My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 42: Cracklin' Mendes

Episode Date: February 14, 2011

Hey, the internet: Will you be our Valentine? We'd be really, really great at it. We promise to shower you with gifts, by which we mean "give you this one podcast, right now, for free." Trust us, that's way better than a selection from Kay -- precious jewelry tarnishes over time. Our wisdom does not. Suggested talking points: A visit from Vanessa Hudgens, Love DVDs, Businesstown, Hancock Goofs, Broodwife, William H. Macy in Cougarman and Gooseman, 214 It, Three Engagement Rings, Campfires and Baby Skin

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Love is in the air, and love smells like the wind screen on a microphone, though that may just be the wind screen on my microphone. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy, the co-brother, co-host, and co-provocateur of My Brother, My Brother Me, an advice show for the moderate era.

I'm Travis McElroy, and I am a co-host and co-privateer as well. Oh, Griffin. Griffin, what's wrong? I mean, nothing, I guess. No, no, come on, don't keep it inside. A feeling locked inside is poison for your mind. That's what I always say. Hey, I just, I did want to note before you talk about your crushing loneliness, we've, we had to record this intro twice, and I did the same wind screen bit before, and I thought it was so good that I decided to stick with it.

It wasn't like a thing of the moment that I came up with. That's like the second time I decided that that would be good enough. You actually even giggled at it this time. This time, it really got to me. It really got jumped up in there. Griffin, Valentine's Day was created by a greeting card. Think about it. I am thinking about it. Here's, here's my, like my stance on it is like Jewish people could start, they don't get sat around Christmas, right?

Right. They, well, A, because they're so occupied with candle nights, but B, like, you know, ain't got no dog in that race. Yeah, no dog. Yeah, no, no, no dog in that particular race. I get it. You know what, Griffin, you're, you're lonely all the time. You shouldn't let the corporations make you feel lonelier today. You know what? Here's my motto. I'm bringing lonely back.

Yep. Some of the best poetry, some of the best songs have been written in a state of loneliness. Some of our best podcasts have been recorded, where Griffin was single. It's true. Namely, a hundred percent. And possibly throughout the fullness of time. Oh, no, no, no, you'll find, you'll find that special to somebody. Maybe we'll find somebody in here, in, in this, in this mix. Between the three of us?

Fuck, I hope not. No, I don't think so. And now our special guest, Vanessa Hudgens. Here we go. Valentine's Day is coming up, and I'm wondering if you guys have any ideas of what I can get my lady, Lily, as a gift. I have a limited budget since we are both in college and this dirt poor, but I want to make it kind of special to thoughts. David from Gmail. You know, there's so many things that you can do that costs little to no money,

but show a great deal of thought. But what really matters is money. Is how much money you spend on it? No, if Lily's cool with, you know, a coupon for one free back rub, then. Or a group on for one free back. 200 people bought in and now we get free back rubs. Really tired hands. So you think back rubs are the way to go?

I mean, it's an oldie, but a goodie. Yeah, I mean, that's a classic Griffin. What do you what do you think she she found as a gift? Uh, like a shitty necklace. Hey, I got creative this year. And I didn't know I like I got you bad things. It's not only that. I just want everybody to know that I don't know.

I don't usually give great advice, but on this particular episode, it's not I'm not on my fucking a game. I get a DVD, I guess. Love in it. Like love, actually. For love of money. That's a good flick. Can't can't watch it too much nowadays, but without getting hurt.

But like, it's a good movie. Just a DVD or a Blu-ray if you really love her. But I know that you're straight out of low cash. So you got to make do. Hey, David, I know it might seem like a great idea to loudly announce that for Valentine's Day, you're giving her a world class fucking. It's not it's not going to have top of the line. It's not going to read the way.

I'm giving you my best moves tonight. Tonight, I'll be supplying you with some of my great a moves. Maybe just put like a bow on your wiener. And yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Accepted that it like he gives it once for 15 minutes. And then he gets a little bit and a power bar.

Then your feet are touching me. They're so cold. I moved to a new city recently and I opened a business. I'm a pretty social guy and I don't have trouble meeting people on a personal level. But I need to promote my business to build my clientele. What's the best way to go about promoting my business to people that I meet in a social setting without sounding too pushy and annoying? Brady Brady, there's only one real way to grow your business.

And that's, of course, to become a sponsor of my brother and my brother and me. I mean, it is a great way. You get a lot for your money. You know, you get the fame. We have literally tens of listeners. Yeah, you get the gravitas. You can't put a price on gravitas. You know what, you could get a special promotion and meet one person.

Meet one person that you want to impress at a social setting, right? Tell them to listen to this new podcast and then you pay us to tell them about your business. This seems a little backwards. No, it's good. Because you'll say, hey, I know a show you can listen to specifically in this episode. And then when they listen, we'll tell them about your business. Hey, have you heard of Brady's photocopies? Our friend, Brady, does the best photocopies.

Uh, the print quality is just superb. No line breakage or splotch zones. Those margins to dive. So tight. Is that ivory blend on that paper? Yeah, it is. That's all Brady uses at Brady's photocopies. Not a lot of pulp in here.

This is a smooth. A pulp-free zone. I, Brady, I think that you're having, like this is sort of the classic question of sales, right? It's something that I'm not particularly good at. I don't know that any of us are great at sales. I am. Okay. I mean, I'm just saying that I am good at sales.

Help them then for Christ's sake. Don't hold your light under a fucking bushel. I was just going to say that I was just going to say that you, if you really do think that you're, what you have is a good service. Like if you think you're the, you've got the best service, then you shouldn't feel any hit. Remember that you're not asking them for something. It's, it's a win-win.

Or at least it should be. You know, they, they, you have to put it in your head that they will want to hear about it because it, that's how you think of your product. And, and my advice would be this. You want to be indirectly direct where you don't want to bring up your business. You don't want to say, Hey, my name is Brady. Let me tell you about my new business because they're immediately going to shut off. You want to have a conversation that like leads to talking about your business.

Yeah. You know, ask them what they do. So then they'll ask you what you do. Yeah. That's a pretty good idea. Get interested in them first. Remember, that's our old classic. That works if you want to have sex with someone or want to be their sole photocopy supplier. Also, those two, those two things are basically the same. Those two things are basically the same because you, there's a bed involved.

Right. Either way. Griffin hit me with a Yahoo answer. I will absolutely do that. Uh, I got, I got a nice eclectic. I got at some mixed nuts, which is by the way, what I'm going to start calling the Yahoo answer segment. Can we, can we start playing like a sound effect after you say it? Like boing or something like that?

Absolutely. This week we got some Valentine's Day questions and some not Valentine's Day questions. But let's start out with the former. It was by, it was sent in by Valentine's Day. Wow. It's become physically like it's become corporeal. I've been incepted. This one was sent in by Cal.

Thank you Cal. It's by Yahoo Answers user man man. Who asks, what type of collage should I do for my boo on Valentine's Day? I want to do a collage for my boyfriend of eight months. I would love to put some pictures of us and movie tickets in the movies we seen together, but sadly we don't have that right now. Just our memories. I threw away the tickets and now which I should have not done that.

Do you guys have any other suggestions I can make for him? What other collage can I make for him? A garbage collage. This should stand in place for the garbage I threw out earlier. This is different garbage, but it's symbolic. Hey, uh, you should maybe not. Kyle, I made you a collage. Sadly, I burn everything that has to do with you the moment.

I've saved no pictures or anything. If you were to die today, there would be no proof of your existence. He has all the pictures and movie tickets for my last boyfriend. I saved those. I don't know. It's weird. Don't read it to that too much. I've scribbled out the Poseidon adventure and I've written Hancock,

which if you don't remember was our first date. It was not. You say it was not our first. You're right. That was him too. That was also wrong. My bad. I was also wrong.

I'm just that guy. What I've made you is words cut out of magazines like a serial killer. This is my collage. We went to movie summer. I love you so much, Derek. You're my one. You're my one. You're my only.

I know your name's not Derek, but that's the only name I can find pretty to see only. And this one says sassy. I just like the font on that. What do you want us to tell you? You don't have anything to make a collage out of. I threw my shit away and I'm like I want to make a time capsule, but I don't have any shit to put in it because I don't. I'm irresponsible.

I love the framework of this question of I want to make a really romantic, personally touching thing. Please tell me what I should put on it. Let me tell you what I know about your relationship. How about you make a collage out of ugly collages? Hey, you didn't say like the memory collage, the like the victory, the elbow grease, the memory collage is not gluing it to cork board. Like that's not the part where it's it's impressive.

It's impressive because you saved the shit. Did you just start liking him? Did you not like him for months? And you're like, I'm kind of getting in this guy. It just occurred to me seven months in that we're dating. This is serious. Why don't you draw some pictures of your memories and then use those pictures?

Use those illustrations as as fodder for look for your collage. Like draw a picture of you two sitting at Hancock and maybe like grazing hands. Cox. You mother fucker. What? What? He's making a he's making Hancock goose. It's good.

It's a classic. It's a classic Hancock shirt. And Griffin, you actually have just described my favorite independent web comic. So it's exactly like that. So so maybe just take him to dinner or something. Or maybe try again next year. Like maybe don't throw everything away that you get. Maybe collage is a good idea this year.

How about a coupon for one free collage? Redeemable in exactly 365 days. My wife and I have a one year old. Sorry. I don't know why that. I don't know why that got so sad. He's super lame. The novel is really gone.

My wife and I have a one year old. When we found out that she was pregnant again. What? What are you saying? Slow your roll. Your wife. Okay. When we found out my wife was pregnant again.

Oh, okay. We were really happy. But knew that things are going to get tight money wise. We just found out the baby is actually twins. Oh, shit. Worst. So now we're still excited. But also freaking out a bit.

Yeah. Our wedding anniversary is coming up and all the money is tight. Do you have any suggestions to make my soon to be worn out wife feel special? Thanks. Frugal and Philly. What can you do? Like, can this woman is about to pass to human beings? You know, you want to make her feel special, right?

You're about to have three kids and not enough money for them. You want to make her feel special. Right now, those kids have two parents. That's like, eh, but if they have one parent, can you imagine? Imagine that. That's special. There's only one of you. There's only you only have a mommy.

So that's pretty special because your daddy moved to Vegas. Three parents. Sister lives. I know we're on a sister wife streak, but like you got one parent per kid. Apparently you're having babies every year. So maybe with two wives, you could alternate it and they could at least have a year off. Yeah. I know you don't want about your wife being worn out and at this rate, she will be.

So I would say get a second wife to maybe carry one of the twins. Is that is that possible? A brood wife. Yes. Get yourself a brood wife. And then like one can be your society wife. And then one can be your, you know, your gestating hive queen. Hi.

This is, this is, uh, this is my second wife, Crystal. Chris, Chrysalis. Crystal. Her name is Crystal. It's not Chrysalis. I don't know why I thought that. And her name is also not DX173 bond. So don't believe people saying that either.

And I certainly have. I have never considered harvesting her jellies. For Valentine's Day, I got you a second wife in a tank of plasma. And we're just going to use her to harvest organs and babies from. You're welcome. You're welcome. What did you get me? Oh, a stone tipple pilot CD.

We're really even now. Oh, shit. Um, so what to get your wife? Nice collage with some of the things you've done together. What about, uh, uh, make a nice dinner? You know, it seems so cliche, but if you really can cook well and you can knock one out of the park. That's so nice.

And she's eating for three. Yeah. Or four. Check it. Check it. Double check it. You got trips. She got trip.

Turn it here first. We got the scoop on your baby's itch. You really, I think that a one, you know, one night thing where, you know, you do the dinner and the movie and do the real date thing can be really nice. But I think that you can make a longer lasting difference here and just really. And I'm, I'm, I'm making judgments about you, but I mean, it's, it's, it's just sort of general advice. What we do. Yeah, exactly.

Cause I don't know, you may already be doing this, but you know, in every way you can, especially over the next couple of years, do what you can for her. You know, when you, when you, there are times when, you know, you might want to watch the big game or something. Uh, and, you know, take that time and maybe do something that make her life a little easier. Because, you know, that sort of lubrication on the gears of life could be a, a gift that, that people appreciate all year round. Not tired of box up.

Sure. Yeah. Aren't all the best gifts. It's beautiful. Thank you. Good job. I worked really hard on it. And again, the collage thing, I can't endorse that enough.

Last week, I met a boy when I visited my friend at a different collage. He got my number and we've been texting ever since. He seems great, except there is one problem. Whenever he texts me, he refers to me as a boo. I don't know where he got the idea for this pet name, but I really dislike it and all pet names in general. How do I get him to stop calling me boo besides just saying stop calling me boo? Uh, love the show and sorry if this makes Griffin feel lonely.

Not your boo bear. Let me posit this. Is it possible that whenever he looks at you, you freeze in place and disappear? Oh, I got you. Oh good. Finally. These are the jokes. You know, people always, always emails with these questions.

A lot of times I think the question should just be this, there's a simple solution to my problem, but I'm not going to do it. Make up a harder one for me. Like, why do you want us to complicate your life? Let me check this. Check this heat. Hey, I'm not, I'm not crazy about that nickname. Hey, I'm mad creeped.

Can you please stop? We've only known each other for a week. So let me go ahead and throw this out. I don't like pet names. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like you're in that phase where it's okay to express your discomfort or displeasure with something, like better now than in like, you know, seven years you're watching prices right.

And he's like, hey boo, could you hand me the Cheetos? You just get a kitchen knife and put it in your chest. Like that wouldn't be preferable. That's where this terminates. It is. You got to play it 10 steps ahead. Seven years. Murder.

Just maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Is her name something like Borp or Bryn or Berg? Brutus? No, it's too long. What I'm thinking is maybe his phone is auto-correcting. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not his fault. Her name is Borg and it's fiction. Which is awesome. Hey, are you going to come over here and assimilate me or what? Resistance is futile. But so fun. I have to go kill myself.

Yeah, we've jammed past a lot of nerd juice in this question. It's got pretty bad. Why don't you just say that? Like, just say it. Like, we have a lot of people who will need our help. You have a solution already. It's in your question. Just do that.

Tell them, stop it. I'm angry at you. Stop it. Happy Valentine's Day. I've been lying to you for a week. How about a Yahoo answer? Brett, yeah, break me off, please. This one was sent in by Adam Holley.

Thanks, Adam. It's by Yahoo Answers User PoeticBBQ. All right. Who asks, Valentine's Day gift for my cougar? I'm seeing an older woman, me 30, her 43, and want to send her an awesome gift for Valentine's Day because I'm gone working on the road. We've been seeing each other for a couple months

and the coitus is pretty amazing. Oh, good. Oh, good. And want to get her something that is classy, but not overbearing. Any ideas? Hey, Greg's mom, that coitus was really outstanding.

I don't want to put this in the creepiest way imaginable, but that coitus felt really good on my genitals. What are you saying? That's so gross. I know the perfect gift. Stop calling it coitus. That's something that she'll appreciate forever and ever. Are you both scientists?

Maybe learn about how pronouns work. Me 30, she 43. Yeah, Doug, you know the word coitus, but you don't know how to refer to yourself in the first person. Maybe if you're in a real plot, like I had something nice under a tree or something. She's wrapping it up.

I gotta tell you, that's classy. That's considerate. It's a little overbearing. It's not what it looks like. It looks like I wrapped up COVID. It is what it looks like. You nailed it. I'm sorry, Greg's mom.

I didn't mean to. And please lower my name. What you should get, Greg's mom, is a DVD, but of beaches. Old Brats love that movie. Old Brats love beaches. I do not know what it is. I do know what it is. It's that one where Pat Medler and Barry Manilow

go to Malibu and Barry Manilow dies and she has to pretend he's alive the whole weekend. That's exactly it. That's right. And Cher plays some sort of voodoo priestess. Who's also a mermaid. Who is also a mermaid. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of movies.

But this one sounds really good. The beaches, like now that I'm describing it, I don't know why I haven't seen it. Because all these components are things I typically enjoy in film. Cheetah print tights. Cheetah print tights. Curling irons.

Do you read Lipstick? Hey, Greg's mom, I got you some bingo chips. Don't use them all in one place. Well, I mean, it's a bingo parlor, but you know what I mean. Not all one Friday night. Can we? Is it possible that he's referring to an older female

literal cougar? It could be. There's some raw meat. Yeah, here's raw meat. I mean, why do you get a jungle cat? Maybe you should just make a commitment to take care of the horrible bispecies baby you created with all your coitus.

During your coitus. Listen, Deborah cat, when you have our terrible, terrible cougar man, I will take care of him. I will raise him as my own. I will not elicit him in public schools because he will consume the other children. This is like the fifth episode in a row where we had to talk about half human,

half animal hybrids. This is a very, very bestial podcast and I'm not comfortable with it. Yeah, Goose Man. That's what happened 20 episodes ago. Oh, man. What if Goose Man and Cougar Man got together? I'd watch that show.

William H. Macy. As everyone in the show. Everyone in Cougar Man and Goose Man. I would watch it. Oh, John Lithgow. What a great, what a great coup for Penguin Man. Soon I will be moving out out of the home, which is awesome.

But as a single lovely lady, I can't help but feel a little paranoid. In BNBAM, what are some good ways to keep safe from crepes? Love Bowser bait. XO, XO, XO. Whatever you do, don't get on Yahoo Answers. They'll find you.

They'll track your IP. Okay, first basics. Pepper spray and mace. A little like a mace. There's a rest of the story. She's from Australia, where it is illegal to have those things. What?

Yeah. Shit. Just a super bright flashlight? Like, I don't know. But you can't have a giant knife. Yeah, totally. Get a really, really heavy boomerang. You can reenact that classic scene.

If they say it pulls an iPhone U, and then you pull a Dundee and just pull out a knife. Say, that's this knife. All right. What a beautiful knife. More of that, please. More of my Polly Hooker Barbie.

Break me some shrimp. That's pretty good. You know, avoid late nights. No, fuck that. No, we're not going to tell her not to live her life. Take it. Okay, she can't.

Okay. I mean, if she's nervous, I'm just saying, you know, try to be smart. Get ripped. Get ripped. If you get stuck talking to a creepy guy in a bar, be straight up up front

and say, you know, hey, I don't see this going anywhere, but thanks for talking. This was great. It's it seems harsh, but creepy guys. If anyone did that to me, the slightest sign. If anyone ever did that to me,

I would follow them home. If you would reverse effect, and I'm like a super nice guy, but I will follow you home if you shut me down like that. And I will pull out my very small life and hope that you do not in turn have a larger one.

Hey, Bowser bait, maybe maybe get ripped. That's like stage one. Stage two. You should do that anyway. Just like get. Yeah, just for fit. Tommy's so right.

Get a get and then inject yourself with so many male hormones that you look like a dude. Like the silhouette you cut in a darkened alley is that of a large like burly man. Who's going to mess with you then? Get Paul Hogan to actually follow you around

and say he's your boyfriend. That's my boyfriend Paul Hogan. Is he still kicking? Oh, are you kidding me? He actually does. He just is a kicking class every week in Australia. Okay, good.

Is he he's Australia. He's not one of those like secret New Zealanders. No, is he? He's a national treasure. Yeah, I heard he punched the cyclone in the face and went away. Yeah, he's from the snakes out. Punch it right.

Punch it to hell. Get back to hell, cyclone. In honor of Valentine's Day, I have a special treat for you guys. Uh oh. I did a little research and I was looking for Valentine's Day advice and I went to my favorite magazine,

Seventeen Magazine. Oh, this is great. And I found a top 17 Valentine's Day flirt text. Flirt text. Text. Texts. Texts.

To send. Okay, make a text message on the phone. First category is for your crush. I have a lot of us. I have a lot of us. I'm just gonna go ahead and put this out because the number one is my favorite one. All right.

Number one. Hi, I'd like to forget our awkward first meeting by sending this awkward Valentine's Day text. Here goes nothing. Happy Valentine's Day. For real, Seventeen Magazine. That's the best she got. That's what she cooked up.

Number two. If I don't meet your standards for a Valentine's Day, then please lower your standards. What kind of magazine is this? Who is writing this? Number three. In lieu of candy hearts and chocolate, please accept this Valentine's flirt text

as a sign of my undying like for you. Did you undie? I'm sending you a flirt text. This sounds like it was written by the fucking Jeopardy! robot. Like, I don't understand the nuances of speech or love. This is awkward and you're cute. Number four.

Because it's Valentine's Day, I wanted you to know if you called me, I wouldn't hit ignore. Number five. See, that's good. I didn't have enough time to send you those candy hearts you probably love. So here goes nothing.

Will you be my Valentine? Text yes or no? No. What? This person just got a phone. Like, it's their first date with a phone and they're coming up with a guide. Yeah, thanks, Graham.

Thanks, Grammy. Thanks, Graham. Number six. It's 214, a.k.a. Valentine's Day. You're single. I'm single. Do you see where I'm going with this? It's math, baby.

214. Hump into the side of a mountain. Please, you're killing me. Number seven. Happy Valentine's Day. You're so out of everyone's league, I figure you must be home alone. Wanna hang?

Okay, hold on. Stop for a second. You have to stop. I can't deal with this 17 article anymore. You just said, you're so hunky that it is crippling you socially. But I'm going to rise above your overwhelming physical attractiveness

and dame to send you a text on Valentine's Day. Is that what you're telling me? You trying to slam it? Is that the information 17 is giving our young people? Number eight. I really like because it doesn't understand how text messages work and it's written as a dialogue.

So it says this. Number eight. Girl, what's worse than a bunch of starry-eyed people who have a crush on each other running the streets? You. What? Girl, nothing. Will you be my Valentine?

Okay, we're going to do this, but I need. Is the audience participation part? Here's what I need you to say. Just like what? Just say what when I text you. What? Not yet.

Hold up. Number nine. Because it's Valentine's Day, I wanted to let you know your zipper is undone. Oh, and I think you're pretty cool. Shut up. Your lanky smiley face. Shut up.

Outside your window. I'm looking at your cock. I can kind of see your dick. And by the way, it's a pretty cool one. Sweet dick, bro. 14. 214, please. You know what that means?

I don't anymore. I used to. I've forgotten. Hey, do you 214? I'm trying to 214 over here. Hey, listen. Listen, Denny's Restaurant, please keep it down. Some of us are trying to 214 with their wives over here.

Please. Number 10. Fill in the blank. Valentine's Day is a blank holiday. I wish I could spend it with blank. Not good, not you. Alone. What kind of fucking text is that?

You're playing fucking mad libs with them. Fill this in and send it back to me. Valentine's Day is a toilet holiday, and I wish I could spend it with poop farts. It's so romantic. Number 11. Happy Valentine's Day to one of my favorites. If I made phone calls, you'd probably be on speed dial.

Is this from a robot? Like, I think Griffin is right. I lack human vocal cords, but I can't seem to send digital pulses to the phone wires. Okay, so now we move into the category for your boyfriend. Number 12. V-Day, Try You and Me Day. Shut up.

How about any other day than that, than the day you just said? Number 13. As your Valentine, I wanted to let you know that you don't have to get me anything. However, if you insist, please send all candy hearts, chocolates, roses, and presents to inter-address here.

Hey. Local funeral home. I'm sure they're gonna love it. I'm sure they're gonna love reading that entire text, just as much as you're gonna love sending it, because that's like a novella. Stop it. Number 14.

I want to lull with you all night long. Happy V-Day, Stud. Hey, it's 4 a.m. Have we really been laughing out loud for six hours? My face is pretty so bad. Pretty crazy V-Day. Number 15. Roses are red.

Violets are blue. We should kiss. Let me know if you think so too. Wink, wink. No, what? That's not something you would send to your boyfriend or girlfriend. Spiritually, I can't take two more. I cannot handle two more days.

There, it's just two more. Number 16. Roses are red. Violets are blue. And a night out with my guy is long overdue. Why don't you take me out any more? I'm trying to 214 it over here. This one is my favorite because it is topical and it's fun.

This one is under the category just for fun. Number 17. What are the rest for? Those are serious shit. This is just for fun. Number 17. For your best friend. Roses are red.

Violets are blue. Even Oprah and Gale have nothing on me and you. Happy Valentine's Day, BFF. Happy Valentine's Day. I'd like to be in a lesbian love affair with you. Can we do that? Even though we're 17, I'm going to bring up Oprah and Gale, who's real popular with our demographic.

This 17 writer has their finger on the pulse. Of a dead person. Of a corpse. Oh, man. I wish I had my finger on their pulse and could feel nothing. So I wish that they were dead. Is there anything else I meant to. Travis, I really am angry at you.

What is wrong with America? We can't generalize it like that. This is this is one person. What is wrong with this? Who is it? Is there a name? Is there an author name? It's it's by Cosmo girl.

Is it Christ? Uh huh. Is it my cause? That's a Jerry. He works in the mail room. Like what's hot? What's hot right now? 214 are still texting.

Oprah and Gale. Oprah and Gale. Check, check, check. I'm looking forward to 2018 when they have like the top tweets. Yeah. Send your loved one. You know about this new thing? Twitter.

It takes longer to make magazines than I thought I guess. I'm a long time stop podcasting yourself listener. And when they mentioned your show and checked it out, I've been hooked ever since. Well, thanks. With that said, I am in need of some advice. Would it be rude to suggest my husband to we sell my engagement ring? Yep.

Whoa. I'm into this question now. Elaboration. Yeah, please. My husband and I have been married for almost two years now. And I never wear my engagement ring. I chose a simple gold band for a wedding ring, which I prefer and wear all the time.

My engagement ring is worth over $2,000. It is just sitting in a drawer in my house. And when I'm in there until this loss stolen or given away, the practical side of me wants to sell my ring. But is this a subject best left alone? Dana. Dana, there's no good way to breach this. Dana, this is like, yeah, this is a no win situation.

Let me put it to you in like a practical way. A practical person will understand. Unless you like need the money. If you don't need the money, then you never know. You might have a kid. You might have a daughter or a son someday. The engagement ring I gave my wife was passed down to me from my grandmother.

You never know. You might want to reuse it in that sense. Or make some really bitching ear jewelry. Like you just, you never know. But that's a no. That's a loser. That's got loser printed all over that convo. You have to have your hubs.

Here's my suggestion. Start referring to things in terms of the cost of the wedding rings or engagement rings. So if your husband's looking at a new TV, say, yeah, that'd be about one and a half engagement rings. That's much better advice, actually. I say take chapter advice. That's a really nice speed.

But what do you say, Frank? That's like three engagement rings, four engagement rings. It's not bad. That's what we'll name it when we buy it. By selling this engagement ring. Oh man, that screen is big. You know, I know you like the 30-incher, but for about half an engagement ring, we can go up to 50.

That ring upgrade. I mean, do you need the cash? Like if you don't need it, why not have it? It's like think of it as another way. It's like a nest egg. It's like a rainy day fund. It's going to depreciate, though, in value when people stop giving out engagement rings.

Right, because what's that going to happen? I mean, people are just going to rise above it. People are going to realize they don't need physical representations of their sweet love. They just have to say it in the words. They can just like say it and the words are all that matters in the future. That sounds good. Yeah, I read about it. Yeah, tell your husband that.

Listen, in the future, I wrote it down somewhere, but I'm basically, I sold my engagement ring. The thesis of this story is that I no longer have that ring you bought me with your three-month salary. Do you want to go deeper? Because that's, I pretty much gave you the abstract on this little paper I've written about this. Also, whoa, some ice just fell off my roof.

That was scary. Also. Spray is bringing. Three-month salary, $2,000. That doesn't seem right to me. You either got played or your dude's bank account is busted. What? You should bring up all of these things.

You should bring up all of these. This, this here is an embarrassment. Stanley, let me refer to my PowerPoint presentation about why I'm going to sell this engagement ring. Slide number one, your bank account's busted. Are you supposed, I'm not sure you have this right. Are you supposed to spend a quarter of your annual salary on an engagement ring?

Is that what you're telling me? That is the rule. I'm not making that up. I think you're pulling that out of your ass. Travis, have you heard this before? I think that's wedding, I think that's wedding rings. Oh, no, those are like, those are like 60 bucks. Like, I have a Yahoo.

Okay, give it, give me. It was sent in by Adam Holly. Thanks, Adam Holly. It's by Yahoo Answers. 2010 World Series Champs, who asks, if you could have a fragrance in your honor, what would it smell like and what would it be called? Mine would, he adds,

mine would be a grapefruit cinnamon smell named Zesty. Because that sounds super gross. It smells like Christmas. Can you give me some of the answers? Because I feel like that's fair. There are only two, which is heart breaking. That is really sad. We need to get some more answers for this guy.

Alicia says, bullshit, and I slap it on my enemy's faces. You don't understand how this works. You don't understand how Cologne works. Todd Parker has a very succinct answer, because it's only three words, but it describes everything about it. Eva Mendes' vagina. This is our new perfume, Todd.

It smells like Eva Mendes' vagina. What a haunting, like... This is our new perfume, Eva Mendes' vagina. Strangely, it smells like oranges and cinnamon, which you would never guess. Can we just call it... Mendes. Mendes.

For my personal fragrance, I would want it to be something beefy, because I'm a dude. I'm out there making deals, making plays in business. Something beefy, but kind of like cigarettes. Like kind of like beef and cigarettes. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. I call it big business, because that's what I'm out there doing. I actually love that. That's a direct name for a clone. Big business. It smells like raw beef and cigarettes. Okay.

I don't like that part as much. Does somebody make a money perfume? This is my perfume, Bollen. It smells like money. No, no, it would be more tasteful than that. It would come in a... It would look like maybe a piggy bank. That's a little gauche.

May a dollar sign? Maybe just call it like... Crisp builds. Or just like... Or just crisp. Rollin'. Rollin'? See, you guys are...

You're thinking about a sort of a hip hop superstar affectation. You're not going back. Making it rain. Making it rain? And it would smell like rain and money. Like money that's been left out in the rain. Hey, what... Can we talk about the atmospheric situation in your bedroom right now, Devin?

Because right now it's supposed to be raining money. And I don't think that like meteorologically, I don't think that that's a sound. Scenario for you to be sleeping in. I would... I wouldn't want mine to smell like my two favorite smells, which is baby skin and campfires. Wousers.

Because that first one was like super creepy. Yeah, but then you combine it with the campfire and you imagine the smell of baby skin on a campfire. Cracklin' baby skin. That's Travis all over. That's actually what I would call it. Cracklin'. That's really upsetting, Travis.

It smells like burning baby skin and even Mendez's vagina. It's called cracklin'. And it's a fragrance. And you could buy it at the store. Cracklin' Mendez. Caused for eight dollars. Don't be fooled by this department store rip-offs. Like sizzlin'.

It's eight cents. Just like it. But it smells like toddler skin on a gas burner. And Dorothy Lang's vagina. So don't be fooled. Don't be fooled by imitators. I think if I ever became a solo folk artist, just traveling around the country with my guitar in a harmonica,

I think Cracklin' Mendez might be the single best name that I could adopt. And that's also my favorite Neil Diamond song. Cracklin' Mendez. Good news, guys. Dorothy Lang was a real person. I was spoiled. There was a second there where I thought, you know, I was coming to the clothes and I was like,

I got to come up with somebody. And it was either, I was trying to come up with the name of the lady from Star Wars. She just wasn't there. So Dorothy Lang is what came out. Turns out she's a photojournalist. So it's a Depression-era photojournalist. Dorothy Lang.

So do you want to smell the downtown of a long-sense-deceased Depression-era photojournalist? I want to hear Griffin's last question, but we have a few quick housekeeping things. This is huge on the website. Where can we find these, Griffin? Well, I think we can just toss them in a Flickr thing, like toss them in a Flickr and then put that Flickr up on Maxfun.

Okay, that sounds good to me. It'll be on Maxfun in some form. Yeah, maxfunfun.org. Go there and you'll find MBAM Valentine's made by a whole bevy of webcomic artists who we really can't say thank you to enough because they're all just outstanding. And we love all of them.

So you go, you can either print one out and write a personal note on it, give it to somebody who's not listening. You can email them to a friend with a little note attached and say, hey, I just want to let you know because we both love MBAM that I love you also on this special day. But they're awesome.

They're really great. So thank you. Seriously, thanks a lot. Because this was like two days notice and we got a shit ton of them. So yeah, there's totally Sean handy side from Level Up Studios. It was his idea.

So thanks to him. A master stroke. It was masterful. The MBAM mix tape, you can still get that. What's the best locale to look for that ditto? I don't know. Online? Yeah, just look for it.

Yeah. You just do a hyperlink. Google the hyperlink and you should. You should ask GZ. Just ask GZ. OK. Ask GZ. That's by Rocky Horror who also,

because we owed him one for making a mix tape about us, wanted us to wish his lady friend Natalie Clappa a happy Valentine's Day on the show. Anyone who's seen the cover art for the MBAM mix tape with the three of us dressed as furries, that was done by Natalie Clapp. Thank you so much, Natalie. That is the background image on my everything.

Yeah. Everything that I have, that is a background image on it. It's such a delightful image. Good JPEG. Hey, Natalie. Great JPEG. Nice JPEG. Keep an eye out this week.

Probably Bob Ball is going to have a new MBAM shirt video. He went to Hawaii and I'm sure he'll have his MBAM shirt in all kinds of compromising positions. He has the only sentient, my brother, my brother and me piece of apparel. It's always going on adventures. We made one and give it to Bob Ball. We'll tweet that out on our feed.

Yeah, we'll just tweet blast it. We'll just tweet blast it and you spread it around with your friends, collect them all. Our forums are officially no more, but our new forums, our new CREB, is open for business here at Maximumfund.org. And for every show, there's an individual episode forum where you can go and discuss that episode.

And talk about all the other incredible shows on the Maximum Fund network. Wait, there are others? There are so many others and they're all so good. Stop podcasting yourself. Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Jesse Goeth, Sound of Young America. Get them.

Caspar Housers. Yeah, they're all great. And you can also stop by Maximumfund.org to see a video of Jesse Thorne hosting the Spirit Awards nominations. And I haven't watched it yet, but Joel McHale is on the front page of it. So I'm going to go watch it right now.

So is Eva Mendes and I really hope that she doesn't like... I felt terrible. Oh, no. Oh, no. I felt just terrible. Travis, tell me about 170 million Americans. Well, thank you for asking, Justin. You see, public radio is threatened

and there's a chance of the funding for public radio being cut. The funding? Which would affect the funding. They need so many funds. Shut up, you bastard. And if you are passionate about public radio, the way I am passionate about public radio,

you can go to 170millionamericans.org. That's 170 millionamericans.org. And pledge your support and tell your representatives to not cut the funding for public radio. Guys, listen. Ira Glass hasn't eaten in weeks. He's starving. Look at him.

He's so, so hungry. He's rail thin. You can see his tiny ribs. He's not the energy to produce anymore. His skeletal fingers can't make those classic edits. Just patches in his grizzled hair. Help him out. Real quick, thanks to a bunch of people

who have been talking about us on Twitter this week. Thanks to Taylor Graphics just getting in the show and helping her to to a while away the hours. TJ McKellwee. He's trying to get Bob Vila to listen to the show. No, I think he'd be a big fan. I think I think Bob would like it. L-M-M-E-L-L-I-M-E-M.

Of course, you'll know him as the guy who has the ABB-AM tattoo. Number one Mbem Van Superfan. Our Superfan who want to wish his mom a happy birthday. So happy birthday to Rowe, who is his mother. I'm not going to say how old she is. A gentleman never does, but. She looks 22.

She looks 22. Yeah, she does. Come on. And church is why I've listened to 20 episodes in two days. Apparently trying to break some sort of world record. That's too much. Too much. Too much Mbem.

So that's the show. We did it. I just want to say, want to tease it. We have so much awesome shit coming up in the next two months. Oh yeah? Just so much awesome shit. Some I can talk about. Some I cannot talk about.

We got the Max Fun pledge drive is coming up. It's going to kick off the last day of February. And yeah, we're going to tell you guys all about that later. But we have so, so much awesome shit coming up. And we are just really excited to give it to you. Not excited to work on it. Like work, I don't think it's our favorite thing. But when it's done and we have it in our hands,

and then you guys have it in your hands, we're all just going to be so happy. Yeah. And we got some other stuff planned for you over the next couple of months that you are just going to. So hot. You're going to shit you guys. You're going to shit in your pants.

You're going to shit your pants. Get ready to go to the pants store. Because your old pants are full of surprise shit. Buy you for you in two months from now. Buy them a gift card for the pants store today. And you will be happy that you made that investment because you're going to need it for the shade in your pants. I guess.

Sure. Why not? Perfect. We need to give out all our info. Holy shit. I can't take this long. OK. Go to mbmbam.com and you can find all the different ways

to get into contact with us. Email mbmbam at maximumfund.org. We have a phone number, Twitter feed at mbmbam. Is that we have a form spring, which I don't know, but there's a link. On there. And oh, if you want to sponsor the show, you can email Teresa at maximumfund.org.

We do personal and corporate messages. And we promise to try to keep a straight face while we're saying them. So that's something, I guess. It's a crazy mixed up world. Is that good now? That was really good. I'm proud of you.

You corporate monster. You used to be about the fans. You've changed. Sellouts. Hey. Hey. Let's see. I'm leaving sweet water.

Okay. This one was sent in by William Hughes. Thanks, Willie. It's by Yahoo Answers user NWO4life. Okay. Who asks, how much beer is a dog supposed to drink? Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, Nate, because of your dad's school wear on the lips. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart.

Three stacks. These girls are smart. Play your part.