My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 21: Drunting

Episode Date: September 13, 2010

Look, there's one of two ways you can respond to our absence over Labor Day weekend: You can get angry, and demand an apology (which we'll happily give) -- but that's kind of a waste of time, isn't it? Let's go with option two, where we run, teary-eyed, into your arms, like prodigal sons returning to their loving fathers. Suggested talking points: The cost of labor, get your poke on, dong gnats, in which we sing Wilson Phillips, gender studies, Travis' nightmare diet, MILK, the WikiAnswers experiment, Super Donuts: A Counterpoint

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? If you change your mind, on the first in line, honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you've got no place to go when you're feeling down.

If you're all alone, when the pretty birds have come down. What friends is the price of labor? Sure, you get to take a day off once a year, on a Monday, eat some meat, see your kids or once. You should also miss out on my brother and my brother and me. Now, granted. Our most sacred holiday at my brother and my brother and me. Granted, maybe we should have warned people in the previous episode that we were going to be taking a siesta. I thought that Labor Day was such a cherished day.

I thought it would be assumed that we were going to take a siesta. What kind of life are you living that you know like a week ahead what you're going to be doing the next week? That's crazy. That's crazy. If we support one thing here on Mabin Bam, it's living in the moment. And in the moment on Wednesday, we decided Labor Day wouldn't work out. It was very impulsive. It's a gift.

That's why they call it the present. Oh. Mill that over for a while. Did you see how angry people got? Yeah. Holy shit, man. Like tear it apart. Why are they trying to download a podcast on Labor Day?

Why aren't they out drinking a Miller High Life with their buds and playing ladder ball? Here's a funny truth that you can take from what you will. We're recording this on September 11th. Yeah. So priorities, I guess. So who's mad now? Who's mad now, America? I put off my Patriot Day.

I forget what I do every year, but I do something and I put it off for you guys. You said you'd never forget. You're right. So let's get it crackalack. And this is, of course, an advice show for the modern era. And Labor Day aside, we still are going to cling to that, that ethos. God, I wish you guys could see the question list when Travis emails them out. It would be less.

It would be less crazy if he cut letters out of magazines and glued them to his scanner. I swear to God, it looks. It's just so many different things to get. Okay. Here we go. So yes. I have a friend whose last name is Mackle Roy. Should I trust him?

Given the fact that there was no new mobim bam last week, I wonder if it's all McRoy's that are liars or is that a particular trait reserved to the West Virginia McElroy clan for the spring? It's all of them. You son of a bitch. You know what? Take a chill pill. Hey, chillax.

Is that it? Is that our answer to that one? That's our winning. Oh, I thought you were that your inflection said to me that you were that you were going into something, but you really just wanted him to take a pill. Hey, form spring, pump those brakes. Pump the brakes. It's all good.

It's all good. We needed the real reason we took the day off is because I was traveling and Justin was traveling and Travis was on a four-day drunk. Travis was hunting and on a four-day drunk. I was drunk hunting. We took a week off. We did some spirit journeying, some literal journeying. Some killing.

I dropped some peyote and a desert. Can we address the fact that Travis just combined drunk and hunting into drunting? It's never been drunting. It's a pretty killer portmante. Every but there is no hunting without drunting. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm pretty sure those two things can't be divorced from one another. Yeah.

Although most of those guys actually divorce. Right. Interestingly enough. This weekend, me and my cousin, same age, are moving into our first apartment as roommates this weekend. It seems like he's already slacking on apartment responsibilities. We split up like getting certain utilities. What should I do?

Don't let that shit hit the fans. We learned the hard way to hold up his end or do I pick up the slack so I can have electricity in my new apartment? Rob. You know who I bet has a great answer for this? Griffin. Yeah. Hey, Rob, if you do hit, let shit hit fan, he is going to start cleaning up around the

place. Like if you throw shit into your fan. Oh boy. That mop too sweet. If you don't have electricity, the fan won't be on. So it'll just like hit the fan and then just like slide down. It won't have the, the, the buckshot effect that you might be hoping for. I, I find that like arrangements like these that I've seen in my life and you guys probably

have some more insight in this, but I think it works. Like, I don't think you should split up setting up utilities. Like, I think it should be, there should be one person in charge of like making sure all that shit is on point and then one person who has to write a check. Because if you split it up between two, it's not going to fly. In every apartment I've ever lived in, I've always been utility man. I don't know why, I don't know, I don't know how it comes down to that always, but like, I think it's maybe just, I have like a subconscious control freak thing and I

worry that if I don't do it, then the other people that I live with won't do it, which is a completely irrational fear. And the glasses. Except for maybe. Right. In any relationship, whether it's, you know, dating or living together or roommates or friends, there's always one person that's going to be more responsible than the other one.

And so it makes sense. Like, if one person was an amazing cook, why would the other person cook? You know what I mean? Sure. So you're more responsible. So who was that party when you and I lived together Travis? The more responsible one? It was you.

Yeah. You think? But that is because Justin and I have trained you from a very young age to do anything if we act like someone's going to die. Well, if we're like, oh my God, the phone. You'll run and answer the phone. So I just did that with electric bills. I'll be honest.

When you said that just now, I started to run into my kitchen. I realize that you got halfway in there. Realize. Hey, wait a minute. This is a trick. Um, yeah, I think, I think it's more important that you, uh, that you just take up the, the utilities charge and, you know, I think you can split duties as far as like all the utilities you mow the lawn or do the dishes.

Right. But what is important is that you, you do talk about it. Cause the last thing you need is to live with your cousin and like two months in, every time you see him, you imagine like killing him in the night. You know what I mean? Discussion. I'm upset with you. I am upset with you.

I have feelings. They live in this apartment with you. Is it weird? Nate on Gmail asks, is it weird that I've been Facebook poking an ex-girlfriend of mine solely for the fact that it's an excuse for her to keep me on her mind for quick hookups whenever she's in town relationship wise. We're a horrible pairing, but when it comes to getting down, it's crazy dope and seems like it's worth an ephemeral trip to the bone zone.

Not a Gmail. That's how I'm going to say his name. Not Nate. Not. Hey, let's say, um, it sounds like not a, you have a pretty good grasp of this relationship. Is it, is it weird? No. Is it despicable?

Maybe a little sleazy, but like, it's weird. It's not weird that you're boning down on your ex-girlfriend every time she comes in town, whatever. Like that's your bag. You guys have that arrangement. Cool. What is weird is that the, the exercise that you conduct in order to facilitate said boning is a Facebook poke.

I think you're, I think you're thinking of a poke for a poke. Maybe my, my like grandma like pokes me every now and then. Does that, is there a, Facebook pokes, please put that in context. Um, when you guys, when you guys get poked on Facebook, do you imagine yourself getting poked in the tum and doing a little giggle and squeal? Like that's the kind of poke I always imagined. I always imagine getting poked right at the base of the back of my skull and turning around real quick.

Hey, junk. Hey, junk. Turn around. I'm poking you. I don't think I've ever. I think, I think maybe I poked someone back in the sixties. I think it's been, I think it's probably been a while since my last poke and sixties Facebook was the best.

Do you remember that? Yeah. You know what we should do? I think the Mbem-Bem community should start just crazy ass poking each other. I think that pokes, I think that we need to get pokes going again. It's like hugs, kisses on the cheek, both of those are done out pokes on the new jam. I just poked you. Did you really?

I'll start poking people right now on Facebook. I have it open in another window. No. Wait, wait, wait. Speaking of Facebook, I have to talk about this. I don't think you guys got this invite to this, to this exclusive event. But I got an invite to a Mbem-Bem listening party that's going on right now. Hopefully.

Otherwise, I'm making a jackass out of myself in Jeff Mondloch's dorm room. Did you guys get that invite? No. I'm looking at this guest list. It's a high-class affair. People like Henry. Would you say exclusive? I mean, there are only five people attending, so it's either exclusive or just really sad.

Or both. I think it's a great idea. It's exclusively sad. So Brendan and Henry and Jeff and Michael and Robbie, I hope the party's going well. I hope maybe you're meeting some new people. Maybe you've got a dance mix. That you're playing. Maybe a little mingling.

I think this is a great idea. I think that listening parties are going to be a great way to spread the Mbem-Bem to your friends and family. Word of mouth is so much more contained and concentrated in a party situation. Just be careful because I've never heard of a Mbem-Bem listening party that didn't turn into a key party like right afterwards. Like almost instantly. You feel so smart.

You're on a knowledge high and then what's up? It's amazing how tight those Venn diagrams are. It's like 100%. That's what she said. I don't know. Yeah. Well, I wasn't sure. Now, ironically, I'll have to do a Venn diagram to see if that was funny or not.

I'm a 26-year-old male and have begun to notice a confusing trend. What's the proper way to greet an older woman? Griffin just demonstrated. I'm not sure we have to go to each other. What is the proper greeting? I noticed that recently when I greet women, they started kissing my cheek and not merely giving the hugs. I'm used to seeing that.

That's what I'm saying. Hugs out, kisses in. Do I go in and kiss them as well? Do I pretend the awkward moment never happened or do I punch them in the face like Travis is thinking? Please, Pat. I've seen an upsettingly positive response to Travis talking about punching women in the face during the last show.

What seemed like an offhanded comment has become a doctrine amongst certain sects. You tapped a weird, creepy vein and I'm not happy it exists. Someone heard that and was like, yeah, yeah. Finally, the voice happened when I started my own kind of fight club. Only it's not a fight club. No one talks about women punching clubs. They have women punching fight club. It's called prison.

Pat, you're missing out on the third option. Do I go in in case? Do you pretend it never happened? No. You make it even more awkward. When they break away, you make intense eye contact and say, I really appreciated that. I needed that in the worst way. God, that was really nice.

You smell exactly what I needed. You smell like the sweetest cocoa butter. That was nice. Look them right in the nose and say, just one. Just the one. You don't want to go back for a second scoop. I think the older you get, the more acceptable it is to have affectionate greetings. I think the more, does that make sense?

Like as you get older, the more affectionate your greetings become. The less viable you are as a sexual partner. Sure. I think that's something you earn. I think that's something you unlock. I think if all of us had our druthers, whenever we met new people, he'd give them seven minutes in heaven real quick. Yeah.

Just to suss them out. Yeah. Just to suss them out. But at my age of 23, I think I'm at like a mid-range hug. Not like a quick embrace, like you did in middle school, but not like the long 30-something. This means something hug. Yeah. I decided to skip straight to my 80s.

So when I meet new people, I say something vaguely racist to them and then confuse them for my deceased wife. Oh, like it. Yeah. It sets some people, like some people are like, oh, I don't know, that's a bit much. But some people really connect to it because they love old people. I tell them that they look like celebrities that have been dead for 30 years. I like that too.

It's like Claude Gable. Yeah. Who were those original? Yeah. Who answers a hard candy. This question was sent in to us by Cheesecake Jones, and I think you know what it is. It's a Yahoo! Answers question from Lindsay O'Malley, who asks, what does my son mean?

My son keeps saying something strange, and I can't find what it means anywhere. I'll ask him to do something and he'll say, Mom, I'm on that like a dong-nat. What does he mean? I searched on Google and got nothing. Is this a music reference? Drugs? I know people smoke dongs with weed, but I didn't find one in his room.

Help. Yeah, let me get one of those glass blown pipes and what's the biggest weed dong that you have that I can legally buy? For tobacco, of course. Yeah. I want to smoke tobacco out of the biggest dong you have in the store. Just the biggest one with a novelty name too. Help me out, Travis.

I'm sure you know more novelty dong names than I do. I don't want to play this game because any answer I give is incriminating. You always lose. You always lose this game. You guys are poking fun at this, but I think that there's a deeper level on which I am concerned and that is apparently Lindsay O'Malley's son has an infestation of gnats on his dong. He's the only one using this phrase that can't be a good sign.

If you Google dong-nat and nothing comes up, it's a medical problem. Is it possible that he has some sort of sexual fetish with rotten fruits that perhaps is attracting some unwanted aphids to his peace down there? Yes, it is. Nats are aphids, right? I got that right. I believe they're flies. Lindsay, I don't think you have anything to worry about except it sounds like your son

is sweetly retarded. Also, he's 35 years old. I don't know if that's a problem. Also, why does his crotch smell like a two-week-old golden delicious apple? Hard to say. Hard to say. Actually, Lindsay, it sounds like your son's pretty cool. I was just coming out here and my real life said that.

I would probably freak out a little bit. Well, here's the scale. 35 years old, it's a problem. 12 years old, coolest kid ever. Coolest kid ever. So, where do I, this is something Gregi, Gregi from Gmail, aboard Gregi from Gmail wants to know. Where do you find the motivation to finish a project?

I have a terrible habit of starting projects like Android apps, websites, games, etc. and never finishing them. There's not a game to play, a movie to watch or something less productive to do, so it's hard to finish random projects. Where do you find the motivation to build the empire that is Mbam-Bam? Are you kidding? Do you know how much motivation is required to poop out a show every week or sometimes not?

Well, I mean, yeah, really, I mean, it flagged enough that we took a week off, so. Two weeks off. Two weeks off. We're really bad at this. The thing with Mbam is, and part of what makes it, you know, we don't need motivation. Our motivation to do it is that we really enjoy it. That's kind of all the motivation we need. All that money.

All that. Oh, God, yeah. All that sweet. Sweet. Cheddar. Cheddar. That I buy with the money. These Siberian tiger puppies aren't going to pay for themselves.

Yep. Wait, are you Tiger's puppies? Are you writing your tiger again during the show? We said during the show you wouldn't. But he's so epic. Have Greg or Feed a Mistake and keep him out of the room for like an hour. Okay, hold on a second. Greg or?

Yes, no. Feed a Mistake. Greg, listen. I think I have this pit of energy that like in my belly that I can just reach down into. Not literally, but I visualize that like reaching down into my stuff, you know, and just pulling out the reserves that I need to get something done, usually accompanied by a power jam. That almost always does the trick for me. I'm going to preface this by saying that this might be something a lazy person says.

But if you don't have the motivation to do something, don't do it. Just chill, man. Yeah. Fuck it. Who cares? The end of the day. If you were to get hit by a bus, you're going to look back and say, thank goodness I finished that novel.

Are you going to say thank goodness I took that three hour nap? I tell you what. I really have a really helps motivate me and you might want to try this, Greg. Once you accept the inevitability and ever increasing closeness of your death, I think that'll really help to motivate you because like you don't want to leave this world without an Android app in it, do you? You don't. It's just around the corner, Greg.

Just around the corner, Greg. Maybe maybe pass in the Will and Grace marathon and get busy living. Fenerals in today. Or get busy dying. Or get busy dying. One of the two. Shawshank. Greg.

You just been shanked. You've been shanked, Greg. And if you got shanked, who would finish iFART for the Android? No one would. That's who, Greg. You are the only Greg we have, Greg. Don't leave us without your Gregness. Well there it is.

If that's not motivation, I don't know what it is. Also, and you can always call us, Greg. Also, speed gives you that extra, that extra boost you need. Just a little bump. Just a little bumperoo to help you bump finish studying for that exam. Don't do drugs. Don't do drugs. Don't do drugs.

So currently a senior in high school. I'm not. That's not true. But Kony is from Gmail. And Kony says, I'm in charge of making our prom go on without a hitch. Do you, as the Wizards of Cool, have any ideas for a venue, theme, or other advice? Underage drinking. Is that a problem?

As a theme. A scientific test. I think every prom is secretly themed underage drinking. It's themed, I snuck vodka into this prom in this shampoo bottle. What about the inevitability and ever-increasing closeness of your death? How does that grab you? It's not terrible. I'm trying to remember some of the themes of our proms.

There's stuff like Paradise City and stuff like that. So I think what you need to do is you need to find an awesome 80s metal band and pick a, and my advice, pour some sugar on me. And as people walk into the gym, you just dump buckets of sugar on them. What about a night of drunting, subtitle, the most silliest game, and you just have everyone drunt each other? No, no, most high schools. Most high schools, they actually, they forbid that.

There's like a two to three inch rule that you have to keep between. You can't drunt anybody? Yeah. Any orifices on two human beings have to remain at least two to three inches away from one another. That's the new law. So does that, you mean if you shoot someone and create a new orifice that you could actually get yourself in a catch-trade too?

Yeah, like that kid. Fair though, a lot of schools will allow bow drunting. Yeah, bow drunting is fine as long as it's a clean kill and you don't bring down more than I think 80 to 90 pounds of edible, edible meat, basically. It's a, there's a formula on most walls next to the sign that reminds you to wash your hands and read. Hey, how about like, can I say just Wizards of Cool? Wizards of Cool is good.

It's not like a Roland Emmerich themed prom. It's just a bunch of disasters going on. Whoa, I kind of like that. Yeah, like... Yeah, and I don't just mean the pimply faith kids. I mean like real disasters. Like literally like one corner could be 2012, right? So it could look like a big flood.

One corner could be Men and Bach? No. Independence Day. That's, that one would be obviously aliens. Yeah. Uh, you could have a Godzilla area? Sure. What about area where you drop the temperature all the way down?

Day after tomorrow? Yeah, loving it. I love it. This is, we, you have some good ideas. If you can't come up with something out of these, then maybe you are the problem. But Coney, all those are patented, so... Yeah. Any but those.

Coney, Coney, you have a great opportunity right now. What if you made it a Coney themed prom? Whoa. I don't know how you'd go about doing that. Just like big pictures of himself. Just big pictures of himself, like throughout his lifetime. And nobody's allowed to dance except for him unless they're dancing with him. Does that make sense?

What about... I think that's the greatest idea ever. What about an evening of Mabimbam? Okay. Subtitle, the only answer is slow dancing to Wilson Phillips. And it could be, and it could just be all about us. You wanna turn around and say goodbye? Goodbye.

Say goodbye to them baby. I'm gonna let them hold you. Gotta make you cry. Don't you know? Don't you know? Don't you know? Things are changing. Things are going away.

Things are going away. If you hold on, no one will. But what they... Wait, you went into an air never. You went into a fever, bro. Wait. What? Air never.

You crank it. I'm an unemployed mathematician. I send out resumes weekly to new places and haven't gotten a phone call or email back. My resume has a standard education, work experience, special skills, references, etc. I'm in an odd place where I am too educated for some jobs and not educated enough for others. Dummy. Since I have a master's degree, I can't get a job as a secretary or something like that

because they know I'll only be there until something better comes along, okay? However, I don't have the experience needed for a lot of jobs because I taught for the last four years and don't want to teach anymore. So what can I do to my resume to get noticed? Or should I just give it up and go get a PhD? Any help is appreciated. Sad math girl. Let's see who that's from.

Which is nice. We asked that people send in nicknames. That one's kind of depressing. That one lands on the depressing end of the spectrum. But I suppose it works. Hey, I have a theory, sad math girl. What do you think about stop introducing yourself, both in person and in your resume, as a mathematician? Because I read that.

I was just like... A snoozer. Yeah, right. There's no rule that says you have to put anything on your resume. So if your resume is like, this is too impressive, dumb it down. How about a... Dumb it down. A magician or a numerologist.

Both of those, I think, have a little bit of extra flair. I think that one of the real practical ways that you can pat out your resume is to take fencing classes. Now, stay with me. I think that if I was looking at a stack of resumes and you look at the experience, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you look at the bottom, extracurriculars and you see, whoa, fencing. Then you start to construct a whole fantasy about this person because they're a sword fighter.

They're at that fight with swords. You wouldn't want them on the team. I don't want to poke holes in your thing. I would wager that 90% of all mathematicians or members of the mathematician community belong to some sort of society if you're creative inachronism. Meaning fencing is just old hat to them. They know all about it. Put on their resumes, swashbuckler.

Still maybe not. Maybe you list amongst your curricular activities that you're not a member of the society for creative inachronism. Yeah. I think that might be a good point. Just list a bunch of things that people would assume about you as a mathematician that you won't do. I won't tell you about integers or what I don't know about mathematicians.

I promise. My solemn promise to you. Some sort of coolness indicator, just not fencing, maybe a list of all the famous people that you've met. That might be kind of nice on a resume. You got to move away from this mathematician game because we've all got calculators now. We're done with math. As far as something we need people to be good at, no more of that.

We're past that. You got to style yourself as an adventurer who sometimes does math stuff. Ooh. Right? What do you think when India Jones hands in his resume? It says at the top like Professor Bullshit. Archaeologist. It says guy.

No. Archaeologist? No. It says dude who shot a guy with swords. Nazi. Indiana Jones. Nazi puncher. Professional Nazi puncher.

Sad math girl. Wait. Wait. What's that? Your only job is for an archaeologist? Yeah. I guess I'll take it. Exactly.

Exactly. You want someone on the team. Not someone who's good at math. Not someone who's good at adventure. Hey. Hey. Speaking of studies, here's a Yahoo answers question. It comes to us from Tweeler H who asks, it's very scientific too.

So try not to laugh because it is scientific. Why do women like to eat men's diarrhea in parentheses? Gender studies. Check please. Just check guys. Please, I'm out. Hey guys. Oh gosh, now.

Listen. I'm done. Last mub and bam. Chill out. It's gender studies. Oh. It's science. Oh, it's science.

Parenthetical. It's gender studies, guys. Chill out. With a bonus, like into the video, two girls, one cup. Uh-huh. Well. Travis, you went to like four psychology classes. Break it down for us.

People are weird. That's all I got. So you went to psychology classes and obviously not gender studies classes. Yeah. No. Well, it's funny that this comes up. Stay with me here, I promise. Oh.

Inevitably, whenever somebody sits around and starts listing off, you know, different random weird sexual terms like, you know, glass bottom boat and, you know, Cincinnati bow tie and things like that. The question always comes up, who actually does these things? Who does that? I don't think that that's true. And you're saying that people on the internet do that. People on the internet do that.

It was a phenomenon before the internet. No one did these things. But now you can't just fall off a table and expect to be internet famous. Is there any way that we can cut the internet out of the product that we make here at Mub and Bam Industries? So like we can bail out audio tapes. Like cassettes? Like individually.

Yeah. I love that. Get churches to like store them on a wall. I love that. I have a different number. I really love that idea. It's just the internet makes me so uncomfortable. Like everything about it goes against everything that I, that makes me uncomfortable.

I know you're afraid. I know you're a mathematician, but I see an entry on your resume here for gender studies specifically relating to why women like to eat men's diarrhea. Can you explain that a little bit? Hired. Was that your hired? Was that your focus? Was that your minor?

You're hired. Let's move on. I'm grossed out. I'm grossed out now. My girlfriend and I can never pick dinner easily. We've tried setting up alternating nights of who picks dinner, going through all our options together and even picking out recipes and restaurants and assigning each one a side on a d20 and then roll for dinner.

However, each night still ends up with a 30 minute conversation on what we, regardless of our methods of choosing, is there a better method to choose dinner? Almost certainly. There has to be. Are we just doomed to an external existence of not knowing what we're going to eat or can the greatest advice cast let us know what to eat? The peckish pear. That's the best one yet.

This seems to be a way is what do you got? Yeah, what do you got in the house? Because I tell you, I'd love to eat steak every night, but most of the time I have frozen chicken rings. What the fuck? Chicken ring. Get right out of town. Can you can you elaborate?

Well, it's like a tender that has been bent into a circle and just in case you want to wear it like a bracelet for snacking on the goose. You stack them on your fingers like rings and then you eat them off while pretending to be Russian. That's horrifying. Whatever happened to that middle brother that used to be on that show, didn't you hear he ate chicken rings almost exclusively and died at the age of 29? And here's the bad news.

They've made me sick every time I've eaten them and I bought three bags of them. I just can't stop. We need to have one entire episode just solely about Travis's diet because it is haunting. Do you know what I ate yesterday? I ate an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Fried Stonokite. Travis. That's it.

And then a Dr. Pepper and cookies and cream ice cream float. Tell everyone about your regular breakfast meal because that's the worst thing I've ever seen a human being consume. Well, like when I do a full breakfast? No, no, no, no, no, like your bagel, your bagel monstrosity. My bagel monstrosity, like when I do an everything bagel with mustard and cheese and banana peppers and meat, that kind of thing. Yeah.

That's a hearty breakfast and also lunch and dinner. That's like an MRE that, oh, God. You skip right past brunch to insanity. You're crazy. Somewhere along the line, everyone loses that kind of childlike impulse where they just sit in the middle of a kitchen and say, I want to eat all of this. Do it. Let's go for it.

I've chosen to never lose that. So Pickish Pear, I think first you say, you just got to close things out. You got to say, do we want to go out or do we want to stay in? Okay. That takes care of like a huge portion of those things. And then you think about what you've had in the past. What did we have recently? And if that doesn't work, I always look at pictures of starving kids and I just eat the

first thing that's in front of me because like. Which is usually a picture of a starving kid. Yeah. That's why I eat somebody. That's why you can't have a picture of a starving kid in our house because I'll look at it and just get, feel so grateful and guilty about debating what I'm going to eat. I just eat the first thing I say. Here's a method Theresa and I use, which is whoever feels like cooking gets to pick what

we eat. So like if she doesn't want to cook and I do, we're going to eat whatever I want. If I don't feel like cooking and she does, we're going to eat whatever she wants. That's good. So you could also use Travis's other method, which is to eat like you're going to commit suicide later that day. Sky diving, everything, big elite. I'm actually writing a movie called Eat, Pray, Love, Decide.

Eat, pray, love, cry yourself to sleep. Eat, nap, pray, nap, love. Disappointment. Cry. Sit on the toilet for four hours. My wife and I have been married for a little over three years. As we near our thirties, we are bombarded with questions dealing with having children on a near constant basis.

We had always said we'd have kids in the future, but as I said, future gets close. We are realized we don't want to after all. We love our life, freedom, and knowing having children will change everything. It seems to be what society expects from a married couple. And when we mention our decision, they always try to change our minds or make us feel like we're making a mistake. How to respond to the criticism of others without having to justify our personal choice, Travis and Megan.

Okay. So Travis and Megan, if you get to, I'm a married guy, so I feel especially qualified as well. If you get to 50, right? And you said, God, we screwed up. We should not have had, we should have had a kid. It's too late. You're all, you're all dried up.

All dried up down there. It's like a desert. But if you get to, so, so here's my suggestion. Have a kid. Just don't get like super invested. Yeah. Just don't put on the sidelines. Keep it on the sidelines.

Like I have a sideline kid, maybe just like emotion. You can't, you can't put them in a freezer, but like, treat them like a third roommate. Right. They will be, if you withhold love until your past childbearing age, they will be so desperate for that love, or they will have moved out. But either way, you'll at least have your options open. I think, I think you're, you're denying the world of a little Tragen, which is what his name would be.

Yeah. A Tragen with like really great taste in podcasts. Here, here's my advice. Whenever you say to someone, I don't plan on having a kid, and they say, why not? Just stone face, look them right in the eye and say, because I'd kill it. Accidentally. Accidentally. But like, I don't trust myself to keep it on the sidelines.

Oh my God. I have that thought, I have that thought on the reg. Like what if I actually did create offspring? I think it would be dead in like 60 days tops. They're like glass peaches. Those things like, you've got to be super, duper careful with that. And I can't keep an iPhone without breaking it. I dropped the same bagel yesterday morning, three times before I got to my dad's.

Three times. Everyone knows Gryffin loves bagels. Travis dropped a bagel yesterday, but it was in horror of what he was about to do. I can't do this. I had a moment of clarity. And Trace is like, why are you picking your bagel up off the ground? I have my moment of clarity ended and I really want to eat this nightmare, this holocaust of a bagel I've created.

I went to the store and they have bagel packages on sale for a dollar. I bought 10 packages of bagels and I have eaten all of them. Tragan, Tragan, listen, you need to get in now under because you're approaching this wire that if you don't get in under it, either you will have a baby when you're like 40 years old against the laws of science and God, or you'll adopt one. But either way, you'll be the creepy old parents who everybody doesn't know if you're their grandparents or what's the situation there or some sort of foster family. Did their real parents die in some sort of horrible accident?

You would think all that matters is that you're providing the child a loving home, but you'd be wrong. Not true. You've got to be sexy. You've got to be sexy as fuck. No one's ever heard of a milk, like a mom I'd like to know and maybe he learned some things about. A mom I'd like to hang out with, a mom I'd like to show with, a milk.

All I know is that what you definitely want to do is make a decision you're not sure about and commit 18 years of your life at least to it. Don't have a kid. You don't want a kid. Don't do it. I want to dip into something that Travis talked about a couple shows ago, but he finally followed through for this week's episode. We use Yahoo Answers as a pretty constant source of comedy.

Travis suggested we dip into Wiki Answers, which is apparently a very similar site. It advertises itself as the world's leading Q&A site. I'm saying a lot of Q's and almost no A's, but Travis has picked a selection here that I'm just going to burn through really quick if that's okay with you guys. Do you think that the members of B5 can tell when thick girls that are their fans get upset when they show the thin girls more love? What are some reasons why people decide to love in a particular? Who is Allison's enemy?

Is sucking cock dangaroos? When a man starts calling you sugar, do not give any reason to make me feel jealous for I might do a thing that you may regret for the rest of your life. What which thing that dry measure two kilogram wet one kilogram and afterburn three kilogram? Hey, Wiki Answers, what the fuck is going on on your website? At least Yahoo Answers are like coherent like bugs in my vagina. What pesticide is recommended? Real question that I was going to ask on the show, but decided not to, but just did.

But that's a thought. That's a complete thought that is positing a query that is answerable. My favorite on there just in like a meta way is when a man starts calling you sugar. Yeah. That's not even a sentence. It's not even a sentence fragment. It's like, it's just a collection of words. It doesn't mean anything.

In short, I don't think we can use Wiki Answers. I think it's the, I think it's this spiraling vermilion eye of madness that I just don't, I don't want to gaze into or else I'll lose who I am. It's terrifying. So I want to, I want to hear the last question. We have something to talk about really quick. Oh God, do we? Griffin, I heard you had maybe kind of a bad experience.

Well, last week's episode, we talked quite a bit about the food stuffs. Not last week's. They're bad. The food stuffs, if you can even call it that, known as super donuts. I think the three of us were looking back on that particular food with rose-tinted goggles. I think that, I think that maybe our memories of super donuts were sweeter than the actual food itself because I recently had, or took part in a super donut party when I was back in Huntington visiting and holy shit, those things are so awful.

What? They're so bad. Let me pause at you this question. Is it possible they've changed the formula? I think it's very possible because I don't remember them tasting like wienerless corn dogs, which is the only way I can describe the flavor they're in, which if that sounds appealing to you, then you're a monster. It was really bad.

We even warmed them up. We microwaved them and we toasted them on a fire. Neither method made them edible. So that's my opinion on it, but we have a second opinion from close dear, sweet friend of the show, Evan Minsker, which I'd like to read. Evan Minsker's Super Donuts at Counterpoint. Hello, Brothers McRoy, Evan Minsker here. After the last episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me, the Brothers Minsker decided to throw

a super donuts party at the Minsker family home. We procured the super donuts from S&J Market in Barbersville, bought far too many of them, 27 donuts total, started a fire in the backyard, had beer and hot dogs, and of course, the donuts. Upon eating the donuts, most of us learned that our nostalgia for super donuts outweighed the actual taste. As Griffin put it, they taste like corn dogs without actual dogs inside. He informed everyone present that on this week's show, he would go on the record and

tell the world not to eat super donuts. All of this is true so far. I've done all of that. That's where I take issue. Okay, so yes, they do taste like corn dogs. On that point, I concede. But now that the party's over, I was left with approximately 16 super donuts. Yes, that means I have to either eat all of them or give them away.

So here I am doing God's work, eating super donuts every effing day until I run out. But there's a twist to this story. I have become acclimated to the corn dog with a hint of cinnamon taste. I think I've got it in touch with my inner elementary schooler, and alas, I think they're terrific. Fun fact, did you know that a super donut fulfills the USDA requirement for a fruit or vegetable as well as a bread? It's true, and they're full of vitamins.

Oh man. There are so many vitamins. They have to print the ingredients on a transparent background, making it impossible to see what it is that you're actually ingesting. So brothers, I say this. If you're going to tell listeners not to eat super donuts, make one amendment. Don't just eat one super donut. Buy 27 and be forced to eat about 16 of them.

The nostalgia and deliciousness and heartburn will kick in after donut six. The shame kicks in around 12. God bless Evan Minsker. So Evan, thank you for that heartfelt. Evan proves a rule, something I've always believed, that if you expose yourself to anything enough, your opinion on it will reverse. I think Evan's got super donut. I think he's got super donut Stockholm syndrome, and I think that they taste worse than AIDS

and no one should ever eat them ever. I think that's probably stretching it. I bought one on eBay, so we'll see how that works. Did you really? Hell no. What? Buy donuts on eBay. What are you, a child?

I heard the box of them sitting next to the bonks at my local gas station. I plan on eating one. Did you say next to the dongs? Yeah, next to the dong mats. I just, they're the worst food I've ever consumed. Evan gave me a bag of them to give to you guys, and I forgot for which you're welcome. Is it possible that they are both the best and worst food you've ever consumed? Because 12 years ago, they were totally the best food.

Yeah, they were really good 12 years ago. Maybe they're just the same ones, so they ferment. They stopped making them in like 1993. Exactly, exactly. These are really good fresh, yeah, but 12 years later. So I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first I want to thank you. Thank you, thank you for hanging in with us. Thank you for allowing us to take a week off to recharge.

Sometimes we need that time to ourselves to become smart again, because we let all our smart go every week through the microphones, then we have to get it back. So thank you for that. Thank you to everyone who has purchased t-shirts. There are still plenty of t-shirts available if you would like to purchase them. You can check that out on mbmbam.com. There's still a facelift coming there, so make sure to get up on that. We also have an app that is also available on the Buy Stuff link on our website.

It's called the My Brother, My Brother, Me App Experience. It's got some goofy stuff on there, and plus you can listen to every episode of the show straight from your phone, which is super nice. But I would like to throw out a special thanks to the guy at PAX that told Justin I was his favorite. Oh, yeah. Oh. Hey, dude, at PAX?

You're my favorite. Whoa. And I also want to say thank you to JJ Holder, who's the only person I saw at PAX wearing a My Brother, My Brother, Me t-shirt. And boy, howdy, did he ever get the hug of the century, my friend. Wow. We haven't given up our phone number in a while. It's 203 mbmbam1.

That's 203 mbmbam1. Give that a ring. We've actually gotten a couple calls over the past week or so. But before that, it had been like a month since our last telephone call. So give that a ring. We're not going to answer. We promise. Just leave us a message telling us about your day and we're asked for advice because we'll

dip in there for advice. As always, we love seeing your quote tweets on the Twitter with the mbmbam hashtag and just generally spread the word. A lot of people have been helping us out this week in our absence, parental floss, cappin underscore US, the gamer geek, Kate Nash, tons of people have been just really telling people that the most important thing they can do is listen to the show. And that is true, has always been true, will always be true. Just tell a friend.

Tell a friend. My good friend, John Mahaffey, he spreads the word as Johnny Maddass on Twitter. So follow him. Follow everybody. Let's get a community going. And don't forget to poke. Just get those pokes going. Just get those pokes.

If you get a poke, the useless, useless poke, you'll know that somewhere at mbmbam fan cares about you. What I want to see is people poking people from the mbmbam appreciation group available on Facebook. There's also a link to that on our site. Don't just, don't just poke all the attractive, all the attractive ladies though. That's, that's skeezy. Poke everyone, not just all the attractive femme fatales on the group.

In fact, I want to say this. Poke my dad. Oh, don't smoke that Macri and poke Clint Macri. Oh my God. Don't do that. That's weird. So Griffin, I think poke your dad square on the lips. Oh, gross.

So Griffin, I just stop it. You're the only one who can stop it. You've got to stop it. OK, let's shut this shit down with a yahoo. Answers question that was sent in by Eric. Thank you, Eric. This one comes to this one comes to us by a yahoo. Answers user neutron solstice, who asks,

does the blood of Jesus cover the sins of Neanderthals to or just homo sapiens? How am I going to bring to this? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, your dad. Screw the wear on the lips. You will never know me.

Jesus probably had a little Neanderthal in him. So yes, it also covers 95% of every chimpanzee. They also share 95% genetic similarity with us. So this this answer is saying that 95% of chimpsons are washed away as well. Not the cardinals. No, just the just the, you know, the big 10. I think I read that somewhere in the in the in the Beatitudes, perhaps.