My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 44: Chunk Pump

Episode Date: February 28, 2011

We hope you love unprecedentedly long episodes of podcasts, dearest friends, because that's exactly what you're getting -- this here episode contains a plump 81 minutes of wisdom and joy. We also hope you love supporting extra-long advice podcasts, because it's pledge week! We'd sure like it if you could lend a hand -- after all, we ain't heavy. We're your brothers. Suggested talking points: Sexypants, Dragon Puberty, The Laws of Love, Ezekiel's Next Top Sister Wife, B'Doodleykitten, Paul Reubens' Dark Secret, The Thrill of the Chase, New Englandish

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's time for the record. You don't get anything for free in this world. We are cutting you off. This is no exception. 44 episodes in, the bill is due. The bill is due, bitches. This is my brother, my brother, and me. An advice show for the modern era. Welcome to- You got to pay the piper.

Don't pay the piper, sluts. Welcome to the greatest pledge episode ever. This is the best little pledge episode in Texas, is what we're calling this one. This is your brother, my brother, and me. It's an advice show for the modern era. I am Justin McRoy, your oldest brother. I'm Travis McRoy, and we want your money. If you want to know my name, it's going to cost you like two bucks. It's actually, it's Griffin. It's Griffin. If you want that last name for real, two bucks. So we've got a big episode for you. Lots of fun.

Juicy. It is, it's ripe. It's sagging with, with, with juices. Let's stomp this melon. Stomp this melon. Like Gallagher too. I live with my boyfriend. When I get home from work, I like to pretty quickly change into comfy at home clothing, pajama pants or yoga pants, and a t-shirt of some sort. Usually this comfy clothing is baggier and less flattering than what I wear for being out in public. That's why it's comfy. Am I slowly but surely ruining my relationship and killing my boyfriend's attraction to me by spending so much time, probably the majority of our time together, in slouchy clothing. Thanks, sweats in the city.

That's the best. That's a good one. I mean, of course you are right, but no, I have good news. It's an expectations game you're playing right now. You're lowering the bar. Exactly. I think that if you came home every day and like got more dressed up, like, it's going to lose a lot of the effect. But if you sit around and like, scuzzy clothes like for 100 days and then one day like put on some jeans and a t-shirt, you're going to look awesome. Yeah, hang on. Do you don't want him to have the pressure of trying to continually outclass you at home?

And then, you know, it culminates with him wearing a tux and you emerging from a clam shell when he gets home from work. Like, you don't want that. Do you guys remember what my jam used to be? What was your jam? Your pants off as soon as you got home? I would cross the threshold of our childhood home and my pants would just disintegrate off of my body. Like they would just. Our parents went through so many pants bills. You had no idea. As if by magic, my pants would vanish into the luminescent ether. Griffin actually invented tear away pants for that very purpose.

I actually, I had this trick where I could just like, I could stand narrowly. I could stand with my frame narrowly and my pants would just fall off of my body. That's not a joke. That was a real thing I could do. So maybe that's a good thing because no pants is about as comfortable as humans get. Kind of sexy. Kind of sexy. Little sexy, little hot. Listen, young lady, I want to make two really important points. One, he loves you. He's going to think that the things that you wear, you know, just around the house or whatever are adorable because he loves you. And this is part of being in a loving relationship. He likes to be cozy too. He gets it. Two, if you're worried about the attraction thing, he's a guy, sweetheart, and you're a girl.

You flash, you flash a boob, a one boob. Like half a boob. Like half a boob. Take them to the anchor show. You do like a quarter of boob. You get like a quarter boob and he's down. He's DTF and that's short for down to fuck. And that is not, and that is not something that you acquire over time. For guys, it's a very instantaneous. So like, oh, there's a boob. Time to go. You know what's always sexy? What's that? A robe. Because it's mysterious. What's underneath? That's sexy, right? I'm robed right now. I'm wearing a robe. Teresa and I like, we often have robe dates where it's just like we get home from work and we've had, we've had a long day and it's like,

let's robe it up. And then we watch David Attenborough specials. I never disrobed before a gunfight. That's just me. I don't know. I don't know where you guys are. Anybody else see Drive Angry? Ah, it's a good flick. Yeah, that was a good reference you just made. Your picture, everybody enjoys that. I can only wear my robe for about an hour or two in the morning because I always feel like I smell really bad when I'm wearing a robe. Like a cocoon of stink. Yeah, like off of you. It's like a second skin that you wear outside of your normal sweaty, stinky skin that absorbs your stuff. And then, I don't know, there's something about the way that I, it just,

it hangs on my body. It just seems to funnel. It seems to funnel like the smell like up and out and in my, my nose. It's really bad. Do you bathe? Yeah, I bathe. I mean, I bathe. Did you say you bathed or you bathe? Like, what's our tense? Let's take a tense check. I'm familiar. Right. I'm terrified. I have this friend who's been dating this guy on and off four different times. Now, every time by the end, they seem to hate each other, but then two months or so, they're dating again. How can I tell my friend to just give up on him? P.S., my friend's a girl. That's from Brandon. I used to have the theory that like once a couple broke up,

they're broken up. Yeah. Like there's no coming back from that. Now, everybody listening is going to say, but I know there's one guy. Great. Yeah. You know the exception. That's awesome. But I'm saying as a rule, like once you break up, how do you come back from that? Like, especially after two months, it's like, oh, hey, you want to go at this again? I didn't work out this time either. Whoops. It's like forgetting the ending of a book and then rereading the book and going, oh, fuck, they die. That's right. Your relationship sucks. Don't get back into it. Yeah. I think Travis makes a great point because one time, the first girl I ever dated, we dated for a couple months and then we split up for reasons that aren't exactly clear.

And then later I married her. What are you doing? You fucking monster. I'm on the column. I'm the other guy. I'm the thing. I'm the thing here. I'm the guy here. I'm not an exception of telling you. You're crazy. You're the exception, Travis. You're the exception. I'm the exception. You ever dated a girl twice? Oh yeah. Okay. So just Travis then. Travis is out on his own on this. And let me tell you how well Griffin turned out. My retail really well, yeah. I would say that we're 50, 50, 50 here. I think that's fair. I don't know. I think that, I don't know. It can really go either way because maybe sometimes, maybe sometimes you break up and that break up period, that brief break up,

makes you realize, you know, that, that, you know, you need that person and that you've changed and that, you know, you've grown. Yeah. You've grown and evolved. Have you grown? Okay. But we're giving advice to the person breaking up and getting back together. Four times is a little excessive. Yeah. This guy's asking how does he tell his friend to end it? I don't think you can. I don't think you do. What do you care? Why do you care? You got to jettison. All you could do is be really passive aggressive. And like when they come back and be like, Oh, I got back together with him. Just go, Oh, really? Huh? Huh? Huh? That's, that's all you could do. Did we broke up? Oh, did you break up? So treat it like it's not a thing at all. And then he's probably just doing it for the attention

or she is, you know, like, yeah, that's good. Just don't get it now. You got to do your time sounds like they're like 15. You got disengaged from this relationship from their relationship. You got to say like, Oh, whatever, she's doing this with this guy. It has no bearing on me. That is what you should say. Because it's that way lies madness. Like getting all up in other people's cream, like you don't need that. Also, you run the risk of really sounding like an asshole. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if your friends not looking for the advice there, then you just want to stay out. It's a loser. It's a, it's a, it's a real loser. You don't, you don't need it. Speaking of loser, speaking of loser, let's talk about winners. How about a Yahoo? Yes. Uh, this one was sent in by

Vikram Murugaval. I paid to Jesus. I said that right. It's by Yahoo answers user. Not that, not that Vikram Murugaval likely believes in Jesus. He sounds like a heathen. Okay. He sounds like a pagan. Is he a pagan? I think he's a pagan. One racist thing we say every episode I have to edit out. This one is, uh, this one's by Yahoo answers user dragon 101 who asks, I'm a dragon. Okay. But I don't know how to summon my special skills. I can do some things unordinary. Anyone have ideas? This is kind of new. Uh, and also confusing for my age that is. I can tell you right now that I'm under 21. Anyone have ideas on what I could do because I'm a dragon, please? Well, this is the age old question of, is it a mental thing? Is there a muscle that

you flex? Is there an incantation? It's age old questions. You know, and really it's different strokes for different folks. Like for me, for me, it's all muscular. I've had to tone. I've had to develop. You've had to cagle. I've had to cagle my dragon muscles to the point where I can, you know, execute my, my unordinary abilities. But the thing is 21. That's a, that's kind of a, you're a little late to the game. You are. You're getting a late start to learning your, your dragon is in the old tongue. Your, your draconic, your draconic abilities. Because I mean, that's a, that's a weird age. Dragon and Huberti. Like, I had mine in, I had mine in middle school. I was kind of an early bloomer. I hit mine, of course, in the third age, but it was a long time ago.

Okay. Yeah. I'm, I just become, I just became so terrified because I just realized that dragons have learned to use the internet and we've lost our one vantage. One thing we had that they didn't. I don't know how to break this to you, but one out of every four people you talk to or meet on the internet is a dragon. Holy shit. Is that a velociraptor noise? Travis. Oh, shit. Travis is one of them. I didn't know this was a dragon cast. If dragons aren't using the internet, then explain TMZ. You can't. It can't be done. It's made by, made by, goss up by dragons, four dragons. Perez Hilton, half dragon. What does a dragon keyboard look like? Do you think it has runes? I think it has runes. I think it's very runic. I think it's made out of like loot.

Just like. What? Why a loot? Like dragon loot. Dragons have hoards, right? Just full of like jewels and gold. Travis a loot. Oh, L. O. O. T. Not L. U. T. Yeah. He didn't. You think you made it met several little stringed instruments? Like that's a skateboard or something? I couldn't. I couldn't. Like sting? Like sting plays? Yes. Sting is a dragon. Sorry, Travis. I'd, I'd, sorry. I didn't, I didn't mean to do a. I'm sending out an S. O. S. of sadness. Oh, I'll be sad. It's just sting. I know. Like in any way. How do you, I can't remember how I dealt with the pressure of being a teenage dragon. I made a Disney movie out of it. And it was called how to deal with the pressure of being a teenage dragon. Yeah, it wasn't very popular. Yeah. Speaking of dragons,

it's, we need your fire for the maximum fun pledge drive. It's pledge week. We want you to rush, rush my brother and my brother and me. Pledge our frat, our fraternity of, of chuckles. Can we haze, can we haze our listeners? I think this is a hazing. Every week's a hazing here at my brother and my brother and me. So this is our pledge drive for 2011. We're going to talk a little bit about the network and, and some of the, the benefits of donating here in a sec. But first just to let you know how this works. This is a network. It's family and like a family. Like family better. Daddy's got to get paid. So, and daddy, in this case, our daddy is the maximum fun network and you find folks who enjoy the, the programming here pay for us to make it. You pay to help us

buy equipment. You pay to help us run our website and you pay to help us host our shows and you're paying for it. You're, I like to think of it like a medieval patronage. Like we're, we're, how's that? How's that work? We're like kept, we're like kept people like we're like serfs. Yeah, I was going to say, I feel kind of serfish. It's more like, it's more like how, you know, the king would want Mozart to write a piece for him. This is not medieval times, of course, anymore, but so we're like Da Vinci. We're like Da Vinci basically shows like our Sistine Chapel. We're, we're like Da Vinci, but better at drawings. I think it's an accurate way to put it. So Griffin, can you tell them a little bit about why they should donate? Why it's so

important? Well, I'm working on this helicopter, like kind of a whirligig helicopter made out of parchment and wood framing and it's an expensive project. Yeah. I want to make a man fly. Can you help me make a man fly with wood framing, parchment wings? No, it's, it's, we, we have donations from listeners is, is our, our main, you know, lifeblood. It's our lifeblood. It pumps through our veins and gives us strength and energy to, to do this thing that we do and, and all the other maximum fun podcasts do. Listen, podcasting is kind of a, it's still in its infancy, you know, it's, it's still fresh. It's still new. The, the rulebook hasn't been written yet. And so maximum fun. And one of the main reasons we joined maximum fun is because

they're, they're doing awesome things. We're doing awesome things, I guess, because we're part of that family. But, you know, we cover topics that aren't really covered in other places. And, you know, we, we do it in a way that a lot of other forms of programming don't do. Um, and we fostered this community of, well, we didn't foster, you know what I'm saying, maximum fun is fostered a community of probably the best community on the internet. I would say, I think that, especially after they fuse with my brother and my brother and me, the, the Mibin Bambinos, I think that they really, uh, it really is a, a top flight. We should give them that spice, that picante.

With that, that, that, like, mmm, what a delicious flavor. With that last, like, dash of, like pepper, where you going? Yeah. Exactly. You know, it's funny, Gryff, we, we, you watch so much stuff on TV and so many movies that, that is supposed to be funny. And you think, wow, this doesn't really get me. You know, this isn't really up my alley. And then you listen to stuff on maximum fun. And it is, it is sort of, you know, when you find something that you, you really like, um, you, you, you know, you want to support it and show that, that you're out there listening. Um, and we, it really is a,

chatter. What? Gotta get that chat. No, it's, it's a cool thing because I mean, you can, you can see it in the way that the, my brother, my brother and me community has sort of mashed into the maximum fun community is that you, it's basically just like a big group of friends. It's like, it's like finding this new big group of friends. Uh, but also that group of friends does, does, you know, shows and they're, they're all, they're friendly shows. I don't know. I lost my train of thought there. No, no, no, you were doing great. Trev, why don't you tell us, let's get, let's get to what

people really want to know. What, what's in it for me? What do you get? Obviously, like the most obvious thing is 44 episodes, man. Time to pay up. Yeah. Time to pay the piper. You can, you can alleviate your guilt. You're, I know you're guilty. I hope that every week you laugh and you feel guilty. And after this, you can only do, you can narrow that down. You can whittle that down to one of those. And not only that, but now you can laugh and feel superior to all those people that didn't donate. And you can start talking about those freeloaders and like hating on the, the lower class. It's pretty awesome. But also you get, you get tangible gifts. Um, there's many different levels of donation. Um, well for the $2 or $5 a month level of donation, you get the max fund

membership card and access to exclusive episodes of JJ go. Uh, my brother, my brother and me, John Hodgman and stop podcasting yourself. Um, and so there are all special episodes that you only get access to if you're a donor. Um, and also we've done some, uh, rift movies, kind of, you know, uh, hilarious old timing, 1950s instructional videos. Um, and we did one, stop podcasting yourself, did one and, uh, Jordan did one and Jesse, I'm sure was in there as well. Those two also get you stickers and what that come with the membership card that you can, you know, apply to a Lisa Frank trapper keeper. Um, if people are still, I was a, I was an all star, or a five star man. Um, but I'm, I'm sure that the, the trapper keeper is still a hot, you could

also, you could also apply those stickers to a sleeping friend. We recorded our, uh, special episode yesterday, our pledge drive episode, your bonus episode yesterday. And it is probably the best. It's a barn burner. I mean, I would say star studded. Yeah. We got some stuff. Can we tell them about the stars? Yeah, please. Yeah. Oh, we've got, uh, uh, you want Jordan, you want Jesse Thorn from Jordan, Jessica. You got him. Dave Shumka and Graham Clark from stop podcasting yourself. Yeah. Sure. Why not? You want Clint McElroy? Clint McElroy? Who? That's right. Clint McElroy, McElroy scion. You want, you want Clint McElroy? No problem. How about, how about John Hodgman? Yeah. I think you might want to go get that app and you can only get it

by donating to the maximum fund drive as little as $2 a month. I know, I know you can afford that, but if you want to bump it up, let's say you want to get up to 10, $10, you say, I can afford $10 a month for $10. If they want to go to $10. Yeah. $10, you get a tote bag. You're going to get a tote bag. Uh, we would, you can get it for any maximum fund show. There's only one right answer, of course. We all, we all have our own designs. ours was done by Mr. Justin Rousseau, who's work you're probably familiar with because it's, um, it's, it's pretty much the best work on the planet. Like, have you guys seen the constitution? He's like Da Vinci's Da Vinci. Yeah. He, he did the layout for the constitution is what I'm saying. Yeah. Those tote bags come from the fine people.

Those tote bags are from the fine people at eco bags. Uh, thank you so much. Fine people at eco bags. Who did the printing on those? I believe it was VG kids. I've seen their work before. It's, it's, it's equally exquisite. Um, so that would be, that would be awesome. If you want to get that tote bag and make sure you do request to my brother and my brother and me tote back, it's the best one. It makes the other ones look like a dookie bag. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. I don't want to judge them. You get the, uh, you get the max fund pack and the, the donors only episodes with the $10 a month. Go ahead and each of these levels, you get the shit in the last level the previous levels as well, which is, it's just the values, the value sound of this world.

Uh, and then at $20 a month, if you go, you go 20, you're going to be a part of the diamond friendship circle. I'm going to tell you, $10, you're a friend of the family, $20 diamond friendship circle. My knee is bleeding. I don't know why I mentioned that, but it is happening. Uh, is it because of all the, is it because of all the special feelings you're feeling right now? I feel so emotional that my knee is bleeding. That's love. That's love coming out of your knee. You're going to get a special max fund USB drive. So cool. It's made of wood and it has the, uh, max fund. How does it keep all the technology inside? Dry ads. Uh, it's a, it's a special USB drive made of wood emblazoned with the rocket to the stars max fund logo. It's full of max fund

shows. You delete them. I don't care. Whole Sam. I don't care. Screw you. Put porn on it. Do what you like. Tote bag. Got it. Max fund pack. You know it. Try it. Put porn in the tote bag. Exclusive, uh, uh, access to donors and only episodes of podcasts and three or short films. Yeah, I should say so. Uh-huh. Um, we'll tell you about the other, uh, some of the other donation levels here in a bit, but, uh, we really, really could use your help here. If you want to go to, um, maximumfund.org forward slash donate. You'll see all the, the different levels. Um, uh, you know, right there. If you don't have the internet, how the fuck are you listening to this? You wizard. You silly bitch, wizard. Um, I just, I just want to say this is, this really is a really cool way for you guys to

invest in the show. You guys have been nothing but, but warm and receptive to us since we started. Um, and this thing just keeps growing. Uh, and we wanted to keep growing. Uh, and we could use, you know, we could use whatever help you could give us because, uh, yeah, just, just get involved. Get a, you're going to feel so good. If you, if you donate and every time you listen to the show or any of the other fine shows on the max fund network, and you'll know that it's because of you, that we can, we can keep doing this awesome thing that we absolutely love doing. Think about it like buying stock in my brother, my brother and me, and please say you'll be part owner of my brother, my brother and me. We're a minority stake. We're the Green Bay Packers of,

of podcasts. Okay. I like it. And we're Super Bowl champs. I'm the Matthews of, of audio broadcasting. I'm the, I'm the other one. I'm the Vince Lombardi of taking it downtown for the three point goal. So donate right now. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Go get on your computer. I know you have the internet. Stop playing. Go to maximumfund.org or slash donate and get on board. Moving on. I met this girl to party on Saturday and she asked me for my number. I requested hers in return. What is the correct number of days I should wait to call and ask for a date as to not seem too eager or dismissive. I love this. She's really pretty. Wait for it. Well, I don't believe in that. I mean, I,

I don't either. I don't, I don't believe in the waiting period. And I'll tell you why. First off, you're not in swingers. Fuck you. All right. I'm sorry. You're no, you're no Vince Vaughn. You're, you're barely a Jean Favreau. And even if you are Jean Favreau, you're Jean Favreau and Rudy carrying an extra 50 bounce or so. You, if you like somebody, had a good time, you're going to wake up the next day thinking about that person, guaranteed. And they're going to wake up the next day, maybe thinking about you. Maybe they're not. Like you got to guarantee you got to close. You got to ask for the sale. You got to get, get on the horn and, and make contact. I say no waiting. I don't believe you.

I think that's a great point. If you call someone and it's quote too early to call them, news flash, they weren't that interested. If you tell me that you're going to wait three days to call a girl that you were really into, you're going to have to convince me that you are not going to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Because if you, if you can't prove that, then pick up the phone and start dialing. That's all I'm saying. Live like you're dying. Anyone that tells you you should wait, you shouldn't listen to their advice. Like that's the kind of thing. Like it's just the beginning of like a mind game. Like you don't want to do that. It's stupid. If you like think this person was real pretty and you're actually interested in them,

why wait? Like it, it doesn't make any sense. There are no, there are no laws to love. Throw that rule book out. Well, there, there are laws. There are no laws age limits. There's no laws when it comes to age of love. You can't put illegal age on love. That's what I always can't. Oh, you always say that. You do. We have, we already did that as a society, I think. Put age on love. Just love with reckless abandon. Within reason. Definitely. Yeah. Nope. You can't put a reason. Can't read. Love ain't got no reason. Well, love don't cost a thing. I learned that from American Idol, who's Jennifer Lopez. Don't need money. Don't need money. Don't need fame. Don't need fame.

You don't need a credit card. We're not certain. Where are we at on credit cards? You can ride this train without any form of credit or debit card. Incidentally, a credit or debit card is a perfect way to donate to maximum fun. If you just want to go ahead to maximum fun at our four size donate right now, you can just get it. I want to throw out just in case this wasn't implied. You should wait at least 12 hours. Before donating? No, before calling. If you get her number, do not call her on the way home. Like. Yeah. Yeah, that's weird. Hey, listen. Excitement is one thing. Stalker is another.

Let's, let's make this more relevant for the now generation. You don't tweet them. Yeah. It's Facebook. You got you. What's the, what's the ruling on Facebook sending a Facebook friend request? Because I always feel weird. Like I'll meet somebody. I'll meet somebody and be like, you seem like a cool person I can be friends with. But if I Facebook them as soon as I get home, I'm going to seem like a fucking weirdo that was like, I can't wait to put you in my collection. Here's what you need to be aware. If she's given you her number and then you Facebook friend request it, you're taking a step back. You've already got the number. You need to move forward.

Also, you shouldn't text her until you call her first. And if you do tweet, make sure you remove the location, especially if it is in her bushes. That's really important. Where is this coming from? This tweet is coming from my bushes outside. This tweet is coming from inside the house. It's away from inside the house. He's tweeting. Is that a Marcus shaped topiary? Nope. Nope. Marcus is in my bushes. It's just big M stalking again. Lately, I've noticed something. My girlfriend's unable to keep quiet when we're trying to indulge in any sort of recording media, even when it's something we're both interested in, movies, podcasts, TV shows, etc. I can count on it being interrupted

by a story that lasts forever. I'm the kind of guy that likes to catch every second of what I'm watching or listening to. I've given up listening to your show when we're together because I'll hear an explosion of laughter from Travis and have no idea what I just missed. What's the most what I just missed? That's what I said. That's what he typed, I swear. What's the most polite way to say, shut up. Talked out in Toronto. Hey, dog, there's not. You just got to pick and choose your media, my friend. If you want to end your relationship real quick, the best thing to do is as soon as she starts talking, pause whatever you're listening to or watching, let go of a deep sigh and turn towards her and go, no, please go on. Oh, God.

That's brutal. That is really brutal. Yeah, that will. Or you could also, you could also end that relationship right quick just by saying, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Miat, miat, miat, miat. Just keep saying that until she stops. She'll get the message. I think the best way to deal with this is to, before you indulge in the recorded media, talk her out. Just let her get it all out. Tell her about, let her hear about everything that's been going on in your life, in her life. So she feels that, like, sated. Like, she's obviously got a need to connect with you. And you know what? There are some shows that you can be sort of understanding about this with. Like, Sydney and I have shows that we watch, that we watch-watch.

But there are other shows that we like to watch just because it kind of starts conversations. And you can talk, you know, like, we don't sit there mum while we watch. Sister Wives? Top Sister Wives or Top Model. Top Sister Wives? Top Sister Wives. Top Sister Wives. I'm the best Sister Wives there is.

Yeah. Ezekiel's next Top Sister Wives. I think we can all agree that Robin is the clear winner this season. Yeah, she is. She's a beautiful, homely, strong woman. I think it's Amarosa. She is on everything. Man, I love New York. And she is doing a great job on Ezekiel's next Top Sister Wives. So let me give you this, pick your balance. I'm going to give you some Zen advice.

Uh-oh. Yeah. In this modern age of technology, that's what Tivo is for. It's what paused and stop buttons are for. And like, there is nothing in this world that's so important that you need to tell her to shut up. You can rewatch something. You can catch a rerun of it. You can listen to it again. Or if it's a podcast, you could delete it and then download it again just several times until you get your fill of it. Just keep deleting and downloading our podcast, because that's going to be,

that's good for our numbers. And it's good for your love life. Well, it's good for our numbers. Do you think that she talks during the finale of Lost? Because fuck that noise. Oh, then you throw her out a window. Yeah, it's got to have limits. Like... Hey, where's Debbie? Oh, Debbie? I threw her out a window. She talked during the finale of Lost and I threw her out a window. You live on the first floor, but she still went like she went away because...

No court will convict you for that crime. There's not a court in America, not a court in the land that would bust you for that. Griffin, I need a Yahoo answer. It's pretty important. Let me see if I can do something for you in that department. Okay. This one was sent in by R. Gayheart. Thank you, R. Gayheart. It's by Yahoo answers user Alexis who asks, What should I call my boyfriend? My boyfriend and I joke around and call each other by fun pet names like chump and punk.

What are some names I could call him or what have you called boyfriends or girlfriends? I usually call my girlfriends chump or punk, so I'm fresh out of solutions. You could combine it and just call him chunk. Yeah, or pump. Cineans is on commandant. Is that normal? Is that okay? This is my girlfriend. This is my girlfriend chunk pump. I love her very much. She's very sweet. This is my girlfriend, the captain. I really love her very much.

She's a real sweetheart. Chunk pump makes me think of like the old timey way that pioneers used to get creamed corn up out of the ground. Got a deep vein here. This is a nice vein. It's rich. Let me get out my creamed corn dowsing machine. It's made of cream corn. I hold a scoop of cream corn in my left hand and it leads me home. What cream corn?

I think we can find some elucidation in the answers that have been provided. Galf answers user PB responded, names I've called him sap sweet boy his middle name Dumbo loser or just L Is the middle name Dumbo?

Reginald Dumbo Bevan Killer cop boy or his occupation hyphen boy Unemployed boy Hey cop boy Count boy get over here and have some sex Taco bell cashier boy I need you

Cutie Nuts Wiener Tiger Slug Sloth Hey Wiener Tiger Penis

Hey slug cop boy Hey sluggo come on over here What this? Names he has called me Baby My initials PB Lover Restraining order

Lover Baby dolly Blonde Dumbo Oh Hey Hey Hey Blonde Dumbo Hey Blonde Dumbo over here

You fly over here with your big ears The zebra cake ain't gonna open itself Angel Goodie Kitty as in here kitty kitty You had to clarify that one And my favorite darling I'm pretty sure that your boyfriend likes you more than you like him

Answer You call your you basically call your boyfriend I'm just there are so many of the answers I'm not gonna say who who came The worst just the worst things you can come up with punk chunk Punk and chunking and he he seems really into you Except for Blonde Dumbo it seems a little out of line Well, yeah, tell me Anastasia responded

Mr. Sweetsy Poo Lovey Snookums Cuddly Kins Huggy Bear Love Muffin Snugly Pie Boo Boo Bear Bon Bon Sugar Lips

Hi, I'm Bon Bon Sugar Lips I'm Professor Bon Bon Sugar Lips I'm Bon Bon Bon Sugar Lips The next thing is the best thing I've ever read Badoodly Kitten What? What? Badoodly Kitten

Say that one more time Badoodly Kitten Can I get one more just take me to the bridge? A Badoodly Kitten That would be B B apostrophe D Oodly Kitten I didn't know that you could just like say sounds and like mash them together

Like Bacquancha Like Bacquancha? Like that's Badoodly Kitten Badoodly Kitten Kissy Kissy Sweetheart Love and Lovey Poo

Sexy Yum Yum Cupcake Badoodly Kitten Badoodly Kitten Sweetie Kins These are starting to sound like the names of like really bad Japanese anime Sweetie Yum Yum Cakes It was Sexy Yum Yum Cupcake Which, excuse me, probably sounded

Pardon me Yeah, that's your Badoodly Sweetie Pie Kitten Cake was your last girlfriend I know I know what you've been doing Behind my back Don't you confuse me with her I'm not your Badoodly Cake anymore I don't think I've ever been in any relationship where I had nor distributed pet names

Really? I don't think you should have more than like two Then it just becomes like a game and kind of Stupid A little a little stupid Justin, you sounded surprised by my assertion Do you and your wife have...? Well, I think employing pet names is fine

I think assigning them is probably a little much As I'm sitting here having a memento sort of flashback moment I'm realizing that my wife has to my knowledge Never employed a pet name when speaking of me So maybe I'm off base or maybe this is a one-sided type thing But you have one for her? Are you going to keep it secret like a power word? I don't have like a specific pet name for her

Okay, you yelled on the stairs at her What? I don't know, just honey or sweetie You know different malleable nouns Like I'll just swap one of those in It doesn't really matter Here's an action item For this week

I want you to only refer to your wife By one of the names I've mentioned in this line of questioning May I recommend Badoodly Cake? May perhaps Badoodly Kitten? Maybe Kissy-Kissy Sweetheart I think it's going to work out really well Sexy Yum Yum Cupcake No, that was my last girlfriend

So, you know, we've been having a lot of fun here And I know that when I am having a lot of fun What I always think is I wish I could pay for this The good news is you can This is pledge week for Maximum Fun And we are... We wanted to go over some of the other donation levels

But I wanted to thank you in advance And just record If you haven't donated yet Just go ahead and skip this And then come on back But thank you in advance for donating Because it's not just for us We're part of a family here

And we use this money for a lot of really cool stuff We're going to use it for, you know, goes to meetups Is something that your money goes towards Helping us get together with you guys It goes, like we've said before Hosting fees to pay Artists who help create stuff with us And things like merchandise

Merchandise Yeah, I mean, it's a really positive way to spend your money Because what Maximum Fun puts into the world is goodness It is... It's unadulterated joy Just pleasure You're donating to the creation of pleasure And if there's a finer way to spend your money

I haven't heard about it And if there's a finer level for you to donate at Then $35 per month There are, there are many higher levels These rewards, I mean, there are But there are But these... The rewards for $35 per month

Griffin, hit me with it It's almost... I feel like I'm in some sort of dream state Like I've been in a dream state Since I first saw it Because it's too incredible to be real Judge John Hodgman's post apocalyptic justice squad Friend of the show

John Hodgman I feel like I need to make that sound Yeah, can you make it one more time? I might have stepped on a little bit Awesome, so what do you get? You get Judge John Hodgman's And Maximum Fun's completely collectible

Completely proprietary Nerd emergency kit What's in an emergency kit, he asks That felt good to say Yeah, did it? The... I would say the centerpiece The cornucopia

In the middle of your Thanksgiving dinner table Is an ETON self-powered AM FM Weather radio With flashlight A solar USB power station for your phone And that's it I said, I kept adding onto that sentence Like there was something else on it

But how much more shit do you need? It's a radio that gets AM FM and weatherband It charges both solarly and with a crank It has a flashlight on it And a USB power station for your phone If your shit... If Earth's shit gets fucked Like in 2012

If we experience a 2012 scenario Everyone who doesn't donate $35 per month is gonna die on Earth I'm sorry, $10 and $20 and $2 and $5 Like you guys are great Good job, thanks for all that But you're fucking dead You're fucking dead You're in heaven

You're in heaven, you're dead You didn't go to heaven though Unless if you had paid nothing, you went to hell Yeah That's just religion 101 $2, $5, $10, $20, heaven $35 Don't even fret about heaven or hell yet

Because you got a long, long time left to live Because you have this sweet ass emergency kit That will keep you alive forever Till the vegetables die out Then it's like every man for himself Another awesome thing about that radio Is it comes with the Red Cross logo emblazoned across it Because every portion of what you donate

Goes to help the Red Cross in, you know, those You're donating Past or feed countries To Joy, both here and abroad The Maximum Fun USB Drive is also in there You're going to get a really cool book Called Roll Models by Mr. John Waters He was very, very kind to include

Let us include this book in the nerd emergency kit Okay, we're not even done yet We're not even done yet This is the craziest thing You ready? This is what I'm really excited about Oh, there's a credit card survival tool That's a can opener, knife edge, screwdriver ruler

Cap opener, four position wrench, butterfly wrench, saw blade Saw blade, direction, ancillary indication And a little lanyard hole You get a saw blade? A saw blade and a saw blade Yeah, both of those things are in it Pad of graph paper? Sure, a mechanical pencil?

Why wouldn't you? White surgical tape? Don't mind if I do Wait, what would that be for? 20-sided die? What? What's the white surgical tape? For taping up your glasses

This is the best kit ever A 20-sided die? Sure, let's have some fun It's the apocalypse I heard that that 20-sided die only rolls 20s Nothing but critical hits for you and your friends Dinosaur Band-Aids, astronaut ice cream, powdered tang And you're gonna get the eco bags, tote bag

And the access to all the shows And the stickers in the membership card And the stickers in the membership card Holy shit, guys $35 a month I feel like you should include extra money in there Just for how great that is This year alone, I have bought a piecemeal

An Eton self-powered AMFM weatherband radio With all that chargey shit And a USB drive And that book And that tool And some paper And a mechanical pencil And white surgical tape

And a 20-sided die And dinosaur band-aids And astronaut ice cream and powdered tang You know how much it cost me? All together? How much? $400,000 Griffin is so deeply in debt

And there's only one way to get him out And that's to go to Maximumfun.org Ford slash donate You can't argue the value of this Fucking new emergency kit It will blow your face off with value And pledge right now Do not hesitate

Because we need it now Griffin's so broke They're coming They're coming for him So broke Why did he buy so many Astronaut ice creams? That's the question

Also, this is worth mentioning For the first year Maximumfun has switched its donation method Off PayPal Because PayPal had a snoot So deep in the teller PayPal was cutting a lot A significant amount of money

Out of your donations Not no mo We have a new donation system So all like I think it's basically 99.99% Of all the money you donate Goes to Maximumfun And goes to supporting great shows

Like us and Joining Jesse Goh And Judge John Hodgman And stop podcasting yourself And signing Young America Just, you know We need your help to stay alive Because you guys are the only The only source of revenue

That the Maximumfun network has So please help out Also That's not true Well, you're pretty much You're 99.99% Thanks Again with these numbers

That I think you just make it Also, there are challenge donors Which are people who have Who have agreed to donate A certain amount of money For every new donor That Maximumfun gets So your donation

Is basically a double donation The final tally for challenge donors It's a double amount of donations It's five dollars And 60 cents Six and a half cents I'm going to meet that guy When he donated 1.5 cents

And I'm going to high five him Someday He's the coolest guy ever So for every donation Your donation also Nets Maximumfun An additional five dollars And 66 and a half cents

So there's like There's double incentive for you to give So go donate Because you're going to feel so great And we're going to feel so great Because we can We can keep growing And keep expanding

And keep, you know Keep this show Making you laugh Keep bringing you joy Pleasure I would say We want to please you We want to touch your

Your deepest pleasure centers What is it? What is it? It's up in that pleasure center If you don't mind Listen guys I have trouble waking up in the morning But especially on weekends

Recently I woke up at nine Which is when my alarm was set And went back to sleep I woke up later at three in the afternoon Me and a good portion of my day was already gone Oh man Wow That sucks

I don't really have this problem on weekdays When I have school But it happens nearly every Saturday and Sunday What can I do to help myself wake up earlier? I have a suggestion What? Get in like a really bad car accident Okay

Or fall down a manhole Or almost drown Or get in like a plane that almost crashes You need to You gotta come face to face With your own mortality Neil And only then will you realize How precious every second you spend on this earth is

Wow Griffin that's beautiful Just like the movie Fearless If Fearless was a podcast It would be my brother, my brother You have two options You come face to face with your own mortality Or you buy one of those CD players

That will start playing a certain track at a certain time And just put what Just reach into your bag of Black Eyed PCDS And put in any one that you want Cause there is not a track on there that won't wake you up Okay well you kinda You skewed off there Ooh

Yeah you I thought you were really on point And then that happened Thank you for copying my swagger Like oops You know I'm awake Neil I'm worried about you Because waking up at nine

And then falling back to sleep And accidentally sleeping for another six hours That's a whole sleep You sleep at a whole another night's sleep What time did you go to bed Did you go to sleep at eight thirty And wake up at nine And then sleep for another six hours

Hi I'm coming Neil I don't know if we've met But I go into coma sometimes Maybe you should just get up and go to school I mean I know it's Saturday But just go to your school and sit there Oh you'll be up at least I bet you'll meet some interesting people

You know what I do Because I really like snoozing But what I do is As soon as my alarm goes off Don't even think about it Just sit straight up in bed Like because if you lay there for a minute And like let the alarm go

And think about it You're gonna talk yourself into hitting the snooze button I don't know if the alarm But if you just like spring up out of bed You're up Like you're good Just get going I got another good one

Is to put your alarm clock on the other side of the room Don't put it right next to you Put it on the other side of the room Because then you're up and out of bed Once you're out of bed Half the battle's already won Maybe Neil's got a tiny Chicago bedroom Where it's impossible to put your alarm clock

At a place you can't reach While supine Well then if you have a phone and an alarm clock Set your alarm clock And then set the alarm on your phone for one minute later And then tape them both in the ceiling And then put them in your roommate's room Yeah

Yeah I still say Neil Guess what You're gonna die Hey Neil You're gonna die It might be today It might be tomorrow

It might No, it's probably today or tomorrow Yeah, it's definitely this weekend I'd get out there Every second counts 127 hours Every second counts Shatners has start living

Like you're gonna die Because you're gonna So think about it That's what Shatner says That's from Bill Shatner Founder of the Black Eyed Peas I got a feeling That tonight you're gonna be dead

Yeah, I got a feeling you're dying tonight Griffin, Yahoo! answers I need a taste I need a sliver I need a slice I need a chunk Okay, I actually have something It's not a Yahoo! answer

I'm flipping the script right on a tier I mean, we're on the topic of death Which is serious And you know It's hard to deal with It's not But sexy Serious but sexy

It is kind of sexy But it's hard to wrap the old noodle around Oh, yeah So this topic I guess it's the best thing to call it Was sent in by Uber Anthony Thanks, Uber Anthony It's an eHow article

Which I'm sure you all know Is the world's leading source of information It's by eHow contributor Nancy Hendrickson Who has pinned an article, a helpful article Titled How to Talk to Dead People in Dreams Uh-huh Okay The difficulty of this article is moderately challenging

Which is if you're looking for an easier nighttime activity Maybe go find something else Because this is moderately challenging This is not like a relaxing way It's just you're strolling through the park talking to dead people This is like really getting in there and getting it Thanks to the popularity of psychics Such as John Edwards and Lisa Williams

More and more people are interested in communicating with the dead You can spend years in training to become as accomplished as professionals Or you can use your own dreams as a way of communicating with loved ones Who are no longer on the earth plane The earth plane, got it Prepare your sleep space to begin your quest To communicate with the dead via dreams Your bedroom should be dark and without the possibility of interruption

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait You mean before I go to sleep it should be dark and shouldn't be interrupted? Yeah Go on I'm listening Hey Tommy, what you doing? Hey Fuck, I'm trying to talk to my people

Please leave me, let me be Play relaxing meditation music If it helps you relax quickly into a dream state If you choose to play music Be certain that the music has no dramatic spikes in sound or intensity As these may wake you up We suggest black eyed peas Play back eyed peas backwards and you'll fall asleep

See I used to listen to the soundtrack to Carl Sagan's Cosmos But I can't do it anymore because once he gets to Mars it's like Oh shit, like I'm up now Oh, got him up I was talking to people about the great war Place a dream journal pen and nightlight next to your bed Date the journal entry and create a list of questions or topics you hope to discuss in your dream The purpose of this exercise is simply to set your intent

The intent being clear communication with a specific person who has passed from the living to the world of spirit Oh god Is spirit an acronym for something? The way you said it made it sound like it was like s.p.i.r.i.d Super pathetic internal REM cycle Inside Timothy

It's inside Timothy You have to be inside Timothy for this exercise today I'm a member of spirit Let's make you or the world's most prolific crime fighting team slash dead people talker tours This is my boss your people's This oh my fuck you guys this step is so important Say a simple prayer of protection before drifting off to sleep And ask the person with whom you wish to communicate to appear in your dreams

Be open to receiving communications in varying ways For example, your dream may be filled with a conversation with a dead person Or the dream may be filled with images colors or symbols I had this dream where I ate a giant sandwich. What do you think Hitler was trying to tell me? It was very colorful the sandwich and symbolic in a way Yeah As an example, the dead person may say to you, I can't get through to your mother. She isn't picking up the phone Let me try that again

Could you try her for me? Maybe send her a text As an example, the dead person may say to you He's just picking up the phone Obviously there is no spirit phone You dumb fuck You dumb shit Hey dummy, but it's the dead person's way of saying that they're coming to you because the other person isn't open to communicating with the dead And rather than say that they brought up the complicated idea of a phone

Travis listen, there's imagery. There's colors and their symbols. The spirit phone is a symbol Your mom moms don't talk to ghosts Tell your mom to talk to ghosts more Stop being such a prudish bitch. I'm trying to get your noodle If I have a dream in which I'm in Peewee's playhouse and all of the talking furniture sounds like charles nelson-reilly Yep, what's going on ghost of charles nelson-reilly? Yeah, huh? Is he still trapped at paul rubin's house? He's buried underneath paul rubin's house paul rubin killed charles nelson-reilly Buried him in the cellar. Yeah, and now he makes the corpses of charles nelson-reilly watch him

Watch him eat dinner. He's it's a really weird It's a really weird arrangement. They have mystery solved mystery solved He would have gotten away with the different word for us meddling kids Guys listen, I don't think paul rubin's killed charles nelson-reilly He probably not yet. Not yet. Is that liable? I can never tell. I just said he didn't it's cool. It's only if you say yeah It's only if you if you express doubt in your assertion. Is it not liable? So i'm gonna say with a hundred percent certainty that paul rubin's killed charles nelson-reilly

That's definitely true. I believe it and I have facts to back it up Listen Give yourself the opportunity to develop this new communication vehicle as they say roam wasn't built in a day Like all new things communicating with the dead in dreams takes practice You don't believe it astrally caesar. Hey, how do you get to carnegie hall? Dead people Probably talk to dead boats are ill to give you tips. I'll give you pro tips I'm gonna try this tonight. I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to start developing this communication vehicle

Uh, if you I I'm already doing it. Um Every night, but it is yet to work out for me. Who you who you talking who you chatting up in the in the dream space Oh, uh rock Hudson. Really? Yeah I asked him if he had any other secrets. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know who I talked to is betty white now stay with me Uh She's actually been a hologram for the past couple shit. Yeah, I know Yeah, because human beings can't be that sexy

shaky Here's a here's here's a fact. Uh, this is a stone fact If you search for eHow moderately challenging to try to find other tasks that are of the same difficulty level Yeah, here are the top three How to become a journalist. Yep. How to become a screenplay consultant And how to overcome an octopus phobia But aren't those three things basically the same I ran a screenplay about the news story about how I overcame my fear of octopi

Guys pod listen I'm a journalist. That's my job I can talk to dead people in dreams and I know a shit ton about screenplays and their submission I am scared fuckless of cephalopods Get him out of here Can't overcome it. You'd think you'd think my my skill level of moderately challenging would enable me to To overcome that but I can't even play with nerf guns because those suction tips remind me of the the cold Slimy feelers of a cephalopod that just wants to drag me down to the briny deep

Man, I uh, oh eHow Maybe maybe that's a new vein for us to tap. I don't know maybe Well, everybody keep your keep your eyes out on that. I have a problem when it comes to girls Seems I lose interest after I get a girl to like me It's almost as if I'm addicted to the thrill of the chase Uh, this really sucks because I've missed out on being with some really nice girls any advice. That's from form spring You're gay. No way Hold on now. Wait, what if he's gay?

What if he dislikes winning girls over and then he realizes like I'm not that into it because I'm a little I'm kind of gay. Maybe is that possible? I think it's I mean anything's possible in this big I'm fucking storyboarding this one griffin. I'm just asking you if it's possible I I think you're waterboarding this one I've known guys like you chase Is that his name? Yeah, and that is now. Yeah Chase is actually what he was doing. He had the thrill of um, but if we can just call him chase No, and then he could refer to himself as the thrill of the chase lady

Are you really ready to experience the thrill of the chase for the next three to four days of your life? We have to have at least one listener named chase and if that's if that's your name Congratulations, we just gave you the best pickup line ever. Yeah I would say that anyone who like The way you describe this whole situation granted is three short sentences But you say like you missed out on being with some really nice girls and you're just interested in through the chase Doesn't sound like you're really interested in these girls. You're interested in their interest in you Um, so maybe you need to slow your role and be a little bit more choosy about the the women that you pursue

And not just you know go for yeah, I think that maybe you need to take a break from that whole situation like maybe Maybe you need to take a break from uh chase listen Chase listen come kick it with me in my lady siesta Now there's a there's definitely a um a point at which That sort of falls off. Do you think like okay? I'm not gonna do that anymore. Yeah sure your lady siesta turns into like a lady lady lady coma a lady shipwrecked of marooned on an island by herself With no survival skills and and no hatchet with which to fashion

your Man, you guys remember that book hatchet I'm trying to change into subject, but are you guys ever read hatchet by what's his name paul rubens rubens? Hatchet the story of how I chopped up charles peltson riley An erotic adventure a goosebumps classic He actually used a credit card survival tool to do yeah Gary but you know what was his name. He's a donor. So he's still going to heaven. Yep Uh, uh, so basically paul rubens killed charles peltsons. Is that the is that the supposition we're working under?

Yep, it's not a supposition. It's a 100 stone cold fact Oh, because because the live will worry. I got you uh Listen, we've had a lot of fun here today You always started with that what I mean people know how much fun they're having that I find I don't really enjoy things unless people tell me that I'm enjoying you're having a great time right now That's how I learned how to eat kale Uh, people just told me like this is delicious and I eventually I bought it because I'm a sucker that way

Hey, and if you're a sucker, why not give us some of your money now? We have we've talked to you about the amazing 35 dollar donation level for maximum fun You're helping all these great shows and and you're you're helping us out Um, what we what we haven't really hit home yet, and it's it's what I really want to want to hit home Uh, uh, this this break is that we need you guys For us to look good. We need you to Uh, donate and tell them that you're a max fun. You're you're an mbnbam listener Because we want to bring you guys into the fold. We want to end this we want our new

Our new overlords our new family To to think that we're a valuable contributing member of the team So we need you listen. We're we're relying on you. This is our first year on maximum fun It's also just John Hanshman's first year on maximum fun and he's like Wicked famous he was on battle start galactica. I don't know if you guys know that Uh, he was kind of on battle start galactica and you know, I wasn't I don't know if you guys were I have seen battle I was but they cut the scene That's this fucking industry, man

Man, I know Anyway cast about right. It's both our first years The pressure is kind of high for both of us We need to crush him. We want to take him apart. He was super nice and and gave us a A question a real sweetheart. He was a real sweetheart and gave us a question for our donor's only episode But we want to destroy we want to destroy him. Yeah, we want to disembowel him We want to make him tear up Now if you if you want to make it like if you want to make it count if you want to go deep

You want to say like I want to crush John Hodgman in an authoritative way Not liking that the wimpy way that some of these other people you can get you can get hectic on it We have three other donation levels for $50 a month. You're going to be part of the thorn family Blondie brigade you okay jesse and Teresa thorn Sweethearts uh future parents Will bake you a homey batch of their signature blondies and fedx them to your door What can you imagine how delicious that tastes you know it tastes like generosity Maybe throw them in the microwave first to get them soft and moist again or are these I I've heard story

I've heard tell of of the thorns cooking prowess. Do you think they've discovered some sort of? ever gooey some sort of ever gooey You know formula they probably just don't call them ever gooey blondies because it's the worst The grossest thing you could say but for you're also going to get the uh the nerd emergency kit Which is amazing as we've already covered You're going to get a usb drive with all our shows you're going to get the the etan self-powered

am fm weather radio that's part of that never emergency kit you're going to get role models by john waters You're going to get an uh eco bags tote bag with a my brother my brother and me Uh really cool art emblazoned on it. It's probably a maximum fun.org right now if you want to go look at it We'll tweet it and stuff like that, but it's a great. Justin Russo design. He really outdid himself It's also worth mentioning that these blondies they have a half life of 65 years So they're gonna they're gonna go with you into the apocalypse with the nerd emergency kit and and they'll they're rich in nutrients And flavor so they'll they'll sustain you for and if you're if you're rich in nutrients And also money

You can be one of jesse's golden eagles for a hundred dollars a month That will net you all the things we've talked about before plus homemade blondie delivery, nerd emergency kit max fun drive tote bag max fun pack with the stickers exclusive access to all these episodes and an invitation to the max fun dinner Which is a special dinner the night before max fun con with staff performers and friends of max fun con if you can't make it jesse will personally take you to lunch when you're in la Uh, so go to la jesse. I'll take you lunch. It'll be a lot of fun for $200 a month. That's the biggie That's the big guy jordan's platinum angels free registration at the next max fun con god damn

Oh, yep Come to the dinner gonna get the blondies nerd emergency kit usb drive tote bag max fun pack exclusive x episode To all the podcasts. I know that not everybody is going to be able to give $200 a month Like I I wish I had $200 a month to to donate. I don't but if you have been with us over this past year You've enjoyed the show And you're looking for a way to to support us in what we're doing and support some of the great max fun shows I think if you can't do You know, you can't maybe do

$200 maybe you can do 50 maybe you can do 35 and get that that amazing Nerd emergency kit $20 a month, you know the diamond friendship circle Just think about what the kind of entertainment you're getting from from our show and the other shows and and what it's What it's been worth to you. Justin. May I say something? No. Yes Okay People oh shit It's about to get real. This is gonna be real. I'm always straight up with you. I I can't lie I love you. Oh man. Yeah, there it is. I said it. I love you. Are you in love with them? And if you

I'm I may be I may be they're pretty wonderful people too soon. It's and as I look out upon you people Imaginarily in front of me. I see some beautiful faces out there. I see some average faces, but no ugly faces. So good work Art and I would like to look each one of you in the eye in my imagination and say the bills come do You Some of this money goes to pay the staff of maximum fun, which does include your friends at my brother my brother and me Last night I put I put on a suit and I went and ate a steak

And I brought a flask of whiskey And filled a poured out half of my diet coke and filled the rest up with whiskey This sounds like a classy evening. What would be a possible drive angry 3d? Oh like that's what I do with my money You don't want to support that. Fuck you. Justin. I think I think you meant to say drive angry shot in 3d drive angry comma shot in 3d That's what that's what we're doing with your and I need your cash to do that It doesn't pay Nicholas cage doesn't pay himself. This is the ecosystem. You're supporting here. It's not just me

It's not just about us It's about the family. Do you know how much it costs to maintain my collection of baby ducks? Why would you Jesus Christ? He has to he has to kill him first of all when they turn one Yeah, thanks. That's what I'm saying and then to replenish Like it's a constant stream of baby ducks and baby duck corpses out one door. It's terrible I'm gonna tell you the most exciting part. Ooh if you flash Your maximum fun membership card at any of us that comes in the max fun pack that is at any donation level

You are owed a hug from Any of the three of us all three of us however you want to break it down We'll give you a hug if we're all three there. Yeah, we can do like a triangle hug if all three of us are present Yeah, there's no touching. We just we cover you in our energies Yeah, just get our energy get our chakras up in you Uh, but if you flash your card you we will give you a hug the best fucking also you you earn the right Like the massive massive

Twitter bragging rights You get to go on twitter and lord it over every other my brother my brother and me fan that you have donated and they have not Make sure you do make sure you flaunt it because we want to know who the real The real heroes are the real special people and and i'm sure we'll be retweeting Those as people donate and and and and helping to spread the word there And and if you know a buddy has a donated get on him say hey jerk. Hey dummy jerk wad. Hey stupid drunk pump Hey chug pump. How about how about putting up some dough? Just go to maximumfun.org right now Don't wait slash donate slash donate

And Pledge pledge what you can and you have no idea how much We we appreciate it. It really means a lot to us and you're gonna get some really cool Some really cool gifts. I actually asked Ask jesse if it's okay if I if or if it's weird if I donate because I want the I want the What's about and I want to try his blondies. What's so weird about that? She doesn't weird about it. I mean when I said I want a membership card so that I can finally get a hug from my brothers

Um one one more thing um One of the coolest parts about us joining maximum fun or for for me one of the coolest things that happened was uh When when we joined up and a lot of people in the maximum fun community said this is so awesome Because I already listened to this show Before joining the maximum fun and this is just kind of a reaffirmation that that maximum fun knows Knows what I like knows how I do Um and and to those people and the people who are already maximum fun donors like Thank you a fuck ton. Thank you so very very much. Um

Maybe you want to bump it up this year. I've seen a few people on the forum talking about you know kicking it up to notches unknown Um, well, I guess the notches They're pretty well established But but yeah, if you if you want to do that that would be you know, absolutely incredible because our family is getting bigger You know, we got more responsibilities both figuratively. Yeah, all you got to do we can wait. We won't be funny for the next 30 seconds As you go to maximumfun Dot org. That's the site maximumfun dot org and click

You see a button there that says donate or you can just skip it skip the rigmarole go to maximumfun.org forward slash donate and uh, and and make sure you tell when we sent you um, and and seriously It means so much to us. Also. If you have an old donation in the paypal system uh, go to that page too so you can uh So you can get a new You know get on this new system and and email Teresa maximumfun.org and she can get rid of your old and email paypal a picture of you

Just farting like farting out of your phone and say this is you Yeah, but have an arrow pointing to your fart and have it say this is you paypal because paypal is a fart You're really turning this from like a pledge show into like an anti Paypal show feel like paypal banned my account and that's true Paypal wants to ban my account because I bought some pokemon cards Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I sold some pokemon cards, uh, and I didn't pay like the ebay fee or whatever because that's some bullshit I'm not gonna pay ebay to sell my shit. Uh, and they they should put my account right down There's a hologram blastoise in there

I'm just letting you go. I'm going to have a holofoil blastoise Make a holofoil blastoise. Listen all my pokemon cards are gone. I need a new sorts of income Please donate, uh, please donate. Uh, hey guys, I live in new england with my super hot wife I was just offered a great job in southern california. So Cal He doesn't say that I said that but my wife just needs to stay here in new england to finish two more years of law school We think we're gonna do the long-distance thing until she can join me out west We'll have the means to fly back and forth for school between breaks and vacays So it doesn't seem like it'll be that bad

Even so most people tell us we're making a mistake. We're on our late 20s. We've been married for about eight months Is this a very terrible idea tim? Is it fucked up that like in my mind You there's no such thing as a long-distance married relationship That seems like it's just married. Yeah, you're just like married Yeah, yeah, I think that this is totally doable. I mean it's totally workable. Is it a mistake? Like I don't I don't I mean it will probably be A stress on your relationship. Yeah, it's gonna suck. It's gonna suck. Yeah But it doesn't sound like it's really like a choice. She's in law school and you got offered a job

It's not like one of you is like I'm gonna go check out what it's like on the other coast like You're in a situation in life that dictates that you may need to be a part for a little while You're eventually going to be back together. So it's not like a permanent sucky thing You just got to put up with it for a year or two. There is a problem Have you seen the ladies in southern california? If you see those so cal Hanis those so cal shawties They all look like katie parry They all all of them look like katie parry. It's it's like an invasion of the body snatchers thing going on down there

Yeah, it's weird There it's I mean, I've only I've never have I been to southern california. That's like that's like la right? Is that southern california? Does that count fundamentally? Yeah, um It's so just so many shows. I don't know. I've watched a lot of oc A lot of banging news a lot of bills too much. I see some people say I somewhat him has a rock solid will I think he's gonna be all right Can I can I tell you guys the truth? What can I disagree with you guys? I'm gonna disagree with you guys and this is me stepping away from justin

Giving you advice for what's best for your life and this is just my honest Like from the heart. This is this is the case I don't I don't think you should move away from your wife for two years. I I mean I understand your career and I understand that I understand that's important And maybe this is like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity And and you're and you're gonna And and it's totally worth this but you've been married for eight months and the these first couple years are some of the best

like in terms of learning about each other and kind of forging your relationship and growing as a couple and You're gonna you're gonna miss out on those. I mean it you're gonna You're you're gonna miss out on some stuff and maybe this job is like so worth it and it's and you know, you need to do it it's like going to You know America from the old country to try to build a life from your family If there's that sort of situation and this is a question of necessity

I get it But if you're on the run from religious persecution Yeah, exactly then. Yeah, sure. I get it Justin it sounds like you're saying the answer to this question is it's time to do a lot of soul searching Yeah, I really think and I'm not saying like so you guys should break up like that because you're married and that's not really an option But I mean really think about why you're not in my religion I Really think about why you're doing it because you love this girl and you guys just got married and you are

And I'm not saying it's going to jeopardize your relationship I'm just saying you're gonna miss out a lot on a lot and and I know with technology and stuff It can be very tempting to say well, well, you know, we'll Skype every night and I'll just tweet and that's probably true I'll just I'll get out of her on form spring Ask her anonymous questions about what she did that day But I I don't know really think about it Tim. I think it'll be I think you'll you'll make it but I You love this girl and you just got married your newlyweds and and that's a great period and I and I hate for you to miss out on it That's just me that's not advice Justin. That's just from the heart Justin

Yeah, if it's from the heart Travis, I I wouldn't do it either But if you're dead set on doing it advice Travis says do it, but it's gonna suck Your wife is your wife is super hot That's all I got Just thought I'd comment on it. Your wife is super hot. That's gotta that's gotta put Put some, you know, English on the ball, right? Little English little English on that ball because your wife's super hot So maybe don't leave her for two years because you're gonna go to SoCal where all the honey bunnies are smoking piping hot

Don't touch that plate's hot Also, so's your wife and she lives in New England and she's gonna have all kinds of Tom Brady's gonna come up to her and Try and throw a touchdown on your wife. Yeah You know how guys You gotta be careful because Tom Brady will scoop up your wife and you're gonna scoop up You know all the marises and some of us you can handle just be just don't do it You don't want listen, you're gonna she's gonna be in New England

We really turned around some guy in overalls is gonna come up to her and be like How you want to go to the old butternut tree? I you want to have a go have a smooch and there's a norisa blowing Some founding father come check out my orchard some founding father is gonna sign some parliamentary actions on her on dad ass Yeah, I'm just don't do it not work Tim we've flipped someone's gonna Someone's gonna crack her Liberty Bell And that's in New England, right? What dog? Where do you think New England is?

It's like you're making me so mad. It's like your referencing Philadelphia. I don't understand why isn't it? What is is Philly not part of New England? No, no dog. No, it's always seem sort of ambiguous to me It has it to you. It's like Once you get north up and there's trees and shit you you made it Can I just say Griffin chances are that it seems ambiguous to you, but to the rest of the population It's probably pretty clear. Yeah, probably like I'm almost certain There's a set amount of states that exist within New England now Tom Brady. He plays for the New England Patriots, right?

Yes, right that that one was good. That's why we were all kind of laughing and playing along That was like listen that like makes a sort of fucking sense. Listen everyone who's listening Let's keep continue to listen. We need to buy Griffin. I I gotta go to some fucking night classes. I need to get my random McNally on Really serious over here It's you know, they say that uh ignorance isn't a problem unless it interferes with your broadcasting And this is seriously getting to be I made two jokes that didn't make a goddamn lick of sense Gryffin was like Gryffin was like and then go to Go to see uh the rush more. We're a sale of a rush more. I don't know. Please help me. You guys want to hit up an Indian reservation?

Just uh uh tim in closing Don't do it. That's that's me. That's where I'm at seriously. I and it's not because like I think you guys will wreck your relationship I just think you're gonna miss a lot and I don't think you should do it, but if you do do it Um, I'm sure it'll be fine and you'll get through it. I just I hate for you to miss out I hate for tom brady to Scoop your scoop your snoop. I hate for your snoot to be scooped by tom brady as they say I'm gonna get a t-shirt that my my snoot dumb and scooped by tom brady's footballer popular footballer tom brady

known leather head That's what they call footballers Yeah, that's good to see now. You're back on you're just 50 years in the past. Maybe a hundred Uh, so do you want to move on to our our last question? We want to wrap this wrap this production up Uh, I before we do that real quick because you guys have been Uh, so indulgent to listen to our our uh, our um Our requests for your help Are pleading if you will, uh

My brother my brother and me is the name of this podcast nbmbam.com is our website You can go there and you'll find our email address. Uh there it's nbmbam at maximumfund.org Uh, you can also find us on form spring it's form spring.com forward slash There's a form spring dot me forward slash my brother my brother me or mbbm. Is that right? Uh form spring dot me forward slash mbmbam Uh, we'd love to see on twitter Quotes things like that, you know, just encouraging people to listen

You guys have helped us spread the show Uh, so much and and the only reason we are still doing this is because of the great reactions from From you all Speaking of speaking of twitter if you if you do donate, uh, let us know on twitter. There's listen. I i'm i'm I'm usually not down with those people who are like, I just gave you know 25 bucks to save the children like fuck those guys But this is way better than children a hundred times better than save the children if you donate let us know on twitter and we'll uh

You know, we'll shout you back. We'll say thanks. Thanks for your love and support. Would you like a foot massage? Is that something that you'd be into? Would you like some ever gooey blondies? We will ever goo your blondies And and uh Please if you if you can if you are at all able to and I like to think that everybody is Uh, if not, why are you spending so much time listening to podcasts? I'm tearing you to job get a j o b $35 a month $15 a month $10 a month $20 a month five two whatever you can give

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