My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 46: Todd 'N Tony Stew

Episode Date: March 15, 2011

On this week's episode, we take a short victory lap for the successes and triumphs of the Maximum Fun Drive. Actually, we don't take an actual lap, as we're all pretty out of shape, and that would make for some pretty bad radio. Just know that when we talk about Tyra Banks as a Street Fighter, we're doing so with victorious vim. Suggested talking points: Squatters' rights, Love me like Jerry, George Lopez: The Chair, Eeney-Meeney, Veggiefriends, Cool.com, Eyebraushes, The Power of Love, Bathtub Broth

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, heroes. Those who have followed us through the veil, through the void, and have come out on the other end as champions, you have completed the maximum fun drive for 2011, and we reached our goal with the help of you, and you, and you, and you, and you. But not that guy in the back. Fuck that guy.

God damn it, Tave. Just once, just once pitch in. Did you say, did you say Tave? Tave, my friend Tave. Is that short for Tavin? It's short for Tavian, actually. Tave Shun. It's like a- I'm actually, I can't be mad at that guy, that poor guy with that poor name. Listen, the English teacher at the community college isn't paying the bills like it used to, and Tave Shun just likes to listen to the show. Who can blame him? This is my brother, my brother meets at my show for the modern era. He's listening to us, so he knows how to improve his own situation, so he'll be fiscally in a position to help out.

Next year, when we call upon his aid. But let's not dwell on that. Let's dwell on right now when I am Justin McRoy, and I am Travis McRoy, and right now I am Griffin McRoy. For their foreseeable future, this is my brother, my brother, and me. So let's get right to the wisdom. So if I, a dude, goes into the bathroom and all the urinals are taken, socially acceptable in working order or otherwise, what am I supposed to do? Wait around for a urinal to become available? Go outside again and try later? Take a stall? If I take a stall, should I close and or lock the doors? Much obliged. Potentially harm. Why wouldn't you close the door? It's like you're sort of claiming that as your own,

as your property, you're staking your claim, and maybe you feel like you're not right to it. So you take a wide dominant stance. You're saying, hey, this is mine now. I mean, there's, if you'll forgive the pun, there's squatters rights that you have in a bathroom stall. If you post up in a bathroom stall, that's basically your apartment for the duration of your, once you're doocy. I think the moment there that you're afraid of, you're peeing in a bathroom stall, and then you walk out, and in the time that you were in the stall, all the urinals cleared out, you look like a douche when someone's waiting to poop. And also, everyone just thinks you're trying to hide your tiny dick.

Yeah. What's your shame? What's wrong with you? As you walk into the stall, announce, listen, this isn't because I have a tiny dick. This isn't a shame thing. All the urinals are taken. My dick's not even big. It's average. Listen, I have an average dick, but I need to... I really need to pee. Why don't you just wait it out? What's the rush? I think if somebody wants to shoot one, they will wait. They'll go around you. It's not a big deal. I used to be afraid of using the urinal, not because I have a tiny dick, but just because I don't... I just don't want anybody to see my dick. I'm like, that seems like a...

If there's any given point during my day that I were to highlight as most likely to get my dick seen, I would say that using the urinal is number one, maybe number two on that list. You run the risk of splash damage. Splash damage is bad, and also, I might see other dude sticks, and psychologically, that's even worse for me. I used to use the stall. I've gotten over that fear, but I'm sure there are other people who still suffer from it. To those people, I'm saying that you're completely within reason. You use the stall or just wait and use the bathroom at home like a normal person.

Like a human being. Let's throw a slap of motto on this bitch. Let's make it marketable. Yeah. Go your own way. Gotta get some rights. What about this? What about this? If there's no stall, you need to stall. Does that have some possibilities, you think? That definitely has some possibilities. I think no matter what, it's an intimate moment,

what you do in a bathroom. I can't think of an unintimate thing that one would normally do in a bathroom, and it's uncomfortable sharing that moment with other people, so just, you know, it sucks. You gotta get through it. But stalls, I think, are the best place to do it. Guys, I was lying in bed with, laying in bed with my girlfriend. Sorry, Griffin. And I asked her the age if you could have sex with anyone who would it be. Oh, the age old, if you could have sex with anyone. It's an age that you could have sex with.

What is the age of anyone you could have sex with? 18, by the way. Younger should be legal, still the prime, obviously. Her answer was XBF, or 50, because what's up? Her answer was her XBF, because it was so good and passionate. I got cranky, rolled over, and went to sleep. She's now angry at me, saying it doesn't mean anything, and it was no big deal help. Terry. Terry. Is Terry asking how to get over this girl that he just broke up with, because she said that thing?

This girl that he definitely, definitely just dumped. See, the answer to that question is supposed to be like Shakira or Natalie Portman. It's not supposed to be your friend Jeff. Not like Jeff, your fucking brother. Like, no. You're not allowed to do that. And note to guys, if your lady asks you this question, the answer is her. The answer is always her. Can I get you with red hair? Is that?

Can I get you minus, let's call it eight pounds? Like, I think right there, we get you in the sweet spot for me. You on a good day. Yeah, no, she she done fucked up, Terry. And might I say, Terry, as one man speaking to another, what a moment this is for you, because it's rare that girls fuck up this clearly. This obviously. Guys, all the time. Like, if we get this question from a girl, I think the, I don't think we'd be so,

it probably wouldn't be worth reading. Her answer was a one, two punch of fuck you. Because it like, it was so good. Like, number one, it was so good. Like, fuck, like, I can't fuck like that. Like, I can't fuck like Jerry. I can't fuck like Jerry. Like, I'm pretty good, but I'm not Jerry good.

Not only was it fucking good. It was passionate. Those are the two key elements to good, good fucking, because it's kind of, like, there's got to be technical ability behind it. Right. There's also going to be a little something. A little extra spice. Like, interpretive dance.

You got to know the craft, but the heart's got to be there. He was good at loving me. Jerry was. Back in the long, long ago. Terry, I don't know what to tell you, man. You done been wronged. You've been wronged. You need to be angry at her for the foreseeable future.

Yeah. Why the fuck is she angry at you? Why are you even, why are you even thinking about this? Jerry, Jerry, Terry, Terry, not Jerry. For the rest of your relationship, which I imagine will be about two weeks. Whenever you guys get into a fight, just yell at her about her mind fucking her ex-boyfriend. Yeah.

And you're with Jerry right now, aren't you? In your heart, you're with Jerry still. Not Terry, me, Terry, not me, but Jerry. I know it's confusing. I know it's confusing, but you're with Jerry in your heart. Recently, I was. You want a yahoo instead of the thing you're doing? Yeah.

Yeah, that's why I started reading it. This one was sent in by Nick Jensen. Thank you, Nick Jensen. Hey, Nick. Hey, it's by Yahoo! Answers user Dean Windass. All right. Who asks, girls, what would you do if you accidentally sat on your ex?

If it was your worst ex and you went to sit down on a chair, and it was your ex's face that had been transformed into the seat of the chair by some magic experiment gone wrong. What? What? What? Yes. When you sat down, his nose went up your bum like this, and then.

Like what? Dean Windass has included two parentheses, marks that are facing inward to each other, which I guess is supposed to be a butt crack. My butt crack doesn't, I don't know. It's not beveled. Is that the right word? Does he ins?

Although that, my butt crack is where I keep a sides. Yeah. So there were like parentheses in that sense. Well, what would you say when you realized it was him? This is a survey. Cool, cool. Cool. Hey, did you guys recognize this as a survey?

How's this? I hear 2010 census. I must have missed this one. What would you do if your face was, like, this is, first off, I don't know where the first off is. Your boyfriend's face was transformed. Was the rest of him transformed into a chair too? I mean, is that what we have to write?

This is a person chair. I'm thinking about that old lady from Doctor Who who gets her face stressed out. Like, I think just that, and let's like, let's just throw that on a love seat. This chair looks like Jerry. Terry, did you turn Jerry into a chair? Are you tricking me into sitting on it?

I like that he had to add the extra, like, extra component of, it's your worst X, as though if it were anyone else, that would be completely fine. Hey, honey. Hey, sweetheart, if you could sit on anyone's face who was turned into a chair by some magic experiment gone wrong. And also, their nose would go up your butt. Like this.

And you make parentheses with your hands. Mine is George Lopez. I like his comedy, but he also seems like a really good dad. Yeah, and his skin is taut and leathery, and I like a chair with some firm support. George Lopez, your face is very comfortable to sit on. I'm not a fan of your work, but I am enjoying sitting on your face.

It's like massage beads that taxi drivers use. If I had a chair that the seat of which was composed of George Lopez's face, can I call it Beverly Hills Chair, Wawa? I think so. I think that that would be more than acceptable. Can I make a movie called Beverly Hills Chair, Wawa? That's just a bunch of chairs and say, Wawas.

Yeah. I can do both of those things, but will I? Probably not. I'm a busy guy. French Stewart getting transformed into a chair would actually be a bump for him. Yeah.

That would be a big up to go from whatever he's doing. Well, what the fuck is he's doing to be a chair? Yeah. So I guess that answers that. What a fucking weird, how about this? How about this, Yahoo? Answer, what do I do when I read a question from someone who's obviously insane,

like obviously mentally unstable, that this is what they're pondering? Diamond Mayweather responded and said, I'd jump up, apologize, then move to another seat. Well, of course. Being more careful this time to check to make sure it's not a person and then send them a polite sympathy note.

Jerry. Jerry, I'm so sorry. Jerry. Please forgive me. I'm going to move over to that seat. It's got George Lopez's face on it, which I believe my Tucus will prefer. Not out of 10 Tucuses prefer George Lopez's face

to Terry or Jerry. See, Jerry? That's an area that Terry can compete with Jerry in. Face comfort. I have a friend named Badkins. I think he's probably listening to this right now. And he has this great pickup line where whenever he's at a bar or a party or something like that,

he doesn't do this all the time. I don't want to make him sound like a grosso. But if a girl comes over and is like, hey, can I have a seat? And he says, sure. And he takes his glasses off and wipes his face down. I have to say, here you go. This is where it goes.

Pretty good. That's pretty good. Pretty good. Never panned out. It's still just rife with comedy. Yeah. Never worked. Someday.

Keep the faith. Recently, I was volunteering at an event. I hit it off with a girl I was working with. I decided to ask her out to coffee, but put off to the last minute. By the time I was going to ask her, she was with a friend, and it felt weird asking her around her friend,

and even weirder calling her away from her friend. I didn't up asking her out. My question is, were those even borderline reasonable, or just poor excuses and bad habits? Thanks, Mitch. I believe that's thanks, comma, Mitch. Thanks, Mitch. I think that those, they seem like good excuses at the time,

but I think that it would be just absolutely like ballin' if you just walked up and said, listen, sorry to interrupt and just asked her right in front of her friend. I think it would show like huge confidence and like, I think it would be a great start, I suppose. If you got the guts to do it, she's going to look awesome in front of her friend. What person doesn't want that?

I disagree. Disrued. What are you going to do? Roll up there and be like, clam up. It's me time. Maybe not that, but just walk over and say, I'm about to take off. I'm sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted to see if maybe you wanted to grab coffee sometime. Who wants to be pursued demerly though? Who wants, who doesn't want that passion, that fire there? So maybe just like run up and yell, clam up and push your friend out. I've been trying to wait. I can't risk, you know, losing this opportunity. I love you and I want to get married to you. And then if she says no, turn to her friend and say, how about you?

How about you? Yeah. Maybe you see old Eenie Meenie, Miney Moe. I'm just laying them out on the table. As long as they're out here, would you like to pick them up? I mean, it's awesome laying them out for you. Trying to catch a sweet baby by the toe over here.

Eenie Meenie, Miney, who gives a rat ass? Let's both do it. Let's go, ladies. You and me, arm in arm. Sex party, my place. So you and my Eenie Meenie. You want to hook up, you want to hit up the CJ Maggies? Let's hit the Oh, Charlie's.

Get some onion fringes. Just get down. But at the end of the day, don't ever call someone away from their friend to ask them out because you look like an absolute creeper. Excuse me. Just come, just step over here real quick. I have something private to ask you. I'm not sure you look like a creeper though.

I don't think that's fair. I think it's creeper. I think that it just makes you seem like asking a man as something you're incredibly embarrassed about and something that like you wouldn't ever want anyone to know you were doing. I think it's creepy. Hey, I have hemorrhoids and also I like you. I like you very much.

Don't tell Deborah. Don't tell Deborah over the next- Don't tell Deborah, but we're in love. She's got judgy eyes. I hang out with six to seven people every Saturday night. It's a busy night. We all go over to someone's house and then have dinner and play games and whatnot. Two of these people are vegetarians.

When I go over to their houses, I don't mind eating their vegetarian nonsense, but when they're coming over to my house, should I have to go out on my way to make some sort of vegetarian dish? Or should I tell them to fend for themselves as they would have done in the old and timey days? Ryan. It sounds like he should revise the beginning of his question today. I hang out with four to five people every night and one to two vegetarian acquaintances. Occasionally, after dinner, they join with us.

What I love about this is that the idea of some sort of vegetarian dish. Do you know what's a vegetarian dish? Vegetables. Like a salad. That's vegetarian right there. First of all, that's wildly wrong. Everything you just said. There's so much other food that vegetarians eat.

You're disqualifying yourself. Did he eat salads? Not everybody. Travis put like bread too stupid. Travis puts like chorizo sausage on like two out of three meals of the day. Like your opinion when it comes to vegetarian matters, just don't count. True. What I'm curious about is telling them to fend for themselves in your apartment.

Like, hey, there's some compost out back. Like go nuts. Go wacky back there. Maybe grow some bok choy. You're going to love it. You're going to love the fertile soils back there. I think that if you're picking a dinner that you're going to make for people, I think that you shouldn't go out of your way to make something for them.

But I think you should go out of your way to make something. Not go out of your way, but try to choose a dish that would be easily convertible. You know what I mean? Don't serve meat noodles, for example, would be right out. That's the thing. Yeah, sure. Honestly, you don't like do a pasta thing where you like you add whatever you want to it.

That way people could do like, you know, meatballs or they can just do the sauce or whatever they want in that way. Everybody's lifestyle. You guys, do you think that Travis calls sausage meat noodles? That's basically what they are in a mind like his. A beautiful mind. Beautiful mind. Like Russell Crowe on Russell Graham's movie.

What? He did a movie. It's called Beautiful Mind. Oh, that one. Yeah, I didn't see it. Yeah, somebody did. Yeah, so I would serve something that's like convertible that's easily to take the easy, to take the meat out, something easy to move the meat from.

And I'm going to syringe or whatever. Don't like chicken cordon blue and just give him a pile of breadcrumbs and some cheese. You guys eat croutons, right? Here's a bowl of croutons. It's what you people eat, right? Travis told me you guys should eat vegetables. That's it. But yeah, that's the way I would go.

Hey, Griffin. Hey, what? You ready to take a trip with me? I mean, I just I still got the stink of the sky on me because my plane just landed. Your sky stink. I've got a bit of sky stink still left on me. But yeah, sure. Let's let's go on a trip.

Where to? The Money Zone. OK, so we're there. Is this? We're there. We're here. Are we there? Oh, this is nice.

This is nice. I'm comfortable. Crispy. Bill. The chairs are much more expensive here. Is this, I believe it is, George Lopez's face. So what we want to talk to you guys about is something that is close to mine and Griffin's hearts and Travis, I suppose.

That's video games. It's so rare we get to talk about video games here. I'm my brother and my brother and me. And today we're talking about one called Kingdom of Loathing or KOL if you're down. Or cool if you pronounce your O's weird. If you pronounce your O's wrong, then it's cool. Now, this is made by our friends at Asymmetric Publications, including the creator, Zach Jick Johnson, and the writer, Josh Mr. Skullhead Knight.

Josh Knight, I don't think you needed a nickname, but I think it's all right that you chose. No, no, no. That's his Christian. That's his proper name. His mom and dad named him Josh Mr. Skullhead Knight. Josh Mr. Skullhead, all hydrogen in his first name. That was his baptismal name. Like that's the name he was given upon confidence.

Sure, sure. He was named after Pope Mr. Skullhead. Now, I don't think this is a hand-drawn stick figure graphics. Right. And it has some surreal humor, some word play. Don't let the stick figure thing turn you off because these are some high-quality stick figures. Yeah, I mean, you could tell the definitions there. Even though they may be stick figures, you feel the emotion, you feel the passion.

How many pixels does it support? Easily a billion. How many megs of RAM Carmine? There's probably a lot. They have tons of players. And I was actually, I was turned on to this game and played it for a while in college way back when it's been around for like eight years. And it's still going strong.

Now Griffin, I like online multiplayer RBGs, but I don't have a lot of cash. Is that going to be a problem? It is going to be a problem with other parts of your life because you need cash. Like that's the, we exchange cash for goods and services in this capitalist society that we all live in. But to play cool or if you want Kingdom of Loathing, you don't need a goddamn motherfucking penny, bitch. It's free to play, a free as shit, I think should be the new. Free as shit. It is free as fucking like so free.

It's been in development for eight years. With literally, we're told tens of thousands of dumb jokes. We have not counted them ourselves, but that is what we are led to believe. I have played it before. It is, it's funny and it's not funny in that way of like, it's not like internet meme funny. It's like, it's just funny. Like it's a funny game. And you know what?

Not only is it free, you play it in your web browser. Like they could not have made this game easier to access unless they came to your house. And it put it in some sort of syringe and like jammed it in your eyes. Johnny DeMonic. Got a cool community and you filled with a lot of neat people and you can join them right now. You can just push some buttons on your keyboard. You will be whisked away to said Kingdom. Tell us the exact sequence of buttons, please.

K-I-N-G-D-O-M-O-F-L-O-A-T-H-I-N-G period, C-O-M interkey. Or kingdomofloathing.com would also work if you are not into putting letters together. But go check them out. Yeah. Totally. And as a special treat for anybody who decides to do a promotion on our show, which if you want to do one, email Teresa at maximumfund.org and she'll give you the hot deets, you get a jingle.

All the best jingles have an intro, right? Which all the best jingles have a smooth, smooth segue, which this is one of. I didn't pre-pro this one. This is not going good. I don't think you're a fan. I need adventure and sticks. I don't have money to acquire the adventure and sticks I talked about. I'll go to cool.com.

I can't go to cool.com because that is something else. I'll go to kingdomofloathing.com. Kingdomofloathing.com. Check it totally out. So, well, yes, one of my closest friends is full of hatred. She's a really great person and I just love her guts. But it's hard to constantly be around such negativity. Stay posy, our friend, Justin Russo, it says.

But anyway, don't get me wrong. Every now and then it's nice to have someone to vent with. But believe me when I say nobody wants that all the time. I don't know if she gets off on pitching about people or what. But lately I've taken a saying, can we just not talk about this right now? And it's like she doesn't even hear me. She completely ignores it. I've explained it to her before.

She just doesn't seem to realize that it's exhausting to be around someone so angry at the time. Like I said, she's a valued friend and I just wish this one thing was different. Suggestions. How to with hate? Wait, no, no, let me try again. Suggestions? How to with hate? This is rough, man.

Like I can think of one or two friends off the top of my head that I just stopped hanging out with because they just brought me down all the time. Because it's all they talked about was negative shit. Like that's not just one thing that's wrong with them. Like if you are a categorically negative person, that affects every single aspect of your life. And it makes you not pleasant to be around generally. Yeah. A lot of times I think the only way to go is like intervention kind of thing.

Because I don't think there's anything, it doesn't sound like there's anything you're doing that makes or hate everyone. So it's not like a behavior you have to change. But maybe going to where I'm at. I don't want to sound like a downer, but I don't know how you intervene with that. Like how do you tell somebody like, hey, completely change your whole world view please? You know how you got this worldview? Can you just flip that?

Just put that to R for me. Can you bust that worldview out and flip it and then reverse it? Well, I think it's a matter of saying to her like, hey listen, you might not see it because you're so close to it, but you complain all the time. You might want to take a look at like your mental process and figure out why you're so unhappy. And once you do, get back to me. It's hard to be with you right now. It's hard to be around you right now because you are such a negative person.

And I think you probably owe them that. I think you owe it to them to say, listen, I just can't take the negativity all the time. Because that'll get up in you. That will affect you. In fact, your day to day, it'll build a home inside you. Absolutely. Especially like a giant song, make a little birdhouse in your soul. Except it's not a birdhouse.

It's like a, it's like a shit house. It's like an outhouse. She's pooping in your heart is what I'm saying. And you'll get septic if you let her keep doing it. Right. Especially if like everybody else sees that too. And all of a sudden now you're also getting associated with the negativity because you're with her all the time.

So there's a certain amount of like, it just seems like a really like negative influence in your life on a lot of levels. In fact, you know what is so negative? I say let's go on. Let's go on the next question. Because it's bringing me down. Yeah. I feel like I'm getting my heart shit in now.

Yeah. Why are you shitting him to his heart? Come on. Don't shitting his heart. Look what your friend is doing now. You need better reason to cut ties. Shit in Griffin's heart. That heart's already full of blood and egg yolk.

Griff, you got a yahoo for me? Okay. Like four. How about this? This one was sent in by Metal Gear Jim, which wasn't his Twitter name. That was his actual name on like on the email. So maybe. It's by Yahoo Answers user John who asks, could I take Tyra Banks?

John is five foot five, 130 pounds, and I don't work out. My GF just said that I wouldn't have a chance against Tyra. Hmm. What's the scrappiness? Like is his scrappiness. It doesn't include his power rating. Yeah. Or anything like his special abilities or anything like that.

But I gotta say, even if you were about six inches taller and like 20 pounds beefier, and you did work out, have you seen how fierce Tyra Banks is? I'm looking her eyes. Plus there's just her large like collection of knives that she carries on her person at all times. Well, yeah. But we're talking about modeling. You're just like hand to hand like. Yeah.

Yeah. We're talking about a backstreet brawl. No chains. No pipes. Just the fists of a man named John and the fists of a supermodel named Tyra Banks. Are there any holds barred? Let me check. There is one whole barred.

Okay. You can't say anything mean about her eyelashes because she's frequency. She's actually that's her weak point. She's really sensitive. You also can't bring up the time she spent in Paris modeling with her mama going from agency to agency trying to find someone who will take her under her wing because she gets very emotional. She went through some shit in gay paris and I think that that hardened her to like. People tell her, people tell her.

She will never motel. I've heard her say that just like that. Can you translate? Can you just click Google translation? Use Google translation. It said you can't do this. We don't believe in you. You have bad eyebrowshes.

You have bad eyebrowshes? Was that the worsen? I know. That's how they say it in Paris. The eyebrowshes about your ease. Listen, Tyra Banks will come at you like a fucking Wolverine. Not like Wolverine from X-Men like a rabid Wolverine and also kind of like Wolverine from X-Men. Like both Wolverine from X-Men and like a rabid fan of Michigan.

But on the bright side, like the next day when you see your friends and they're like, oh my god, what happened to you? You be like, oh dude, Tyra Banks fucked me up. She's got reach, first of all. She's got reach on you because she's a she's a tall, beautiful lady. Her being beautiful has nothing to do with her reach. I just wanted to go ahead and put out the the opinion that she is in fact an attractive woman. She's got nails probably, right?

That's safe to assume. They're probably sharp. And just fierceness. We can't stress the fierceness enough. Once you're down, once you're down on the ground bleeding like a bloody heaps, she's not going to stop. She will literally kill you. Do you think that he could take Tyra Banks if she were in her fat suit?

Oh, no way. Are you kidding me? You could kick her down a flight of stairs. She wouldn't even notice. Could you take her in her hobo suit? Yeah, her hobo suit, yes. Tyra also should be noted has a weave, which is basically bionics, right? Unfair.

Made integration. Good news, John. You won. She got disqualified. She got disqualified for the use of bionics. I like my best friend's girlfriend. I'm not a total douche, so I'm not going to try to steal her or anything. But I wonder how I could stop being interested in her. I can't talk to her just like another friend,

and I can't stop seeing her because of my friend, says Salazar. Why are you cheating on your best friend? Why are you such a... No, no, I see what he's saying. I get it. And I don't hear what he's saying because it sounds to me like he's inception cheating on his best friend. Like, if you're dreaming about her, like, that shits in your mind, and that counts.

You lost already. Salazar, I have a suggestion for you, and that is to try to find faults with her. Like, focus on the bad stuff. Out loud. Sometimes out loud. Try to say, like, hey, you got shoulders like a quarterback to her. And you can just really just sort of throw a pipe bomb in there. Not literally, of course, although coming problem solved.

You've got eyebrows, she's like Tyra Banks. You've got teabanks, eyelashes, and that's not a compliment. I don't know what your eyebrow culture is in your area, but it is not a positive. I hear what you're saying, but unfortunately, she has no faults. She's so perfect, and Salazar is in love with her, and maybe she's in love with him, too. And maybe they have to break that sacred bond so that they can be happy for the rest of their lives. Or maybe he could imagine her pooping because... Maybe you can imagine her pooping.

See, I didn't want to say that because we have a pretty strict non-scatological rule for a show, but... If you can... If you think I will break that rule to help someone... But guess what, dawg? What if you flip it and you imagine her pooping and then you love it? Oh, god! Now you have a crush on your boyfriend and you're dirty. No one likes you anymore because you're dirty.

Salazar, you're on a tightrope. I think you should just keep on walking until you make it to the other perch. I think you're doing it. You're already ahead of the game because you've already made the decision that you're not going to try anything, which is great. That's good, too. But if you...

Like, the harder you try to not be into... Like, have you never seen a Renee Zellweger movie? Like, the harder you try to not be into her, the harder you're going to be into her. The best thing to do, and it sucks because it sounds like a non-starter, but you need to just stop thinking about her. And you need to just... It's not going to happen. Can you do that? He's in love with her. He loves her, Travis.

Listen, Salazar, have you considered going to her front door and ringing it? And also the boyfriend lives there, too, and she comes down and you have a boombox and you're like, hey, it's Carolers. And she's like, it's Carolers. And then you hold up signs that actually tell her how you feel. And then when you walk away, she runs up and she kisses you and she says, Merry Christmas. She runs back inside and you're like, okay, I guess I'm not in love with her anymore.

Hey, love, actually, that's a stupid fucking... By the way, that's a dumb part of your fucking stupid movie. I love you so much. Here's this big romantic gesture. Oh, I kiss you. I don't... We're done. But I'm out.

Peace, dip. I'm out. Twenty, twenty-eleven. I'm out. I'm done. Salazar, do all those things and maybe it'll work. Yeah. If you learn how to control the human heart, you get right back to us, friendo.

Hey, would it be out of line for me to ask your girl for her number after only the first time I meet her? What's happened to me a few times is that I'll ask the girl if she wants to grab lunch sometime and then give her my number without asking for her since I feel like I'm putting in a less awkward position. But most of those times, they never get back to me, waiting by the phone. If you feel like you're putting in an awkward position, why are you speaking to this person? Like, it should be a pleasant thing to, like, plan dates and exchange phone numbers. Waiting by the phone, you got something to offer. This isn't a two-way street.

You're not putting anybody in an awkward position, offering a chance to go out on a date with you. You're fun. It is the year of our Lord, 2011. Yeah. Everyone's already connected as fuck. Right? I'm connected to every single person in some way, some ways more tangential than other. Just ask for a fucking number.

It's not like you're asking her to, like, move in with you. You're not asking her to, like, get life insurance policies together. Is that a thing you can do? Yes. I don't, I don't know. Just ask for a number. What's the big deal? Maybe you'll call her.

The thing is, is, like, giving her your number is really passive. Like, it doesn't cause anything to happen, you know? But getting her number is an active step that shows interest and that you then, you know, can control the situation instead of sitting at home waiting for them to call you. If she doesn't want to give up your number, then she doesn't want to give her a number. She's not out. Yeah, she isn't. She's just trying to get it to end, get the time to end.

And so then you don't have to worry about it, like, if it's okay to ask her for it or not, because if she's not down, then you don't lose anything. Like, you're not going to fail because she said no. And you go, okay, well, I tried. And you walk away and you move on to the next attempt. There is not, everybody, right now, go into your mind, inception style. Get rid of the fear of being turned down. Because, you know what?

That can't hurt you. Nobody ever died from it. I tell you, you're tougher and cooler. I'm still afraid of it, but that's only because I'm batting a thousand. I'm pitching a perfect game. You've never been rejected, so. I've stolen every base I've tried to steal. I have baseball metaphor, every baseball metaphor.

And I'm afraid that one errant pitch, one errant baseball, will fuck up my whole streak. Yep. I understand that completely. I get it. And also, I'm just like a really polite, like, nice guy. I'm not saying that my own horn is just the real talk. And I don't want to put a lady in a position where she has to come up with an excuse not to give me her number.

That's fucked up. When I said it out loud, it sounded more fucked up than it was in my head. Well, then why don't we just all. I don't want her to have to struggle to be like, I'm just so busy with work right now that I can't give you my job. Hey, I think we should all just enter into a social contract with each other that it's okay for a guy to say, hey, can I get your number? And it's okay for the girl to say no.

Yeah, see, if the girl said no, if the girl said no, then I would be, like, happier than she was like, well, I don't know, because my aunt, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, like, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. Like, if you lie to me, I just feel bad because I made you lie. I made you say that now you have to go to hell. Hey, waiting by the phone, I think you should also probably get a little bit better at figuring out people are in, if people are into it, if people are feeling your flavor, because I'm not sure you are super great at that yet.

You'll get there. You'll get there. Also, girls don't call guys. Sorry, that's society. You gotta get on the hunt, pursue, pursue a vigor and passion and don't wait for her to finish her conversation with her friends. Also, asking someone if they want to grab lunch is a passive thing that friends do. Ask her to dinner, ask her to a movie, ask her on a real date. Ask her to have a hold, ask her to have sex with you today.

Hey, I've got a yahoo answer. Do you want to hear it? Sure. Yeah, of course. This is incredible. It was this exact question. It was sent in by both Mike Bachman and Jacob Blocker. You two get married. To heavy ass hitters in the yahoo answer submission game that we all met. We met both of them at Praxis this past weekend. I suspect a little juicing. They're probably juicing. They're probably on a little bit of some anabolic steroids just to get their humor muscles toned up. They are as handsome as their submissions, I will say that. This question, it's written by Panda Coley who asks, is this weird for brothers? It's right in our wheelhouse, right? No, sure, I guess. I'm gonna say that now.

My twin brother and I take baths together because my mom wants to save money. Smart, right? We are 17 and it seems a little weird now compared to when we were young. Do you think this is weird or not? What are those ages again? They're twins, so we're assuming that they're the same age, although it would be even weirder if they weren't. Like I'm 20 and he's eight. They're 17. Why is it taking you this long to wonder if that's weird? Hey mommy, we both can't fit in the bathtub anymore because we have grown human adult bodies, mommy. Hey mommy, we're full grown humans. There's no way that you can stack us in here like Tetris blocks that we're not gonna touch. Our parts will touch. There's no bathtub big enough to have a naked shower with your 17-year-old

brother. That's fat. That's a fat. It's not a shower, it's a bath. When you take a bath, you're making soup out of your grossness. If I ever open like a bathroom fixed your store and I sell like a soup store or a soup store, I'm going to advertise my large job as big enough for two full grown 17-year-old males. The problem is when you're in a bath, which is already pretty gross, you're just making broth. You're making Todd broth or Zach broth. You're making your own gravy. When you get Tony up in there, that's officially a stew and that's unacceptable. Okay, wait, wait, I have this all figured out. The mother is not a weirdo. The mother started selling Todd and Tony stew like when they were little kids and now she

doesn't know how to cut off that revenue stream. This is oaky. Somebody's been playing soccer. This is getting better with age. I love this stew. You have to give me your secret recipe, Tammy. I can't. It's a dash of Todd, a dash of Zach and just like a whole bunch of weirdness that they are never going to recover from. Just can't recover from this stew. You can really taste the scarring. The two things that aren't going to recover from this stew are your hunger and Todd and Tony. Those are the two parts that will never make a comeback. What's the age? What's the cutoff? Can we come up with this right now and then we can send it to Pandakoli and just be like, you need to turn your mom into the fucking police. Five. Yeah, five. You think once you come off the tee,

like once you come off the tee, I would say once you're off the tee, not that I was on the tee at five, come on. I'm saying like off the tee, off the brother's lap in the bathtub, you fucking weirdo. Get off of there. I would say that as soon as you're old enough to no longer need a spotter, like if you're afraid of like drowning in the bathtub, make sure there's someone else in there. Okay, but wait a minute. We'll wait just a second because that life is like a recursive. It's like a snail shell. And once you get to be like 80, you need a spotter again. Can we start throwing 80 year olds in the same bath? Yeah. And they shrink too, like they get better. They do. Old people are basically shrinky dinks that you put in the bathtub and then you got a full. And you

look at their shrinky dinks. I can debate the number as far as age a little bit. I can give some wiggle room, no pun intended. But if I have to put a firm wall on pubes, in fact, the t-shirt says, if you see a hair, you can't be there. That's the rule for me on bathtubs. Like you can't, at that point, no dice. What about, what about, can we put an old dude and like a baby in the same bathtub? Like a 85 year old? Well, but then I feel like that's unfair to the baby because if the old man goes down, what's the baby supposed to do? The baby can't save that old man. What if we get a baby, an old man, and a 17 year old all up in the same bath? And then you gotta, you gotta get them all across the river from one bath to the next.

And the baby, the old man will eat the baby. Yeah, no question about that. He's confused. The 17 year old will eat the grain. You have two rafts. Go. Go. Solve it. Hey, I want to hear Griffin's last question. But first, I wanted to say thank you to everybody we met at PAX East this weekend. You were total sweethearts. We saw so many, my brother, my brother, me shirts. We saw our friend, Brentle Floss was there. He put on a great show and you guys were all so nice and genuine. It made me really look forward to April 17th. What up? Because it's my birthday, 24. We'll be in Chicago and we'll be doing my brother, my brother, and me live opening up for Jordan and Jesse go. What's up? Are you there?

Yeah, I should say so. Tickets are going to be way affordable. They're going to go around sale soon, I would imagine. We'll let you know. We'll let you know. Follow us on Twitter and keep checking Maximum Fun. But that really is my birthday, by the way, and we are going to go out afterwards and get silly. We're going to get slizzard. We are going to get our waisty faces on. We're going to get our tics wet. I don't know because we're all on a water slide. We're going to make it so wet. We're going to go to the Old Town Ale House and we're going to go on a water slide because those are all over the place here in Chicago. Yeah, just streets are littered with them. I wrote a water slide all the way from O'Hare to my apartment. Keep it. Keep it.

Keep your focus on my brother, my brother, and me, mbmbam.com, mbm, at mbmbam on Twitter, and we will let you know all about tickets and everything, but it's going to be off the chain, off the hook, off the hook. So right. So right. If you want to get in touch with us, go to mbmbam.com right there in text. You'll see our email address. We have a voicemail that you can call. What's that number, Griff? It's 203, mbmbam1. Yep. And you can call us for questions and stuff. Again, we can't thank you guys enough for your support with the Maximum Fun Drive. Holy shit. We had a couple of people who groused a little bit. Most of you were just so generous and gracious about the whole thing. We seriously, it's the best.

If you donated and you haven't listened to all the other shows, now is the best time to do so because you're supporting them. They're your shows. They're your shows. Go listen to them. Go give them a listen. Subscribe and shit. I don't know how podcasts work. I just make them. That's all there's to it. Hey, Griffin. Hey. I'm ready. Oh, one more time, just to remind you, go check out kingdomofliving.com if you have it. Go do it right now. It's free as fuck. So fucking pretty. Do it. Oh, man. How about this? This one's sent in by Jackie or Jacqui, Ronan. There's a Q and a U in there. I'm just spitballing. This is by young answers user Zoraz. Who says? Quidditch for dogs? Is this true?

It's just a McElroy. It is a Travis McElroy. This is Griffin McElroy. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Play your part.