My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 40: Fresh Out of Aardvarks

Episode Date: January 31, 2011

In a weird twist, we've decided to spend time this episode to actually provide our listeners with practical advice. You know, things you'll use every day -- like phone etiquette, or tips for naming your Chinchilla breeding business. Suggested talking points: The Sandiego Slip, Wizard Pizza, PCP Juice, Minus Tephen, Doing the Deed, Vine-Ripened, Chin Deep

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Is anybody remember Laughter? That's one of my favorite lines from the hit movie, Almost Famous. I remember laughing. It was just one Monday ago when I listened to my brother, my brother and me, but the sun has gone around the earth seven times. Is that it? That's how it goes, and we're back for another episode of Jokes and Chorkels.

And Jokes and Chorks and Mighty Ducks. And I'm Mighty Ducks. Quack. This is my brother, my brother and me. It's an advice show for the modern era. I am Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. So our show is that you ask us things, and then we take those things, and we make you sound smarter by giving you the answers to all your problems. So let's get right into the answers to the problems. I get ultra nervous around famous people. How can I work through my fear and build up enough courage to talk to Felicia Day or Bruce Campbell at the Chicago Comic Con this year? That's from Chasman Rowe. The easy answer is you don't. Don't. Don't do that. What do you need with

you? Just what do you have to say to people like them? Do you have something to say? Do you have something to say? They're lives are so much cooler than yours. Well, the thing is, it's win-win, though. Like, what are you going to say to them where Bruce Campbell is going to make the decision not to hang out with you anymore? Like, what have you got to lose? Travis is really the one to be answering this question, because we usually, if we see a celebrity or something, what we do is we tell Travis to go talk to him. Oh, God. Yeah, he's our envoy to the stars. Well, the nice thing is you can walk up to Bruce Campbell and be like,

hey, Bruce, shove it, and then walk away. He has no idea who you are. Like, you have neither- Yeah, because they don't have feelings. Well, but if you walk up and you say the nicest compliment you could possibly construct, or the meanest insult, your stock doesn't go down in Bruce Campbell's eyes. That's true. This conundrum is all in your head. If you say to yourself, like, screw it, I'm just going to be normal and polite, that's the number one thing. What you don't want is for them to walk away thinking, man, what a weirdo. What a weird guy. Now, speaking of this, Travis, did you or did you not once give Bruce Campbell

a cookie? Is that accurate? I did. I did give him a cookie, because he was talking about how everybody was giving him hand-drawn pictures of Ash and action figures that they had made in their basement, working on it for several weeks. Ash Ketchum? Yes, of Ash Ketchum. And I was like, well, do you want a cookie? I didn't make it, but you can have it. And he was like, that's the greatest thing anyone's ever given me. So anyone who sees Bruce Campbell at Comic-Con, give him a cookie. He's down, man. I guarantee he did not eat that cookie. He did not. Hey, Darlene, throw this in the poison box for me. It's chocolate chip and pills.

I cried into it just a little. Just remember, when it comes to talking to famous people, really your only goal should be that for years to come, you can tell your friends how you talk to Bruce Campbell. Yeah, it's not going to matter much to Bruce Campbell, ultimately. If you expect them to look at you and go, man, that was a really witty thing you just said. You seem like somebody I could be best friends with. Yeah, that's not happening. That's the thing. You've got to be realistic about what the interaction is going to be, because they're not going to walk away thinking, man, I wish I had more time to chill with that,

dude. It's just not how people's brains are wired. Just try to make the best impression possible and be confident. That's the number one thing. Although, I bet the only thing Bruce Campbell hates more than when people come up to him and are super skin-peelingly awkward are the people who think they can hang on the same level as Bruce Campbell, or even worse or cooler than Bruce Campbell. You want to be reasonably complimentary. You want to be like, I love your work. Keep up the good stuff. See you later. That's it. That's all you need to do. I do want to make a note about Felicia Day. That is a different situation. Just don't do that. Yeah, don't talk to her. Just don't talk to her. She gets out all the

time. Let it go. But Dr. Bruce Campbell, he seems all right. Felicia Day from everything I've heard is very nice. I haven't spoken to her. Well, I'm sure she's very nice, but the odds are you're going to walk up and no matter what wonderful compliment you have formulated in your head, it's going to come out like this. Yeah, you're just going to start. You're just going to start expectorating while your hair is red. I recently moved to a new city to be with my girlfriend. Mistake. Yeah. There's like in parentheses. It doesn't mistake. Yes. At first it was difficult, but well, well, I wonder who could have told you that could have been our first episode. Yep. At first it was difficult, but now things are going well and I've recently been hired on

to do my dream job. However, the most important thing in my life by which I mean my motivation is this girl. She recently informed me that she's moving to a city an hour and a half away and said so nonchalantly as if it had not been a consideration of the decision making process. Is she packing her bags and moving away? I love this guy. Dude, she's giving you the Carmen San Diego slip. She goes from Nashville to Norway. Hey, Ricky, where is where is Tracy? I don't know. I have to go buy an atlas shoes. Where's your girlfriend? How familiar are you with country flags? Because I need someone who can identify them to find my girlfriend. Hey, first off, that's some cold shit. I just want to tell you that she did that she's telling

to you. So you move to, to Nowheresville, Indiana, and she says, I am moving an hour and a half away. Is that the is that the way this shakes out? Really? I've got to tell you, dude, honestly, I love you because you listen to our show and I know that you love this girl. This, that doesn't sound like the actions of somebody who cares enough about you. No, especially to drop it. Like it's one thing to be like, listen, you know, I've had this opportunity come up. I can't turn it. But you just be like, oh, P.S. I'm moving. Peace. Like, BT dubs. Yeah, that's right. The nonchalantly is what really bothers me. I mean, maybe she's, you know, I do that. I think everybody does that where you feel really bad about something. So it's not a

big deal. It's not an effective defense mechanism in the slightest. But, but I've, I've done it before. I mean, 90 minutes isn't, isn't too bad. It's not like as far as long distance relationship goes, it's not too bad. But I don't know. She's the only one he knows there. Yeah. And also, he moved to a city to be with her. And then she, yeah, like if they were in the same city to begin with, and then she moved an hour and a half away, no problem. But to him to relocate himself, and then she moves away. Here's a little tough love. You might want to take a step back from the situation and kind of take stock of the relationship, because you might be a little too close to it, and it might not be going as well as you think. We got another email here. I keep moving away

from my boyfriend. And then he moves to where I am. What is he going to get at the hint? Love, lost in Las Vegas. I say you just got hired to your dream job. It's time to make a new home, an hour and a half away from your ex-girlfriend. Yeah. You need some time for you. You really do. You need to take some time and see where it goes. Don't follow her again. If she, if you want to like cool things off and see if it's still working out in a few months, cool, but you just got a good job. And you really, the fact that she would do that without really thinking about you that much, it doesn't, it's worrisome. Let's put that way. It's worrisome. So I agree with Travis. Take stock. Just bury yourself in your work, because really work is the best girlfriend

that a guy could ask for. Yep. I have 13 goddamn Yahoo answer questions. Let's just do them back to back to back to back to back. Yeah. Okay. Let's kill ourselves. I think it'd be good to start out with this one. It was sent in by Randy May. Thank you, Randy May. It's by Yahoo Answers user Sarah who asks, why do I sleepwalk to the toilet, sit there and cry? Ever since I was a child, I would sleepwalk to the bathroom and just sit on the turlet, not go into the bathroom and cry. The thing is, I'm usually conscious of it. So am I sleepwalking? Why am I doing this? Hey, no, you're like really depressed. You're like you've been super depressed your whole life. Your whole life. And the thing you're doing is the most depressing thing I've ever heard of. So

it's like a cyclical. You're making yourself more depressed. You're not sleepwalking. You can't sleep. You're conscious. You're conscious. Sometimes I sleepwalk, but I didn't lay down to go to sleep. But I did this really super depressing thing. Everybody, yeah, everybody in the answer section agrees that this is just stone cold depression. Can I just say right now, if you post a question on Yahoo Answers and everyone in the answers is like, if everyone on Yahoo Answers isn't where you have a problem, bad news, if there's not one person in the answers who's like, no, there's completely normal, then you've broken Yahoo Answers and it's time to stop. Because there's some fucked up things that people will endorse on Yahoo Answers. It'll

just be raw in there. Yahoo Answers users are Jeremy responded. It's probably hard gas and depression. So hard gas? That was so culmination. Sounds bad. Thanks for coming into my office today, Fred. I've been listening to your stomach. Sounds like you got hard gas. That's where it crystallizes. We're going to get some little miners in there and really get that out for you. Hard gas is the hardest thing to do with that you can have. It's harder than diamonds. Hard gas. What's wrong with you, Yahoo Answers? So she goes to sleep and she says, I need a walk. I'm going to go to the toilet and sit on it and cry. But she's not asleep is the thing. Is the thing is she's not asleep. That's not sleep vlogging.

She's just unconsciously, she's just like, you know, you do that from time to time. You time travel. You're like, oh, how do I, why am I doing this? Like how am I, why am I sitting on my porch? I'm not even wearing pants. What's going on? Maybe I went to like the worst hypnotist show ever. Every time you see Jay Leno's face, you will stand up from your bed, you will walk to your toilet and you will cry. To be fair, I do that every time I see Jay Leno's face do. Hey, whenever I call a pizza place, the first thing they say is, how can I help you? I've gotten in the habit of saying I'd like a pizza, but I think anything that sounds a little patronizing. Of course, I'm ordering a pizza. When I call a restaurant with pizza in its name, what's the proper etiquette

here? How do I get through the pizza ordering process quickly and without seeming rude? Thanks, Carol. I like this one a lot. Travis, is it caro or did you just paste it improperly? No, it's caro. Okay, caro. Not caro. Um, no, I like that. This is, uh, um, that's a matter than my usual, which is, I say any pies today. I just yell zombie bra. Zombie bra. What's the Zaw situation over there? I like this a lot. I think that when you, when you call, um, any, any sort of food business, you should explain as explicitly as possible the, the steps, the, the processes that brought you to, to this phone call. Like, hi, uh, Papa John's. This is Griffin. Um, I, I understand that you have pizza. Uh, I'm Anita pizza. Uh, I am calling your particular

location because that's close to my apartment. And, uh, also I've heard great, great things about your garlic dipping sauce. So, uh, can we just begin the exchange right now? Or do you have, do you have any questions for me? I shouldn't, I shouldn't be so presumptuous. What are the possibilities that you could bring me a pizza? Do I need to come get the pizza? What is the pizza situation at your location? I don't want a pizza. What I'd like is a round crust with sauce, cheese and toppings melted on top. Can you do that for me? Is that a possibility? Hey, uh, I gotta, I gotta tell you, this guy's working at the pizza place. There is not like you being expedient and what an, an efficient in your order is the least rude thing you could do.

Yeah. Like the last thing he wants to do is listen to you prattle on about and him in a haul about, you know, how, what do you want? What are you going to say? Your pizza is great. I don't make it. I work in a chain. What I like to do is when they ask, how can I help you, I pretend like I've called on star and I've been in an accident. That's good. That's an efficient way of getting pizza. That's not going to be awkward. How is this bad at getting pizza? So bad, but really great at getting out of cars. This is a, this is a total non-sequitur, but I found, I came across this incredible thing on the internet that people have started doing where they write whenever you order pizzas online, there's like a special field where

you can write in like special requests and people have started asking like draw a wizard on the box and like sometimes you'll get somebody awesome who will in fact draw a wizard on the pizza box. So I wholly encourage people to start doing that. Do you think, do you think if you said, can you make me a happy face out of pepperonis? Yes, I think they could do that. Yeah. Oh, you know what else? E-mailer, Caro, I have completely stopped using the phone for my pizza order. I mean, maybe if you're calling like, you know, the local pizza joint, then this would be a different situation. But like Papa John's and Dominius, they will, you just do that online, do that on your computer. Dominius has a tracking system that tells you who made your pizza and

who is putting it in the oven and you deliver it. Yeah, like what stage of its life cycle it's currently at. I wish it went further actually. I wish it was like in your small intestines. Or into the past, like Justin is thinking about ordering pizza. Justin has a deep, deep pizza hunger. That's your intro. Hi, my name is Philip. My pizza hunger is deep. I have a deep, rich pizza hunger. I got a vein of pizza need in me that goes way down. You guys, do you guys sell pizza? Because you're called pizza hut. But I don't, there's still a little confusion there. It's nebulous. It's nebulous on your pizza. So I guess what we've said along is zombie, bro. I think that's still the best. Griffin,

hit me. We need another one. Good, because I got, I got him. I know you got him. How about this? It was sent in by Emily Terrible. Thank you, Emily Terrible. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Drake H, who asks, need some good drug awareness slogans, 10 points. Oh, I should explain. Yahoo Answers has this form of currency that I don't think I've ever discussed, but it's, it's, it's highly upsetting. I think like you can give people points for answering your questions. I don't know what you, do you spend those points on like Cush balls? I don't know. I'll never know. Anyway, just need some good drug awareness slogans. It'll be better if they rhyme 10 points to the best one. That probably means the one with the most or the

one with a really, really good one. Thanks guys. The best answer is by Yahoo Answers user, A7X Rules, who says, for inhalants, you can get a picture of the big bad wolf huffing something and write, he huffed and puffed, and then a picture of a grave and underneath that, right? And he blew himself in. What? Or there's a whole website dedicated to it. Just say, no, I'm too good for drugs. Drug free is the way to be. Don't choose the booze. If you choose the booze, you lose. What's your anti-drug? Stay alive. Don't drink and drive. Shoot up for the stars, not your arms. Smoking the dope won't help you cope up with hope down with dope. If you don't know Jack, you won't smoke crack. This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? Drugs are

retarded, so don't get started. Say not to pot. PCP bad. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Say not to pot. Hey, man, do you want to pot? Not. No, no, no, it's like Wayne's World Throwback. Hey, I'd love some pot. Not. PCP bad for me. I love that one. Because sometimes I have a big PCP rock, a big vial of PCPs. A big sack of PCPs. A big strip of PCPs. I have a container full of PCP. I have a container with PCP and it's appropriate form and the appropriate amount to get me fucked up. And I think, is it, can I, should it, do it? But then PCP bad for me just runs through my mind and I fly away. Kiss meth mouth goodbye. Hugs not drugs. I'm above the influence. Pot makes your brain rot, so let's not get high on life, not on drugs. You don't need heroin to be a hero.

Be aware. Don't share. What? Griffin, you are. Those are your drugs. Griffin, you're probably the best slam poet of our time. Do you think? I feel like listening to you, I feel like I'm on Russell Simmons' Deaf Poetry Jam. It's like a, it's transportive. Say not to pot. You can't just make things up and pretend that not is something you say to people. Yeah. You can't be like, say jeed to weed. Say what? The rest of that should be say not to pot and then get beat up because you're an idiot. If you say any of these things, you will get the shit beaten up. Like, hey, hey, hey buddy. Do you want to eat or snort or somehow imbibe this PCP? Sorry guys. PCP, bad for me. Do you want to help me drink this empty squeeze it bottle of PCP?

That's what they keep them in. They melt the top of the lighter. They drink to squeeze it, then they melt the top of the lighter. That's why it's so popular as a drug is because they fill it with PCP. There's so much impetus to squeeze it. Who wouldn't want to squeeze it? Who are these people that are constantly having to turn down drugs? And why can't they just say no? Is the dealer going to be like, that wasn't creative enough. Take this. Try again. I need to feel it. I need to feel that you really don't want my drugs that I bought. Could you, if only you had rhymed, I wouldn't be shoving this PCP in your mouth and eyes. Or possibly ears or nose. Or ears or nose.

Perhaps butthole. I don't know how it's distributed. I don't know about PCP very angel dust, Griffin, angel dust. Is that what it is? Yeah, you know, angel dust. Probably snort. That actually sounds kind of nice. But it's bad for you. Don't forget. Ah, shit. Yeah. Sometimes I get confused. I label my MP squeeze it bottles. Does this say bad for me on it? Can we come up with anything for this person? Better than say not to pot. How about say yes to the dress? Because if you spend your money on dresses, you won't have any money for drugs. All I can come up with is something like angel dust. It sounds really pleasant, but I'm going to have to pass. No, see, that's nice because I didn't know

that before. I was literally 15 minutes away from going out to the street and finding some dust. I appreciate your offer of marijuana, my friend, but unfortunately I'm going to have to pass because I have things to do today. What about your just punch in the face? I'm broke. I'm broke. How about you holding, keep holding, and then you walk away. That's a pretty good one. I think that that would that would really shut him down. Hey, I'm a secret cop. A secret cop. Yeah, I'm a cop. That'll get you out of any of these. Tell you about Jesus. My dad, not angels. You're confused. My dad's a cop. That's how you turn any drug drug dealer down. My dad's a cop. He's going to bust us. I think that this is an imagined

situation. Like I don't think that there are these people who want to say no to drugs, but don't know how to do it. Like who don't know how to come up with a good cover story for why they don't want to do drugs. Yeah, do you want to know how I say no to drugs when people offer them to me? Oh, no, thanks. That's it. That's all you have to do. Yeah, or maybe I'm cool. I'm cool, but you're the fool. Don't do drugs. I'll just keep drinking this whiskey. Thank you so much. That's what I usually say. I'm getting high on life by which I mean whiskey. My friend wants to ask someone to Sadie's. What is that? Like Sadie Hawkins? Okay, sorry. I didn't have that in my school. I grew up in the in the fifties and that had been antiquated for 30 years. She doesn't know what

she should say. Her plan is to make a banner with a pickup line and the question to ask the guy to Sadie's and hang it from the top of the stairs at lunch. What should she put on there? Sorry. Sorry about this. Any suggestions are welcome. If you come up with something inappropriate, she's willing to tape it up there and run off campus if necessary. Thanks. She got high. How about you're probably going to say no because of this bad. Hey, everything you just said sounds absolutely like the worst thing. Don't do any of that. You know what really makes someone want to go out with you? Public embarrassment. Humiliation. Hi. Hey, look over there. It's banner Bob kid. People only know because so girl, I have a banner up about him. Just print out some four by sixes of his tiny

dick and paste it on every single locker that you can find. This is Bob's dick. It's miniscule. Well, he got to Sadie Hawkins with me. Not now. Probably. Oh, God. See, okay, girl, you are, you are illustrating the classic manner from Mars where we're from via conundrum. A girl would love that. That would be so romantic. She would love that. A guy that does not. He's not. No, don't do that. He's in a very delicate situation. He's in high school. Probably presumably, right? I mean, high school, it seems like a Sadie Hawkins, right? High school. Well, she said run off campus or he said run off campus and like that. If I tried to run off my campus and Huntington High School, I would have been shot as I tried to leave the gate. Got a runner. My question is this.

What possibly put your friend under the impression that she needed to do a big display? Why don't you just walk up to the dude and be like, hey, Sadie Hawkins, you down? Like that's going to cover it. Yeah, that would be plenty. That'll be plenty of interaction for this. She probably doesn't even have to do that much. Okay, but we're violating the premise of this question. She's hanging a banner up. The banner, she bought the banner, okay? She's already prepaid. Pause it on the banner. Okay, she lost her seat. She's already done three exchanges at Walmart this year, so this one's not going back. Gotta do it. What does the banner say? You're the best I'm going to do. Let's go to Sadie Hawkins together.

I still think sorry about all this would be really effective. Please don't read this banner. Let's go to Sadie Hawkins. What if you blame it on somebody he doesn't like say, Carolyn put this banner up, so don't go to Sadie Hawkins there. Go to Sadie Hawkins with me, your friend. What if you made it one of those pictographs? Is that what it's called? One of the things that's like pictures with like a puzzle. A rebus. So you have a rebus, right? But you just take a big picture of Stephen Hawking and you put it up there. So you put it up there and like you write minus T minus Tven. I know I would be much more interested in going to a Stephen Hawkins dance. Yeah, the good thing is lots of seating. Not a lot of talking. Not a

lot of talking. And all of like the hip hop, the shitty hip hop music they play is run through a vocoder. Shorty got low. Low, low. We're allowed to make fun of him because he's so goddamn smart. Yeah, you're never going to listen. My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buttons, hun. Here it is. Want to roll up to the Stephen Hawkins dance with me. Why don't you ask him to the Stephen Hawkins dance? Why don't you get Stephen Hawking to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins dance for you? Wait, where are you going? Come back. Just give me 21 minutes to type this out with my eye. Stop it. Is that what he does? Why don't you turn the banner? I can make fun of him. He's like he's succeeded. Like he's sure he ripped a he ripped a hole in space with his thoughts, but

listen, rip a hole in space. What if he does that to me? He uses his brain to kill me from far away. He almost certainly will. You've got this banner, right? That's what we're saying that she has this banner. Why don't you not write something clever on it and hang it at the top of the stairs at lunch? Why don't you use it as some sort of makeshift net? Catch that boy. Catch that boy and bind him. Catch him, bind him, take him to the dance. I'm going to wrap you up like a mummy and you're going to be mine forever. Come on, mummy. Because what every guy is waiting for is to be wrapped up like a mummy and then tag him and release him back into the water. Where's Rob? He looks like he's in science class right now. He's going to bring him down. He's going to pull him in and trim his

nails and clean his teeth and see how he's doing. Well, I'm going to get a domesticated. He'll eat me out of your hand. Just hold a super donut out of your hand. He'll peck at it. Now he's sleeping. Who's sleepy? Now he's sleeping. How about a yahoo? Yeah, perfect. Okay. This one's sent in by Jacob Blocker. Thank you, Jacob Blocker. It's about a yahoo answer user. Holmes, who asks, answering the phone while having sex, super hot or really rude? That sounds like the headline of some sort of dateline report. I'm sure at one point or another while you were all doing the deed, the phone rang. And that's where this question starts. Where does it end? No one knows. Is it super hot to answer the phone and pretend like nothing

is going on while continuing to have sex or is it unbelievably rude to even glance at the phone to see who it is? What more answer it? I think we are all in agreement that texting during a dinner date is terrible manners, but why is it more acceptable during sex considering sex is much more intimate than sharing a meal or conversation? Your thoughts? You're a fucking psychopath, Hans. You're a fucking psycho. Why is it that everybody says it's cool to text during sex? What are you talking about? That's not a thing. What reports are you reading? Yeah, according to the Hans daily. If I ever... It's texting my sexting. That's what he thought sexting was. Everybody's talking about sexting right now. I guess it's all right to do, but it seems rude to me.

Also, I just want to point out, I don't care how good a fucking actor you are. I'll know. Ain't no way you're pulling that off. Everybody knows. What's upsetting is that I probably wouldn't know and that's the most upsetting thought in my mind right now. So now whenever I have a conversation with anybody over the phone and I hear like a small lull, like the tiniest lull, I'm just going to assume that they're boning down. So this is... Okay, first off, I'll tell you what is sexy Hans. Calling it doing the deed. That's really... That's so hot. What I love is euphemism for sex that I'm pretty sure my gym teacher used when he was trying to explain it was the gym for the boys and girls. When you say doing the deed, it makes it sound like you're committing

a felony. Like that is either making whoopee. That's either like a small, small boy or a dog or a corpse that you're doing that thing to. Yeah, later he did the deed. I don't know how to put it in that. And he chopped him up and he buried him in a hole. So find him guilty, please. We got tons of evidence because he was talking on his goddamn cell phone. We've been tracing all his texts, his texts that he sent while having sex with people. What a weird job. Chopping him up right now, lol. You know what's worse is that he probably didn't have like an iPhone. He's probably got one of those old like Zach Morris giant cell phones. Time out! Hey sweetheart, sweetheart, can you

unflip this for me? I need to just flip it open. I need to hold the pound key down or I press this letter so I can capitalize it. I mean, Gifford Hans that apparently have this as much like... He can just like focus. He can do more than one thing at once when he's doing the deed. How does that not demand all of your attention? If it's not, then you're not a very considerate lover. Maybe Hans, the problem is you're not a very considerate lover. Also, getting to have sex and getting somebody to call me to want to do something are two such rare events. I can't imagine them aligning. I just know that when I go into a movie I turn off my cell phone so it's not to interrupt the other patrons, but when I'm having sex I turn it

all the way up. Sorry other patron, it's just you and me now. I even tweet. I tweet my phone number like, give me a ring. About to get it on. Nothing hotter than that. When you call them my brother, my brother will be voicemail. I guess it can't. That doesn't work because it happens on the internet. Yeah, it's gross. Also to think about. But just know chances are. Chances are I fuck all the time. Just 26, 7. Oh, because he's in Chicago. He's got that extra hour in that different time zone. How much does age matter in a relationship? I'm 22 and I work for the 35 year old that I'm crushing on hardcore. I think the only reason that we aren't sleeping together right now is

because he thinks I am too young. Thoughts? Well, you are too young. You are too young. That's gross. 22 and 35. I think it's once it's half your age. If half your age is the difference between, I think that's. But that's so he's cool. No, I'm saying he's not cool. I'm saying that's more than half your age. If half of his age is 11, right? His age is 35. So adding 11 to 22 is 33. Right. You're too young. You're too young. He's going to hurt you. He knows so much more shit than you do. I mean, if you're mature enough to enjoy the taste of a vine ripened 30 plus man. I'd say that you are pretty mature. Don't listen to Travis. Us 30 plus guys have to

sleep together. His jaundiced, sun-stained, wrinkly old skin. There's no one. I think once you hit 30 plus, you assume that no one wants to have sex with you. Maybe you need to be more explicit. Just go up to him and say, Hey, oldie, let's do this. Hey, hang a banner. Ready to be a statistical improbability? Have some sex. This is a sexy episode. It is not a lot of sex in this episode. It's just right. A lot of people want to have sex, but not able to work it out or a pizza. They just can't seem to make the initial sagging with sex juice. Hey, yeah, I'd like extra cheese, pepperoni, and sagging with sex juice. Is this weird? Is this a weird conversation we're having? I was looking for a less awkward

way to order pizza and the podcast I listened to said I should order it with sex juice so that we'd have a good laugh about it. Sex juice and angel dust. That is, that is my favorite Carrie Grant movie, though. I still have like a dozen yahoos. Okay, do another one. Okay, do another one. Wait, are we, I mean, did we help 22 and 35 out enough? Just go for it. He wants to, he wants to, he wants you on and around him. Just go for it. The shorter answer is age doesn't matter relationship unless it does matter in a relationship. Like if it doesn't matter to either one of you, it's not a problem. If it matters to him, then it's a problem. He doesn't think you're too young, trust me. I think, I mean, he's just scared. As long as he's not married.

As long as he's not married, you don't want to be a home wrecker. Unless he is. I feel like, maybe I should just read like five or six of the headlines and then you guys can tell me. Choose your adventure style. Which one we should, which one we should dip into. Okay. Do it. Does that sound acceptable? Okay, how about this? I'll just read them and then I'll, I'll go into for the detail when you decide who does Ash really kiss from Pokemon? Is it okay to cry after sex? How do you ask someone to model for you? Could an adult male survive on just breast milk? Can I lick my cat? I enjoy it. Does he? Getting a tattoo soon. I know what I want, but could you guys help me with something? I need help naming my chinchilla breeding business.

All right. Could I legally hunt and kill a Sasquatch? Okay. I vote on the chinchilla business. Okay. Chinchilla business. This is easy. We can knock this one out quick though. Okay. All right. Chinchie's an Ascinchie. What? This one was sent in by Matt Warren. Thank you. Matt Warren's by Yahoo! Answers user Megan who asks, I need help naming my chinchilla breeding business. Hello. I am looking into breeding chinchillas, but I need a name for my company. I want it to be something elegant and pretty. And the last word needs to be chinchillas or exotics. I don't want anything that says Megan's or Ontario's, etc. I also don't want silly names like chinny chinchins. That's the best. It needs to sound sophisticated. For example,

some names I like are Blue Moon Chinchillas, Blue Moon Exotics, Autumn Breeze Chinchillas, Autumn Breeze Exotics, White Rose Chinchillas, White Rose Exotics. If you need any other information, just ask. Also, if you want to add in some possible chinchilla names, I wouldn't mind Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge. Bramble Pelt. Thanks for everything, Megan. Storm Scream. Uh, uh, Night Shadow. Can I suggest Fluffy Rats Exotics? Because that says what they are without coming right out and saying chinchillas. Chinchillas have been on the nose. Can I suggest Chin Deep? Chin Deep? Now, it does have to end with chinchillas or exotics. Those are the rules. Chin Deep Exotics? Oh, that's not good.

That's not a good. That doesn't work for me. A few levels. That sounds like a website that opens up when you're on another website you shouldn't be on accidentally. Ready to go Chin Deep? How did you get Chin Deep? Why isn't the one starting to dump the exotics? When it got waist deep, you weren't like out. It didn't happen all at once. I am Chin Deep and Exotics right now. That pit of exotics doesn't look so deep. I'm going to jump in and just see how it goes. I'm Chin Deep. What about speed rats? Speed rats. Because that's what chinchillas are. They're like rats, but they dart back and forth very quickly.

Erotic exotics. Okay, now we're on to something. Yeah, that's good. It's got like a little flow to it. What about Mussolini's Chin Chillas? I mean, you want something classy? Something classy. How about Sacco Chin Chillas? Sacco Chin Chillas. And then your best thing is like you already have a gimmick. So like people come in, you're like, how about a Sacco Chin Chillas? And like they can pay extra for the grab bag and who knows what's in the grab bag. Smiles are dead Chin Chillas. There's a good one. People come in like, hey, what the fuck, man? And you're like, no, no, no, they're very,

they're very much alive. So would you like one? It's pronounced the odd. How about tiny shitty cats? My jealous, exotics. Exotics. Anytime you have like any pets or other than a cat, just fuck you. Like that's not a thing. Yeah, I get out of here with that. Unless it's a fare, which is like a long cat. I still don't like those. A friend of mine once told me that I shouldn't be afraid of his Chin Chilla, because it has little raspberry eyes and it wouldn't hurt a flea. What does that mean? That's a weird name for a business.

It has like segmented eyes. Yeah. No, it looks like a red. I think it may be just the color of raspberry. I hope they don't segmented eyes. That would be pretty much the worst. They can see you from all angles. There's got to be something. How to curiosity. Are there any answers on that question? Yeah, there's got to be some, right? I mean, they're all, but they're all very,

how about clueless money grubbers are us? That's a little mean. Excuse me? Breeding any animals, not a business or a company. They're not having a profit. I'm voting thanks. Oh God. Oh God. Ragged telecaster says, I don't know about names, but I'll breed with your Chin Chillas if you like.

Oh no. Dude, what? What did you say to me? You'll breed. Here, do it on site and call it the worst thing you've ever seen Chin Chillas. The island of Dr. Moreau. Yeah.

A nightmare circus side show. Everything you've ever feared in your life, Chin Chillas. How about just Chin Chilla? Maybe want to die. How about loose and easy Chin Chillas? Slutty as Chin Chillas? Madam Chin Chillas. Chin Chillas.

Your first time, I got to want Rosie. She breaks in the new base. Yahoo Answers user Emerald A responded, I like autumn breeze exotics, but I am thinking Chinny Chinny Chill Lala. Chin Chilla Cool Cats. Or Chin Chilla CCs for short. Chin Chilla CCs, what?

It is good to start out the name of C because one of the first listed in directories. And how about Chinny Chilled Out Cats? Lol, what the fuck are you saying? Chinny Chilled Out Cats? How about a fun dip baseball disco dance? How about we just make a bunch of words that have nothing to do with the thing that she asked about?

So he says you should pick something with C because it's one of the first letters. Like, you know the first one, right dog? Yeah, there are like maybe a few pages in the directory that precede Chinny Chilled Out Cats. You dumb fuck. To be fair, everyone knows everyone just skips right over A and B because those are for pussies.

You got to go right into the C. That's where the meat of the matter is. Absolutely amazing, Chinny Chin Chin Chilled Out Cats. Ardvarks, Chinchillas. This is what you call your business. Ardvarks and Chinchillas and not Ardvarks. Ardvarks, Chinchillas, and just kidding about the Ardvarks exhaust.

Just do a revus with a picture of an Ardvark plus Chinchillo minus Ardvarks. Because everybody knows it in the film book. Revuses come first. Go on in and watch a grown man fucking Chinchillas. I was so bad we're back to bond. The revus for that is going to be a nightmare. Here at Ardvarks and Chinchillas and not Ardvarks.

I came here to fuck Ardvarks and Chinchillas and we're fresh out of Ardvarks. So this is misleading advertising. I'm also a lawyer here to pay you. But first I am going to... I've heard good things about Rosie. Can you drag me her? Goddamn slut rats.

You're fooling nobody. I can't get past it. Nothing's funnier than a man having sex with Chinchillas. How am I going to top that with like... More like logistically like perplexing. Yeah. All I can picture is that if that was as the business, watch a dude fucking Chinchillas.

It's just him waving and smiling at a crowd. And it's really messing with me. Dear Bob, do you and your Chinchillas-sized wiener want to go to Mr. Sadie Hawkins with me? Get back with me. Here's a photo of reference for people who are not familiar with Bob. You said Chinchillas-sized and I heard Chinchillas-shaped.

We have to move on. We can't legally. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck here. Do me terrible images. Is it weird or gross when you answer yourself while on the toilet? My brother does that all the time.

When I tell him it's gross, he begs to differ. Yes. The end of the show. That was easy. Yeah, it is. Don't ever do that again. I mean, what's the fucking... What could possibly be ambiguous about this?

There's nothing to debate on this question. It's gross. Unless. Unless. No. No, unless you push it and answer your phone in a huge airport bathroom while everyone else is going. That's pretty good.

Hey, Christy, it's Reggie. What's up? What are you doing? I'm just crying. Whoa. How did I get here? Whoa. Thank you for calling me and helping me step out of it.

Damn you, Mr. Mysterio. Again, I want to hear Griffin's last question. But first, housekeeping. If you want to listen to other shows, if you want to talk to like-minded individuals, anything you can dream of, mbam.com is our web address. Make sure you head over to the MaximumFun.org forums. That's where everybody is talking.

We've seen... There have been a lot of Mbam-Bam listeners who have made the pilgrimage over there. And I just want to tell each and every one of you how just I'm legitimately super proud of every one of you. It's a big step. Yeah, scary. But just don't be afraid because you could do it.

I noticed a little bit of hesitation in the first couple weeks. But I think that our communities are gelling. Yeah, they are gelling. And also, there's a post on the forum every week where people discuss the new show. Go there and talk about it so we can beat those jerks that stop podcasting yourself.

I want our forum to have more responses than theirs. Why are you so angry at them? I'm going to start... I need to start an imaginary... You know how they say you get a prison until somebody's the first day? It's the same principle. No, I love those guys.

They just had their 150th show. Good for them. Oh, congrats. Congrats, guys. Mazel tov. That's a funny-ass show. I feel like we should do a better job of... Go listen to all the different MaximumFun podcasts.

They're also so incredible. Yeah, they're all great. We get questions all the time where people are like, well, I'm finally caught up on your show. What do I do now to wait till next Monday? Go to MaximumFun.org and listen to all of those shows. There's like hundreds of Jordan Jesse goes. They jump on those.

Stop podcasting yourself. Judge John Hansman, Jasper Hauser. Jordan Jesse go a bit where they're coming up with new sci-fi channel movies that combine people with animals. One of them was Jose... Jose Consnake. Classic.

So go listen to those shows. You'll really enjoy them. If you would like to sponsor our show, we would love to have you on as a sponsor. We'll say whatever the hell you want us to. We're dirty like that. We're like chinchillas. We're the chinchillas of podcasting.

We're the chinchillas of podcasting. That was our original title. The email Teresa, that's with an H, correct? That is correct. At MaximumFun.org and tell her, hey, I want to get on board with those guys. It's affordable. It is.

It's like a Hondo. So get on board. A Hondo for a personal message, 150 for a commercial message. I'd like to say a couple of special things. One out to KSDB, the Wildcat, 91.9, your antidote to commercial radio with Hot Donna. That's good.

What are you doing? Yeah, you like that? No, I like that. It's a Kansas State College radio station and Hot Donna gave us a great shout out and recommended us to all the listeners. So can I, wait, I want to try one. I want to give her a liner.

I want to give her a liner. Hey, you're listening to KSDB, the Wildcat, 91.9, your antidote to commercial radio with Hot Donna. Worth its weight in gold. You're welcome. You're welcome, Hot Donna. Hey, this is my brother, my brother, me and Oasis, and you're listening to KSDB, Wildcat.

They're being quiet. 91.9. We're here with Mark McGrath. Listen to the KSDB, the Wildcat, 91.9. Can we go a week without Mark McGrath? How do we get him to leave? It's dated and like completely, like why the fuck do we keep talking about this to you?

I love him. I can't get enough. Hey, lock in to KSDB, the Wildcat, 91.9, and enjoy fucking that chinchilla. Break off the knob. So a special thanks to Michael, Eric, and Stephen for helping me out with a project for work. They're very nice guys.

On Twitter, thank you to At Matt Murray for recommending us to your friend and At Matt Ulfer. Sorry about fart touch. I just kind of want to apologize to everyone. It's like a blanket apology for fart touching. I feel like fucking Pandora, and I open a box and let fart touch out,

and I ruin lives. Yeah, you can't put that back. I'm so very sorry. Master Stealth on YouTube. He created a video to help introduce new listeners. So, you know, check it out. It's all about the Peepham's nasty gum bit. So thank you much.

If you search in BMWM on YouTube, you find a lot of clips. That's a good way to introduce people to the show. Say, hey, let's do this show. Here's a bit. Here's a bit they do. Here's a classic bit. One of the recurring bits.

We don't actually have those, but it would be nice if we did. You know what we need to bring back? You know what's coming back in fashion for the for the new spring season? Listening parties. Ooh, listening parties. We this for for our new listeners. We used to do this thing.

We still do it. We just not a lot of people have requested them where if you get together with a group of friends, what was our ruling? Was it four? We said it's two for God, four for us. Because it's three. Okay.

So, you know, four or more gathered in our name. Preferably some people who've never maybe maybe a couple of people who'd never heard the show before. But you, yeah, you guys, you get together with them. And you, you schedule a listening party and you send us an email with explicitly stating this is the listening party. And we will record you a brief private message,

which will tell us as much about the party as you can. So you can try to make it, you know, it's personal. Yeah. Especially if it's important that afterward, we need pics or it didn't happen. Picture didn't happen. Photographic evidence. If you need a template, just check out the Mondlocks

because dude's still repping the set after what? Like five months? Nothing but nonstop parties. Yeah, he's up to like party 17 or something. Yeah, it's completely, it's sickening. But like in a good way, sickening in a good way. No, I'm sick. Thank you.

I'm sick. And I think that's it, right? That's all of our garbage we have to do. All of our housekeeping. Did you give out our email address? mbmbam at gmail.com. Did you give out our phone number? There it is.

321-333 mbmbam. So, wow. I don't know. I don't think you got a single one of those. I don't actually know the number. It's 203-mbmbam-1. Okay, that's easy enough. That's easier than I made it out to be.

I think. Yeah, just call and leave us a message because we like hearing your voices. Yeah, we love you very much. So Griffin, can we move to the last question? Want to grow on, want to think about? Yeah, yeah. This one was sent in by Donald Hawkins.

Thank you, Donald. It's by Yahoo! Tommy Smith, who asks, can you help me stop thinking about Sonic the Hedgehog? Please try with the microwave. It's good for the microwave. Please give it to my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad.

Just go wear on the lips. These girls are smart. Play your part.