My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 45: The Loom

Episode Date: March 7, 2011

It's part two of our two-part, extra-super-long, unreasonably-and-needlessly-hyphenated MaxFunDrive special. Come, join us as we share all the wisdom we have left in our bodies. Just kidding! Our advice glands are as productive as ever. These bad boys are just ripe for the draining. Suggested talking points: Ol' Bub, Slaughterhouse Saturdays, Bible.com, The Crimson Tide, Pizzacrime, A Broken Hat, G'Day, Bus-Guy, A Goofus, The Permanent Wink, Sexy Proposal Time

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Charlie Sheen Reference You can do better than that. Everybody else is doing it. Something about a warlock. I would like to change the title of our show, and I've been thinking about this really hard, to sheen intervention. What do we do? What do we do in a sheen intervention?

Basically, we cry out to Charlie Sheen and tell him how his lifestyle is hurting us personally. Yeah, I don't care if you destroy yourself with drugs, Charlie. Just stop saying such cool things that my brother and my brother meet in a device show from the modern era. Can't keep up. Do you know my favorite thing about the Charlie Sheen psychabilly freak out that's going on right now? My very favorite thing about it is that he's finally openly talking about how he wants to make major league three, but it's like, dawg, they already made major league three and it has Scott Bakula in it, but I guess he doesn't accept major league three. That's not canon. It's not canonical.

Like, sorry, Bakula. I worry about how this is affecting that fat little kid. You mean I'm not a major league fan, so I'm going to take your word that there's a fat little kid. By the way, guys, that scene in being John Malkovich is like triply awesome now. How great is that scene where he's hanging out with Charlie Sheen? Now that movie is even crazier, as if. You think that's when it flipped? That's when it flipped. Now it's even like it's like triple. Hi, we're my brother, my brother, me. It's an advice show for the modern era. I'm your host, Justin McElroy. I'm another host, Travis McElroy.

And I am yet another host, Griffin McElroy. So this is our fun drive? Is that our last fun drive show? Is that accurate? It is our final fun drive show. Yeah, the fun drive is ended. And now it's just a slog to Christmas. We have nothing left to say. What you can't see is I'm slowly loosening my tie and rolling up my sleeves and pushing a big broom to sweep up all the fun drive stuff. It's very sad. No, it goes on for another week.

Oh, shit. Why am I cleaning up? Don't clean up. Leave that streamer up. That took me forever. I have to get a ladder now. Thank you so much. But more on that later right now. Let's get right into the advising, the advice, the learning, the growing. Thank you, by the way, to those who have already given. It is hugely helpful to us and we love you more than we can, words can say. And for those about to give, salute you, salute you.

And those who never give, suck old bub. Get out of here, you joke thief. All right, great. Friend wants to be my roommate, but I would rather not room with him. What should I tell him? That's from Wobbly Orbit on Twitter. Suck old bub. Wobbly underscore. What's up, what griff?

Suck old bub. You tell him to suck old bub. I need to break that down. What are you saying exactly? I think it's a suck old bub. Suck old bub. Suck old bub. That's something our dad uses, hey. Not to us like in a grimy way.

No, God, no. Like you didn't finish your homework. Like what are you saying? Suck old bub. People who cut him off in the Kroger's parking lot, he would give him, break him off a piece of his mind. Yeah, he'd also tell me fair, yeah, he'd yell hat wearing geek a boy, hat wearing geek a boy, which I don't know.

Well, he was wearing a hat. To be fair, that gentleman was wearing a hat, and he had sort of a geek a boy aura about him. He was biting the heads off chickens. Your friend, they don't sound like a really dope friend because you don't want to room with them. So I would say like, if you had a stratosphere friends, they're in the, not in the upper stratosphere,

I would say they're in the lower sort of our earthbound stratosphere. So just tell them straight up, because if you heard his feelings, you don't seem to like him that much, right? I mean, does that make sense? I'm sitting here like racking my mind, trying to come up with a sentence, especially now that you've waited. Like he's brought it up and you said, let me think about it. Oh no, yeah.

Yeah, like you come back and go, listen, I thought about it and no, there's nothing worse than that situation you proposed. Like I can't come up with something to say that makes that not awkward. I mull it over in my mouth like a jawbreaker. And what I comes out with is just sour in the inside. This is bitter. This is not good. I have literally asked everyone I know

and everyone thinks you would be a terrible roommate. It's out of my hands now. It's in the hands of the people. That's it. Tell them you took a vote and the vote came out against him. And there's nothing to do about it. I took an American Idol style vote and everyone dialed the number that said not to live with you.

I think, I don't know, I think you can explain to him. I think that there's a really big difference between being a good friend and a good roommate. And you can just explain to him. Like I don't think that we would be, I don't think we'd be compatible roommates. I don't think we'd get along as roommates, but we can still be, you know, good friends.

I tell him that the only way to go is to say, listen, I really value our friendship. And I know that sometimes living with someone can affect that friendship and I don't want to risk that. That's great. That's just what I was going to say. Everybody, I know this room, but somebody has ended up hating him and you're too important to me to that.

Yeah, make sure you say it in the gayest way possible too. Just like you're so important to me in my life. Like you really love him so much. And then give him a suckle bub. Just to put a little bow on it. A little rivet in that one. My best friend wants to experiment and try meeting some men. There's a great gay club up the street from me

and I want to take him there to help him out. Do things. I'm straight and I've never been a wingman before. An orientation isn't really a problem. Been there a few times with my girlfriend, had a great time. What I need is some advice on how to be a great wingman. There are some rules, as you know, no matter what the situation or does the scenario require something more specific.

That's from trying to help in Jersey. I think the rules for being a great wingman are universal no matter what the situation is and they're pretty simple. Like in my opinion, the main job of a wingman is to be interesting enough but not more interesting than the person you're wingmanning for. Like you are a facilitator of the conversation for that friend. Have either of you ever wingmanned and A,

ever tried, B, ever been successful? On wingman? I was once or twice in college. I'm not very good at it because I'm very competitive when it comes to like being interesting. You're just so awesome that everyone wants you. You know Griffin, I'm not going to say no to that. If this listener's experience turns out anything like the ones

that I've been a wingman, this might conclude with him making out in the bathroom with a fat guy. I think you need to prepare yourself sort of mentally and spiritually for that very real, very frightening possibility. What am I doing? This isn't worth it. What steps did I take to get here? I have another sort of angle that you need to consider on this.

You're a wingman leading gay men into a trap of a dude that may or may not be gay. This is like honey trap. This is my friend, oh you bet it is. This is my friend Greg. He thinks he might like the dudes but he's not sure. You ready? You're ultimately trying to provide evidence for him.

You're basically a... He's got a hypothesis that you're testing. You're a bailiff in the court of love and you need to... You're trying to swing your friend one way or the other with as much sweet gay meat as you can procure. That's your job. Do you want to show the termines to focus on quantity and not quality at this point?

Oh well, I mean you can do both. Yeah, especially if it's a cool gay club. I bet there's all kinds of fine fine man meat there. Oh it's like a fine man meat buffet. It's like a golden corral of gay clubs. It's like a Shoney's breakfast of sweet gay dudes. It's like a slaughterhouse. Whoa.

I just went off meat like of all the meat shanks that are my area. Come on down to the slaughterhouse. Anything goes. We'll punch your meat like in Rocky. Hey come on down to anything goes. Slaughterhouse Saturdays. God damn it. Why haven't I opened up my own gay bar yet?

Why haven't you opened up all the gay bars? I would change the name every week. You know what I would love? I would love to open a gay club called Some Things Go. It's the most restrained gay club. Almost anything goes. You want to go down to... You want to go down to Some Things Go?

Oh it's not that anymore. Now it's called the Thirsty Snake. Make your way down. Right the snake. I got a few. Got a handful. I'm sorry that's rhetorical. Like I know you probably came prepared.

I did. I came correct and I came prepared. How about this one? This is going to open up an interesting dialogue. This one was sent in by Ateana Kuriyama. Thank you Ateana. It's by Yahoo Answers user Edetwee who asks should the bible be updated with online etiquette?

What? It's all we get. Well we know how often the bible is updated for things like radio etiquette and tv etiquette and moving pictures etiquette. So yes of course it should. Okay so now we know we're travestons. That's not lol with a man. That's not lols with a woman.

Am I the only one? That's not why I'd laugh at mean cats. The three out of the three of us who thinks it definitely definitely should be updated with online etiquette because everything that happens now anything that happens is worth mentioning happens on cyberspace. And Jesus spake Judas thou shalt betray me and Judas spake WTF. What's the story? I will say this.

I think that I would only get behind this if they would make a few verses in there where if you if you don't use punctuation Satan himself would come up and drag you down the hell. Sure. He would come and swallow you up whole. Can we get that verse now? Read bee dogs once a day. We can squeeze that into Leviticus along with all the other sort of some of the wackier laws. Zanier.

Some of the zanier. Bible's already pretty zanier. I bet you could slip in some online etiquette and and and and not have too many. The thing is we would need to come up when we need to come up because obviously the internet wasn't around in the day of of Jesus. So what what we would have to come up with a sort of archaic terminology for the internet that that people could read and sort of translate in the mean oh oh that by this they they foresaw the internet this is how this applies do you know what I'm saying like it would have to be like

the like what like a loom like the loom oh my god if we start calling the internet the loom I will be on it way more because that's that's a cool metaphor right there just you know what my strings of pornography and connecting anonymous strangers so it would say while whilst thou looms don't um do not thou shalt not whilst looming um thou shalt not forward emails about obama destroyed the world's food reserves nonnie exactly we're talking to you specifically and moses presented to his people the ten commandments and they did respond TLDR can we boil those down to five maybe I I spend I I don't I don't get out much in the meat space most of my time is is online um my online presence is strong

I think that it would be nice to have some some rules that we could teach to youngsters something with some um you know some celestial might behind it like if you if you um send someone a picture of your dick online then then there's going to be some retribution some holy holy retribution uh let's let's let's reconnect here like an unrequested picture of your dick right yeah like I want it I think you'd be at a blessing I would think I think that it's time for the bible to be updated is what I'm saying hey bible get over the times maybe um what will we call it the new gocker version would be good this is the new what are you reading oh it's the new gocker version of the bible yeah it's gotta it's gotta scroll bar on the side that everybody really hates but

so listen this week we mentioned it before is is uh is max fun drive uh well I guess I think it's like a uh and it's not a week it's a an event it's like a festival extravaganza the two week festival uh we are trying to get new supporters for the max fun network and and a lot of people wonder well what does that mean well basically it means you make a small donation as much as you could feel comfortable forwarding anywhere from we have donations starting at two all the way up to uh $200 we have some great you know prizes prizes like you know those are good I like prizes because it makes you feel like you've won something you've won something makes you feel like you're on bozo's game show at the cheapest levels I mean at every level even the cheapest

you get uh some max fun stickers you get a max fun membership card uh you get uh access to bonus shows that we recorded stop podcast you're not recorded uh Jordan jesse go recorded one and uh believe there's a judge on hodgeman there is a bonus episode and there's three videos the sort of like old timey videos that we rift over ours is called dating do's and don'ts and it contains basically any any information you would ever need to um secure the affection of of a significant other it's all right there it's all right there and um and then as you go up you get at ten dollars we got a tote bag for you that you will love make sure you choose the right tote bag um and those tote bags are provided uh by eco bags thank you very much

you fucking chill get it together Travis this is about tote bags no about corporations yeah the eco bag folks are very very kind uh to to hook those up for us um as you go out twenty dollars there's a cool win usb drive that has as much shows on it uh thirty five dollars is my personal favorite it's a judge on hodgeman a post-pocalypse justice squad is that right have i have you did it's ingrained in your mind it's in ingrained moment you get a butt like a boatload of stuff uh all the the tote bags and all that stuff but uh like uh uh the etan am fm radio uh the it's like a full like nerd emergency kit yeah it is full on it's called a nerd emergency kit which is boom boom shaka laka uh and and it goes up from there and and the money

that you give and i think maybe we didn't make this super clear for people last week the money that you give uh goes to the maximum fund network and then the maximum fund network then in turn pays the people who make the shows so when you give to us and uh when you give the max fund network you're saying i want to support jordan jesse go and judge on hodgeman and uh my brother my brother me and then that money goes back to us and we use it to uh we buy equipment for the show we buy we uh pay for hosting for the show because we have a lot more people downloading it now and we get pretty uh tough in the future like i know that we've had people that have asked about you know live shows and convention appearances and stuff like that that kind of thing is now a

possibility because of our joining the max fund network these are things that we're hoping to do in the future with support from listeners like you right they've really helped us to grow and to get the word the message out to more people which i know is what you want i know that deep down that's that's that's what you you want everybody to be you don't want anybody to miss out on the on the experience the teachings i i would say that you have had so if you can and if you're comfortable doing it if you're not and you can't afford it i get it i do i honestly i mean we have and we love you just the same we'll never stop loving you um but but if you can do something uh go to http you gotta include that htp forward slash forward slash

www dot maximum fund dot org forward slash donate and uh you can give there and you will feel better about it and as if to add uh make it more tantalizing jesse our boss has drawn a boner-shaped thermometer quite accidentally i think but he did actually like he did will the thermo boner into existence but as you give it just fills up so your generosity is just broken it like i want to see it get full we've gotten a ton of um of one-time donations and those are awesome uh but we're we're we're shooting for 1200 uh donors and for those those are the the monthly total so uh yeah anything you can give also monthly donors we have uh we have challenge donors as well so every new monthly donor we get the challenge donors chip in an extra

five dollars 66 and a half cents which is still just such a ridiculous number um so so any amount you give us a monthly donor we get that extra that extra bonus too so you know just think about that because because that the the monthly donors would keep max fun afloat and and help us reach that that's the sweet sweet tip of the thermo boner also you know people said that i only listen to you guys and i'm not interested in max fun you know supporting the whole network first off they've been a huge help to us second off uh you should go listen to all the shows third off when you say that we are your favorite show when you donate uh that that helps us out a lot um that that first i mean for for nothing else other than pride at the very least then because i want to

crush everybody else i want them to know our names i guess is what i'm saying i want them to be ashamed of their poor ass fans i want to quiver i want to quiver at your riches god my brother my brother me they are rich they've got some rich fans i'm afraid i got some Scrooge mcduck action going on plus if all of you give and you say that my brother your brother made your favorite show we can go back to jesse be like hey man what's up with that cheddar let's get see if we can't maybe next time you cut a little bit off for your boys maybe you use the bigger knife if you know what i mean yeah get slide a little more co i in our way we are trying to drown in velvita over here some of us are trying to get so cheesy and we just need i would say dangerously cheesy

help make some macaroy nachos and just how about some macaroy and cheese if you don't mind notch bros notch bros notch bros cheesing it up so anyway we we've we've taken enough of your valuable time but if you can uh maximumfund.org for such donate thank you uh that is our message to you um i am having a hard time saving money and spending it wisely ironically uh i'm 23 years old and already already money is a big obstacle in life do you guys have any tips or tricks for would be frugalite jake uh if you figured out please let me know send that memo around jake circulate that that knowledge i don't i don't get it guys what do you mean we've gotten this question before and i don't here's what you do jake if you're about to spend money on something

just don't do don't do it go do something else instead here's the problem and for me personally and i'm going to assume that jake is in the same boat i am the ebb and flow of money is like the tide where between paychecks as soon as i get paid it's like high tide and i'm so excited that i'm like yeah fucking i'm rich and like i'll go and that's when i buy groceries and then i go i pay my bills and then i go out drinking and then buy like two days before the next paycheck it's low tide and i'm so sad for two days and i can't do anything i can't even afford a cup of coffee but then it's paycheck time again and i'm so excited that i rush out and spend all my money and it's just it's kind of that hills and valleys hey scraps hey scraps yeah we know why that it's

fucked up like we need i think he's pretty well aware of how it feels to be shitty at this like well so i really but here's my advice the narration on that never stop pretending like you're broke because as soon as you get that high of like a paycheck you go and you spend it like yeah if you can save that like your sense memory like remember what it feels like that shitty feeling of like i can't do anything i am so broke right now if you can like capture that and hold on to it in a crystal maybe in like a talisman that you keep around your neck um travis can you can you give me um an analogy for what a crimson tide would be um a crimson tide is like when you become an assassin and all your money is from killing people through the blood just rolls into the blood

blood money i thought it would have something to do with when you don't have any money and also a bunch of poisonous krill uh somehow it's up in your krill humor a little something for everybody this week uh jake uh i like i've started using the internet a lot for this and i think i might have given this pro tip before but whatever uh defer your your gratification get in that habit you see you see something in the store that you want to buy just say to yourself like hey i bet it's cheaper on amazon and then by the time you get home you'll forget about it guaranteed every i know at least i know i do there's too much good stuff to to also it's really tempting like it's i find it personally hard to pay for the things i know i have to pay for and i instead want to buy the

things i want to buy and so if you get paid and immediately like pay your bills pay rent pay you know off credit cards anything like that like immediately don't wait and then whenever money is left over try to save that or try to use that money for fun things because if you spend your money on fun things first you're gonna spend your sweet bill money and you're not going to be able to pay for you know your car and stuff sell your teeth sell your teeth just sell those teeth there is you got beautiful teeth there uh you selling i could i talk you out of those teeth for i don't know cool hundo nice chompers want some cheddar my dearest my brother my brother me i found myself in a predicament i've never been in before i've fallen in love with someone several magnitudes

less intelligent than me i'm not going to laugh at this person i'm making this pledge to myself i'm not going to make cool jokes their expense i'm telling this myself this mantra before i read the rest of the question here we go we've been dating for five months and our relationship is absolutely wonderful however i'm afraid of using words you probably doesn't know or making references to things not found on the real housewives in fail of making your field them fuck you can this relationship actually work out thank you dumbfounded in indiana the follow-up question dear my brother my brother and me i've recently started dating a guy who thinks he's much much smarter than me he's a real dullard and an asshole but um oh shit man

oh man listen there's of course by default this is a problem that we can't help but enter into just because of our station i'm just gonna dip my toe in there yeah i love you so much you fucking dummy like how does that work out you you dullard i love you love you stupid now are you saying she's dull like she's dumb like she often runs into walls and you have to point it towards the door or like she just doesn't read the big fancy books you read he didn't say he didn't say several IQ points less he said several magnitudes less than the the light from his star would take a million years to get to her earth i think is what he's saying i i um i mean if she's let's get this out there if it's right and you know what i'm talking about if that's right

then a lot of this stuff will work it's what do you what do you mean what's right right you know i don't i'm a gentleman like that it's a gentleman's show front me is that front me to so right and so dope then a lot of these things will sort of pan out like it's like all that's a really fascinating story about um what gordon ramsey's into this week i'm gonna go ahead and bone you now is that cool can we can we skip to that i'm gonna bet that in any relationship there's always a balance and i'm going to bet that there is some way that she is massively better than you and it balances i'm betting she is supremely more attractive than you and you're supremely smarter you ugly fuck right there this is fun i like this question

well this question got a little mean but i think i think that we're just trying to bring you back down to reality uh listen to this we're several magnitudes smarter than you and we still let you listen to our show exactly think about that because we've been trained uh uh in the arts of wisdom for many many years so we know basically everything uh despite what bob ball our announcer would have you believe maybe she's street smart ooh i like that she's not there a lot of time on the street like you you like you lose your wallet and she says it ain't no thing i'll go shake down honey huggy bear yeah see what the word is see me with her from starsky and hutch no but the new starsky and hutch i'm 30 years old what do you want from me yeah it's for the

new one that's what i was right thank you dris that's what i'm talking about that you tell me who played huggy bear in the new starsky and hutch snooped off that'd be snooped all right well done well come on come on um this is my first time through a day oh um maybe if you hang out with her long enough she'll learn some shit yeah oh but it's possible dear sweet god do not approach it like i want a better year oh god no i know you're lucky to be dating me stupid i think we're we're planning on going to date how would you feel about a tutoring session instead the rain in spain falls mainly in the plains this is fun isn't this better than a movie i think it is well no sit back down we only have a few more hours left but oh it looks like you got a 62 on your test so no we

can't watch real housewives tonight sorry sweetie it's a it's a reward system um uh and and and i gotta adhere to it i think the absolute worst thing you can do um and just the thing that you should avoid doing no matter what is to um write into an an internet comedy program telling them how stupid your girlfriend is because i don't care how dumb she is she had too dumb to read the internet yahoo answers proves that out uh every single week yo griffin you won't want speaking of which i got a taste i said it i got a taste for it in my mouth uh this one was sent in by jacob blocker thank you jacob it's by jail by yahoo answers user jerry has lion king um congratulations jerry good work jerry job jerry i knew you'd afford it who asks what would happen if i knock out the pizza

guy what if i'm running low on cash but i'm really hungry what if three of my friends are at my house when he ordered pizza we have no cash and we call the pizza guy i'm wondering what would happen this is for all intents and purposes the perfect crime can we agree on that i don't think there's any way this goes wrong how was the pizza guy supposed to track him down with just his name telephone number and address and also like the pizza guy's gonna wake up from the ground and be like what just happened this mystery's never gonna get solved he also knows your pizza preferences too so it's probably can you describe him no but i can't tell you what kind of toppings he asked for on his pizza

can you describe the man who assaulted you um well this is his name and his phone number and his address and also he likes pineapples on his and he asked me to draw a wizard on the box he's a chovies and pet man so you can just look for people ordering chovies and pep on their pizza and uh and and just arrest them i want to know what kind of beef cake pizza guy you've got that you need three of your friends to take yeah waiting in the bushes one on top of the roof he'll never see it coming see what's what's disturbing is that if you ordered this pizza online um you could you could track it you could track who is delivering your pizza like you could get a name like that makes it more personal should have brought that pizza derrick punch

we're waiting for you derrick i hope you hope you get here quick is there any other i've always wondered if if you ordered a pizza from a dude and he looks a little dogged he looks a little tired what if you just invited him in it's like hey i'm not going to pay for this pizza but do you want to chill with us i like eat this pizza with us do you want to stop with it and then when he's really full you kill him and make a pizza out of him and then you eat that pizza then it's the perfect crime double you guys want to hear a true delivery story double pizza i i don't know travis you tell me um i i worked for a a i don't want to give the name so what to say a popular sandwich delivery restaurant um who might may or may not be known

for being freaky fast let's call it johnny jacks johnny jacks i worked for johnny jacks and it was around the corner from my friend trevor roses house and uh oh excuse me trevor david house and trevor david would call um during parties and order sandwiches so i could deliver a sandwich and take a shot and then go back to work because i was not able to attend the party good for you and so i would often deliver i don't know six or seven sandwiches a night back to that house all right living the life you want getting blitz to jimmy jacks johnny jacks please your older brother travis griffin there's your role model you just you've just by saying that on the internet you've been black bald you can never work at another johnny jacks ever again

you can never go back home time time out travis are you telling me that you work you're becoming a progressively drunker driver as then i went on no no no it was literally down the alley from the johnny jacks i would walk the sandwich there and walk back but you that drunkenness i don't know if you know how drunk works it stays with you for a while so if somebody did call in an order you'd be like guys i want to get i want to get your sloppy mess to you but i'm i'm fucked i messed up hey jimmy jacks can i get a let me just get a a salami grand slam um i thought can you what is on it dog please come here we make it i'm so fucked up where's the bread where do we keep it i that does make ordering a sandwich a lot more exciting though okay so there we go

hope that helps out my wife just realized that my favorite hat has the phone number of an ex-girlfriend inside the brim she did not buy it i did not have paper when i met her she did not buy it i did not have paper when i met her should i throw the hat away hey gmail i don't know you very well but i'm gonna play law of averages and say that if you're a man between while let's say 18 and 35 you should throw the hat away yeah you should probably not wear it what what was the thought process there i want to know the steps that got you from point a to point i'm gonna write on my hat if decapitated please call it just seems like there's so many there's so many options oh i know there's your hand first and foremost i'd rather have it written on my face

because i can wash my face yeah did the ex-girlfriend write it on the inside brim because if so that would be kind of a baller way of like i'm in you like you'll never forget this number wait when you say in like a bomb of the brim are you talking about like the flat bill of the hat you've written it or like inside the hat oh that's a good point because if it's on the brim and you go to a nascar event and you get sweaty then that number is going to be on you backwards backwards hey listen how bad are you at wives that you couldn't lie better than this uh-huh oh this is the number of the hat company it's a hat store this is the customer service number it's the hat store please we're trying to post for a family photo please hey hey lids um we need to have a talk about your

hat i'm having some problems with it i think it's low on coolant your hat is malfunctioning having a malfunctioning hat problem and luckily i wrote the number of your of your emporium of your haberdashery uh in just in case i needed to contact you about a defective product you don't tell her it's your girlfriend listener you should throw the hat away it's punishment that's your penance for being so stupid you own a hat with that someone has written on why haven't you already thrown it away listen we can lead we can lead you guys to water but you gotta lie to your wives for yourself we can only do so much for you i'm a native texan who recently relocated to melbourne australia for love and i'm at a linguistic crossroads uh people down here say mate all the time like

in the movies and i can't make myself do it i knew it i say man in the same way like hey thanks man and then really fly down under should i assimilate or should i shake them haters off linguistic blunder down under a name created by travis um right so i my experience with this is that if you live in another country for any sort of extended period of time you know like madonna you will eventually start to pick up some of their um what idiosyncrasies what's the what's the what's the length of time what is the appropriate length of time because i had friends in school who would go to a foreign country come back two weeks later and had completely reinvented themselves just a completely different person travel changes you know what you know what i'm

almost certain that is only a problem in america oh absolutely i'd be willing to bet that english people don't come to america for two weeks and come back going well howdy y'all like i promise that oh i bet they probably do it's america like i would want everybody to know what's the length of time though i'm gonna say anything less than two years and you're just being a dick well i i think that once you pass a certain age like if you're older than 22 you shouldn't like i live you you have formed your accent shouldn't change i lived in a terrible country with sydney for a month and i did come back really hungry i don't know if that counts um and all your t-shirts where we're told my t-shirts were like a rat from 1985 i think that i think

that you should soak it up i think you should say mate because i think everybody wants to say mate but um just if if i hear anyone say mate that is not from australia or the british aisles i get the strongest douche chills that i just want to fall to the ground and shake and control my friend maranda is from australia and she says like good day mate and stuff like that and it makes me i still roll my eyes at it because it's like come on you're in america you know i think that you can import that language i think you can export it if you've been there long enough but i just think it has to be authentic and it sounds like you have the opportunity to to make it authentic well let me tell you something i'll give you the same advice that i gave maranda i told maranda

the beauty that you get uh from being from a foreign country now an expat living in another country you can make up words and pretend like it's really common phrases in america and be like oh yeah we're just gonna go flibble the dooble and when they're like what i'm like oh sorry you guys don't have that here you know what i mean and like those are little things that you can do to make yourself happy and make everyone else think you're an asshole so many of my suggestions end up that way don't you have us basically runs an asshole charm school it's gonna go one way or the other have you guys noticed how many listeners we have in australia there's a lot right and they're all super attractive they all they all have like a crocodile dundee sex and yeah and there's they're

very tolerant of being compared to paul hogan well they think you have surprised you over all these you have to have thick skin uh i i'm coming to realize like a crocodile like a crocodile i'm coming to realize that i may be more into live music than any of my friends or at least the only one into it enough to pay a nonrefundable two hundred fifty dollars on a drunken whim to go to bonnery this year i know at least griffin is into music festivals but if any of you had advice on a first time attendee with seems like no backup i'd really appreciate it alternatively what is the best way to guilt convince my friends into going with me will g griffin who boy help this man i haven't gone to bonnery for two years i think last time i went was yeah 2009 i did this

is not important um what you need to realize is that you're not just spending two hundred and fifty dollars you're spending a week without shower which if i were to apply a sort of a monetary sum to that i would say that that like the the grief that you suffer is worth at least six hundred dollars like six hundred additional dollars um does that include like the shame of bathing in a fountain they don't even let you do that anymore oh jesus uh there is a fountain but you can't bring soap or shampoo into it um it's it's it's a it's an endurance sport depending on which one you go to like there there are some music festivals that are for instance there's pitchfork and here in chicago and lalapalooza here in chicago where i can just go to those and then come home and sleep

in my bed like those are awesome and everyone should definitely go you should go to bonnaroo too you just need to go ahead and realize that it's there's toils it's rough stuff because it's a hundred and ten 110 degrees all the time and there's nothing you can do like there's nowhere you can go to to seek respite from the and what i remember from griffin telling me is that to get in and get out like plan on a solid like half day of big traffic and then last time campsite last time i went and it took me 10 hours uh waiting in line to get in it was it was a nightmare i only have one bonnaroo pro tip to share with you um this is a frequent attendee uh don't be the guy who gets hit by the bus every year there's a guy and he's like i don't know if he's hanging out he's hanging out

he dropped some some opium and he's wondering through the through the sound garden and then what happens and then through the band sound garden he hangs out with the band sound garden and then he as they're leaving he's waving goodbye goodbye sound garden thank you for hanging out with me i dropped my opium bus like that that's once a year there's a guy who gets hit by a bus and you just can't just don't be that guy don't be bus guy and sure enough you're about a guy getting hit by a bus whoa fucking chill out like do whatever you're invincible every year just one every year a man does get hit by a bus and every year shortly after that news hit that ap newswire i would get a call from my dad just to make sure it wasn't me thanks dad and you're like hey you come on hey that's

actually i didn't stop going griffin stop going to bonnaroo because he knew his number was up were you the one who jumped in front of that bus you big dummy like no dad i have i got sense in my head first of all to get bonnaroo takes place on a giant campground to get to a place where buses are that's a journey that's a walk like that's that's a good couple of miles oh bonnaroo come for the music stay to see the herd thin if you're floating on if you're floating on oak if oak floats which is what i refer to taking opium you're not going to have the mental faculties required to find road um don't be dumb don't be dumb hey listen uh we uh want to say one last time before we we go into the final stretch of show one last thing though what i did get prostatitis

at bonnaroo okay real talk just watch your prostate because it's going to try and do some shitty shit it's going to try and catch it it's going to come at you from all sides um so that's that was worth i would say 25 thousand dollars just thank you in cost keep in mind okay in cost uh before we before we head into the final rush i didn't want to say thank you so much to the people who've already supported us this week during the maximum fun pledge drive uh we're we're our goal is 1200 new donors we have crossed 400 last night so we're we're on pace uh but we need you specifically you yes you uh sitting at home listening to this driving well not driving wait till you're where you're going but uh i just want to say thank you to people like dan stableton who gave uh our boss

and dear friend chris grant gave um element not only gave but convinced his dad who's only listened to one episode to give kind of big coup i would like to say a special thanks whoa because he he tried to come up with a question and he couldn't so he asked that we say this because he donated and i'm willing to give this to him hey scott and pocotello you're doing all right your kids love you and there's a lady out there who's itching to get down with you whoa all right scott chill out buddy and and in case you think he's not an og over on the the maximum fun dot org forums which you should go to and join up and come hang out there our boy mega jessup yeah he's a $50 a month donor he's basically rolling yeah he's getting those blondies made

specifically by jessie thorn and his lovely wife risa and along with the etan radio and the and the tote bad make made by eco bags and uh the stickers the membership card which guarantees you a free hug at any time from each of the three of us i actually i upped the ante on twitter did you i did and i i i promised spooning oh shit i'll spoon somebody five five minutes of spooning your choice you want to be a big spoon you'll be little spoon do you want to be middle spoon do you want to be two average three of us together we can do a four-way spoon oh my no we can't actually we will not do that full on silverware drawer on you we cannot do that thing that you just said but other things not that one though teaspoon tablespoon soup spoon secret spoon

that's us is it i don't know that that is don't you ever tell though uh listen also we want to say sunday which we won't get to talk to you again before then um sunday at nine to seven p.m. pacific so it's obviously try that again seven to nine p.m. what do i say you said nine to seven okay yeah it's a fucking all night jam now seven to nine p.m. of course it's 10 to 11 on a fuck it god sum up jesus just a bitch all right sunday march 13th okay from seven to nine p.m. pacific which is nine to 11 p.m. eastern star not even close dog still ain't got it dog 10 to midnight eastern star jesus pleases jesus christ that's going to be the max fun drive finale it's it's where it all comes to a head and there's going to be a jordan jesse go

live video stream and they're going to be giving away a bunch of crap there too and in addition to asking people for you know last minute donations like that scene in u h f uh there's going to be um there's going to be an xbox 360 being given away some games cool stuff like that so make sure you tune on tune into that and just go to maximum fun dot org also i want to just quick thanks to everybody on twitter um that has donated and like made a point of saying hey i donated and you should too we really appreciate um everybody challenging their friends and followers and everybody who's just brought any kind of attention to the max fun drive we really appreciate it and i'll try to keep up with you know retweeting those and giving you guys as much attention as i can uh thanks everybody

yeah if you if you donate don't be don't be shy go ahead and shout it out and talk about how you make everybody else feel bad and shut if your people don't give shut them just shut them turn your back shut them i don't know if our dad's given and he's shown and he's in the bonus episode oh we could tell you bonus episode has our dad has john hodgeman has jordan and jesse has uh brand has my friend brentel floss friend of law's from from his show um so so they're really from stop podcasting yourself they're in there oh my god it's a it's a jam packed so um again maximum fun dot org fort slash donate if you can we really really do appreciate you guys made seriously a great great showing from mbmbam but we want them to know how we do we want them to know

we're trying to bring the thunder some of us are trying to bring thunder over here but anyway thank you so much uh i i have a question i've been looking forward to asking you guys for for for a while now but i've been managed to restrain myself uh serious problemo in england that's not i what this problemo that's not english speak that's what they say uh uh serious problemo in england i recently impregnated my wife for the third time and she is now insisting that i closed down my baby factory by having the man's snip but i'm not sure i fancy that what are your thoughts and please help me dave in england dave i'm always certain that by man's snip you mean cutting off your penis and i can't get behind now he means a doctor with a degree

taking a scalpel cutting his wiener open and hurting it and hurting it in a no yes that's what he means like that's the no yeah that's the gag is that what he said hey dave listen straight up all your life from birth till now you have had one true friend who's always been with you and it's your wiener your wiener is there for you when your wife has not been 247 your wiener has been there to support you as much as he can i this is what you're gonna do to him i have to to to interject here and say that those few weeks when i got back from bonnaroo my wiener and i were not on speaking terms sometimes you and your friends quibble sometimes you gotta be with your friends sometimes griffin's friend dribbles there was some bad blood there literally literally what is

a what is a effect how does that work i've never understood of exact me is it just like you don't jizz anymore like what happens no your your vast your vast difference that um transports basically the the the seam the sperm into your semen is snipped and sewn on yeah so you're still shooting you're still you're shooting blanks basically so you got the powder but you don't have the lead surgery works like this they cut your wiener open and if you're lucky you die on the table you know what i think is even freakier it's like an it's like an outpatient procedure like you're in your out half hour you haven't even finished your copy of highlights before you're back out in the world with a cut up penis you're reading goofas and gallant while they're flaying your dick

like while they're playing ps if that's how they do you're a goof you won't find that in the magazine but i've been reading for a while you're a goof you're wrestling on your gallant doesn't let his dick get eviscerated like a fried hotdog goofas however cannot say the same gallant learns to wrap it up before his wife wants his wiener cut off hey gallant hey goofas maybe try like a condom if you i mean i don't know it's a one two punch Dave there are so many solutions for you to pursue before the old princeton pull out what's that oh the old classy classy pull out it's where you pull out while waving a banner for princeton you're wearing knee-high socks at the time curse local harvard men

in your fur jacket make sure you have a tiny pinot you dress like john fat job from rudie Dave don't do this thing this thing that you're saying don't do it it's it's just so scary it's just horrifying like i i will say though it's somebody who has been married for years if you do this thing this thing that she is saying to you you've won yep you've won the relationship forever yeah there's not a pretty big trump card that that would uh that wraps up every single hey you didn't leave the uh uh toilet seat down for me yeah i started looking at my dick scar and thinking about how i'm half a man so maybe you'll just put it down yourself do you want to rent the expendables or eat pray love i don't know let me consult with my ruined member

see and let's just see what he oh this just in expendables it's just the more you talk about the more i'm just getting sad for dave's wiener yeah who are dave's wiener that's he has no input in this um dave don't do it dave don't do it do it griffin says do it i don't know why griffin say that but i hear that it makes it it makes sex feel better after it oh like down downtown like down there yeah because nothing like numbing surgery to make something more pleasurable scar tissue uh so i want to hear griffin's last no sir no no you want more show i got something we got something as you know we've done flip the calendar over it's a whole new month fuck you know what that means oh god damn it i knew though i know i do know what this means

griffin it means it's time for us to to to take appreciation take some stock in our lives and share some wisdom for some march monthly observances oh geez now my alarm didn't go off this morning and i basically ran full throttle into this show and didn't have time to pick something out of this list so i'm gonna go down and uh i think we should focus all our attention on one but i need your guys help to help me pick that one so i'm just gonna name my favorite ones off this list and then we can choose the one that we want to share wisdom about got it bell peppers and broccoli month crunchy good exotic winter fruit and leeks and green onions month a lot of produce a lot of produce this month i'm not sure i know enough about them but i'm glad they can all hang out their own

month yeah um international expect success month okay there it is i like that international mirth month it's every month here my brother my brother and me um national cheerleading safety month i like that one it's dangerous national clean up your irs act month excuse me sure um let's hey mc hammer that's a god long enough i think this might actually be the winner national i donor month okay let's do it right now we don't need to go any further i'm going i don't know right nothing beats friends march march is national i donor month so think about it are your kids really looking at with both my brother my brother me look around see the flowers blooming and the children smiling well some people can't stingy give up one of them my brother my

brother and me that one didn't flow quite as well as you anticipated did it no how about this one uh you know that jessica album movie the eye where she gets the eye donation and then she sees demons and it really fucks her shit up that only happens like one out of every five eye donations so don't worry about it my brother my brother and me i only have eyes for you literally my brother my brother and me now again i don't think you're damn it now uh you're uh you want to be a cyclops my brother make um it um it's like uh there's nope um the air has just been sucked out of this room it's like taking your contacts out only like times a thousand there you go um see back on the horse eye patches uh-huh

what else are you going to do with all those it's like a permanent wink my brother my brother and um hey do you need do you need a tiny hole to hide a secret treasure map in we got you my brother my brother you know what you've been wanting to try for a while skull fucking my brother my brother and me maybe i'll get one of justin beavers my brother my brother i like the that i like that the idea is that everyone is trading one to the left you're pretty supposing there's some crazy eye swap going on just to come on that place is musical eyeballs and somebody ends up Helen killer at the end my new eyeball my new left eyeball is too big and now i look like Forrest Whitaker that's what happened to something happened to uh to peter lori at some point i guess

his is just trying to get away it's like one of those dogs in in every disney movie ever like mylo and otis that i was just trying to get home it's unrolling i like i like it um i i'm going down this list and there's also play the recorder month play the record i think we could have turned some comedy out of because people because people you thought that people were indifferent to you playing guitar in the quad well just just hold on one second play the recorder it's like a flute for bitches my brother my brother brother me um you're just tense the man zam fear is my brother zam fear reference yeah starsky and hutch and zam fear this week i think i'll take it how deep are those cuts there i'm going out to the boneyard gonna get some deep cuts uh so i i now i do

actually want to hear the last question uh but but first just real quick this is a big big deal right now where can people find it griffin this thing that that that we've created well now we've created we did the man has been created for us no well i mean we we were involved in what oh the comic yeah uh i'll put it up on the maximum fun dot dot org front page and you will see it there and uh it is a four page comic called my brother my brother me origins written by me and illustrated by uh our dear friend michael maney um you should follow him on twitter by the way it's m i c h a e l m a y n e you follow him he has a great comic called body last um and i i i'm not lying when i say that the comic is one of the greatest things i've ever seen it totally beats the shit out of anything

we've ever done which is kind of disappointing it kind of is depressing yeah but uh if you like it follow him tell everybody go get his comic body last um and because it is a it is a sort of a faux origin story i guess of of my brother a forage in story of how my brother my brother me got started um it's like i said he he did a lot of work on it and i think it's i even if i hadn't written it i would think it's really funny because i it is just objectively great uh and also you can go to fun mainly because of what he did i didn't really do that much but you can go to body last comic dot com and and see some more of his work um but but it's a super nice thing he did it's actually his idea we didn't have to badger him into it which is kind of nice

too uh this week you should come see us uh at packs east if you're going to head it out that way um i i think girlfriend i will both be at the joystick podcast live friday 7 30 um i forget i can't stress enough how much i will not be there hey the extent to which travis will not be there cannot be measured by traditional instruments i mean he will really not be there this would be a good time for you to come and tell us that you donated and come get your spoon on come get a spoon i'm gonna say hugs but griffin will be offering some spooning where are we laying down i don't know maybe on this ocean of sumo chairs that are all over the place god it's gonna be like a comfortable like it'll be like nirvana yeah and and uh of course one last time

before we go and think about this is the last time i've talked about this for a year if you guys step up and really just crush it it's the max fun pledge drive uh at the very least get in there make your your your five buck pledge and get your stickers and your membership card and your bonus content your free shows your free videos all that all that loot and walk with most importantly a a warm and toasty feeling inside of you because you helped to fill up the thermoboner a b help to support uh something you like uh as much as we hope you like us and um and or if you can't you can't get five bucks give more because come on step up get make it hurt all we want all we ask is that you take it to the limit just take it to the limit if you do thirty five dollars

you get a freaking amf m radio that charges itself like a like some sort of magic thing and charge your phone too it's incredible if you don't ask you this if you give a one-time donation of a million dollars i will have sex with you whoa you're welcome no no no welcome propose what's that movie indecent proposal sexy proposal sexy proposal time million bucks i'll fuck you i'll break you off a big deal dude or lady dude or lady you make any battery if it's a dude i'm gonna say 1.5 mil just because that would be a that would be a pretty significant change in my life i would constitute a pretty big sea change pretty crazy branch uh so in order for that to pan out i'm gonna need a little little extra cheddar a little extra velvita on them uh notch bros uh but for a

lady beautiful beautiful lady one mil for not so beautiful lady 1.2 we'll cut well okay what about a beautiful man beautiful man 1.2 sounds good hey i think we just learned a grimoire secret which is hot dudes and ugly women are the same biosphere uh as as long as you get in my mbm.com find all the ways to ask us questions uh thank you guys for your support and thanks for hanging out with us and we hope you appreciate the comic which is just sort of our little way of saying thanks for being here and thanks for thanks for uh being our friends still and um griffin last question uh this one was sent in by jake blocker as well thanks jake blocker it's by yaku answers user spanna who asks can baby see spirits

i'm just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy who's been my brother my brother me he's your dad school wear on the lips keep your heart three stacks keep your heart hey keep your heart three stacks keep your heart man these girls are smart these stacks these girls are smart play your part