My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 38: The Brain Wife

Episode Date: January 17, 2011

Steel yourselves, dear listeners: This week's episode is MBMBaM's most important show to date. Not only are there an unprecedented number of special, memory-making moments, but there's also some big, big news revealed in the first few minutes. Don't panic! We would never do anything to hurt you, only things to please you, and we can confidently say these changes are made in the service of the latter. Suggested talking points: A Brief Big Bad Beetleborgs Phase, The Muffet, Put a Ring Upon It, Urban Legends, On the Wings of Love, Offworlders, Pay it Inward, Corner-Cut Colonoscopy

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to our new friends, welcome to old friends. You've made it once again to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I am your host, Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. And this is a new era. It's a bold new day as you heard from our theme music. This is familiar. It's not too familiar, but it will still be pretty much the same. So it's not exactly like in the song, but you get the basic. It's nothing like the song. It's a good song.

It's a good song. It's a good song. Long mentors gave us permission because we are now fancy, fancy gentlemen. Now, what could have prompted a move like this? Is it the worry of lawsuits from an extremely powerful and rich musical group like ABBA? Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely.

That's 99 percent of it is my fear of death in prison. You think we will die in prison because we don't have the rights to use that song. And here's the weird thing. ABBA, not so good by returning our phone calls. We try our best, but no nice. But but we do want to signify a change because we have it's kind of a big deal today. It's it's exciting news. If this is the first place you're hearing about it, it is it is still pretty exciting,

even if you already know. My brother, my brother, me has joined with the Maximum Fun Network, Voltron like. We are the left foot of the Maximum Fun robot. Could we also be like Megazord? I mean, does it have to be Voltron or can we go into like Mighty Morphin Power? I'm more comfortable with Mighty Morphin Power. Ideally, we would be like Dragon Sword, and we could be like our whole other mech, but I don't think that we'd reach that level.

I'm not going down this road with you guys. There are new people listening. No, no, I'm just saying we pull out our magic green ranger flute, and we summon the dragons. I can't do it. We don't have to make a big deal out of it. I can't do this with you. I can't do it.

Oh, you're thinking more of like a white sabertooth tiger, like Tommy, the red ranger when he came back. One word, I'll quit. I swear to Jesus. No, this is an advice show for the modern era. We take combination of Power Rangers fancasts. And I'm a Power Rangers fancast. We used to do VR troopers too, but that one ran dry.

If we get into Beetleborgs, I quit. We had a brief big bad Beetleborgs face for that. We grew out of that pretty quickly. Now it's pretty much just advice and Power Rangers and Tattoo Teenage Alien fighters from Beverly Hills. We're all about that shit. But no, this is an advice show. We take your questions and questions from various sources

throughout time and space and we transform them alchemy like into wisdom. So, well, I know that if you're new to the show, then you've probably got our old, old friends. Then you've probably got a lot of questions and we will deal with those at the end of the show and try to address those. And of course, we welcome you to get in contact with us. But the practical option is it's all good stuff. It's a really exciting thing for us personally,

but it's not going to represent a big change to the show. It's still going to be the same thing pretty much. I said, we are contractually obligated to stop talking about Power Rangers. It was like the first thing that they said. I don't know what it is. It's just that the Maxfun network and Bandai have just this long-standing grudge. I can't even recall where it started, but... Rancorous is how I discuss the relationship.

It's rancorous. It's full of rancor. They also wanted, Maxfun also wanted us to change the name of the show to chuckle fraternity, but we shot them down on that. So, we're already taking, we are replacing Travis, but that is sacrifices, you know what I mean? We're currently at the point where Jesse Thorne standing in for Tom Hanks would tell us to change the name from the O-neaters to the Wonders.

But you know what, I've had a good run. He served a very important purpose on the show as Gilbert Godfrey's placeholder. Spoiler alert, that is who we're replacing with. We've gotten a lot of notes on the show, and most of them have to do with that. It's just not grating enough to the ears. Sonically, it's too pleasing. They want it to be sonically unpleasing.

So, we're just going to get, we're going to get Gilbert Godfrey on, one week who might have Tom Waits. Just people who are generally unpleasant to listen to. Snooki, make sure to tune in. In fact, what episode? Just no macaroons at all. Just Snooki, Tom Waits, and Gilbert Godfrey. God, listen to that show.

We got a yahoo answer from... That's my Tom Waits. Sam, how it is? That's good. That's very good. All right, enough. Can we say that's also your Tom Hanks? Pussy footin' around.

Let's get into the wisdom, into the knowledge, and let's open it up. This comes to us from Formspring. Hey, in BNBAM, I have a problem falling asleep every night. If I go to bed at 10, I end up falling asleep around one or two. And I usually have to get up early, meaning I only get at most five hours to sleep every day. What do you guys do to fall asleep faster? This is our...

This is our high-energy, max-functional question. This is our high-energy opening, Travis. How do you fall asleep? Well, everyone... Everyone sleeps. Give me some sleep tests. I think I'm gonna appeal to everybody. If you do this intentionally, you're a genius.

If it's an accident, you're a dump. Guys, falling asleep. So far, I would say just listen to this particular episode of our podcast. Step one. Welcome. Well, okay, first... Jerky. I mean, what?

Just jerky, so right. I feel like we're on a first date right now. I feel like we're on a first date with somebody that we met on the internet, and, like, I don't know, everything we say, like, you're gonna just assume... The first words out of your mouth? That's just what we're all about. You're sitting out of the table. It's like, hi, I'm Paul jerking it.

What? That's a weird intro, Paul, but let's go with it. I think if you are still on board by the end of the episode, then we've got you for life. If you've already tuned away, it probably wasn't meant to be. Let me go ahead and change course here and give some advice. Oh, no. No, first and foremost, what's important is to change your habits before going to bed.

Do not read in bed. Do not watch TV in bed. The bed is a place for sleeping. If you train your mind to getting used to doing other things in bed, it'll be harder to fall asleep. Wait, nothing? Well, you're a jerk. That's not it at all.

That's not, like, a good... That's actually really wicked bad advice. That's like bad advice. That's what any sleep therapist will tell you. That your bed is a sleep temple that you can't do anything else in? Well, sleep therapist tell you to have sex in the kitchen? Like, is that what you're saying? No, I'm saying when you're getting ready for bed, not for the sexy time,

but when you're getting ready for bed, get ready for bed. Don't, you know, go to bed and then play video games for an hour. Don't watch TV. You know, you can sex it up in there. But, you know, when you're going to sleep... Just don't make that noise. Just go to sleep. Do not make that noise while you do it.

So, wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight, Travis. What you're saying, and you're claiming to be backed up on medical science here. Yes, yes, I am. That when you get into bed, you should lie perfectly still and just wait. Is that what you're saying? Travis, did Travis learn how to sleep in prison? Because that's what it says.

Wait, should I scream in a stop? Wait, you should just go to sleep. I can't, I don't have a switch like that. I have to fucking trick my body into not being conscious anymore. My body wants to be... But you also drink like bottles and bottles of Nyquil every night. No, no, because that's a slippery slope. Bit down that road.

Like, my body knows that when I'm asleep, I'm basically dead for like eight hours. Sure. And that's, you know, not only terrifying, but wasteful. There's a lot of things I could be doing with my dead time. So yeah, I have to like trick it. I have to like, I have to like sit on my legs for a while until my legs fall asleep and the rest of my body is like, yeah, might as well just go for it. You think about the world we live in today.

It's 2011. At any moment, I could press a button and have any television program or book read to me by the author or movie or anything at my finger. How am I supposed to sleep through that? Like, think about all the amazing things I have at my disposal. How can I convince myself that sleeping would be better than that? Oh, so we're going the opposite way. We're just telling him to like, forget it.

Forget sleep. Make do with that five hours and maybe do something with your life. Have you guys ever tried to drink warm milk? It's foul. It's really gross. You have to like, first of all, you got to chortle down that skin that forms on the top. Like, you have to break the, what's that thing called? The seal?

The Muffet. The Muffet. Yeah, you have to break the Muffet. It's called? The Muffet. Yeah, you got to break the Muffet. Yeah, and that's not a pleasant taste at all. And everybody knows that's where the sleeping is.

You got to drink the skin. You got to get the Muffet down. If you don't drink the Muffet, if you don't drink the Muffet, you'll be up for hours. Can you buy piecemeal Muffet? Yeah, yeah, they're dehydrated Muffet. Really, the only place I've ever seen it, though, is at Cracker Barrel. Yeah, they do. You know, it's like in the old time, you pay for wrapping.

And you're going to see them in the camera. Sure, sure. You play some checkers. You eat some liquor sticks, and then you... The great irony is, of course, that anybody would ever eat at Cracker Barrel and not want to sleep instantly. Like, you need it. But so, eat your Muffets, go to Cracker Barrel, and never read in bed.

I think it's a pretty good takeaway. I've been happily married for three years, but I've been noticing something that I no longer think is a coincidence. I've been getting a lot more attention from ladies ever since I got married. I was never a real lady killer in the first place. That's good. But I did all right. Since I've been married, however, I've gotten flirted with much, much more than I ever did

when I was single. What's up with that? Mike. So Mike is, Mike's now killing, killing ladies. Yeah. That's really cool, because as a chronically single male, that's the one thing that I have. That's the one leg up, is that I have the opportunity to do that if I wanted to. But I don't, and you do, and you can't use it.

So that's cool that you just have this embarrassment of lady attention. That's what I'm really happy for you, Mike. Griffin, have you considered putting a ring on it? That's like that, Adam. Adam Sandler is making a movie about that. And I try to live my life avoiding any phony, baloney, Adam Sandler movie scenarios. Except for the time that I told you that magical remote control. There was that.

And I did go back to elementary school at the age of like 25. So yeah. I'm really worried during that time period, by the way. Yeah. And that was only to recruit for your jump rope team. So I don't think that that's not the same thing. Well, here's my thinking on this. Is that it's not that, I would like to believe enough in humanity that it's not that

every woman is instantly attracted to a guy because he is married. But I think it's more that you become more comfortable. You're not trying to impress anyone. I mean, you've already got your significant other. So you're not working at it, which instantly makes you more attractive. So true. That's it. A hundred percent.

If every single guy listening to the show can take away one thing, it is if you just relax and stop working, it makes you so much cooler. Like women will like you so much more if you're not trying to impress them. Brain married. That's what I call it. You got to be brain married. I like that. I like that a lot.

How deep, how deep does that, that inception go though? Like, I mean, I need to obviously a name for my brain wife, right? I would need a name and like a story of how we met. How I met your brain mother. I'm saying I could invent an entire scenario around a person and then not let anybody know about it except for me. I can do that. Like I've played Dungeons and Dragons.

I'm totally capable of suspending entire, you know, world in my mind. Those two skills dovetail so nicely. Because I know that when I'm trying to stop impressing women, the first thing I do is talk about Dungeons and Dragons. Hi, and you know what? A lot of people try to keep their brain wife secret. I say you open with it. I say, hi, my name is Griffin.

I have an imaginary wife and a great skill at playing Dungeons and Dragons. What do you like to dance with me? And you know something? My favorite December's album is The Brain Wife. So I just wanted to, I thought I'd kill that conversation. Thanks, Griffin. Yeah, you did it. Mission accomplished.

You guys want to hear a Yahoo? I would love to. Yahoo answers. Can you tell us about those, Griffin? Yahoo answers are, they come from a website that is also called Yahoo Answers, and they are written by the Dregs of Humanity. And we take them and we make fun of the people who ask them.

That's not true. We help them. Griffin, don't break the solution for me. I do believe that everybody who asks a Yahoo answer question is beyond help from anybody. Okay, do it. This one was sent in by Matty B. Thank you, Matty B.

It's by Yahoo Answers user Jessica, who asks, help with my own urban legend? In my English class, we're having this huge project on urban legends. My job is to create my own urban legend, but I'm having trouble making a good plot. I need suggestions. I can write romance, horror, suspense, supernatural, par, etc. Wait, what?

I don't, maybe golf? Golf themed urban legends? I don't quite understand. So I'd prefer one of these topics in it. I know there are non-scary urban legends out there, but I like creepy. It can possibly happen to you stories. Does this urban legend have to be about her?

I don't know if it has to be about her or her. What is the name of this e-mailer? This asker? It's Jessica, which is nearly impossible to make sure. She must have been early on the Yahoo Answers train. She was able to get Jessica's username. Oh, that's a pretty sweet username. I hear people are just selling those off now for like six figures.

It's pretty cherry. Oh, Jessica, the legend of Jessica. And then hiding in the back seat, here's Jessica. Like that's not really scary, is it? Maybe we can find some inspiration and some answers. What do you think? Let's just dip in there and see what happens. Answerer one says,

A bad storm comes and everyone is safe, but one young teenage boy. At the same time every morning, weird things happen where his death took place. It begins to attract more and more kids from his school, especially those who were close to him. Things begin to get stranger and stranger. Now that's my favorite part in every horror story, is when things begin to get stranger and stranger. Those who were close to him decide to use a Ouija board

to communicate with him at that same time, the same day a year later. Unfortunately, they learned that it wasn't him the hard way. Wait, wait, no. Best thing I could spring up at this time. Maybe you can work with it and other people's ideas. Wait, wait, wait. The kid lived, I thought. Did it?

Because a bad storm came and everyone was safe, except for one young teenage boy. Please say it again. Yeah. That is the worst urban legend I ever heard. Hey, it's the best thing that they could spring up at this time. The whole point of urban legend is that you tell it to somebody and they go, oh, yeah, I think I know someone that that happened to.

Like, who's going to listen to this? Like, oh, yeah, I remember when that one young boy was in danger from the one storm, even though everyone else was safe. But then a year later, they used a Ouija board, but it turned out it wasn't him the hard way. What? I think he's got stranger and then later stranger. What things?

Your story sounds good. Have you noticed how strange this toast is? Yeah, I also noticed that this cub was strange. Everything's getting stranger and strange. It's getting really strange today. Hey, hey, man. My favorite Stephen King book is the one where my favorite line of his was, and then the guy went to a place and this scary thing happened.

And it got scarier and scarier. They thought it was a scary thing, but it was another one. The hard way. Ghost is shit. What's the easy way to figure out that a ghost is a different ghost? Like, find a note? So wait, did they think, OK. So they tried to get in touch with this little boy Jessica on the Ouija board,

and it turned out that he, is it that he didn't die or that there was another ghost hidden? I think there was another ghost. He definitely died. This is all just a really great spectral coincidence because I mean, ghosts have to hang out where they die, like forever. Ghosts can't just wonder unless they have Beetlejuice powers. But even then, they couldn't leave the house, right? Or else they got eaten by the Dune Sandworm.

I haven't seen that movie in a long time. So I guess two ghosts got killed at the same place, and one was significantly scarier and stranger and stranger than the other one. I don't know. This obviously needs some workshopping. How about answer two? Who says, with my creative mind, I will help you. Oh, good.

That's good. This old woman lives in an old house with an old husband, and at night you can always see a candle lit in the top window of the attic. It is said they practice the occult. I heard it through the grapevine that these old old dudes people say they hear moaning and screams coming from the cellar and home. That's to be specific. Are you hearing screaming?

I am. I can't tell if it's coming from their cellar or from the... Let's go ahead and investigate. Because I don't know if it's from the lower part of the house or the upper part. The cellars are not part of the home proper. I think we can all agree. A cellar is basically a second bullshit home that you keep buried underneath your regular home, because you're so embarrassed of it, because it's just one big stupid room.

Did you guys notice the moaning and screaming that comes from their cellar, or home? Yeah, I heard that they practice the occult. And also there's a candle in the window. Why did you bring up the candle? This is the best story ever. We're talking about a call. Why did you bring up the candle, bro?

Screams and stuff, and it turns out there's a candle in their window. Guys, it's about to get stranger and stranger. Just buckle up. Okay. After about 20 years, the woman and man disappear. The purchaser of the home finds a secret door in the cellar. He also finds marked graves. Wait, wait, wait.

The seller of the person who sold the home to him? Oh, shit. This is getting... Yes, there was a secret door hidden inside the body of the real estate agent who sold this spooky, spooky home. He also finds marked graves. There have been children disappearing for years in the town. Maybe I could have mentioned that earlier. And when they dig up the graves, they only find three of the 14 missing.

Where are the rest? Why are there three there? Right. They say the rest were buried in the backyard. They dig up the backyard to no avail. This is boring. Wait, wait, wait. What?

Here's some other shit that has no significance. Did you hear the one about the guys who went in the forest looking for the monster? There was no monster there, but still it was pretty creepy. Yeah, they got really close for his friends. Another secret door in the attic is discovered. What's it? There are the... There's a candle.

There are the bones and skulls of the remaining 12 children. The old people have disappeared into this day might be your neighbors. I know my neighbors. They are not... It is said with the occult, they were in... They found a way to live forever. Good luck. Are you still going on with this?

Yeah, that's it. Okay. It ends with good luck. Here's a quick lesson. In urban legend. Urban legend. Kid was sticking his head out a window. A car was passing with the dog sticking their head out of the window.

The kid knocked the dog's head off. That's an urban legend. Yeah, or like Chupacabra. Like, these are all good urban legends. Not... Fucking... And then they were like in the basement, but they couldn't find anything. There was an old house with old people in it and there were screams in it and also a candle.

And then 20 years passed and people bought it and they found three out of 14 missing kids and they thought they looked in the backyard, but nope. Griffin. The attic is bones and shit. They're in our ears. Can you tell the thing that's fucking me up is the... Okay. Where is the graveyard?

Is that clarified? I think it's in the... The Marge graves. The secret door in the cellar. No, no, no. The graveyard that they find with the gravestones and stuff. Yeah, it's in the secret door in the cellar. Okay.

Okay, so... Okay. So wait. These old people basically have been killing kids for sacrifice. Yeah. And they went to their basement after they killed them and dug 14 graves and put like marks up and stuff, right? But they only put three dead kids in there.

So they were playing on being far busier than they had planned originally. Is that... Or he got lazy like, Carl, will you please take those dead kids out of the attic and bury them in our cellar grave? I mean, that's the thing, isn't it? First of all, first of all, one thing I just put together... We did it already, June! They dug out the graves and only found three of the 14 children missing, but they found 12 kids worth of bones in the attic.

They found an extra kid. That's 15 dead kid bodies, like... Where did this extra kid come from? I don't know, just check it. Where did these numbers come from in the first place? This guy's typing on y'all here answers. There's like 14 kids, I guess. If you grew up in this fictional town, you would know about the 14 missing kids.

I think we can just assume that. This is like lost. I want to know more about this. This is... Here's my issue. You have one issue. I have one issue. I have one plot point, one hole that my comprehension is falling through.

And they have 11. That is this. All right. So they look in the cellar where there were screams coming from. Right. And they find three of the bodies. And they find the rest in the goddamn attic where no screams were coming from. The screams were either coming from the cellar or the home.

They don't mention the attic. Why are their bodies in the attic? And it's together. From what I understand, these people, these occultists were all this fuck. Like, how are they going to carry 12 kids, 12 super, super dead kids up three flights of stairs assuming the house is two stories tall? Have you ever, ever tried to carry a dead kid? Because it's like cord...

Like it is... It's heavier than you would think. Like... They go limp. Like they go wicked limp. They do not help whatsoever. No, they're not pitching in. Why would these people not get a sink?

I wish the town would all chip in and get these people like a nice, you know, single level. Maybe a wheelchair ramp. Something a little bit more accessible so they can kill kids and not have to put their old, old joints in such disrepair. This is just really bad planning. I expect more from our nation's elderly. Hey, Mbem-Bem. I have this friend on Facebook who comments on almost every single post people put up.

And it's usually just stupid, meaningless things like lull or smiley faces. He's starting to get really on my nerves. And I know other people are annoyed too. I don't want to confront him about this. And deleting him as a friend seems too harsh. Any advice? Oh, man. Leading him as a friend, how will he ever recover?

I know. And you know, I confront him either. But Brad, if you're not going to confront a Facebook friend, you're going to have to deal with the fucking lulls, my buddy. Yeah. This is America. This is one of those, like, it's almost like a trick question where him doing it isn't that bad.

And you telling him to stop doing it isn't that bad. It's fucking Facebook. It's Facebook. Nothing matters. Just don't leave stupid comments. Yeah, either ignore it because it's fucking Facebook. Nothing on the Internet that you do matters, especially not on Facebook. Yeah.

Now, if he was coming over your house every day and like knocking on your door and saying lull and running off, by all means kill that man. No, no, that'd be awesome. Whatever. I would love that. I need that friend in my life. What if you could have him like, what if you could have him mindfine your couch? So you're talking to your brain wife and you make a really good zinger and he just pops up lull.

And then he just, okay, I'll take it back. That would rule. It would be awesome, right? He just makes a smiley face with his face and then goes away. And he just gives her a thumbs up and says, I like this. And then goes away. Who's at the window? There's somebody at the window and it's Frank.

He's smiling. He's smiling. Just letting us know that this video we were talking about is really funny. There are some people like that on the Internet that just they're incapable of either creating or finding things that are awesome. So they just, you know, they react to them, but they do it with two to four keystrokes. That's, that's like all the energy that they have in them. And that's fine.

Those people have their place. I appreciate the economy of that because if he was getting on and every single thing everyone posted and he would type out a paragraph describing while he, why he enjoyed that thing and why others should enjoy it too. Do you just put a smiley face so I can ignore it and move on with my life and get back to Farmville? You know, like, like is a good button. Tell them to start using like, tell them that you,

tell them that you give 10 cents to charity every time he clicks like on something and it just, and doesn't comment on it. Let's go a little more life affirming. We have a, we have a special question. Who did, who did this one come to us from Griffin? This one was sent in by one Mr. Jonathan Anderson. Okay. Well, and you know what?

It's such a special occasion. Let's let Jonathan ask himself, what do you think? Go for it. Hey guys, this is John from Brooklyn and I'm in need of a bit of advice. I've been dating my girlfriend Katie for the last four years. We met at college and have been madly in love ever since. I've recently dropped stacks on a engagement ring for her, but just can't think of the best way to do it.

Can you guys tell me how to, how I should propose to this, the love of my life? Thanks guys. Bye-bye. A fine question. A difficult, a difficult thing to do, do well. We, we've actually answered this question before, but it was a, it was a total phony joke. And this time, unless Jonathan's running the short grift on us, I think it's legit. Yeah, I think it's legit.

Welcome, what a treat for our maximum fun friends, our new maximum fun friends, that they are here for our very first, very real wedding proposal. Now, maybe we could just walk Jonathan through this step by step. Yeah. Okay. I mean, he's in the moment right now, like listening to our voices. This is, this is the most magical moment of his entire life. Okay, step one.

Taking the left or right doesn't matter. No, right knee. Because if you take a left knee, go right knee. Go right knee. The divorce rate is 50-50. It's because of the knees. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So go right knee or it's over. Right. Okay. Now you're going to reach in your pocket and make eye contact. This is very important. Don't fall over. Don't fall over because then you'll be a joke.

Yeah. Yeah. And look her straight in the eye. I hope if she has eyes, let's say she has eyes. Okay. Look her straight in the eye. Okay. And no, like, no, not like that, Jonathan.

You're looking too serious. Like, look, it's a good, it's a good moment. Have like a half smile. Half smile. Like a half, like knowing smile. That's good. That's good. That's good.

Now, sweat a little bit more than you are right now. Yeah. Can you give your hair a little must just to give it some rakeish charm? There we go. Okay. That's good. Great. He's already done it.

We've done it. We took too long. No, no, no. He's still, he's still in the moment. He's step by step. Okay. Now you're going to pull your hands out, but you're going to do this like clam shell kind of thing. We're like, you're covering something up in your hand.

What could it be? And it's a candy. It's a where there's original. Catch her off guard first. She won't see that coming. And explain to her that you got her a picture of a ring. It's a ring you got off Craigslist and a picture of it because the guys that brought it by yet, but he seems straight up.

No, you have a ring. You get the ring out. You open the ring, but open it sort of close to her face so it looks bigger. This is key. You got to do this. You got to do it just that way. Now pull back a little bit because you're freaking her out. Yeah.

Now, and hopefully she's crying at this point. Oh, she's openly weeping. Okay, good. It's happy tears though. Okay. Do we know her name? Katie. It's Katie.

Katie. Katie. Look at this boy, Katie. He is here for you. He's chosen the most romantic way that I could think of to ask you to be with him forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. And I straight up, I mean this with all respect. You're not going to do any better.

No, no, no. Like he's the best you're going to do. Look at Jonathan Anderson. Are you kidding me? That's the most powerful. That name is just that's that's a virile name. It's full of guys. It's full of them and vigor.

You can't get any better than that. His knee is starting to hurt guys. We got to we got to bring this out. All right. So we're going to put on some something. We're going to put on some some mood music. Justin's going to put on On the Wings of Love. We're going to edit that in right now.

I definitely won't forget to do that. Okay. So now, oh, that's good. That's going real good. Now, Jonathan, look her in the eyes. We're going to give you like literally three seconds to say something special. Go. Oh, and then okay.

Now ask her to do it. Katie, come back. Katie, no way. Oh, hey, Jonathan. Listen. Hey, wait, she's back. She's back. Okay.

She rethought it. She rethought it. It looks like that looks like a big yes. So congratulations. This is a weird way to do this because we have no way. He said he was going to send in their send in their response. God almighty. You got it.

I really hope it's a yes. This is my thing. It's just so sad. Jonathan, listen, if it's not a yes, you can never let us know. We couldn't take the rejection, honestly. What do you think he said? How do you think he phrased it? How do you think he said?

I think he just said, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. It seemed like such a good idea before, but now it seems like a really bad idea that I had. Let's not tell the kids. We'll never tell the kids. Write us in five years and we'll help you come up with a story. That would really happen.

What if he just said, like, get at me? He just put that ring out there. I was just like, hey, get at it. Get it. He looks at it and he says, hey, we're at his first date ever, right? Hey. Now that. Congratulations, you two.

I'm sure it went well. Or condolences, by the way. Yeah, one of those two. Hey, how about we break up the flow a little bit with a Yahoo. Okay. This one was sent in by Jonathan Bartram. Thank you, Jonathan Bartram.

It's by Yahoo answers user Donnie J. Who asks, do aliens go to heaven and hell also? There is no way Earth is the only planet with life out of billions of planets. So does aliens from other parts of the universe go to hell and heaven also? Or is it only strictly for humans? We've addressed the concept of, you know, extraterrestrial spirituality in a previous episode where we established that each planet does, in fact, have its own Jesus. Right.

So everybody knows that. I think that it only makes sense that other planets would have their own heavens, too. Because I don't want to sound like a bigot or nothing. I don't want to spend eternity with a bunch of off-worlders, which is. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. As everyone knows the racist term for outer space. Here's the thing, though.

This is what you're forgetting. By alien, you are implying that is someone from another planet coming to our planet. And as everyone knows, if you die on this planet, you're under the jurisdiction of Earth God. Of Earth God, Jesus, yeah. A lot of people, a lot of planets will actually like, if you're an alien and you do something really terrible, like you'll make a run for the border and then try to die when you cross it. Because Mars Jesus and Mars God will follow you right to, like, the border.

You know that asteroid belt between the two? It'll follow you right there. And then it's sort of like smoking the band. They're like, throw his hat down. Like, oh, god damn it. Got away again. And then you got to go die on Earth. And then Earth.

But Earth Heaven beats the shit out of Mars Heaven. It beats the shit out of basically our whole, the whole Milky Way thing that we have. Earth is totally the best. I think we can all agree. Well, if you come from Mars, yeah. But if you die on Earth and then go to Earth Heaven, a lot of people think it's a step down because they're still making coffee from pots instead of like those pods, like single serve up in Earth Heaven.

And Earth. But to be fair, have you guys ever visited Neptune Heaven? That's the party heaven. Is it really? Is that party heaven? Yeah. That is the party heaven. Don't be wrong.

Their infrastructure is shit. Like there's no clean water and the bathrooms suck. But it is a rave 24-7. It's a very, it's a very cold, moist planet. So I think that, I guess that raving is really all they have to do there. You know, if you drink a tube of fluorescent while you're in Neptune Heaven, nothing happens. So it's like the best thing. If you drink a glow stick, you mean?

If you drink the glow stick, yeah. Exactly. No grip, a tube of fluorescent. That's why the words wouldn't come. That's what they called them in the UK. Yeah. Give me a team of that fluorescent juice. Go blind me.

Oh, good. That's great, Travis. We're showing off our talents on this, our first Maximum Fun episode. It's quick. Griffin, play the spoons. No, but you, do you know what happened when they declassified Plua as a planet? All those spirits were injected into the inky blackness in space. They had to close Plua's scientist.

Thanks, scientist. You sent a bunch of souls to oblivion forever. Yeah, Plua Nash is actually about him looking for the spirit of his grandma to rescue it from the abyss. That's true. That's science. All joking aside. Yeah, finally.

This is why the space race is still so, just so vitally important, because we've only spread the word of Earth Jesus to the moon. And that's, that's it. The rest of, I mean, we shoot satellites with Earth Jesus's message, like into the stars, into the heavens. But, but I don't know. I feel like that's not as effective as, you know, an actual astronaut arm with the, the good book and maybe a few chick tracks.

So just support NASA with all your money, because it'll help save aliens from going to hell forever. You don't want aliens to go to hell and Mars hell. Forget about it. Mars is already basically hell. Yeah. And then you add on the fact that it's hell. You don't want any slice of that.

I take city buses to and from my college campus. And last month I noticed a dollar on the floor above my feet. Since no one was near me and no one seemed to be freaking out over lost money, I decided to take it. I feel that if I had asked any other passengers if it was theirs, any unscrupulous individual would have claimed it was theirs, regardless of whether it was or not. What's the proper etiquette in this situation?

Is it better to ask around or is it a reward for the first person to notice it on the ground? Sincerely, victim of circumstance. Victim of circumstance. What year are you living in that a dollar is worth thinking about? Yeah. I wouldn't even pick it up. I tear it in half.

Have you seen the economy? It's not only the tremendous physical effort that goes into bending down and retrieving an item from the ground. It's, you're basically, you're selling your own shame whenever you pick up money off the ground. You are selling your shame because you should be ashamed because you're like a dog. You're like a plebe.

You're like a peasant picking up whatever scraps of currency that people have left lying around for you. It's shameful. And I don't think that a dollar is a good exchange rate. I wouldn't do it for anything less than 10. I read in Monaco that the rich are, have been taking up, throwing money on the ground and waiting for poor people to pick it up. Yeah, for like, for sport.

So that, you don't want to be the puppet in the game, like in hard talk with John Goff Van Dam, where you're playing a rich man's game. Like you want to, you want to be your own man who doesn't bend over for money. Now Fiverr, all right. Fiverr is, Fiverr is, I don't know. It's a gray area in my mind.

I say one, fuck no, coins. Don't be, don't be a child. Don't even think about coins. Now see, I disagree with that. If it's a quarter, I'll pick it up because who doesn't always need a quarter? That's the thing, man. Parking meters, I always need a quarter.

Yeah. And who doesn't always want some gum? And you're like, who has coins? No one has coins. Yeah. You're basically, it's a future, it's an investment in future gum if you pick up a quarter.

A dollar, though, you can't even get a soda with a dollar bill anymore. Quarter is still useful. You know what I do? What? I just pick people's pockets, just take it right out of their pockets. Chance cuts out the middle, man.

Yeah. They're probably going to drop it anyway. Yeah, they want you to have it. They want you to have it. Now Penny's talking me started on Penny's. Oh, fuck Penny. If you give me, Penny's has changed, like at the Costco or the Speedway,

I will throw them back in your face. I think bending over to pick up a dollar is a hundred times worse than picking up a penny. Mathematically, yes. Thank you. What is the largest amount of money that you guys have found just like lying around in the wild

or that you didn't have to work for? You just sort of, you happened upon it and you made it your own by way of your actions. I found $64 once. I found $60 in an envelope at Kings Island on a church trip. And I think the good earth Jesus-y thing to do would have been to give it to the lost and found

so it could be returned. Because, you know, you're a kid, you put your money in an envelope when you go to a theme park because you don't have a wallet yet, but man, no. Please tell me you did that. Oh, I put that, oh, that shit went right in my pocket.

I bought a fanny pack with that money. Ironically, if that kid had made that a vessel, he wouldn't have dropped his money. Yeah, well, no, I took the money, I took the remainder of the money and put it right in the fanny pack because I was a pretty street-wise young kid. You're a sucker.

I'm no sucker and I wore it with the buckle on the front so that nobody could snap it off on me. Nice try, kid. I found $64 at work and I did the right thing and like gave it to my boss and said, someone's probably gonna come asking for this. And they didn't, which meant 30 days later, my boss just like randomly handed me $64.

So I was like, oh, here's this, by the way, no one picked it up. And it was like the sweetest like, hey, thanks for doing the right thing bonus. But I don't think you get that same response from a dollar. Like if you went through the bus driver and said, excuse me, dear sir, I believe someone dropped this, please hold onto it for me for 30 days

in case someone comes to claim it. Sure. No, just go out and buy, I don't know, a pop. What can you buy for a dollar? When you're at work, you don't really have a choice in the matter, do you? Because I could just like, when I worked at GameStop, like I could just like open up the register

and be like, oh, I found $2,300. But do you know, I guess it's mine now. So I guess what we're saying is steal. Yeah, but don't like go look him. And by the way, this is not rocket science. If you find a larger amount that's actually worth your investment, pick it up, see if anybody, look around,

see if anybody's like giving you the stink eye, and then say, did anybody lose some money? And then they have to tell you exactly how much it was. Yeah, just don't say I get somebody lose $64. Because everybody will say, yes, right. I would never do that. I'm sorry, I would never do that. If I find money on the ground, it's mine.

And I'll tell you why. It's because I lost my wallet at Camden Park, which is weird because I just told two theme park related stories in the same breath. Like I lost my wallet. And there were maybe $8 in it because I was just a little baby boy. But I did have my learner's permit in there

and some other important shit. And nobody turned my wallet in. They kept it for the $8. The immense hassle I had to go through to get a new learner's permit and a new, I had my social security card. I had some shit in there, some important shit. And it was gone forever over $8.

That's just that made me the angry shell of a person I am today. If I find any money or any object on the ground, it's mine. Sorry. So it's like pay it forward. It's pay it backward, actually. It's pay it inward. Excuse me?

It's pay it inward. If somebody does something shitty to you, you do three shitty things to the rest of the planet. You feel better about yourself. You don't feel better about yourself. You just get angry and angrier. And then at the end. So you feel worse.

And at the end, you kill Haley Joel Osmond. I won't watch that movie. But that's the termination of all the wickedness that you've been building up. It all dies with him. He dies for you. Haley Joel Osmond died for all your miniscule sins, like he being $8.

He was Pluto Jesus. He was Pluto Jesus. Do you think the way I'm talking right now, and I have been talking for the best two minutes, is like how all criminals got started? Why? Why did you murder that family? Because I lost my wallet at Kenham Park,

and nobody turned it in. Eight goddamn dollars. Eight goddamn dollars. I had to go to the DMV, pay like 35 bucks, take the fucking test over again. It like completely ruined my entire day over eight dollars. It's not worth it. Apparently it ruined your life.

You're a bitter human being. Yeah, really. You're really angry about this. Do we want to do one more Yahoo? Absolutely. Do we wrap it up? Okay, break me off something. You must have something to problem.

Oh, man. Oh, do I? This one was sent in by Shonin413. Thank you, Shonin. It's by Yahoo Answers User, question mark. Who asks? Okay. I need to perform a colonoscopy to myself.

I need a colonoscopy performed on me, but unfortunately in these economic times, I cannot afford a doctor. I'm pretty sure I could do it myself. But what should I get to perform? The only store near me is a Home Depot, so the tools need to be from there. What items should I get?

I have a very low budget, so don't pick anything too expensive. You're going to need a rubber hose. You're kind of tying our hands. I want a homemade colonoscopy, but I got maybe eight bucks that I can drop on this. I found in a wallet. I found in a wallet at Camden Park,

and now I'm going to spend it on a butt camera. Can you help? Now, I can't imagine the kind of yoga one has to go into to operate the self-but camera. The tech. You can't afford it. The tech requirement is outrageous. I would say the smallest camera that I own is my iPhone 4,

and even that is going to be, if you'll forgive the term, a stretch. The thing that bothers me is not just that he doesn't just want to do a home one. He wants to do a home one on the cheap. You can't say, I'm going to be cutting. Yeah, you're already cutting the biggest corner. There are no other corners to cut.

It's oblong now. You can't no longer cut corners. You're out of them. I'm all about pioneer spirit. I'm all about DIY. I'm all about looking up shit on the internet and then doing that shit without getting help from my people. You're looking up shit in your...

But not... But this is a bridge too far, dog? Yeah, yeah, it is. This is... I love value. Like everybody who knows me, they say, Justin Bargahire, that's what everybody calls me. This is too much.

You've gone too far. Nine months ago, before we started doing this show, I would have thought this was a joke, but reading the answers is like, it's a real concern. Yeah, it's a real concern. Take a flexible hollow half-inch diameter flex hose about two or three feet long. Stop it.

Take a webcam housing off around the lens and circuit board. Run a cable attached to webcam lens and circuit board through the hose. Insert circuit board into flex hose and mount camera lens even with the tip of the hose. Grind a flashlight lens down into the diameter of the hose. Cover... No!

Plug your computer in and turn the webcam on. Ram the device off your ass and look for the... Step six, kill cell. Can I make a humble suggestion of maybe sell your fucking computer and get a colonoscopy? Like as long as we're leaking outside the box? Can we start a fundraising drive to get this dude to a colonoscopist?

Why is this your... Why is that the plan? How about... How about what are some ways I can get some more money? Like I need more money. I guarantee if you went to any doctor and said, I'm thinking about giving myself a self colonoscopy unless you do it for free.

Doctor will do it for free. I'm gonna hurt myself in my butt really bad if you do not come give me a hand here. I'm gonna give it to you straight, doc. You can either A, give me a free colonoscopy, or B, take a homemade colonoscopy camera out of my brothel in two hours. You decide.

This is how we're gonna get healthcare. This is how we're gonna get healthcare pushed through congress. Is everybody calls their local... Their local representative and says, hey, I'm about to irreversibly damage my rectal wall if you do not get this shit approved. Hey, Obama. Hey, Obama.

I'm gonna hurt myself. This one's on you, bro. Yes, yes, we can stick a webcam up our assholes. Good news. I appear to be cancer-free. Bad news. I'm never not defecating. Anytime you see me, basically.

I broke whatever flange or cap is supposed to be there. Dear Yachter answers, I'm never not defecating. Can you give me some homemade solutions? There's only a little deeper near me. I need to be able to stop having boundaries at that point. But good news, I can Skype for my anus, which is pretty cool. That is really nice. I own a new hit website.

Never not defecating. Never not defecating is also my favorite podcast. That's one of my favorites. Jimmy Fardo, there. What do I care? What do I care? It was just right there. I'll just snatch it out.

This has been... My brother, obviously. I'm so sorry. Like, you came aboard. You trusted the recommendations of people who you've come to know and love over these years, and this is what it has gotten you. Maybe if nothing else, you've learned a valuable lesson about trust.

I want to hear Griffin's very last question that we'll use to finish the show. But some housekeeping stuff. You can always find us at mbnbam.com. We will always be there. There, you can find all the methods for asking us questions. mbnbam.com. At gmail.com is our email address to get in contact with us.

We have a Twitter account at mbnbam where you can ask us questions there, or you can... We love it when people tweet questions using the mbnbam hashtag without that at at the beginning so everybody can see it. Our quotes from the show, people like to do that sometimes. And we always really appreciate it. We have formspring.me for slash mbbam.

We haven't mentioned it in a while, but we do have the phone number, which is... Yeah. Griffin. It's 203 mbnbam1. So, real quick, so that's for the new folks. New folks, thank you so much for joining us. Please, if you like what you heard, subscribe on iTunes,

or, you know, I guess, Zoom or whatever, BlackBerry or whatever other methods you like to use to listen to your podcasts. And please come back next week. We put a new episode up every Monday. Very rarely do we miss one, so make sure you come out for that. You can also follow us on Twitter. I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy.

And I'm Griffin McRoy. But you can also set out. Yeah, you probably sort that out yourself. People who've been with us before now, I know that it might seem you might be a little worried. So, let me get the most important thing out first. Nothing is going to change. Everything's going to be the same.

Except for everything. Nothing gold can stay, Pony Boy. Well, we did change. We did change the theme song. That did change. Yeah, that did change. But the show's going to stay the same. Our website, you will see, will move over to Maximum Fun.

You'll still get to it through nbam.com. But we're going to move the website over there and the forums over there, which I know that's kind of like, oh, we've already been posting stuff. But everything can be the same there as it was. Our two families, there's so much overlap that I think that everyone's just going to get along really great. It's like cheaper by the dozen, right?

It's like cheaper by the dozen. Step by step. It's like step by step. Oh, that's so much better, Travis. Thank you. It's like step by step. You're welcome. And like our family.

I call Cody. I'm Cody. We are the Patrick. Fuck. Hi, I'm Patrick. Fuck. What's that dude's name? Tom Wopat.

No. Patrick Dempsey. Patrick. No, fuck. The guy from step by step, the dad. I know it. I just don't want to tell you. Duffy.

OK. We're the Duff. And we're the Patrick Duffies. And you are the Suzanne Summers. Yeah. No, and we would like to welcome all of our new listeners that found us through maxfun.org. And also all of our listeners that have never taken a chance

to check out, you know, Jordan just to go or Sound of Young America or any of the other ones. Stop what you're doing right after you finish this podcast. Yeah, run. Don't walk and download. We got started doing podcasts because of because of listening to the Maxfun network. So so really go go subscribe to all of their shows

and listen to them. We promise we will not get jealous. We we not like that. We have an open relationship with you. The you're going to see we're going to have new merch and stuff. And all that will be will be revealed at a later point how we're going to be handling that. But because we don't know.

Oh, and and and also we're going to start doing promotions on the show, which if you if you've heard other shows on the maximum fund network, then you know how those work. If you want to do a personal or commercial message, we can we can definitely do that for you if you want more, you know, details on on price or how to get started. You can you can email Teresa at maximum fund. That's Teresa within H.

But it's not going to be, you know, like it's not going to impede your listening pleasure. No, no, no, promise. It won't be it won't be an annoying promise. We'll make it funny for you. Well, we'll have some. Oh, don't worry. We made a wedding proposal serious.

There's a fifty fifty chance it is not funny at all. So I'd say there's a fifty fifty chance that we got fucking taking for a ride. You think we got great. Yeah. But if we didn't congratulate, that's why we got home cuddling his brain wife. Don't use us to propose to your brain wife, please.

Um, if you have questions, this is not a joke. If you have questions, email us or concerns. You've been with us the whole time. You're worried about what what what the future holds. Uh, please email us. The only thing that we're probably not going to negotiate on is the music. Trust us, guys. We it that would it be like, hey, they changed music.

It would be like, what happened to Justin Travis? They're in jail. They're in Swiss jail. They were extradited immediately. Uh, so so don't worry. Don't worry about that. But, uh, anything else questions or concerns, um, or just congratulations. We get what that's nice in BNB AM at gmail.com.

Shoot us a line. Let us know what's going on our call, either way. And thank you so much for your support. Yeah. Over the months, because it's been it's really because of you guys, um, that we're still doing this. And the main reason we wanted to to join up with Max Fun is just to expand to other people, introduce other people to show, grow the family.

As it were, if you've seen the hit show, Sister Wife, it's basically like that. We're basically the newest sister wife. Um, but then again on the new, the newest sister wife is the only one who's not, not gross looking, not saying that that's a, that's a, that's a direct allegory to us. I'm just saying I just watched Sister Wife for the first time and man, holy shit, what a crazy show. That's it. That's it. That's good for a ride.

A good point. A good point. Hey, you guys have ever seen Sister Wife? What's up with Sister Wife? Just this week for my sister wife, my sister wife and me. We're going to close out the show with, uh, uh, a last question to sort of grow on and, and think about them all over, uh, in the, in the ensuing week. Thank you to new friends and old.

Thank you so much for your support. We really do love you very much. So happy that you're just so excited and just so excited. Generally just bold horny. So horny. This one is sent in by John and Tony Majiggers. Thank you, John and Tony.

It's by Yahoo Answers user, Lois Griffin is in Germany. Uh, who asks? What country is Queen Latifah ruler of? Just McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother and my brother. I mean, kiss your dad and score wear on the lips.