My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 32: The Minnesota Pincher

Episode Date: November 29, 2010

Justin was inconsiderate enough to be sick during our usual record day, so the episode's late today. Don't be mad at us. Be mad at Justin's wimpy-ass white blood cells. Also, we hope you had a really fantastic Thanksgiving.Suggested talking points: Prius Promise, raw fire, three bowling date rule, penit pills, OG Water, vigilante parking justice, green packaging

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? If you change your mind, on the first in line, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me, let me know, gonna be around, if you've got no place to go when you're feeling down. Every day is a gift. On this particular Monday, you've opened up the gift. What have you found inside? I.S. It's wisdom. It's my brother and my brother and me. It's an advice show for the modern era.

I didn't want wisdom. I want to bop it. I got you bop it on the two-day delivery that will be here tomorrow. You always say that, I never believe you. You always say bop it and it never comes. I got you bop it in a p-touch label, and you're ruining Christmas right now. And I don't want that bullshit bop it with the extra shit like flick it and spin it. I want the original twist pull and bop. I only need the three commands. You know what I'm saying? I don't need bop it extreme. That was my bad. I got you mop it, which was a different game altogether, much more unpleasant.

Don't try and sneak chores in there because I'm cognizant. You're pretty savvy about that. How did you get so savvy, Griffin? Well, by listening to advice shows like ours, but not like ours. Just ours. Just by listening to our show. Exactly ours. Just ours is a list of one and it's this one. Let's make another one so someone else can avoid chores. My name is Justin McRoy, by the way. I'm the oldest McRoy brother. I'm Travis McRoy and I am the middleest McRoy brother. I'm Griffin McRoy and I'm the youngest McRoy brother now that Tony, who was younger than me, totally died.

Stupid Tony. It's a tractor. I hated that guy. I hate Tony. Bye, Tony McRoy. You are not missed. Mr. Link. You're dead. Stupid. He's the one who broke my original bop it.

That fucking douchebag. That's why you killed him with a tractor. Bye, Tony. I want to get my wife a great gift, but it's too expensive for me right now. Should I tell her what it is to show my intention and hopefully she appreciates it? Chancing the loss of surprise if I were to eventually obtain said funds? Mr. Lingo, she met with it. Is he asking, is he saying, baby, Merry Christmas.

For Christmas, I got you the idea of a car. Is that what he's saying? I got you this laser printed off copy of a car picture. The promise, the promise of a Prius. The Prius promise. That is right, right? He picked out a gift, something he knows she would enjoy, but something he will not be purchasing. Is that what we're at?

Because he lacks the fungible assets required to acquire said automobile or whatever the thing is. It may not be a car. I'm assuming it is though, because that's the greatest gift of all. Transportation. It's specifically a Prius. Mr. Lingo, I'd say don't do that. Don't like, wow, don't do that.

People appreciate the thought. Definitely. It is the thought that counts, but you cannot have just the thought and then give it up. I mean, this is why credit cards and irresponsible bank loans were invented, right, so that you could impress your wife and make her think that you have more money than you actually have. Right. And then you just get buried beneath a giant mountain of debt.

Yeah, come get out of the debt mountain with me. Yeah. You can't have a flag at the, well, it wouldn't be the top because that would mean you'd conquer the debt. You're deep inside it. You're deep, deep inside it. You're like a mole man. You're like a debt mole man.

You're like James Franco in 127 hours only. No, you literally have to cut your arm off. That's a really good analogy, Griffin. Nailed it. When you asked about if she'll appreciate it, of course she won't. You went to absolutely no effort to do it. I could do that. I could walk up to anyone in the street and be like, I'm planning on getting you a car.

Yeah. Like Merry Christmas. It doesn't mean anything. Hey, Justin, yeah. It's crushing, crushing debt. Yeah. Hey, Justin and Travis. Yeah.

I wanted to tell you guys, I know it's not, we got like another month before it's Christmas, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I got both of you rocket ships. Whoa. For Christmas. Real rocket ships, not like toys either. I'm talking about shits you can use to go into space. That's banging. Thanks, Griffin.

They have no problem. Yeah. Do you have a picture of them or something that I can hold on to? I can send you one. I'll Google one at you later. Will they be here on the 25th, would you say? It may take me a little while to, I've been doing some babysitting gigs on the side trying to save up, because the rocket ships are made out of gold.

Oh, shit. Yeah. It adds a little bit to that old MSRP, so I'm going to see what I can do. I'll try and make your Christmas wishes come true, but they are high quality rockets. Mr. Lingo, we're spending a little time joking around here, because we literally cannot overstate the extent to which you should not do what you're talking about. I would rather have someone hand me a $5 bill than promise they're going to get me a car in 20 years.

Yeah. Someone hand me a note that says, fuck you, because at least in there's a story. You won't believe what he did this year. That's just the thing that you're talking about. It's just sad. Literally, I don't care if you're broke as broke, broke, broke. You could be without money. You could have negative money, and you could still do something that she would appreciate

more than that. You got to take it back to the drawing board. She would appreciate like a coupon for one free back rub before you say, hey, I thought about getting you something nice and I didn't. It's not that he did. He wants to. He so desperately wants to. I don't know, guys.

I wanted to get you something nice, but I couldn't. I think I would rather have him, like, if I was his beautiful, lovely wife. He offered me the choice between this pine cone ashtray he made, or a Prius in like three months. He's going to hit me up with a Prius in three months. I think I would rather have the Prius. But he shouldn't tell her about it. No, because when you spend a lot of money on expensive gifts, what you're doing is buying

a surprise. You're buying that look of surprise on their face. Don't ruin that. I mean, you're definitely going to get a look of surprise if you hand her a sheet of paper that says, I'm going to buy you a car someday. Yeah. She will be surprised. You're going to be hurt, like a hurt look than a happy look.

It's the opposite of what you want on Christmas Day. You should start telling her that you'll never buy her a car. Just really over. If you were hoping I get you a car, forget about it. Give her a piece of paper. You've never done anything to deserve a car. Give her a piece of paper with a picture of a car that says never on it for Christmas. Then you're getting her a real surprise.

There's another... Oh, what? Promise her the car for Christmas, and then she'll be real surprised when she does it. Surprise. I got you a pie. Surprise. I'm broke. Surprise.

You could have chosen better. It's like that. I think that Toyota commercial where the lady opens up her box and inside the box is a giant ribbon, like you would find around a car. And then the husband's like, hey, come look outside. She takes a giant ribbon that you would find on a car and she goes outside in the driveway and there's a Priya sitting there. Only in this situation she would go outside and there wouldn't be a car.

And he'd be like, where are you going? I got you a ribbon. The ribbon is the gift. It's a novelty size ribbon for you. For you. Do whatever you want to with it. I have another question for us from Gmail. No sender on this.

Make sure you tell us who you are when you send these in. How do I get my friends to stop referring to things as fire or raw? When they are saying something is cool or awesome. I'm only a senior in high school, but I still don't think my friend should be talking like idiots. And if you haven't heard these terms before in this way before, then maybe it's just a South Florida thing, regardless. Example, yo, this party is going to be so raw.

Hey man, you should have seen it last night. Last night was pure fire. Dude, I have really wicked bad news for you. You meant to ask for advice, but what you've done is proliferate these two catchphrases into your favorite podcast because you better believe, I'm going to start saying things that are like fire or quite possibly raw every chance I get. I think that calling things fire is pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah, because it's like what was better than the invention of fire and nothing. Yep. Yep. And raw food. Raw food is food that you can't touch with fire. Right? So it's like the opposite. It's like the antithesis.

I think these two things, they're using them as synonyms, but I think that they should be used as antwanims. Antwanims? The important thing whenever you come up with new slang is where do you use it? Where is it appropriate? Because I don't think you could say a girl is raw. I think that that's... Yeah, I don't think you should do that.

I don't think that's okay. Let's say like an orphanage is so fire. That's not okay. Yo, that's St. Jude's Medical Center. It's fire. I think you can kill new terminology pretty quickly because I think it's so rare that someone says, hey, that word you're using, it's not working. I think if you tell your friends like, hey, it's not flying for you.

That's not working for you. That word, it makes you sound silly. That kind of direct approach may be the best thing. Another idea? Oh, sorry, go on. No, because a lot of times words get stuck in your head and you don't know where they came from. Maybe they came from my brother and my brother and me from an email from a guy from South

Florida and now you're saying everything's fire and raw. Shit is so fire. All you need to do is get his mom to start using them. Get your friends' parents to start using raw and fire and I guarantee they won't use it anymore. Nailed it. Can you guys remember any colloquial terms that were popular when you were in high school that you didn't particularly care for?

You mean like stuffies? What is that? That's good stuffies. Oh, no. That can be a real thing. You guys said it, you assholes. You got it stuck in my head. I didn't mean to.

I think for me, it was pussy town. When you see something cool, be like, hey, did you go to the play last night? Yeah, dog, it was pussy town. I think that was elementary school. It was wildly inappropriate. Yeah, it was not something kids should say. But you can't control the spread of language. You absolutely can't control it.

We invented language the other way around. It's because language is so fucking raw. Oh my god, it's raw and kind of... It is fire. Fire, it's a little fire. Not on fire, it just is. It is fire. I have a Yahoo Answers question.

This one was sent in by LouisDog. Thanks LouisDog. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Oh shit, I didn't even look at this before. It's like four asterisks and then like a space and then like nine asterisks. That's cool. So I'm sure there's a name in there somewhere, but I'm not going to try and decode it. A bunch of asterisks asks, first bowling date, what to do?

We're both 14 and we are going bowling this weekend. We've already kissed and now she tells me that she is not very good at bowling. What can I do? What can I do with this information? Do I just watch her try and if it's no good say let me help you and then guide her arm? How can I be romantic and maybe be making out by the end? To clarify, it is not our first date, just my first bowling date. If you are caught making out in a bowling alley, you will be ejected.

But you will be high-fived. There will be two lines of people high-fiving you on either side as you leave the establishment. They will all be toothless and terrible and awful people. Have you guys ever heard of cutting a hole in the bottom of a popcorn bucket? You could do that with a bowling ball. It's going to take some flexibility and it's going to take some dedication and it's going to take some butter, but you are going to do it. You're going to pull it off.

It will not. It will not. Cannot feel good though. Cannot. It will not be pleasurable. It will be raw and no, not like you're thinking. Dig it deep in there. Stick your prick right in the back of the bowling ball on the opposite side of the three holes

so that when she tucks her three fingers in there, there's a chance she may graze. She puts her two fingers and thumb in there, gives you a Minnesota pincher and you are off to the races. Oh man. But it is so important that she realizes what you've done before she bowls. So important. You've got to figure out getting into the situation if you thought that was hard. Try getting out of it.

It is. Wow. Maybe, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Am I dicks in the wall? Yes, Travis. That's what we were talking about. No, but Travis does have a good point.

You need to be as clearly spoken as humanly possible in this situation. Very direct. Maybe you made them hold too small. Maybe there's a vacuum issue. And if that's the case, then you're going to have to make an embarrassing trip to the emergency room, which maybe this tip is not a good idea for a first bowling date. I always say if you're going to stick your dick in a bowling ball to try and get a Minnesota pincher, you've got to wait until at least bowling date number three.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. It's about class and it's about the quorum. Don't do anything you wouldn't do without her parents' permission. I'm going to give her a post, said. If you're going to stick your dick into a bowling ball, also, don't go on a bowling date. I can't think of a single time I have ever taken a girl to a bowling alley and had it

not just be a fucking unmitigated nightmare. Can I tell you something I discovered about bowling, Griffin, and maybe this will help you out? I've discovered it over the years. The bowling that you grew up with, thinking that it was what bowling really was, it's not actually bowling. Real bowling, you have to be drunk. If you're drunk, then bowling finally makes sense because you're just sitting for a long

time and then every once in a while, you have reason to stand up and lob something heavy. That's the whole bit and it makes no sense if you're sober. But if you've been drinking, yeah, okay, now I get it. You don't care so much if the ball goes in the gutter. You can't. Either that or you're playing with a dude who takes it way too seriously and has the specialized glove and he kicks his foot out and he's kind of an asshole when he gets over 150.

Yeah. No one likes that guy either. No one likes that guy. I don't mind if you're other than drunk and get a 32. Hey, just don't go bowling. Can we just say no more bowling? Can we bring back, what's that table bowling game where you have like the sand on the table and you have to, it's like shuffleboard but it's not, it's like on a table.

Jarts. You know what I'm saying? Skeet skeet. What's it called? Skeet. Skeet. Let's bring Skeet Skeet back. Let's have Skeet Skeet dates, everybody.

The super serious bowling guy reminded me, make sure you're really certain which bowling ball is your girlfriends because wow, wow. That can get weird. Here's another one from Gmail. There's a very pretty coworker I have. We've been working together for almost three years and we get along pretty well. The other day she did something nice for me and when I said thank you she said, she just smirked and quipped, it's okay, you just owe me a beer now.

Should I take this as a hint or the friendly coworker banter that I just assumed it was? I was never going to pick up hints so this problem has been nagging at me for a while. Please keep up a good work. Eli. Oh, Eli. What was the nice thing that she did for you? Was it like she took care of a difficult customer or like she kept a refrigerator from crushing you to death?

Because if she saved your life, you do owe her a beer. I mean, that's true. That is how it works. Is it that you, did you give, did she give you a beer? Because that is, that was the contact. Man, I was the barbell beer coworker. Well, of course. Give me a beer in your desk.

Give me desk beer. Now, Eli, that was a, that was a hint. I think it was. Yeah, straight up. I think, and even if it wasn't, fuck it, like go out and buy her a beer and if it wasn't like a, like a sexy, hey, let's find out type of thing, then you guys will become closer friends. That's a win-win.

That's a win-win. My book. Listen, Eli, it really sounds like this girl is purifier. So it's important. Yeah. Just, you don't need hints. Everybody thinks they're, you don't need hints. Go out on a limb, ask the girl out.

If you're waiting for her to indicate to you that she's ready to be asked out, that's not how that works. Hi. Don't. Yeah. Pint. Ask me out. Don't ask her out.

Not in the traditional sense. Don't say, hey, would you like to go on a date? Just say, hey, you know, how about, how about I buy you that beer that I owe you. I see this is troubling. This is where we get into problems. His next step is completely dependent on how long it's been since this happened, because if you bring up something that happened three weeks ago, it's not going to be cute. Hey, do you remember?

Do you remember? Do you remember? You had, you had that purple scrunchie in your hair and it's, it's, you smelled like lilacs. And you, you asked for a beer and it's time for me to get, how would I give you that beer? It would instantly become crisp and glover. Yeah.

You, if it's been a while, what you need to do is trick her, do something nice for her and then say, I guess we owe each other a beer now and then say, let's go have those beers unless, and then you'll find out because she'll say, if it's not like a hint, then she'll say, well, no, now we're even. So let's never talk again. Yeah. That seems like a pretty good decider and have you considered maybe she's not dropping a hit and maybe she's just like a raging alcoholic loves beer.

Like maybe she, and not just that, but like she does nice things for, for just everyone. And then like remarks, Hey, you, you do now owe me a beer. Like, Hey, don't worry. I'll press the, the crossing signal for you, but you do owe me a Heineken. Sooner or the better, like right now. The sooner I got the shivers, if you could just like beer me, give me a beer. Beer me out. Beer me bra.

Do you see her getting handed beers? A lot of work. Do people come to her with beers? She could just. I know my service was, was really great, but don't worry about the tip. If you could, there is a TGI Fridays next door. If you could pick me up, uh, just like a tall boy of, uh, whatever brew they have on tap today and just, you know, slide it down this way, uh, we will be square.

We will be even up, but there is one thing you want to watch out for. If you are a guy who is bad at picking up hints, if you do the like, Hey, coworker, let's go grab a drink. And she's like, all right, great. You have established nothing because you didn't ask her out. You, there was no romance involved. You have no guarantee that this is quote a date. I think I have to keep figuring out how does the night goes?

Yeah. You've got to pretend we're on your shoulder and we're telling you like, that was a hint. Yeah. Go with it. Remember when she took a boob out? That was a hint. Go with it. I think I disagree with you wholeheartedly.

I think it's got to start off like, Hey co worker, let's go hang out and the romance will blossom. No, no, no. Travis is saying, he isn't saying that he needs to push it into date land. What he's saying is that it's going to be tough navigating those waters if he's not got his eyes open. Yeah. Is this like a person you've hung out with for three years and now you're hanging out

outside of work? Or is this like beginning of a thing? Let's see where this goes. So you need to just kind of, like Justin said, navigate, you're, you're going to come up to all these choose your own adventure spots and you need to make all the right moves. Yeah. Eli. I'd like to, to, to suggest to you that you change your outlook today, today, this Monday

that you're listening to this, you need to change your outlook. You need to start telling yourself that everything is a hint. Everything's an opportunity. Now I closed doors and open door and I say you start walking through those open doors and you, and if you're wrong about it, you get your heart broken a few times and you get so tough that you won't even notice anymore. But if you're right about it, you get that glorious opportunity that you would have missed if you had been afraid that something was in a hint.

Everything's a hint. Eli, start walking through those open doors. Do people ever purchase products from the peanut enlargement emails? Peanuts enlargement emails. What is a peanut? It's what you, I'm allergic to peanuts. It's what you have before you buy a penis enlargement product. What are the chances of them working?

Thanks. Tidy and curious form spring. 100%. 100% effective every time. How could they not? They sell them on the internet. Think about it. That's just math.

If you've got a tiny wiener, no one will ever love you. If you take pills you buy off the internet, you've got a chance at love. Just hang some weights from your dong so it stretches it out. Yeah, dong weights, but make sure you buy them off the internet. Anything you do regarding your peanut, it's so important that you only consult the internet. There's no, doctors aren't going to help you out. They're just going to look at your little prick and they're going to laugh at you. Oh, after you smack it around with the back right.

They're going to wrinkle, they're going to wrinkle with their pinky fingers. Flick it like one of those springy door stops. Just like that. You've got to go to the internet's too big to care about your little balls and your precious little wiener. The internet's not going to care. You've got to go and you've got to take as many pills as they can throw at you. Just take all the pills that the internet has and you will not care anymore about your

wiener size. That is true. That's a stone fact. Griffin, you've got a yahoo for me? I do. How about this one? It was sent in by Patrick Toy. It's by Yahoo Answers user Gihim Rob.

Who asks, smelly wife? My wife comes home from work and she don't smell good. I want to do some cuddling and the good stuff while she gets here. But between work and cook and dinner, she just don't smell good. How do I get her to clean up her act so I can enjoy some husbandry rewards? Oh fuck, you know what this question made me think of is when Justin used to work at the Olive Garden and he would come home every day smelling like just like six inches deep inside a butthole.

He used to call it the OG water that would cut you in. You would be bathed at the end of the night. So basically the guy's problem is his wife is busy working and cooking his meals and as a result she doesn't smell pleasant for another tertiary. For the cuddling and the good stuff. For the cuddling and the good stuff. You know, I read that and I'm like, in my mind, the cuddling is the good stuff. God, that's so true.

All those fringe benefits, they're just tacked on there. It's all about a good hard cuddle. This is something where the direct approach is really it's going to be a feast or famine. I mean, either you're going to solve this problem lickety-split or you're going to tell your wife that she smells too bad to cuddle and you won't have that problem, that exact problem anymore. No. Just look at her and say, you know, honey, I've been sitting here on the couch all day

watching Maury and waiting for you to get home to cuddle. You smell like buttholes. You smell like eight buttholes in a butthole bag. Get it together. I'm going to go back and sit on the couch for another 12 hours or we'll see you work it out. I just flipped. I just flipped on this guy.

Fuck this guy. Wait, you weren't in camp. Fuck this guy? I thought we were all in camp. No, I mean, at first I was like, that's rough because he loves this woman so much. Loves her so much. But the only thing that's keeping their love stagnant is that she smells like dookie water. But now it's like get your shit together.

I'm sure maybe you don't smell good from sitting on the couch all day. You're bed sores. And you're bed sores. Maybe you have bed sores and those smell like festering dookie water. I'm so mad at him. You are mad at him. I can tell that this has gotten really real for you. This has gotten very serious.

I am angry at this gentleman. Wait, who does he think he is, right? Maybe she smells real bad. I just read a really great answer. Tell me. Yahoo! Enter's user Dreya responded, just a suggestion, draw a bubble bath for her so that when she walks in the door, it will be ready for her.

Make it romantic if you can add to the mood. That's fresh. That's a fresh, that's outside the box thinking. But see, that's just a thinly veiled statement that you smell bad. That can only work so many times. It's like, see how I love you, but I can't take a bath every day as soon as I get home from the office. Hey, baby girl.

Hey, baby girl at 6.30 and you know what that means. Rubba-dub-dub. Time for your scrub. I'll be downstairs watching baseball. You come get me when you're done for the cuddlin' and the good stuff. Yeah. Don't spend too long in there because this hungry man isn't going to microwave it. Hey honey.

I made dinner reservations for us at 6.30. Uh, I don't think you did. I think maybe you need to get those changed to 7.30 because we ain't going out in public until you get down with a scrub-a-roo. I love you so much. I love you, baby. I love you so much. Why do you smell so bad?

Where do you work? We're working at the waste treatment plant. Oh. Oh. Oh. Leave her. Oh. You're saying leave her?

Leave her and leave him. Leave each other in this situation. I'm so mad. This girl in my class has some sort of love-hate relationship with me. Sometimes she's like incredibly flirtatious and sometimes she'll straight up insult me. Even weirder, she flips out, she flips between these behaviors multiple times each day. How exactly am I supposed to react to this? P.S., I'm a dude and in high school.

Yeah. Next in New Mexico. Oh, man. Welcome. Bienvenidos, muchacho. You're becoming a man. Wow. I bet it does seem like that, doesn't it?

So, oh gosh, you have discovered that occasionally, every once in a while, some girls be crazy. Women be shopping. Yeah. Well, shopping so much is just crazy. Yeah. And there's a good chance that she is straight up crazy, like real crazy, like kill a bunny on your doorstep crazy. Right.

Right. So, you need to marry her. Maybe she's bad at flirting and she forgets how to do it sometimes. That's how it hit me. It hit me like a harmless like, oh, I'm bad at flirting so I'm playfully mocking you. I think in high school, totally down. I think once you get to college, then it is usually a sign of, you know, crazy, crazy town.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. And you know what? You're really sensitive in high school. So a lot of, you gotta, here, okay, here's what you do. When she insults you, you gotta take it as flirting too. You gotta get that tough. You have to be that confident to be able to handle this, Philly. It seems to me like all that's well and good, but this is a nonissue.

You just stop talking to that person. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Holy art. He learns nothing. But you're saying like, work through getting insulted at the chance of maybe making out with this chick. Like, no, don't do any of that. Have no goal other than to let her insults roll off your back.

and if you are into this lady, then she will find that irresistible. You just have to be confident and roll with it. Like if she insults you, you say, yep, nailed it. What's up? Dead on. What else you got? You know, you're not feeling it still.

Well, as long as you're doing it, it's like a thought exercise. Like how many insults can I take before I go home and cry? Yeah, then go for it. This isn't going to turn into a relationship. If you're just trying to teach her a lesson, use the stronger person. You're trying to break her spirit.

She's not just insulting him. She's also flirting with him. Like that in and of itself, like I can remember plenty of young relationships I had that started out with like girls flirting with me and also like playfully insulting me. Dude, Vex, you're in there, dude. You're in there.

I think you're totally, totally cool. You need to out crazy her. When she flirts with you, get really offended. And when she insults you, get really turned on. You smell like you work at Olive Garden. Get out of my face. Hook her. Say that.

Yeah, that works out. Don't say any of that. Don't say any of that, but say something like that. Whatever you say in high school. You're not fire or something. Yeah. You are so not raw. You're not raw.

You're cooked. You're cooked in fire. You're braised. Shit is so cooked. So I guess we helped you pretty good. How do I deal with idiots? Idiots. Park in front of my building and take up

several parking spaces. This is a recurring problem in the residence hall where I live. I have considered leaving menacing notes or even bashing their windows out in frustration. Whoa. Whoa. It wears at me having to park far away

and I don't know where else to turn. Please help. Zoom user Gmail. This is another one of those terrible self-centered people problems that always happens. Those people that park in the middle of two parking spaces because they don't want. They're like 1986 Buick Le Sabre to get scratched up.

Yep. Oh god, I hate those people so much. Can I give an embarrassing confession to you guys? What I do is I walk past their car and I key it. I have done. You don't really do that. Griffin, five or six times. No.

Someone has taken a parking spot and they take up two spots and I key their car. Because oops. Justin, that's such a. The opposite happened. Oops. That punishment does not fit that crime at all. It totally fits that crime.

You learned your lesson. You've learned your lesson. That is not, you are not going to do that again. Maybe it's just like a 16, maybe it's just like a 16-year-old kid who hasn't learned how to park yet and that's his new Jetta and you just ruined his Christmas. Learn to park. Balance it out and scratch into the car.

I love you. No, don't do that. I key it. I don't do something like big and pronounced, but if you're the sort who would get obsessed about your car, you're going to notice that and you're going to not do that anymore. It's a lesson. I've taught you a lesson about growth.

And maybe just, you know, if you want to go a little less, you know, invasive, just leave a ball print on his window. Pop your balls out, push them against there, keep on moving. See, that's good because it's temporary. You don't have to pay to get it buffed out. But also you touch your balls on a surface, which is good, I guess. Put a little post-it note next to it with an arrow that says, those are my balls.

Though my balls touch these. Don't leave some fucking passive aggressive note, though. Like, hey, good parking job you did there, dude. Like that's even doucheier, I think, than. Maybe you give him a warning. Maybe you give him a warning note. Say, hey, if you do this again, I'm going to key your car. And then if it happens again, Griffin, can you agree that you'd be well

within your rights at that point? I would say two warnings just to be safe. The first one, like, hey, just to let you know, you have one more warning shot. But you are getting awfully close to key town. And then the second one's like, hey, dude, no kidding. You have one, this is your last chance before retribution. And then I think you can leave a small, a small key scratch. I think at that point, after two warnings, you can set the hood of his car on fire.

Don't do any of that. By small key scratch, he means if you could scratch a review for my brother, my brother, and me, and our web address, that would be great. Yeah, just scratch our names and addresses in there. It's all great. It's all good stuff. Right, and make sure you scratch in the method in which each of us would least like to be murdered.

Mine is stabbing. I don't. I think Travis is drowning and Justin's fire. No, you know he is. What's up? So, so cash, so raw, so fucking young money. I don't do anything because this fucking this hamster wheel we all live on, this hamster wheel called life keeps on spinning.

That's like what's the people are douches. They're going to get they're going to get there. They are they are and you are to be the instrument of that. Get exactly. You are not the arbiter of God's justice that you lay down with your fiery key. How do you know till you do it? Unless unless there are good people willing to stand up for what they believe in, then all God's God is a handful of wishes and hopes.

The people in this world that do that shit and park and take up like three parking spaces with their stupid hummers. It's because no one ever does anything. They'll leave like a little post that says, oh, please don't take up these parking spaces anymore. You got to get out there and just pee in their window. Set the set the hood on fire. I like that.

Set the hood on fire. Stand on top of it and say, this is a symbol. This is a symbol on the car and lighter fluid and light it on fire. So it burns like a hand given the finger. Yeah, I feel like we need to rerun the disclaimer that Bob Ball does at the beginning of the show, like right here, like right in the middle of the show. So that people know not to actually do any of these things. How about putting lunch meat all over their car?

Oops. No, because that like eats the pain off. But like Turkey, Turkey won't do that. Just cover their car in Turkey. Got baloneyed and leave a message that's like, I just gave you a Turkey car. We go in Turkey car. Gobble, gobble, bitch, gobble, bitch. Learn to park.

This shit's hickory smoke, dummy. I just hickory smoked your shit. Not fire. How about a yahoo? Yeah, break me off of a slice. This one was sent in by Louis Dogg again. Thanks, Louis. Keeping it real.

That's by Yahoo Answers user, Dansby, who asks, I think we've actually had a question by Dansby before. That name felt familiar in my mouth. Anyway, Dansby asks, is it OK to use worn out underwear as packing materials for holiday gifts? Well, the holidays are coming up. And I have a big bin full of worn out underwear that our family has been accumulating for a while. I know I need some cushioning material for shipping out holiday gifts. Is it acceptable to use the underwear for this purpose?

Of course, the present will be inside a wrap box, inside the shipping box, so it's not like it will be inside the gift. BQ, what's your favorite winter holiday song? What kind of fucking family are you in? I think my favorite winter holiday song is, you ruined our Christmas with your stinky, awful old underwear that you wrap around the iPod. Why does your family have a bin of worn out underwear? Well, additional details.

Our family tries very, very hard to be eco-friendly. We don't have anything else to use, and the thought of buying extra paper or bubble wrap to waste makes me cry for the earth. You know what makes me cry for the earth? You know what makes me cry for the earth? Your stinky, awful underwear. The wrap that you're shipping through, you're shipping it through the U.S. Postal Service. I send my rent check to my landlord through that.

I get open up, you might live in my neighborhood, I might open up your mailbox and get like a fucking pungent, like a foamy spew of your fucking stinky old underwear that hits me in the nose and stays with me for the rest of my life. And so, fuck. It makes me mad that it sounds like you've already made this decision, because you've been collecting this underwear for a while now. Yeah, what have you even done?

Why are you keeping it? Hey, hey, dude, if you have to send it in dirty underwear, it ain't a gift. It ain't a gift, it's an oppo gift. God damn it. I don't, like, these green questions are straight bombing me out. They're really harshing my mellow. I wouldn't give a fuck if the earth had like six years left in it. If the earth had four years left in it and people didn't send underwear

through the U.S. Postal Service, like, that's a trade-off I'm willing to make. It can go 2012 up in 2016, as long as people stop pooping in bags and sending their dirty ass underwear to their aunt. Well, all I can think is there has to come a moment where, like, you go to pull out a pair of underwear and you're like, oh, this is covered in stains and then elastic is shot and your mom's like, put it in the bin. Like, put it right in the bin.

Get it in the bin. No, fucking throw that shit out. Throw it away. You're not going to reuse those textiles. Don't fucking kid yourself. Hey, check out my new winter coat. Lots of boxers went into this one. Did you get that package?

Did you open that package from Daniel? Yeah, I did. What was inside of it? A bunch of dirty underwear and a picture of a car. So I don't know. How's your Christmas? It's the best Christmas ever. Thanks for asking.

Yeah, my husband got me a picture of a car and my crazy cousin sent me a package of new underwear wrapped in dirty underwear. So it's been pretty good holiday so far. Thanks for being born, Jason. God, I hate everyone. I hate everyone so much, especially green people. Just let it burn.

I know. Let it burn. Let's ride this bitch into the ground. And then everything will be a wasteland. And the population of the planet will be just decimated, but will be a small community and we can start over. And there won't be any internet. There won't be any internet.

And people can't do things like go on the internet and ask if they can send their dirty, stupid underwear to their familial relations. It's like that question of you're extending life, but are you improving life? You know what I mean? If I could live to 200, but I'm buried in a pile of used underpants, I'd kill myself.

Yeah, it's not worth it. It's about trade-offs. The earth's not worth preserving if it's full of a bunch of dirty underwear savers. I care. I'm not talking. Flash forward, like 200 years, to like my great, great, great, great grandkids.

And you're like, hey, how do you like the earth? And they're like, I just wish everyone would throw away their old underwear. This is awful. We are knee-deep in old underwear up in this bitch. Please throw it away. I'm not endorsing a completely hedonistic lifestyle. I recycle.

I just don't think it's too much to ask that we just like, we throw our underwear away. And when you ship things to people, if you don't want to use paper or bubble wrap, you just got to risk it. You got to risk the fact that your presence going to break. Leaves are everywhere. There are leaves.

You love the earth. Use some leaves. Yeah, there are so many other options here. Why is that the option you go to? I would rather rip up my carpet, put it in the box. Or use an old coat. Use an old coat. Don't use the only article of clothing

that touches your balls and everything. I want to hear Griffin's last question. But first, a few housekeeping notes. My brother and my brother and me has a website. It's mbambam.com. If you go there, you can chat with other fans. We've got hundreds of users there talking up. We have ranks now.

So the more you post, the higher your rank is. You can get to, I think, honorary brother is the highest rank. Which everyone should really be shooting for. Strive for that. But you'll also be Jeffrey for a good long while if you get high enough, so that's worth it. We really appreciate everybody tweeting about the show.

The download numbers continue to grow just because you're telling your friends and talking about it. Please, please, please keep that up. If you haven't, give us a review on iTunes. That helps get the word out. And tweet about the show. If you think of it, if you've got room in there, you want to throw a link to the site

just so people know how to get their adventure started. That would be great. And every week, we receive wonderfully funny and insightful questions. But we always want more. We always want to hear from you. You can send in a question. You can send in a comment.

You can tell us about how our advice touched you in some way. Although it should not. It should never touch you. But if we can tickle your funny bone, we just shouldn't tickle your practical bone, your practicality. What if we do? Let us know so that we can be held liable for it.

And you can email us, mbmbam, at gmail.com. You can tweet at us, hashtag mbmbam. The website has all this on there. There's a place to send a question straight through the website. And hit up FormSpring. And maybe eventually, we'll go on there and clear out some of the FormSpring questions, the thousands and thousands we have saved up.

I feel like we should. I don't want to bring the energy down. But I feel like we should address the podcast awards. Both of you? I'm not going to call bullshit. All of the nominees, they're great shows. They're very deserving. But boycott.

I'm boycotting that shit. I got my invitation down in Santa Cruz. Not going. Fuck that noise. Fuck that noise. I even bought a tux and everything. You will not have my attendance, sirs. I'm down with that.

Yeah, me too. We're not going. Thank you, everybody, who voted for us, though. Yeah. I just wish you would try it. You know, maybe a little bit harder. I've decided to start my own podcast awards. And what's it called?

Spoiler alert. We won. The Bambies. The Bambies. The Bambies. You can vote for them at Bambies awards for my brother, my brother, me. Dot com.

No, it's dot gov. Is it dot gov now? Yeah, it's government sponsored. We got a national endowment for the arts thing that we're giving out, like grants. But and we're giving them to each other for Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. One more.

I got you a national endowment to the arts grant and I wrapped it in underwear. It's a picture of a national endowment. It's great. Yeah, it's common. It's common, too. Travis, I don't know if this is something we need to address on the show, but I am curious

why in the show notes you prepared, there is a picture of a dog in a bee costume. Well, Justin, I'm glad you asked. God damn it. This is going to be the longest episode ever now. The bee dog touches us all. In our life, we are touched by the bee dog in ways you can't even begin to imagine.

Why is it there? It's not just this email, though. It's the past three or four emails. There's been a bee dog at the bottom. We've just ignored it, but we're not aware of it. I've embraced the bee dog love. I've embraced the warm love. Is it the same bee dog every time

and I've just been missing this? No, no, no. But it usually is a pug. It almost certainly is a pug bee dog. Well, they make the best bee dogs. They have bee-like features. They got that tiny little nubby tail, looks like a stinger. I think the only problem I have with the bee dog

is that it's sort of... It's nothing. You have no problem with the bee dog. No, no, no. It's looking at me while I'm trying to record the show and saying, I'm effortlessly funnier than you. Just without... What I am doing is funnier than the thing

you are doing right now, just by being in this costume. See, when I look at the bee dog, what I see is him saying, Don't worry, I got it. Whatever that might be, it doesn't matter. I got this thing for you. I just think about what pug nectar tastes like. Yeah, his bad, his bad thing.

Don't forget to pre-order shirts. If you want a sweatshirt, you're gonna help raise money for big brothers, big sisters, and you need to pre-order one of those if you want them. So I'm not sure how much longer we are doing pre-orders. You need to probably figure that out, but act fast because it won't be long. If you order right away,

you can make sure to get your order by Christmas time. So go do that right now, nbba.com. You can see the link on the right-hand side with all our mugs and shirts and all that crap. So, Griffin. This one was sent in, you're not gonna believe this, by Jacob Locker. No one can topple him from this throne that he has built

using his own two hands and clay as the showstopper. That's his new name, Jacob Locker, the showstopper. Wow, that's got a nice, got a rhythm to it. Yeah, I like it a lot. This one was sent in by Yahoo Answers, or it was by Yahoo Answers user, Lynn Craven. Who asks? Does a fart contain DNA?

I'm Justin McAvoy, I'm Travis McAvoy. I'm Griffin. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad, he's going to wear on the lips. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart, hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart, man, these girls are smart. Three stacks, these girls are smart.

Play your part.