on your priority list. It's going to be fine. And if you're worried about your wife being bored by your first dance, there's going to be so much else. Yeah. There's going to be so much else going on that day. Well, I thought you were going a different way with that. Wow.

Yeah. You are. It's going to get dark brown and wear problems that are just going to branch off of that one. You guys should probably talk about it. Yeah. Ask and last ask Josh how he did it. So we're making connections. Hey, as long as we're going on this romantic streak, I would like to pause at one from Nyahu Answers.

Yeah. Okay. This one comes to us from Blue Devil ATV Racer. I'm so glad I worked that one out. Blue Devil ATV Racer. What questions could somebody like that have? I think he's got it all figured out. This question was also sent in by Mike Susek.

Thank you, Mike Susek. Blue Devil ATV Racer asks, how do I get my girlfriend to start to rub my crotch while we make out? I just don't know how to get her to. We've been making out since forever and I get excited, but my crotch just needs some attention. How do I go about this? Oh, Blue Devil, it's so easy. Let's put a little peanut butter down there. Oh, God.

Well, what you don't want to do is hide it in mashed potatoes. That's absolutely the worst thing you can do. I like how nonspecific he is. I don't care if she rubs my peanuts. It doesn't fit me in that quadrant. My inner of her right side. And you just want to start to do it. Just start from there.

She'll know what to do. Where the hair starts. Did you tell her it's sore? Try that. And then ask if she has any icy hot. Yeah. Can you rub that down for me? It's getting a little stiff.

What? From all my ATV racing. Why? I'm going to use... My crotch just needs some attention. That sounds like something a serial killer says. He's looking a little lively down there. What dialogue is going on between you and your crotch?

Hey. I'm down here too. Come on. Hey, Michael. I didn't want to say anything, but I could use a little attention down here. I'm feeling real snubbed down here. You and I used to be so close. I miss Deborah.

Remember Deborah? You remember Deborah? She used to rub, start to rub me. Frequently. So frequently. And you wouldn't even have to tell her that there was peanut butter down there. She wouldn't know. Holy shit.

What? God, people are... I don't understand these people who would ask this on Yahoo instead of just saying like, hey, rub my balls. It's important. It's important. I love you. I need some attention in my downtown.

Take me downtown to attention down. What's up? Dear Mbem Bamers, I have a friend that wants... We're simpatico. Can we just take a moment? We knew the exact moment to move on. I'll be over here. Hey, Mbem Bamers.

We'll do every other word, okay? I have. I'm not doing this. A friend that wants advice about her relationship, which seems to have become toxic. I don't know the guy. So can I really tell her to break up with him, even though I've never met him? Would that be overstepping my boundaries? Bitch, what do you think we do every week?

Do you remember the guy who was like, my friend is trapped in town and I need him to get him to move away, that one? Yeah. This is like the same basic principle of, yeah, you can totally tell her to break up with him, but be prepared. Yeah, right. You can tell anybody anything. Just this week, just this episode, we've told people to fake their death to really die.

And to put peanut butter on their genitalia. Yeah, so yeah, I don't think boundaries are a big issue for us. But we also don't have to see any of you every day, so that's an added bonus for us. This is the only thing I can tell you about advice like that. The relationship has become toxic. Okay, that's bad. But I would say for 99% of advice, people don't want it. What they want is someone to support what they already believe.

I really do think that, especially if she's not seeking out advice from you like, oh, I don't know what to do. She doesn't want you to tell her that unless she's looking for it specifically. Excluding everything that we say every episode, as a friend, your job is to give her the advice she wants and not the advice you think she needs. That's not how that works. That's interesting. Yeah, that's a good, you know, supporting her opinions is more important.

Now, if it's like, if it's, if you believe in your heart that it's bad, you should tell her that. You should tell her that you think it's bad. But people have to come in those realizations on their own, especially in bad relationships. People have got to realize it. I really think you've got to meet the guy first though before you can, because maybe things aren't going toxic. Like maybe things are getting a little bit stale. Maybe he's a super nice guy and there's something else that's wrong in the relationship. I just think it's kind of a blunt way to handle the problem.

And how serious can this relationship be if you haven't met the dude? Yeah. If you want to be my lover, you got to get with my friends. And it seems like she completely over, like just skip that step. Stop right now. Thank you very much. Whoa, you think he's radioactive? Yeah.

Oh, that's why she hasn't met him. He's being kept in a lead box. This is my boyfriend lead box. I've never seen his face. I can't hear him talk. This lady's friend is dating the toxic Avenger. It's got a little toxic. What you need to do is stay with that, because that franchise is coming back around.

Oh man, that garbage pail kids. It's a new day. Here's a quickie from Form Spring. A quickie from us, because it's going to be a quick answer. Yeah. Dear Bambino's, can you really have friends that are girls? After a while, I get really close to them and start seeing the possibility of more than friends' relationship. What do?

You're a terrible person. Ew. I'm not exactly sure what you're asking. I think he's saying that he tries to be friends with girls and then he falls in love with them. Is that right? Sure. Yeah. Hey, that's called biology, man.

Like, seriously. That's how we're built. We're built to want to propagate the truth. No, some people are built like that. I totally see where this dude's coming from. Some people are built like that, and it really is something that you mature out of. Yeah, that is true, though. I think that you can have more mature, cross-gender relationships as you get older.

And as you have more legit relationships. Yeah, and as you understand, right now, you don't understand how that relationship works. So you're starting to feel these nice, warm, fuzzy feelings, which is the friendship. Right. And then looking at a girl that you find attractive and combining those two things, you have to be able to keep those two things separate to maintain the friendship. Friendship is a good basis for a relationship. But the problem is, if you've been friends for a long time,

you kind of miss out on that flirting stage where you're getting to know each other, and that can be one of those exciting time relationships. And you're in kind of a weird spot. You're like ahead of and behind the game simultaneously when you start off as friends. But that is normal. Let's say that. And you can have friends. You just got to be a little older.

Yeah. And it's easier if you have a girlfriend already to have friends that are girls, but she will hate them. It's even easier. If they're uggos. If they're uggos. Yeah. Hey, that's your answer.

Yes, if they're uggos. And that's, hey, ladies, that goes both ways. Okay. And also, if they go both ways. Thank you for being great friends with them. I'm leaving for my sophomore year at college in a couple weeks, so there's going to be the inevitable Teary goodbye soon. Would it be weird if when that final goodbye hug, I pecked one of my female friends on

the cheek. We're extremely close. She's blown kisses at me before. I see it as a way to express our affection for each other. I just don't want to pull away from that post-peck hug and suddenly be weird between us. Any help would be appreciated. God damn it, Brad. Damn it, Brad.

Did you not hear what we just said? What we just said, it's like you're not even listening. How could you ask that? I'm so creeped out right now. No, don't be creeped out. That's a natural. It's because he uses the word pecked. Brad, I think you, if that's in your heart, there is nothing wrong with affection.

No one's ever going to think that's weird. In France, you legally have to kiss someone on the lips four times when you meet a new person. Did you know that, Brad? There's a lot of herpes going around in France. Just give her a kiss. I think if you're moving away, I think you should kiss her full on the lips and then put some peanut butter on your crotch and just see where it goes.

Brad, let me counterpoint here. That's weird. Because you will pull away and even if it's not weird, it will be weird because you will pull away and be thinking, was that weird? Yes, it is because you know who pecks people on the cheek? Old people. Are you old people? Are you not old people?

Are you ever four feet tall because you ain't that old? Do you know what? I'm going to start giving people kisses on the cheek. That's going to be my new jam. Like Justin, you hug people all the time. I'm going to start like when I meet people at like a convention or something, they're going to get a big smack on the cheek. That's going to be my calling card because I don't think there's anything wrong with

it. I think it's a sweet display of affection. Okay. Here's what we're going to do. We're all going to, you and the rest of the Mbem-Bem nation are going to start hugging and kissing people, kissing them on the cheek so much that by the time you leave, it's not going to be weird anymore. That's what I'm saying.

I'm taking it back. So we're going to take care of it for him? We're going to fix it? When you see us in public, by which I mean Griffith, just kiss him on the cheek. Unless you're a dude. Because come on. Lucky. The important thing to keep in mind is after that kiss on the cheek, no eye contact.

Oh my God. It's so important. You got to just get out. You just look away and go. And remember, it's open mouth, no tongue. For your first cheek kiss. For your first cheek kiss. And you blow really hard.

Maybe move up to the ear. Maybe give a little nibble. Maybe just find out. Smell her hair. Or don't do that at all. Or don't do any of that stuff. There's a hot girl cashiering. Is that a word?

There's a hot girl cashiering at my local hyper market. I've only seen her once and have not been through her checkout line. What can I purchase at her register to make a great first impression? Is there a sequence of items that will make her mine? This is a great question. People who want great questions, this is a great question. Jar of honey, box of condoms, children's movie. Fish oil.

Fish oil. It takes care of yourself. I would just walk up and slap down like a bag of kitty litter and stare her directly in the eyes and say, I don't own a cat. Here's an extra small condoms and then throw them on the register and be like, what? Confidence. Ladies like that. You have these any smaller?

Can I talk to your manager about special order smaller condoms that you're smaller size? You got any thimbles? Do you have any plantains upon which I can test these bad boys out? Little rubber things you put on your thumb to go through papers. That would be ideal. I'm more or less dealing with a gum drop down there. It's a little stipend, fleshy acorn. I don't think any of these things are going to work.

I don't think so either. Man, this is really bad advice. It seems good. It's going so well. Cosmo? Would that be cool like you're in a woman's needs? You know what would be fucking dope? What if you bought a whole bunch of expensive shit so that whenever the price came up on

the little monitor there, the price was your phone number? You would have to add it up super specific. But she'd be like, oh, this is $30,000, blah, blah, blah, blah. It would be your phone number, dog. And you'd be like, oh, that's so weird. That's my phone number. You should give me a ring sometime and then walk away without paying for it. But also I need to return all this stuff.

Good luck reshelving this shit. You should say maybe you can ring me up. What? And then she'd be like, oh my god, I'm a cashier. And you'd be like, yeah, I know. Put that stuff back. Yeah, I think the Griffin's got the best idea. The only other alternative is to wait until an old, like old, old, short, slutty woman

goes through her register. And then when she's like fumbling for her checkbook or whatever, you just say, oh, don't worry about it, ma'am. I've got it. Thank you for your dedication to this nation. And I think that would go really well. You fucked a lot of Marines. You old slut.

What do you guys think? Are we ready for the last question? Or should we do another? What do you think? Yeah, let's do one more. OK. Griffin, you pick. You're good at picking.

Let's see. Let's see. OK. This is not the kind of flow we would normally look for in a high energy podcast. We'll just slow it down until you pick just the right question. I'm reading. We got so many good questions this week. I want to thank everyone for sending us so many good questions.

You really got the hint. Now, let me say, we did get fewer creepy questions, but they became exponentially more creepy. And to those people, I say, no, thank you. We actually got a good one on Twitter that I wanted to address from Joe Martini. It's his Twitter username. I was just laid off on Wednesday. I'm sorry to hear that, Joe. And rather than seeking new employment, I decided to chase my dreams.

Good idea or bad. The important component here is what's your dream? Jet packs. Jet pack? If you're going to pursue the jet pack future and lift society up with you, then yes. That's good. Now, if your dream is being homeless, that's bad. That's a thing.

No one's dream is ever the manager of a local bank, which would be a fungibly secure vocation. And most people are, you know, I want to be Tom Cruise's best friend. I want to open a failing bar. That's my dream. Real middle of the road kind of establishment. I think that pursuing your dreams is always a good idea. Because you only go around on those big blue ball once. His big stupid orb.

Listen, dumb glow. Shoot for the stars. Big hollow bitch. Shoot for the stars. And even if you miss, you'll run into the moon. What's up, moon? I failed. You tub you hollow bitch.

I'm 95 percent sure. Shoot for the sky. I'm 95 percent sure. That's how that phrase goes. Yeah, something like that. So Griffin, I want to hear your last question. But first, I'll do a little housekeeping. Thank you, God.

We can't thank you guys enough. Seriously, you do not know how incredibly supportive you've been. We have gotten so many people spreading the word about the show. Really how we how we increase the size of our influence is by is by adding new listeners via word of mouth. You can always put us on speakers and blast us as you drive through your neighborhood. That's good. Tell a friend. Tell an enemy.

Tell a loved one. And you'll love them more as a result because you'll bond. If you want to ask us a question, if you want to seek out our advice, it's at mbmbam.com or all the different methods. You can you can email us mbmbam at gmail.com. You can call us. Griffin, what's the number? It's oh God. I'll tell you in just one second.

OK. Keep talking. OK. You can hit us on Twitter. We love to see a two zero three mbmbam one. OK. You can hit us on Twitter. We like to we love to see questions on Twitter and quotes from the show.

Always make us laugh because we forget the dumb shit that we say. And just so everyone knows secretly, I'm keeping kind of my head of which whose quotes get tweeted more. Yeah. How's it going? You're going to have to check my math on this. I got a leg up and sweating. I got a leg up last week because so many people tweeted the anorexic balsamic thing. Yeah.

But that was the funniest question we've ever gotten. So that was understandable. Yeah. So also still on the site, you can buy if you want to if you want to get active, like get involved. You can buy a t-shirt. We have a logo t-shirt and a shirt that says, hey, Jeffrey. I know the site says pre-order, but they're not pre-orders. They're they're actually on sale now and they have them in stock.

They just started shipping, too. Didn't they? Yeah. They just started shipping. You should start getting them next week. They're shipping out in the order they were purchased. So if you got on it early, hopefully next week, you should be getting one. Make sure you send us pictures with you wearing them in dangerous places.

Or pictures of you not wearing them. Okay. Gross. That's that's weirder than a peck on the cheek. You you can also buy in BNB AM the App Experience, which is our iPhone app. So many people purchased that. We just got the numbers and people people really support it. There's a as of this listening, Griffin, is there a new special feature on?

Yeah, I'll put it on there. Yeah, there's a there's a new bonus feature on there. We put some little edited clips up on the App Experience. So you can purchase that in the App Store if you want even more. And you can listen to all the episodes and contact us with Insta. I just want to throw out we've been keeping track of all the Justice Stats Fats entries. Haven't been many. I have.

There haven't been many, but the ones we've gotten, I mean, pretty, pretty impressive. Well, one was an obvious lie because if you weighed that much, you'd be you'd be so totally dead. You would sink into the hollow earth. One person sent in a picture, which I explicitly told him not to do. I explicitly said no pics. So you wanted to prove it just not with a picture. I wanted to send a send an MP3 of yourself running up a flight of stairs. We're trying to find our fattest listener and reward them with a $2 voucher for iPhone app.

I don't know. I don't remember why anymore. If that if that helps, that'd be more palatable. So that's all the housekeeping stuff we have to do. The main thing is just thank you guys so much. You have no idea how much it means to us. Oh, thank you. Thank you to Bob Ball, who recorded our disclaimer, which we're going to start putting before episodes.

Yeah. So that we don't get sued by people who, you know, who do put peanut butter on their wieners and then like a dog bites it off. I do think that you should follow that advice. Yeah. And also let us know if you followed our advice, which you should never do, let us know how that went. Griffin. This one's going to be tricky. Yahoo Answers user Ashley asks, where can I watch the animated version of Bokuwa Imauto Nikoi Usuru?

I'm in love with my younger sister. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. And this has been my brother and my brother and me. Guess you've had school wear on the lips. You will never know me. I want to give you something like a birthday. I want to give you something like a birthday.